The Mushroom: OR, A satire AGAINST Libelling TORIES and Prelatical TANTIVIES: In Answer to A satire against Sedition CALLED The Meddal. By the Author of Absalon and Achitophel. AND HERE ANSWERED By the AUTHOR of the Black Nonconformist. The Next Day after the Publication of the MEDDAL; To Help the SALE thereof. Nitimur in vetitum? Quousque? LONDON, Printed for Fra: Smith Jun. at the Elephant and Castle in Cornhill, M DC LXXXII. EPISTLE TO THE Tories and Tantivies. Instead of an Epistle to You— TORIES! I'll only Preface here with some old Stories. ABOUT the Year of Our Lord 1218. at Paris in a Synod or Convocation of the Clergy; one that was appointed to Clerum, or preach the Convocation-Sermon was put to his Trumpets, and much troubled in his Guizard what to say, or what Subject to insist upon: Whereupon the Devil who always watches to take Men napping, and observing the Preacher, to be melancholy and perplexed in mind) appears to him as he sat in a brown-study, and asked him why he was so careful what to preach? say thus— quoth the Devil— The Princes of Hell salute You, Oh the Princes and Prelates of the Church, and gladly give you thanks, because that through your default and negligence all Souls go to Hell, etc. And Preacher added he was enforced by the Command of God to declare the same; yea, and a certain Token was given him for a sign, whereby the Convocation might evidently see that he did not lie. Ex. Catal. Illyr fol. 546. This is somewhat like that Story that Mr. Fox mentions in his Acts and Monuments; of a Letter in the Name of Lucifer; (for so were the first words of the Letter) Lucifer Prince of Darkness, etc. To the persecuting Prelates of England, etc. But the true words of the Letter verbatim, (as it was transcribed out of the Register of the Bishop of Hereford (as some think) by William Swinderby, a Protestant Martyr in Rich. 2ds. Time, has these very words, namely— LUCIFER Prince of Darkness, etc. TO all our Children of Pride, and Companions of our Kingdom, and especially to our Princes of the Church of this latter Age, and time, etc. send Greeting, etc. Know ye that in time past certain Vicegerents of Christ, following his steps, etc. in a beggarly Life Converted, in a manner all the world, from the Yoke of our Tyranny etc. But we seeking remedy for time to come, instead of those Apostles, we have caused ye to be their Successors, which be Prelates of the Church by our great might and subtlety, as Christ said of you, They have reigned, but not by me, etc. once I promised him all the Kingdoms of the world, etc. but he would not; but to you who are fallen from grace, and serve us in the Earth, is that my promise fulfilled; therefore fill yourselves full, and be contrary to those Fathers in your Life and conditions, and exalt yourselves above all other men &c fight our quarrel, ●ntangle yourselves in worldly matters etc. And climb up from the miserable state of poverty to the highest Seat of Honour and Princely Places of Dignity, by wiles and subtlety flattery, lying and perjury, Treason, deceit, and s●●ony, etc. And after you are advanced thither where you would he, then either by Violence, Ravening or by Ambition subtly Pelfer away, and wrongfully wrest, and by false Titles possess those goods which should be for the sustentation of the Poor, etc. (Nay) The Devil was in the right on 't there, for Tithes were given by the Doners, as much to the Poor as to the Ministers, only the Priests and Deacons were the overseers to distribute it, as need required; but instead of distributing, they laid hold, and laid hold, and laid hold on the Tithes, that instead of distributing like bishops and Overseers, they bought Coaches, and fared deliciously every day, and he was counted a Special Bishop, that gave the poor, (after his dogs were served) the remaining Pottage, and the scraps to the poor, waiting a morsel at the door, but I'll show (when I have leisure) the bottom of this Mystery of Iniquity, I'll turn it Topsy-turvy, and show you how Covetuousness, Ambition, and Popish Prelacy crept into the Church, which made the Devil so grateful to them in this letter of thanks, saying, for so the letter goes on: Consume these goods (Namely Tithes and Glebs that partly belong to the poor, who need no Poor-rates, if they had their Primitive-Rights, I mean, (as the Doners first gave it to them) Consume these goods as yourselves list, etc. I would have you to build Palaces, fare like Princes, to eat the daintiest meat, and drink the pleasantest wines, and hoard up Treasure (Devil! this advice is needless, it might have been spared, they can do all these things without thy bidding, of their own Inclination, without thy Temptation! And be not like Peter and Paul (never fear it Devil! who said, Silver and Gold have I none; ye fight for us etc. when Christ called you the Synagogue of Satan we loved you, etc. For your deserts which contemn the Laws of Simon Peter, and embrace the laws of Simon Magus, etc. Ye have made the House of God, a Den of Thiefs, ye make Laws, and keep not the feme, &c, Ye justify the wicked for reward, and take away the righteousness of the Righteous from him, etc. We would also you should do our commendations to our entirely beloved daughter's Pride, Deceit, Wrath, Avarice, Belly-chear, Lechery especially, to Lady Simony, who hath made you men and given you such, etc. And if any man will Preach or teach otherwise then you will have him, oppress ye him violently with Excommunications and Censures, etc. (this was impertinent (Devil) he might have spared this advice also, they can do these things without the Devils temptations fast enough) heaped one upon another; And let him be condemned as a Heretic, or Shismatick, and kept in Prison till he die, for an Example to all such, etc. As you (Dear Tories) may see the same more at large in Fox's Act and Monuments; and at large in the last Packet of Advice last week by the ingenuous Mr. Care. Reynold Peacock Bishop of Chichester said, that the riches of Bishops are the goods of the poor, and that spiritual persons by the Law of God, ought not to have temporal possessions, and that personal Tithes is not due by God's Law; that the Universal Church of Rome may err in matters of faith, and that it is not necessary to Salvation, to believe what general-Councels ordain and determine: These points and others to this purpose, he confessed he held and taught the space of twenty years; and after the Bishop of Canterbury, and other Bishops set themselves against him, and he was imprisoned during his life. Which shows their cruelty to the Naked Tauth men, to smother them in all ages, for God has raised up some such in all ages, but the Prelates (for the most part) did their business, which made Aeneas Silvius (who was afterwards Pope of Rome) and wrote the Book of the Council of Basil,) in his Thirty eighth Epistle to Cardinal julian, concerning these Cardinals, who so magnified the Authority of the Cburch, as if they would spend their lives for the same, and yet slipped home from that Council of Basil &c. deridingly say, that they had rather lose their faith, than their preferment. etc. And Prosper (ex Illirico) saith— That holy men did not challenge the church-good as their own, but as given to the poor, to be divided to all them that have nothing, neither ought they to give any thing to those that have of their own enough, for that is but to cast away things. Concel. Lateran. Anno Domini 1179. held at Rome by Pope Alexander, and 110 Bishops. It is Decreed, That none of the Clergy within Orders should meddle with any Temporal Business, and that Priests should have but one Benefice; and that Bishops should be charged to maintain such Priests as they did Ordain, etc. (And not beggar (surely) those Priests Ordained and premoted already, and swallow them up.) Which made Cardinal Aralatensis say (in the said Council of Basil— That all Bishops ought to understand that they come to have greater power than Priests only by Custom, and not by Dispensation of the truth of God; and that they ought to rule the Church together, for a Priest is the very same that a Bishop is by divine Institution; for there is such a Concordance (saith he) between a Bishop and a Priest; that Paul to Titus calleth Bishops Priests. And Christ saith, blessed are the poor in spirit; neither was there any rich Bishop in the Primitive Church; neither did the Ancient Church reject Dionysius Bishop of Milan, nor Eusehius' Bishop of Vercellus, Hillary Bishop of Pictavia, although they were very poor; but if we will grant the naked truth (well spoke Cardinal!) The poor are more apt to give right judgement than the rich; because riches causeth fear lest they should to be taken from them (too true) And Poverty causeth liberty, for The poor fear no Tyranny as rich men do, who are given over to all kind of vanity, idleness and sloth, and will deny Christ (and Truth) rather than lose their riches; Not love to the Flock, (for that's too big and numerous for them to feed) but love to the Revenues makes them Bishops. john Gerson, a Popish Chancellor of Paris, and a great Civilian saith— that the neglect to observe that ancient Canon, namely that Bishops should have poor Apparel, Lodging and Diet, and should not strive for Transitory things, but to imitate the Apostles— Hence— Hence— the Root of all mischief in the Church— Also (he saith) their making of Laws such as they have no Authority from God to make, and their enjoining men by Censures and Excommunications to observe their Laws, their Courts, etc. Which is the cause of Division, which (he saith) will never be appeased (in France) until the Heads spiritual be reform. When Episcopacy first crept into the Earth it was not so inconsistent with Gospel-rule, and they were chosen by the people and Ministers who were to live under their inspection, etc. Yea, Popes themselves were chosen by the People and the Priests, and after confirmed by the Emperor, and were not chosen by Cardinals and Courtesans as they now are, etc. By ancient Canons the Bishop ought not to Ordain any without the Council of the Clergy, and Testimony of the People: Distinct. 70. Tit. Ordinationis. Distinct. 29. quando. And he shall be no Prince henceforth, whom neither Clergy nor People of his own City hath Elected. Distinct. 64. Tit. si forte— according to Acts 1.23, 24, 25, 26. Acts 6.3.4.6.7. See more of this Extravag. de Institot. cap. ex frequentibus. Extravagant. de Prescript Tit. 51. diligent, etc. cum omne. Mr. Henry Stalbridg (our Countryman) in his Exhortative Epist. printed at Basil, hath these words— I say yet once again, and that in the zeal of the Lord; as he is my Judge, I wish if his gracious pleasure so were; That first the King's Majesty, and so all those to whom God hath given power and authority on Earth may throughly see and perceive, how that not only the bloody Bear and Wolf of Rome, but also the most part of other B— and stout-sturdy Canons of Cathedral-Churches, with other pretty Prowlers, and prestigious Priests of Baal in all Realms of Christendom, especially in— do roar about like Lions, fret like angry Bears,, and like cruel Wolves should enter, not sparing the Flock Acts 20.29. These Spiritual man-hunters are the very offspring of Cain, children of Caiaphas, and successors of Simon Magus, as their Doctrine and living declare. Most cruel Enemies have they been in all ages to the verity of God, and most Fierce Persecutors of Christ and his Church, marvel not ye Bishops and Prelates, (saith he) though I thus in the zeal of Elias and Phineas stomach against your Sturdy stubbornness, for never was any Tyranny ministered upon Christ's members but by your procurement; never did Christ send such bloody Apostles, and two horned Warriors; But the Devil-vicar Antichrist sent them, who is deadly destroyer of faithful believers, etc. (And so on at a great rate, which see at large. then) Consider your beginning, never came you in with your Mitres, Robes, and Rings, etc. at the door, as did the poor Apostles, but by the window unrequired, like Robbers, thiefs, and Manquellers, with Simon Magus, Martion, and Menander; never was your Pontifical-Power of our heavenly father's planting▪ and therefore must be routed up, Mat. 15.13. If any thing under Heaven need reformation, let them that mind any Godliness (Ay, ay, but where shall we find such) think this to be one; for, if these be not Spiritual Thiefs, Soul Murderers, Heretics, Schismatics, Church robbers, Rebels and Traitors to God and Man, where are any to be looked for in the world? ('tis strange that this holy man was not bound to the good behaviour, as some common rogue for this Naked Truth, and plaindealing:) for nothing can they do (saith he) but daily mischief, etc. And may as well be spared in the Commonwealth (saith he) as Kites, Crows, Buzzards, Polecats, (Bless us!) Rats, Weasels, Otters, (Magnat's. Articles, old Statutes, Libels, Oaths, and Writs, Capiasses, Bums, jailors, Supplicavits, Silencing, Suspensions, Deprivations, Excommunications, Apparitors, Hangmen, Promoters? etc. But listen he goes on—) Wolves, and Foxes, bodily Fleas, or fleshflies, or other devouring noisome vermin: — For so long as they sat in the Par— (having before said, I reckon it high time for all Christian-Princes, which pretend to receive the Gospel of Salvation, and to live in peace and tranquillity for ever, to cast the Bishops out of Privy-Councels, and utterly to seclude you from all Administrations, etc. for so long as they sit in the Parl— House, the Gospel shall be kept under, and Christ Persecuted in his faithful members: (Indeed and indeed, no man can do great mischief, except he have great power; for curst-Cows that have short horns may be handled and kept to the Peace, and good Behaviour.) Take me not here (saith he) that I condemn any Bishop or Priest that is Godly, doing those offices the Scripture commandeth, as Preaching the Gospel, Providing for the Poor, etc. But against Bloody Butchers that murder God's People, and make havoc of Christ's Congregation, to maintain jewish-ceremonies, and Paganish-Superstition, in the Christian-Church; These are not Bishops, but Sheep-biters, Tyrants, Tormentors, and the Devils Slaughtermen, and the Devils Slaughtermen— But such as in Poverty Preach the Gospel, provide for the Poor, rebuke the wicked world of Pride— Idolatry— Hypocrisy— They are not only worthy of Competent living, but worthy of double Honour: But from the inordinate excess of Riches, Priests and Prelates ought of all men to be sequestered (will they not sooner send out sequestrations to beggar and starve the Orphans, whom they have bereft and made Orphans? Desolate and Comfortless— the Lord reward them according to their works! Consider that the wicked nature of Mammon is always to Corrupt, yea, the very Elect of God (when they grew monstrous great) were not more merciful; (saith he.) The Learned and Pious Stalbridge, whose name is yet so precious amongst the Germans and Swissers; (for his learned labours, works, books and naked-truth) and an Honour to his Country, this kingdom of England, and precious to all true English men! But (only) that he was a Protestant. Therefore, listen to a Papist or two more. St. Bernard, and Abbot in his Epist. ad Eugenium Papam. To Pope Eugenius— thus— For Tithes, Testaments, Administrations, Servitude, Legitimations, and such like (saith St. Bernard to the Pope, and one of the worse of Popes that ever sat, being deprived by a general Council for his damnable and notorious cruelties, villainies, etc.) you went beyond your bounds, when you restrained them) namely, the cognizance of Tithes, Testaments, Administrations, Servitude, Legittimations, or Matrimony, and the like) To your Courts, and without Caesar, made laws for things that did belong to Caesar— (as a Tantivie Preacher) in the Temple— upon that Text Give unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's, and unto God the things which are Gods—: said— what is Caesar's, what things? I answer, Caesar shall have your Goods, your Lands, your Wives, your Children, your All— All is Caesar's— But some may say (quoth Tantivee-Preacher fitter to preach at Tyburn than the Temple) If Caesar shall have All, then what shall God have?— I answer (quoth he) God shall have your Souls— But as for your Bodies, your Lands, your Goods, your Livings, your Lives, your Children, and your Wives, They are Caesar's. But listen to St. Bernard. For the Goods, Lands, Livings, Estates of Laymen, and Clerks also, are Caesar's charge; (by Caesar he means the Supreme Temporal Government, whether Monarchy absolute, or a Republic, or Monarchy mixed (as here in England) Caesar's charge and not yours, nor the Prelates. My Kingdom (saith Christ) is not of this World. If then the Pope, Prelates and Priests, will be the servants of Christ (saith St. Ambrose upon those words, and he was a Popish Prelate too) they must not challenge any worldly Kingdom: The Servant is not above his Master: And if the Master deny it, the Servant may not affirm it and usurp it. Soldiers of Christ must not entangle themselves with the affairs this world, much less to make themselves Lords and judges of Earthly matters. You call the Popes (hard names!) Bears! Wolves— and Sherks—. For mischief (what is * Rocks so called near the Lizard. (then)— th' Bishop and's Clerks At the Landsend of England? those Dire stones On which— Ships— Men— are lost— Body and Bones? In all Ages God raised up Naked Truth men, but they were crushed and run down; like the Lord Cobham (Sir john Old Castle) Butchered and martyred and burnt in Smithfield by the cruelty of Prelates, etc. for Scandal' Magnat' in these slanderous, seditious, scandalous and Heretical Words, namely,— The will of God is, That Priests being secluded from all worldliness, should conform themselves to the example of Christ and his Apostles, that is, in Poverty, (oh bloody word! and Scandal' Magnat!) and teaching the Scriptures purely, and giving good Example to others, more than any sort of People. Where (saith he to the Prelates) do ye find in God's Law, that you should sit in judgement of any Christian-man? But in Annas and Caiaphas that sat thus upon Christ? and upon his Apostles after his Ascension? of whom only have ye taken it, to judge Christ's Members as ye do, since the venom of judas was shed into the Church: And by venom (saith he) I mean (your judas-baggs, your great Purses) your Possessions, and Lordships: For then an Angel cried in the Air wo-wo-wo- This day is venom shed into the Church, as your own Churches mention. Before that time all the Bishops of Rome in a manner were Martyrs, (if it were so now) Misses would not be sought to for a—, than they would say? nolo Episcapari— nolo Episcopari— I am not ambitious to be a Bishop— Or ambitious of Martyrdom.) But— since that time;— Popes and Bishops, one hath cursed and poisoned, slain and done much mischief to another: Christ was weak and merciful (Oh dangerous word!) But they are proud and Tyrannical— Christ was poor, but they are rich, etc. Well! they did his business for him in Smithfield: (more is the pity, God knows,) amongst Christians too? you`le say,) nay, amongst the Successors of the Apostles, Peter and Paul? Oh Hypocrisy! I hourly expect the fruits of the like rage and cruelty: God enable me to undergo it cheerfully, patiently, and courageously, (as the Lord Cobham did, of whom they said, as now they say of me, for the like Naked-Truth, in declaring their Extortions, Cruelty, and Illegal oppressions) Away— with such a fellow from the earth— for it is not fit that he should live. Take but one Story more (in good part) and I'll trouble you no more at present, and 'tis from a Papist, a Countryman of our own, an English-Papist, Alexander Fabritius, in his Destructorium vitiorum, part. 6. cap. 79. vixit Anno Domini 1420. In these words, viz. Who are more horribly enthralled to the Devil's Servitude, than those who are placed in the sublimity of Honour, Ecclesiastical Fellows, who ought to be the Light of the World, yet where is more abundant Darkness of Vices? Where more abundant gaping after Earthly things? then in modern Prelates? who are fatted in both powers, as well Temporal as Spiritual? where is greater Pomp, in all Appendices, yea, and that so much, that having left the Poverty of the Primitive Church, they are now rather to be termed Princes of Provinces, than Pastors of Souls, etc. with abundance more to this Purpose; which you may see at large (Dear Tantivees!) at your best leisure; so much for this time— from Your humble Servant E. H. The Mushroom: OR, A satire In Answer to a satire against Sedition. Called THE MEDAL. TIME was (john Laureate) when thy pretty Muse (Young, plump and Buxom) no man would refuse Though thou didst poorly Prostitute her store, And for vile-pences made her a Hackney-Whore Against the Laws of Art: (Phoebus is just!) Her former Lovers does her (now) disgust, And I, that once in private hugged her well, (Nay sometimes smiled at her Achitophel) I deigned to kiss her kindly, and to greet Her lovely Airs, so charming and so sweet, (Nay; be not jealous (john!) thou hast no cause, This was) whilst she within the modest Laws Of a Trur Poet kept— she's nauseous grown, Thou needs must blush to own her for thine own, If thou hast any grace— she's poor and shent, He's far from witty that grows Impudent. Oh! what a silly do thou keep'st in vain, About a Medal thus to break thy Brain? The Ancient Romans so Renowned for Wars, Kept Medals of their Friends and Ancestors; Art thou Redletter bred, of hopes from Rome? Yet against Pictures speak'st? from whence they come. A satire once (Satyr's could speak (or) shine) Why Men did blow their Nails could not Divine; Nor why they did their Porridge blow: Was told One— was to make them— hot— the other— cold. At which News satire set up skut and run, (As if he had been frighted with a Gun) How would he run from thee in Naked Truth, Who blowest both cold and hot from the same mouth? Thy Stroling-Muse may serve the Bawdy-Stage, Or a Dull-Ballad, (though she is in age) Or, serve a Tory when he swears by Book; But from ingenious Men,— Not one kind look. Thy Haggard Muse, that used to mount the skies (Grown old) for easy Prey, to Dunghills flies. Thy youthful Strumpet (now) Thy old Hag stains, Thy Nodes (Pox on't) have putrified thy Brains; Expect not Davenant's Fate— whose Muse (alone) Kissed the old Bard, even when his Nose was gone, And (though a Miss, yet) constant as a Wife, Never forsook him till he left his life, But hugged the wretch when he did noseless lie, And made him sweetly snivel Melody. But (john) thy Winter-years 'tis (sadly) seen, Can not maintain thy Laurel fresh and green; It withers every day, This 'tis to use A Stageing, bawdy, common, Hackney Muse: Hang her Whore— March her off, lest you should lose Not only Brains,— she'll get thee by the nose, And pull it off (perchance) whilst we must say, This comes (john) of your Whoring, and foul Play, 〈◊〉 of his ●●●stle to whigs. But the best jest is this— The Doting Bard Seems to be shy and jealous, and afraid, Lest (Sharp set) whigs should steal some of his store, Or (Needy Grown) borrow his Common Whore, Courage— Man!— fear it not; I'll be their Bail; (For Petty Larceny men go not to Jail) Shall whigs, who have amongst themselves such store, Filch thy Stale Taplash Droppings, old and sour▪ Shall whigs (base jealousy!) visit the Stews, Or, Rob the spital for a nasty Muse? A common, Hackney-Strumpet, that so cheap Does Prostitute herself to every leap? Shall whigs (the Glory of the City grown, And of the Kingdom too) that of their own Are stocked— shall they (when Wit and Wealth combine) Empty Exchequers Robb— (Tory) like thine? 'Tis Scandalu●s Magnat ' that a Divine And modest-Muse should deign to talk with thine: (A sure proof she has little else to do) Thank the good Bishop for my presence now. Fear not my Muse, she is no Plagiary, None of thy Stock by her shall e'er miscarry: She is not rich, but yet for Common Pelf (Like thine) she needs not seek out of herself: She has no gaudy Dress, yet clean and smooth, Not farced with far-fetched Phrases and uncouth; Her Helicon's not strong, but needs no pains To bump it up, no Heaveings, no hard strains, But easy flows— Phoebe at her Birth befriends her, Her Modesty (if aught) most recommends her. Her Sheets are clean, though course; she's a young Bride, She is no French-Miss, nor yet Frenchifyed: Young Ladies may her naked Features view, Yet not (their shame) by guilty- Blushes show: Is't not a wonder than a Muse (like mine) Should stoop so low as to be seen with thine? With thy old Hackney prostituted Muse, That does Herself as (long) the Stage abuse? In Satyrs (too) against Sedition, Absolom was the last glory she won: She's lost for ever and forlom, her shame Is now discovered— she goes limping, lame: Poets and Beauty play no Aftergame.— Which the old-Bard (though Purblind) does foresee, And therefore now bespeaks our Charity In two vile Sonnets prefacing his flaws, (Penned by himself) to wheedle in Applause; And drill men in— Thus over Doors are set Papers— Lo! Her's Fair Chambers to be let. His limping-Verses has the string-halt got, Some have due length and size and some have not: In Lincoln-Fieilds have you not Cripples seen With wooden-legg (th'other of Bone has been, With our old-noded-Poet thus it fares, Begging Alms for his Feet (because) not pairs. Poor Laureate! Thy Bays are forfeit now, And better will become some other Brow. Husbands (in Egypt) when their Wives grow stale, And Beauty (not by Paint retrieved) does fail, For a base living watch upon the Strand The keen and vigorous Seamen (when they land, Eager to fly at all) by Pimping thrives, And By false praises drill men to their Wives, Thus— this Stale Bard, the Reader to abuse By feigned Applause, turns Pimp to his own Muse. That we may be enamoured on her dress, The Gypsee-Cuckold does her Charms confess In loud-lewd Lines premised, (Epistle-wise) Made by Himself, Pandaring in disguise, That Gentle Readers might kind looks confer On his Hag-Muse, and be Gallants to Her. Tapsters with half-wrought Froth thus give a dash To vend their stale dead-Beer, and sour Taplash. If whigs be silent, than the Tory says, They're silenced— cannot answer Mr. Bays, (The Poet Laureate) And if we write, He swears we learn of him how to indite: Nay, he's— so charitable, we— so poor— His Epist. 6. He bids us take and welcome of his store— And, lest our Verses happen to want feet, He frankly proffers his; and 'tis most meet We should (in charity accept his proffer now) For his (like that) has As p. 6. ●ice also. 10. p. 11.16. p. 17.19. in his Medal. ●pist. p. 6. more than should by two. And we (poor Blocks) (as our last Refuge too) Are glad to turn his lines upon him now; And Satyrize (when our rough Rhymes are trim) By skill in satire only stolen from him. Thus does the Bladder swell (and puff to boot) I'll prick it then, and let the Vapour out. Go— and invent Posies for Rings— or send Now to condole your late departed friend And Patroness, the French-Miss, cheer her heart With Praise-Romantick, and thy (Courtlike) Art, Make Hue and Cry after the Bitch that's stolen Away (as Gazette says) or Dead, or gone, The White-Bitch lost from Court, at the back-stairs, Give the Pim— chiff— notice how she fares, And bring her back, her Marks— is one foul spot Upon her Loins, which I had quite forgot: But, to write Satyrs thou art (now) unfit, Satyrs too brisk for thy (drawing on) wit. And though it merits not a look of mine, I'll treat it fair because (they say) 'tis thine: Thus Brats found (in rich linen) at men's doors, (As being thought to come of no poor Whores) Though Parish-Charge, yet gentler usage meet Then other Brats (worse mantled) left i'th' Street. Muses, like Women, cannot lovely be, When they divest themselves of Modesty, How fair and beautiful so e'er they were, Wickedness is not wit, (for Rhyme) that's clear. Should All the Nine Court me at once, and say But one lewd thing, I'd kick the Whores away. Whores (that have lost all shame) whose shame is cheat, Yet (to allure) some shame they'll counterfeit. But thou (old Bawdy-Bard) quite spoils the sport, With Profane Lewdness, sure thou lives at Court. Say— Is the Air infectious? what's the matter? Thou (thus) Burlesques all good, and sin dost flatter? And ridicules all sober, pious Sense, And Loyalty, except it come from thence: As if whigs could not to their King be true, Except they Traitors be to God, like you; And, with their Prayers, Curses interlace: Base Mungrel-Loyalty with a janus-face! One looks with Smiles upon the King, (How odd?) The other facing, braving the great God. One singing Psalms— the other— Curses sing Dam— ye Dog!— Huzzah!— God bless the King. For, Praying for the King— that will not do't, Except whigs also curse themselves to boot; Prising God and their Souls (what harm) above him; And loath to damn themselves; (although they love him) And therefore though the highflown Torys be Now at the desperate push of Loyalty. Willing to show they love their Prince, How far? More than their God, or Souls, or Christ— they dare? Bold Torys— march!— boldly go on— in ill; whigs will not stir a foot, say what you will, Call it Sedition, or what next does come, We'll damn for ne'er a Prince in Christendom. No— get you gone together— go— be gone— Better be singled by ourselves (alone) Then march with you to Hell for company; Call it Sedition, Schism, Haeresy. To the late woes (by which the Land did groan) Did only th' Sins of whigs Contribute? None, None of the Torys-sins clubbed, nor conferred: 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉. Yet Charles the First confessed— both sides had erred. And these Incendiaries are too blame. To heat the Kingdom thus into a flame: Must Men (fairly acquit by Law) Again Be thus Arraigned by every Hackney Pen? When Teagues O Divelly together Plot, (Though in their Evidence of Truth no Jot:) When damned Suborners yet unpunished go, Alas! may we not joy we have 'scaped so? And when they got their fingers in, they tore The wounds wide-ope were almost healed before. Behold the ghastly Cicatrizes still! To rend and tear them open again is ill. How does the Market fail? when Laureates With Pimping Rhymes are glad to turn Make-bates, And for to earn his Pension (when he gets it) Writes Scoundrel-like, without or fear or wit. Pox! who made Poets Politicians now? Good Politicians sure are scarce I trow, Go-Pack— after her Pack— Poets are poor, So is th' Exchequer, as I said before, And ne'er the Richer (sure) for a French Whore. But the French King can pay his debts— go— eat With him your Meals, he can pay for his Meat Before Digested, and can buy thee clothes Not eaten (e'er they're paid for) up with Moths. Our King will little thank such Laureates, That think to deck a Crown by being Make-bates; Judging it wit, in Masquerade, to tell How Absalon and wise Achitophel Were wicked (once) two thousand years ago, And therefore (whom they hate) must still be so: Poor witless Sophister! Do but turn the Tables, And play them I know where, thou'lt call them Fables And yet the Coxcomb did admire his wit, And Tories call it (still) a Lucky-Hit And why? for God's sake why? where are men's brains? Fooled by Romance and by Poetick-Strains? And whiffled by a dull old Quixot? (Fy-oned) The Windmill of his Brains (he thought) a Giant. Thou showsed what truebred Valour Courtiers have, Is this Heroick? Hector-like to brave A man (thou sayst) is Crippled hand and foot, Bound to the Peace (Hard Hap!) by the fell-Gout: His Brains (tho') are not Gouty (john!) like thine, And for a helping-hand (behold!) here's mine. Courtiers have from my Naked-weapon run, The women— not;— (what e'er the men have done,) Follow French-Miss— Be wise— like Rat and Mouse, That do (by Instinct) fly a Rotten House: I'll take thy Laurels from thee (If I list) An Honour (to my fairer Brow) when mistress 'Tis a day thrown away, (no more!) think I, Nor more it was, yet— diem perdidi: Unless it be to make thy satire sell And Tonson Begged this Boon, (some may think well) Thy satire (three months Birth) a Cripple came, This day to hand,— now I return it lame, London March 17. 1681. POSTSCRIPT. GOD grant that this Mushroom be not like jonas (his) Gored, that sprung up in a night and perished in a night—. Mushroom's though they spring up in a night, yet (well dressed and Cooked) are served up, for Daintyes, and last long, notwithstanding their hasty Birth— like this, far from the Author's Library, his Notes, and his Books. And if any man think or say that it is a wonder, if this Book and Verses were composed and writ in One Day, and sent to the Press, since it would employ the Pen of a ready Writer, or, nimble Scrivener, to Copy this Book in a Day (it may be so.) But it is a Truth as certain and stable as the Sun in the Firmament, and which (if need be) the Bookseller, Printer, and others Worthy Citizens, that are privy to it, can avouch, for an Infallible Truth— Deo soli Gloria— When a Divine Hand assists, one (of Despicable, dull, and inconsiderable Parts and Learning) may do wonders, which God usually performs by most weak and unlikely Instruments— Take the advice, (if you be wise) of the great Privy Counsellor, Acts 5.34, 35, 36.37, 38, 39, 40. But (some may say) why was not more time and more Pains bestowed upon so excellent an Argument? I answer— That this is enough in answer to a foolish Libel; and besides, my Pen is better employed, upon the like Subject and Argument, upon another occasion, as the world will perceive very speedily, I had much ado, to persuade my fancy to throw away or spare a Day upon such an Idle occasion; and with such a Trifler. But Poetry (like a Miss) is pleasant and delicious now, and then, (in some men's wanton Fancy) but as nauseous as a Wife (is to their liquorish Humours) when made a practice, a Trade, and of constant use. Thus Airy Poetry interlaced here and there with weightier matter in Prose, does with the diversity and Lard, willingly charm and bewitch the Readers Eye (like Landscapes of Hills and Dales, Woods and Plains) lovely through variety. But 'tis dull, when made a Trade off, and a poor dull Trade, a Rhimer? Tick-Tock, Knock-Block, a mere Chimer. And therefore though in Poetic Heat, I seem to threaten Dried— s Laurel, Let him not fear; for none but a Foolish Courtier or some Poor Poet envys this bloaty, swollen, self-conceited, puffed up, windy and (therefore) empty Bladder. I shall not make a practice of contending with him,— I am none of those Hackney-Rhimers, that (like the Beggars in Poland, and our English Wassals) get Bread by canting Verses; or, like the Ballad-singers, that live by Rhimes; or, like the Fiddlers, and Singing-Boys (in Cathedrals) that sing to eat; or like Country-Fellows at Christmas, that sing a Carol for a Christmas Pie; or like the Gypsees, that Pick men's Pockets with Canting; nor shall I (perhaps) hereafter heed him: But, (when he does (being Hired) abuse the Worthies of the Nation (because they are so) I shall answer him (as they do) only with contempt and neglect. Thus, Truebred Lion's stalk and walk on their own way, not heeding nor minding the little Curs that yelp and bark though (Greater) hearten them (or, set them) on. Surely a Politician and a Divine are scarce Commodities, when we fly for Refuge to Hackney Poets and Hireling Pamphleteers, with their Juniper-Lectures of Politics and Divinity, to instruct the Tantivy Clergy, every Week, against the time that Sunday comes, and to Tutor the Corporations and Country justices, and Country Commission-Officers! What sport is it to see an old Country justice (with his eager Chaplain at his Elbow) putting his Barnacles on his nose, (Bless us!) How he gapes and admires when he reads Nat. Thompson, the Addresses in the Gazette, Abhorrences, Heraclitus, or the Observator? But, show him but— Ahsalom and Achitophel— oh— then the man's born mad, there's no holding him, than the Hunts up, (and though in his Dining-Room) how he spends with double mouth, and whoops and hallows (just as he hunts his Dogs when at full Cry) That— That— That— That— Rattle— Towzer,— Bull-Dog— Thunder— That— That— whilst the little Trencher-Chaplain Echoes to him, and cries— Amen— But I have more honourable Employment than (like a Schoolboy) to Cap Verses— or, to blemish my larger name with that of— Bays— or Laureate. Only it moved my Indignation, as well as Scorn, (when I read the Challenge to the whigs p. 6. of his Epistle, and the Bravado extorted from me this nimble check, but just rebuke, for such Arrogance, Opiniatry, and Petulancy, to abate (if possible) his Pride, and the contempt (he seems to have) of the whigs, whom the Hackney-Laureat does so magisterially despise at such a rate, that the Tory-Courti●rs (poor hearts! They know no better,) Hugg and admire the (Embossed) Rhodomantade. Nay, they willingly give him their jewels and golden Earrings (those Few I mean that are left unpawned) thus Making as well as Worshipping, and Idolising the Golden-Calf. For (like other foolish Bigots) they pay for their worship; beggaring themselves, poor, though they be and cannot pay (or will not pay) the debts (they owe) to many a poor widow, oh merciless cruelty, and violence to justice and Law, to enrich the shrines of their Craftier Prophet. Who laughs in his sleeve and smiles at the silly devotion of his zealots, and soft-pated votaries, except he (like some other Prophets, that for a living and livelihood tell their lies so often ●till) at last they begin to believe them themselves being willingly fooled into the faith and good opinion of their own (gainful) nonsense, by such a profitable Credulity; their Religion (being) their Trade, as well as their gain. But how ill does Laurel become the brow of a Libeler▪ how unsuitable to the Head? Thus— Have we not known and seen that Preferment, Titles, Honour, and High-places have been given to some, for no other reason, but (because) villains, grand villains, and (therefore) preferred, To serve a turn (of State) a Renegade, (That has his Conscience, God and King betrayed) Sometimes a base Interpreter is made, Though he an Atheist be in Masquerade; And in rich robes (through villainy) arrayed: Yet, this Apostasy who dare upbraid? The Villian struts it, and seems not afraid: Suborners tho' are shown in Cavilcade; To publish-wrath may liable be made: Oh▪ then the Villain will for all be paid; Then where's your gay-Apostate Renegade. For such new Titles, honour, Preferment, and Places, (got chiefly because the conscience was debauched and apt to any villainy) that an honest man would much rather be hanged then accept off, on so base Terms, being a mere Slave, Puppet; and set up for the feat; and his preferment, or Titles, as odious to all honest men, and men of Honour, as a Rich Turban on the Head of a Renegade, with which the Fop proudly jets, as the Ensign as well as reward of his Apostasy and Villainy. What a blemish is it to a man of so great wit, and sense, to to be so greatly wicked? or for a Laureate (like a Pimp) to talk Bawdy, and write smutty Prologues, because the Fops relish nothing that is not such? Or, for base pelf, to rake up dirt to asperse the glory of most renowned Patriots? that hazard their lives (Hard fate!) to stand in the Gap, and in the fury of a Raging Tide, with great peril, and hazard of themselves, their estates, families; and Posterities, to prevent (if possible) a threatening deluge and inundation: I know it (to my cost) And when by the Almighty arm their Innocence and their lives (from the man-catchers) are fairly acquit, and proved Innocent upon trial, and by law redeemed: Are we not at a fine pass, when their Honours, and fame shall be arraiged again at the Tribunal of every rascally Scribbler, paltry Libeler, witless satire, and silly Pamphleteer? Who live (like Gold-finders) by dealing in Privyes and jaques, and make it their office to be the Kingdom's Scavengers, raking up dirt and dung, and then malepertly throwing it at every one that stands in the way of their dunghill designs, and shameful sham-plots. 'Tis true; a Hangman is a necessary utensil of State, but there are Rogues enough for the work, to make a noose, and burn men in the hand, brand and stigmatize; an office much below a man of Honour or Wit. FINIS.