THE HONOUR OF THE GOUT:  
OR, A Rational Discourse, demonstrating that the Gout is one of the greatest Blessings which can befall Mortal Man; that all Gentlemen who are weary of it, are their own Enemies; that those Practitioners who offer at the Cure, are the vainest and most mischievous Cheats in Nature.  
By way of Letter to an Eminent Citizen, Wrote in the heat of a violent Paroxysm, and now Published for the Common Good.  
By Philander Misiatrus.  
LONDON, Printed for A. Baldwin, in Warwick-Lane. MDCXCIX.   

THE PUBLISHER TO THE READER.  
THis Piece, which I present you, [as appears from many Passages in it,] was Wrote towards the beginning of the Reign of King William; whether or no the Author be living, I cannot satisfy you; but this I will engage, greater Profit, and more agreeable Entertainment were never purchased, of a Bookseller Cheaper.   

ADVERTISEMENT.  
THE Author is of Opinion, That some Epistles Dedicatory would do best standing after the Pamphlet, therefore, good Reader, pass on, and expect mine in its proper place.   

SIR,  
I Own you a greater Observance, more profound Respects, and hearty Thanks, for Favours to which I had not Merit to pretend, than I am able to express, should I make Words and Phrase my Study; but I am not like to do that at present; for you have used me so of late, that you tempt me to think, you are going to put as much Despite into one Scale, as ever you put Obligation into the other. Why! Sir, I am informed, that your Worship, not having a right sense of things, nor the Fear of God before your Eyes, should, to the disgrace of your own Virtue, give your Tongue the liberty, in an open Coffeehouse, to speak ill of the Gout. Of the Gout, Sir! which if you look on as a Disease, you ought to welcome as the most useful and necessary thing, that could have happened to you: But if you consider as becomes you, then, with me, you must reverence it as a Power Divine, 
On whose Sacred internodial Altars, I  
Each Spring and Fall, at least, will sacrifice,  
Morbific painful loads of Matter tartarous,  
With Recrements of nervous juice impregnate.   
Would you yourself, Sir, patiently endure the Honour of our Great Master, our Rightful and Lawful King, to be contemptuously reflected on, by e'er a recreant piece of Conscientious Priest-craft that infests the Town? Then, why should not I be concerned for the Honour of my Great Master, the Gout, who claims not, 'tis true, the power he exercises over me, by any Hereditary pretence; but from an Origine altogether as Sacred and Indisputable, viz. some voluntary Acts and Deeds of my own. Yet you could say, that when the Almighty God had out of rude Chaos built this goodly frame of Nature, which we see, and formed his Noble Creature Man; he indulged the Devil to Create some one thing, and his damned Envy gave Being to the Gout. Now I am confident, Sir, and have great Authorities for it, that if the Devil ever created any thing, it was the Doctor, of whom since you have made so much use; I know not, but it may be rationally inferred, that you have dealt with the Devil. The Gout, Sir, whether you know it or no, was postnate to the Creation, and younger something than the Fall of Man, who having incurred the Sentence of Death, the friendly Gout was sent in Mercy down from Heaven to lengthen wasting Life: By my consent you should never have the Gout, who have no more consideration in you than to blaspheme it.  
I always took your Worship for a Person the most accommplished our City has ever bred; I imagined that you thoroughly understood most things, but it could never enter into my head, that you should fall into so Profane an Error as to think, into so rash a Practice, as to speak ill of the Gout. But because my Soul has been full of humble Deference to your Worship, I will be at some pains to recover you to your right mind, and a due veneration of that Friendly Daemon, the Gout. For though you may value yourself, and reckon that no girding Satirist can take up the Old Proverb against you, and say, That you are afraid of your Friends, when there is none near you; yet, what is worse, they may reproach you with this disgraceful Truth; You are afraid of your best Friend when he Kisses your very feet.  
Now upon this Subject, having no need to use the inveigling Arts of Oratory; I shall not with Tropes and Metaphors, with Flourishes and Amusements of insinuating Words, seek to divert your Mind, and cheat your Judgement; but to make my Work the shorter, and do it effectually, press you with plain Demonstration. Your Error, Sir, was this, That the Devil Created the Gout. I prove he did not. You know, Sir, that the Man of Sin, the Son of Perdition, best known by the Name of Antichrist, is the Pope. You must not doubt of this, for till the days of that Excellent Prelate, Archbishop Laud, the whole stream of Protestant Interpreters gave it so; a learned Chaplain of his has put that Character upon the Grand Signior, and a famous Annotator has taught our Church to split Antichrist into Simon Magus, and his Gnostick Followers. I must confess, I have a sort of a respect to these Authorities, but the Body of Modern Dissenters, and the general Agreement of Interpreters, Whig and Tory, in the Age before, weighs them down: Take in then the Lay-mobility of the Nation, who should know something, but are confident of nothing more, than that Antichrist is the Pope; and your Worship will agree it with me, that that's the plain Truth of the matter: By the way I will observe one thing, which will not trouble my Demonstration, but yet your Worship see, how ready I am to allow you in your Speculation, all that can reasonably be desired. A celebrated Author notes, that the Ancients described Antichrist, by the Phrase of 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, The Firstborn of the Devil. Supposing now that the Devil created something, as you contend, you see, it could not be the Gout; at least, not if you'll be judged by the Fathers; but rather Antichrist, or the Pope. I desire your Worship to consider next, that you shall not read in Platina, Onuphrius, or any latter Antichristian Biographer, that ever faetid Toe of Pope was visited with beneficial Gout. But had so great a Blessing been created by the Devil, as you fond imagine, the Devil had for a certain, bestowed it on his Firstborn the Pope: Nay, and then too, instead of the filthy Scrutiny through the Porphiry Chair, for old and wasted Testicles, the Deacon had only pulled off the Stocking of the Elect, and the ratificatory Report had been, Dominus noster Papa habet Podagram. In short, Sir, Antichrist, or the Pope, [for they are one and the same Firstborn of the Devil, according to the Ancients,] being never favoured with the Gout, it is plain that the Devil did not create it, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, which was the thing to be demonstrated.  
Having thus, Sir, utterly confounded your Error, my next labour shall be, to instruct you in a sounder persuasion. The Gout was sent in Mercy down from Heaven to lengthen wasting Life.  
The Seat of this Friendly Daemon, by whom every afflicted Man receives a thousand times more benefit, than ever Socrates, by his; his Seat, I say, is in the Nervous parts; he commonly visits the Internodia of the Bones of the Feet; sometimes the Hip, the Knee, the Elbow, Shoulder, Wrist, and Ankle: But to prove its Divine Original, I will proceed methodically, and from his lowest Commendations ascend by six just Steps or Degrees, till I have raised him above the Stars, and entered him among the Celestial Spirits; to whom, Sir, you will then be tempted to offer up your Orisons in the prescribed Form, at the end of an Old Manuscript-Missal, communicated to me by a learned Antiquary, a great Collector of those Rarities. The Form this; Blessed Gout, most desirable Gout, Sovereign Antidote of Murdering Maladies, powerful Corrector of Intemperance, deign to visit me with thy purging fires, and throw off the tophous injury which I may have suffered by Wine and Wit, too hard for the Virtue of a Devote upon a Holy Festival; but fail not thy Humble Supplicant, who needs thy Friendly Help to keep his tottering Tenement in order, fail him not, every Vernal and Autumnal Aequinox.  
I know some precise Doctors are against all Invocation of Saints, at present I shall not dispute with them, but they must grant me, That there's more to be said in justification of such a Prayer to the Gout, than can be said for the Offices directed to any other Saints, not excepting the Virgin. For I defier their Worshippers to prove, that there has been the Tithe of so much good done by them all, as I shall prove has been done by the beneficial Gout. I begin at the lowest step, and Note,  
First, The Gout gives a Man Pain without Danger.  
It is possible, I confess, that a Sick Man, if he were directly asked to declare his Sense of the matter, might refuse to acknowledge the benefit of Pain without Danger, for Sickness and Peevishness commonly go together; but mind his Discourse at another time, when he talks from the heart, and is not upon his Guard: Then, O then, Pain without Danger is a Blessed thing. For Instance,— Suffering under a painful threatening Distemper, What's his first question to the Physician, but this? Doctor, pray be plain with me, and let me truly know what I am to expect, don't flatter a Sick-man, but tell me, am I like to Recover or no? That Pain, you see, which he suffers, does not at all trouble him, he's only afraid he shall Die, secure him against that Danger, and all is well with him: Cut, Slash, Burn, no pain is grievous, if it promise to set us out of the danger of Death.  
When the other Doctor comes, the Physician of the Soul I mean, whose coming bodes no good to the Body, He tells the Decumbent a long Story of the Pains and Misery of Life, in order to make his nunc dimittis go down the easier; but that method seldom takes, for not one of a hundred is so bad, but he's content to live, and put the rest to the venture. The fear of Death is generally more grievous than all the cruel Pains of a wretched Life. But since we must have pain while we live, give me the Pain of the Gout, which has no danger attending. Here some malevolent Adversary may importunely object, Did never any Man Die of the Gout? To this I answer, 1st. I have not yet affirmed, That the Gout can make a Man immortal, though I will boldly say thus much, it very often keeps a Man alive till all his Friends are weary of him. But 2. Should I venture to say that the Gout has in itself the power to make a Man immortal; it ought not to seem so very strange, all things being considered. If that be true, which some Authors Writ of the Noble Paracelsus, He had the Secret to make a Man immortal, and I would not say he lied, though himself Died about Forty; for perhaps he did not like his Company; but it must have been by way of his Discovery to give any Man the Gout when he pleased; in that I am positive. Here the Objector will scornfully put me in Mind, that Gouty persons, scape Death no more than other Men, which is very true, but that's because Men are Fools, and done't know when they are safe; they must be curing the Gout forsooth, and to that end they deal with the Doctor, i. e. with the Factor of Death, the Emissary of Hell, the Purveyor of the Grave, Damned Alchemist, good at calcining nothing but Living Bodies into Dust and Ashes. Let every one bear his own burden; the Gout has nothing to do with the Carnage of the Doctor. All that can be rationally said against the Gout, is, that it does not actually preserve Man, in spite of their own Folly, and the Dr's ignorance: And yet there is the Right Honourable Sir R. H. the Gout is so Salutary to him that two Swiss Doctors can't dispatch him; what would a certain Lord give that those two coagulating Spirits could remove his Honour's Gout; but say I, Gout hold thy own; for Earth has more need of the Cripple, than Heaven of the Saint. And now, Sir, let me tell you a Story, the famous Willis shall be my Voucher, who dissected the the Body of the Reverend, Learned, and Pious Doctor Hammond, killed purely by his Friend, who unhappily taught him a Medicine to cure the Gout, upon the Success of that Medicine, the Doctor's old Nephritic Pains returned, and in a Fortnight dispatched him.  
Therefore for your own, for your Lady's, and for your children's sake, Sir, welcome the Gout to your House, and shut all your Doors against the Physician, I'll warrant you for upwards a Hundred. Lord! how glad shall I be, to see 'em pick Chalk-stones out of your Worship's Feet, some forty or fifty Years hence; by that time you'll have learned so much Patience, as never to rear for the Matter. But if you do roar [for that may be then as you use yourself now,] they that look on, if they love Life, will envy, not pity You: Indeed you are already a fit Object for the Envy of Thinking Men, for I have heard you confess, that yours is an Hereditary Gout, and that's for the better; an Hereditary Gout is a far greater Happiness than an acquired one; what a deal of Intemperance, and amorous Excesses, might it have cost Your Worship to have got the Gout before Forty, whereas now you have the mighty Blessing for nothing, sort nascendi, it is your Birthright, Sir, never think of parting with it.  
Perhaps you may be now tempted to ask me, how I acquired my Gout? I shall not be shy to satisfy your Curiosity, for I came by it honestly: We Scholars have a way by ourselves to come at the Blessing, without ever being beholden to the God, that cheers the genteel Candidate of the Gout by day, or the Goddess that entertains him on nights; We lead Sedentary Lives, Feed hearty, Drink quantum sufficit, but Sleep immoderately; so that, the Superfluities of our Sober and Grave Fullness, not exhaling, we very honestly prepare Tartarous Matter for the Gout, for the beneficial Gout, which gives us Pain without Danger. Ascend we now the next step, which advances the Honour of the Gout.  
2. The Gout is no constant Companion, but allows his Patient's lucid Joyous Intervals.  
Humane Nature is so framed, that no one thing is agreeable to it always; therefore it is well for us, that the World is so full of changes; the Earth we tread on, the Seas we sail on, the Air we breath in, the Starry Firmament expanded round us, have their continual Vicissitudes, which all make for our Advantage and Delight. The Body of Man is a true Microcosm in this respect, for it never continues in one condition; and, upon the same account, his Mind is a very fit Guest for his Body; for, at different times, he thinks, and speaks, different things, 

— Modo Reges atque Tetrachas.  
Omnia magna loquens, modo sit mihi.—   

Sometimes he'd talk, of Heroes, and of Kings  
In mighty swelling Numbers, mighty things;  
And then, again, let Gracious Fortune give  
A little Meat and Drink enough to live;  
Let her a Coat to keep out Cold present,  
Although 'tis thick, and course, he'll be content.   Mr. Creech.  
How welcome is a Guest that knows when to be gone; but if his stay be longer than ordinary, we are ready to thrust him out of doors. For these, and the like considerations, the way of the Gout's dealing with his Patients can never be enough esteemed. Whatever some impatient weak Minds may think, 'tis manifest, that the Gout, by his coming and going, takes the right course to be very agreeable, and obliging. Weak People may curse the Gout, and wish to be wholly excused from his intermitting Visits; but I look upon such People as Men that are weary of the World, and being willing to leave it, I grant, they have reason to be angry with the Gout; with the Gout that folds their Mortality so fast about them.  
Your Worship has been guilty of this impatience, but I hope to recover you to a better Mind. I have already shown you, that, to a wise Considerer, the absence of danger takes off from the pain of the Gout, but some pain there is, and aught to be, for constant Health has no relish, 'tis an insipid dull thing: That Reverend Calvinist, Dr. Twiss, affirms, That 'tis better to be Damned than Annihilated. I might, I suppose, with less offence, affirm, that 'twere better to be Dead, than never to be Sick of the Gout; nay, this I am sure of, that all the Sober and Experienced People will be so far from taking offence, that I shall have them on my side, if I venture on that Paradox; for, how often have I heard a Grave Adviser, one that had tried Health and Sickness, alternately, for many Years, tell the robust, young, riotous Fellow, that he knew not the value of Health. No, how should he, having never been Sick? But why should his sober Adviser press him to be careful of his Health, that's the way never to understand the deliciousness of it, by that time he gets the Gout, he'll throughly understand the matter, I'll warrant him? Set me two Men together, one that never knew Pain, and another newly recovered of the Gout; observe them both narrowly, in the former perhaps you may perceive an easy, even Temper; but the latter is ravished with Joys and Satisfactions, which, if his Tongue does not declare, his Hands, and Feet, and Gesture shall.  
Homer says that the Beauty of Helen was a Prize, worth all the Blood spilt through the long course of the Ten Years War. Homer would not have redeemed those Lives by the least injury to that adorable Lady: Such are the lucid intervals between Heart-breaking Fits of the Gout, worth all the Rave, and Roar, which the violent Paroxysm forces from the tortured Patient; and who would spoil the refin'd Pleasure of his Recovery, by wishing to have one angry Throb, one heavy Groan 'bated him. Si parvis componere magna liceret, if we might compare great things with small, The Gout is to Health, as Ham, and Tongue, to Wine, or rather, as 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, to the Lovers Congress. Courage, Sir, and be advised by me, 'tis good advice I am giving, and you shall have it Gratis. When your Foot swells, and burns, and throbs, banish all foolish Sorrow, and Repining, instead whereof, let swelling Joys dilate your Generous Breast; when sharp fermenting Juices, not easily miscible, shall meet, and by their furious contest, cause cruel twiching of your nervous Fibres, comfort your Heart, and be extremely pleased; when Masculine Acetous Recrements shall, with Female Tartarous Matter, Mix, Engender, and Beget a Tophous Mass, when that same Tophous Mass shall lodge in the Intornodia of Your Worship's Bones, entertaining you with a rending Solution of Continuity, then let your Soul Triumph; but touch not, taste not, the Crumen-Emulgent Doctor's Emulsions, Juleps, Apozemes, nor let his Repercussives, or Resolvents, Cataplasm, and Anodynes, touch you; so let your Friend the Gout take his course, and maul you sound. O! so easy, so pleased, so joyous, so happy, so blessed will you be, when the turn of Health shall come, why, Sir, you'll be in Heaven, in Heaven while you are on Earth; you'll be entirely Beatified on this side the Grave, and that's more than Solomon has arrived at yet [if you can give any credit to a Catholic Painter] for but one half of him is Glorified, the other fries in Flames, vexed by tormenting Devils, like the Noble Shaftsbury in Windsor-hall, beshrew the Painter for— his Pains, Fas est & ab hoste doceri. Learn of our common Enemy; Sir, I fancy, the Late Tyrant solaces his Exile, with the expectation of a return to trample on the Liberties, and riot in the Blood of Heretics; but before ever that dismal day come, may the Gout, my Life's kind Preserver, and my dear Life itself forsake me; only I will make it in my bargain, I will not stand to this wish, if my help can contribute any thing to oppose his Invasion. I am much of the Mind, Sir, that by what I have said already, you are a coming Proselyte; but before I have done with you, you shall choose to part with your Eyes, rather than your true Friend the Gout. The mighty Blessing whereof, that you may the better understand, mount with me one Step higher, and then take notice of this farther advantage of the Gout.  
3. The Gout presents you with a perpetual Almanac; And that it may never be out of the way, but ready always for Your Worship's use, safely deposits it in the Internodia of your Bones. Barometers, Thermometers, and other the Inventions of Men, not yet perfect Masters of their Art, serve more for the Delight, than the Use of the Curious; but theusesul Pains of the Gout give Your Honour trusty Prognostics of the Seasons. As often as a moist Constitution of the Year, South, or North Winds, or Snows are at Hand, you predict those things from the accesses of your Pains; and by the absence of your Pains, you foreknow the contrary; so one way or other, your Bone-Almanac serves for all Changes.  
Our lily's and Gadbury's foreknow when it shall be Rain-like, or Snow-like, but what Your Honour foreknows, by means of the Gout, does afterwards actually come to pass. Doctor Goad knew more of the Stars, and their Positions than you, but not half so much of their Influence. Spinoza will have it, that when a Jewish Prophet foretold any thing, he gave a Sign, a present Sign, which was a confirmation of his Prophecy; you have the Sign within you, Sir, and are a true Prophet all over.  
Majora animalia diutius visceribus Parentum continentur, says Pliny. Nature gives to larger sized Animals a longer stay in the Womb of their Mother; their mighty Limbs, and vast Frame of Body, are not so soon fashioned and perfected, as is the Compendious texture of lesser Animals: So is it with the most Noble Arts and Sciences, with the most useful Inventions, when first brought to light; every Man is taken up with unactive Ecstasy, and lazy Admiration, greatly pleased to be Taught, and let into Mystery, and as well content to know no more than is taught him; time passes silently on, and Ages steal away, before there starts up a studious inquisitive Person, who bends his Wit to improve the discoveries of his Ancestors, and raise them to their just Perfection.  
Now of this Observation, I am of the Mind, there is not again in Nature, so clean an Instance as the Gout affords us. The Gout, at first, passed for no other but an Evil Spirit, which an Exorcising Priest attacked with Charms before ever the Physician fell foul upon him with Poisonous Recipes. The Physician, purely to force a Trade, imposed upon the People, That the Gout was a Disease; having cheated them with this false Opinion, he plagued them with real Tortures, all which he was pleased to christian by the general Name of Therapeutic Method, in which his barbarous Executions thus follow one another. First Phlebotomy, than Catharties, Emeties, Hypnotics, the— and all; and while the inside of the Poor Patient is thus miserably Racked and Confounded, he dawbs the outside with Anodyne Applications, Unguents, and Cataplasms; and when all is done, I'll give them my Body to Practise on, [tho' I had rather the Executioner had it to dispatch outright] if plain Cathartic-Gruel, and the Cataplasm of a fresh Cow-turd do not work greater wonders, than any thing they can pretend to. From Germany, nay, from beyond the Alps, they come, with hard Names, Exotic Cant, and Baneful Poison, to allay the Paroxysm, and remove the Procatarxis of the Gout; but, God be thanked, their Practice decays, and must do more and more every day, now that it is so plainly discovered, that the Gout needs no Remedy, not being, in truth and proper speaking, a Disease, but a Sovereign Antidote against the most dangerous Diseases; and therefore People of the best sense are content to let it take its course, and not only so, but they are proud to publish the Satisfaction they take, in one or other advantage, which the Gout affords them. For Instance, as to the Foreknowledge of Wether: The Gout never twitches their Nerves, but they will be telling others what changes are towards. Now, that which I propose is this, That People should not think it enough to know thus much of the Gout, but study to improve, and increase their knowledge; for, no doubt, more may be made of this Blessing, than ever yet was done by the happy Man that has enjoyed it longest. I am persuaded, that if the fortunate Patient would be at the pains to observe all the motions of the Gout, in his pinching, smarting, gawling Accesses; in his gnawing, stabbing, burning Paroxysms, in his evacuting, tender, remitting Recesses, he might quickly come to wind a Storm, so long before, that in a short time, no Owners would think their Ship safe, but with a Gouty Master, nor would any experienced Seaman, that wanted a Ship, offer himself to the Merchants, but upon Crutches. Possibly here some nice Person may object, That 'tis a sad thing to be a Cripple; I reply, In Lameness two things are to be considered, the unsightly Gate, and the afflicting Pain. As to the unsightly Gate; Set the Italian Proverb against it; 
He knows not Venus in her perfect sweetness,  
Who has never lain with a Lame Mistress;   
And Montaign tells us, that the same is said of Men, as well as Women; for the Queen of Amazons answered the Personable Soythian, who courted her to Love, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, Lame Men make the best Gallants. In that Female Republic, to prevent the Dominion of the Males, they lamed them Arms and Legs in their Infancy, believing that they would be rather the better, for the use which they should make of them thereafter. Montaign gives a Philosophical Reason for the advantage accrueing by Lameness, either to Men or Women, viz. The Legs and Thighs not receiving their due Aliment, it falls out, that the Genital Parts above are the fuller, better supplied, and more vigorous. 2. As to the Pain proceeding from Lameness. I will not, to diminish that, tell the Objector a long Story from the Reasonings of Aristotle, or the Practice of Cato; but only pray him to consider the lower fort of People, who know little of Example, and mind as little of Precept; Nature is their Guide, and this their familiar Practice; they call the Phthisic, says Montaign, a Cough; the Bloody Flux is no more with them than a Looseness; a Pleurisy, but a stitch in the Side; and as they softly Name, so they patiently Endure these Grievances.  
If the Mercenary Adversaries of the Gout, the Doctors, have any other Objections against a Bone-Almanac, besides what I have answered, let them be published, I will fairly and fully Answer them also, or renounce my Reverence for the Gout.  
O that I had an infallible Medicine, which would both certainly and speedily cause the Gout; [Wine and Women are tedious and uncertain ways of purchasing the mighty Blessing,] I would not doubt but to make more of it, than ever Daffy did of his Elixir, or any stroling Mountebank of his Nostrum. The Fair for Rider's Almanac, Partridge's Almanac, Al— ch's Almanac, lasts but one Month in the Year; but I might vend Gout-Almanacs, and Bone-Almanacs all the Year round. Here I suspect that the Malevolent Doctors, that get their Living by their mischievous Craft in practising on the Gout, will Object, that all which I have hitherto urged in its Commendations, has a very great allay; for tho' it is not Dangerous, yet it is Painful; tho' the Patient has lucid Intervals, yet he has violent Paroxysms; tho' he be a Prophet, yet the Spirit, which inspires, rends him. But of these Objectors I would fain know, whether Holy prescious Enthusiasm, be not a furious ungovernable Impulse; whether lucid Intervals, are not more Eligible than a constant, weak, and sullen Light; whether Pain without Danger, is not better than Ease without Security? I am of Opinion, that our Compositions are no more able to endure pure and unmixed Felicities, than Semele, the Halfgone Mother of Bacchus, to abide the the warm Congress of the Olympic Jove, circled with all his Glories. Yet, to silence Envy itself, the next Step we ascend, we shall see the Gout dealing to his Patients a Benefit, so wondrous, refined, pleasant, and useful, that he must be a very dull Creature, that can seriously think on this, and not passionately wish, deliberately consider it, and not hearty labour, by all honest ways, and means to deserve the Gout.  
4. Gouty Persons are most free from the Headache; the reason of which is this.  
— The heavy Recrements of the Blood and Nervous Juice always fall downward to the Gouty Joints. The Nerves of the Head, the Fibres and the Membranes, whereof there are many placed above and under the Skull; the two meanings, the Tunicles of the Nerves, the Pericranium, and other Periostia, the Muscles, the Panniculus Carnosus; and lastly, the Skin itself, are all freed from a World of Torment by means of the Medicinal Gout, which attracts, to exterior remote Parts, vicious Humours of various Denominations, and there sets them on Fire, wastes, and Evacuates them. Persons, much favoured by the Gout, upon every long absence of that best Friend of theirs [whether occasioned by unknown Accidents, or unwise recourse to the mischievous tampering of a wicked Doctor] exchange their Freedom from the Gout, for Pain more Intense, and Dangerous; but, of all other Pains, they are extremely subject to the Headache; something of a Cloud, more or less, always hang over their Brain: But as soon as ever the Gout pleases (forgiving their Ingratitude) to Re-visit them, presently the Wether breaks up, the Nerves are relaxed, the Fibres unmolested, the Membranes and Muscles recover their right Tone; while the inimicous contesting Particles, thrown off from boiling Blood, and turgid Nervous Juice, fall down to the remote Parts of the Body; and then the Understanding grows clear, the Thoughts brisk and active; and the Patient is fitted, whatever his Station and Employment is in the World, to do the Duty thereof better than ever. I have been told of several Sea-Captains [and I have reason to believe the Relator] who, during a Fit of the Gout, happening to meet the Enemy, bestirred themselves with a vigour that forgot their Pain, and gave their Order with a steddier Presence of Mind, than ever they were Masters of before. I have the honour to be known to a Person of Quality, who has obliged the Age with several Instructive Pieces, who never Published a sorry Trifle, nor ever any thing so absolutely Perfect, Useful, and Entertaining, as when he lay under a course of the Gout. Then would He Dictate like an Angel, or, which is much the same, a Man Inspired, to his Ravished Amanuensis. That Amanuensis of his, has told me, tho' he loved his Master very well, yet he was always sorry for his Recovery; for than his Strength failed him, and he was no more than another Writer, I mean a Writer of the First Rate tho'. I know nothing that a Man, when he enjoys the Gout, is unfit for, but Jumping, Running of Races, or Football. The Amazons, if they are not belied, coveted to admit Strangers Flagrante Paroxismo. Had Montaign ever met with the MS. whence I have the Notice, he would have given us a Philosophical Reason for it. The Gout being thus beneficial, I bless myself to think, that any Patient should be so much his own Enemy, as to be weary of it; any Doctor so much an Enemy to Mankind, as to offer at the Cure; but Cure it they can't, whatever they pretend, unless they Kill the Patient. For my part, I know no difference in the Earth between a Doctor of Physic and a Tinker, save that the Doctor has more of the Tinker, the Tinker more of the Doctor in him: For, the Tinker effectually Stops that particular Hole which he is hired to Stop, tho' he makes two other for't; but the Doctor does but disturb the Gout which he undertakes to Cure; and when the vicious Humours of the Body are not suffered to have their course to the exterior remote Parts, there to be sacrificed on the Internodial Altars of the Gout, they revert with Fury and Indignation, dangerously Assault the Vitals, diffuse their Venom over all the Viscera, corrupt the Stomach, but more especially affect the Head, with violent Pains, which are often followed by dangerous Swoonings, a Vertigo, a failing of Memory; nay, and sometimes a downright Delirium. Thus Physicians Cure their Patients of the Gout! Then doubly Blessed are the Poor and Needy, who, when they have the Gout, and do not understand their own Happiness, cannot be at the Charge to get rid on't, by a Cure of the Doctors. Nay, beside the mischievous consequences of their Meddling, their very Meddling itself, is a sorer Pain, than the Gout, a thousand times; so that, that Man's Intellectuals must not be right, who would not wish to have his Headache Cured by the Gout, rather than by the Doctor's Methods, i.e. by being Purged and Blooded, Cupped and Fluxed, Stifled with Spirit of Hartshorn and Soot, drenched with Cephalic Juleps, and Waters— Cold as those, that extinguished the Vital Heat of that Renowned ThriceIllustrious Hero, height Old Simon the King. The Gout's a Specific, a Single, Proper, and Effectual Remedy for the Headache; by a strong Revulsion it attracts Morbific Matter from the Nobler Parts, and ever while you live, say I, keep Pain from your Head, and Sorrow from your Heart. The honest Old Beldame made sport for her Neighbours, when she applied the Clyster to her Forehead, the part affected: Again, when her Neighbours turned up her Blind-side, and played the Pipe at her Virgin Avenue, that was a Jest to her: Marry Gap, quoth she, 'tis the upper end that aches, and you give Physic to the lower; but the Clyster was a good Remedy for the Headache, tho' planted at distance, and so the Gout. How necessary a Friend to the Head, the Medicinal Gout is, keeping it easy, clean, and free from all morbific Matter which disturbs the Brain, we might partly guests, from the subtle Observation of the Famous Confucius upon Gonty Persons, which is communicated to us, by one of the Chastest Historians among the veracious Emissaries, [for the Chinese are blessed with the Gout, as well as the Europeans;] It is possible, said that wise Mandarin, for a Lame Gouty Person to be a Knave, even in our own Country have I known some such; but who ever knew a Gouty Cripple that was a Fool? In a Book of that Great Master of Morals and Politics, presented by a Mandarin of Confucius his own Race, to a Learned Jesuit who has enriched the King of France's Library with it, [but I suppose the Book was there reposited, since a certain Person finished his Travels,] these farther Remarks are delivered, Natural Fools never acquire the Gout, the Sons of Gouty Persons are defended from Dulness and Folly by the Sins of their Parents, or if in their Minority their Understandings happen to lie a little backward, they shall no sooner enter on their Gouty Inheritance, but a bright Illumination brings the same forward: Whatever a Man's natural Powers are, they are so improved by the Gout, so refined, so heighthned in the Paroxysm, that I am almost tempted to call it a sort of Natural Inspiration. Facile est inventis addere, what the Noble Confucius has admirably well observed of the Gout, viz. That it is a perfect Deletory of Folly, prompts me to think, that it would be worth inquiry, whether the Gout is not as effectual against Madness, and we may reasonably believe that it is so, if upon Examination it should be found, that there are no Gouty People in Bedlam; and then for the Recovery of those poor Creatures to their Wits again, it will not need much Consideration, whether they ought not to be excused the hard blows which their barbarous Keepers deal them; and the Therapeutic Method of Purging, Bleeding, Cupping, Fluxing, Vomiting, Clystering, Juleps, Apozemes, Powders, Confections, Epithemes, and Cataplasms, with which the more barbarous Doctors Torment them; and instead of all their Learned Tortures, indulged, for a time only, a little Intemperance, as to Wine, or Women, or so; or the Scholar's Delight of Feeding worthily, and Sleeping hearty, whereby they might get the Gout, and then their Madness were cured.  
Many and great are the Advantages which accrue to Mortal Man from the Gout, as cannot but sufficiently appear to Your Worship, from what I have, in running haste, observed; but far more numerous, and unconceivably vast are the Improvements, which a Man, worthy of the Gout, and sensible of his Happiness, might, with attentive Care, and sedulous Observance, make. Yet I shall not insist on conjectural Topics to do Justice to so effectual a Promoter of the Safety of humane Life; but proceed on those Benefits, which are the Objects of Sense; so that, if there be any Person, that shall Think, or Speak ill of the Gout, he must be one, that does not desire, or deserve to Live.  
It is a Lofty Height, to which I have advanced Your Worship; Four steep Ascents you have already climbed, but the Honour of the Gout, Caput inter nubila conduit. Can your Head bear to mount a Fifth? But why do I ask that Question? The Gout itself will enable you.  
5. The Gout preserves its Patients from the great Danger of Fevers.  
Gouty Persons, by reason of a fixed Dyscrasy of the Blood, are not obnoxious to Fevers, As they live free from the dreadful Pains of the Headache, so likewise, from the scorching Heat of Fevers. Every one knows, that a Fever is a high disorderly Motion, or over-boiling of the Blood, which seldom, or never, happens to Gouty Persons, because the malignant Recrements of the Blood, and Nervous Juice, which occasion Fevers, are continually deposited in the Joints of Gouty Persons, are there imprisoned, watered, and consumed by the Purging, Healing, Cleansing, Sanative Fire of the burning Gout. There is a Natural Motion, and Heat in the Blood, depending partly on its proper Crasis and Constitution [for being composed of Spirit, Salt, and Sulphur, Principles vigorous and active, it spontaneously grows Turgid and Tumultuous, like Generous Wine in narrow Vessel penned,] and partly to the Ferment implanted in the Heart, which Rarefies the Liquor passing thorough its Chancls, and and forces it to rise with Effervescence frothy. The Preternatural Ebullition of the Blood, is caused either by some Extraneous, Heterogeneous Mixture, or from the immoderate Exaltation of its own natural Spirit, or Sulphur, which when it happens, presently a high, and quick Pulse follows; the Blood, like a Sulphurous Liquor, taking Fire, diffuses its burning Heat all over the Body.  
The vast Sicilian Chasms, which vomit Flaming Heaps of Matter, Sulphurous, and Combustible, what are they, but Nature's Emblems of a burning fiery Fever? And when the Poet's Fable, That haughty Typhocus, big Eryx, and bold Enceladus, deep buried in the Earth by angry Jupiter, belch out those Fires, which waste the Country, and fright the Inhabitants, what meant they to denote, but the Restlessness of strenuous Heroes [for want of the Gout to withdraw the Feverish Fuel] frying in Flames Merciless, and Destructive?  
Methinks I pity the Young, and Healthy, whose Blood flows temperately, and never knew disorder; I pity them, I say, not for their present Ease, but because of their imminent Danger. For when a Royal Sun of France blazes, and perishes in Flames Painted by a brave Russel's Masterly Hand; when a vanquished Admiral shifts off in Boat Inglorious, a King of equal Valour from a safe Station all the while beholding the Monsieur's prudent care to preserve a Great Commander; when a haughty Marshal is beat out of the Strongest Bulwark, that Fenced his Master's treacherous Rapine, and, to induce that Master of his for once to keep the Cartel, can, in spite of all his blustering, part with his Sword: When Rebel Invaders are disappointed, and execrable Assassins punished, at such tempting occasions as these, who can forbear a rightful, lawful, and brimful Glass? Yet on so solemn a Festival, if the Healthy gives Nature but a Fillip, it may perchance throw him into a Fever, and that Fever perchance cost him his Life; whereas the Man that's obnoxious to the Gout, cheerfully ventures the Duty of the Day, well-knowing, that when the worst comes to the worst, 'tis but roaring in Purgatory some Forty Days, or so; and by that time the Gout has wasted, and cleansed off the Tartarous Recrements of undigested Falern, who knows but good News may come to make another Holiday.  
Purgatory, which cleanses the Souls of the departed from their Filth, which sets them out of the Danger of the Lake, and renders them (like  Tobacco-pipes) clean and pure, and fit for Paradise, is a true Picture of the Fire of the Gout, which spends the Morbisic Matter, that might otherwise throw the Body into a Hellish Fever. Indeed, Infidels and Heretics may object, and say, that perhaps Purgatory is but a false Story, but no matter for that; for Grave Authors teach, that a false Story may be a true Picture, and serve to illustrate as necessary a Doctrine as that of Purgatory, but in this, I am positive, that neither a false Story, nor a true one, can illustrate a more infallible Maxim than this, That the Purging Fires of the Gout withdraw the Fuel, from the destructive Fires of burning Fevers.  
Those learned and worthy Authors, that writ of Devils and Spirits, and know the Natures and Orders of them as perfectly, as heart can wish, tell us, that there be two sorts of them, White and Black, Good and Bad: So is it certainly with Diseases; the Gout, if it be lawful to call it a Disease, is a good and useful Disease, a White Devil; the Fever, a bad and hurtful Disease, a Black Devil, the Devil of a Disease, or a Disease that is the Devil, whom if ever the Physician casts out, I'll Swear it is by Compact: Whereas the Gout is an honest Febrifuge, the Operations thereof Natural, and Intelligible, something Painful indeed, but there's no Magic in them. By the way, If the Physician cures or casts out Black Diseases or Devils, by Compact with Black Devils, may it not be said to be a double wickedness? For I took it to be the Roman Priest's ungodly Office, with rumbling Exorcisms to eject them; but this is the fault also of other Dealers, there's nothing more common among them than to encroach upon one another's Trade. Can Tyrants inflict Fevers, they would never make use of Rack or Gibbet, Axe, or unrighteous Judge, unless the object of their Fate were an honest Gouty Fellow; for the Gout would soften the feverish Infliction, as the Popish Printer did his Father Confessor's Penance, when he boiled the Pease, which he was required to put in his Shoes before he took his walk. There is not certainly a severe Torment than a Burning Fever, nor a more Sovereign Antidote than the Medicinal Gout; so that 'tis a Truth, clear as the Sun, if more People had the Gout, fewer would die of a Fever. Having placed these things in so clear a light, I am strongly persuaded, that not Your Worship only, but the generality of the Age will set their prejudices aside, and yield to the happy force of the many useful Truths, which, by the bright Illumination of a violent Gout-Paroxysm, I have here discovered; so that hereafter, instead of the Old parting Compliments,— Save you, Sir, God keep you in good Health, I question not but we shall say,— The Gout defend you, Sir, God give you the Gout; for we ought not to hope for a Blessing without the means. To wish a Man the Gout, is to wish him that, which withdraws Fuel from Diseases, and preserves Life at so cheap a rate, it costs a Man not a Penny more than Patience.  
It has been the Opinion of some Writers, that none can be saved, who die of the Plague, but in judging of the Future State of others, I think it best to venture being mistaken on the Charitable side; and therefore I would sooner believe, that none can be Damned who have the Gout; and I must tell Your Worship, that I have known a less probable Sign of Salvation given by a Dissenting Rabbi to his Hearers.  
When Mercury, by the mighty Power of a Verse, borrowed from that great Architect Homer, heaved up the aspiring Mountain Pelion, and piled it entire on Heav'n-shouldring Ossa, and then helped Charon up to the top; the poor old Ferryman complained, That the distance from the Earth was so great, that he could not see what was done there: I am much afraid, Sir, that this uppermost Step of Ascent, on which I am going to Seat Your Worship, that you may have a full view of the amazing Excellence of the Medicinal, Useful, Health-restoring, Soul-enliv'ning Gout, will place you at such a vast distance above Terrene Things and Notions, that you will not be able to discern the true proportion of that Benefit which Crowns the Honour of the Gout; at least, not so plainly as I could wish.  
6. To Crown the Honour of the Gout, It is not to be Cured.  
The Gout defies all your Gross Galenical Methods, and all your exalted Chemical Preparations; for, the conjunct Causes thereof (as the Learned Willis confesses) lie in parts so very remote, that the Virtues of no Medicines can reach them; and Heaven be praised for it, for why, Sir, would you Cure [as you call it] the Gout, which gives you Pain without Danger, a better taste of Health by an acquaintance with Pain, a knowledge of future things, freedom from the Headache, and from Fevers?  
Bless us! That any Man should wish to be rid of the Gout, for want of which he may become obnoxious to Fevers, and Headache, be blinded in his Understanding, lose the taste of his Health, and the security of his Life. I hope you and I, dear Sir, shall be better advised, and to show that we are so, and at the same time, to set the World a good Example, I hope we shall neither of us ever tamper with the Doctor for the Cure of the Gout, which really and truly is incurable, unless the Patient be to be killed; which is what the Doctor's Medicines aim at, perhaps not what He directly aims at himself: For his Heart is chief upon his Fee; his Prayers, that his Patient may neither Die, nor Recover; at least not Die, while he's worth a Penny; but when his last Penny is spent, than the miserable Creature is forsaken, like the Poor Woman in the Gospel, and may Perish for all him, unless Heaven has a Miracle in store for a Poor Sinner that has been tormented by a nasty D— before his time. But lest I should be thought, in vindication of the Honour of the Gout, too severe against the Pretenders to Cure it, I shall argue against them, from their own confessions: We may say of every Medicaster, whether a College, or a Stage-Doctor, habemus confitentem reum; the whole Clan of them are Homicides by their own Confession. Other wicked People put on the Guise of honesty, for the better perpetrating their Crimes; but Physicians own the Roguery of their Art; indeed, to save themselves from public Infamy, they give this softening turn to their scandalous Cause. The Principles of their Art, they say, are difficult to be understood, and uncertain to be relied on; and then also the temperament of the Body, on which they Practise, can be but guessed at; so that, the success of the most Learned Practitioner can be but casual. Now, that after this, these Men should be entertained, and so general admittance given to their Practice, does evidently prove, that the generality of Men, when they lose their Health, lose their Wits together with it. I will allow, that it were reasonable for a Sick Man liberally to part with his Guinea's for his Health, if the Doctors, that have their Money in Hand, were sure of restoring Health, or upon failure would refund; but to pay down ready Money for a Lottery-Chance, where 'tis great odds but the Adventurer increases his Malady, and hastens his Death! I, for my part, declare against it, and am persuaded, that no one who considers rightly, but would keep his Money and bear his Burden. A spare and easy Diet shall be always my Physic, and I will leave it to Nature to do her own work. But let us come to some more particular acknowledgements of these deadly Enemies of Mankind.  
Galen, that is still revered as a God by Modern Practitioners, acknowledges it impossible to find out a Medicine that shall do any great good one way, and not do as much hurt another. The Learned Dr. Hammond fatally experienced the truth of this acknowledgement; the Medicine which was prescribed him to Cure the Gout, moved the Gravel from his Kidneys, which being too big to pass the Ureters, choked the Channel, and deprived him of his Life that way. Cornelius Agrippa tells us of one Rafis, a Physician of Note, who considering the foolish credulity of Patients, and the contentious ignorance of Professors in Physic, advised that never above one Doctor should be made use of at a time; giving this reason, Because the mistake of a single Man was less dangerous: And I would advise never to use any; for, as the mistake of one Man is less dangerous than of a Consult of them, so the having nothing to do with any one, is less dangerous than the mistake of one; for Nature can commit no mistake, but if not loaded with Luxury, nor disturbed with Physic, will vigorously strive to throw off every noxious Disease. Such the Gout is not, for Nature throwing off Morbific Matter to the remoter parts of the Body, does designedly beget the Gout, and make use of that admirable Remedy, to Cure Diseases already gotten, and to prevent others. But it is not mere reason which I rely upon, when I advise Men to trust Nature alone for their Recovery, and never go to a Physician, I have the greatest Authority to support my advice. 2 Chron. 16.12. Asa in the 39th. Year of his Reign was diseased in his Feet [as I am now, which hinders me from running to my Commentators] but I remember the Phrase of the Septuagint, is 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, his Feet were soft and tender [swelled with the Gout, that must be the meaning] until his Disease [Gout] was exceeding great, yet in his Disease [〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, in the extreme softness and tenderness of his Gout] he sought not to the Lord, but to the Physician. I do not see how our Doctors of Physic can evade the force of this Text, in defence of their Profession; for 'tis a very weak and precarious Reply, which they make, when they tell us, That Asa is blamed, not directly for seeking to the Physicians, but for not trusting in the Lord, when he sought to them. Now I will grant these Gentlemen, that it is the duty of Patients, to trust in the Lord, when they seek to the Physicians; nay, it is their Duty to trust in the Lord, then, above any other time; for than they run themselves into those hazards, that, if the Lord does not help them, 'tis odds but they miscarry. But I would have these Physicians, who make but sorry Interpreters of Scripture, to consider, that the Text sets seeking the Lord, and seeking the Physician, in opposition to one another; plainly enough implying, that the former was his Duty, the latter his Fault. But our Physicians, it seems, would have the Sick seek to the Lord, and them both; as if the Lord could not do his own work without them. Odi profanum Genus.— Hence, Sir, it is plain to me, that they are an Order of Men that Care not much what they say or do, to uphold their own Honour, and keep their ungodly Trade a going: But therefore I would wish all unhealthy People, who have bought their Misery of the Professors; and all honest Gentlemen, who are preserved by the Salutary Gout in the Land of the Living, to prefer a Bill in Parliament against this destructive Order of Men, that by a strong Cathartic Act, they may be Purged out of His Majesty's Dominions; I will engage that there's never a Family in the Nation, but shall by this means, besides their Health, save their Taxes, so that a vigorous War may be continued against France, till the Monsieur's not worth a Livre, and no body with us ever the Poorer. For such an useful Decree, we are not without a Precedent in History. The Wise Romans, under Marcus Porcius Cato, Banished Physicians, not only from Rome, but also from Italy, which Council, it may be reasonably thought, contributed not a little to the increase of their People; for, as where the most Lawyers are, there are the most Quarrels and Contentions; so where the most Physicians, there the most Funerals; and some say, where the most Divines, there the most differences about Religion; but that's not the fault of the Divines; for if the Magistrate would let the strongest Party alone, they would force all the rest to be of their Opinion. But I am afraid I forget myself in too long a Digression; what I ought chief to insist on, is, the Superlative Excellence of the Gout, which is never to be removed. The fear of losing a Blessing takes off from the pleasure of enjoying it. Thiefs may plunder your House, Age will ruin your Beauty, Envy may asperse your Reputation, Bribes corrupt your Faith, but the Gout is a sure Inheritance; neither Thiefs, nor Knaves; neither Time, nor Envy, nor any thing else, can despoil you of it. A Man may, himself, if he has a mind to't, squander his Estate, blemish his comely Form, injure his Fame, and renounce his Honesty; but let him get rid of the Gout if he can; that blessing he may take Comfort in, being secure, that 'tis for his Life. They say, there's more Care and Trouble in keeping an Estate, than getting it; as for the Gout, there may be some trouble in getting it, tho' that is mixed with pleasure too, but no Man is put to the least care or trouble for the safe keeping of the Gout; he may endure Misery enough indeed, if he seeks to the Physician for the Cure of it. You cannot be always Young and Handsome; but Gouty once, and Gouty ever; thence came the Proverb, Drink Claret, and have the Gout; and Drink no Claret, and still have it: The Gout, 'tis true, is the Reward of some Works, but there's no forfeiting it, and therein 'tis preferable to a Crown Imperial. Possibly a Wise and Worthy Person may secure his Virtue again dangerous Temptations, but then he must be always upon his Guard; but let him take as little Care of himself as he pleases, he shall never have the less Gout for his lose way of Living. But possibly it may be objected, That the Gout, Curing other Diseases, and not being to be Cured itself, becomes an encouragement to Intemperance, and Lust. The Lustful, and In temperate Drink, and Love on, reckoning that the Gout will carry off the Evil Consequences of wild Excess, and foolish Passion. Now I will not lie for the Gout, as much as I Honour it: If it were not for this one— abatement, 'twere Physic for an Angel. But, that the Reader may not reproach me for a gross Philosophical Error, I declare, that I do not mean, for the Spiritual Substance of an Angel, for that, I well know, needs no Physic, of one sort, or other; but for the Corporeal Vehicle which an Angel may chance to assume; which Vehicle, being rectified by the Gout, may, with less trouble, be actuated by the Angel.  
Sir, I thought to have taken a longer View of the Excellency of the Noble Gout, from this sublime Ascent, which represents it with its greatest advantage, the advantage of being Incurable: But, alas! the violent Paroxysm, which I have laboured under for these three short Days and Nights, abates; the Intenseness of my Pains considerably remits, and therefore I am forced to break off abruptly; for I am sensible, that no Man can do Honour to the Gout by a just and adequate Paneguric, but he that at the time of Writing feels it in extremity.   

To all the numerous Offspring of Apollo, whether Dogmatical Sons of Art, or Empirical By-blows.  
To all Pharmaceutic Residentiaries in Town, or City; also to all Stroling Practitioners and Impostors.  
GENTLEMEN,  
IF this Letter shall happen in any measure to spoil your Trade, Heaven make me thankful; for, well I know, that yours is the very Trade, of two Famous Princes, that have by one Method or other, rid out of the way, very great numbers of Men.  
A Malefactor Condemned to Die, aught to be free from all manner of insults as he goes to Execution. I know it, and therefore do not Dedicate this Letter to you, by way of Insult, but Friendly to mind you, that since your unrighteous Trade is Broke, or Breaking, You would timely bethink yourselves, what Honest Employment you may be fit for; If you'll take my advice, you shall Travel; for, to your Sorrow, you have known an overgrown Farrier from abroad, make a great Doctor in England; Why should not you make as good Farriers abroad, as they do Doctors here? This is certain, like true Farriers, you have Prescribed to many a weak Man a Medicine for a Horse; so then, for the Materia Medica 'tis the same, nothing will be troublesome, and uneasy to you; in your New Profession, but that you shall never get as much by Practising on the Spavin, as the Gout; but you must be content with less Earnings; What! you can't in Conscience expect as much for Killing a Horse, as a Man.  
To this Change of your Profession, not only the discovery of the Frands and Dangers thereof, but also the Name of your Great Patron Hypocrates invites— What are You more than He? Come, come, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, Change Name and Profession, better a Murrain among Horses than a Plague among Men.  
Having thus obliged you, gentlemans, in an Epistle Decicatory, by minding you of the imminent Decay of your Practice upon Humane Bodies, and teaching you how to make the best of a bad Market, by trying experiments upon Horseflesh; I hope you will make me that grateful return, as to prevent the Obligation I confer on you from turning to my prejudice; therefore if any Gouty Person that may happen to malign you, shall object against me, and say, I had better have made a Forlorn Regiment of you, and sent you to have been knocked o'th' head in Flanders, than given you a Licence to Kill Horses, remember to say this for yourselves and your Benefactor, That when the Devils were ejected out of Humane Bodies, they were suffered to enter into Swine.  
FINIS.