The Academy of LOVE describing the folly of young men, & the fallacy of women by Io: Johnson, Gent  Qui antea non cavet, post dolebit, 
LONDON, Printed for Humphrey Blunden, at the Castle in Cornhill, Aᵒ 1641.   

THE ACADEMY OF LOVE. Describing the Folly of young men, and the fallacy of women. BY John Johnson, Gent.  Qui antea non cavet, post dolebit. 
LONDON: Printed for H. Blunden, at the Castle in Cornhill. 1641.   

TO THE RIGHT WORTHY AND EVER HIGH ESTEEMED, Mr. RICHARD COMPTON, Esquire, perpetual health and prosperity.  
THe many obligations (Honoured Sir) which your deserving actions have made me servant to draw me to another engagement, which is no less noble, than those boundless bounties, which you so oft have conferred upon me: Therefore I now become an humble petitioner, th●t your good liking will protect me from the detraction of all Mom●sts and Zoylans; and in so doing, I shall not fear that any one will say this my offspring is illegitimate, because your favourable eye not only nullifies the malice of all adverse wills, but adds baptism to this innocent, which here lies mute, wrapped up in the purity of white sheets: nay more, your gentle worded censure confirms the same, and inlists it in the roll of Fame and Reputation. Admire then this small pension of my brain with mild benevolence, so may you add courage to a young beginner, and make his Labour immortal by your smiling favour; for except this model find mercy in your kind acceptance, the creation, which I bestowed upon it, was only to make it nauseall to all men's stomachs, and me ridiculous, because I ever observed your word to be of more value, than ever my merits could reach unto; than what is it that Your countenance will not persuade, if You please to add but a few syllables to make your will appear? Si dicas, factum est. If I thought or knew not your power to be prevalent in this which I request, I would not have so audaciously adventured to solicit any such courtesy; but I am confirmed of this knowledge, and confident of your ever too little praised good nature, which is a perfect spark of that heavenly goodness which giveth all things, because Your chief desire is to help Your friend with all sort of encouragement possible, and communicating Your best endeavours to the bettering of all those that strive to deserve: And therefore I am confident I shall find You my firm and real Friend, to gain that benevolence for me, for which I will ever remain  
Your faithful servant, IO. Johnson.   

An Index of the schools which are in love's university.  

THe school of Rudiments.  
The accidence.  
The grammar,  
Syntax.  
Poetry.  
Rhetoric.  
Logic.  
Physics, or natural Philosophy.  
Generation and Corruption.  
Meteors.  
Physic and chirurgery.  
The school of Law.  
Mathematics.  
Fencing school.  
Arithmetic.  
Geometry.  
Music.  
The school of innkeepers and Vintners.  
Astrology with a general Prognosticat●on.  
love's Library.    

THE ACADEMY OF LOVE.  
TRuth and dreams (according to the vulgar opinion of men) agree not in one and the same subject, but are in such estranged enmity, that the appearance of the one annihilates the birth of the other: this is a general rule, & therefore approved of; but notwithstanding there is no general rule, but it hath an exception, and therefore this must participate of the same law; for which I shall ever acknowledge myself a slave to sleep, and a more facile creditor of dreams; and those that are of a perverted will, that will believe nothing, but what self vision instructeth, let them attend to the ensuing discourse, and when I have concluded, they shall say this dream is true, which now I begin to rehearse.  
One night (a happy night, the return to my ease and r●st, perioded with the end of all my miseries,) I had no sooner embarked my fatigated corpses in the couch of nocturnal repose, purposing to delude my sorrows with the pension of some pleasing imagination, when passion and Reason fell into so desperate a controversy, that I could in no wise judge, but that my vexed soul was entirely given up to the furies to be tormented. The cause of this my Busirian calamity issued from that monstrous Pasiphae, my Mistress, who deserved rather the just appellation of a cruel Siren, then serene female, more resembling a Cockatrice, than a kind lover; and to call her embraces, merciful piety, is to appropriate unto her the killing qualities of the attractive Magnes, or rather that insatiable appetite of Sylla, who chiefly lusteth after an avaricious receiving, not less ruinous, then perpetual; and indeed I cannot compare her greedy desire more fitly to any thing, then materia prima, which gapeth after the destruction of an absent form, to deface that, which now perfects and adorns her deformity; for she making me the cadaver of her love to feed her helluous gorge, never ceased to crave, until she had induced this new form of poverty, which I am now actuated with; nor had I as yet emerged my low-sunck senses out of the imprisoning dungeon of love, had my gold and treasure continued But in fine, as I may say, in the bottom of my store, when parsimony comes too late, my hands were not so yellow in the palms, nor could my pockets afford a gingling cheerfulness; the clouds of perfumes, I used to walk in, were dispersed, the Cuchinell, Arabian tinctures, sericall vermins endeavours, Hydaspian floods, and Oriental lustres were faded, dead, dried up, and shipwracked, and I desolate in the wilderness of disdisdaine; and now at lest vested in the sheep's ruggedness, determined rather to be a martyr (as indeed I both was, and still remain) than a confessor: for finding myself culpable of nothing but poverty, and most assured my poverty was so low and desperate, and my fortune so disjointed, that it was an impossible apprehension to conceive any amendment, I knew it was frivolous to confess, because I was uncapable of absolution: Nay, finding myself in such a desperation of redress, the vehemence of my distracted cogitations dispossessed me of my senses, compelling them to the silent yoke of sleep. But yet kind Morpheus was so benign, that he charmed not my fancy to the submission of that slothful dulness, but gave it free liberty to act its dumb tragicomedies.  
Thus was the sentinel of my pentarchical soldiers permitted to rest; and those other interior demesticks, whose tired spirits had not sufference to march on in nocturnal obscurity, closed up their incorporeal eyes, with a soft whisper to the pavilion of their silence: when the dreaming sense (that works up mountains of admiration, which prove but molehills in the morning) ambled about, like Will-with-the wisp, dancing round lays through the Morphean meadows, and in short space entered the Isle of Cyprus, and (Fancy being my guide) I immediately seemed to be at the great Court of Love, where I found a by-pathed gate, which led me into love's pleasant garden; better and more proper had I said, if I had said, it appeared pleasant, because it was love's garden, and moreover the apparition was a dream, and therefore of small estimation with the watchful; and I may also term it pleasant Ironically, because it is not that which Poets vaunt of, when the Heliconian streams allay the tumour of a love sick soul, but rather a bank of weeds pullulating too abundantly with rugged▪ nettles, ulcerous trash, and poisoning flowers.  
Walking on, I espied the bloody mulberry, at the foot whereof lay the worm-eaten bones of that pair, which Cupid's fury committed to the tragedy of a slaughtering sword. Here I began to per●patize and philosophate upon the force and efficacy of this passion, that occasioned this murder, until at last I cast my eyes upon the virgin laurel, which although it grew without the garden walls, yet was it in such an e'evation, that I saw it, or at least seemed to see it, and passing nearer to it, I began to contemplate Apollo's happiness (according to the vaporous species that then did swim in my brain) when Daphne's metamorphosis commanded the amorous flood of his spring-tide-passion to retire. Well might I say and reiterate my speeches; Thy labyrinth of discontent was fortunatly cut down, and abbreviated by a deified fury, since thy labour, care, and vigilance was all abolished and remitted to repose, by a scornful speed, or speedy scorn: happy, O thrice happy I, had such benevolent fortune encountered me in the birth, or baptism of my amorous engagement: for I plainly see, that disdain is a sweet cur●e, especially, when it is so killing, that it breeds a careless in the disdained Lover, other wise it ushereth on his own misery, forcing a man to consume his whole patrimony to buy disdain for a captive, as my adversity, or adverse love, (which we may justly nominate disdain) recompensed my solicitude with ruinous effects.  
But yet I must audaciously condemn Apollo, for that his immoderate desire permitted a violent rap●ure to eclipse the rays of his judicious wisedom●; neither will I adventure to blame him for loving, but for invading a virgin so openly, with such lascivious fervour, & such obscene speeches▪ for Virgins are not only coy at the first congratulation, but also modest and full of blushing: obscene words are worse than the deed itself, and therefore if you will purchase your desir●, you must choose darkness to be your guide and speaker, and your evidence must not be, what you can say, but what you can do: for know, that silence with action is a maiden's delight. But besides all this, if a liberal hand be not stretched forth, you shall often see the backside of your idol, than her smiling countenance. And this was great Apollo's error; for he that generateth gold and silver, which in this age are the Circe that bewitcheth the world, the Medea of skill, reducing old decrepitness to a youthful flourishing: even deformity herself in this looking glass appears more beautiful than fair Adonis in beauties ardent eaves: hadst thou, O Apollo, the dominion of this potent, powerful, and golden generation, and wouldst not bestow a fee upon her thou hadst in chase? had thy gift been without interest, it would have been styled a worthiness acted for a beauty's sake. How couldst thou forget thy Danoe? why didst not thou reflect upon her, whose mute consent opened her willingness to thy wishes? was it not those trickling drops of gold, that caused her to open her lap, to the end she might contain thee the more? and the more she opened, the more was thy liberty: I cannot conceive any thing more or less, but that Cupid's bolt had clouded thy clearness, since that the only winning way was in thy hand, and thy drowsiness neglected to executed the same.  
As thus my fancy wasted invectives against the God of wisdom, the God of Love instantly placed himself before me, all naked, with his harness of artillery, as he is accustomed to be painted: yet was he not blind, as frequently his delineation instructeth, but either hath recovered his sight, or at least conserveth that which he never lost: nevertheless his nakedness ceaseth not to beg an alms of the distressed wretch, and will make no conscience to steal away clothes from him that hath but one vestment, for he regards not whom he nonsuits. In fine, I adoring him for a supreme deity, implored his aid, thereby hoping to extract myself forth of that tediousness, which his power had wrapped me in. But he smiling took me by the hand, and step by step leading me through his maskering shades, read my secret objections in this manner.  
I perceive the description which your eyes have read in admiring me, hath sufficiently informed you, who I am, although your mental complaints veil your dull ignorance in a cloud of greater darkness; because I find your error, which hath always constituted, or at least conceived me to be Archbishop of unity and divine love: which prerogative, as it is but nominal and of your imp●sition, so it is a real mistake, for ●ome it is nomen falsum, et titulus sine re: for my name is Cupid, which more serious reflection will explicate to be covetousness; you may call me union abusively, because covetousness aims at the union of treasure; you may call me also love, because covetousness loveth treasure or riches: if therefore any fault can be imagined, make an intuit into your own endeavours, and my name, and you will confess your own blindness: look upon your own losses, and you will conclude, that I am not only the god of covetousness, but also of Interest, because covetousness includes Interest.  
The Platonists indeed, being of a generous opinion, say, I am liberal, which appeareth by my nakedness; and the Poets also affirm the same; but I think they might as well assume liberality to themselves, unless they were better furnished with money and apparel; this fiction is their misery, for they are so in love with their own Genius, Hippocrene or Helicon, that they take care for no more than a shirt to shift themselves, when they come forth of these baths: Alas, these penetrate not the depth of my craft; for I go not thus disrobed, because I am a largitious and profuse disperser of my own patrimony, but contrariwise, because I am miserable and covetous. For I have my Chests and Coffers well filled with Gold and treasure, & my guard robe plentifully furnished with all sorts and fashions of clothes; I only put on this face of poverty, because I am perpetually vested anew; and the ofter I show my penury, the more bags I heap up in my treasure-house. You may now therefore at this knowledge, Epimetheus like, weep away your folly, and come to repentance before you starve.  
Could you be so simple, as to think, I were prodigal and generous, and yet never bestowed any thing on so faithful a servant as yourself? perhaps you imagined I had given all away, but the next rent day, it would fall to your share. Attend therefore, and I will fructify your apprehension with the declaration of all those that are subject to this erroneous mistake.  
Cupido or Cupid is the world's desire; it is that baser heap of love, which mundane creatures adore: for being that all things desire to be united with that, which is most agreeable to their natural condition, & this love being mundane, as the creatures themselves are, therefore they naturally thirst after this love: This is gold and all sublunary treasure, extracted out of the bowels of this terrene globe, that causeth so much enamoration: this is the gemmish mischief, which infernal Dis or Pluto the world's usurer and grand Bishop is patron of; who hath constituted me his bailiff, to gather his tithes, tenths, and interest; granting full power to extort not only tenthes, but twenties, nay in every hundred half, or all if I can clutch it: because my covetous appetite must for small courtesies receive triple, yes tenfold Interest: and for this cause I am called amongst the wisest the usurers bag, or the god of Interest, and only in an oblique kind styled the God of love, only to signify that all love Interest. For it is the ganderwise train of Ignoramus his scholars, who take me to be the potent peer, and openhanded God, that gives ease to all passions, that savour of the fury of an amorous desire, darting golden shafts which unite souls in heavenly harmony, never to feel misery after this stroke, when really there is no such thing within the whole latitude of my power.  
For I must ingenuously confess, that there is no true love, no true union, no true delight, but proceeds from the supreme divinity, the pure and immaterial essence of the omnipotent King, and sole ruler of all celestial and terrestrial creatures: it is the love which he powers down upon us, that supernatural bounty, which by how much the more it is fought for, so much the more is the increase of it; for it is a communicative delight, whose chief propriety is perpetually to stream into the hearts and souls of all that are capable thereof: This love is free, liberal, profuse, truly generous, and without limitation; swifter than thought, vaster than the concave of this universe, which is but a narrow stage, if divine love should act upon it: And therefore, if simplicians conceit they shall find this profundity in my ebnes, they deceive their expectation, and will in the end lament the shallowness of their sequestered intelligence. Friend, you conceive Interest to be liberality, and take poverty by the hand, if you go to meet me in a generous weed: for when you receive a kiss by my direction, it may chance to make you undergo a twelve months' penance, or, as it hath now, groan under a seven years' servitude: I have known a smile fetch off all the flesh of a man's back, and the giving of a handkerchief cost more than it would hold, had it been filled with diamonds, to requite the kindness; because nothing is given by me or mine, but it hath a hook in the end, that brings back a double Interest.  
If therefore you will rightly know my name, I am the god of Interest, begot of Lascivious covetousness, bailiff to Dis, and Pander to the world. And because you are in the court of Cyprus, and peradventure may not so suddenly consent to this, which I have affirmed in my short narration, I will favour you so much, as to show you my university, or schools of Interest, which (thanks be to fools) is the most populous, most ample, and most famous university in the world, where the women proceed graduates, and the men degradates, and all under my moderation, wearing the signet of this faculty, as registered here form their matriculation, even unto the honour of doctorates, and the men dumbe-pocketed-dunce-pates. In speaking this, I found myself conducted near to a very large poarch, whose frontispiece contained these words in capital letters, and of gold.  VNIVERSITAS AMORIS. 
And under this title was inserted this tetrasticon, not less curious for the golden show, then dangerous for those that should enter the port.  
This is the university of Love:  
Noah sort of men can here an entrance move,  
Except they do become free Donatists;  
For here the women are all Tolletists.  
No sooner had I conceived these words, but the effect that the Remora causes to a ship, the very same these cautions words wrought in my demurring limbs, where I stood as if I had been thunder-struck, or confined by the power of a spell to a foot-broad piece of ground: for considering the poor condition of my airy purse (Airy I may call it, because there was not one penny in it to expulse that element) I had no motion left in me to perform the obligation, which my curiosity exacted by entering therein; since I was not more free from any thing, than how to free myself from this imminent voyage: until at length my Patron raised up my spirits, and animated my cowardice; saying.  
This lingering stop, which you now practise, argues not so much a fainting spirit; as an unreflective and dull wit; for since you have nothing to lose, you need not fear robbing, and for any violence, it is against the rules of our university: you only enter now with me to see, not to be circled in the list of a Collegian in my university: and therefore be audacious; for if my courtiers see such a dejected person brought into their schools, they will not only laugh you to scorn for a woodcock, but so amaze your abject and degenerous appearance with the very clamour of a ridiculous sound, that you will faint when you fix your feet: be courageous, for my female train is not altogether that sort of nuns, where you must pay for what you see; but rather like a fair or great market, where you shall see for love, and buy for money.  
Thus the obstacle being removed, the dead palsy in my joints was expulsed by a warmth, which gave me freedom to walk, until we came to the second port, which gave entrance to all the classes, which (God willing) as Cupid did open them to me, I will open them in order to you, in the form following. I casting up my head espied a fair character with these words.  OMNES AVARITIAE student. 
Under which was this distich subsiged. 
Silver, Gold, and all rich treasure  
Is our search and chiefest pleasure.  After my conductor had entered I made bold to follow, and finding myself in a large and spacious hall, whole several ports gave me to understand, that I was now environed rond about with all the classes, and consequently with all the sciences Loves university contained.  
Cupid turning himself towards me, said; now friend you are in love's university, where you shall presently see women of several ages, wits, and beauties, who teach their masculine disciples the liberal arts, so that those, who are most prompt in this faculty of liberality, with most celerity proceed graduates. Here be many colleges, over which I am President; and although you may condemn the overseers, for that they brush not and cleanse their chambers, as it is the custom in other universities, yet you must know, that we abhor so much this quality, that if a pretendent have but a cleansed purse or pocket, which hath been brushed by an extracting set of fingers, we immediately expulse him out of our university. The men are all of the tribe of Dan, but it is to be understood paragogically, for we ascribe them de tribu Dant, as a more proper appellation according to the condition of their quotidian exercise. The women are de tribu Levi, but you must note that it is cautiously to be applied, and understood, for they are never Leves, quando pecuniarum summae sunt breves: but only quando altera lanx ponderosior est, levifacit eas. And in speaking this we arrived at the first class, which had these verses engraved on the door.  

The school of love's Rudiments.  Come gallant, come to Cupid's school,  
we'll teach you by an easy rule:  
Our vowels learn, for they be few;  
Say with full hands, here, I. OV.  
I was no sooner entered this spacious class, but at one glance I viewed an innumerable number of beauties, which shined like so many suns in a clear and serene morning, had not their hooking talents informed otherwise: and as children begin to squeale out their lessons, when their Master enters the school, the same fear of stripes (as I suppose) possessed these darlings: for they had no sooner cast their eyes upon their grand Master Cupid, but they began to voice it forth with all sorts of tones: I perceived they were all perfect in their syllables, both English & Latin. But I observed moreover an unheard of method, which they observed also as a precept; for the youthful gallants were seated all of one rank, and over against them the dainty minions, these proposing with a notable lifted voice this mono syllable, da, da; to whom the young petitioners answered in as high a note, do, do; And thus enterchangably did they only sit smiling at each other, reiterating this short ode, or odious sharpness, which tumult seeming offensive to my ears, I directed my steps towards some other damsels, which were writing, and learners as I perceived after: I viewed and perused the comely and decen● form of their letters, and praised the handsome shape, and even position thereof; to which she whom I praised answered.  
Wonder not that a girl so young should become so perfect a scribe; for although I wholly bend my desire and willingness hereto, yet know moreover, that our God hath in styled into my fingers a dexterity, adopted for the same, and last of all I am so fitted with instruments conducing to my intent, that you could not but condemn me of dulness, if I were not a very famous proficient.  
Whilst my attention observed her speeches, my eye carried another species to the common sense, and so it passed to those other more perfect powers; and what was it, but that these damsel●s pens were all made of Harpies wings and other ravenous birds, such as are hanks, Cormorants and the rest, whose avaricious liung they imitated. Nothing more seriously some others, many of them began always with, Received, Received: some were writing letters of Exchange, others to set slaves free, because they could not comply with the demand of their mistresses: some reading what their amorous servants had presented them with: these registering the promises of their lovers: some noting down the use of lips, so many pieces; half a dozen courtesies, three smiles, a dozen of nods, four becks, a quarter of an hours talk, the promise of a meeting, and a million of such engagements, every one with a hanging seal, as the clog of Interest.  
I wondered that I could not see any thing concerning disbursements, whereupon I demanded of Cupid, whether there was any or no: We have a book, answered he; which he showed me, and it was one in folio, whose superscription was, A memorandum of disbursements; which I evolving, found from the beginning to the end nothing but blanks: at which I wondering more than before, Cupid said to me, we have no disbursements of the female side, because it is their proper office to receive, not to pay: and this book was made for the courtiers which my female flock entertains, but they more lofty spirited then pursewise, climbing up to higher schools in our liberal sciences, scorned to disgrace themselves in this primary with the setting down of their charges, left the same to be cast up and numbered at the consummation of their charges; which before they can attain unto, their lands are mortgaged, their annuities consumed, and in fine their whole substance all poured into their minion's laps.  
But because I should not defatigate myself in an overcurious perusual of these cheaters, Cupid's call commanded me to progress to the second school of Rudiments, which is the accidence to grammar, where over the port, as before, I read this lesson, as an invitance in.  

love's accidence.  If you will conjugate, and well decline,  
Your rudiments must be the golden mine:  
Where other scholars decline amo amas,  
Here we begin, and finish with do, das.  
This hall was not only more ample than the other, but it was also better furnished with students of both sexes, who according to the theme prefixed, conjugated do, das; but with this difference, that the men conjugated through all moods and tenses; saying, do in the present tense, dabam in the preterimperfect, dedi, dabo: but the women did only beat on their commands in the Imperative mood and present tense, saying; da, dato; date, datote. Passing some thing aside, where were seated the more fresh principiants: I observed that after they had made an end of Musa, (which they tuned forth with a new tune, as being the burden to the song that began with do) they passed to lapis, adjoining to it the Adjective pretiosus. I asking Cupid the cause hereof; he gave me this reason: the second declination in the rudiments of Emmanuel Alvaro doth not exemplify by magister, but dominus; which word none here dare to pronounce, because of the short and ingardly pronunciation, for our delight is in long and large accents, because we still expect and wait for those which are liberal, and extend their love in large gifts: therefore if they should decline this word, they must observe this rule, that the women should decline do minus, and the men do minas, because the other is much against our proceeding, for if the men should say dominus, they would presently become dunces, not finding one to instruct their ignorance, since he that gives least, knows least in our sciences.  
Then Cupid commanded one of his smiling girls to decline manus; she with an humble obesance and demure courtesy glancing her optical darts round about, after she had settled herself in a majestical composure, began thus. Dativo manibus largesse, genetivo manuum largarum, for they always annexed adjectives to their substantives, of which they had a set number, fitting their vocation, but yet I hearing the sweet maid to begin after this unusual manner, supposed she had erred, and began to correct her; but Cupid made answer, saying; peace friend, for she says well: which when I argued the method of our different constitutions, the witty girlemade me this reply: Sir, we study not here that artificial method which you harp upon, but that de arte amandi; in which if you will be a perfect casuist, you must first practise causes dandi, which is the general rule in our class prefixed before all other. Although I was stuck with admiration of the novelty, yet I was so fully satisfied with her answer, that I had no reason left to retort a contrary syllable.  
But since that this (as I thought preposterous) answer had disordered so, that it bred in me a misty confusion, I made an humble supplication to this pretty damsel, that she would rectify my rudeness, and instruct me in the true position of love's cases: and in speaking these words, I found all to be certain which Cupid had formerly declared; for she stepped out of her rank, and holding out her spread apron expected my liberality, to unlock her lips, that her tongue might make my docill understanding capable of her documents; which when I perceived, I was no less ashamed, then unapt to comply with her mute petition. Whereupon Cupid broke silence, saying: favour, it is not the custom here to demand any further, be it never so small, unless you pay interest for it: for it is not articulating mouth that obtains freedom in this university, but the purses mouth, that prevails, for let the purse make any sort of noise, it is interpreted to be the winning language, that no sooner speaks but is heard, and no sooner is heard, but it obtains the Master's desire: otherwise we observe the physical maxim: ex nihilo nihil fit. Notwithstanding, since I promised to show you my university, I will not be slow to give you notice of the orders therein; for you must know that none of my disciples can do this favour, unless they they would incur the crime of expulsion, but for me I am extra regulam.  
Advert therefore that the first is casus dandi, and the next casus gignendi; because the Dative begets the Genitive; and when the Dative is no case: that is, not of force, for that the penurious caitive, or ruffinous swaggerer hath sworn and drunk himself not only out of clothes, but also out of money, than the Genitive is likewise no case. The nominative sometimes we name, & no more: the Accusative is not known amongst us, because all must be so free, that none can be accused of negligence to reward their dearest. My minions have a rule for the Vocative case, which only strike and is termed at their courtier's ears, which is; Qui non est Dativus quando vocatiws clamitat, non est sodalis Amoris. Yet mark the private rule of the females. When the Vocative endeth in us, the Dative endeth in as. The Ablative is the woman's case only, for because they take all, nay they not only take, but they take away all that is given, never regarding any recompense, but only the common, which is thanks, I am your servant, and so: and therefore we constitute the Dative and the Ablative to be correlatives.  
We likewise hold the opinion of the Aristotelians and true Thomists, that Relatio fundatur in quantitate, this quantitas we say is Dativus; and therefore this is our logical discourse, Sublato fundamento relationis tollitur ipsa relatio: sed Dativus est fundamentum Ablativi; ergo sublato dativo aufertur etiam & Ablativus: and what we say of the Dative in respect of the Ablative, the same we likewise say in lieu of the Genitive, quia non admittimus casum Gignendi, si non adfuerit casus Dandi. Neither be mistaken, for it is not casus dandi in praesens only, but casus dandi secundum prius, vel antecedentèr. But let us omit this anticipation, since this is not the class which exacteth either this form or doctrine. We have and set down here as prime and chief one Substantive, one Adjective, one pronoun, and one verb; for example these which follow with their best relishing compounds: Pecunia tota mea est. Our genders properly are but two: the Masculine, which we call genus portans, and the Feminine, which is genus recipiens. To the Female of Feminine gender belong all sorts of metal, which are of value and estimation; likewise all stones be of the feminine gender, even those that are proper to men, are attributed to the female kind and therefore, we say in our grammar rule: Propria quae maribus, foemineo generi tribuuntur. The neuter gender is accounted an Eunuch amongst us, & therefore all newters, as stannum, aes, cuprum, plumbum, and such like rebellious metals we burn for heretics, and the same torture is inflicted upon the Neuter gender, because he that enters our class under this gender, is neither active in the Masculine, nor passive in the Feminine gender, but all Eunuch, all neuter, neuter. As c●ncerning the Commons, we admit of them as they be common, but not else: for the common of two is an hermaphrodite in loves schools, and the common of three a monster: but our method in these common genders, is read in this manner: the common to two, the common to three, the common to thirty, the common to three hundred, and so forth▪ The doubtful is excluded, for that it promiseth nothing of certain. But yet we could reduce all these tolerated genders to the Epicene but only that I permit the Masculine and the Feminine to sport sometimes in the commons.  
Numbers we admit of, but yet he that will win his Mistress soonest, must compliment in the plural, for the singular is but a slender number, & therefore not able to satisfy her more capatious appetite; so that those that will be accounted the best proficients, must be perfect practitioners in the dative cause and plural number.  
In the tract of this discourse we had surrounded the class, and preparing to pass to the next, I desire Cupid to benefit me with the relation of the rest contained in this school: It is needless said Cupid, for there is like difference betwixt ours & those which are taught in other schools: only that we reject some few rudiments, and transpose in a several order; as for example: of our undeclined parts of speech the Preposition is first, and the next is the conjunction; the reason hereof is this: we aim at Interest, therefore before the men attain to their wish, they must prepose or give something, and then no doubt but they shall have a conjunction copulative at their demand.  
Of all the prepositions we except only Adversus and Contra; conjunctions Adversatives, and Diminatives we hold to be mere obsoletes; and constitute Reddatives chiefly to be followed and practised.  
My Females admit not of an Interjection, until they have their hands filled with gold, which causeth them to exercise their spleen with ha, ha, he, and then perhaps they draw the curtain of silence.  
Four sorts of Adverbes are those which are of most estimation with us, two for the men and two for the women: the men's are Quantity and Number, which they present unto the Wishing and Choosing women. And in speaking this we came to the grammar school, whose frontal was thus inscribed.  
The Proper names in this our grammar treasure, 
love's grammar scholar.   
Are Number, & the nouns are weight & measure:  
For verbs, in Neuters take heed lest you woe,  
Cause you will find no supines if you do.  
I was no sooner entered into this class, but the numberless multitude of beauties gazed with such coy, yet constant, eyes upon me, to see such a shrimp adventure into their presence, that were so richly spangled with the choicest vestments, nature's store, and arts invention could trim them with; for in comparison of these relucent Angels I could not choose but style myself the most contemptible animal God had created, and the earth nursed up.  
But yet Cupid revived my dying spirits when he said. Attend ye derlings of delight, and give honourable respect to this shipwracked soldier, who hath so courageously fought under our colours, and borne loves banners to the disabling of himself; for he to maintain your pomp hath sunk himself to this ebb, who was in times past as powerful in the purse, as these your present rufflers are: and although it is contrary to custom to return that back, which you have once received, yet at least give a little knowledge to his forerun harms, because I pity him in his misery, although I cannot sorrow for the loss of his substance.  
This said he turned towards me in this wise: Although our ascent in school makes a different letter from those rules which lily teacheth, yet we cease not to insist something upon his invention, albeit we convert that of his to our proper use, which you shall understand in the pursuit: And fitting up his hand, he gave a sign to one of his train, saying, recite unto us the special and prime rules in grammar concerning nouns: to which she making a bewitching obeisance thus declared he● sovereigns command.  Nomen non crescens, heterocliton esto, Dativo. 
What if your servant, said Cupid, come with an extended hand all gilded in the palm; what say you then?  
Nomen, crescentis penultima quando Dativi  
Syllaba longa sonat, jure est generis muliebris.  
But suppose the pretendent courtesan be but a phantasm, a shadow, a mere mass of penury, like unto this decayed piece of misery (pointing at me) what is your rule? then she with a disdainful countenance, a supercilious brow, and a reproachful eye said.  
Nomen, cresentis penultima quando Dativi  
Aëre corripitur, subito schola spernit Amoris.  
What is your interpretation for this last distich: she answers.  
He that cuts his gifts off short,  
Shall be debarred of his sport.  
She performed this last repetition with so sincere a laughter, and such a lascivious gesture, that I would compare her more fitly to no creature living, than the ravenous strumpet, that infernal Hecate which consumed me, so that now I concluded that any one might play upon their virgin string, that harmonious minikin string of her lute, that could but show his silver pen: whereupon I asked Cupid what was their rule for chastity: who answered, we have a general rule, which is to be observed, yet it hath as many exceptions granted, as there be or shall be opportunities to violate the same. For as soon as they have passed their conjunction copulatives, than they take the degree of Licentiates, because they have licence granted to practise any science art, or activity, that their capacity can climb unto, to gain the indulgency of their liberal courtesans: yet ever premised, that they have a vehement respect to their chief goal, which is interest.  
For as it is a general saying, nay so general that it hath no exception with you; No penny, no Pater Noster; so it is with us in the like manner, for we say: No treasure, no pleasure: And these graduates, as we have above mentioned, be of the tribe of Levi. I being not fully satisfied in my petition, interrupted Cupid, desiring him to solve me of the difficulty, which yet remained; to wit, to instruct me how I should conceive that these schools could observe the laws of chastity, when as they waited continually for an opportunity to shipwreck this virtue? O friend, said he, the very time of their waiting is their profession and professing of chastity; for their intention is not to commit an error on their virginity, but an absolute dominion over their own possession and custody, the total inheritance their servants can or have attained unto; so to send him or them to their shorn companions in daw fair to eat a woodcock pie, where their grace before meat is; Mascula nomina in as dicuntur multa virorum. For after they are thus cheated of their substance, they scarce can abstain (such is their desperation) from dissanulling their hospitall-fashioned carcase of life, exposing themselves to sorrow and lamentations unmerciful hugs; and after they have breakfasted of this dish of simplicity, they say this aftermeate grace following: Rarior est hilarus, vox est hilaris bene nota. For hilarity belongeth not to them, but to those that fare well, which are the Females; which causeth them to say that Hilaris is not in use.  
But let us proceed, said Cupid, to the Syntaxians school, and as we walk I will rehearse and explain some rules which belong to our verbal method. This is the order of the first rule, which the women begin thus: As in praesenti; the men answering, perfectum format in have I. Which Cupid interpreted thus. The woman says to her idolater, that he is an ass in the present tense; and when her loving simplician hath wasted all his store, and findeth himself neglected, he sighs and says, have I found out your deceit? I never yet learned to say no, I am now an as. Now I also find the connective sense of that exception, Do das rité dedi, sto stas formare steti, vult. For dedi and steti are relatives, because as long as I gave I stood, but now I can give no more, I fall from all familiarity, and must now begin the mournful verse, Dot fleo fles &c. indeque natum deleo delevi; for to speak truly, I have blotted myself out of the register of graduates, & merely by nothing but my too much precipitant prodigality; and therefore must entreat my tears to obtain pardon for my vanity which hath pulled poverty upon me.  
When I heard Cupid act this part, I was struck with a vehement incitement to inject a stop in his way, that I might have proceeded in the same theme, because I apprehended it to be a wrong unto me, that had so largely tasted the bitterness of this experience: notwithstanding I gave a great groan and said, O Cupid, I am a real soldier in this camp, for I have turned the Interjection o, to be no Interjection, but a verb, I have changed wooing into owing, and woe in o, and now I decline nothing but o, o, o, per omnes modos et tempora.  
Repentance, said Cupid, is nothing but sottishness, when it comes too late; cheer up and be merry, you will live the longer time; you have great reason to be glad if you considered all; for you must know, therefore you were stung with my waspish dart, because you were rich, and if you will be rich again, you shall be as ill tormented as ever you were; therefore rejoice that you being poor, are uncapable of this vexing torment.  
Come let us pass to the place intended: but yet before we enter the class, mark our verbs compound, how amiable and pleasing they are to my Minions, and how they smile and spread their laps, when they hear this rule pronounced, Syllaba Semper, quam simplex geminat, composto bis geminatur. Nay this doubling rule pricks on the courtly gallants wonderfully to gratify their beauteous mistresses, because this reduplication leads to that gemination where the brisk blades find their supines, who inform the men the truth and good liking of their former gifts, saying, Nunc ex praeterito discas formare supinam; for if you had not doubled in the preter tense, you had found no supine: and therefore the witty girls say to those that desire this supinall doctrine, and end in need, want, &c. Haec rarò aut nunquam retinebunt verba supinam.  
But now said Cupid, we delay too much in this class, let us follow our intention; whereupon we directed our steps to the school of Syntax: and upon the conducting port I read this inscription.  

Lover school of Syntax.  This is the school of order, true connection,  
Where generous rules find courteous acception:  
he's termed here the best Syntaxian living,  
Whose composition is perpetual giving.  
As I was entering the school or hall, there was a screen, upon which there was this sentence inscribed.  
Hic omne animal rationale  
Discit verbum Personale.  
Which I perceived to be a specifical distinction, because impersonals had no government there. In this class all were busied in composition: and as we walked I espied in one of their books this rule, Verbum infiniti modi convertimus in finitum; whereby I understod the dexterity of the females in minorizing the heaps of their servants to increase their own.  
As I was descanting upon the nimbleness of their talents, I heard a tuneable voice say, Adjectivum cum substantivo numero consentit. And why not, genere, answered I? to which Cupid made reply, saying: you must know, that by the Adjective is understood the man, and by the Substantive, or more properly speaking, the Subtractive, the woman, who demands of her Adjective this or that sum of money to furnish her with a new gown, gorget, or the like, so that they agree not in true & legitimate construction, until he consenteth to the number of pounds she desires, for you know that the Adjective must conform itself to the Substantive, not the contrary: but they can never agree in Gender, because they be of two different sexes: but yet replied I, why not then in case, according to lilies constitutions? because, said Cupid, the man's case is the Dative, and the woman's is the Ablative, vt constat ex supradictis: And for this reason we say, verbs of receiving or taking away require an Ablative case.  
But for opus and usus, they have no need of an Ablative case, because they have nothing left to furnish it with, unless it be that odious devil Penuria. Notwithstanding Adjectiva quae copiam significant, Ablativo gaudent, interdum & genitivo: for those which have plenty, shall find a way to be empty; and those which are full, shall have a gull; and though in the night they obtain their delight for a little space, yet they shall pay, if they live but till day, for their embrace.  
Now of all rules in Syntax this is the chief, to wit: Verba dandi sunt praecipua in schola Amandi. And Verba promittendi sunt optima juncta verbis solvendi: otherwise they are as bad as impersonals: But est pro habeo is a strange rule; and Nomen praemii is of great esteem, and never is at rest, till it rest in Ablativa: This she case is that which bags up all this school; for my female train no sooner see one loaded with golden pockets, but they immediately salute him with an easement, saying, Ego hoc te fasce levabo; it is reason you should do so, answereth the woodcock again; because Adjectivo et verba abundandi, implendi & onerandi Ablativo gaudent: and thus he yields up the souls of his pockets for hopes of a smile, an embrace, or a kiss.  
The Gerund in Do, is that which commandeth friendship, and obtaineth it also: but the Gerund in Dum is whipped out of our schools for a lazy companion; for our Actives have no gerunds in Dum, and therefore they govern no case here; for since this gerund cannot possibly be put in the Dative case, there is no hopes that the Ablative shall reap any profit at all by it; and therefore we expulse him for a dumb and mute person, who wanting speech to express his freeness, he can no way become capable of our method.  
It is a special rule without exception, that all Supines require a Dative case, and then an Ablative: for it is so infallible, as the whole roll of Supines can testify, that never Supine fell upon pallet, unless she had received a fee from the Dative case, since you know that the Genitive is a soleasme, if not conected with the Dative: and in this consisteth the chief congruity, because there is no true Syntax either in composition or construction, except the Dative case, and the personal masculine bear company and present his power to the personal feminine, which is always accommodated with an Ablative dish to convey her lover's kindness into the closet of never be seen again. Nor far distant from this class was another hall over whose entrance this was inseulped.  
Jpse licet venias Musis comitatus Homer, 
love's school of Poetry.   
Si nihil attuleris, ibis Homere foras.  
This is prosodia or the school of Poetry, said Cupid, where my darlings study to congratulate their Donatists, presenting them with Odes or lyrics, some bearing the face of epithalamiums, Soterian hymns, and eucharistical sonnets, and many other witty epigrams, and anagrams: The feet on which our verses run, are but two kinds; the one is Spondaeus, which imports as much as Spend-on-us; the other is Molossus, it is a foot, whose shoe is made by the long last, which is the man's foot, for that which it includes of the loss; because the more they poetize, the more is their loss of store.  
Our chief strains or meters are heroic, and Scazon, because of all sorts they are most numerous, in which we most properly delight, for in all sorts of Doctrine we only instruct that which is most large; and since in these kinds there are as well short syllables as long, for the short we select and entertain peculiar figures very useful for the extension & reaching of their short-legged nature, inducing art to help nature: In the first order we constitute three, to wit; Prothesis, Epenthesis, and Paragoge, for these are friends to the females, as properly appertaining to the men, who always add and never take away.  
Yet the women challenge the other three, as prime properties belonging to their profession, which are, Aphaeresis, Syncope, and Apocope: nevertheless the busy blades many times carry away a pock-a pee in their linings, which my weather beaten widgins bestow upon them, that they may not say they have lost all.  
Systole and Diastole are in great request; for he that gives with Diastole's hand, & Systoles fingers, is in short time made free in our court: but he that comes with his pockets stuffed with nothing but Synalepha's and Eclipsis, is served like unto a sheep in June, turned forth for a bare-necked ewe to seek a new ruff for that piece next below his coxcomb.  
Here Cupid commanded me to sit down, for that one of these damsels had an intent to gratify her generous servant with a few strains, for the courtesies he had enriched her with. I obeyed, and being set the sweet Paranassean nymph began in this form following.  
Of Hippocrene old poets highly sing,  
And of the lower bath Beotia's spring:  
Of Tagus we, and golden-chanelled Herme,  
Two greater glories in one glittering therm.  
The Maiden nymphs, that haunt these fluid streams  
Stretch forth sweet strains to praise Apollo's beams.  
We to Apollo dedicate our will,  
For that his golden locks our hands do fill.  
My Gallant here presents to me this God,  
Golden Apollo, or Golden was his load.  
Should I commend him? no●, that's flattery:  
I love him, and his load, his liberty.  
Thy often entrance, sweeting, i adore;  
But thee, or gold, i dare not speak, which more:  
Yet this I'll say: let Tagus be still mine,  
And my best Hippocrene shall all be thine.  
Bring Hermus with thee, that adorns my eye,  
And my sweet Helicon shall be thy joy.  
I Nymph will crown thee with Apollo's bays,  
As oft as thou presentest me with his rays.  
This said, she made a low courtesy to her servant, and departed to a private closet, as I thought to lay up her gold, whether it was so or not I am not certain, because the young gallant traced her forth, and tickled her too, as a man would probably imagine, because she laughed so heartily. But not to betray her, nor ourselves to time, Cupid lead me away through an obscure vault, where ascending a degree, as I thought, higher than before, I glanced my eyes upon a garland of painted flowers, which was so lively penciled and garnished with proper colours, that the laborious bees imagining it to be real, were no less deceived in their search, than the birds were with Zeuxis grapes. Within this circular posy was impressed this piece of discipheration, as a true information to all that thirsted to pass the port.  

love's school of rhetoric.  He that will learn to win by smooth persuasion,  
Must practise much the topic called Donation,  
Strowing the path by which he means to pass  
With the sweet flowers of yellow-faced Midas,  
So shall he find all easy to his will;  
Come in at's pleasure, and be welcome still.  
Not far from hence we entered into an ample hall, sumptuously beset with variety of flowers; and upon a double column were placed two statuas of an indifferent stature, which the curious art of workmen had varnished over with gold, enamel, and a beauteous order of pearl mixed with sapphires, rubies, and emeralds.  
As I stood gazing upon this strange Colossus, Cupid said to me, now you are in the school of rhetoric: and these two which you so seriously admireare, the most famous orators, that antiquity celebrateth; the which we likewise adore as chief gods of this class: the one is Marcus Tullius Cicero; the other is Demusthenes: Demosthenes, you would say, answered I; No friend, it is Demusthenes, the which you may understand if you but ponder the word, and reflect upon our institution: wherefore I intending my eyes more earnestly upon the object, found under Marcus Tullius this motto: A nomine & argento disces: and under the other I read this: Dimidium nominis non indiget Rhetoricâ.  
But because I would not err in the interpretation hereof, I entreated Cupid to aid me with an explication; to whom he said: for the first which is under Marcus, to wit; A nomine & argento disces: that is to say, From my name and from silver you shall learn; You know that Marcus, or a mark is a certain sum of money, which is made of silver. Therefore from my name (saith the motto) which is a mark, and from the matter, which is silver, of which the mark is made, you shall learn more rhetoric in this school of Love, than all my orations, and all my works can teach you.  
The other which is, Dimidium nominis non indiget Rhetoricâ: to wit, half my name needeth no rhetoric.  
Whereupon Cupid asked me which was half the name: I answered him Demus: observe then the sense hereof, said Cupid. He that says Demus, needs no rhetorical colours, no tropes, figures, circumlocutions, nor any of those inticing flourishings: for with one Demus he shall persuade more than ever Demosthenes did with all his eloquence.  
Your rhetoric then, said I, is more facile, then that which is taught in extern schools, those I mean which Tully and others have prescribed a method unto, because they are not so much dependent of tropes, and schemes, and other difficult members, which instruct Ciceronian rhetoric. It is confessed answered Cupid, and therefore our number is the greater, according to the saying of the ancients: Faciliora acquirunt numerum, difficultas sapientiam n●trit. But yet (although the grand topic is that which appears in a golden vestment) our school is not destitute of tropes and figures, since that we select many very necessary for the better performance of our rhetoric, the which are lights and facilitations to these which be of a slow performance▪ some of which appertain to the male, some to the female sex: for example, the women courtiers, although they endure not delays▪ yet they are much addicted to the figure Gradatio, especially if their pretendent rhetorize in Condaplicatio, and through the faithful solution and sweet series of consent they couple and lovingly rest themselves upon the palladel Polysindeton, or Multiplex conjunctio.  
Of all the useful tropes those two are chief which my girl's practice, to wit; Hyperbole, and Catacresis, which in Latin are called Mendacium, and Abusio; to which their silly believers answer with Subjectio and Reticentia. Similitèr desinens is tuneable figure, which is ever sang when the petitioner so dazzles his beloved's eyes with curious and rich objects, which she converts to be her subjects, as than his, and now hers, when I say such a feast unites her will to his, than they withdraw and rhetorize in Similitèr cadens.  
We use no Metaphors, but all in private amongst the women, for fear the men should learn them; for seeing such like tropes are alienated from their Virgin sense, and wrested to sound one thing in words, and another in deeds, they must be shut up from the knowledge of so much cunning; and therefore we satisfy them with a certain number of figures, as figurae per additionem, which are the true touchstone of a generous mind; likewise we inuse them with those per similitudinem, to prick them on with the conceit of dignity, if they imitate those that are most liberal, setting it down for a principle, that he cannot be a good and exquisite rhetorician, that maketh not an ostentation of his larga manus.  
But the women are expert both in tropes and figures; tropes to delude their adorers, who suppose their real words to be full or real meaning, when as they only commit a few compliments more to inflame their simplitians hearts, and to feed their own toyish fancy, than any reality; for they abhor it worse than the pox.  
All figures which come per detractionem, belong to the women, as Dissolutio, Refractio, and many more ejusdem farinae, all takers and dissolvers of their servants substance.  
We practice also in Topickes, and first we begin with Notatio, sive Etymologia, which is both according to us and Cicero, defined, Indagatio originis: and by this we search out the true primitive of our courtiers, and provide his place correspondently. I do not mean, that we exalt and dignify him according to his parentage, but his patrimony: for if he be of a great estate, he is presently annexed to the topic à Causis nobilioribus; because the cause of greatest preferment here, is that which proceedeth out of the nobility of riches; and thus we draw him on with the plausible appearance and evident probability, that he shall practise the topic à conjugatis, when we but only delude him with a rhetorical slight, extracting in the interim the very marrow of his purpose, & so leave him in the perceivance of that à Contrariis: so that he poring upon that ab effectibus, finds himself so ignorant and uncapable of the sweet topic de adjunctis, that he falls into the woeful knowledge of Repugnantia.  
The chief argumentation we use in this our rhetorical class, is either framed by a Sorites, or Dilemma. By Sorites, to make the pretendents strive in generosity, we protract our discourse in this wise. He that giveth most, finds most instructors, (or destructers) he that finds most instructors profiteth most, he that profiteth most, taketh most degrees; therefore, à primo ad ultimum, he that giveth most, taketh most degrees: but yet after this induction or gradual deceit we argue secretly per violationem, and begin our orative composition, of which we have two kinds, to wit, Oratio demonstrativa, by which the self conceited wretch explicates & demonstrates at large the perfections of his best wished objects, and the men are obliged to say nothing more, than what they can make manifest by proof, yet they are tied to insist upon the praise of their Mistresses, and if they betwixt ignorance and benevolence, chance to sin against truth (as oft they do) through the furious apprehension of their unlawful hyperboles, and are confuted of it, than we make their purses fetch off the fine, which their eagerness led them into: for such kind of orators are forced to satisfy the virgin with gifts for the wrong they have done in belying her beauty, modesty, discretion, or the like.  
The women, when they have received presents either from the obliged or voluntieres', they Rhetorize in oratione deliberativa, deliberating whether their servants deserved for this, or no; and in this kind of discourse they are so witty, being still aided with dilemmicall arguments, that they catch and let loose again as often as they please, and in so dubious a manner, that their gazing Auditors become no less ready to present again, then drowned in confusion which way to interpret the reality of their mistress's oration.  
Some times my females ascend the Pulpit provided with oratio funebris, but this only when a rich Devotist suddenly departs this life, and leaves his Mistress heir of all; then she laments his death in words filling the air with lacrymable syllables, although her heart leapeth for joy and alacrity, that he is gone.  
The women also extend their voices in genere orationis demonstrativo, but most frequently, when their impoverished servants fail to perform their amorous suits, they use the oration in vituperium, which they freely bestow upon those vagabonds that have so long been slaves to their wills and their own misfortunes.  
But friends, we lose time in these inferior Classes, let us now proceed to the more noble liberal arts; which said, Cupid brought me to a double leaved door, upon which were painted many horrid and unknown monsters, chimeras, and mere pictoricall fictions, with many conceits, in the midst thereof was this hexasticon.  

love's school of logic.  If you with women in our logic school  
Desire to argue, still observe this rule:  
First with obeisance ask their free consent;  
Then put in Darj your whole argument.  
So shall you soon conclude, and please them too,  
'Cause in Celarent they will answer you.  
I had no sooner comprehended in my judgement and memory this stroph, but we entered into a very fair and spacious hall, all thronged thick with a great number of gallants, both men and women; men of all ages, or at the least from those which Terence terms ex ephoebis, to those which I term ex rebus, or without money, who passed away for bank●outs: but the women were for the most part all young, few or none exceeding thirty years of age: all were set down, and gave ear to a grave, and something ancient matron or moderatrix, who was seated in a most resplendent pulpit, studded with pearl and the most precious gems the Indians can afford; she jointly with all her disciples made a very humble obeisance at our entrance to their Regent Cupid; and the grave Matron began in this manner.  
Logic, which you are to be instructed in, is that, which hath for its formal object ens rationis, and not without cause, since ens rationis habet fundamentum reale; that is to say, a real, or more significant, a rial for its foundation, which is a piece of money so called; for you must know that the male kind are those that are to stand of the material part of our logic, and the female on the formal: since therefore the foundation or material object consisteth of royal, it is convenient that the formal should be ens rationis, and appropriated to the women kind, who after a present of reals, as the Spaniard calls them, or rials as we term them, than the women make a congratulory discourse which can be called nothing more properly but ens rationis; quia discurrit circa ens reale: for if this real and royal subject were not, this ens rationis converteretur in ens chimaericum, & mere fictum.  
Since therefore (proceeded she) we have already concluded of the object both material and formal of this scence, it follows now that we prosecute our intent: and in speaking this she opened a very fair manuscript, at the fight wherefore every one provided their hands and pens to write what she should dictate unto them: in this preparation Cupid invited me to sit down, which I accepted of without ceremony, and she began as followeth.  
Species, as Aristotle defineth it, est illud, quod praedicatur de pluribus numero differentibus in quid. This is our chief predicable, in the definition of which, you must note three things: the first is species, the second numerus, the third is quid: by species we understand gold, silver, jewels, &c. by numerus, is meant twenty, forty, a hundred pounds; so many rings, bracelets, diamonds, or the like: by quid is understood the substance or pure essence or quiddity, which must be without any deceit or chemical sophism: as for example, when your servants present their devoted liberty▪ you ask what species is the present of? they answer; of gold: you ask again what number? they answer, an hundred pieces: you ask the third time, saying, quid: they answer, gold of the best, and most current coin: or if you will exclude this particle quid, because you must not look a given horse in the mouth, you may exchange this quid, into quale or quantum, quomodo or vbi, and hereby receive a sufficient information of the gift presented.  
Note also, that whereas other schools treat of individuum, we except it, not to enter into our logic: for since individuum est illud quod non dividitur, and again no man is admitted into this class to participate of our Doctrine, qui non dividet seipsum à substanti●s suis, therefore such like caytives are excluded tanquam individua vaga; such as these, are usurers and co●●●●ous ca●les, that shall sooner pass through the eye of a needle, then through our school door: for we hold this to be infallible, that he cannot be a real lover and true soldier in Cupid's university, that loves his money better than his Mistress.  
Here the grave Matron fixed a period to her discourse, and her disciples intended their eyes and minds upon that which she had delivered unto them; whereupon I took an occasion to ask Cupid what other predicables they observed; to which he made answer, saying: we have another which is Proprium, this consisteth in two points; the proprium or chief property of the men is to give, and the chief property of the women is to take.  
But, said I, why did not the Matron begin with Vniversale in communi; because, answered Cupid, it is and must be a stranger to all men that frequent my university; for you know Vniversale in commuini ex se non descendit ad particularia, which amongst us is more abhorred than any thing else; as for example, he that is universal in all kind of wealth, and descends not to present this some of money, that jewel, or so, such a man is termed Vniversale in communi, whom we entreat to favour us with his absence, because his presence is cane pejus & angue: notwithstanding the females are acquainted with this Vniversale, in which we instruct them in private conference: and the reason why they are more familiar with it, than the men, is, because they must yield as little as possible may be to their courteous requests, and therefore stand indeterminate towards this or that whe●● they are in common, lest this perceiving himself neglected, should refuse to perform his accustomed gratuities: for you must know that these men which you see here, are all pretendents o● suitors, and so are likely to continue; for if they should once obtain their suit, they would no more be scholars of my university, but courtiers in Hymen's court: and therefore we instruct the females so, that they shall never consent to Matrimony (although they become subject to the topic multiplex conjunctio) but remain inderminate to any one, yet with a liking eye to all.  
Genus is not read publicly in this class, by reason of that which it includes of Vniversale.  
Accidens also is a very dangerous predicable to admit of; for that wc● it containeth of separabile, unless it be understood, as we term it, cautiously, and in san● sensu, that is to say, when the woman receive the men's indulgence, then have the women licence to use Accidens separabile, because they have ever an enlargement granted either to gratify or not gratify in words, and therefore they use both accidents and separability; but yet accidens inseparabile is in more respect amongst all, for that which it favoreth of inseparability, as the men's treasure is inseparable from the women; but being an accident, we utterly disannul it out of our common wealth, because we must be certain of all we have promised; and for this reason we banish from the men's knowledge all accidents, and reserve inseparability; that is, what we heap up in our Crys●thecary is inseparable, and not to be parted with.  
But for that predicable which others call differentia, we constitute Vnio: for being that we pretend love, and Interest for love, we abhor all difference; as a mortal enemy to our quietness; and in stead of such disturbance, we place Vnio, which we d●fin to be quies amica ex coacervatione causata: for if there be not coacervatio or aggulatio nummulosa, there will be no quies amica: quies there may be, because we shall constrain such a penurious pretendent to depart in peace: This is the beginning of our logic, or our Organ of Interest.  
Next ensueth the tract de Antepraedicamentis: the first whereof be Vnivocum and Aequivocum: Vnivocum belongeth to the men, because it is a real and true hearted expression of their good & generous intention, upon which the females build the strong walls of their certainties, which are vowed by their pretendents' promises: Aequivocum of the contrary is an inseparable quality appertaining to the females, who seldom speak what they think, and as seldom think of any benefit, but their own: for this female train is never perfect in our logic science, until they be complete in two things: the one is Equivocation, which is the prime in this school; the other is sophism, without which none of my she disciples entertains a suitor, unless she be accompanied with a tutoress; for of these two we compose the allegorical tongue, which is defined aliud verbis, aliud sensu, and unless the amorous female be expert in this deceiving art, she is in hazard to betray herself to truth, and violate her own modesty by our liberty.  
Next to this follows the last antepredicamentall lecture, which we term praedicatio; and this is twofold; which is concretum & abstractum: and it is ordered in such a sort, that the men, or masculine Logicians make their full handed predication in concreto, and the female in abstracto, abstracting and taking away the concretion of their store, to feed and pinguifie their lean and avaricious desires; in this consisteth our primae & secundae intentiones logicales, which are not here actus intellectus, but actus manuales, quoniam in schola▪ Amoris manus magis quàm intellectus exercentur. But to be short, I will recount briefly unto you the series and number of our Predicaments.  
First therefore know, that we are not altogether of the opinion of Aristole, and therefore we teach not so many predicaments as he doth: but yet praedicamentum substantiae, as it is the prime with Aristotle, so is it with us, and so necessary, that what pretendent soever is not furnished with substantia, is excluded totally out of the predicament of Love.  
The predicament of quantity is in exceeding estimation amongst us, and he is only judged amiable, proper, and complete in all parts, that is furnished with the greatest quantity of gold or other treasure, and without this he is more deformed than Cerberus, the contemptiblest picture they can fix their eyes upon, whom we term minimum naturale.  
But Praedicamentum qualitatis is of no more reckoning here, than a penny less purse; for we never inquire of the quality of the man, but the quantity he brings with him.  
Relatio is very famous in our school, and it is defined (according to the ancient and full experienced Philosophers opinion) Relatio dicitur illud, quod id quod est, aliarum esse dicitur: by this definition it most manifestly appeareth, that all the men have belongeth properly to the women: peruse it seriously and you will easily consent unto the same: Relatio dicitur iluld, Relation is that thing, to wit that substance, which, what or how great soever it be, it is to be appropriated to others, to the women, which is evident by the word aliarum; & not to be delivered back again, because we admit not of any relation, but that which is non mutua; and although all be in one school, yet all have not the same step of dignity: but he is in the first and most eminent place, qui in pretiosiori quantitate fundat relationem suam.  
But now if I shall name that predicament, which maketh all the rest nameless, let me say no more but Habere: for this is it to which all other are reduced, they all sleep in this haven; if you will know more than ever Aristotle did, you need no more than the predicament habere: habere mollifies the hardest rock, the flinty heart becomes fluid if but touched with the diamond habere; habere is sufficient to conquer impossibilities: The predicament Quando, after the petition is granted, is not complete until it accord with habere: ubi is not fully established in certainty, until it meet with habere; neither would here be any amorous embraces of the pleased couple, no actio nor passio without habere: and to conclude, habere is so transcendent, that nothing is had without it.  
And although we could reduce not only all the predic●ments, but also the whole volume of logic to this de habere; yet to be more complete and course like, we trace on with Aristotle's method, picking out what is useful for our purpose, and excepting the remainder; and therefore to show you more exactly our logic school, mark the sequel.  
Next follows the book called Peri-hermenias', seu de interpretatione, and this interpretation properly accepted of with us, is a rich presen●, which interpreteth s● plainly, that there is not a woman in my university, be she never so dull of apprehension, but she understands it so clearly, that she carrieth all away, at once hearing it: we treat here first de nomine & verbo: nomen est vox significativa ad placitum sine tempore: this nomen is either gold, silver, or such like, which is so significative a voice semper ad placitum, always pleasing, always grateful, and sine tempore, or extempore, because if this word be once spoken, it must be performed with all expedition, since they women abhor delays, and for this reason we exclude verbum, because it is cum tempore, it demurs so long, that my females grow weary and impatient of the expectation.  
But yet we admit of one verb, which is est, because it is a verb substantive, or a substantial verb; but this verb est, is never in its prime, until it be set for habeo. we use verbum ofttimes, but not as Aristotle doth, for a verb, but for a word, as a conjunction, because Verbum à verbero derivationem accipit, and the best sounding word to the Petitioner is the free monosyllable Yes, which causeth the malevolent particle, No, to be excommunicated out of love's limits; because we teach no contradictions, nor contraries, but term the denial of a Petition, to be degenerous and want of true education: for suppose a woman should crave of her courtesan this or that ring, jewel, or the like, what an absurd sound would the base and harsh sound of No, or I will not, make? nay, although he should put it off with an Excuse me, yet would it be taken for so heinous a crime, that his Mistress would ever after excuse herself from his presence.  
But now to speak something of the Tract De arte inveniendi medii, which we otherwise call Pons asinorum, this is all framed of precious stones, whose cement is gold and silver; the ass that is able to build this Bridge, invenit medium, he find out the middle, which he so long solicited and sought for: but the other crew of weaker sillies bestow all their labour and cost in vain, because they shall never attain to the depth of that punctum reflectionis.  
As for the syllogistical moods, we content ourselves with a few abhorring the b●u●ish condition of Barbara, and adoring that of dani: the men must use an especial care, lest they conclude with Zelantes, for he that puts his confidence in this mood, shall infallibly be convinced, and in the end of the disputation, shall be obliged to begin a new argument all in dabitis.  
When we come to the Priors, or demonstrative part, we place the men before the women; and than the cathedraticall Mistress proceeds in this manner. Demonstratio est syllogismus procedens ex veris, primis, immediatis, notioribus, prioribus, causisque conclusionis: In this Science the men are only doctrinated, not that they shall find out all or any fallacies by the evidence hereof, but because they shall beware, that they practise nothing, but what is the real truth; and therefore they syllogize ex veris, because they must not use any deceit or flattery towards their Mistresses; ex primis, because they must first give ●o them, bofore they can hope for the least courtesy; ex immediatis, because their very appearance imports, without any intermission or mediancy, a present to the females, as a true token of their prime love; ex notioribus, to induce the women to know their own adorers, and those better, that give most liberally; for you know Demonstratio est syllogismus faciens scire; it must also be ex prioribus, for that in our schools prior est datio pecuniaris, quam receptio amplexaris; this syllogistical discourse ought likewise to be ex causis conclusionis; the conclusion that our men aim at is an amorous clasp, that which the women desire, is a Cupidineous gripe closing a golden see, and nothing is able to cause this clasp or recumbens-subtegmine lecti, but bursa plena liberaliter offerta ad amicam.  
But now, said Cupid, we have overstayed our time, let us pass to the next school, which, as Aristotle styles it, is de physico auditu, and we with him proceed to the same school, although we differ both in title and form; and without any delay, Cupid brought me to a very fair Port, on which I read this which followeth: 
Two principal per se, matter and form,  
This class of physic chiefly do adorn: 
love's school of physics, or natural Philosophy.   
The matter's heaps of Gold, and riches free;  
The formes oblation, beanteous Phila's fee.   
The perusal of this tetrastick struck me immediately into a difficulty, whereupon I emboldened myself to stay the God, and asked him, why and how Gold could be called the matter in this Tract, since that Aristotle in the first book of physics, saith, that matter or materia prima est chaos, caeca farrago, or rudis indigest aque moles: So is Gold, said Cupid, it is a Chaos, because you see it confounds all men; it is caecum, quiareddit omnes caecos propter ejus amorem: it is also rude, because it makes most that possess it rude and vicious.  
It is very certain, said I, but Aristotle treats here de primis principiis; de illis, scilicet, quae primo constituunt compositum naturale. It is very true, answered Cupid, and for that cause I have often said, that we exempt ourselves from being strict Aristotelians: For you must know, that we are already actuated or formed according to nature's composition; and therefore, as I even now said, this school is not properly called De physico auditu, but De Cupidine auditu: and therefore, since nature hath made us perfect in the first mixtion, we account it frivolous, to search or repeat that which Aristotle hath searched out for us, that is, by what means it came to pass, what concurrence was used, and the like: but now we search that which is most semblant and agreeable to our condition, I mean our institution: and because Gold and other treasure are substances and natural mixtures, as these my females and masculine flock be, speaking of that which belongeth to natural composition, and abstracting from the formal perfection of this or that, only insisting on those ingredients which are matter and form, deriving their generating cause from one and the same body as an universal cause, which is calor solis, I find no difference, but a great similitude: and therefore we set down Gold and such like estimable substances to be the matter of this our physical study, and oblation to be the form, without which our study is to no purpose, nor the composition which we sweat for is no composition, because without oblation there is no union, no complementive actuality, which we call Completio amorosa: these therefore, as I have said, sunt principia per se nostra physicae, & totius philosophiae; which imimports as much as I had said of our natural appetite, because Cupid or Cupid is the objective guide herein.  
With this answer, although it was not ab essentia rei petita, but a mere diversion, yet unwilling to be overtedious to the God of Love, I rested as if I had been fully satisfied; upon the pause whereof we entered the class. I could discover few or none here, that were not in action and passion; the Courtiers giving, and the Courtieresses receiving. In the midst of this Hall lay many heaps of Gold, Silver, Diamonds, and other sorts of treasure, at the resplendent glory whereof I was almost distracted: at which Cupid (perceiving my amazement) asked me what I thought of this so beauteous a Treasure-house.  
To whom I said, this is the practical part of yond logic class: Why so? said Cupid: because, answered I, my fancy apprehends all these laborious asses to be busied in the study De inventione medii; and these heaps of Gold and precious stones I take to be the materials with which they intend to build their pons asinorum: No, no, answered Cupid, this aggregatum per accidens is our philosopher's stone, and those that concur not to the augmenting and raising up of these beauteous banks, these Phoebean hillocks, these Love-starres, which the World terms earth's Planets, for the uncertain Mansion they have to dwell with this or that amorous Courtesan, those, I say, that add not to these Idols, are not taken to be Lapidary men, but a certain kind of jumenta, or rather bomenta, which are commonly called eunuchs, because they shall never make use of their entail, for that they add not the previal disposition which makes the formal connection: for indeed my females say, that such kind of pedlars shall not enter into their Shop, unless they had ready money, because they never use to trust any man in that kind.  
Then I entreated Cupid to better my understanding with some instructions of the Method that was observed in this school, who freely began in this manner. Physica is as much as to say natura: and therefore this school and study is of natural things; neither is there any one that truly endeavoureth in this Science, except he loveth it; for this is the generating of wisdom, by reason of which he is called a Philosopher; and for no other cause, then that he is a lover of wisdom. This supposed, I conclude that all here must of necessity be Philosophers (as for naturalists or physicians, it is most evident by the Tract, that they be the same) because they are not only lovers, but also lovers of wisdom. I was not able to contain myself within the limits of silence, but I injected obviously the difficulty which met my attention, as I gazed upon Cupid's preamble, saying: It appears unto me (pardon my bold attempt, O divine Cupid) that you give these your Disciples a false appellation, in calling them Philosophers; and my judgement rather names them Philochrysers, because their study is only of Gold and treasure, as the portal script manifesteth, and not of wisdom.  
You say well in giving them this Character; but yet you are extremely deceived, answered Cupid, if you rob them of the name of Philosophers; for in this class the men study and contemplate of the beauty of their Goddesses, and the women of the beauty of their riches; this beauty (for sure there is beauty in both) is a celestial gift flowing from the will of the increated wisdom, and in this respect I see no opponent reason can debar them from being truly styled real Philosophers; nay more, there is not one gem, a piece of gold or silver, or any estimable thing else that my Damsels stretch their invention to compass, but they descant and contemplate the beauty, valuation, and perfections thereof, extolling gold above silver, and Diamonds above gold, not only for that the common constitution of men hath given this an ascent in value above that, but also for the poignant virtues, qualities, and superior qualities contained in one, more than in the other: can you then impugn me with a negation, that these are not true Philosophers, and this true Philosophy? and therefore to wipe away clearly the blot in your clouded apprehension, and restore you to your intellectual sight; you must know, that our gallants admiring the beauteous blaze of their Mistresses &c. they study how to gratify so much worthiness with condign praemiums, and therefore find it necessary to dive into the knowledge of this Philosophy to arrive at the true Science of all perfections contained in these natural ornaments, these precious metals, and Indian lustres; and having obtained the verity hereof, they make the most worthy to become presents or speakers to interpret their Master's wills; and this is the end of their Philosophy, to offer homage in these to their most amiable Objects.  
And the beauteous Minions likewise gratify their servants with virtuous smiles, modest looks, affable speeches, celestial glances, courteous behaviour, and sister-like embraces, which could not be performed but by wisdom's permission, which they likewise understand and perfectly know: neither is our philosophical Science haled by so foreign a reduction, but affirmatively it is a true limb of Philosophy, such as physic is; for it really includeth wisdom, and therefore is sufficient to style our proficients Sophi, and sophae, who being also Lovers, why should we doubt to call them Philosophi and Philosophae, or lovers of wisdom.  
But, said I, you involve me in another cloud, because you seem to contradict your former discourse, where you say the women practice virtue, modesty, and such good attributes, because your females now licentiates, and therefore not bound to observe these rules. It is true, said Cupid, but yet you find not that they are prohibited to use the same: Moreover, if you reflect your eye upon the antecedent class, you shall find, that the women are Sophisters or Fallatians, who with their artificial veils so blind the eyes of their Enamorists, that they take this coined show of virtue to be real, when it is only apparent and not durable, a mere fiction, and nothing but superficial: for who will seem more modest and virtuous, than she that intends to deceive, and under this pretence the deceit passeth more easily, because it is not suspected at all.  
But I pray you let us proceed, said Cupid, for we have many schools to visit, and times Chariot wheels away with great speed. Content, quoth I, for I am sorry I detained you so long from your desire. Then, said Cupid, you know our schools are the schools of Interest, where the women aim at treasure, the men at beauty, and both at pleasure: the men aim at the possession of beauty and pleasure without respect of gold, or any riches he can attain unto, which makes so many of them to sing the second part of their life in a new and lamentable tune, to wit, for God's sake clothe my nakedness, for Christ his sake relieve my hungry and thirsty soul. The women aim at riches and pleasure, without regard of beauty; for let him be a Moor or Gipsy that courts them, if he bring the golden key, he unlocks their modesty's Closet door, and enters as freely, as a known Puritan into his own Congregation: Nay, I dare be bold to avouch, that if such a pretendent had a bottle nose as big as a bunch of Grapes of ten pounds, a ruby chin, a strawberry pair of cheeks, a vermilion forehead, a breath more odious than his Mistresses close stools lining, and a head as bare as a Cabbage, let him be set forth with all these deformities, and have but a golden hand, he shall be admitted and have free entrance into her private presence, and act what part he desires, that hath been found in the comedies of pleasure: But the truly handsome, complete, and meritorious, that cannot show the face of a Jacobus, shall live aloof from gratia dei, the grace of our good liking; he shall pass by for vas vacuum, and be embarked in the Ship of scorn, to be conducted to the Haven of heaviness, and thrust upon the shore of, Never return again. I wondering at this diabolical institution, said to Cupid, no doubt but I am perpetually engaged to your Deities bounty, because I perceive you intend by this discourse to deter me from ever erring in the way of loving, or engaging myself to any Harpy in the world.  
Be not too audaciously confident, said Cupid, presume not any thing of my mercy; for by this I teach thee to defy all females, and prick thee on to lay hold of a thriving course, that when thou art grown substantial and strong in purse, I may bolt thee into my family once more, to consume thyself, as thou hast already done. When thou hast effected what industrious labour may sweep up for thee, then let the second effect be a true testimony of my power; for the poor state of my present fortune is not capable of my Dart. But to return to our purpose, listen, and I will declare the laws of this school.  
This physical appropriation, which we here similize under the shapes of peripatetics, I intend to show, in deciphering the difference betwixt our Doctrine and the Aristotelians, and in what points we accord: They hold, that there are four causes, materialis, formalis, efficiens, & finalis, and so do we: with us the material and formal are chief, with them the efficient and final.  
The material cause with us (as I have said) is treasure, which facilitates the intent of the amorous pretendent: it causeth affection to wait upon its glory; it prostrates the Virgin, and therefore compels the insatiable strumpet to fly into the golden embraces of her servants will: and if this yellow footed youngster treads but upon the toe of a wife, he makes her to forget her nuptial duty, being so unresistably inveagled with the lustre of this Interest: this makes the Raven white, and curtains up day in a thoral rug before the sun hath run half his diurnal course. Even Plato, and he that looks thorough as many dog's faces, as Cerberus, seem more lovely than Adonis, or Hylas, Alcides' boy, if he be but attired with this bracelet of plenty: Why then should not this our material cause be chief, and most excelling, since it bears most sway and efficacity: but yet it is not complete without oblation, which is the formal cause, which is that comfortable presentment, that unites the soul of the receiver to the thing received, and in that consisteth the formality of our schools of Interest: as for the efficient cause, it is the same with the formal, because the formal effects, whether it be efficiens principalis, or the secondary alarms so full of sweetness and delight, causa instrumentalis.  
But for causa finalis the women have none, because there is no end of their desire, that appetitive quality called auri sacra fames: neither is there any final cause for the men, until their substance is consumed, and nothing left to present to obtain correspondence with their Mistresses, for they hold this adage: ex nihilo nihil fit; ergo ubi non est aliquid dari, non opus est intentione finali.  
De continuo continuè agimus, and he that continueth in giving, is supreme in this class; neither is there any cessation to be admitted of, for he that will continue his correspondence, must continue also his liberal practice. The Continuum which we treat of, is not that which Zeno, the Pythagorians, and many moderns now adays define, but that of Aristotle, who says, that Continuum componitur ex partibus, non ex indivisibilibus, as they said; for these indivisibilia non faciunt quantum; ergo nec indivisibilia apud nos facere possunt acervum, ergo rejicienda.  
Here I desired Cupid to tell me what he meant by his indivisibilia; these are, said he, those poor diminutives, which others call pence; for we are of opinion, that pence are so small a beginning, that he who beginneth and continueth in giving pence, shall be so long before he make a sum worthy to be received, that he shall tire his Mistress so extremely with long expectation, that she leaves him, giving him a general acquittance for ever entering the schools of Interest, to pay any such dribbling debts hereafter; for our continuum is composed of parts, which the grosser they be the better they compose; these parts are five pounds, ten pounds, twenty, and so, when they have mounted to an hundred pounds, or the worth thereof, than we say they are perfect in continuo; and if he desire it, he passeth to the proof quomodo dua corpora possunt esse in uno loco; and at the end of this follows vacuum, which is proved ex parte viri, he having emptied his purse, which draws into the consequent tract, which is infinitum multitudinis ex parte mulieris; for the evacuation of his bags is the increase of her heap, quod nos vocamus infinitum syncategorematicum, quoniam per additionem fit, cujus non est terminus finalis, licet principium habuerit: And when this silly is shrived of his treasure, my females make his Mittimus, and send him to the jail called Terminus minimus quod non: that is, he shall be the least termer with us, quòd non habet unde dare.  
This said, Cupid drew a curtain, which discovered a lesser school, wherein I espied upon an Ebony Pulpit these words inscribed: 

Doctrina de Generatione & corruption. 
love's school of Generation and Corruption.   
Generation of Love, as we have defined it,  
Is the corruption of substance to those that do mind it.    
This is a pedagogical school, or a subdivision of Physica, where the true and most canonical conclusion is, Generatio unius est corruptio alterius: for the pinguitude of the women hath made the men like so many macelentoes, or meager thin-guts; for as the women profit in the tract de augmentatione substantiali, the men disprofitably profit in that de diminutione.  
But yet you must know, that this Treatise of ours is not that which Aristotle explicates, De generatione viventium, but De generatione mortuorum, that is, gazarum & nummulorum: and if at any time this vital generation succeeds, it is termed in our school, Per accidens, & non secundum intentum primarium & principal doctrinae nostrae: And in case my unexperienced Damsels should give occasion, or yield to their amorous embracers motions, and so slip into this doctrine, then incontinently they are sent to the class de medicina, as having a necessited coherence with that practice; for ubi desinit Physicus, incipit medicus: but if they are not in danger of protuberation, they ascend to the school where we teach and treat of the Meteors.  
We pass over many questions which Aristotle and other Philosophers have dilated: and one of the chief that the men are doctrinated in, is de actione & reactione, that action produceth best liking, that is diamondall, or all Diamond, the next is the golden action, which the more often it is reacted, the more it pleaseth: and without this kindness of reaction we should not hold condensation of our treasure heaps, and rarifaction of our courtier's coin; were it not for reaction, there would be no mixtion; for from reaction and the ponderous quality called Gravitas resultes in the females illa qualitas plumosa, cubiculosa, & jocosa, quam nos vocamus levitatem; And in speaking this we came to ano●her, which was adorned with this Character: 
The Meteorists cast up their studious eye, 
love's school of Meteors.   
To contemplate the wonders of the sky:  
We bring them down to earth from that high perch,  
Her Mines with fire-drakes and such like to search.   
I followed Cupid into this spacious room, where I beheld not so few as a thousand Mines, at the mouths of which men ascended and descended, as if they had been Bees: This, said Cupid, is the school of Meteors; where we chiefly intend not de illis, quae in sublimi generantur, sed potius de subterraneis; de fossilibus nimirum, & metallorum liquabilium extractione.  
Here I observed an infinite multitude with Comets in their hands, expecting to receive the 2sweet that dropped from their enamorists sweat, who still came loaded with gold and silver over, marching towards their Mistresses with every one a Torch of Ignis fatuus in their hands: some came and went accompanied with their caprae saltantes, others with draco volans, and many with ignis lambens, and to speak all, it was a true ignis lambens in the womens' hands, for that it licked away all the fruits of their poor endeavours, labour and toil.  
This great and mighty Vault was so furnished with the terrifying wonders, which use to appear in the skies, that I seemed something timorous to proceed; and in fine, Cupid perceiving my cautious steps to lose their accustomed distance, said to me, be not amazed man, for these Luminaries can no ways prejudice an old soldier; therefore walk with me, and I will declare the meaning of them.  
And pointing at one of the women that held in her hand Flamma, or Fax; that, said Cupid, is an inflammation which endureth but a short time, and for that cause she holdeth it in her hand, as you see, to notify that her lover's Mine is almost at an end: beyond them are Caprae saltantes, which signifies the mirth and joy which the newly honoured girls take, for that their servants have newly found out a Golden Mine: those that you see of your left hand with Stellae cadentes, are the signification of those that have fallen into poverty and purse-lameness, by adventuring too far for their mistress's sakes: Some men carry Lanceae, to signify their courage in behalf of their dearest; others negotiate with sidera discurrentia, to show their diligence to procure their fairest her desire: Many more we have, as Castor, and Pollux, ignis perpendicularis, trabs, Helena, columnae pyramidals, and such like, which are very useful for the unboweling of the earth's fertile womb, to discover the choicest and best pleasing mettles.  
Then he brought me to a sea, as I imagined, for although it was not Ocean-like, yet it was salt, and therefore I supposed it to be an arm of the Sea: Here, said Cupid, we treat not so exactly of the nature of the Sea, its ebbing and flowing, saltness, and such like qualities and properties, as we do concerning the several sorts of jewels herein, and the virtue contained in them: It was a wonderful sight to behold loves Mer-maids as they sat by the shore side, and the dexterity of their servants that dived into the bottom to search for pearl, ruby, Saphir, Diamond, and such like estimative gems; and if perchance one of the mistaken divers should unwarily present unto his expecting Mistress a stone of little or no value, she presently would cast such a cloud over her clearness, made all grim and horrid with frowns, that the affrighted puffin immediately pulled the water over his head, to veil himself in that cool Element from the heat of her disdain.  
And at this Cupid said, let us now pass to the school De medicina, at which I asked him, if there were nothing in these his philosophical schools De coelo & mundo. Yes, answered Cupid, we have much De mundo, and of this we treat in every class, because it is the prime and chief intent of our whole university; for this De mundo is not only conditio, sine qua non, but ex essentia nostrae philosophiae: for if it were not for the treasure of this inferior world, our schools of Interest would be but dumb caves, fitter for lamenters than lovers. We treat also De coelo, because coelum & sidera sunt causa efficiens metallorum in mundo, which we shall declare more copiously in our astrology, where we speak De coelo & coelestibus.  
And at this instant I had cast my eyes upon a new Inscription, or Theme, fixed upon the Portall entrance, which informed me of the inward method; saying thus: 

love's school of physic and chirurgery.  Loves Sicklings hardly able for to live▪  
Shall soon be cured if th' Recipe they give.   
The intelligence of this Letter had no sooner appeared in my apprehension, but I entered the place of medicinal practice, where I beheld a thousand beauties, whose profession I could easily imagine to be De medicina, or Cupid's Hospitalists although I had not been informed of the same by the Portall scripture, for that they seemed to kill with the Recipe of their eyes, not unlike the physicians with their druggish receipts: and I dare affirm that the effectual execution of those bits of paper in which they write their poisonous receipts, bereave more of vitality, than wars, famine, and the gallows.  
This spacious Hall had scarce received me, when the Batchelonists, Licentiates and Doctoresses flocked about me, supposing the God had brought me in to be cured of a love sick disease, and surrounding me in a ring, desired to feel my pulse, to whom I bowing in a courteous and thankful manner, stretched forth my arm, at which they all burst ou● in laughter: whereupon Cupid said to me, here the physicians accustom not to feel that pulse, but that of the purse; for by the pulse of the purse, they can easily discover whether the infirmity be remediable, or in probabilities to be cured.  
Without delay I drew forth my purse, and gave it to one of the gravest, and, as I supposed, most experienced, which she feeling, and finding empty, said, this sick man hath no pulse; to what purpose was he brought hither, being incurable? let the charitable ring his passing peal, and we will bury him in the Sepulchre of Oblivion. After her came the rest, who perceiving that my purses vital spirits were utterly decayed, they all unanimously extended their voices, saying; Memento homo quod pulvis es & in pulverom reverteris. Recede, recede, nam inst●t hora m●rtis tuae.  
Although I heard the terrifying noise of this their mortal sentence, yet was I not astonished at all, partly because I knew my infirmity was a consumption, and partly because the longs of my estate were quite spent, and last of all because I was overgrown with the leprosy of despair, that I should never see my own happy prosperity in this world, and therefore desired, and wished for my better fortune in the next.  
After this, we entered into another long and spacious Gallery, which Cupid told me was his Infirmary, where sat an orderly row of beauteous Dames, which at the first seemed to be Apothecaries wives, or hospital nuns, but Cupid said, they were his lover's Nurses, and servants to more. This Gallery was completely furnished with great store of beds, and every bed had on it a sick person, who after a small time of repose still arose walking male discontent, and as they men walked, they repeated continually these words, Terminus ambulationis est causa sanitatis; the sense whereof I presently understood; for the term of their walk was a visitation bestowed upon their seated attendants, ever presenting some thing of worth unto them, at the receiving of which the Doctoresses told them, that they were better than before, and prescribed unto them a walk in love's Garden; whereby I could not compare these love-sick wretches to any but prisoners, for before they sallied forth into the serene and wholesome air, they were continually condemned in new charges, neither could they obtain this freedom, until they had paid not only the sum they are damnified in, but also fees to the gardener.  
I observed that when these infirm persons came to the Doctoresses for remedy, being desperately sick, they took them by the pulses or purses, by which they judged the disease, and if they gave speedy pulsation, the Doctoresses assured them of life and cure, but if their pulses went uncertain and intercadentally, they turned away, shook their head, and said, there is no hopes of recovery, your malady is greater than my charity, unless you get a good strong pulse, we cannot cure you.  
I asked Cupid the cause that so many men were sick, and no women: yes, answered he, we have many women sick, although not such a number as there be men; the reason is, the men are sick, because they give not, and since there is an infinite number of men that refuse to give, and not the tithe of women that desist to ask, (for the want of asking is the womens' disease) therefore we have fewer women sicklings, than men: the men there are sick because they either know not how to give, or else neglect to give after they participate of the knowledge how, which is a more dangerous disease, ●nd of more difficulty to be cured: the women fall into sickness, because they neglect to ask, but yet they recover at the next asking; although the men give five times, before they recover their perfect health, for as long as they give sparingly, their recovery is prorogued; and he that holds fast his purse, as if he were benumbed, ●nd cannot u●tye the strings, this diseased fool shall hold fast his love-sick passion without the least hopes of any change, Nisi in pejus.  
The reason of this is semblanced from that which Galen affirmeth in his book De partibus, &c. that a knotted vein or sinew hindereth microcosmall operation; so that we, taking the purse to be the substance and the strings to be the veins or sinews thereof, judge a knotted pair of Purse-strings to hinder the operation of a lover's health or happy embraces. Whilst thus he discoursed, there presented to our view two persons, the one a man, the other a woman, and both very pale and weak, yet perceiving Cupid so near, the man after many cringes and congees presented to her asking words, saying, Recipe scrupulum auri uncius octo, & argenti infusionis anci●s octoginta▪ a strong potion thought I, but she took it up and carried it away without any Nausea at all, and immediately recovered, although the man seemed not perfectly well, yet his countenance was much amended.  
Then curiously perusing the proceedings of these miserable captives; I espied one very meager, and almost as like a Ghost as myself, who was almost spent with an extreme consumption of the purse, whose heartstrings were so fretted with the greedy vulture that preyed upon his coin, that he fainted at every turn; he showed the Doctoresses his water, which one of them took in her hand shaking it, the rest looking on, imagining it to have been aurum potabile, or argentum vivum, and when she perceived that it was neither yellow, like gold, nor white, like silver, but mere ruddy or melancholy muddy urine, she threw it away, and said, unless you depart from hence presently, and change the air, you are a dead man; for I find you in such a desperate and dangerous state, that I cannot endure to look upon your misery; and thus she sent him crawling away to recover his losses in a bottomless ocean, frustrate of his intention.  
Another I observed that was very costive in the way of liberality, to whom a vizarded witch gave a glister, that made him so gild her hands, not with that kind of gold which comes forth of my x Johne back give, but that which comes from the Mi●●●, whereby he recovered himself, and grew afterwards very laxative, both to his own content, and good liking of his attendants. There was another that had no stomach (I mean to part with any thing) the same woman gave him but half a do●en pills, and he both purged and vomited so much yellow ma●ter, like gold, and green l●mpes, much like unto Emeralds, that he had no sooner done, but they all confirmed him to be sound.  
But there was an extreme palsy-handed youngster; that could very seldom f●●de the way into his pocket, and when he had overcome that difficulty, it was ten times more hard for him to unthrew his box where his treasure was enclosed, for which crime he was ●●d to the university gate, blindfolded, ●●●ch-●●sted, and his pockets sowed up, and so expulsed for an incurable Idiot.  
I entreated Cupid to tell me, which of all these sick person, that he now ●ad, or at any time heretofore, was most grateful and best accepted of in all this his hospital: he answered, those that had the ●unning Gout, because there was something coming to those than t●nded them; and those also, that could purge freely at the hearing of this word, Give me; and finally those that vomit of their own accord: These are the best deservers, who have both best cure and most attendants.  
Then we directed our steps into another Hall, at each end whereof was a shop, the one of them an Apothecary, the other of a Barber: the Apothecary had in store suppositories, injections, and many more such like facilitations, to compel the hidebound caitiffs to a looseness, and supple freeness: there were also divers sorts of plasters, which Cupid recounted to me, as Dia palma, and emplastrum divinum to make them as generous as the Gods themselves: unguents in abundance, as Vnguentum basilicon for the men, and Vnguentum album, & unguentum aureum, to be given to the women: there were also syrups and conserves, to be administered to those that were become laxative; also gargarisms, Electuaries, Preparatives, Antidotes, and all sorts of purgations, and drugs necessary or convenient to expulse and drive away the tedious and detaining humours of such as were through denial or disdain become participants of love's infirmery.  
In the other shop the Barberesses were very busy in bloudding, cupping, leeching, scarifying, snipping, and cutting, whereby I perceived, that their condition was an extracting quality, still to take away what they never intended to restore. I observed also, that these barbarous Barbaresses never opened any vein, but the blood flowed still from Vena de arca: those that were desperately handled with favours, as being caused from the inflammation of their mistress's beauty, breeding a violent and insupportable passion in the amorous spectator, were shaved in the crowns, blooded, clipped, and stripped even to the shirt, for fear they should melt with ardour of their own heat, and inbred fire, and thus arrayed they were conducted to the cool baths of repentance.  
This observed and seen, Cupid directed his course forth from these Leeches, and I steered after him without being shaved, for I had not one crown, neither was I blooded, because they could not find the vein of my ark; nor yet was I purged, for that all the humour of my coin was consumed; neither was I cured, but rather in more desperate danger then heretofore, for that the tissicke of my short-stringed purse had stopped my pores, that opened the way to happiness and freedom. With this cogitation I arrived at an open pair of large gates, and casting up my head, beheld this verse taken out of the sixth book of the Prophet Maro, the hundred twenty and seventh verse: Noctes atque dies patet atri janui Ditis. 
love's Law school.   
And under the same was engraven this tetrasticon: 
The golden oil makes glib the mutest tongue,  
If this appear, no sentence can do wrong:  
Show not the weighty cause, but weighty coin,  
By this we judge the cause and suit is thine.   
This is, said Cupid, the grand hall of Pleaders, where men are clients, and women Lawyers, for whatsoever the men put in, the womens' Law stands: the clients here, for the most part, are rivals, or such as are accused of negligence in the case of giving; and he that will cast his opposite, must begin with a bribe, which we call a gratuity or ingress to the process of the suit: and if the Iseprise or nisi prius be preferred into the Court, before the party accused appears, he is condemned in costs, and immediately the accuser is obliged to mortgage his purse until he obtain a significavi, and if the peccant delay to appear, or at least to put in his lawful excuse, than the pleader instructs the Judge so sinistrously against the same party, that the matter proceeds to a declaration, which is ever grounded upon the a fide data, or Afidavi, and so the cause comes to an execution, and without demurring is brought to an attachment, which being served by the accuser, the peccant party is brought in, condemned of double costs, and fined to pay unto his neglected Mistress a hundred crowns sterling, for the discourtesy he had done her; or else to be cast into love's dungeon, which is a place of obscurity, whose walls are all painted and portratured with the visage of disdain, his diet being nothing but coy look, contempt, reproach, and sarcasmall flou●es; he hath at this examinating feast a set of braying Asses for his musicians, and never hears any songs but invective Odes, and Vinegar Satyrs.  
Yet you must understand, that although the party that is cast, is damnified, as I have related, yet the accuser doth not escape free, for look what the peccant's charges surmount to, the accuser is constrained to pay half so much to the lawyer's Box for the trouble and disturbance in the Court: For as in other commonwealths, he that conceals the crime of another man, is punished by the Law, as being an ill member of the public state, so if we, said Cupid, discover a Lover that keeps secret the faults of another, he is punished in purse; and if he accuse the delinquent as soon as he perceiveth his malice, yet he escapeth not scot-free, because he is bound to maintain the right and legality of our institution; so that he that speeds best, cometh off with loss; for our maxim is, Discordia minuit substantiam: and we hold another point, which is most rigorously observed, that is, Qui damnum alterius quaerit, ipse sibi damnum parit.  
I noting in the middle of this Hall a pair of scales, asked Cupid the use of them, who answered, by these we give judgement, not that they signify level justice; but according to the institution of our legal rights: for in one scale we lay the bribe or gratuity, and in the other the adverse cause, which if it be not accosted with a greater sum than the gratuity of the other is, the cause flies up, were it never so ponderous; for my professors say, that a penurious cause never finds either good close or clause; for if his case be not well fraught with substance, and clear shining like the Diamond, we judge it so airy and light, that none of my Counsellors will give directions in it, neither any barrister take it into the uttering mouth of his consideration; for all done here is God-a-mercy penny, for he that is guarded with the greatest troop of Angels, is certainly proclaimed victor. But now, said Cupid, let us proceed, and because time will not license us to visit my whole University, as I intended, for that the night is almost spent, you may observe the institution of the rest of my schools, as we walk, and I will likewise give you some brief notice of the same as we pass: and now we came to a port, which was thus portraitured: 

love's school of mathematics.  If that to mathematics you will climb,  
You must ascend up by the golden line;  
Our perfect circles are those solid things,  
Posied with James and Charles about the rings.   
This is the grand entrance to the schools of mathematics, which hath many ports, for that it hath many several arts contained within the latitude of its infiniteness: and this first is that which treateth of the elements mathematical, not much different from those, which Euclid hath recommended to posterity. We begin with linea recta, which is made of gold or silver wire, which is never perfectly recta, until it is in the possession of the Mathematician Ladies: It is impossible for any student to prove dari triangulum aequilaterum, unless every angle be equally tipped with pure ductible gold, because there is no true demonstration where gold appears not, neither can our young Gallants make good this principle, to wit, Omnis triangulus habet tres angulos aequales duolus rectis, unless the basis be of gold, and the whole triangle be pointed with Diamonds; for by the basis we are certified of the longitude of the rest of the lines, and by the Diamonds we collect first the equality or discrepancy of the angles, which joined together make just two straight angles, which position rectifies the uncertain lover so, that he and his Mistress agree in one and the same opinion of infallibility, both because she enjoyeth the figure and all it contains, and he the Science or experience of the same; but yet of all triangles, that which pleaseth the women best is the equilateral; the Isoschele is also in much request, because it hath one angle equal to one, and only one different; but the Scalenall triangle is of least esteem, because it consisteth both of three unequal lines, and as many angles, and therefore requireth most time and trouble in the verification of the same; yet none of them all are refused, because they are all beautified with a diamondall lustre.  
Of all angles, the acute angle is most in request, and therefore he that presents his offerings acutely and quick, is accounted the best Mathematician; for the obtuse angle, it is the signification of a dull and slow mathematician; and for this reason we never prove any thing by the extern angles, which in triangles are continually obtuse, but only what is contained within the figure evident to be seen.  
But yet you must know, that we treat not of lines indivisible as Euclid doth, but De lineis substantialibus, quae quanto grossiores, tanto sunt meliores, beatioresque illi, qui easdem adferunt; for this reason we treat not of superficies, ut superficies est propriè, but of superficies solidata, because we allow of nothing but what is solid, and consequently trinam habet dimensionem: Now to come to a quadrate, which is thus defined, Quadratum est figura quadrifariàm angulosa, cujus anguli sunt aequales, & recti.  
This is never practised, but when four pretendents or studious amorists solicit the same female in an equality of engagement; and therefore we term them a quadrat, because their liberal gifts are still presented, as I may say, in aequilibrio, not one exceeding his corrival; but when one outstrips the rest in generosity, we constitute this quaterniall crew to be a quadrangle, and no longer a quadrat, ever preferring him that is most bountiful and quick in freeness of hand and heart before the rest, and because he extendeth the quadrilateral company, and draweth them on to imitate his actions, we style him the acute angle.  
But now to speak of a difficult in mathematics, let us speak of a circle, which being defined, Omnium figurarum capacissimam esse, therefore most chargeable to be filled, but the most cost is required, when you will attempt to find out the centre; for this being the chief secret in all this class, and only in the womens' power to teach and instruct, and again since it cannot be found out, but by the semidiameter, which is very apt to err, unless your Mistress hold your compass and rule, and guide your pen, otherwise it is impossible to draw a straight line from the circumference to the centre which you desire, because the place, where you draw, is in perpetual agitation; and therefore to effect this, it is necessary you see her exceedingly, otherwise you shall not obtain her favour or your own freedom; nay, when by her direction, you have found out the centre, yet when you experience again, you must either bring your reward, or else you labour in vain to find out the same point. At the end of this discourse we came to the next Port, which was thus superscribed: 
If you in Fencing practice do take gust,  
And would at pleasure give a secret thrust: 
love's Fencing school.   
Let your bright Rapier still well pointed be  
With a rich Diamond or a golden fee.   
This is, said Cupid, our Fencing school, whose wards, thrusts, back-blows, venies, wipes, touches, cross-cudgeling, and under-pointed agility depend all of mathematical angles, such as we have abovementioned; very eager and boisterous are this active train, but yet there is no danger of homicide: the order is, that men shall fence against women, who although they chance to make a thrust against these weaker vessels, and pierce them at least two handful deep, yet the wound is not mortal, because the men have provided a plaster of yellow salve, and a pretty quantity of unguentum argenteum, the application of which not only easeth her of the wound she felt, but so restores her, that she is ready for a second combat: and observe how deep the man makes the incision or penetration, so deep doth the woman dive into his purse, for the marrow of a fat purse is the best and speediest remedy that can be.  
We passing by accompanied with this discourse, I perceived the door half open, whether it were for benefit of the air, or to be beheld, I am not certain, but I made use of the opportunity, and dulling my pace, I espied within (as Cupid had related) men to women, and women to men, extreme beautiful and handsome; the men were furnished with Bucklers, some of plate, and some of Gold, with bluntish Rapiers in their hands, yet not so blunt, but they would enter the most difficult and invincible part of any woman there present: the women had darts headed with Cupid's gold, which the women casting at them, made them half frantic to embrace them; but the Law was, that no man should close, but he must first deliver up his Buckler into the possession of his adversary, which they observed, all that made their thrusts and closed upon it, and at the departure or retiring I marked that the man returned without his Buckler, and with the point of his Rapier hanging downwards, to signify he was overcome. Cupid would not permit me to make any longer observation, by reason of our abreviated time, but commanded me to accompany him, and when I had overtaken him, we were just against another port caractered with this exhasticon.  
Arithmetic doth teach you how to sum, 
love's school of arithmetic.   
Then bring full bags if here you mean to come.  
Here in Addition men negotiate;  
To girl's Subtraction we appropriate:  
Multiplication is the Gallants Guide,  
Whose quick Division is the womens' pride.  
This is arithmetic, said Cupid, of which you have seen some experience in other schools: I have nothing more to show you here, but that the chief rule in this class, is that which is called the golden number: the rest is a procession founded upon this matter, which is made by proportions, or rather proportionalities, which grow into grosser sums by an equal ascent continuè accrescendo; but for those which Euclid calls proportionalitates discretae, we meddle not with them nisi tàm per accidens quàm per accedens: verbi gratiâ: quando homo indiscretus discretè nobis pecunias annumerat, as, to declare the case more plainly, when a civil or maudlin-drunkard (for we detest the very sight of a bedlam-drunkard) hath lost his wits in a quart pot, and meeting one of my girls, entreats her to keep his ring, rich hatband, or purse until next morning, and he immediately fettered in Morphean bands sleeps away the memory of all his last night's work.  
He that will be of most account, must sum in figures of eight and nine, and the nearer he comes to thousands, millions, and so is graduated and seated supra convexum gazophylacii, but yet not admitted tangere concavum, nisi sit fortassis onustus: but he that brings his sums or accounts cast up in nothing but cyphers, is rewarded like the Poet, that presented a book of verses to his Emperor, who perusing them, and not finding one perfect verse throughout the whole Volume, rewarded him with so many blows upon the back as there were verses in the book. This said, we came to another Port, that gave me notice of the practice within, being thus portured: 

love's school of Geometry.  Geometry is ne'er abused worse,  
Then when the Student hath forgot his Purse;  
But he that brings his fulll's a demigod,  
For that is our Geometritians Rod.   
This, said Cupid, is the school of Geometry, which we will also pass by: here is not practised the Science of Mega-cosmography, but the perfect lineaments of microcosm, its longitude, latitude, and profundity; for the liberal geometrician, if he make use of his golden Rod, may measure both the Marinall and terrestrial parts of his prostrate Lindabrides without difficulty; it is not to be understood, that he shall only use this Rod, but let him give it to her, and she will direct him, so that he shall measure her by the foot, nay palm by palm, inch by inch, where and how his lust or liking fancies; neither hath he cause to fear she will start, because this Rod charms her to be still and quiet, as the great Globe of the earth; for it is like the Mercurian wand, that with the first touch convinceth her to rest as if she were in a rapture. If you will know the true geometrical distance betwixt her and yourself, first hang a gold or other rich chain over her head, and you will really believe she is immoble, and hath taken root just under the chain or gem that hath enamoured her senses, because her affection chains her to the admiration of that precious shrine; then take your Astro labe, Quadrant, jacobs-staff, or rather Jacobs' stuff, or what astronomical Instrument else useful in this Science, and take the elevation of her polestar, then proceed per gradus cosmimetrales, so ascend till you come directly over her, and you shall find by the cadency of the line, that you are no more distant from her, than she is from the chain; therefore hang the chain about her neck, and three to one she will bestow a hanging of you.  
As my attention sailed on with the wind of Cupid's, no less avaricious than obscene discourse, there arose a stronger gale, that presently grew into a contrary storm, pleasant, as I imagined, when it first pulsed at my ear, because it was music, but it seemed not so congruent to Cupid's Courtiers and darlings, because I perceived that those pretenders were repelled with disdainful speeches, as full of scoffs as dislike; and without meditation Cupid desired me to follow him into the school of music, which he hastily entered, and I as speedily, having not liberty to peruse the Motto, that adorned the great Port, that gave entrance to divine Harmony; but yet for all my haste I glanced my eyes upon the inscription, where I remember it began: 
love's school of music.  money is the best music.—  
But what ensued, I never became capable to forget. Here appeared a great tumult, which was, as I apprehended, caused by a company of threadbare sharks, that had harps, Viols, Lutes, Citernes, Cornets, and many other instruments, by which I judged them musicians, and wondering at the novelty, I desired Cupid to declare the reason why these men were debarred of entrance into the Hall of love's music; he resolved my doubt, saying, although these appear musicians, yet they appertain not to the choir of love's musicians, but to that of Bacchus; for since the object of music Non constat solùm ex numeris, quos arithmetica docet, sed ex numeris sonoris; and these bag-pipecheeked warriors, these fiddling sottish trencher-scrapers, whose object is not the perfection of this Science, but a desire to gain a trifle to make themselves drunk, we exclude them out of our train, as fit retainers to the Phalernian God.  
For it is daily seen, that if they rub a crown or so out of the guts of their base and trouble, or blow a beggary echo into the ears of their auditors, which ends with a what will you bestow; if they receive their expectation, it only serves to conduct them through the next tavern; for a tavern as it is their mint house, where their money is coined, so is it their furnace to melt it over again and again, even until half a crown comes to a half penny; they will shoot a chained bullet, called a pair of groats, at the French But, and will hit the white so oft until they cannot hit their way home: sack is their choice Nectar, and they love it better than their own souls; they will never leave sack, until they have sacked out all their silver, nay nor then neither, for they will pawn their crowds for more sack: Claret is a noble Wine, for that it is of the same complexion that noblemens' coats be of, and therefore to furnish their noses with a hud of this tincture they scarletfie that promontory, to signify they are such or such noblemens' musicians: the noise of glasses is a sweet harmony, which they delight much in; and when Bacchus is pleased to see sport, than they begin to play the tailors, cutting and slashing one another's faces in the newest fashion, and these are such, whom you see, and whom the Statute confirms to be vagabundall Rogues. Yet I do not condemn all for these Bacchanalians sakes; because there are many that dedicate the interest of their instruments to my employment, making their way thorough my Mother Venus her Court, and all such Devotists we enlist in the Hall of music: for you must consider, that our laws constitute peace and quiet repose; why should we then expose ourselves to the imtuous fury of ebriety? you know many Drunkards had rather part from their body's blood, than their purse; why should we therefore desire such company, if we only desire the blood of the purse, which they only desire to bestow upon the blood of the grape? The greatest enemy we have is the usurer, and the next is this sort of hide bound Lovers, who are a petty kind of usurers, they make use of their gains to make themselves frantic; and therefore instead of teaching them our ut, re, mi, we say, out reeling minstrels; who retire in this distemper to the Man in the moon, and from thence to the naked man, where they leave their shirts in pawn to play the purse-bearer in behalf of the reckoning.  
And in speaking this I perceived the poor shrugging pedicularians gang away like so many gagling wild Geese; at whose departure a sweet warbling girl standing in a balcony, tuned her Lute, and sung this Ode: 
Poor silly sots your sterved love is cool,  
Your flat tuned crowds of music true do fail,  
Such empty airs are noisome in this school,  
Your Codrian cringes cannot here prevail;  
Those wooden stops we hold in disesteem,  
At tavern doors chameleons be more bold:  
None are admitted here, none here are seen,  
But those that play upon the keys of gold.  
Why did you knock at this our music door?  
The Port, blind beetles, see, it open stands;  
I knew, such stammering argued you were poor,  
And therefore practised thus your begging hands.  
Had you dull asses brought your golden load,  
Loves smiles had guided all your gayness in,  
And sung your cheerful purse a lightning ode,  
As absolution from that weight of sin;  
But you, like rag-a-muffin-torne-caps came,  
Without that feeling fee, which others use;  
Therefore depart like soldiers that are lame;  
You must not us, but we must you abuse.  
What can such rhyming rablers do or say?  
Give musing music to a Lady sweet,  
This is not giving, but they take away  
Rest, honour, fame, and other virtues meet.  
The sweetest tune is that of grossest pounds,  
It recreates our ears with pleasant glee.  
The Organ yieldeth high melodious sounds,  
Only for Churches fit, not so for me.  
The mettle of the airy voices there,  
Are to a mighty high extolment raised;  
But certify your silly selves, that here  
The voices of the mettle's only praised.  
He that to us gives freest, gaineth all,  
That music's prince, who plays the golden note;  
When this attractive Orpheus doth but call,  
We cannot choose but on his goldings dote.   
This pleasant damsel had no sooner ended her melody, but the knot of roguery was quite vanished, and I began to ask of Cupid, what Method they observed, to which he answered in this manner:  
Our Gamoth is very compendious, nothing is necessary in it but el a mi, which if you understood Spanish, you would easily apprehend, for it signifies, he to me; and this is also the cliff which the men practice in; no note is more profitable and better liked, than a brief, which my females delight in for the quick signification the word imports, although the note amongst other musicians is extended to a whole time; a semibrief is better allowed of for that which belongs to time, although of less esteem for the verbal signification; a crotchet is good, if it make up the time with crowns instead of notes: quavers and semiquavers, and such like are to be admitted with much caution, by reason of the trembling condition which is ordinarily annexed to the airy practice thereof; Minums are as much as mine or munera; and therefore the women do not say minum, but mine, hum: our songs are all plain, and tangible. Many sorts of Instruments we use; the women play upon the Ho-boy, when they see their Gallants well furnished with gold, which they use for a call: Corrivals play upon the Cornet, which is a manifest sign their Mistress hath cornuted them: and when they have consumed their store, they are forced to play a mournful Ditty upon the Band-whore; the virginal is an instrument which my Damsels can scarce play of, because their strings are so apt to break; we have very few men, but they are experienced in the Vi-hole, and when they have almost spent their substance, than they begin to practise the Base: the men practice much of the Virgin-holes, which yields sweet Harmony if the wire be of gold, and the keys of Diamond, and with this they adjoin the bagpipe, because it is a wind-instrument, and never plays but when the bag is full.  
Many other instruments play the lover's diapason, but we cannot stay to number them and their properties, because our time is almost expired. Here is a class, a species of arithmetic, which is of Hostesses and Vintners, which instructs them how to make their accounts to their guests; and casting my head aside, I saw the door cast into my eyes these villainous rhymes: 
Hosts and vintneress look to your score, 
love's school of innkeepers and Vintners.   
For a pint set a pottle, for a jug chalk on four;  
If your guests they be lodgers, Love gives you a curse,  
If before it be morning you pick not their purse.   
I made towards the door, intending to see some of their deceits, but Cupid detained me, saying, it was a school of reckoning, and therefore he were best take heed; for of all my University there is not a more unconscionable place, so that if you enter, you shall not return, until you pay them their desire, because you shall no sooner appear within their walls, but they begin to wait and watch what you call for, and if you be mute, they will take you for a fool, and so either uncap you, or uncloake you, and send you back the same way you enter: This heard, my journey was stayed, but yet my desire was something warm, insomuch, that I warily peeped in, where I saw such an infinite multitude of fat Hostesses and lean guests, that I ceased to wonder at Cupid's words, and began to admire the strange posture they appeared in; for every one lifted up their hands, and, as I thought, said the Lord's Prayer; but attending with a more diligent ear, they continually repeated nothing of it but, Give us this day; which when I heard, I imagined they prayed for my coming; but without delay I slided by, and so Cupid conducted me within a short space to the great class of Astrology, whose Perch gave this instruction, saying; 
love's school of Astrology.  Astrologia Amoris.  
And upon the next Port (which stood a little distance off) all studded with Diamonds in-laid with Gold, that shined as if they had been so many stars, and I come to the stellified firmament, were exposed to the view of all, that desired to prove their fortunate or sinistrous chance, these verses in fair Golden Characters, and thus distically distnguished.  

Who is it comes? who knocks? or who appears?  
Th' Angel of Gold is he, that moves our Spheres.   

He that comes here to know his happiness,  
In golden language must himself express.   

Therefore astrology prognosticates  
Of rich and poor the various change and states.   
I was not pricked on with such speed to have entered the last rehearsed school, but I was as slow to see and understand the knowledge of this, because my poverty suggested unto me an assured prognostication of my unhappy success, yet Cupid comforting me with hopes of change, willed me to forget my present state, and to follow him: I obeyed his persuasion, and entered the most glorious concave that ever eyes beheld, for it was made in manner of a sphere, gilded with stars of Oriental Gold, whose intermedium was sky-colour enamel, rough-casted with all sorts of rich stones: I had not been a minute, but I imagined myself to live in the midst of the torrid Zone, and mounting up my sight, I saw the sun directly in my Zenith, and in the middle of Aries, for that it was betwixt the sixteenth degree of that same sign, being then equinoctial, and I had a strong conceit, that the very heat which the resplendency of this Sun caused, had even boiled my brains, had not Cupid taken me by the hand, and conducted me to a more temperate Climate; for he brought me to a fair Ebony Table, whereon was placed a book in folio magno, which I perceived to be a memorial of successes, or astronomical rules for ensuing matters, and without further pause I unfolded the volume, in whose Frontispiece this Title was contained:  A Prognostication of various Events, calculated properly for the Meridian of Lovers. 
THis Prognostication, said Cupid, since it is general, not only prenotes a firm judgement of one or two years, but is infallibly certain to the consummation of the world; and because I myself know entirely and intensely the force of those refulgent Diamonds, the Stars, that beautify the celestial Vault, whose influence instills a golden gift into my Students desires, therefore I have constituted, that the chiefest Planet that predominates in my kingdom shall be Venus, the goddess of Beauty, and consequently the Mother of Love, whose computation is to be made per calculum album, seu aureum, or, as it is commonly practised, per aureum numerum, whereupon she threatens oblivion and disdain to the unfortunate Lover, that cannot sum up his pretended suit by this computation.  
Behold Luna, how she beatifies her aspect with a smiling countenance; her increase promiseth happy success to the ponderous Lover; but if this sinner want increase, he causeth her favourable friendship to decrease; and in case he hath rivals, let him expect the true demonstrances of his fortune the next New moon, because than she presents him with a pair of horns.  
The Conjunctions crescent and diminishing signify, that many gallant Dames shall increase in riches, and their adorers decrease in the purse.  
The silver, golden, and gemmish stars, are presages of prosperity; and for this reason the poor Lover is called disastrous, because his penury cannot reach to the knowledge or possession of them.  
You Labourers, or Husbandmen in love, have a care that you manure your ground with good fattening, plow without bawkes, and sow thick, if you desire to reap any fruit by your endeavours, for he that manures seldom, tilleth gowtily and sows the thin and light grain of promises or frivolous words, shall gather nothing but the unprofitable weeds of denials.  
If Loves Husbandmen be married; they must observe strictly the tillage and semination of that piece of Land that lies next to their houses; otherwise their Wives will teach them how to ride Taurus, and hold by his head instead of a bridle.  
Close by the sign Virgo stands Libra, to signify, that Virgo hath something to sell, but if you intend to buy of the best, bring with you your libra argenti, and then you shall not need to dodge, but clap up your bargain with only saying, Here is your price.  
Jupiter in virgin signifies, that Virgins had rather be broke up by noble and rich men, than beggars, because they desire to live and lie where the influence of treasure is; ubi thesaurus, ibi & cor ipsarum.  
Sol in Sagittario prenotes a prosperous voyage to all our Courtiers that begin their engagements in this month, for they never shoot when Sol is in Sagittarius his Bow, but with golden bolts, and then they are sure not only to hit the white, but cleave the hub of their intent.  
Sol in Aquario is a swimmer, and foretells that he may adventure to swim in the Ocean of love's embraces, who can make an Hydaspian River towards his Venus. Quid non mortalia pectorae cogit auri sacra fames?  
Venus in Ariete signifies, that Venus sells flesh, and he that brings good store of gold, shall choose what joint he likes best in all her shambles; but he that comes without or at most with very little, shall only carry away the head, as an ensign how he is esteemed.  
Sol in Cancro seldom promiseth benevolence, but of the womens' part cloudy and obscure events, for our Astronomers prognosticate ill omen to all those that enter whilst this aspect is in power, because it is the Solstice of liberality amongst the men. Shut the Universities doors.  
The Sextile aspect is very acceptable to the female kind, because its Character, as you see,*, points like a bountiful star round about, and gives to all; which affirms, that all those that woe with this aspect, shall arrive at the creek of their own desire and content.  
The Opposition is malevolent both to poor and rich; to rich, because they oppose themselves against the generous and laudable quality of giving; to the poor, because they have nothing to give.  
If the Gallant solicit for a conjunction, when Cancer reigns, he hardly obtains his wish, because the Crab continually is accompanied with vinegar sauce, especially if the female be not extraordinarily pleased, who causeth a Pagient of Capricorn, to signify that such a lubber-fisted Gallant is held a Monster in Cupid's Doctrine: But if the Gallant pretend a conjunction when the rams golden Fleece and the yellow Lion present their aspects, than the female dignifies the Rammish Gallant with the mild union of the lion.  
He that touches the dragon's tail is in danger to be stung; therefore to avoid this killing kind of malice, it is necessary that he hang his purse about this dragon's neck, and whilst she plays with it, he may play with her tail. Cupid would not permit me to pass on, but cut off the eagerness of my desire, saying, day now approaches, & therefore we must depart, only I will show you my Library, and there we will end. But as we went, I desired Cupid to relate something more concerning the fixed stars, who began thus; The constellations or figured congregations of fixed stars according to other Astrologers are forty and eight, but in school the number is much abreviated; we divide them into five for the women, as aggreeable to their disposition, and other five appropriated to the men's function; those which belong to the women are ursa major, which signifies the graver sort of my matrons; the next is ursa minor, which are the younger; the third is lupus, a true type of their avaricious stomach; the fourth draco, that with her breath poisons all; the fifth is argus, whose multiplicity of eyes darts invincible allurements at all that come within her view, and also sets vigilant eyes on all, that none shall escape her.  
The masculine are auriga, or as we term it, auri-gaza, that drives Boötes to be unloaded at dracoes closet door; the second is cygnus, representing those that are serious solicitors for the fulfilling of their argus desire, who, at every departure from their fair ones, sing forth the death of their purse, which nimble-eyed Argus shows a Mercurian slight; the third is crater, a standing dish of gold, always fit for lupus stomach, the fourth is corona australis, representing the noble-minded suitor, who would make ursa major a Queen, if his power were correspondent to his will; the last is corona borealis, given freely to ursa minor, to appease her choler or coldness, and to make her eight bright eyes benevolent to the messenger.  

love's Library.  In speaking of this we entered love's Library, which was very spacious, and completely filled with great variety of books of all faculties, and in all kinds of Volumes.  
These, said Cupid, are not called books, but Tomes, or Sections, for that our courtly Dames study only to exect or cut off their threadbare courtesans, and induce fresh and new furnished ones: And viewing these Tomes, saw chained up in golden links two Spanish Poets, Dante and Cost, and an English one called Messenger, which Messenger they entertain, hoping still to see the good and grateful news of a well-filled purse, but if it prove contrary to their expectation, they command shaving Shirley to make him acquainted with Sir Philip, and so they flirt him into Arcadia to sing a lamentation for his lost Mistress.  
There was also Shakespeere, who (as Cupid informed me) creeps into the womens' closets about bed time, and if it were not for some of the old out-of-date Grandames (who are set over the rest as their tutoresses) the young sparkish girls would read in Shakespeere day and night, so that they would open the book or Tome, and the men with a Fescue in their hands should point to the Verse.  
I proceeded to another rank of Philosophers, and there was Philosophia de plam, whom they read as a nominal, for the vicinity that plam hath to Plate; and after this was their Divine, Plato, a nominal that instructed the same Doctrine: there were Rubeus and Aureolus, those golden nominals; also More and Durandus, to signify, that those which read More, must give more, for according to the extenuation of the gifts, the persons were assured of their durance, and this was the reason that More and Durandus were set together, for ●ee that reads More, gives more, and he that gives more, is a Durand or of durance, but he that gives not, shall not be endured in Cupid's schools. Infinite was the number of Tomes, which I will omit for brevity's sake, only remembering a few to give the Reader notice, that as they began so they ended, intending still upon covetousness. There was Tollet, à tollendo, the womens' Author; Asinus aureus, a present for the women, which is interpreted to be a rich simplitian, more full of gold than wit; Catena aurea, full of bracelets and such like riches proper to the womens' possession; and Bartholomeus Anglicus de lapidibus preciosis.  
These and many other Tomes were imprinted in several places; those which were Authors for the women, were all imprinted in Capua, à capiendo; and those which belonged to the men, and treated of Jewels and such like, were imprinted in the City of Valencia; the other, that treated of gold and silver, had their impression in the I'll of Waight.  
Now, said Cupid, you have seen, what this short time could benefit you with, and all that I can do, is to reconduct you to the place where I first found you: Thus we returned, Cupid accompanying me until I came to love's Garden gate; and in this passage space I made use of the remnant of time which was remaining in asking what vacations they observed: to which he answered, O what a pitiful University should I have, if I permitted Vacations! we disagree in this point from other universities, for that we have no Vacations, for the great hurt they cause both to male and female, which would be employed in idleness and fruitless actions, contrary to the tenure of our institution; and therefore what we begin, we prosecute, and allow of no cessation.  
But that our Tomes may always be employed, I have ordained many hours of recreation, and as many sorts of pastime: As to play at ball, the men providing such balls as that which was cast amongst the Goddesses in Ida's Valley; and the custom is, that men post and throw, and the women keep and catch; for the women catch excellent well, but throw as bad; and the men throw, well and catch very ill. They play much at Nine-holes, but the men bowl continually; and when they enter, they forfeit a certain sum of money, it being the general rule with us, that no man can enter without loss. Here also is artillery, and the women are the Butts, but the most expert Archer is he that shoots with golden-headed arrows, who hits the mark every shoot. We use Dice, and sometimes Tables, and if the men adventure against the women at Tiktak, they are certain to lose all they play for, and if the men lose all, than the women desire them to play at Passage amongst themselves. Noddy and catch-fool are their chief Games at Cards. Shovel-board is also in great request, and very acceptable to the Women, because their lap is the Box, and all is theirs that falls therein.  
Whilst my fancy gave audience to the God thus discoursing, and as I imagined tracing on towards the place of our parting, a boy with a towel and a basin of water opened my chamber door, and awaked me out of this dream, when he said it was seven of the clock, at which I arose, and vested, I turned down the pillow where I found a branch of laurel under my head, which one had laid there, who as soon as the party had given me my morning's salutation, desired me to declare my dream, if perchance I had any that night: I desired her to excuse me for the present, and within few days I would accomplish her desire, because my dream was true; and immediately enclosing myself in my Closet, I began this relation which you have heard concerning love's schools, from whence proceedeth the base and covetous desire of Interest.  
FINIS.