depiction of a staff with a series of horns mounted upon it   

hay FOR Horn Fair: The general Market of England.  
OR, Room for CUCKOLDS.  
Being a Merry progress of nine several sorts of CUCKOLDS here discovered. Viz. 

A Kind Cuckold.  
A Dogged Cuckold.  
A Weeping Cuckold.  
A Merry Cuckold.  
A Contented Cuckold.  
A Proud Cuckold.  
A Jealous Cuckold.  
A Pimping Cuckold.  
And an Horn-mad Cuckold.    
Full of mirth, and merry discourse, newly presented from Horn Fair to all the merry good Fellows in England.  
To which is added the Marriage of Jockey and Jenny.  
London, Printed for F. Coles, T. Vere, and J. Wright 1674.   

The Caveat.  
TO Cuckold's Haven I present,  
These merry Lines of mine:  
This Jovial place in famous Kent,  
At Charleton you may find.  
Where Gallant all, both great and small,  
For pastime do repair;  
Great pains they take, Horns for to make  
And cry, hay for Horn Fair   

Hey for Horn Fair; Come Gentlemen, here will be gallant content for Money.  
GEntlemen, this is to let you understand, that I do not intent to make you a Sermon at this merry Fair, according to the custom: for truly, Gentlemen, I have not yet my Orders; but I hope by the next Horn Fair I shall be as ready for you, as any Citizens Wise, at Horn Fair can be ready for a hay ho my Elbow itches.  
Well it is no matter, because I have not a sermon ready for you: you shall hear a Story shall be worth fifteen. Hold a little, let me snuff my Candle, hers is a pure light.  
Come who buys my Horns? who buys my Horns?  
Satand by Gentlemen, let me look about me, yonder comes a pure Company: I hope we shall have a gallant Fair, here is a fine day, and my Candle burns very clear.  
Hold, hold what is yonder to do? What, no less than nine Coaches altogether? I pray let me look thorough one of my Horns, and I can soon discover them: Oh here is a pure light. What a gallant Company is here? Eome along you pretty Ladies of London, I have for every one of you a new fashion Fan made of a pure Horn: come along all you pretty witty Dames of Southwark walking for Horn fair, here is dainty content I promise you.  
O strange! Stand back, here is a sight indeed; pray take heed of your seldes. war Horns. What? nine several sorts of Cullabinds, and all together: Hold, hold, I am mistaken, I mean nine several sorts of Cuckolds: bless my Horns to day for I am sure there is some that can pocket up such things, and never go to the Court to make Proclametion: O pure Creatures! Kit the contented Cuckold, and Deborah Do-it, his Wife. I do profess she is a pretty winking Rogue; see how she winks of one eye at yonder Ruffeling Blade: for all his long Cuckabsard, his powdered hair? I am persuaded he is one of my fellow Horn-makers, and now he must go to the Tadern to play a Game at Tick-tack. I dare not speak out. But it is no matter; for while she is a playing one Game, he can take two pipes of Tobacco in the Ritchen. And truly he sees nothing: but he hath the best Wifs in all London; for there is never a night that he goes to Supper, but he has ready provided a notable Coves-head, and sometimes a Woodcock, Nay she has a great care on him besides that; for she makes sure to provide him a good new Cap to put on his head, of her own making: but I am sure it had need be a great wide one, or else it will never come low enough for to hid his, He he, let me snuff my Candle, here is a pure light.  
Nay yonder comes another couple What more Gamesters yet? What Will the Weader, a kind Cuckold, and Winisred his Wife, see how neatly she trips it out: See how kind the Cuckold is; for he is a afraid she should fall, and that makes him lead her so by the right arm: O but she is as kind as he, for I will assure you that before Horn Fair be done, she will be as busy with some Gallant; for if she but once get hold of his Nose. I mean his night Nose, and if she but get hold by the end, she will lead him an amble in the Cloath-Fair after five mile an hour.  
House, house! thou blind fool, what, cannot thou see my Horns? they be not so little; I can lend you a Looking glass if you cannot see, or else I'll snuff my candle: Oh here is a pure light, come who buys my Horns.  
Stand up and let me see my Customers: What? Master Prick the Tailor, a dogged Cuckold: see how he knits his brows as he walks along the street? but I dare say his Wife ca●es but little for it; for while he is a taking measure of his Customers abroad, she has as good workmen at home, that can take measure of her as well as he, and fit her as well as her Husband can do: and sometimes she and her Gallants can take a Coach, and up to Hid Park, for to hear the pretty Birds sing; and I will assure you she will be as spruce as the neatest Lady among them. I and take as much upon her as the best Gamester there. In sooth, I am very glad he is gone past me, for I tell you truly I was afraid of my Horns; for I am confident he will have two or three pair to carry home before he leads Horn Fair; but truly he may thank his Loving Wife for them, for all he is so dogged with her: for I dare say: as nimble as he goes, he has not one penny in his pocket, but two Tokens besides a bookin and a Thimble, will make a Tailor's pocket jingle, Cuckoo. Hark hark, I thought I heard the Cuckoo sing: peace you Whore, for if Master Prick hear you, he will be very angry with thee; so, so, now he is housed, there will be Game by and by.  
Now for a Game at hazard, I lay my life: O dainty Horn Fair! what more Customers yet? Come along Gentlemen, Horns, horns, come, who buys my horns? Give way Gentlemen, let me look about me, here is a pure light; Let me snuff my Candle, O curious Horn Fair? What, more Cuckolds still? certainly horns will be cheap to day; see where the proud Cuckold goes, and another proud Prodigal leading his Wife, and he comes after her just like the Major of Horn Castle: I will assure you he thinks himself a stout Blade with his Hanger by his side, and his great brown Boots as big as a pair of Water-bags in the North, I do verily belieus they would go near to hold a whole Dicker of hot Pudding, and a brace of pottage-pots full of furmity: and a pair of Spurs as broad in the rowel, as the bréech of a young Child of threescore and ten: and a Feather brhind in his hat, as big as the Butt-end of a pair of Millstones, and that he wears behind in the out side of his Hat: but he wears a couple of Horns before, that are as big as ever poor Tom carried on his back. Nay, I do believe that all Lincolnshire cannot compare with this proud Cuckold: O he is a pure Rogue! see, see how neatly be sets his arms aside, as big as two Rainbows; and I will assure you he has as many jingle jangles about his ears, as would serve a blind man to count a whole Summer's day. O what a pretty Duck he has to his Wife? I neat Dame I profess; O she is a pure light to follow in a dark night!  
How now? yonder comes another of his Brother Broad-heads, yonder comes Master Simpleton, but you may see he takes not all the care, for he has got a jolly red nose, and a fiery face. Faith I think he gins to set his heart at rest now adays. See, see where that Minikin Dame of his goes as proudly as my Lady Lose behind, and as Indial a Horn-maker, as any lives in all the Temple with her; a Ruffling Blade I premise you. Indeed I am a afraid that Horns will be very cheap this Fair, for the Town is full of Horn-makers, Look, look, I thought what it would come to buy and by, see where Master Simpletons' Wife, and a brave gallant rides in a Coach for London, I lay my life to one Bawdy-house or other: and see where the Simple Fool stands weeping: this is his old custom: a right Simpleton indeed: just the trick of an Ass, for when any thing disturbs him, then presently he will begin to roar: and so doth this simple Ass his Brother, when he thinks he is or shall be made a Cuckold; then he sits him down, and wéeps, O simple Ident, hold up thy head, and come buy some Horns at Horn Fair.  
Hark how the very Fowls in the air laughs thee to scorn. Hark Cuckoo, Cuckoo: hold thy Tongne pretty Bird, he says he cannot help it. hay brave, what more Cuckolds still? See where Master Jealous comes as yellow as the Gold on his finger. O base Rnave to be jealous of thy Wife without a cause: thou hast brought her to this evil vice by thy jealous head: for she was as bonest a woman before thou didst begin to be jealous of her, as ever rid in Hackney Coach with a painted face, and Patches: then the jealous Fool could not let her a loan, but was always calling her Hackney, Whore when alas, poor soul, she had no more mind to make him Cuckold, than a scabbed horse has to rub himself on a tree. Yet now I to beletve she has learned her Trade pretty well; and that makes him to drive her before him like a sheep: just like the Stag in the Forest, that doth drive the do before him: so doth this jealous Cuckold drive his Wife before him, and all for fear that some Knaus should steal her away, and make him a Cuckold: but take my word she has learned a trick now, that she can fit him in his kind: for now if she but see any of her Customers, than she straight points with her finger: that is as much as to say, go into some Tavern and I will follow. Then she says to her Husband, good swéet-heart will you give me a pint of Wine at yonder Tavern; he not denying her, goes in, and there meets with her Customer in a room by himself; he desires their company, because he is all alone: So they do consent to sit altogether, her Husband not knowing the plot, there they fall to drinking Sack, till the jealous Cuckold falls fast asleep: Then she and her companion presently takes Coach, and away to a Vaulting-house, while the poor Cuckold lies asleep with his face downwards, for fear any should wrong his Horns while he sleeps, and all that while she lies on her back with her eye fixed upward like a Stargazer.  
O pure company! a Knave and a Queen is a pair: O brave come along Gentlemen, come buy my Horns quickly, I pray you; I would fain be gone, I cannot stand still, See, see, I pray you, where the merry Cuckold comes? I dare say, he will be as merry as the  in the Malt: See how he smiles as he goes before his Wife. And so how she winks on her companions to meet her at the Tuckolds' Haven, to sing one merry strain for the honour of Horn Fair.  
I will assnre you, you never heard such a merry Story told in a Horn Fair Sermon in all your life, as this merry Cuckold will tell, when he and his loving wife comes into Horn Fair: for than he is sure to have good store of Wine, Ale, Béer. and Tobacco: And sometimes his Wife will thrust half a Crown in his hand, and bid him go drink that among his friends, while she has a little civil talk with a friend of hers; so he thinking he has sped well, he goes his way singing as merrily, as ever you heard the mad men of Gothams' Bird sing in May; I, and oft he bade as many pretty tunes with him.  
But bold hold yonder comes the veriest Knave in all England, a pitiful pimping Rogue: See how he goes peeping and spying about him? For some ruffling Blade that hath more M eney then Honesty. This fellow is the greatest maintainer of Horn-Fair, of any man in all London; for when he meets with any brave Gallants that hath a desire to have a Game or two at Have at all you pretty Ladies, then strait he is set at work to fetch in Gamesters: For he kéeps as good of his own as ever Rid Hackney to Hid Park. O she is a pure Rogue! I dare lay any man half a couple of nothings, that she beats the best Gamester in all Horn Fair, three for one: And to be sure she must be fetched first, for he I lose nothing; and while she is playing a Game or two at lay her down easy, he runs down to the Vintner for a quart of Sack very well burned with Sugar, for the Gamesters, and this is the pimping Cuckolds condition: Take my word if there be not some course taken with him, Horn Fair will not be worth coming to, he doth cause so many Horns to be made. Out upon him Villain that seeks to bring a good Fair to nothing: Upon my little honesty, it were a very good deed to have him stoned out of the Town, for I think he has none; nay, he is not fit to-stay in our society, but for one thing, and that is this; he never comes to Horn Fair, but he carries two or three pair home with him, and that they be lovely horns indeed: For I dare say he wears one pair thus big, and they at least be twenty years old.  
Come, stand off, and let me snuff my Candle, and look about me, Cuckoo, Cuckoo. Hold, hold, make room for yonder comes the horn-mad Cuckold, see how big he looks? I do believe you never saw Bull look more sternly at a Butcher's Dog, than he looks. I pray you Gentlemen mind him well, you may chance to know him; and if you do not. I do: It is that great fiery-faced Villain, that gathers up all the eye.  
Hold a little, cries the Piper, I'll play no more of that Tune, for fear Knaves should dance it more than honest men: but I pray see how stoutly the Cuckold goes with a long Turd by his side; nay, but stay a little, I had like to a stumbled: A long Sword by his side, and a pretty neat fools Feather in his Hat behind: But if you look him in the face, you will bless ye: For if you will believe me when you hear the truth, he has a pair of Horns growing on his head a this fashion, as big and as wide as any maid can lay her legs for a fit of hay ho, enough of that.  
I pray stand a little further, I, but look a little yonder: See where that pretty sweet soul his Wife goes, a pure pretty do what you will Gentlemen; here is gallant ware for your Money, and enough of it I will warrant you: See what a pretty leg and a foot. I protest it is enough to make a man a Whore, if he never see nothing but Millstones. O dainty Horn Fair, thou art the flower of all Kent for gallant ware. O puae light, horn of all sorts. Thus big, bo.  
Well, now I think Horn Fair is almost done for this day: But see, see where all the gallant merry jovial hearted Butchers of London and Southwark, all for one merry Cup at the Cuckoos Haven: I will lay my life they must needs have a parting cup before they go, O brave Boys promise you: Tanners I pray you look about you: For take my word the Butchers be stont Blades. Therefore I pray you take heed, and say Tom To-seek gave you a fair warning, for if your Wives be in Town, you may very well carry home the Horns: For take my word here is tearing Blades in Town. For you know Master Tanner, you are but the Butcher's servant, to carry his Horns away when he is at home: Therefore I pray you do not think much if the Butcher out of his love give you a pair freely to carry home, for a Horn Fairing.  
O strange! The nearer night, the more honest men: I pray see where comes the jovial Shoemakers, I profess a company of gallant Blades. I am persuaded they do intent to meet the Tanners at the Cuckoos Haven, to see if the Tanners have a good horn to give them, for to make them Shooing-horns: for I am persuaded they can give the Tanner's one, when they will: For you know Shoemakers cannot very well bring Shoes home; but they must bring Shooing-horns with them, and if they chance to leave the Tanners a pair in love? Why should they be angry? For they are valiant Blades, and of another Blood, and scorns to sit out for a scratch on the Forehead.  
So, so, now I think Horn Fair is done for this day for Horns, except it be in the Cloth Fair, and there will be great doing, I dare say. For there will be as many Horns made in one night. as will serve all the Combmakers in London, this two thousand three hundred thirty five Years to make Combs on: But if they do not serve, there is enough making every day and night.  
And now Gentlemen, the Fair is done, 'tis time for me to shut up shop, for my Candle is almost out. I have already declared unto you the merry Pastime of Horn Fair, and opened unto you a Cabinet of Nine several sorts of Cuckolds: And that is to say,  
The Kind Cuckold. The Contented Cuckold, The Dogged Cuckold. The Proud Cuckold. The jeaious Cuckold. The merry Cuckold. The Pimping Cuckold. The Weeping Cuckold. And the Horn-mad Cuckold.  
And now I will sing you a jovial Song of Horn Fair, and so farewell.  

The Song.  
The Tune is, To get in order your Maidenhead again.  

COme all you gay Ladies that lives in the City.  
Come harken the story which here I'll declare:  
And all you brave Gallants that loves a Maid pretty  
Provide you a Coach, and away to Horn Fair.   

There is dainty good Cheer, and all of the best.  
Content for your Money, pray think it no scorn.  
For you Ferret a Coney, if I may break a jest;  
What though many a honest man doth wear the Horn?   

You may have strong Beer and Wine of the best.  
'Tis not good to go fasting from morning till night;  
With a pretty sweet Pigeon you drink to digest,  
With an eye as clear as the Stars that gives light:   

With a plump cherry cheek, as red as a Rose,  
In silk and brave Satin she goes every day;  
With her Fan and her Feather most bravely she shows,  
Come along you brave Gallants, you shall have fair play.   
And now Gentlemen, that you may know that you are welcome to Horn Fair, John Presby●●● bids me in the behalf of his Countrymen to invite you to the Wedding of Jockey. and Jenny, which is in a set Form, as followeth.   

A Scottish Marriage.  
WE dont use to Wad in Scotland as you Wad in England: Jockey comes to the Kirk, and takes Sir Donkyn by the Rochet, and says, Good morn Sir Donkyn. What's the matter Jockey? What's the matter A wadding, a wadding; a wadden says he: Deant you see the Hoppits, and the Skippits, and the Belloons, and all the Lads of the Gang? Ise do, Ise do, Iss come to you believe. Then Sir Donkyn gangs to the Kirk, I spée and I spée; ho a deals do you spée; Jockey of the ●●gh Loan, and Jenny of the Long Cuffe: If any one know why these two might not be wadded together; let them now speak, or hold their veene tongues in the Deals name. Jockey, wilt thou ha' Jenny to thy waoded wife: I sha', Jockey sand after me: I sha', Jockey wilt thou ha' Jenry to thy waded wife, to be, and to ha', for over and ever; forsaking all Loons, Lubber Loons, Swig-bellied Calves, black Lips, & Blue Noses; ay forsooth. If these twain be not as well wadded as ere I waded tway these seven years, the Deal and Saint Andrew part them.  
I am yours in Love and Mirth, Thomas To-seek the Author T. R.