THE English Mounsieur. COMEDY, As it is Acted, at the Theater-Royal, By His MAJESTY'S SERVANTS.  
By the Honourable JAMES HOWARD Esq  
LONDON, Printed by H. Bruges for I. Magnus near the Piazza in Russel-street Covent Garden, 1674.   

The Names of the Persons.  

MR. Welbred, a wild Gentleman, Servant to the Lady Wealthy.  
Mr. Comely, his Companion.  
Mr. Frenchlove, the English Mounsieur.  
Mr. Vain, one who to gain the reputation of a Debauch; belies himself, and all women he knows.  
Jack Arch, his Footboy.  
Two Parsons.  
Gripe, a Scrivener.  
A Hector.  
English. Tailor, & Milliner.  
French. Tailor, & Merchants.  
William, a Wilt-shire Clown.  
Lackeys.  
Porter.  
Servants.  
Fiddlers.  
Lady wealthy, a rich Widow, in love with Welbred.  
Two Ladies, of her acquaintance.  


I. Mrs. Crafty,  
II. Mrs. Crafty.   2 Courtesans, and Mistresses to 

Frenchlove, &  
Vain.    
Elsbeth, a Country Lass; Sweetheart to William.  
Waiting woman, to the Lady wealthy.   
SCENE, London.   

The English Mounsieur.  
ACT the first, SCENE the first.  
Enter Mr. Welbred and Mr. Comely. SCENE Covent Garden. Wel. 
FRenchlove is come then it seems.  Com. 
I spoke with one that saw him?  Wel. 
And what Composition is the Man— of since his Travels.  Com. 
Why I am told, that he is absolutely composed of Frigaces and Essences.  Wel. 
A very admirable character of a man, I perceive he is en no better, nor no worse, than an effected English man— translated into a ridiculous French man— I believe such a fellow as thy— were he but given to Poetry— would be continually making of Verses in praise of French Tailors— French Cooks— and French Merchants— which are but of the lower rank of English P●…lars.  Com. 
Well— I am very glad he's returned so accomplished a person— to make sport with— he will serve to pass away many a tedious hour— and make us laugh more than a wiserman—  Well. 
Faith thou'rt in the right— I 'me resolved he shall be our Physician for the Spleen.  Com. 
You know we have another too a; eminent in folly as he, though in a different kind— you guess who I mean.  Well. 
Who Mr. Vain?  Com. 
The very same, that fellow is a Coxcomb of great value, his humour is very pleasant, he loves to be thought a debauch, in all kinds, and is none; brags of his, great acquaintance with women— and their kindness to him, and yet he knows not one in the whole Town.  Well. 
Prithee look yonder and behold the approaching shadow of the man we were talking of: Substance he has none.  Enter Mr: Vain, and jack Arch his Footboy. Com. 
The Gentleman spies us already.  Vain. 
I see Mr. Welbred and Mr. Comely, now I will speak so loud to my Boy, that they may hear— Sirrah, go to those six several Ladies that sent to my Chamber this morning, and say your Master cannot possibly wait on them to night— and d'hear Sirrah, take heed that one Lady's Chambermaid does not dog you to the next Lady's Lodging, for their jealousy makes them as watchful over me as so many Cats.  Well. 
O— impudent Rascal  aside. Vain. 
And when you return with your answers, Be sure remember to deliver the same messages to me As you are wont to do before Company.  aside to the boy. Com. 
I believe that word in private, Is to instruct the boy what message he is to bring back.  Vain 
Make haste Sirrah.  Boy 
Yes, yes Sir,— now must I stay just such a time away, as I might really have dispatched these feigned errands—— To these six Ladie-No-bodies— and then return with Six huge lies— now let all the world be judge if there Can be such another Rogue as my Master.  Exit boy. Well. 
Mr. Vain, we overheard you Message to your boy, you're A happy man, wrapped in your mother's smock.  Vain 
What d'ye mean Sir.  Well. 
Nay never let your modesty deny what we heard, no Less than women by the half dozen in love with you— Very good! when other men are writing Petitioning-Letters For admittance,— you're sending excuses that you cannot come.  Vain. 
Well Gentlemen, since you have overheard me against My will, I wonder you should think me happy, that Am troubled with the importunity of so many women.  Well. 
If that be your misfortune, Sir, would you'd make us Sharers with you, and bring us acquainted with some Of these Ladies— we'd help to ease your burden.  Vain. 
Alas Sir, they poor hearts would take it unkindly From me, because their affections are particularly to My person.  Com. 
We don't question that, but by your slighting them We might get into favour.  Vain. 
Troth I have used them to that a great while, and do not find it lessens me in their esteem— past the recovery Of a kind visit.  Well. 
Are you acquainted, Sir, with the widow, my Lady Wealthy.  Vain. 
I Sir, I think I am.  Com. 
She's a great Fortune, I wonder you don't think of marrying her.  Vain. 
Faith, Sir, I'm too great a Libertine to think of settling— Pox on't, I made a great debauch last night with wine And women.  Well. 
This fellow is the wonder of impudence  Enter Vain's boy. Boy. 
Sir, an please you the Ladies are very much unsatisfied They cannot rest till they behold you.  Vain. 
Blook-head who bid you deliver your message aloud When you see company by?  Boy. 
E'en your lying Worship—  Aside. Vain. 
Well— Gentlemen I must beg your excuse, that I Cannot wait upon you any longer at this time.  Com. 
'Twere uncivil to desire it, Sir, hearing your urgent occasions, Your humble servant. 'Tis impossible to believe there could be any such fellow as this— in nature— did we not know him— now let's go make a visit to Frenchloves.  Well. 
Agreed.  Exit Will. and Com. Vain. 
Now, do wonder at myself of all men living, what kind of devil possesses me, to make me do these things. I excuse my absence to six women, that know not one, as many as there are in this town— I told them too, I was drinking and wenching last night— if I were, 'twas my Landladies small beer, and she was my wench, whose body is now so old, that death has laid claim to't by course of nature above these forty years— I can't imagine how I first came to be of his humour, unless 'twere hearing the Orange Wenches talk of Ladies and their Gallants. So I begun to think I had no way of being in the fashion, but bragging of Mistresses.  Boy, 
Sir, I think I deserve more than two Liveries a year in your Worship▪ service— because I think I do more business than other gentlemen's footmen.  Vain, 
In what boy;  Boy, 
In lying for your Worship an't please ye:  Vain, 
Well sirrah I'll consider of it.  Boy, 
He dares not deny me for fear I'll betray him.  Exeunt. Enter French love, with two dirty Lackeys at his heels, newly come out of France and arrived at London. French. 
Hei Lackeys go to Le Fronies and bespeak for my supper a Pottage, a Frigacie, and some lardid Partridge, Attande vous.  Lackeys 
Ovy Mon—  Ext. Lacq. French. 
Cur ill Mont, 'tis some comfort yet that in this vast Beef-eating City, a French house may be found to eat at— for the most of the streets I have rode through from the Bridge to Covent Garden, are Butcher rows, where I saw the butchers strewing the flesh of their distressed Beefs with Rosemary as the English do a Corpse at a Funeral. The Devil's in't that this England should be my Country, I cannot think myself the least a kin to it, since I have been in France, 'twould vex me plaguly were I not a Frenchman in my second nature (that is) in my fashion, discourse and clothes. I cannot devise it: this whole City of London, how to find out any one Divertisement, Let me see (first) I must go ask blessing of my Father and Mother. Diabol! what a damned English fashion is that, than they cry O welcome Son, you must stay and dine with us, we have a good rump of Beef in the pot for dinner: A rump of the Devil, that I should have an English father and mother, and they a French son.  Enter Lacquie. Lacquie, 
Monsieur your French supper shall be ready presently.  French. 
Et bein, methinks there's a gust in that word French supper, but the very sound of an English supper, takes away the stomach of a person that's well bred.  Enter Mr. Welbred. Wel. 
Mr. Frenchlove, you are welcome into England, and to Spring Garden— I suppose this to be the best Diversion we can enter all you with, since 'tis a place will afford the sight of all our English Beauties.  French. 
Sir, I thank you, but you must pardon me; if the memory of French Ladies be so fresh in me, that I doubt I shall hardly esteem the English women equal to them.  Enter Lady Wealthy and two other Ladies. Wel. 
Sir we will not tell the Ladies your mind, for fear they should despair, yonder are some of them, if you please let's— walk up towards them, and discourse.  Lady We. 
O— Madam yonder's Mr. Welbred, and the new arrived Mr. Frenchlove.  1 Lady, 
By what I have heard, he is a sight worth seeing.  Lady We. 
Look how he throws his legs as if he would fain be rid of them— what distance there is between 'em— I believe there are not a pair of legs in the whole Town so great strangers one to another as his.  French. 
Oh fie I surfeit of those Ladies already.  Wel. 
What before you see their faces.  French. 
They are so narrow with their feet that they but, in France they will not give a sauce for a Horse that does so?  Wel. 
No more will they in England.  Frenchlov' makes two or three ridiculous legs. 
Madam Mr. French love newly come out of France. I need not tell you how accomplished a person Since his Boon mean will answer for him.  Lady Weal. 
You're welcome into England, Sir, you are come to run the hazard of English women falling in love with you, and that we are apt to do with persons so much Frenchified as yourself.  French. 
Madam I confess though an English Nurse taught me to go, a French Dancing-master taught me to walk.  L. Wealth. 
Sir, I guest that seeing you come towards us. It sets us women already a longing to see you dance, I hope you'll grant us that savour upon better acquaintance.  French. 
Madam I am sorry I cannot promise it, for I doubt my ear will not endure the scraping of English Fiddlers, since I have been used to the sound of the French Violins.  L. Weal. 
Sir I fear all our diversions in England will be but Diseases to your nature.  French. 
Truly Madam, unless they were French, I shall not affect them at any rate—— I'm very sorry I can continue no longer in the honour of your Ladyship's company, for I am going to employ my Eyes in the view of some French Clothes and Garnitures that are newly brought me out of France, which is a business of grand concern to a person that has seen the world.  L. Weal. 
Sir, we will not detain you from so great an affair, What ever our inclinations are to your company.  French. 
Madam I hope you will be pleased to suffer a personal visit from me,  Well. 
What a Devil does he mean by a personal visit,  he makes ridiculous legs and goes off. 
Sure he does not mean to send his Lacquie as an Envoy,  L. Weal. 
Mr. Welbred, I confess you are not worse Than your word in showing us this Monsieur  Well. 
Madam the reason why London is more pleasant to live in, Then the Country is because all sorts of fools come to it.  L. Weal. 
Indeed I think this fellow not inferior to any kind of Ass, that ever yet I saw— pray let's make good use of him.  Well. 
Madam my life on't, we'll handle him to the best advantage but— hark ye— one word in private as to the old business, when will ye marry me.  L. Weal. 
Old business d'e call it, sure 'tis new to you, for you han't me yet.  Well. 
Pish, pray tell me when ye will marry me.  L. Well. 
When will I marry you— when will I love ye, you should ask me first.  Well. 
Why don't ye.  L. Weal. 
Why do I, did you ever hear me say I did  Well. 
I never heard you say you did not.  L. Weal. 
I'll say so now then if you long.  Well. 
By no means say not a thing in haste, you may Repent at leisure.  L. Weal. 
Come leave your fooling or I'll swear it.  Well. 
Don't widow, for than you'll lie too.  L. Weal. 
Indeed it seems 'tis for my money then you would have me.  Well. 
For that and something else you have.  L. Weal. 
Well, I'll lay a wager thou hast lost all thy money at Play, for than you're always in a marrying humour. But d'ye here Gentleman, d'ye think to gain me with this careless way, or that I will marry one I don't think is in love with me.  Well. 
Why I am.  L. Weal. 
Then you would not be so merry, people in Love are sad and many times weep.  Well. 
That will I never do for thee widow.  L. Weal. 
And why?  Well. 
'Twould argue me a child, and I am confident if thou didst not verily believe I were a man, I should ne'er be thy Husband— weep for thee— ha, ha, ha,— if e'er I do  L. Weal. 
Go hang yourself.  Well. 
Thank you for your advice.  L. W. 
Well then shall I see you again?  Well. 
When I have a mind to't— Come, I'll lead you to your Coach for once.  L. W. 
And I'll let you for once—  Exeunt. Enter Taylor and Milliner. Mill. 
'Twere brave if we could get his custom.  Taylor. 
I doubt it not, I've worked for his Family above this twenty years. I warrant thee, if he accept of me for his Tailor I'll prefer you for his Milliner.  Mill. 
This is his Lodging,— let's knock,  They knock. Enter Enter French Lacquie. Lacquie, 
Qui est la:  Mill. 
What do he say kill.  Taylor. 
Sir, we would wait upon the Right Honourable Mr. Frencklove  Lacquie, 
That be my Matre, me tell him  Exit Lacquie. Taylor. 
I done't like these French faces about him, they will persuade him from buying of us.  Enter Frenchlove. 
God bless your Honour, you're welcome into England again, I have made many a white coat for your Worship, when you were a child, I worked for your Father these twenty years, and hope to have your Honour's custom, I have brought Suits ready made up, for your Honour to see.  French. 
And who is that other man?  Taylor, 
A Milliner that has the best choice in the Exchange.  French. 
Why these are all English things you show me.  they open their ware. Taylor, 
Yes Sir we knew what would please your worship.  French. 
Ye are two mistaken Cockines.  In the mean time enter a French Tailor and a French Merchant. Mill. 
What means he by Cockines?  Taylor, 
'Tis Rogues in English, I heard two Frenchmen call one another so in the street, and a man that stood by, interpreted the words to me.  Mill. 
We are like to sell much ware then.  Enter second Lacquie. Lacquie, 
Mounsieur— the Merchant of France and the Mounsieur Tailor of France are come.  French. 
Bring 'em in.  E. Tailor, 
Plague of his French throat, I had rather he'd brought news of two Devil's, we shall be finely served now.  Enter two Frenchmen. F. Taylor. 
Mounsieur we have brought you the new fashions of France for clothes and Gairntures. Mounsieur Le Merchant and myself sold the same to the King of France for the last grand ball.  French. 
See the difference of the French fashions and the damned English.  F. Taylor. 
You have the English Tailor and the Pedlar in your Chamber, begar they look like sheep.  E. Taylor. 
Say you so Frenchmen you shall find us wolves.  aside French. 
D'ye hear me Gentlemen, if you stay I'll give you forty Candy's of Battons for your ware.  E. Taylor. 
An't please your Worship, how much is that in English money? for we shall take any reasonable price to gain your Custom.  French. 
Why that sum in English, comes to forty swinging blows with an extreme tough cudgel.  Mill. 
O Sir we can't take that, our ware stood us in more.  F. Taylor. 
O— Mr. Englishman you understand some French.  E. Taylor. 
May I never eat slice of liquid beef again, had I that French Rogues Tongue in my mouth if I would not bite it off as close to the root as ever Barber shaved beard.  Mill. 
We will watch their coming out and beat 'em  E. Taylor, 
Agreed.  Exe. E. Taylor and Milliner. French. 
Well, what is your lowest price of these things?  F. Taylor. 
Ma foi, a hundred Pistol.  French. 
Lacquie, bid my Vale de Chambre pay a hundred Pistol— adieu.  F. Taylor. 
Mounsieur votre serviteur tres humble:  Exe. French Taylor & Merchant, they meet with the E. Taylor and Milliner who wait for 'em. 
We did much disgrace the English Man's.  Merchant, 
Begar me laugh to think how they sneaked away.  E. Taylor. 
And d''ee know the faces of those Englishmen again if ye see them.  Merchant. 
Methinks they be very much like you in visage.  Mill. 
You are in the right, we are the men you called sheeps in Mounsieurs Chamber.  F. Taylor. 
Begar me no like that they have— the English anger in their face, now would me could take five strides for one to be rid of 'em.  E. Taylor. 
My fine Mounsieur we stayed here to have the honour of being better known to you, and do intend to do your ears the favour in making them acquainted with our fists.— Therefore thus with our fists we salute your ears.  They throw ' in down and beat them hugely. F. Merchant. 
Is this the English fashion to take acquaintance? begar the English butcher takes acquaintance with his Calf— so that he bills him.  F. Taylor. 
The French Gentleman does no fight with his hands, but with his Rapier, therefore we challenge you to meet us to morrow in the field to give Mounsieur la Merchant and myself satisfaction.  Mill. 
Well we'll meet you to morrow in Southampton fields,— there we shall be private.  Exeunt.  
Finis Actus primi.   

ACT the II.  

SCENE the I.  Enter Mrs. Crafty alone. Mrs. Crafty. 
THis life of mine can last no longer than my Beauty, and though 'tis pleasant now, I want nothing whilst I am Mr. Welbred's Mistress, yet if his mind should change, I might e'en sell Oranges for my Living, and he not buy one of me to relieve me. It came into my head last night that this ridiculous fellow Mr. Frenchlove I might get for my Husband by the help of fortune, and a little Parson that useth to marry privately. If I could but light handsomely into his Company, I am confident I know a rare way to tickle this Trout. They say he affecteth all things that are French, and despiseth English, therefore will I affect the garb of a French woman, and jeer at all English women and their fashions. This is the French shop where he uses to buy Essences and Gloves, thither will I go. And if I can meet him luckily, I shall feel his pulse to know what Physic is fit for my Mounsieurs Diseases— yonder comes the Mounsieur, my wished for object.  Enter French love. 
Fortune begins as if she would be my friend. Have you any thing that is newly come out of France?  Shopkeeper. 
Ouy Madam, me have all the rarest things of Paris, the smell of the Orange Jessemy, Violet and Rose, all grow in my Gloves and Essences as natural as upon the trees.  Crafty. 
Come show me some French Pendants and Gloves of the pretty French fancy.  Shoop keeper. 
Madam, I shall show you the Rarity of France.  Crafty. 
I must make use of some Discourse to please this  aside. 
French love ears— I came from the Exchange, where I saw a flock of English Ladies buying taudry trimmed Gloves, of the dull English fancy; Pinks, Scarlet and Yellow together one chose; another Black, Red and Blue, and Pendants like Hawks Bells, and these Ladies were making themselves fine for a Ball in the City, where they enamour the hearts of every foreman of the shop, and they to express their passions, instead of languishing, eye-casts and sighs do stare and groan, as if they were giving up the Ghost for those Ladies.  French. 
This must be some person of Quality that has been in France, I know by her despising the English women.  aside. Crafty, 
Such Ladies as these are fit for our dull English Gentry, give me a young Gallant that after his being in France, returns so well bred, that he laughs at his own Country— the fool looks pleased at my discourse, he shall have more on't.  French. 
I must speak to her, she has charmed my eyes and ears.  aside 
Madam let me not appear a rude English man, by this presumption, of speaking to you, if it be a crime, you ought to pardon it, for I have seen no woman since my coming out of France, that would cause my admiration, but yourself, besides your Celestial beauty, I adore the truths I heard spoke by your fair tongue.  Crafty, 
'Tis my opinion, Sir, concerning our English Nation.  French. 
O— Madam your opinion is beautiful as well as your face.  Crafty, 
Here Mounsieur how much must you have for your gloves?  Shop keep. 
Twenty, Madam.  Crafty, 
There is eighteen— Sir your servant.  French. 
O Madam, I must be farther bold:  Crafty, 
In what Sir?  French. 
In beging leave to kiss your Ladyship's hand.  Crafty, 
Sir though I would not coily refuse you— like an English woman, yet I know not how to grant that.  French. 
I most humbly beg it.  Crafty, 
'Tis not modesty in me upon this small acquaintance.  French. 
Madam if you'll give a beggar a piece of Bread that is starving, deny me not this Alms.  Crafty, 
Well Sir I am loath to let you sue for so small a thing, yet I must blush and turn away my head to grant it.  French. 
Heaven reward your Charity.  Frenchlove leads her to the door and makes his reverence: she looks back again. Crafty, 
Your servant Sir.  French. 
Give me leave to wait on you to your Coach.  Crafty, 
Now help me Fortune, and I'll snap wise Mr. Frenchlove in an English trap.  Exit Crafty. Exit French. at another door. Enter the English Tailor and Milliner into the place appointed to fight with the Frenchmen. Milliner, 
These French Rogues are not come yet.  Taylor, 
But what shall we do with this Mattock and Spade.  Mill. 
I'll secure thee, they are weapons shall do us more good Than our Swords, let's fall a digging a couple of Graves.  Taylor, 
Well and what of that.  Mill. 
Why I believe the very sight of it will be so terrible to our two Frenchmen, that mere fancy will make them turn Astrologers in their own defence, and guests the sat of their own Stars,— is for them to be buried in these two Graves we are digging, if they fight with us— O yonder they come.  Enter French Taylor and Merchant, they look about and see not the English. F. Tailor, 
The devil a one English man be here.  Merchant, 
Begar me post 'em up in Paris for the two Coward.  F. Tailor, 
And me tell the King of France's Tailor, come let's begone.  Eng. Tailor, 
D'ee hear you Frenchmen stay a little, the two English Cowards you think will not come, are here already.  F. Tailor, 
Me have no one eye then to see 'em.  E. Tailor, 
Yes yes, cast your French eye a little this way, and you'll see the men you challenged.  F. Tailor, 
O— methink you be the men.  E. Tailor, 
Indeed we are so, and have been digging two Graves to bury you two in, and now are ready for you;  The French start back, and draw. 
Nay pray hold a little before we go to't,  
Mr. French Taylor— I must take measure of you.  F. Tailor, 
Why do you do so Mr. English.  E. Tailor, 
Only to see if I have made your grave fit? Faith 'tis just, now as concerning our wager, I will lay thee the price of the triming a suit of clothes, that I hit my Frenchman at the first thrust, in the swallow, that he shall never eat again.  Mill. 
And I will lay thee the making up of a suit of clothes, that I cleave my Frenchman's head just in the middle, for I'm resolved to fight with this Mattock, therefore deliver up both your Swords, and agree to all our demands; first give us half the money you took for your ware in Mr. Frenchlove's Chamber, when you hindered us of— Custom: in the next place, when ever we have any thing to sell, you shall carry it to him, and say it came out of France.  F. Taylor. 
Well Mr. Englishmen, we'd die before we would do this, if it were not to teach you two rude Englishmen Complizance.  Exeunt Omnes at several doors. Enter Welbred and Comely. Com. 
Come prethree let's contrive how to make some sport with Vain and Frenchlove.  Wel. 
Let's invite my Lady Wealthy and the other Ladies to a Ball, and have Frenchlove and Vain there.  Com. 
Agreed, I like it well.  Enter first Crafty. 1 Crafty, 
I would not expect a better beginning, than my first opportunity, I will impart my design to Mr. Welbred— O yonder he is.  Wel. 
Mrs. Crafty well met, your head looks full of business.  Crafty, 
I have some with you Sir—  takes him aside. Wel. 
You have none that I won't do, if it lies in my power.  Crafty, 
I thank you Sir (than this it is) I suppose you know Mr. Frenchlove.  Wel. 
Very well, would you were married to him.  Crafty, 
Shall I have your assistance?  Wel. 
Withal my heart.  Crafty, 
I have been in his company already, I heard of a French Shop he frequented, there I designed to meet him, there I did, and affected the garb and humour of a French woman, hearing he despised all English: I could not expect better success in my first adventure, than I found. For he seemed to like me so well, that he begged leave to wait on me at my Lodging, to which I seemed very unwilling, but at last granted it, not a word of this to Mr. Comely.  Welbred whispers Comely and tells him. Well. 
Why so, by all means let him know it, he is a person will assist you.  Comely, 
Fie Mistress Crafty, I take it ill you bid Welbred not tell me of your design, I shall further it all I can, you have a sister too that am obliged to, whom I will endeavour to get married to Mr. Vain.  Crafty, 
I thank you Sir, Mr. Welbred your Servant, I cannot stay now, for I expect Frenchlove at my lodging.  Exit Crafty. Well. 
These two fellows, Frenchlove and Vain are like to be well Wived.  Comely, 
I hope the plot will take;— here comes my Lady Wealthy, and other Ladies.  Enter Lady wealthy and other Ladies. Well. 
Madam, this fine Evening is our friend since it has brought you hither.  L. Weal. 
'Troth Welbred had I thought to have met no other Company than you, I should not have come.  Well. 
That is to say, you would not have come two hours ago, when I was not here— but you would have come now Widow.  L. Weal. 
Well Sir, I'll have nothing to say to you till you can leave this impudent way of Discourse— Mr. Comely, when shall we have the fiddlers and be merry.  Comely, 
As soon as you'll command them Madam.  L. Weal. 
To night then, and let us have Frenchlove and Vain.  Comely, 
I dare engage for Frenchlove, but for Vain I know not what to say, for he's a fellow that so belies all Women, that I could never get him near any.  L. Weal. 
I never saw this fellow yet—  Well. 
No, nor never shall Madam— for we asked him one day if he were acquainted with you; and he answered us with a counterfeit smile— as much as to say, he was intimately, so that he will as soon be shut up with a Lioness in her Den, as come near you.  L. Weal. 
This fellow shall be your Rival, for he's yet a degree more impudent than you.  Well. 
Away, I shall never live to see him or any man else, My Rival.  L Weal. 
How now manners, d'ye think I cannot love no body else but you.  Wel. 
I think as good, I think you shan't.  L. Weal. 
Take heed young man you'll show your teeth too soon,  Wel. 
Faith Widow I'll show thee all I have to do thee good.  Enter Frenchlove leading Mrs. Crafty. L. Weal. 
Who comes here?  Comely, 
Upon my life Frenchlove with his Mistress.  L. Weal. 
Why who is that.  Com. 
One Mrs. Crafty.  L. Wea. 
That gentlewoman I hear has been very civil to you.  Comely, 
If she has Madam, I am endeavouring to return it, in getting her married to Mr. Frenchlove.  L. Weal. 
That shows good nature in you, but I doubt you'll want a Wife yourself then.  Wel. 
No that I shan't do as long as you live.  L. Weal. 
Well Sir, please yourself with that fancy.  Comely, 
Madam let us conceal ourselves in this Arbour, we shall either see or hear some very pleasant thing of Frenchlove as he walks with his Lady.  they stand close. French. 
Madam, leading your Ladyship put's me in mind of France.  Crafty, 
Why Sir.  French. 
Because you lead so like the French Ladies.  Crafty, 
This is because you lead me like the French Gentlewomen.  L. Weal. 
O— cunning Wench.  aside. French. 
I must confess I do so Madam, and really unless a person has been long in France, he knows not how to lead a Lady with a boon grace.  he looks on the ground. Crafty, 
Sir, why look you so earnestly on the ground.  French. 
I'll lay a hundred Pistols, here has been three English Ladies walking up before us.  Crafty, 
How can you tell Sir?  French. 
By being in France.  Crafty, 
— What a Devil can he mean.  aside. French. 
I have often in France observed in Gardens, when the Company used to walk after a small shower of Rain, the impressions of the French Ladies feet, I have seen so much boon mean in their footsteps, That the King of France's Matre de Dance, could not have found fault with any one tread amongst them all. In this walk I find the toes of English Ladies ready to tread one upon another.  Crafty, 
I must confess Sir, so nice an observation as this, Belongs only to a person of great breeding.  they laugh concealed. L. Weal. 
O— rare Wench.  French. 
Madam I esteem myself very happy in this hour wherein I have opportunity to present my passion to you in a French garb, that I may not look like dull English love.  Crafty, 
Sir, I shall endeavour to requite it by receiving it after the French way.  L. Weal. 
O— notable Wench— come let's meet them,  aside. they discover themselves. 
Mr. Frenchlove, you are met very opportunely,  
We designed to have your company to night at a Ball,  
Which I now desire of you.  French. 
I shall not fail to kiss your Ladyship's hands.  L. Weal. 
I hope you'll favour us with your company too,  Crafty, 
I shall wait upon your Ladyship— Mr. Welbred, I hope you have not told my Lady Wealthy?  Well. 
But I have, and these your friends,  Exit Lady wealthy, and the rest at one door. L. Weal. 
We shall expect you both.  Crafty, 
I see all Ladies desire your company.  French. 
I know not upon what score, but I must confess French-Englishmen are not common, though none can command my heart, but your Illustrious eyes—  Exeunt. Enter Vain in his Chamber, with Jack Arch his Boy. Vain. 
Boy what's a Clock.  Arch. 
What need you know Sir, you sit in your Chamber all day.  Vain. 
Pox on't how this Rogue, he knows my course of life to a Hair,— why sirrah would you have me go abroad.  Arch. 
Yes Sir, I would have wait upon Ladies as other young Gentlemen do.  Vain. 
Why so, I would sirrah with all my heart, but thou know'st I am acquainted with none; dost thou know any, Arch?  Arch. 
Yes Sir, I know one.  Vain. 
Who is't?  Arch. 
Why Sir, 'tis my Mother, she lives in a little Cellar yonder in Holborn.  Vain, 
Out— you impudent Rogue!  Arch. 
Nay Sir; be not angry, I meant it for your Entertainment, that you might not sit at home all day in your Lodging.  Vain, 
Sirrah, don't you think I should speak to a Woman very well, if I were acquainted with any?  Arch. 
I can't tell that, but I 'me sure you speak of 'em very largely, that's one reason I would have you make my Mother a Visit, that I might hear you talk to her, to know what manner of Discourse you would make use of, if there should ever happen an accident of your getting acquaintance with any woman.  Vain, 
Saucy boy, thy Mother is— no Gentle woman.  Arch. 
Yes Sir, I have heard her say. she is by the Father's side.  Vain, 
Why sirrah, you told me she was a Tradesman's daughter.  Arch. 
True Sir, most Tradesmen's Children are Gentlemen by the Father's side.  Knocking within. Vain, 
Go see who knocks at door.  Arch. 
Sir— Mr. Welbred.  Vain, 
Wait on him in, and be sure sirrah remember your Cues, if you hear me talking of women.  Arch. 
You'll raise my wages then.  Vain, 
Well, well, sirrah.  Enter Welbred. Well. 
Sir, 'tis a wonder to find you in your Chamber.  Letters lie up and down the Table superscribed for women. Vain, 
'Troth Sir, I have been dispatching some Letters.  Well. 
I see you have Sir, and every one of them directed to women.  Arch. 
Sir, what answer shall I give my Lady's Gentlewoman.  Vain, 
Sirrah, I shall cut out that Tongue of yours.  Well. 
Nay Mr. Vain, be not angry with the boy, 'tis no secret, your great acquaintance with women is known all over the Town. Sure no man did ever lie before this Fellow, I'll try how great a lie I can make him tell.  aside 
As I was coming along the street, I met a Funeral, and they said 'twas a maiden hearse.  Vain, 
Alas poor heart, she was buried to night it seems.  Well. 
Why Mr Vain, did you know her.  Vain, 
Yes Sir, the Doctors said they could not find what killed her, but Mr. Welbred, betwixt you and I, 'twas grief.  Well. 
O Mr. Vain, I apprehend you, 'twas for love of you, I find.  Vain, 
I don't say, so Sir; but I must confess I had some expressions from her upon her death bed, indeed the last words she said were Oh! Mr. Vain, Mr. Vain!  Well. 
And the last words I say of your Worship, are O Mr. Liar, Mr. Liar  aside Well. 
Well Sir, I come to tell you that your Company to night at a ball is desired by my Lady Wealthy, and other Ladies.  Vain, 
I shall not fail Sir, unless some great business hinders me.  Vain waits on him to the door Exit Well. Well. 
Your Servant Sir—  Vain, 
What a Devil made me say I would be at the ball, I have so belied all women, that I dare no more come where they are, than a Rat would into a Room where there is nothing but Cats.  Arch. 
Sir, with your Worship's favour, you are the greatest liar that ever was, for you not only belly the Bodies of women, but their Souls too, the first word that ever you heard of this woman that died was by Mr. Welbred.  Vain, 
Sirrah hold your prating.  Arch. 
I am resolved to go serve Mr. Welbred, if you will not now raise my wages— and tell the whole course of your life.  Vain, 
Well sirrah I'll give you twenty shillings a year more; this humour of mine keeps me in awe of my own foot boy, and yet I cannot leave it.  Exeunt. Enter Lady wealthy and other Ladies, and Comely as to the Ball. L. Weal. 
Truly Mr. Comely, I have not heard of better natured men than you and Mr. Welbred, for endeavouring to get your Mistresses well married; but most commonly you young men never think of those kindnesses till you're weary of the Faces: It seems you reserve Mr. Vain for your Mistress.  Comely, 
Indeed Madam, I think we have pinched upon two as fiting Husbands for 'em as can be, for they want wives with wit, and the women Husbands with Money.  L. Weal. 
I wonder Frenchlove and his Lady are not here yet, pray speak to the Music to play—  They play As the Music is playing; Enter Frenchlove & Crafty after he has made his reverence to the Company he beats the time of the Corant false. Alsworth, 
Sir, you don't beat the time right.  French. 
How's that, then 'tis damned English time you play—  Alsworth, 
Yes Sir, it is so.  French. 
Oh— that is the justness of my ear, that only keeps French time.  Alsworth, 
Sir, French time and English time, and all one.  French. 
Hold your prating Fairy Fidler.  Alsworth, 
Sir, Upon account I will play with any man in France.  French. 
I do intend to speak to the King to morrow in a business that shall be for your advantages.  Fiddlers, 
We give you thanks Sir.  French. 
It is that ye may be allshipt away for France, and I shall give every one of you a Letter of Recommendations to the King of France's Violins to entertain you as their Servants, and so teach you the French way of play, and d'ye hear you Alderman Fidler, don't you love Beef extremely.  Atkins, 
Yes Sir.  French. 
Leave eating on'●…, you'll never play a good Base else; you must all expect to be dieted when you are in France, and Dine of cold salads three times a week.  L. Weal. 
Come Mr. Frenchlove, will you dance a Corant.  French. 
Withal my heart Madam, if these Fiddlers could play the right French time.  They play, and he takes L. Wealthy by the hand as to begin, but finds fault with their playing and will not Dance. L. Weal. 
Let them try.  French. 
Madam, excuse me 'tis impossible to Dance to their playing.  L. Weal. 
This fool cannot Dance, and so puts it off.  aside. Enter Welbred. Welbred, 
What are you all mad good people, to have Music and no Dancing, why, how now Mr. Frenchlove won't you let these Ladies see your rare Quality.  French. 
Sir, 'tis impossible to Dance with the French Violins: Madam I shall beg the favour of a song from your Ladyship.  1 Lady, 
Mark Madam, how I will catch his French Judgement Now first I will sing you an English song, and then a French one to have your opinion of both.  aside She sings now I confess. F. Dial. 
Englishmen make songs of stormy works, as if they meant fighting— not love, Madam, by your pardon bestow a French song upon us.  
What Excellent words, and Air French songs are made of  she sings a foolish French song. L. Weal. 
Sir, I admire your matchless Judgement in all things, and envy Mrs. Crafty, who I hear has the pleasure of your Company from all other women, you show your Judgement in placing your affection upon so deserving a Person as she is, for Beauty and Breeding.  Well. 
Hark ye Comely, your Mrs. stays without to speak with you, so when the ball is done I'll wait upon the Lady's home, that you may stay.  aside L. Weal. 
Come Ladies 'tis late, let's go, Gentlemen your Servant.  Exeunt all but Comely. Enter Second Crafty. Comely, 
I was coming to you, welbred told me you were here.  2 Craf. 
I have but just time to tell you concerning the business of Mr. Vain, how my sister has advised me in't; he's a fellow comes near no sort of Company, so that I know not how to get acquainted with him, she bid me therefore write a Letter to him full of modest admiration of his Person; I told her this would make him smoke it, and think— Impudence in a woman  Comely, 
No, no, he has advised you well, to any knowing man 'twould appear so, but to such an Idiot as he, 'twill take as quick as tinder. Is the Letter gone?  2 Crafty, 
Yes, yes, and I expect him here, I writ him word I would be walking in the Spring Garden.  Comely, 
My life on't the design takes— O yonder he comes, let us conceal ourselves.  Enter Vain and Jack Arch. Vain, 
prithee jack look once more upon the superscription, I cannot believe 'tis to me from a woman.  jack, 
Yes, yes Sir, it is for the Right Honourable Mr. Vain Esquire.  Vain, 
Prithee read the Letter once again.  
Sir look not upon the weakness of a woman with a despising eye, since 'tmy Affection to your Person and Parts causes this shameful confession of mind, wherein I own I have a greater value for you than all mankind, blushing I set my hand to this.  jack reads Vain, 
jack, between you and I, this Letter I fear may be only to bring me hither, and so trepan me into a beating; for I have spoken so largely of all Women, that I expect it one time or other.  
Now do I apprehend meeting some overgrown Hector that knows I am a Coward, and then i'm sure to have forty blows more from him than any other man.  
Therefore jack have a nimble eye.  jack, 
Sir, O, my Conscience yonder comes such a kind of man as your Worship was speaking of, for his shirt hangs out at his waist, and his Choler is unbuttoned.  Enter Hector. Vain, 
'Tis so, let's slip aside to avoid him.  Hector, 
By jupiters' great toe I'll walk here these two hours, but i'll catch this slave, and if I light on him I'll beat him after the new way that I and my brother Kins man invented last night, which all old fashion beating is nothing to.  Vain, 
This is very hard, I am not only designed to be beaten here to night, but after a new way to boot: Pox of all new fashions say I O jack, what a fool was I to think any woman really could write such a Letter to me.  Hector, 
'Tis the time he promised to be here, well the longer he stays away, the longer will I be a swinging him.  Vain, 
This fellow is finely resolved, there is no way but one Jack for me to scape; all Hectors ever want money, therefore do thou go and offer him these five pieces to be pacified  the Hector walks furiously. Jack, 
Sir, I suppose you know my Master.  Hector, 
I suppose you lie sirrah— your master may be in Hell for aught I know.  Votne, 
'Twas well guest, so I am, if Hell be a place of Torment.  Jack, 
A'●… please you sir, are not you employed as being a stout man to beat a Gentleman here this Evening.  Hector, 
I boy— it is your master then it seems.  Jack, 
Amongst friends, it is so sir.  Hector, 
I do intend to try if he be stockfish.  Jack, 
Nay pray sir, my Master has sent you five pounds to lay your fury, and protests he loves you dearly  He takes the money. Hector, 
O— I had forgot, your master's name is Mr— Mr—  Jack, 
Mr. Vain an' please you sir.  Hector, 
ay, I, the same, he's an honest Gentleman, if he be here boy tell him I am his humble Servant,  Jack. 
I'll bring him to you straight.  Jack goes to his Master. Hector, 
This was rare luck, to get five pieces to forbear beating of a man, who for aught I know might have beat me: But now will I get more money out of my unknown Customer.  Mr. Vain comes to the Hector. Vain, 
My Noble Friend, your Servant,  Hector, 
Damn sir— upon what acquaintance, I know not one feature of your face, not so much as your Nose.  Vain, 
Sir, my boy was with you but now with five pieces I presented you with.  Hector, 
Five Devils sure, you have a countenance looks as if you would be run through.  Vain, 
Pardon me sir, I don't desire it— but indeed I sent you five pieces to forbear me.  Hector, 
Well sir, you did, and to tell you truth, I never intended, nor was employed to beat you; perhaps you over heard me talking of Cudgeling one, but 'twas not you.  Vain, 
Nay then Sir, give me my money again.  Hector. 
Hold there, by the mistake I find you are a fellow that both will, and deserve to be beaten, so that if you don't give me five pounds more you shall have it straight.  Vain, 
To show you I don't value five pounds, here 'tis.  Hector, 
Now Sir, though this wont teach you Courage, yet it will reach you against another time not be a Coward before you need, and so your money and I bid you farewell.  Exit Hector. Enter Second Crafty. Comely, 
Now do you appear.  Vain. 
Was there ever such ill Luck as this jack?  jack, 
True Sir, but yonder I think comes as good, I believe the Lady that writ to you.  Vain. 
Now I am so daunted, that I fear 'tis a man in woman's clothes, prithee peep jack, and see if she has not a sword under her Coats, let's walk twice or thrice by her, before I venture to speak to her.  they walk by one another before they speak. 2 Crafty, 
I am confident this is he, by the description Comely gave me of him, I must use some means to make him speak to me; O— 'tis he, O that I were no woman, that I might take acquaintance with him.  aside. Vain, 
She means me jack, now will I speak to her, Madam may I ask your name?  2 Crafty, 
I do not use to tell it men, and yet I will to you, My name is Crafty?  Vain, 
The very sound doth sanctify my ears. Know you this Letter Madam?  2 Crafty, 
Would I could say I did not, for then this face would wear a thousand fewer blushes than it doth, however these Lines have betrayed my mind, Worthy Sir, think it not amiss of me, 'tis the first folly Love e'er prompted me to!  Vain. 
So far I am from such a thought, as I adore you, yet truly Madam 'tis not the first Letter by forty that I have received from women in this kind, though I never esteemed any but yours, pray pull off that envious Mask, it clouds my Heaven. So through thickest clouds, when Phoebus' break's, She pulls off her Mask. his light appears more glorious. May these eyes ever look upon me with Pity, and then I am blessed.  2 Crafty, 
Did not you hear a great noise in the Garden just now.  Vain. 
Yes Madam, one of these talking Hectors was prating very loud, and I met him, he began to Huff me, not knowing who I was, but afterwards he asked my name, and that quieted him.  Craf. 
I am very glad Sir, it came not to a quarrel, & now I must take my leave for this time, desiring you to forget the letter I writ to you.  Vain, 
Madam my heart must still remember you, and all things of you, before you go, I crave admittance to wait upon your Ladyship at your Lodging, as often as my love, to you, desires it.  2 Crafty, 
Sir after so great a show as I have made to you already of my kindness; 'twere folly in me to deny it! Your Servant.  Vain, 
Give me leave to wait on you to your Coach?  2 Crafty, 
No Sir, 'twill not be convenient, there are Ladies in the Coach stay for me.  Vain, 
Farewell Transparent-Diamond.  Exit Vain and his Boy. 2 Crafty, 
Farewell thou Transparent-Fool.  Comely appears. Comely, 
O Wench the Plot has took rarely,  2 Crafty, 
Beyond expectation!  Com. 
Come let's away, and thank Fortune for what is past, and court her for what is to come.  Exeunt. Enter Lady- wealthy as in her own House with her Woman. L. Wea. 
As sure as can be this Gaming servant of mine has been at play, that I have not seen him lately.  Woman, 
Truly Madam, for all that humour of his, I believe he loves you very well.  L. Weal. 
Hark, some body knocks at the Chamber door?  Woman goes to the door. Woman, 
'Tis Mr. Welbred, Madam.  Enter Welbred with a little Parson. Wel. 
Stay you here till I call.  L. Weal. 
O Sir, I thought you had been lost?  Wel. 
No that I am not, but I have lost, that's worse.  L. Weal. 
O— your money at play, I thought as much by my being honoured now, with your presence; why I have not seen you this seven years.  Welbred, 
I am glad you think so Widow, but I tell you 'twas not half an hour ago since you saw me.  L. Weal. 
Why, how so prithee?  Wel. 
'Twas but half an hour ago since I cleared my Pockets.  L. Weal. 
But you don't reckon, how long the time was since you had money.  Welbred, 
No Faith, nor did I ever in my life; take it upon my word, a winning Gamester can never reckon, those pleasant minutes. A Plague of all ill Luck, I lost seven to four at least, half a dozen times to night! I'll make you understand the severity of my fortune, 'tis so much a better chance than four, as I think of my conscience I could lay thee upon it, against hundred pounds in Gold.  L. Weal. 
I thank you for your Demonstration, sweet Sir, and I do verily believe were I in your power, you would lose me at play too, in one week; therefore you and I will keep at a distance.  
What your Footman's in mourning for your losses, and he's as impudent as his Master, he comes into my Chamber without knocking.  Little Parson comes in. Parson, 
Mr. Welbred will you be married to day.  L. Weal. 
What's the meaning of this?  Wel. 
He's no Footman Madam, he's a Parson.  L. Weal. 
A Parson; what makes a here?  Wel. 
Truly I brought him along with me to marry us, if you're in the same mind as I am.  L. Weal. 
Now can't I hold from laughing at thy Extravagant humour, thought I could find in my heart to have you beat down stairs!  Wel. 
Prithee Widow be not angry, by my lost Maidenhead, I love thee, a thing if I had again, I would bestow it upon thee— with a good will. I shall make an excellent Husband, very kind and very often.  L. Weal. 
Hark ye, I command ye begone, I'll never see your face again else?  Wel. 
Nay then I Obey, come Parson, you and I must defer this business till another time, and Widow give me leave to tell you, you stand in your own Light, and have lost a fair opportunity of being well married.  Wel. and Parson are going out. L. Weal. 
Stay Mr. Welbred, I'll take your council, I'll have you before you go.  Wel. 
Oh— is your stomach come down.  Parson, 
So, then I'll make ready my Book, and put on my Spectacles.  L. Weal. 
I suppose you know the Vow I have made?  Wel. 
Not I, what is't?  L. Weal. 
Why 'tis, that the Parson who marries us, shall have ten Pieces in Gold, if you love me so well, you'll not refuse to give him that.  Parson, 
A very Pious Lady.  Wel. 
Parson you lie, she's a wicked woman, she knows I have not a Groat; well Widow, if you'll disburse the money, I'll pay you again out of your first half years' Rent:  L. Weal. 
Another time, Sir, but I won't stay you now, I shall keep you so long from the groom Porters!  Wel. 
O thou gilting woman;  L. Weal. 
Like to like, quoth the Devil to the Collier.  Wel. 
Come Parson let's march, she has made a Fool of me, and I have made a Fool of thee.  L. Weal. 
Unkind Mr. Welbred, you will go then, I shall sigh This two days, ha, ha, ha,  
Hark ye, give the Porter warning when ever he comes next, not to let him till he calls you, and then do refuse to let him see me, unless he can show you an hundred pound in Gold and say, I gave you this order; I fain would break him of this— 〈◊〉, because I love him?  laughs at him as he goes out. Woman, 
It shall be done Madam.  Exeunt.   

ACT the III.  

SCENE the. I  Enter the two French Tradesmen, and the two English. Eng. Tailor, 
HEre, these things you must sell off for us to day, we will give you something out on't for your pains Friend; And watch your coming out for fear you cozen us.  He knocks at the door. Enter Frenchlove French. 
O welcome, have you brought more things out of France?  F. Taylor, 
Ouy Monsieur,  French. 
Methinks ye speak very melancholy;  F. Taylor, 
Monsieur, the English air no agree with the Frenchman.  Enter Comely. Comely, 
Mr. French, your Servant, what you are always buying the rare fashions of France:  they show him new fashions French. 
Sir, are they not very fine?  Com. 
O extreme!  French. 
Sir, 'tis impossible the hand of an English Tailor should have set on any on●… knot of the Garniture of these two suits.  Comely, 
Now will I hold my life they were mad by an English Tailor.  French. 
Well, what must you have for these clothes?  F. Tailor, 
Mounsieur, 150. Pistols for the two suits and the Feathers;  French. 
Here, I have just such a sum in my Pockets.  F. Taylor. 
Monsieur, serviteur tres humble.  goes away. French. 
Hei Lacquie, lay up these clothes.  E. Tailor, 
O you have sold our Ware it seems, come, to the next Tavern and then we'll have our Mony.  Ex. French and English. Enter Welbred and Vain. Wel. 
Mr. Frenchlove your servant, I have brought a very worthy Gentleman to kiss your hands, Mr. Vain.  they salute. French. 
Gentlemen if you please let's dine together?  Wel. 
Agreed.  Vain, 
I know a Cook's shop has the best boiled and roast Beef of any in Town.  French. 
Sir, since you are a stranger to me, I only ask you what you mean, but were you acquainted with me, I should take your greasy proporsion as an affront to my palate.  Vain, 
Sir, I only meant by the consent of this Company to dine well together.  French. 
d' ye call dining well, to eat out of a French house— an English Cook's shop is Hell.  Vain, 
Sir, I understand ye as little as you do Beef.  French. 
Why then, to interpret my meaning plainly, if ever you make me any such offer again expect to hear from me the next morning.  Vain, 
What, that you could not dine with me?  French. 
No sir, that I will fight with you.  Vain, 
I see you are excellent good Company Mr. Frenchlove by your ralling.  French. 
Per dein sir, I don't rally, neither shall you with my pallet.  Well. 
Mr. Vain, don't pursue this Discourse, you're both Gallant men, and there may be bloodshed; besider sir, this is a Gentleman that has writ an History of all the best French Cooks that ever was, and will discourse more Leardnedly upon this subject than any man in the world.  French. 
In short sir, I can only tell you that I had once a Dispute with a certain Person in this kind, who defended the English way of eating: whereupon I sent him a challenge, as any man that has been in France would have done, we fought, and I killed him, and where about d'ye guess I hit him?  Vain, 
I warrant you in the small guts.  French. 
I run him through his mistaken palate, which made me think the hand of Justice guided my sword.  Vain, 
I like not this fellow's Conversation Gentlemen, I must borrow myself from your Society, for I am to dine with a Lady in Lincoln's-Inn-fields.  aside. French. 
How's that 〈◊〉? where about'ts lives that Lady?  Vain, 
Lives, why? here— in my breast.  French. 
Why then, give me leave to tell you she has but a stinking life on't, since you are so great a Beef Eater; but to be more plain, where doth she lodge?  Vain, 
In one of the New Houses.  French. 
Diabol, I fear 'tis my Mistress, if it be, and this fellow stout, I am undone, however I'll put on a Face Sir I have a Mistress lives in the same Row, and therefore along with me and show me this House; if it proves the same, one of our shirts must be died with another colour.  aside Welbred, 
Nay Gentlemen, we'll not leave you to yourselves in these distempers, we'll wait on you; Comely, this will be a pleasant scene of mirth, thou know'st the two sisters live in this house, let's offer ourselves to be their seconds.  Comely, 
Agreed.  
Mr. Vain, be pleased to let me be your second in this business; and thus much I assure you, Frenchlove is a rank Coward.  Vain, 
I am glad to hear it. aside Sir if he fights with me, I had rather he were as stout as Hector.  
Mr. Frenchlove, let me serve you with my Sword, I'll secure you, Veins an errand Coward.  French. 
Sir, I shall be the sorrier for't if he fights with me, but I would not for a 1000 Pistols he were otherwise.  aside Well. 
Come Mr. Vain, will you go?  Vain 
I'm ready sir.  Comely, 
Mr. Welbred, you are Mr. Veins friend, and I am Mr. Frenchloves, then lead us the way and we'll follow.  Exeunt. Enter two Sisters walking, as in Lincoln's-Inn Walk. 1 Crafty, 
I wonder I have not seen my alamode Servant to day.  2 Crafty, 
Nor I, my new sprung Mushroom sweetheart.  1 Crafty, 
Sister if ever we get them for our Husbands, we'll change every half hour for diversion.  2 Crafty, 
Well, they have both very good Estates, and therefore very fine Gentlemen, take heed we don't reckon our chiken before they are hatched.  1 Crafty, 
No, no, we're reckoning our Calves when we talk of them.  2 Crafty, 
Thou art a mad wench.  1 Crafty, 
Faith not so mad as they will be if they marry us: Come let's sit under these trees, and talk of them and think of others.  They sit down. Enter the four as to the Duel.  

SCENE IU.  French. 
Now, sir, which is the house.  Vain, 
'Tis that 〈◊〉 against us.  French. 
The very house my Saint inhabits. Mr. Welbred, not that I care to know, but are you sure Vain is not stout?  Well. 
I am upon my word.  French. 
Sir, your owning the house makes my blood boil within me, therefore without farther examination pull off your Doublet, passion and love unbuttons mine and throws it off.  Vain, 
Mr. Comely, not that I'd give two pence to know, but are you sure Frenchlove is not stout?  Comely, 
'Tis, true, believe me.  Vain, 
The same causes that pulls off your Doublet, as quick shall pull off mine.  French. 
Gentlemen, what mean you by this delay in such a business, if you're at your prayers, they are too long for this occasion.  Comely and Well. whisper. Well. 
O Comely, we are ruined.  French. 
Why, what's the matter, will ye not fight?  Comely, 
Yes, but this Devil must be turned another way.  Vain, 
As how?  Well. 
We two must fight against you Gentlemen; we can clear your mistakes by our own misfortunes. They are two beautiful sisters, lives in that house, we have long been hopeless Servants too; now our despairs are more increased by being rivaled by you two: Mr. Frenchlove you being the man that enjoy the affection of my Mistress the eldest.  Comely, 
And you Mr. Vain the man that hath the heart of my Mistress the youngest: Indeed a friend of ours told us these sad truths this morning, so Mr. Vain go you to Mr. Frenchlove's side and then we are ready for you.  French. 
By your pardon Gentlemen, no man shall be my second that commends an English Cook, or that ever thought Beef good meat.  1. Crafty, 
Sure yonder are four men with their Doublets off, as if they were going to fight.  women spies 'em they come up close to them. 2 Crafty, 
'Tis, so, let's hasten to prevent them. Gentlemen, hold your hands.  1 Crafty, 
Mr. Frenchlove, Heaven defend, are my eyes fall or is it you?  2 Crafty, 
Bless me and Mr Vain, what means this dismal sight, French. Madam, there's no hurt done; but truly I think here had if Mr. Vain had loved the French way of eating.  1 Crafty, 
How so I pray sir?  French. 
Why, then he'd been my second, for I have resolved no man ever should that eats after the English way.  1 Crafty, 
A happy deliverance, but what's the quarrel?  French. 
Concerning your two fair selves, with these two Gentlemen.  1 Crafty, 
Who, Mr. Welbred, and Mr. Comely? I wonder they can be so impudent to fight for us, since we have always slighted them.  Well. 
Will you still continue your Cruelties, Ladies?  1 Crafty, 
Will we live you should ask us.  Well. 
O what a sad day is this!  2 Crafty, 
Sure Mr. Comely you have known few better as to us.  Well. 
Come let's be gone, we shall but hear our miseries repeated; we slighted Lovers are only fit companions for ourselves.  Exeunt Com. and Well. French. 
To tell you truth Madam, the occasion that brought us hither into the field, was a mistake betwixt this noble Gentleman and myself; for he was talking of going to a Lady, whom he was a Servant to, living in  
I demanded of him to show the house, which proving to be yours, and not knowing you had a sister, Jealousy then enflamed my love, immediately we drew, and to't had gone, but that the other two Gentlemen cleared the mistake.  Vain, 
Yes indeed, we were just running a tilt one at another.  1 Crafty, 
No 'twas running tilt one from another.  aside 
Thanks be to Heaven that you are both safe now, & pray Gentlemen hereafter avoid having any disputes with one another, 'twill make my sister and I unhappy, since we have both concerns.  
And truly Mr. Vain, a 〈◊〉 Mea●…s, clothes, Powders, Essences, and those kind of things cast your cap at 'em, and never argue i●… with Mr. Frenchlove; for he's an absolute Demonstrator in such cases.  Vain, 
Madam, I am perfectly Mr. Frenchlove's humble servant, but I must confess I don't love to hear boiled or roast Beef spoke against.  2 Crafty, 
I sir, but extreme well-bred persons value it, but as the flesh of a Beast.  1 Crafty, 
Sister we must stickle between these two Coxcombs, for they'll be falling out every day.  
Gentlemen be pleased to walk in, and share with us in an ill Dinner.  aside Exeunt.  

SCENE V.  Enter Welbred as going to my Lady Wealthies House. Well. 
Well I find when ever my Pockets are emptiest of money, I am fullest of love, therefore will I go make t'other visit to my widow, and see if this windy woman sits in so cold a corner as she did when I left her.  knocks at the door, Porter appears. Wel. 
Is your Lady within?  Porter, 
I am not sure sir, but I'll inform you straight, your patience a little sir.  Wel. 
This fellow knows not my humour, I am always very patient when I have no money.  Enter La. Gentlewoman. Well. 
Is your Lady within Mistress?  Gent. 
Yes sir.  Wel. 
I am glad on't—  be offers to go in Wel. Gent. 
Nay sir, whither so fa●…?  Wel. 
What a question that is? why to your Lady:  Gent. 
Why Sir, you must not see her unless you can show me a hundred pieces in Gold.  Wel. 
How's that?  Gent. 
Nay 'tis true Sir, she has given me such order.  Wel. 
Pish, pish;  Gent. 
Nay never pish, I am not in jest;  Wel. 
ay, but your Lady is I hope!  Gent. 
No but she is not.  Wel. 
Why then the Devil take her in earnest, and keep her till she's out of this humour, and so farewell to ye both.  as he is going away, L. Wea. calls him out of the window. L. Weal. 
Mr. Welbred, I hope you'll pardon me, I am at Le umbre and am a great winner, and then I never receive any visit from a losing Gamester.  Wel. 
Tyrannising Widow, I hope thou'lt lose all back again, and ten times as much more, may'st thou never draw for a black Dice, but it may prove redder than a Country wenches cheeks, mayst thou never take up a Card, but Trays and Sixes▪ mayst thou pay as often as I did t'other night, which was ten times together.  L. Weal. 
I see you love me, Sir, by wishing me equal to yourself.  Wel. 
Love thee, I wish thy body may be a widow these fourscore years, that thou mayst curse the cause that made thee lose thy maidenhead I hope the King will have a mark set upon the name of all widows for men to avoid them.  La. Weal. 
Be not so passionate dear servant, faith me thinks thou art a pretend fellow at this distance: I value thy good looks so well, 〈…〉.  Wel. 
And is the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 as come this year, unsufferable tongued female, hold thy peace and let me in, else will I 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Murder to be hanged, to make thee cry for me.  L. Weal. 
I like thy way of being revenged, therefore prithee about it 〈◊〉.  Wel. 
Well take your pleasure, farewell and be hanged as you said you would.  Exeunt.   

ACT the iu  

SCENE I.  Enter Comely in a Riding Garb, with his servant. Comely, 
LEt my Horses be brought ready to the door, for i'll go out of Town this Evening.  Exit servant Enter Welbred. Well. 
Why, how now Comely, booted and spurred?  Comely, 
Marry am I.  Wel. 
For how long?  Comely, 
Why, for this seven years for aught I know, I am weary of this Town, and all that's med; as for women I am in love with none, nor never shall, I find I have a pretty strong defence about my heart against that folly. O here comes the Ladies very opportunely for me.  Enter Lady wealthy and two other Ladies. 
To take my leave of 'em.  L. Weal. 
Mr. Comely your Servant— what in a Riding Garb?  Comely, 
A dress fitting for a Country Journey Madam.  L. Weal. 
Why, can you ever leave this Town?  Comely, 
That I can truly Madam, within this hour.  L. Weal. 
I can't believe it.  Comely, 
Were't not uncivil to get up a Horseback before you, I would convince you straight; nay, I did think I should be wondered at by you all, as much as an Owl is amongst Birds: Very like now if I were in love with any one of you three, though I were on Horseback, a kind look might dismount me again; but I thank fate I ne'er had that perpetration of the heart; yet a Disease— as malignant and as catching as the Plague; and Reigns as the Plague does altogether in London: So that for my future health I'll retire into the Country for Air, and there Hunt and Hawk, Eat and sleep so sound, that I will never dream of a woman, or any part about her— This resolution of mine has made me turn Poet, therefore before I go, you shall hear a Song called my farewell to London and women, boy sing the Song.  

The SONG.  

1.  
LAdies farewell, I must retire,  
Though I your faces all admire;  
And think you Heavens in your kinds,  
Some for Beauties, some for Minds:  
If I stay, and fall in Love,  
One of these Heavens, Hell would prove.   

2.  
Could I know one, and she not know it,  
Perhaps I then might undergo it!  
But if the least she guess my mind,  
Straight in a Circle I'm confined;  
By this I see who once doth Dote,  
Must beware a woman's Livery Coat.   

3.  
Therefore this danger to prevent,  
And still to keep my hearts content:  
Into the Country I'll with speed,  
With Hounds and Hawks my fancy feed!  
Both safer pleasures to pursue,  
Then staying to converse with you.    L. Weal. 
Now Mr. Comely, would I give the world to see you soundly in Love after this Farewell Song of yours to all Women. I have heard the healthiest persons when once they fall into a fever, are most distempered.  Comely, 
Lady, faith you'll never see me so, perhaps you may hear when I am in the Country, that I am in love with my Hounds if they run well, but as for falling in love with Woman, when ever I do 'll'le sell all my Estate, and purchase Bedlam to have it to myself, for 'twill be a house fit for no other kind of Madmen.  1 Lady, 
Come Madam, since the Gentleman's in such haste, let's leave him, he'll think we are fond of his Company, and would stay him in Town.  L. Weal. 
Mr. Comely, I wish you a good Journey.  They take leave. Com. 
Ladies, your most humble Servant.  Exeunt Ladies. Wel. 
You will go then it seems?  Com. 
Yes indeed will I, and dear Welbred, fare thee well, and since thou'rt in Love, I wish thee good luck with thy Widow.  Wel. 
I find than you han't heard of my last visit to her?  Com. 
Why what's the matter?  Wel. 
I'll tell thee, when I came to the door, I was examined by her Gentlewoman, who told me her Lady had given her order not to let me in, unless I could show an hundred pounds in Gold, I could sooner have raised the Devil, for he was in my Pocket; so that I was forced to retreat; and as I was marching off, she calls to me out of the window, and Jeers me.  Comely. 
Welbred, She shows thee this trick only because 'tis thy humour never to make her a Visit, when thou hast any money: All the Town know she loves thee, therefore prithee apply thyself close, and get her for thy Wife, she's a great Fortune for a younger Brother. One thing more I have to say to thee before I go▪ concerning the two Sisters whom we designed to get married to Mr. Frenchlove and Mr. Vain: Make Vain believe the cause of my leaving London, is his enjoying the affection of my Mrs. and use all means for the marrying the two young women, and adieu, and when thou art weary of the Town, come live with me in the Country.  Exit Welbred. he's going off in hast and meets Will▪ a Clown and Elsbeth Pretty, & 〈◊〉 Welbred, 
Farewell dear Friend?  Comely, 
Now I'll away, a country life Shall be my Mistress and my Wife.  William, 
Pray Gentleman, is not this the place where the King and the Queen do walk,  
Thou art the first man Elsbeth and I have met with since we came to this huge Town, that wear Boots like our Gentlemen in Wiltshire.  Comely, 
And did you two come to Town only to see the King and Queen?  Will. 
No, no, we come about this Maiden's Vather's Will.  Comely, 
And what's this maid's name.  Will. 
Wouse man, one would a thought thou hadst been a better Schollard then to have asked her name before mine,  Comely, 
Cry mercy friend, what's thy name.  Will. 
Friend dost call me, how canst tell I'm thy friend before thou know'st my name, I am called 〈◊〉 by all the folk that know me in Wiltshire.  Comely, 
Honest William then, what's this Damsels name?  Will. 
Why her Cursen name is Elsba, her next name to that, I wous is Pretty.  Comely, 
By all the charms of Beauty, a name as fit for her, as if Nature had Christened her, and were her Godmother as well as Mother.  aside. Elsba. 
Pray Sir, is there but one King, and but one Queen at London?  Comely, 
No pretty Mrs. Pretty.  Elsba. 
Hark William, he names my name twice in on breath.  
Why Sir, than the King goes no finer dressed then another man, nor the Queen then another woman, else William I'll swear by that thing you are to have of me when we are married, we saw 'bove forty, Kings and Queens to day.  Comely, 
Well, I'll carry William and you one day to see the King and Queen at Dinner.  Elsba. 
Thank ye Sir.  Comely, 
But are you to be married?  Wil 
Elsba and I are both forsworn else.  Comely, 
Methinks that troubles me; 'tis but a fancy sure.  aside 
When are you to be married?  Elsba. 
To morrow God send's fair weather.  Comely, 
My heart's disturbed to hear it, what can it mean, that I should find disorder in my breast because this Country wench is to be married: I needs must ask again.  aside 
To morrow is the day you have set then?  Wil 
Prithee, if thou wilt not believe, come to St. Brides and thou shalt see the Parson join our hands.  Comely, 
The very hearing of it repeated makes me feel something, I know not what, methinks more than a usual heat is now within me.  aside 
Is it not very hot to day?  Will. 
‛ Vous Elsba. And I have reason to say so, for we have walked all about London to day; we don't intend to leave one fine sight unseen: We were at a place where a huge rough thing (a shame take 'em) had like to have bit Elsba by the Leg, and then the beast had utterly spoiled her new stockings which I bought her at our last Fair.  Comely, 
Prithee let's see what colour they are off  shows her leg. William 
That thou shalt, if thy eyes don't hinder thee.  Comely, 
'Twas a beast indeed that could have bit that leg.  Elsba, 
Why— how now Will. will you offer to show my leg at London, have ye not heard there's more danger in showing a maid's leg at London then in the country?  Will. 
No indeed Elsba there is not, as long as I have thy leg in my hand.  Comely, 
Sure I would handle those legs more gently, what would I give now to be that Clown; I'll ask them where they lodge  aside 
By which means I may have opportunity to break my mind to her— And where do you two lodge whilst you are in Town, i'm resolved to come and see you.  Will. 
Where thou shalt be welcome— we lie i'th'' Strand, at a House my father uses to lie at, next door to the 〈◊〉 Hart When comes about Law Suits— Come Elsba thou and I'll go home, I begin now to be hungared.  Comely, 
Why do ye use to sup thus early?  Will. 
I warrant thee man Elsba and I go to bed before Candle tinding.  Comely, 
Sweet Mistress Pretty you'll bid me welcome too I hope.  Elsba, 
Yes indeed very kindly sir.  Comely, 
O— that she would as kindly as I could wish.  Will. 
Good Den t'y'e, come Elsba.  Elsba, 
I William.  Exeunt Clown and Elsba. Enter Servant. Servant, 
Sir 'twill be too late for your Worship to go out of Town to Night.  Comely, 
I think so too, set up my Horses, what sudden fate hath changed my mind! I feel my heart so restless now as if it ne'er knew rest, sure i'm in love; yet how I should find that who never was before, a man that's sick of a Disease he never had, knows not what 'tis till the Physician proves it, yet i'm acquainted with my new distemper, as if I had lingered in't this twelve months: how finely shall I be laughed at now if the cause of my staying in Town be once discovered, I that have taken the liberty all my life time to Jeer at people's being in love.   

SCENE II.  Enter Welbred, and with him a Scrivener going to my Lady Wealthies House. Well. 
BElieve me honest Gripe, I'd have this hundred pounds in Gold but just to show my La. Wealthies Gentlewoman.  Gripe, 
Sir, you have had so ill a run at play, and I have lent you so much already, i'm resolved not to part with af●…rthing more.  Wel. 
I tell thee Gripe I will not borrow it, I'll hold it in my hand but half a minute, and thou shalt have it again.  Gripe, 
What good can this do you?  Well. 
Good?— Why 'twill be the absolute losing of my widow if thou dost not do it, I'll only show the Gold at the door, then I'll slip it into thyhand again.  Gripe, 
Well Sir, if this be all, here is the money for you, but i'll hold you by the tip of the Coat to be secure of my money before you enter.  Welbred knocks Wel. 
Is your Lady within?  Enter Gentlewoman. Gent. 
Yes, Sir.  Wel. 
Why look ye then, I am come to see her, my Pockets are full of Gold, here's a hundred of 'em.  Gent. 
I'll call my Lady immediately.  Gripe, 
Come sir, my money now you have done showing it.  Wel. 
What won't you let me keep it in my Pockets till I come out again.  he gives the money. Exit Gripe. Gripe, 
No, no, no sir.  Enter Lady wealthy to him. L. Weal. 
Mr. Welbred, I find Miracles are not ceased altogether, by your making me a visit when your Pockets are full.  Well. 
Madam, I wonder you could ever have such thought of me.  L. Weal. 
I do ye wrong I warrant ye.  Well. 
In that behalf Madam, you wrong my heart, that loves you equally in all Conditions.  L. Weal. 
That is to say, you care not a pin for me at any time▪ Prithee, what is thy love Welbred?  Well. 
'Tis your fair self.  L. Weal. 
By my troth i'm sorry to hear it, for than I am nothing.  Well. 
Nay widow, why so 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 that values you above his life?  L. Weal. 
I believe you do at any time you have lost your money, for then you're weary of living; No, Gentleman, if a winning hand can be my Rival, a losing hand shall be yours▪  Well. 
But why so sharp widow, now I have convinced you that i'm not of this humour.  L. Weal. 
Convince me for once, sure you think I am ●…very fond loving Lady, perhaps if you keep at this rate for a whole twelve month— a year after that I may tell you my mind.  Well. 
Why won't you marry me to day?  L. Weal. 
Why should you think I'll hang myself to morrow?  Well. 
Nay prithee be more mild, faith I love thee truly and nobly, end fooling and be kind to me.  L. Weal. 
No, no, to be kind to you, is to begin fooling.  Well. 
Well I'll hold my peace, a woman sometimes loves to be Courted with the Eyes, and not with the Tongue, so that for this time I'll convey my love to thee by looks; but, hark ye, though you don't care for me, I hope you love me better than another man.  L. Weal. 
Yes, that I think I do.  Well. 
I am glad to hear it, I have not lost my widow, and yet have kept my humour.  aside Enter two Ladies. 1 Lady, 
Madam your Servant, we came to wait on you, to know if you'll take the Air.  L. Weal. 
Withal my heart, the Evening is very sweet.  1 Lady, 
Me thinks we miss Mr. Comely's Company already.  L. Weal. 
Truly at the rate men go now a-days, many of their Companies are well spared.  Well. 
That's for me again, particular concerns make women speak in General.  1 Lady, 
Bless me! I think the Devil we were talking of, is appeared.  L. Weal. 
'Tis either Comely or his Ghost.  Enter Comely. Comely, 
Nay, never start Ladies, you may approach, I am no Spirit.  L. Weal. 
Why, I thought you had been settled in the Country by this time.  Comely, 
I settled in the Country, why, who d'ye think I am? I'll lay five pounds not one of you here know me.  L. Weal. 
We have very short memories then, are you not Mr. Comely?  Comely, 
No marry am I not, I am no such body.  L. Weal. 
Why then, thou art the Devil in his likeness.  Comely, 
No, no, view me well, I have too tame a look to be the Devil, no Devil ever had such a melancholy Eye; and to show you I am neither the Devil nor Mr. Comely, I am a miserable thing, that scarce thinks the day long enoug to sigh in; I suppose none of you ever knew Mr. Comely or the Devil guilty of this.  L. Weal. 
What means this Riddle.  Comely, 
Ladies be pleased to pardon the Intrusion of this Visit, since I am a stranger to you all, and so your humble Servant.  (offers to go. L. Weal. 
Nay, pray Sir stay, we like your company well, and would fain hear some more of these Mysteries.  Comely, 
Why pray what d'ye take me for?  L. Weal. 
A man Sir.  Comely, 
You're deceived in that too, I'm none, I want the chief Intral a man should have; Ladies have you a mind to laugh for an hour?  L. Weal. 
Withal our hearts, if we had but a fitting subject.  Comely, 
Why then laugh at me.  L. Weal. 
By no means Sir, not at a stranger.  Comely, 
Come, come, you all know me well enough, and yet I tell you, I am plaguely altered since you saw me last.  L. Weal. 
Why what's the matter?  Comely, 
I am a Pox on't— I am a Plague on't— I am in Love,  L. Weal. 
In Love— what Mr. Comely, in Love?  Comely, 
Nay, nay, nay, come begin the laugh, and let it not last above three hours, that's all I ask.  (they laugh a great while. 
Well have you done?  All Ladies, 
No, not by a great deal.  they laugh on. Comely, 
I must have patience till you have.  L. Weal. 
Comely, do you remember the house you talked of purchasing if e'er you fell in love with a Woman, me thinks 'twere time now you took possession of Bedlam.  Comely, 
O that cares, taken by my short experience, I find a man is in Love and in Bedlam both at one minute.  L. Weal. 
But how had you the Confidence to come near us in that condition, you that have despised our whole Sex.  Comely, 
How unreasonable a thing is that, to ask a man why he does any thing after being in Love?  L. Weal. 
Don't you expect to be laughed at, more than another man?  Comely, 
And have not you all laughed enough yet?  L. Weal. 
Enough? why we shall laugh at thee this Twelve Months, every day, but prithee where is the face has done thee this mischief?  Comely, 
Nay, 'tis no London Female, she's a thing that never saw Cheesecake, Tart, or Syllibub, at the Lodge in Hyde-park orat the  L. Weal. 
I warrant 'tis some mimping Country Gentlewoman.  Comely, 
No, 'tis a Country Farmer's daughter.  L. Weal. 
Bless me, what an Arrow Cupid hath found out to wound thee with? Faith the blind god hath fitted thee.  Comely, 
You must know I have not been a step out of Town; for immediately after I had taken my leave of you, and was going to get on Horseback, I met with this Creature and her Sweetheart a West country Clown, I had scarce exchanged six words with her, but I found the constitution of my Eyes quite altered, which heretofore had passed swiftly over all women's Faces, as hasty shadows over Hills, but then so firmly fixed upon this Object, as if they never meant to look another way.  L. Weal. 
Is she so very Pretty?  Comely, 
Indeed she is, in spite of the strange dress she's in, which is a straw Hat, a Quaif, a red Waistcoat, and a green Petticoat not long enough by two handfuls, and yet me thought 'twas not at all two short, since 'twas the cause of showing two such pretty Feet.  L. Weal. 
Well Mr. Comely, we hope you'll show us this rare Thing, and so we'll leave you in your Transe, but you must give us leave to point at you before we go?  they point. Comely, 
As you please Ladies.  Exeunt Ladies. Wel. 
Well, little did I ever think to have seen this day with you!  Comely. 
Nay, prithee leave this wondering now, and pity me.  Wel. 
Why 'tis no matter, the more you love the more pleasure you'll have, since you need not doubt success with such a kind of woman.  Comely, 
Well, fare thee well, I must go see her. 'Tis strange that Love should be a welcome Guest, That enters uninvited to the Breast.  Ex. at several doors.  

SCENE the III.  Enter Frenchlove at one door, Vain at another. Vain, 
MOnsieur French love, well met.  French. 
I cannot say the like to you, Sir, since I'm told you have done a damned stinking English trick.  Vain. 
In what?  French. 
In finding fault with a pair of Tops I wore yesterday, and upon my Parol, I never had a pair sat better in my life, they were never so much as washed in England yet, and I'm sure any person of Breeding must say they fate so well, that my Leg looked in 'em not at all like an English Leg.  Vain. 
Sir, all that I said of your Tops, was, that they made such a rushing noise as you walked, that my Mistress could not hear one word of the Love I made to her.  French. 
Sir, I cannot help that, for I shall justify my Tops in the noise they were guilty of, since 'twas alamode of Erance, can you say 'twas an English noise.  Vain. 
I can say though your Tops were made in France, they made a noise in England.  French. 
But still Sir, 'twas a French noise?  Vain. 
But cannot a French noise hinder a man from hearing?  French. 
No certainly, that's demonstration; for look you Sir, a French noise is agreeable to the air, and therefore not unagreeable; and therefore not prejudicial to the hearing (that is to say) to a person that has seen the World; but Mr. Vain, I cannot much blame you for this Error, for to understand French things throughly require seven years being in France, no English man that does not absolutely abandon his dull English nature, can ever be a competent Judge of the sitting of Tops, or the garniture of clothes, or mounting of Feathers, and all other things of this kind, that belong to the judgement of a right French accomplished person. So Sir, for this time I shall pass over this English mistake of yours, considering withal, you are a servant to the sister of my Mistress.  Vain. 
Indeed I am a very Zealous Adorer of that Lady.  French. 
And l'me confident you're a person she values, but had it been your fortune to have fallen in Love with her sister, you must have died hopeless, for nothing ever could have gained her but a French Address; which I being Master of, made me successful in her Esteem, she has told me no English love could ever have reached her heart: at times when I have been expressing my French Passion to her, upon my Parol my clothes, Garnitures, Feathers and Tops, have sat so that you'd have thought they had been sensible of my Amour.  Vain. 
Here come the two Fair Sisters, they seem very merry.  Enter two Sisters with a Letter, laughing and reading to themselves. French. 
Ladies your humble Servant, you laugh heartily.  1 Crafty, 
ay, and so will you when you know the business:  French. 
Pray what is't.  1 Crafty, 
Here read this Letter.  2 Craft. 
And do you read this Mr. Vain.  they read. 
Madam your kindness to Mr. Frenchlove distracts me, consider how long I have been your Faithful dying Servant, therefore show me some pity for Heaven's sake.  Vain, 
My Letter's just the same.  1 Craf. 
What two Fools are these, to expect any favour from us, who have despised them this Twelve Months▪ Mr. Frenchlove, you are not jealous of your Rival I suppose?  French. 
Madam, the favours I have received from you, forbids me, besides this Letter bears no French stile of Love, and therefore i'm confident can take no impression in your beauteous thoughts.  2 Craf. 
Mr. Vain, you need not doubt me.  Vain, 
Madam the assurance I have had from you, and this Sword shall guard me from any Rival.  2 Craf. 
Are not these two pretty believing Fools sister?  aside. 1 Crafty, 
O; They are the fitter to make husbands.  Vain, 
Hark Mr. Frenchlove, though I don't doubt my mistress's Constancy, yet I am resolved to ask her to marry me with all speed, because so fair a woman as she is, will have many Suitors. When do you intent to ask your Lady the question?  French. 
At some agreeable time Sir, when the French fancy is most in her head.  1 Crafty, 
Gentlemen you must excuse us, we have some business that requires haste.  Vain, 
Shall we wait on you, Ladies?  1 Crafty, 
No Sir, your pardon at this time if you please.  French. 
Madam your most humble Servant.  Vain, 
Madam your most devoted Creature.  they are going. French. 
Look ye Mr. Vain, though my Mrs. denied me waiting of her, yet 'twas a denial with a French tone of a voice, so that it was agreeable.  Vain. 
I did not understand it so at all.  French. 
Diabol Sir, you are Englishly mistaken then, therefore draw.  French. steps back, lays his hands upon his Sword, hearing 'em speak high, the women step back again. 1 Craf. 
Bless me, what's the matter? what means this sudden heat 'twixt you two?  French. 
Madam, Mr. Vain does not understand that though you denied us waiting on you, 'twas with a French tone of a voice:  1 Craf. 
Yes Mr. Vain, 'twas indeed.  Vain, 
Say you so, too Lady?  2 Craf. 
Yes truly 'twas!  Vain. 
Nay then I'll not dispute it?  1 Crafty, 
No pray Sir, nor never do things of this kind with Mr. Frenchlove, he's so understanding in 'em; your servant gentlemen.  French. 
D'ye see Sir, how she leaves us, she walks away with a French step.  Vain, 
Nay Sir, that I cannot see.  they turn back again. French. 
Not see'●… mort deiu— then draw your Sword.  1 Craf. 
Bless me, are you quarrelling again, what's the matter?  French. 
Madam he says now, you did not walk away with a French step.  1 Craf. 
O indeed Mr. Vain I did, for Heaven's sake no more of this, 'twill keep my sister and I in perpetual fears for both our concerns.  
Gentlemen, once more your Servant. Sister were there ever two such Coxcombs, what boot betwixt your Fool and mine, but we must pray for their health now, till we are married, and have our Jointures settled; And then let the Bell toll for them both as soon as time pleases, let him make as much haste as he will.  Exeunt Women. French. 
Well Sir, I suppose these are all wilful mistakes, therefore I am not angry, but am your humble Servant, I must leave you now, for I am going to view some French things newly come over.  jack, 
The Devil Sir, why are you kept in awe by this Frenchlove? why did you not draw to justify your Opinion?  Vain, 
jack, thou talk'st like a Fool, this Frenchified fellow fences Plaguely, they'll put a Thrust in quart or in the twinkling of an eye.  jack, 
Sir, if you'll give me leave, next time he draws, I'll have one English Pass at his French body.  Enter Welbred. Welbred, 
Mr. Vain your Servant, i'm glad I have met you, will you go see a Play this afternoon?  meets Vain as he is going out. Vain, 
Troth Sir no, 'twill not be convenient for me.  Wel. 
Why Sir?  Vain, 
I shall meet so many Women there of my acquaintance, and if I speak to one more than another, there will be exceptions taken.; I was tother day at a Play and there was a Lady (who shall be nameless) sounded away upon the sudden, all the company guest it was at a Duel upon the Stage, but Sir (let it go no farther) it was at my whispering with another woman; and to tell you true, I am going to see this Lady now, for she has kept her Bed with the conceit on't ever since.  Wel. 
And will she be reconciled to you again, d'ye ye think?  Vain, 
Upon her own Peril if she 〈◊〉, i 'me too great a Libertine to be tied to one woman. I'd give this hand, I could less●… my acquaintance with 'em.  jack, 
Sir, unless you'll raise my wages ten shillings more this quarter, I will immediately discover to Mr. Welbred, this honourable Lie you have told.  Vain. 
Well Sirrah hold your peace, I will.  Wel. 
What Mr. Vain, I shall not have your company them?  Vain. 
No Sir, I crave your pardon this time, your  Exit Vain, and Jack. 
Devoted servant.  Wel. 
Farewell to thee and all thylyes, certainly this fellow has robbed the Devil of his whole Treasure; so that the Devil has not one lie left for himself. Now to my Widow if I can but find her in a good humour, I shall get her Consent this time,  
Oh here comes my Scrivener.  Enter Gripe. 
Whom I appointed to meet me here with an hundred pounds to show again at the door, else I shall not be let in, have ye brought the hundred Pieces?  Gripe, 
Yes Sir.  Wel. 
Give 'em me.  Gripe, 
You'll restore 'em unto my hand before you enter?  Wel. 
Yes, yes, as I did before.  he knocks Enter Gentlewoman. 
Is your Lady within?  Gent. 
Yes Sir.  Wel. 
Look ye i'm come again to see her with a 100 pieces in my pocket.  Gripe, 
Now Sir my money.  Well. 
Well, well, here 'tis.  Gent. 
Ha! what have I spied! he gives the Gold to that fellow? am confident 'tis some Scrivener he has hired to send him a 100 pieces only to show, and the fellow will not trust him out of his sight, but comes always with him, have I found you?  aside 
Sir I don't know certainly if my Lady be within, but I'll go see and bring you word immediately.  Porter, 
Madam 'tis so i'll assure you,  she goes in and brings out her Lady presently. L. Weal. 
Let me alone, I warrant you I'll fit him; O Mr. Welbred, now I begin to think you love me indeed, since you continue visiting me with your pockets full.  Wel. 
Alas Madam, 'twas ever a great mistake in you to believe winning or losing could either decrease or increase my love to you.  L. Weal. 
But I used never to see you when you had a winning hand.  Wel. 
You may believe now that was never the reason, younger Brothers have oftentimes troublesome business, and that might be the cause.  L. Weal. 
Well I'll believe you, go call my Cousin hither, and bring some Cards; Mr. Welbred we'll go to two piece Le umbre for an hour or two, i'm sure I please you in that motion.  aside Wel. 
Madam, you shall ever please me; but at this time I had rather she had asked me to have gone to the Devil, for I have not one farthing of money to sit down with: how to come off now I know not, I fancy I look like an  a Table and Cards are brought. 
Ass already.  Enter Couzen. L. Weal. 
Come, come Cousin you'll make one at Le umbre.  1 Lady. 
With all my heart Madam.  Well. 
O— I cannot fetch by breath for fear of my approaching shame, head help me out now, or else would thou were't off.  L. Weal. 
Come Mr. Welbred take your seat.  Wel. 
Faith Madam I have a foolish fancy now, i'm sure you'll laugh at it.  L. Weal. 
Why, what is't?  Well. 
I'm resolved not to play unless you'll lend me forty pieces of your Gold.  L. Weal. 
Fie, what a senseless conceit is this, when you have a hundred in your pockets?  Wel. 
Nay I won't touch a Card unless you do.  L. Weal. 
Nay prithee leave fooling, here the first Spade deals.  Wel. 
Nay, nay, no, no, not I, 'Slife I had almost forgot, I must run away a Gentleman stays at the Fleece Tavern to pay me a hundred pounds I won of him last night.  L. Weal. 
Hold, hold, you shan't go, I'll tell you a thing will stay you, to show you how well I love you; I have a Chaplain of my own in the house, I will marry you straight before my Cousin.  Wel. 
Troth this is nobly done, what does this woman mean?  aside 
I begin to think she suspects I have no money, but how she should come to know it I can't imagine, dear widow I'll step to my Lodging and make myself a little finer, for i'm resolved I won't be married in these clothes.  L. Weal. 
Nay, you fhaned go for that, 'tis all one as long as I like you in 'em.  Wel. 
O my heart aches damnably, I find by her willingness to marry, she has discovered me: O that I were out of the room.  L. Weal. 
Come Mr. Welbred, don't you be so liberal now, and give my Chaplain fifty pieces of Gold for marrying of us, but as I told you before ten pieces you must give him.  Enter Parson. 
Come Sir, you must join our hands, I am resolved to take this Gentleman for better for worse.  Wel. 
Now had I as lief see the Devil as that black Parson.  aside L. Weal. 
Mr. Welbred you shall give him your ten pieces before hand.  Wel. 
Faith I'll go put on other clothes first.  L. Weal. 
No, no, I'll take you in these; come why don't you produce your money?  Wel. 
I must go home and smug myself up a little, and then i'm for you widow, Heart, Body and Soul—  L. Weal. 
Gentleman, I have found you out, though you thought to have cozened me; you have not two pence in your pocket, and come to see me, a Scrivener has lent you a hundred pieces to show at the door, but would not trust you to come into the house with 'em, shall I fetch you a Glass to see how like an Ass you look; no, no Sir, the way lies there, you may go now as soon as you please, and put on other clothes, though not to marry me in.  Well. 
Provoking widow hold that biting tongue, and Parson get you up to your Closet, and pray heartily for your Lady she'll be damned else for promising a man marriage and never intent it.  L. Weal. 
Something 'twas indeed you would not play at Le umbre unless you had forty pieces of my money— O my dear cunning Servant.  Wel. 
I'll be gone, for should I stay, that very Clock of thine would make me set fire on thy house about thy ears.  L. Weal. 
O! Gentleman— you had brains enough, but you wanted wit to make this cunning Exeunt Welbred at one door, and women at another. design of yours take.    

ACT the V.  

SCENE the I.  Enter Comely. Comely, 
SUre this pretty Creature cannot love her Clown so well as me, if once I can but find a time to talk with her: I'll to her Lodging, yonder she is I think without her sweet heart too, fair one where wander ye?  Enter Elsba crying. 
What makes you weep?  Elsba, 
A lack a day Sir, I have lost William, I have not seen him this four hours, and he told me when he went out he would go but just to the Maypole in the Strand to see if it were as tall as ours upon our Green in the Country; many a dance has William led me about our Maypole, therefore I'd be loath to lose him now.  Comely, 
But what think you of losing William and finding me your sweet heart instead of him?  Elsba, 
No a vous Sir, my heart has gone pit a pat for William, and no man else this many a day.  Comely, 
Are you sure you can never love me?  Elsba, 
Not as long as my sweet William lives, and if he were dead I think I should never sing Song again Milking my Vathers Cows. Pray Sir, was never any body lost in London?  Comely, 
Yes marry, some are drowned.  Elsba, 
My William said he'd never come upon the huge Sea that runs by the King's Majesty's window.  Comely, 
How equally her Innocence and Beauty charms me  aside 
Fairest Creature!  Elsba, 
I disown the name Sir.  Comely, 
Then you wrong Nature that has made you so.  Elsba, 
Nature, whose that I pray, for I would willingly injure no body?  Comely, 
Nature thy Mother pretty one, thy partial mother, that to thy Face has given thee all her stock of Beauty.  Elsba, 
Indeed she's none of my Mother, I left her in the Country. My love is heathen Greek to this fair Innocent  aside Comely, 
Well Mistress Pretty, when William comes will you give us both a hearing, let him speak his love, and I'll speak mine, and then see which you like best.  Elsba, 
With all my heart Sir, but William will be too hard for you, he's a Parson's man at that wous, this heart can tell.  
O here he comes.  Enter William. 
O William, where have you been all this while?  Wil 
Been Elsba? where I wished thee twenty times, such a sight I think was never seen by any body but me, and such as have seen't before. O Elsba, I saw two huge rough haired things led by the Nose, with two strings, and a huge Bull like ours in the Country, with a brave Garland about his Head, and an Horse, and the least Gentleman upon him that ever I saw in my life, and brave Bagpipes play before 'em. I warrant thee I followed them close every street, till thick little Gentleman a Horseback rode into his own House, than I was fain to leave 'em.  Comely, 
'Tis Bear-baiting day, and he has met with the Bull, and the Bears, and the Jack an Apes a Horseback; 'tis a very hard case this Clown must be my Rival.  Elsba, 
William, Mr. Comely desires that he may speak his love to me, and you speak yours, to see which I like best; I think William if you could remember those things you said to me at first, before you knew I loved you.  Wil 
A wous I ha' 'em all down in a Book I warrant thee.  Pulls out's Book. Comely, 
William do you begin.  William 
Agreed Elsba, I do love thee, I find by the Comfashiousness of my heart, I could suck thy Eyes out of thy head, I could eat thy lips though I were not an hu●…gard, I could lick thee all over as our Cow does her Calf. O Elsba, my heart do Thunderclap my breast when I think o' thee, a wou's methinks sometimes though I never am angered with thee, I could tear the clothes off thy back, Smock and all, my heart does leap and caper when I do see this leg and thy Coats tucked up as thou com'st home from Milking Vathers Kine.  Elsba, 
I think Mr. Comely this very speech of Williams has spoiled you.  Comely, 
Come fair Soul.  Wil 
Nay, if thou hast a mind to speak, speak of her body.  Comely, 
If nothing I can say can warm thy cold heart with pity, I am most miserable; that I do love thee, my Eyes do speak.  Wil 
He's out at first dash Elsba, that cannot be, there's no Tongue in the eyes.  Comely, 
Oh if that beauteous frame of thine were in my Custody I'd guard it safe as Angels do the Holy, nothing should e'er approach it but my love, and that so gently too, as when I touched thee, it should be as Nurses handle Limbs of Infants; I'd never Kiss thee but with Lips perfumed with purer love, and gaze on thee with maiden eyes that ne'er knew love before, no sigh from me should e'er come near thy heart, but it shall be as chaste a present, as if an Infant's breath had sent it, I'd sit and wish away the night, because her darkness would conceal thy beauty, and thank the day for bringing light again for me to gaze on thee with wishing eyes, thou shouldst be my Saint, and I would pray to thee.  Wil 
Hark Elsba, the man's a Papist.  Elsba, 
Sir, you had best spare your pains, I told you William would give you the go by; if he had used no other talk to me then these, he'd gone without me.  Wil 
Come Elsba let 's go home, good den to ye Sir.  Exeunt Clown and Elsba. Comely, 
What is my fault that Heaven thus has punished me, to make me love a Creature wholly ignorant of a noble passion, I might as well have told my talk to a Marble Statue and have found relief as soon?  Enter Welbred. Wel. 
Why, how now Friend, why so melancholy? what for being in love with a wench you may have when you will?  Comely, 
Thou art mistaken, there's as much impossibility in that, as in Nature, her heart's so wholly in the Clown's possession, 'tis past the Art of any sweeter sound of Love to draw it thence.  Wel. 
Prithee, in what kind art thou in Love with her? for a bit and away, or how?  Comely, 
Now if there be any purer Love on earth then ever was, I have it here for her.  Wel. 
Nay then, Lord have mercy upon thee, but hark ye now, hear a little of my misery, my widow has quite discarded me, i 'me never to see her more.  Comely, 
Why, how so?  Wel. 
She had given Order to her Gentlewoman every time I came, not to let me in unless I could show a hundred pounds in Gold; wherefore when I had lost all my money, I was fain to hire a Scrivener to let me have a hundred pieces to show at her door▪ who went along with me, and before I entered I was fain to slip the money into his hands again, for he would not trust me farther, which her peeping Gentlewoman espied, and told her Lady.  Comely, 
Well I'm sorry for thy ill luck, but I have so much to do to pity myself, that I cannot think of thee; I'll go walk in some melancholy place, for when I can't see her, I would see nothing else. farewell.  Exit Comely. Wel. 
And I'll to my widow once more.  Enter Lady wealthy, spies Welbred, runs over the Stage from him. 
'Slife here she is.  L. Weal. 
The Devil, how came I to meet thee, avoid Satan, avoid.  Well. 
Stay thou cruel fleet widow, or I'll send a Bullet, after you, shall spoil your Race.  Pulls out a Pistol. L Weal. 
Murder, murder, murder.  Well. 
Stand still then and I won't kill you.  L. Weal. 
Well, what have you to say?  Well. 
Do you believe I Love you?  L. Weal. 
No indeed done't I.  Well. 
As you hope to be saved?  L. Weal. 
Hark ye, if I were given to swear as thou art when thou hast lost all thy money, I would now make use of all those Oaths to swear thou dost not care a pin for me, nor I for thee.  
Why, my poor losing Gamester, how couldst thou have the Confidence ever to look me in the face again after your last Visit.  Wel. 
Well to show you I love you of all things in the world, I'll Pistol myself straight, if you will not marry me.  L. Weal. 
Pish, I'll be hanged then.  Wel. 
Do you dare bid me kill myself three times together?  L. Weal. 
Yes, do I.  Well. 
Come begin and try.  L. Weal. 
Stay, is the Pistol charged and primd? now Welbred if you love me kill yourself.  Wel. 
Well, there's once.  L. Weal. 
Because i'd have you make haste Welbred, if you love me kill yourself.  Wel. 
There's twice, 'Slife i'm afraid she'll play the fool and bid me the third time, she has been damned quick in the two first.  aside L. Weal. 
Well now my departing Servant settle your Countenance with a dying kind of look, and then I'll pronounce thy last Sentence, i'm pleased to think how prettily thou'lt look in a winding sheet, I'll have thee decently buried, and thy Epitaph shall be  

Here lies a Gamester that will play no more,  
Guess at the reason made him give it o'er.   
Now are you ready?  L. Weal. 
Why, then present  Wel. 
Well said pretty Captain.  L. Weal. 
And now give— you long for the next word now.?  Well. 
Try.  L. Weal. 
Come you know I won't be guilty of Murder, that makes you so courageous.  she offers to run away. Well. 
Nay, stay, stay, I'll kill myself yet, if you won't promise to marry me, speak quickly?  L. Weal. 
Prithee let's throw up cross and pile then whether it shall be a match or no.  Well. 
Not I, I'll trust to no chance now.  L. Weal. 
Come, most at a throw at Dice, that you'll like i 'me sure.  L. Weal. 
No, no, absolutely promise me to marry me to morrow morning.  L. Weal. 
Well if it must be so, I will.  Well. 
Upon your Reputation?  L. Weal. 
Upon my Reputation come to my House, and we'll be married where your Friend Comely shall be my Father, and give me to thee, for i'm loath to do such a foolish thing myself.  Well. 
You shall ne'er repent this Noble Act, for what I want in Fortune, I'll make up in Love.  L. Weal. 
I ne'er considered, we'll exchange, you shall have one for tother.  Wel. 
I'll love you truly and ever.  
Adieu till to morrow.  Ex. at several doors. 
Time be my Friend, and swiftly bring that hour.   

SCENE II.  Enter Comely and Elsba Pretty. Comely, 
SWeet Mistress Pretty.  Elsba, 
'Tis the flowers in my bosom, Sir, not I  Comely, 
If you can love me, all the fine Ladies you have seen at London shall not have gayer clothes than you, you shall wear holland smocks lined with Lace of 40 s.. a yard, Gold Petticoats and Waistcoats, Diamonds in your Ears, Pearls about your neck, Bracelets of Rubies about your hands, Silk Stockings on your legs, and Gold and Silver Shoes on your feet.  Elsba, 
O woeful! William would not know me in all this bravery, but Sir if you would give me all these things and Roast-meat twice aday into the bargain, I could not have the Conscience to take my heart from William, he and I are going just now, if you'll be my Father and give me, I'll thank you?  Comely, 
I'd rather give myself to Beasts to be devoured.  aside 
Farewell hard-hearted pretty Creature, I can't but love her too for being constant to her Clown.  Exit Comely Enter William. wil 
Come Elsba, I believe the Parson stays, I have brought thy Ring, 'tis beaten Silver I'll sure thee, and because 'tis at London where things are dearer than in the Country, I do intend to give the Parson as much as our Landlord's eldest Son gave when he was married, which was three and a Groat; so that this money will adjust do it, here's two thirteen pence half penny pieces, three Groats, and a single penny.  Enter Frenchlove, 1 Crafty, Vain, and tother going to be married. French. 
Madam you'll pardon me, that I did not provide a French Parson to marry us, but upon my Parol there was not one in London.  Wil 
What, you two come hand in hand, as if you two couple were going to be married as well as Elsba and I?  French. 
Make way English Clown.  Wil 
Wous, but we won't; first come, first served, so Elsba and I will go before.  Exeunt Clown and Elsba. Exeunt Omnes.  

SCENE the III.  Enter Lady wealthy and Gentlewoman, and two other Ladies of Quality. L. Weal. 
IN short, let the best of all Varieties that can be had be got for Dinner.  Gent. 
They shall Madam.  Exit Gent. L. Weal. 
Co●…n, I believe you little thought ever to have seen me married to Mr. Welbred.  1 Lady, 
Pardon me Madam, I ever believed 'twould be a Match, i'm confident you'll be happy in him for all his youthful gaming tricks.  Enter Comely. L. Weal. 
Welcome Sir, I have chose you to be my Father, to give me to your Friend Mr. Welbred this Morning.  Comely, 
I shall willingly serve your Ladyship, and do him that Honor.  
Is he here?  L. Weal. 
No, which I wonder at, for 'tis past his hour, I have invited Mr. Frenchlove, and Mr. Vain, who are married this morning, you have promised the thing you love will be here for us to see.  Enter Welbred's Boy with a Letter. Boy, 
Madam, my Master presents his Service to you with this Letter.  she opens and reads 
Dear Widow excuse me for an hour, for I am now at play, and am a great winner, and the Persons whom I am at play with have five hundred pound more in their Pockets, therefore 'tis not prudence to give over, where so much ready money is to be won, I hope I shall make a Richer Husband to thee then I thought,  
Thine for Ever.  L. Weal. 
Was there ever the like?  she storms 1 Lady, 
What's the matter Madam, I hope Mr. Welbred's come to no mischance?  L. Weal. 
Mischance, would he had broke his neck.  1 Lady, 
Bless me, what's the matter?  L. Weal. 
There, read this Letter.  she reads 
This vile Fellow has vexed me so, I could curse him all day long, if I could invent Curses bad enough, he's laid an open shame upon me before all my Friends and Kindred; they must needs think by this, I am so fond of him, that I would have forced this Marriage on him, would he were bed rid, and bound to lie all days of his life upon a Bed stuffed with Dice instead of Feathers, and that he might dream all night long of throwing on't; i'm resolved to hire as many Link Boys as shall set him on fire with their Links, now can you blame me?  1 Lady, 
Indeed I'm very much amazed at him.  L Weal. 
Pray come all up with me to my Chamber and help me to Curse him.  Exeunt all  

SCENE IU.  Enter Welbred. Wel. 
Was there ever such luck, to be 500 l. a winner, and now have never a Groat left? and have lost my widow into bargain, so I am shut out, I find no more entrance here, than I had at a Back-gammon all this night, I'll call at the window.  knocks 3, or 4, times. 
Why, Widow, widow.  L. Weal. 
What rude voice is that?  Wel. 
'Tis thy Servant Welbred come to be married according to thy promise.  L. Weal. 
Away screech Owl, away, how canst thou show thy face again after all thy Villainy?  Well. 
Show my face, what the think I'll be married blindfold?  L. Weal. 
Married, thou shalt be hanged as soon, my kitchen wench shan't have thee.  Well. 
No faith, I believe thou canst not spare me pretty Rogue.  L. Weal. 
Oh Impudent fellow hold thy prating, for I'll ne'er see thy face more.  Well. 
Then thy house shall be shut up, as if the Plague were in't, for I'll besiege it this week, and if e'er it opens I'll come in.  Comely, 
Madam, be not so angry, shall I desire one thing of you? I know him to be a Person of Great Worth, and one that loves you, and this is only a fault and miscarriage of his youth, pray follow me down, and stand behind the door, you shall trust your own eyes and ears, and not believe me, because you think I am his partial Friend.  L. Weal. 
Sir, I will, but can't conceive to what end this is.  both come down & Come lie enters to Welbred. Comely, 
Come away with me, stay here no longer, you have quite lost the widow, she calls you all the Rogues and Rascals and Cowards in the world, and says the meanest slightest things of you, that she'll have you beaten by Porters; therefore e'en come along with me, 'tis but time lost to stay, never think of recovering of her.  Well. 
No, no, I'll stay here till I starve before I'll stir, I know I have committed a great fault, and if she does hate me I deserve it justly; but as I did ever love her truly, so I do now, and so I will do whilst I have breath, though she slight me never so much.  Comely, 
Fie Welbred, this Resolution is folly now, since i'm sure thou art the only thing of mankind, she hates most, and as ' have been thy Friend ever, so will I show it now when thou hast most need of me.  Well. 
In what?  Comely, 
I have a Cousin that has twenty thousand pounds to her portion, and she's wholly at my disposal, she's handsome into bargain, her shalt thou have for thy wife; therefore come along with me, and never stand here for an impossibility.  Well. 
Noble Friend I thank ye, but could I have a more beauteous woman that Nature ever yet made, and had she the Indies to her portion, she should not be my wife; nothing but my widow now or a Grave i'm resolved.  Pulls Lady Wealthy from behind the door. Comely, 
Nay widow, come out and take him for ever and a day, if he spoke all his life time he could say no more; come come take him by the hand, Thou hast him by the heart already.  Comely joins their hands. Well. 
My dear widow— and shall we bring both ends together at last.  L. Weal. 
It seems Fortune will have it so.  
We Madam I need not tell you now I Love you, you heard me say so when I thought you did not.  Enter French love and Vain both married to the two Crafties. L. weal. 
Well I believe you.  
Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen, God give you all Joy.  Enter Page. Page, 
Mr. Comely, here's a Country wench and a Clown at the door would speak with you.  Comely 
Madam, will you suffer 'em to come in, and you shall see the thing I fell in Love with, and the kind of Beast that is my Rival.  Enter Clown and Elsba. Elsba, 
Mr. Comely, William and I are both bold to take leave of you, we are going home, the Wagon stays for us.  L. Weal. 
Well Sir, I'll leave laughing at you, and say I cannot blame you for being smitten with that face 'tis so very pretty, I warrant she can Dance well, she treads so nimbly with her feet,— ask her.  Comely, 
Can you Dance?  Elsba, 
Yes Sir, our Town Jig.  she Dances French. 
Fie, fie, this is English, Madam pray do you Dance a little, and show the difference of the French Movement. Diabol, you Dance like an Englishwoman too.  She Dances like an English woman too. 1 Crafty, 
Sir, you may see how well I Love you, since only to gain you for my Husband, I have hitherto affected the Garb and Fashion of Frenchwomen, though contrary to my Nature. But now I am your perfect English Loving wife.  Enter English and French Tailors. French. 
How am I cozened?  E. Tailor, 
Sir, one word with you— you owe me 500 l. for Ware which you thought had been French, because 'twas sold to you by the hand of this French Tailor; therefore pay me or I'll tell it before all this Company.  French. 
Peace, peace, come for your money to morrow morning to my Chamber Diabol, sure this damned England has infected my eyes.  Vain takes French aside. Vain, 
Hark ye Mr. Frenchlove, I believe you and I are whisked with a couple of Wives, for Mr. Welbred, and Mr. Comely pretended to be in love with them, and the Devil a bit there's any such thing; besides, i'm told they have been both Mistresses to Mr. Comely, and Mr. Welbred, and that they are of very mean Quality.  French. 
Pray Sir, no more of these English Informations, they are not agreeable to my ear.  Comely, 
Mrs. Pretty, though you can't love me, I'll give a hundred pound a year for your Life.  Elsba, 
I thank you Sir, and I'll assure you I'll love you best next to William as long as I live.  Comely, 
Madam farewell, Heavens send you many a happy day with my Friend Welbred, i'm glad I was the Author of Reconciling you to him.  L. Weal. 
Sir, I cannot give you many thanks now, but hereafter if Experience tells me my Husband be worth it, I'll be out of your Debt.  Wel. 
Dear widow, doubt it not, I'll throw away my Life when ever it appears a thing unsensible to you; and to show you I'll a void those things that have made me so often hazard the loss of that kindness, I'll never touch Card or Dice again.  French. 
De hear Lady, I'll carry you into France next week, I see you'll make a direct English Wife else.  jack, 
Hark ye Master, take my advice, and return with your Bride: For by what I hear, you are wived to the purpose.  Vain, 
You say well Jack.  Comely, 
Now will I go Travel, and try if the Air of another Country can Cure me of the Disease I have caught in my own: Hereafter if any man shall tell me he can never be in Love, I'll not believe him  
For by myself I find,  
whilst there's a Woman no man knows his mind.  
FINIS.