Crack upon Crack: OR, CRACK-FART Whipped with his own ROD,  By Citt and Bumpkin, 
If Crack-Fart drawn unto the Life you'd see,  
Lo here he hangs in formal Effigy:  
His Writings were so Foul, as all suppose  
They'll Poison us! Good Reader stop your Nose.  Citt. 
WEll overtaken, honest Bumpkin; what, your Whip in your hand man? Prithee what's that for? and why so much in haste?  Bump. 
Dear honest Citt, never better met than now; I am now going about a Business of extraordinary Importance, and your presence (if you please to accompany me) will be extreme useful and necessary: I am going in search of that Dissembling Tool who Nicknames himself Trueman, though indeed the merest Crack-fart in the World. Don't you remember him Citt?  Citt. 
Remember him, I that I do, too well; the first time you know, like a cunning Sophister, he bolted out of a Closer to surprise us, a second time he intruded into our Company in our walk to Hampsted, and then obtruded those things upon us we never imagined.  Bump. 
Right, right Citt; But if I do not give him a Lace to his fine Coat (if I can but set eyes on him) as long as this Whip lasts, never believe man more for my sake.  Citt. 
Well said Bumpkin, and I'll assist thee with this Cat of Ninetails; for to say the Truth, I always took him to be a sharp-witted Logician, without the least Dram of Honesty; and now the Sophister has showed us a fair pair of heels.  Bump. 
Pox-oned, who'd think a man in his Coat should serve us so?  Citt. 
Think Bumpkin, why I always thought no other; for to say the truth, How could you reasonably expect he would stay to hazard his Neck? Come come, think what you will, I know he is a mere Hocus, and no better.  Bump. 
But whither Cit dost intend to go to find him?  Citt. 
First Bumpkin, I'll tell the whither I have been to look him, and afterwards where I intent to go, upon his own words in his Appeal, I conceived he might very fairly have hanged himself in his Closet, since he so fairly took his last Farewell of the World; but upon search I found it a notable Cheat, the Bird was flown, but had left such a poisonous stink of Sedition behind him, that at first I Protest I took his Closet for a Common-Shore; to say the truth, I was almost stifled.  Bump. 
Say you so man? why I thought Sedition could not enter there.  Citt. 
Not enter there! Faith such another word Bumpkin, will make you and I fall out; what do ye think I tell ye a Lie? Let me assure ye, I verily believe Machiavelli himself never invented the Hundred part of so many Political Mysteries of Villainy as are there extant.  Bump. 
Sayest thou so Citt? well but go on, where hast thou been else in search for Monsieur Crack?  Citt. 
Why next I went to inquire for him at Mr. B. H.— 's, but he poor man Protests he had not seen him never since he Publicly absented himself, and to tell thee the truth, for aught I understand, he has showed him but a kind of a slippery trick.  Bump. 
As how pray?  Citt. 
Why I'll tell thee Bumpkin, This B. H.— is a man who has an itching desire for the Philosopher's Stone, which our Crack (for Trueman is not his right Name) promised to help him to in a small time; and to say the truth, he had so great Confidence in his words, that he hardly conceived himself Inferior to the King of Morocco; in the mean time, our sly Politician Crack, makes an exchange with his Chapman (viz.) Wast Paper for good Gold, assuring him withal, nothing could more speedily effect his desire; but since Crack has absented himself, his poor Chapman is ready to gnaw his Thumbs off, as a revenge for his Folly, and looks as Pale in the Face, as the old Woman that broke her Jaws with eating thick Milk at Islington,  Bump. 
Troth Citt. you make me Laugh at this humour; but where else have you been in his search pray?  Citt. 
Why I'll tell you Bumpkin, my next and last Journey was to M.— Coffeehouse, and I missed of him there but very narrowly; for he had left his old scent behind him, the very Room was perfumed by the scent he left; I thereupon paid for my Dish, and thought to tract him by the scent, which I forthwith did, but with no success; and now honest Bumpkin, if thou wilt accompany me, I'll tell thee whither I design next to go in search of this Animal.  Bump. 
Honest dear Citt, tell me presently, for I protest my Finger's itch to have a fling at his Arse, he hath so notoriously abused us both; I hope you'll Second me.  Citt. 
If I don't Bumpkin, take me for a half-Spirited Fool; and I am sure you know better.  Bump. 
Come then, let's jog on, and talk on it as we go.  Citt. 
'Tis done Bumpkin, agreed.  Bump. 
But which way shall we steer our Course Citt, and not lose our labour? for I am stark wild till I find him.  Citt. 
Faith my Opinion is, if we could find but a Cabal of Jesuists, we should find him Spoaksman to the Company; you know he is a Plaguy Fellow, and has his Pen and Tongue at will.  Bump. 
Troth well thought on, but now I consider better, these Vermin are so disguised, that it is as hard to find them, as the Party we look for; they are a sort of Plaguy cunning Shifters, and play so many Hocus Pocus Tricks, that if we should by chance hit in among them, we should scarce know them in Masquerade.  Citt. 
Truly Bumpkin, I fear so too; but however 'tis but Labour lost, let's venture however.  Bump. 
Well then, let's first steer our Course towards the water side, and call a Boat, and go on Board the Vanherring, my life for yours he has no small Acquaintance amongst the Mahometans.  Citt. 
I care not much if we do, and I believe it a very probable Course; but how shall we do to get him on shore if we chance to find him; for we must not attempt any thing on Board.  Bump. 
Faith Citt, I'll tell thee, Let us each take the care to provide us a Garment that may bespeak us Mahometans, and we may happily effect our Desires. What think ye?  Citt. 
But I cannot well speak their Language.  Bump. 
Why Citt, I did not take thee before to be so much a Child, or a Novice, they all speak the same Language as we do as to Outward appearance; when we are thus accoutred, you need say no more, but that a Friend would speak with him at the Pope's Head, and he immediately comes on shore.  Citt. 
Come then, let's go, and fit ourselves with a convenient Garb, and away as fast as we can.  Bump. 
Let's strike into this Shop then, and furnish ourselves.  Citt. 
Done, Done Bumpkin, I'll go first in, and try what may be done.  They Enter the Shop, and Citt Cheapens. Citt. 
Pray Sir, Have you any Disguises for Masquerade?  Shopkeeper. 
Yes Sir, Yes, Pray walk in, here's Choice sufficient; How would you have them trimmed pray?  Citt. 
I would have them trimmed with a competent Shoulder-Knot of seeming Honesty, my Coat lined with Equivocations; in a word Sir, you know what belongs to a true Mahometan Dress; Pray let's have two of the newest Fashion, one for myself, another for my Friend.  Bump. 
Hold Citt, hold, let me speak to the Gentleman; Pray Sir, let's have each an entire Suit, except a Hempen Cravat, for that begins to grow out of Fashion.  Shopkeeper. 
You shall Gentlemen; Look here's two, I can afford you a good Pennyworth in Choice goods on my word.  Bump. 
Well Sir, your price?  Shopkeeper. 
In a word Sir, the two Suits are worth 12 l. as well as a Jesuit is worth a Halter; but I'll abate you Six Shillings in the two because you take them together.  Citt. 
There's your Money Sir, Farewell.  Bump. 
Come now to the Pope's-Head, and on with 'em presently; a fine Pennyworth I protest, if it catch the Bird.  Citt. 
Never fear Bumpkin, the Business is as good as done.  Bump. 
Well Citt, never believe me more, if you don't look as like Crack in Masquerade in this Garb, as any man living.  Citt. 
And you the like. Come let's aboard.  [They Enter the Ship, being entertained and kindly welcomed by the Mahometans.] Mahom. 
Welcome Aboard Gentlemen, Kindly welcome; Pray who would you speak withal.  Citt. 
Is one Mr. Trueman Aboard prey?  Mahom. 
Yes Gentlemen, but betwixt you and I, he is forced to keep his cabin Close, since our Council of Officers last sat; for several Laudable Performances in Vindication of our Interest.  Bump. 
We have heard as much, and therefore come to pay our respects to him for his worthy Service.  Mahom. 
Stay Gentlemen, if you please I will carry you to him, you are Friends I hope.  Citt. & Bump. both. 
I hope you take us for no other Sir; if you do, farewel.  Mahom. 
Nay, Stay Gentlemen, I'll call him to ye.  Mr. Trueman appears on Deck. Citt. 
Ah! Mr. Trueman, How have you faired this many a day, since you absconded yourself for our Interest?  Tru. 
Truly Gentlemen, I do not very well know you.  Bump. 
O lack Sir, grown out of knowledge already, I'm sorry for it; Don't you remember your fellow Clubbers at the Pope's-Head?  Tru. 
Cry you mercy, Gentlemen, I can expect no deceit to lurk under this Garb, accompanied with so fair a Token, you are welcome on Board heartily.  Citt. 
But we must request your Company on shore upon some Emergent Occasions at the Pope's-Head, no farther, you shall not stay Sir.  Tru. 
Hush, step into the Boat, I'll go with you.  [Trueman brought ashore, Citt and Bumpkin Cast off their Disguise.] Tru. 
Betrayed, betrayed as I live; Hell and Ten thousand Devils confound your Visit.  [Bumpkin handles his Whip.] Bump. 
Say you so Sir; There's that for you, in recompense for your last Closet Surprisal; I have not forgot it yet.  [Citt claws him off with his Cat of Ninetails.] Citt. 
And that Sir, for your Company to Hampsted; Could you not be contented, you Scoundrel, to ruin your Country as much as lay in your Power, but strive to make us accessary to the Cutting our own Throats in a formal Disguise; and then make us believe you had hanged yourself.  Tru. 
Your Pardon Gentlemen, upon my Knees I beg it.  Citt. 
And upon your Knees you shall receive your Punishment, and had done sometime since, had you not absconded yourself like a Rascal as you are: Come, come Bumpkin, have at his hide,  [Citt and Bumpkin belabouring him.] 
Lo Citt and Bumpkin Loyalty do show,  
I paying those just Debts they Crack-Fart owe.  
FINIS.   

Printed for R. I. 1680.