HERACLITUS DERISUS, OR, BEN's Monkey Stripped BY SIM AND SAM  Si. 
YOU Sir, that go as though your Understanding was o'reset with deep Cogitations, about Cutting a New Road to the Antipodes; Or as if your Conscience had got a sharp Set of Teeth, and did begin to By't Home; What they say you have been to see how Calvin 's Posterity thrive, and to take a Pattern of that Government, that you may be the more Exact in Cutting out one here, than you were heretofore; Come, Ben 's Monkey knew well that you were gone to take one Cup of Presbytery; a late Puppy-dog of his Brains g●ve shrewd Hints at your going away.  Sa. 
Why, this 'tis now, a Sister cannot be absent, but you presently say her Nature was Gravid, and she is retired to let slip; And a Brother cannot be absent; but you say he is Run the Country; But I have not been out of this Nation.  Si. 
But you have Changed your Lodging; Were you Removed by Habeas Corpus or Certiorari?  Sa. 
By neither; for I was in truth led away in one of your Protestant Wheel-Barrows; But pray shut up that malevolous Skull of yours, and not scatter so much Sedition as hitherto you have done, to the great disturbance of the well-affected people, that have now digested all fears of the Horrid Plot; and may have their Throats cut and not know of it.  Si. 
Very well; That's a pretty way of leaving the World; but where hast been? I have diligently sought thee; I have beat all the Bushes in Whetstone's Park; Nay, to be sure I was at all our fine Shows of Religion, sor I did not know but that thou mightst have had a Mind to two or three pennyworth of Zeal; I was at the Family of Love, and at Mass too; where I saw such sport, that indeed I thought I was at the Duke's Playhouse; But I could not have the least smatch of thee; I have highly wanted thy Company to mince the State a little in our Discourse, as we were used to do.  Sa. 
I know well that the Sagacity of your Snout is very excellent, but I think I was now beyond the Reach of your Nostrils; but pray forbear all Fanatical Discourse, I have a Garment on called Metamorphosis, that is, to speak Vulgarly, I am Changed.  Si. 
What turned Tory, Indeed you smell of Arbitrary power; Tack about as well as Major Washpot; but where hast thou been?  Sa. 
A Shipboard.  Si. 
A Shipboard, on some Land-Frigat I'll warrant you; and you presently got down to her Hold, I believe; You are a devilish Rogue thereabouts, What is she called?  Sa. 
Truly she is a Land-Frigat, for she never did yet Sail beyond Paul's Churchyard, but she hath done great Service against the Geneva-Pirates; She is called, The Loyal Benjamin.  Si. 
But how is it, that you who have been as deep a Whig as any, should now become a very handsome Nitid Tory?  Sa. 
Why, go to the next Tavern, I'll give you an Exact History of the Reformation of my Members.  Si. 
Agreed Sir, with all my Heart.  Sa. 
Here Drawer, Bring us a Bottle of rare Royal Prerogative Wine; such as will make a Man leap over Sarum-Steeple for the King, and a Chamber Pot that's well-affected to the Government, for I cannot Vrinate in any Seditious Vessels.  Si. 
Fine parts indeed, but not Consonant to the Capacities of our Whiggish Femalites; but pray Sir, draw out your History.  Sa. 
Well Sir, give Ear; some time since I was at that honest Tavern of yours, where the Protestant Quintessence of the Town, I mean those Youths of Policy and Contrivance, that are used to Meet every Night at the King's Head, to Toss the Government in a Blanket, where I took a Bottle of Liberty and Property, and so came away, as I thought, a very high Protestant; but as I was Marching, I was on a sudden Seized on; now for fear I should be Arnold-lized, I began to vociferate extremely; but the Seizor said, that Exclamation was altogether superfluous, for there was no other design against me, but only to Cure me of a Disease, now very Epidemical, called Sedition; then Sir, by I know not what force I was Mounted up some Seven or Eight Pair of Grades, and there laid at his Wittiness 's Sir Ridens' Feet, for you must know that he is a Man of a Pharisaical Scull, and nothing could Gratify his Understanding, but the uppermost Room in the House; Well, and what's next?  Si. 
How the Devil should I know, I never kept Company with Pharisees.  Sa. 
Then he Commanded that I should be Stripped, that he might have a Prospect of me in puris Naturalibus; And when he had viewed me a while, he did Opine from the disaffected Spots, and infectious Scabs that were about me, that my Sanguineous Mass was much Vitiated with the Heterogeneous Particles of Schism and Sedition, and my Sal, Sulphur and Mercury were falling into Rebellion.  Si. 
An excellent Quack indeed; pray desire him to feel the Pulse of State too, and give her a Pill, for she highly wants purging.  Sa. 
Why he intends it, you shall hear of it a Chapter or two hence; but let me go on, He bid me open my Mouth, which I did though I told him the Mark was out, and from under my Tongue he pulled a great Bag of Poison, which he said was the cause why I foamed so much Malignity against the State; Afterwards I was laid all along on oneside as if I was going to be served as you do Sows in the Country when you pull out their Lechery by the Roots, but it seems it was only to take out my Gall, which he did with so much dexterity, that I think he hath Rode round the Nation with a Horn at his Girdle.  Si. 
Then it seems you have been Spayed, and this Spark is Sow-Gelder to the Government; But this was dangerous.  Sa. 
Not for a Man of Art, for be hadspread a Plaster of Ecclesiastical Goose-grease, which he had scraped off from the Fat Coif of some well-fed Parson, and closed the Orifice presently, than I was put into Bed, where by the help of some spiritual Sudorificks, I fell into a great Sweat, and I think I may now say, I am absterged from all Purulency both of Flesh and Spirit.  Si. 
Now you have seen this famous One, pray is the Figure of the Fool well imitated in the Draught we had at the Elephant.  Sa. 
There is a little Resemblance, but some remarkable Parts about him are not well drawn; As for instance, he had a Nose exceeding big, so that I thought he might have come Home one Night with an intoxicated Understanding, and have Run it against the City-Post he told us of, but I was mistaken, for he said he went on purpose to the Glass-house, to have it blown up to that Magnitude, that the Ladies might think he had a good Bag of Virility in his Codpist; He had an immense Heap of Flesh in his Back, so that I did fancy one of his Moles had been a Working, and raised a Hillock; and that his Congregational Infects would build a Commonwealth on his Shoulders; I asked him a bold Question or two, Whether some of his Ancients were not of an African strain? Or whether he was not descended from the Ancient Family of the Camels? He said, No, but that he was a Man over-stock'd with Loyalty, and not having Vent for it, it ran up into that immoderate Protuberancy.  Si. 
A very well built Beast; But we have had a Change here too, for all our Protestant News Merchants are all broken or suppressed.  Sa. 
No, they have Run themselves down, for it seems they would Vent none but what was highly Protestant, and their Vessels being well Exhausted, it would not look well to setforth their Lees; What then, no News-Jobbers?  Si. 
Yes, well-affected Nath. continues still, and comes out twice a Week, with his Half-sheet of Loyalty; He Tickles the Tails of the dissenting Brethren; He is Resolved to Whip them into the pale of the Church; He is of the same use to our Holy Guides as a Dog is to a Shepherd; he brings in the straggling ones to the Fold.  Sa. 
Who I pray, is this well affected Nath?  Si. 
A Fetter-lane Spark, a Haberdasher of small Wares, one that deals in Letters, Syllables and Words; he hath likewise a good store of Bum-fodder by him, so that he can do your Breech a kindness at any time.  Sa. 
Is his News true?  Si. 
As true as the Holy See itself, not a stroke of Falsehoods in his whole paper.  Sa. 
I am glad we are served with one honest Man, now no more Noise of horrid Plots.  Si. 
Oh, you would think by his News, that there never was a Plot, or that the Sun had so dried it, that it was turned to some Jesuits powder; besides, he is a Man of Superfine parts, for he can Raise from the Dead, he lately Raised an Act of Parliament; Nay Sir, if your Wife hath been dead these twenty years, so that her Atoms are Transmigrated into other Bodies, and you desire her once more, Repair but to this Nath. the Necromancer, and he by Virtue of a Catholic Whistle can Recall all dispersed parts, and unite them in their first pleasant plump Compositum; Nay, she shall make you as good sport, as she did when you first joined her Pan of Procreation.  Sa. 
Very brave, sure he will be a Saint before he goes to Heaven?  Si. 
We make many, a little without Holbourn; But now you talk of it let's Toss a Query, Whether it is not high time that Ben's Monkey and Nath's should be quartered up into Saints? I mean, Whether it would not be handsome for these two Loyal Loggerheads to Ride Skimmington on Tyburn?  Sa. 
I'll Answer you the next time, Farewell.   

ADVERTISEMENT.  
These are to certify our Tadpole Tories, That if their Tantivyships are able to Purchase New  this Spring, they may be Provided with very Fashionable Buttons, that were made by the Breech of Mr. Observator, alias, R. Runaway Esq when the Parliament made him Fly for Flanders; And are to be sold by his Old Friend de Henrico Bromano, who is to have the Benefit of his Breech, as well as of his Brain.   

LONDON, Printed for T. D. 1681.