All Mistaken, OR THE Mad Couple. A COMEDY, ACTED by His Majesty's SERVANTS, at the Theatre Royal, Written, by the Honourable James Howard, Esq  
LONDON, Printed by H. Brugis, for james Magnes in Russel-street, near the Piazza in Covent-garden, 1672.   

The Actors Names.  

The Duke.  
Ortellus, next of Kin to the Duke: of an Ambitious, and Treacherous Nature.  
Arbatus, supposed Brother to Artabella.  
Philidor, a Mad Kinsman of the Dukes, in Love with Mirida.  
Zoranzo, The Duke's Prisoner of War: in love with Amarissa.  
Pinguister, Two Ridiculous Lovers of Mirida.  
Lean-man, Two Ridiculous Lovers of Mirida.  
Doctor to Pinguister.  
Taylor to Lean-man.  
jailor.  
Servant to Philador.  
Boy.  
Clown  
Guard and Attendances.   

Women.  
Amphelia, in love with the Duke.  
Artabella, the Duke's Sister; but taken for the Sister of Arbatus.  
Mirida, Philador's mad Mistress.  
Amarissa, in love with Zoranzo.  
6. Ladies.  
3. Nurses with Children.   
Scene ITALY.   
All Mistaken, OR THE Mad Couple.  

ACT I.  
SCENE I.  Enter Duke from War, in Triumph, leading in his hand Artabella, a Woman of that Country, from whence he came with Arbatus her Brother, and Zoranzo Prisoner, and on the other side Amphelia and Ortellus and Guard. Duke. 
MAdam I need not say you're welcome to this Country since 'tis mine.  Artab. 
Sir, leaving my own for yours, speaks my belief of that and all things else you say.  Duke. 
The same unto your worthy Brother  
Besides my thanks to you Sir for letting  
Your Sister take this Journey.  Arbat. 
Your Highness hath so Nobly Expressed  
Yourself unto my Sister, that I  
Consented to her Coming with you, so  
Highly I esteemed your Princely word,  
That I have let her Trespass on the  
Bound of Common Modesty in this  
Adventure, for when this hasty Judging  
World shall see you have brought a woman  
From her'owne Country and not your  
Wife, how soon will every Tongue give her  
Another title.  Duke. 
Sir my sudden Actions shall prevent all  
Tongues or thoughts either to name or  
Think her any thing but my Duchess,  
Therefore all that owe Duty or Respect  
To me, pay it to her.  
What Amphelia did you believe the world  
So Barren of good Faces, that yours  
Only does enrich it, or did you think 'twas  
All men's fates only to Dote on yours.  
Look on this Lady and you'll see your  
Error, mark well her face and you  
Will find in every line Beauty sits  
Empress there, These are the Eyes  
Amphelia now, that dart obedience  
Through my heart, are not you vexed  
To see I am no Constant fool and  
Love you still.  Amphe. 
Vexed at what, to see a man I hate;  
Love another, a very great vexation:  
Know Sir this Breast has only  
Room for Joy and Love, to brave Ortellus,  
Forgive my heart that 'twas not  
Yours before, since you have long  
Deserved it.  Ortell. 
Madam, no time was long enough  
To wait this Blessed hour.  Amphe. 
Alas great Duke instead of pineing  
For your Change, you find me  
Midst a Thousand Joys in this  
New Choice.  Duke. 
So you do me Amphelia, amidst  
Ten Thousand; Not all the  
Glories that attend a Conquering  
Soldier can create one Joy so great  
In me as being Conquered here in  
My own Triumphs. I am but a slave.  
Nor does my victory over Thousands please  
Me so much as being overcome by  
One, by this fair one, whose Eyes  
By shining on my Triumphs only  
Make it Glorious.  Amphe. 
Well Sir we will not change our happy  
States; you cannot brag of happiness  
So great to make me Envy, I am  
Only sorry for this Lady that had nothing  
Else to do with her heart 〈…〉  
It you: Madam if your Breast had  
Been Crowded with some Twenty or  
Thirty hearts, and amongst these one very  
Ill, you might have made present of  
That to this mighty Duke.  Duke. 
Madam does not this Lady's discourse  
Make you afraid of me.  Artab. 
Not in the least Sir.  Duke. 
Where's this bold Prisoner.  Guard. 
Here and please your Highness.  Duke. 
Well Sir, though you did attempt to Kill me  
In our Camp after you were our Prisoner  
You shall not die, since you are of the  
Same Country this Lady is, Therefore  
Thank her and Fortune for your Life.  Zo. 
I'd sooner Curse them both, shall I thank  
Any for my life but heaven that gave  
It me, I'd rather give it to a Cat, a  
Noble Death were far more welcome  
To me, than a mean Life at second  
Hand, my being here I owe unto the  
Gods when they think fit to lend it  
Me no longer, they know the way  
To take it from me, I scorn to run  
In debt unto a Mortal Duke, for two  
Or three days' Breath.  Amphe. 
Brave Captive— a side  Duke. 
You're very high considering you  
Are in Chains.  Zo. 
Why Sir think you these Fetters can  
Confine my mind as they do my Legs,  
Or that my Tongue's your Prisoner,  
And dares only say may it please your  
Highness. How much are you mistaken:  
Know Sir my Soul is Prompter to my Tongue;  
And gives it Courage to say any thing,  
That Heaven will not frown at we should  
Detract from those great powers above, if  
We pay fears to any here below, perhaps  
You think, I'll beg my life now upon  
A pair of bent Petitioning knees. No Sir  
Had I a hundred lives, I'd give them all  
To sharpest Deaths, rather than Beg for one;  Duke. 
You're well resolved, perhaps your mind  
May alter, when you see the Ax.  
In the mean time Commit him to the  
Closest Prison, where if you have any  
Accounts with heaven, you'll have time  
To Cast them up before your Death.  Zo. 
Your Sentence brings me Joy; welcome  
The Keenest Axe that can be set, 'twill  
Cut my Head and Chains both off together.  
Welcome most happy stroke, since it  
Will bring rest to my Eyes, and make  
A Slave a King.—  Exit with Guard Duke. 
Madam I suppose this Journey has so  
Wearied you, that 'tis time to show you  
The way to your Lodgings, and leave you  
To your Repose.  Guard. 
Make way there for the Duke,  Amph. 
My Lord you had best Attend the Duke.  
Because 'tis a Respect due to him.  Ortell. 
I shall Madam at your Commands.  Exeunt Amphe. 
How has my tongue belied my too true  
Heart, in speaking hate unto the Duke and love to Ortellus.  
I hate the Duke, so Eyes do sleep that long have known  
No rest, how could my Lips give passage,  
To such words and not have closed for ever.  
Not by my heart's direction I am sure, for  
That so swelled being injured by my  
Mouth, as had not Pride and reason Kept  
It here from this unquiet seat, it would  
Have forced away to Archimedes Breast,  
And there have whispered to his heart my  
Tongue's untruth. Why should I love this  
Man, that shows me nothing but Contempt,  
And hate: Rouse drooping heart, and think  
Of that, think of it always, so by degrees,  
'Twill bring a Winter round thee, that in  
Time shall Chill the heat of thy undone  
And lost affections, oh 'tis not true that all our  
Sex Love Change, than I might find one  
Path that leads to it, that womanish vice,  
Were virtue now in me, 'twould free my  
Heart; and that were Charity.  Enter Duke. 
See where he comes again, oh how I love  
And hate that man. Now help me Pride and fill  
My Breast with scorn, and prithee Tongue  
Take heed you do not falter, hear not  
My heart that will distract thy speech, and  
So betray my feigned unkindness.  Duke. 
What Amphelia all alone, weary of your new  
Love already, cant you pass away the  
Time with him one Hour.  Amphe. 
Were he no finer man than yourself to  
Be with him a Minute, I should think a  
Seven Years penance.  
Good heart lie still, and let my tongue alone. aside.  
I wonder what a woman can see in you,  
Or hear from you, to make her Love you.  
I was Just going to have said, hate him.  
O what a task is this, therefore let me  
Advise you to have a mean opinion  
Of yourself.  Duke. 
Me thinks that advice might serve for  
Yourself ha', ha, ha.  Amphe. 
Have patience heart I know I lie, thou  
Needest not tell me so, I had better than  
Confess my Love. D'ye laugh Duke, faith  
So could I at you till the tears ran down  
My Cheeks, that they would quickly do,  
For grief would fain unload my Eyes.  
I must begone, I cannot longer Act this  
Part, unless I had a heart as hard as his.  Duke. 
What you are going now to your Love Ortellus  Amphe. 
I am so, and going from you to him is  
Pleasure double, not only pain to quit,  
But Joy to meet.  Duke. 
Make haste then for your departure will  
Oblige me too, so we shall be all pleased.  Amphe. 
Hast I will make, but with unwilling feet. aside.  
For every step from him my griefs repeat.  Exit. Duke. 
She's gone and after her my heart is flown,  
'Tis well it has no Tongue to make its moan;  
Then 'twou'd discover what my Pride conceals.  
A heart in Love (though slighted) Love reveals,  
Yet though I love her still she shall not know.  
Her hate shall seem my Joy; which is my Woe.  
My constancy I'll Outwardly disguise.  
Though here within I am not half so wise,  
Yet rather than disclose my doting fate,  
I'll wound my heart by Counterfitting hate.  
To whine it would the worst of Follies prove;  
Since women only pity when they Love.  
With how much scorn she gave me welcome home?  
Ortellus in her hand to show my Doom.  
Me and my Triumphs she did so despise,  
As if they'd been unworthy of her Eyes.  
'Tis well to her I showed as much disdain:  
I'd rather perish than she guess my pain.  
But O! the horrid Act she makes me do,  
To fool a woman that is young and true.  
So damned a Sin, that Hell could not invent;  
It is to foul for any punishment;  
To question those above I am afraid,  
Else I would ask them why they woman made.  Enter Philidor. 
O my Mad x your Servant.  
Whether so fast?  Phili. 
So fast Sir, why, I have been haunted  
By a Pack of Hounds this three Hours,  
And damned deepmouthed Hounds too.  
No less than three Couple of Nurses.  
Three Couple of Plaguy hunting Bitch's.  
And with them three Couple of Whelps  
Alias Children Sir, they have Rung me  
Such a Ring this Morning through  
Every by turning that leads to a Bawdy  
House, I wished myself Earthed a thousand  
Times, as a Fox does when he is hard Run,  
But that they would have presently  
Dead me out with their Tongues.  Duke. 
Faith Philidor 'tis no news to me, for I  
Have known thee from sixteen at this  
Course of Life, what and these Children were  
All your Bastards, and their Nurses coming  
To dun you for money?  Phill. 
Something of thats in't I think Sir.  Duke. 
Well couz I'll leave thee to thy wildness,  
A fitter Companion much for thee then I at this time.  Phill. 
Why Sir, I hope nothing has happened to trouble you.  Duke. 
No, No.  
My grief alas is far beyond Express,  
To tell it to a friend can't make it less.  Exit. Phill. 
Would I were at the wars again, I fear  
No Sword half so much as the Tongue  
Of one of these Nurses, and the youling of  
The Children are more dismal to my  
Ears, than the Groans of Dying men in  
A Battle, I am at this time in Law with  
Six or seven Parishes about fathring  
Of Bastards, 'tis very fine truly, and yet me  
Thinks'tis a hard Case, that I should be  
Sued for Multiplying the world, since death  
Makes bold with Bastards as well as other  
Children, the very Picture of a Nurse and  
Child in her arms would fright me now,  
Oh from that sight— deliver me!  Enter Nurse and Child as he is going out. 
Ha! and here they come: Pox on't what luck have I  
After saying my prayers, it shall be a fair  
Warning to me, now am I started again,  
And must go Run t'other Course. offers to Run away  1. Nurse. 
Esquire Philidor, Esquire Philidor. she Runs after him.  Phili. 
How deaf am I now, 'tis well I know  
This by way to avoid her.  Enter second Nurse and meets him. 
Ha! 'Sdeath another, the Devil appearing  
Here too.  2. Nurse, 
O my Proper young squire, stay stay,  
d'ye hear sir,  Phill. 
No indeed won't I. Yet I know one way  
More to avoid them.  Enter third Nurse. 
Ha! another coming here too, nay then I  
Find I am in Hell, before I thought I should.  
What will become of me now?  3. Nurse. 
Oh Squire, I thought I should never have  
Spoke with your Worship,  Phili. 
No by this light should you not if I  
could have hope it.  1 Nurse. 
I wonder Squire at your Conscience to avoid  
Your pretty babes as you do.  Phili. 
So, nowed begins, I am like to have  
Sweet Music from the Consort of  
These Nurse's tongues.  1 Nurse. 
Saving your presence fir, I think  
Here are three as sweet Babes as ever sucked  
Teat, and all born within the year too,  
Besides three more that your Worship has  
In our street.  Phili. 
A very hopeful generation, sure this was  
A great Nut year; well if all Trades  
Fail, I may go into some Foreign  
Plantation where they want people, and  
Be well paid for my pains, would I  
Were there now.  1 Nurse. 
Codge, Codge, does a laugh upon a dad,  
In conscience sir the child knows your Worship.  Phili. 
A very great comfort.  1 Nurse. 
My young Master here is as like your  
Worship, as e'er he can look, has your  
Tempting eyes to a hair, I could not  
Choose but smile to myself t'other day,  
I was making him clean about the  
Secrets, to see what God had sent him  
In a plentiful manner, it put me half  
In mind of your Worship, I am sure I  
Have been at double the expense of  
Other Nurses in eating choice meat to  
Make my milk good for my young  
Master, because I would not spoil the  
Groat of any one of his Members.  2 Nurse. 
Nay for that Neighbour, I have eat as  
Good or better meat than you every day  
In the week; I never touched a bit of salt  
Meat, for fear of spoiling my child's  
Blood.  Philli. 
Considering how well 'tis born.  3 Nurse. 
Nay Neighbours for that I have been  
At greater charge than either of you in  
Choice diets, to breed good milk for  
My young Mistress here,  1 Nurse 
You Lye.  2 Nurse. 
You're a Quean.  1 Nurse. 
And you're a Whore. Marry your husband  
Is the notedst Cuckold in all our street.  2 Nurse. 
You lie you jade yours is a greater.  Phili. 
His— now for a battle Royal.  1 Nurse. 
If I lay the child out of my arms Lays their children down and fight.  
I'll pull off your headclothes you Carrion  2 Nurse. 
Marry come if thou durst.  Phili. 
'Tis best for me to be a Coward  
And march off from this bloody fight.  All Nurses. 
Hold, hold, the Squire is going away.  Phili. 
So nothing could have parted them this  
Three hours, but the fear of losing me.  1 Nurse. 
What would your Worship have left us,  
Without paying us for Nurseing your  
Children, you have a Conscience with a  
Pox to you.  Phili. 
So, now will they end their War in  
Volleys of shot upon me, I have but  
One thing now to do, with every one  
Of these hags have I been forced to  
Lie with, which they took as satisfaction  
For payment for two months Nurseing,  
Perhaps rather than they will have it  
Known to one another, they'll hold their  
Tongues and leave me,— well my three  
Sweet harmonious Nurses what is due to you.  1 Nurse. 
Due, why there was twelve months  
Due for Nurseing, 'tis true two months  
Your Squireship satisfied me for  2 Nurse. 
And me too.  3 Nurse. 
And me likewise.  Phili. 
Hark ye, if you will not be gone I'll tell  1 Nurse. 
No marry wont I, till I have my money.  2. Nurse. 
Don't think to fright me, but pay me.  3 Nurse. 
I fear you not, pay me my money.  Phili. 
Pox on't 'twill not do, I must try another  
Way. Boy was the Wolf fed to day.  Boy. 
No sir.  Phili. 
Go fetch him quickly to dine with these  
Ladies.— Exeunt Nurses.  
So, I thought I should set them going,  
Ha! the Devil they have left the  
Children behind them, this was a  
Very cunning device of mine, now am  
I in a pretty condition. Troth a very  
Noble Anabaptist Progeny, for the  
Devil a one of these were ever Christened;  
For I have run so much upon tick  
To the Parsons for Christening of  
Children, that now they all refuse to  
Make any Bastards of mine a Christian  
Without ready money, so that I'll  
Have this boy bred up a Parson, that he  
May christian himself and the rest of his  
Sisters and brothers, what shall I do  
When these Infants begin to be hungry  
And you'll for the Tear. O that a milk  
Woman would come by now, well I must  
Remove my flock from hence. Small  
Cole, small Cole, will you buy any small  
Coal, Pox on't I could never light of  
Any but fruitful Whores, small coal  
Small coal— Exit.   

ACT II.  Enter Zoranzo as in Prison. Zo. 
SUre 'tis not kind, of those great Powers above  
To add these Chains to me that am in Love.  
As to my Bed of straw, I am content,  
Since any bed from her is punishment.  
To lie on down of Swans would be hard rest,  
Could I not make my pillow on her breast.  
O Amarissa were't thou here with me,  
I would not sell these Bonds for Liberty.  
Ransoms that Prisoners give to be set free,  
I'd give as much to Lie in Chains by thee. pulls out her Picture.  
Here is her Picture, Oh thou too like shade,  
To look on it my Eyes are half afraid.  
It so presents my Joy and Misery;  
Since 'tis the Nothing of that all to me.  
The greatest pain to any Lover's heart:  
Is to remember when they are a part.  
For thoughts of Joys when there's a Bar Betwixt,  
Are worse than poison with a Cordial mixed.  Enter Amphelia and Jailor. Amph. 
Well said Jailor, here's for thy pains  
Brave Prisoner, perhaps this visit may appear  
But strange to you, till you have heard me  
Speak, Know then when you received the  
Sentence of your death, you seemed to  
Meet it with so brave a Soul, as if the  
Sound had not displeased your Ears, thus  
Did your Courage fill my Eyes with wonder,  
And my heart with Pity, straight I resolved;  
To give you all my helps to set you free,  
Which now I offer to you.  Zo. 
Madam could I tell what to say I would  
Begin, I have nothing but poor thanks  
To offer to you, and those though Millions  
Were not half enough. Compassion showed  
Unto the Miserable Heaven can only  
Recompense, therefore in my Dying  
Prayers I will beg from thence, a Blessing  
To reward your Pity.  Amph. 
Sir the Joy of your Escape will pay my pains,  
All my Endeavours I will set at work,  
The time is short, therefore I must make  
Hast, Expect to hear of me again with speed.  Enter Ortellus as she is going out. Zo. 
What can this mean, heaven grant she  
Does not Love me, I would not wish so  
Brave a heart, so great a Punishment,  
Since my Love's fixed already.  Ortell. 
Madam I have been seeking you, pray  
Whence came you, this is no usual place  
To find you in.  Amph. 
I was only walking this way Sir.  Ortell. 
I'll wait of you presently. I suspect  
She has been at the Prison; I will inform  
Myself by the jailer, and yet perhaps  
She has bid him to deny it: steps to th' Jailor.  
The Lady Amphelia says she has left  
One of her Gloves behind her in the Prison;  
And has sent me for it.  jay. 
I'll go see straight Sir— Exit.  Ortell. 
She has been there it seems then.  
Madam I fancy you have been to see the Prison.  Amph. 
Who I, what makes you think so.  Ortell. 
Why, am I mistaken?  Amph. 
Yes what should I do there.  Ortell. 
Nay that's the Question, but there you  
Have been just now, and with the  
Prisoner too.  Amph. 
Sure you dream.  Ortell. 
She's false I find, I'll try her Love to me,— aside.  
Madam since you have been Pleased to  
Show your Kindness publicly to me;  
I take this time to beg my happiness,  
Which is that a Priest may Join  
Our hands.  Amph. 
I will not Marry yet.  Ortell. 
Why pray Madam.  Amph. 
For a very good reason, because I haunt a mind too't.  Ortell. 
Will you give me another reason.  Amph. 
I need not, that's sufficient.  Ortell. 
You Love me, do you not?  Amph. 
You know I have declared it.  Ortell. 
But sure you'll not deny me twice.  Amph. 
Not if you ask but once.  Ortell. 
Fie, Fie, this Modesty is a Thief to Lovers  
And Robs them of their time, Come, Come  
Say I and blush.  Amph. 
I'll not say I, nor blush.  Ortell. 
If you had any Modesty you would.  Amph. 
You said just now I had too much.  Ortell. 
To much of Impudence you mean.  Amph. 
What's that you say.  Ortell. 
Why truth.  Amph. 
Get you out and wash your Tongue, 'tis foul.  Ortell. 
'Tis like your heart then, but that it  
Cannot Lie as much.  Amph. 
Most valiant Lord to give the Lie to Petticoats.  Ortell. 
Why did you deny your being in the Prison.  Amph. 
Not for fear of you, I was with the brave  
Prisoner, what then.  Ortell. 
You went to make love to him, you had  
Best use your Time well, 'twill be short  
And sweet, your dear will not be so  
Proper a man by the head within this  
Two days. False woman, you have a  
Heart that flies from one man's breast  
To another; all the inconstancy of your  
Sex is Constancy to this of yours: you  
Have deceived the Duke already, that  
Might have been my warning.  Amph. 
Faith and so it might, the Duke in all  
Things so far Excels you that you were  
A fool to think when once my heart  
Bid him farewell, that it designed no  
Better a Change than you; troth you're  
Mistaken, it had a further Journey to  
Make; and so took your Breast for an  
Inn; only to Lie by the way.  Ortell. 
Base woman, is't not enough that  
You have fooled me but you must mock  
Me too, heaven hold my hand from  
Murdering thee.  Amph. 
Fright those that fear you.—  Exit. Ortell. 
Cursed of all fooled men (like me) light  
Heavy on thee, Revenge begins to fill  
My heart and I will pour it out on  
This base woman. I know the way,  
I'll to the Duke.  Enter Duke. 
I am glad I have met your Highness, for  
I have business to impart to you that Concerns  
Your Life.  Duke. 
What is't Ortellus.  Ortell. 
Know Sir Amphelia that  Duke. 
Loves you.  Ortell. 
No Sir she Loves the Prisoner  Duke. 
'Tis impossible.  Ortell. 
'Tis very true Sir, I caught her coming from him,  
She is designeing his Escape, and for aught  
I know, her Love to him may put other  
Thoughts into her head.  Duke. 
What d'ye mean.  Ortell. 
She may design your Life, a woman that  
Is ill, Exceeds a man in Mischief.  Duke. 
My Lord I thank your Care, if you can  
Track her further, pray let me know, in  
The mean time I shall prevent her  
Ill intentions.  Ortell. 
My diligence shall not be wanting, so  
Since I can have no Love, Revenge  
Shall be my Mistress.—  Exit. Duke. 
Oh Amphelia why dost thou take such  
Pains to break my heart when 'tis to  
Easily done. She needs not secretly contrive  
My death since half a word from her,  
Commands my life, her face and heart,  
Sure cannot be a kin, Nature Mistook,  
Or else she was too blame to give one  
Woman to so great Extremes.  Enter Arbatus. 
See here comes the Brother to wronged Artabella.  
The horror of that sin grows bigger in me,  
That I with a deludeing Love should fool  
An Innocent, to show an outward scorn  
To false Amphelia, for when I heard she  
Loved Ortellus, I straight made Love to  
This young woman, and brought her from  
Her own Country, only to make Amphelia  
Think I loved another.  Arbat. 
I hope I don't disturb your Highness'  Duke. 
No Arbatus you are always welcome to me.  Arba. 
Sir, I should ask you a question.  Duke. 
You freely may.  Arba. 
Not but I think my Sister far unworthy  
Either in Birth or Fortune, to be called  
Your Wife: Yet since you have been  
Pleased to grace her with your Love so  
Far, as saying she shall be your  
Duchess, be pleased to tell me why  
It is not so; she has been here so  
Long, that people now begin to say you  
Mean her for your Mistress, should my  
Ears meet that sound from any  
Tongue, I'd—  Duke. 
Hold Arbatus, I'm sure I have given no  
Cause as yet to doubt my kindness to  
Your Sister.  Arba. 
Pardon me Sir, in your delay you have;  
My Sister has no Dowry but her Virtue,  
Youth, and some small stock of Beauty.  
These if you loved her for, you would  
Not waste, by letting time rob her and  
You at once.  Duke. 
Sir, business of great importance has  
Hitherto deferred my Marriage, believe  
Me you shall find me just.  Arba. 
A Prince's word must not be questioned  
I have done.  Duke. 
Oh Amphelia what does thou make me do.  Exit. Arba. 
Let him take heed, if he does fool my Sister, were  
He ten thousand Dukes I'd cut his throat.  Exit. Enter Philidor alone. Philli. 
I have been quite at t'other end o'th'  
Town to put my children out to new  
Nurses, for I am known so to every Nurse  
Here about, that they will as soon nurse  
A Cat's kitten as any child of mine; this  
Is a very pleasant life I lead, neither  
Is this the worst part of it, for there are  
A certain flock of women that I have  
Promised Marriage, I expect a volley of  
Shot from them too, soon as they find  
Me out; would Wives and Children were  
as hard to come by as Money, then would  
I turn Usurer, and let 'em out to use, for  
To say truth I have enough to spare  Enter Six Ladies one after another. 
So here comes one of my promised Virgins.  
Nay a second too,— a third— a fourth,  
A fifth— a sixth— Welcome blessed  
Half dozen, now will I go Muster my  
Nurses and children to, and go against the  
Great Turk. I am glad to see they have  
Brought ne'er a Coffin, for I expect nothing  
But death from them: I wonder they don't  
Begin to Ring my Funeral peal.  
See every one of them Beckons to me, as much  
As to say, I'd speak with you in private,  
But the Devil take me if e'er a one  
Of them do, I find by this, they would  
Not have their business known to  
One another, this may be a means for me  
To get off for this time; Ladies you all  
Look as if you had something to say to me.  
Pray make me so happy as to let me know  
What 'tis:  
They dare not speak aloud, aside.  
Will you Madam, or you, or you Madam,  
Or you Madam; not one of you tell me  
What the honour of these Visits mean.  
I see I am troublesome to you all, therefore  
I'll not be longer Rude; and so I take  
My leave; This was good luck, that  
They should come altogether, for I had Beckon him.  
Rather be alone six hours with the Devil  
Then with e'er a one of them half an  
Hour, I'll stand close in this corner,  
Till they are all gone.  1 Lady. 
Now the Pox take him for a cunning Rogue.  2 Lady. 
A Plague take him.  3 Lady. 
The Devil take him.  4 Lady. 
If there be e'er a Devil worse than another  
Take him thou.  5 Lady. 
Oh that I had him alone.  6. Lady. 
Was there ever such a Rascal.  Exeunt at several doors. Phil. 
So the cost is clear again. peeps out.  Enter Mirida. 
'Sdeath here comes another, O 'tis none  
Of that gange though.  Mirida. 
I'll lay my head, ne'er a Girl in  
Christendom of my age can say what  
I can, I'm now but five years' i'th'  
Teens, and I have fooled five several men.  Phili. 
A brave wench by this light, sure 'tis I  
In Petty coats.  Mirida. 
My humour is to love no man but to  
Have as many Love me as they please  
Come Cut or Long tail.  Phili. 
A most Divine wench.  Mirida. 
'Tis a rare diversion to see what several  
Ways my flock of Lovers have in being,  
Ridiculous, some of them sigh so  
Damnably, that 'tis as troublesome as a  
Windy day ' there's two of them that make  
Their Love together, by languishing Eye-  
Casts, one of them has one Eye bigger than  
Another, and he looks like a Tumbler, and  
That Eye's like a Musket Bullet, and I expect  
Every Minute when he will hit me with it,  
He aims so right at me. My other  
Lover looks a squint, and to see him cast  
Languishing Eyes, would make a woman  
With child Miscarry. There is also a  
Very fat man, Mr. Pinguister, and a very  
Lean man that loves me; I tell the  
Fat man I cannot Marry him till he's  
Leaner, and the lean man I cannot Marry  
Him till he's Fat: So one of them purges  
And runs heats every morning to pull  
Down his sides, and the other makes his  
Tailor stuff his clothes to make him show  
Fatter: Oh! what pleasure do I take in  
Fooling of Mankind.  Phili. 
Was there ever so witty a wench, 'tis the  
Woman of women for my turn, I'll  
To her, thou most Renowned Female  
I cannot hold.  Miri. 
From what?  Phili. 
From kissing thee, loving thee, or what  
Thou wilt.  Miri. 
Troth you're very well acquainted, considering  
You never saw me before.  Phili. 
Saw thee, I have heard thee talk this  
Hour, like an Angel of light.  Miri. 
Well, and d'ye love me for what you heard me say.  Phili. 
Yes faith do I, why you are just of my  
Humour, when I heard thee say how many men  
You had fooled, I was very glad to hear  
You come one short of me, for I have  
Fooled six women, and you but five men.  Miri. 
Why if you love me you shall be the sixt fool,  
To make up my half dozen too.  Phili. 
No I wont, and yet I'll love thee too.  Miri. 
Why how will you help it?  Phili. 
Thus you and I will love one another.  Mir. 
What whether I will or no.  Phi. 
Nay hear me, we two will Love how we  
Please, when we please, and as long as  
We please, do not these Propositions  
Tickle your heart a little.  Mir. 
I don't mislike them. Now could I take him  
About the Neck and Kiss him for this humour  
Of his, and do you say you will Love me.  Phi. 
Yes marry will I.  Mir. 
Nay hold, I won't marry you.  Phi. 
Nor I thee, for all the world.  Mir. 
And yet you say you will Love me.  Phi. 
I tell you I will, make no more words on't.  Mir. 
Why then hark you, to be as obsolute  
As you, I will Love you too. That is to say,  
Upon the aforesaid Conditions.  Phi. 
With all my heart, prithee don't think  
That I will Love thee upon any other  
Terms; but come we must seal this  
Bargain with Hands, Hearts, and Lips.  Mir. 
No, No, no Lips; we'll only shake  
Hands upon't, that's enough for so  
Weighty a Contract as this of ours.  Phi. 
But prithee le's seal the Bargain.  Mir. 
No, no Sir I use no Wax to my Lips.  Phi. 
Nay by my Troth I care not a Pin to Kiss thee.  Mir. 
No, look upon me well and see if you  
Can say so again.  Phi. 
Hum, yes faith, I will give two pence to  
Kiss thee now.  Mir. 
Well Sir when I do Kiss you, I'll  
Bate you a penny of that.  Phill. 
Now you and I will sing this Song.  He sings. 

My love and I a bargain made,  
It is well worth a telling,  
When one was weary we agreed.  
To part both should be willing.   Mir. 
Nay here I'm for you too.  She sings. 

And thus our Loves will longer last  
Then fools that still are pining,  
we'll spend our time in joy and mirth  
Whilst doaters do in whining.   Phili. 
Faith you and I sing very well; we  
Are alike in that too: I see either  
Nature or the Devil, some body, or something,  
Made thee and me for one another; well,  
But let us remember our conditions.  
Imprimis, I will love you.  Mir. 
Item, So will I you.  Phi. 
I will not say how long.  Mir. 
Item, Nor I neither.  Phi. 
Item, It may be I can love you but a week.  Mir. 
Item, I don't care if it be but a day.  Phi. 
Item, I will never be tied to any thing.  Mir. 
Item, Thou shalt be tied to what thou Wilt but me.  Phi. 
Item, I will come when I please, and go when I please.  Mir. 
Item, Thou shalt drowned thyself when Thou wilt, or hang thyself when thou Wilt, or go to the Devil when thou wilt.  Phi. 
Item, If I should like another woman, I Will have the liberty of leaving you, Without any Ceremony, but just saying Good buy.  Mir. 
Item, If I should like any man better than You, I'll leave you without saying so Much as good buy.  Phi. 
Item, The first that sighs of us two Shall fast a week.  Mir. 
Item, The first that looks but Melancholy of us two shall Be starved to Death.  Phi. 
To Conclude we will be both as mad As we please.  Mir. 
Agreed and the Devil take the Tamest.  Phi. 
A blessed Bargain, but hark you there's  
One thing I have forgot,  Mir. 
What's that.  Phi. 
Have you had as many Children as I,  Mir. 
No indeed haunt I:  Phi. 
Why then you must let me help you to'um,  
That you may be even with me there too.  Mir. 
Hold Sir, that bargain's yet to make.  Phi. 
Pox on't that should have been one  
Of our Articles.  Mir. 
Well I can stay no longer with you now.  Phi. 
Nay prithee hold, thou shalt not go get,  
I can't part with you so soon.  Mir. 
I but I have a mind to go, and that's one  
Of our Articles.  Phi. 
Well but shan't we put that other  
Article in before we part  Mir. 
No, no, good buy to you.  Phi. 
Farewell Mettle.—  Exit. Enter Pinguister, Doctor and Servants. Mir. 
Look you Mr. Pinguister this is the  
Measure must meet about your waste  
Before I marry you.  Ping. 
This, why 'twill not come about the small tries the measure himself.  
Of my Leg.  Mir. 
Sir, I am the sorryer for it, but it must  
Compass your Middle before you can be  
My dear Chuck, your Servant Sir,  
I am in haste.  Ping. 
Prithee thou damnable pretty Rogue,  
Let me have some comfort from thee  
Before thou goest, either from thy Eyes,  
Thy Cheeks, Mouth or Nose, or some  
Part about thee; Consider what a  
Dissolution I must undergo for Love  
Of thee.  Mir. 
I do indeed Sir, but your Servant  
For this time.—  Exit. Ping. 
Worthy Doctor my hopes are all in you now,  
I have tried many Physicians already  
To make me lean enough for that  
Tormenting pretty Fairy Devil.  Doct. 
Truly Sir your case is very desperate,  
But if any man in the world can drain  
Your fat from you, 'tis I; Sir we will  
Begin your Course out of hand.  Ping. 
Do you hear, besure I have at least  
Two dozen of Napkins, ready upon  
The spot to rub me at every turn,  
Therefore come you all along with me,  
Have mercy on me, I have Love and  
Fat enough, to furnish a whole Nation. Exeunt.   

ACT III.  Enter Amphelia going to the Prison. Amph. 
HOw false a woman to all Eyes I seem,  
Because I still will hide my Constant Love;  
This way I take will bravely break my heart,  
To tell the Duke were sneekingly to die,  
Since if he knew that I did Love him still;  
With basest scorns he'd laugh my heart  
To Death, such friendship to this Prisoner  
I will show, shall make the Duke believe  
My heart is there; to set him free  
I'll use my utmost Art.—  
Would I could do as much for this poor heart,  
This way my Love with my designs complyes,  
Thus one in Chains, fewer Chains, unties;  
I have made the jailor mine already,  
By promising him these hundred Pieces,  
'Tis now about the time I appointed  
To be here.  Enter jailor. 
Oh yonder's the jailor expecting me,  
Here jailor here's for thy honesty;  
May the business be done new?  jay. 
O Madam never at a fitter time, take  
You the Key and go into the Prisoner,  
Whilst I go see the passage clear,  
Stand you at the door, and when I beckon  
To you, come away.  Amph. 
Honest jailor.  jailor. 
So now I am just i'th' fashion, I have  
Taken money to do her business, and  
Instead of doing it, I have undone it.  Enter Duke and Ortellus. Ortell. 
'tis so Sir, the Jailor has discovered  
All to me— here he comes.  jay. 
And please your Highness to stand  
Close here, for the Lady Amphelia is  
Now with the Prisoner; I have given  
Her a Key to convey him through this  
Private passage; as soon as I beckon  
To her she will come away with him. beckons them.  Amph. 
Come Sir give me your hand, the jailor  
Beckons me the way is clear.  Duke. 
Hold Lady and your Love, we must shorten  
Your journey a little.  Amph. 
Ha? the Duke and Ortellus: I am betrayed,  
Oh villain jailor.  Ortell. 
Sir I fear we have interrupted them,  
It may be they were going to be  
Married ha, ha, ha.  Amph. 
If I were, 'twas what I refused you  
Ortellus, that makes you so Mad.  Duke. 
Well Madam, if you have a mind to be  
Married; a Priest shall not join your hands,  
But you shall go both back to the  
Prison, and the jailor shall tie you both  
Hands and Legs together.  Amph. 
Know Sir a Prison with this brave  
Gentleman, will be greater Paradise to  
Me, then to be Mistress of your Palace,  
What do I say— aside.  Duke. 
Well you shall have your desire then,  
Ye shall Live together, and die together.  
How could I speak that word to her.— aside.  Zo. 
She die, Sir; would you destroy so great  
A World of Virtue; Rather invent two  
Deaths for me that I may die for her too.  
You'll rob your Dukedom of your greatest  
Treasure, to take away so blessed a life  
As hers, let not an Axe part such a  
Head and Body, lest Heaven frown, and  
Call you Murderer, you'll pull upon your  
Head all Mankind's Curse, when Nature  
sees her bounty thus rewarded, she'll  
Turn a Miser, and will give no more  
Such Blessings to the World as this  
Fair Saint.  Duke. 
Well Sir, I am satisfied ye like one  
Another, so you shall both return back  
To your straw Beds, there you may lie  
As close together as you please.  Amphe. 
No Sir, virtue shall lie betwixt us.  Duke. 
You'll want a Pillow till you come both  
To Execution, than you shall have one,  
A Block to lay your Heads on.  Amph. 
Know Duke, my head will rest better  
With his on a Block, then with yours  
On the softest Pillow.  
How many lies must I confess before I die. aside.  Duke. 
Indeed you'll sleep pretty soundly.  
See her scorns to me, makes death a pleasure  
To her.— aside.  
My Lord give order that she may be  
Brought immediately to her Trial; in the  
Mean time jailor take them you, into  
Your Custody; lay'um in Shackles both.  
Cozen many thanks to you for this  
Timely discovery, I must leave you a while.—  Exit. Ortell. 
Duke you shall have less to thank me for  
Else I'm deceived; I have found out he  
Loves Amphelia still, so she does him,  
Now will I go possess Arbatus of this,  
And tell him how the Duke intends to fool  
His Sister; he has the Character of so  
Strict a Brother, and so brave a spirit;  
That his Soul will never digest this injury  
Without the Duke's Blood, I'll join  
With him and tell him how the business  
May be done; by this; one of these  
Three things, I shall have,  
Either a Mistress, Dukedom, or a Grave.  Enter Arbatus and Artabella. 
See here comes Arbatus and his Sister.  
Artabella they talk very earnestly.  Arba. 
Sister I do not like it, the Duke will  
Fool ye.  Arta. 
Indeed Brother I'm amazed at this delay?  Arba. 
How does he carry himself to you.  Arta. 
With all respect imaginable.  Arba. 
Then there must be something more in't,  
That he deferrs his Marriage thus.  Ortell. 
There is so Sir.  Arba. 
My Lord harkening but a base office,  
But if you have heard it, 'tis no Treason;  Ortell. 
No Sir, but it is Falseness in the Duke  
To use your worthy Sister thus, I Came  
To tell you upon my knowledge, he never  
Intended to Marry her.  Arba. 
My Lord though I believe it, you must  
Pardon me if I wonder at this information  
From your Lordship, that is his  
Near Cozen.  Ortell. 
Sir you have the Character of so brave  
A Gentleman, Conscience and Honour  
Bids me discover this to you and your Sister:  
Think of a way of being revenged, and  
Here's my Hand and Heart to help you.  Arba. 
Pardon me that I cannot thank you  
Truly, because I needs must doubt  
This offer from your Lordship.  Ortell. 
What can I say to confirm you, will  
The Word and Honour of a Gentleman do't.  Arba. 
To me those are things of great value.  Ortell. 
Then here I give them both.  Arba. 
But what to do my Lord.  Ortell. 
What you will.  Arba, 
Perhaps you think I'd have you ask  
Some place about the Court for me,  
In Recompense of this Injury to my Sister  Ortell. 
No Sir had you been such a person,  
I should not have trusted you thus far;  
With what I have said, I say again  
I am your friend, if you doubt it, you  
Wrong my Honour.  Arba. 
Why then my Lord to be short, nothing  
Will satisfy me, but the Dukes—  Ortell. 
What  Arba. 
Blood.  Ortell. 
Why thou shalt have it all, if I can help  
Thee too't, this night will I convey you  
Privately into his Bedchamber, come along  
With me and I will tell you all.—  Exit. Arba. 
My Lord I follow you.—  
Sister go you to your Chamber.  Arta. 
O Brother, Heaven preserve you in this Danger.  Arba. 
Now it comes into my head I need not  
Doubt this Lord's Truth, he is next Heir  
To the Dukedom, if the Duke die without Issue.  
'tis base in him the Duke's Life to pursue,  
His blood is only to my Sister due.—  Exit. Arta. 
False Duke thou justly hast deserved  
Thy Death, to Cheat the Innocent is a  
Double Crim, I had no cunning guard  
About this heart, to keep it safe from a  
Seduceing Tongue.  
I have lost my heart which he by falseness won,  
How soon is Truth and Innocence undone—  Exit. Enter Philidor. Phili. 
Pray remember the poor Prisoners;  
Pray remember the Prisoners; well had  
I not taken this course with the Regiment  
Of women that I have promised to marry,  
I should have been devoured by'um  
By this time, they came just now into  
My Chamber one by one, hoping to have  
Found me alone, to have preached  
Matrimony to me; but to my blessed  
Deliverance, no sooner one was  
There but another came, so I persuaded  
Them one by one, to slip up into a  
Garret, so still as one knocked at  
The door, the tother ascended, there  
Have I secured them with this Key,  
And there must I keep them till I  
Have made Conditions with them.  Enter Mirida. 
O here comes Mirida. Pray Remember  
The poor Prisoners, pray remember  
The poor Prisoners.  Mir. 
Who the devil's that, Philidor,  Phi. 
The very same, my mettled Female,  Mir. 
Why what mad Prank art thou  
Playing now.  Phi. 
Alas a day, I have great Cares upon  
Me, I must provide meat for  
Half a dozen Ladies, that should have  
Been my Spouses; Look up yonder  
In that very Garret, for aught I  
Know they must Dine and Sup at my  
Charge, as long as they live, and  
Thus must I be their Cook every  
Day, and beg their first and second Course.  Mir. 
I am sorry to hear this, because 'tis  
A wilder trick than I have done  
Lately to any of my Lovers, Prithee  
Let's go under the window and  
Call to them.  Phi. 
Come away you shall hear what  
Volleys we shall have from the Castle.  
Most excellent Amazonian Ladies look  
Out, and behold your labouring Purvyor  
What pains he takes to victle your  
Castle, because he knows you must  
Be long there.  Women looks out. 1 La. 
Rogue.  2 La. 
Rascal.  3 La. 
Villain.  4 La. 
Dog.  5 La. 
Slave  6 La. 
Hellhound.  Phi. 
Me thinks you represent the Hemisphere.  
Because you are Enthroned so high, your  
Eyes appear like Stars to us poor  
Mortals here below.  1 La. 
Villain if we had thee here, thou shouldst  
Find it Hell.  Mir. 
Pray Ladies what make you so angry?  
Methinks the Gentleman is your friend,  
And has hope you nearer Heaven, than  
Perhaps ever a one of you would ever have been.  2 La. 
What's that you say little Pissabed.  Mir. 
Sweet Angels will never a one of you  
Please to descend.  3. La. 
Thou little Devil if we had thee here,  
we'd throw thee down again with  
Such a swing, that we'd knock that  
Rascals brains out with thy fall.  Mir. 
Then angry Ladies I shall stay here,  
See has not that Lady a very fair Nose  
At this distance.  Philli. 
Has not the tother there a mouth, that  
When she opens it to scold, looks  
Like a Giant's Cave.  4. La. 
SH' life we'll not be abused thus, here's  
A Hercules Statue, let's throw it down  
Upon their heads— Mirida runs away, and meets Pinguister, and stops.  Enter Pinguister and Doctor. Mir. 
Hold Philidor, we shall have some new  
Sport of my making now, here comes  
My fat Lover, let us stand close and  
Hear a little.  Ping. 
Doctor, pray how many stools  
May I happily have this morning,  
By this Purgation already taken by me.  Doct. 
Doubtless one hundred Sir.  Ping. 
Save me 'twill swing my Bumgut then,  
But how much fat may it bring away.  Doct. 
Peradventure half a dozen pounds.  Ping. 
Love what dost thou make me do? but  
Worthy Docterus, from what parts of  
My continual Purged body is this store  
Of fat extracted?  Doct. 
Chiefly from your waste and Calves of your Legs.  Ping. 
And how many Purges may make my  
Waste and Legs Calves, Alias Calves of  
My Legs delightful to her Eye Sir?  Doct. 
Sir some ten Purges; that is to say  
You must have 1000, stools to drain  
Your treasure of Fat totalliter from ye.  Ping. 
Oh Love, Oh Mirida for thee I daily  
Purge. Ergo for thee I daily Stink.  
I find I must keep Company with the Bears,  
That I may be able to endure my own stink the better,  Doct. 
Come Sir I think you had best begin  
To run your heats.  Ping. 
Oh me, nothing could ere a made a  
Footman of me but Love; well I  
Must put on my Pumps.  Phi. 
By this Light this is the Pleasantest  
Scene as e'er I saw.  Ping. 
Nay Doctor if you mean I should run,  
Lend me your hand to help  
Me up.— puts on night Caps.  
Now in the name of Love I most  
Unwillingly start.  Phi. 
'Sdeath he runs like a Duke. he runs round and sometimes goes out to untruss.  Mir. 
His stools come very quickly upon him,  
One after another.  Ping. 
I must run with my Breeches in  
My hand, my Purge visits my Bumgut  
So intolerable often.  Doct. 
Now Sir for a Cheerful Loose.  Ping. 
By my heart Mr. Docterus I wonder at  
Your Cruelty to ask a Cheerful Loose  
Of me, am not I loosed sufficiently  
By your furious Purgations.  Enter Lean-man and his Tailor. Mir. 
Oh here comes my Lean Lover  Le. ma. 
Taylor do I look Gross enough now.  Tayl. 
Yes I'll assure you, you seem very Corpulent,  Le. ma. 
Well I am sure if thou hast not made  
Me Large enough, thou wilt thy Bill,  
Now have at Mrs. Mirida, sure my person  
Will take her; why how now Cousin,  
What makes you running a heat?  Ping. 
I must not stop to speak with you, but come  
Run by me and I will tell you; why I  
See you know nothing, Mrs. Mirida has  
A great kindness for me, but cannot  
Marry me before I am leaner.  Le. ma. 
She fool's him, her kindness is for me,  
And bids me make myself fatter before  
We Marry.  Ping. 
But pray Cousin what makes you stuff  
Yourself so to appear big.  Le. ma. 
Yes I do it to please Mrs. Miridas Eye,  
She bid me.  Ping. 
So she makes an Ass of him.  Le. ma. 
Well I won't hinder you in your exercise  
Farewell now I'll to Mrs. Mirida.—  Exit. Ping. 
Good buy, Good buy.  
Goods fith my Purge again, oh, oh, oh.  Enter Clown with a Cudgel and beats him in again. Clow. 
A nasty Rogue, when a man's a sleep  
To come and do it just in his Mouth.  
I'll swinge ye.  Ping. 
Oh hold good Sir, 'twas the violence of  
My Physic, would my Paunch were  
Out if I saw you.  Phi. 
Hold, what d'ye mean to beat a  
Gentleman thus;  Clow. 
Let him learn more manners then  
Against next time.  Ping. 
Oh Mrs. Mirida, I have been Purged  
And beaten most Extremely for your sake,  
Sure I am Lean enough now to marry you.  Mir. 
That I cannot tell, but I have the  
Measure in my Pocket of what compass  
You were about when you first were  
In love with me, and also the measure  
To that you must fall before I marry you.  
Here was your full bigness, which  
Was three Yards about, let me see,  
Oh you are fallen a yard.  Ping. 
Well and wont you marry me then.  Mir. 
That you'll see presently, for here's the  
Measure must compass you about  
Before I do, this wants a yard yet,  Ping. 
Well and d'ye think its possible for me  
Ever to become such a Grig as that  
Measure will meet about me,  
Why to do that, you must embowel  
Me, and then shave the remaining  
Rolls of Fat off from my melting Sides.  Doct. 
Here pray Sir throw this Blanket  
about you, you'll catch your Death.  Ping. 
Look you unreasonable Mistress, thus  
Am I fain to do every day, because I  
Would melt myself into a Husband for you,  
You may hear my Guts at this time  
Boylling within me, I'm confident they'll  
Have the same fat as a Kettle full of  
Black Puddings that are all boiled  
And so broke.  Doct. 
Come Sir you must needs go to Bed,  Ping. 
That is to say, I must go Swim, for  
That I do constantly in a Sea of Sweat.  Mir. 
I pray Sir, I would not for all the world  
You should miscarry.  Ping. 
Indeed I look as if I were with Child,  
Lady, if you have any thoughts of going  
To Heaven, have mercy on me.  Mir. 
Farewell Garbage.  Ping. 
Oh heat, O fat, oh love, what will you  
Do with one.—  Exit with Doctor. Phi. 
Was here ever such sport as we have  
Seen.  Mir. 
Heaven send thee and I many a fair year,  
To be mad together in.  Phili. 
I as you say, give us but time enough,  
And when we grow Tame, let the  
Bell Tole for us; but stay let us return  
Back to my Virgins, that I may  
Make my Conditions with'em, before they  
Get out of Prison.  Enter all Ladies and Bind'um. 
'Sdeath they are all got out already.  1 La. 
Oh, have we met with you now, ye  
Pair of Devils, we'll lay you fast  
Enough. So good night to you, lie there  
Till we come again.—  Ex. La. Phili. 
Pox on't was there ever such luck as this,  
There was a Trap door in the Garret,  
Which they found and got out at.  Mir. 
What think you now of this day's sport,  
Philidor?  Phi. 
Plague on't, well enough, if they had  
Not bound us back to back together,  
We might have passed away the time,  
Malicious, jade's no way of bridling us,  
But this, Prithee turn about thy  
Head, and let us try if we can kiss  
One another a little.  Mir. 
No, no, we won't try for fear you  
should put your Neck out of joint  
With turning it too much of one side.  Phi. 
Well, fortune should be more careful  
Of Accidents of this Nature, and not  
Contrive them so cross.  Enter Boy. Phi. 
Oh, here comes a Boy, here Sirrah come  
Hither.  Boy. 
What say you Master?  Phi. 
Here Prithee unbind us, I'll give  
Thee a shilling.  Boy. 
Why Sir, cant you unbind yourselves?  Phi. 
Simple Boy, thou seest we cant.  Boy. 
And have you a mind to be unbound?  Phi. 
Yes, yes, we are in great Torments,  
To lie thus.  Boy. 
Then Sir you shall give me a Piece  
And your Hat, because I have never  
A one, or else, farewell.  Phi. 
Well stay, here take it out of my Pockets,  Boy. 
Yes that I will do, before I unbind you,  
And your Hat too.—  Exit. Phi. 
The Rogue's to nimble for me.  Mir. 
Well Philidor farewell, I must go  
Put on a clean Handkerchief?  Phi. 
And I must go see if I can find  
A believing Harberdasher, else I shall  
Be very Ceremonious to every one I meet  Exit. Enter Fidler. Mir. 
A Fiddle, nay then I am made again,  
I'd have a dance if I had nothing  
but my Smock on, Fidler strike up,  
And play my Gigg, called, I care not  
A Pin for any man.  Fid. 
Indeed I cant stay, I'm going to  
Play to some Gentlemem.  Mir. 
Nay thou shalt stay but a little?  Fid. 
Give me half a Crown then,  Mir. 
I have no money about me,—  
But here take my Handkerchief.  Dance and Exit.  

ACT IU.  Enter Ortellus and Arbatus as going into the Duke's Bedchamber, and the Duke in Bed. Ortell. 
So I'll keep the door whilst you Dispatch him.  Arba. 
My Lord I find you truly Noble;  
Why Duke, why Duke, I say.— methinks  
My voice should wake his guilty Soul,  
Nothing but Innocence can sleep secure;  
Then why good Heaven does he take 〈◊〉  
Awake thou drowsy Devil Duke, my  
Sister's wrongs do call thee from thy  
Sleep, methinks the sound of those  
should Pierce thy Ears, why Duke?  Duke. 
What bold voice is that?  Arba. 
One that will be more bold with you.  Duke. 
Who is't so impudent as to break  
My sleep.  Arba. 
'Tis I, Arbatus, that will put thee  
Into a wonder.  Duke. 
Ha, what means that Dagger in thy hands?  Arba. 
Canst thou ask that question, it is  
To tickle thy false heart.  Duke. 
Ha; ha; ha; you jest, you jest.  Arba. 
What does the conceit on't make you  
Laugh already, I was resolved to wake  
Thee, before I sent thee to Hell, because  
Thou may'st know of whose arrant thou goest.  Duke. 
Come, come, leave your foolery, lest  
You heat my Blood.  Arba. 
If I do, I will let it out all,  
And that will quickly cool it, I'd give  
You time to say your Prayers now,  
But that I know thy Sin to be so  
Great, that Heaven will not Pardon thee.  Enter Artabella, Ortell. 
Who's that?  Arta. 
'Tis I my Lord, Artrbella, let me in  
Quickly, that I may have one stab at  
His false heart, before my Brother  
Has put him past feeling.  Ortell. 
And so thou shalt brave Girl.  Arba. 
Now Duke good night to you, and the  
Devil send you good rest.  Arta. 
Hold Brother.  Arba. 
Who's that.  Arta. 
'Tis I thy injured Sister, come to make  
The first hole in that base Duke's heart,  
It is my Right.  Arba. 
Begin, begin then, that I may make an end.  Arta. 
Stay Brother, not to fast, has he said  
His Prayers;  Arba. 
His Prayers why none but the Devil  
Will hear them, Come, come Sister  
Give me the Dagger again, you waste time,  Arta. 
And so I will, the Duke sha'not Die.  Arba. 
How not die?  Arta. 
Not die I say.  Arba. 
Then you are his Whore all this while,  
And would have him Live that you may  
Be so still.  Arta. 
Brother, another word so foul, I'll  
Strike this Dagger through your heart,  
Therefore hear me speak. Know  
Then 'tis I that cannot love the Duke,  
Which he would never tell you, knowing  
'Twould make you angry with me.  Arba. 
Nay then, I'll Kill you, for foolling a  
Brother, and your Reputation thus.  Duke. 
Hold Arbatus, she says it but to save  
My Life, 'tis I have fooled you both,  
Therefore strike here.  Arba. 
And so I will then.  Arta. 
Hold Brother pull not a load of Sins  
Upon your head, 'tis I have been to blame, indeed  
I have, with Loving him to much.  Arba. 
Then thou shalt Die.  Duke. 
Hold Sir Heaven will frown on you for ever,  
If you shed one drop of that pure Blood;  
Upon my word 'tis I  Arba. 
Keep not my Tortured Soul thus in Suspense.  
One of you tell me true, and that quickly  
Too, else I'll destroy you both, and  
That's the surest way, not to mistake.  Duke. 
Then be assured 'tis I,  Arta. 
Brother 'tis nor, 'tis I.  Arba. 
hay Day, hay day, I know not what  
To do, or say.— Throws down his Sword and goes away.  Ortell. 
So he's Dead I hope.  Arba. 
No more than you are.  Ortell. 
How so?  Arba. 
Come my Lord, as you go, I'll tell you.  Exit.— Duke. 
Oh Artabella, why didst take my Arba. Orte.  
Sin upon thyself, hiding thy Innocence  
With a face of Guilt, my Death had been  
Not Punishment enough, because I have  
Wronged so fair a Life as yours; which  
Way to ask forgiveness, I cant tell;  
There are no Pardons for such Sins  
As mine, the only way to do thee  
Right, is this.  Arta. 
Hold Sir my Life shall follow yours,  
If you strike.  Duke. 
Why wouldst thou have my Live?  Arta. 
Because I love you Sir.  Duke. 
And that's the only reason I would die;  Arta. 
Why would it be kindly done,  
To show my Eyes your Blood?  Duke. 
Yes, far more kind, then Live  
And show thy heart no Love. Oh  
Artabella that thou wert my Sister, nothing  
But Brother's love were then thy due;  
And I could richly pay thee in that Coin,  
A Million more than ever Brother did.  Arta. 
Would Nature then had made me so:  
Or else had gave me never a heart.  Duke. 
What wouldst have me do, poor Artabella.  Arta. 
Nothing but Love me Sir.  Duke. 
See what thou dost ask a Man, a god  
Would do, and yet I cant, 'tis not thy  
Want of Beauty, but my Fate, Angels  
Themselves to look upon thy Face, would  
Take a journey twice a day from Heaven.  Arta. 
If you would come, though far a shorter way,  
You should be much more welcome.  Duke. 
Sweet Tongue lie still, offer no more such  
Love as Gods themselves to have, would  
Think a Bliss, since all thy kindness  
Does but wound my Heart, to see thine  
Shipwrecked in a Sea of Love, and cannot  
Give it Harbour in my Breast.  Arta. 
Sir let me beg one thing of you then;  Duke. 
Withal my Soul, be it my Dukedom,  
And 'tis thine?  Arta. 
'Tis no such great request, 'tis only  
When you meet me, say, I hate  
Thee Artabella.  Duke. 
Why could that word please thee,  Arta. 
No, but to hear it said by you, would  
Bring my Death, than I would thank  
You for my Rest, would you not come  
Unto my Grave Sir?  Duke. 
O yes, and make thy Coffin float with a Sea of Tears.  Arta. 
Fair Sir, of what?  Duke. 
Of Grief.  Arta. 
O me, a Sea of Tears, and yet not  
One of Love, waste not such precious  
Drops upon my Grave, it will not  
Satisfy my hover Soul, to see your  
Eyes drop Pity without Love, farewell Sir,  
Oh for a Grave, that were a resting place,  
Good heart be kind, and break apace.—  Exit. Duke. 
Heaven Love thee for me, base Amphelia  
Thou art the Author of my horrid Sin.—  Exit. Enter Philidor and Mirada. Phi. 
Thou talk'st of sport Mirida, if all the  
Sport we have had already with our  
Lovers, come not short of this, hang me;  
You say you have invited them already  
To my Funeral.  Mir. 
Yes, yes.  Phili. 
So, So, Methinks my Body lies in  
Great State, to see the Tribe that will  
Come by and by, here will be half a  
Dozen chief Mourners, which should have  
Been my Wives, and some Three or  
Four Sons and Heirs, besides Three  
Or four hopeful Daughters, these with  
The Congregation of Nurses, will howl  
Me a pleasant Dirge, Mirida you being  
My Excecutrix must carry yourself  
Very gravely, here's my Will which  
You must read to'um, I'll be the  
Priest myself, hark some body, Knocks within.  
Knocks at Gate.  Enter Boy. Boy. 
Sir they are all come,  Phi. 
Let'em in. Now Mirida Manage  
Your business well,  Mir. 
Let me alone I'll warrant ye.  Enter Ladies and Nurses. All La. 
Ah my poor dear dear.  All Nu. 
Ah my poor dear Master, ah Child,  
Cry for thy poor Dad.— Kiss the Hearse.  Phi. 
What a Dog-Kennell's here, how they  
howl.— aside.  Mir. 
When the passions of your Griefs are over,  
Pray hear me speak, because it concerns you all?  Phi. 
Pox of thy Gravity, Mirida— aside.  Mir. 
Nay hold your Tongue, if you set me.  
Once a Laughing, I shall spoil your  
Funeral.— aside.  Enter Pinguister and Lean-man. 
So here comes my Fat Lover, and my  
Lean one. Welcome Gentlemen, I  
Was afraid I should not have had your Company.  Ping. 
Really sweet Lady, I have taken a  
Purge to day, (as I do Constantly for  
Love of you) which has detorted me,  
By reason of its opparation; neither can  
I say it has yet finished.  Mir. 
Sir please you to sit down, and you  
Mr. Pinguister.  Ping. 
Lady I embrace your offer, and shall  
Press your Chair, by my heart Madam  
This Chair was fitter for a Jackdaw,  
Then me.— sits down and breaks the Chair.  
Nay they make such Chairs now a days,  
That had I a Grudge to an Upholsterer,  
I would desire no greater revenge,  
Then to fit down upon every Chair  
In his Shop.  Mir. 
Truly Sir I am sorry for your fall.  
Ladies and Gentlewomen, pray give your  
Attention to my dear deceased Cousins Will  
Poor young man, he was Killed  
Yesterday by a Duel, he lived but two  
Hours after he was hurt, which time  
He made use of, to settle something  
On all you here, his worthy Friends.  Omnes. 
A good young Man.  Miri. 
Imprimis, I bequeath my Soul as other People used to do, and so my Body.  
Item, I give to Mrs. Mary for a reason that She knows 500 l.  
Item, 500 l. To Mrs. Margaret, for a Reason She knows.  
Item, 500 l. To Mrs. Sarah, for a reason She knows.  
Item, 500 l. To Mrs. Martha, for a Reason she knows.  
Item, 500 l. To Mrs. Alice, for a reason She knows.  
Item, 500 l. To Mrs. Eliner, for a reason She knows, And so to all the rest.  
Item, To my Nurses, I leave each of Them 20. l. A year a piece, for their Lives, besides their arrears due to Them for Nursing. These Sums Of Money and Legacies, I leave to be Raised and Paid out of my Manor Of Constantinople, in which the Great Turk is now Tenant for Life. If they should hear how their Laughs aside. Legacies art to be Paid, how they'd fall A Druming on his Coffin.  
Item, I leave to Mr. Pinguister a very Fat Man.  Ping. 
I am so.  Mir. 
An Infallible receipt to make him lean.  Ping. 
So I hope the Dead may do, what  
The Living cannot.  Mir. 
I leave to a Certain Lean Gentleman,  
Whom I have seen in my Cousin  
Miridas Company, a sure receipt to  
Make him Fat.  Le. ma. 
I find he knew I was to Marry his Cousin?  Mir. 
I desire my Body may be carried to the  
Grave by the six aforesaid Gentlewomen.  
So Ladies now you have heard his Will,  
Be pleased to take up the Body, Nurses  
You are to follow next; new which of you  
Will lead me.  〈◊〉 
I will Madam,  Le. ma. 
By my Bones but you sha'not,  Ping. 
By my Fat but I will Sir.  Mir. 
Nay Gentlemen, pray fall not out, well  
One of you lead me one half of the way.—  Exeunt. Ping. 
Agreed Sir, take you her hand first; a  
Very timely Proposition, for my Purge  
Works again, save me where abouts  
Is the Closet.— goes out and comes in again.  
What a loose, must I run to overtake them  
Now, else I shall not lead my Mistress the  
Last half way.— deliver me from Love  
And Purges.  Enter all again with a Coffin, Philidor and Mirida shut them into the Vault. Phili. 
So, there let 'em converse with the dead  
A while, I had rather have 'em there then  
Above ground, here will I keep 'em till  
They have all quitted me under their hands  
And Seals.  Mir. 
Oh the sport that we shall have by and by;  
Well, but I must go home a little, my  
Father will miss me, where shall we  
Meet again?  Phi. 
Just here.  Mir. 
I'll not fail.—  Exeunt. Enter Amarissa just arrived. Amar. 
I am come to late, and yet too soon am here,  
Since dear Zoranzo's death is now so near;  
On the same block with him I'll lay my head,  
That our two bodies may have but one bed.  
Thus are our Nuptial joys decreed by fate  
Our Wedding and our Burial bore one date.  
Sure I am the first of maids that ever gave  
Her body, to her Lover in a Grave.  
Alas! in cold embraces we must meet,  
With Icy kisses in a winding sheet.  
Yet though this life denies us time to love,  
The other life will not so cruel prove.  
Our souls so fast in Lovers knots we'll tie,  
That when the headsman strikes they both shall fly.  
Twinned in one another through the air,  
And be at rest, whilst other Souls despair.  Enter jailor. 
This is the Prison, and here's the Jailor  
I believe; Pray Sir do you belong  
Unto the Prison.  jailor. 
Belong, Yes I am the Keeper of it.  Amar. 
Is not here one Zoranzo a Prisoner.  jailor. 
Yes, but he won't be here long, for he  
Is to die anon.  Amar. 
Ah me, Sir I am his Sister, pray help  
Me to him that I may speak with him,  
Before that cruel hour, I love him  
So that I must needs die with him, I'll  
Petition the Duke that I may, sure he'll  
Not deny me that request.  jay. 
I can tell you a way that you may be sure  
To have that favour granted.  Amar. 
Tell it me and I'll thank ye.  jay. 
Why if you'll try to convey him out of Prison,  
As another Lady has already, you may  
Bare them company too?  Amar. 
Why has there any Lady endeavoured it,  jay. 
Yes, one that is his Mistress, and they are  
Both to die together.  Amar. 
Ha! What is't I hear, his Mistress,  
Say you?  jay. 
Yes Mistress; they both lie as Contentedly  
By one another, as if they were not two.  Amar. 
Curse him good heaven, ye cannot throw  
Too many curses on him; here Jailor,  
Take this and let me speak with the Prisoner.  jay. 
Madam you shall.  Enter Zoranzo and Amphelia, as in Prison in Chains. Zo. 
Amarissa, are my eyes false, or is it  
Truly she.  Ama. 
Your Eyes are true, but 'tis your heart  
That's false.  Zo. 
I am deceived, that cannot be her tongue.  Ama. 
Should it speak otherwise to thee, I'd  
Tear it out, Devil Zoranzo; cursed  
Pair of Vipers, that in chains of death  
Can practise Lust, as if no end were nigh.  
Do not my wrongs startle thy guilty  
Soul, to think of all the torments it must  
Have, that could with so much falseness  
Murder Love: when thou art gone to  
Hell as go thou must, 'twill be a task  
For all the Devils there to torture thee enough.  
Thy sin is such, were I thy headsman,  
When thou com'st to die, I'd be a week  
A cutting off thy head, twixt every stroke  
I'd stop; and than I'd hollow Amarissa  
In thy Ears, thy Guilt would be an Echo  
To my wrongs, and answer to my cry,  
Wronged Amarissa; which injured name  
Repeated to thy Ears, would make  
Thy Soul think, Hell not half such pain.  
Farewell Zoranzo, I'll come see your  
Head struck off, and your Ladies.  Zo. 
Base Amarissa, that can conclude me  
False because she saw this Lady lie  
In Chains by me, and could not ask me how  
We came together. Thus to revile me and  
Not know the truth, I'll scorn to tell  
Her now.  Enter Duke. Amar. 
O Sir, be pleased to hear a Maids Petition,  
Though a Stranger to you.  Duke. 
Fair Maid what is't?  Amar. 
Zoranzo that's Condemned to die, may—  Duke. 
Not Live, if that be your request, pray  
Do not ask, I shan't grant it.  Amar. 
No Sir, 'tis that he may have a Thousand  
Deaths, instead of One, or one that has  
More pain than Thousands.  Duke. 
What makes you thus incensed against him?  Amar. 
Heaven knows I have too much cause, Sir  
I have Loved him long, and the day he was  
Your Prisoner, should have been our  
Wedding, news being brought to me  
In my own Country, that he was to Die,  
In flying hast I took this tedious journey  
With Sorrow; and with Joy, I here arrived;  
Tears in my eyes for his approaching  
Death, Smiles in my Cheeks to think  
Of dying with him, but when I came  
Unto the Prison gate, I met the Jailor and  
He told me all, then let me in, and to rejoice  
My Eyes, I saw two Devils lie in  
Chains together, and not half so fast  
As Chained in Love, all my intended  
Kisses then, I changed into as many curses  
On his heart, which with my eyes I  
Spoke as well as tongue,  Duke. 
Alas poor injured Maid, we must be one another's  
Petiters, thy fate is mine;  
That woman which you saw with him,  
Has proved as false to me, as he to you.  Amar. 
For Heaven's sake Sir, let'em Die both,  
No sight would please us like their  
Blood, the Jailor told me they lie as  
Close together all day, as if they were not two.  Duke. 
Oh curse on'um!  Amar. 
Oh the Devil take 'em, pray Sir give  
Order that they may be brought  
Immediately to Excecution.  Duke. 
I will.  Ama. 
I'll go call the Jailor, Sir. steps to th' Prison.  Enter jailor. Duke. 
Jailor let the Prisoner be brought to  
Excecution straight, I'll be there myself.  Amar. 
And I too, Sir.  Duke. 
You shall, we'll go together—  Exeunt.  

ACT V.  Enter all Ladies, Nurses, Pinguister, Lean-man, as in the Vault, Philidor as a Crier. Phili. 
O Yes, O yes, o yes, did any man hear  
Tale or Tidings of Three Nurses called  
Three Flanders Mares, with Three  
Sucking Colts?  All Nu. 
Hark, we are Cried in the Streets.  Phi. 
And also six Maiden Ladies, that should  
Have been all Married to a certain  
Promising Gentleman.  All La. 
Devil, we are Cried too.  Phi. 
Also a very Lean Gentleman, that must  
Be Patter before he's Married?  Le. ma. 
Hark, that's I.  Phi. 
And the hugest Loss of all is one Mr.  
Pinguister, a lovely Fat Gentleman,  
Whom all that knew him, doubt him  
To be Dead upon some Privy house,  
Because he Purged every day for Love,  
By reason Mrs. Mirida will not Marry him,  
Till a certain Measure that he has  
Will come about his Waste.  Enter Mirida. Ping. 
Cryer, I am here, I am here.  Phi. 
If any can bring News of the six aforesaid  
Virgin Ladies, or of the three Flanders Nurses,  
And Colts, to one Mr. Philidor, a very  
Conscientious young Man.  Omnes. 
A Pox take him.  Phi. 
They shall be extremely paid  
For their Pains. Again, if any can  
Bring Tidings of this Mr. Pinguister,  
To Mrs. Mirida, she will be very bountiful  
In her Reward, the poor soul weeps  
Most bitterly for him.  Ping. 
Does she so poor Wretch?— cries aloud.  
Prithee good Cryer go tell her I am not  
Dead, though I have been Buried a  
Great while in the Vault. Mercy of my  
Bumgut, my Purge again?  Omnes. 
You nasty Rogue, turn your Breech  
Out at the Grate than  goes to do so, Philidor Kicks him down, he Roars out. Mir. 
Philidor, I have broke a Vain  
With Laughing, to hear thy Rogueries,  
I'll call to Pinguister— Mr. Pinguister,  
My Love, my Dear, sure I hear  
Thy voice.  Ping. 
Who's that? my dear Female?  Mir. 
The same Fat Love.  Ping. 
Oh Prithee raise me from the Dead.  Phi. 
Well Ladies and Gentlewomen, how d'ye  
Like your Crier now?  Omnes. 
The Devil take thee, was it you?  Phi. 
The very same.  2 La. 
Well, wont you let us out, pray howsoever,  
Take away this Fat Gentleman from us;  
For he has such a coming Looseness, and  
'tis so dark here that he has  
Shit upon every one of us.  Omnes. 
Well, but wont you let us out?  Phili. 
Yes, if you Ladies will set your hands  
To this Paper, to quit me as to all Promises.  
I will; and also my reverend Nurses,  
You must set your hands to this discharge,  
To quit me from all arrears of Nursing;  
Else farewell t'ye?  Omnes. 
Well, well, stay we will Sets their hands.  Phili. 
So now you may go take the Air  
Again, there's the Key to let yourselves out.  Omnes. 
A Cheating Rogue.  Phili. 
Come Mirida, let's run away, for if  
They catch us, Murder is the best we  
Can hope for.—  Exit with Mirida. 1 Nur. 
They went this way, let's run after  
Them, some one way, and some tother.—  Ex. women. Ping. 
So you may, but if I run any way.  
Then hang me, I am galled of my Resurrection  
Howsoever. On my Conscience no green  
Carcase ever stunk as I did; to my best  
Remembrance I went to stool some  
Threescore times in the Vault, Ergo  
I was beaten Threescore times, the  
Unmerciful Nurses with their hugh  
Palmed hands, every time I went to't,  
Played at hot Cockles all the while upon  
My Buttocks, well I hope I shall ne'er  
Be buried again whilst I live, and so  
With that Prayer I'll go to Bed.  Enter Mirida. Miri. 
My dear Fat Love, little dost thou  
Think how many Tears I have shed  
For all thy Sufferings, that Rogue  
Philidor put a Trick upon us all.  Ping. 
Well and has Physic, Heats, Burial,  
Nor Resurrection, made me yet Lean  
Enough to be thy, Husband; why I have  
Lost as much Grease as would Furnish  
A whole City with Candles for a Twelve Month.  
And all for the Love of thee sweet, Mirida. Cries and Snobs.  Mir. 
Dear Love come sit thee in my Lap  
And let me try if I can enclose thy world  
Of Fat and Love, within these Arms,  
See I cannot nigh encompass my  
Desires by a Mile.  Ping. 
How is my Fat a Rival to my Joys?— cries.  
Sure I shall weep it all away.  Mir. 
Lie still my Babe, lie still and sleep,  
It grieves me sore to see thee weep.  
Wert thou but Leaner I were glad,  
Thy Fatness makes thy dear Love sad.  
What a lump of Love have I in my arms.  Ping. 
Nay if I had not taken all these Courses,  
To dissolve myself into thy embraces,  
One would think my looking on thee  
Were enough, for I never see thee but  
I am like a fat piece of Beef, roasting  
At the Fire, continually drep, drop, drop.  
There's ne'er a feature in thy Face, or  
Part about thee, but has cost me many  
A Pint of Fat, with thinking on thee;  
And yet not to be Lean enough for  
Thy Husband; O Fate, O Fate, O Fate, O Fat.  she lets him fall. Mir. 
O Lord Sir I have let you fall, how  
Shall I do to get you up again?  Ping. 
Nay that's more than all the World  
Can tell.  Mir. 
I'll e'en lie down by thee then.  Ping. 
Nay but Prithee lie near me, thou  
Hadst as good lie a League off, as that  
Distance.  Mir. 
Were I thy Wife, fat Love I would.  she sings. 

My Lodging it is on the Cold Board's  
And wonderful hard is my fare,  
But that which Troubles me most is  
The Fatness of my Dear.  
Yet still I cry oh melt Love,  
And I prithee now melt apace,  
For thou art the man I should long for;  
If 'twere not for thy Grease.   Ping he sings. 

Then prithee doubt harden thy heart still,  
And be deaf to my pitiful Moan;  
Since I do endure the smart still,  
And for my Fat do Groan;  
Then prithee now turn my dear Love,  
And I prithee now turn to me;  
For alas I am too Fat still,  
To Roul so far to thee:   Mir. 
That were not Modesty in me to turn  
To you, but if you can Roul to me  
Within this hour, I'll Marry you in  
Spite of all your Fat.  Mir. 
Agreed then I shall gain thee, yet  
You must lie still then.  Mir. 
Yes, yes.  Ping. 
Sure I am Sysiphus' stone, for as fast  
As I turn over I think I turn be Rolls to her, and she Rolls from him.  
Back again, else I must needs  
Have been come to my Journeys end  
By this time, for I am of such a  
Breadth, that every Roul I give,  
I pass over an Acre at least.  
Thou liest still my Love, dost thou not?  Mir. 
Yes, I long to have thee here,  Ping. 
I doubt I shan't be with thee though  
This two hours.  Mir. 
Then my heart will break.  Ping. 
I'm sure mine will before I get to thee.  
Oh Woman,— oh woman, oh woman.  
They talk of woman in Travail, I'm  
Sure I know a man in Travail at  
This time, in more Pain behalf.  Mir. 
Why my most Extreme Fat Ass, dost she rises and Laughs at him.  
Thou not find that I have fooled thee  
All this while?  Ping. 
Why, hast thou?  Mir. 
Yes indeed have I  Ping. 
Oh thou woman; may'st thou grow  
Fat; that thy Breasts and Belly may  
Meet together, so that all the fat  
Hostesses in Christendom may appear  
But Eels to thee.  Mir. 
Farewell my lowly Love.  Ping. 
Why wilt thou not help me up before  
You go.  Mir. 
What to do, to run heats again for Love?  Ping. 
No, to fight with thee.  Mir. 
Fight with me? by this Light would we  
Had two Swords, I'd have one pass  
At all thy Tripes.  Enter Cutler with two Swords. 
Faith and yonder's a fellow has two Swords.  
Friend lend me but thy Swords one Minute.  Cut. 
I am going to carry them to two Gentlemen.  Mir. 
Oh this will not hinder thee, thou shalt  
See rare sport, go help that Gentleman  
Up that lies yonder, and give that Sword  
Into his hand.  
Come are you ready Sir.  Ping. 
Why, you dear fight than it seems  
Though thou art so ungodly a Chit as  
To say no prayers before thou beginnest,  
I will, I assure thee.  
Good,— I pray and desire ye, if I  
Do miscarry in this Duel, that I may  
Meet with no woman in the t'other  
World. Now thou worst of Females,  
Have at thee.  Mir. 
Come I'll let out all your Fat and Love at  
One Thrust.— Fight and she disarms him.  
Now ask thy Life and confess thou art an Ass.  Ping. 
I am an Ass, and ask my life.  Mir. 
Then I thy conquering Caesar, take my leave,  
With this conclusion, veny, vidi, vici.  
And so farewell Oh Fate, Oh Love, O Fat.—  Exit. Ping. 
After all my Miseries would I were  
Up again, else the next man that comes  
Will make a Rouler of me, for to Roul  
Bowling greene's.— makes several Attempts to rise and at last gets up.  
So, now have I a Mile home at least,  
And every toilsome step I take, I will  
Curse women.—  Exit. Enter Zoranzo and Amphelia lying upon Straw together. Zo. 
Most blessed of women, I must tell you truth.  
And yet I fear that truth will,—  Amph. 
Will what; I doubt he loves me. aside.  
Speak it Sir, nothing from you can  
Be unwelcome;  Zo. 
O yes it will.  Amph. 
I'll warrant you, out with it Sir.  Zo. 
Then know I,— 'twill come no further.  Amph. 
Unhappy man 'tis so, he Loves me.— aside.  
O Sir, I have sadder truth to tell to you,  
Then yours can be to me, I dare not  
Speak it.  Zo. 
My fears are true, she Loves me?— aside.  
Pray tell me what it is,  Amph. 
Tell yours first Sir.  Zo. 
Alas you saw I tried, but could not  
Get it past my Lips.  Amph. 
If I should try, mine would not come so far.  Zo. 
Would I knew yours, I could tell it  
For you;  Amph. 
So could I yours, yet I cant my own.  Zo. 
Alas she loves me.— aside.  Amph. 
Poor Zoranzo, I see he loves me. aside.  
But Sir consider we are going to die,  
Let us die undeceived in one another.  Zo. 
Oh that some— that knows each of  
Our hearts, would hearken to our griefs,  
And bid an Angel come and speak  
For both.  Enter jailor. jay. 
Come have you done your discourse,  
Ye must go to Excecution.  Zo. 
A little patience Jailor, see we are  
Called unto our deaths, pray tell me  
What you mean.  Amph. 
I cannot, first do you begin.  Zo. 
Nor I.  Amph. 
Let us tell both together then, that one  
May not blame the tother  Zo. 
Agreed, are you ready now to speak,  Amph. 
Yes, oh no I am not▪— well now I am,—  
Are you.  Zo. 
Yes I am, begin, oh stay I cannot yet.  jay. 
Come, Come, I can give you no Longer time.  Amph. 
Nay then we must tell.  Zo. 
Poor Amphelia, 'tis Amarissa, that I Love.  Amph. 
O Zoranzo I love the Duke.  Zo. 
Then I am joyed, I was afraid 'twas  
Me you Loved.  Amph. 
And so was I that you Loved me.  
Now we shall die both happy,  
Never was two such friends as you and I.  jay. 
Come, Come.  Amph. 
Good Jailor we go most willingly now,  Exeunt. Enter as on a Scaffold, Duke, Amarissa, Ortellus, Zoranzo, Amphelia, and jailor Excecutioner. Amar. 
Jailor why didst thou let them stay so long?  jay. 
They had so much to say to one another,  
That still they begged one Minute and  
Then another.  Amar. 
D'ye hear Sir, pray let the Jailor  
Be turned out of his place, for letting  
Them speak to one another.  Amph. 
See Zoranzo where they sit in triumph,  
O'er our deaths.— aside▪  Amar. 
'Slife Sir they are whispering, d'ye  
See yonder, Excecutioner why don't  
You strike off their heads, and let  
Them whisper then.—  
Sir you are Melancholy;  Duke. 
I am indeed.  Zo. 
Now Amphelia, to Heaven and you,  
I truly Vow, my Love is still the  
Same, to cruel Amarissa.  Amph. 
Heaven and you witnesses the same  
For me, my heart is still that  
Undeserving Dukes.  Excecu. 
Come which of you will die first.  Zo. 
Hast thou not skill enough to strike  
Our heads off together.  Amar. 
Excecutioner let them not have that  
Satisfaction, pray Sir let that  
Woman die first; that damned Zoranzo,  
May have two deaths; it will be one  
To him, to see her die, shall it be so Sir?  Duke. 
What you please.  Amar. 
Excecutioner, the Duke says she  
Must die first.  Excecu. 
Come Lady, you must lay down your  
Head first, the Duke says.  Amph. 
That word's the sharpest Axe, that I  
Shall feel.  Exce. 
Have you said all? both kneels as at Prayers.  Amph. 
To Earth I have, but not to Heaven,  
Farewell dear friend for one short Minute,  Zo. 
My soul shall hasten after yours.  Ama. 
'Slife Jailor, will you let them speak  
To one another again.  Amph. 
Excecutioner, now I am ready.  Duke. 
Hold, the Prisoner shall die first.  Zo. 
With all my heart, I am ready.  Duke. 
Nay it is not you I mean Sir, rise  
'Tis I that am the Prisoner, I will  
Make you a present, take your Life,  
Your Love, nay and my Dukedom too,  
And to oblige you most of all.  
Excecutioner strike off my head, for I  
Am weary of it.  Amph. 
Not for ten thousand worlds Sir,  
What e'er you mean.  Duke. 
Know then I have loved you all this  
While, but seeing your hate so  
Great to me, I have dissembled  
Scorn to you.— she Swoons.  
Why dost thou Swoon Amphelia?  Amph. 
Did not I hear some voice just now,  
That said the Duke does love me still,  Duke. 
Thou didst, 'twas he himself that  
Said so.  Amph. 
If 'twere from Heaven, good Heaven  
Say it again.  Duke. 
'twas I myself, I tell thee,— and I will never  
Speak another word, if that does please thee.  Amp. 
Oh I am in Heaven than it seems, and 'tis  
Some god that's telling me how the  
Duke Loved me still.  Duke. 
Dear Amphelia, 'tis I that Loves thee,  
Tells thee so.  Amp. 
Hark, now there's a god that says he loves  
Me too, blessed god, I'm sorry if you do,  
Since I have heard the Duke does Love me still,  
He must be your rival, indeed I cannot  
Help it, Oh let me fly down to the Earth  
Again, only to hear him say he loves me,  
I cannot promise when I shall return,  
That very word from him would keep me there.  Duke. 
I must answer her no more, they say  
'Twill keep 'em longer in a Trance he Rubs her.  Ortell. 
I am but in a scurvy condition now, if  
She comes to life again, for they will  
Examine one another how the mistake  
Came between them, and then I am  
Sure it must come to light.  Amph. 
Who's that Duke, Archemedes.—  Duke. 
The same sweet Angel?  Amph. 
Oh Sir, I am come from Heaven to see you,  
Since there I heard you love me still.  Duke. 
Dear Amphelia, thou hast dreamed all  
This while, Heaven 'tis true, is where  
Thou art, but 'twas my voice that  
Said I Love thee.  Amph. 
Was not my head struck off just now?  Duke. 
Canst thou ask that while I have  
A head and heart?  Amph. 
Why have you loved me still?  Duke. 
With as much truth as ever lover did;  Amph. 
So have I you with equal constancy.  Amar. 
Well Sir, now you are satisfied, pray  
Let me be so too, and let Zoranzo's  
Head be struck off quickly.  
I see he's mean as well as false, to  
Quit me for a woman that does not  
Love him.  Amph. 
Hold Amarissa, hear me speak, before  
Zoranzo dies,— and be assured he  
Loves you still.  Amar. 
Woven you deceive me too?  Amph. 
Indeed I dont, when we were  
Going to die, you may remember that  
We whispered, than we called Heaven  
And ourselves to witness,  
That both our Loves were true,  
Mine to Archimedes, his to you.  Amar. 
Can you forgive me Sir.— Kneels.  Zo. 
I cannot answer yet,  
Thy civility has took away my speech.  Duke. 
Dear Amphelia, how came this sad  
Mistake 'twixt you and I.  Amph. 
I'll tell you Sir in part, when you were  
In this last War, my woman received  
A Letter from one of the Gentlemen of your  
Chamber, wherein he did assure  
Her, that you had a new Mistress in  
That Country, and therefore bid her tell  
Me of it, that I might by degrees,  
Wean my affection from so false a man  
As you.  Duke. 
Here has been some foul play, for  
This very man you spoke of, received  
A Letter from your woman, wherein she  
Bid him assure me, that you were  
Proved false in my absence, and Loved my  
Cousin Ortellus.  Guard. 
Go fetch them both hither  
Immediately, they shall die without  
Mercy.  Ortell. 
Nay then I had as good discover,  
'Twill fall the heavier on me else.  
Sir let the Guard stay,  
And I will tell you all.  
'Tis I, have sowed the seeds of this mistake,  
I long have loved Amphelia, for which cause  
I tried this way to draw her heart from you.  
I knew this Gentleman of your Bedchamber  
Was in Love with Amphelia's woman,  
Therefore I bribed her to write to him,  
To assure the Duke that Amphelia loved me,  
And that she should also charge him, to  
Write another Letter to her, wherein he  
Should complain of the Duke's falling in  
Love with another woman in that  
Country, I knew your spirits both to be  
So great, that neither of you would  
Stoop to one another, when you were  
Both possessed of either's falseness, and  
So it proved, for when the Duke heard  
You Loved me, he brought a fair  
New Mistress over with him, to let you  
See he did contemn you, and so  
Amphelia Sir, when she heard you  
Loved another, assured me then that she  
Loved me, which now I see was only  
To make you think how much she  
Scorned you; though still her heart  
Was true, and so was yours, now  
Sir I humbly beg your Pardon.  Duke. 
'Twill be in vain my Lord, I cannot  
Grant it; Oh Amphelia, how many  
Hours of joy, we two have lost.  Amph. 
Base Lord.  Enter Artabella. Artab. 
O Sir, I heard that people were to die  
To day, let me be one I pray.  Amph. 
Not for the World sweet innocent  Arta. 
Oh Madam you are she the Duke  
Loves, pray spare your Pity, Sir can  
You have the heart to let me live,  
And see you Married to another?  Amph. 
Have patience sweet young Maid,  
I will not Marry him, you won't blame  
Me if I love him though.  Arta. 
No, for than I should condemn my  
Fault in you.  Duke. 
But sure Amphelia, you did but jest,  
In telling her you would not Marry me;  Amph. 
Indeed Sir I am in earnest; Consider  
'Tis but justice, she loves you as well  
As I, her heart was quiet till you  
Troubled it.  Duke. 
All this is true, but how will your  
Love show, if you refuse to marry me?  Amph. 
Not less at all, but make my Pity more.  Duke. 
If I would marry her, I cant believe  
That she would be thus kind to you.  Amph. 
Yes, I dare say she would; ask her and try.  Duke. 
Well Artabella, will you Marry me?  Arta. 
You never hated me till now, can you  
Believe I'd wrong so blessed a  
Woman as Amphelia.  Amph. 
See Sir, would it be justice now in me,  
She will not wound my heart, should  
I kill hers.  Duke. 
But consider 'tis you I Love, not her,  Amph. 
That's her misfortune Sir, yet she  
Deserves as much as I: I can but love  
You, so does she▪  Duke. 
Dear Amphelia marry me?  Amph. 
I cannot out of pity Sir;  Duke. 
Talk not of pity, if thou wilt show  
Me none.  Amp. 
My pity, is her due: my love is yours.  Duke. 
O Amphelia, this was a cruel way to  
Make me happy. thou'dst better still  
Have kept my joys unknown;  
Then let the knowing of it be my death.  
Once more my dear Amphelia marry me:  Amph. 
Do not Petition, her you may command  
In any thing but this.  Duke. 
Monster of Villains, thou hast caused  
All this; Excecutioner, immediately strike  
Off his head.  Ortell. 
I'm sure you will not let me die;  Duke. 
Impudent Villain, dispatch him straight?  Ortell. 
Hold Sir, 'tis only I can make you three  
Happy, which if you do not confess,  
When you have heard me speak,  
Then let me die.  Duke. 
Well let's hear it.  Ortell. 
Promise me my life first, if I do.  Duke. 
Well you shall have it.  Ortell. 
Then know the Lady Artabella is  
Your Sister.  Duke. 
Ha.  Ortell. 
I say your Sister, you do remember  
That you had one once?  Duke. 
Yes I do, but she was lost at three  
Years old.  Ortell. 
'Tis true 'twas thought so; but thus  
It is, when 'twas reported you were  
Slain in the Battle;  
I straight conveyed away this Lady  
Then a Child, because she should not  
Stand 'twixt me and the Dukedom, I being  
Then acquainted with the Mother to  
Arbatus, I brought this Lady, and gave  
Her a sum of Money, to adopt her for  
Her Child, with willingness my offer  
She imbrac', d the more, because her  
Son Arbatus had then been lost  
About seven years; thought to have  
Been cast a way at Sea; though afterwards  
Returned home, I had enjoined her  
Secrecy which she kept, therefore  
She told Arbatus 'twas his Sister.  Enter Arbatus. Duke. 
And is she then my Sister.  
Oh, Arbatus, welcome, welcome;  
I have a crowd of Joys, about my heart  
To tell thee.  Arba. 
What! that you have broke my Sister's heart.  Duke. 
Thou hast no Sister; 'Tis I possess that  
Blessing, Artabella, is my Sister, how  
Blessed a sound is sister to my Ears,  
I'll give command, no other word but  
Sister shall be spoke throughout My  
Dukedom; I'll have it taught to  
Infants; so that when nature lends  
Their sucking tongues a means to  
Speak one word, they all shall  
Babble Sister, instead of Nurse, I'll  
Have the name engraved in Gold on  
Every Post and Pillar in the Streets,  
And passers by, shall worship it.  Arba. 
I am amazed.  Enter Philidor and Mirida. Duke. 
Welcome Philidor.  Phili. 
I am glad to see joy in your looks  
Again Sir, the time is long since  
I have seen you smile.  Duke. 
Philidor, all that is Joy, I have within  
This Breast, it o'er flows and runs  
Into my Eyes; This is my Sister, oh  
What a word is Sister. And this my  
Dear and true, Amphelia.  
Come Mirida shall be thine, to day too.  Mir. 
Hold Sir, I forbid that banes?  Phi. 
Troth so do I too; you always  
Take the words out of my mouth.  
You and I Marry quotha.  Mir. 
No faith, we'll be hanged first, I'd  
Rather hear along Sermon, then  
Hear a Person ask me, Mirida,  
Will you have this man for your  
Wedded Husband, to have and to hold.  
From this day forward and so forth.  Phi. 
Right, for better, for worse, in  
Sickness, or in Health.  Mir. 
I and perhaps after we have been  
Married half a year with ones  
Husband, falls into a deep Consumption,  
And will not do one the favour to  
Die neither, than we must be  
Ever feeding him with Caudle.  
Oh from a husband in a Consumption,  
Deliver me.  Phi. 
And think how weary I should be  
Of thee, Mirida, when once we were  
Chained together, the very name of  
Wife, would be a vomit to me, than  
Nothing, but where's my wife, call  
My wife to Dinner, call my wife to Supper  
And then at night, come wife will you  
Go to Bed.  Mir. 
I and that would be so troublesome  
To be called by one's husband every night  
To go to Bed, Oh that dull, dull  
Name of Husband.  Duke. 
Indeed you two are well met,  
The World has not two more such,  
I am confident.  Mir. 
The more the pity Sir.  Phili. 
No Sir, if you please, never propose  
Marrying to us, till both of us have  
Committed such faults as are death  
By the Law, than instead of  
Hanging us, Marry us.  Miri. 
And then you shall hear how  
Earnestly we shall Petition your  
Highness to be hanged rather then  
Married.  Duke. 
No man can judge which is the  
Wildest of these two.  
Now brave Arbatus, in all my Dukedom,  
There is but one gift worthy thy  
Receiving, and that's my Sister,  
Here Sir take her as freely as Heaven  
Gave her me.  Arba. 
D'ye forgive me Sir,  Duke. 
Or not myself Arbatus.  
This day, Hymen shall light his  
Torch for all.  Phi. 
With your Pardon Sir, not for me  
And my Female.  Mir. 
No faith, I'll blow it out if he does.  Arta. 
Sir, thought in my own desires,  
Should have chose the man that  
You have given me, yet I beg  
We may not Marry yet, we have  
Called Brother and Sister so long,  
That yet needs must think we  
Are so still.  Arba. 
Pray Madam, let's think so as  
Little a while as we can, that fancy  
May not keep my joy in Prison.  Duke. 
Let's to the Temple now, and there thank  
Heaven for these unexpected Joys.  
Each day the gods shall lend me in this life;  
I'll thank them for a Sister, and a Wife.  Exeunt.  
FINIS.