THE Wary Widow: OR, Sir Noisy Parrot. A COMEDY.  
As it is Acted at the THEATRE ROYAL.  
By their MAJESTY'S Servants.  
Written by Henry Higden Esq.  
Lectori Credere mallem  
Quam Spectatoris fastidia ferre Superbi.  
LONDON, Printed for Abel Roper, at the Mitre near Temple-Bar; and Tho. Rainy, Bookseller in Doncaster. M.DC.XCIII.   

Dramatis Personae.  

SIr Worldly Fox. An Oliverian Colonel, a cunning griping Sharper: a Widower, but privately keeps a Mistress.  
Frank Fox. His Son, a noble generous Person, who unknowingly has for some time conversed with his Father's Mistress under a false Name.  
Sir Noisy Parrot. A prating whimsical Fool a great admirer of the Town.  
Two Sparks of the Town, returned from 

Land. Jack Scaredevil a Bravo.  
Sea. Tom Fulham a Gamester.    
Plot. A Servant to Sir Worldly, but privately a Friend to Frank; with whom he holds intelligence and is bound with him for his Debts.  
Friendly. An honest honourable Gentleman, a Friend and Relation to Frank, and in love with Clarinda.   

WOMEN.  
Lady Wary. A Young rich discrete Widow, and Sister to Friendly, bred up with Clarinda.  
Clarinda. Daughter to Sir Worldly Fox.  
Leonora. A Mistress kept by Sir Worldly, having for some time had an Intrigue with Frank under a false Name.  
Her Aunt. Who brought up Leonora, and for Avarice exposed her to Sir Worldly; yet forced by Leonora to conceal her Intrigue with Franck.  
Lady Wary's Maid. Clarinda's Maid, and Nurse.  
A Woman Servant to Sir Wordly.   
A Lieutenant, Seamen, their Wives, Fiddlers etc.   

To the right Honourable the Earl of Dorset and Middlesex, Lord Chamberlain of their Majesty's Household, and Knight of the most Honourable Order of the Garter.  
My LORD,  
WHen I had the Honour to present this COMEDY to your Lordship's perusal I designed it as an acknowledgement, or rather as my first Fruits in the Dramatic way for the many Favours your Lordship had conferred upon me. But now it is forced to beg your Protection from the malice and severe usage it received from some of my Ill natured Friends, who with a Justice peculiar to themselves, passed sentence upon it unseen or heard and at the representation made it their business to persecute it with a barbarous variety of Noise and Tumult, that many of the well meaning Spectators (for I am sure it had very few Hearers) must conclude it a very Criminal performance. As I should never have been vain enough to have valued myself upon the opinion of such weak Judges, so I am not much mortified at my falling under their Indignation. But tho' I can easily forgive such an ungenerous way of proceedure in relation to myself, who never expected to subsist by the Stage; Yet it is a precedent of dangerous consequence, and may happen to fall very severely upon those Gentlemen whose ill fortune or Genius shall lead them to attempt this sort of writing. An unrighteous Faction may be formed against the Jastest, and most regular Composition; and no man is safe if these Gentlemen (whom we must allow good Critics in dressing) shall assume to vent their ill grounded Fury, and spit their venom upon every Author that endeavours to divert them. At the same time 'tis my comfort that better Plays have met with the like fate from unthinking imcompetent Judges: And without vanity several of a meaner Character have found a reception they never merited.  
'Tis this Reflection has somewhat relieved me under the late miscarryage of my Play and is a sensible satisfaction to me that your Lordship (who is acknowledged by all Parties for the most correct and Judicious writer, the truest Judge, and the most disinterested Partron; to be the delight, the ornament, and support of our Age) has been pleased to peruse and approve it. Your single Suffrage weighs more with me, and the thinking part of mankind, than the repeated acclamations of a numerous assembly.  
My LORD, Should I vainly presume to describe every inherent and particular Grace, that shines in the constellation of your Lordship's Virtue: or enumerate those rare qualifications that have rendered your Lordship so universally Esteemed, beloved and admired, both at home and abroad; I should lose myself in the Rapture and Contemplation. But your Lordship has already received incense from happier hands but from none that has a profounder honour for your Lordship, than  
My LORD, Your Lordship's most humble most Obedient and most Faithful Servant. Henry Higden.   

THE PREFACE.  
THis Play had the misfortune to come very unluckily on the Stage, where it found very few Friends: Their prejudice had decreed it should suffer under their Indignation, and before it was off the Stocks, had predestined it to Damnation. Their kindness being greater for the preceding Play, resolved they would see no sin in their Favourite Jacob, but expose their unfortunate Esau to Reprobation, without the least hopes of a Blessing. The Theatre was by Faction transformed into a Bear-Garden, hissing, mimicking, ridiculing, and Cat-calling; the Actors could not support themselves against so strong a Currant. And if any came with a design to be diverted, they were distracted with the variety of Noises, and continual uproars; they could neither hear, nor Judge of the matter: Had any of the Ancient Romans revived to have been witness to this Interlude, this medley of Noises; they would certainly conclude the Moon was labouring under some dismal Eclipse, and the Pagans of the Pit were endeavouring to recover her out of her Trance with this horrid din. The distracted Players were stunned with their clamours, and though they had often stood the shock of Thunder and Lightning on the Stage, yet now they found themselves confounded in this real Tempest: They fancied the Scene had been Translated into Sicily and the Earth had gaped to swallow these Grumbletonians, like the murmuring Israelites of old. Some dark Sons of uncertain Fathers, infinitely diverted themselves with their melodious Cat-calls, these Sons of Zerviah vanquished the Stage, backed with the untuneable brayings of Balaams' Ass that joined in this dismal consort: In this distraction we may safely conclude the Audience were wholly strangers to the Plot and conduct of the Play. And therefore it will be reasonable they should now read for their money what in the Action they could neither Hear nor Understand.  
I am not Ignorant a just Cause may suffer under the prejudice of an Ignoramus Jury, or an unjust Judge may stop his Ears against the voice of the Charmer, and harden his heart to the severest Judgement; or that an incensed Mob may be wrought up to break through all Laws, and commit the highest outrages, and Barbarities. But after the fury of their military Execution is over they may relent of their rigour, and have some reserve of compassion for the unfortunate Martyr, that suffered their indignities with all constancy and Patience. Had our unlucky Author been worthy to have known they were absolutely bent to damn his Play, unsight unseen, his caution would have withdrawn him from the Thunder of their displeasure. But now we are convinced by the surprising success of the Bawdy Bachelor, that the nicest Ladies may be brought (by good mannagment) to stand the fire of a smutty Jest, and never flintch for the matter. They are the sensible Judges that family duties can not proceed without the creature comfort: Nor Nature be well instructed without the help of a feskue. These Chameleon Ladies cannot like the Spanish Jennets conceive by the air, or grow big with such a Timpany.  
Tanquam conjugibus suis Mariti,  
Non possunt sine Mentula placere.  
What Sot can think to please a Beauty,  
That wants wherewith to do his duty.  
But I must beg the Ladies pardon that I introduce a Foreign Tongue, that can make use of their Mothers to a better advantage, but in a Preface it is necessary to sprinkle a little Latin, to show our Breeding. The Authors are now convinced the Bachelor has touched upon the true string, to please and tickle: They are now grown more generous then to deny their sentiments and Inclinations, and scorn any such bashful pretence, but openly avow and countenance that Poet, that seasons his Scenes with salt and good humour, to please the hant-gousts of their fancies: and make their Ears glow with licentious Farce, which they are resolved to stand by and justify: What though the Plots are old, and stale, they are so prettily jumbled and blended together they can never fail of being well received. Tho some nicer Ladies are of an opinion, that an impure Idea, that is obscene in the first conception (though never so cleanly wrapped up) can no way be made passable: But these are squeamish palates that strain at a gnat in public, and after make no bones of a Camel on occasion. What does it import if Parson Spintext have a wicked design on the Alderman's wife? What harm was it if his agreeable Impudence revenged the City cheats upon the Alderman's head, and exalted his horns above the rest of his Brethren? There cannot be a taking Play without some Limberham or fumbling Alderman, or keeper to expose▪ let the fair Gilt engage her Gallant like a Spider in her own cobweb, before her poor Nickapoops face, unbar the sluices, that her kindness may run down in a mighty stream; let the lightning of Courtship melt his Daughter's maidenhead in the scaboard, or chopping of that Hidra's Head of barren Virginity, let twins sprout up in their stead and let the Family of love be propigated quite through the City.  
But hold, it is not reasonable for me to ramble into these pleasant forbidden paths, but say something besuteing this poor Brat I must now turn a drift into the World in melancholy weeds.  
Vade sed incultus qualem decet exulis esse,  
Infelix habitum temporis hujus habe.  
Go on adorned thou cursed abandoned Play,  
Let luckier Authors, court a happier day.  
I may well say Vnadorned, for there was nothing done for the advantage or decoration of this Play: not a farthing expended. When I had given them leave to Act it, I was told it was theirs, and they would Cook it according to their own humour. Some of the Politic would be of the Coffee-house had given it an ill Name and Character and were glad to see it succeed accordingly. The Songs designed were never set by omission or combination: The Master of the Revels had expunged what he pleased, lest forsooth it should prove Bawdy or give offence, thereby making the sense imperfect, which the Actors would not let me mend or supply; though now I submit it, to your Judgement as I first designed it. The Actors cut out what they pleased to shorten their parts according to their own humours, and I must stand by and see it mutilated and dismembered before my Face: When it appeared on the Stage, it was but an imperfect Rehearsal, for some could never repeat their parts, and therefore impossible they could Act them: Some were perfect and could have done it right, if others had been able to have played their parts up to them. I shall conclude with the words of martial.  
Quem recitas meus est Fidentine libellus  
Sed male cum recitas incipit esse tuus.  
What you rehearse I writ to please the Town,  
But while yond Act it Ill; 'tis all your own.   

To the Author of Sir Noisy Parrot: Or, the Wary Widow.  
WHy didst thou write in such a tasteless Age,  
When Boys and Coxcombs influence the Stage?  
With Kindred Farce they're linkd in a strict' tie,  
And against Wit unite their noisy Cry.  
Thy Reputation the vile Herd alarmed,  
And Whores and Sots against thy Play soon armed.  
Some knew their Guilt, and therefore feared thy Wit.  
And one Fool touched engages the whole Pit.  
Confederate Fops in loud Conjunction sit  
With Bully, Pimp, grave Bawd, and angry Miss  
And all as for one common Interest Hiss.  
Strong painted satire could expect no less.  
You must write duller, if you'd have success:  
Lay Physic by, and humour the disease,  
For dry insipid Farce will only please.  
Caryl Worsly Esq.   

Henrico Higden Suo.  
QVòd inquietâ voce, risu, Sibilis  
Salésque comptos, & innoxios jocos  
Superba Bruti turba sic exceperit:  
Quòd purpuratus Infans, & vecors Eques,  
Summóque Meretrix in subsellio sedens,  
Totúsque Delicatulorum Circulus  
In te, tuumque conjuraverint Opus:  
Nolito questus irritos effundere,  
Damnare Musas, increpare Apollinem,  
Tanquam Poetae inserviant parùm súo.  
Quin Drama tandem luce donans publicâ  
Invisis orbem? Quin timoris tuscius  
Vanas Maligniorum despicis minas?  
Abundè damnum sic resarcies prius,  
Famaeque consumes. Lector dabit libens,  
Quod improbus Spectator abnegaverat.  
Tho. Brown.   

To his Friend Mr. Higden. Upon the uncertainty of success in the DRAMA.  
LEt Men of Sense give o'er th' uncertain game  
Where Wits with Fools at hazard play for fame,  
Upon the Square you may throw out a Nick,  
Therefore wise Gamesters have recourse to trick;  
And by cabal Squires, Ladies, Beaus, and Bullies,  
Are jointly managed and drawn in for Cullies.  
The worst of Cullies, others loose their pence,  
But these are chowsed even of their Common Sense.  
What Scribbling Slave for such an Age would drudge?  
Who would write well when most so lewdly judge?  
The Sovereign Mob decides the cause of wit;  
For mob includes the universal Pit.  
Yet he who writes with Spirit must contemn  
Those Magistrates who by chance votes condemn:  
As in some Foreign, little, wretched State,  
The Burgher's Tyrants are, and Laws create;  
At precise times leave Cheating in their Shops,  
And on the Bench turn legislative Fops;  
So Sots at home bubled by Friends and Spouses,  
Abroad are Sovereign Judges of both houses:  
And an assembly which consists of Fools,  
Without control in Wits Dominions rules.  
But as when Beasts by Brutal lust are Joined,  
They but arrive to propagate their kind,  
So let ten Thousand fools to voting fall,  
Folly will still be the result of all.  
J. D.   

To Mr. Higden.  
NO longer your expected Play conceal,  
But to a more impartial Court appeal.  
The righteous Few, true to the Cause of Wit,  
Will soon reverse the Sentence of the Pit.  
Why should their Censure men of Sense alarm?  
Those Sons of Muggleton can do no harm.  
E'en let the Foplings save their nauseous breath,  
For they have neither power of life, nor Death;  
The wit, which oft their feeble malice dooms,  
Outlives its Judges, nay outlasts their tombs.  
Once 'twas my chance to visit a sick Friend,  
Whom dire foreboding Omens did attend,  
His Doctor tells him, Sir your hour is nigh,  
Send for the Parson and prepare to die,  
In vain the help of Physic you implore,  
Art has been tried, but art can do no more.  
At this the angry Patient raised his head,  
And Doctor do you then conclude me dead?  
Peace you grave Sot: elsewhere your Cant bestow,  
I'll bury half the College ere I go,  
And spite of that learned Phyz, and reverend beard,  
Will live to see your Rascalship interred.  
Thus he ran on, and as his Stars decreed,  
Wae soon from his unkind distemper freed,  
Left his vain gaping kindred in the lurch,  
And saw the Velvet Fop born decently to Church.  
Tho. Browen   

On Mr. Higdens' Comedy  
BY senseless, Faction, and a noisy Pit,  
Our honest Poet's damned for want of wit,  
Not in himself he has enough I swear  
But suffers for it in his Auditor.  
Else why should he, were that defect his Crime,  
Fare worse than all his Brethren of the time?  
From Spawn of Wills those wits of future Tense,  
He now appeals to men of riper sense:  
And hopes to find some shelter from the wrath  
Of furious Critics of implicit Faith.  
Whose judgements always ebh, but zeal flows high,  
Who for there truth upon the Church rely.  
Wills is the Mother Church. From thence their Creed  
And as that censures, Poets must Succeed,  
Here the great Patriarch of Parnassus sits,  
And grants his Bulls to the Subordinate Wits.  
From this hot Bed, with Foplings we're oppressed  
That crowd the Boxes and the Pit infest.  
Who their great Masters falling spittle they lick,  
And at the neighbouring Playhouse judge on tick,  
Thus have I seen from some decaying Oak,  
A numerous Toad-stool brood, his moisture suck  
And as the Reverend Log his verdure sheds,  
The fungous' offspring flourishes and spreads.  
'Tis true a Legion of young Critics may,  
If so resolved, with Cat-calls damn a play:  
Who doubts their power? tho' had he used his throat  
Each Ass among them owned a louder note.  
Well! let these sucking wits their whistels have,  
Set off with Silver Bells, and Coral brave.  
Let careful Mother rub each tender gumm,  
And make way for Satiric teeth to come.  
Full grown they may with their own weapons fight,  
They can already hiss, in time they'll learn to bite.  
F. P.   

To his Friend Mr. Higden.  
Friend Harry, some Squeamish pretenders to thinking.  
Say thy Play is encumbered with eating and drinking▪  
That too oft in all Conscience thy Table's brought out,  
And unmerciful healths fly like Hailshot about.  
Such a merry Objection who ere could expect  
That does on the Town or its pleasures reflect?  
Is a Treat and a Bottle grown quite out of fashion,  
Or have the spruce Beaus found a new recreation?  
At a Tavern I'm certain they seldom find fault,  
When Flask after Flask in due order is brought:  
Why then should the Fops be so monstrous incivil,  
As to damn at a Play what they like at the Devil?  
When to Moloc of old by way of Oblation,  
Cross Dad of his Child did make a donation;  
With Drums and with Trumpets the Priest made a Noise,  
To stifle his groans, and extinguish his cries,  
So our modern ill-natured young Jews of the Pit  
When to damn a poor Author's attempt they think fit,  
With a Consort of Cat-calls the House they alarm,  
Lest the wit of the Play, should their fury disarm.  
How'er they may pass with the rest of the Nation,  
Tho' their malice I blame, I commend their discretion.  
For 'tis but convenient, you'll readily own,  
That the Beast should perform, what the man would disown.  
Tho. Palmer.   

The Prologue.  Written by Sir Charles Sydley. 
ENvy and Faction rule this grumbling Age,  
The State they cannot, but they shake the Stage,  
This barren trade some would engross, still hoping  
From our poor Port, to banish Interloping:  
And like the plodding Lawyers, take great care  
To elbow blooming merit, from the Bar:  
In every Age there were a sort of Men  
As you do now, damned all was written then.  
Thousands before 'em less provoked their Pride  
Then one poor rival straining by their side,  
Such vermin Critics we expect to find,  
For Nature knows not how to lose a kind  
The stinking Poll Cat, nor the Mole that's Blind.  
But against old as well as new to rage,  
Is the peculiar Frenzy of this Age.  
Shackspear must down, and you must praise no more  
Soft Desdemona, nor the Jealous Moor:  
Shackspear whose fruitful Genius, happy Wit  
Was framed and finished at a lucky hit  
The Pride of Nature, and the shame of Schools,  
Born to Create, and not to Learn from Rules;  
Must please no more, his Bastards now deride  
Their Father's Nakedness they ought to hide,  
But when on Spurs their Pegasus they force,  
Their Jaded Muse is distanced in the Course:  
All that is now has been before 'tis true,  
But yet the Art, the Fashion may be new:  
Tho' old Materials the large palace raise,  
The skilful Architect deserves his praise.  
If nothing please, you are not nice, but sick,  
'Tis want of stomach, ever to dislike.  
On our past Poets, petty Juries sit,  
The Living sink beneath your present spite,  
As if this were the doomsday of all wit.  
But Beaus and Ladies for yourselves be wise  
You'll break our Lottery if none draw a Prize  
For this one night, do as kind Lovers use  
Tie up strict Judgement and let fancy lose.   

THE Wary Widow: OR, Sir Noisy Parrot.  

ACT. I.  Scene Covent-Garden. Enter Scaredevil in a Fantastic habit as just returned from the French- Camp. Ecarede. 
HOW empty this Town is grown, since this unlucky War. I have traversed the Streets, and have not met with one of my Acquaintance: The Play Houses are silent; the Bowling-Greens abandoned; not a Vizor stirring in the Mall: I have beat it one the Hoof quite through the City; Ransacked our old quarters, and Rendezvouz; and cannot start one Honest Fellow to communicate my thoughts with: Nor so much as a Whore roving about to pick up Coach hire: Well, if this wicked lewd Town continues under so strict a Discipline and Reformation, it will be high time to bid adieu to this scene of Sin and Sea-coal: And trudge down to my last Reserve of Country Friends, the Topers: There's a sure Card for good plain wholesome Eating and Drinking: A change of Raiment for these Martial habiliments, and a Patent, to Sponge the Manufacture of the Nation, Potent Beer: Well— I see I must turn over a new Leaf; And now I think out, I have as much Learning as is Necessary for a Country Parson, and shall have Wit enough, to accept of A handsome Chambermaid with a fair Living to boot, when my Patron has given her Earnest for a Son and Heir— and said Grace to the Banquet— Enter Tom Fulham in a Ta-pawling habit. But see kind Fortune has revived me with the sight of an old Companion. Tom Fulham welcome I say into our ancient Territories and Dominions of Covent-Garden—  Ful. 
My dear Friend, Jack Scaredevel! Welcome into my Arms! But the Circumstance of your Campaign-garb; together with the Circumflex of your Whiskers, had almost removed you, out of the Landmark of my Remembrance.  Scar. 
And the roughness of your Tarpawling Habit, had almost josled you out of my thoughts: I was wondering what was become of that proper Bean, that could not stir without a Coach or a Chair at Midnight: Lest the Dampness of an injurious Mist might put his Wigg out of the Curl: Or the roughness of the Wind discompose it: But I am glad to see thee clear come off, Lad.  Ful. 
Yes faith— I am clear come of and as Lank as a shotten herring! I have mewed all my Feathers, and nothing left to bless myself, or pawn for a Reckoning: But prithee, Dear Jack! what Booty amongst the Bourghers? what plunder amongst the Boors? what rich Trophies has thou brought home to Dazzle us?  Scar. 
Just as much as you see: The Boors fled into Villages and secured themselves with a safeguard: And the Bourghers were still to nimble for us— They never suffered it to come to a Siege but Capitulated before hand; or surrendered on the first Summons— and very Civilly turned Tenants to the French, who as civilly received 'em, paying their old Rents and Customs: and a new fine into the Bargain. And having Marched us off our Legs, turned us like Hackneys to Graze in Winter Quarters till the next Spring— But how hast thou acquired this Honourable Maim, and made a shift to halt home a Cripple— that the last winter couldst outrun a Legion of Bailiffs? and out strip a Constable at the head of the Fleetest pack of his Hounds the Watchmen?  Ful. 
Fortune of the War, an unlucky Splinter in the late Engagement, but 'tis in a fair way of Recovery— I wish I could as soon recover my broken Condition: of which this Empty Town gives me but a Mellancholy-Prospect.  Scar. 
Come Bully Tarr. Never let us despair of good Fortune. We that (to the envy of the Sharpers) have like Oil floated on the Tide of Business, will not fear to be stranded in this low Ebb of affairs: 'twas well thy right hand Escaped that unlucky Splinter: which might have disabled the best Artist in Christendom: Ah that surprising Top: that nimble side, that dextrous management, that gallop and change, that Legerdemain! that clever Conveyance of the Doctor, can never want while there are Cards, Dice or Quicksilver stirring in this Nation.  Ful. 
'twas well my careful Friends gave me some breeding.  Scar. 
Rather give the just praise to thy own Industry: Thy Father was Broke ere thou wast fit to go to the Hospital— whence thou cam'st a Raw-Boy— and hadst the good Luck to strike in an under Agent to a knowing Gang, and improving the Talon of thy towardly Genius, quickly picked up a Competent stock of Knowledge: and insight into Men and Manners. Which, with thy Natural assurance bore thee out in all Company.  Ful. 
But your high Extract Don Bravo remains as obscure as the Head of the River Nile, or the Barren Mountains, where you were first reared, and your true name as unknown: I have heard thee answer to above a Grand-Jury of Christian Names: And as for Monseur Scaredevil— I suppose it is your Name of War: gained to your immortal Fame by some honourable Achievement. And why may not you be a Herald to yourself as well as a Godfather: and derive your pedigeree from what Hero God or Devil you think fit? But a late curious Antiquary has Searched deep into your Original. And the first station he traced you in, was an under Usher to a Country Fencing-School. And being quit of that Honourable employment, you promoted yourself a Spunger at a Billiard Table, and for making a Lucky thrust in a quarrel, wert adopted a Brother of the Blade, where sometime you flourished on the Salary of a Hackney Second to all Comers, without Consideration of Honour, Quarrel, principle of Friendship, or Justice, and full as Mercenary as the Swiss, would throw down your Arms, unless the ready Gelt were produced on the Spot, then invading all Companies with wondrous Confidence, you failed not upon hard drinking to make some advantage of the Reeling Company.  Scar. 
Well— thy rallying has shown thee a man of Parts: And for thy malice I will recommend thee for one of the Club when they sit in Conjunction to hatch the next Lampoon: Prithee why should thou and I turn Satirists on one another's misfortune? and like hot-braind Disputants betray the blindness of each others Cause, to the malicious Censure of the by standers? who like sly Atheists will take the Advantage to ridicule us both: let us like the Distressed States combine against all rich and wealthy Strangers and set up for a pyratical State?  Ful. 
Your advice is good— but such designs must be shadowed under a fair pretence, and false Colours must be used to decoy the prize within our power— no Fish will bite at a bare Hooke. And every Novice will take us by our Trim for Picaroones. And will rather choose to run to rights on a strange shore, than come within command of our shot— I have been Cruising here these two Days and cannot discover one Sail may administer Comfort.  Enter Sir Noisy Parrot with his Servants. Scar. 
But here is a Lucky Rogue, spreads his Canvas, may make us all saviours, and repair our Shipwrecked Fortunes— while the painted Jay is mustering his glittering Equipage, and priding himself in his borrowed plumes. I will prepare you with a hint of his Character. This Knight is one of the Cocking Top-Fools in the Town, born to an Estate able to bear out his most Extravagent Folly. He brags much of his Valour, and knowledge in gaming and other the modish arts of the Town: but is at the bottom a rank Bubble, and a fitting Tool to be wrought upon by wiser men: But the Fox must sometimes flatter this Daw, that he may drop his Cheese for a Song. But you will ken him upon the first view: Sir Noisy Parrot, we are your most humble Servants, and rejoice at our most Lucky-Fortune (being just arrived) to encounter the very life and spirit of Wit and good humour: Were the whole Race of Modish well-bred Sparks quite Extinct your single Example were enough to restore and qualify the Age.  Ful. 
You are the approved Rule and Standard of all Gallantry: a pattern sitting for the world to imitate and Copy, having the absolute Ascendant over all the Ladies which you govern without Control.  Sr. Nois. 
No faith Gentlemen, my wit and good humour is grown very Dull of late: I am so damnably overrun with Honourable Love, my thoughts are wholly taken up with raptures and contemplations: making my Court and Addresses to the bright Object of my Devotions, which has put me to a continual pumping my Brains till they are as dry as Sawdust.  Ful. 
Certainly that Lady must have more than a humane wit, that can hold repartee with so prodigious a Master of it, or can defend herself against the attaques of so invincible a Conqueror.  Sr. Nois. 
I have not given Nature a fillip, or cloaed my Body with a Brimmer this week! And my parts and faculties grow rusty for want of Scowering and Furbishing: But I have made a discovery of most delicious Burgundy! Just stolen in from France, and to avoid all scandal we will be very drunk in private, and hear the History of our Campaign-Friends on the other side of the water. Pox on't if I had not been engaged in this Foolish passion. This Love intrigue: I should have made a figure among 'em. But now I am like to Flux; Marry and Settle, and am Condemned to raise up Issue to my Forefathers! And sleep forgotten with my Country Ancestors.  Scar. 
Your Friends are concerned your Amours and engagements have disappointed them of the honour of your Company? And you lost the fair Opportunity of Signalizing yourself in Arms and raising up Trophies to your Immortal name! But the little Archer will be obeyed: and lead grim Mars where he pleases in Triumph. But for the History of our Heroes engaged in the War, it shall be deferred till we have the honour to kiss your hands over a Bottle.  Sr. Nois. 
And drink a health to all the Sparks and Sharpers abroad: not forgetting their poor disconsolate Misses, that sit languishing and forlorn at home: Poor Souls! They have run through a long Lent of Penance and Mortification: I would willingly have the Fiddles, a Treat, and the Diversion of Ballum Ranckum with Loose. But such a frolic, if smoked might cause a rupture in our Matrimonial Treaty, which is now far advanced. But for the present we must banish Venus out of our Calendar, Jolly Bacchus shall rejoice our hearts, and be our Dominical Letter, making our Eyes sparkle like flaming Carbuncles; but at present I am in haste to pay a visit to my Mistress: but must call in the way for a Copy of Verses made in praise of her excellence, tho' I may Justly boast I have as good a fancy as any of the Rhyming Tribe. But my thoughts are too busy to trouble my head about such Trumpery.  Scar. 
Then we must conclude you are smitten to some purpose? when you Dabble so deep in Poetry!  Sr. Nois. 
I am grown lazy and cannot perform all offices at once and therefore have provided myself with a Journeyman Poet— a certain Reteiner to the Muses, and let him Rook now and then a Guinny to twelve to encourage his fancy: And I believe he has as pretty a way of Cooking up a piece of Invention, as most of their Thread bare Mystery! Well Gentlemen; call me exactly at Four at the Rose Tavern.  Ambo. 
We will not fail— Exit Sir Noisy, Parrot.  Scare. 
This Fool is much admired among the Ladies for a Wit, and a Gallant. And among the Fops for a man of parts: He brags much of his cunning & Knowledge of the Town, and talks of false Dice when he has 'em in his hand. When to those that have the Courage to attack him, he it as secure and humble a bubble as ever was bit, at Cole under the Candlestick! He has not good nature enough to do a Friendly office: But must be Driven like a Deer into the Toil. To them Enter Frank Fox. But here comes Frank Fox, a Man of a generous Nature, that will help a Friend at a pinch; And has courage to call any man to account, that fails to make him a suitable Return.—  Fra. 
Welcome my brace of Warriors! you from the Camp, You from on Board, as your several habits seem to confirm me! And how go matters among the Hero's of the Age?  Scar. 
We sought not our private Advantage abroad: our end was the honour and service of our Country! in a lofty strain.  Fra. 
This public concern aught to be encouraged and rewarded: But some malicious spirits will suggest, 'twas hopes of pay and plunder engaged you in the War: Else who can think that men of Wit and Sense: wholly disinterested in any Forreign-French quarrel, should voluntary engage their mercenary Hands in all sorts of Cruelty and Barbarity: without pretence of Justice. To every Brave and Gallant man all Just and fair respect is due; but this Town of late has been so pestered with a sort of young raw confident pretending Fops, who returning from abroad, by their Grimace, nauseate all men of Discerning sense. I saw the other day a young Spark returned in Triumph from the Campaign, Strutting and Swaggering with a most dreadful Mien, Cocking and looking as haughty as if he had retaken the Imperial Standard, or accomplished some wonderful achievement: hoping with his arrogant Looks to Hector the world into a Belief that he had changed his Nature, as well as his Garb: His discourse was embroidered with Flowers he had culled out of the Gazet, mixed with some French Terms of art, which Jargon of Discourse, he mingled and put most awkardly together. But tho' this Ass was so well disguised in the Lion's skin, the dull Animal was quickly discovered by his Brayeing and exalted Ears, and Exposed to the scorn and Contempt of the Company.  

They smelled the Fop out in the shining Vest.  
Ape's will be Apes tho' in rich Scarlet dressed.   Scar. 
Such pretenders talk much of Robin Hood that never had the honour to shoot in his Bow, and give occasion to those that live at ease at home to rally poor Soldiers, that for their sakes expose themselves to hazard and fatigues abroad.  Fra. 
'Twere unkind in you to suspect, I would join with the ill natured World in such a baseness; Tho' I cannot sufficiently contemn such pretending Blockheads: I know how to value men of Merit: That may be reduced by the uncertain Chance of War, which often happens to the most free and Generous Spirits: I know you to be men of mettle, and Blades that deserve to be adorned in richer Scabbards: Here Gentlemen, command my present Stock;— gives 'em ' his purse. Share it, and get yourselves rigged in a Christian habit, you look at present like some strange Americans in a Map, or some Heathen Prince to be showed in Bartholomew Fair for money: Meet me at the Rose at two. And then I shall Communicate a matter to you, In which I shall desire your assistance? in the mean time I must walk a turn or two here in Expectation of my Father. Your Servant— [He walks.]  Scar. 
Well go thy ways for an honest Worthy obliging fellow! And tho' his noble Nature is cramped with a griping Fathers bare allowance, yet he knows how to serve a Friend at a pinch.  Ful. 
He's a sharp Lad and knows the World: and how to place a benefit to advantage.  Scar. 
While some ungainly Fellows manage their kindess so Awkardly they affront those, they pretend to serve, and made them blush that they are beholding to such Brutes.  Ful. 
This generous assistance has rescued us from the Gulf of Despair, and we will serve to the hazard of our lives: of which his last words seem to hint, he should make a sudden proof. How many rich sordid Heirs wallowing in endless wealth that can present profusely to a flattering Bawd— or a Jilting painted Mercenary Whore; but would be damned ere they would oblige an honest brave wanting Friend; Let's Divide his Benevolence.  Scar. 
Forty Guinneas to a Doit.  
I have an old Suit in Limbo will Equip me to a hair.  Ful. 
But my Wardrobe is passed all redemption, I must to the Brokers and rig myself against the Time, we'll meet at the Rose. Exeunt.  Enter Sir Wordly, Fox and Plot. Sir Wor. 
Is Mr Scattergoods further Mortagage prepared?  Plot. 
It is, Sir Worldly—  Sir Wor. 
And have you drawn a Warrant to Confess Judgement in Ejectment? That I may have the Stirrup ready to mount into the Saddle of possession, I believe I have advanced to the full of the Estate:— The Auctions in the East-India Company run very high at present, and I am resolved to dispose of my stock there, and place it upon Terra firma: on a fat Mortgage? or a Purchase— Let my Daughter know I would have her receive Sir Noisy's Address for Marriage, he has a great Estate in Land and Money? and refers the Settlement to me. Who will take care to hamper him, and secure her Fortune; on this Marriage: That it shall not fall into Huckstirs hands, and be Extravagantly spent and Squandered, She ought to look on this Match as a great Blessing, and not grow perverss and Humoursome like her Brother. I am to meet Sir Noisy at my Councils Chamber, when 'tis dark— go home.  Exit Plot. Re-enter Frank Fox. Fr Fox. 
I was at your House to Pay my Duty and am glad to wait you here.  Sir Wor. 
Excuse me Sir. I am not Supple enough to return your Compliment, and for your Duty Sir, 'tis but a word of Course, pray Sir, know the use of you Hat: there needs no Ceremony between us, a man of ripe Age, and one might have made me a Grandfather, if he would have used the means, but a wilful humour blasted my hopes.  Fr Fox. 
I hope Sir you will be entreated to pass by this single act which looks like Disobedience. You have taught me Sir, that Love and Friendship ought to be chosen; and not Compelled, and to Marry without Love, is to bind a living Body with a Dead: When ever I design that knot, I will be solely Governed by your Judgement.  Sir Wor. 
I must refer you Sir, in what concerns yourself to stand and fall by your own Management, I will not be so Idly Curious to concern my Thoughts for him I cannot Govern: And for your Debts. They were not Contracted, by any fault or Encouragement of mine: Heaven has blessed you Sir with helps, my youth could ne'er pretend to: and yet I weathered Fortunes utmost malice. I went a raw Schoolboy to Oxford. And but a freshman when the War begun: I Left the Studious for an Active life: and finding none preferred at Court, but for some by Interest, or Downright money, I was condemned to take the Luckier side. From thence rose Gradually to be a Colonel. Finding an Heiress fitting for my purpose, I married her, without considering either Wit or Beauty. An Estate was the only thing had the Witchcraft to enchant and fix my happiness. Then secured by the act of Indemnity, I bid adieu to all Military Employments: my Wife, dying Early I have above Ten Years remained a Widower, unwilling to overcharge my Family with a second Brood: But having in you met a Disappointment in my Designs, I resolve henceforward to please myself, and choose a partner in my Bed and Fortune.  Fr. Fox. 
Let your indulgence wink at what is past: my Care shall still comply with your Commands.  Sir Wor. 
Then you shall find me an indulgent Father? Ex. Sir Worldly.  Fr. Fox. 
The Conduct of this old man vexes me! Solus.  
His starched behaviour over-Ceremonious:  
As if his Malice studied for revenge:  
I would not drive him to a Desperate humour:  
To fix his Thoughts upon a second Match;  
Or Marry my Cast Mistress:  
Who in her Pride may Lord it over me!  
And seek my torment for Apostasy:  
None know how sweet Revenge is to that Sex?  
Which I'll prevent, and marry her to Parrot:  
Hedge in a Sum shall clear me of my Debts?  
Which his Indulgence made me first contract  
And now abandons me unto the World.  
'Tis this compels me to an Act immoral  
Which I myself condemn, but can't avoid:  
He who constrains me thus to stretch my Wit.  
And forces the occasion pardons it.  Enter Plot. 
Why are your Looks so Melancholy Plot?  Plot. 
I am considering (a point you take but little care off.) how to stop mouths of your barking Creditors; which if I find not some to silence, I shall be swallowed alive in prison: and you may live to make Dice of my Bones: I am so disturbed and alarmed with their Threats and dunning Epistles, that I can take no repose? If your Father did but know my hand was with you, and my friendship to you had involved me in this affair I should be discarded from his Service.  Fr. Fox. 
Well Plot: what Expedient have you thought upon to stop this dangerous Leak; which threatens to sink our Crassy Vessel, and prove a common ruin to us both.  Plot. 
I declare I am at a loss— what says your Father? will he not advance?  Fr. Fox. 
He is so offended with my refusing that Squintifego-Crump for a Bride, that he has discarded me with my bare allowance to buckle with the World.  Plot. 
He had set his heart upon that Match: 'Twas his darling Device: which he had sat long a hatching: but your obstinate refusal blasted his hopes. and made him desperate-mad: Disappointing him of the rich Harvest he had so long Dreamt of: Hang it, why should a Tyrannical Father think to compel his only Son to marry an Heiress worth Sixty Thousand pounds, contrary to his Inclination, though he bribed him with a Settlement of 1500 l. per annum. And secured the rest after his Death. Had you had the Grace to have Complied, these petty Debts would not have stung us like Hornets, as now they do: Then you had amazed and dazzled the world with your shining Epuipage. And appeared the Glory and envy of the Town: The enchanting Ladies would have adored and cried you up for the most happy Conqueror and you might put their hearts under what Contribution you had pleased, you cannot guests Sir at the Magic power of Riches, which can in a moment transform a Seseless Brute into an accomplished Gentleman.  Fr. Fox. 
What need I despair, or poorly Compound for a Despised Livelihood, when my Fortune stands fair before me, and assures me all things will succeed most happily: None can Disappoint me of my Father's Estate: And I had rather be a Galleyslave, than chained to the Embraces of her I hate.  Plot. 
Tho' Love is adored as a powerful God among the Superstitious Troop of idle votaries: yet to Wisemen, he's but an Empty nothing, and used as a Cloak to cover politic designs: 
Love and Religion Serviceable Tools:  
To the Wise Artist: Dangerous to Fools.   Fr. Fox. 
Hold a little Sir: let me stop you in the Career, of your Harangue: and entreat the assistance of your Talent to matters in hand.  Plot. 
I stand Corrected Sir: and must own that a Florid Philosophical Discourse will be as unseasonable and ridiculous in our present Condition as Sir Hudibrass grave set of Morals in the Stocks: 'tis better Imitating the Wiser Conduct of Court Preachers, that never disgust their Audience with a dangerous Truth: and by that means run the hazard of bilking themselves of a long hunted preferment. But is there no means left to mollify your obdurate clutch-sist Father? Did you urge your Necessity's home?  Fr. Fox. 
With all the winning Rhetoric and art of persuasion I could, but his heart was not to be softened with all my Arguments; and like a Diamond bore it without any Impression: He told me, since I had refused the Settlement he had proposed: and disappointed him of the satisfaction of seeing me married: it was the Effect of my roving Fancy: He had known many like Gipsies, better pleased to follow their own humour and Inventions than confine themselves to any settled Course of Life: and was pleased to find he was related to a Son that had Wit enough to Swim in the world without being beholding to the Bladders of his Friend's assistance.  Plot. 
Then 'tis but reasonable since he condemns you to live by your wits he should feel the first Stroke of your Fancy.  Fr. Fox. 
And I have a Project just now teeming in my brains shall make us saviours to the Tune of a Thousand— But of that hereafter. How does my Sister receive Parrot's addresses?  Plot. 
Who? my good Friend and Patron Sir Noisy? He has chosen me of his Cabinet Council in this affair, and prime Confident: He is smitten up to the Hilts with your Sister!  Fr. Fox. 
How does she receive him?  Plot. 
Very coldly.  Fr. Fox. 
I like it the better, and am resolved you shall do a double Favour, in ridding her of a troublesome Gallant; and assisting in a Marriage, Designed between the aforesaid Knight your Friend, and a Damsel of my intimate acquaintance. You may easily bring it about because he trusts you!  Plot. 
Of your acquaintance! nay then he'll have a fine time on't— Sir I must heartily beg your pardon in this Case: I would be ready to do you any Service myself. But my Conscience will not let me dispense with a Breach of Trust: What? betray a Friend: you must hold me Excused!  Fr. Fox. 
Betray a Friend, betray a Coxcomb! There is no more obligation for a Man of Wit and Sense to keep the peace or Friendship with a Fool, then for a Turk to observe Articles with a Christian, or a Papist with a Heretic. There's a mutual parity required in the bonds of Love and Friendship, and where one side is turned Bankrupt, the other on Course remains no longer bound: And for Conscience 'tis but a blind Stalking-Horse! to cover designs: A shame pretence, not to be spoke of among men of wit. But to remove all Scruples, Accomplish this, and for it, and your Services past and to come: I will confirm you an Annuity of one hundred pounds per annum. under hand and Seal, payable on my Marriage or my Father's Death.  Plot. 
Sir I am much edified by your Learned Distinction, and must confess you have such a strange Winning bewitching power over my frail foolish Nature, a very Tempting Motion, which I cannot refuse being accompanied with Gain.  Fr. Fox. 
I fear it will be heard to trap the old Fox.  Plot. 
I rather distrust the young Fop, who is naturally apt to Blink and Boggle: But the old one is by long Success: grown confident and will swallow the Bait.  

All Novices are Shy: But a new Trick  
Does the Old Gamester most securely Nick— Ex. Plot.   Fr. Fox. 
This fellow has a subtle Brain, and a Genius sit for Business: he had his first seasoning, under a pettifogging Solicitor. And there grew well acquainted with the Nicking part of Business, but straining a Knavish point too high, was forced to fly beyond Sea for the safety of his Ears: till the persecution was past, and there accomplished himself in all Foreign as well as Domestic Politics: At his return Fortune threw him on my Father's Service, where by his Dexterity of management, He has wound himself into his affairs, and is become Prime Minister in the Conduct of his most important matters. I have by degrees drawn him over, and fixed him of my party, and by that means am Master of all my Father's Secrets, which come within the Sphere of his knowledge. And knowing only Interest could secure him, I have promised him Mountains, when Fate calls the old man aside, and in the mean time drew him in to be bound for my Debts, which will oblige him to any hazardous undertaking, will work him out of his engagements, I must make use of him to advance an other hundred pound. Credit is like a Pump grows dry for want of working, one hat full of water puts it in Tune, than you may serve yourself and friend, and fill your Cisterns against a further occasion.  Enter a Vizour Mask and presents him with a Letter— He reads— 
August, the 10 th'. 1672.  
Earnest Business gives you this trouble and I request you will meet me at Rosamonds Pond at Eleven this morning. I shall be habited. etc.  
Madam you have served me with a Process of Love in nature of a Bille deux, to which I answer I am at present no Idle Fellow; but oblige to take up one Hundred Pounds, if I can persuade an honest obliging Person to lay it down: Now if you, or any kind Friend of yours, will advance me such a Sum? I will give you personal Security; or be Bound Body for Body.  Mas. 
Mine is an Affair of Consequence and might concern you to make a more serious Answer?  Fr. Fox. 
I have been so bit under Vizours that I am under a Promise to be no more deluded, Except you convince me, you're a new Face?  Mas. 
Then I remove all obstructions to the Treaty: I own my credentials bore Faced.  Fr. Fox. 
And it is a very pretty one. Let you and I retire to my Lodging? hard by: and adjust matters in private?  Mas. 
Hold Sir, I am but an Ambassadress; and claim Protection by the Law of Nations: And if you press me further, I will call in the Mobile to my Assistance.  Fr. Fox. 
Well thy Beauty has engaged me to meet; but if you Gilt me, I will be revenged on those two twinking Stars if e'er I meet 'em. Ex. Fox.  Mas. 
I must wait my Ladies coming, 'tis much about the time of her coming from Church, she has been at prayers she may be Lucky in this Adventure? Oh! here she comes.  Enter Lady Wary. La. Wa. 
Well, did you deliver my Letter?  Maid. 
I did, and he has assured me he will meet at the hour.  La. Wa. 
My Brother has proposed him for a Husband:  
Rendering his Character and Fortune Fair:  
But Friendship like to Love proves often Blind.  
Misleading the frail Judgement into Error:  
It most concerns me nearly to Descry  
The Rocks and hidden Quicksands of his humour.  
And the rough Passions which infest his mind:  
I cannot be too Curious in my Search:  
On which my Future happiness depends:  
He once may Lord it o'er my Mind and Fortune!  
If I in this disguise meet him by Chance  
He will appear to me in his true Colours.  
A sudden Speech discovers more the heart  
Then Courtship made by studied rules of Art.  
The weakest Lover will provide Disguise,  
To hide his failings from his Mistress Eyes:  
Through this Disguise I as a spy may see,  
Th' unwary posture of the Enemy;  
Like a Dark Lantern Vizors are designed,  
To light before, while all's concealed behind.  
End of the First Act.   

ACT. II.  Enter Clarinda and Nurse. Clar. 
MY Dearest Nurse, by whose Counsel I have hitherto conducted myself let your advice rescue me from this Insolent pretender Sir Noisy Parrot whom I most perfectly hate.  Nur. 
And you desire my opinion? Therefore I will first shut the Door; for it is very improbable where there is more than two Women concerned, Counsel should be long concealed.  Clar. 
I have an Aversion for this troublesome Fellow, that talks sleeping and waking without staying for, or expecting an Answer: His discourse is set to the tune of his own Praise or Commendation, Extolling and valuing himself (as he imagines) on his nightly Debauches, Quarrels, Rencounters, Duels disorders and the Love of many great Ladies who languish and die for his sake: Though none regard, or give belief; to his Fabulous and Romantic Adventures.  Nur. 
It will be dangerous in you to oppose the Currant of your Father's humour and cross his design: and you will find him Resolute Bat when he sets upon it. Therefore it will be best to comply with his humour and dissemble obedience: lest you may run the Riske your brother has done for his Obstinacy: Bid Sir Noisy welcome with all the Gaiety imaginable; that he may fancy by the freedom and indifferency of your humour you were bred up amongst those talking treating Gossipping Intreaguing Ladies: That will toss a Bottle and take up a Story in their ears upon occasion. Hint it to him, since your Father will have it so, you are very indifferent in the point of Marriage: will comply with his fancy, but choose with your own: That you look on Marriage as a humane Politic Invention, a sort of a Smith-field-Bargain where inclinations are bought and Sold: or swopt away for present Interest. Carry it on with Gaiety and Gallantry of Humour: Talk much of Plays, Music, Meetings, Balls the Mall, and freedom of Conversation: And I'll secure you he shall be the first shall recant, and pay a round forfeiture to be well off the Bargain. If he declines his Courtship your Father will have no reason to Complain, for though Men are never so depraved and Debauched in their own Principles, they wish their Wives should be Examples the other way.  Clar. 
Well Nurse I am satisfied you have proposed the true way to bring me off, and I will try to Act it to the life; when he comes next the whole Scene shall be changed and I will over do it with Extravagant whimsy and Frolic, and so nauseate his appetite that he shall never after think of Matrimony.  Nur. 
Well, we'll go in and prepare ourselves for Action, Study our Qs and rehearse our parts and I will be near and prompt, if I find your Natural Modesty at a loss, I be ready to assist, and I'll warrant you we will send him away like a Dog with a rattle at his Tail. Exeunt.  SCENE. The Park. Enter Lady and her Maid. La. 
Do you think the Spark will meet?  Ma. 
He looks more like a Cavaleir then to break his Word.  La. 
Prithee give me an exact Account of what passed at the delivery of my Letter?  Ma. 
At first he laughed and told me he was a Man of business, and had abundance of Irons in the fire, and could not be spared to wait on these Vain, Idle assignations. That he was just going to take up a hundred Pounds if he knew any person would be so civil to lay it down. I told him if he knew the fair Lady sent the Letter he would court the occasion. He replied he had been so often bantered with Letters and Mask's that he was resolved never to stir one foot on such sleeveles errands except my Face would persuade him. For he hated an old acquaintance worse than dirty Linen, a dunn, or a Bill of Exchange without money to answer it. I discovered my Face and found grace to engage him to meet at the time and Place. Well madam, are you not under some concern to meet this dangerous man of War, that has been flushed with so many Victories? He has made many a poor heart sigh, or the world foully belies him. Love is often Imperious and domineering and will not be checked and governed by Reason.  La. 
Doubt not, I shall defend my own with Gallantry and Resolution. But I'll advance him the Money on certain Conditions which if he breaks I'll hate and despise him.  Ma. 
Courage madam, the Enemy approaches.  Enter Frank. Fr. 
By all the fair Tokens of my Letter of advice: Madam, you are Consigned hither. And I am to be the happy Factor of so complete a Cargo?  La. 
You talk like a Merchant, come hither on some design of purchase or Exchange. But I must declare myself an utter stranger to the affairs of your Negotiation. I hope I may Sail here, under the protection of the King's Chamber, in these narrow Seas: without any embargo, constraint or further Examination from any Pikaroon that Cruises here for Purchase.  Fr. 
You may perceive by this Letter, [shows his Letter.] that I am come here upon an Honourable Assignation, and If you agree with the Market in the Margin, I must discourse with you further on that Subject.  [She reads and returns it.] La. 
Sir you see I do not agree in habit with your Description, and rather believe you are some pirate, or Corfaire that haunt this Coast to snap a Prize, under false Colours and pretence?  Fr. 
My Colours truly declare what Prince I serve: But I have greater Reason to suspect your Truth, that conceal your Commission with your Face? But my open pretences give me a fairer Character.  La. 
The Ladies that haunt the Boxes, and travers the Mall, enquiring after every proper Gentleman's Circumstances, make a Figure there, know Mr. Fox's fair Expectations: But no Woman of Fortune will venture for Better for worse, without ample Settlements and a separate Maintenance, if Husbands should prove base, unkind, or unjust; in these Cases 'tis good to have Two strings to one's Bow.  Fr. 
I know some have had Twenty, and worn 'em to the Stump.  La. 
Those are a fort of Roving Spirits: But a sober Musician will try what Melody can be made on a Trump Marine with one single String, rather than entertain a Scandalous Consort.  Fr. 
But Madam, since you are so well acquainted with mine: Let me be beholding to you for your own Character?  La. 
That will avail you nothing: our Circumstances differing in every Point, and I like other Artists can paint my Description as fair as I please. You having had no sight of the Original to contradict it: But to comply with your desire: I am a Widow, my days of mourning with my Garments are almost at an End: My husband died rich and Loved me passionately; and it was my Care to preserve it, till misfortune parted us: he left me in full possession of all which many think Considerable enough.  Fr. 
Your person is more valuable than the Indies: And I am most infinitely charmed with your wit and humour. Let me beg you will remove that dark Cloud which obscures the Noblest Object.  La. 
Want of knowledge is the True mother of Devotion: And a convenient distance often makes us adore those Mysteries, which on a more familiar acquaintance, we should slight and despise: If you think it worth your enquiry, I will preserve it for a further interveiw: Let my first injunction request you will press it no further which will oblige me to more freedom hereafter: But if your Curiosity makes you pry further into my reserve, instead of your promised Juno, you will meet an empty Cloud, or at least will prove so to you—  Fr. 
Madam your Commands oblige me more than an Oath or an Act of Parliament. I beg your pardon, for my inquisitive humour, and will press no further: I am wrapped up into the Heavens of Imagination! Your Wit and Conversation has raised me into an Extazy: Your shape mein and charming accents of your Voice, has ravished me from myself. Ulysses when he passed through the Consort of the Sirens was not more Transported.  La. 
'Twas well his forecast had pinioned him to the Mast, to secure him from those fluttring Designs, would have ensnared his Life.  
But I must not permit you to proceed in this rapture: 'Tis possible time may discover such a Face, that may damp your Devotion and put it out of humour.  Fr. 
There never was so fair a Temple built but was inhabited by something divinely Excellent.  La. Wa. 
When Fancy has raised you to the tipptoes of your Imagination: you must at last consider your Mistress attributes are but mortal: Sudden passions like furious Earthquakes, cause a Commotion and Expire; whereas more Calm and regular sits are more permanent and lasting. The information I have given you in my own affairs incourages me to inquire after the History of your Amours: A person of your youth and Temper, cannot but have intrigues on foot: Deal sincerely with me, for if Time are Accident shall discover your falsehood, I shall suspect you vehemently in the rest.  Fr. Fox, 
I condemn the rigour of my Misfortunes without my fault: Chance at a Masquerade, brought me acquainted with a young handsome Woman: Beautiful to a miracle; she lived in a solitary house in the out-skirts of the Town: with an Aunt, as her Governess. I made my frequent visits, but with a Caution under a false name: And at last made a Discovery she was kept by an old Gentleman: My Curiosity did not press to know further. We continued in this happy Circumstance, for some time: When a cross accident blasted all my hopes and has made an Eternal Separation: But I am still ready to Sacrifice my life for her Interest and Service: But must for ever abandon her love: I can charge no fault on her or myself; but the odd Capriciousness of my Fate distracts me: And this Madam, is the sole Intrigue and Correspondence I have entertained or engaged in for some time.  La. Wa. 
You have surprised me with a strange Riddle, I want an Oedipus to expound it, but I must Credit it, because it is vouched by you, and the Concern, with which you tell it, gives it the more lively faith.  Fr. Fox. 
It is a Secret too true, And I wish it may be still a Riddle, which nothing but the Rack or Torture should have extorted from me, but your Ladyship's Command.  La Wa. 
I leave you Master of your Thoughts!  Fr. Fox 
Madam your enchanting Conversation has engaged me beyond my time: But must beg you will appoint when I may make myself once more happy in your Conversation: It will be Cruel to condemn my heart, and not allow me time to put in further Claim.  La. Wa. 
What business hurries you away so fast?  Fr. Fox. 
'Tis of import, and calls me into the City.  La. Wa. 
I'll hold my life to raiss a Sum of money to Carry on some fresh design.  Fr. Fox. 
You guess like a Conjurer, which must be provided or else my projects will miscarry.  La. Wa. 
Well, rather than all shall be lost in fumo! I will venture a hundred Guinneas on your project: if that will do you any service; 'Tis my Stock at Basset: And for once, the Table shall want a Gamester: my Servant has it in a Purse, you may take it by Consent, upon this Condition that you repay it, before you make Courtship or profession to another Mistress: But if you are strongly Tempted, you may have a Dispensation from me! when I see you next.  Fr Fox. 
Madam, I blush to accept this favour, which looks like robbery in me, if I wore the Mask! takes the purse.  La. 
I'll ask no Note under your hand I have a good witness by.  Fr. 
My Heart assures me I can never fail.  La. 
At four I'll meet you here: Leave me to my Freedom without a Spy.  Fr. 
I kiss your hands.  
Never was Man so generously obliged— Exit.  Maid. 
I doubt not, but you have won on his noble Nature.  La. 
'Tis better to sound his principles. with the loan of a trisling Sum, than put my whole Fortune in his hand; and be cheated of it at a lump, by such a faithless Banker, I am at a loss to expound this riddle of the Masquerade, but I will use my utmost art to Dive into his Breast, I cannot be satisfied till I master it: And if he Loves— He cannot hide it long— she muses.  Enter Leonora disguised in the habit of a Gentleman, running and out of Breath, looks about him, falls in a Swoon crying— He's gone, he's gone! Maid. 
Lord Madam, I am surprised.  La. 
Charity obliges us to help him in this Distress: Rub his Temples. Oh he revives and opens his eyes.  Leo. 
Oh when will my Misfortunes have an End!  
I thank your Charity that brought me back!  
Or else my Miserable life had here concluded.  La. 
You're welcome Sir once more to breathe the air,  
Lend him your hand and raise him from the Ground.  Leo. 
Madam— I thank your Charity and beg your pardon▪  
If I inquire what Gentleman was that,  
That held discourse with you before my Coming?  La. 
A perfect Stranger I met here by Chance.  Leo. 
Oh Madam— pardon a Distracted Woman;  
Plun'gd by misfortune in Eternal ruin,  
Who in few hours envied no mortal State.  La. 
A Woman! Madam you Surprise me much!  
And tho' your borrowed shape misled my Guests  
I cannot repent of serving so much Beauty.  
I see your weak Limbs ill support your Body  
Accept my Servants Arm?  
She will conduct you to my Coach that waits,  
And I'll attend you to your Lodging.  Leo. 
Madam ten thousand thanks for your assistance.  Ex Leonora leaning on her Woman. La. 
What if this Stranger prove the Masquerade,  
I am on fire, till I pump out the Secret— Exit.  SCENE. the Hall. Enter Clarinda and her Maid Betty. Bett. 
Madam Sir Noisy's come,  
To Serenade you with the Fiddles.  Clar. 
Is the Wine and Coloured water prepared?  Bett. 
So like you cannot distinguish it by your Eye.  Clar. 
'tis well— admit him. Enter Sir Noisy Parrot. Sir Noisy Parrot, you are welcome, since my Father has given you admittance; you are Patron here.  Sir Nois. 
I am glad to wait on you in so good a humour: it used to be more Lowering and Tempestuous— And therefore I brought the Fiddles to appease the Storm.  Clar. 
That is allayed by your Company; a Woman's Countenance, does not always show her real meaning: But since you have brought the Music, we'll have a minuit. strike up.  Sir Nois. 
I am Surprised to find you in so good a humour  Music plays— She Dances and Sings with all Gaiety, Turns him about. He shows himself very Clumsey and awkward in the Dance. Clar. 
I see Sir Noisy I can tire you out— Sit down and Breath a while and we'll to't again. I perceive this exercise has made you Dry— Betty bring Wine, and a Collation— Come Sir Noisy? since the Fates will have it so, here's to our better acquaintance— fill him his Glass— to the whole Legion of your Mistresses— alon's Monseiur Chacon l'ver. The glasses meet and clash. I think I do pretty well for a young beginner at this Exercise: A little Practice will make me perfect. Sir Noisy I am resolved I'll Imitate your Example every way, and first we'll discard all jealousy: for that will disturb our happiness. When we are Married the Law installs me your Sultana; your Mistress of State, And I in days of Triumph am to wear your Golden Trappings, as your Charging Palfry: Neither shall I be out of humour if you divert yourself, with an easy pad, on ordinary occasions: by the by; provided you return home to your quarters safe and Sound, and in the mean time the Necessity of the Family may be supplied: Marriage is like to prove a tedious Journey, and will hold out one of our Lives: And therefore it will be good to support Nature with all Comfortable refreshments, of which I take the Bottle to be a main one, which constantly feeds the Lamp of Love. And none but the foolish Virgins will want that precious liquour for a recruite.  Sir Nois. 
And madam, I'll be bold to drink the aforesaid Health, to our further Acquaintance.  Clar. 
The deeper the Sweeter. You see I make you welcome, after the German Fashion: Who contract all amity and friendship over a Bottle: and faith, plain dealing is a Jewel now a days; and it is good to let every one know betimes what they must trust to: But since you have pressed the Music let 'em divert us with a Song.  Sir Nois. 
Madam! I design to treat you with an air of my own Composing and setting. [which he produces and reads it with great admiration.]  Clar. 
Indeed Sir Noisy this must be very Charming?  The Music Sings the same Song. Clar. 
Sir Noisy, I perceive you're in a perfect Rapture, these Hiperbolicall Expressions treat your Mistress like an Idol, be pleased to command the Music to sing the new Dialogue of womens' freedom that's much more agreeable to my humour.  Sir Nois. 
Madam I will. [goes to speak to the Music.]  Clar. 
How have I performed?  Betty. 
To the life: the poor Idiot stands amazed at your freedom: Carry it on with fresh humour, and I'll warrant you, you nauseate him: For ever prosecuting his Love further. That torrent of discourse that used to roll so volubly from his Tongue, without sense or Consideration, has now left him; he is grown Speechless, quite run down and insipid.  Re-enter Sir Noisy. The Song. Clar. 
I this is to the purpose. We'll ne'er live sneakingly at home with my Father, to be curbed with his Musty Morals: but take the full swing and scope of our humour. First, we'll furnish a large splendid House, where we may have Elbow room, with servants and Equipage suitable; and by the way you must forswear living in that nasty dull place, the Country. Where with much ado, we may once in a Moon Scrape Company together to make a Game at Whisk, or Lantraloo; or a Country Dance. We will live constantly in Town, and when our dear diversion the Playhouses are shut up, and all grows dull here, we'll down to Tun-bridge, where while you fret yourself at the Groomporters, I will divert myself at the Royall-Oak, spend all the Morning Raffling at the Wells, and the Evening in Conversation and Dancing: and thus the time shall slide insensibly, with all mirth and Jollity: and I will lead a life more like your Friend, or Mistress than your Wife: But I must Article you must always keep a Coach for me to make my separate Visits: You shall not inquire into my affairs: Neither will I trouble my head with yours: We'll keep a free open table to entertain our Friends. And for other matters I shall leave it to my Father's Care to secure me a separate Maintenance, and make provision against all mischances.  Sir Nois. 
Well Madam, we shall be an envied pattern to the World: Let me beg the Favour to Seal the Bargain upon your lips.  Clar. 
Well Sir, for once I am contented, you take it as a liker, before Marriage; But I must be more shy of my Favours: till you are fast in a trap: When the parson has said Grace, you are welcome to use your pleasure; in the mean time I must be more upon the Reserve: lest if you should entice me to be to free, before hand, you might fly of from your Bargain; Some have been served so to my Knowledge.  Sir Nois. 
Madam, there is no danger I can Repent.  Clar. 
Well, say and hold; I always resolved I would marry a brave fellow: that should stand by me, and justify my honour and reputation, right or wrong: I Scorn a little sneaking fellow, this is easily run down; encouraging others to pretend to more familiarity than is true, and that will provoke a Saint.  Sir Nois. 
It will indeed: Well madam, I will leave no stone unturned to bring this matter to a sudden Conclusion.  Clar. 
And I will lend my helping hand. Sir Noisy, we will not part with dry Lips: one Glass more to the happy Consummation of our wishes.  Sir Nois. 
With all my heart: Your Servant.  Clar. 
Hold hold Sir Noisy: who could have thought you would have been such a Clown? to steal away without taking leave. they kiss. I vow Sir Noisy, you make me blush to mind you of your Duty.  Sir Nois. 
I'm glad I got off Sober, but this strange freedom amazes me. aside.  Exit Sir Noisy. Bet. 
Well madam, you have acted your part with all Gallantry: I'll secure you this dunghill cock will never have spirit to wheel or strike one stroke more in the Battle: you see he is perfectly cowed and dares not show his face! you have baffled his pretensions, and cut him down in his own way!  Clar. 
I believe he is grown Cropsick of the bargain. If we see him no more to day, you shall Visit him to morrow! And entertain him with a hideous Character of my Wantonness.  Bet. 
I doubt not but He's already well enough satisfied.  Clar. 
Well I must blush and ask pardon; that have strained a point of Modesty to be rid of so vain a pretender.  

Of proffered Dainties we suspect the Savour.  
Where most were courted, seldom prize the Favour. Exeunt.   SCENE, Leonora's House. Enter Lady, and Leonora in her man's clothes. Leo. 
Your kindness, Madam, infinitely binds me  
What I shall ever be, must own your Bounty,  
Who brought me from the Dungeon of Despair.  La. 
This storm blown over all will then prove fair,  
The Stars ne'er meant that face for black Despair.  Leo. 
What can I hope in this distracted state  
That am a perfect stranger to the World  
And want a faithful Friend to give me Council.  La. 
Madam! you freely may Command my Service,  
And Women prove as trusty to each other  
As great Heroes: And conceal their Secrets.  
But while you labour thus to stifle thoughts  
They often suffocate, or fester inwards,  
And breed a hidden Gangreen in the Mind;  
Open your Grief and give your Passions vent,  
The very telling it will Ease your Heart:  
And I'll apply my utmost Skill to serve you.  Leo. 
Then I will freely make you my Confessor,  
Be not severe or kill me with a frown:  La. 
Your Face assures me yours are Venial failings!  Leo. 
I wish my faults to you transparent were,  
Which I condemn, but never can declare:  
When to arraign myself, it is my Choice  
Shame hides my Face and robs me of my Voice.  Enter Aunt and whispers Leonora. 
Madam some business interrupts us now:  
I beg you call on me: I am still at home!  
Conceal yourself a Moment in this Lobby  
And those back stairs conduct you to your Coach.  La. 
But I'll make bold to Listen. retires.  Enter Fr. Fox. Leonora runs and embraces him and faints in his Arms. 
It is as I expected. I'll watch the Issue.  Fra. 
My absence made me seem a Criminal,  
I from your sight concealed my Guilty Face  
And hid me from the person I adore.  Leo. 
Since I once more enclose you within these Arms  
Nor Time nor Fate shall e'er divorce me from you!  
Happy that hour when at a Masquerade,  
Thy Wit and Beauty charmed my panting Breast,  
And first inspired thy Love into my heart!  
Which Was till then a stranger:  
My Heart then melted and dissolved within me!  
A race of Golden Days did then appear  
Love was our Theme all day, and every Day a Year.  Fra. 
Our Love in blooming Youth is in the prime  
And like pure Gold works perfect from the mine:  
Till thoughts and Care the Mettle does debase  
And mix it with a dull and Gross allay.  Leo. 
Love at this Envied pitch should ever stay.  Fra. 
Our fruitless wishes can't arrest the Sun  
That great Machine of Heaven must still proceed  
And having touched the highest Southern point, from thence declines:  Leo. 
Then since we find ourselves Each hour decay,  
Our Bodies like a Clock at first made perfect;  
Until the Spring, and well disposed wheels  
Wear out, and falter in Career of motion,  
Losing its pulse, no more points to the Hour.  
Since hours fly, each Minute le's improve  
And think all time is lost, that is not spent in Love!  Fr. 
Yet that self moving Clock may be disordered:  
By some mischance disabled to perform  
Or strike, until restored and put in tune.  Leo. 
Then we must wait with patience until Art  
Or Time restore it to perform its office:  
For Love can pardon and supply defects!  
But, dearest Life, be free and tell the Cause  
What made you steal away from me abruptly?  Fr. 
When in our infant Love you smiled upon me:  
Tho' your Aunt stormed and I received repulses  
Yet I cut through the Billows by your light.  
At last convinced it was in vain to strive  
Against the stream of our united Love:  
She thought it safest to conceal our Converse  
From the old Dragon, watched the Golden Fruit,  
I interloped and drove a private trade,  
And never minded who touch on the Coast  
Till by his Picture you betrayed the Secret.  
I at that sight grew pale, my colour faded  
And shot a discomposure through my frame,  
Starting as I had met my Father's Ghost!  
Which you perceived, I told you 'twas a Qualm  
That suddenly benumbed my fainting Spirits.  
And while your Friendship went to fetch a Cordial  
I stole away.  Leo. 
And was that kindly done?  Fr. 
I straight retired home reflecting there  
That he who oft had proved our sport, and maygame;  
Was my own Father— 'twas then I found  
Nature unknown to us had placed a Bar  
So strongly fixed no Art nor time could shake it.  Leo. 
Then I alone can cut that Gordian knot:  
Which I want strength to break or skill to lose.  
And Death alone shall end this tedious Life.  She draws her Sword and offers to fall upon it, but is prevented by Frank. Fra. 
Hold! hold!  
Let not a rash and inconsiderate Act  
Deprive you of the power to Repent  
Of Errors past, and wash them white with tears,  
And Heaven will say Amen, to our Endeavours:  
But if grown deaf unto those checks of Conscience  
We still persist, it swells to rank Rebellion:  
We defy, Heaven and set a mark for Vengeance,  
Whose thunder never fails to hit the white.  Leo. 
Could I be once assured this change of Fortune  
Proceeded not from your inconstant humour?  
I could support this hated separation,  
And live recluse never to see mankind.  Fr. 
That were to hard a task for Youth to relish  
Which is not prone by Nature, to such strictness:  
I doubt not if your Beauty will be ruled,  
To raise your Fortune to a pitch of Envy.  Leo. 
Thou art alone the Scope of all my Thoughts,  
The joy, the light, the comfort of my Eyes:  
And since my heart is robbed of that content,  
What further can I hope, wish or desire;  
When all my happiness in thee lies Buried?  Fr. 
Never despair! the Sun shines every where;  
Fortune may doubly recompense the loss:  
Your late adorer now becomes your Friend,  
That still will lose his Interest for your Service  
And time may in a moment Change your Passions  
Transferring fancy on some other object  
Where it may thrive and prosper:  
Cast all care on me, compose your Thoughts  
And I'll inform you more when next we meet  Leo. 
My Friend? So from this hour I still may call you  
Rest ever happy, blessed, and fortunate: Exit Fra. she stands and looks after him than throws herself on the Couch. the Scene Closes.  
Tho' I despair for ever of repose.  Enter Lady and her Maid. as in the Street. La. 
Well you must get my new Garniture ready, for I must shift as quick as a Player between the Acts, let me have all new and change and vary my shape, that my Gallant may forget his invisible Mistress and have his eyes dazzled with my Costly ornaments and Jewels. My Brother assures me he will dine here to day. Well Girl I have made such a discovery that amazes me. Tho' I am satisfied in the Main.  Maid. 
How do you find the Spark?  La. 
Just and honourable. But I will now put on all my Charms that I may the better Judge of his Constancy to his Mistress in the Mask.  Mai. 
If he should quit all his interest in her, and fall in love with you on the first sight.  La. 
That would argue to great a levity and blemish him in my Esteem: leaving me to distrust that such an Inconstant Rambler like Mercury can never be fixed. But I will try him at both weapons, which has the greatest Influence my Face and Gravity at home, or my airy Conversation abroad in the Mask.  Mai. 
'Twill puzzle a Casuist to distinguish between your Natural and Politic Capacities.  

By several ways the train of Love he fires,  
He Courts your Wit, your beauty he admires:  
Then let us guests which Charms most by the Event;  
Beauty in view, or wit on the cold Scent. Exeunt.   
The End of the Second Act.   

ACT. III.  The SCENE Opens and discovers Leonora on the Couch. To her Enter Aunt. Au. 
I Hope your Friend has left you in a sober Temper. He tells me, tho' his Conscience will not give him leave to serve your delights, yet he shall make it his sole Study to advance your Interest and well doing in the World. He always use to behave himself so rudely and scurvily to me, that I hated him mortally; but now he has changed his note and speaks kindly and feelingly to me: that my heart melts within me, and I love the very ground he goes on. And tho' I understand there is a cessation of Arms between you, yet he shall command me any earthly thing. He tells me he will marry you to a young rich Knight and Baronet, and that you shall be Ladyfied and keep your Coach and Six, and live in the Country in a Stately House as big as a Palace.  Leo. 
Thou art always busying thy head about Vanity.  Au. 
So is every thing that does not jump with your humour: What shall I say if my old Master comes, for he'll haunt and be prying about?  Leo. 
Tell him I am in Bed: there he'll find me. I need not Counterfeit.  Au. 
Lord! what a hurrican and Commotion this young fellow has made, and has so turmoiled our affairs: before he came preaching here, all things went on swimmingly: now they are quite of the hooks: I wish Fortune had never conducted his feet within these doors: ever since our matters have gone Retrograde, as Mr. Gadbury says: I always advised you against this poor indigent young Fellow: I opposed him what I could, till I saw it was to late: But I was forced to use my utmost art of dissimulation, to Cloak your Infidelity: and made the old man believe that he had the sole possession: did so sweeten and Cajole his fancy: if he had smoked the least he would have discarded us both, and turned us out of House and home: and than what reparation could your fine young, slim, smooth-faced Friend, have made? Yet still you remain in an obstinate perverse humour: I am ashamed to see what cold advances you make to the old Gentleman's Compliments and Caresses: well, if you will not Buckle, and apply your self to be more Complaisant, you will ruin all my Care, and we must bid good Night Landlord: and lose the best Friend that ever you had since your Mother bound your head.  Leo. 
Forbear to torture me, thou cursed Engine of the Devil and all mischief: 'twas thy Flattery that first seduced and Debauched me then a Child, and betrayed me into his Arms: where I destroyed my honour and Conscience for your private advantage: and foolishly bartered away my Virgin Treasure, for Glass, Bells, and Baubles.  Aunt. 
I dont know what you mean by Glass, Bells, and Baubles. But I am sure we made his Pocket bleed good full substantial Guinneas. And he would have come deeper if you had had sense enough to have managed his humour and not been too forward and coming. Madam it is the wisest way to strike your fortune while the Iron's hot, and not let his affection cool for want of your Complacence. I am sure I made a good bargain for you, if you had had Grace or known how to have managed and improved it.  Leo. 
Thy arts and insinuations have misled me, and made me the most despicable and infamous of all Creatures, for which I curse thee and hate myself, and hope Death will are long put an end to my misery. Exit Leonora.  Aunt. 
Well this is nothing but a Flatus of the Hipocondraick, a Hurrican of Passion that will quickly blow over: her necessity will make her Strike sail to her old Lover while I make advances to ensnare the young one, he is a fine delicate well shaped person, and I effect him strangely. Ah! those charming dew eux they are most lusciously ingageing. And why may not I like a lucky Bowler Strike out my young Mistress and lodge in her place; or at least in the way of preferment. She has so glutted and palled his appetite with her repeated fulsome kindness, while wisdom should keep them hungry to prize loves Banquet, all honey moons soon cloy with the repeated treat, Chapon boulie, (as the French Proverb says) is not always welcome. I have seen a horse up to the eyes in fresh pasture, break through a dangerous hedge for worse. I love such a rambler that in his return like a springtide covets all: a fresh Countenance gives fresh Courage to the Encounter. Exit.  SCENE, the Park. Enter Frank Fox. Fr. 
This young widow Friendly's Sister, is a most Beautiful delicious Creature, in the Blossom of her youth and much improved since I saw her, of a most noble, proper, charming Shape and Mein: And like a Melon just ready, of an inviting Eye, an engaging Face; Composed with all Modesty: That while it stays you to Gaze an admire; it proudly bids you keep your awful Distance? If her reservedness would admit of a lighter Mixture of Humour like that Free, Airy, Sharp Poignant Conversation of my Masked Mistress: She would be unparalleled. But what if this Park Lady should prove no Shame of the Bristol Rock, but a real Diamond of a Considerable Charact. Then She will outweigh all Competition: These two Loadstones do so strongly Attract my Heart. That (like Mahomet's Iron-Coffin) I am poised & supported in the Air between Both: I wish Fate would quickly decide my Fortune. For now I am too rich in Imagination.  Enter Lady Wary. 
Oh madam you are come luckily to decide the Controversy!  La. 
I find you alone! how can you differ with yourself? But however you appeal to a very weak Judge.  Fr. 
I know your Honour; and cannot doubt, you will be Biased by Interest: Madam you have shown yourself a Prophetess: For it is fallen out just as you foretold. I dined this day with a Rich, young Widow, just come to Town. Handsome to a Miracle, with all the freshness of the Country Air in her Face: and as Beautiful as a Rose newly blown: If your Idea had not worked strongly in my mind, and retained me in due Obedience, I had professed myself her Lover and Adorer.  La. 
I am like to have a hopeful Servant of you, that are always provided with a Dispensing power in your Sleeve, against all former engagements, and obligations: If your inconstancy should have left my poor Heart in the Lurch after you had fooled it, into a paradise of Fancies. I should have been in a fine Condition.  Fr. 
If her Beauty Conquers, and leads me Captive, How can I resist or help it. You ought in time to Discover your Charming Face, and reclaim my wavering Heart: For Adoration which only dwells in an Airy vest of Contemplation, will quickly vanish; without it be fixed upon some outward visible Object: Fancy is but a Camelion-Diet, and cannot support itself, without some fit matter to prey upon. How can I confirm my allegiance to you, that it is possible owes it already to another.  La. 
For that you have my word already. And I have more reason to suspect your promise. Come tell me truly: Did you not Court this fair young Widow?  Fr. 
No faith: not at all. But I was civil as became my Respects to her Quality!  La. 
Did you not say some fine charming thing, which won upon her? tell the Truth upon Honour and I'll forgive you.  Fr. 
I rather believe she thought me an insensible Blockhead, that had so little to say on so fair a subject and occasion; and so kind and gracious Invitation! Well Madam, if you know any Impediment, why I cannot be Successful in my Addresses to you? It would be Infinitely kind to discharge me, ere I Engage my heart too far; which will oblige me in honour never to retreat on foot, but push on Victory, by most furious attacks, Mines, and Countermines! And study Stratagems of war to bring you to a speedy Surrender!  La. 
You think I am a very faint-hearted Warrior to talk of Capitulation. Before you have drawn down your great Guns, or Mounted your standing Battery.  Fr. 
I am at present a Soldier of Fortune, quite out of employment, I was born to be continually in action, but if I should admit a habit of Laziness, it might corrupt my youth and turn to a Disease.  La. 
There's no Danger; you that have been accustomed to these French Engagements. But Caution should view the ground and provide against a treacherous Ambush, which has disabled many from future Service, and take care to make you pass a Quarentine of health: before admitted to so dangerous Conversation: And if once I discover your fickle Temper, that cannot defer your prying Curiosity a moment, I shall be glad I have so soon found out your humour, and will not envy my Country Rival, such a Conquest, detesting that ungrateful man, that could so easily forget his promise, and engagements: Without pride, or Vanity, I can boast myself, her Equal in Fortune, my Reputation without a Blemish— And for my Face, I must leave it to Judgement. Tho' if my Glass and Friends have not Flattered me, it may pass muster. I do not desire to be hunted by pretenders: I hate the persecution of such Fops: yet doubt not, but my Eyes have Luster and Vigour enough to warm one single heart, and make myself happy in his only Friendship: For your further pretensions, I resign 'em wholly to your own Dispose.  Fr. 
Madam, I entirely submit till your pleasure shall remove that Cloud that Eclipses your brighter Beams. Nor will I saucily inquire a Reason.  She gives him her hand. La. 
Well Sir your pardon's Sealed and meet me here to morrow. kisses her hand.  
Then I'll unveil this Curtain to your sight,  
And Clear all doubts before to Morrow Hight. Exeunt.  SCENE, Covent-Garden. Enter Plot Scardevil and Fulham, the two last disguised. Plot. 
All things are now agreed and Settled you have your full Instructions  Scar. 
I'll warrant ye we won't fail a tittle in the Execution.  Ful. 
This Plot is so well laid it cannot miss.  Scar. 
We want our chief Engineer, young Fox.  Plot. 
He'll meet us on the Spot, Sir Worldly stays within expecting the Coach from Sir Noisy. All things are fixed— Gentlemen, I doubt not you come here to serve your Friend with Secrecy and Caution. There needs no Scruple, since all care is taken none but ourselves are privy. You Scaredevil shall take the reigns of Government, and in a feigned shape and voice deliver your Message to Sir Worldly—  Scar. 
I'll do't, I have long since been versed in the Coachman's art for the sake of a fair Mistress I enjoyed under that disguise.  Plot. 
I'll see him in the Coach, then haste in my disguise to play the Ruffian.  Scar. 
Every man to his Post— away— Smaks his whip. Exeunt.  SCENE, the Chamber. Enter Aunt. Aunt. 
I expect my Nieces Gallant here every moment, and I will try my utmost art to captivate, his fancy in the mean while. I'll practise o'er my Airs, and postures.  She pulls out her Glass, makes faces and practices in it. 
That Smile was very taking and becoming—  
That Glance was sharp and killing— Just like an arrow from a Parthian Bow—  
That Rolling eye Surveys all at one Motion, and Cries have at you all—  
That enticing damnable Leer, is most engaging, and serves to fly a Lover to a Mark—  
That grave affected look with the feigned accent of the Voice, is ravishing—  
Those Languishing Eyes enchant a heart—  
But when you would Inspire and shoot the Spirit of Love, than Ogle him thus— Steadfastly— look babies in his eyes, fetch a deep sigh, and gripe his hand; Then leave and gaze upon him, and say some fine soft thing, or use some toyish wagish Action— thus—  
That Palpitation of the breast is moving—  
When a witty Smutty jest is broke that admits a double construction, Cover your Face with your Fan, stifle a laugh as forced by the Conceit—  
So much for this time.—  puts up her Glass. 
But this Dress does not set off—  
The nasty vapours of this Dunghill Town, darkens my Complexion into a languid paleness, and then 'tis just to waken the Roses— But nasty whitewash stinks like the Devil Foh— If I miss him now, I'll to his levy to morrow, and try if I can rouse him to honourable Satisfaction.  Exit. Enter Fra. Plot, Scar. and Fulham. in a lone house. Scar. 
We have secured the old Lion fast in the Toil, and threatened him sufficient with the Bowstring, and will leave the rest to your own management. If there be occasion you will find us at the Rose. We make no Articles with you who have already redeemed us: but leave it frankly to your own discretion.  Fr. 
For this job, I'll secure you each a hundred. And if the Match with the Knight take, one hundred more.  Ful. 
We hope for a good Market with him before we've done.  Fr. 
We are your fellow labourers, and one hand must wash an other We expect but 500 l. ready, which we know where to take in a Casting net. For Bonds and Bills they are a Chip in Porridge.  Scar. 
Well, Speed the Blow Gentlemen. Exeunt Scar. and Ful.  Fr. 
Now we have secured him to our sole management in this Loan new-Built unfurnished house, far enough from all neighbours: Put the matter home to him in your feigned hollow Counterfeit voice, make him Dispatch the order for the thousand Guinneas: I know his strong Box will bleed that Sum. Which will do my Business, without smoke or further trouble, and redeem all.  Plot. 
I would have you appear in their two several shapes: It will Terrify the more, as if they were present: I have already Given him the proposal: Are you secure of our two Friends the Co-operators?  Fr. 
I have known 'em sufficiently: Neither of 'em, but would suffer the Rack, ere they would reveal a Syllable, if they should Think of muttering a word, they would betray themselves to no purpose: And be whooted like Owls into the wild Desert. I have known some of them trusted with money, would have given the slip; but I never knew any of 'em betray the life of a Friend, That were to dishonour themselves and starve. These are a sort of Bravoes, that never leave their Engagement unperformed; And fear neither man nor Devil: But religiously keep their words to a Tittle: And support themselves on that sort of Reputation: And never Boggle through fear, but are staunch to in the main.  Plot 
We'll in and see how the physic works with the old man. Exeunt.  The SCENE, draws and discovers Sir Worldly bound in a Chair. in the house. Sir Worl. 
What cursed luck have I had, to be Trappaned and picked up for Hawks meat, and forced to this unreasonable Composition of a thousand Guinneas for my Discharge, or lose my Life, and leave my whole estate a windfall to my Ungracious Son? Well, I am the willinger to comply, because it satisfies me, He had no hand in it: He might Draw the knot and secure it all to himself at once— There is no trifling with Destiny. I must send to Plot to pay the money out of my Scrutore— But this must be accomplished ere I can have my Liberty— I am fast in the Trap, and a man will hazard all to save his Life. Knocks on the Table. Re-enter Fr. and Plot disguised Well Gentlemen I have considered on your unreasonable proposal! And if I could find a way to raise the money: what Caution can you give me for my freedom?  Plot. 
We are Men of Honour, and live by keeping our words: you having done your part, shall immediately be set at Liberty: Dispatch— your life depends upon your Resolution. Do not Trifle when all's at Stake, we'd rather have your money then your blood. But one of 'em, we have Sworn to take within this hour.  Sir Wor. 
I'll write, where it shall be complied with, and send my Key and a Token: Give me Pen and Ink.  Plot. 
Here Sir, Write Effectually, for your own sake: that we may have no further trouble.  Sir Wor. 
I will.  Plot 
then we'll conduct you hoodwinked from this place, and leave you free in the open field.  The SCENE shuts and changes to the Rose Tavern. Enter Sir Noisy, Scaredevil, Fulham. Sir Nois. 
Welcome my Brace of Worthies Castor and Pollux: where both shine bright and fair, no storm can hurt: Welcome my Bullies of the Land and Sea: now you have changed your Hues and Shapes, you smell no more of Gunpowder, He of Tar; Here's to the brave Youths are gone to serve the French abroad: They have Culled and stripped the Root and Branch of Covent-Garden: for their Service; and made a Nosegay of those Rank weeds: I wish some of our old Scowerers here: The Watch and Beadles finding our forces weak, begin to insult: And drive us to our Trenches!  Scar. 
You shall Command us Sir to Scour these rusty Halberds from the Parade: And fix our Standard up in Triumph!  Sir Nois. 
My noble Friends! and hardy men of mettle, I shall be proud to join in the Detachment: Here's to the Mistresses of our young Warriors: whether they tread the Stage, or mewed up Close, secured with Lock and key, till the return of their loved Paramours, That they may meet 'em with Limbs safe and Sound, by no French hurt Disabled from performance.  Scar. 
To you the Lady's Sir are much beholding: who comfort them in absence of their Friends: Their not so dull, but they return your kindness.  Sir Nois. 
My Thoughts are only fixed on noble Game. And scorn the abject offer of the Stage: or Herd of Trading Mercenary Misses; I have enjoyed where Peers have missed their Aim.  

Oh! There's a Difference▪ twixt brisk noble Blood  
And the Dull offspring of the Dunghill Brood.   Ful. 
But we who claim our Birth from humble Shrubs may Sport under the shadow of the Cedar, and sometimes hope to get a happy windfall.  Scar. 
Here is a high health to every worthy Lady disdaining to debar her noble Person: to the Embrace of any but her equal: In Merit, Birth, and rich accomplishments.  Sir Nois. 
Agreed, and to those noble Courteous Ladies love a good turn when 'tis Discreetly offered: who wipe their mouth and say no harm is done; How I despise the base and Common Game: Wild-foul and Venison in the Blood takes me.  Scar. 
I am for a frolic too and would venture hard for a dainty Bit: But if a man is once taken within the forbidden purleius of the Law: He often pays more than his Skin is worth for his Ransom; I am not for breaking into great men's enclosures: Coursing these Fera Nature. These open Diversions of the Field, is lawful; without running the hazard of breaking one's neck into one of these dangerous pitfalls, which I avoid and detest: Deer that run Wild in the Forest show more-sport, and are better Breathed, than what is Cooped up within a Narrow Pale, or pinfold. 'tis not the meat. but 'tis the stomach got by Exercise makes the pleasure of Eating: A clean Country Lass worked up into good humuur shows more Diversion, than the proud Stall-fed Lady of the Court: Who will make you wait her leisure! while she is pleasing herself with some smooth Page or some such insignificant utensil.  Sir. Nois. 
Every man to his Delight, and Pleasure; one man's fancy must not be a Rule or Guide to sway others Judgement: And Gentlemen Here's to your Cheap Diversion with your next well breathed Country Milkmaid.  laughs and drinks. Scar. 
With all my heart: Why Sir, do you think the Blessings of nature are the less to be valued for being cheap, and common? The Sun, who is the light and life of the World; And the common Air wherein we breath, cost us nothing, yet chiefly to be valued above All other Enjoyments: without which we cannot subsist one moment! 'Tis our Folly often pays extravagant dear, for these unnescessary Delights.  Ful. 
Let's wave this Argument, and not wear it thread bare and while we have ease and leisure value our own happiness, indulging ourselves under our Vines and figtrees at the Fountain head the Rose, Crowned with a Nosegay of rare Wines, Choice Music and the bright Sparkling Eyes of the kind Damosels, rather than be soused and Pickled in a Storm for Months together, without hopes of seeing Land: Eating Sea-beefe and biscuit, with many a cold gulp of stinking Water, mixed with Beveredge for Consolation.  Scar. 
Or to be houseed, and caseed up in Canvas in the Camp, sweating in the Summer like a hothouse: Or after a hard tedious March for want of the Baggage stretch on the cold ground without a Canopy, and wake in the Morning with our limbs frozen like a dishclout. A Country Tapster with his Lasses about him, leads a life like the Grand Signior in his Seraglio.  Sir Nois. 
It makes me sigh at my misfortune, that I whom the World must own for so eminent a Virtuoso, so well read in Men and Manners, so great a Philosopher, Mathematition, ginger, Lawyer, State's men, Painter, Architect and so able a Casuist: I might have out rivaled the greatest Generals, both by Sea and Land: had not the Inchantin of the Ladies stopped me in the Career of my Honourable designs.  Ful. 
Their softness oft disarms the bravest Spirits, and makes them like Hercules exchange their awful Club for a distaff.  Sir Nois. 
Ay, this spurs on my Revenge upon both Sexes, for Heaven be thanked I am not much guilty of good nature that is the blind side of a man. And where I find a Lady holds a fair unspotted Reputation, I insinuate myself into her Conversation, and by my confident behaviour persuade the world I have a great Interest in her: and never leave, till I have fixed a Scandal upon her which I Industriously promote and spread: and this pleases me far better than Bestial Enjoyment.  Scar. 
But this humour may bring Quarrels upon you.  Sir Nois. 
No not at all: for I can work it in such a sly manner the Fools never perceive it, or if they do I can forswear at a pinch, or place it upon some woman that shall be nameless, or upon some great Person shall be passed their finding out: with whom I can play the Pimp or the Parasite, and having wrought him into a belief of my honesty and sincerity, I easily win on the unguarded hearts of his nearest Relations, whither Wife, Sister, or Mistress; (which way my Talent closely lies) To which purpose I have already qualified myself with all the Romances extant, whither Greek, Latin, Italian, French or Spanish: And write a Billet deux to a Miracle: I can unriddle the most Occult Cipher: and where a Knotty Case is started, I have a Spirit of wrangling will never be convinced, and weary them by my Subtle distinctions till I make them knock under the Table. And if it had not been for my cursed lame Leg at the University, I had writ a Critic on all the Classic Authors.  Sca. 
The World is to sensible of your Prodigious Parts.  Sir Nois. 
I 'tis that gives an Alarm to the World and makes them afraid to trust me, for if I were once brought in to Play they would be glad to Court me. But now I resolve seriously to apply myself to Business, and have laid the Scene to be chosen in a Country Town, where I have already drunk up the Cuckolds, and entertained their Wives at a Ball; who were ravished with my Dancing, and praised my handsome Foot and Leg I Gad.  Sca. 
Sir Noisy heres to that; and all the Appurtenances: and that it may always bear away the Bell. drinks.  Ful. 
He's drunk already— ●int the discourse of Box and Dice. aside.  Sca. 
Sir Noisy you are a great Virtuoso and understand the frail die and Tackle: We are just come over raw, and it would be a great favour if you would communicate your Knowledge?  Sir Nois. 
I'll do it with all my heart— And while the Boy fetches the Dice, I'll tell you how I bit an old Cavaleir that had been a deep Bubler in his time; I carried him to my house, and denied him to his Wife, was upon the Hunt for fear of me: I out watch him and played him Blind, and then managed him at my one discretion— Oh here comes the Drawer, sit down and I'll show you clever management which is not yet divulged— Pray Gentlemen keep it private for your own sakes, the Drawer gives him the Box they sit down he throws. how do you like this? this will pass.  Sca. 
Most securely— we will practise it at more leisure, this will win a mint of Money.  Ful. 
Here we have the Tower of London to a Turnip. Here's your health.  Sca. 
He gins to Totter, souse him deep with the other Bumper.  [gives Sir Noisy the glass, who lets it fall and sinks down in the Chair.] Ful. 
This last pull has overset the Bell— he is now grown past the Knowledge of Box and Dice.  Sca. 
No matter let's rattle the Box and Dice a while to put off, and Quarrel as at deep play— Come Sir Noisy set deep— keep the door shut and it will prove the same thing.  Ful. 
But he's fast a sleep how shall we win the Money.  Sca. 
That we have done already by dint of Drinking, let me alone to face him down we did it fairly— I'm sure he never dares to contradict it— Now Fulham speak in thy heart if this is not as fair away as thy false Dice— come let's be impudent and share it before his Face, 'tis something above fourscore Guinneas, there's forty for you— the rest I'll be Accountable for— knocks. Enter Drawer. what's to pay?—  Draw. 
I'll fetch a Bill—  Ful. 
You ought to pay Sir, you have stripped Sir Noisy and myself.  Re-enter Drawer. Scar. 
This was a Lucky hand— what's a Clock Drawer?  Draw. 
'Tis now just Three?  Scar. 
There's your Bill, and a Guinnea for your waiting: Dispose Sir Noisy on a Bed within, while we chastise our Bodies on the Chairs till morning. The Scene shuts.  SCENE, Sir Worldly's House. Enter Sir Worldly and Plot. Sir Wor. 
Did you pay the one thousand Guinneas I ordered you by Note?  Plot. 
I did Sir, and here's your Keys.  Sir Wor. 
'Tis well.  Plot. 
A Woman waits to speak with you without.  Sir Wor. 
Send her in— To what end should I discompose myself, and pull off the Remainder of my hair for madness: As if my Baldness could recompense my Loss? No, I'll digest it calmly: And set it down as a punishment for my Sins and Folly, and bar the Door against a further mischief.  Enter his Woman. Wom. 
Sir I come to wait upon you, according to my Duty, and acquaint you I have found some great Disorders at your house. I have observed a young Gentleman frequent it, and privately admitted, and dressed Suppers, of which I fancied he eat part. Yesterday my young Lady came home in man's Clothes with another Lady; And other persons, now frequent the house. Her Aunt tricks herself up like a Lady, Painted, Perfumed and Patched.  Sir Wor. 
For me to ask a reason, would but betray my weakness unto their sham's and Follies: I'll pry into the matter, and resolve myself. If She proves false: I'll hate myself, and quite forsake all womens' Conversation. aside. To morrow about Eight I will disguise myself in the habit of a Seaman: And steal out of my back Door: And visit you as your Brother, just come from Sea, by that means, I undiscerned; shall discover all: Here, take this Guinnea for your Diligence, and wait me at home— Exeunt.  Plot. 
I wonder to see him bear the Loss of his money so patiently! But he's a Philosopher! I have overheard all their Discourse, and this new Design; which I must prevent, or Sir Noisy's Marriage with the Niece will miscarry [Studies] I have it— Fullham and some of the Tars shall press him as a Seaman on Board. And there secure him till the Business is over; It shall be so, I'll presently about it.  

Since the old Fox resolves to undermine  
My Counterplot Shall Baffle his Design. Ex.   
The End of the Third Act.   

ACT. IU.  SCENE, The Rose-Tavern; discovers Scaredevil, and Fulham asleep on the Chairs. Scar. wakes and rises. Scar. 
THis hard lodging makes a man woundy amorous, I wish fortune would oblige me a kind Mistress next my heart, I would so welcome her; but time will provide all things for the accommodation of the Industrous— [Knocks] Come Fullham shake your ears, and rise you Sluggard; you see the morning Smiles and promises a lucky day.  Ful. 
Prithee do not wake me from my pleasant dream.  Scar. 
Arise you slugard, for we have money now, to turn idle dreams into real Enjoyments. Enter Drawer. Is Sir Noisy awake.  Draw. 
This alarm has roused him. I'll up and see what he wants.  Scarborow 
Do, and get us a cold Tankard of Rambowse, and we will have a further Consideration of your diligence.  Draw. 
Sir, I fly to serve you. Exit Draw.  Scar. 
What think you if we dash the Tankard with a lusty dram of Cool Nantz? 'twill raise his mettle, keep up his Spirits, and make the Match we design, go down the Glibber.  Ful. 
Well thought on. I'll send a Porter for a Pint, and prime it in an instant.  Enter Sir Noisy. Scar. 
Sir Noisy, how did your Champagne work with you last night?  Sir Nois. 
It proved stronger than I imagined and makes me spit Cobwebs this Morning.  Ful. 
What was in your mind to propose play, I lost my stock out of pure complaisance. This Blundering Scaredevil has run a stock by that means; pox out I have dearly welcomed him on Shore.  Scar. 
Yes faith; Chance has been kinder to me then was her Custom, and I hope this glimpse of fortune, would prove a lucky omen to my future undertakings. I never saw Sir Noisy so eagar of Play. At first he run deep into my stock. But I rallied and routed him horse and foot, and brought off his Watch for a Trophy at ten Guinneas.  Enter Drawer with the Tankard. Sir Nois. 
Sirrah! Did I play last night?  Draw. 
Yes Sir I heard the Box and Dice at work a long time.  Sir Nois. 
Well 'tis no great Matter, 'twas only the money I picked up at the ordinary, and for my watch I'll pay you the ten Guinneas upon demand.  Scar. 
Your word's sufficient— is the Tankard ready.  Ful. 
'Tis Cocked and Primed.  Scar. 
Sir Noisy here's your health— about with it Fullham.  Ful. 
ay, here's some virtue in this, 'tis good to restore and comfort the noble parts.  Sir. Nois. 
Give me the Tankard, I'll take a lusty draught who would not be drunk over night for the satisfaction of a cool Morning's draught? Oh how it hizes as it goes down, but I'll have the other bout.  Ful. 
I'll warrant you this will put you in good humour. Oh for a kind wench to rub us down after this hard exercise.  Sir Nois. 
No, my thoughts are Elevated above so vile a Contemplation, they are but trash and rubbish: I have found out a Constellation of most transcendent Beauties, 'tis but looking out sharp and you may Compass a Duchess, as soon as an orange-wench: But you must take greater Caution lest it be smoked: Quality invites with a greater life and Gustoe. I have lately enjoyed a Beauty of Women of the highest Rank and degree.  Ful. 
Now it begins to work. aside.  Scar. 
You carry the Matter very slily and like White Powder hit the mark without Noise. You are no open Courtier, no haunter of the Playhouse, or Drawing-room; what Art have you to bring these Ladies to the Lure, of sure you must walk in an invisible Cloak.  Sir Nois. 
When I meet the ravishing Beauties in the Mall, Basset-Table, or elsewhere: I make no application in Public, because of the niceness of their Reputation, but I fly them to a mark with my eye, and by the help of a female friend clap Salt on their Tail, and the business is done. For they are easily persuaded to meet so able a performer, one that can give so ample satisfaction. My name's up I gad, and now I may lie a-bed and have Chamber practise more than I can turn my hand to.  Ful. 
Doubtless all the world is sensible of your great abilities.  Scar. 
We will petition, to be taken in as assistants and Coadjuters in the School of Venus.  Sir Nois. 
Quality is too Nice to admit of Rivals, it is a Jewel of value, and must not be Sullied with profane hands. There is a pleasure, and a Gustoe in it, delights nice and generous Palates; and what would a man balk for his Pleasures and delight. I have known a Bully supported by a chance hit, disdain all Butcher's meat: longing for the most delicious Bits, and the choicest Wines, indulging himself in all voluptiousness: present largely to a Mistress: As if his small, and only stock, would hatch and breed in his Breeches, like Fortunatus his purse. I have seen another beg or borrow half a Crown to treat himself with a bon-Christian-Pare, though he had not wherewith left to satisfy his hunger at the threepenny Ordinary. Another that his left whole stock a Crown as earnest, for a Dogfish, went home and pawned the rest of his Equipage to furnish out the Treat. Costa que Costa I am resolved to indulge myself. Plot peeps in. What makes you here Plot.  Plot. 
I am come to find out my young Master Fox, I have a writing for him to Seal, and the Parties stay in the next Room. I thought he had been here.  Scar. 
Plot here's Sir Noisy's good health.  Plot. 
Sir your good health.— Ah Sir I wish you were provided of so good a fortune as Young Mr. Fox is like to have. He is forthwith to marry a rich Merchant's Daughter worth Threescore thousand pounds; I saw the young Girl, she is now about Seventeen: But bred up with so much foolish Modesty and Innocence, she curtsyed to the footman carried the writings. Her Aunt told her he was a Servant, she blushed and replied, she took him for some noble Person by his Laced Coat, I was ashamed to see so much Beauty so strangely bred.  Sir Nois. 
What writings are they.  Plot. 
Here young Fox Covenants, that in Consideration of her Aunt's care and pains, in her no breeding her Niece; to give her one hundred pounds for her life, for which she sells and delivers her said Niece. So Subtle Sir Worldly marrys his Son without a Penny expense, and it is possible the old Fox will cheat him of his ready money into the Bargain. But I must in and wait for his coming. Exit Plot.  Scar. 
Sir Noisy. It would be a pleasant Jest, If you should give over the pursuit of Sir Worldly's Daughter, and snap up this rich Prize; carry her down into the Country and breed her up to your own liking.  Sir Nois. 
I should say more, if I were secure of her fortune.  Scar. 
Plot's your Creature, he can tell you all: But if he joins with you, he must run the risk of being turned out of Sir Worldlys' Service, if you make him your Steward, he will have no cause to repent: 'Tis all one to the Aunt who has her, so she may be secure of the hundred pounds a year; 'tis but altering the name: Plot will bring it about.  Sir. Nois. 
But that may breed ill blood between Frank and me.  Scar. 
If you clap it up of a sudden, none will concern himself for a Woman that you have already enjoyed; besides you may say it was Plots device and you know nothing of his concern in the matter.  Sir Nois. 
Well I'll in and consult with Plot, if I find it feasible I'll Squeeze wax in Fox's place, and go through stitch. Exit.  Scar. 
This Fool will be bubbled in spite of our teeth and therefore it is reasonable we should share in the purchase.  Ful. 
Our last Job passed cleverly upon him, and I fancy he thinks he really lost his money.  Scar. 
I know I could easily persuade him. Exeunt.  Lady meeting Clarinda in her Apartment. La. 
Welcome my dearest, and my bosom friend,  
Our breeding, and our Constant Education,  
Has formed our love and humour to the same;  
Like two kind Twins each others Counterpart.  Clar. 
Few know the Joy and comfort of a friend,  
Dividing Grief, that it is scarce perceived;  
And makes the floods of Joy come double on us,  
Washing away all Sorrow.  
We were adopted Sisters from our Childhood,  
Till riper years united us to friendship.  La. 
A secret Sympathy appeared in both,  
As if one Soul informed our several Bodies,  
We writ, we speak, we thought like one another.  
Endeavouring to improve each others fancies.  Clar. 
Your riper Genius, had the mastering Power,  
On whom mine waited as a weak desciple,  
And like an echo made a faint return:  
Like our two Lutes tuned to an equal pitch  
When yours was struck, mine made a trembling motion;  
And gave a dumb consent.  
When cruel Fate did for some time divorce us  
We kept the Vestal fire of love alive  
Like a Recluse I sat and mused alone  
And on your bright Idea did Contemplate.  
Our hearts th' Epitome of nature's Book  
In which we read all with a running look.  
To Cultivate man's wit they plant and Toil,  
Which of their accord shoot in your happier Soyl.  La. 
Madam your kindness puts to great a value,  
Upon that Spirit, I but Copy from you,  
Your witty Letters of the Town affairs  
Mixed with Remark of other serious note  
Has raised your worth, and Canonised your fame  
Above the admired Sibells of this age.  
Among that Troop, my Brother does admire,  
Your Wit, your Beauty, and your manly Sense:  
Vowing had he lived in the Infant world,  
When Dowry and Portion never had a name  
But men by Constant Service proved their Love:  
His Faith and Duty had o'er come all Rivals  
And tho' as yet, he's made no formal tender  
His heart being full of love o'er flows the bounds.  Clar. 
My life and friendship are bound up with yours  
Like the firm Union of the Steel and Loadstone.  
Which move, incline, meet, and embrace each other;  
While none discern whence comes the attractive Power.  La. 
I blush to praise my Brother to my Friend  
Whose long acquaintance needs no information:  Clar. 
Your Brother's Virtue claims respect from all,  
Whose Native Gallantry in every action.  
Distinguishes his Judgement,  
But if my mind stood more indifferent to him  
Your sole Command should always Sway the Balance.  La. 
I thank you for this Grace: Our faithful friendship,  
Is like a league made by ourselves defensive  
Excluding man, would proudly make us Slaves:  
And of a gracious Lord, would prove a Tyrant.  
Like Savage Turks, exclude us heavenly bliss,  
To make our Bodies servile to their Pleasures:  
But we must stand on our prerogative,  
And make them find we still command the reigns,  
And steer them as we please.  
Should the Brute Animal once know his strength  
In vain we would restrain his headstrong will:  
While haughty men, tamely Submit, and wait;  
Upon our Pomp, and Ceremonious State;  
Present, Lie, Flatter, Weep to make us Sport:  
While we at last consent to what we else must Court.  Enter Frank, and Plot. Fra. Plot. 
I thank you for your Care and vigilence, otherwise my Dad might have disturbed and Turmoiled the whole affair, he must remain in Limbo till the Marriage with Sir Noisy is fixed, and then redeem him.  Plot. 
Sir Noisy has concluded and sealed to the Aunt, and is mustering up his Coach and Equipage to pay his first Visit: if he like her person, he will instantly marry her.  Fra. 
'Twill not be reasonable for me to appear till the Ceremony is past, than 'twill be time enough to give them Joy. Exeunt.  Enter Sir Noisy, Fulham, and Aunt, in Leonora 's Apartment. Au. 
Well Sir Noisy you have such an engaging, winning way, with you; a Woman can deny you nothing: But Really Sir Noisy you push this matter on too furiously. You must give the oor Innocent Girl, some time to prepare herself for so weighty a concern: I have hitherto kept her so Ignorant she will not guests what you mean by your addresses.  Sir Nois. 
I'll crack the Ice of her Virginty, and then carry her down into the Country instruct there by degrees at more leisure.  Au. 
Man was designed as the sole Lord and Ruler of all below: And to mould Woman like wax into what form and shape he pleases when once she has tasted of the tree in the middle of of the Garden of delight, her Eyes will be enlightened to know what's what, then she'll soon despise the toys and Baubles she once admireed.  Sir Nois. 
Let me alone to infuse Understanding into her, I am young and Vigorous.  Au. 
but that makes me afraid to commit her into your hands, she is green and tender and must not be handled to roughly: But since you resolve to bring her Maidenhead to the block: make her drink a hearty Glass of Wine, and tell her 'tis part of the Ceremony, it will raise her mettle encourage her Spirits, and make her suffer with less apprehension.  Sir Nois. 
I'll warrant you madam I will pursue your instructions.  Au. 
I doubt not but it will be infinitely for your satisfaction. Exit Au.  Sir Nois. 
I long to see this pretty Charming Creature.  Ful. 
Plot says she's very handsome and doubtless will engage your fancy: for her being Country bred (as it goes in the World) it is a great happiness. Your Polite conversation will instruct her in her duty perfectly according to your own mind and humour.  Enter Aunt, and Niece in her hand dressed like a Girl. Au. 
Come in Child, hold up your head thus fashioned— so— when was your Dancing Master here?  Leo. 
Yesterday forsooth.  Au. 
Very well Child— make this Gentleman a low Curtsy— Child this Gentleman is a worthy Knight, that your Uncle has sent hither for your Husband. You must bid him welcome. Sir Noisy salutes her.  Leo. 
Oh Lord foorsooth Aunt his Face feels as rough as a Nutmeg grater.  Au. 
But he can wipe it away with a washball, and make it as smooth as a Bowling Green.  Sir Nois. 
Mistress I am come to Court you for my Wife.  Leo. 
You are welcome as my Aunt prayed me to tell you.  Au. 
Well Child this Noble Knight is come to make you his Lady.  Leo. 
Oh Lord! Aunt forsooth what's that.  Au. 
He will lead you to a man in black, there you must say some words join hands, and be married; and than you must lie in a Bed together.  Leo. 
Oh Lord! forsooth I shall be ashamed to lie with any Body but you:  Au. 
But now I must lie with this Gentleman. pointing to Fulham. And you must leave me, and lie with this noble Knight: and he will Court you, and say obliging things, and look Babies in your Eyes, and present you with fine rich costly Jewels all Sparkling like the Stars in a a frosty Night, and you must ride up and down with him in a Coach and Six Horses, with Pages with Hats and Feathers and laced Coats, and go as fine as hands and Pins can make you, and live in Ihe Country in a great house as big as half this Town.  Leo. 
Oh dear that will be very fine, but will he be as good as his word?  Sir Nois. 
That I will, if you will kiss and Love me.  Leo. 
I'll do my best Sir.  Sir Nois. 
And I hope to please you better before you and I part.  kisses her. Leo. 
I vow Aunt he takes away my breath.  Au. 
But now you are his, he may take a greater Liberty; and you are bound to do as he would have you.  Leo. 
Nay I vow he makes me ashamed.  Sir Nois. 
My Dear! you must go with me to be Married.  Leo. 
My Dear! that's a fine Honey Sugar-candy word, you may carry me where you please.  Sir Nois. 
Well I would not have believed a pretty Woman could have been brought up in such Ignorance: Yet I perceive in her some Glimmering of Knowledge: I doubt not but I shall quickly improve her Fancy. kisses her roughly.  Exeunt, The SCENE Changes to a Ship. Enter Master, Mate, their Wives and other Seamen. Mass. 
Come my Lads, let us Crown the Table in the Dutch Fashion, that we like Ducks in warm weather may kiss and tipple our fills. In this vast Punch Bole is contained Celestial liquour: 'Tis all Prize Brandy and as true as ever came from Nantz. Guard the Bowl Boy, lest a high Sea should overset it.  Mate. 
There is no danger of smooth Water in the Thames. But I perceive Master you are already half Seas over.  Mass. 
But Drunk or sober Mate, I know my business. Place yourselves Doxies. You love to sit admiring the reflection of your Beauty in the Punch Bowl. Here's your health. drinks.  Wife. 
We return you the thanks of the Table: and we doubt not to match a Rowland to your Oliver.  Mass. 
Coxon, what Pressed men have you brought, let them appear and muster before the Women, that they may Pick and Choose.  Wife. 
Thou art a lying Knave, thou hadst rather the bread should mouldy on my hands, than I should spare a bit for Charitable uses.  Mass. 
Thine was a cut loaf, and therefore I did not expect the kissing crust: but I think I had best to lock it up and put you to short Allowance.  Wife. 
Where every man carries a picklock about him how can you secure it, except I stand Sentry.  Mass. 
I wish I were the richest Cuckold that ever trod the Exchange.  Wife. 
I doubt not that would advance your Fortune, as high as Cuckold's point.  Mass. 
I hate these skulking Rogues that hide themselves from the King's Service.  Mate. 
'Tis a base quality, but they have generally a tenderness for life and would avoid broken Bones; since they can get better pay in a Merchant man or a Collier.  Mass. 
For my part I always cry neck or nothing, the King loves no Cripples.  Coxon, brings in the Pressed men, and with them Sir Worldly disguised. Cox. 
This Rogue to save his Bacon lodged in a Conduit upon straw.  Mass. 
If such a cold Lodging agrees with his Constitution he shall have no Punch to warm it, but you may give him a kick to stir his Blood.  Cox. 
This great He-Whore, I found in Essex at harvest in Petticoats; his fellow labourers the wenches, were loath to part with their freehold, having found the sweetness of his Temper. One Jayd hung about him like the Jackanapes on the horse, at the Bear-garden; But would not for the delights of her body venture her Carcase on board. This Rogue, I found with a wench just going to be married. She down of her knees that the Ceremony might proceed, that the parish might have tittle to keep the next Bastard. I had patience till the Job was over, drove him on board, and Consummated myself. This fellow a Brickmaker, was set to me by his Wife in a passion: But when she found he was going, she would have pawned her Child's whistle to have redeemed her plaything: But he gave her a kick and bid her look after her kids, for now the King had made him free and bid adieu to his Slavery, resolving he would no longer make brick without Straw.  Mas. 
Here Sirrah here's a cup of Punch for your noble resolution. What fellow's that in the Whiskers— pointing to Sir Worldly.  Cox. 
He was taken by our Lieutenant and delivered with Special orders not to be parted with till he came.  Mass. 
Then I suppose he knows him for 〈…〉 of moment. Make room come sit down Whiskers.  Sir Wor. 
I thank you Sir, better here then among the lousy Seamen.  Mas. 
You are welcome on board, here's my Leiutenants' health in pure Nantz Brandy as ever was tipped Supernaculum. What does he Scruple it, you must know a Bumper of Punch is your Garnish on board, and must be paid here as well as in the Counter, I suppose Brother you can take Charge to the Norward.  Sir Wor. 
I beg your pardon, I am a stranger to these matters.  Mas. 
That won't serve your turn. here's our Captain's health.  Sir Wor. 
I have a weak head and you must hold me excused  Mas. 
By that fine expression, I know this fellow is a Land-lubber and I will take pleasure to use him as such a dog deserves. What Scruple our Captain's health? [Whistles] Toss me up a dozen of hands and lay this Recusant over the breech of a Gun, and give him a lusty Coptee, and while his breech is warm, plant him in the Bilbows, there let him be forth coming at the return of my Lieutenant.  Sir Wor. 
Better sit quietly in the Stocks, then be drunk in such Swinish Company. Exit Sir Worldly and the Crew of Seamen.  Mas. 
Come let the health pass.  Mate 
Will a Goose Swim Oh Master what Storms you and I have been in, that was a blusterer cast us away on the Coast of Holland.  Mas. 
Pox on't that was but a flea-bites to what I have seen, I have been Tossed on the Cape of good hope, where at every send of a Sea, I could have touched the Moon with my finger, and at the next have pulled the devil up by the pate: The hugest Mountains have looked like Warts, and the Peak of Tenariff like a Sugarloaf. In the Dreadnongh, a Thunderbolt split our Main mast, and a flash of lightning fired me a Pipe of Tobacco, a Sulphurous cloud of fire rolled round the deck, and I swept it off with the Swab. The poor Master looked as pale as a clout, half dead and frozen with fear. I took the whipstaff out of his hand and steered her to a Cow's thumb. I have been in a storm when to lighten the Ship we have threw Gold and Silver overboard by wholesale, as much as would have ransomed the King God bless him, yet the hard hearted Sea roared the louder for more: I was more troubled with a fellow came from Rome, that would have preserved some Agnus dei's, Relics and other precious trinkets, which he reserved for a London Market, I ordered them to be thrown overboard together, which presently decided the difference and made it plainly appear his moveables were of less value than his life: I told him when he was on shore he might find Ingenious Artists would easily repair the damage if he had the grace to vouch they came from Rome. And so Gentlemen have among you blind harpers. drinks.  Mate. 
Our Master would monopolise the trade of lying, but I will put in for my snack. [aside.] I once Sailed with a grave Spaniard who in a great Storm invoked the Virgin at Loretta, by the sweetest kindest obliging Saints names that I expected to have seen her appear, and strokeing his beard with great gravity, complemented the Sea at such a rate as made the by standers laugh. Oh thou most mild and Gentle Sea! Oh thou most Noble Rich and Generous Sea! Oh thou most comely fair swelling Sea! Let us prevale with thee, to assuage thy mighty billows and become more calm and temperate: Casting away his obliging expressions on the deaf Boisterous Waves. He vowed to the fair Lady if she would set him safe on Land, he would light up a torch to her glory bigger than the Monument in London. I touch him with my elbow to mind him, he was not to extravagant in his promises. But he whispered me she was a good Lady and if he once got on dry Ground, she would accept of a farthing Candle in full satisfaction. The Company was divided into several Cabals, and every one was devoute in his own way. Some sung Psalms and Hymns: some accosted their several Saints some were muttering of Spells which they thought more available, but few or none addressed themselves to him that they were sure had power to help them.  Mas. 
Mate you are in a Comical humour— Suck your face you Baggage or else you shall never be welcome to a dram of the Bottle.  Wife. 
Wherever you hide it, I will never sleep till I have my fill of it.  Mas. 
Why you Jade do you think I'll make his Majesties Catch a Bawdy-house.  Wife. 
What need you scruple that, when it has been done before hand by your betters.  Mas. 
How do you know that, you Cockatrice? Scatter no words I say.  Wife. 
By hear-say my dear.  Mas. 
Oh 'tis well your come off, or else honour would have divorced me till the return of the next Voyage. But if at my coming home after a two years' voyage I find you ready to fall on Sunder, the Parish shall keep its own Children, but at present I pass by the last Brat.  
Here are a sort of Fiddlers aboard, bring them out, and let them rub out their Guts for my diversion, and let the Rascals sing us a Song, that the Punch may trole down to some tune. The force of this great Bomb has blown off some of our Bull dogs, but we'll fall on with a new detachment, and sound the bottom ere we part. They sing a Sea Song. This was made by one that understood plain Sailing, and Ship shape. My deer let some of the inferior women come in and divert us with a Dance: But let me not see a face that is not drunk as any in the great Cabin.  Wife 
Never trouble yourself, I'll warrant you they have not been Idle  Mas. 
Go muster the Buttocks, I make you the Mistress of my Ceremonies, while I sit here in State, here Cockatrice your health— I am resolved to get you with Child this night, and then none can injure my love in my absence.  Wife. 
And when I have my owner's goods on board, I can pick up what Passengers I please.  Mas. 
Go to, you're a pert baggage, get them together while I sit here to be diverted and smoke a pipe.  Enter the Seamen and their Wives dance awkardly as being drunk, and fancying the hee'les on one side as in a gale of Wind: At the end of the Dance, Enter the Lieutenant, and Plot. The Bote-swaine whistles and with his Cat of nine tails drives them all of the Stage. The Lieutenant brings back the Master's Wife. Lieu. 
I have some Friends to come on Board and design to treat them chere-intier, and now you are to drunk for Business.  Wife. 
I'll warrant you Sir, I can mind the main chance I will instantly on shore, and and summon in all the young Jolly handsome Seman's Wives that do all for Love.  Lieu. 
Let them be Young and sound, and no man on our part shall engage, till he has passed your examination and has allowed him practic. If you put one rotten Egg upon us, we'll see you keele-hald for our diversion.  Wife. 
If I deceive you I'm ready to undergo that discipline. Exit.  Lieu. 
Sir I have ordered your Prest-man to be delivered you. to Plot.  Plot. 
I thank you Sir, and am your humble Servant. Exeunt.  Enter Aunt. Au. 
Well they are Married and the Lusty Knight will to bed in a moment: This sort of diversion puts odd fancy's in my head: And since young Fox is so full Gorged, he will not stoop to the Lure, I will drive the Nail where it will go. This Fulham is a lusty handsome proper Fellow. He is rough and bousterous, and will quickly humble a Woman, without harkening to Capitulations: Besides he has a great hand with Sir Noisy: and if he and I should set our Horses together, we could manage him as we please.  Enter Fulham. Ful. 
I just parted with Sir Noisy, and drank a Stirrup cup to his good Journey, by this time he's mounted.  Au. 
I'll warrant you are Sorry you are out of Employment?  Ful. 
That might quickly be if you pleased. 'Tis merry in the Hall, when Beards wag all; You look too Charming for an Aunt I should have taken you for a Maid.  Au. 
Sure you think Ten years between my Niece, and me; has wrought strange alterations.  Ful. 
Your Beauty like the purest Gold oft tried  
Does from Love's Furnace rise more puryfyed:  
While Youth is mixed with follies gross allay  
Without some grains will never pass in pay.  
Like fresh green wood averse unto Love's fire,  
By slow degrees is warmed into desire;  
Whereas as the Jolly well experienced Dame,  
Pays Love for Love and Triumphs in the Flame.  
Youth like the Dog-Star burns beneath the Line,  
While riper Years make a more temperate Clime.  
And like new Wine enrages boiling Blood,  
But when grown fine by Age, grows safe and good.  Au. 
Your Reason is very Powerful and I am charmed with your Conversation: Your so like my first dear Love, that I am ravished with your Company.  Ful. 
my heart is inflamed with your Beauty: this fair opportunity makes a Thief, and I am to blame if I do not plunder a kiss. kisses her.  Au. 
You cannot Robb another of what she is willing to bestow: I look on you as Sir Noisy's Friend, and therefore may safely commit my Honour into your hands; and I know you Scorn to take this opportunity to be rude.  Ful. 
Not except you force me to it.  Au. 
Force me then I defy you.  Ful. 
So I thought. aside.  Au. 
But I would have you to know, I have hitherto lived in the World without Scandal: and will spit in any man's Face will offer an unhandsome thing to me.  Ful. 
Then you are welcome to spit in mine, for I must make bold.  Au. 
Nay do not be uncivil I charge you in the King's Name, If you should force me I can hang you.  Ful. 
That would be but an unkind return to one that vows your service, but if it must be come doleful Death. kisses her.  Au. 
I see by your Eyes you have some wicked design upon my Honour, but I will not stir one Foot into the next room.  [Kisses her and lays hand of the Chain about her Neck.] Ful. 
Nay hold, now I have you fast by the Chain you shall go, and if you force me to break it, I'll carry it to the Tavern and melt it down for Consolation.  Au. 
Why you treacherous Villain! you will not make use of this advantage to rob me of my Honour? Well I vow I'll be revenged.  Ful. 
If I do not please you, hang me and spare not.  Au. 
Well let the Stars bear witness I am Innocent of this Folly, forced like an Ox to the Slaughter, and hamper▪ d like a Bird in a snare. And now I defy your baseness— do your worst.  Ful. 
So I will in an honourable way.  Au. 
Nay I vow I'll cry out. Sir Noisy, Sir Noisy, Sir Noisy. I am quite spent with Straining my Voice, Oh! thou base Fellow! I'll bawl so loud the Neighbours shall hear me, except you stop my mouth with your handkerchief.  Ful. 
I gad and that was well thought off. puts his handkerchief in her mouth▪ Now I think I have secured all and can command you as a Spider does a fly engaged in her Cobwebb. Come along Lady. [she holds the handkerchief in her mouth and cries hum— hum— while he drags her off the Stage by the Chain.]  Exeunt. 
The End of the Fourth Act.   

ACT. V.  SCENE, the Park. Enter Lady, and Clarinda. La. 
I Am well pleased with your contrivance to free yourself from that Impudent pretender Sir Noisy Parrot, who having got your Father's Approbation thought to invade and carry you by right of Conquest. Parents should strive to win our minds, by fair, and gentle Methods: and not force their children's Inclinations like ridged Tyrants.  Cla. 
But Madam I must beg if he should return to plague me, you will lend your assistance to laugh him out of Countenance?  La. 
That I will, and engage if ever he be so audacious to return, we will drive him out of the Field. But my Friend, it will be reasonable since I so freely engage in your Quarrel, you should be my confident and assist me. I have already had two interveiws with your Brother Fox in mask unknown, and by Chance: entertained him with all Raillery and freedom. The same day he dined with my Brother and me, I changed the Copy of my countenance and received him with all gravety, he not guessing I was the Jolly Lady in the Mask: He told me at my next meeting in the Mask, my face had strangely shaken his Constancy, and pressed me to discover mine by way of Antidote: But I insisted I expected a firmer proof of his Constancy and obedience, ere I obliged him so far: and if he slighted my Conversation he was at liberty to pursue his Conquest upon my Country Rival: He submitted and vowed fidelity, and I received him into Favour: If I find him a man of strict honour and Justice, It will sooner take with me then the sparkling fancies of an airy Wit. And if he has engaged his Inclinations to the Lady in the Mask when he discovers me to be the same, it will prove a double Conquest: I will not doubt you can be unfaithful to me for the sake of a Brother when one of the same Relation has already vowed himself your Servant. And if I had discovered any unworthy Quality in him I would acquaint you with it, to avoid his pretensions.  Cla. 
My heart is now calm and even like a standing water, and I could wish it would so remain, without the Flux, and Reflux of a passionate tide agitated and driven at the mercy of the winds; sometimes rising with the floods of Joy, above the banks of moderation: and afterwards descending into the Gulf of Sorrow and despair. Fortune chains us Women like Prentices, to the will and humour of our Husbands, who must rise or fall by their care and Management; while the distracting cares of Families and Children divides our hearts, and spirits us away into remote and distant Countries and by degrees Supplant that kindness which at present governs our hearts.  La. 
The Love I owe my Husband, is a separate duty, and does not interfere with our Friendship: which like a chain firmly unites our hearts, whereon the least stroke given, is by both sensibly felt: Then let us twine our weak defenceles Vines about the arms of two strong Neighbouring Oaks, who still shall join in Friendship to support our Interest, and honour: against the Canker of all envious Tongues, where they may flourish to our wishes and still preserve our Friendship.  Cla. 
On what a ticklish ground our happiness depends, so many cares distract our choice, that Labouring fancy sits down unresolved.  La. 
Then let our Prudence steer the wisest course, and leave the rest to chance. But hold I perceive my Gallant at a distance bringing your Brother as a Spy, let's shift our walks they cannot Know our habits and I'll instruct you further. Exeunt.  Enter Frank, and Friendly. Fra. 
I beg your pardon I have trained you hither, where I expect to meet a Lady whose Wit has much engaged me. She brings a Friend or Servant with her, but keeps her face and Character still in the dark, and I would beg when you see me accost her, you draw the other Mask aside, and pump out what you can to clear my doubts of her Condition. I at this interveiw will fix the Matter or break of further Correspondence, and bring you as a witness. Had not I been engaged in this blind Business, I had paid homage to your Sister's Eyes, whose Beauty and reservedness charmed me strangely for whom I own a most profound respect, and cannot make a tender of my Service, while this Intrigue depends.  Frein. 
Sir you have reason in your fair proposal. I know my Sister's caution, has still preserved her Reputation Spotless: my Friendship would not engage her in a doubtful matter: when you have cleared that point, and shall be constantly resolved to quit all dangerous rambling: You shall command my best assistance.  Fra. 
Your Friendship Sir obliges me— One of these Ladies by her Stature and mein should be her I told you of, but altered in her habit. Enter Lady, Clarinda. Madam your Servant?  La. 
Oh Servant, I had much ado to be punctual to my word this Lady knows: You have obliged me with a double favour and brought your Second: this Lady else had wanted Conversation. Your pardon Sir, while we discourse apart. Clarinda Curtsys to Friendly they walk off.  Manent Lady and Franck. Fra. 
The Star Light of your Sparkling Diamonds Madam,  
Suit your be nighted Vizour.  
Remove that shadow from your shining Orb  
And chase th' Egyptian darkness from my heart.  La. 
I once designed this for my Wedding Garb  
Resolving then to have cleared every doubt  
Making my fortune worthy your acceptance.  
But since your Jealousy did not confide  
But brought a Friend for a discovery,  
I will suspend tho' not Cashier your hopes:  
I know your late Intrigue.  
Which now is blasted with an envious Star  
And your Addresses to the Country Lady,  
But you suspend to make a declaration  
Till you can make an estimate of me.  
But while divided Interest hunts two Hares,  
An accident oft chaps to miss them both.  
And if you'll prove a noble generous Lover,  
give me your hand, and take me at a Word.  Fra. 
Though I'm Enchanted with your Wit and Humour,  
I dare not make so rash a hood winked Bargain.  La. 
My hasty proffer puts you to a loss:  
But Company draws near to interrupt us,  
Let's change our Walk?  Enter Clarinda and Friendly. Cla. 
Sir you have infinitely diverted me with your discourse, and therefore I must beg the favour of your Advice upon some Circumstances which tend to my disquiet.  Frein. 
You may command my service.  Cla. 
I am now upon the stroke of Eighteen, and quite tired out with going to morning prayers, where I am continually pestered with a troublesome sort of infects they call Fops, and Beau's; that infest the neighbouring Pews, buzzing about one's Ears, who though they despair of the Body, will study to deflower Reputation. And therefore I judge it convenient (by way of prevention) to marry out of the way, and having put my Husband into full Possession, let him from thenceforward take care of it for his own sake. For if these busy Fools should lay a train to blow up ones good name, it will be difficult to retrieve it, or a Husband, to Justify honour and reputation: and at last be forced to take up with a sneaking Jealous, one of whom I shall have reason to be ashamed: or forced to turn Nun and lead Apes in Hell.  Frein. 
I perceive by your discourse you are in no great likelihood to fit yourself with a Husband ready made, and 'twill be too late to bespeak one, you must take your Chance.  Cla. 
You speak like an Oracle: what think you of a sweet natured easy Complaisant Person?  Frein. 
Such a fool were a blessing, many a Lady would have jumped at heretofore, and have bidden battle to any would have snapped him out of their hands. But it was in times of Yore, when abler men were at hand to supply his place. By this means she secures to herself the sole rule and government, and is installed Plene-Potentiary, But so absolute a domination, scarcely counterveils the nauseous trouble and conversation of such an intolerable Coxcomb; who often misled by evil Counsel, proves an unmanagable beast, and like the Elephant when he is galled turns on his own part, trampling down all that oppose him.  Clar. 
But a wise woman will govern in public no more than is reasonable, and leave his misdemeanours to a Curtin-lecture in the morning fresh and fasting— But what think you of a brisk airy Spark?  Frein. 
As a mere dancing singing noisy empty nothing, one that Cuffs the Cushion so often abroad, he is seldom in humour to hold forth at home, But leaves the neglected Sine Cure to shift for itself; If you rouse the stupid churl with any concern for himself, or his estate, he shuns you like an offended Ghostly Father, or a School Boy broke loose from his book; He squanders his favours all over the Town, and is never better pleased, then when his Gilting Mistress sevearly rallies his Orthodox Spouse, owning him for a fine sweet natured accomplished Gentleman, Oh then she melts his Heart and his Purse to the last Penny.  Clar. 
What say you then to a fine dressed well shaped Beau?  Frein. 
He was a Fop of the last Edition, and finding his Monkey antic tricks and Gimmcracks would no longer pass in his Autumnal Years, reforms his manners and customs, and sets up for a sober formal ill natured person, frequents the Coffee-house and turns a snarling Critic, and like old women in rancour and spite: turn malicious witches. And considering he has misspent the best of his time frequents the Church, Play house, music meetings and Dancing-Schools to make himself a saver upon some young Giddy-brained Fortune, retires with his wife into the Country, lest she should pay his old Scores.  Cla. 
What say you to a Learned Sot, or a downright Lawyer or a Vertuoso?  Frein. 
'Twould grieve a Lady to be troubled with such a hum drum Studious dunce always poreing over his Books and forgetting his duty to his own flesh and Blood: But the drudge is ready, when she is minded to resort to him for Counsel, manages her case gratis: If she were not unreasonable she would not complain of her standing Counsel though she scarce vouchsafes him thanks for his pains, but robs our poor Peter of his fees for the sake of her beloved Paul. He is no Fool at the bottom though she often makes him one: He permits her to Rule his Family, and dispose of his movables at pleasure. If he lives not to long, his Industry makes her no looser by the Bargain.  Cla. 
You give me no Encouragement to venture with any of the aforesaid Persons, let me be beholden to you for your more serious directions, how to pass away this foolish transitory Life, and keep so great a happiness as Love and Friendship alive; tho' raked up in the Embers.  Frein. 
Madam you say right, for though love makes a Bonfire to welcome you home, it will hardly keep the Embers alive to warm us when you go to Bed. The joys and transports of love like Lightning dazels us, and then follows the thundering Noise of Pekes, Jealousies, Hopes, Fears, turmoils, vexations, troubles and disappointments like the successive hot and cold Fit, of a fever and Ague, of which women made of a refined mould and of a more noble Original and Extraction, are more sensible of the jarring discords. But how to preserve so great a happiness will lie under the direction of a deeper Philosopher than I can pretend to be. Yet I must comply with your Ladyship's desires and venture on some chance directions a Sketch of a fancy— Let Beauty, Fortune, a good Wit and disposition concur in your Choice, which Blessings singly are but melancholy Company when you are joined for your Lives: Let him be a man of Virtue and Honour of a Steady humour and disposition, not given to be peevish or froward, or unreasonable opinionated hugging himself in the chair of the Scorner. If little quarrels do arise give way to each other, and never prosecute them with eagernes and contention, but let the next glass of Wine, like a Cup of Lethe drown the remembrance. So may your young Love like new Wine not glut and cloy with the sweetness of the first Enjoyment, but drink the more refined pure and sprightly dureing your Lives, being a continual Feast and Sauce for every days Enjoyment.  Enter Lady followed by Frank running as affrighted, runs behind Friendly to save herself from Franck. La. 
Oh save me Sir, from this unworthy man!  
Whom I came here to meet upon his Letter  
Which basely he disowns, denys his Vows  
And threatens Vengeance if I give not up  
My Solemn Contract under hand and Seal.  
But I resolve to engage all my Friends  
To Vindicate my Spotless Reputation:  
Having renounced his honour and his Faith,  
And changed his fancy for some other Beauty.  Fr. 
Thou base unworthy and most perjured Woman!  
Take there your hundred Guinneas your first Bribe,  
I Scorn the thought of such dishonest practice,  
And thee the Inventor of so gross a Lye.  La. 
So here the Letter written with his hand gives Friendly the letter▪  
Kindly Inviting me to meet him here.  Fr. 
Base Forgery and Witchcraft.  
My Passion swells me past all bounds of Reason! Lady's hold of her.  
I'll drown the Hag i'th' neighbouring Canale.  Frein. 
Hold Sir I must oppose your Violence!  
Un hand her Sir! She runs behind Friendly while he looks on the letter.  
This Letter seems all written with your hand,  
Vouched with a Contract under hand and Seal:  
This Lady's Mien appears of Quality  
Equal to whatsoever she pretends.  
And if your Courtship has prevailed upon her  
Redeem your soily and now do her right.  Fr. 
'Tis not the Rack or Torture should compel me,  
It makes me mad to think,  
That you should easily believe so gross a slander.  Friend. 
I ever will renounce the name of Friend  
Where I perceive such base and double dealing,  
This one discovery has made me happy,  
Else thou wouldst still have sheltered under Friendship  
And lurked to hide thy base intent. Thou Crocodile  
That liest in ambush for my Sister's Fame  
Then feign a tear o'er them thy falsehood ruined.  
Madam you shall command my Sword to right you,  
And wipe this Stench and Nuisance from the Earth  
Since happily I saw the Bassalisks,  
I now defy his future machinations:  
Draw and defend your life.  Fr. 
hold Sir! forbear,  
Else you may act a Mischief you'll repent  
Through heat and passion, which I well can clear.  Friend. 
Men of your sort are used to skin the Soar  
And leave the rotten Coat within to fester,  
But I will spill that poison on the earth  
Unless you poorly beg your life and pardon.  Fr. 
That Sir perhaps may prove too hard a Chapter,  
My Sword unsheathed never petitioned yet.  Clar. 
I'll guard that life you force me to defend—  La. 
Hold Brother— as they are ready to fight the Sisters unmask and lay hold of their Brothers— they part  Clar. 
Hold—  Fr. 
high! what's here to do? a trial of skill  
And the fair Ladies drawn in as Sticklers to the Quarrel.  This threatning Storm 
Raised by the Magic of the Lady's Eyes!  
Is by their Smiles composed: When in my own defence  
I raised my Sword it never could design  
To pierce that Breast: I rather would have died.  
Welcome dear Friend into thy Brother's Arms.  Friend. 
Welcome my Friend and Brother:  
And pardon Sir this Foolish may-gaym quarrel?  La. 
'Tis I alone must blush and beg your pardon:  
My false pretensions Raised this sudden quarrel,  
By this feigned claym I tried your Gallant temper  
And found you both most perfect every way.  
I own your worth has justly won upon me,  
And I had held you longer in suspense  
Had not this sudden Gust blown of my Mask.  Fra. 
Then I must bless that storm your wit has raised,  
Which hurried me into so safe a Harbour.  
Madam I beg you will confirm my hopes,  
Since wit and Beauty join to fan desire  
Who can oppose such a resistless fire?  La. 
This does confirm you Master of my Fortune: gives him her hand, he kisses it.  
In times of Innocence,  
ere Subtle heads devised long Settlements  
And perplexed clauses made things intricate,  
One single Turf conveyed a vast Estate.  Fra. 
[He salutes her and says,] This Turf's my tenure,  
And I'll ne'er quit it until death depart.  La. 
I cannot Brother make you a return, to Friendly.  
For Interesting yourself in my concern;  
Which binds me ever to become your Servant.  
This Lady's Eyes have power to reflect  
The true Idea of your Generous mind.  Frein. 
My secret Vows have made me long your Servant, to Clarinda.  
And been a true devote unto your Shrine:  
My Sister knows my Heart was still your Slave.  La. 
I know his constant and sincere Affection,  
Then let me beg you will accept this hand,  
That will present a Heart has long adored you.  Fra. 
Sister if I have power to sway your mind, to Clarinda.  
I beg our Families may be united.  Clar. 
Should I refuse, to the Lady.  
Myself I banish from what most I Love;  
While your Example blindly I obey,  
I without thinking give myself away.  Frein. 
To a despairing heart this balm is sure,  
Your gracious hand could only work the Cure. kisses Clarinda ' s hand.  Fra. 
At last this lucky quarrel cleared the doubt,  
Or else these Forts had many Months held out:  
So boisterous waves in high wrought Seas are known  
To meet, and kiss, and presently grow one. Exeunt.  SCENE, the Hall. Enter Sir Worldly, Aunt. He dressing himself. Sir Wor. 
You've told me all the story of your Niece,  
Which calls a guilty Blush into my Cheeks,  
But henceforth be to me an utter stranger:  
The Goods are yours and all the Furniture,  
Go and be Huckster to an other bargain. Exit Aunt.  
I who have long by Wisdoms Compass steered  
Through the Rough Seas and threatning Rocks of danger  
Into the Ports of Profit, and of Honour;  
Find now some Remora arrests my Vessel,  
Detaining her against the Wind and Currant:  
Either the prosperous Gale of Fortune leaves me,  
Or I want wit to trim and shift my Sails.  
I late was forced to pay a heavy Ransom  
For this unlucky head to the Banditty,  
And glad I scaped so too.  
And when my cares, had treasured up my heart  
In Leonora's Love was disappointed;  
And when I thought to search all in disguise,  
By an unlucky chance or close design  
Was Spirited on Shipboard.  
At my return I found my Mistress married  
By the Contrivance of my Son— should I resent it  
As I have Reason, I must then Revenge it:  
And my Revenge is blunted by my Nature,  
Or my divided house must drop to pieces.  
I must forgive his faults or raise a Scandal  
On my past Actions.  
Pardon his Clemency who punished my Purse,  
And had it in his power to use me worse.  To him Enter Lady, Frank, Friendly and Clarinda. Fra. 
I kneel to ask your pardon: I would not presume  
Had not this Lady joined in the request  
In hopes that you will grant your free Consent,  
To make us happy. The Lady going to kneel he stops her.  Sir Worl. 
Madam I must prevent you,  
Unless you'll make me kneel for Company:  
I give my full consent to your desires,  
And pardon all offences of this Boy.  
Rise Sir, and I pray heaven to make you happy.  Lady. 
I used to plead some interest in your favour  
And pray,  
That as our Family has still been joined  
In Friendship— now you will Unite their Love,  
In this my Sister and my Brother Friendly.  Sir Worl. 
Madam you Ravish me with this good News,  
And now my Girl has chosen with my Eyes.  
I wish all four may ever prove most happy. he kisses them all.  
My heart is swelled and pent in narrow bounds,  
As mighty tides meeting Lands Floods of Joy,  
O'er flow the Banks and with excess destroy.  
I must retire a while. Exit Sir Worldly.  Fra. 
I know my Fathers infinitely pleased  
But time must work it to his satisfaction,  
And calm the troubles raised within his breast.  
I saw the Aunt,  
That told him of Sir Noisy's Marriage,  
With his young Wife.  La. 
I know that whole Intrigue, by a strange chance, and that she's bound to you for her Advancement: I'll never think you worse for your good Nature, and putting of old household stuff to best advantage.  Fra. 
For faults are passed I humbly beg your pardon.  Enter Plot. Plot. 
Sir Noisy and his Lady, and other Friends are without to wait on Sir Worldly.  Fra. 
It is his vanity to show his pretty Wife I'll out and introduce 'em. Exit.  To them Enter Sir Noisy, his Lady, Aunt, Scaredevil, Fulham, Plot and other Servants. Sir Nois. 
I brought my Wife to wait on Sir Worldly, a young Innocent Foolish harmless Girl whom I intent to breed up in my house in the Country, and instruct her to carry herself in Company: She has no skill in the Minuet, and Sings but one tune that I have taught her: Poor Soul she cannot manage a Bottle decently with a Friend, nor has not confidence to— make the Glasses clash in Chorus. aside. That's a bitter Bob for some body. I have no relish for these Learned Ladies that know the nicety of Rules, which make Women positive and preremptory, and as resty to all mannagement as a headstrong horse: who having once got the Bit between his Teeth runs away with a man to the Devil. I'm for breaking a young filly till I can steer her with a twine thread.  Fra. 
But your Lady looks as if she had good natural parts, I dare swore her ready Genius will improve upon your Instruction, and quickly play her lesson upon sight. I wish you all happiness, tho' I cannot so well digest your Cross-biting me of my Mistress.  Sir Nois. 
Dear Frank, I always desire to hold a fair Correspondence with thee, and am an humble Servant to these Fair Ladies.  Fra. 
to Lady aside. I was forced to humble the Fool or he would have Topped us all and grown rampant.  La. 
Sir Noisy, I will wish your Lady Joy— Madam your humble Servant?  Leo. 
I thank you forsooth. they go to the other side of the Stage.  La. 
Pretty Innocence. Leo. turns her back to the Stage.  Leo. 
Madam I dare not pay you what respect is due in outward show:  
But my heart is your Slave.  
And having Shipwrecked by my Folly  
I am by chance redeemed from utter ruin:  
Oh I could weep with tears of joy and grief,  
For my good Fortune oweing to his Friendship,  
And losing him whom I hold once so dear.  La. 
But now your Friend is turned into my husband.  Leo. 
I wish you Joy, and that they ne'er may prosper  
Would wish to disoblige so good a Lady.  La. 
I am acquainted with your story, which still lies here concealed: I wish your conduct may redeem your faults, and well atone what's past, and for my sake accept this Ring a pledge of Friendship.  Leo. 
Madam you honour me.  Enter Sir Worldly. Sir Worl. 
This day has crowned my Joys, and here I bid adieu to Love and Vanity. Sir Noisy you are welcome so is your Lady, you are the greatest Strangers— Son Friendly, I Settle Ten Thousand pounds upon your Marriage, and will not stint my hand as you are kind unto Clarinda. To you my Son I give your mother's whole Estate for present mantenance, and the remainder at my Death. And now my thoughts are fixed upon my Children, who are my joy and hopes: I cannot now separate your Interests. Whosoever makes me first a Grandfather I give a Thousand pound.  Plot. 
Sir Noisy has brought some men of Art to entertain you with a Dance, if you please to sit.  A Dance. Sir Worldly comes forward on the Stage. Sir Worl. 
My Folly has convinced me of this Rule,  
Young men Instruct, while oid Fops go to School.  
I own with Shame what I have oft been told,  
That of all fools there's none can match the Old.   
FINIS.   

This Song is Repeated by Sir Noisy Parrot with great Admiration, and after Sung. In the Second Act. page 17.  

I.  
THou Life of all the Sun whose Grace  
Enlightens this fair Hemesphere,  
Where Noblest Beauties fainter rays  
Like Stars by daylight disappear.   

II.  
Thou Miracle with Heavenly Fire  
Dost kindle Love in every heart,  
In whom the Graces do conspire  
Joined with the Muses utmost art.   

III.  
My Wit is dazzled with thy Eyes,  
My heart is ravished with thy Voice;  
Lend me Loves wings that I may rise  
Not by my merit, but thy choice.    

Second Song in the same Page.  

I.  
Man. I took the faithless Callow from the Nest  
And Nursed thee in my Breast,  
Taught thee the grounds and notes to Chirp and Sing,  
But when thou feltst the Spring  
Thou didst despise my Care unkindly Roam  
Abroad regardless of my Love, neglecting home.   

II.  
Woman. For all thy care and kindness past 'tis true  
Grave Sir, my thanks are due;  
But thou rain'st to slave me as a Wife,  
And Cage me for my Life:  
Beauty for cloisters Nature did not mean,  
While every bush presents a brisk young Valentine.   

III.  
Man. Thy Vows assured me and our hands did join,  
Thou ever wouldst be mine,  
That no seducing Bird of Song or Prey,  
Should Spirit thee away,  
I claym thee as my right, thou Pearl of price;  
Purchased with all my Stock my lovely Paradise.   

IV.  
Woman. 'Twas man grown false, or weak that first did plot  
To knit this Gordian Knot,  
By Tyrant Customs strive to fetter Love,  
Whose Nature is to rove:  
When fancies glutted, Birds fresh mates may choose,  
Yet none are shamed, divorced, or wealthy Jointures lose.   

V.  
Urge Constancy no more, those feeble ties  
Avail not to the Wise,  
Who would a Costly Vessel rig or trim  
Never to let her Swim.  
My Inclination bids me wildly range,  
And love in every Port, to barter and exchange.    

A Sea SONG. Made by an Unknown Person.  

ONe hand up a loft  
Swab the Coach for and aft  
For the Punch Council straight will be fitting,  
For fear the Ship roll  
Sling up a full Bowl  
For their Honours let all things be sitting,  
In an Ocean of Punch to Night we'll all Sail  
In a Bowl, whereof Sea room we never can fail.   

Chorus. With full double Cups, we'll liquor our Chops  
And then trim the Sails with a hoe up hoe,  
But we'll drink ere we go, we'll drink ere we go.   

The Winds veereing aft  
Then loose ev'ry Sail  
She'll bear all her top-sails a trip,  
Heave the Log from the Poop  
It blows a fresh gale,  
And a just Account on the board keep,  
She runs you Eight knots, that's Eight cups to my thinking,  
That's a cup for each knot should be filled for our drinking.   

Here Messe Mate. Thanks Skipper.  
'tis a Health to the King.  
While the Starrboard watch drinks, let the Larrboard watch Sing.  
Here's to thee Peter. Thanks honest Jo.  
About let it go.  
In our Bowl still a calm is how e'er the Winds Blow.   

The Quarteere must cun  
While the fore mast man steers,  
Each health to the Port where 'tis bound,  
Who belayes till 'tis a Brimmer  
Is drubbed at the Gears  
And the Health of each we must sound.  
To our Noble Commander his honour and health,  
Let him drown and be damned refuses the health.   

What news on the Deck hoe  
It blows a mere Storm  
She lies a try under the Missen,  
Why what if she do  
Will it be any harm  
If one Bumper more does us all reason.  
The Bowl must be freed boys, in spite of the weather,  
Yea, yea,— huzah, let us all haule together.   

Chorus. With full etc.    

EPILOGUE,  Spoken by Mrs. Lassells. 
WHat differing designs we Women lay  
She to avoid, and I to snap the Prey:  
Virtue, and Fortune, makes her Luster great:  
Raising that Value, I but counterfeit:  
We hold our Sex's Charter by deceit,  
The Pious seeming Saint proves oft a Cheat:  
Why should you grudge, if an old battered Lover  
Pass for a Maid, in a fresh guilded cover?  
For what e'er trips she makes, she ne'er miscarrys,  
But proves a perfect Virgin when she marrys,  
Our Fop by seeming Innocence is caught,  
Few Eagle eyes, discern so nice a fault,  
And while his roughness Ravishes a kiss,  
We seem transported at the unknown Bliss.  
Methinks I hear Pride and ill nature Cry  
Why is sin blessed, and scandal raised so high  
Out brass'ning Beauty Birth and Quality:  
How many wandering Rovers, chance does fix,  
From humble Pattens raised to Coach and Six.  
Faith 'tis not worth your thoughts, for as some say  
The world is but a Stage, our life a Play:  
Why should We be astonished at the matter  
If Strolling Miss mounts on our Proud Theatre.  
Now we should Court your favour to our Play,  
And Pardon for our Authors first Essay,  
Hoping this Rugged Bench won't prove severe  
To his first fault, let him for once go Clear:  
In doubtful durance Pensive he remains,  
Till your good pleasure shall strike of his Chains:  
And Sirs if this a maiden session proves,  
Let us alone to fit you all with Gloves.  
The End.