In Vino Veritas: OR, A CONFERENCE BETWIXT Chip the Cooper, AND Dash the Drawer,( Being both Boozy) Discovering some Secrets in the Wine-brewing Trade.  
Useful for all sorts of People to save their Money, and preserve their Health.  
LONDON, Printed for J. nut. near Stationers-Hall, 1698.   

In Vino Veritas: OR, A CONFERENCE, &c.  Chip. 
WELL met, my Dear Brother of the Spiggot, how goes the Wine-Trade?  Dash. 
Why, faith but very indifferently!  Chip. 
How so?  Dash. 
To be frank with you my Friend, The Times are dull, the Town is empty, the Folks coal is low, the late damned long knocking War has drained us, the Trade with France unsettled, the price of good Wines excessive, and which adds a huge weight to their Misfortunes, this very Vintage( as well as the late for several years together) has miscarried.  Chip. 
This is doleful news, dear Das●  Dash. 
Ah so it is, it makes our brethren very melancholy, when they reflect on't.  Chip. 
Puh! tho matters at present have a malignant Aspect, they may mend, Boy, especially being, as you seem to intimate, at the worst; but pray Mr Diogenes( for tho you don't live in, yet you live at the Tub) expatiate a little, and explain yourself a little also.  Dash. 
I vow to Jove, I think Dame Nature is disjointed, unhinged, untwisted, or inverted; for not only old England has failed in her Trumpery of Fruit, but the Noble Continents of France, Portugal, Spain and Italy,( those rich Soils and warm climbs, productive of that blessed juice of the Grape) have mist also.  Chip. 
Pray how comes all this to pass?  Dash. 
I am no Astronomer nor Asstrologer, I understand neither the Motions nor Language of the Stars; nor do I think with the Famous Flam— of Greenwich, that the Crust so lately discovered about the Sun( by his penetrating eyes, and no bodies else) has been the Cause of these late could, Moist, and( in a word) Unseasonable Summers, no more than of the Vast Snows some Travellers tell us have( not long since) fallen in Africa!  Chip. 
Well! pray proceed; I did well to dub you a Philosopher, for I find you are so really, tho you slily pretend the contrary; sure I am the Philosophy of the Bottle is the pleasantest, tho not the deepest in the World. However, tho the Cause of these Uncouth Seasons; these Winters for Summers, Autumns for Springs, may to us( sorry Scoundrels) be unintelligible, yet certain it is, no effect( here below) tho never so minute, but has its proper and natural cause.  Dash. 
You are most infallibly in the Right, but the greatest difficulty lies in discoveng the true and genuine cause, which being far above my reach, I shall leave to the more curious and learned to inform the World; but this is true in Fact, and observed by every common Eye, and is in every bodies mouth, that the Seasons are not so kindly and natural as they have been in times past, and that within these few years.  Chip. 
What you assert is true is beyond all denial.  Dash. 
Ay it is, to our grief! and all the Remedy we poor miserable Mortals have, is to wait with patience the return of the year, when perhaps the Solar-Crust may be worn off, and Phebus recover his wonted warmth, and once more generously gratify the World with his Glorious beams, and benign influences.  Chip. 
The Succeeding Summers may prove hotter, and so make us some kind of amends. But, to comfort thy drooping Spirits dear Dab, I can tell thee, the Merchants in Town, say that some particular Vineyards( in the Kingdoms and Countries lately mentioned) have hit pretty well.  Dash. 
So then we shall have good Bubb, tho it may perhaps be a little the dearer to us, for we can never pretend to advance the public prizes in our Houses any higher, at this time of day, our Customers think eighteen pence dear enough.  Chip. 
But then good Mr. Rumhopper, we can bring the Wine down to such a price as we can afford it for, and live, nay, and get good pretty Estates, as you know several of our Tribe have, for to our glory be it spoken! one of our Fraternity was called upon to be one of the She-ffs of London this very year, which looks well still.  Dash. 
Ay Boy so it does, we have several fat fellows, who tho they wear blue Aprons, can number their pence to the tune of ten thousand Pounds. And all this got by the Sins of the People. But to the Text, how the Devil can you reduce the Wine to the present price? Or as you said just now to any price.  Chip. 
Oh well enough I warrant you, tho you are a Novice at the Sport, I and the rest of the Gimbleteers know how to conjure in dark Vaults, and to jumble the tipple together, dash it damnably, and yet make it pallatable, and pass for as good Wine as any in Town. The late plaguy War made us bestir our stumps, and bethink ourselves how to brew more, and more dexterously than ever; for you may remember all Trade with France was prohibited, so that all the lean hungry thin Wines we used to fetch from thence, and mend with Ports, were entirely kept from us; besides you can't forget a Law, to oblige the Vintners to sell the Noble Juice for six pence, which stood them in seven or eight pence the Quart, and carried it so far, that they were upon a Penalty forced to draw all in full Pewter measure, which fell in heavily upon them, who had been used to draw in pint and quarter, or at most) half bottles. Nay, it startled 'em for a time, but they soon recovered their small senses, and evaded the Act, baffled the Informers, and by the help of their Coopers brewed but so much the more. For alas! their Wear and Tear is great, the Rents of their Houses high, charge of House-keeping heavy, and other burdens very grievous to be born.  Dash. 
Thou sayest well Chip, I find thou art an understanding Fellow at business.  Chip. 
Else what should I be good for, for I am hardly fit for any thing else, but even just what I was dragged up to, no more than you.  Dash. 
Well, go on, and prithee unbosom thyself, we may be free one with another, we both piss in a quill, or at least draw out of the same hole; communicate cheerfully, for the Fops our Customers that drink the Taplash shall never know a Syllable on't. Your interests and mine are the same, so you may be sure, not a tittle shall come out of me, tho I were to be racked( not as we do our Wine, but in a torturing engine.)  Chip. 
I will venture then, relying upon your Integrity, tho these are Secrets that are in a manner to be sacred, and preserved very warily from public Knowledge, because it would prove very detrimental to all our Brethren of the brewing Trade; so 'tis but common prudence we be tenacious in the matter.  Dash. 
Alas! the Fuddle-caps shall never know a jot of this matter, but good Lad open your Cabinet, for my ears itch to hear that out; come on, pray now be candid and hearty, and that you may deliver it with most fluent utterance, here's a bumper to thee, of a Pint of the best read in the Kingdom.  Chip. 
Well, now I have pledged thee, and feel the generous heat extend itself o'er all my body, the blood of my veins begins to circulate swiftly, nay my very tongue seems as if 'twere oiled, 'tis as limber and pliable as you would wish it.  Dash. 
Have at it old boy, away with it then.  Chip. 
I will; first then you are to know, my meaning by bringing, down Wines to a common or current price of twelve pence( as formerly) or eighteen pence( as now) per quart, tho the Vintners lay them in dear, as they have done for some of the years during the late War, and as they will be forced now, and for some time to come, at least till the Seasons mend and return to their true temper is effected several ways.  Dash. 
As how?  Chip. 
There is a liquour nick-named frieze; which is nothing else in down right earnest but a hungry, thin, sorry sort of cider, which does us a great kindness in lowering our Wines, that is in helping us to afford to sell at eighteen pence the quart, and get handsomely( for let matters go how they will, we must have a swinging profit) we whip abundance of this frieze into our Tipple, and it goes off as currently as can be, nay, as tho it were every drop Wine.  Dash. 
Ay so it does, tho faith you tell me a secret, for our Masters keep us in ignorance as much as they can, for fear of babbling when we are drunk; but this I know, which confirms what you say; that the Cyder-men have had a glorious time on't for some years past, there are several of them grown damnably rich of late, who were but poor scroby fellows a while ago.  Chip. 
You say true, nay and the Town takes notice of it.  Dash. 
I observe indeed we have sometimes Rundlets, Hogsheads, and Pipes brought very privately in the night time, and laid down in our Cellar, but whence they come we know not, for the Secret is kept as close as may be, only we see the Cyder-man come to our House and receive his Money, when he tips us a Decus or at least a George; but how our Master and yours manage matters afterwards, that is, how they be devil it, and brew it, I know not, we are kept in the dark as to that, only as we flutter up and down, while we are fetching Wine for the several Companies in our House, we see plainly that there is some conjuration in hand.  Chip. 
'Tis really so upon my honest word and credit: Now we who are the Agents have nothing of the mystery concealed from us; besides pray where's the harm of mixing cider and Wine together, 'tis neither unwholesome, nor untoothsom, for the frieze lies a great while a softening and mellowing upon Wine-lees on purpose, and when it is very fine, in it goes.  Dash. 
But if Gentlemen knew it, they'll be very unwilling to pay for Wine, and have cider topped upon them in the room of it, besides in reality it can neither be so wholesome nor toothsome, for 'tis flatulent, mixes ill with, and makes but bad blood,( whence proceed near all Diseases, and we never care to drink any of it ourselves.  Chip. 
No nor we neither, for we know better things.  Dash. 
However we swear and protest to all those that use our Houses, that there's nothing but Wine and Wine, read Florence and read Port, and sometimes ( especially to those that are fond of that Country Wine) a Dash of French, which we do now for the most part put in, to prepare their palates, against an open Trade with France, tho that Kingdom will never recover the great Commerce they once had for many years together with us, nor will their Wines be drank in England so generally as they were, the Ports will carry the day, they have body, that is strength, and that now a days pleases, for our People love to have their Heads and Stomachs hot, as soon and as cheap as they can.  Chip. 
Besides, I have heard some very great and curious Naturalists affirm, that the Gentlemen of Herefordshire, by frequent drinking of cider,( tho the best the Country produces, and which should one would think agree well with them being the product of their Native Country) are exceedingly afflicted with the Gout in particular.  Dash. 
If these Sparks, who as you say drink the best of the kind are plagued with that damned painful disease, what will become of those that swallow down so much of our delicate frieze, which you hinted just now, is the poorest hungriest sorriest sort of all.  Chip. 
Why faith they'll be smoked off with the Chiragra Podagra, and the rest of the Species, till it fly to the Stomach, and then it is mortal beyond all help; away they must pike then to the Devil and his Dominions, but Mum for that, not a word more of cider, least it should spoil our trade; it must not get into the public mouth; now but a few know it, and they don't mind it much, but as it comes in at one ear it goes out at t'other, tho if ever it should slip into Print, it would expose your Knavery beyond retrieve; nor could the Matchless Impudence of the Vintners, or their true Copies the Drawers, be able to outface it, tho they'll both lie and swear tightly theres no such thing done or practised by them, or any of the Fraternity they know of; at least, if it be, 'tis only among the Hedge-Taverns, Bawdy House Taverns, Spring-Gardens, and such paltry places.  Dash. 
I must confess a Brazen Face is so essentially necessary to our Profession, that 'tis a proper ingredient in our Composition, and often helps us out at a dead lift; when we are a plunge, it does us signal service, but what can Oaths, Cruses, Imprecations, or the most frontless Impudence say against Fact, for several Gentlemen and others have caught our Masters in the very Cyder-mens Vaults, tho they slid away, and would not have been seen if they could have helped it; but folks will take notice and talk, nay, I have, been pumped about that matter, tho I stood buff, and denied that we ever mixed frieze with any of our Wine, being indeed, as I said before, unacquainted with that mystery of Iniquity, nay, or the very nick-name it goes by; and further, I have had it buzzed in my Ears that not only the Scoundrel-Houses, but all the Top Taverns in Town use abundance of that rascallystuff.  Chip. 
Nothing more sure; for we Squires of the Tap are privy to all those matters, and tho we have an interest in it, yet by Cingo 'tis a shane that the World should be so abused and imposed upon, their pockets picked,( that is cheated of their Money which is the same thing) their health impaired, diseases entayl'd upon them, and Death itself as it were brought upon them before their time. In a word, we are become the most exquisite Brewers in the World( a pox of our skill that brings so much damage to the public, say those that know our tricks) the Spaniards are fools to us, and so are the Fr— ch too, tho their Vintners are complained of, for mingling drugs with their Wine, that are prejudicial to the health of the Drinkers, for which they ought to be punished, as the Author of Colbert's life has it, page. 129. l. 2. I say, we have outstripped all, nay, and the very D— ch at Dort, tho they are clever fellows at it, and fell that for Rhenish-Wine, which as not a drop of that noble Tip in it, being only Rochel, Cogniak, or Nants White-Wine, racked into a fresh Cask, strongly scented with Brimstone, Alum, Aquavitae, Nutmegs, Cloves, Coriander, and aniseed, into which they put the Parel,( whites of Eggs, Bay Salt, Milk and Conduit Water, beat together,) and after that add a proportionable quantity of clarified Honey and course Sugar, and then to give it the delicate flavor of Rhenish, they whip in a decoction of Clary Seeds, which makes it pass for Rhenish in the Must, which they top for the most part on the foolish English; not much unlike to this, is the base practise of our Cyder-men, who sell that for cider, which has not a drop of the juice of the Apple, but is made of Turnips, &c.  Dash. 
They are da— ' d R— es for doing so as well as the—  Chip. 
The Vintners here are no better, for tho Wines are subject to Sicknesses, and ill Accidents, as Workings, Frettings, Pallings, and other Alterations, and may, nay, ought to be cured, helped, and skilfully managed, yet nothing should be used that is prejudicial to Men's healths, as is Stum( which is the Flower of Fermenting Wine, and used to recover decayed Wine by putting it into a new Agitation, making is drink pertly or brisk) offends the Head and Stomach, torments the Guts, and cuases loosenesses; and yet nothing is more ordinary in use among them and the Coopers, who value not the hurt it does to the Drinkers, if they can get off their Flat or Eager Wines; besides, how frequently do they draw unfine Wines,( and to conceal the cheat, they have invented thick curled glasses,) which generate the Scurvy, and administer matter for the ston and Gout.  Dash. 
We are usually caseful to fine our Wines down as much as can possibly be done, not only because they are unwholesome, when the Lee flies thick about, but also because they are unpleasaut to the palate, and not so beautiful to the Eyes, tho not one in ten of our Chapps knows the difference, if it be but( thought) Wine, it goes down cleaverly, poor fools, they have not Wit enough to distinguish good from bad, except it be very plain indeed, dead or sour. Nor need we care if all the World knew our Art in that particular of fineing Wines, for it is done with Isinglass plucked or cut in small pieces and dissolved, or Whites of Eggs, which will carry down a Floating or Flying Lee, but if it be very gross and earthy, we use powders of Alabaster, Caland-Flints, White Marble, Roch-Alum, &c. which by their weight sink all before ' em.  Chip. 
There's no harm in all this, nor in correcting the Wines that are Lumpish, Ropy, Qually, Rank, Eager, pricked, &c.  Dash. 
No, but I'll tell you what I have heard a great physician say, that the Lime-stones which we slacken and put into our Canaries to cure them of their sicknesses, as Rankness, Eagerness, or Pricking, is very injurious to hot and dry constitutions and meager habits.  Chip. 
That may be; but I am pretty sure there is no hurt in the Flanders-Tile and Roch-Allum we use to cure the Pricking in French Wines, nor of the juice of Slows or Bullice, of which we put sometimes a gallon into a Hogshead of Claret to recoves its briskness and picquantness, this makes it drink brisk and rough, which taste alone( formerly) pleased most, tho( now) almost worn out. Or what damage is it to the Drinkers of Rhenish Wines, that to cure them of their being pricked, we rack them into a clean and strong scented Cask, and add to the Wine a due proportion of clarified Honey, with Skim-milk beat together; or to meliorate the taste of hungry, thin, eager White-wines, we infuse a good quantity of Malaga raisins, stoned and bruised; or to keep stinking Wines, we rack them from their old and corrupt Lee, and to give them a fine flavor, we hang bags of Spices, such as Ginger, Zedoary, Cloves, Cinnamon, Orrice, Cubebs, and other aromatics; or use Elder Flowers and tops of Lavender, to do the same thing.  Dash. 
Thou art thy Arts Master I see, Chip, away with it, let's hear all thy Recipes, for as yet I find no fault with any of'em.  Chip. 
No, nor can you with reasons, for what prejudice is it to the Sackdrinkers, if when those sorts of Wines begin to languish, we refresh them with a Cordial Syrup made of most generous Wines of Sugar and Spices.  Dash. 
You say well.  Chip. 
Or when Claret is inclined to a Consumption, if we throw it upon a new and richer Lee, and the shavings of Fir-wood; that the Spirits being recruited by the additional Lee, may be kept from exhaling, by the unctuous substance of the Turpentine.  Dash. 
True, but I have often heard Gentlemen complain( after a Debauch of this Wine) of exceeding dullness and pain in their head, which indeed it infallibly produces, as also a swimming and dizziness, which is doing violence to Nature; nay, and I have known several Companies leave our House upon it, tho poor Gentlemen tho knew not the Cause of those pain.  Chip. 
Psha, this is nothing to what comes after, I have all this while been entertaining you only with the Niceties of our Skill and Art, in managing, preserving, and recovering of Wines, to make them pass off well, in which we use abundance of Stum, Sweets, Old Harry, Molosses, Sugar, and several Compositions, which I have hinted at before, as also Milk to whiten Sherry,( as we, phrase it) often mixing Brandy with that and other Wines to raise them up or quicken them when they are languishing, as also to give them strength and vigour when they are thin, lean, or hungry,( as many Wines naturally are) nor is it a report, fancy, or invention that we put raw flesh into our Wines, for we do sometimes throw raw Beef into our freting Wines, to let them feed upon; but all this is but a trifle to what I am going to impart, for this carries no great ill with it, for it properly belongs to our profession to amend our Wines, tho it were to be wished that we used things less noxious in themselves, and not so destructive of men's Healths, which might be, if we were a little honester, less greedy of gain, and getting vast Estates; I must confess I myself am ashamed at our beastly brewing, which now exceeds all reason and measure, out-doing all that was ever done before.  Dash. 
War-hawk, prithee forbear firing, Chip, Udsheart we shall be ruined if ever these things come to the public ear, thou beginnest Lad to bewray thy own nest, which the Proverb says, none but an ill bide will do; these Sallies seem to be very vehement.  Chip. 
Why faith I was going on too fast, inveighing against our Fraternity: But hush, I have done, there is no fear of this Dialogue of ours ever coming abroad into the World, if a secret can be kept betwixt two, which the wise Italians assert cannot be, except one be away; however, I have faith in thee and so shall proceed.  Dash. 
Do dear Chip, thou art an honest sincere Fellow, which I fear very few of thy Trade are any more than of our.  Chip. 
Egad I think you have guest well, but to the business in hand. I shall now present you with such a bundle of Knavish Tricks, and Dis-ingenious Practices of Vintners, Wine-Coopers, and all Traders in Wine, both wholesale and retail, as well Top-Taerns, as Hedge, I say from the highest to the lowest, from the Glorious Planet behind the Exchange to the vineyard in Low Lambeth, and from the Greatest Vaults or Magazines of Wine to the meanest sorriest Cellar or pennyworth of Wine-Cellar within the Bills of Mortality, nay, indeed throughout the whole Kingdom, that you must shut your Eyes for fear of being struck blind, and offer up your Prayers to Saturn, who governs the auricular nerves, lest you lose your hearing, for by all that's good and sacred, 'tis villainous and base.  Dash. 
Out with it boy, without any more preamble or preface, I am agog to know it all.  Chip. 
You do know the greatest part of it already, and have a thousand thousand times practised it, but yet some things are new to you; however, new and old, take 'em rough as they run. Wines in general are not only abominably Sophisticated, but lamentably metamorphized; The very Rosycrucians themselves transmute not metals so much as you and we do liquours, which by the way, you and I can't but own to be damned Roguery; it is much some severe Laws have not been enacted, to correct these Enormities, or at least the old ones put in Execution, and Inspectors or Supervisors erected to see that no such Cheats( for so indeed they are) should be imposed on the people, 'tis picking their Pockets, 'tis robbing them of their Money, and( which is yet more valuable) their Health, without which there can be no true Relish of any pleasure in this World.  Dash. 
Pray don't Philosophize, but keep to your Last and remember ne suitor, &c.  Chip. 
Well then, There is nothing more ord'nary than for great Quantities of Malago to be put into Canaries,( the greenest, hardest Wines of that kind admitting most;) French-Whites into Rhenish; Rhenish into Sacks; Sacks and Malmsies into Muskadels,( for which last Tents and Alicants are now sold every day;) Sherry for Lusenna Wine; Rochel or Nants Whites are transformed into Claret by dashing them with read; English Wines( not only the juice of the Grape, but also Cherry, Gooseberry, and Currants. Wine into Foreign; Malago and Sherry mix are sold for Choice Canary; read Florence, read Port, Claret and Alicant all jumbled together, and sold either for read Port single, or for Claret single, with many other Knaveries,( which to be thoroughly handled would require a Volume of bulk to writ them into, or would keep us Dialoguing a fortnight at least.)  Dash. 
Why here's no great harm in all this.  Chip. 
No more there wou'dn't, if there were nothing but Wine and Wine put together, tho sweet Mr Dash, if you please but to consider this point a little, before you transit so hastily, or pass it over, it is of more moment than you think for; you and I would take it very from a Woollen Draper, if he should sell us course English Serge or Drugget for fine Spanish Broad clothes; or a Mercer( tho they are Knavish enough) to sell us Plush for Velvet, which is no more than what you the Vintners, nay, and Coopers in the Town, do every hour in the day, and oftener if ye go into the Cellar to fetch up any Wine; you know as well as I the composition of Wine is manifold, and you draw out of two or three several Casks for one quart or pint to accommodate it to the palates of your Customers; but that which is indeed abominable beyond all toleration, is the unreasonable dose of frieze,( poor sorry cider, as I hinted before) whipped into almost all the Wine that you draw, so that to be serious 'tis rare that you draw, any Wine neat, tho you pretend to all Companies it is pure.  Dash. 
But prithee what's that to a Corinthian Brother of ours, that lives not far from Ludgate Church, who boasted lately( when drunk as we now) to a certain Company of Foreigners, that he had drawn Champaign, Burgundy, Chablais, and other curious and costly Wines out of the very same Cask a hundred and a hundred times, adding, that nothing was so easy, as to deceive Mens Palates, in Themselves various, uncertain, and often misled by fancy and humour; that a little supple-cringing, a few fair words, and a positive asserting it to be such or such Wine, neat and rare, carried it off cleverly.  Chip. 
This was a Whipster i'faith; tho I have often heard Gentlemen complain of the damned Impudence of the Masters and Drawers, who will hardly ever own any fault in their Wine, tho never so apparent or easy to be discovered, but will outface their Companies, that the Wine is fine when 'tis not; that it is brisk, when flat; that when it is in ferment or upon the fret, having a white froth round about the Glass, ( being stumm'd a little too much) that 'tis only the first quart of a new pierced Pipe, and pierced on purpose for them, which is a mere Flam and Evasion; but all this and a great deal more they dare do, and can stand to briskly upon occasion.  Dash. 
Lord! how prettily we top upon those Rum Culls called Gentlemen, who pretend to know every thing; a few Pickles to relish their Wine, or a few clean Lies to make them have a good opinion of it, engages 'em to whip down abundance, and so they are fairly cheated of their Health and their Money. Whereas if they but knew what they drank, and how we brew and trick them every manner of way,( as wise and as cunning as they fancy themselves) they'd even swallow less Beverage and more English Manufacture, sound honest Belsh, which they would soon find to agree better with their Constitutions, and prevent those Tormenting Twitches of Rheumatism and Gouts, the first with difficulty, that is, with letting out all their old and making all new blood, is after this manner cured, or patched up, but the last, alack! is without Remedy, nothing but Patience, the Mad-dog Medicine, avails any thing in those most cruciating Anguishes.  Chip. 
'Tis much those dolorous Pains should not be their Monitors after so much Experience.  Dash. 
Ah so it is; however, if the old Fellows, those true Soakers, left us, we should be supplied with fresh sets of young Deboshees, who feeling nothing( at present) can fear nothing( for the Future) and who are so fond of our houses, that they could live there( I think) for good and all: they melt the whole evening with us, till two, three, and( sometimes) four a clock in the morning; We have also Whisk and Swobbar-men that stick by us as long, and spend as liberally as petty Princes, being indeed very choice Customers to us, during the whole, long, tedious, dull,( and often) very could Winter; thus they divert themselves with good Fires, and strong read Bub, lead chiefly to this, and other Games, viz. Hazard, &c. by an Itch of Covetousness, I say, by a greedy desire of Gain; whereas alas! we are the only Gainers: We are the true Gamesters, and the most biting Sharpers, for at the Long Run all the Money of the Company comes into our Clutches, tho they don't dream of this, which is yet true in Fact.  Chip. 
That's most certain; but you have a thousand Tricks to amuse and deceive your Topers; Prithee let's hear a few of them, be as candid to me in that matter, as I have been to you in laying open the whole Secret and Mystery of the Brewing-Trade. By Bacchus, our Boozing Deity, I have not concealed the least point from you; I could have spun out my discourse, and so have lengthened our Conference; but being a passionate Lover of Brevity, I summed up the whole in a few words.  Dash. 
You have so, and I thank you for your great Freedom, and Openness, I'll make you the best Returns I can, and tho my performances will fall very short of yours, that is, they are neither so curious nor considerable, yet you who are not so conversant with Gentlemen( I mean in attending them) and their numberless Maggots, I believe will be not a little diverted, with what I am about to communicate to you.  Chip. 
Let's have it then old boy; however, do nothing rashly, here's a Brusher to ye of a Quart, I scorn to drink less; besides, if this cackling of ours goes on without wetting our whistels now and then, I shall have but a Dull Account of Affairs I fear, we shall be but sorry Company neither; besides, our Booz will die upon our hands, we'll empty the t'other Shaftsbury; and please the Stars before we part; it costs us nothing, and the Devil's in it, if our Masters out of their ungodly gain can't afford to let us be drunk once a week at least; but now in spite of them, and their narrow sneaking humors, we'll bowl it away for half an hour more, seeing we are befriended by this blessed Opportunity, secured 〈◇〉 all surprise, or can we be over-heard, in this safe and private Store Vault, where we thus happily met, and so here's King William's health, and safe Return.  Dash. 
With all my heart honest True-penny, were it a perk of Claret, I'll take it off Supernaculum; you see brother Chip, I drink clean.  Chip. 
Ay so thou dost, if there be an honest Fellow of the profession thou art one.  Dash. 
Well now to perform my promise. Amongst thousands of Whims to be observed amongst the read Fustian Drinkers, I shall present you a few of the most Ridiculous, and faith when Companies are gone, we Drawers, together with our Pot-boys, Beer-boys, Porter, nay, and Cook maids, laugh aloud and long at those poor Animals that resort to our Houses, who are so easily imposed upon, and tricked by us, without so much as dreaming of it.  Chip. 
No, no more they don't; but pray expedite.  Dash. 
What a pretty notion have the Coxcombs that use our houses, that tipping the Drawer three-pence, sixpence, nay, or( as sometimes the foolish Extravagants do) a Shilling, procures them the better Wine; whereas, alas! we must draw such as our Master orders, for from him we have positive directions what to do; he appoints the fats, Butts, Pipes or Hogsheads that are next to be Can'd or pierced; we durst not for our ears do it before, or without his command, tho to please the Dul-pickles we tell them( and often too!) that it is a fresh piece of Wine, and that we pierced it just now, and on purpose to please them; and yet for these Unfeather'd Fools to talk of Interest in such a Drawer, or in such a Master, at such a Tavern, how silly, weak, nay, ridiculous is the very expression itself, as if they ought not to have good Wine for their Money, but must court, caress, and bribe the Slaves that attend on and live by them, and yet not have it neither.  Chip. 
You say all in all, but yet if the Bubbles will be bit, who the pox can help it; besides, you have the pleasure of getting their Money, and laughing at them into the bargain, as you insinuated alate.  Dash. 
Yes, there are some of us Drawers, that at the end of our Apprenticeship, have laid up a Cod of five or six hundred pounds, besides, which is a round sum you'll say, what we vainly spend when we get abroad, for according to the example of our Wise Masters, we are the most extravagant Creatures in the Universe, and value no more the spending of twenty, thirty, or forty Shillings, than others do of so many pence.  Chip. 
Very pretty fellows indeed, but however let's hear some more of the Shams upon Gentlemen.  Dash. 
The palates of our Customers have more different gusts than the Moon has Figures; one must( as he calls it) have a dry Wine, another a rough Wine; t'other a smooth mellow Wine, but most agree in a very strong Wine; which we know how to strengthen, with Brandy, or Spirits, which are cheaper, and to lengthen it; for the famed of one extraordinary high prized Pipe of Canary( we buy) sells us twenty, and yet we persuade, 'tis all of that very Pipe; and so of Pontac( when in vogue) and of other Wines,( now) as Barcelona, Gallicia, Lisbon, &c. And when one of the Company finds fault, usually the rest concur, then the Drawer is blamed, sometimes the Master in heat is called for, and upon complaint of the Bub being bad, I'll please ye I warrant ye Gentlemen, says he, I'll draw a quart myself,( as if that was such a mighty Favour by the way) down he goes to the Bar, and sends any of the Drawers to such a Cask, and bids him give it a dash of such another, which is frieze; up he brings it to him, who gives it a good thump on ground, to brisken it a little, but stays till the ferment is over, and having stayed pretty long, to possess the Fops that he pierced a fresh Pipe for them,( as he to be sure tells them) up Stairs he moyes, and with Hat under Arm, and an awkward bow fills out a glass himself, Here's Wine, Gentlemen, says he, I defy all the Town to draw such; they all having drank How do ye like it my Masters? adds he; it is answered, Nemine Contradicente, incomparable Wine indeed! this is something like Wine. Nay, and very often the same individual quart or pint of Wine, that is disliked, and pretended to be changed, is brought up again, without addition or diminution; nor in the Summer is it unusual for us to whip in a good glass of Spring Water, which cools and refreshes the Wine, and makes it more pleasing upon the palate, besides a thousand other petty tricks, which I have hardly time to run over; but for the Grand Cheats and Abominable Abuses, which you cheerfully communicated to me, and for the lesser Deceits and flights of hands I have acquainted you with, I suppose we shall both agree that there be no Words made on them, but that what has past between us at this Interview, may be for ever butted in our Breasts; for if the World were informed of our Wicked Acts, and Pernicious Practices, in adulterating and Sophisticating our Wines, and even in selling that( every day) for Wine, which is not Wine, surely they would abandon our houses, and cease defiling their blood with our accursed Mixtures, and so dear Chip, I shall conclude this Conference with a Facer to you, to the Prosperity of England, and to the retrieving of our Trade and Commerce.  Chip. 
Done, Mine's off, and now farewell most hearty.  Dash. 
True brother Soker, I wish ye bonas noches.  
FINIS.