A HUE-and-CRY AFTER Beauty and virtue.  
There being lately lost, whilst the Devil was removing Householdstuff at St. James's, a certain She-Animal of prodigious Quality, and unknown virtues; 'tis thought fit to give the World the Description and Earmarks of the Beast; That if any Fop, Bully, or doughty Squire, in Town or country, happen to stumble on such a Bargain, he may be furnished with a particular Inventory of his purchase. It should have been an Advertisement in the Gazett; but that has already been overcharged with Notice of strayed Bitches, and so damnably given to Lying of late, that few people regard it.  
IMprimis, As to her descent, some heralds derive her Pedigree, like that of Scotch-Barnacles, and say she dropped from some teeming Gallows, or sprung up like Mandrakes from the sperm of a Gibbetted Ragamuffin; others aver, that she was begot by a Glister-pipe, because she calls Sir Saundy the Muckle, her Sire; A foolish Quack, that by the Recommendation of his Countryman, the mighty Logger-sconse is become a Knight of the Order of the Sooth-saying pisspot; nor is it any wonder, that an Epidemical Plague should raise a Doctor to preferment: This whiffling Scabbado has long been famous at Court for much practise, and no success, save in Curing young Ladies of Tympanies with Savin-Possets, and assisting old ones with well-tryed Dildo's. The subtlest Act he ever did, was the begetting of this Madam Pandora, thereby laying an Infallible Plot for future business; for wherever she comes, Diseases as naturally follow her, as Debauchery does the Court; and she alone is able to make work enough for a whole college of Physitians. She takes upon her the venerable name of a Widow, but was never Married; For sure the Church that prohibits unequal yoking, could not be guilty of Linking any Christian with such a Succuba; yet to prove her Matrimony, the Hag Conjures for the Ghost of a Bishop departed, and would scandalise the good Man as Pimp-Canonical to her lechery. Her Husband, she pretends, dyed at Sea; and indeed 'tis no wonder, that he should be Cast away, that would venture himself in such a filthy Leaky Bottom; For all those must needs be shipwrecked, that once cast Anchor in her Embraces.  
She is old and ugly, and has nothing of Woman left, but Lust and Tongue, and the latter brings in Contribution for the former. She has quiter ruined the daubers, and the Bawdy Occupation, pretending a Patent to monopolise both those Mysteries. Her Chamber is the Common Stews of the Town; the long Cellar at Amsterdam is not more frequented; and she has an Allowance of five or six Dishes of Meat for Suppers, to bring the young ones together. There is she the Mother of the Maids, Riding Admiraless of a Squadron of Privateers, and holding forth in that Conventicle of the Family of Love: Marriages are there promoted, that were never made in Heaven; nor does Doctors-Commons in a Twelvemonth determine half so many smutty Controversies, as are here dispatched in an Evening: All the Amorous Intrigues are gravely dismissed in this Divan; and the punctual Sums assigned for Keepers, of all Qualities, to allow their Misses; 'Tis the Supreme Council( next to that of W— H—) for regulating venerean Affairs; and there is not an Harlot of Quality that walks the Park, but thence takes her measures, both for Price, and choice of her Cully.  
To give a more particular Character of her person, we may call her, The Epitome of ugliness, an Original drawn by natures Pencil, whereof Granny Shipton, Mother Louse, and Gammar Damnable, were but imperfect Copies. Her plastered Face drops against ill-weather; and when she laughs, it looks like a ruffled Boot, or an oiled paper-Lanthorn, whilst her sizeless snout shows like the Candle in the middle of it; she is Pig-ey'd, Beetle-brow'd, Horse-teeth'd, Woodcock-nos'd, as crooked in body as in mind; A Skin of a Pease-porridg-tawny, or somewhat inclining to the Orient Complexion of Rusty Bacon; A Neck beset with natural Rubies and Carbuncles, yet always bare almost down to the Centre, and two or three huge black patches to cover the Pimpgennets, and turn Scabs into Beauty-spots, As for her other infernal parts, the Devil deals there altogether; they lie under the Torrid Zone, and are utterly uninhabitable, only some bold Travellers that have ventured that way, represent them much like the deserts of Arabia, horridly Wide and Barren, not so much as a Bush to be met with, nor any thing but venomous gulfs, like the Asphaltick-Lake, or Concaves of Mount Strombulo, belching out continually unctuous Flames, enough to destroy all that approach them. Indeed her Breath would rout an Army sooner than that of a Cannon, and lay a Devil better than all Trithemius's Charms; It blusters in her Nostrils like the wind in a foul Chimney; and by its violence has not only dissipated her Brains, but blown off all the Thatch of her Pericranium, which she now supplies with Goatish Towers, and Artificial Borders; with one word she is able to Blast a Rose at Threescore yards distance, and her very Soul( if she have one, which sure was given only to Damn her Body more completely) seems composed of Assa-Faetida and Brimstone.  
Witches of old were wont to piss in an hole in the Earth, and by paddling in it, raised Storms and Tempests; but this Weyward Sister resolving upon some greater Exploit, hath( as 'tis said) lately sent into Scotland for a Silver Chamber-pot; and if ever it should Arrive, may, 'tis feared, do more mischief than all the poisoners at Paris; To prevent which, if any person can make a Discovery, and bring her to her old rendezvous at the Popes palace before-mentioned, he shall have a Thousand pounds Scotch for his pains, and also be Cured of an old Pox, or young gonorrhoea( which he pleases) by her Worshipful Daddy, Gratis.  
FINIS.