A Modern Account OF SCOTLAND; BEING, An exact Description of the Country, And a True CHARACTER OF THE People and their Manners.  
Written from thence by an English Gentleman.  
Printed in the Year, 1679.   

A Modern Account OF SCOTLAND.  
IF all our European Travellers direct their course to Italy, upon the account of its Antiquity, why should Scotland be neglected, whose wrinkled surface derives its original from the Chaos? The first Inhabitants were some Stragglers of the fallen Angels, who rested themselves on the Confines, till their Captain Lucifer provided places for them in his own Country. This is the conjecture of Learned Critics, who trace things to their Originals; and this opinion was grounded on the Devil's Bats yet resident amongst them, (whose foresight in the events of good and evil, exceeds the Oracles at Delphos) the supposed Issue of those Pristine Inhabitants.  
Names of Countries were not then in fashion, those came not in till Adam's days, and History (being then in her Infancy) makes no mention of the changes of that renowned Country, in that Interval betwixt him and Moses, when their Chronicle commences, she was then Baptised (and most think with the sign of the Cross) by the Venerable name of Scotland, from Scota, the Daughter of Pharaoh K. of Egypt. Hence came the rise and name of these present Inhabitants, as their Chronicle informs us, and is not to be doubted of, from divers considerable circumstances; the Plagues of Egypt being entailed upon them, that of Li●e (being a Judgement unrepealed) is an ample testimony, these loving Animals accompanied them from Egypt, and remain with them to this day, never forsaking them (but as Rats leave a House) till they tumble into their Graves. The Plague of Biles and Blains is hereditary to them, as a distinguishing mark from the rest of the World, which (like the Devils cloven Hoof) warns all men to beware of them. The Judgement of Hail and Snow is naturalised and made free Denison here, and continueth with them from the Sun's first ingress into Aries, till he has passed the 30th. degree of Aquary.  
The Plagues of Darkness was said to be thick darkness, to be felt, which most undoubtedly these people have a share in, as the word 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 (Darkness) implies; the darkness being appliable to their gross and blockish understandings (as I had it from a Scholar of their own Nation) Upon these grounds this Original is undeniably allowed them, and the Country itself (in Pyramids) resembles Egypt, but far exceeds them both in bulk and number; theirs are but the Products of men's labours, but these are Natures own handiwork; and if Atlas would ease a shoulder, here he may be sitted with a supporter.  
Italy is compared to a Leg, Scotland to a Louse, whose legs and engrailed edges represent the Promontories and butting out into the Sea, with more nooks and angles than the most conceited of my Lord Mayor's Custards; nor does the comparison determine here: A Louse preys upon its own Fosterer and Preserver, and is productive of those Minute-Animals called Nitts; so Scotland, whose Proboscis joins too close to England, has sucked away the nutriment from Northumberland, as the Country itself is too true a Testimony, and from its opposite A—, has calved those Nitty Islands, called the Orcadeses and the Shetland (quasi Shite-land) Islands.  
The Arms of the Kingdom was anciently a Red Lion Rampant in a Field of Gold, but An. Dom. 787. they had the Augmentation of the double Treshure, for assisting the French King; but his Majesty's Arms in Scotland is a more Hysteron Proteron, the Pride of the people being such, as to place the Scots Arms in the dexter quarter of the Escutcheon, and make the Unicorn the dexter Supporter, with the Thistle at his he●l, with a suitable Motto, Nemo me impun● lacessit, true enough; whoever deals with them shall be sure to smart fo●●…: The Thistle was wisely placed there, partly to show the fertility of the Country, Nature alone producing plenty of these gay Flowers, and partly as an emblem of the people, the top thereof having some colour of a flower, but the bulk and substance of it, is only sharp, and poisonous pricks.  
Woods they have none, that suits not with the frugality of the people, who are so far from propagating any, that they destroy those they had upon this politic State Maxim, That Corn will not grow on the Land pestered with its Roots, and their branches harbour Birds, Animals above their humble conversation, that exceeds not that of Hornless Quadrupedes; ma●…y perhaps some of their Houses lurk under the shelter of a plump of Trees (the Birds not daring so high a presumption) like Hugh Peter's Pu●s in her Majesty, or an Owl in an Ivy bush. Some Firr-woods there are in the Highlands, but so inaccessible, that they serve for no other use than Dens for those ravenous Wolves with two hands, that prey upon their Neighbourhood, and shelter themselves under this Covert; to whom the sight of a Stranger is as surprising as that of a Cockatrice. The Valleys for the most part are covered with B●●r, or Bige, and the Hills with Snow; and as in the Northern Countries the Bears and Foxes change their Coats into the livery of the soil, so here the Moorfowl (called Termagants) turn white, to suit the simple, though the Inhabitants still stand to their Egyptian Slew.  
They are freed from the charge and encumbrance of Enclosures, the whole being but one large Waste, surrounded with the Sea: Indeed in many places you may see half a Rood of Land divided with an Earthen Bank, into many differing Apartments, according to the quality of Beasts that are to possess them.  
The whole Country will make up a Park, Forrest, or Chase, as you'll please to call it; but if you desire an Account of particular Parks, they are innumerable, every small House having a few Sodds thrown into a little Bank about it, and this for the state of the business (forsooth) must be called a Park, though not a Pole of Land in't.  
If the Air was not pure and well refined by its agitation, it would be so infected with the stinks of their Towns, and the steams of the nasty Inhabitants, that it would be pestilentful and destructive; indeed it is too thin for their gross senses, that must be fed with suitable Viands, their Meat not affecting their distempered palates, without it have a damnable hogoe, nor music their Ears without loud and harsh discord, and their Nostrils (like a Jews) chief delight in the perceptible effluviums of an old Sir R—  
Fowl are as scarce here as Birds of Paradise, the Charity of the Inhabitants denying harbour to such Celestial Animals, though Gulls and Cormorants abound, there being a greater sympathy betwixt them. There is one sort of ravenous Fowl amongst them that has one web foot, one foot suited for Land, and another for Water; but whether or no this Fowl (being particular to this Country) be not the lively picture of the Inhabitants, I shall leave to wiser conjectures.  
Their Rivers, or rather Arms of the Sea are short, few places in Scotland being above a days Journey from the Sea, but they are broad, deep, and dangerous, pestered with multitudes of Porpoises or Sharks (some of them perhaps amphibious too, that live more on Land than Water) which destroy their Salmon, the great Commodity of this Country, which being too good for the Inhabitants, are barreled up and converted into Merchandise, etc. The Banks and borders of these Rivers (especially near their Towns) are adorned with hardy Amazons, though inverted, their valour being (chief) from the waste downwards, which parts they readily expose to all the dangers of a naked rencontre. The exercise of their Arms, I should say Feet, is much about Linen; Sheets are sufferers, a fit receiver is provided (not unlike a shallow Pulpit to mind them of their Idol Sermons) wherein foul Linen is laid to suffer persecution, so they turn up all, and tuck them about the their wastes, and bounce into a Buck-tub, then go their stock, and belabour poor Lint till there be not a dry thread on't. Hence came the invention of Fulling-Mills, the Women taught the Men, and they put in practice.  
The Country is full of Lakes and Loughs, and they well stocked with Islands, so that a Map thereof, looks like a Pillory Coat bespattered all over with Dirt and rotten Eggs, some pieces of the shells floating here and there, representing the Islands.  
Their Cattle are only representatives of what are in other countries', these being so Epitomised, that it is hard to know what Class they relate to. Their Horses are hardy, and not without Gall (as some say other Horses are) using both tooth and nail to mischief you; that they may not use more state than their Masters, they go Barefoot, which preserves them from the Gout; and if Hudibrasses Horse had been of this race, he had not needed a Corn-cutter: Their Furniture or Harness is all of the same matter, all Wood from head to tail, Bridle, Saddle, Girths, Stirrups, and Crupper, all wood; nothing but a Withy will bind a Witch, and if these be called Witches, I shall not oppose it, since by their untoward tricks one would guests the Devil to be in them; their Bridles have not Bits, but a kind of Musroll of two pieces of wood; their Crupper is a stick of a yards length, put cross their docks, both ends thereof being tied with woven wood to the Saddle. Their Bed and Board too is all of a same dry Straw, and when they have it up, whip on Harness and away. Their Neat are Hornless, the Owners claiming sole propriety in those Ornaments, nor should I deny them their Necklace too, for methinks that hoist wood would mightily become them. Their Sheep too have the same preferment, they are coupled together near their Master's Palace. Some Animals they have by the name of Hogs, but more like Porcupines, bristled all over, and these are likewise fastened to the  by the former Artifice; all their Quadrupedes (Dogs only excepted, in which sort they much abound) are honoured with wooden Bracelets about their Necks, Legs, or Arms, etc.  
Their Cities are poor and populous, especially Edinburgh, their Metropolis, which so well suits with the Inhabitants, that one Character will serve them both, viz. High and Dirty. The Houses mount seven or eight stories high, with many Families on one Floor, one Room being sufficient for all occasions, eating, drinking, sleeping, and shit— The most mannerly step but to the door, and nest upon the Stairs. I have been in an Island where it was difficult to tread without breaking an Egg; but to move here, and not murder a T— is next to an impossibility; the whole pavement is Pilgrim-salve, most excellent to liquor Shoes withal, and soft and easy for the barefoot Perambulators. The Town is like a double Comb (an Engine not commonly known amongst them) one great Street, and each side stocked with narrow Allies, which I mistook for Common-shores; but the more one stirs in a T— the more it will stink. The other Cities and Towns are Copies from this Original, and therefore need no Commentators to explain them; they have seven Colleges (or rather Schools) in four Universities; the Regent's wear what coloured  or Gowns they please, and commonly no Gowns at all, so that it is hard to distinguish a Scholar from an ordinary Man, since their Learning shines not out of their Noses; the younger Students wear Scarlet Gowns only in Term time; their Residence is commonly in the Town, only at School-hours they convene in the College to consult their Oracle Buchanan; their chief Studies are for Pulpit-preferment, to prate out four or five Glasses with as much ease as drink them; and this they attain to in their stripling years, commencing Mr. of Arts (that is meant only Mr. of this Art) before one would judge them fit for the College; for as soon as they can walk as fas as the School (which they will do very young, for like Lapwings they run with shells on their heads) they are sent thither, where they find no Benches to sit on (only one for the Mr.) but have a little Heath and Fadder strewed for them to lie upon, where they litter together, and chew the Cud on their Father's Horn-books, and in good time are preferred to the Bible; from this petty School away with them to the Grammar School, viz. the College where in three or four years' time they attain to (their ne plus ultra) the degree of A. M. that is, they can extempore, coin Graces and Prayers for all occasions; if you crack a Nut, there is a Grace for that, drink a dish of Coffee, Ale, or Wine, or what else, he presently furnishes you with a Grace for the nonce; so if you pair your Nails, go to Stool, or any other action of like importance, he can as easily suit you with a Prayer as draw on a Glove; and the wonder of all is, that this Prayer shall be so admirably framed, that it may indifferently quadrate with any occasion, an excellency no where so common as in this Country. Thus you see the young man has commenced and got strength enough to walk to the Kirk and enter the Chair, where we shall find him anon, after we have viewed the outsides of their Kirks, some of which have been of Ancient Foundations, and well and regularly built, but order and uniformity is in perfect Antipathy to the humour of this Nation, these goodly Structures being either wholly destroyed (as at St. Andrews and Elgin, where by the remaining Ruins you may see what it was in perfection) or very much defaced; they make use of no Quires, those are either quite pulled down, or converted into another Kirk, for it is common here to have three, four, or five Kirks under one Roof, which being preserved entire, would have made one good Church, but they could not then have had Preaching enough in it: Out of one Pulpit now they have thirty Sermons per week, all under one Roof, plenty of Spiritual provision which gusts much better with a mixture of the flesh; as you may guests by their Stools of Repentance in every Kirk, well furnished with Whore-mongers and Adulterers of both Sexes. In Venice, the shadows only of Courtesans are exposed to public view only in Effigy, but here the Whore in person has a high place provided her in the view of the whole Congregation for the benefit of Strangers, who (some think) need not this direction, but may truck for all Commodities with the first they meet with. They use no Service-Book, nor Whore of Babylon's Smock (as they term a Surplice) nor decency, nor order in their divine or rather contumelious Service. Would a King think himself honoured by Subjects, that Petitioned him with bonnet vailed, but cocked his Cap the while his request was granting, while precious Mr. Presbyter, grimaces, prays or houls, the Monster Rabble vails; but as soon as Text is taken, Blew-bonnet takes place again, and this Pulpit-prater is esteemed more than God's Ambassador, having the holy Spirit at his beck to prompt him every word he speaks, yet not three sentences of sense together, such Blasphemy as I blush to mention.  
Their Christen (as all other things) are without form, only water poured on the Infant, and such words used as Sir John's Mephistophilus supplies him with, and so the Child commences Christian, as good (or better) than the best of them. Some think Marriage an unnecessary thing amongst them, it being more generous and usual amongst them to take one another's words; however 'tis thus performed, The young Couple being attended with Tagrag and Bobtail, gang to Kirk, where Mr. Scruple (like a good Casuist) controverts the point in hand to them, and Schools Mr. Bridegroom in his Lesson, then directs his discourse to Mrs. Bride, who being the weaker Vessel, aught to have the more pains taken with her; he chalks out the way she is to walk in, in all its particulars, and joins their hands, and then let them fall to on God's name: Home they go with loud ravishing Bagpipes, and dance about the Green, till they part by Couples to Repetition, and so put the rules in practice, and perhaps Sr. Roger follows Mrs. Bride to her Apartment, to satisfy her doubts, where he uses such pungent and pressing Arguments, as she never forgets as long as she lives.  
When any one dies, the Bellman goes about ringing their passing Bell, and acquaints the people therewith, in form following, Beloved Brouthrin and Susters, I let you to wots that their is an fauthful Broothir lawtli departed awt of this prisant ●arld, aut thy plesuir of Aulmoughti Good (and then he vails his Bonnet) his Naum is Volli Voodcock, third Son to Jimmoy Voodcok a Cordinger; he ligs aut thy sixth door vethin thy Nord Gawt, close on thy Nawthwr Rawnd, and I would yaw gang to hus burying on Thrusdan before twa a Cloak, etc. The time appointed for his Burying being come, the Bellman calls the Company together, and he is carried to the Buryingplace, and thrown into the Grave (as Dog Lion was) and there's an end of Wolli. Few people are here buried in their Kirks (except of their Nobility) but in the Kirk Garths, or in a burying place on purpose, called the Hoof, at the further end of the Town (like our Quakers) enclosed with a Wall, so that it serves not only as a Burying place, but an Exchange to meet in; perhaps in one part of it their Court of Judicature are kept; in another are Butts to shoot at for Recreation. All agree that a Woman's tongue is the last member she moves but the Latin Proverb, mulieri ne credas, etc. seems to prove it after death: I am sure the pride of this People never leaves them, but follows them to their long homes (I was about to have said, to the Devil) for the meanest man must have a Grave-stone full fraught with his own praises (though he was the vilest Miscreant on Earth) and miserable memento mori's, both in English and Latin, nay Greek too, if they can find a Greek word for Cordinger, the Calling he was of, and all this in such miserable Scotch Orthography, that 'tis hard to distinguish one Language from another.  
The Castles of defence in this Country are almost impregnable, only to be taken by Treachery or long Siege, their Water failing them soon; they are built upon high and almost inaccessible Rocks, only one forced passage up to them, so that a few Men may easily defend them. Indeed all the gentlemen's Houses are strong Castles, they being so Treacherous one to another, that they are forced to defend themselves in strong holds; they are commonly built upon some single Rock in the Sea, or some high Precipice near the Midland, with many Towers and strong Iron Grates before their Windows (the lower part whereof, is only a wooden shutter, and the upper part glass) so that they look more like Prisons than Houses of Reception; some few Houses there are of late erection, that are built in a better form, with good Walks and Gardens about them, but their Fruit rarely comes to any perfection. The Houses of the Commonalty are very mean, Mudwall and Thatch the best; but the poorer sort live in such miserable Huts as never eye beheld, it is no difficulty to piss over them; Men, Women, and Children pig altogether in a poor Mousehole of Mu●, Heath, and such like matter, in some parts where Turf is plentiful; they build up little Cabins with Arched Roofs of Turf, without a stick of Timber in it; when the House is dry enough to burn, it serves them for Fuel, and they remove to another. The Habit of the People is very different, according to the qualities or the places they live in, as Low-land or High-land Men. The Low-land Gentry go well enough habited, but the poorer sort go (almost) naked, only an old Cloak, or a part of their Bed-cloaths thrown over them. The Highlanders wear slashed Doublets, commonly without Breeches, only a Plad tied about their Wastes, etc. thrown over one shoulder, with short Stockings to the Gartering place, their knees and part of their thighs being naked; others have Breeches and Stockings all of a piece of Plad ware, close to their thighs; in one side of their Girdle sticks a Durk or Skean, about a foot or half a yard long, very sharp, and the back of it filled into divers notches, wherein they put Poison; on the other side a brace (at least) of brass Pistols; nor is this Honour sufficient, if they can purchase more, they must have a long swinging Sword.  
The Women are commonly two-handed tools, strong-posted Timber, they dislike English men because they have no legs, or (like themselves) posts to walk on; the meaner go barefoot and barehead, with two black Elf-locks on either side their faces; some of them have scarce any  at all, save part of their Bed-cloaths pinned about their shoulders, and their Children have nothing else on them but a little Blanket; those Women that can purchase Plads, need not bestow much upon other , these Cover-sluts being sufficient. Those of the best sort that are very well habited in their modish Silks, yet must wear a Plad over all for the Credit of their Country.  
The people are Proud, Arrogant, Vainglorious boasters, Bloody, Barbarous, and Inhuman Butchers. Cozenage and Theft is in perfection amongst them, and they are perfect English-haters, they show their pride in exalting themselves and depressing their Neighbours. When the Palace at Edinburgh is finished, they expect his Majesty will leave his rotten House at White-Hall, and live splendidly amongst his noun Countrymen the Scots; for they say that Englishmen are very much beholden to them that we have their King amongst us. The Nobility and Gentry Lord it over their poor Tenants, and use them worse than Galleyslaves; they are all bound to serve them, Men, Women, and Children; the first Fruits is always the Landlords due, he is the Man that must first board all the young Married Women within his Lairdship, and their Sons are all his Slaves, so that any mean Laird will have 6 or 10. or more followers, besides those of his own name, that are inferior to him, must all attend him (as he himself must do his Superior, of the same name, and all of them attend the Chief) if he receives a Stranger, all this train must be at his beck Armed as aforesaid; if you drink with them in a Tavern, you must have all this Rubbish with you; and if you offend the Laird, his Durk shall soon be sheathed in your Belly, and after his, every one of his Followers, or they shall suffer themselves that refuse it, that so they may be all alike guilty of the Murder: Every Laird (of note) hath a Gibbit near his House, and has power to Condemn and Hang any of his Vassals; so they dare not oppose him in any thing, but must submit to his Commands, let them be never so unjust and Tyrannical. There are too many Testimonies of their Cruelty amongst themselves in their own Chronicles, 40 of their Kings have been Barbarously Murdered by them, and half as many more have either made away themselves for fear of their torturing of them, or have died miserably in straight Imprisonment. What strange Butcheries have been committed in their feuds, some of which are in agitation at this day, viz. Argile with the Macclanes, and Mac Donnels about Mula Island, which has cost already much blood, and is likely will cost much more before it will be decided; their spirits are so mean, that they rarely Rob, but take away life first, lying in Ambuscade, they send a brace of Bullets on Embassy through the Travellars body; and to make sure work, they sheathe their Durks in his liveless trunk; perhaps to take off their fire edges, as new Knives are stuck in a Bag-pudding. If an Highlander be injured, those of his own name must defend him, and will certainly have satisfaction from the Offenders: A late instance whereof was at Inverness, (a considerable Town) where one of the Macdonnels was slain, but shortly the chief of the Name came down against the Town with 1500 Men of his own Name, and threatened to sire the Town, but the Inhabitants compounded with them for 2000 l.  
Their Cruelty descends to their Beasts, it being a custom in some places to feast upon a living Cow they tie in the middle of them, near a great sire, and then cut collops of this poor living Beast, and broil them on the fire, till they have mangled her all to pieces; nay, sometimes they will only cut of as much as will satisfy their present Appetites, and let her go till their greedy Stomaches calls for a new supply; such horrible Cruelty as can fierce be paralleled in the whole world! Their Theft is so well known that it needs no proving, they are forced to keep Watch over all they have, to secure it; their Cattle are watched day and night, or otherwise they would be overgrown by morning. In the Highlands they do it publicly before the face of the Sun, if one Man has two Cows, and another wants, he shall soon supply himself from his Neighbour, who can find no remedy for it. The Gentry keep an Armoury in their own Houses, furnished with several sorts of fire Arms, Pikes and Halberds, with which they Arm their followers, to secure themselves from the Rapine of their Neighbourhood. The Lowland Language may be well enough understood by an Englishman, but the Highlanders have a peculiar Lingua to themselves, which they call Erst, unknown to most of the Lowland men, except only in those places that border on them, where they can speak both: Yet these People are so currish, that if a Stranger inquire the way in English, they will certainly answer in Erst, and find no other Language than what is forced from them with a Cudgel. If Cornelius Agrippa had traveled Scotland, sure Cookery had not been found in his Vanity of Sciences, such is their singular skill in this Art, that they may defy the world to rival them; King James' Treat for the Devil, that is a Poll of Ling, a Jowl of Sturgeon, and a Pig, with a pipe of Tobacco for digestion, had been very complete, if the ordering thereof had been assigned to a Cuke of this Country, who can suit every dish with its proper hogoe, and bring Corruption to your Table, only to mind Men of Mortality: Their Meat is Carrion when 'tis killed, but after it has been a Fortnight a perfuming with the Aromatic air, strained through the calmy trunks of Flesh flies, than it passes the trial of fire under the care of one of those exquisite Artists, and is dished up in a Sea of sweet Scotch Butter, and so covered and served hot up to the Table: O how happy is he that is placed next to it, with a privilege to uncover it, and receive the hot steams of this dainty dish, almost sufficient to cure all Distempers. It will be needless to instance in particulars so plain and evident to all that have travelled through the Country, that they may certainly bear away the Bell from all their Neighbouring Nations, or indeed from the whole world. Their Nobility and Gentry have Tables plentifully enough furnished, but few or none of them have their Meat better ordered: To put one's head into their Kitchen-doors, is little less than destructive; to enter Hell alive, where the black Fairies are busied in mangling dead Carcases, and the Fire and Brimstone, or rather stew and stink, is ready to suffocate you, and yet (which is strange) these things are agreeable to the humours of the people. The Poorer sort live of Haddock, Whiteing, and sour Milk, which is cried up and down their Streets (Whea buys sawer Milk) and upon the stinking Fragments that are left at their Lairds Table. Prodigious Stomaches, that like the Gulon, can feed on their own Excrements, and strain their Meat through their Stomaches, to have the pleause of devouring it again!  
Their Drink is Ale made of Beer-Malt, and sunned up in a small Vessel, called a Cogne; after it has stood a few hours, they drink it out of the Cogne, Yeast and all; the better sort Brew it in larger quantities, and drink it in wooden Queighs, but it is sorry stuff, yet excellent for preparing Birdlime; but Wine is the great drink with the Gentry, which they pour in like Fishes, as if it were their natural Element; the Glasses they drink out of, are considerably large, and they always fill them to the brim, and away with it; some of them have arrived at the perfection to tope Brandy at the same rate: sure these are a Bowl above Bacchus, and of right aught to have a nobler Throne than a Hogshead.  
Music they have, but not the Harmony of the Spheres, but loud terrene noises, like the bellowing of Beasts; the loud Bagpipe is their chief delight, Stringed Instruments are too soft to penetrate the organs of their ears that are only pleased with sounds of substance.  
The Highways in Scotland are tolerably good, which is the greatest comfort a Traveller meets with amongst them; they have not Inns, but Change houses (as they call them) poor small Cottages, where you must be content to take what you find, perhaps Eggs with Chucks in them, and some Lang-Cale; at the better sort of them, a dish of chopped Chickens, which they esteem a dainty dish, and will take it unkindly if you do not eat very hearty of it, though for the most part you may make a Meal with the sight of the Fare, and be satisfied with the steam only, like the Inhabitants of the World in the Moon; your Horses must be sent to a Stablers (for the Change-houses have no Lodging for them) where they may feed voluptuously on Straw only, for Grass is not to had, and Hay is so much a Stranger to them, that they are scarce familiar with the name of it.  
The Scotch Gentry commonly travel from one Friends House to another, so seldom make use of a Change-house; their way is to hire a Horse and a Man for two pence a Mile; they ride on the Horse 30 or 40 Miles a day, and the Man who is his Guide, feet it beside him, and carries his Luggage to boot. The best sort keep only a Horse or two for themselves and their best Friend, all the rest of the train foot it beside them. The Commonalty are so used to worship and adore their Lairds, that when they see a Stranger in any tolerable equipage, they honour him with the title of Laird at least, An't please you my Laird such a one, or an't please you my Laird D●. at every bare word forsooth.  
The Nobility show themselves very great before Strangers, they are conducted into the House by a many of Servants, where the Lord with his troop of Shadows receives them with the grand Paw, then enter into some discourse of their Country, till you are presented with a great Queigh of syrup of Beer, after that a glass of White-wine, than a Rummer of Claret, and sometimes after that a glass of Sherry Sack, and the● begin the round with Ale again, and ply you briskly, for it's their way of showing you're Welcome, by making you Drunk; if you have longer time to stay, you stick close to Claret, till Bacchus wins the Field; and leaves the conquered Victims grovelling on the place where they received their overthrow; at your departure you must drink a D●ngha Doras', in English, a Stirrup cup, and have the satisfaction to have my Lord's Bagpipe (with his loud Pipes, with his Lordship's Coat Armour on a Flag) strut about you, and enchant you with a Loath to departed.  
Their Money is commonly Dollars, or Mark pieces, coined at Edenbrough, but their way of Reckoning is surprising to a Stranger; to receive a Bill of 100 l. in one of their Change-house, when one would not suppose they had any of the value of 100 pence; they call a Penny a Shilling, and every 20 Shillings, viz. 20 pence, a Pound; so the proportion of their Pound to ours is twelve to one. Strangers are sure to be grossly imposed upon in all their Change-houses, and there is no redress for it: If an Englishman should complain to their Magistrates, they would all take a part against him, and make sure to squeeze him.  
The conclusion of the Abridgement of the Scotch Chronicle, is the rare and wonderful things of that Country; as in Orkney, their Ewes bring forth two Lambs a piece; that in the Northermost of Shetland Islands, about the Summer Solslict, there is no Night; that in the Park of Cumbernaule are white Kine and Oxen; that at Slanes there is a putrifying water in a Cove; that at Aberdeen is a Vitriolin Well, that they say is excellent to dissolve the Stone, and expel Sand from the Reins and Bladder, and good for the Colic, being drunk in July, etc. These Prodigious wonders in one Country are admirable, but these are not half of them. Lougness never freezes; in Lough Lommond are Fishes without sins: And 2dly. The Waters thereof rage in great waves without Wind in calm weather: And 3dly. and lastly, Therein is a floating Island: In Kyle is a deaf Rock 12. foot every way, yet a Gun discharged on one side of it, shall not be heard to the other. In another place is a Rocking-stone of a reasonable bigness, that if a Man push it with his finger, it will move very lightly, but if he address his whole force, it availeth nothing; with many more marvels of like nature, which I would rather believe than go thither to disprove. To conclude the whole bulk and selvedge of this Country, is all Wonder too great for me to unriddle, there I shall leave it as I found it, with its agreeable Inhatants in 
A Land where one may pray with cursed intent:  
Oh! May they never suffer Banishment.   
FINIS.