An humble Remonstrance of the BACHELORS, in and abeut LONDON, to the Honourable House, in Answer to a late Paper, Entitled A Petition of the LADIES for HUSBANDS.  
Gentlemen,  
YOu are the Sanctuary of the oppressed? and 'tis natural for the Subject when ever he finds himself unjustly treated, to fly to his representatives for a redress. You that have so effectually mortifiad Arbitrary Power even in a great Monarch, will certainly never cherish it in a lower station: and this inclines us to hope that the Lady's w●ll not find that Encouragement at your hands which their vanity prompted them to expect; though their Petition to you speaks in a very submissive Style; yet for all that they can assume a different sort of language in other places, There they not only dispute the Superiority with the Men, but even pretend to the Right of Conquest over them fortheir Grand mother Eve, they say, triumphed over the wickedness of our great Grand father Adam in Paradise; And no doubt on't had insisted upon that Article before you, but that your House last week so punished the unpallarable Doctrine of Conquest, to disarm them of this illegal pretence, which is prejudicial to the Liberty and Privilege of our Sex, we have examined all the old Records, but cannot find the least appearance to colour such a Plea. At present we shall dismiss this point to descend into the particulars of their Petition, and leave it to you at last to decide the Controversy now depending between us.  
They complain that the Holy State of Matrimony, has of late years been very irreverently spoken of, that it has been rhymed to death in Sonnet, and murdered in Effigy upon the Stage. Now we would not be guilty of that ill breeding, to say that the Ladies all along found the Matter, and the Satyrest only found though Words. However we are assured from all hands, that those persons who have taken the greatest pains to expose that Holy State, were all of 'em married (to prove which we could name a famous Abdieating Poet, if we were minded) and we hope the Ladies don't expect we should either defend or condemn them till we are married ourselves, and consequently in a capacity to judge on which side the Truth lies. At present we know no more of Matrimony, than a mere Land-man knows of the Sea, every Gazette tells him of abundance of Wrecks; but for all that he'ls venture to Sea in hopes of making 50 Per Cent, by exchanging of his Commodities.  
But to make amends for this melancholy Scene, they very devoutly thank Heaven in the next place, that their Sex found the benefit of the Clergy, when the Laity had a manner abandoned them. Pray, Gentlemen, observe what returns of gratitude the Ladies have made their best and surest Cards the Churchmen for this their loving Kindness. One would have thought they might at least have allowed their Friends the first Choice of the Vintage; 'tis no more than whit the French do to the Scots Merchants at Bourdeaux, out of respect to their old Alliance; but we find no such thing. Old super-annuated Housekeepers, with a Maidenhead defunct, and Farmer's Daughters, are the best presents they give the poor Church; so that on this Account serve the Christian Parsons, as their Predecessors, the pagan Priests, did their Deities, who used to compliment Jupiter with the Guts and Garbage, and reserved the remainder of the Bullock for themselves. After all, whether this happens by their own Fault, or no, the Levites are made but a civiler sort of Scavengers to carry off the Dust and Rubbish of the Sex, so that the Ladies may spare their thanks to them if they please; for 'tis we of the Laity only that are in heir debt for this great Civility,  
After this, Gentlemen, the Ladies are pleased to avouch, that if it had not been for a certain damned Liquor call Wine, the Men by the mere Impulse of nature had been long since reduced to their Duty. Here by the word Duty, they plainly insinuate a Conquest; and therefore we humbly beg that their petition may be sent to the Palace-Yard, and there served secundum usum sarum. In the mean time, 'tis a mystery to us what makes the Ladies rend their spleen so furiously upon our Wine, which by the buy never meant the least harm in its Life to the God of love's Subjects, unless they intent to monopolise all the drinking to themselves; or else since their Sex has been so familiar with Brandy, blasphemed by the name of cold Tea, a Jury of red nosed Midwives have pronounced Wine to be a feeble, impotent Creature in comparison of that. They wonder why the Men should scruple to marry out of fear of Cockoldom, and yet not scruple to drink stummed Wine for fear of a Fever. To which we Reply that the Case is extremely different. Not one Man in an hundred gets a Fever by drinking; at the same time, scarce one in an hundred that is married escapes Cuckoldom. And Gentlemen, is not that great Odds?  
They would have you pass it into a Law, that every Man should be obliged to marry immediately after twenty one; and in case he refuses so to do, to pay a good round sum yearly for his Liberty: though we are all of us agreed that One and Twenty is somewhat of the soon to begin at. For why should a man be forbidden to travel upon the Road, unless he sets out exactly at sumising; yet out of Complaisance to the Ladies, we are willing to let it pass, though we are certain that half the Racers will be foundered before Thirty, provided always (and to be sure, they will never mistake the word, either in an Act of Parliament, or out of an Act of Parliament) that all Virgins or reputed Virgins, who are passed the Age of One and Twenty, and have wherewithal to set up some honest, well-chined younger Brother, but tarry in expectation of a striking a Country-Squyer or Alderman's Son, shall be likewise amerced the same Sum for their Maidenheads. The Ladies perhaps will here object that 'tis hard to be taxed for an invisible Estate? but we say, No. We can name them a hundred Tradesmen here in the City, that since the Revolution have paid for what they never had; those for instance that have been rated at 400 l. when they were not really worth one; and yet so valuable a thing is Reputation, whether we deserve it or no, lost nothing by the Bargain.  
They would have none excused from Marriage, but only the impotent and frigid (which by the buy, Gentlemen is fully as severe as if you should vote that all must troop to the Wars but the Parsons) and desire you to erect a Court in every County, consisting of half a score experienced Matrons, who shall have full Authority to examine all persons whom they suspect to carry clipped Monay about them, for fear they should put upon their Spouses, when it is not in their power to change it. Pray not altogether so hasty, fair Ladies. Let your Court have some Men in it, and not all Women: Then we may expect to have Justice done to us; for experienced Matrons are too much a party concerned to be trusted by themselves. We demand whether it be convenient that only Vintners, and Ale-drapers' should have the sole Right of determining Measures. Vintner's never think the Measures small enough; but it may so happen that your experienced Matrons, Anglice, your Midwives, may be of a different Opinion, and so think no Measure enough. Gentlemen, do but remember the Tryers under the late Reign of Fanaticism; they were a parcel of inquisitor Divines set up by the than no Government, to licence all such persons that were to be dispatched into the Vineyard. Now these conscientious Judges, if they had a Quarrel to a Man, certainly rejected him, and put him by, though perhaps he was Master of a more unexceptionable Talon than several others that had passed the Pulpit Master before them. This needs no Application.  
They complain of the excessive multitude of Misses and Harlots in and about the Town, who, as they express it, divert the Course of those Streams that would otherwise run in the regular Channel of Matrimony. 'Tis a sad Truth, we confess it, the number of these Interlopers is very grievous; and yet 'tis a sad Truth that the Petitioning Ladies have occasioned it. Let them but leave quarrelling about Jointures, and carry a little more Christian Complaisance about them, and the other Fry would disappear in a moment: For Whores in a State are like Copper farthings in the way of Trade, only used for the Convenience of readier Change, but though these obdurate Females are really accessary to the grea●iner ease of Misses, they would have every parson of Quality who keeps one in his own Defence, pay a good swinging Fine to the Government. Is this reasonable or fair? Would Governor Walker, do ye think, have done like a Gentleman if he had fined his Heroes of London-Darry for feeding on Horseflesh, contrary to the Statute, when they had nothing else to help themselves with. 'Tis the same in all Cases where there is no choice, but down right necessity.  
They would have you enact, since they find Wine is so potent a Rival, that none but married Men shall have the Privilege of entering into a Tavern, that is modestly speaking of being drunk. With all our Hearts, Gentlemen, provided always that none but married Women shall be licenced to appear at the Theatre, Chocolet-house, Whitehall or the Park; or if they do, that any vigorous Cavalier shall have Liberty to carry them off, without incurring the Fate of poor Sir John Johnston.  
To present you at one view with the Merits of the Cause. The Ladies are weary of lying alone, and so are we: They would fain be advantageously married, and so would your humble Servants. The Quarrel therefore on their side is unjustly begun. They look upon us to be their Adversaries, whereas we have the same kind inclinations to their Sex, as any of our Forefathers, the same Desires, the same Wishes, by the same Token we hearty believe they had equal Beauty, and equal, if not superior, Charms to any of their Sex before them. But as in a long Tract of Time, Innovations cannot fail to start up; so the Ladies either presuming on their own Strength, or in the Inadvertancy of the Men, have trumped up several new Doctrines upon us. A Courtship, as the Ladies are pleased to order it, is now the greatest Penance any Man in the World can undergo. We must swear as many Oaths as would serve one of his Majesty's highest Garrisons for a twelvemonth, till we are believed. We must treat them like Goddesses, lie prostrate at their Feet, make presents so expensive and numerous, that perhaps wive's Portion will scarce make amends for what the Mistress extorted from us. Because Jacob could serve two Apprenticeships for his Rachel, they imagine that we must do the same; not considering that the Race of the Methuselahs and Patriarches is quite extinct, and that this old Testament-Lover, were he in our Circumstances, who begin to decay at thirty, would have taken wiser and better Measures.  
Gentlemen,  
These are our Sentiments upon this Subject: And as we don't doubt the Justice of this Honourable House, so we little question but that our Cause will prevail; In a word, Let Law be encouraged, and Cruelty and Coyness be punished.  
And your Petitioners as in Duty bound shall ever Pray.   

LONDON, Printed for, and sold by the Book selling Bachelors in St Paul's Churchyard, 1693.