THE FURMETARY.   

THE FURMETARY. A Very Innocent and Harmless POEM.  
In Three Cantos.  
LONDON: Printed, and Sold by A. Baldwin, near the Oxford-Arms-Inn, in Warwick-Lane, 1699.   

THE PREFACE.  
THE Author of the following Poem, may be thought to write for Fame, and the Applause of the Town, but he wholly disowns it; for he writes only for the Public good, the Benefit of his Country, and the Manufacture of England. It is well known, that Grave Senators have often at the Palace-Yard, refreshed themselves with Barley-Broth in a Morning, which has had a very solid Influence on their Counsels; It is therefore hoped that other Persons may use it, with the like success. No Man can be Ignorant, how of late Years Coffee and Tea in a Morning has prevailed, Nay, Cold Waters have obtained their Commendation, and Wells are Sprung up from Acton, to Islington, and cross the Water to Lambeth. These Liquors have several Eminent Champions of all Professions. But there have not been wanting Persons in all Ages, that have shown a true Love for their Country, and the proper Diet of it, as Watergruel, Milk-Porridge, Rice-Milk, and especially Furmetry, both with Plumbs and without; to this end several Worthy Persons have Encouraged the Eating such wholesome Diet in a Morning, and that the Poor may be provided, they have desired several Matrons to stand at Smithfield-Bars, Leaden-Hall-Market, Stock-market, and divers other noted places in the City, especially at Fleet-Ditch; There to dispense Furmetry to Labouring People, and the Poor, at Reasonable Rates, at Three-halfe-pences, and Twopences a Dish, which is not Dear, the Plumbs being Considered.  
The Places are generally styled Furmetrys, becaused that Food has got the general esteem; But that at Fleet-Ditch, I take to be one of the most Remarkable, and therefore I have styled it The Furmetary: And could easily have had a Certificate of the usefulness of this Furmetary, signed by several Eminent Carmen, gardiner's, Journey-Men-Taylors, and Basket-Women, who have promised to Contribute to the maintenance of the same, in Case the Coffeehouses should proceed to oppose it.  
I have thought this a very proper Subject for an Heroic Poem, and endeavoured to be as smooth in my Verse, and as inoffensive in my Characters, as was possible. It is my Case with Lucretius, that I write upon a Subject not Treated of by the Ancients; But the greater Labour, the greater Glory.  
Virgil had a Homer to Imitate, but I stand upon my own Legs, without any support from abroad, I therefore shall have more Occasion for the Readers favour, who from the kind acceptance of this, may expect the description of other Furmetaries about this City, from  
His Most Humble Servant, And per se And.   
THE FURMETARY.  

CANTO I.  

NO sooner did the Grey-eyed Morning Peep,  
And yawning Mortals stretch themselves from sleep,  
Finders of Gold were now but newly passed,  
And Basket-Women did to Market hast,  
The Watchmen were but just returning home,  
To give the Thiefs more Liberty to Roam,  
When from a Hill, by growing Beams of Light,  
A s●●tely Pile was offered to the Sight;  
Three Spacious Doors let Passengers go through,  
And distant Stones did terminate their view:  
Just here, as Ancient Poets Sing, there stood  
The Noble Palace of the Valiant ●ud,  
His Image now appears in Portland Stone,  
Each side supported by a Godlike Son.  
But underneath all the Three Heroes Shine,  
In Living Colours, drawn upon a Sign,  
Which shows the way to Ale, but not to Wine.  
Near is a Place enclosed with Iron-Bars,  
Where many Mortals Curse their Cruel Stars,  
When brought by Usurers into distress,  
For having Little, still must Live on less;  
Stern Avarice keeps the Relentless Door,  
And bids each Wretch Eternally be Poor.  
Hence Hunger rises, dismally he Stalks,  
And takes each single Prisoner in his Walks:  
This Duty done, the meager Monster s●ares,  
Holds up his Bones, and thus begins his Prayers,  
Thou Goddess Famine that Canst send us blights,  
With Parching heat by Day, and Storm by Nights,  
Assist me now, so may all Lands be thine,  
And shoals of Orphans at thy Altars Pine;  
Long may thy Reign continue on each shore,  
Wherever Peace and Plenty lived before;  
I must confess, that to thy gracious hand  
I Widows owe that are at my Command;  
I Joy to hear their Numerous children's Cries,  
And bless thy Power to find they've no supplies,  
I Thank thee for those Martyrs who would fly,  
From Supe●●●●ous Ri●es and Tyranny,  
And find their fullness of reward 〈◊〉 me.  
But 'tis with much Humility I own,  
That generous favour you have lately shown,  
When Men that bravely have their Country served,  
Received the just reward that they deserved,  
And are preferred to me, and shall be starved.  
I can, but with regret, I can despise  
Innumerable of the London Cries:  
When Pease, and Maccarel, with their Harsher sound,  
The tender Organs of my Ears confound;  
But that which makes my projects all miscarry,  
Is this Inhuman fatal Furmetary.   

Not far from hence, just by the Bridge of Fleet,  
With Spoon and Porringer, and Napkin Neat,  
A Faithless Siren does entice the Sense,  
By Fumes of Viands with she does dispense  
To Mortal Stomaches for rewarding Pence.  
Whilst each Man's earliest Thoughts would banish me,  
Who have no other Oracle but thee.    

CANTO II.  
WHilst such like Prayers keen Hunger would advance,  
Fainting and Weakness threw him in a Trance.  
Famine took Pity on her careful Slave,  
And kindly to him this Assistance gave.  
She took the Figure of a Thin Parched Maid,  
Who many Years had for a Husband stayed;  
And coming near to Hunger thus she said;  
My Darling Son, whilst Peace and Plenty smile,  
And Happiness would overrun this Isle,  
I Joy to see, by this thy present care,  
I've still some 〈◊〉 remaining since the War,  
In spite of us, A. does on Venison seed,  
And Bread and Butter is for B. Decreed;  
C, D. combines with E, F's generous Soul  
To pass their Minutes with the sparkling Bowl,  
H, I's good Nature from his endless store  
Is still confering Blessings on the Poor,  
For none, except 'tis K. regards them more.  
L, M, N, O, P, Q. is vainly great,  
And squanders half his substance in a Treat;  
Nice Eating by R, S. is understood,  
T'Tis Supper, though 'tis little, yet 'tis good;  
V's Conversation's equal to his Wine,  
You sup with W. when e'er you Dine.  
X, Y, and Z▪ hating to be confined,  
Ramble to the next Eating-House they find.  
Pleasant, good Humoured, Beautiful and Gay,  
Sometimes with Music, and sometimes with Play,  
Prolong their Pleasures till the approaching Day.  
And per se And alone as Poets use,  
The starving Dictates of my Rules pursues;  
No Swinging Coachman does afore him shine,  
Nor has he any Constant place to dine,  
But all his Notions of a meal are mine.  
Hast, hast, to him, a Blessing give from me,  
And bid him Write sharp things on Furmetry;  
But I would have thee to Coffedro go,  
And let Tobacco too thy business know,  
With Famous Teedrums in this case advice,  
Rely on Sagoe, who is always wise.  
Amidst such Counsel banish all despair,  
Trust me, you shall succeed in this affair:  
That project which they Furmetary call,  
Before next Breakfast time shall surely fall.  
This said, she quickly vanished in a Wind  
Had long within her Body been confined;  
Thus Hercules when he his Mistress found,  
Soon knew her by her Scent, and by her Sound.   

CANTO III.  

HUnger rejoiced to hear the blessed Command,  
That Furmetary should no longer stand;  
With speed he to Coffeedro's Mansion flies,  
And bids the pale-faced Mortal quickly rise;  
Arise, my Friend, for upon thee do wait,  
Dismal Events and Prodigies of Fate!  
'Tis break of Day, thy Sooty Broth prepare  
And all thy other Liquors for a War,  
Rouse up Tobacco, whose delicious sight,  
Illuminated round with Beams of Light,  
To my Impatient Mind will Cause Delight.  
How will he Conquer Nostrils that presume  
To stand the attack of his Impetuous Fume,  
Let Handsome Teedrums too be called to Arms,  
For he has Courage in the midst of Charms;  
Sago with Counsel fills his wakeful Brains,  
But then his Wisdom Countervails his Pains;  
'Tis he shall be your Guide, he shall effect  
That Glorious Conquest which we all expect:  
The brave Hectorvus, shall Command this force  
He'll meet Tubcarrio's Foot, or which is worse,  
Oppose the fury of Carmanniels Horse.  
For his Reward, this he shall have each day,  
Drink Coffee, then strut out, and never pay.   

It was not long e'er the Grandees were met,  
And round News-Papers, in full Order set,  
Then Sago rising said, I hope you hear,  
Hunger's advice with an Obedient Ear,  
Our great design admits of no delay,  
Famine Commands, and we must all Obey;  
That Siren which does Furmetary keep,  
Long since is risen from the Bands of Sleep,  
Her Spoons and Porringers, with Art displayed  
Many of Hunger's Subjects have betrayed;  
To Arms (Hectorvus cried:) Coffeedro stout  
Issue forth Liquor from thy scalding Spout,  
Great One-and-All-i gives the first Alarms,  
Then each Man snatches up offensive Arms.  
To Ditch of Fleet, Courageously they Run,  
Quicker than thought, the Battle is begun:  
Hectorvus first Tubcarrio does attack,  
And by surprise soon lays him on his Back;  
Thirsto, and Drowtho, then approaching near,  
Soon overthrew two Magazines of Beer.   

The Innocent Sirena little thought  
That all these Arms against herself were brought,  
Nor that in her defence the Drink was spilt  
How could she fear that never yet knew Gild!  
Her fragrant Juice, and her delicious Plumbs  
She does dispense, (with Gold upon her Thumbs)  
Virgins and Youths around her stood; she State,  
Environed with a Wooden Chair of State.   

In the mean time Tobacco strives to Vex  
A numerous Squadron of the Tender Sex,  
What with strong smoke, and with his stronger Breath  
He Funks Basketia, and her Son to Death.   

Coffeedro then with Teedrums, and the Band,  
Who carried scalding Liquors in their Hand,  
Throws Watery Ammunition in their Eyes,  
On which Syrena's party, frighted Flies:  
Carmannio Strait drives up a Bulwark strong  
And Horse opposes to Coffeedro's throng.  
Coledrivio stands for bright Syrena's Guard,  
And all her rallied Forces are prepared;  
Carmannio then to Teedrums Squadron makes,  
And the Lean Mortal by the Buttons Takes  
Not Teedrums Arts Carmannio could beseech,  
But his rough Valour throws him in the Ditch,  
Syrena, tho' surprised, resolved to be  
The Great Bonduca of her Furmetry;  
Before her Throne Courageously she stands,  
Managing Ladlesful, with both her hands.  
The Numerous Plumbs, like Hail-shot flew about,  
And Plenty soon dispersed the Meager Rout.   

So have I seen at Fair that's named from Horn  
Many a Ladles blow, by Apprentice born;  
In vain he strives their Passions to assuage  
With Threats would frighten; with soft words engage;  
Until through Milky Gauntlet Sound beat,  
His Prudent Heels secure a quick Retreat.   
Jamque opus exegi, quod nec Jovis Ira nec Ignis,  
Nec poterit ferrum, nec edax abolere vetustas.  
THE END.