To the right worshipful, Sir William Stone Knight Mercer to the Queen's most excellent majesty. YOur friendly disposition (right worshipful) giving grace to the well meaning minds, hath edboldened me amongst others, to testify that good will in outward show, which my heart of long time hath secretly bore to your Worship; and now taking opportunity, I present to your fovourable censure, this small book, containing many quick flashes of the witty jests of old Hobson the merry Londoner, lately a Citizen of good estimation. And I think not altogether forgotten of your Worship: Receive this little Treatise (I beseech you) with favour answerable to my good will, & as your leisure shall serve, bestow now and then a little reading thereof, which if it please you to do, I doubt not but you will like well of the labour, and besides the honest recreation which it offordeth, apply what your worship maketh choice of, unto your private pleasure: and this wishing your prosperity, acceptance to this my gift, and opinion of the giver: I conclude, hoping that my honest wish shall not be yoid of a happy success. Your worship's most humbly to command, Richard Johnson▪ THE Pleasant life of old Hobson the merry Londoner, full of humorous discourses, and witty merriments, whereat the quickest wits may laugh, and the wiser sort take pleasure. Of Master Hobson's description. IN the beginning of Queen E●izabeths most happy reign our late deceased sovereign, under whose peaceful government long flourished this our Country of England, there lived in the city of London a merry Citizen, named old Hob●o● a Haberdasher of small wares, dwelling at the lower end of Cheapside, in the Poultry, as well known through this part of England▪ as a Sergeant knows the Counter gate: he was a homely plain man, most commonly wearing a buttoned Cap close to his ears a short gown girt about his middle, and a pair of slippers upon his feet of an ancient fashion, as for his wealth it was answerable to the better sort of our Citizens, but of so merry a disposition that his equal therein is hardly to be found: hereat let the pleasant disposed people laugh and the more graver in carriage take no exceptions, for here are merriments without hurt, and humorous jests savouring upon wisdom: read willingly, but scoff not spitefully, for old Hobson spent his days merrily. 2. Of Master Hobson's proverbs. NOt many years since, there was Sir John Baynes▪ (by the common voice of the City) chosen sheriff of London, which man in former times had been Mr. Hobson's prentice, and riding along the streets with other Aldermen, about the city business, was saluted by M. Hobson in this manner, Bones a me man what a clock horse-knave, and thy Master a foot here's the world turned upside down: Sir John hearing this his Master's merry salutation, passed along with a pleasant smile, making no answer at all, upon which slight regard, M. Hobson took occasion to say as followeth: here's pride rides on horseback, whilst humility goes a foot, in speaking these words came four other Aldermen riding after Master sheriff, whose names were these: Alderman Ramsey, Alderman Bond, Alderman Beecher and Alderman Cooper, at whose passage by he made this pleasant rhyme. 1▪ Ramsey the rich, 2. Bond the stout, 3. Beecher the gentleman▪ 4. & Cooper the ●out. This pleasant rhyme so suddenly spoken by M. Hobson▪ is to this day, accounted for his proverb in London. 3. Of M. Hobson and John Tawny-coat▪ MAster Hobson being a Haberdasher of small wares (as I said before) and his shop on a time full of customers, his negligent prentices ●ar les●y credited a Kentish pedlar with 10. pounds of commodities, neither knowing his name, nor his dwelling place, which oversight when M. Hobson understood, and noting the simplicyty of his servants, and their forgetfulness▪ demanded what apparel the fellow had on? marry Sir (quoth one of the prentices) he had a tawny-coat then (quoth M. Hobson) put down Jo●n tawny-coat, and so was the pedlar by the name of John tawny-coat, entered to the book; about a month after, the same pedlar came again to London to buy ware, and coming to M. Hobson in a Russet coat, willed him to turn over his book for ten pounds that one John rowland's owed him: Ten pounds (qd. M. Hobson) that John rowland's oweth me, I remember no such man, bones a good knave thou owest me none: But I do, said the pedlar: whereupon the book was searched, but no John rowland's was to be found. I think thou art mad (quoth Hobson) for thou owest me nothing: but I do, quoth the pedlar, and will pay it. Being in this strife a long time, one of his servants said that he had found in the book, such a debt by one John Tawny-coat▪ That is myself, replied the pedlar▪ I was then John Tawnycoat though I am now John Russet-coat, so paid he ten pounds by the same name to M. Hobson, and received twenty more upon his own word and name of John rowland's, the which twenty pound he shortly after paid for suretyship▪ and so by his over-kind heart, paying other men's debts, he grew so poor, and into such necessity, that he was forced to maintain his living by hedging and ditching, and other such like country labours: within a while after this, M. Hobson coming into Kent to seek up some desperate debts, he came to Datford, where finding this poor man ditching for a Groat a day, in pity of him said, how now John Tawny-coat, bones a God man thou canst never pay with this poor labour, come home knave, come home, I will trust thee with twenty pounds more, follow thy old trade of peddling again, and one day thou mayst pay me all. Thus the pedlar had new credit of M▪ Hobson, by which good means he grew rich, that in time he bought his freedom of London, and therein grew so wealthy a Citizen that he became one of the Masters of the hospital, and when he died▪ he proved a good benefactor to the same house. 4. How Master Hobson called the Lord Maior of London knave by craft. MAster Hobson in his youthful time having nothing to dinner on a day but bread and cheese, good beer and a red herring, and being merrily disposed to jest, came unto his door to sit, where he said to a Sergeant of London, I have dined this day (quoth he) as well as my Lord Maior: the Sergeant hearing this and being a pickthank companion, went and certified his Lordship thereof, who immediately sent for M. Hobson, being then a man but of mean estate, who no sooner being come into his presence, but his Lordship would needs know the cause of his comparison clapping twenty knaves on poor Hobson's shoulders▪ I mean not Sergeants, but knaves of my Lord majors own making? I will teach thee knave (quoth his Lordship) how to use my name in thy comparison●, and not in thy beggarly dinners, and drunken banquets to compare with me, and whilst you live to except me in any thing: and thereupon sent M. Hobson to the Counter, where he lay some two or three days without bail: but at last being set at liberty, he met with the same Sergeant again: whom he saluted in this manner, well met Sergeant (quoth he) by thy means I am commanded to except my Lord Maior in all things and so I will, for I think in my conscience, thou art the veriest knave in all London, except my Lord Maior. Thus M. Hobson most cunningly called my Lord Maior and the Officer, both knaves. 5. How Master Hobson made a light banquet for his company. UPon a time M. Hobson invited very solemnly the whole Livery of his company to a light banquet, and for the same provided the greatest Tavern in all London in a readiness: the appointed hour being come, the Citizens repaired thither richly attired the better to grace M. Hobson's banquet, but expecting great cheer and good entertainment, they were all utterly disappointed: for what found they there think you? Nothing on my word▪ but each one a cup of wine and a mancher of bread on his trencher: and some five hundred candles lighted about the room, which in my mind was a very light banquet both for the belly and the eye: by this merry jest, he gained such love of his company, that he borrowed g●atis out of the hall, a hundred and fifty pound for two year. 6. How Master Hobson chalked his prentices the way to the Church. Evermore when M. Hobson had any business abroad his Prentices would either be at the tavern filling their heads with wine, or at the Dagger in Cheapside, cramming their bellies with minst pies: but above all other times it was their common custom (as London Prentices use) to follow their Masters upon Sundays to the church door, and then to leave them, and hie unto the Tavern, which M. Hobson on a time perceiving one of his men so to do, demanded at his coming home, what the Preachers Text was. Sir (quoth the fellow) I was not at the beginning. What was in the middle, (quoth M. Hobson) Sir, quoth the fellow, then was I asleep: said M. Hobson again, what was ●hen the conclusion, then replied his servant▪ I was come Sir away before the end: by which means he knew well he was not there, ●ut rather in some tippling house, offending God's majesty, and the laws of the Land: therefore the next Sunday morning after, M▪ Hobson called all his servants together, and in the sight of many of his neighbours and their prentices, took a piece of chawke and chaw●ked them all the way along to the Church di●rectly, which proved a great shame to his own servants▪ but a good example to all others o● like condition, after this was there never the like misdemeanour used amongst them. 7. How Master Hobson hung out a Lanthor● and a Candle-light. IN the beginning of Q. Elizabeth's Reigne● when the order of hanging out lantern 〈◊〉 candlelight was first brought up, the Beadl● of the ward where M Hobson dwelled in a dar● evening went crying upon and down, hang ou● your lanterns hang out your lanterns using no other words. Whereupon M. Hobso● 〈◊〉 an empty lantern▪ and according to the Beadles call hung it out; this flout by the Lord Maior was taken in ill part, and for the same offence was Master Hobson sent to the Counter, but being Released the next nigh● the Beadle thinking to ammend his call, crye● with a loud voice▪ hang out your lantern an● candle, hang out your lantern and candle M Hobson hereupon hung out a lantern ●nd a candle unlighted as the Beadle again ●ommanded, whereupon he was sent again ●o the Counter: but the next night▪ the Beadle ●eing better advised, cried hang out your lan●horn and candlelight, which M. Hobson did, ●o his great commendations, which cry of lan●horn and candlelight is in right manner used ●o this day. 8. How M Hobson bai●ed the devil with a dog, NOt far from M. Hobson's house, there dwelled one of these cunning men, otherwise called fortune-tellers, such cuzning companions to this day (by their crafts) make ●imple women believe how they can tell what husbands they shall have, how many children, how many swee-hearts and such like: if goods ●e stole, who hath them with promise to help them to their losses again, with many other deceitful illusions: To this wise man, (as some terms him) goes M. Hobson not to ●eape any benefit by his crafty cunning, but to make a jest and a trial of his experience: ●o causing one of his servants to lead a masty dog after him, staying at the cunning man's ●oore with the dog in his hand: up ●oes M. Hobson to the wise man▪ requesting his skill, ●or he had lost ten pound, lately taken from by thieves, but when and how he knew no● well, the cunning man knowing M. Hobson to be one of his neighbours, and a man of a goo● reputation, fell (as he made show) to conju●ring and casting of figures, and after a few words of incantation, as his common use wa● he took a very large fair looking glass, an● bad M. Hobson look in the same, but not t● cast his eyes backward in any case: the whic● he did, and therein saw the picture of a hog and a large Ox with two broad horns on hi● head: the which was no otherwise, but (as h● had often deceitfully showed to others) a co●zening fellow like the cunning man himself cleathed in an ox's Hide which fellow h● maintained as his servant to blind people● eyes withal, and to make them believe h● could show them the devil at his pleasure i● a glass. This vision M. Hobson perceiving and guessing at the knavery thereof gave a whistle for his dog, which then stayed below at the door in his man's keeping which whistle being no sooner heard, but the dog ran u● stairs to his Master, as he had been mad▪ and presently fastened upon the poor fellow in the ox's hide, and tore him as it was pit●tifull to see: the cunning man cried, for the passion of God take of your dog: no (quot● M. Hobson) let the devil and the dog fight venture thou thy devil, and I will venture my dog: to conclude, the oxhide was torn from the fellows back, and so their knave●ies were discovered, and their cunning shifts laid open to the world. 9 How Master Hobson allowed his wife two men to wait on her to the market. AS M. Hobson increased in riches, so increased his wife in pride, in such sort that she would seldom go out of doors without her man before her. Upon a time having business to Cheapside market, amongst many other of her neighbours, the more to show her high and haughty stomach, desired of her husband that she might have her man to attend her: who seeing her disposition, willingly consented thereunto, and thereupon called two of his lustiest men put them in armour with two brown bills on their necks, placing one of them before her, the other after, and so proffered to send her forth to market: she in a niceness took such a displeasure hereat, that for a month after she lay sick in her bed, and would eat nothing but Cawdles made of muskadine. 10. How Master Hobson made a jest of his man's name. ONe of M. Hobson's Prentices by name was called George Bacon, a near kinsman of Sir Nicolas Bacon, L. keeper of England, a youth of much forwardness and good government: near unto M. Hobson, dwelled a Grocer, which had likewise to his servant a youth, called by the name of George hog, also of a good wit and a pleasant disposition: their two Prentices were great companions, and spent much time together, whereat M. Hobson being much displeased, called the said George hog to him, saying, I marvel my boy (quoth he) why thou keepest my man Bacon company, knowing him to be a prentice but newly bound, and thou thyself another man's servant: to whom replied this George hog wisely saying: your man Bacon, Sir is a near kinsman of mine▪ and we can by no means part friendship: How knave (quoth M. Hobson) a kinsman of thine? let me understand how it comes: marry thus answered the boy, my name is hog, and his is Bacon, two names that cannot choose but be of a kindred: Nay, not so my lad (quoth M. Hobson) a hog is no kinsman to Bacon till he be hanged, and when thou art hanged, thou shalt be my man Bacon's kinsman, till than thou art but a bare hog: thus by the ●est did M. Honson part their companies. 11. Of an Epitaph that Master Hobson made for a dead man. THere was a very rich Citizen dwelling not far from London Bri●ge) who in his life-time was never known to do any deed worthy of memory: who dying, left M. Hobson his only Executor, to dispose of his goods, as also to lay upon his grave a fair marble stone: and as upon marble stones there be commonly engraven certain verses in the manner of an Epitaph of the man's conversation thereunder buried, so M. Hobson considering what Epitaph he would set upon his friends grave, knowing the few good deeds he did in his life time, caused these two verses following to be engraven upon the marble stone. EPITAPH. He was begotten, borne and cried, He lived a long time, fell sick and died. 12. How Master Hobson proved himself a Poet. MAster Hobson having occ●sion to ride into the wild of Kent, where in that age scholars were somewhat scarce, during the time of his tarryance there, there happened to be buried one John Medcaulfe, a very sufficient Farmer, upon whose grave was written these verses following, in fair Roman letters: I desire ye in the Lord's behalf, To pray for the soul of poor John calf. Master Hobson noting the simplicity of the verses, writ underneath as followeth: O thou death more subtle than a Fox, Thou mightst ha' let this calf lived to be an ox: To have eat grass, hay, and corn, And like his sire to have worn a horn. 13. How Master Hobson served an innkeepers wife. COntinuing in the wild of Kent, M, Hobson being benighted in travel, it was his chance to happen into a very poor inn, where was no more Beds in all the house but two, the one for the good man and his wife, the other for the Guests that ●ame thither: and both these beds stood both in one Chamber, for indeed there was no more 〈◊〉 rooms in all the inn: M. 〈…〉 supped, was lighted to bed by the 〈◊〉 himself▪ who like an unmannerly chamberlain set▪ M. Hobson never a Chamberpot: which he looking for round the Chamber espied a wooden bowl under the good man's bed, and a straining dish of the same fashion hanging up against the wall: the strainingdish than M. Hobson takes and sets under the good man's bed, and removed the Chamberbowle from thence, and sets it under his own. The good man and his wife, according to custom, came to bed without light, where they had not long lain but the good wife had occasion to make water and thereupon desired her husband to reach her the Chamberbowle▪ the which he did as he thought, but being deceived by M. Hobson, he Gave her the strainingdish, wherein when she had made water, it ●an quite thorough upon her husband: goods my life (quoth the Good man) woman thou spillest over, no Husband, no (quoth she) it is not yet at my thumb: which in my opinion, was a mark and custom they had: M. Hobson hereat could scarce sleep for laughing, but lay and spent the whole night with merry imaginations. 14. How Master Hobson found his Factor in France with a French courtesan. MAster Hobson having in France a Factor which dealt for him in Merchandise, and lacking divers sorts of wares to furnish his Chapmen for Bristol fair, sent to his aforesaid Factor (being a merry conceited youth) for certain matches of such commodities as were then most in request: he mistaking his Master's meaning, sent him all the matches used for gunpowder that could be bought in France, the value of two thousand pounds worth: M. Hobson receiving them, and seeing himself matched with a commodity of matches, thought all was not well in France, and that his man neglected his business there. To know the truth thereof, the next morning very early, not revealing it to his Wife, in a night gown, a buttoned cap, and a pair of shippers, took shipping at Billingsgate, and passed over into France, where after some enquiry made of his man's life and conversation, he found him in a lewd house, revelling with a most gallant French courtesan, whom M. Hobson after a smile or two saluted in this manner: What now knave? what a wenching knave? a rack and manger knave? bones of me cannot a snatch and away serve your turn knave? is this the French wares you deal withal knave? his man seeing himself so taken napping, for a time stood amazed, not knowing what to say, but recoverinh his senses, he gave his Master this pleasant answer. Though Sir, this ware is a broken commodity, yet may we deal with them: being dealers with all wares, or rather Haberdashers of small wares, which is seldom liked of French Gentlewomen: M. Hobson at this pleasant answer could not choose but pardon him, and so came they both over into England, where now this rack and manger is grown to a proverb. 15. How Master Hobson got a patten for the sale of his matches. THe Commodity of Matches which his Factor sent him from France, being slow of sale, considering the little use for them, being in time of peace, like a witty Citizen, Master Hobson hies himself to Court, being in the days of our gracious Queen Elizabeth, and having a patent ready made for the sale of the ●foresaid matches, where so soon as he came into the Queen's presence, he knéeled down, and desired her grace to give an assignment to his patent, declaring What it Was, and the great loss he was like to sustain by that commodity: the Q. perceiving for what intent he came▪ and considering the benefit that would come by such a grant, and meaning to gi●e it to some Gentleman near unto her, as a recompense for his service, said unto M. Hobson, my friend (said the Q.) be content for thou shalt not have thy patent sealed, nor will I give thee thy request: M. Hobson, hearing the Q. denial, said, I most heartily thank your majesty, both I and all mine are bou●d to thank and pray for your highness: and low obeysiance, went his way: at these his words the Q. much marvelled, and when he had gone a little from her, she caused him to be sent for back again, whom when he was returned, the Q. asked if he did well understand what answer her Grace did give him: yes truly said M. Hobson: What said I (quoth the Q.) Marry your grace bid me be content for I should not have my desire, nor my patten sealed: why did you then (quoth the Q.) give me such great thanks? because (said M. Hobson) your Grace gave me so speedy an answer, without either long suit, or loss of time, the which would have been to my very much harm and great hindrance, for I have at home a great charge of household to which I am bound in duty to look diligently, and to provide carefully. The Q. marking well the wisdom and discreet answer of M. Hobson, and now conceiving a new favour towards him; said now shall you give me twice thanks and have your patent sealed, and your desires performed that you sue for. So casting her eyes upon the Lord chancellor, commanding the same by him to be done, which was accomplished with all speed whereby in short time he had quick sale of his commodity of matches to his hearts content, and his wealth's great increase. 16. Master Hobson's jest of ringing of the Bells upon the Queen's day. UPon saint Hewes day, being the 17. of November, upon which day the triumph was holden for Q. Elizabe●hs happy government▪ as bonfires ringing of bells, and such like, but in the Parish where Master Hobson dwelled he being churchwarden, was no ri●ging at all by reason the Séeple was amen●ing▪ and the bells down and being asked by a servant of the Queen's house, why they 〈◊〉 not? he answered because they had no be●●s in their steeple: Then quoth the Queen's man you may very well sell away your steeple: Why so, quoth M. Hobson, because quoth the other, it standeth empty and vacant▪ to whom M. Hobson replied again, we may better sell away our Pulpit, for these twelve months was there never a Sermon in the same, and it rather stands empty and vacant. After this the Parson of the Church preached every Sunday following. 17. Of a beggar's answer to Master Hobson. A poor beggar man, that was foul, black, and loathsome to behold▪ came on a time to M. Hobson, as he walked in Moor fields, and asked some thing of him for an alms: to whom M. Hobson said I pray thee fellow get from me, for thou lookest as thou camest lately out of hell: the poor Beggar perceiving he would give him nothing, answered; forsooth Sir, you say true, for I came lately out of Hell indeed: why didst not thou tarry there still, quoth M. Hobson? Nay sir quoth the beggar, there is no room for such beggar men as I am for all is kept for such Gentlemen Citizen as you be: this witty answer caused M. Hobson to give the poor man a taster. 18. How long M. Hobson's daughter mourned for her husband's death. MAster Hobson had a Daughter which was a very fair young woman who made great sorrow & lamentation for her husband that lay a-dying: no means could comfort her: wherefore her father came to her and said, Daughter leave off your mourning, for if God take away your Husband, I will speedily provide you another of great wealth and credit as he is now of, and far more young and lusty: but yet for all this, would she not leave mourning and grew greatly displeased that her Father made any motion of another husband, protesting that she would never marry more. But now mark the vaviable minds of women: her husband was no sooner dead and buried▪ the charges of his burial paid for, and she with her friends set at supper to comfort her, between sobbing and weeping she wispered her father in the ear and said: Father, where is the man that you said should be my Husband? Thus you may see (quoth M. Hobson) the nature of Women kind, and how long they mourn for their Husbands after they be dead: these words made the young woman never after to ask her father for a husband. 19 Master Hobson caus●ing his man to set up a sign. MAster Hobson having one of his 〈◊〉 new come out of his time▪ and being made a freeman of London, desired to set up for himself: so taking a house not far from Saint Laurence Lane, furnished it with store of ware, and set the sign of the maidenhead: hard by was a very rich man of the same trade, had the same sign, who reported in every, place where he came, that the young man had set up the same sign that he had only to get away his customers, and daily vexed the young man therewithal, who being grieved in mind told M. Hobson, his late Master, who commining to the rich man said, I marvel sir, (quoth M. Hobson) why wrong you my man so much as to say, he seeketh to get away your customers, marry so he doth (quoth the other) for he hath set up a sign called the maidenhead as mine is. That is not so (Replied M. Hobson.) for this is the widow's head▪ and no maidenhead, therefore you do him great wrong: the rich man hereupon seeing heimself requited with mocks rested satisfied, and never after that envied M. Hobson's man, but let him live quietly. 19 Of M. Hobson's jest of a louse and a flea. UPon a time M. Hobson going to my L. majors to dinner amongst the Livery of his Company, and being weighted on by one of his Prentices, the said prentice spied a louse creeping upon the side of his Gown and took it off M. Hobson espyi●g him to do something in secret, asking what it was: the fellow being ashamed, was loath to tell him but being importuned by his Master, said 〈◊〉 was a Louse: oh (quoth M. Hobson) this 〈◊〉 good luck: for it showeth me to be a man, fo● this kind of vermin chiefly breedeth on man kind, and thereupon gave five shillings to hi● man for his labour: another of his Prentices being a pickthank knave, and having hear● that his fellow had five shillings given him fo● taking a Louse off his Master, (having hi● Gown likewise on) and made as though 〈◊〉 took a flea from the same, and conveyed 〈◊〉 away: but when M. Hobson constrai●ned him to tell what it was, with much dis●sembling shamefastness, he said it was a flea M. Hobson perceiving his dissimulation, sa●● to him, what dost thou make me a dog? fo● fleas be most commonly bread upon dogs and instead of his expected reward, he recei●ved fifteen stripes; for said M. Hobson, ther● is a great difference between one that doth ● thing with a good mind, and him that doth ● thing by dissimulation. 21. How one of M. Hobson's men qu●ted him with a merry jest. MAster Hobson had a servant that he ha● long before made a freeman, and wa● still at M. Hobson's commandment, and did him much good service, wherefore upon a time he came unto his Master and said Sir, I have done you▪ service long time justly and truly, wherefore I pray you bestow something upon me to begin the world withal: fellow qd. Mr. Hobson, thou sayst true, and thereon have I thought many times to do a good turn, now will I tell thee what thou shalt do. I must shortly ride to Bristol fair, and if thou wilt bear my charges thither, I will give thee such a thing, as shall be worth to thee an hundred l. I am content qd. the fellow; so all the way as he rode. his man bore his charges, and paid for all things duly, till they came at the last lodging, and there after supper he came to his Master and said, Sir, I have borne your charges as you commanded me, now I pray you let me know what the thing is that will be worth to me 100 pounds? did I promise thee such a thing (qd. his Master?) you did▪ said the fellow: show me in writing (qd. his Master) I have none, said the fellow, than thou art like to have nothing, qd. M. Hobson; and learn this of me whensoever thou makest a bargain with any man, look that thou take a writing for thy security and be well advised how thou givest thy bond to any man, this thing hath benefited me in my time 200. l. and so it may likewise do thee: thus when the poor fellow saw there was no remedy, he held himself content, and all that night pondered in his mind how to grow quittance with his master, so on the morrow when his Master had dispatched his business in the Town, and was set forward back again towards London, he tarried a little behind to reckon with the Hostis where he lay, and of her he borrowed as much money on his Master's cloak as came to all the charges that they spent by the way. M. Hobson had not rode past 2. miles▪ but that it began to rain, whereupon he called for his cloak of another servant that rode by, who said that it was behind with his fellow, who had it with him: so they took shelter under a tree, till he overtook them; when he was come, M. Hobson most angrily said: thou knave, why comest thou not away with my cloak: the fellow answered▪ Sir and please you▪ I have laid it to pawn for your carges all the way; Why knave qd. M. Hobson, didst thou not promise to bear my charges to Bristol? did I quoth the fellow? yes, said M. Hobson, thou didst: show me a writing thereof, saith the fellow, whereunto M. Hobson seeing himself so cunningly over reached, answered but little. 22. Of M. Hobson's riding to Sturbidge fair. MAster Hobson on a time in company of one of his neighbours, rode from London towards S●urb●dge fair, so the first night of their journey they lodged at Ware in an inn where great store of company was and in the morning when every man made him ready to ride and some were on horseback setting forward, the Citizen his neighbour found him sitting at the inn gate booted and spurred▪ in a brown study, to whom he said, for shame M. Hobson why sit you here, why do you not make yourself ready to horseback that we may set forward with company? M. Hobson replied in this manner▪ I tarry (qd. he) for a good cause: for what cause quoth his neighbour: marry qd M. Hobson, here be so many horses, that I cannot tell which is my own, and I know well, when every man is ridden and gone, the horse that remaineth behind must needs be mine. 23 How M. Hobson found a farmer's purse. THere was a Farmer that lost 40. pounds betwixt Cambridge and London, and being so great a sum, he made proclamation in all market towns thereabout, that whosoever had found 45. l. should have the five pounds for his labour for finding it, and therefore he put in the 5. l. more than was lost: it was M. Hob●ons fortune to find the same sum of 40. l. and brought the same to the bailiff of Ware, and required the 5. l. for his pains, as it was proclaimed: when the Farmer understood this, and that he must needs pay five pounds for the finding, he said, that there was in the purse 45. l. and so weuld he have his moneey and five pounds over: so long they strove, that the matter was brought before a justice of peace, which was then one M. Fleetwood, who after was the Recorder of London: but when M. Fleetwood understood by the bailiff, that the proclamation was made for a purse of 45. l. he demanded where it was, here qd. the bailie, and gave it him: it is just ●0. l. said M. Fleetwood; yes truly (qd. the bailiff:) here M. Hobson, said M. Fleetwood, take you this money for it is your own, and if you chance to find a purse of 45, l. bring it to this honest Farmer: that's mine▪ qd. the Farmer, for I lost just 40. l. you speak too late (qd. M. Fleetwood,) Thus the farmer lost the money, and Master Hobs●n had it according to justice. 24. How Master Hobson was a judge betwixt two women. THere dwelled not far from Mr. Hobson, two very ancient Women, the youngest of them both was abount 60. years of age, and upon a time sitting at the tavern together▪ they grew at variance, which of them should be the youngest, as Women indeed desire t● be accounted younger than they be, in such manner that they laid a good supper, of the value of 20. s. for the truth thereof; M. Hobson they agreed upon to be their judge of the difference: so after M▪ Hobson had knowledge thereof, the one came to him, and as a present gave him a very fair pigeon pie worth some 5. s. desiring him to pass the verdict on her 〈◊〉: within a while after the other came: and gave M. Hobson a very fair greyhound, which kind of dogs he much delighted in: praying him likewise to be favourable on her side, wherefore he gave judgement that the Woman that gave him the Grayhound was the younger▪ and so she won the supper of 20, s. which she perceiving, came to him and said, Sir, I gave you a pigeon pie▪ and you promised the verdict should go on my side: to whom M. Hobson said, of a truth good woman, there came a greyhound into my house and eat up the pigeon pie, & so by that means I quite forgot thee. 25. Of the pride of M. Hobson's wife. MAster Hobson's wife carrying something a stately mind, and delighting in brave apparel, upon a time walking abroad with other Women her neighbours▪ they espied a pair of silk stockings upon her legs, and desiring the like, never let their husbands to live quiet after, till they had silk stockings of the same fashion: so within a week or two fol●lowing, their husbands came complaining t● M. Hobson, and said, Sir, (qd. one of them) 〈◊〉 sufferance of your wife's pride, hath spoyle● all ours, for since she hath worn silk stock●ing, our wives have grown so importunate that they must needs have the like, and you are the chiefest cause in suffering her to wear the same: O good my neighbours (qd. M. Hobson) I have great cause in doing so, and i● brings me much quietness, as how (qd. one of them, marry thus (neighbours) for seeing I cannot please her above the knee, I must needs please her below the knee, and the only taing to please a woman is to let her have her will▪ 26. Of Master Hobson's rewarding a Poet for a books dedication. UPon new-year's day, M. Hobson sitting at dinner in a poet's company or as you may term him, a writer of Histories therecame a poor man and presented him a couple of oranges, which he kindly tool● 〈◊〉 a newyears gift, and gave the poor man for the same an angel of Gold and thereupon gave them to his Wife to lay up among other jewels, considering they had likewise cost him an angel▪ the which she did, the Poet sitting by, and marking the bounty of M. Hobson for so small a matter, he went home an devised a book containing 40. sheets of paper, which which was half a year in writi●h, and came & gave it to M. Hobson in dedication, and thought in his mind, that he in the recompensing the poor man so much for an orange, would yield far more recompense for his book, being so long in studying, M. Hobson took the poet's book thankfully, and perceiving he did it only for his bounty showed for the Orange given him wiled his Wife to fetch the said Orange, being then almow rotten, and gave to the Poet, saying here is a jewel which cost me a thousand times the worth in Gold, therefore I think thou art well satisfied for thy books dedication: the Poet seeing this went his way ashamed. 27. How M. Hobson gave one of his servants the h●lfe of a blind man's benefit. MAster Hobson●●eing still very good to the poor, and most bountiful to aged people, there came to him usually twice or thrice a week, ● silly poor old blind men to sing under his window, for which he continually gave him 12. pence a time. M. Hobson having one of his servants so churlish, and withal so covetous▪ that he would suffer the blind man to come no more unless he shared half his benefit, the which the blind singing man was forced to give, rather than to lose all: after twice or thrice parting shares, M. Hobson had thereof intelligence, who consulting with the blind man, served his servant in this manner; still he looked for half whatsoever he got, so this at last was M. Hobson's gift, who gave commandment that the blind man should have for his singing threescore jerks with a suf●●cient Whip▪ and to be equally parted as the other Gifts were the which were presently given; the blind man's was very easy▪ but M. Hobson's man's were very sound ones, so that every jerk drew blood, after this he never sought to diminish his Master's bounty. 28 How M▪ Hobson found out the pi●●stealer. IN Chri●●mas holy-days when M. Hobson's Wife ha● many pies in the Oven▪ one of his servants had stole one of them out, and a● the tavern had merrily eaten it: it fortune● 〈◊〉 day, some of his servants ●ined with him, and one of the best pies were missing▪ the stealer ●hereof after dinner he found out in 〈…〉▪ he ●a●ed all his servants in friendly 〈…〉 to the hall, and ●aused each of them to drink one to another, ●oth Wine Ale and 〈◊〉▪ till they were all drunk, then caused he a table to be furnished with very good cheer, whereat he likewise pleased them; being set altogether, he said▪ why ●it you not down●fellowes, we be set already qd. they▪ Nay qd. M. Hobson▪ he that stole the pie is not yet 〈…〉 that I do, quoth he that stole it, by which meames he knew what was then become of the pie, for the poor fellow being drunk could not keep his own secrets. 19, Of M. Hobson and a doctor of physic. UUpon a time when M. Hobson lay sick, and in very great pain there came unto him a D. of physic that told him he could not escape, but must needs die of that sickness. M. Hobson a while after, not by the D. help, but by the will of God recovered, and was whole of his disease, yet was he very low, and bare brought and as he walked forth one day▪ he met the said D. which doubting whether he was the sick man or no, said are not▪ you Sir, the man called M. Hobson? yes truly; (qd. he) are you alive or dead, said the D. I am dead qd. M. Hobson: what do you here then said the Doctor? I am here qd. M▪ H●b●o●▪ because I have experience in many Earthly things, and God hath sent me to the World again, with a commandment to take up all physicians I can get, and send them thither to him, which made him look pale, M. Hobson seeing this, said unto him, fear not M, Doctor, though I said all physicians, you are none; & there is no man that hath wit, will take you for one, therefore you are not in my charge: farewell. 30, How M. Hobson answered a popish friar. IN the reign of Q Mary, when this Land was builded with superstition, there was a po●ish friar that made an Oration in the Ch●●ter ●ouse yard, where many 〈…〉 of people, 〈◊〉 hear the same Oration, 〈◊〉 which number, there sat M. Hobson, which much ext●lling him that was then Pope of Rome, comparing him to St. Peter, for in degree he 〈◊〉 him above all the holy Fathers in time 〈◊〉, ●s Doctors, martyrs, Prophets, yea 〈…〉 more than Prophets, John Baptists: then (said he) in what high place shall we place this go●● man, what place I say, to ●it for him, or where shall he ●it? M. Hobson hearing him speak so pro●●i●ely▪ and sitting among the Audience, start ●p and said, if thou canst find no other place, set him here in my place, for I am weary, and so went his way. 31. How Master Hobson won a wager in m●king a Knight to laugh. THere was a Knight dwelling in London, that for the death of his Wife would not be comforted, nor of many days was once seen to smile; upon a time the chamberlain to this Knight, being in company with M. Hobson, laid a Wager of 40. shillings with him, that he should not make the Knight laugh by any means that he could do, whereupon the match was made, and the money staked down, for the winning of the same. M. Hobson gets him an ill favoured Masty bitch almost starved, and fills her belly with so much buttermilk and whey▪ that sh● 〈◊〉 to burst: so coming into the presenc● on the mouth and nose▪ that through the stopping of her winds, and her belly being so overcharged with buttermilk▪ that so strained her, that 〈◊〉 filled all the knight's Chamber: hereat the chamberlain grew so angry, that he said he would make old Hobson make it clean▪ or put hi● nose into it: not so chamberlain, said M. Hobson, I will not take your office out of your hand, for it is your duty to make clean the chamber: hereat the Knight laughed very heartily, and so M. Hobson won the Wager of the chamberlain. 32 How M. Hobson answered musicians. UPon a time M. Hobson lying in S. Alban's, there came certain musicians to play at his chamber door, to the intent as they filled his ears with their music, he should fill their purses with money: where when he had one of the servants of the inn (that waited upon him) to go and tell them, that he could not then endure to hear their music, for he mourned for the death of his mother, so the musicians disappointed of their purpose, went sadly all away. The fellow heard him speak of mourning, asked him how long ago it was since he buried his mother, truly qd. M. Hobson it is now very near forty years ago▪ the fellow understanding very well his subtlety and how wittily he sent away the musicians, laughed very heartily. 33▪ Of M. Hobson● teaching a Cow to speak. Upon a time M. Hobson being in company of a London Alderman▪ and being merrily disposed took 〈◊〉 pounds of the said Alderman, upon this c●ndition, that if he made not a Cow to spoke in ten years, and to read perfect English, he would have for the same a hundred: the match being made▪ with in few days after came one of his Neighbours and said he was unwise, and that he undertook a thing impossible, & that everybody laughed him to scor●●: to whom M. Hobson smiled and said, neighbour, I am nothing afraid of losing my hundred, for in the space of ten years, either I, the Cow, or else M. Alderman may die. 34. M. Hobson's teaching his man to use money. MAster Hobson had a servant so covetous, and withal so simple witted, that all the money he could get together hid in the Ground, of the which M. Hobson having some intelligence, ●ell a conjuring in this manner; with a Wand he so belaboured my young man that he presently revealed where it lay: the which sum of money M. Hobson took quite away all, saving a small sum; the which the poor fellow put to so good a use in buying and selling that in short time he greatly increased it: When M. Hobson understood what he had done▪ & what good use he put his money to, he said, sirrah, you can tell ●ow to use money, an● learn to make prophet thereof, I will restore to thee all again, and so he did, which made the fellow ever after a good husband. 35. How M. Hobson flouted a Jester. Upon a time M. Hobson dined with a company of merry fellows, amongst whom there was one that found much fault with his merry jests, and as the company ●at laughing and sporting together, they asked one another which was the most reverent part of a man's body one said the eye and another said the nose, another said the hand; but M. Hobson said the mouth was the most reverent part. Marry said the fellow that was the find-fault, the part that we sit on is the most reverent part: and because the company marvelled why he made this reason, marry (qd. the fellow, he is most reverent among the common people, that is first still set▪ which saying contented them all, and caused much laughter amongst them; and he that spoke it was not a little proud of his saying, in that he had overcome (as he thought in wit) M. Hobson: this passed on, the next night following, they were bidden again to suprer to the same place, where M. Hobson remembered the f●rmer jest of this scoffing fellow: thereupon he turned his backside toward him, and saluted him with a great fart against his face, the fellow dis●aning his rude salutation, said, ill nurtur'● old Knave, where wast thou brought up? why disdainest thou this (qd. M. Hobson) if I had saluted thee with my mouth, thou wouldst have found fault, as an inferior part and now I greet thee with that part of my body, which by thine own saying is the most reverent, thou art displeased; thus ●at M. Hobson again the praise that he had lost before, & the poor fellow was laughed at of the whole company. 36. Of M. Hobson's sore eyes, and his answer to the physicians. UPon a time, when M. Hobson had sore eyes another physician came to him thinking to have some recompense for his counsel, warning him that he should in any case forbear drinking, or else by the same lose his eyes: to whom M. Hobson said, it is much more pleasure for me to lose my eyes with drinking, then to keep them for worms to eat them up. Another time a physician came to M. Hobson and said, Sir, you look well, and grie●e at nothing and have a healthful countenance. Thus (qd. M Hobson) for I have not to do with any physicians, nor with physic: to whom he replied, Sir, said he, you have no cause to blame the physician▪ for his physic ne●er did you hurt. Thou sayest true qd. M. Hob●on) for if I had proved physic, I had not 〈◊〉 here alive. Another physician came to him on a time and said, Sir, you be a ve●y old man: very true, (quoth M. Hobson) for 〈◊〉 wert never my physician: such manner of checks and ●louts would he still give to them that spoke to him of physic, for in his life he ne●er took any. 37. How Master Hobson sold charms for the Plague. Upon a time in London, when great plagues was suspected to come, the common people went daily in great number to physicians to prevent it, M· Hobson seeing their simplicity, and the doubt they had of God's mercy, went about to hinder the physicians, whereupon he not only gave out speeches to his neighbours, but in most parts of the City, saying, that he had little writings fast sealed up, had such a virtue, that whosoever bore it hanging about his neck 15. days should not die of the plague: the foolish people trusting hereupon every one after his power, gave him money for a ●●rowle or writing sealed up, with a thread of silk about it, charging them that they should not open it, till it hung about their necks for the space of fifteen days, for if they took it away afore that time, it was of no virtue. Within a while after, the desire of folks was to know the contents of these writings: so in opening of them they found these li●es writ: the womens' charm for the plague was this, Woman when thou stoopest low, this lesson thou shalt find, Take heed of thy hinder part, for breaking too much wind. 〈◊〉 to such men that were so simple-witted as to believe his merry persuasions▪ and thereupon would fondly bestow their money, he gave likewise this charm in writing: Man that drinketh late over night take counsel by a fool: When thou risest pray unto God, thou mayst have a good stool. This was all the skill that M. Hobson had & the greatest help he could teach them: but this merry medicine of his made the ruder sort more wise, and not after that time so vainly to cast away their money. 38▪ How M. Hobson's jest of the sign of S. Christopher. MAster Hobson and another of his neighbours on a time walking to Southwark fair, by chance drunk in a house at the sign of S. Christopher, of the which sign the Good man of the house gave this commendation, S. Christopher (qd. he) when he lived upon earth, bore the greatest burden that ever was, which was this, he bore Christ over a river: nay there was one (qd. M. Hobson) that bore a greater burden: who was that (qd. the innkeeper) marry (qd. M. Hobson) the ass that bore both him and his mother: so was the innkeeper ca●led ass by craft. After this talking merrily together, the aforesaid innkeeper being a little whittled, or gone with drink, and his head so giddy, that he▪ fell into the fire, people standing by, ran suddenly and took river, nay there was one (quoth M. Hobson) that bore a greater burden, who was that (quoth the innkeeper) marry, quoth M. Hobson, the ass that bore both him and his mother: so was the innkeeper called ass by craft. After this talking merrily together, the aforesaid innkeeper being a little whi●tled, or gone with drink, and his head so giddy that he fell into the fire, people standing by, ran suddenly and took him up, oh let him alone (quoth M. Hobson) a man may do what he will in his own house, and lie wheresoever he listeth; the man having little hurt, with this fright grew immediately sober, and afterward foxe● M. Hobson & his neighbour so exceedingly, that coming over London bridge, being very late, ran against one of the chaine-posts, at which M. Hobson thinking tt to be some man that had justled him, drew out his dudgeon dagger, and thrust it up even to the very hilts into the hollow post, whereupon verily he had thought he had killed some man: so running away was taken by the watch, and so all the ●est was discovered: 39 Of Master Hobson's answer to a messenger of the Lord mayor. Upon a time M. Hobson had arrested one of my Lord mayor's kinsmen for a certain debt ●wing him, and being in the Counter, my Lord Maior sent one of his Officers for to entreat M. Hobson to be favourable & kind unto his kinsman, telling a long tale, and to little purpose, whom Mast. Hobson answered in this manner: my friend (quoth he) what thou saidst in the beginning I do not like of, and what was in the middle I do not well remember, and for thy conclusion, I understand it not: and this was all the favour M. Hobson showed to my Lord mayor's kinsman. 40. How Master Hobson bade an Alderman to dinner. THis M. Hobson on a time had a servant that was full of words, and too much talkative, being offended therewith he gave him in charge, to say nothing, and to answer to that he was demanded and no more: so upon a day M. Hobson made a great dinner, and sent his said servant some two days before to invite an Alderman of London thereunto, so upon the day when dinner time came, all the gu●sts stayed for the alderman's comm●ng till two of the clock, and at last M. Hobson said unto his servant: didst thou bid M. Alderman to dinner? yes truly said he, why cometh he not then, quoth M. Hobson? quoth the fellow, he said he could not: why ●oldst thou me not so, quoth M. Hobson? because said the fellow you did not ask me? Hereupon (though long first) they went all to dinner, and being merry together drinking of Wine, there came in a certain Russian and stole one of the fairest silver cups away: the which the fellow seeing, said never a word but let him go, which when M. Hobson missed, he demanded of his servant where it was: Sir, quoth the fellow, a thief came in and stole it away: why didst thou not stay him (quoth M. Hobson?) marry sir, quoth he, because he asked no question of me: after this, M. Hobson noting the simpleness of his servant, let him have his tongue at free liberty. 41. How M. Hobson grew out of love with an Image. IN the reign of Q. Mary when great superstition was used in England, as creeping to the cross, worshipping of Images, and such like: it was Mast. Hobson's chance amongst other people to be in the Church, and kneeling to an Image to pray, as it was then used, the same Image by some mishap fell down on M. Hobson and broke his head, upon which occasion he came not thither in half a year after, but at length by the procurement of his neighbours he came to the Church again, and because he saw his neighbours kneel before the same Image, he knéeled down likewise, and said thus, well I may cap and kneel to thee, but thou shalt never have my heart again so long as I live: meaning for the broken head it had given him. 42. How M. Hobson said he was not at home. ON a time M. Hobson upon some occasion came to M. Fleetwood's house to speak with him being then new chosen the Recorder of London, and asked one of his men if he were within, he said he was not at home, but M. Hobson perceiving that his Master bade him say so, and that he was within not being willing (at that time) to be spoken withal, for that time dissembling the matter he went his way: Within a few days after it was M. Fleetwood's chance to come to Maist. Hobson's, and knocking at the door, asked if he were within: M. Hobson hearing and knowing how he was denied Mast. Fleetwood's speech before time, spoke himself aloud and said: he was not at home; then said M. Fleetwood, what M. Hobson think you that I know not your voice, whereunto M. Hobson answered and said: Now M. Fleetwood I am quit with you: for when I came to speak with you, I believed your man that said you were not at home, and now you will not believe mine own self: and this was the merry conference betwixt these two merry Gentlemen. 43. How he answered a scrivener of the old religion. Upon a time, what with age, and misdieting himself he took so great a sickness, that he grew in danger of death, whereupon a scrivener dwelling by was sent for, who savouring somewhat of the po●ish religion, counselled M. Hobson to take the Sacrament, which is, said the scrivener, the very body and blood of Jesus Christ: to whom M. Hobson replied being then vpon a Friday, oh neighbour (quoth he) I will eat no flesh on fasting days: the scrivener hearing himself flouted of the sick man, moved to him no further questions, but fell to making of his Will, as followeth. 44. Of Master Hobson's last Will and Testament. IN the name of God Amen: I Master Hobson the merry Londoner, whole of mind, but sick of body, do here make my last will and testament, in manner and form following. First I give my soul to God, ●or that is his: my life to death, for he spares no man: and my body to the worms, for that's their nourishment: all my lands, tenements and moveables, to my wife and children, reserving a few legacies, which I mean to bestow on the World. I give to all Gentlemen such a desire of pride, that shortly an outlandish broker by them, shall be held more in request then an English ●aylor, and that London Citizens shall grow wealthy by the fall of riotous Courtiers: also I give and bequ●ath to London Merchant wi●es, that they shall carry the minds of Ladies of the Court, every month sick of a new fashion. Also I bequeathe that Country farmer's wives shall be in the fashion of the horn busk, and silk girdles. Likewise, to chambermaids, and waiting Gentlewomen, I give all my huge poking sticks, and French periwigs: But as for my smaller sort of poking sticks▪ I bequeathe to the modest sort o● Citizens wives. Also I bequeathe to all ●●nches above thirtene years of age, gold Hat●ands, changeable foreparts, ●nd silk girdles▪ and to young married men, I give all my yellow garters: points and shoestrings, all of a suitable colour: and to Kitchen maids that scour pots, and scrape trenchers, all my washed gloves and silk laces: and to all country dairy wenches, that ride to London markets with cream and buttermilk, all my masks, wyer-busks, and silk coloured scarves: and to conclude, to all England I bequeathe the pride and fashions of all other Nations: and if any will further understand what other gifts old Hobson the merry Londoner hath bestowed, inquire at his grave at S. Mildred's Church in the Poultry in London, where he now lieth buried. FINIS.