CITT AND BUMPKIN, OR, A Learned Discourse upon SWEARING And LYING, And other Laudable Qualities tending TO A Thorough Reformation. THE SECOND PART. LONDON, Printed for Henry Brome at the Gun in S. Paul's Churchyard, 1680. To the READER. IT is a great deal of Time, Pains, and goodwill, that I have employed upon my Duty, in the Vindication of the Church and State, from the Malice of bold, and petulant Libels: And not one word of Reply, save only from the pitiful Expounder of my Answer to the Appeal; (mentioned elsewhere) which was, (in truth) so clamorously silly, that instead of an Abuse, it proved a Compliment. But to see the Luck on't: Just as I was about to take out my Quietus; the Cause, cold i'th' mouth; and to every bodies thinking, without either Breath or Pulse; behold Two unanswerable Confutations; the One, in Manuscript, by way of a Familiar Epistle; and the Other, in Print. The Letter was a Prologue to the Book, as the Book may (in good time) be a Prologue to the Pillory; if making the King One of the Three Estates, may recommend the Author of it to That Preferment. This Epistle of his crept in the dark one night into my Booksellers Shop; as Naturally as if his Mother had been a Bulker, and yet the Man's no Bastard neither, at least by the Mother's side; as you will find by his Style and Logic: which speaks him as true a Son of the Kirk, as if the Pamphlett had been written with the very Milk of his Dam. It is drawn out into Two Large Folio's; and truly too much, and too beastly, to recite at length; so that I shall only present ye with, here and there a Taste, of his Vein, and Humour, and some short Notes upon it, by the By. He begins, Monsieur CRACK. Now there may arise some Controversy perhaps, among the Critics, about the Word Crack, and so I shall Expound it to ye: but you'll find the Rest to be Exceeding plain. One Griffith wrote a smart Paper of Verses upon Dr. Wild, wherein he called him the Presbyterians Jack-Pudding, This was an Allusion proper enough; for why should not Mountebanks in Religion have their Jack-Puddings as well as Mountebanks in Physic? But however, the Dr. took me to be the Author of the Copy, and in Revenge, (the News-book being at that time in my hand) was pleased to christian me the Crack-fart of the Nation. (As it may be many an honest man's Fortune to have a Wag to his Godfather. This Secret I have told the Reader in Confidence; and I hope it shall go no further: and upon that assurance I'll proceed. ['Tis no new thing (says the Letter-man) for Pimping to raise a Villain to preferment; and that has been of late your daily bread: For what is all yonr Impudent Scribbling, but the Act of Procuring, for Popery and Tyranny.] So that writing for the King, and the Church it seems, is writing for Popery and Tyranny. And again, Dr. Oates is as much above your Malicious Raillery, as you are below Common Honesty; and even CARE, I am Confident can bestow time better, then in minding the Yelps of such a Cerberus, such a Prostituted Rascal, a Sycophant to Cromwell; betrayer Then of Cavaliers.] Now if it be Malicious Raillery, to magnify Dr. Oates' services; to emprove his Discoveries; to Illustrate his Evidence; to recommend his Writings; to elevate his Abilities; to set forth his Hazards (on Both Sides) as well from the fanatics, as the Jesuits; to maintain him for a Canonical Asserter of the Church of England, against all Gainsayers; to Enumerate the Good-Offices he has rendered to the poor Protestants, and to pray that he may be rewarded according to his Deserts, for all the good he has done us: If this, I say, be Malicious Raillery, then am I guilty of it: But if all This be Good, where's the Malice? Or if it be True, where's the Raillery? And this is not all neither; the purging of my Self: But whosoever calls this Deference and Justice to the Doctor, by the Name of Raillery, does manifestly imply the Ground of it to be False; to the wounding of the Drs. Testimony, and to the blasting of him in the Reputation of his Literature, Probity and Manners. There's the same hand again in Tom and Dick; (for I'll publish his Pamphlet for him.) pag. 28. L'Estrange (he says) has Serenaded Dr. Oats of late most notably; and caressed him, just as Joab did Abner. In which Case I shall Appeal to Authority for Justice upon the Defamer of the King's Evidence, and a Loyal Subject both in One. In the same Page he makes a Proffer at an Argument. He that is not against us (he says) is with us: But L'Estrange never wrote against Papists, and therefore he's a Papist: by which Rule, if the Author never wrote against Lame Giles in Holburn, or a Little Lousy Monkey in the Old-Bayly, than the Author is a Lame Giles in Holburn, or a Little Lousy Monkey in the Old-Bayly. The man Sweats ye see, on the behalf of the Dr, but when he comes to his friend CARE he's stark mad, (the Lord bless us) and falls into Fits; Cerberus, Rascal, Sycophant, Traitor; (for there's a wonderful Sympathy, you must know, betwixt the Author and this same Care.) But these are the Ornaments, and Idioms of his Profession; I must not call them Lies, but Presbyterianisms. Yet again, [Really Roger, Thy Fiddle is as Damnably out of Tune, and Thy Credit as much out at Elbows, as when thou didst prostitute Body and Soul to Noll's High Nose; and thou wilt look shortly worse by half then Harris in the Pillory, etc. And yet once more, Prithee get S— (that Quintessence of Knavery) or any of the St. Omer-Rogues, thy Common▪ Companions; I see thee, and some Irish Cutthroats every Night with thee, at Man's, etc. Here's Another Flower of his Rhetoric, and the Blaspheming of a Protestant Martyr, over and above; with two or three Presbyterianisms more, into the Bargain. Here's Wit at Will ye see, in the Dialect, directly of a Western Barge: But the Man's in a Course of Physic, and there's no more Contending with him, then with the Governor of a Night-Cart, that carries his Arguments in his Tubs. It is said to be the Work of one Harry Langly-Samuel: But whoever it is, by my Troth, I do e'enpitty the Wretch, for he's set On, and only Barks for a Crust. But upon the whole matter there went more Heads than One, I'll assure ye, to this Learned Piece; and (as Lacy's Wench (in Monsieur Ragou) said of her Bastard, 'tis the Troops Child: And a very Unmannerly Brat it is; I'll be judged by the Thrid-Merchant else. Now to conclude in a grave Word or two, this way of Fooling is neither my Talon, nor my Inclination; but I have great Authorities yet, for the taking up of This Humour, in regard not only of the Subject but of the Age we Live in, which runs so much upon the Droll, that hardly any thing else will down with it. Give me leave to say further, that in this Dress of Levity, I have not only avoided the Scurrility of a Buffoon, and the Hyperbole of an Extravagant, and Unnatural satire; but I have endeavoured to paint Truth itself to the Life, without any Prepossessions of Malevolence against either Parties, or Persons. The King and the Church have been already destroyed (even within Our Memories) under the Disguises of Loyalty, and Holiness. And these Dialogues are only presented to the Public, as a kind of Historical Map of our Late Miseries; that by laying Open the Rocks, and Sands that we perished upon before, the People may be Cautioned against the Danger, and Design of a Second Miscarriage. CITT and BUMPKIN. The Second Part. Citt. LEt's e'en jog on to Hampstead then; and talk it out, where we may Look about us. Bum. True man's a meddling- Coxcomb, and there's an end on't. An Eves-dropping-Cur, to bolt in upon us out of a Closet so. Citt. 'Tis as I told ye, Swearing and Lying Governs the Word. Bumpkin, and ye may lay it down for a Maxim; that SWEARING and LYING Governs the World. Bum. Why what do ye think of Canting, Cozening, Plotting, Poisoning, Supplanting, Suborning. Citt. 'Tis all from the Same Root, and the Cunning of This Lesson makes ye Master of your Trade. Bum. Of what Trade, as thou lov'st me? Citt. The Trade of Mankind, Bumpkin; the Trade of Knavery: The Trade of turning Dirt into Gold: The Trade of Advancing Rascals, and Overturning Governments; the Trade of taking the Covenant with One hand, and Cutting a Throat with the Other; the Trade of the Temple-walks; The honest Affidavit-Trade. Bum. But dost thou call this an Honest Trade, Citt? Citt. Yes, yes, Bumpkin, it is a very Honest Trade that a man's the Better for; and he's a very Honest Man too that lives by his Calling. Why it brings Power, and Reputation along with it; nay and it brings Money too, that brings Everything. Bum. Reputation sayest thou? why they're two of the Damn'dest Qualities in Nature. Citt. And yet these two Damned Qualities, as thou callest them, got the Better of the Late King; and afterward of the Commons; and after That, of the Protector; and to be Plain with ye, Bumkin, 'tis all that we ourselves have to trust to. Bum. I cannot imagine what kind of Swearing and Lying it is that ye speak of. Citt. I do not speak of the way of the Bulleys; the Dam-meb●ys, or the Irish Cutthroats: I hate that Confounding, Damning, Sinking, Swear seldom, but to Purpose. Rotting humour of Swearing. I am for the Swearing Seldom, and to Purpose; that is to say, for the Engaging of a Party; or for the making out of a Stabbing Evidence, or so. Bum. Oh ho, I understand ye now: and the Scrupling of a Small Oath gives a man Credit in a Great One. Citt. There's a great difference, Religious Swearing, and Profane. betwixt Swearing in a Religious-way, and in a Profane; though the Substance of the Thing Sworn come all to the same Pass: for there's Heaven, and Hell in the case, on both sides. As in the Instance now of the Late Protestations, Vows, Oaths, and Covenants, that were Sworn in the Presence of the Almighty and Everliving God; and as the Lords and Commons should Answer for't at the Last day: In assertion of their Zeal, and Affection for His Majesty's Honour, and Authority, and the Establishment of our Religion, Laws, and Liberties. What a Dignity, what a Majesty is here in the very Style, and Number! Though in the Conclusion let me tell ye, the Project went quite to another Tune. Bum. Ay ay; the Dam of the Covenant in the Church strikes a man with such a Reverence methinks, over the Hector's Scandalous Dam in a Tavern. Citt. Most acutely observed: for the Scandal lies in the Condition of the Place, and in the Sound of the words, not in the Meaning of them. Bum. I had Terrible Qualms at first, Consciences harden by degrees. Citt, about the Swallowing of Oaths, and other Puntilloes of Scruple; but they are nothing so Frequent of Late, nor so Troublesome as they were wont to be. Citt. That will All over Bumpkin in time. Where's the Good Fellow that did not Puke upon his First Debauch! And a Bawd is never the less Reverend, because she Whimpered perhaps some Five and Fifty Years ago, for the Loss of her Maidenhead. Nay it was a good while, before our Hero's Themselves could bring their Oaths of Allegiance, and their Covenants to Conjobble together. Bum. Why for that matter; All's but Use Citt; All's but Use. Citt. Nothing in the World else: And when a man has got the Trick on't, if he has taken Twenty Oaths, he'll fetch ye up any One of them again, that you'll call for, with as much ease, as the Water-drinker at Bartholomew-Fair does his Several Liquors. Bum. It is certain, The Tye of an Oath. that an Oath, or the calling of God to Witness, is the most Solemn, and Universal Tye in Nature, and so Accounted, among People of all Nations, and Opinions. Citt. And there's no doubt, but the Influence that it has upon men's minds, is the most Powerful of all Impressions; and of the greatest effect, in the Manage of our most Important affairs. So that it is no wonder to see all matters of the Highest moment, as well Private, as Public, as well Warrantable, as Not, committed to this way of Caution, and Test. Bum. 'Tis very true, as in the Case of Testimony, Civil Duty, and Canonical Obedience. Citt. Now as the Wit of Man could never invent a more Competent Expedient, The Use and danger of Oaths. than These Oaths, well applied, for the Maintenance of the Government, and the Support of Public Justice: So whosoever would Dissolve this Frame, must find a way to introduce OTHER OATHS in Opposition to These; and to turn the Edge of the Law, and of the Gospel, against itself, by drawing the most Popular Lawyers, and Divines into the Party. This is the Naked Truth of the business; and to deal plainly with ye, unless you give me your Solemn Oath, that you'll be True to me, and Firm to the Cause in hand, I must not move one Inch further. Bum. Why then by all that was ever sworn by before, I will be Both. Citt. The League is now struck, and the sooner we Unmasque, the better; for it begets Freedom, and Confidence in each Other. Bum. Here are two difficulties in the way, which I would fain have removed; the One is, how to get the People to take such an Oath of Opposition as is here Imagined; and the Other is how to Countenance, and Palliate the keeping of That Oath, when they have Taken it. Citt. It was the Masterpiece of our Late Reformers, The Project and Mi●●ery of thee Covenant. to Contrive such an Oath, as in the Sense, and Grammar of it carried the face of a Provision for the Common benefit, and Security, both of King and People, upon pretence that the Government Civil, and Ecclesiastical, and the Protestant Religion itself were all in danger. This plausible Imposture went down with the Common People, without much Examination; especially under the Colour of a Parliamentary Authority to back it: And it was so far from appearing at first Blush, to thwart the Regular Oaths of the Government, that it seemed to the Multitude, rather to Second and Enforce them. But when they came to find, that they had sworn to they knew not what, and that This Covenant, being Originally designed for an Engine to Unhinge the Government, the Takers of it were tied up to the sense of the Imposers: They had but this Choice before 'em; either to comply with the Ends of the Cabal that set it a foot, or to deliver up their Lives, and Fortunes at Mercy. Bum. So that the Letter of the Oath, was For the Government, and the Intent Against it. But what Arguments did they use for the supporting of it, after the Discovery of the Fraud? Citt. Only the Common Arguments of Exorbitant Power; jails, Plunders, Confiscations, Axes, Gibbets, etc. for breach of Covenant. Bum. Well, but there was a Train of Contradictory Oaths afterward, One upon the heel of another, through I know not how many Changes of State; what became of the Covenant in those Revolutions? Citt The Single Covenant had all those Oaths in the Belly of it; The Covenant had all the following Oaths in the Belly of it. and as many more, as it is possible to find Cases within the Compass of human Apprehension: For it imported an Absolute and Implicit Resignation to the Will and Pleasure, of whoever was uppermost; so that the Submissions of those times were only looked upon as Passive, and Temporary Yield to the Present Power, still as One Interest justled out another. Bum. And there were some too, it may be, that when they were once Fooled out of the way, made it a matter of Conscience not to be set Right again. Citt. Oh, there were a great many that thought themselves bound by the Latter Oath, and Discharged of the Former; Especially, when they had got the better end of the Staff, and All Power is from God, in Their Favour. But to be short, whatout of Fear, Shame, Weakness, Obstinacy, and the like; they stuck to the Combination, and made themselves Masters of the Government. Bum. You have here set forth in this famous Instance of the Covenant, how Easily and by what Means the Multitude may be inveigled into Engagements; and you have laid open the Consequences of such Leagues, and the Difficulty of Retriving them: But how shall we apply. This Model now to our Purpose? Citt. Why just as They applied the Holy League of France, to Theirs: for the Common people have the very same Passions, the same Weaknesses, Now, that they had then: and if some of our Cock-brayned Zelots had not outrun the Constable, we might have been half way to our Journeys end by this time. Bum. Nay the truth of it is Citt; The Good Old Cause cools of late. the Nation is nothing near so hit upon the business now, as they were some Ten or Twelve months ago: and they grow still cooler and cooler methinks, every day more than other. Citt. And what's the Reason of all This, now? we play out Game too open, and the Plot's Discovered. Bum. Well well Citt, some body will smoak for this One day. Citt. If we could have contented ourselves with an Orderly Improvement of the Popish Conspiracy, and gone through the work of Religion, before we meddled with Matter of State; we had done the job, but the Republicans hurried us on so fast: (Ay and Great ones too) I should be lo●h (as thou sayst) to be in some of their Jackets for't. Bum. Nay really I was sensible of it myself, that they did things hand over head; and ran on many times without either Fear or Wit. But however, I should be glad to be particularly Instructed how far they did Well or Ill, What they should have done instead on't, where they did amiss; and what we our selves are to do, as the Case stands with Us at present. Citt. This is a Contemplation well digested, and I'll speak by and by to thy four Questions in course as they lie. We have been hammering (thou knowest) at Popery, The fanatics gained little ground till of late. Ceremonies, Subscriptions, Oaths, and Tests, Liberty of Conscience, and now and then a snap at Arbitrary Power, ever since the King came in, without gaining any ground upon the Government more than what we bought with our hard money; that is to say, so many flowers of the Crown, for so many Taxes, and Supplies. (The Nation being divided upon these Points, and the Crown and Church-Party standing in Opposition to the Other). At length broke out this accursed Design upon the Life of our Sovereign, and our Established Religion. Which Providence united Both Interests in One Common Cause, though with differing Ends. Bum. This you ' l say, was a fair Foundation laid, as to the Total destruction of the Papists, but when That's done, Citt, where are we to be Next? Citt. Why that will never be done man; No End of Papists. while there's a Surplice or a Blue Garter in the Three Kingdoms. For there's your Church-Papist, your Pentioner-Papist, your Papist in Masquerade, your Concealed Papist, these are all of●um forty times worse than your Known, Jesuited, and Barefaced Papist. And in One word, 'tis as easy a thing to give any man the mark of the Beast, that stands in Our way, as for a Horse-courser to make a Star in a Jades Forehead. Bum. Without all doubt Citt, and whosoever does not Petition, Protest, Associate, Covenant, Act, and Believe as We do, is a Rank Papist. Citt. Nay, How to know a Papist. I'll go further with ye Bumkin; I'll tell ye by a man's Evidence, his Furniture, his Trunk, his Brains, or his Estate, without ever examining his Faith, whether he be a Protestant or a Papist. I have led ye a little out of your way, to show ye this secret, and assure yourself, whenever this Cloak fails ye, y'are left Naked: But now to the Question of menaging This Occasion. So far as the Court, How far the Faction Acted Prudently, the Church, and the Bench went along with us, in the Opening, the Exposing, the Discountenancing, and passing Sentence upon this Hellish Plot, we could not do amiss. And then it was well followed, in getting the Popish Lords out of the House; In dividing the Order of Bishops, into Three Protestants, and the Rest, Papists; as it has been since, in feeding the People's Jealousies all over the Kingdom, with daily Intelligences of New Fires, New Plots, New Discoveries, to keep their Fears Waking, though in most Cases without any Ground whatsoever. Bum. 'Twas a plain thing there, in some of the Penmen of the Narrative to bring the King into the Plot against himself, was't not? Citt. Well, and was it not a notable Push, to charge it so home upon the Council, that they would clap Up no body for't? Bum. And really, to give the Intelligences their due, they han't spared telling his Majesty, the Judges, and the Bishops, their Own neither. Citt. It has been well enough done too, to brand those for Public Enemies, that would not go along with us; and for Popishly-Affected, that but so much as open their Mouths for Moderation; to ply his Majesty with Petitions, the City and Country, with Speeches, Remonstrances, and Appeals. The Starting the Case of the Succession was not amiss neither, nor the Precedent of Queen Elizabeth's Association. Bum: But I have heard my Old Master speak of that Association, as a Trick of State, with a special regard to the Queen of Scots, and● that though Cambden makes the Queen say that she had no knowledge of it before it was presented, he does not say so yet himself. Citt. There have been several Deliberations also upon Entering into Public Protestations of Joining as One man against Popery, that have been very Favourable to our Purpose: And it was no Ill Contrivance, the Burning of the Pope, with that Solemnity in Fleetstreet. Bum. And what do ye think of the List of the Unanimous Club of Voters? (That about the Court Pensioners I mean;) That was a Notable device, let me tell ye: for hardly any of them got into the House after. But still if all this has been so much to our Advantage, how comes it that we lose Ground, and that any thing else should take place Against us. Citt. We may even thank a Company of hotheaded Fools in our own Party. The oversight of the fanatics. For taking off the Masque too soon; and for Writing and Printing so unseasonably against the Civil Government whatever came uppermost: which they have done to that degree of Inconsiderate Rashness, that the Long Parliament had an Army in the Field, before they ventured half so far. They have already set the Lords and Commons above the King, placed the Government in the People, nay, they have been Nibbling already at the Militia, the Power of Life and Death, and of Calling, and Dissolving Parliaments: They have Revived the 19 Old Propositions; tearing his Majesty's Servants, and Ministers out of the very Arms of their Master; and they have as good as told the King in plain terms beforehand, what he is to Trush to, I do not speak here of any of our Parliamentary Proceedings; but of the Licence of Private Libertines that write and talk at random. Bum. Nay 'tis but too True, Citt; For't has been cast in my Teeth Twenty times: Matters are come to a fine Pass, they cry, when the King's Life is to be preserved by those that would take the Crown off on's head; and the Protestant Religion by the Professed Enemies of the Church of England. But now ye have told me wherein they did Well and Ill, let me hear in the Next place what they should have done if You had been their Adviser. Citt. They should have Perpetuated the Apprehensions of Popery by Good Husbandry and Manage; without running the whole Party down at a Heat, till there was hardly a Papist left in a Country for a man to throw his Cap at. Bum. Why That's the thing, man; They have destroyed the Game to that degree that we are even ready to Eat up one another. Citt. Ay, ay; Poachers have destroyed the Game. So many Poachers, they have spoiled all: We should have kept a stock of Priests and Jesuits in Reserve, and playd'um off now and then, one after another at Leisure. This would have entertained the Multitude well enough; and kept the Humour in a Ferment, and Disposition for greater matters. Bum. Very Right, Citt; We should have Hanged to day as we may Hang to morrow; for an Execution is an Execution; if it be but of One, as well as of Twenty. Citt. Yes, Much Blood turns Rage into Pity. and we see besides, that much Blood, and Numerous Executions turn the Holy Rage of a People many times into a Foolish, and Degenerate Pity: over and above, that at the Other Thrifty rate, we could never have wanted matter to work upon. Bum. There's hardly any thing, Citt; that has done us more Mischief, Rash Informers scandalife better Evidence than the Accusing of This Lord, That Commoner; This Bishop, That Alderman; This Citizen, That Country-Gentleman; for Popishly-Affected; when the whole world knows'um to be Churchof England-Protestants. One cries 'tis Spite to the Person, Another will have it to be Malice to the Government; a Third calls the Informers a Company of Rogues, that Care not what they say, and brings a Scandal upon better Evidence, Nay and who knows at last, but these pitiful Fellows may be set on by the Papists, to disparage the Plot? Citt. Not unlikely Bumpkin; For there's nothing makes men more Secure, and Careless, in the Case of Real Dangers, than the Frequent Triffing of them with False Alarms. But yet let me tell ye, as to the Other point; that it is not Simply the Charging of men, (according to your Instances) for Popishly-affected, but the Charging of them Unreasonably, that does Us the great Mischief. For our work will never go on without Popery; and rathen Want Papists, we must Create them. But This is not a Project to be perfected at a Heat. Bum. And we are not in Condition, Citt; to wait the doing of it by Degrees. What becomes of us Now Then? Citt. Oh, set your heart at ease for That, Bumkin. we have Twenty Irons in the Fire; and if those fail, we'll have twenty Fires more, and Twenty times as many Irons again in every Fire. We should have gone on, fair and softly, in the very steps of our Predecessors: But if men will leave the plain Road, and be trying Experiments, upon their Own Heads, over Hedge and Ditch, to find out a nearer way to their Journeys End; More hazel than speed. who can help it, if they break a Leg or an Arm by the way, and so fall short at last? Bum. Why then 'tis but so much time lost, and going back into the Road again. Citt. Just as if when a man has showed himself and Frighted up the Fowl, you should send him back again to his Stalking-horse to make his Shoot. But as it is, however, we must make the best of a Bad Game, and take our measures as we see Occasion. Bum. As how, take our Measures, I prithee? Citt. As thus Bumkin. We must shape our Course, Rules of Policy vary with the matters they are to work upon. according to the Circumstances before us, with a respect to the Power, and Interest of Parties, Change of Counsels, and to the State, the Humour, and the Instruments of Government: So that what's Beneficial to day, may be Dangerous to morrow, and perhaps Profitable again the Next. Bum. But how shall the Common People judge of these Niceties? Citt. Why they are not to Judge at all ye Fool; but to be managed, with Invisible Wires like Puppets; and not to know either the Why, or the What, of things, but to do as they are bid. Bum. I have been expecting a good while that ye should say something concerning Swearing. Citt. Why so I Have, and so I Will. But I'll first give ye the whole Scheme of the business in short. The Government can never be Undermined, but by a Confederacy; there can be no Confederacy without an Oath: Nor any thought of a Popular Oath, without a Colour of some Authority to Countenance it; Nor any Colourable Authority, but in a Well-Affected House of Commons; and that Qualification depends wholly upon a Right Choice of the Members, as that Choice again depends upon the good Inclination of those that Choose them. Bum. So that the goodwill of the People is the Key of the Work; and we have gained that point already. Citt. We HAD gained it Bumkin, Practices in Elections. but they fall off most confoundedly. The next step, is a Well-principled House of Commons. (and the Rest follows in Course,) How this will prove I know not; but the Nation has been warned sufficiently against your Ecclesiastieal Officers, Prelatical Men, Courtiers, Pensioners, Debauchees, and the like. Bum. Nay, we made the veriest Rogues of'um, in the Countries too: As Papists, Atheists, and the Devil and all. And yet, let me tell ye, the Court, and Country-Party carried it in many places in spite of the Hearts of us; but that's no fault of Ours, you'll say. Hold a little, Did not you tell me t'other day that we should bring our Petitions about again? Citt. Yes, I did, but the Committee has taken up Other Resolutions since; for it made such a Noise ye see, that people were taken Notice of, and undone by't. This fancy of Proroguing, and Dissolving, has dashed all. Bum. So that Petitioning is quite out of Doors then. Citt. No, not so neither, Bumpkin; but we must look hereafter to the Timing and to the Matter of our Petitions. Our Cock-brained Linen-draper there made a Filthy stir; I would his Tongue had been in a Cleft-stick. Bum. Well; but there are Swinging Petitions afoot yet, for all This. Citt. Nay we may live to see some of the Lords Spiritual and Temporal upon their Marrowbones yet, before we have done with 'um. But not a word of This, till we see how the Parliament's in Tune for't. Bum. And That's but Reason, Citt; for fear We should be for One thing, and They for Another. Citt. Wherefore 'twas wisely done of the Long Parliament, The Wisdom of the Long Parliament. to have a Private Cabal of their Own: For so long as they drew the Petitions Themselves, the House, and the Petitioners would be sure to agree upon the Matter. Bum. So much for the Timing, and the Matter of Petitions. But when shall we come to the point of Swearing, Citt? Citt. I'll lead ye to't in a Trice; First we Petition, for one thing after another, till we come at last to be Denied; The next advance is to Associate, and Then, to Swear. Bum. Well! but This must be under the Banner of the People's Representative. Citt. No doubt on't; and That's the Easiest thing in the World to compass, if we can but, First, get a Right House of Commons; and then, Liberty for them to Sit till all Grievances be Redressed: which was the very end of putting in a Clause for't, in the Late Petition? Bum. If we could bring it to That once, we should be just in the Old Track again. But what kind of Oath must it be at last? Citt. It must be an Oath made up of Ambiguities, The Composition of a Popular Oath. and Holy Words; not a halfpenny matter for the Sense on't; for you must know, that tho' it looks like an Oath of Religion, on the One side, 'tis an Oath of Allegiance, on the Other; and a Disclaimer of the King's, in Submission to the Sovereignty of the Commons. Bum. There's no great Question to be made of the Effect of such an Oath, and such a Conjuncture, as is here supposed; but how shall we come at it I prithee? Citt. Time, and Patience Overcome all things, Bumpkin. We have Friends, Brains, Money, and the grace of making the best of our Opportunities. One man is wrought upon by Ambition; Another by Avarice; a Third by Revenge; and we have our ways of Access to all Humours, and Persons. How many Favourites do we read of, that for fear of Impeachments, have Sacrifieed their Masters, to save their own skins. For Princes themselves are not without their Tractable, and Easy Seasons, of being Prevailed upon. Bum. From what you have here delivered, Change of accidents produce change of Resolutions. I draw This General Conclusion; that Change of Accidents must of Necessity produce Change of Methods, and Resolutions: (Provided always, that there be still maintained a Tendency, tho' by Several ways, to the Same End) and that, in all Cases, the Oath is the Sanction of the Confederacy. Citt. You have it Right thus far, Bumpkin; and you see what Power an Oath has as well upon the Bodies, as the Minds of men; even to the blowing up of the Soundest Foundations, and to the drawing Order afterward out of That Confusion. You see, in short, the Effects of it in a Political way; and the Ordinary Means of gaining it. You would not think now, what an Advantage He has above Other People, in the Common Affairs and Business of the world, (even betwixt Man and Man) that has been trained up in This School of Popular Confederacies, and Contracts. Bum. Nay, Natural Faculties in swearing. Practice, and Experience are Mighty Helps, beyond all peradventure: But yet I have seen some People go a great way in Swearing, by the mere strength of Nature. Citt. Yes, yes; for a Downright Dunstable, Thorough-paced way of Swearing; a Ready Tongue, with a good Memory; and a Competent stock of Assurance will do very Pretty things. Bum. Why I had a Friend tother day that was at a Loss for a Release; he made no more ado, but away into Alsatia, where he told his Story in the Hearing of two Competent Witnesses; and whip Sir Jethro they had him in a Twinkling, and so brought him off with Honour. Citt. This Old Fashioned way did well enough in strafford's days and Laud's: But we are now Infinitely Refined. And yet I cannot but allow that a Happy Genius may do a great deal that way; but when you come to casuistical Points that require Reading, Conference, and Invention; what will become of your Thorough-paced Alsatia-man, do ye think, with his Natural Talon? Why thou art in the Altitudes, Citt; a casuistical Oath sayest? What is the knack of That same casuistical Oath, I prithee? Citt. A casuistical Oath, A Casuistical Oath. Bumpkin; is an Oath with a Nicety in it: which Nicety may be solved Two ways; either by bringing the Oath to the Conscience, or the Conscience to the Oath. As for Example; The Covenant was a casuistical Oath, wherein the Words were First brought to the Conscience, and then the Conscience to the Intent. Bum. Let me put some Cases to ye, Cases of Conscience. suppose a Man sworn out of his Right by One False Oath: Whether or no may a Body swear him into't again by Another? Citt. Without dispute you may: (See the Holy Commonwealth.) For it becomes an Oath of Providence, when it is applied to the maintenance, and support of Truth, and Justice. And this holds too in swearing against the Enemies of the Gospel; when the Excellency of the End a tones for the Iniquity of the Means. Or at worst, 'tis but venturing to become a Castaway (after a Scripture Example) for a General Good. Bum. Ay, The Saints show a Text for all they do. that's a sure way Citt, for a man to show a Text for all he does. As how should the Saints have warranted their Violence against the Late King, and his Loyal Nobility; if it had not been for that Text in their favour, they shall bind their Kings in Chains and their Nobles in Links of Iron. Citt. Or let us imagine that a man has a Wife and Children, and not a bit of bread to put into their Heads: what do you think of a False Oath in such a Case, for a Livelihood? Bum. Nothing Plainer, for he's worse than an Infidel that does not provide for his Family. Citt. But then here's Another Subtlety for ye: A Nice Point. One man swears what he thinks, and it proves False: Another swears what he does Not think, and it proves True. As thus, I see a Person walking in his Formalities, and swear, there goes such a Doctor; and it proves to be a Baboon; I see somebody in the Chair, and take him for a man of Quality, and he proves to be a Knight of the Post. Bum. This is only swearing to the best of a man's knowledge. Citt. But what if I should swear that Gentleman in the Gown, to be a Baboon, and the other resemblance of a man of Quality, to be a Knight of the Post: And yet, without my believing either the One or the Other, they prove to be such, How goes That point. Bum. Such an Averment (I conceive) is to be taken rather for an Inspiration, than an Oath. Citt. Now there's Another way of swearing too: Swearing with a Salvo. And that is, with a Salvo, or Reserve; which the Doctors of the Separation have in great Perfection (the Jesuits call it a Mental Reservation) as the King's JUST Privileges:— Accord to the BEST-REFORMED Churches:— As far as LAWFULLY I may— and the like. Bum. What do ye think of Him that parting from a good Fellow with a Pot at's Head, Vulgar shifts. made Affidavit in Court (to excuse his Non-appearing) that he left him in such a Condition that he believed he could not live a Quarter of an hour in't? Citt. Ay, ay, and the guiding of a Dead man's hand to the signing of a Deed, and then swearing to the Hand, these are Vulgar shifts. Bum. But pray what's the meaning of that Text that says, swear not at all? For we must live up to our Rule. Citt. If we had not Other Texts to Justify swearing, Against swearing without Profit. we must have understood it according to the Letter. This is only meant of Profane, Customary, Vain, and Inconsiderate Swearing, without either Provocation, or Profit. And it is better certainly, for a man to make his Fortune by One Pertinent Oath, securing his Future State, by a matter of twenty pound a year, to a Lecture, when he dies; then to go to the Devil, out at the Elbows, for a Million of Idle ones. Bum. But what did ye mean, even now by Conference, and Invention about swearing? Citt. Conference is nothing in the World but putting of your Fiddles in ●une: Of Conference and Invention in swearing. And Invention helps every man in the Gracing of his Part. But then there's the Invention WHAT, and the Invention HOW; the Invention of the Matter, and the Invention of the Manner? 'Tis enough, as to the Matter, that it be fitted to the stress of the Question: But the Regulating of the Manner requires great Skill, Care, and Judgement. There's nothing that more recommends an Evidence, either to the Bench, or Jury, than Modesty of Behaviour, (even to the degree of Bashfulness) Mildness of Speech; a seeming Scruple of being Positive, where the point is nothing to the Purpose: but a Disovery of Passion, Ficrecnesse, and Prepossession in a Cause, spoils all, and makes the Testimony look like Malice, or Revenge. Bum. I'm instructed thus far. But where's the Advantage all this while, that an Old Covenanter has of a Novice, as you were saying e●en now? Citt. Oh, they are Many, and Great. First, he has gotten the Command of his Conscience, The advantage an old Covenanter has of a Novice. and brought it to Stop, and Turn, at pleasure, Secondly, He's true to his Marque, spring him what Game ye will, he Flies it Home. Thirdly, he has the Digestion of an Ostrich; for after the Swallowing of the Crown, and the Mitre, there's nothing rises in his Stomach. Fourthly, there's no fear of him, for sniulling, or Repenting, and telling of Tales; for he's above the Common Fooleries of Counsel, Argument, or Remorse. Bum. Nay, 'tis with our Consciences as with our Jades; a Fancy, or a Windmill, puts them out of their Wits, till they're used to't. And there's no fear of his Flinching neither, I'll grantye: For a Conscience that has stood firm under the Ruin of Three Kingdoms, will never Boggle sure in the Case of Single Persons. And yet I find many of our Old Stagers come about too. How shall I distinguish now which of them are Sound, and which Rotten at Heart? Citt. There were Some, ye must know, that swore either in Simplicity, or to save a Stake: And Others, in Design. Now those that were Noosed Before, may be hampered Again; and those that complied for Advantage, Then, will do so Still. And for the Designers, they may be known by the favour they show to their Old Principles, and Friends; which is an Infallible sign of the Old Leaven in them still. Bum. I'm of thy Opinion, Citt; and that they'll do us though Service still, of Honourable spies in an Enemy's Quarter. Citt. But what do we talk of True, True & false only matter of opinion. and False; which, in this Fallible world, is little more than Matter of Opinion? A True Oath, Out-Sworn, passes for a False one; and a False Oath, not detected passes for a True one: So that the Scandal of the One, and the Reputation of the Other is a thing of Mere Chance. Nay, in the practice of the World, 'tis rather the Folly, than the Crime of the Falsehood that marquess a man for a Rascal: For why should Perjury be more Venial in One Case, then 'tis in Another? Damn, Sirrah, (says a Huff to his Lackey) if I don't beat your Brains out; and yet he does not so much as Touch him. A young Fellow says a thousand times more to his Mistress, or to his Creditor, and makes not one word of it good. A Bully will do as much to an Unbelieving Tailor for a Suit of Clothes, tho' he never intends to pay him. And yet here's no Talk of Inditements, Pillories, or Loss of Lugs in the Case. Bum. The Reason holds, I must Confess; tho' the Instances do not perfectly Agree: For the One is an Oath Originally False in the Matter of it; and the Other is an Oath, made False by a Subsequent breach of it. Citt. Well, but all is Forswearing still. And why a Perjury in Choler, in Love; for a Paltry Sum of Money, or a pair of pitiful Trowzes, should pass only as words of Course, and yet so much Load he laid upon a stretch for the Relief of a Necessitous Family, the gaining of an Estate, the Preserving of Religion; and perhaps the Conversion of a Kingdom: This is a thing, I say, that I do not Comprehend. Bum. This is the Law; the Law, Citt; the damned Law! that's the ruin of us all. And what is this Law at last? Citt. It is just throwing up of Cross or Pile in a Vote. We took Cross, and it happened to be Pile; and so we lost it. In short, and in Earnest, we are guilty of Breach of Faith in the most Solemn duties of our Christian Profession. Bum. Thou hast spoken more for the Power, the Mystery, and the Benefits of Swearing, than the whole Assembly of Divines, the blessed Synod Themselves. I prithee try thy skill, now, upon the Faculty of LYING; which as it Naturally goes before the Other, so I think it should have preceded too in the Order of place. Citt. So it does, and it should have so preceded; but that Swearing and Lying comes better off the Tongue, methinks, then Lying and Swearing. Bum. This Lying is but a Course word; the precise folk in the Country call it Fibbing; but That will not do so Well neither: For Fibbing and Lying, differ just as Tripping, and Stumbling, or in some sense, as Jest and Earnest. So that I find it must be Lying at last. The Laudable Faculty of LYING. Citt. To handle the point Methodically, Bumpkin, there are Lies, Lies Tacit and Express. Tacit, and Express. Tacit, as by Looks, Signs, Actions, Gestures, Inarticulate Tones: Express, as Words at Length; and those are Lies either of Creation, Composition, Substraction, Amplification, or Addition: I might carry it farther to Lies Ecclesiastical, and Civil; but I'm loath to spin the third too Fine. Bum. These are High points, Citt; how shall a man tell a Lie I prithee, without Opening his Mouth? Citt. Why? didst thou never hear of the Language of the Fingers? But the Question is here upon Hinting One thing, and Meaning Another; and Especially in Politics, and Religion, in order to a Through Reformation. Bum. I have heard a world of Talk of that same Through Reformation; A Through Reformation. all our Meetings ring on't; and there's such a deal of Clutter about the Babylonish Garment; the not leaving of a Hoof behind; Root and Branch, and the Like: But I could never reach the bottom on't yet. Citt. Take notice then that there is a Simple, or Partial Reformation, A Partial and a Through Reformation. and there is a Through Reformation; the First, in the Language of the Reformers, is only Pruning of some Exorbitancies in Church and State; As the Regulating of the King's Courts, paring the Nails of the Prerogative; the Lopping off here and there a Rotten Lord, or a Popish Bishop; the Removal of an Evil Councillor, the purging of a Disaffected House of Commons, or so: The Other leaves no King, no Lord, no Bishop, no House of Commons at all; and briefly, it signifies the turning of a Monarchy into a Commonwealth, The End of this Reformation. an Episcopacy into a Presbytery, and our Great Charter into our Will and Pleasure. In One word; it is Dismounting of our Superiors, and getting ourselves into the Saddle. Bum. Well, but This must be done by degrees. Citt. Ay marry must it, Bumpkin; and many a good morrow too, before we come to the point. There must be Petition upon Petition; Remonstrances; Grievances; Popery; Tender Consciences; Fast; Seeking of the Lord, Religion, Liberty, and Protestations, without End. Bum. Yes, yes, ye told me somewhat of this before, but it lies in a little compass; We must Get what we can by Begging, and then Take the Rest. Citt. But now let me show ye in General, The Reformers Two Topiques. how this is to be done. Whatsoever lessens the Government, and Exalts the Dissenters in the Eyes of the People, we are to consider as a proper Medium toward a Thorough-Reformation; and this must be done by Hook or by Crook; but provided the thing be done, no matter how. Bum. But however Citt, we had better do't upon the Square, as far as the Matter will bear it, and make out the Rest by Fibbing. Citt. That's a thing of Course Bumkin, Their Act and diligence. to uncover the Nakedness of the Government, and rip up the Errors, and Distempers of Church and State. Why we have a Committee for the Registering of maladministrations; we have our Spies up and down from the Bedchamber to the Meal-tub: There's not a Tennis-Court, not a Bawdy-House, not an Eating, or Drinking-house about the Town that escapes us; not a Glass, not a Word, not a Frolic, in any Considerable Family but we have it upon Record; and we have those that will make it all good too upon Oath. Bum. And this goes a great way, let me tell ye, Citt. for the People never consider that Rulers are Flesh and Blood, as well as Other men: and if any thing goes amiss, they think there's no setting it Right again, without taking the whole Frame to Pieces. Citt. True Bumkin, and that's the thing that must do our Work; but then if Truth, and matter of Fact will not hold out, we must have Recourse to Invention. And now I come to my Text. You remember the two Topiques I gave ye, of lessening the Government, and Advancing our selves. Bum. Yes, yes, but a Government may be Lessened several ways. Several ways of lessening Authority. Lessened in Authority, Lessened in Power, Lessened in Reputation; that is to say, in the Esteem. and Affections of the People, either by Hatred, or Contempt. Citt. Very well, and so have we our several ways of making ourselves Popular: All which must be done by Emproving Opportunities before us, toward these two Ends. Bum. But prithee tell me what Advantage can we make of Signs, The language of Nature above that of Compact. or how shall a man tell a Fib, without a word speaking. Citt. Why dost not thou know (Bumkin,) that the Language of Nature is infinitely more Powerful, and Significant, then that of Compact? 'Tis impossible to put the force of Looks, Groans, Actions, A Lie without a word speaking. and Gestures into Words, Is it not a Lie to look as if we prayed, and yet Curse in our Hearts; Or under Colour of a Charity, to put a shilling into the Basin, and take half a Crown out? Lord turn the King's Heart: (says the man above) which draws so sorrowful a Countenance after it, from one end of the Tabernacle to the Other, that you'd swear we were either falling into the 'leventh Persecution, or that the Pope were already on this side Highgate. Bum. 'Tis a strange thing Citt, the Agreement that we find in many things, betwixt Reasonable Creatures, and brute Animals, One Groan runs quite through the Meeting, just as One Note, sets a whole pack of Beagles a yelling. Citt. This way of Juggling, and Dissembling by Signs is certainly very Artificial, and of Incredible Effect; but a man may better understand, then express it: And Our People are the most dextrous of all men living at that way of Address. Bum. But what say you now to the business of Lying, or Fibbing, Of Fibbing in words at length. in words at length? Pray'e take your Heads in Order, and read upon them: And let me see some Instances how to apply them to the purposes of drawing the Affections of the People from the Government, to ourselves. Citt. There is, First, a Lie or (let it be rather) a Figment of Creation, which Imports the raising of Something out of Nothing, and is a Figure not to be employed, but with Infinite Caution. Bum. Prithee go on Citt, (for my Brain Clarifies strangely upon't) and make me understand where I may make use of it, and where not. Citt. I may be useful, A Ly, or Figment of Creation. where the present Belief of a thing may be of greater Benefit, and Service, than the Future Discovery of it, can be a Detriment: As the Figment of the Late Kings; being Confederate with the Irish Rebels, the Cavaliers cruelty at Branford, etc. Now though these Impostures had no Foundation at all, they served the present turn yet, for the moving of the City, and the drawing of men together upon that Occasion; and when the Truth came afterwards to Light, the Frogery was only taken notice of as a Cheat, and that was all. Bum. Ay, and I have heard of the Fobbed Letters, and the Plague-plaisters, and the Tricks they had in those days, still is One Plot cooled, for the Bolting of Another. These Devices stood 'em in great stead; and we have seen something on't of Late, in the Rumours of the Kings raising an Army to awe the City, and the Parliament; and the Forty Thousand French upon the Isle of ●urbeck. These Stories let me assure ye Citt, keep the Humour stirring. Citt. But what do ye think of the Invention of the Protestant Martyrs Domestic? Where he tells ye of one of his Royal Highness' Servants at Edinburgh, that was worse than Malcussed, for he had both his Ears cut off; and then of the throwing Stones at the Windows of his Oratory? Bum. Why Citt, was this a Lie (as thou call'st it) of Creation then? Citt. Without the least Colour for't in the World. The Protestant Domestiques Mistake. Now 'tis not the Fiction, but the Imprudence of it, that Vexes me: For as to the Former, it is certain that the Duke was treated both in himself, and in his Train, with the Highest Instances of Welcome and Respect imaginable: And then for the Other, the Scots were so far from discountenancing the Office of the Church, that a great many of the Nobility, and Persons of Quality have taken up the Use of it in their Own Families. Now for Him to impose this Fiction upon the world, without any pressing Necessity, and to no purpose at all, when he might be sure of a Contradiction by the next Post; This I say was a great slip of a wise man. Bum. Come, come, Citt. The good man is not so much to be blamed neither; for his Intention was to render the Duke Low in the Opinion of the People, and to discredit the Common-Prayer. Pray'e call to mind the account he gave of the famous Motion in the City, for the doubling of their Guards, and then set the One against the Other. Citt. No, no, Bumpkin; This is not to reflect upon Him; but only to show thee how to apply this Figure. There is another, and a more Profitable Fiction, in regard that it is hard to be detected, Intentions not liable to proof. as being grounded upon Thought and Intention; as the Late King's Design of setting up Arbitrary Power and Popery; his purpose of coming into London one night with his Papists, and Cavaliers, to burn, kill, and ravish all before him. Now This was an Invention of great Force; For though in my Conscience his Majesty never intended it, yet the story passed for current with the Multitude; only by the Vigilance of some active and zealous Patriots it was prevented. These Figments you may apply to the Head of Lessening the Credit of the Government. Bum. And in some degree, I hope, of advancing our selves; for such a deliverance works Both ways. Citt. Oh, greatly, Bumpkin; For as the People were possessed One way against the King, for Designing upon their Liberties, Properties, and Religion; so were they as much persuaded on the Other hand, in favour of those that put themselves in the gap, to withstand That Oppression: whereas by the sequel it appeared, that the King's Design was only to defend the Government, and the Others, to Invade it. Bum. We have run much of late upon This Vein of Intention, and it has done notably well with us too; for we have shaken the very Foundations of the Government with it. Citt. O, Bumpkin, thou dost not know the Charm of those Four Syllables, The Force of the word Affected. Intention; the Irresistible power and virtue of that little word, AFFECTED: Popishly-Affected, Tyrannically-Affected; This was it that blew up three Kingdoms but the Other day; Fauxes Powder under the Parliament-House was nothing to't. We have no Windows into our Breasts, and there's no proving or disproving of a Thought; only to those Goblins, Fears, and Jealousies every thing they look upon appears Double, even to the discovery of things that have no Being. Bum. Stay a little: May not a man suppose a Third Contrivance now, as Groundless as any of the rest? 'Tis but laying it remote enough, and the thing's Forgotten before ever the Truth can come to be Known. Citt. This is very well hinted, Bumpkin, and we have found it a very Commodious Expedient, even in This very Juncture: How many Bruits have been raised concerning Leagues, and Intelligences Abroad, Designs, and Intrigues at Home; that for a Month or Six weeks it may be, have set the People a madding from one end o'th' Town to the Other; and at last not one syllable True, but all past over as if no such thing had ever been. Take me aright, Bumpkin; I do not speak This as condemning the Practice, but to set forth the Effect of this way of Fibbing. Bum. That's understood Citt; No matter by what means, so we gain the End. for'tis not our part to Examine the Means, why they be Good, or Bad; but to pursue the Reward, and bring That about, by any means whatever. But what do ye say now to the Lie of Composition, as you call it? Citt. It is a Figment, Citt. that's made up of Truth, Composition. and Falsehood: but so enterwoven with Colours, and Disguises, that 'tis hard to say which is which. Bum. As if ye should put Ratsbane into a mess of Porridge: 'tis Porridge still, though it be Poison. Citt. Very well Alluded Bumkin, and the Truth, or the Porridg, is only (as the Doctors call it) the Vehicle to convey the Poison. The Art, and Mystery of this Fib lies in gaining credit to the Fiction, by acknowledging those Notorious Truths that cannot be Concealed. Bum. Ay ay man, for that's but telling what every body knows. As for the purpose. The Presbyterians took up Arms 'tis true, but alas! They never meant any hurt to his Majesty: and yet they took his Royal Authority to themselves, and seized his Shipping, his Forts, and his Revenue. Citt. Ay but for that Bumkin, they say learnedly that the King was in the Two Houses, when Charles Stuart was in the Head of an Army. Bum. But they say again, that they never meant any hurt to his Person neither; and yet they Reviled him, and Shot at him. Citt. The Archbishop of St. Andrews was Killed, but then he was an Ill, Harsh Man, they say: 'twas done in Revenge, and no Act of the Kirk-Party: We were mightily derided about the Scotch Rising. At first, there was no more in't, than a Tumultuary Rabble that were got together to deliver themselves from an Illegal Oppression: And this past for current, till it was found to be a formed Rebellion, and that the Covenant was the Foundation of it. Bum. The Doctrine's this. Not to Own any thing more than needs must, and to palliate what's amiss the best we can. And so proceed, I pray to the point of Substraction. Citt. The Rule of Swearing, Bumkin, that is to say, A Lie of Substraction. the Truth, the whole Truth, and nothing but the Truth, does not hold in Lying; so that in this Case of Substraction, we tell the Truth, but not the whole Truth. Bum. Our Common Intelligences are singularly good at this Figure: for they tell ye just as much of the Story as serves their turn, and no more. Citt. They do so. Oh they are very well instructed. The artificial Improvement of Substraction. As in the Story of the Officer that broke a fellows head, as they were going to Brantford to choose Parliament Men: He tells ye of the Head broken, but not a word of the Provocation; as the disordering of his men in their March, and their bawling out, no Courtiers, no Pensioners, no Whitehallmen. Bum. That's a ●lagty way though Citt, and so for Satterth wait, about firing De la Noys House! He had the clearest proofs in the World of his Innocence; the Acquittal of the Court, and the Wench put to Death that accused him. But Honest Benjamin waves that Point, and tells ye only that ever since the Maid's Condemnation she continues firm, in what she first asserted, as to her being hired to Commit that horrid Fact. Citt. These things are of Infinite use Bumkin, and if ye mark it, there passes not a week without scandalous Reflections upon some of the Guards, to make the people sick of 'um. And 'tis very good Policy this; for if they were out the way, our business were done. Bum. These Papers are the true Fireballs, Papers the true Fireballs. Forty times beyond the Compositions of Powder, and Aquavitae. Citt. They are so Bumkin. There's no need of Poking them into Ha●-Lofts with Long Poles; Vntiling of Houses, Breaking of Windows, Creeping into Cellars, etc. 'Tis but one Tug at the Press, here in London, and in Eight and Forty hours▪ ye shall see the whole Kingdom in a Flame. And let me tell ye, this Fibb of Substraction does a great deal towards it. Bum. And so it does in the Report these Pamphlets give ye upon all Trials, where a Popish Cur has the good luck to come off. Don't ye see how they whip the Bench, and the Jury about the Pig-Market? Sir Thomas Gascoin was returned Not Guilty: but it was by a Jury of his Countrymen. And so ye are told the Charge, with a very slender or no Account at all of the Defence. Citt. Why this is by the Virtue of Substraction: it is a kind of a Negative Lie, the Concealing any Substantial part of the Truth. They talk as if there were a Design afoot for the Suppressing of these Intelligences: and by my Soul, I believe it would be the Undoing of the Cause. Bum. Why they Govern the Land man, Pamphlets governs the Land. Do they not make and Dissolve what Alliances they please. Arraign Judges; Condemn Innocents'? Put out, and put In, what Privy Counsellors they think fit? Place and Displace Secretaries of State? Publish the Privacies of the Cabinet? And in all Cases, tell the People what they are to trust to? Citt. Right, and all this passes for Gospel in the Country, though the devil a word on't that's known at White-Hall. But then they have the Cruelest way of Nicking a man when they have a mind to't. Such a one has got such or such a Place at Court, though so and so: and tother must be Committed Close Prisoner, though the Lords in the Tower may have People come to them, and play at Nine-Pins. Bum. Ay, And then let the Bravest things Imaginable be done by One man, Kissing goes by favour. either ye have the bare Abstract in General, of such a thing done, or nothing at all: But if Another man does but let a Fart upon a Fit of the Belly-ache, there's a Thanksgiving presently all over England and Wales, proclaimed for his Recovery. Cit These are Great helps Bumkin, that we can Raise and Depress whom we please. Beside that the Multitude from these Liberties draw this Conclusion, either they would Contradict these things, if they could; Or Hinder them if they Durst. We'el go now to the Figment of Addition. Bum. As Substraction is the Truth, but not the Whole Truth, so Addition, I presume, is somewhat more than the Truth: But pray let me distinguish betwixt Composition, and Addition. Citt. The Former, The Figment of Addition. is the Blending and Confounding of the Truth, with Fictitious Matter: The other is the piecing out of a Truth, with a Falsehood, when the bare Truth would not do the Work. As thus, It is true, that the Army raised for some Attempt upon the Netherlands, in 1673. was drawn up on Black-Heath; But all the rest of the Story, for the Advance of the French Government, the Promoting of the Irish Religion, and the threatening of a Storm to fall upon London, is an Additional Figment. It is True, that there were Fireworks found in the Savoy, but the Addition is false of being designed according to the Story. Bum. What's the difference now betwixt Addition, and Amplification. Citt. Addition is a Supplement of new Fact: Amplification. Amplification is only an Aggravation of the Matter in Question. Or in short, the setting a flourish or a gloss upon the business. And it holds as well the making of our Adversaries Odious, as our selves Considerable. Bum. I have many times observed that God's Judgements, and Blessings have been still either Imputed to the Wickedness of the Episcopal Party, or ascribed to the Sanctity of the Non-Conformists. Citt. But if you will see a Masterpiece. Read the Preamble to the Relation of the King's Army at Branford. And take this with you before hand, that there was no cruelty exercised at all, beyond the common effects of Hot blood upon so Obstinate a dispute. Unnatural, A wonderful aggravation. Inhuman, and strange Cruelties, send forth a Voice, and the Voice which they send forth is so loud, that it awakes even secure and sleepy Mankind, and stirs up their Bowels to an inflamed and united Indignation. The divided pieces of a Woman abused to death needed not the Eloquence or Voice of an Orator; they spoke themselves, and they spoke so loud, that they were heard by a whole Nation, and drew forth this Answer, there was no such deed done nor seen from the day that the Children of Israel came out of Egypt. Neither did they fetch only an Answer of Words, but of Deeds: All the Men of Israel gathered together as One Man; against the Authors and Abettors of that abominable wickedness. It is a Lamentation, and to be taken up for a Lamentation, that in England such horrid Acts should be done, that yield forth this high crying & affrighting Voice— No such thing hath been done since England came out of the Egypt of Rome, etc. Exact Collections, Pag. 758. Bum. Why this Exclamation was as much as the whole Cause was worth. Ah, Better at Oaths and Fibbs than Arguments. Citt, if we were no better at Oaths and Fibbs, than we are at Arguments, we should even bring our Hogs to a fair Market. Citt. Alack for thee Bumkin, thou dost not know an Argument when thou seest it. Why this knack of Swearing and Lying is our way of Arguing; and whoever carries the Cause, Swearing and Lying the best Arguments. (let him carry it right or wrong) is the best Disputant. Prithee tell me; what wouldst thou think of any man that should go to convert the Chineses in Welch, or talk Hebrew to a Laplander? 'Tis the same thing man, to talk Reason to the Rabble. 'Tis little less than Popery ye Fool; 'tis speaking in an unknown Tongue; what were all your Cavalier-Doctors, and Statesmen the better for their Syllogismas, their Politics, and their Cases of Conscience; when the very Noise of TYRANNY, and POPERY beat'um all out of the Field? Bum. Nay, I must confess, Citt; that Our Case is to be decided by the Multitude; and That way must needs succeed best, that is most accommodate to the Humour and Capacity of the Umpires of the Controversy. But yet I could wish that thou hadst born up a little t'other day, to Trueman, upon the Points of Religion and Government. Citt. Why you must know, Bumpkin, that there are Two ways of Reply upon Disputes of That Quality; the One is by Reason, Two ways of Reply, Reason and Clamour. (which sounds the same thing with the Apostles Vain Philosophy) and the Other is by Clamour: The Former is for your Speculators, or Pedants; and the Other is for men of Zeal, and Business. But there's One has mawl'd him since, to some purpose i'faith, I believe he'll have little Joy of his Disputations. Bum. Oh, Little Puggs a witty fellow. I have heard of two or three that have had a Fling at him. There's One of 'em they say that's a Devilish Witty Little Fellow, but I can't for my Blood call his Name to mind; but I think't was Pugg; or thereabouts. Citt. By my Troth like enough; for one was telling me tother day, that the Drill in Bartlemew-Fair, with a Leaguer-Pipe in's mouth, was the very Picture of him. But didst not thou see Rome's Hunting-match? Bum. Yes, yes; 'tis a Broadside with a Wooden Cutt; Another shrewd Head-piece. They have put him in the Head there of the Pope's Beagles, with a Pen in One Pot, and a Fireball in the Other. They call the whole Pack the Antichristian Crew: The Fellow has a woundy Head-piece that Contrived it. Citt. Ay but the tother girds him Confoundedly; and then there's a Letter worse than That too. But this is all by way of Answer: if thou couldst but Recite his Positions now, you and I might bang it out, had to fist, in Mood, and Figure (as they say.) Bum. Nay let me alone for a Reciter, if That will do't. The Crown of England is allowed on all hands to be Imperial; and That I lay down for my First Position. Citt. Why then y'are a Crack-fart, and a Pensioner. Now go on, Pugg's Logic. without any Demur. Bum. The King is unaccountable, and not One of the Three Estates, as Lame Giles would have him. Citt. Y'are a Saucebox, and a Yorkist, Bum. I will maintain that England is not a Mixed, but only a Qualified Monarchy. Citt. Y'are an Idle Fellow, Sirrah; and I have seen ye at Mass at the Protestant Coffee-house. Bum. I say again, that there is but the Governing, and the Governed; and that They are no longer the Governed, Of Subjection & Dominion. that Govern, nor the Governing that are Governed. And in Little, That Subjection and Dominion are Inconsistent, in One and the same time, and subject. Citt. Y'are an Idle, Impudent Fellow; and I'll be hanged if I don't catch ye in the Sham-Plot. What do ye think of This now? And tell me without Compliment, if I have not run this Puppy up to the Wall. Bum. I cannot for my Life Citt, understand this way of Answering yet. Citt. Why prithee Bumkin, calling of Names, is speaking to the People in a Language that they do both Understand, and Believe. Bum. Oh, there's no question to be made on't, a man had better be suspected for a Spirit, then for a Papist: Nay if it were but Popishly-Affected, it would go hard with him. But what will ye say Citt, if I tell ye of a man that saw the devilish Letter ye spoke of? Citt. I have heard somewhat on't myself. But prithee let's confer Notes upon't. Is there not something in't, that he would have been Fribling with a Printers Wife once; A Secret. and that he promised to bring off her Husband if she'd have done him the good Office? I had it from Barefoot, and yo● same Bacon-of-Government-man, what a devil do ye call him? the Case-Putter at the Swan in Fish-street; he that swelled so at the name of the Duke of York; Pox on't, that I should forget him now; Did ye never hear of the Thumb? Some body help me out. (as Aristippus Says.) Bum. Why Faith Citt, I have heard as wuch: But I have been told too by one of the Journeymen, that she was always a good Gamesome Wench, and that the Gentleman (being well bred) might perhaps offer her the Civility to Oblige her. Citt. I can say nothing to her Gamesomeness; but she was no Blab, The Lady. no blab. I can assure ye; For though she was in Court, when her Husband was Fined and Sentenced Upon That Gentleman's Prosecution, she made no words on't. Bum. That's well observed, Citt; For she should have told the Bench methinks; that if she would have done so and so, ●t'had never come to This. Citt. Ay but Yonder's a Broken Thrid-merchant Bumpkin, Have a care of the Thrid-Merchant▪ (and he had it from his own Brother) told a friend of mine, that Truman (when Licensing was in fashion) would never Licence any thing against the Papists; and that he took money for Licensing; and laid a Tax upon his Majesty's Liege-People, (as Pugg the Notarius has it) without the Consent of their Representatives in Parliament. Bum. These are bloody things, Citt, and they resolve to scour him as bright as Silver, before they have done with him. Citt. Nay, if we don't make him either a Papist, or Popishly-Affected I'll die for't: yes, or any man living, that has either a good Estate, good Furniture in's house, Money in his Pocket, or Brains in his Head. Bum. Well, but to my knowledge, Citt, Truman does not value himself upon any of these Qualifications. But prithee let's leave this Noddy a little, and talk of something else, what dost think was the reason that our Parliaments have been put off so of Late? Citt. The very Question that I put t'other day myself; Matters of State. and 'twas answered Thus. That the Nation could not be Happy, but in the Preservation of the Goverement, as it is established by Law: for the tearing of the Law to pieces, must needs distract the People, when they have no Rule to walk by: That a great many worthy Persons were disappointed in the Elections, by being misrepresented to the People: That by these Practices, divers persons were Obtruded upon the Nation, of remarkable Disaffections both to Church, and State: And that therefore, I suppose, they might be put off, to the end that some Other Distempers might be composed, before their Meeting. Bum. Well! and what Return didst thou make him? Citt. I told him, he Smelled of the Court; and that he had a Pope in's belly; The old Topique, and so I would have no more to do with him. Bum. These People are grown Strangely bold of Late. But Perseverance is a Grace, Citt, that will carry us on, through Thick and Thin. Citt. Now thou talk'st of a Grace, Bumpkin; Several sorts of graces. there is not any Action, or Profession, in Human Life, without its peculiar Graces. There are the Graces of the Tub, and of the Pulpit; the Quack, and the Doctor; Nay, the Academy, and the Pad. as the Scotchman said of Du Vall, that was Trussed up for the Highway. By my Saul (Sir, Says he) It would have done your Heart good to have seen That Gentleman upon Action. One man becomes the Bench; Another the Stage: And ye shall see One man Robb a Church with a better Grace than Another Erects an Hospital. Bum. And then we call a Well-affected Brother, a Babe of Grace. Citt. That's somewhat near the matter, Bumpkin; for the Grace that we have to do withal, is only a certain Gift of Impulse that disposes a man to the Exercise of his Trade, and Calling. As for Example; what's a Pickpocket the better for his Skill in Diving, if he has not the Grace to keep his hands in Ure? But now for thy Perseverance through Thick and Thin; there's more in That, perhaps, than thou art aware of; for there's a difference betwixt Staring, and Stark mad. Bum. I prithee be clear Citt, that we may understand one another. Citt. The Dutch have a very good Proverb, Heaven helps the strongest, Of Perseverance. (they say) So long as Providence is on Our fide Bumkin, all's Well; but I'm not for Running my head against Stone Walls. Bum. But how far must we go then Citt, and whither Next? Citt. Take me for thy Guide Bumkin, and my Life for thine thou shalt never Miscarry. The game we have to play is a kind of Trick-Track: (but what do I talk of Trick Track to a Bumkin) the great Nicety is to know when to go Off. Bum. So that in some Cases I find we may go off: But why must I swear so damnably against Flinching then? Citt. Because we are bound in Honour Bumkin, not to Flinch. But if the Cause itself Flinches, who can help it? Bum. What do ye think then of the Five Scottish Martyrs, who maintained it to the Death that the Killing of the Archbishop was no Murder; and the Rising, no Rebellion. And yet (as I take it) Their Cause had Flinched to some tune, when the whole Party was either Cut off, Routed or taken Prisoners. Citt. As a friend, Bumkin, the world is made up of Fools, and Knaves, Some are to Act, and Others to Contrive; the Fools are to keep up the Claim, and the Knaves, when time serves are to take Possession. Bum. Well, but what must become of Us in the Interim then? Citt. The Interim, (as thou call'st it) is a kind of Inter-regnum; Absolution from Oaths and Promises. wherein we are Absolved (as it were) by a certain Extraordinary Dispensation from all Bonds, Civil, and Moral, till we can get Uppermost again. Bum. So that here are Two Providences, One upon the Heel of the Other. The One in turning all our Oaths, and Promises, in The Interval, into Nullities; And the Other is an allowance of us to make the best of the First Opportunity. Citt. That's well Collected: For all Oaths, and Promises are Void, when the thing promised ceases to be in our Own Power: And an Oath that was made in the Flesh, may be broken in the Spirit. Bum. Deliver me! Here's Truman just upon us. If he talks again stand to him Citt. Citt. The Rogue has us in's Eye; and there's no slipping into the Wood; but let me alone with him. Enter TRUMAN. Tru. Well met Gentlemen. What? you're for a Morning's Draught at Hamstead (I suppose). I'll even back again and keep ye Company. Citt. If you please Sir, 'tis a fine Walk. Tru. So, and how go Squares since the crash we had yonder at— What do ye call the place? Citt. Oh, Tom and Dick very well, there's a Book come out that proves a man may talk of Religion, and Government as learnedly over a Dish of Coffee, as over a ●ot of Ale.— There's a Bobb Bumkin, by the way of Tom and Dick— (aside.) Tru. Look ye, Here's the Book. I ha' just read it over. Bum. Pray let me see't a little.— Ay, A High-flight of Wit.. here 'tis: I wonder in my heart what the man means by putting Strange, and Strangely; and Strange and Stranger again, in the 5th and 6th Pages here, in the great Black English Letter, so different from the rest of the Book. Tru. Nothing in the world but a high-flight of Wit; as if a man that is in Trouble, should cry, O this villainous, rascally Care! Or tell a Glavering Cur that Fawns upon ye to your Face, and bawls at ye behind your Back, Oh! y'are Curtis, Sir. Bum. Well, but I'm with you once again. What do ye. think of your University-Dull-man there, Pag. 12. with his, O Lord, make these Young Willows to grow up to be Old Oaks, that they may become Timber, fit to Wansoote thy New Jerusalem. Tru. Upon my Credit, this Dulman was a Presbyterian (For your Divines have, here and there, an Vniversity-man among them! And it was another of the Same stamp, that told God Almighty in his Prayer; Lord; if thou didst but know what our Friends Suffer now in Ireland, etc. Citt. Pray'e let me have a word now. How will ye justify the calling to mind, relating, and Printing, (notwithstanding the Acts of Oblivion) all the Evils of our Late Rebellion? as we find it charged. Pag. 22. Tru. Nay, rather; Citt, how will You acquit yourselves, either to God, or Man, for doing the same things over again; if it be so heinous for Other people to Remember them? As if a Pardon for One Rebellion, were an Authority for Another. Citt. Pray'e let me read This Passage to ye Here, A Learned Piece. Pag. 28. He that is not against us, is with us. And I never heard he (speaking of L'Estrange) ever wrote against Catholics; except it were a Protestant Catholic; (and that (he says) is a Soloecism.) But he has peppered the Presbyterians. A Protestant (he says) is a Lutheran; and a Catholic the Characteristical Note of a Christian; And it seems, he would have the Church of England stick up her bristles, and disown all Fellowship with Protestants abroad, and knock out all Non-conformists brains at Home; as the only way to prevent Popery: What do ye think on't? Tru. Why I'll tell ye Citt; you never writ against Incest; are ye for it therefore? L'Estrange never writ against the Alcoran; is he therefore a Mahometan? Neither do I find any thing you have Cited of him, but what is True, and Warrantable. You say he has peppered the Presbyterians; and the world knows they have need of Seasoning. But why the Bristles of the Church of England? For the Beasts, ye know, are all in the Purlieuses. Nor does he speak One word of dividing from Protestants abroad; Only upon Dr. Oate's Testimony, that the Priests lie lurking among the Non-Conformists, he very Honestly advises the Ferreting of the Conventicles: And This your Author calls forsooth, The beating out the brains of the Non-conformists. Bless me Gentlemen! is This the Pillar of your Profession? Pugg the mouth of th● Cause. the Mouth, and Advocate of your Cause? Why there's not one grain of Common Sense, Honesty, or Good Manners in't; Not a Rag that would not bring a Scandal upon a Dust-Cart. Citt. You may value't as you please; Pugs Narratives. But he has done as much in his Narratives for the Protestant Religion, it may be, as any man, and with as good applause too, though they pass in other people's Names. Bum. 'Tis an admirable Piece, That of his about the Fires, and several Other things too, really that would make a man's heart ache. Tru. If thou meanest by way of Compunction, Bumpkin, I can't Imagine how One man can repent of Another man's Sins. But I suppose thou Speakest of Earthquakes, and Signs in the Air; which are enough to make a man's heart Ake indeed. Citt. And then for his Style, Truman, Pugs Faculties. He has a Copia Verborum, for all Sorts and Sizes, of Matters, and Men; as Rogue, Rascal, Knave, Villain, Traitor, Trash, Trumpery, Trinkets, and so forth, till this time Twelvemonth. I'll undertake he shall Pelt ye a Cathedral-man Four and Twenty Hours by Shrewsbury Clock, and not call him Twice by the same Name. And then on the Other side, If he has the hap (in the heat of his Carrier) to stumble upon a poor Dissenting Brother, he licks his lips upon't, and pours forth nothing but Milk and Honey: Oh the Precious Ones, The Chosen of the Lord, and more Heavenly Epithets than would lie betwixt This and Highgate. Tru. But has he any Languages too? Citt. If you had him but one half-hour upon the Talking-Pin, you'd swear that he had swallowed Calepines Dictionary whole, and spewed it up again; And such a Memory— Tru. These are wonderful Faculties Gentlemen, to qualify a man to be the Advocate of a Party. Citt. But what if the Gentleman were as despicable as you make him? what's That to our Profession? Tru. Oh very much; for if the be Your Representative, You Speak in Him; and he does but Blunder, Rail, Falsify, and Cobble, in your Name, and by Your Commission: If it be otherwise disown him. But what is your Profession, First? Citt. We do profess ourselves to be Loyal Subjects to his Majesty in his Just Authority; and True Protestants, according to the pattern and Practice of the best Reformed Churches. Tru. That is to say, in Plain English, you are Covenanteers. Citt. Well, but I hope a man may be both a Good Subject, and a Good Christian; and yet a Covenanter. Tru. Can he be a Good Christian that reviles the Mother of our Blessed Saviour, ●he Covenanting Christian and Sub●●ct. that Stabs the Babe in her Arms, in Effigy: that Decryes the Lords Prayer, as Apocryphal, that Robs Caesar of his Due, and Consecrates his Profession, with Violence, and Blood? Or can He be a Good Subject, that gives Laws to his Sovereign; Nay that takes away his Crown, and his Life, and Tramples upon his Fellows as his Slaves? Citt. Why what's all this to the Covenant? Tru. Yes, by That Covenant, all this was done: And by That Convenant, Vnrenounced, All this must be done again, whenever in your it, or that Power. Nay you are Covenant-Breakers in the Not doing of it; if you were Covenant-keepers in the doing on't. Citt. Well; but the business of the Covenant was only to deliver the King out of the Hands of the Papists, to demolish all Monuments of Superstition and Idolatry, and to settle a Thorough Reformation. All the mischief fell in by the By. Tru. Very good; and you took him out of the hands of Papists, to deliver him into the hands of the Executioner. Did ye not? Truly a high Obligation. And then for your zeal against Idolatry, a Rich Crucifix, that was an Idol in a Papists hand, became a Movable in yours; for commonly what ye Took, ye sold: and your Thorough-reformation ended in a Sacrilegious Rapine and Confusion. And so you're welcome to your Journeys End. The End.