LADY ALIMONY; OR, The Alimony Lady.  
An Excellent Pleasant New COMEDY Duly Authorized, daily Acted, and frequently Followed.  
Nolumus amplexus Sponsales; aera novellos  
Nocte parent Socios; qui placuere magis.  Lucret. 
LONDON, Printed for Tho. Vere and William Gilbertson, and are to be sold at the Angel without Newgate, and at the Bible in Gilt-spur-street, 1659.   


The Actors personated in this dramatic.  
Eugenio the Duke.  
Cashiered Consorts. 

Sir Amadin Puny  
Sir Jasper Simpleton  
Sir Arthur Heartless  
Sir Gregory Shapeless  
Sir Tristram Shorttool  
Sir Reuben Scattergood    
Alimony Lady's 

Madam Fricase  
Madam caviar  
Madam Julippe  
Madam Joculette  
Madam Medler  
Madam Tinder    
The Ladies Platonic Confidents. 

Florello  
Caranto  
Palisado  
Salibrand  
Morisco  
Tillyvally    
Gallerius Ghost.  
Timon the Composer.  
Trillo the Censor.  
Siparius the Book-holder.  
Chorist.  
Constable Watch.  
Country Boors.  
Tra-panners.  
Pages with other Officiats.   
Scene Seville   
Lady Alimony.  

Actus primus.  

Scaena prima.  Enter Trillo. Trillo. 
HEy boys!— Never did my Spirit chirp more cheerfully since I had one. Here is work for platonics. Never did Ladies, brave buxom girls dispense at easier rates with their forfeited Honours. This were an excellent age for that Roman Carvilius to live in: who never loved any sheets worse than those his Wife lay in. Nor his Wife any lodging worse, than where her decrepit Consort slept in. Divorces are now as common, as scolding at Billingsgate. O Alimony, Alimony a Darling incomparably dearer, than a sere-icy Bed possessed of the spirit of a dull unactive Husband! A fresh flowery Spring, and a chill frosty Winter never suit well together. He were a rare Justice in these times of Separation, who had the Ceremonial art to join Hearts together as well as Hands: but that chemical Cement is above the alchemy of his Office: or verge of his ministerial Charge.— hay day! who comes here? The very professed Smock-satyr, or Woman-hater in all Europe. One, who had he lived in that State or under that Zone, might have compared with any Swetnam in all the albion Island.   

Scen. 2.  Enter Timon; Siparius, and a Page. 
But sure he has some high design in hand, he pores so fixtly upon the ground, as on my life he has some swinging stuff for our fresh Dabrides, who have invested themselves in the Platonic Order: and retain courage enough to make an exchange of their old Consorts with their new Confidents and amorous pretenders.— Let us hear him, he mumbles so strangely, he must surely either disburden self, or stifle his teeming Birth for want of timely delivery.  Timon. 
Good, as I live wondrous good: this is the way to catch the old one. Be all things ready Siparius?  Sip. 
How do you mean Sir?  Tim. 
What a drolling bufflehead is this.— He has been Book-holder to my Revels for decades of years, and the Cuckoldry Drone, as if he had slept in Triphonius cave, all his days, desires to know my meaning in the Track of his own Calling!— Sir, shall I question you in your own Dialect? Be your Stage-curtains artificially drawn, and so covertly shrouded, as the squint-eyed Groundling may not peep in to your discovery?  Sipar. 
Leave that care to me Sir; it is my charge.  Tim. 
But were our Bills posted, that our House may be with a numerous Auditory stored; our Boxes by Ladies of quality and of the new dress croudingly furnished; our Galleries and Ground-front answerably to their Pay completed?  Sip 
Assure you self Sir, nothing is a wanting; that may give way to the poet's improvement.  Tim. 
Thou sayst well; this is indeed the Poets third day: and must raise his Pericranium deeply steeped in Frontineack, a fair revenue for his rich Timonick Fancy; or he must take a long adieu of the spirit of Sack and that noble Napry till the next Vintage.— But Siparius.  Sip. 
Your will Sir.  Tim. 
Be sure, that you hold not your Book at too much distance: the Actors, poor Lapwings, are but pen-feathred: and once out, out for ever. We had a time, indeed, and it was a golden time for a pregnant Fancy; when the Actor could embellish his Author, and return a Pean to his Pen in every accent. But our great disaster at Cannae, than which none ever more tragical to our Theatre, made a speedy dispatch of our rarest roscios, closing them jointly in one Funeral Epilogue.— Now for you Boy, as you play the Chorus, so be mindful of your Hint. I know you to be a Wag by nature; and you must play the Waggish Actor.  Page. 
I shall not sleep in my action Sir; if your line have so much life as to provoke a laughter; I shall not strangle the height of your Conceit with a dull gesture: nor weaken the weight of your Plot with too flat or unbecoming a deportment.  Tim. 
Thou promisest fairly; go on.  Trillo. 
And so does Timon too, or his judgement fails him.— Well, I will accost him.— Health to our stock of Stoical wit, ingenious Timon.— Come Sir, what brave dramatic Piece has your running Mercury now upon the Loom? The Title of your new Play, Sir?  Tim. 
Every post may sufficiently inform you: nay the Fame of the City cannot choose but echo it to you: so much is expected: neither shall you discover a Mouse peeping out of a Mountain, believe it.  Trillo. 
No; nor a Monkey dancing his Trick-a-tee on a Rope, for want of strong Lines from the poet's pen.  Tim. 
You are i'th' right on't, Trillo; These pygmies of mine shall not play the egregious Puppies in deluding an ignorant Rabble with the sad presentment of a 
* 
Nulla sides spectanda feris, nec gratia victis.  
Corpora distendunt verubus assanda nefandis.   roasted Savage.  Trillo. 
Your Conceit is above the scale of admiration.— But the Subject of your Invention, Sir, where may you lay your Scene: and what Name you bestow upon this long expected Comedy?  Tim. 
My Scene, Trillo, is 
* 
Tempora sunt Cuculi gratissima labilis anni;  
Cornua sunt sponsis iristia, laeta Procis. Auson.   Horn-Alley: the Name it bears, is LADY ALIMONY. The Subject I shall not preoccupate: Let the pansies of my thirsty Auditory fall a working; if ever their small expense confined to three hours' space were better recompensed; I will henceforth disclaim my Society with an happy Genius: and bestow the remainder of my time in catching flies with Domitian.  Trillo. 
Excellent, Excellent. I am confident your acrimonious spirit will discurtain our Changeable-taffaty Ladies to an hair.  Tim. 
Thou know'st my humour; and let me perish, if I do not pursue it. Thou hast heard no doubt, how I never found any branch more pleasingly fruitful, nor to my view more grateful, then when I found a Woman hanging on it: wishing heartily that all Trees in mine Orchard bore such fruit.  Tril. 
If your wish had proved true, no doubt but your Orchard would have rendered you store of meddlers.— But your hour, Sir, your hour.  Tim. 
You know, Trillo, our Theatral time to a minute. One thing I must tell you; and you will attest it upon our Presentment: That never was any Stage, since the first erection of our ancient Roman amphitheatres, with suitable Properties more accurately furnished: with choicer music more gracefully accommodated: nor by boys, though young, with more virile spirits presented.  Tril. 
I'm already nouzed in your Poetical spring: and shall henceforth wish for your sake, that all crop-eared Histriomastixes, who cannot endure a civil witty Comedy, but by his racked exposition renders it downright Drollery, may be doomed to Ancyrus, and skip there amongst Satyrs, for his rough and severe censure.  Tim. 
Parnassus is a debtor to thee Trillo for thy clear and serene opinion of the Muses and their individual Darling: of which Meniey, to imprint our Addresses all the better in your memory, our Stage presents ever the most lively and lovely fancy: 
Where th'Stage breathes Lines, scenes, Subject, Action fit,  
Th'Age must admire it, or it has no Wit.   Tril. 
Yet I have heard Timon, that you were sometimes Stoical, and could not endure the noise of an interlude, but snuff at it as the satire did at the first sight of fire.  Tim. 
All this is most authentically true: But shall I unbosom myself ingeniously to thee, my dear Trillo? As his hate to Woman made Eupolis eat Nettle pottage; so became I fired in my spirit: my experience of a shrew drove me to turn the shrewd Comedian: and yet all our Boxes are stored with complete Doxes: nay some, whose carriage gives life to this days action.  Tril. 
May the poet's day prove fair and fortunate: full Audience and honest doorkeepers. I shall perchance rank myself amongst your Gallery-men.  Tim. 
We shall hold our Labours incomparably heightened by the breath of such approved Judgements.  Enter Messenger. 
Sir, here is a proud peremptory pragmatical Fellow newly come into our tiring-room, who disturbs our preparation; vowing like a desperate Haxter, that he has express Command to seize upon all our Properties.  Tim. 
The Devil he has; what furious Mercury might this be?  Mes. 
Nay, Sir, I know not what he may be, but sure if he be what he seems to be, he can be no less than one of our City Hector's, but I hope your spirit will conjure him, and make him a Clinias.— He speaks nothing less than braving Buff-leather Language: and has made all our boys so feverish, as if a Quotidian Ague had seized on them.  Tim. 
Sure it is one of our Trapanning decoys, sent forth for a Champion to defend those Ladies engaged honour, whom our Stage is this day to present: This shall not serve their turn.— Call him in; we will collar him.  Tril. 
Hah-hah-hah! This will prove rare sport, to see how the poet's Genius will grapple with this Bandog.   

Scen. 3.  Enter Haxter. Hax. 
Sir!  Tim. 
Surly Sir, your design!  Hax. 
To ruin your Design, illicentiate Play-wright. Down with your Bills Sir.  Tim. 
Your Bill cannot do it Sir.  Hax. 
But my Commission shall Sir.— Can you read Sir?  Tim. 
Yes Sir, and write too, else were I not fit for this employment. He reads the Paper.  Tril. 
With what a scurvy skrude look the Myrmidon eyes him?— He will surely bastinado our Comedian out of his laureate Periwig:— Hold him tug Poet, or thou runs by Poetical Pinnace on a desperate shelf.  Tim. 
What bugbear has your terrible Bladeship brought us here? A mandate from one of our own society, to blanch the credit of our Comedy! You're in a wrong Box, Sir, this will not do't.  Hax. 
You dare not disobey it.  Tim. 
Dare not! A word of high affront to a professed Parnassian: I dare exchange in pen with you and your penurious Poetasters Pike: and if your valour or his swell to that height or heat as it will admit no other cooler but a downright scuffle, let wit perish and fall a woolgathering, if with a cheerful brow I leave not the precious Rills of Hippocrene, and wing my course for Campus Martius.  Hax. 
'Slid this Mus●us is a martialist; and if I had not held him a feverish white-livered staniel, that would never have encountered any but the seven sisters; that Knight of the Sun, who employed me, should have done his errand himself: well, I would I were out of his clutches: The only way than is to put on a clear face, lest I bring a storm upon myself.— virtuous Sir, what answer will your ingenuity be pleased to return by your most humble and obsequious vassal?  Tim. 
Ho Sir; are you there with you Bears! How this Gargantua's spirit begins to thaw?— sirrah, you Punto of valour—  Hax. 
I have indeed, puissant Sir, been in my time, rallied amongst those Blades: but it has been my scorn of late to engage my Tuck upon unjust grounds.  Tim. 
Tucca, thy valour is infinitely beholden to thy discretion.— But pray thee resolve me, art thou made known to the purport of thine errand?  Hax. 
In part I am.  Tim. 
And partly I will tell thee, this squirt squib, wherewith that pragmatical Monopolist Nasutius Neapolitanus has here employed thee to obstruct our Action, shall be received and returned with as much scorn, as it was sent us with spiteful impudence:— Let him come, if he like; he may trouble himself and his own impoverished patience: but we shall slight him on our Stage, and tax him of frontless insolence.  Hax. 
You shall do well Sir.  Tim. 
Well or ill, Sir, we will do it.— Pray tell me brave Spark, what Archias may this be, who takes thus upon him to excize the Revenues of our Theatral Pleasure to his purse? Be his monopolising brains of such extent, as they have power to engross all Inventions to his Coffer: all our Stage-action to his Exchequer?  Hax. 
I would be loath to praise him too much, because your transcendent self prize him so little— but his Travels have highly improved his expression.  Tim. 
We know it Don, and he knows it too, to his advantage.— But no man knows the issue of his Travel better than Timon. It is true, he addressed his course for Malagasco: but for what end? to learn hard words; school himself in the Utopian tongue: and to close up all, he sticked not, Xerxes-like, to deface Bridges, in the ruins whereof poor Gentleman, he irreparably suffered.  Hax. 
To my knowledge, he speaks no more than authentic truth: For I myself in my own proper person got a snap by a Neapolitan Ferret at the very same time. Ever since which hot Aetnean service; my legs have been taught to pace iambics: and jadishly to enterfear upon any condition. This to himself.  Tim. 
Thus much for your dispatch; only this:— Be it your civility, valiant Don, to present my service to his Na●ed Savages; Monkeys, baboons and Marmosites: advising withal your Master of the Bear-yard; that he henceforth content his hydroptick thoughts with his own box-holders'; and self he lose by his outlandish Properties, be it his care to pick out some Doxes of his own, lest those She-sharks whom he has employed upon that trading occasion, abuse his confidence.  Hax. 
Your Commands, Sir, shall be observed with all punctuality.  Tim. 
Do so brave Don, lest I call you to account, and return your wages with a Bastinado.— But withal tell that Cockspur your magnificent Maecenas, that he keep at home, and distemper not our Stage with the fury of his visits: lest he be encountered by my little Tarriers, which will affright him more than all his Spanish Gipsies.  Hax. 
Account me, invincible Sir, your most serviceable slave upon all interests.— Well, I have secured my crazy Bulk as well from a basting as ever mortal did. And if ever I be put on such desperate adventures again, let this weak radish body of mine become stuck round with cloves, and be hung up for a gammon of Westphalia bacon to all uses and purposes. Exit.  Tril. 
So! you have conjured down the spirit of one furious Haxter.   

Scen. 4.  Tim. 
And just so must all our Tavern Tarmagons be used; or they'll trepan you, as they did that old scarifide friar; whose bitter experiences furnished with ability enough to discover their carriage and his feverish distemper.  Boy. 
Sir, all our Boxes are already stored and seated with the choicest and eminentst damasellas that all Seville can afford: Besides Sir, all our Galleries and Groundstands are long ago furnished: The Groundlings within the yard grow infinitely unruly.  Tim. 
Go to Boy; this Plebeian incivility must not precipitate the course of our Action.— How oft have they sounded?  Boy. 
They're upon the last sound; but our expectance of that great Count, whose desires are winged for us, foreslow our entry.  Tim. 
These comic Presentments may properly resemble our Comet Apparitions; where their first darting beget impressions of an affectionate wonder, or prophetic astonishment. The world I must confess, is a Ball racketed above the line and below into every hazard: but whimsies and careers challenge such influence over the Judgement of our gallant refined Wits; as their Fancies must be humoured, and their humours tickled, or they leave our rooms discontented. So as, the Comedians Garden must find lettuce for all lips: or the disrelished Poet must be untrussed, and paid home with a swinging censure.— This must be my fate, for I can expect no less from these satirical Madams; whose ticklish resentment of their injured honour will make them kick before they be galled: but Timon is armed cap-à-pie against all such feminine Assailants. They shall find my scenes more modest, than some of their actions have merited.— And I must tell thee one thing by the way my ingenious Trillo, that I never found more freedom in my sprightly Genius, then in the very last night, 
Extrem● necte nullam Scaenis jaeliciorem re●eri. Afran.  when I set my period to this living Fancy.— But time and conveniences of the Stage enjoin me to leave thee.— Make choice of thy place, and expect the sequel.  Tril. 
May your Acts live to a succeeding age,  
And th' Lady's Alimony enrich your Stage.  Exeunt. After the third Sound. 

PROLOGUE.  
Madam's, you're welcome; though our Poet show  
A severe brow, it is not meant to you.  
Your virtues like your Features, they are such,  
They neither can be prized nor praised too much:  
loved and admired wheres'ever you are known,  
Scorning to mix platonics with your own:  
— Sit with a pleasing silence, and take view  
Of Forms vermillioned in another hue.  
Who make free traffic of their Nuptial Bed,  
As if they had of Fancy surfeited:  
Who come not here to hear our comic scenes,  
But to complete imaginary Dreams  
With realler Conceptions: if you mind them,  
" Their New Loves stand before, Old Loves behind them:  
And from that Prospect this Imprezza read,  
" Rich Pearls show best, when they're set in lead.  
Such be your blameless Beauties, which comply  
With no Complexion but a Native dye,  
Apt for a Spousal hug: and like rich Ore  
Admit one choice Impression, and no more.  
Those Faces only merit our esteem,  
" Seem what they be, and be the same they seem.  
For they who Beauty cloth with borrowed airs,  
May well disclaim them, being none of theirs.  
Here shall you see Nature adorned with skill,  
And if this do not please, sure nothing will.    

Act. 2.  

Scen. 1.  Enter two boys. 1. Boy. 
ROom, room for the Ladies of the New dress.  2. Boy. 
Thou styles them rightly Tim; for they have played the snakes, and put off their old slough: New Broom sweeps clean: Frosty age and youth suit not well together. These Bonaroba's must sat their appetites with fresh Cates, or their sharp attractive stomaches will be quickly cloyed.  1. Boy. 
True Nick; hadst thou known their nightly quartering as well as I have done, thou wouldst hold them rare Coyducks for retreving new game: and storing their Lobbies upon all adventures.  2. Boy. 
Why, Tim, art thou one of that covey?  1. Boy. 
Let it suffice thee, Wag, I know all their vagaries to an hair. I have not played such a Truant in my place; as to become their Pe De during all the time of their restraint: and not to attain the Principles of a Puny-Bolt: a faithful secret Pimp deserves his constant pay.  2. Boy. 
But in good sadness resolve me, were these dainty Dabrides ever in restraint?  1. Boy. 
As close cooped up, believe it, as any parachitoes ever were: only they assumed to their pretended aggrievances to exclaim against their hard fortunes, in being matched with such impotent and defective Husbands. And now they have by long flickering and strong favourites got out o'th' Cage: and wrought themselves into Alimony.  2. Boy. 
ud's so, will their dainty fingers tug in alum work?  1. Boy. 
What an ignorant Puppy thou art? This is no alum work, but such a calcinated metal, as it will run like Quicksilver over all their husband's Demains: and in very short time make a quick dispatch of all his Long acre.  2. Boy. 
Trust me Tim, these be mad-metaled girls: brave Braches to breed on.  1. Boy. 
What a wanton Monkey is this?— he's but newly bred, and he can talk of Wenches breeding!— well, thou wilt grow a Cock of th' game, if thy pen-feathred youth mount to't:— But silence, Wag, the She-Myrmidons are entering the stage: and I am pricked out for the Chorus.   

Scen. 2.  Enter six Ladies fantastically habited; in a wanton and pleasant posture: passing over the stage, they are encountered by six amorous complemental Servants. Every one singling forth his Mistress, for discourse. 2. Boy. 
What humorous Tomboys be these?  1. Boy. 
The only gallant Messalina's of our age. That Love-spotted ermine, is Madam FRICASE, a woman of a rampant spirit; a confident pretender to Language: and for the Latin, she makes herself as familiar with the breach of Priscian's head, as if it were her Husbands.  2. Boy. 
Who is she that looks like a mouted Scaledrake?  1. Boy 
That spit-fire is Madam caviar, one whose assiduate trading brought age upon her before her time. But Art has taught her to supply furrowed Deformities with Ceruss Boxes: and to repair a decayed Complexion with an Italian fucus. This with other fomentations have so enlivened her, as they render her no less active than if she at last Grass had but casten her colt's tooth. The next in rank is that mincing Madam JULIPPE, who would not bear a child for a world( though her endeavours be pregnant enough) for fear she should disfeature the comeliness of her body.  2. Boy. 
Yet she's a meddler.  1. Boy. 
A mellow one, and as ready to fall in Autumn upon all occasions.  2. Boy. 
What may that gaudy gugay Lady be, that throws such scornful looks upon our Galleries?  1. Boy. 
That's a brave Martial Milanese: Semiramis never had a more imperious spirit: she styles herself Madam JOCOLETTE; a jocund girl on my word: and one that will not engage her honour, nor barter in a light Commodity for nothing. She was a Tyrewoman at first in the Suburbs of Milan: but falling into an ebb of fortune, and hearing the quaint and various fancies of our country damasellas; she took upon her this adventure to improve her annual pension. Which she has by the dexterity of her wit and incomparable curiosity of art highly enlarged, and by this unexpected means: for it happened, to give an addition to her future happiness, that one Sir GREGORY SHAPELESS, a Mundungo's Monopolist, a paltry-penurious-pecking pinchgut, who had smooked himself into a Mercenary title of Knightship, set his affection upon her soon after her arrival here; whom thou may imagine, Neck; to be no sooner wooed then won. But scarcely were their marriage sheets warm; till her dissembled fancy, having no other bait but Lucre to feed it, grew cold. And the Mundungo Knight became pitifully Crest-faln: more in love with the World than his Italian Doxy. A divorce she sues and so happily pursues: as by the sollicitancy of her private Ingles, she became whole sharer in his trucking fortunes. Since which time, she pastures freely upon the Common without fear of enclosure.  2. Boy. 
Why should she not? A barren ranging do having once leapt over her own Pale, may encroach, though not with security, upon any others Liberty.  1. Boy. 
That next her in rank and as right as my leg in her career, is Madam MEDLER, a cunning Civil Trader: who with much simpering secrecy, as one that would seem sparing in discovery of her Husbands Debility; calls her Sir TRISTRAM SHORTTOOL a good well-meaning man, and one that might content any woman under the Aequinoctial Line, if Nature had measured him right. Whereas his sufficiency has been elsewhere tried: which his many Branches sprung from other stocks, may sufficiently witness; being Ciens of his own inoculating, and at his own proper charge for breeding. As for that Lady with the inflamed face, Madam TINDER; her desires are so strong and enlarged; as that Torrid Zone where she sometimes planted, could not accommodate her supplies.— And let this serve thee, Neck, for a short Character of these Alimonial Ladies.  2. Boy. 
Those Platonic Servants of theirs are upon a strong debate with their amorous Mistresses.  1. Boy. 
But note my precious wag, how infinitely they seem tickeld with the Accounts which those Ladies return them of their Court-proceedings.   

3. Scene.  Florello. 
You over-glad me Madam Fricace with your select discourse, closing so fairly with our expected wishes.  Caranto. 
No conceit  
Struck more on fancy then the tale you told me;  
'Tis so attractive, Madam caviar,  
It acts delight without a passive Object  
And forms an embryo in the fantasy  
By Loves mysterious Spell: may Ida's Court  
Ne'er see Caranto exercise his revels  
If he neglect those ceremonial rites  
Which Love and Duty have obliged him to.  
" May all the Orbs make music in their Motion  
And smile on our enjoyment.  Palisado. 
Fair Julippe,  
Your choice has crowned me; Nor shall tract of time  
Raze out that Impreze with your free assent  
Has here engraven: palisadoes zeal  
Shall merit your affection, if endeavours  
May mount to such a pitch, as they may cheer  
My hopes in retribution: Secrecy  
Or what may most suit with a Lady's honour  
Shall in this breast keep constant Century.  Salibrand. 
If Salibrand fall short, may he be forced  
To sue his own Divorce.— Dear Joculette  
May your estrangement from a loathed Bed  
Complete your choice with a delightful change.  Morisco. 
Balls, Treats, Reer-Banquets, Theatral Receipts  
To solace tedious hours, shall entertain  
My mellow meddler: and when evening pleasure  
Shall with in livening vigour summon more  
Duly-reserved Offices; which Love  
In her arrival, her desired repose.  
Shall pay his loyal tribute; only due  
To Crowns and Nuptial Rites: or as pure times  
Make these divisions legal, to supply  
Defects by abler Farmers: which defraied  
Proves man to be himself: I'll vow no more,  
Only give leave to your devoted servant  
Whose purest victim is a constant heart  
To make this tender good:— Before I fail  
In acting your content, may youthful heat  
Disclaim its interest in me: and this spirit  
Active and sprightly lose his native strength,  
Nay thaw it 〈◊〉 to atoms, and resolve  
To Opick powder, juice of Cucumber,  
Or what may show most chillness in the blood.  Tilly-vally. 
Like brave Platonic you profess much love,  
Which you ennamle with gilt promises,  
But my affection's conscious of no guilt  
Nor a rhetoric tincture: Some can speak,  
And call the heavens to record, when their fancy  
Mere Planet-struck, has fixed their influence  
On various Objects:— this deludes poor Wenches,  
And makes them melt like ceruse:— heavens' forgive them,  
I'm none of that light Leven: nor Florello,  
Caranto, Palisado, Salibrand,  
Nor you Morisco: moments of delight  
May prompt unmannaged youth to damned protests  
And vows which they intend not: whereas, Madams,  
Your choice has made you happy in your change.  
This shall my dear affianced Tinder find  
In her Embraces; and in those conclude  
Stolen waters be the sweetest.  All. 
Excellent;  
Thou shalt be styled th' Platonic Pythias.  Friscase. 
Our faith is not confirmed by Oratory.  
If Man, he cannot falsify his trust  
In offices of love: we leave our own  
For your enjoyment; were there piety  
In making Love the Anvil of your treason?  
No, no; we shall not entertain a thought  
That may suggest suspicion: nor retain  
In our late widowed breasts a crime so foul  
As jealousy: let our Cornuto's harbour  
That marrow-eating Fury.— Dear Florello,  
Hold my exchanged Love complete in thee.  Caviar: 
Hold same opinion of thy caviar,  
My best coranto.  Julippe. 
Treasure like esteem  
In thy julippees choice, brave Palisado.  Joculette. 
In Joculette, active Salibrand.  Medler. 
Thy spriteliest Revels may they be reserved  
For thy endeared meddler, my Morisco.  Tinder. 
So may thy hopes be crowned in thy Tinder,  
My valiant Tilly: and rest thus resolved,  
That th'tender tinder of my tried affection  
Shall ne'er obscure its lustre, if neglect  
Extinguish not that heat.  Tilly. 
May th' Frigid Zone  
Sooner contract my sinews.  Morisco. 
And Loves Grove  
Become an hermit's Cell.  Sal. 
And our Revels  
A sullen Stoic Dream.  Palisado. 
And this exchange  
A period to our joys.  Caranto. 
And our protests  
Affrighting shadows.  Florello. 
Or what's worst of all,  
May those Contents which you expect from us  
Discover our defects: and make you wish  
Your Nuptial Beds untouched.  All. 
May all these fall  
And crush us with their grandeur.  Ladies. 
Be it so.  
And if our levity disvalue vows,  
Or what may most oblige us; may like censure  
Impeach our perished honours. They retire.  1. Boy. 
— So, the match  
Is clapped already up: they need no witness.  2. Boy. 
Trust me, they couple handsomely, as if they had been married after th' New fashion.  1. Boy. 
These need no dispensation: Fancy can act it without more ado.  
A mad match soon shuffled up.  2. Boy. 
But what shuffling would there be, if any of these wanton Gossips should cry out before their time?  1. Boy. 
That cry, my dainty Wag, would be soon stifled. There be many ways, as I have heard my old Granham say, who had been in her youth a Paracelsian doctor's leman, to impregnate a Birth, and by secret applications, apozems and cordials, not only to facilitate but expedite their production.  2. Boy. 
And what of all this?  1. Boy. 
Why then Tim, the only safe way for these gamesome Maquerella's is, to antedate their Conception before their separation: This has been an approved Receipt; and upon a long consult, found so and returned authentic: Joy or Grief produce wondrous effects in humorous Ladies.  2. Boy. 
Thou art a cunning sifting Ningle for all rogueries.   

4. scene.  Enter again the Ladies with their Platonic Confidents. 1. Boy. 
What! so soon returned; upon my life there's some amorous design on foot either in displaying of the weakness of those Ram●-heads whom they have deserted: or some Pasquil of light mirth, to ingratiate their late entertained Servants.  2. Boy. 
No Drollery for love sake:  
Facetious fancies are the least profane.  1. Boy. 
That's a precious strain of modesty, Nick, make much on't:  
— Let's fasten our attentions— They are moving.  Florello. 
Dear Madam Fricase, present those scenes,  
Those love-attractive scenes, your Noble self  
With these long injured Ladies tendered  
To your Prudential Senat.  Fricase. 
Sure Florello  
You much mistake them; can you call them scenes  
Which just complaints exhibit? true, they might,  
They might have proved to us and to our honours  
That lay at stake, and by spectators thought  
Highly engaged, nay desperately exposed  
To a Judicial sentence: a Decree  
Of fatal consequence.  Caranto. 
But pregnant wits  
stored with maturest judgement, polite tongues  
Calmed an approaching storm.  Palisado. 
Nay, made you gracious  
Before those rigid Consuls.  Sal. 
For my part,  
I never knew a good face spoil a cause  
Though th'Bench were ne'er so gravely ancient:  
Nor ripe in years.  Morisco. 
Beauty's a taking bait  
Which each fish nibbles at: this Appius felt,  
A reverend Sage, whom furrowed brow, loose lip,  
Strait line of life, a rough distempered cough,  
Aged Catarrhs, a shivered shell turned earth,  
where nought appeared that might partake of man  
Save a weak breathing motion: yet could He  
Send forth light wand'ring eyes: and court Virginia  
With a dull admiration: so the Bard  
Describes his daring-doating appetite,  
Which he pursued, yet thought none durst discover:  
Appius had silent tongue, but speaking eyes,  
Yet who says Appius loves Virginia, lies,  Tilly. 
Not I, I vow: let age attire itself,  
And in that garish habit fool his soul  
With fruitless wishes: what's all this to me?  
Pygmalion may with his incessant vows  
Sweetened with fancy's incense seek t'enliven  
Motionless marble: but such statues render  
Icy content: Imagination may  
Make th'Image seem a Leda: yet the Swan  
Retains her feature and her nature too.  
— Let's leave these apprehensions; they suit better  
With sh●dy then essentials favourites.  
— Good Madams, second our desires; let's hear  
How you were dealt withal.  Florello. 
Our instancy  
Begs so much favour.  Caranto. 
It will cheer our spirits  
In the relation of your fair Proceedings.  Mor. 
Where th'issue crowned your suit with that success  
No Fates seemed more propitious.  Palisado. 
We must have't;  
You know what longing means.  Sal. 
Come, who begins?  Ladies. 
Stay, Gallants, wing not your too speedy course  
With such Pegasian quickness, our consent  
Should go along: our interests are concerned  
To perfect your desires.  Florello. 
And we presume  
Your acquiescence will accomplish it;  
Our mutual loves close in that harmony,  
That though the airs of music still admit  
Their closure in Divisions, our joint strings  
So sweetly tuned, may run their Diapason  
Without a Discord.  Fricase, 
By which sense we gather  
That we must prove your fiddlers;  Florello. 
You mistake me:  
We hold you instruments; your fancies strings  
To actuate our motion with that fullness  
Arion ne'er attained too.  Ladies. 
We must yield  
Or they will storm us.  Fricase. 
Yet let our conditions  
Bring them within our lists.— Well, our surprise  
Must make you parties i'th' discovery.  All. 
For Loves sake how?  Fricase. 
As thus; we stand at Bar  
T' express our grievances: and you must set  
Grave Censors or Examinates, to discuss  
The weight of our Complaints.  All. 
Content; we'll do't.  Ladies. 
But do't exactly, or you spoil the plot.  Caranto. 
'Slid, doubt not Ladies, we have wit enough  
To frame Intergotaries, so you make answer,  
And with your quickness do not puzzle us.  All. 
Advance, advance, let's mount and play the Consuls.  The Confidents ascend the higher Seats, erected after the form of the Roman Exedra's: And the Ladies with Petitions in their hands standing at the Bar. 1. Boy. 
How will these dainty dotterels act their parts?  2. Boy. 
Rarely no doubt; their Audience makes them confident.   

scene. 5.  Florello. 
Now fair Ladies, what wind has blown you hither?  Fricase. 
The storm of our unsufferable wrongs  
Call unto you for Justice.  Caranto. 
And your Beauties  
Enjoins our just assistance.— show your griefs.  1. Boy. 
This is a Caranto-man with all my heart! must  
Beauty be his Land skip on the seat of Justice?  2. Boy. 
Pray thee give them line.  Fricase. 
Should I discover my misfortunes, Consuls,  
They would enforce compassion even in strangers  
Who know not my Extraction.— My descent  
Besides the Fortunes I derived from them  
Who gave me Being, Breeding, with whats'ere  
Might complete youth, or give embellishment  
To nature's curious workmanship, was known  
To shine more graceful in the eye of fame  
Then to remain obscure: yet see my fate,  
My sad occurring fate!  Florello. 
Express it Madam.  Fricase. 
I married, Reverend Consul, and in that  
Lost both my freedom, fortune and myself.  
My former single sweet condition  
Clothes that remembrance in a sable weed,  
Resolves mine eyes to Niobees, whose teirs She feigns to weep, in resentment of her former estate.  
Might drop to marble, and erect an urn  
T'inhume my funeral spousals.  Caranto. 
Alas poor Lady.  1. Boy. 
Pitiful senator, if he have not drunk some  
Coffie to keep him waking, he will questionless fall asleep,  
or melt into tears before he delivers his sentence.  Palisado. 
Whence sprung this stream of infelicity,  
Resolve us Madam?  Fricase. 
From mine hapless match;  
A tender stripling, whose unmanly chin  
Had ne'er known Razor, nor discovered  
A youthful down: yet his minority  
Was by o'erpowering friends accounted fit  
To match with my maturer growth: But time  
Displayed their folly who enjoined me to't  
And my misfortune most: light was his brain  
But weaker far his strength to satisfy  
Those lawful Nuptial heats, which breathed in us  
An active fire.— Now I appeal to you  
Judicious Consuls;  2. Boy. 
Hold there, Madam; under favour, these brave Senators you appeal to, are more for Execution then judgement.  Fricase. 
Could the patience Aside.  
Of Griselda, were she living, reap content  
In such enjoyments? Could she suffer youth  
Quickened with blooming fancy to expire  
And quench her heat with such an useless snuff?  Florello. 
A match unsufferable.  Caranto. 
Opposing Nature.  Palisado. 
Nay, what in time would quite depopulate  
And make the World a Desert.  Sal. 
Higher wrongs  
Cannot inflicted be on Woman kind.  Morisco. 
Nor meriting an heavier censure.  Tilly. 
Nor,  
Aspersing more dishonour on that sex,  
That most endeared sex, to which we owe  
Ourselves and fortunes: for should their choice Beauties  
Suffer a pillage by desertless hands,  
Forced to a loathed Bed, and made a prey  
To seared age, or to unripened youth,  
How soon might these imparalleled Deities  
By fixing their affections on strange faces  
And their more graceful posture, which they valued  
Above their churlish consorts, become strangers  
To their due spousal rites: How soon engage  
Their honour to th'Embraces of a Servant  
Of brave deportment, sprightly eyes, neat limbs,  
A virile presence, and a countenance  
'Twixt Ajax and Adonis; neither fierce  
Nor too effeminate: but mixed 'twixt both,  
" Neither too light to scorn, nor stern to loath?  
'Twas this brought Troy to ruin: for had Helen  
Espoused where she had loved, poor Menelaus  
Had ne'er been branched, nor Troy reduced to flames,  
Nor Priam and his Hecuba the grounds  
Of sad-succeeding stories.  1. Boy. 
A gallant Consul, trust me; he has got by heart the Ballad of the Destruction of Troy to a syllable.  Florello. 
Honoured Colleague  
You show yourself both learned and eloquent.  
Madam, be pleased to solace discontent  
With a retired repose: we have discussed  
And balanced the grandeur of your wrongs  
In a judicious scale: and shall apply  
Proper Receipts to your aggrievances  
When we have heard the rest.  1. Boy. 
Receipts of their own application, I warrant thee.  Caranto. 
Madam caviar,  
You here appear as a Complainant too.  Cave. 
And none more justly:— ne'er was woman matched  
To such a stupid, sottish animal;  
One that's composed of nonsense, and so weak  
In Masculine abilities, he ne'er read  
The Wife of baths Tale, nor what thing might please  
A woman best:— my Curtain Lectures have  
No influence on him.— I must confess  
He's simply honest; but what's that to me?  
He apprehends not what concerns a woman:  
Nor what may suit her quality in state  
And fit dimension.  Caranto. 
A most unfitting Husband.  Caveare. 
It was my parent's caution I remember,  
But 'twas not my sad fate t'observe that Lesson,  
Never to fix my fancy on a person  
Who had no Sage in's pate: lest progeny of fools  
Should make my race unhappy: this has made  
My thoughts mere strangers to his weak embraces,  
Nor shall I ere affect him.  Florello. 
Madam, no Law  
Would in the Spartan State enjoin a Lady  
So nobly accomplished to confine  
Her fancy to such fury.  Palisado. 
This objection  
Admits no long debate.  Sal. 
Her rich deserts  
Adorned with such choice native faculties,  
And graced with art to make them more complete,  
In human reason should exempt her youth  
From such a servile yoke.  Morisco. 
In ancient times  
When wisdom guarded senates; a Decree  
Confirmed by public Vote enacted was,  
That none should marry till he had observed  
Domestic discipline; and first to bear  
With a composed garb th' indignities  
Of a Xanthippe, if his fortune were  
To cope with such a fury: and to calm  
Her passion with his patience:— now grave Colleagues  
What comfort might this injured Lady drain  
In these puntileos which import her state,  
From this Insensate Sot?  Tilly. 
Exchange his Bed  
And sue his Patent for the Fatuano:  
And to display him to his visitants  
In clearer colours; let this Motto be  
Engraven on those walls deep-ached with time:  
Defective in his Head-piece here he lies,  
Object of scorn to all surveying eyes.  2. Boy. 
So, poor scatter-brain, he has got his judgement already.  Caranto. 
Praxatiles could ne'er portray him better,  
Nor lodge his sconce more fitly.— You may, Madam,  
Conceive how sensibly we feel your wounds,  
And with what promptness we shall expedite  
your long-expected cure.  Palisado. 
Madam Julippe,  
You come next in rank; declare your griefs,  
And if our judgements hold them meriting  
Our just relief, we have compassionate hearts  
And powerful hands to vindicate your wrongs  
To th' utmost scruple.  Julippe. 
If they weigh not heavy  
Let me incur your censure.— Patriots,  
For I appeal to your judicious bosoms  
Where serious Justice has a residence  
Mixed with a pious pity: I shall unravel  
The Clew of my misfortunes in small threads  
Thin-spun as is the subtle Gothsemay.  
Deep wounds, like griefs, require contracted lines,  
Few words, long sighs, Accents that want express.  
First give me leave one beamling to bestow  
On my obscured, once glorious family.  All. 
Madam proceed, Fame made it eminent.  Iulip. 
But now contemptive, by marrying one  
Who bears the shape of man, and that is all,  
A base-white-livered Coward: whose regard  
To his lost honour stamps him with that brand,  
That hateful stigma which humanity  
Scorns as the basest complice.  Palisado. 
Style it Madam.  Iulip. 
Pusillanimity.— That Ranter breathes not  
Who with his peeked monchatoes may not brave him,  
Baffle, nay baste him out of his possessions:  
His fortunes he esteems not, so his person  
May be secured from beating.  All. 
Matchless Coward.  Iulip. 
Nor is this all;' has sought t'engage my Bed,  
My Nuptial Bed and honour, nay those sheets,  
Where I may safely vow, ne'er man lay in  
Beside my husband.  2. Boy. 
Very like; But how many when he was not there? Aside.  Florello. 
No misfortune worse  
Nor humour hateful to a virile spirit,  
Whereof your noble family partakes  
Then want of courage.  Palisado. 
Tush, Sir, that's not all,  
Her line in time might grow degenerate  
And blanch the living memory of those  
From whence she came.  Caveare. 
There's none who here appears  
Before you Conscript Consuls, but can give  
Store of evincing instances of this:  
For matching with Sir Jasper Simpleton  
An hair-brained puppy, most of all my brood▪  
Run like shell headed Lapwings in careers  
Just as their own supposed father did  
Simple Sir Jasper, whose small dose of sense  
Proportioned their discretion.— Till a change  
Impregnated me more wisely.  Fricase. 
So did I  
Suffer in my raw Puny Amadin;  
Though all my fears summed up their period,  
And in it crowned my wishes for one Boy,  
Who while he lives, I think, will prove a Boy,  
I had by my young stripling: who can trace  
His father's steps directly: all his games  
Wherein his lineal youth takes sole delight  
Are yert-point, nine pins, job-nut, or span Count▪  
Or riding cockhorse, which, his Dad admires  
Smiling to see such horsemanship performed:  
Now I appeal to you, whose judgements are  
Maturely serious, if these tomboy tricks▪  
Might not perplex me and enforce me too  
To act what my affections prompt me do!  Ioculet. 
If one complain of the minority  
Of her thin-douny Consort: and you Madam  
Of his Simplicity whom you have chused,  
And you julippe of his cowardice,  
Whom with averseness you have made your spouse;  
What grounds of discontent may I conceive  
Unhappy Joculette, in my choice  
My nightly torture; whose Embraces be  
Worse than those snaky windings unto me  
Dipped in Medusa's Charms.  Caranto. 
Unbare your wound.  2. Boy. 
Nay, let that be the least of your fears;— she'll do that to an hair.  Ioculet. 
Know then judicious Consuls  
These arms are forced t' enwreathe a shapeless mass  
Of all Deformity: a Bear unlicked,  
One whom Thersites that disfigured Greek  
So far excelled in native Lineaments,  
Proportion, Feature, and Complexion,  
( All rare attractives to the eye of Love,)  
As amorous Nar●issus in his prime  
Surpassed the roughest Sylvan that the woods  
E'er nursed or harboured: yet enjoined am I  
To hug this Centaur: who appears to me  
A Prodigy in Nature.  All. 
'Tis a fate  
Exacts compassion: and deserves redress.  Florello. 
Such a complete and exquisite a beauty  
Accomplished in all parts—  Caranto. 
Nay qualified  
With rarity of arts to make her sex  
With pious emulation to admire  
Her choice perfections—  Palisado. 
And all these obscured,  
Soiled, sullied, perished by th' immeriting touch  
Of a misshapen Boor—  Sal. 
Such precious gems  
Set in ignoble metals cannot choose  
But much detract from th' native graceful lustre  
Which they retained by means of that base Ore  
Imp●ls their Orient splendour.—  Morisco. 
This is nothing  
To th' injury her lineage may receive  
From his deformity.  Tilly. 
I must confess  
That threatneth much of danger: yet I read not  
That Vulcan's poult foot or his smutted look  
Blackened with Lemnian Sea-coal, brought the issue  
Be got by Venus, if he any got,  
To change their amorous physiognomy—  Morisco. 
He may thank  
Mars for that active courtesy, or it had  
Disfigured much his spurious progeny.  Florello. 
Well Madam, we compassionate your choice  
In your Sir Gregory Shapeless: and shall find  
A quick receipt to cure your discontent  
With a new-molded and more pleasing feature  
Then your sad fate enjoys.— Repose, till we  
Have run through all your griefs, and felt your pulses.  2. Boy. 
For shame sake, no further my dainty Doctors.  Aside. Florello. 
With th'symptoms or gradations as they stream  
In your desertless Sufferings; Paroxisms,  
Or what extremes may most surprise your fancies:  
In these, our serious Judgements shall supply  
Such sovereign Cordials: as you shall not need  
No use nor application of more help  
Than what we shall prepare: let this suffice,  
It rests in us to cure your maladies.  
— Excuse us Madam Medler, these debates  
Have kept us from discovery of your wrongs.  Medler. 
Then which none more depressive:— would you judge  
Th' Musician good that wants his Instrument:  
Or any artisan who goes to work  
Without provision of a proper tool  
To manage that employment?— Modesty  
Bids me conceal the rest: my secret wants  
Require an active tongue: but womanhood  
Enjoins me silence.  Morisco. 
Alas I'm sensible  
Of her aggrievance ere her dialect  
Can give it breath or accent.  Medler. 
But you say,  
And our experience has informed us too  
In that essential truth, that we must first  
Disclose our wounds, if we expect a cure:  
Let your impartial judgements than give eat  
To a distressed Ladies just complaint.  
In my first years, as now I am not old,  
My friends resolved, to supply a portion,  
Which my descent though good could not afford,  
To match my youth unto a man of age,  
Whose Nest was richly feathered, stored of all  
But native vigour, which expressed itself  
As if all radical humour had been drenched  
In a chill shady bed of Cucumbers  
Before our Nuptial Night: oft had I begged  
With sighs and tears that this unequal match  
Might be diverted: but it might not be,  
The fullness of his fortunes winged them  
To consummate the match: this pleased them,  
But me displeased, whom it concerned most.  Florello. 
The issue, Madam!  Medler. 
None, nor ever shall  
With that seer suckless Kex.  Morisco. 
Never was Lady  
So rarely beautified, so highly wronged.  Car. 
What flinty worldling were those friends of yours  
To value Fortunes more than your content?  Palisado. 
To prostitute your honour to a clod  
Of mouldered earth?  Sal. 
And in an icy bed  
To starve your blooming comforts?  Tilly. 
This exceeds  
All spousal suffering, which preceding times  
In our Italian stories ever read  
Or in their sable Annals registered.  Flor. 
Much of Sir Tristram Shorttool, so I think,  
Men call your Husband, have I ofttimes heard  
And his penurious humour: But your wrongs  
Were strangers to me, till your own relation  
Displayed their quality; which to allay,  
Nay, quite remove, transmit the care to us  
And our directions, to supply your wants,  
We should be just to all, but still retain  
A bosom pity to the weaker sex;  
If we observed not this with tenderness,  
We should not merit this Judicial Seat  
Whereto—.  1 Boy. 
These Dabrides raised you.  Tilly. 
Now Madam Tinder your aggrieves are last.  Tinder. 
But not the least: what woman could endure  
In spousal rights to have a stranger share  
In her enjoyments? or remain deprived  
Of her propriety by losing those  
Appropriate dues which Nature has ordained  
And sacred rites approved?— You see I'm young,  
And youth expects that tribute which our sex  
May challenge by descent.  All. 
Her Plea is good.  Tinder. 
Would you not reverend Consuls hold it strange,  
To see a savage unconfined Bull,  
When th' Pasture's fruitful, and the milk-pail full,  
And all delights that might content a Beast,  
Range here and there: and break into those grounds  
Which are less fertile, and where neither shade  
Affords him umbrage, nor smooth-running Brooks  
Streams to allay his thirst: nay, where the grass  
Too strew for fodder, and too rank for pasture  
Would generate more fatal maladies  
Then a whole college of state-empirics  
Or Countrey-Farriers had art to cure?  Florello. 
Such Bullocks, Madam, well deserve a baiting.  Tilly. 
And beating too.  Tinder. 
Yet this is my condition.  
For marrying one Sir Reuben Scattergood,  
A Person in appearance like enough  
And well-disposed for aught my watchful Eyes  
Could long discover● but his Father dead  
And his revenues by his Death swollen great,  
His Nuptial Bed he leaves: and entertains  
Such mercenary Prostitutes as fancy,  
His loose-exposed Fancy, lured him to.  Caranto. 
Injurious Ribald.  Palisado. 
Hateful Libertine.  Tilly. 
Had she been old, or crooked, or any way  
Deformed.  Sal. 
Or ill-conditioned.  Morisco. 
Or averse  
When he was active.  Florello. 
Or run retrograde  
To his just pleasures: these might have abridged  
And weakened his affection: but when beauty,  
Composed temper and a graceful presence  
Clothed both with majesty and a sweet smile  
Of such attractive quality, as th' Adamant  
Cannot more virtually enforce its Object  
Than these impressive motives of content:  
He merits not the Title of a Man,  
Much less th' embraces of so choice a spouse,  
Who violates his faith; deceives her trust.  Caranto. 
I am directly, Sir, of your opinion.  Palisado. 
So I;  Morisco. 
And I.  All. 
So all of us concur,  
To make our Judgements more unanimous.  Tinder. 
And to confirmed, may you be pleased to give  
Attention to a story I shall tell,  
As true as strange to manifest th' Affronts  
My Patience has endured, and to what height  
His Luxury ascended?  All. 
Madam do,  
We shall lend ready Ears to your discourse.  Tinder. 
It chanced one day, and ofttimes so it chanced,  
For doubtful thoughts have ever jealous eyes,  
That my suspicion had begot a fear,  
That my neglectful Husband had a kindness,  
And more than usual, unto my Maid,  
A proper Maid, if so she might be called:  
Now to possess myself whether those grounds  
Whereon I built might just inducements be  
Of my late-hatched fears, I made pretence,  
( What is it jealousy will not design?)  
To go from home▪ But this was no recede  
But a retire: for in the evening time  
When those two amorous pair expected lest  
Such an unwelcome visit, I repaired  
To a close Arbour set with Sycamours,  
The Tamarisk and sweet-breathed Eglantine,  
That local Object which I fixed upon  
Not of myself, but by direction,  
Where I found out what I suspected long,  
Such wanton dalliance as the Lemnian Smith  
Never discovered more when he prepared  
His artful Net t'enwreath his Eriena  
Impaled in Mars his arms.  All. 
Could you contain  
Your passion in such Aretine a posture?  Tinder. 
With much reluctancy I did indeed,  
Curbing my temper which was much enraged  
With this too mild expression:— Fie for shame▪  
Minion I'll have none of this work, not I.  
You may when it it is offered you, said he.  1. Boy. 
Ha, ha, ha. This was a boldfaced Nigler, trust me Wag. Aside.  Florello. 
Was't not enough for him t'enjoy his pleasure,  
But he must jeer you too?  Caranto. 
As if you were  
A Stale to his light dalliance?  Palisado. 
Or a scorn to his embraces.  
Was her servile beauty  
Exposed to sale, dishonour of her Sex  
To be compared to yours?  Sal. 
Whose native splendour  
Without the help of Art, which makes complexion  
By borrowed colours much unlike itself;  
May challenge a prerogative i'th' rank  
Of our completest Features.  Morisco. 
It seems strange  
How you could brook th' affront without revenge  
On that insulting Prostitute.  Tillival. 
No doubt  
She would take hold of opportunity  
By th' foretop, and repair her pressing wrongs  
By private satisfactions, which works best  
When their Revenge seems sleeping and at rest.  
This Lady would not rate her worth so small  
As to forego both Use and Principal.  2. Boy. 
No; reverend Favourite, you will find this Madam Spitfire of a keener metal than so. She's right tinder: no sooner touch then take.  Florello. 
Ladies, We've heard your different Complaints  
Forcing our just compassion and resolves  
To tender your condition and redress:  
What may the purport be of your Petition  
Relating to your grievances?  All-Lad. 
A freedom  
From our disrelished Beds.  All-Plat. 
'Tis granted you.  Ladies. 
With Alimony to support our state  
In this division.  Platon. 
Your suit is just,  
Should we oppose it, we might wrong ourselves.  1. Boy. 
Very likely; for they mean to be made whole Sharers both in their Persons and Personal Estates:— This is brave judicial Brocage. Aside.  Florello. 
Speak Fellow Colleagues, Shall I limit them  
What we in Justice hold expedient  
For th' Alimonal Charge proportioned them,  
And in what measure to supply their Wants?  All. 
Do so Florello, we shall second it.  Florello. 
Thus I conceive, these Ladies have resigned  
Their title, property and interest,  
In whole and not in part which they enjoyed  
In their defective Husbands.— Were't not just  
In lieu o'th' whole which they have here disclaimed  
That they should seize upon the moiety  
Of their Revenues whom they have here deserted  
As useless Instruments unto the State?  Platon. 
A just proportion:  Ladies. 
We submit to it.  2. Boy. 
And so ye may well, if your Husbands will yield to't.  1. Boy. 
These be nimble shavers Nick as well as sharers: they know how to cut large thongs out of other folks leather.  Flor. 
This crowns our wishes, when with joint consent  
We close out votes and render you content.  Caranto. 
Dismount, dismount, let's exercise no more They descend,  
These purple seats, their stories stand too high  
For our Ascent: only let's thus much know  
Whether our Parts were acted well or no.  Ladies. 
Above expectance: singular in all,  
But best in your Conclusion.  Fricase. 
You did well  
In your proportioning of our Alimony,  
Moulded to th' moiety of their estates  
Whom we have justly left: but we had less  
Allotted us in more authentic Courts.  Palisado. 
That was not in our verge to regulate.  Caveare. 
Nor skills it much: we have a competence  
Aspiring to Exceedings; and in this  
More blessed because exempted from those bonds  
Which our long servitude inchain'd us to.  Florello. 
Of Consuls then, which title we usurped  
To cheer your fancies, we shall now become  
Your Servants, Confidents or Favourites,  
Or how you please to style us:— we are all  
Affianced yours: firm as the solid Rock  
In your reserved counsels and what may  
Hold correspondence with your interests,  
But soft and malleable as liquid amber  
In its resolving temper when delight  
Shall sport it in your bosom, and admit  
A sociable dalliance.  Fricase. 
Your free discourse  
Grounded on former proofs of constancy  
Has so endeared me, I am wholly yours.  Cav. 
Madam, we mean not you shall have it so;  
You've broke the ice, and we will trace your steps;  
Former experience has engaged me  
To fix on my coranto.  Julippe. 
Palisado shall  
Enjoy my love.  Joculette. 
I for my Salibrand.  Medler. 
Morisco mine.  Tinder. 
Tinder shall Tilly's be.  Tilly. 
Pure tender Tinder of affection,  
The newblown Bloom that craves a native warmth  
To cherish its young growth shall not receive  
More solace from those Orient rays which shine  
On its fresh-springing beauty, than your choice  
Shall in my dear embraces.  Tinder. 
I shall try you.  1. Boy. 
Thus walks the poor gentlemen's Revenues to raise these Doxes Alimony: and thus runs their Alimony to feed these youngsters riot.  Platon. 
Our joy's completed:— Seal this joint Conveyance  
With those ambrosiac signets of your lips. They kiss.  
" One house did hold, one house shall hold us twain,  
" Once did we kiss, and we will kiss again.  2. Boy. 
How Turtle-like they couple!    

Act. 2.  

Scen. 6.  Upon these platonics private parlance, Dalliance and Embraces of their Ladies▪ Enter Sir Amadin Puny; Sir Jasper Simpleton; Sir Arthur Heartless▪ Sir Gregory Shapeless; Sir Tristram Shorttool; Sir Reuben Scattergood; in a melancholy discontented mode; with their Hats over their eyes. Sir Amadin. 
Is this th'Platonick Law; all things in common?  Sir Jasper. 
Must all forego their wives that are not wise?  Sir Arthur. 
Or be divorced because we dare not fight?  Sir Greg. 
Or lose our Mates because we are not handsome?  Sir Trist. 
Nay, because we are not armed so well as others be,  
Forfeit our Consort and our Fortunes too?  Sir Reuben. 
Yes, that's the plague on't,— lose a light-heeled trull,  
That in my judgement's nothing: but to lose all  
Or moiety of that all, or any part at all  
For a poor nifling toy that's worse than nothing,  
'Tis this that nettleth me.— I must confess  
Tinder that light-skirt with impetuous heat  
Sometimes pursued me, till that quenchless fire  
Burst into flames of boundless jealousy  
Which crossed mine humour: for variety  
Relished my palate:— Phoenix brains be rare  
But if our dishes had no other fare  
They would offend the stomach, and so sat it  
As grosser meats would give a better taste:  
Such was my surfeit to a marriagebed.  
My Fortunes I prefer before her beauty,  
Or what may most content the appetite.  
Money will purchase wenches: but this want,  
This roguish thing called want makes wanton thoughts  
Look much unlike themselves: 'tis this white metal  
Enliveneth spirits, knits our arteries  
Firm as Alcides: He that binds himself  
Apprentice to his wife merely for love,  
May he, pen-feathered widgeon, forfeit's freedom  
With whatsoever is dearest to the vogue  
Of his affections: she were a rare piece  
That could engage me or oblige me hers  
With all those Ceremonial rites which flamens use  
To Hymen's honour: Beauty, still stay I,  
Will breed a surfeit, be it ne'er so choice  
" Nor eye-attractive: I should choose a Grave  
" Before one Mistress all mine Interest have.  
O my Alimony, Alimony; this is the goad that only prickels me!  Platon. 
Those be your Husbands, Ladies;— how pitifully they look?  Ladies. 
Alas, poor Cuckolds. These Platonics discover the Knights: and scornfully eye them.  Knights. 
Ladies, we were sometimes your Husbands.  Ladies. 
True,  
You were so; but your known defects have razed  
That style of Wedlock: and enfranchised us  
From that tyrannic yoke.— We're now our own,  
Nor shall our Beds by you be henceforth known.  Sir Amadin. 
What have I done?  Fricase. 
Nothing, Sir Amadin;  
And that's sufficient to divide us two.  
Your puny years must grow in strength and sinews  
To prove you man before you can partake  
In my enjoyments: th'Court has so decreed,  
And by resentment of that injury  
Your blooming youth unripened for delight  
Has done to me your hapless Virgin Bride,  
Held fit to number me amongst these Ladies,  
All different sufferers; and for supportance,  
As every thing, you know, would gladly live,  
Allots us Alimony.  Florello. 
So, his score's paid. Aside.  Sir Jasper. 
Madam, look on Sir Jasper.  Caveare. 
Honest Simpleton  
And so I will, just as the Fowler is wont  
On a catcht Dotrell; till your wasted brains  
Rise to more growth, I from my widowed Bed  
Will rise untouched: these breasts shall never give  
Their nursing teats unto a Brood of Fools.  Caranto. 
So, good Sir Jasper, you've your Doom in Folio. Aside.  Sir Arthur. 
Receive me dear Julippe.  Julippe. 
For what end?  
Have you stolen from your Colours?— Oh I hate  
A Coward worse than a Maidenhead  
Basely bestowed;— these Paphlagonian Birds,  
These Heartless Partridges shall never nestle  
Under my feathers: till your spirit revive  
And look like man, disclaim your interest  
And injured title in Julippe.  Palisado. 
So;  
He must first learn to fight, ere she to love. Aside.  Joculette. 
What would Sir Gregory?  Sir Greg. 
That you would love me.  Iocul. 
No; you must cast your slough first: can you see  
Aught in yourself worth loving: have you ever  
Since our unhappy meeting used a Glass,  
And not been startled in the sad perusal  
Of your affrightful physiognomy?— Sir, hear me,  
And let me beg your patience if you hear,  
Aught may disrelish you;— when th' Camel shall  
Transshape himself into a nimble Wesil  
Or such like active Creature: and this Bunch  
Which Nemesis has on your shoulders pitched,  
This Bunch of Grapes I mean, shall leveled be She lies her hand upon his Shoulders.  
And brought into proportion by a Press  
Equally squeezing, till it shall retain  
Adonis' feature, I shall value you  
And hug you for my Consort: But till then  
Excuse my strangeness.  Salibrand. 
So, his Cause is heard.  
He must unshape himself to gain her love.  Medler. 
Sir Tristram Shorttool, have you ought to do  
In this pursuit of fancy?  Sir Tristram. 
Something Madam.  Med. 
But small to purpose: Sir Tristram you have been  
A man of Reading: and on Winter Nights  
You told me tales, for that was all you did,  
What strange adventures and what gallant acts  
Redoubted Knights did for their Lady's sakes,  
But what did you for Medler all the while?  
Did you ere toss a Pike, or brandish Blade  
For her dear sake?— Go to, I shall conceal,  
And with a modest bashful veil in-shroud  
What Sense bids me discover.— Let me Sir  
Advise you as a Friend; for other styles  
Relating to an Husband, I shall never  
Henceforth resent them; with a free comply:  
Love suits not well with your decrepit age;  
Let it be your chief care t' intend your health:  
Use caudles, Cordials, Julips, Pectorals,  
Keep your Feet warm, bind up your nape o'th' neck  
Close against chilling airs, that you may live  
An old man long:— but take especial care  
You button on your nightcap—  Morisco. 
After th' new fashion Aside.  
With his loave Ears without it.  Medler. 
This is all;  
Only your absence.  Morisco. 
So good night Sir Tristram. Aside.  Sir Reuben. 
Sweet Madam Tinder. Sir Reuben offers to kiss her.  Tinder. 
Keep your distance Sir;  
I love not to be touched.  Sir Reuben. 
Are you so hot  
My tender Tinder?  Tinder. 
No Sir; look to the Clime  
Where you inhabit; there's the Torrid Zone.  Tilly. 
Yes, there goes the hair away. Aside.  Sir Reuben. 
Can you not love?  Tinder. 
Not One that loves so many.  Sir Reuben. 
Alas pretty Peat,  Tinder. 
Pray Sir, hold off your hand;  
Truck with your low-prized Traders; I must tell you  
Mine honour's higher rated.  Sir Reuben. 
Be it so;  
I wish you would disclaim your Alimony,  
With that indifferent touch as you do Love,  
You should not need a Dispensation, Madam,  
It should be granted unpetitioned.  Tinder. 
I'm confident it would:— nor shall the coolness  
Of your affection, bring me to an ebb  
Of favour with myself: Plant where you please,  
I'll henceforth scorn to hug my own disease.  Tilly. 
So, Sir Reuben's dispatched; and like a Ranger may tappice where he likes. Aside.  Sir Reuben. 
But hark you Madam, what be these brave Blades  
That thus accouter you? are they your platonics,  
Hectors, or Champion-haxters', Pimps or Paliards;  
Or your choice Cabinet-Confidents?  Tinder. 
You may  
Exact account from them.  Sir Reuben 
No; but I will not;  
Long since drop reg've heard a Proverb made me wise,  
And armed me cap-à-pie against such accounts:  
" whosoever he be that tuggs with dirty foes,  
" He must be foiled admit he win or lose.  Tin. 
Shall I acquaint them with your Adage, Sir?  Sir Reuben. 
Do if you please.  Tinder. 
No Sir, I am too tender  
Of your endangered Honour.— Should a baffle  
Engage your fame, and I the instrument  
It would disgust me.  Sir Reuben. 
You are wondrous kind.  
But pray you tell me, is this Favourite  
Or Turn-key of your council in the rank  
Of generous Hector's? I would be resolved  
For it concerns me.  Tinder. 
Pray good Sir, as how?  Sir Reuben. 
Since 'tis my fate, I would be branched nobly  
Lest mine adulterate Line degenerate  
And raze the ancient splendour of mine House,  
As many noble Families have done  
By mixing with inferior Apple-squires,  
Grooms, Pages, Ushers, which in time begot  
Such middle Wits in this our middle Region,  
None could distinguish them from Corydons,  
Nor well discover whence they might derive  
Their prime descent, unless it were by th' Crest  
Their Footmen wore: or what their Coach presented  
In its rear quarter.— All your Sir Reuben begs  
Aims mainly at your honour's privilege,  
Which shielded I'm secure; and it is this,  
" Let choice hands meddle with your tinderbox.  Tinder. 
Make that your least of fears.— we'll keep our fame,  
Amidst this freedom, still unblemished▪  Knights. 
So, we have all received their final Answers.  Sir Reuben. 
Nor do I mean to draw up my rejoinder.  
" He who will lose his wits, or break his heart  
" For such a Wench as will not take his part:  
" And will not shun what he may safely fly,  
" May He a Bedlam or a Beggar die.  Knights. 
Farewell inconstant Ladies.  Ladies. 
Adieu constant Actaeon's.  Exeunt omnes. The Ladies ushered in by their Confidents.   

Act. 3.  

Scen. 1.  Enter two Citizens. 1. Citizen. 
IS it for certain that the Duke's voyage holds for Salamanca?  2. Citizen 
No doubt on't: his resolution is so firmly fixed, no motion can decline it. And if we may credit Fame, which seldom errs in all, though it exceed in many; never was Fleet more bravely rigged, better prepared, nor with more Military strength furnished, nor more virile spirits accompanied, nor by more expert Commanders at any time since the battle of Lepanto conducted.  1. Citizen. 
It was thought he would not personally have engaged himself in this adventure: but have deputed some experienced General for perfecting this grand design: and imposing a final period to an Action of such high consequence.  2. Citizen. 
'Tis true; but those many aggrievances, aggravated with numerous Petitions presented by our Seville Merchants, wrought such strong effects upon the sweet compassionate nature of the good Duke; as that endeared resentment, which he retained upon those merchant's relation, touching the infinitely surcharging losses which they had suffered though the hostile piracy of the Salamancans, as he made a solemn Vow to engage himself in their quarrel: and either revenge the injuries and indignities they had sustained, or seal his just desires with the sacrifice of his dearest life.  1. Citizen▪ 
Were the Merchant losses great?  2. Citizen. 
In Shipping infinite: and by Accomptants of approved trust, computed to many millions: for besides Vessels of lesser burden in one Sea-voyage being driven by contrary winds upon the Coasts of Calabria, they lost at one time ●the Panther, Libard, Bugle, Antilope, Caracts of great and formidable sail: such as would have made their party good against all Assailants, had they not been dispersed and weakened by violent tempests: Besides, the unexpected Herocane, which dashed all the endeavours of the best Pilots that all their Fleet afforded: yet reduced to this strait and sad exigent, they found no Islander so compassionate as to pity their deplorable Condition: but rather such as were ready to add fresh affliction to their late suffering, by seizing on whatsoever remained estimable in their forelorn Vessels: and exposing them without the least remonstrance of humanity or civil hospitality to the mercy of the winds. This it was which winged the Duke to this Expedition: choosing, as report goes, the Revenge for his Ship of War, and that only man of War, wherein he means to steer his course, return his errand and requite his Quarrel.  1. Citizen. 
The Duke's a Person of a gallant spirit.  2. Citizen. 
I dare affirm it Sir; that the State of Seville was never with more prowess, prudence, nor Martial Policy at any time managed; which not only his prosperous exploits abroad, than which none more successive: but likewise his vigilant care and, command at home may sufficiently manifest. For his late Declaration under his Great Seal has discovered the incomparable zeal he had of serving both Court and City: in commanding all such useless and incommodious Weeds, as trepanners Tarpaulins, with all our abusively entitled Hector's, that they should by a peremptory day depart the City and Line of Communication in relation to the Court: since which time, they have resolved for want of better supplies to hazard the remainder of their broken Fortunes upon a desperate adventure for Tunis.  1. Citizen. 
In such glorious designs levelling at honour, they declare themselves really Hector's.  Enter a Mariner. 2. Citizen. 
What news Segesto?  Mariner. 
The Duke's upon his march: and near approaching.  1. Cit. 
How quick's his Spirit to redress our wrongs!    

Act. 3.  

Scen. 2.  Trumpets and kettledrums sounding, with other Martial music usually observed in that country. Enter Duke Eugenio, Officers and soldiers; with Colours displayed. Duke. 
Thus far on our address: may prosperous gales  
Breath on our Sails: Sails on our just designs  
In vindicating of our country's fame  
Too long impaired by suffering injuries;  
Till which redressed our Honour lies at stake  
And we made Aliens to our own estate.  
March on then bravely that it may appear  
" Our Courage can revenge as well as hear.  They march over the Stage with Trumpets, Fifes, Drums and Colours. Manentibus Civibus. 1. Cit. 
This gallant resolve of the Duke pursued with such alacrity can never be sufficiently admired; and to engage his Person too in so perilous adventure—  2. Cit. 
And all this in vindication of the merchant's honour and their Interest.  1. Cit. 
Trust me, he appears bravely.  2. Cit. 
His disposition from his youth foretold What's manhood would assay— whence comes this noise?  Enter Boy. Boy. 
Room for our bravoes, Cadets; they march along in ranks and files. Their pockets grow shallow, the Taverns and Ordinaries, they vow to be Infidels, so as they have inlisted themselves soldiers of fortune.  1. Cit. 
These be those trepanners, whom the Duke has proscribed, or I mistake it.  
Let us observe their posture.    

Act. 3.  

Scen. 3.  Enter Captain, Tripanners, Terpaulins, with other runnagadoes orderly marching. And in the rear, Benhadad a Quaker. With Tobacco Pipes. 1. Tripan. 
Rouse Buckets and tubs.— hay for Tunis and Algiers.  Captain. 
Keep your ranks my Comrades, and fight valiantly.  2. Tripan. 
What else Captain, we cheated before for nothing, and now having nothing we mean to fight for something.  3. Tripan. 
'Slid Bullies, I think the Duke has done us a pleasure.  1. Tripan. 
Pray thee, how Boy?  3. Tripan. 
I'll tell thee, the short and long on't: Before, if any of us had been so valiant, as few of us were, as to borrow money on the High way, we were sometimes forced to repay it at the Gibbet: but the world is turned upside down; if we get it, we may keep it, and never answer for it.  1. Tripan. 
hay Boy, art thou in that Lock?— But noble Landprisado, let us have a Sea-Sonnet before we launch forth in our Adventure▪ frigate. They say the Sirens love singing.  Captain 
Agreed Wags: but which shall we have?  1. Tripan. 
That old Catch of Tunis and Algiers; good Captain, it suits best with our voyage.  Captain. 
To't then my Hector's▪ and keep your Close as you do your march. The Sirens will not relish you if you sing out a tune.  The Sea-Song. Capt. 

To Tunis and to Algiers boys,  
Great is our want, small be our joys;  
Let's then some voyage take in hand They join in the close.  
To get us means by Sea or Land.  
Come follow me my boys, come follow me,  
And if thou die, I'll die with thee.   

Hast thou a Wife? I have one too,  
And Children some as well as thou,  
Yet who can see his Brats to starve  
So long as he has strength to serve?  
Come follow me my cubs, come follow me,  
And if thou die, I'll die with thee.   

Methinks, my boys, I see the store He fixeth his eyes as upon Objects in a landscape.  
Of precious Gems and golden Ore;  
Arabian Silks and Sables pure  
Would make an Haggard stoop to th' lure.  
Come follow me, &c.   

No worthless mind ere honour sought,  
Let's fight as if we feared nought,  
If Bullets fly about our ears  
Let's laugh at death and banish fears,  
Come follow me, &c.   

And if thou canst not live so stench  
But thou must needs enjoy thy Wench,  
If thou my Boy such pleasure crave  
A dainty doxy thou shalt have.  
Come follow me, &c.   

Courage my Sparks, my Knights o'th' Sun,  
Let Seville fame what we have done,  
we'd better ten times fight a Foe  
Then once for all to Tyburn go.  
Come follow me, &c.   

Come let's away, mount, march away,  
This Calm portends a prosperous day,  
When we return it shall be said  
That by our voyage we are made.  
Come follow me, &c.   

But if we ne'er again return,  
Enclose our ashes in an urn,  
And with them spice a Wassal-Cup,  
And to Good Fellows drink it up.  
Come follow me, &c.   

Which Health when it is gone about  
And stoutly set their foot unto't,  
No doubt they shall enroled be  
Ith' Book of Fame as well as we.  
Come follow me spruce Sprigs, come follow me,  
And if thou fall I'll fall with thee.   Enter a Rank of Tar-paulins, pressed for the same Adventure; ☞ marching over the Stage: and joining in the Catch. An Health-Cup in the Leaders hand. Tarpaulin. 

When this Grand Health is gone about,  
Where you as sloutly stood unto't,  
Doubt not, you shall recorded be  
Ith' Book of Fame as well as we.  
March after me, &c.   

And when this Bowl shall run so round  
Your Legs can stand upon no ground,  
Fear not, Brave Blades, but you shall be  
Sworn Brothers made as well as we.  
March after me, &c.   

No other Obsequies we crave,  
Nor quaint Inscriptions on our Grave;  
A simple Shroud's a soldier's share,  
Which if He want, he needs not care:  
March after me, &c.   

Such vails are all we wish at last,  
Which if we want, the Care is past.  
This done, to think of us were just,  
Who drink not, yet as dry as dust:  
March after me, &c.   

While you act what we did before,  
Discharge with Chalk the Hoastess Score,  
And if the Hussy challenge more,  
Charm th' maundering Gossip with your ●ore.  
March after me, we'll frolic be,  
And if thou die, I'll die with thee.     

Act. 3.  

Scen. 4.  Benhadad furiously accosts them. Benhadad. 
I proclaim you all Edomites; Dragooners of Dagon; Ding-dongs of Dathan:— A generation of Vipers.—  1. Tripan. 
No, Father Benhadad, your gravity is mistaken grossly, we are rather A generation of Smoking Tobacco. Pipers.  2. Tripan. 
Go to Holy Benhadad, stand you to your Calling as we to our Arms. Thou art for converting the Great Turk, and we for lining our Pockets with Tunis gold. Where if we get our design, hold to thy Principles, but no farther than thou canst maintain them; and we shall create thee our household Chaplain.  Enter Mariner. 
To Sea, to Sea; the Winds are prosperous.  Captain. 
And may we prosper with them.— So farewell Seville and her dainty Doxes.  All. 
Run tan; hay for Tunis and Algiers.  Exeunt, Colours displayed, with Fifes and Drums. 1. Cit. 
Such was the Duke's care to remove these Weeds,  
Whose fatal growth might choke maturer Seeds.  2. Cit. 
Good Governors wise gardeners imitate,  
These cheer their Plants; those steer a planted State.  Exeunt. Trillo from the high Gallery. 
I cannot, Gentlemen, contain myself;  
— Timon thy Genius has surpassed itself;  
Thy scene is richly various:— preaze on still,  
These Galleries applaud thy comic skill.  He takes his Seat again.   

Act 3.  

Scen. 4.  Enter Constable and Watch in ●ug Gowns, Bills and Dark lanterns. Constable. 
Come along with your horns, my Lads of metal. It was the Duke's pleasure before his departure, that we should be appointed the Sinks and Sentinels of the City, and that none should have ingress, egress or regress but by our especial authority and favour.— But harm watch, harm catch; for my part since I crept into this office, I am woven into such a knot of good fellowship, as I can watch no more than a Dormouse: nay, I am verily persuaded if I hold Constable long, the Deputy of the Ward will return me one of the seven Sleepers. But let me advise you, my Birds of the Capital, that you walk not after my Example: be it your care to watch while I sleep. Many eyes are upon you; but my eyes grow heavy; my day's society bids me take a nap.  Watch. 
But one word, good Master, before you drop into your slumber: Report goes that there be Spirits that petroul familiarly in this Century; what shall we say to them, if they pass by?  Constable. 
Bid them stand.  Watch. 
But what if they either cannot or will not?  Constable. 
Let them then take themselves to their heels: and thank God you are so well rid of them.  Watch. 
One word more good Constable, and then good night.— Be these the Spirits that allure our Children with spice and trinkets to their Skippers, and so convey them to th' Barmoudes?  Constable. 
In no wise Neighbours; these Spirits come from the Low countries: and though at the first sight very frightful, yet appearing unaimed they become less fearful.  1. Watch. 
Nay, if these pretty Familiars come to our Guard naked, we shall prove hard enough for them.  2. Watch. 
Well, Neighbour Rugweed, let us not presume too far on our strength: These Spirits be a dangerous kind of Whifflers: and like our Robin Good Fellows will play their Legerdemain tricks, scudding here and there in a trice: and nimbly snap you when least suspected.    

Act. 3.  

Scen. 5.  Enter Gallerius Ghost. 
From the Cinnerian depth here am I come  
Leaving an ERRA PATER in my Tomb,  
To take a view which of my Fellows be  
The thrivingst Artists in Astronomy.  
Rank one by one in Astrologick row,  
And dying see whom thou didst living know.  He makes his Figure. 
Mount gainful CRINON, for to thee we give,  
As thou deserv'st, the sole Prerogative:  
For thy divining lines have purchased more  
Than all our prime Professors got before.  
Jason won much at Colchos, but thy gain  
Has linked thy shoulders in a Swedish Chain.  
Rich Divination! But what's knowledge worth,  
If People do not credit what's set forth?  
This was 
* 
Omnia temporibus cecinit Cassandra futuris.  
Que ventura suits— vix unquam credita Teucris. Melitus.   CASSANDRA's loss: whom we allow  
And hold a Prophetess as true as thou;  
But not so well believed:— take heed my Blade,  
Thy late Predictions cannot retrograde,  
And give thine erring Notions such a check,  
As they unlink that chain which decks thy neck.  
Signs sometimes change their influence we see,  
I wish the like Event befall not thee.  
The Golden Number and Saturnian line  
Have been propitious to thee all thy time:  
Thy says held Oracles: thy Observations  
For Death, War, Weather held by foreign Nations  
As positive maxims: yet one Critical point  
Will throw this artful fabric out a joint.  
Dog days each year affords, if thou find none,  
Thy Forune's clearer far than any One.  
Let me then caution thee divining Crinon,  
Lest thy own Bosom prove thy treacherous Sinon,  
Let not opinion make thy judgement err,  
" The evening Conquest crowns the Conqueror:  
Hope of reward or one victorious Field  
Is no firm ground for any one to build:  
" May ill success clothe him with discontent,  
That balanceth the cause by the event.  
Next him ascend ERIGONUS, whose Art  
Richly embellished with a loyal Heart  
Will not permit thy thoughts to stoop so low  
As to pretend more than thy Notions know,  
Or can attain to: Thou hast ta'en content  
With as much freedom under strait restraint.  
As Pibrack in his Paradox expressed,  
Inwardly cheered when outwardly distressed.  
I have much mused while thou conversed with us  
Of the Gradations o'th' Celestial House,  
Yet hadst none of thine own to shelter thee,  
This was an humour that transported me,  
To see a mind so large, and to discourse  
As if he had got Fortunatus' purse.  
This caused me think that we did greatly err  
In holding thee a mere ginger,  
Though't be a sacred-secret Speculation  
And highly meriting our admiration:  
But rather some rare Stoic, well content  
With his estate how ere the World went.  
Yet when I saw thine artificial Scheme  
Exactly drawn, as none of more esteem,  
I wondered much how such choice Art could want,  
Unless the whole world were grown ignorant.  
I heard of late what I did never dream  
Thy farming life had drawn thee to a Team,  
Preferring th' Culture of an Husbandman  
Before a needful Astrologian,  
Who in this thankless Age may pine and die  
Before he profit by Astronomy,  
For though I must confess an Artist can  
Contrive things better than another man,  
Yet when the task is done, He finds his pains  
Sought but to fill his belly with his brains.  
Is this the guerdon due to Liberal Arts  
T'admire the Head, and then to starve the Parts?  
Timely prevention thou discreetly used  
Before the fruits of Knowledge were abused.  
" When Learning has incurred a fearful damp,  
" To save our oil, 'tis good to quench our Lamp.  
Rest then on thy enjoyments, and receive  
What may preserve a Life, reserve a Grave.  
This with convenience may supply thy Store,  
And lodged thee with content; what wouldst thou more?  
While He who thirsts for gold and does receive it,  
Pules like a Baby when he's forced to leave it.  
For you LIBERIUS, I'd have your look  
For your improvement on your Table book;  
Where you shall find how you bore once a Name  
Both in the rank of Fortune and of Fame,  
But others rising to an higher merit  
Darkened that splendour which you did inherit,  
Or those mistakes which caused you err so far  
As your late years have proved Canicular:  
To waste more paper I would never have you,  
For I'm resolved your Book will never save you,  
Nor you from it receive a benefit,  
Suppress then, Pray thee, thy leaf-falling Wit;  
Merlin's Collections will not serve thy turn,  
Retire, retire, and slumber in mine Urn.  
Dotage has chilled thy brain, in silence sleep,  
" he's wise enough that can his Credit keep.  
For you COLUMBA and rare PEREGRINE,  
It is your fate, to nestle in a Clime  
Of disadvantage: wisdom bids you build  
Where you may dwell; and sow in such a field  
Where you may reap the harvest you have sown,  
" Arts unimproved are to no purpose shown.  
Those only may be truly said to know  
Whose Knowledge pays their country what they owe:  
And with the Bee, from labour never cease  
Till they have stored their Hives with sweet increase.  
Which thriving industry infused by nature  
In such a small Political a Creature,  
Might by a Native Modul render thee  
Conducts of Science in Astrology:  

〈…〉 ape's.  For she accounts it as a fruitless toil  
To browse on Suckets in a barren soil.  
For you ALATUS, mount with airy wing,  
And to your scattered Nest some feathers bring:  
Though popular esteem afford delight,  
It cannot satisfy the appetite.  
Fame is a painted meat and cannot feed,  
Nor sat the stomach when it stands in need.  
This was mine own condition;— while I lived  
I to the highest pitch of Fame arrived;  
All the Rialto founded with my praise,  
Yet silence shrouded this within few days,  
For after some few Funeral tears were shed,  
My memory died, before tears went to bed.  
Yea, in my life time, when my state grew low,  
My fame found none she would conduct me to:  
And let this caution thee:- though thou swell great  
In men's conceit this will not get thee meat:  
" The only means to raise friends, fame and store  
" Is to make Industry thy Providore.  
For ATRO-LUCUS, SERANDS they be such  
I would not touch them, lest I should too much  
Impeach their branded fames: one word for all,  
As their disgrace is great, their knowledge small:  
Let these Daemonicks practise less in Black  
It will discolour all their almanac.  
But this was not my Errand: I would know  
How Ladies with their Husband suit Below!  
Those frolic girls I mean, and of none else,  
Who were induced by mine and Crinons' Spells  
To choose strange bedfellows:— Pray Mephistophilus appears and resolves him. tell me how,  
Dear Mephistophilus; those wantoness do.  Meph. 
All out of joint: they've left their husband's bed.  Gallerius. 
By this it seems they were not rightly wed;  
There was no justice in't: for if there had,  
Should they break loose, they would be judged mad.  
— But now mine hour approacheth, I must pass  
Down to that vault where late I lodged was.  
Fix Mephistophilus this on that Gate,  
That those who knew me may collect my Fate.  Mephistophilus having fixed this Inscription on the Portal of the Gate, they descend. 

Inscription.  
The ASTRONOMICAL ANATOMY in a shadowed physiognomy; recommended to Posterity. Dissected and presented in the Empyrical Ghost of D. NICHOLAS GALLERIUS.  
— Facilis descensus Averni.   Enter Watch distraughtedly letting fall their lanterns. Watch. 
Spirits, Spirits, Spirits.  Enter Constable rubbing his eyes. Constable. 
Where, where, where?  Watch. 
Here, there, and everywhere.  
Now in the porter's Lodge, then in the air.—  Constable. 
A foutra for such ranging Mawkins.— I'll tell you fellow Officers, for I have been since my weining sufficiently schooled in the Office of a Constable; that we have no Legislative power( do you mark me) to commit any Person be he never so notorious a Delinquent, if he fly, or as our Falconers say, mount up into th' air; we are not bound to follow him, neither to attach nor commit him; and why says the Law? because it is not in our power to catch him. But if he strut in the street, you may command him to come before me the Constable, as I am the Representave Body of the Duke; or before yourselves, being the Representave Body of your Constable: and if the Person so taken remain under safe Custody, and he fly, if you overtake him by speed of foot, or by help of the Belmans' mongrel, you may by the Law of Arms lay him by th' Heels.  And so dismiss the Watch. Exeunt.   

Act. 3.  

Scen. 6.  Enter Sir Amadin Puny, Sir Jasper Simpleton, Sir Arthur Heartless, Sir Gregory Shapeless, Sir Tristram Shorttool, Sir Reuben Scattergood. Sir Reub. 
Doubt nothing, my fellow-Knights of Hornsey; the Plot is so neatly and nimbly laid, as it cannot but hold stitch.  All. 
But be the Favourites Suits got, Sir Reuben?  Sir Reuben. 
They are brought to our Lodgings already. To try a Conclusion, I have most fortunately made their Pages our coys by the influence of a white Powder; which has wrought so powerfully on their tender pulse, as they have engaged themselves ours back and edge.— Sunt munera vinc●●n s●●vis.  Sir Tristram. 
'Tis true; but how shall we pursue this Project; that we may act to purpose, what your Ingenuity has contrived?  Sir Reuben. 
Leave that to me; be it your care to follow my direction, and if I make not these Haxters' as hateful to our Hossies, as ever they were to us who were their Husbands; set me up for a Jack-a-Lent, or a Shrove-Cock for every Boy to throw at. The Net is spread, and if they scape the nouze, they must have more eyes than their own to discover it.  Sir Amadin. 
Excellent, excellent; I long till I be at work.  Sir Reuben. 
It will admit no delay, Sir Amadin, I assure you. We have not over-watcht this night to no purpose: this very morning by times we must be fitted with our Properties: and with a scornful neglect pass by that Rendezvouz, where our gamesome Ladies expect their youthful platonics.  Sir Gregory. 
Revenge to me's far sweeter than to live.  All. 
Too't, too't, for loves sake let us too't.  Sir Reuben. 
The Plot is laid with such industrious skill,  
If this take not, I do not know what will.  Exeunt.   

Act. 4.  

Scen. 1.  Enter Madam Fricase, Madam caviar, Madam Julippe, Madam Joculette, Madam Medler, Madam Tinder. Madam Fricase. 
HOw tedious morns these be in our expectance  
Of what we tender most?  Caveare. 
Credit me Madam,  
My Marriage day from th' rising Sun to Night  
Seemed not so long, though it was long enough,  
As the slow-running course of this morn's visit.  Julippe. 
Desires cannot endure protractive hours,  
The Poet has confirmed our thoughts in this,  
Placing our Action far below our Wish:  
" Sooner quenched is Loves fire  
" With fruition than desire.  Joculette. 
That Poet surely was neither Mantuan, Lucian, nor Claudian.  Medler. 
No Sister; nor Alcaeus, Eubaeus, nor Apuleius; but some cold-Cucumber spirited Zonocrates, who never knew actually how to hug his Mistress.  Tinder. 
This is the hour and place.  Fricase. 
It is so; and no doubt but our feathered favourites have over flown us.    

Act. 4.  

Scen. 2.  Enter Vintress and Drawers. Vintress. 
What do you lack my Princely Beauties?  Caveare. 
What your Sex cannot furnish us with; my dainty Dabrides.  
Did you entertain no Gallants lately?  Vintress. 
Not any, Madam; but Gallants are men of their words; they will stand to their tackling upon occasion: will you be pleased Noble Ladies in their absence, to bestow yourselves in a room: or to procreate yourselves, take a turn in the Garden?  Medler. 
'Slid does she hold us for Andalisian Studs, that can breed by the air, or procreate of ourselves?  Fricase. 
Well, her meaning is good; we will accept her offer: and take a walk or a cheerful repose at our pleasure: and in it let each of us for want of more real Objects, entertain an imaginary apprehension of their absent Lover.  Knocking within. Drawer. 
Anon, Anon Sir;— quick, quick as Erebus, good Jeremy.— ud's so, what a clattering they make? I verily think our old Titere Tews and Bugle blues are come to Town, they keep such a damnable quarter.  2. Drawer. 
They knock as they were mad men in the portcullis;— quick, quick, more Attendants in the Unicorn.— There goes none to the Anwarp. The Lion and the Roebuck have not one Drawer to attend them.— Who goes into the Lady's Garden?  1. Drawer. 
We shall have a brave Term, if we stir not our stumps better, Exeunt.  Iulip. 
Th' Elyzian Groves so richly beautified,  
Decked with the tufted verdure; watered  
With crystal Rills, and clothed above conceit  
In native Diapry: may Emblems be  
Of this delicious Platform, where each sense  
May sat its quest with sweet satiety.  Iocul. 
And th'edifying sense with melody. Voices of nightingales  
Hark how that evening choir of nightingales  
Warble with shrillest notes, pricks at their breasts,  
Tereus incestuous Crime; as if't had been Dum Philomela canit, spinam sub pectore figit; Crimen ut incestus se meminisse dolet.  
A fact inexpiable: wherein we doubt  
What we should do if were put unto't.  
This is a Garden sure of great frequent.  Caveare. 
Lucullus nor the Roman Argentine  
Had ne'er the like: nor with completer beauties  
More gracefully embellished: it might be  
Styled the Spring Garden for variety  
Of all delights: Balls, Treats, and choice Invites  
Addressed for amorous parlance: and indeed  
To make the Bargain up:— you know my meaning,  Fricase. 
Thou art a dangerous Beagle.— What say you Ladies.  
In this perpetual springlike sweet retire  
To gratify her curtsy and conduct  
Who tendered these respects, let's have a frolic;  
A Jovial frolic till th' platonics come.  
Whom we must chide, and with some discontent  
Tax for their slowness.  All. 
The motion's wondrous good,  
We all assent to't.  Joculette. 
But in this assent  
Scatter such freedom as it may appear  
Our Fortunes be our own: and that no eye  
Of jealousy or parsimonious thrift  
Can bound our humour.— let's call up the They ring the Bell. Drawer.  Enter Drawer. 
Your pleasures Madams.  All. 
What hast within Boy?  Drawer. 
Cakes, Creams, stewed Prunes, Olivets, Tongues, Tarts, and—  Caveare. 
What else, you Jack of all Trades! Doth your Mistress take us, you nitty napry Rascal, for her Bordella's blice?  

Bring us here Pistachie Nuts,  
Strengthening Oringo Roots,  
Quince, Peach, and preserved Apricock  
With the Stones pendant to't▪  
With such incentive and salacious Cates,  
As quicken hours, and sharpen appetite.   Drawer. 
You shall, you shall Madam;— On my life these be the Ladies of the New Dress; they'll never be satisfied.  Exit. Caveare. 
Let us imagine ourselves now to be planted in the asparagus Garden; where if we want any thing, it is our own fault. A fair Alimony needs no pawn; it will discharge a Tavern Bill at any time.    

Act. 4.  

Scen. 3.  Enter again the Vintress and Drawer with Wine and Fruit. Vintress. 
How is it Noble Ladies?— Your Honours shall want no rarities that our storehouse may afford you.  Caveare. 
A Glass of Muscadella for me. Here Madam Fricase, to Mounsieur Flore●●o.  Fricase. 
This curtsy Madam, must not beget in you a forgetfulness of Caranto.  Caveare. 
So nearly he's embosom, you need not fear it.  Julippe. 
Nectarella for me▪ here princely Joculette to your Salibrand.  Joculette. 
Mean time remember loyal Palisado.  Julippe. 
No Individual can be well forgot.  Medler. 
Medaa shall be mine.— This Madam Tinder to your Tilly valley.  Tinder. 
First to your own Morisco▪— So this Health's gone round.  Fricase. 
Now when our throats are clear, let's join together  
In some choice Musical Air.  All. 
Agreed, agreed;  
What shall we have?  Fricase. 
What may enliven love,  
And feather fancy with Icarian Wings.  All. 
We must be mounting then.— Your Subject, Madam.  Fricase. 
Le Drollere Amaranto.  All. 
Dainty Airs.  
And lines to suit them:— We shall follow you.  

Song in various Airs.  

What shall we poor Ladies do,  
Matched to Shallops without brains,  
Whose Demains are in grains,  
And their wits in madding veins,  
Stored with Neapolitan Mains?  
Give us sprightly Sprigs of Manhood,  
None of these Swads nor airy Squibs,  
Who would fain do but cannot.   

Poor Ladies how we dwindle! They alter the air upon the close of every Stanza.  
Who can spin without a Spindle?  
Valour never learned to tremble,  
But in Cupid's dalliance nimble.  
Little good does that stud with a Stallion,  
Fancies Alien, weakly jointed,  
Meanly manned, worse appointed,  
Who would do if he knew how,  
But alas he would but cannot.   

Penelope though she were chaste,  
Yet she bade her Spouse make haste,  
Lest by his sojourning long,  
She might chance to change her Song,  
And do her Ulysses wrong;  
What then may we who matched be  
With these Haggards madly manned,  
Who would gladly do but cannot?   

Shall our youthful hopes decline;  
Fade and perish in their Prime:  
And like forced Andromeda  
Estranged from Fancies Law!  
Shall we Wives and Widows be,  
Bound unto a Barren Tree?   

Ushers come and Aple-Squires  
To complete our free desires:  
Platonics there be store  
Fitly framed and trained to man it.  
Bavin once set a fire  
Will not so soon expire;  
Let's never stay with such as they,  
Who gladly would but cannot.   

Shall we love, live and feel no heat  
While our active Pulses beat?  
Shall we hug none of our own,  
But such as drop from th' Frigid Zone?  
Let's rather bid old Love adieu,  
And i'th' Requests suit for some New  
Who have the heart to man it:  
Tell us not this nor tell us that,  
A Kid is better than a Cat,  
And though he show we know not what,  
He cannot.    Fricase. 
As I'm a Virgin, Ladies, bravely performed;  
Once more Frontineack, and then a Walk.  She drinks. 
This Wine wants Flavour, Sapor, Odour, Vigour;  
Taste it, dear Madam, 'tis as palls and flat  
As a seer Fly-fl●p.  Drawer. 
Our last years Vintage, Madam, was but small.  Caveare. 
It seems so by your measure: this would never  
Quicken the Spirit, nor inflame the Blood.  One of the Ladies looking out, discovers their deserted Knights attired like their favourites: with their Cloaks over their faces. Lady. 
They come, they come, they come.  All. 
Let's entertain them with a joint neglect.    

Act. 4.  

Scen. 4.  As their Husbands pass along, they take occasion of discourse one with another. Knights. 
Let us pass by them with regardless scorn.  Sir Reub. 
Pox on these overacting Prostitutes, They interchange these Expresses as they pass by their Lady's room.  
They sat mine appetite.  Sir Tristram. 
Fancy so fed  
Begets a Surfeit ere it gets to bed.  Sir Gregory. 
B're I Platonic turn or Confident,  
Or an officious Servant to a Puss  
Whose honour lies at stake, let me become  
A scorn to my relations.  Sir Arthur. 
Or when I  
Engage my person, like a professed bolt,  
To vindicate a Mistress, who for sale  
Would set her Soul at hazard; may my Grave  
Be in the Kennel: and the scavenger  
The penman of my Epitaph.  Sir Jasper. 
Or I  
Embrace a Monkey for a mass of treasure.  Sir Amad. 
May never down seize on this dounless chin,  
When I become an Usher to her sin.  Sir Reuben. 
So; let them chaw of this:— our scene is done,  
Wee● leave the rest to their digestion:  
— We must return those Adamits their clothes  
To make their visits in, or they're lost men;  
But it were strange should they recruit again. Exeunt.    

Act. 4.  

Scen. 5.  Fricase. 
How is it Ladies?  Caveare. 
Sure, wee'● in a dream,  
Whence comes this strangeness?  Julippe. 
From the too much freedom  
Of our affection: had we kept them still  
At a discreeter distance, we had played  
The wiser falconers: and caused them stoup  
Unto our Lure with eager appetite.  
Fruits offered are least valued; got by stealth  
Or by surprise, they're precious.  Joculette. 
Shall we sleep  
With this affront?  Medler. 
Our Spirits were remiss  
Should we not pay them home in their own Coin.  Tinder. 
Let Tinder lose her Name, her Family,  
And Alimony which she values most.  
If Tilly suffer not for this disgrace.  All. 
We vow the like: revenge may be excused,  
" For Love resolves to Hate when 'tis abused. Exeunt. All.    

Act. 4.  

Scen. 6.  The Favourites appear to their half bodies in their Shirts, in rooms above. Florello. 
Why; you whoreson Rogue; where's my suit?  
— As I hope for mercy, I am half persuaded, that this sliphalter has pawned my clothes.  Caranto. 
Nay; as our rooms be near, our fates are all alike.  
If my visit be admitted, I must present it naked.  Joculette, 
When she sees her Salibrand so unmodiously accoutred, she will jeer him out of his Periwig, and render him an Adamite Cap a Pe.  Palisado. 
Never were Servants without a Dress, less suitable to Ladies of the New dress.  Salibrand. 
We shall be held for Sale-men, or Knights of the White Livery, if we encounter them thus habited.  Morisco. 
Nay rather for Knights o'th' post; who had forfeited their broaked Suits for want of swearing.  Tilly. 
Nay, for Tumblers, Truckers, or Sculler-men: Plato in all his Commonweal had never such naked followers. Their Pages bring their Clothes.  Florello. 
Now, you hemp-strings, had you no time to nim us, but when we were upon our visits?  Pages. 
Your Suits, Sir, were not without employment.  
They were seam-rent, and stood in need of stitching.  All. 
Go to Rogues, you will never hang well together, till you be stitched in an halter.  Pages. 
Well, we got more clear gains by this shift, than you will by your visit. Aside.  Caran. 
We trench too much upon these Lady's patience:  
Better too late than never; let us haste  
To crown their longing hopes with our attendance.  
Delays in visits quicken our desires,  
And in their Objects kindle secret fires.  They come down buttoning themselves. 

Fastus in Antidotum frigoris, processit & urget  
Insolitos motus, lepidaeque Cupidinis astus,  
Vestibus amictus laceratis, alget & ardet.  Solin.  Flor. 
'Tis high Meridian ay we've lost the time  
Of our appointed treatment.  Caranto. 
Let's contrive  
Some neat evasion covertly disguised  
To bear the face of truth.  Salibrand. 
It would do well,  
Let's mould it as we go unto the Garden.  Moris. 
'Twere vain to call; they're long ere this dismissed.  Palisado. 
And with incensed spirits; which t' allay  
Were a Receipt worth purchase.  Tilly. 
Th' wound's so green  
It must admit a Cure: Our confidence  
Prepares us best admittance:— go along.    

Act. 4.  

Scen. 7.  Enter the Alimony Ladies at the other door. Florello. 
How opportunely doth this season meet  
To give us freedom in our intercourse!  Morisco. 
There is a secret influence, no doubt,  
Designed to second us in our desires.  They go towards their Ladies. Florello. 
Madam.  Fricase. 
We were Mad dames indeed, should we give freedom to such injurious Favourites.  Caranto. 
This is stormy language; I ever thought our late neglect would nettle them.  Fricase. 
You can affront us, Sir, and with your wit  
Take a deep draught of Lethe and forget.  Florello. 
Forget● 'slid I did ne'er affront you.  Fricase. 
No;  
Nor with a scrude contemptuous look pass by us  
When we were at our Treat: and with a scorn  
Not only slight us, but impeach our fame.  Florello. 
I call the heaven's to witness, never I.  Fricase. 
Perfidious Wretch, this did I hear and see,  
And such Records cannot deluded be.  
Your Words, Sir are registered.  Florello. 
Pray, let's hear them.  Fricase. 
You begun first with what your ulcerous flesh,  
If I be not deceived, infected is.  The Favourites, as they appeared to their half bodies in the preceding scene; so the deserted Knight become spectators of those public affronts done them by their Ladies, only presenting themselves, and so withdrawing. Husbands. 
Ha hah hah— How neatly be these Widgeons catcht in their own springs!  Trillo from the Gallery. 
Bravely continued, Timon, as I live  
Each subtle strain deserves a Laurel sprig.  Fricase. 
" Pox on these overacting Prostitutes  
" They sat mine appetite.  Caranto. 
What might I say  
That should disrelish Madam caviar?  Caveare. 
You rant it bravely Sir;" Fancy so fed  
" Begets a surfeit ere it gets to Bed.  Julippe. 
You Palisado stand more resolute;  
" Ere I Platonic turn or Confident,  
" Or an officious Servant to a Puss  
" Whose honour lies at stake, let me become  
" A scorn to my relations.  Joculette. 
" Or when I,  
( Thus I deblazon you, base Salibrand)  
" engage my Person, like a professed bolt,  
" Would set her Soul at hazard, may my Grave  
" Be in the Kennel: and the Scavenger  
" The penman of my Epitaph.  Medler, 
" Or I,  
( Thus you renounce your meddler, Don Morisco)  
" Embrace a Monkey for a mass of treasure.  Tinder. 
Nor would Sir Tilly be one hair behind  
In scornful dereliction of our sex.  
" May never down seize on his dounless Chin  
" When He becomes an Usher to our sin.  Florel. 
The Devil's a Witch, and haste impostured them.  All. 
Platon. Do you believe all this?  Ladies. 
As we do you  
Stains to true love and all society.  
Henceforth observe your distance as you tender  
Fame, Freedom, Life:— else we do vow Revenge  
Shall dog you at the heels. Exeunt.  Florello. 
So, we are lost;  
We must go cast about for some New airy,  
For these be fledged and flown.  Caranto. 
By this prevention  
I'll hate a Mistress of such rare invention.  Palis. 
It seems their Spleans for picking quarrels sought,  
In pressing what we neither spoke nor thought. Exeunt.    

Act. 4.  

Scen. 8.  Enter two Seville Merchants. 1. Merchant. 
Our Duke Eugenio is safe returned  
Loaden with Trophies, Spoils and Victories.  2. Mer. 
Those Hectors too who launched forth for Tunis▪  
Have shown their valour: and enriched their Fortunes  
Which languished in despair before this voyage  
Above expectance: rich Rix dollars are  
Sown like Pactolus' sand: their pockets crammed  
With Indian Ore.  1. Merchant. 
What will not prowess do  
Where hope of honour, promise of reward,  
Or country's fame, th'attractiv'st lure of all,  
Give spirit to men's actions?  2. Merchant. 
This appears  
Instanced in them to life: for by their hazard  
Successfully completed, foreign Sails  
Ne'er came so richly fraughted.  1. Merchant. 
It were well  
The rest of our stout Myrmidons, whose Courage  
Stands for the Wall, or in a Tavern quarrel,  
Or an Highways surprise; to raise a stock  
To feed their debauched visits, were so employed:  
It would secure our Commerce.  2. Merchant. 
This good Duke  
Will regulate no doubt, his State-affairs  
With that Composure, as no fruitless weed  
Shall promise to itself long nourishment  
Within the Coast of Seville.— What means this?  A noise of Clarions, Surdons, Fifes, Plausulets within. Messenger. 
The Duke's approaching in triumphant state:  Herald. 
Make clear the way, room for his Excellence.  
Never did Seville show more like herself,  
Nor beautified with a more graceful presence  
Since her foundation.    

Actus quintus.  

Scena prima.  Enter Duke; Trumpets and Drums sounding: Colours victoriously displayed: Field-Officers with soldiers martially ordered in rank and file. Herald. 
WHat a Majesty  
Without all servile affectation  
His personating presence clothed with state  
And Princely posture seems to represent!  All. 
Conquest and Affability contend  
Which to his countenance may pretend most right.  
His Spirit's too evenly poised to be transported  
With the success of Fortune.— Let us hear him.  Duke. 
Safely arrived, thanks to the powers above,  
Here are we come: our Enemies subdued,  
Our wrongs redressed, our Merchants satisfied▪  
No foreign force t' oppose us: thus has time  
Crowned our addresses with triumphant palms,  
And by just War begot a thankful Peace.  All. 
Long live Eugenio Sivils governor.  Duke. 
Our constant care shall gratify your love.  
Mean time, let these brave soldiers sharers be  
In our success: whom you and we're to hold  
Such joint Assistants in our Victories  
As their redoubted prowess merits fame,  
And competent rewards to recompense  
Their noble Service: For believe it friends,  
Never were hazards better seconded,  
Nor by their valour to a period  
Sooner reduced; so prosperous was our fight  
In darkening those who took away our light.  
And having now composed these broils abroad,  
We're to look homeward, and redress those wrongs  
Which nestle in the Bosom of our State,  
So much more dangerous because Connivance  
Has wrought them into Habits: These, we fear,  
Pretend a privilege, because the face  
Of Greatness gives them countenance: but our Laws  
Must be no spiderwebs to take small flies,  
And let the great ones escape:— we have resolved  
" Greatness shall be no subterfuge to gild.  
This must we act with speed and closely too;  
For Secrecy winged with Celerity  
Be the two Wheels which manage Moral States  
And Martial actions: after short repose  
These we'll chastise: and by a due survey  
As just Complaints shall be exhibited,  
Measure our Censure to the peccants' Crime.  
Nor must we spin out time: we have designed  
Our very next day for Aggrievances  
Of Court and City; where our absence might  
Admit, perchance, more freedom to offend.  
" The only way to salve a deep disease  
" Is to give what may cure, not what may please.  
Wherein delays prove worst:" Artists apply  
" Receipts, before distempers grow too high.  Exit Tubis & Tympanis sonantibus; conspicuo Aulico●um & Stratiotum coetu comitante. All. 
Under such Guardians may we live and die.  Exeunt Plebei.   

Act. 5.  

Scen. 2.  Enter a Regiment of trepanners and Tar-paulins, with Drum and Colours: gallantly marching in their victorious Return and prosperous success from Tunis. 1. Offic. 
Sa, sa.  2. Offic. 
Run, tan.  3. Offic. 
Tara-tantara— thus far from the Isle of Canary. Is not this better my boys, than Trapanning an old D●olling friar for a sequestered Bond?— hay boys, here be those Indian rats, that cant and chirp in my Pocket; as if after a long Apprenticeship, they He shakes his Pocket. sought to be made Freemen. But I must not yet enlarge them.  2. Offic. 
O ●e pitiful Simpletons, who spend your days in throwing Cudgels at J●ck a Lents or Shrove-Cocks.  3. Offic. 
Nay, in making Gooselings in Embers: and starting as if they were Planet-struck at the weak report of a potgun.  1. Offic. 
My wish shall be for all that Puny-pen feathered airy of buzardism and Stanielry:  
" That such as They who love to stay to suck their mammies' teat,  
" May live at home, but ne'er find one to give them clothes or Meat.  Lansprade. 
Come along Wags, let's in a frolic way march to our old Friends in new Suits: and reserve a scrude look for a three penny Ordinary.  2. Offic. 
Along, along▪— But utter not too much language, honest pockets; till a Question be asked you.  He shakes his Pocket. All. 
hay for a Fee-Farm Rent in Tunis!  Exeunt capering.   

Act. 5.  

Scen. 3.  Enter two country Boors. Husband. 
Content thee, content thee Christobel—  Wife. 
Yes surely, that's a trim word: but when trow you, had I it? As I am an honest woman, I have been this Goodman Fumblers wife so many years, and he never yet gave me content. 'Tis such a dry Pilchart, he deserves nothing more than basting.  Husb. 
Fie, Christobel, fie; for shame hold thy tratles: is it my fault, if thou be barren?  Wife. 
Barren, you Codshead! Lies the fault there you Island cur: nay, all the Parish will witness for me, that I was not barren before I met with you.— Barren Stich●l! that shall not serve thy turn.— In plain terms Josalin, since Thou cannot content me one way, thou shalt another.  Husband. 
What would my Duck have?  Wife. 
What, my Drake, the Law will give me.  Husband. 
Law!  Wife. 
Yes you vizard; I have already fed a glib-tongued parrot with a Coif on his head, that will trounce you.  Husband. 
What have I done, my Malmsey?  Wife. 
Nay, your doing nothing, you Dumplin, has brought you into this pickle: The short and the long on't is this, I will have alemony.  Husband. 
Alimony! what means my Chicken by that?  Wife. 
I have been neither so long nor ill taught by my Betters, but I know the meaning of alimony well enough. My Landslady Joculette, God bless her, is matched to as handsome a frolic youngster as one can see on a summer's day: yet she dislikes him, and has recovered a good stock of alimony. I love to follow the example of my betters: Set your heart at rest Josalin, I must and will have alimony.  Husband. 
Thou shalt have any thing my coney Cristobel, so thou wilt rest contented.  Wife. 
Nay Husband, you know well, that I am forced many nights to go to rest weakly contented. But if I chance to trudge to Court; I mean to lie all open; you shall hear I intend not to lay leaves on my wounds: The Duke, I hear, is a merciful man; and will not suffer any of his poor Subjects to fall short of their due.  Husband. 
Well, girl, thou shalt find me ready to appear before his Grace, at any time.  Wife. 
You'll have a gracious bargain on't then doubtless.— Trust me Josalin, you will distemper all our Ladies at Court, if you push at the Gate with your Ramhorns.  Husband. 
She's possessed, sure.  Wife. 
No, not yet; but I mean shortly to be possessed of my alimony; you shall play no more the sharking foist with me, you fumbling fiddler you.— I hope I have friends at Court, that will take Course that I may have my whole due; and then foutra for Josalin. Exit.  Husband. 
Well, the thought is ta'en; I see one must thank God for a shrew as well as for a Sheep: though the Sheep have more wool on his back, and affords a more savoury repast at the board. Hanging and Wedding go by Destiny: and I hold the former to be the happier destiny of the twain: yet He that will practise the art of swinging in a Halter, either to please or cross a shrews humour, let him hang like a Puppy without hope of pity: and die intestate to make his Wife heir on't: till some nimble Younker become his successor, and stumbling on his Grave, laugh at the Cuckoldly Slave.  Exit.   

Act. 5.  

Scen. 4.  Enter the cashiered Confidents in a discontented posture. Florello. 
Summoned to appear! for what?— What have we done!  Caranto. 
Incensed those humorous scornful Ladies.  
Thence rose the ground, I durst wager my beaver on'c:  
They ought us a spite, and their Information has done't.  Palisado. 
This falls pat on their resolves: for those disdainful Wenches in the heat of their Passion, vowed jointly that Revenge should kick up our heels.  Salibrand. 
Our heels are not so short, though theirs be. Should they pursue this Information, it would dart highly on their dishonour.  Morisco. 
Honour! what may that be in this age but an airy Title? These Bonarobas have not lost the art of ingratiating nor deluding their Servants. There be Chimneys enough at Court to convey their smoke. Beauty and Confidence keep strong Sentinels in Loves Army.  
They cannot want solicitors in a place of Liberty.  Tilly. 
Let them hold to't: Their Complaints are but squibs in the air. Such Whifflers are below my scorn, and beneath my spite.  

Let's bravely on: I should account his fate  
The worst of ills, that's foiled by woman's hate.   Florello. 
Yet 'twas Alcides heavy fate, and He  
Was stronger far than twenty such as we. Exeunt.    

Act. 5.  

Scen. 5.  Enter the Alimony Ladies. Fricase. 
Conveen'd to Court! some Mask, or princely  
Ball, I'll gauge mine honour on't. We must be employed, sisters.  Caveare. 
And usefully too I hope.  Julippe. 
I see well the Court can do nothing without our City Revellers.  
Trust me I am with child till I get to't: but my desires are enlivened for a sight of my Lord especially.  Joculette. 
Or your special Lord Madam. We smell your meaning. As I am virtuous, he deserves your smile or whatsoever may most endear him. I have known none at any time court Love with a more graceful nor accurate presence. He can be both seriously amorous: and amorously serious.  Medler. 
Surely, Lady Joculette; you set him at a rate far above th' Market: you value him not as if you meant to sell.  Joculette. 
No, nor buy neither: I have no property in such a rich pennyworth. For if I had, I should wish—  Medler. 
I know what Madam.  Joculette. 
Good now, thy conceit  Medler. 
Shall I freely unbosom me?  All. 
Pray thee, Madam, do Madam▪  Medler. 
You would wish that his puny Baker● legs had more Essex growth in them; for else they would make ill butcher's ware.  Iocul●tte. 
Thou art a shrude Wench, trust me.  Tinder. 
Well Ladies, I know a new minted Lord, that can act the Spanish Don, with a peakt beard and a starched look to an hair.  Fricase. 
O Madam Tinder, I guess where you are: but he wants a little of your spirit: He can cringe and caress better than he dare fight: A Lady's honour might perish under such a feverish Champion.  Caranto. 
For loves sake, let's make haste▪ Nothing will be done, till we come.  Enter Cristobel with a Crutch. Cristobel. 
Good Madam landlady, take lame Cristobel, along with you;  
She means to have about for her alimony.  Joculette. 
We shall not want then for handsome Attendance. Exeunt.    

Act. 5.  

Scen. 6  Enter Gentleman Vsher. 
Give way,— make present way for his Excellence and his Consuls.  Enter Duke Eugenio and his Consuls. After them the deserted Knights; the Platonic Confidents; the Alimony Ladies; the Tunis ingagers. Duke. 
As we have viewed and cleared our foreign coasts,  
we're now to prune those wild luxurious sprays  
Which give impede unto this spreading Vine,  
Our flowery Sivel; whose succeeding Fame  
Acquired by Civil Discipline exacts  
Our care and yours, grave counsellors of State.  
'Tis not enough with Balms to close the skin  
And leave the wound t'exulcerate within;  
For He, whose care's to cure the Core without  
And searcheth not the bottom, spoils the Root.  
Let's first then look on Vices which put on  
The face of virtue; and where modesty  
( Merely dissembled) clothed with taking Beauty  
Arms itself strongly against all Opposition:  
Nay, what retains ofttimes such influence  
On reverend Scarlet, as it darks the light  
Of Judgement; and makes Elders fix their eyes  
On rare-light Objects, which so strangely takes  
As they make Judges vices Advocates:  
But here's none such, I hope: Our State is free,  
And so our Patriots and State-Consuls be.  
Complaints inform us, and we wondered much  
At th'first perusal, how a Feminine Nature  
So sweetly pleasing, should be so depraved.  Fricase. 
What means the Duke?  Caranto. 
I relish not th' discourse.  Duke. 
Have we not here some Ladies o'th' New-dress,  
So newly styled and in their Honour soiled,  
Who have deserted whom they ought to love?  Ladies. 
Is this the Court-Mask, and the Ball we looked for? Aside.  Duke. 
Be you those Ladies?  Cristobel. 
I am one of them forsooth.  Ladies. 
We are the same, so like your Excellence,  
And now redressed.  Duke. 
We understand no less;  
Your Alimonies signed by our Court!  Cristobel. 
They have not signed mine, if't please your Dukeship.  
Truly I am a very impudent lame Woman: and my Husband a feeble weak-doing man, your Grace must needs grant me alimony.  Duke. 
See what Examples, Ladies, you have given  
To simple Women!— I shall here propose  
Two tenders to your choice: either receive  
( And with a Conjugal Indeerment too)  
Your late deserted Husbands, or prepare  
Th' Remainder of your days to entertain  
A strict monastic life: your Sentence's past,  
Choose which you please.  Joculette. 
I never shall endure  
A clostered life unless I had a friar; Sir Gregory Shapeless shall be my Platonic.  Medler. 
Rather than none, I'll take Sir Tristram Shorttool.  Julippe. 
I for Sir Arthur Heartless.  Caveare. 
I must put on my nightgown for Sir Jasper Simpleton.  Fricase. 
Sir Amadin Pu●y then must be my joy,  
Who will be still, I think, a Puny Boy.  Imatr. 
Well, since we are to this condition grown,  
'Tis better far to use our own than none.  
While I of youthful Favourites bereft  
Will live with Scattergood, if ought be left.  Sir Reuben. 
Nay, Madam, but it were not amiss if you knew first, whether Scattergood will live with you or no. Release your Alimony, and I'll resign my right in your propriety: and in my widowed life mourn in sack— lo infinitely.  Duke. 
This juncto must be fixed on firmer grounds,  
Coolness of Fancy acts not on the Object,  
Which it pretends to love:— join hearts to hands,  
And in this second Contract reunite  
What was so long divided: Love's a Cement  
Admits no other alloy but itself  
To work upon th' aff●ections:— be it yours,  
( For virile spirits should be so demeaned,)  
With pleasing candour to remit what's past,  
And with mild glosses to interpret thus  
In their defence still to the better sense:  
" Their frailties in your Ladies wrought these failings,  
" Which pious pity should commiserate  
" And seal it with Indulgence: Then intend  
" Your Office, Madams: which is to redeem  
" Your late-abused time: which may be deemed  
" Richly recovered being once redeemed.  Ladies. 
May all our actions close with discontent,  
When we oppose their humours.  Knights. 
Say and hold; They salute & take hands.  
And this Act of Oblivion shall be signed.  Duke. 
This does content us highly: Powers above  
Makes lover's breach renual of their love.  Cristobel. 
And must Cristobel too pack home to her  
Husband without her alimony?  Duke. 
Or to thy death an aged Prioress.  Cristobel. 
Nay, but by your good favour, I'll meddle with none of your Priorities; I'll rather go mumble a crust at home: and chuck my old Josalin.  Duke. 
Nor is this all; our sentence must extend  
Unto those Lady's favourites; whose hours  
Strangely debauched, made spoil of women's honours.  Ladies. 
We hate them worse than Hell.  Favourites. 
Good your Grace; we are reclaimed.  Duke. 
That's but an airy Note.  
When Practical, we'll hold it Cordial.  
Mean time we do adjudge you to the Quarries;  
Where you shall toil till a relation give  
Test of your reformation:— Look on those  
Tunis-ingagers, who were timely drawn  
From their Trapanning Course: and by their hazard  
Secured through valour, raised their ruined Fortunes  
Above Expectance: when your work is done,  
We shall find like Adventurers for your spirits  
To grapple with, and rear your blanched repute.  
Leave interceding, for we are resolved.  
Now Conscript Consuls, whose direction gives  
Life to our Laws: we cannot choose but wonder  
How your impartial judgements should submit,  
As if they had been biased, to grant  
These Alimonies to their loose demands.  
Sure such Decrees would not have relished well  
Your jealous palates, had you so been used.  
" Wives to desert your Beds; impeach your Fames,  
" In public Courts discover your defects,  
" Nay, to belie your weakness: and recover▪  
" For all these scandals, Alimonious ways  
" To feed their boundless riot!  Consul. 
They're annulled,  
Our Courts will not admit them▪  Duke. 
'Tis well done,  
For Gentlemen t'engage their State and Fame,  
And Beds of Honour, were a juggling Game.  
So we dismiss you:— may the Palms of Peace  
Crown Sivils State with safety and increase.  
Whereto when our reluctant actions give  
The least impede, may we no longer live.  Exeunt omnes, Trumpets sounding.    

Epilogue.  
YOu see our Ladies now are vanished,  
And gone, perchance, unto their husband's Bed  
Convinced of guilt: where if they cannot tame  
Their loose desires, but still retain the Name  
Of ALIMONY LADIES; you shall hear,  
They will not forfeit what they hold so dear,  
Prohibited delights: and in that stain  
With blushless dalliance visit you again.  
Nor shall we build on these our confidence  
Who give less reins to Reason then to Sense:  
Yet for redemption of their husband's Lands,  
Seal our Acquittance with your graceful hands.   


Navitèr incumbens Cal●mo, sine merce laboro;  
Merce carens, Vates nomine, verus ero.   

Haec thalami Socias Alimonia fecit iniquas;  
" Haud Aries uni sufficit unus Ovi. Arnold▪   
FINIS.