THE TRIMMER, HIS FRIENDLY DEBATE WITH THE OBSERVATOR CONCERNING UNIFORMITY; Rendition of Charters, the House of Commons, not a House of Courtiers; and twenty things more, not worth the Rehearsal in a Title-Page. Though it be the Common Policy of some Authors or Booksellers to Wheedle Men in to th' Exchange of Money for Books, by putting more in the Title-Page, than you shall find in the Book; and (like the Observator) more in the Contents then in the Chapter. LONDON, Printed for R. Hall; And sold by most Booksellers. 1683. TO THE READER, IF any one be inquisitive to know who comes here? (and under the guise of a Trimmer) I answer, a Friend, a Friend to his Country, as are all those, and only those that are Loyal to the King; and because the Observator also appears (only) in Masquerade, I also thus muffle up myself in the dark, and go a mumming with him. And indeed I may well be loath to be apprehended, and known, and taken in such Company. where gravity itself may well blush to be seen with such a Scaramucchio. Not that I need be afraid, or ashamed at any thing here writ, nor that I want a lawful Commission to call him (thus) to account, since the Law of God, the Law of Nature, Self-preservation, and the Common Law of Mankind, gives every man a Letter of Mart against the Common-Picqueroon of all good men's reputations. And if I have indulged an humour that may sometimes (possibly) seem Picquant and Eager, the malignity of the humour to be corrected, may require (at least) indemnity. Besides the Observator has so coated himself in his own dirt, that there's no coming at him, till he be scraped. For Spies (or Observators) very subtly walk Incognito and with a dark Lantern (like Faux) in disguise; and though always ready to give fire to the Train of their own laying, to blow up whom they list, and when they list, yet no body can certainly tell who hurts them; they shoot in the dark; and with white powder, doing Execution, and yet not betrayed by the report. So that I am forced to bring him to light, & unhood him sometimes by some (otherwise unwelcome) Periphrasis. Yet can no man imagine that I or any man should be overforward to attack such an Hydra, that decollate his venom never so dextrously, and assuredly yet the next week he shall still perk up his head anew, so long as he has any mischief to exert. — Iram atque animos ex crimine sumit. Besides, There is no conquering an Ape, all Correction is lost upon him, for lash him, and slash him never so tightly for his lustful Pranks, and mischievous Gambols, yet He'll turn up his Scut, and snear in your Face, With an impudent Grin, and a learing Grimace. THE TRIMMER, HIS FRIENDLY DEBATE WITH THE OBSERVATOR. CHAP. I. Trim. NOW, we have begun to Parley, I see some blooming hopes of a Peace betwixt us, at least a Truce! Obs. Never, never, I am against all Peace with Whigs, Trimmers, or Dissenters; and am only for Obs. 269. Jan. 10. 1682. Execution, Execution— with a firm, hardy, and unalterable determination. Trim. Are you not capable of any mitigation, nor moderation? Obs. No; no; speak not a word on't; I have (indeed, long ago) hung out the White-flag, (than was then, and now is now; then was your time of Treaty;) but, now like Tamburlaine, I hang out nothing but the Blood-red Flag. Trim. Notwithstanding which, I am (still) of opinion that your rage might be mortified, and by my hand too; at least moderated, or mitigated. Obs. What? Dost thou think that my Ring-worm Observation's inveterated now to a Tetter, can be corrected with a little gall-less Ink, and a blunt Pen? Trim. It is not impossible, if a man could think it worth his while: or, if it were proper to be grave with a Buffoon. Obs. Then you take the Observator (on whose vigilance, and strenuous sedulity depends the public Peace) to be but a Mimic in your esteem. Trim. I think it is as needless as ridiculous to talk seriously to an Ape; and he that does it, is the greater Ape of the two; and yet, to suffer the mischievous Ape, to play his Gambols uncorrected, what patience or wisdom can endure it? For so noisome and offensive are some Animals to humane kind, that it concerns all mankind to get quit of the Annoyance, with as speedy a riddance and dispatch as may be, by any lawful means, how great soever be the drudgery. Obs. Then why do you undertake such a drudgery? Trim. I confess there is no credit in the Rancounter, where the victory deserves pardon (only;) no Triumph. Obs. Then you doubt not the victory be like. Trim. Victory? I attempt none over thee, more than (a Scavinger does) over the Kennel; it is an employment more easy, and necessary, then creditable; and he that (for publick-good) stoops to it, cannot possibly do it without dirtying his fingers, be he never so warily cleanly. Besides, there is in an Observator, such a concurrence of odd and sinister qualities, that it is some difficulty to treat him suitably, and yet effectually. Obs. Why so? Am I a man of such Cross-purposes? Trim. Let the Company judge, for, treat a Monkey seriously, and correct him never so effectually, and he'll only steer at you; and on the other hand, treat him suitably (that is) Apishly, and the Bystanders will laugh at both; the best way is to put a chain about the loins of the wanton Baboon, and tie him up from further harm. Obs. And in the interim, you will show a good reason for it. Trim. As good reason (at least) as you show for execution, execution of all Trimmers, and Dissenters, men of as good conscience, and merit (surely) as your good Worship. For God and Nature, Justice and Reason, Self-preservation, and the common-law of mankind have given every Man a Licence to smite a Viper, or a Mad-Dog, that foams out nothing but rage, and ruin to all he can snap at, biting (like mad) all that comes in his way, as long, and as far as his feeble Legs, and old Teeth will permit him; and when they fail still the howls out, Execution, Execution— will any man in his wits stop that charitable hand, that will maul the old Cur? Obs. You make a very Beast of me; the worst of Beasts? Viper? Mad old Cur? You begin to be good Company; but is not this too reflecting, rude and Personal? Trim. It is Just and Personal; Obs. 273. for he that unmans himself by losing all sense of humanity, spitting fire, vomiting Daggers and Knives, disgorging Halters, as fast as a Juggler does Ribbons, and breathing flames, and Execution, Execution, with a firm, hardy, and unalterable determination, howling against all moderation, mitigation, etc. makes a Beast of himself, and by his Barbarity turns Savage. Obs. Have you any Commission to use me thus? Trim. Yes; the Commission is made in nature, and given to all; is it not lawful to wipe off the dirt, that rude hands shall throw at any man's face? at least, more lawful then to asperse and calumniate? That man that turns satire, discovers thereby (like the Devil, who also like a satire is portrayed with) his Cloven-feet; every man blesses himself from him: And therefore a satire is also painted with wrinkled Horns; that as he gores every man, so every man thinks it lawful to have a sling at him? A Commission (quoth he?) to chastise an old Apish mischievously mad Observator, that like a Salvage-Indian, runs a muck, killing all he can come at, till some lucky hand knock the desperate villain down, and so prevent Execution, Execution, with which he plagued mankind, with a firm, hardy, and unalterable determination. Surely the Law and Justice that permits you to asperse men with your false Colours, and dirt of your own invention, and scraping up against me a Trimmer, and all Trimmers for my sake, in your weekly and daily Pamphlets, cannot in Equity or Justice keep two scales, and two measures, one to buy by, and another to sell by; one Winchester-measure, another Rumford; one for savour, and affection, another for disaffection; one for an Observator, another for a Trimmer, one for a Tory— non— con— another for a Whig— non— con— one for an erroneous Conscience, another for him that has none at all. Justice should be blind, as well as keep just weights and measures; Justice, true Justice have no respect of Persons, know not their own Sons (ay, marry, (Sirs!) who does?) nor yet their own Masters, nor friends in Judgement; for they that have but one Ear open deserve to be cropped, and to lose both, They should not be like the Scotch-Prophet, who undertook certainly to Divine, and foretell at any time in any Lawsuit, which side would be worsted, long before trial; but the False Loune took aim (like crafty Astrologers) from answers to some previous questions, which always guided, and directed his Divination, wherein he seldom or never did err: enquiring first, (thus) Ken ye wha is the Whig and wha is the Tory? And accordingly gave Judgement for Plaintiff or Defendant, as the Judges (he knew) were inclined; Judge Hales is dedd. Obs. Ay, long ago, but his place is not empty. Trim. Such places seldom stand long empty, may they for ever be well-filled, & then Justice will not be severe against a necessary Apology, and yet connive at an Observator that bespatters Trimmers with all the blood shed in Eng. Scot and Irel ascribing it ('tis Strange) to the moderating, mitigating, abating &c. Councils of Trimmers. Obs. What shameless villain could have so little modesty, or so little sense to ascribe such dismal events to be the effects of moderation, and mitigation; 'tis too much nonsense for so ingenuous an Observator to be guilty of it. Trim. I cannot help that, but if I should take notice of all your escapes, I should be more voluminous than Varro; besides, since your weekly, and sometimes daily Observations has replenished the world, they need no more Bumfodder this seven years, I'll maintain it. Therefore I'll neither offend myself, nor my Reader, with turning my head further back (to look upon such nasty Excrements of your Brain) then from January 10. 1682 Obs. N. 269. where you ascribe not only all the Blood shed for 40 long years, and upwards, to the moderating and mitigating Councils of Trimmers, but particularly also the death of the Earl of Strafford, and the murder of the late King is filled to the same account. Obs. I remember no such matter. Trim. A man of your talon needs a better memory, but you did say so. Obs. Where? Trim. I have told you, in Obs. n. 269. What was it but trimming Councils that ruined the late King, etc. Obs. Go on. Trim. Ay, that would be wise work, to reprint your Observator, when any man may have them at the upper end of Holborn for two pence a Bushel: Do you not say, How was all this brought about? By moderating (you answer) mitigating, qualifying, abating, promising, undertaking, flattering, distinguishing, insinuating, expostulating, importuning, supplicating, whining, deploring, desponding, etc. in cases where there was no way left to preserve the Public but Execution, Execution, with a firm, hardy, and unalterable determination. Obs. Nay, If I have said it, I'll stand to it, my Pen never undertook any thing but it carried it. Trim. The wrong way, commonly. Will you promise not to laugh at me, if I be a little serious with such a Scarramuchio? Obs. Speak your pleasure with the same liberty that I have taken. Trim. If I should say, Let your moderation be known unto all men, I should too gravely refel your Boffoonry; but prithee tell me soberly, (if thou canst be sober) Did ever Christ, or his blessed Apostles breathe nothing but Execution, Execution? Did they not conquer the savage World with meekness, moderation and mitigation, mildly teaching the nearest way to Heaven, and to Temperance, Sobriety, Meekness, Piety, the only way thither; and the only way to Peace and Happiness in this World, as well as in another World? Obs. I cannot deny it. Trim. Then (prithee) why dost thou pretend to be more concerned for men's temporal and eternal welfare than they are themselves? Obs. I would but guide them; and if they will not follow, they know what follows, and let them take what follows. Trim. Ay, ay, so let them; Execution, let them have it, firmly and malterably, till the Hangmen be tired and gorged till they vomit blood again; and spew like a Horseleech, or like that horrid French King, (that great persecutor of the Protestants) that died bloody all over; his blood could not by any Art be stopped, but gushed out at Mouth, Eyes, Nose, Ears, and all the other holes in his Body; after his Parisian Massacre. And yet Atheists and Persecutors attribute this to chance, when the finger of God was so visible, (so did jannes' and jambres, till at last, to their confusion, they were convinced.) This was the end of that Charles the 9th of France, who viewing the dead Carcases of his Protestant Subjects, that lay unburied after the Parisian Massacre, and amongst the rest, the dead Body of the Admiral of France. Oh! (said he) quam sudviter olet cadaver inimici? How pleasant is the smell of an Enemy's corpse? So the Queen Mother of Scotland beholding the dead Bodies of her Protestant Subjects, (whom she had slain in battle) said, she never saw a finer piece of Tapestry in her Life. But these Horseleeches lived by blood, and by blood they died. Obs. Ay, but we are not for blood, for kill Men for Religion. Trim. A good reason why, you cannot, because the Writ de Haeretico comburendo is null and void: But was there not ways to bring a Granmer to death for pretence of Treason, when Heresy could not do it? And will any man that makes no Conscience to take my purse, scruple to knock me in the head, if he have opportunity. All Persecutors, like all Dogs, are all of a kind, though some are of loss growth and strength than others; a peevish cursed Gurr would tend and tear like a Mastiff, or an Irish-Greybound, if it had the power, which makes me think of Sir Genge Blage, one of King Henry the 8th's Bedchamber, and in whom the King took great complacence and delight; for Sir George was most pleasantly facetious, and Company for a Prince, but he was a true Protestant in the very heart of him, and consequently did no very good Offices to the King (the Bishop's thought) in reference to them and their Ecclesiastical ways; but to be revenged (an Execution, that they seldom adjourned longer than till the Gallows was set up, and the Master and Hangmen ready, good Men!) they got Sr. George into their Spiritual Courts, and condemned him forthwith for Heresy, (hoping to dispatch him before the King should have notice) and just as they had turned him over to the secular Power, only to burn him a little to ashes, (tender hearts) unluckily came the Kings Pardon, and spoiled the sport, when Sir George coming to thank the King for his grace, Ah, my Pig! (quoth the King, for so he used to call him) yea, saith Sir George, but if your Majesty had not been better to me than the Bishops, your Pig had been roasted before this time. And if the Governors had followed the Execution, Execution, to which (like a malapert Incendiary) you tutor them, our business had been done by this time, either roasted or raw. Thus you are become the Public Bellows, daily kindling and blowing up the Coals of Dissension keeping up Differences, and Parties, and Animosities, that would lie dead if Hodge had bread. CHAP. II. Obs. WHy am I thus neglected then? no preferment stirring a days? Trim. Preferment? Yes, for want whereof, you have under my name, and upon my back, like a discontented Pedant, whipped and slashed men in place and Power (these two months) as men that are so ignorant as to be so stupid, as to be so dull, as not to see your merit, and how well you have deserved of the public. Obs. Such men (as you speak of) like yourself, are crept up into High places and Preferments, and not only so, but (as if you were also the very Pimps to preferment,) hold the door, shutting it against better Men than yourselves, Men that have been always Loyal, always constant; 'tis these Trimmers that know my merit and Loyalty so well, that their knowledge of it has undone me; Obs. n. 272. they know I am too honest for some Courts, and too plain a dealer, which (as I told you lately) has undone me. Trim. Thou Loyal and constant? yes, thou wast always loyal to Whitehall; and very complacent to old Oliver, to humour and oblige him, with the only talon you can glory in, or Oliver took delight in, namely, your Fiddle-sticks; thou art loyal and constant to Whitehall, whoever is the occupant, and in possession, right or wrong. Obs. Did not I give you a List (the other day) of those Names Obs. n. 268. that have been always loyal, always constant; tried men, and never deceived a trust, never warped from their duty, never doubled nor faltered in the worst times? Trim. Yes, you did, I remember by this token, that your own dear self was the Foreman impanelled in the Inquest, with an Asterism, or hand in the margin overagainst it, and underneath these words (which I suppose you stole out of the Ring Mrs. Betty gave you) when this you see, remember me; sure you live amongst bad neighbours, that you are glad (thus) to be your own Trumpet, Mr. Nobs— Obs. Trimmer, thou never spok'st a truer word in thy Life; a company of dull Rogues, they see not the dimensions and goodly size of a man of parts; sometimes even at Sam's Coffee-house the dull-Crapes will make a half-grin, when they meet with a good jest and witty in my Observations, whilst others laugh at them for laughing at that which (they say) is neither witty nor a jest; and when I break as good a jest as any in the Three Kingdoms, Ay dad, they say it is no more worth the laughing at, than if I had broke wind, (saving your presence) calling me but the very Crackf— of the Nation. Trim. They abuse their own wit that suspect yours. Obs. Ay dad, Trimmer, I begin to love thee now for that very word, and if all the men in Place and Power, whom I have persecuted so long under your vizard, had but your Brains and Eyes in their Skulls, I had not thus long been neglected, and forced to write for Bread, my daily Bread sometimes; and dad I have deserved better of the public. Trim. And no doubt but you will be advanced in good time, according to your deserts. Obs. So I have hoped long, indeed, but I have lived upon hopes till I am almost starved. Trim. Why do you not chastise the Government for being such a negligent blind Government, as not to discern the pregnancy of your parts, the constancy of your Loyalty, and the great use and need they have of you? Obs. Is that (now) to do? sure thou dost not read, at least, not heed my Observations; have I not rendered the great ones therefore (this 2 or 3 months) a sort of hollow-friends to the Government, calling them Trimmers; ay dad, I have paid them Obs. n. 260. off, and have charged them with no less than the murder of the late King, the death of the Earl of Strafford, the Massacre in Ireland, nay, the only cause of all the blood and ruin in the three Kingdoms for above these forty years? I have mauled them E dad, and revenged myself upon them sufficiently, (I think,) inconsiderate men; they might have considered me sooner; E dad, I trounced them, for their moderating, and mitigating councils, Obs. n. 269. that ruin'd all, when nothing but bold, and hardy Execution, Execution can save us; and a firm, hardy, and unalterable determination. Trim. And for which you must endure my severer lash by and by; why? Obs. Jan. 10. n. 269. Thou more than Bedlamer! was ever moderation, mercy or mitigation, or Councils compounded of such Ingredients, guilty of so much blood and ruin? I thought it had been the bloody Irish, and Papists, that were the cause of the bloody Massacre in Ireland, and also the Instruments thereof. Obs. The Trimmers, E dad; I have said it; Trim. Yes, you have said it, and printed it too; Obs. n. 269. and if it had not been to undeceive you (for I suppose there is not a man in the world believes it, except your dear self, and perhaps not yourself neither) I had not vouchsafed to humble myself so much to censure, as to be seen in such company; but now, that my hand is in, i'll make you come on the publick-stage, (now that I have got you on to my own ground) as often as I list, (just as you have used me (these 2 months) and all Trimmers for my sake, slashing us in Public, in spite of our teeth, and under the name of Trimmers, have exposed men in Place and Power, to Coffee-house-chat, and laughter, most saucily (all the Kingdom over,) in revenge of their slighting you, and your sullied Petitions for Preferment; for which I will chastise you Nobs— before I have done; indeed, I must, I will; come, Hot-cockles! you must (now) lie down in your Turn. Obs. Hold, Sir, hold! E dad, I do not like you at first, you seem to have dogged, hard Vulcan's hand, this must not be suffered, nor will the Government suffer a man of my Loyalty to be smitten in earnest, upon pretence of Hot-cockles sport, or a Christmas-game: Trim. Why! Does the Government think themselves so much concerned in you, and for you, as not to suffer more true Loyalty, than any Tories heart or head was ever capable of to wipe off that blood & guilt, which (it has quietly suffered you (without check or rebuke) to throw upon all that has neglected, or discontented you, or that stands in your way, only because you are hungry, or angry. Obs. It is not the Government that can be an Enemy to Nobs— it knows it's own interest too well; neglect Nobs, and neglect its self. Trim. Who (then) has nangered thee? dear heart! Obs. The Trimmers, hollow friends to the Government, and hollow hearts that yet are got too near the head, 'tis these that I have so publicly chastised, and whipped them for their pains, on the publick-stage, 'tis these on whom I can never be sufficiently revenged; for they know if I were in play, they must sit out, and be bystanders; I am so loyal, and have been so faithful all along, and sincere, E dad, this plaindealing has undone me; 'tis cogging, lying, flattering Sycophants that carry it too often, Ay dad, I know where. Trim. Nay, you do not stick to tell us where, you know the place where you wooed the Usurper with your only Talon, that you knew he liked, your Fiddle. Obs. This is old, and should not be again ripped up: it has kept me under all along, and has been oft dung in my Teeth. Trim. Ay, and will be, when impudent men, (such as you Nobs,) will run away with all the great Loyalty and constancy, the Neighbourhood are up, and presently in pursuit, (as after a man that runs away with a great bundle under his clothes) apt to cry, stop Thief, thinking themselves robbed, and therefore will make bold to search him, and inquire whether he came honestly by it. CHAP. III. Obs. CAn any man deny my Loyalty, when I have told them so often (in Print) that I had like to have been hanged for being loyal, at Lynn Regis, in the late Wars. Trim. For being loyal say you? was it not for being an Observator? Obs. It was for being taken as a spy (or Observator) in the Parliaments Garrison. Trim. A spy (that comes under colour of a friend to betray) is always hanged up (by all sides, by the Law of Arms.) Men give fair quarter to a fair and open Enemy, but seldom or never spare an Observator, or (to use your own word) a Spy: But if you had swung for it, what cause would all mankind have had to bemoan the loss of such an harmonious Fiddler? As cruel Nero apprehended his death would therefore be lamented, whilst all mankind joyed in the deserved death of the bloody and treacherous Monster of Men, who took delight in nothing so much as in Execution, Execution, with a firm, hardy and unalterable determination. Obs. But I was a spy on the right side. Trim. We'll talk of that anon. In the interim, What kind of Preferment would you have? Obs. Any place of Honour, Command, Authority, and Profit, especially this last, for my Age requires Ease, and my merits ought to be paid: The State is much in my debt. Trim. I hope, your Arrears will all be paid to a farthing at last. Obs. In the interim, here I sigh, and here for bread I write, and E dad the wits do but jeer me for my pains; Obs. n. 265. nay, a considerable Lady (a She-trimmer) could say that I scribble for Bread, but E dad I paid her off, and hit her home, E dad, into the very belly of her, E dad, saying, have me recommended to her, we are so alike, for both of us (like other Monkeys) show tricks, and play tricks, and provide for the Belly; E dad, I think it was a good jest; and yet the Rogues say, I grow dull. Trim. Let such feel the acuteness of your wit, and make them smart for it, if they question the sharpness of your pen and stile. Obs. Ay, Ay, but my very acquaintance also begin to give it out that I am dull; now I am the furthest from it in the whole World, E dad, but only they think so, because I can say nothing. Trim. To the purpose. Obs. E dad, let a man write never so well, there are now a days a sort of persons they call Critics, that E dad have no more wit in them than so many Hobby-Horses; but they'll laugh you (Sir,) and find fault, and censure things that, E dad, I am sure they are not able to do themselves. A sort of envious persons, that emulate the glories of Persons of parts, and think to build their fame by calumniating of persons that, ay dad, to my knowledge of all persons in the world, are in Nature the persons that do as much despise all that as— Trim. Hold, hold! enough! I know this has been your language and almost your very words (these two months) against the persons that have despised and neglected you, and indeed you are but a Plagyary for your pains: They are the very words of Mr. Bays in the Rehearsal. Obs. I cannot tell that; they are my own sentiments, and natural; good wits may jump; but whether Bayes stole it from me, or I from him, what's this in excuse of the Hollow-Trimmers, that have neglected and despised my Loyalty and Constancy, so long (hitherto) unrewarded? Trim. You were made Overseer of the Press. Obs. Pish, what's to be got by that? Trim. A good job (you know) sometimes, Obs. Trimmer, No more of that, if thou lovest me. Trim. What is it (then) you would have me get for you? Obs. A place, a place, an Office! get me some place of Worship, and Authority, however Profit. Trim. For what cause? Obs. For my old Loyalty, and for my watchings and toils; daily and nightly watchings and wardings (together with Honest Nat: Irish Nat. Loyal Nat) how have we watched and warded ne Respublica detrimentum capiat, and all for nothing? Trim. Yes; you have already got a Prison, Poverty, or a Pillory for your pains. Obs. E dad, 'tis true: the world is an ungrateful world, a blind world, they neither discern Men of worth, nor pay them to their value. Trim. Yes, Nat. was paid off. Obs. Pish! now you jeer; he was indeed paid poor Nat. poor wretch, poor Tory, poor Irish-tory, poor Cur. Trim. That is the worst of Tories. Obs. No, your Irish Tory is the truest Tory. Trim. And the great Grandsire of Tories, and the Godfather of all true English Tories, and gave them their name; but how shall we know an Irish or English Tory from a Whig? Obs. A great many ways, for they are almost as contrary as Heaven and Hell, Light and Darkness. Your Whig never swears, or if he does, 'tis some dwindling Oath, (as) by my truly; whereas your true Tory-Boy le's fly no mouth Granado's, but such as fills the bore, dam, sink me, Hell and Damnation, God bless the King, he swears, and the Duke of York, and dam the whigs and the D. of M. still interchanging Huzza's and Curses till his drink make him quiet, (that is) asleep. Trim. What else? Obs. Your true Tory gets more by cursing, than the other by praying, yet both preferred, one to Command, the other to a Gaol. Trim. This is not for praying to God, but for praying to God without the good leave and licence of the Act of Uniformity. Obs. E dad, we'll uniform you all, and make you all alike, before we have done; give me bold and hardy Execution, and hang up the mitigating and moderating Councils, and all-heal, or compounding, mollifying Trimmers, Obs. n. 269. abating, supplicating, whining, deploring, desponding Trimmers. Trim. But how shall we know a Trimmer, a hollow-hearted Trimmer, that loves the Government but only from the teeth outwards? Obs. Trimmer thou shouldst not need to ask any such needless Questions; I have published lately the only true Rule, and infallible, the very test of true and constant Loyalty. Trim. I have forgot it, repeat it. Obs. Mark me Trimmer, wouldst thou see thine own Face in my Glass? then look you, Trimmer, see but that leering look of thine when thou lookest at me with such scorn and neglect: That's my Rule, despise the Observator, and you despise the Government; despise the true, loyal, and always constant Friends of the Government, and you are Trimmers in the heart of you, despise honest Hodge, and honest Nat. and E dad despise all the World; that has any worth in it, and Learning, and a Man good at any thing, at every thing. Trim. A very Kich-shaw of all Learning, the very Oleo Podrido of Arts, and yet no body minds thee, nor heeds thee. Obs. No, E dad, not to reward me, the Rogues will buy up my Observations, take Politick-notes, and Divinity-notes too out of them, E dad; Divine and Politic Observations to save the Kingdom and Souls also, and worth a million, and all this for a Penny, a whole sheet full of Loyalty for a Penny: too cheap in all Conscience, if it were not to friends, and that the safety of the Nation depends upon these fingers, and these Eagle-sighted- Eyes in a poor, old, and neglected Observator. Trim. A Nation too that must perish, and come to naught, if the Gout should cramp those as it has done your Toes. CHAP. IU. Obs. Then you would make us believe that it was not the old Trimmers mitigating, moderating Councils that ruin'd all; but quite contrary, rash, heady, and precipitate Councils for putting into bold and hardy Execution, the Ceremonies and inventions of some Churchmen that would make the Scots conform to them, or they woned venture, and run the hazard of having the old Women of Edinborough, and Boys throw stools and stones at them; and so the War first begun; that ended not so easily, and from that Church Hell (first) broke lose. Trim. I would not make you, nor any body else believe any thing, but what woeful experience will (however) in time teach you, that God is the King of Consciences, that to invade God's Jurisdiction is as unsafe as sinful; that Hair-brain'd-spitfires are the Nest of the Kingdom, and by their sanguinary, and precipitate Councils, in maintenance of their own little fopperies, let the King or Kingdom sink or swim, on they would, at all adventures, till they could go no further; and then they sung another tune, and so will you (Mr. Observator!) in time, when you have got your Belly full of Preferments, and also your heart full of Curses, anathemas, Fines, and Imprisonments, ruin and desolation, and of the tears of Widows and Orphans, which have a cry. Obs. And I must tell you (Trimmer!) if it had not been for such bold, and hardy Executions, as I have advised and observed, things had not been in so fair a way as they are. Trim. Prithee instruct me (then!) for I do not see such a fair way as things are in, (at least) nothing to bring on, least of all from your endeavours. Obs. Why? Are not the Conventicles rooted? fined, ransomed; and Prisons filled with the wretches? Trim. And that you call your fair way. Obs. I think things go towardly on, and are in a hopeful posture; ay dad, these moderating, mitigating Councils of Trimmers had like to have spoiled all again; Execution, Execution; I cry. Trim. Have you always cried so? Obs. Yes, ever since I understood the world, and the true seat of interest. Trim. Was that your cry at Lynn-Regis? Obs. Ay dad, I am glad you put me in mind of it again, for that piece of Loyalty I was condemned to be hanged by a Court marshal (as I have told the world in Print,) and yet, ay dad, here is the man that is (this day) unrewarded (as yet) for that service. Trim. Oh! you were condemned for being an Observator, taken as a spy, in the Enemy's Garrison. Obs. Who knows not that? Trim. And after Condemnation, you cried out, Execution, Execution, a bold, and hardy Execution. Obs. Ay dad, but (though I will not give you the lie) I say you tell a Whisker. Trim. Then Execution, Execution has not always been the Word. Obs. No, I confess there I was mistaken; but though I would have Sinners, and Transgressors of the Law Executed, I would not have men hanged up that are Innocent and Loyal. Trim. I do not say but you might perhaps be (on that occasion) both Innocent and Loyal, though a man may be Loyal, and yet not Innocent in some cases; as if a Loyal man happen to act against the Law of Nature, or Law of Arms, or Law of God, or his Oath in pursuance of Loyalty. Obs. There is no Promise, nor Oath, nor Faith to be kept with Heretics. Trim. So indeed the Council of Constance held, and so do the Jesuits now. But in all Wars, one side is always the wrong side, yet there is such a thing as a Law of Arms, and a Law of Honour, which both the right, and the wrong side hold Sacred, for fear (at least) the wrong side (as it happened in your case) get sometimes the longest Sword: and it has been thought no dishonour to take Quarter, no more then to give Quarter, when the long Sword (though the wrong Sword) keeps the Field. Obs. A dad, I do not like this giving of Quarter to an enemy. Trim. No, I see you attribute the Wars, and Blood shed to these mitigating, qualifying, compounding, and moderating Councils; it is giving of Quarter, clearly. Obs. Ay dad, I do, and I will (to my dying day) oppose mitigation, and moderation. Trim. You do not know that; for you may be against Execution, bold and hardy Execution, yet (once more) before you die. Obs. Never, never: since my Councils and Observations were the Charts we steered by, we have got the weather-gage, ay dad, and right afore it. Trim. Plume not yourself on that score; for nothing is so changeable as the wind. Obs. I tell thee, (Trimmer!) my steady Councils are firm as a Rock. Trim. So Dionysius said, that his Party was tied to him with Chains of Adamant; you do not know the world (so much as you boast of,) if you know not that its affections are more inconstant than those of Women, its glories fading as beauty, youth or strength; nothing constant but unconstancy on this side the Moon; not, that I do not pray against all change, nor will I meddle with them that are given to it; but that single instance at Lynn-Regis, may alone make you in love with moderating, and mitigating Councils, as long as you live. Obs. You could not honour me, nor my memory more than in that single instance, the only convincing Evidence of my Loyalty; ay dad, I 'scap't fair; I cannot but tremble to think on't yet. Trim. They were of the wrong side that condemned you indeed, but you were condemned by their Law of Arms; I do not say justly, but would think the contrary; yet Loyalty is one thing, and Treachery is another; does not all posterity commend the Roman General that sent bound a treacherous villain to Pyrrhus, (whom the wretch promised to slay) scorning to be revenged of his Enemy by foul play; or if he loved the Treason, he hated the Traitor? We must not do evil, that good may come thereof. Obs. Dare you say it is evil to ruin Rebels? Trim. Not by fair War; but Observators, or Spies (that come under colour of Friendship into an Enemy's Camp, have by all Nations been abhorred, as contrary to the Laws of Arms, and hanged up immediately. Obs. And for that cause you think my Loyalty is well enough rewarded, if it compound for the Treachery. Trim. I say, as all men say, I love valour in an Enemy, and I hate Treachery in a Friend; for he is not my Friend that consults not honour; nor can Loyalty be meritorious, if accompanied with baseness, and treachery; who (but a needy wretch) will be a Spy, or Observator? Obs. Ay dad, I shall admire my Sagacity the better as long as I live for this Trick; have I not prophesied right (all along) who it is that smote me? Ay dad, I see plainly (now) even to demonstration true it is, that the reason why I have not been preferred, and advanced according to my merits, is the whispers, and sly insinuations of such Trimmers suggestions, (as this is) which has put a spoke in my Ladder, ay dad, that has kept me down, from rising, thus long; a man of my sufficiencies, usefulness, and abilities. Trim. You may be mounted yet before you die. Obs. I do not know that; but I know what you mean; And I fear no Colours, I scap't narrowly once (though) ay dad; but my learning has been so beneficial to the Clergy, that ay dad, they are ingrateful that deny me the benefit of the Clergy, let the worst come to the worst. Trim. But you that have been so near the Gallows (already) for being a busy Observator, or Spy, should (by this time) have learn to be so wise for yourself, as not always to be spitting nothing but fire out of your mouth, breathing vengeance, and howling out, Execution, Execution. Obs. Ay dad, I do not know but it may be well enough yet; is Loyalty but a name and a word? Is there no such thing? Trim. Yes, sure there is such a thing, and one of the best things in the world, next to Obedience to Heaven; but, (my friend!) is legality but a word neither? Is Law, Justice, and mercy but mere words neither? Is there no such things (think you) in nature? Is all the world ruled with precipitate, hasty, Heady-Councils, hardy Execution, Passion, Violence, Force, and Revenge? You know that we (in England) are not so ruled, nor ever were (long) so ruled: your Predecessor (the Observator) Tacitus Tacit. in vita Julii Agricolae. (above 1600 years ago) observed that Britain bred men that would obey, and be good Subjects, but were vilely loath to be slaves; they would pay legal Taxes, but could not endure to be oppressed; Britannis dilectum ac Tributa & injuncta Imperii munera impigrè obeunt, si injuria absint; has aegrè tolerant, jam domiti ut pareant, nondum ut serviant: The Roman-valour had tamed them to Obedience, but could not enslave them for the hearts of them, do what they could. CHAP. V. Obs. AY dad, but some of your Friends (in New-England) were glad to fly for it, as some do now, to the Savage Indians, and the Torrid Zone. Trim. As the more temperate, and hospitable clime of the two, when Pillories, and anathemas, and Fines, and jails, and the High-Commission-Court made old England too hot for them; and this is your Council now. Obs. Yes. Trim. But what were the events of these Councils in those days? Obs. Ay dad, good lusty fines, etc. and almost beggared the Rogues. Trim. And enriched the King and Kingdom? Obs. No, I cannot say that; it was thought the contrary, and to make such a damp of Trade, and the King's Customs so extenuated, and the People generally so discontented, that the Parliament Mens-Pockets (that should have filled the King's empty Exchequer, and paid his vast debts) were filled rather with grievances, grievances, the loud groans of the People, and cries and lamentations all the Kingdom over. But I am the man that has (now) discovered another way to the wood; would it not be brave to have all Parliament-Men chosen by the King and Court? Trim. No, It would be so far from brave, that it would quite unhinge the Government, and lift it up from its old fundamentals, and foundation, and by seeming to advance it higher, shake it, and endanger it, and ruin that, which has been a happy shelter to the Kings, and Subjects of England, more than any other Kingdom under Heaven. Obs. There spoke a Trimmer, and yet you love the King, you pretend. Trim. Let him perish that loves him not better than thou dost. Obs. What, better than a Tried man that never warped, etc. Trim. Never (but once) when all the Kingdom warped. Obs. Well; no more of that, I know what you mean, but enough, enough of it. Trim. Be it so; nor had your fawning Sycophantry, and complacence to any thing that is uppermost (now) been lain in your dish, but that you (and such as you) whose guilt and sins makes you tremble to think of a Parliament, an English-Parliament, chosen by the People (not by the Court) makes some seem to think of altering the ancient Law, and rights of the three Estates of this Realm, the very attempt whereof has always been accounted Treason, but over Boots, over Shoes; He that knows he must be hanged, cares not which way he mounts the Ladder: if Corporations shall have no Officers, nor any to Elect Parliament-men, or to make returns, when they are Elected, but only whom the Court shall approve, nominate, or at least confirm; then the third estate, and great estate of this Realm, in the Money business especially, shall not (nay) cannot be called longer the House of Commons, but House of Courtiers. Obs. E dad, Trimmer, you are a perilous Trimmer I see, and would hinder the Loyalty of Corporations from surrendering their old Charters for new ones, and better, with only this addition, they shall hold their Freedoms and Liberties, quamdiu se benè gesserint, as long as they are good Boys, and choose none but whom the Court does approve. Trim. We have a good and gracious King God grant he may overlive all the Men (now) in England, and from the Policy and bounty of Kings, and time out of mind of man to the contrary, Liberties and Freedoms have been granted to Corporations, and particularly that of choosing Burgesses in Burroughs, so that no History can trace its original and beginning more than the head of Nile; and all English-mens rights are so confirmed by Magna Charta, and many other Statutes, that it has always been accounted Treason to endeavour the alteration of the fundamental Laws; and no doubt but Justice will in time find men out, if they endeavour it, lurk where they will, unbiased Projectors are they that would pull down Foundations, and Corner-stones, in hopes to save their own heads, when it is the nearest way, and shortest way (they could take) to Tyburn, if they should run for a Wager. Obs. Why? Who endeavours to take away Foundations? Trim. All they that (by any means whatsoever) endeavour to make the House of Commons the House of Courtiers. Why does his sacred Majesty (of blessed memory) so commend the constitution of our well-poised Government, above all the nations of the world? saying, That to prevent Anarchy we have a King and House of Lords, to poise and balance the House of Commons; to prevent Arbitrary Power and Tyranny, we have a House of Lords and House of Commons; and to prevent the worst of Tyrannies (Aristocracy) we have a King and House of Commons: which if turned to a House of Courtiers, where's the poise, where's the Balance? Obs. But we have a just and gracious King, that will wrong no man. Trim. And long may he live and reign; but the King cannot see with his own Eyes every where, but the Law is omniscient and omnipresent in England, or should be so, to decide all Causes, and shelter good Subjects and punish the bad. Obs. Why? Can any man be a bad Subject that is for the King, or a good Subject that is against him? Trim. No; It is impossible that a good man can be against the King, or a Rebel; and also impossible that a bad man can be for the King. Obs. Why, Are not all these Debauchees, Whoremasters, Cursers, Drunkards, Swearers, and Blasphemers, whom we call true Tory-Boys, are not they, I say, for the King? Trim. No, no; they are the worst Enemies that the Crown of England can possibly have, not only by being open Enemies to God, and consequently pulling down his Wrath, Judgements, and Indignation upon the Kingdom, (no small piece of Treachery) but to gratify their Lusts and Revenge, are always with their hasty, heady, rash, precipitate and sanguinary Councils, disobliging Mankind, as well as God, Humanity as well as Divinity, with their firm, hardy, and unalterable Determination of Execution, Execution. Obs. Oh! Your humble Servant, Trimmer, you are not for putting the Laws in Execution against Nonconformists to Uniformity, the Act for Uniformity. Trim. No; not except it be put in Execution against Tory-Nonconformists, equally, impartially, indifferently and as severely as against Whigg-Nonconformists. Obs. E dad, it is all one to me; for I am for the Church of England, Obs. n. 271. Jan. 13.83. and am not a Papist of the Church of Rome, nor do I side with that Religion, or so much as meddle with it. Trim. We'll do with you herein as with great Travellers, when they tell things scarcely credible, better believe it than go to see; it is not worth the Privy-search; though of the two, it would be for your honour rather to be of the worst Religion, than of none at all; and rather ridicule all sober sense, and the fundamental Laws, Obs. n. 265. Decemb. 30. 1682. as a well-meaning Papist and Zealot, than (if as a base Hireling) only to provide for your Belly, as you confess. Obs. E dad, I am for Uniformity. Trim. I do not concern myself, nor does any wise or sober man concern himself, who or what thou art for, further than to be glad thou art not for his side; for such as you only discredit the cause you would promote, be it never so good. Obs. I am not for the good old Cause, every body knows that. Trim. All the better, or rather, more is the pity. Obs. Why so? Trim. Because thou wouldst then be a Promoter. Obs. I hate, and scorn the Office, so inconsistent with a Gentleman, and a Man of Honour. Trim. I say, thou art a Promoter. Obs. Bear witness, I wish I had honest Nat. here, or some of his Countrymen to bear witness. Trim. Call whom thou wilt, I say again, thou art a Promoter. Obs. Of what? You mean Roguishly; do you mean I am a Promoter of close assignations, to bring things and things together, (Anglicè) a Pimp? But, E dad, a Pimp is ten times a better Trade, and a safer Trade, as well as an honester Trade (you think) than a Spy or Observator; no man is hanged for pimping, but preferred many times (the right way,) and advanced; whereas (commonly) the Gallows takes the last view of a Spy or Observator. A Promoter? I scorn it. Trim. I say again, Thou art a Promoter. Obs. Of what? Trim. Of the good Old Cause. Obs. I gave thee the Lie just now, after another great example in Print; and E dad again, God forgive me, I was just going to swear you lie. Trim. By my truly, you could not promote the good Old cause more (if you would hang yourself, than by appearing against it, though the favour merits no thanks from the Non-con's, nor blame from the Con's, because you meant it not. Do men gather Grapes of Thorns? Nor can they expect any good from an old weatherbeaten Weathercock, an old any thing, an old every thing but what is virtuous, an old goatish, and therefore goutish, Observator? That (as you say) Dec. 30. 1682. Obs. n. 265. ‛ Because the Observator has got the Pox in his Bones, therefore the Devil is in the Trimmers, (or the good old Cause, you might have added,) why, thou canst not live without teasing something or other: And every Twinge in your Toe breeds a Maggot in your Head: 'Tis the very humour of the damned to revenge the fire in their own Tails, upon any thing that's next them. Obs. Those are my own words, I taught you satire. Trim. I durst not otherwise, Nay I would not however otherwise have made so bold, as to judge and censure what might be the cause of your Gout, for I do not think the Poet a true Prophet when he said, As Gout in Age from Pox in Youth proceeds, As Wenching past, than jealousy succeeds: The worst Disease that Love and Wenching breeds. CHAP. VI Obs. Well, then come on Trimmer, since you are so bold as, of your own metal and accord, thus to come into the Ring, and into the Lists with me, why dost thou not answer my Challenge? Trim. You have made so many Challenges, and sent them to the Trimmers publicly, weekly, and sometimes daily, throwing down your Gage in every Coffeehouse, that I know not which of them I should first take up. Obs. I mean, then, my last bold Challenge to thee, sent out, Jan. 13. 1682. Obs. n. 271. Answer me before we part; What's become of all the Actions against the late Lord Mayor, for usurping upon the Rights of the City? And how goes it with the new Sheriffs? Did those of the last year quietly give up possession? Did the Prisoners refuse to plead or no? How were things carried upon the Scrutiny? What became of Kid's Action against Capt. Broomer, and the Jesuited Janissaries that beat up the Conventicle in Exchange-Alley? And how came Coll. Quiney's business off? Trim. Would you have distinct Answers to each? Obs. No, that's needless, answer them by lump, for they are all of a lump, and therefore I have bound them up together— Trim. And in gross, gross enough. Obs. But what hast thou to say to them Trimmer, or what darest thou say to them? Trim. This is your way, first to challenge a man, but then (to make all sure) tie up his hands; shall I have equal Liberty, and fair play? Obs. God forbid else; Justice and Honour pleads for you, that you should have as much liberty to answer my Questions, as I to propound them. Trim. Then you will not first challenge me to a dispute, and to make all sure of your side, gag me. Obs. I scorn it, I am more a Gentleman, and a Scholar. Trim. Still for all this, I am a little jealous of thee, and fearful, For thou hast got the weather-gage, and therefore you insult so, huff, challenge, and vapour, knowing whoever encounters thee to Lee-ward, his own Powder and smoke flashes in his face. Obs. I'll wave the odds, come on boldly. Trim. It is not in your Power to stem the Tide, nor change the Wind, nor to make it blow indifferent, and with a side-wind, equal to both sides, and therefore I'll only say, what an awfe art thou to put the question? How came the late Lord Mayor, the new Sheriffs, the Scrutiny, Broomer, the Jesuitical Janissaries, and Quiney, how came they off? sayest thou, most insultingly; when it is well known that their great Cause never yet came on, never hitherto has been under legal consideration, much less legal determination, and sentence: what rewards or punishments they merit, concerns not a busy Observator; and for my part, I am bred to more modesty, than to meddle with so matchless and stupenduous a matter that no English History can parallel it in times of Peace. Prithee therefore let us leave it and them, to legal Trial, and the Decision of the Laws. And since you are so bold to ask questions, give me leave to ask thee some. Obs. With all my heart, it is but just and equal. Trim. Then what deserve they that by confederacy commit a Rape upon a Virgin, a Sacred Virgin, a Vestal? Obs. An Halter; every Mother's Son of them, there's a wise question, who knows not that? 'Tis like the wit of a Trimmer. Trim. What deserve they that commit a rape, or attempt to commit a Rape upon a Widow? Obs. Oh! ho! I begin to understumble you, E dad, I will not tell you. Trim. Neither tell I thee what they deserve that commit a Rape upon the Sacred Laws, that Ravish men's rights, and civil liberties with the Sword, and offer violence to the Law. Obs. Why? Who did? If I knew of any such Monsters, I would say, hanging is too good for them; for, as the Romans (who had made no Provision in Law against Parricide) were at a loss for an equal punishment, when a Villain (once) killed his Father, the Author of his own life and being, persuading themselves that the world could never droduce a Monster of such a Ghastly, and unnatural size, such a Prodigy, and By-blow in nature; even so, to violate the Sacred Laws with force, and a long Sword in time of Peace, without declaring Hostility against the Laws, from whom we have our life, our beings, our well-beings, liberties, protection, estates and birthrights continued and derived to us, is so prodigious a Crime, that no punishment in this world can possibly equal it; that a few men should by force (which yet is most easy in quiet times) cut the banks and boundaries of Laws and Societies, is more prodigious from its cause and effects, then from the Act itself; any Boy, any Erostratus may burn the Sacred Temple, (as he did that of Diana) a goodly fabric, as any in the world, the wonder is (first) in the cause, (that ever so much villainy should enter into mortal breast, and upon what temptation,) and (secondly) that so weak, and contemptible a Creature could produce such dismal effects; but what Erostratus' do you mean? How do you apply this discourse? Trim. It needs no application, for I am only speaking of punishments due to those that commit a Rape upon Widows, or the Sacred Laws. Obs. Why? Who did? Trim. Who says who? Does your Conscience, or any man's Conscience accuse him? Obs. Not in the least. Trim. Then sit you merry. Obs. You cannot mean it of me, or Quiney, etc. Trim. Why should you or any man else that is innocent ask such a frivolous question? If I say, he that commits a Rape, deserves to be hanged, will you be offended? Obs. No; I am not concerned. Trim. Then how impertinent art thou to say, do you mean me, or Quiney? Especially since (quite contrary) instead of punishment for any Crime, the late Lord Mayor, new Sheriffs, Broomer, Jesuited Janissaries (none but a friend durst have called them so, Jesuited Janissaries?) and Quiney have had thanks for their pains. Obs. By some that were as deep in the dirt as they in the mire; you would say. Trim. What? You do lie upon the catch, do you? If you do; all the Company can testify, that I never said that any body else gave them thanks, or that they (that did give them thanks) had not cause to do so. For, (even) Asses know when they are overloaded unconscionably, and more than they are able to bear, and therefore beat them, till your hearts ache, and your Cudgels break, they'll not stir a foot, when overburthen'd out of all reason, and measure. Obs. I tell thee Trimmer, since you seem shy, and wary, chary, and fearful to discourse of that great business of the late Lord Mayor, new Sheriffs, Jesuited Janissaries,— and Quiney; yet it was a business (than which) nothing is more discoursed of (mutteringly) at this day; and, (indeed) which more sticks on some men's stomaches! Indeed it was a great business, but E dad, it was necessary, there was no other way to bring things to so fair a pass as now they are; it was the very hinge of affairs, when things stood tottering in equal Balance, and whether for a Penny, than came Quiney with his Hand and Sword (which weighed just a pound) and turned the Scales. Trim. It was boldly done. Obs. E dad it was, and most courageously, the slaves never durst mutter since, nor scarce say muff; and have we not carried it ever since in Courts, in Sheriffs, in Juries, in every thing, ay and in Execution, Execution. Trim. And so you win, because you bowl alone. Obs. E dad, we carry the Goal, We got the Ball, took it, and run shear away with it. Trim. Nay, you have lost your old wont else (Tory;) for ever since I first knew you, all the world can witness that you were as good (or better) at your Heels than your Hands: But away with your provocations to this discourse, I am sick on't; Therefore, to put you out of it, prithee tell me, how does thy Feet, Heels, and Toes? Obs. Ay dad, like myself, worse and worse this cold weather and hard times. But away with this discourse, I like it not. Trim. It is of your own raising, I will make no occasions, it is you that first mentioned Quincy's business. Obs. E dad, That business has done some people's business for evermore. Trim. And a day longer. Obs. It was an Heroic Act: Alexander cut the sacred Gordian-knot with his Sword, which none but sacred Hands did tie, nor could unloose. Trim. Quincy's Act was a matchless Act, no story can parallel it; for Alexander did it in time of War. Obs. Time of War, or time of Peace: Tell not me; it was a necessary business, necessary to the City's Peace, and Kingdoms Peace, and to prevent Riots and Tumults, by way of prevention, E dad, and preoccupation. Trim. Do you think that the best way to prevent tumults in Westminster-Hall is to fill it with Soldiers, and awe the Judges, and do them violence? Obs. I do not know what to say to that. Trim. Rash men in a storm leap into the Sea for fear of drowning, notable policy! Thus Gond●m●r (the Spanish Ambassador) most politically would have persuaded King James to cut off Sir Walter Raleighs Head, (a Head that would have become the best Shoulders in Spain) by way of Prevention and timely foresight, before he went to Guiana, proving the justice of the Policy from a story of a Woman, that whipped her Daughter beforehand, lest she should break the Pitcher. Oh rich! Do but you hang up the first man you meet, for fear he should steal your Horse, by way of prevention, and I'll secure you he shall never steal him. It is the very policy of Herod, who was so circumspectly provident, that he killed all the male Children of Bethlehem to secure himself from a King of Gods making. Obs. Trimmer, Trimmer, Necessity has no Law. Trim. Nobs, Nobs, This was the old Plea for Ship-Money, and other illegal Taxes and Oppressions, afterwards condemned by King Charles the First, and his Parliament; because (quoth some) the Crown could not want them, it was so poor and necessitous; which aggravated their Crimes, that by their buzzing at Court kept off Parliaments Twelve long years, thereby keeping up a misunderstanding and bad Intelligence, for want of that due and usual Correspondence betwixt the King and his People in the old fundamental way of Parliaments, whereby the Exchequer was brought into str●●n and necessities, borrowing (I have cause to say) what was never paid to this day. And to expiate such Crimes, they brought Mr. Necessity (a Son of their own begetting, and the spurious Issue of their Lusts) to vouch them; and what was the Issue? Did it not at length aggravate their punishments as well as their Crimes, if you mark the end on't? Obs. That was in the late Intestine Wars: Those days are done. Trim. And I trust in God they will never return; and that they may never return, the surest way (as well as the best way) is to get out of the dirty and fatal Road (as fast as may be) which leads to such dismal Ends and Ruins, abstaining from all violation of the sacred Laws, and illegal Rapes, which (like that of the chaste Lucrece) occasioned the Civil-Wars at Rome, to the Ruin of the Kingdom. He that uses a Sword in a Court of Justice, must throw away the Scabbard; for Hell breaks loose (many times) like the Sea (when the banks are cut,) (an easy matter to perform in times of quiet by a few hands;) the boundaries which the Laws have set are easily violated, but then, all Hands together are scarce able to stop the Breach, and prevent an universal Deluge. Obs. But what's all this to my Question, how Quiney and the rest came off? Trim. I told thee before I would not meddle with them, and therefore I have nothing at all to say to them, but what you said to Madam Trimmer, Have me recommended to them, and tell them we all Provide for the Belly. Obs. I (amongst others) am greedy enough of the Bait, but (you advise me to) have a care of the hook. Trim. He that's undone is out of Fortune's Power; They that lie low as Earth can fall no lower. Obs. There is no Remedy: The word is gone out from me: Ipse dixi: (〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉) The Sentence is past. There is no other way left but EXECUTION, EXECUTION, WITH A FIRM, HARDY, AND UNALTERABLE DETERMINATION. Trim. And lest so portentous a sentence Obs. n. 269. should escape admiration, you print it in great (you should not need) Capital Letters: Let it be writ upon your Tomb. For as you live in the ready Road from Newgate to Tyburn, so also if your Tomb happen to be within a mile of the Gallows, no Epitaph can be more proper for you, nor more immortallize your name to Posterity, than EXECUTION, EXECUTION, WITH A FIRM, HARDY, AND UNALTERABLE DETERMINATION. It is the very Quintessence of Devilry; for no Mortal in his own confidence, could have said it; he must be more than man that could be so far divested of all Humanity; or was the Devil in you? If you had lived 1600 years ago, what a happy Tutor might you have been (Mr. Nobs,) to the Roman Government, as well as now to ours! what an Observator has Nero and Caligula lost (dull Truants in Execution,) they might have gone to School to thee, Nobs: For they also scorned all moderation, mitigation, qualifications, abatements, promises, undertake, importunings, relent, repentings, supplications, prayers or tears, whinings and deploring, scorning also all diminutive and Retail-Executions, and lest their humanity should have time to wamble in their bowels, wishing that Rome had but one common Neck, that one blow might dispatch the Execution, Execution, with a firm, hardy, and unalterable determination. If Lions, Bears, Vultures, Serpents, Dogs, Towzers, Foxes, Cats, Tigers, Asses, Bulls or Wolves, had never been seen on earth, yet that there are such Beasts might easily be gathered from their brutish natures so visible and apparent in beastly men, roaring, rending, tearing, hissing, biting barking, snapping, clawing, devouring, braying, bellowing, and howling in brutish men, their counter part: And if we had no other Arguments that there are Devils, yet are their natures (even to demonstration) evident, their Devilry being so visible in devilish men, their true counterfeit and Charter-part. Which made Cicero (though a Heathen) say to a prodigious Wretch, a very monster of a man, for mischief and Execution, with a firm, hardy, and unalterable determination, — Multa quidem ipse, Multa sed & daemon tibi suggerit. Some Crimes come from some Daemon, or some Elf, Some from no other Devil than thyself. Much of thy wickedness comes from thine own villainous heart (saith Cicero) but much also the Devil taught thee; Execution, Execution (quoth he) with a firm, hardy, and unalterable determination. This Wisdom comes not from above, but is earthy, sensual, devilish; a few more such Phaeton's, such Erostratusses, such Spitfires are enough to anticipate Doomsday, by setting the world on fire, and to ruin themselves too in the common Flame. FINIS.