THE Life and Death OF RALPH walls The cobbler of gloucester: Together with some enquiring into the Mystery of Conventicleism.  
Miscemus multis seria multa jocis.  
LONDON, Printed by E. oaks, for William Whitwood. 1670.   

The Preface.  
LAmpridius writing the lives of several Roman Emperours, when he came down to Heliogabalus, made a stand, Debating with himself whether or no he ought to writ his life also, which because it was so bad, he thought 'twas best to pass by in silence; but then considering that the lives of Caligula, Nero, Vitellus, and other wicked Emperours stood registered to posterity, he thereupon put the life of that Monster of Mankind Heliogabalus, upon the file of time, also the like conflict had I with myself essaying to writ the life of the wicked cobbler of gloucester, but finding that the lives of German Lazarillous Hanham, and other Thieves and Rogues were upon Record, I thereupon resolved to picture this cobbler as near the life as I could, which I tell you before hand will be a very deformed piece; had I a mind to bely him, I could hardly do it, he was so bad of himself, and he said and did so ill against the living while he was amongst them, that it is no wonder if you find not one good word of him here, now he is dead. My design in writing his life, is to acquaint the world who it was that so troubled it with scrawling and bawling against the Church, and it's Ministers, that thereby the rigorous censures of all, unjustly conceived against it and them by the injurious tongue and pen of the cobbler may be mitigated. And truly the World had had this account of him long ago, had not I expected that some Tyburnian Chronologer, or Ballad-maker( for whom this Subject is most proper) would e're this have put out some Relation of him, and got it cried in the streets with the lives of the two Dudley's and Damaris page.: but finding that those read Lattice Historians are silent, I have taken this pains but just time enough to prevent Poor Robins almanac to tell you who and what this cobbler was.  
He was a base Instrument, which the Fanaticks used to rak in dirt with, that they might not foul their own fingers. He was their Champion to encounter the Church, and pull the Bishops thence, a the giants of old did Heaven to dethron the Gods, and to this end he was f●rnish'd by them( instead of other ammunition) with Pamphlets and Libels, and charged up to the mouth with lies and slanders, which he let fly( like hail-shot) against the Church and Church-men, to bespatter it's Government, and their Lives.  
The Fanaticks triumphed in him over the Church of England, because( although he gave them so many just provoca●ions, by writing and speaking dishonourably of them) none ever answered him. But let not the Fanaticks imagine it was so hard a matter to confute the cobbler as Bellermin. I would have them know, it was the innocency and moderation of the scandalised Church-men that advised them not to descend to take notice of what the Conventicle-leaders said and writ by the mouth and pen of this wicked cobbler against them. It is far below the generosity of any Christian Church-men to be moved at the calumnies and ignominious imputations of the Mountebank Ministers, or their degenerate Merry Andrew-like cobbler, for they prudently agree with Tacitus, that Maledicta spreta exolescunt, and like that magnanimus injuriarum contemptor Socrates, disdain to be angry at the kicking of Asses and barking of Dogs( for such were the cobbler and those his instigators, continually kicking against the Government, and barking against celestial bodies.) They hold it to be praestantissimum ultionis genus rebus ipsis et moribus confutare hanc Zoylorum sectam, quae in eorum acta tam sedulo inquirant ut ea fingant quae nunquam fuere; and can say of such their malevolent calumniators( as Philip Alexanders Father said of the Athenians) quod assiduis eorum convitiis meliores in dies efficiantur et diligentius vitam instituant.  
And now let any wise man judge by this following relation, whether the cobbler did not deserve contempt, the Conventicle-leaders his stimulators punishment, and their followers pitty.   

The LIFE and DEATH OF RALPH walls THE cobbler of gloucester.  
I Am not so good a herald as to translate this Translator out of his Original: wherefore to begin with him, letting his nasty pedigree alone, I look upon him as a unhandsome sprung up in the late Dung-hill Times, which gave growth to many such base Weeds, and kept under more generous Plants: An Upstart was then no Prodigy, there were many then extracted something out of nothing by a strange chemical Art much in practise in those daies: It was ordinary to see a Gentleman or a Preacher generated out of the corruption of a soldier or a Tradesman; amongst the rest the obscure cobbler began to conceive high thoughts, being bob'd o'th' Elbow by the daily examples of many heroic Upstarts, who advanced themselves from as mean Originals as his own: The Trophies of Miltiades would not let Themistocles take his rest, neither could the cobbler be quiet for Emulation; he saw that Vavasor Powel had thrown away his cury Comb, disdaining any longer to be an ostler; Zachary Crofton had left his Counter, and that the celebrated Saint of Salisbury-Court, Farington, had lept from his Loom; and therefore the cobbler saw no reason why he might not as well bounce from his Bulk; nay, which is more, this single-sol'd cobbler saw his single-ey'd Brother Huson making himself great by his Sword, and why might not he open a Trap-door to his Fortune by some Pick-lock way or other; one cobbler had as much impudence, and as little honesty, as the other: Ralph walls had a face of as good mettle, as Husons armour, and time discovered that he was as stout a Brother of the Quill, as Huson was of the Blade; nay, he had this signal advantage over him, for whereas Huson having but one eye might be taken o'th' blind side, Ralph walls could brag with the men of China, that he saw with two eyes.  
The cobbler of Glocester's ambition being thus set on edge by the daily preferment of his Brother Rogues, he calls a council of his own, and his Wife's wit, to know how his watering chaps also might taste the sweetness of those licentious times; after mature chew of the Cud, it was concluded, that Religion, that profitable Craft, should be the first way for him to raise his Fortune by; whereupon to begin the work of Reformation upon himself, he left off tuning Ballads, and fell a singing Psalms, both in's House and Stall; and though 'twas a hard matter for him, being a cobbler, to leave off Whistling, yet he made sure never to whistle, but to the tune of some of Robert wisdom, Thomas Sternhold, or John Hopkins metre. So a certain Colonel, to give God thanks for the Kings defeat at Worcester, instead of singing a Te Deum, said to his Troop, Let us whistle to the praise of God the hundredth Psalm.  
The cobbler would whistle and sing Psalms from four in the morning till twelve at night, to the great disturbance of many weary Travellers that lay near him: but by this means he got himself the reputation of a Religious Neighbour amongst the Godly of gloucester, who for his pretended Piety let him have the mending of all their old Shoes, and gave him many a Sundays Dinner, and afternoons Lunchin.  
The cobbler animated with this good success of his singing, made no question but that in time he might arrive to the faculty of Canting, and by that means exchange his cobbling Trade for a Saintship, yet he was a little discouraged for the present, being that like a true cobbler, he could neither writ nor red: but that obstacle was quickly removed, for his Wife, who no doubt had a Prophetical Spirit, having it one night revealed by her Familiar in a dream, that one time or other her Husband would deserve hanging, advised him by all means to put himself into a capacity of claiming the benefit of the Clergy; whereupon taking his Wife's admonition, he fell to his Horn-book, and being a little acquainted with his Letters, he skipped over to the Testament, not taking the Primer and Psalter in's way, because they had Common Prayer in their Bellies; and thus with much pains, and his Wife's great care, he learnt his Neck-verse; and considering that the Art of Writing might stand him in as good stead, he by some means or other learnt to scraul a little false English.  
The cobbler was scarce able to red the Scripture, but he took upon him the Interpretation of it; for finding it written, that Paul wrought with his own hands, he thought he might probably be a cobbler; nay, this Cordwainer would undertake to enter into the most intricate Labyrinth of Scripture, and come out again the right way, by the Cord or Clew of his own imagination.  
By this time his Shop was too little to hold him, he would not hid his Farthing Candle under a Bushel, nor bury his two pcny Talent in the ground, but he packed up his Awls, and out he went; to proclaim how much the Riches of Grace were advanced in an empty nothing cobbler. Long he had not been out of his Bulk, e're he was received into several silly Widdows houses, who for the seeming Sanctity of his Conversation, suffered him to exercise his Gifts amongst them; and when any Master of a Family went from home, he commonly supplied his absence, doing all kinds of Family Duty at his house; for which his service, he usually got his paunch filled, and something else.  
The cobbler having thus renounced the Order of Saint Hugh, might have lived very plentifully upon the Incomes of his Prayers, which like Peters Fish, afforded him both meat and money; but yet finding his Fortune too low roof'd for his high spirit, and this praying Profession too strict for his boundless mind, he soon became weary of it, and turned it off like an unprofitable servant; and being of a Nature more inclined to trouble then quietness, he fell a repining at his low condition, and thought to raise it by impoverishing others: This made him so ready to undertake that Hangman-like employment under Olivers Commissioners, of being an Under-Sequestrator of the Loyal Parties Goods, in which Office he was as cruel as a common Executioner, insulting over the Loyalists adversity: Besides, he was a Knight of the Post to the Oliverian Crew, for when ever they suspected any Gentleman guilty of the Crime of being true to his King and Conscience, or were jealous that any honest Minister stood disaffected to Olivers Government over the Church or State, Ralph walls, the cobbler of gloucester, would offer himself for a small sum to be an Informer, or Journey-man-Swearer against them: But this employment also he left off, not out of any honest Principle, but because he was usually cheated of the wages he was promised for his Perjury, at which he took such distaste, that he fell a railing against them that set him on that wicked work: But besides this his just displeasure conceived against the Government, he had a strange Antipathy to any Power, and like a true Sectary, he could not be quiet under any Government long. And hence it was that he railed so against Oliver and the Rump-Parliament, fathering several nameless Pamphlets put out against them.  
Had he cried down Olivers Power, that this might have come up, there had been something to have commended him for; but 'tis certain he had no other design but to show his general Enmity to any Power, in venturing his Neck so in Olivers time, that doubtless he had been hanged, and so fulfilled his Wife's Dream, had not the Devil, his back-friend, preserved him to do him more such service in this Government, as I shall relate.  
When the Ramp was unroosted, which all the time it sate hatched many ungodly Chucks, amongst other good Reformations, the Churches, which had a long time been Dens of Thieves, became Houses of Prayer again, and the Upstart-Gospellers were dispossessed of their usurped benefice, who fearing least their kingdom should be now at an end, and that they should return to their Shops again, which they had so advantageously exchanged for Pulpits,( like as the Legion of Devils choose rather to enter into an Herd of Swine, then to return to the place from whence they came) entred into an Herd of dull, melancholy, ill-looking, and worse-meaning people, choosing rather to get their livings by leading them like Owls into Barns and by- places, and teaching them to repined against the Government, then honestly to thrive in the Callings wherein their mean Fortunes at first placed them.  
These Handy-craft-Preachers, like the Masters of the South-saying-Damsel, seeing the hope of their gains was like to be gone, did like Demetrius the Silver-Smith, call together their Fellow Crafts-men, who considering in what peril their advantageous Craft was to come to nought, put all the Towns and Cities into such uproars, that the Town-Clerks and Magistrates cannot quiet them.  
These Mecanick Ministers, and other changeling Church-men, being vexed they made no more hast to be rich while their Sun shined, by all sinister means endeavour to bring all things into the same confusion again; to which intent they have got on their side all those that entred into that Solemn League and Covenant of living and dying Rebels, and all that tasted the sweetness of the late licentious times, who like Kill-sheep dogs, impatient of restraint, would fain be ravening again, and therefore Cur-like they snarl at the Magistrates of Church and State, howling and crying out for Liberty of Conscience, saying, 'twill never be well till there be an Amsterdam in England, that every man may do what is right in his own eyes, by all which they mean an Ambuscado, for their further impious designs.  
These kind of malevolent people, I say, from the first designed the ruin of the present Government; but considering it must be a work of time and policy, like great Machiavillians, they made choice of that seldome-failing Stratagem, Zeal for Reformation in Religion, to increase their own Party by, and lessen the power of them in Rule; whereupon the Pulpiteers of this disaffected Faction entering into private Assemblies, fell a Praying and Preaching( as they do still) against the times, deriding the Government of the Church, and crying out for Reformation thereof; thus warring against the Bishops, that they may again triumph over the King.  
Herein they were great politicians indeed, and cunningly considered, that the most impious designs were usually palliated with the most specious pretexts of Piety, they well remembered how successful the Pulpit had been in former Rebellions, and that no wicked Plot was ever laid without some Preacher in it; they called to mind, how that the Famous General Jack Straw's endeavours had been in vain, without the strong assistance of person Ball; how the Gunpowder Plot had never been laid, without the contrivance of Father Garnet; and how Oliver cromwell had never been Lord Protector, had not his Black Coats laid about them in the Pulpits, as his read Coats did in the Field. King John was poisoned by a Monk, King Henry of France was stabbed by a Jacobin friar, and our late sovereign was condemned from the Pulpit, e're he had his Sentence from the Bench; and so was his Loyal Subject Montrose in Scotland. The Pope can do more with his Swarms of friars and jesuits, then with Regiments of Horse and Foot. All this( I say) was well known to the disaffected Faction, who to bring about their designs, thought it good policy to have a Regiment of private gospelers also scattered up and down, which like fired Beacons might alarum their whole Forces to rise when they saw opportunity.  
Besides these Privateers, they had certain Emissaries or Factors of their Faction in several parts, which like Incendiary jesuits might enter into Churches and Houses to raise Mutinies amongst the people against their Ministers; and by prying into their discontents, by deceiving them with Lies and Scandals upon Episcopacy, and by using any kind of wicked means whatsoever, might make them Rebels to the Church, and Turn-coats to Conventicles.  
Amongst other Whelps of this Litter, the cobbler of gloucester having got himself the reputation of an Ingenious man, in reference to any kind of mischief, that the Devil, Man, or his own wicked invention could prompt him to, was looked upon as a Person very fitly qualified for this employment; and he finding it like to prove a thriving way, needed no stronger invitation then his own poverty to tempt him to't, for so he could but make his clothes whole, he cared not though 'twas by making Rents and Divisions in the Church. He therefore readily fell to his task, which was to convert, divert, and pervert all the seduceable people he could meet with, sending them like Sheep to his Neighbouring Conventicle Leaders, who were to give him a share of their Golden Fleeces. He was also to invent lies, and raise Calumnies upon the Church and Church-men: He was also to Father Libels, and scatter Pamphlets, tending to the dishonour of the Church; and in a word, to do any base thing that Conventicle Leaders, and others his Abettors and Pay-masters should put him upon: He had assigned him for a Province to exercise his Rogueries in, all Glocestershire, but all England was a limit narrow enough for him to expatiate his mighty self in, for his Legs and Tongue were in continual motion, and both body and mind were always rambling; and in all parts where ever he came, he was so nimble an Agent for Non-conformity, that Westminster Hall is not so much beholding to all the Green Bags in England together, for creating Law-suits, as the fanatic Faction was to this their great Minister, the cobbler of gloucester, for the multitude of Non-conformists.  
No man cried louder for a Toleration, and Liberty of Conscience; no man cast more dirt upon the Lawn and Holland of the Church; no man more furious against the Eaters of Plum-broth, and minced pies at christmas, though he himself would as greedily devour those Superstitious meats then, as Flesh in Lent and Ember weeks; no man a greater Enemy to any kind of decency; no man a greater Abuser of the Clergy, witness his Dialogue betwixt him and his Wife, where he lays faults to their charge that never were committed, just like a Tyburn Poet, that commonly gets a lying Relation of the Malefactors Execution printed e're they suffer; nay, he would not only belie the Church, but the Court also; for having somewhere heard that Drollery was much in fashion there, he gave out in the Country, that the Court was full of Idolatry: He would call the Common Prayer as bad as a Common Whore, and say it had swearing and cursing in it: He would mock the Organs, and singing men, in a tone as ugly as the howling of a Dog, and call a surplice, scarf and Scarlet, the very Smock, Hood, and Petticoat of the Whore of Babylon; he would rail without either fear or wit against the Magistrates and Ministers, contemning their power, and slandering their lives; he had an inveterate malice against Ecclesiastical Jurisdiction, because he was too wicked to live under it, and he hated a Chancellor as an untoward Boy doth his School-master: He would speak Treason as familiarly as Non-sense, and sometimes he would blaspheme, to show he neither cared for Earthly nor Heavenly Power.  
He was once Indicted for denying the Kings Supremacy over the Church, and being found Guilty, was fined twenty pounds, and committed to Prison, where he was ordered to stay until he found sufficient Security for his good behaviour; but he came off more favourably then an honester man should have done, being favoured by a certain Officer, who for fear of offending his Wife, and other Saints and Saintesses, set him at liberty e're he had performed the Order of Court.  
'Tis long of such that Meeting Houses go up faster then Churches in London, and I'm afraid there's too many of them that can find in their hearts to contribute to the erecting or hiring of a Meeting House, but take no more care to have the Churches up again.  
This is much to the purpose, but not so much to the cobbler in hand, who( as I said before) was continually scandalising the Government both of Church and State; and truly it would require a whole volume to set down all the abuses, injuries, and incivilities he put upon the Church and Church-men; but it shall suffice me to tell you, that as a Whore prostitutes her self neither for love nor lust, but only gain, so what ever the cobbler wrote, said, or did, to the dishonour of the Government of Church and State, was neither for Conscience nor Religions sake, but only for a few Contributions and Meals Meat, which he had allowed him from Conventiclers, and Conventicle Leaders, some whereof, when ever they had a mind to show their irreconcilable spleen to the Church, and by consequence to the State, would vent it in some scurrilous Libel or other, which for a little money they could get the cobbler to Father upon himself, but for his own part he never had any issue of his brain, except that illegitimate Dialogue, which he conceived and brought forth in so mis-shappen a Method, that it would have plainly appeared to be the work of a cobbler indeed, had not some such Abettors of his Facts, as Conventicle Leaders, licked it, like a Bear, into a little more tolerable shape. In that Dialogue, the cobbler often makes mention of his Wife, which shows what use he made of her in all his Counsels. Lentulus the Proconsul, made great use of his Wife's counsel in all his business: Pope Innocent the XIII. advised much with his Niece: The Author of the familiar Epistles imparted all his secrets to his Concubine; but the cobbler made more use of a Woman then they all, for without his Wife he could do nothing; she was a good Linguist, and taught him both to red and scold; she was also of a good invention, and helped him to make lies: In a word, she was to him instead of an Oracle, sibyl, and Familiar, and if she was not a Witch, yet she was foul enough to be suspected for one.  
Many other Books besides this Dialogue did the cobbler own, though 'tis certain he could never writ true Sense, Tense, Case, nor Figure▪ but for all that he had an itching mind to be scribbling, and like as Diogenes of Corinth, seeing his Countrymen all busy in resisting King Philips Siege, least he alone should be idle amongst so many workers, fell a tumbling his Tub up and down: So this indefatigable cobbler disdaining to be idle amongst so many Goos-quill men, who with their addle brains, and idle pens, were daily filling the world with sedition, cried, Room for the cobbler of gloucester, and fell a railing, for want of wit and matter, against the times, deriding the Laws, and slandering the Government.  
resolved he was to get himself a Name, and considering he had not virtues to do it by, he therefore thriftily managed his Vices to that end, choosing rather to die odiously with Jack Cade, and Wat tiler, then to live obscurely.  
Pausanias killed Philip of Macedon, that he might be talked of to Posterity; and another infamous Fame-hunter burnt Diana's Temple; and so the cobbler did the King and the Church as much disgrace as he could, that he might get himself a reputation, though 'twas of a Rogue; and this made him so ready to own as his Act and dead so many scandalous and virulent Pamphlets, which 'tis certain he was never the facinorous Author of.  
The cobbler indeed had Sulphur enough, though not Mercury in him to compass such abusive stuff, and how drossy soever his writings were in the Oar, he might easily get them refined by several lying libelers of his own Faction: But for all that, I believe they were none of his, but that some Janus-fac'd Conventiclers might club their wicked wits for such opprobrious conceptions, and the cobbler might with his private Printer help to bring them into the world: But however, 'tis certain he distributed them amongst the disaffected in the Country, and there was no Conventicle Leader but had them, who( as their custom is to build their reputation upon others disgrace) made use of them to bring an Odium upon the Government, thanking God, like the self-justifying Pharisee, that they were not like those Publicans and sinners, the Courtiers and Clergy of England.  
The cobbler presented his good friend Captain L. with these Pamphlets, who  told me, much applauding them, that they were the works of the witty cobbler of gloucester; but I telling him, that the epithet of Witty was above the capacity of a cobbler to deserve, Oh Sir, said he, you must understand he is a Glocestershire-man, and Glocestershire is famous for having two great Wits born in it, instancing in Sir Thomas Overbury, and the cobbler of gloucester; but sure the Captain was much mistaken in his comparison, and might have made as proper an one of a Coach and a Wheel-barrow.  
This L. was a Captain for Oliver at Ludlow, where he once signalized his Valour in leading his men up, and his wisdom in running away, saving himself to do the State more service in his Justiceship, in which Office he domineered over far better men then himself, until the turning times turned him out; and since for his little wit, and less learning, he hath got himself the reputation of a gifted man, the famed whereof hath already reached London, and is come to the ears of a certain London Lady, famous for being a Protectress and Patroness of all Conventicles and private Pulpiteers, who having heard of his incomparable knack of Canting, takes him for a man of surpassing Piety, and Courts him by Letters for the familiarity of his acquaintanee( as he himself hath  told me) And further, that her ladyship being informed by a Shropshire Colonel,( another fanatic brain like himself) that the dealings of the Lord had been wonderful upon him in a Sickness he once had, wrote a Letter to him, desiring to be satisfied how it was that the Lord dealt with him; whereupon he sent her a short Relation of it, but her ladyship desiring to be more fully informed in all passages, he thereupon( as he  told me) wrote some five sheets of the dealings of the Lord upon him, and sent it to her ladyship, who contrary to my ambition, said he, intends to have it printed.  
I am sorry the reputation of a Person of her Quality should be fully'd by giving credit to the false informations of Canters, and Pretenders to the Spirit; wherefore to unabuse her ladyship, I make bold to tell it abroad, that those five sheets of paper so sent to the said Lady, have nothing in them but the figments of the Authors own crazed brains, and that those Revelations, Visions, Dreams, Agonies, and other dealings of the Lord upon him, which he may writ of, are nothing but his extemporary non-sense, put into a little better method, according to the description of the said Colonel, Farington, and other pretenders to Inspiration, on purpose to please her devout ladyship.  
'Tis true, the Cap●ain took his Bed once upon a Surseit of Beef and Cabbage, and probably might then dream the Devil came to torment him before his time; whereupon in's sleep he might implore help from Heaven, and awaking, tell the people he had seen a Vision, besides he might then perhaps belch out some pieces of Canting, and his silly Visitants might take these his Eructations to be Ejaculations, and he himself might call these the dealings of the Lord upon him.  
I had like to have said there is nothing can be spoken in commendation of this man, but considering that Homer commending some of his Hero's, calls them Beef-eaters: I must needs aclowledge the Capt●in to be praise-worthy, for I know him to be a terrible fellow at a piece of Beef.  
The cobbler and he were so loving in life together, that 'twas pity they were divided in death; I have heard him deplore his death, saying, there's great loss of that ingenious man, meaning the cobbler of gloucester, whom probably he might term ingenious, for that Stratagem he learnt of him, which was this:  
The Captain once complained to the cobbler, that his house was so haunted with Hobgoblin Justices, that he could never ke●p a Conventicle in's house, without great danger of being disturbed, desiring his advice in that case; whereupon the cobbler counseled him to make a Collection to buy Cards and Dice with, which might be always ready on the Tables, so that if those uncircumcised Philistines, the Magistrates, came upon them, they might leave Preaching, and fall to game; meaning, the Sisters might hid Gods books in their Plackets, and fall to the Devils, the Brothers, might let a certain Tremulation, called the Gentlemans palsy, seize upon their Elbows, and every one take his turn at Hazard, and the Speaker might turn Box-keeper, and instead of Hum, ha, and ho, cry, Six to four, seven to five; so that their private House of Prayer being thus turned into a Temple-Hall, or Speerings Ordinary, that Den of Thieves, they might be secure enough from the Magistrates: And for this delusion it was that the Captain applauded him for an ingenious man.  
Whosoever is desirous to see the works of the cobbler all together, this Captain can satisfy his curiosity; but let him despair of getting any of them from him, for he would rather part with the whole Duty of Man, because it seems to be written by one of the Church of England, then the least parcel of the cobblers works.  
The cobbler made him many Visits at his house, where he always found welcome both at Bed and Board, and never came thence empty handed, which made him like a true Beggar come the oftener, though 'twas a great distance from gloucester; but distance signified nothing to the restless cobbler, for, like a gipsy, he loved traveling, and never could endure to stay a fortnight in one place, in so much that he could not be said to inhabit any where: He would ramble East, West, North, and South, and find such Benefactors as the Captain in every quarter; but in all his wanderings he avoided, as a Plague-infected House, the Habitation of any well-wisher to the Church of England, well knowing how unwelcome his lies would be there: His custom lay all amongst malevolent Conventiclers, by whom alone he got his livelihood; and this was the reason he went so often to Kidderminster, that Nursery of Non-conformity, which was planted to be a reserve for men that may continually oppose the established Government of the Church of England.  
Here it was that the cobbler found his best Masters and Mistresses, who would readily take his scandalous Pamphlets, and lying Libels off his hands, striving who should gratify him most with gifts and entertainments.  
The cobbler knew what kind of Stories would best please those bad Natures, wherefore he never failed to offend truth, that he might humour them: He had always ready some false news or other about Liberty of Conscience, some Gibe or jeer upon Episcopacy, some false scandal upon a Bishop, some nick-name for a surplice, some Roguish Jest upon the Liturgy, some lie of his own inventing upon a person, or some new-raised foul tale or other, tending to the disparagement of the Church, Court, or State, he never was unfurnish'd of, to make those bad natured people merry with, who gave a catholic Faith to all the cobbler ever said.  
Here it was, as well as in other places, that the impudent cobbler slandered the Right Reverend Bishop of gloucester, amongst other scandals, with falsely interpreting Grotius. You see hereby that no man can writ or speak so well, but some zoilus or Momus will rise up to find fault. Plato, Aristotle, Virgil, livy, Seneca, and Pliny, were all carp'd at by some critics or other; Horace said that Homer dreamed sometimes; Demosthenes did not please Tully in all things; neither could the Bishop of Glocesters Interpretation of Grotius go free from being falsely censured by the more wicked then witty cobbler. Osborn was of Opinion, that ignorance would be the last thing subdued e're the dissolution of the Universe; wherefore I believe he would have apprehended the time to be very near, had he seen a cobbler writ Books, and turn critic, as this Doctor of Divillity Ralph walls did, making many false blows at Episcopacy, shoo●ing many Fools Bolts against the Church, but never discharging one piece of Reason for whatever he said or did: The Emperor Titus( the delight of men) would complain he had lost that day on which he had done no good Office to any one; but this cobbler the abomination of mankind, thought he had spent that day ill, wherein he had not done some foul turn or other to the Church or Churchmen, for 'twas meat, and drink, and clothes to him to do such kind of mischief; and if he did not soundly ply his wicked calling, the Conventicle Leaders, and other his factious Masters and Mistresses, held him up to the Law of the Gymnosophists, which denies meat to them that will not work, and would allow him neither meat nor wages; wherefore he diligently minded his business, which was lying and slandering, by which ungodly Trade he got his living where e're he came: But for my part, I think Whores, highway-men, Gamesters, and Pick-pockets, get their lives by as warrantable courses.  
Besides lying and slandering, he had also a thievish kind of profession which was very advantageous to him, for he did not only go snip with Conventicle Leaders,( as thieves and receivers do) for robbing the Church of its honor, and stealing mens hearts from it, but he would put himself upon the employment of carrying the Collections, which Quakers, Anabaptists, Independents, Presbyterians, and other Conventiclers, gave to their poor or imprisoned Fellow Rebels, to strengthen them in their disobedience to the Laws of the King, and the Church; but instead of delivering what was sent, he commonly withheld either all, or the most part, for he would betray any trust to be true to himself.  
For all these, and a thousand other villainies, who would ever have thought this same devilish cobbler should have( preternaturally to his deserts) died of a natural death: he escaped hanging indeed, but yet he return'd to the place from whence he came; for after his many weary journeys, and indefatigable pains-taking to do mischief, his legs being fallen away with sore travail, his tongue faltering with continual telling lies, and his lungs being wasted with perpetual bawling against the Church and Church-men, like old Guy of Warwick, he return'd to his Native Country, to end his Evening where he took his Morn.  
At gloucester Death and the cobbler met, but he had fair warning of his coming, by a sickness which he took upon a monstrous supper of flesh one Friday night, about Lent, but for all that the cobbler had no mind to prepare himself for his death; for though the Bishop sent him a pious Exhortation to ask God forgiveness of all the injuries and dishonours which with his wicked tongue and pen he had done his Church and Ministers, yet instead of repenting, he quiter contrarily glori'd in what he had done, and as he lived, so he was resolved to die, a Rebel to the Church and all goodness; for he was so hardened through the success of his impieties, and his long impunity, that he either could not repent, or thought he had nothing to repent of; and he either thought all the lies and slanders he had raised upon the Church and Churchmen, were very venial sins, or by often telling them, and seeing them pass so currently for truths, he himself at last believed them to be so.  
Death had many expostulations with him about's recovery, but considering that should he mend, yet he would never be better, and angry the world had been troubled with him so long, Death therefore took his paring knife and cut off the tatching ends of the cobblers life,  
This detestable cobbler( although he was intestable for his furious nature) a little e're he died sent for a neighbouring Baker, who had a small faculty of writing, to make his Will, which the cobbler began to dictate, not in the Name of God, &c. least in any thing he should imitate a Christian; neither did he bequeath his Soul to his Maker, not being willing perhaps to rob the devil of his due; but he began, I give to my Wife 500 l. to my Elder Daughter 200 l. to my Younger Daughter 200 l. At which the Baker asked him where all this money was, telling him, he was glad he could leave his Wife and Children so well: To which the cobbler replied, Neighbour, it is my Will that my Wife and Children should have so much, but if they cannot have it, I must die intestate; and so the Atheistical Rogue went out of the world, like Vespasian, with a Jest in's mouth.  
Though he bequeathed 900 l. in's Will to his Wife and Daughters, yet he left them not 900 d. for he spent all his ungodly gains in's life time, and was of Heliogabalus's lavish mind, that it was best for a man to be his own Heir. But if any here wonder how it came to pass that the cobbler having so many wicked ways to thrive by, died in so poor a condition, that a common Executioner would not have taken the pains to hang him for all he was worth, let him consider how the Devil uses to deal with Witches, Gamesters, Highway-men, and other his Slaves, seldom letting them die worth a Groat, or in their Beds, and he will be satisfied that Satan was very civil to his servant the cobbler, in letting him die neither of hemp nor hunger, but in a pair of hempen sheets, to put him in mind how well he had deserved hanging, which doubtless had fallen to his share, had that Law been in force in England which Queen Amasis once established in Egypt, whereby she punished as Felons all that could give no good account how they got their livings.  
Some Fanaticks have said, that as sure as God's in gloucester, the cobbler of Glocester's gone to Heaven; yet considering that while he was alive, he marred more souls then ever he mended, and made more go away then ever he set upright; one may think it more probable, that if any one had been in the whispering Vault of gloucester Church, at the critical minute of his departure, he might have heard the Devil cry, Room for the cobbler of gloucester: whither his Soul is gone I am not bold enough to divine; but I am sure his body, which while he lived, nine Counties could scarcely contain, is now comprised within nine foot of ground.  
Having now brought this great Minister of the fanatic State from his day to his dust, I shall proceed to the description of his external parts, wherein I intend to be very circumstantial, and then make some enquiry into his Internals, not by way of Augury, as the Romans did into the dials of their beasts( for we must allow the cobbler to be a kind of a rational creature) but to show you how small a share he had of Virtue, by telling how much he had of its contrary.  
For his person in general it was ugly, in particular any one might judge by his dog-look, that he lay lurching to play some dog-trick or other: In stature and shape he was made to run well, which agreed well with his itinerant employment; his complexion was of a Sun-burnt gipsy colour, and his skin was rough and tawny, like singed Bacon; his hair was brown and brisly upon his head, but his locks were weather-turn'd, like a Barbers Show Perewig. The Scripture forbids the wearing of unseemly long hair, but the cobbler quiter contrarily wore unseemly short hair, not out of his great fear to offend the Text, but out of his great feud to Decency, which by all means, like a true Non-conformist, he avoided, least he should be suspected for one of the Church of England, and so be taken for a Christian: But for all his hair was thus short and unseemly, he was as proud of it, as Commodus and Aelius Verus were of their hair powdered with the Radiments of Gold.  
His clothes were always out of fashion, and every part of his Habit was as much a Non-conformist to the Mode, as he was to the Church, and he loved Uniformity in nothing but desormity, doing what he could by Art to make himself more deformed then he was by Nature: But I know not to what purpose, except as the Emperour Caracalla, having the vanity to fancy himself to be like Alexander the Great, did all he could, by holding his neck awry, and imitating other his postures to resemble him; so the cobbler might do all he could to look ugly, that he might thereby represent the Devil.  
Plato was of Opinion, that Souls unwillingly departed out of fair bodies, and on the contrary; wherefore I wonder that the cobblers Soul left not his body sooner, for 'twas so foul, that it might well be called the Sepulchre of his Soul.  
The cobbler being thus foul, it was no wonder his actions were no fairer, for the shape of the body commonly bears the similitude of the mind; aand therefore we may say of him, as Aristophanes said of Philocles, that his actions were soul because his person was, and the reason why he was as bad as a Witch, in doing much harm, and no good, was because he was as foul as a Witch.  
Having thus done with the cobblers Shape and Habit, I proceed to his Diet, wherein a man would judge he was very temperate, considering how little it cost him; but the truth is, he eat much, and paid little, feeding for the most part at public entertainments; he would be as constantly at Conventicle Feasts, as a needy Gallant at my Lord Mayors: Besides, he was a great frequenter of private christenings, Clandestine Marriages, Night-burials of Non-conformists, and other occult Solemnities, at which the cobblers presence was very necessary, especially in helping to steal a Corps into a hole in a Church-yard, which he would do with such secrecy, that the person and Sexton should be robbed of their Fees, and the Corps of its Christian Burial, for which he got many a Meals Meat, and now and then some of the Deceaseds old clothes.  
He had also many other invitations by Non-conformists, which he never refused; and if at any time he was invited to two places at once to dinner, he was not so modest as a certain voracious Doctor, who in such a case is used to dine at the one place, and sup at the other, but the cobbler would both dine and sup at each place; nay, he was so liberal of his company at a dinner or supper, that rather then not accept of an invitation, he would commonly invite himself, bringing a stomach with him as large as his conscience; and all the while he was at's meat, by his good will he would not speak one word but what his belly prompted him to; but when that was once filled, he would scarce let any one have a word with him.  
He generally loved all Meats that were good, but especially his appetite was most s●t upon Bacon, of which food he eat so much, and so often, that as Fabius had his Name from the Latin word of Beans, Piso from that of Pease, and Lentulus from that of lentils, for the love they severally bore to those respective kinds of food; and as Captain L. is called Captain Beef, because of his great stomach to that Dish, even so the cobbler, instead of Ralph walls, might have been called Ralph Bacon, for his great appetite to it; but he would have been better Bacon, if according to his deserts he had been hanged.  
In drink the cobbler was usually sparing when it cost him any thing, but if it came in free-cost, like other Non-conformists, he would drink until he was of Copernicus's Opinion, that the World went round.  
In ancient History we may red, how Anacreon was choked with the Husk of a Grape, and Fabius the Praetor with a hair in a draft of milk; and I have red in the puny Chronicles, of one choked with a Chees-cake, and another with the rump of a Chicken, but the last two might have been alive to this day, could they have swallovv'd as well as the cobbler, for with bawling against the Bishops, and eating Bacon, he had made his throat so wide and slippery, that neither meat, drink, nor lies could ever choke him.  
Of Constitution he was strong and hardy, ●lse he could not have kept his flesh so well upon his travail, yet he was not fat, but in fine traveling order; for though both when he restend, and when he was upon's journeys, he never fell from's meat, yet his continual beating upon the Hoof did keep down his flesh; but for all that he was in good heart, until Death foundered him.  
The cobbler was also of a bold and daring spirit, which was a r●sult of his poverty, for having little to loose, he ventured far to get something, but had he had wealth, reputation, place, or any plentiful dispensation of birth or Fortune, he would have been more cool in's courage against the Laws, and not have hazarded the loss of his possessions, by so often offending against them: But he was none of Fortunes Darlings, for like Bias, he carried all's wealth about him, and yet never feared robbing or confiscation.  
The cobbler thus having little to loose, had the less to fear; and therefore 'twas, that where hope of gain encouraged him he was so bold in doing mischief, for he was clearly of Vespasian's mind, that gain was sweet, though got by never so foul means; and out of this Principle it was that he never blushed for any villainy that ever he committed, at least he was never seen to blushy, for that was impossible, because of the brownness of his complexion, which was enough to obfuscate the Vermilion of his modesty, had he been owner of any: But, for my part, I think he was as much a stranger to that graceful Quality, as to any kind of honesty.  
As the cobblers Spirits never fled to his face for shane, so neither did they ever retire to his heart for fear; for as Heliogabalus in his Oration to the Whores of Rome, admonisheth them by all means Ut frigiditatem ex cordibus & pudorem ex mentibus penitus extirperent, so the Conventicle Leaders, and other the cobblers Instigators, might( not improbably) enjoin him to renounce all modesty and pusillanimity, in executing his mischievous Function: But for all that, he stood not so stoutly to his base principles, but that he once gave back at Kidderminster; where, as he was practising his Rogueries once, Order was given to apprehended him; at which, together with his guilt, he was struck into such a Panique fear, that leaving his Horse behind him, he shew'd himself an excellent Foot-man, flying for Religion to the House of a certain Captain, and Brother Saint of his, where he found none at home but the Saintess, who not only congratulated his Escape, but was ready to have protected him from further danger, by hiding him under her very Coats, if need were.  
How familiar they were I know not, but I am sure I have heard the Captain say, that finding this precious Saint at his house, when he came home, he not only got his horse released, but at parting gave him half a Crown, thanking him for being so kind as to visit his Wife in his absence.  
Some by their Hospitality to Strangers, have unawares entertained Angels; but this Captain, and his Wife, did witting entertain the devilish cobbler of gloucester.  
The cobbler was very well advised in taking Sanctuary at the Captains House, which( besides the advantage of its commodious situation by a Wood) is built for the many Trap-doors and private passages in and out, like that house which Prusias King of Bithinia gave Hannibal the Carthaginian, after Scipio conquered him, to secure himself in, from the surprisals of the Romans, his own Country not daring to conceal him.  
In a word, this House of the Captains is every way so cunningly contrived, as though he designed it, either for a Receptacle to such Rogues as the cobbler was, or for himself to antimonarchical in, or make his Escape out of, in case his endeavours fail him in some bad designs he is thought to have in hand: And another argument he secures himself from such a Chance is, his holding his Lands, Livings, and all that ever he by hook or crook is worth, in other mens Names.  
For this Captains Religion, if we take his own word for't he's a Latitudinarian taking up that denomination perhaps from the immensity of his Conscience, and so he may as well call himself a Longitudinarian, but however he may gloss upon himself in plain English he's a Leveller, that wo'ud with all his heart have the present power planed that he might insult over is again.  
He is much of the nature of the cobbler of Gloucester in opprobious Language against the Government of the Church of England, and railing against the decent Ceremonies thereof, in so much that the loss of the atlantic cobbler in those parts will be the less, so long as this Herculian Captain is a live to support the fanatic faction.  
He has all the false news of Liberty of Conscience, being granted, much of which is, of his own raising, and he is continually talking of the necessity of such a toleration, being prompted to it by the Advantage he proposes to himself thereby: nay he is so vehement for it, that like other self aiming Non conformists he lays all the misfortunes of the Nation and miscarriages of State to the want of it. So have I heard him hypocritically bewail the misery, he said the country was like to fall into in that the Cattle went not off this Summer, and this he gave for a reason.  
The King( quoth he) having put out a Proclamation against Conventicles, the Non conformists who( said he) have got all the Money of the Kingdom into their hands, have thereupon called in all their money, being resolved to put cut no more until such time as Liberty of Conscience shall be granted, whereupon the graziers, about London failing of their usual supplies of money upon Interest from the money'd Non-conformist, cannot take the Cattle off the Drovers hands, who by consequence can buy no more from the country Farmers who by consequence cannot pay their Rent, and by consequence must be beggared. By this kind of argumentation he went about to prove the Lands misery, but what half witted man would not deny his argument, well knowing that the onely reason why Cattle went not off in the country this Summer was for want of grass about London. He endeavoured also to prove the reason of the decay of Trading and Merchandizing in the Nation to be onely the want of Liberty of Conscience by such like frivolous arguments which can make no impression upon either wise or honest people, but by this means the Malleable vulgar are stirred up to oppose the Laws by Calumniating words and illegal assemblies, which otherwise would live quietly under the Government, imputing their mis-fortunes to more probable causes. And this is the constant practise of Conventicle-leaders to bring an odium upon the Government, and make their Mundungos doctrine take the better amongst their deluded followers whose brains being over heated by the unctuous reports of their Hot-headed Leaders, they can judge no better what is meant by all that zealous preaching they hear then a feverish palate can relish the true gusto of the Meat it tastes, but as some take bad Tobacco commending it for the best, so the ears of Conventiclers do greedily drink in the doctrine of their factious leaders, and their faith swallows it for the best, not discerning the Gunpowder that's in it to blow up Church and State.  
Much might be said of this Captain to show you what an admirer he was of the cobbler but I on purpose omit him to make some conjectures of the cobblers Religion, which truly was so Mongril like that I know not what to call him. He joined himself to independents, Anabaptists, Quakers and Presbyterians, and agreed with them all in railing against the times and crying down the authority of them in rule. He something resembled a Jew, also in his malice to Christian Church Men, but his Bacon devouring principle may satisfy all the World he was no Jew.  
Some thought he might be a jesuit skulking under the shape of a cobbler, because he would so cunningly insinuate lies unto mens unwary hearts, but truly he never shewed himself Popishly affencted in any thing except in bearing a perpetual grudge to the Church of England, and he was so far from being of that Church, which like a painted Whore is all for ceremonies that quiter contrarily he favoured those Churches most which like dirty sluts were for no ceremonies at all, besides his illeterature might secure him from the scandal of being a jesuit, for though he had polluted many books with his pitchy thumbs, and continually poring upon them, yet he could not arrive to any perfection in his Mother tongue, for all his writing too, he was still a cobbler, and though he confidently courted Minerva yet she constantly slighted him, disdaining to frame a Mercury out of a degenerate wooden cobbler, or to set her Jewels so plain as in the dull Spirit of a base Mecanick, she scorned to dignify him with a Cothurne or Buskin, whose conversation had been more with old Boots then Books. This moved his Irascible faculty against her Minions, and because she would not vouchsafe him her favours, he therefore villify'd them in others, to speak more plain the cobbler contemned learning in others, because he found it wanting in himself, saying it was invented by conjurors and Papists, and that Languages were nothing but the confusion of Babel, but all his feud against learning and learned men arose from nothing but the defect of that graceful qualification in himself. So it is an ordinary thing for deformed persons to despise beauty( that very glorious gift of the Gods as Homer calls it) in others, calling it pride, and effeminateness, when as they themselves would be much more proud had they any thing to be proud of, and so there are many upstart conventicle Leaders, generated out of Mecanicks or tradesman, who having that base quality of the Devil, to wish all in as bad a condition as themselves, would willingly have all as ignorant of learning as they are, and hence i● is that they cry out so loud against the Rhetorical Divines of the Church of England, crying up plainness of speech altogether and all out of a conscious knowledge of their own defects.  
It's strange to me that these Men should parallel themselves with Paul as they usually do, when as they are nothing like him, for whereas Paul was said to be mad for his much learning, these men may be said to be mad for their little learning, yet they make the Spirit( like occult qualities) a shelter from the suspicion of their ignorance. They hate the succinct brevity of the laconic dialect, because 'tis out of their reach, and admire Cicero for his long wind, but not for his eloquence, because they cannot imitate it. They despise the orders of the Church of England, and undervalue men in degrees, because they were never capable of orders not degrees. They speak against Universityes, because they were no members of them, saying Popery, is taught there taking that advantage perhaps from several books of Philosophy &c. Which were written by Roman catholics, and so the cobbler took occasion to say once of All Souls college in Oxford, that it was a college of Papists, either because there are so many civil Lawyers there, whom he took to be limbs of the Pope, or because of the painted chapel, where he might see Saint Laurence pictured with his Grid-Iron whom perhaps he might take to be some Popes read Herring Broiler, and this alone is enough to convince all the World he was no jesuit.  
Some thought he might be a Quaker for his contempt of Magistrates but he differed from that sect in that it was not against his principles to swear, for when he broached any lie upon the Church or Church men, to make it gain the more credit he would ordinarily aver the truth of it upon his conscience, a thing he could never remember himself owner of, yet he would swear by it, just as if Quartilla should have sworn by her Virginity, whereas she had been so long an Whore, that she could never remember her self a Maid.  
For my part I incline to believe he was a Presbyterian for these two reasons, first because he would lye and slander like that old caluminator the Devil, and secondly because of his obstinate humour to resist any command, though never so legally enjoined and this he shew'd to the very last in his earnest request that he might by no means be butted in Flannin, for no other reason then to manifest his contempt of the Law.  
I am now quiter tired with this everlasting subject the cobbler, but ere I end with him I cannot omit to tell you what was in his great and high disdaining mind to have effected ere he died; and truly as Ovid complains to Augustus that it grieved him more then his Exile to be banished e're he had finished a work he had begun even so it vexed the cobbler more then his death to be cut off ere he had accomplished the design he had in hand, which was this. The cobbler having it predicted it to him either by his own false spirit, or by some of the self designing Jesuitically principled conventicle Leaders, that the present Parliament upon this their present meeting would be dissolved, had designed to gallop, go, ride, and run over all parts to stir up the people to give their votes for such new Parliament men as would be sure to pass the Bill for such a toleration; to this intent he was resolved to undergo all pains and perils, by posting up and down to carry the conventicle Leaders impious exhortations, to scatter their pamphlets or use any other wicked means he should be put upon by those his instigators, who having that one absurdity of Liberty of conscience, once granted them, know very well that a toleration of all their guilded impieties will of necessity follow.  
Doubtless the cobbler had been a stout stickler for them in this project, had not envious death robbed them, and the Gallows of him, but for all he's gone, there are many conventicle Leaders, who have proceeded in this design with such success, that they make no question but a little time will effect what they so much affect.  
That they may get this mysterious, but profitable thing called Liberty of conscience conceded, they have, and do still practise the Method of the Devil tempting the Frailty of the Wife, who being deluded her self commonly draws her Husband in to be a Fool with her for company.  
They know very well 'tis no hard matter to deceive silly women whose sex hath ever been Famous for credulity and devotion and therefore it is that as the Devil began with Eve to beguile Adam, so they first set upon the Wives with their desembled piety that they may more easily gain the Husbands to their side, who either out of Love cannot, or fear dare not deny the demands of their Wives though never so impertinent, but give their votes for a toleration abroad because forced to it at home.  
They easily led away captive silly women, who being no less fond of strange Doctrine then they are of strange flesh, do more readily admit them into their hearts, houses, purses, and beds, but men being of sollider Judgements and deeper understandings do not so readily submit, their reasons to be tyrannized over by conventicle Leaders but discern their fraudulancy through some cra●y or other of their self ended dissimulation, hence it is that look into any conventicle you find so few Men and so many Women.  
Mother Shipton prophesied that seven women should follow one man, but behold here's a greater wonder come to pass in our time for now a days itis an ordinary thing to see not 7 but sevenscore women follow one single simpleton that can but pretend to the Spirit and talk Familiarly with his Maker.  
These Women that make conventicles swell thus, are for the most part either discontented wives, melancholy widdows or stale Maids who for their foul shapes, ill looks and worse conditions despair of ever having Husbands; having been crossed in their loves or thwarted in their ambition they presently turn abandoners of the World, and as in Italy, such run into cloisters, so in England into conventicles, they first run out of their wits for love, jealousy or anger, and then run out of the Church to the next conventicle Leaders, who by their strict profession o● zeal for liberty of Conscience, and cunningly applying texts of Scripture, to their Fancies possess them in such sort that the powerful word of God assisted with the rhetoric of Divines is not of efficacy sufficient to reclaim them to the Church, but they cry they have soft hearts and tender consciences when alas all their tenderness and softness lys in their heads, and they may be better cured by Doctor Graves, More-fields physic then any Doctors Divinity.  
The men that resort to these conventicles for the most part either want wit, honesty or Government over their wives, I need not say much of their dispotions, for by the sign that nature hath hung our conjecture may be made what qualities they have within, there are few good countenances, amongst them and therefore few good conditions are to be expected from them you may ordinarily see discontent or Folly in their looks, and for my part I can say that I scarce ever beholded an ingenious Face amongst them, neither can the conventicle Leaders, boast of many handsome she proselytes amongst them, for their's not one of them can say as Juno did to Aeolus, sunt mihi bis Septem puaestanti corpore Nymphae.  
But theirs many of them can say sunt mihi bis centum deformi corpore Vernae.  
I remember I have red of a good Pope in former time, who seeing some british Captives exposed to sale at Rome, was moved with pitty that so handsome shaped and well complection'd people had not the light of the Gospel amongst them, and thereupon sent some over into Brittanny to instruct them in Christianity, but I believe that had they been no better aspected nor handsomlyer composed then those which conventicles for the most part consist of, he would not have been so enamoured of their persons as to wish their Souls so well.  
As the bodies of all conventicles are generally deformed so the mayor part of the heads of them are but Minors in comlyness for my part I know few conventicle Leaders so handsome that if I met them in a morning I might presage to myself good luck that day, as the Romans used to do when they met comely persons, but rather I should judge the meeting of one of these scarecrow Divines fatidical as Septimus severus did the meeting of a Blackamoor, but their aspect is not so terrible to me as to hear them so frequently bawling in Conventicles, for considering that these kind of Ravens croack'd mighty loud before that shower of blood fell in our Land, it may be an omen that the like deluge is now threatened.  
If we strictly inquire into the originals of these conventicle leaders, which make all this ado in the Nation, we shall find that more of them came our of the four and twenty companys then Universitys, and that more belong to Halls then colleges who becoming free men in Divinity, ere they had served an apprenticeship in the University, because they cannot now keep open shop, are turned Journeymen prayers and preachers to as many as are so mad as to hire them. Thesemen have for the most part but little wit, but they have the fortune to persuade others to have as little sense as themselves they wriggle themselves into favour with a company of Pettycoat converts, and think they have power to led about a Sister or a Wife, as well as Paul, ask any of them how they dare be so bold as to preach and they are ready to say with Paul, Woe is unto me if I preach not the Gospel, but woe is unto the Gospel, for being preached by such as these, and may not they as well prove the Lawfulness of their Cheating the World from Jacobs cheating his brother Esau? They are fuller of Texts then Proofs, yet they will make pretty fond interpretations of Scripture to tickle the minds of their proselytes, and very cunningly wrest a Scripture to defend their unwarrantable practices by, but the Devil had his Scriptum est's as well as they.  
They have the voice of Tragaedians, and the gesture of Comedians, and act the Hypocrite to the life. They ramp and tear in the Pulpit as though they would pull their Maker out of Heaven, and keep such a bawling in their Prayers, as though they either bid defiance to the Magistrates, or thought God was not amongst them; but when they pray for the King, they fall their voice as though they were afraid their Prayers should reach Heaven, and I believe that their praying for the King is but as an honest person once prayed for Oliver, who in's prayer said; And since O Lord we are commanded to pray for our Enemies, we beseech thee to be merciful to the Lord Protector, leaving him thus like a Plague infected House, with a Lord have mercy upon him.  
Others there are of the Conventicle-Leaders, that have Learning indeed, but withall some humour or other, that( as the wild Gourds spoiled the porridge) marreth all: They are peremptory in asserting their own Opin●ons, not caring what Troubles or Combustions they raise in the Church, so that they can but maintain their own fancies.  
Others are of strange complaining humours, obstinate, pettish, froward, and as various as the Neutrum modo, mas modo vulgus, no Government or Governours can please them long, but they will continually find fault.  
Some men are for all times, but these men I am now speaking of are against all times. They wished for the rightful Monarch e're they had him, and now they have him they would live Anarchically under him: The truth is, they are men composed of nothing but Discord, and therefore 'tis no marvel if the vocal and instrumental Harmony of the Church cannot recreate them; they are of black melancholy Constitutions, and therefore no wonder if a white surplice offend them. They know that their Sermons would be no more the worse, if preached in a surplice, than the last Lord Mayors Dinner would have been if he had entred the Temple with his Sword down, yet they stand upon their punctilios, and rather then be constrained to come to the Lord's Table in clean linen, they'l in a slovingly way make a private meal in a Chamber, and there's many of their followers that will refuse the bread of Life, if not served up after their own nasty way.  
Others there are of these Conventicle-Leaders, and that a very considerable number, who encouraged through the hope of gain and preferment, engaged themselves so far in fomenting the late Rebellion, that they think they cannot in honour now come back; besides, what would their followers say, who have known them Rebells formerly, should they now turn honest men? Yet there's some of them could withall their hearts shake hands, and be friends with the Church of England, could the World as clearly forget, as the King hath mercifully forgiven, what they have done against it. This is the party there is most danger of; for the others only feed upon the Ulcers of the times, and like Physicians, are best in distempered times: But these stand stiffly to their Old base principles, and do all they can to bring all into Confusion again. They are immoderate in their Demands, and high in their Carriage, as though they meant to make the Church compound for its Peace, and the King for his Quiet, upon their own terms: Ask them to condescend to any proposal, and they are resolved before hand to deny it, like Alexander the Great, who swore to the ambassadors of the Lampsaceni before-hand, that he would do every thing contrary to what they requested. And this nature they sufficiently manifested in their peremptory Carriage, in the Treaty at the Savoy, where the Bishops met them with Arms open, ready to embrace them, but they behaved themselves so there, as though their main business were either to obtain a denial in their Demands, or to tell the Bishops plainly that it was as much in vain for them to expect that they would ever be friends to the Church of England, as for the Romans to have hoped for peace from Hannibal, when as he had sworn to be their perpetual Enemy; nay, further should the Bishops have descended to ask them, wherein they might do them any acceptable office, assuring them their requests should end in no denial. I believe, there were some of that Legation, from the Disaffected party, could with all their hearts have answered as Demochares, one of the Athenian ambassadors, did King Philip of Macedon, in such a case, telling him that the only way for him to please the Athenians, was to take a Rope and hang himself.  
They so exercise their Enmities against the Church of England, that they leave no room for Reconciliation; and that Exclamation in Homer, seems to be the Motto of their inclinations to the Church.  Aut tu me tollas, aut ego te. 
They are a sort of Animals, ferae naturae, they are gone from the Church, sine animo revertendi, like Noah's Dove, they went out from it, but like Noah's Raven, they will never return again: They have the ambition of Caesar, for they would rather be the Heads of Conventicles, than the second men in the Church of England. They say now they are for the King, but 'tis but just like the unfortunate Essex's, crying out for the Queen; 'tis true, they would have the King reign, but 'tis with this proviso, that they may rule.  
The Christians of old, wanted not power but will to free themselves from the Tyrannous persecutions of the Heathens and infidels, but these kind of Christians want not will but power to throw off the legal Instunctions of the Magistrates of Church and State, who are their fellow-Christians, and never offended them, but in their desire to amend them.  
They are too ambitious to be Devout, and all their strict profession of Zeal, Justice and Piety, is for nothing, but to disguise their secret and ambitious self-ends; all their crying down the Bishops is out of no other design than that they may come up, and to this end alone it is that by their scandalous imputations and false suggestions sometimes in Conventicles, and always in private conferences, they daily detract from their honour, and represent them to their abused followers unworthy the places they hold. They slander their Actions, deride their Vesture, and do what they can to lessen their Authority, that they may thereby( like true Sophisters of Hell) undermine the power of the Prince.  
They Nick-name the virtues of the Bishops with vicious imputations, calling their provident saving for the repair of their Palaces, Families and Relations( which were ruined, decayed, and beggared by such hollow-hearted Machiavillians as themselves) sordid Covetousness, and the liberality of others, extravagant profuseness; and such a construction as this have some of th●m made of the Arch-Bishops. Munificence in erecting to so good an intent that stately Pile at Oxford, saying of it like Judas, to what end's all this wast? might not the Arch-Bishop have expressed his liberality more piously in rebuilding so many Churches, as the money thrown away upon that Play-house( as they call it) would have done; not that they care for Churches, so long as they are under Episcopal Government, any more than Judas did for the poor, but that they may have them ready built to their hands against they come to be Masters, which they hope shortly to be, and to this end alone it is that, Malunt allatrare Episcop●rum famam, quam imitari eorum virtutes, said quam parum haec conveniunt cum officio hoins Christiani cvi nihil legavit servator n●ster praeter pacem suam et charitatis commendationem.  
The Monks and friars in the dawning of the Reformation, that they might beat down the reputation of the reformed Churches, and keep their own scabb'd flock together,  told in their Sermons that the heretics( as they called them of the Reformed Churches) did in their meetings eat Children, and such like Bug-bear-tales, whereby they enraged their abused followers more violently against them: and such like Jesuitical practices do the private gospelers now adays use to derogate from the Obedience due to the Venerable F●the●s of the Church, they have always ready some false definition of Episcopacy that it is nothing but a new word for Popery, or of the Common-prayer, that it is nothing but the Mass in English, or as Blaky the conventicle leader said of it in his Scotch tone, that it was good for nothing but to light a pipe of Tobacco with. And many other unchristian means they have to bring an Odium upon the Government and Governours of the Church, by which their misled proselytes are so inflamed against them, that the men could find in their hearts like samson to burn all the standing Corn rather than the Philistine Church-men should have a tenth part of it, and the Women, if Hemp were hard to come by, would readily, like the Carthaginian Matrons, cut their hair to make Ropes to hang them, but would pawn their Rings, Bodkins, and Thimbles, to supply their own factious Prachers. And I believe there's some of these self-seeking Conventicle-leaders could wish as Caligula did of Rome, that all the Bishops had but one Neck, but yet have hypocrisy enough to cloak their wicked minds with a pretence of zeal for Reformation, which they seem so piping hot with, as though like Porcia, they had swallowed burning Coals, or could spit fire like a Juggler in the faces of them that oppose it, but for all their Sulphurous Zeal, which like Aetna, they breath out now for Religion, it is my opinion they would not burn with the like ardour, should they come to power( which God forbid.) These are the men so cried up for true piety and Devotion now a dayes; Ita enim judicat hoc incipiens et inficetum seculum, eos solos vero zelo censeri oportere, qui intemperanter debacchantur in eos qui iisdem sacris sunt initiati, et in plerisque servant eadem doctrinam extra paucissimos articulos, quibus ad liquidum pervistigandis impar est mens imbecillis Mortalium, in quibus sobria simplicitas et ingenua fragilitatis suae notitia confessioque vincit manem sui fiduciam et periculosam sciendi curiositatem.  
If we strictly inquire into all these Conventicle-leaders course of living, for all their oral sanctity and heavenly looks, we shall find that they are but Men subject to eating and drinking as well as the cobbler. They have not the gift of not erring themselves, for all their freeness to censure others. For all their Meager vissages and thin jaws( which are but results of their pale envy and black melancholy) like Pharaoh's lean kine, they devour the fat things of the Land. They have not altogether the ꝯtinence of Sophocles, nor the sobriety of the Sabines, but in some measure the Luxury of Lucullus, neither are they so moderate in their pleasures of the flesh, as some think they are. Though they sometimes after a full meal fast all day, yet for the most part they feast the night following, eating and drinking like French Ordinary men. Their praying and preaching in a house seems to me but like one of their tedious Graces before their Feasts, for come into any day conventicle or night assembly and you may hear the Jack wherring, which is the measure of their discourse instead of an hour-glass, and so their exercises are longer or shorter according to the quality of the meat that's roasting. If a Chine or a Surloyn of beef be at the fire, it will force the speaker to repetition ere it be ready, and make him sweat and drop like it, ere it be enough roasted, but then he gets some Cordial draft or other to keep his melted grease from his heart.  
These men have not drank of the Clitorian Fountain, that they should be so much out of Charity with Wine, as they would have the World believe, but, so it come not from the Kings head or the mitre, they'l drink it though it come from the Devil Tavern: and some of them with Old Cato, will now and then take a cup too much.  
Did they so much abhor Wine, as they pretend, their followers would not be so ready to present them with whole baskets of it as they are. For my part I believe there's some of them love good Wine so well, that if I heard them bewail the loss of Candia, I should not judge it altogether, because a branch of Christendom is lopped oss, but in a great measure, because the Wine destroying Turk, hath destroyed all muscadine Vines, which were used to yield them such fine preparative and restorative draughts, yet they may undergo that loss with the more patience as long as their Enemy the Turk is withheld from the Canary islands, for sack taken in a larger quantity is as good for a long-winded Saint as muscadine. I will not stand to particularise upon these Conventicle-leaders, as the cobbler did upon the Clergy of the Church of England, but I say of them in general that their Souls, dwell in their senses, and the beastly commendation of eating and drinking well is proper to them all. They have nothing in them that distinguishes them from other men, but an affencted impudence and studdy'd hypocrisy, with which they blear the eyes of the World, and dissemble themselves into people's houses, eating and drinking so long upon their cost, that they have brought the Tap of some of their Estates upon stoop. They are true devourers of Widows houses, and all of them make a gain of their pretended Godliness: though they seem by their zealous Preaching to aim at nothing more than the good of their Proselite's Souls, yet they intermix that Doctrine amongst it. That those that preach the Word, should live by the Word, by virtue of which Text that canting Grocer in Tuttl●-street lays claim to a share of that money which was left to be distributed by five pounds a piece to such a number of Conventicle-leaders, who with their Magical ●eal had infatuated a certain zealot to make his Testament ad tales impias causas.  
Gain is the Mistress they all Court, and all their Devotion tends to that center. Thi● alone makes them so boldly to hazard being imprisoned, ●or by throwing themselves into prison they gain as much as the Broken-Aldermen. For their followers feed them 〈◇〉 with contributions and presents when they are in Custody, that the Magistrates cannot do them a greater injury than to rel●ase them.  
I have heard among this party, that one of them got above two hundred pounds by his weekes Imprisonment, but yet desired his Liberty, because probably it is more advantageous to him, and he attained it by virtue of Prevarication, which set an Offender taken in the manner at Liberty, for want of a little formality in his commitment, but what said Oliver St. John to the Earl of Strafford, pleading for the benefit of the Law. F●●stra legi● auxi●ium implorat qui contra legem p●ccat, and further sai● he, Foxes and Wolves are to be knocked on the head as they are found. ●ut are not these men liker to Foxes, who with the fire-brands of their Zeal put all into combustions.  
And Westminster-Hall had n●ed beware that they ●un not Littleton up into as narrow a Room, as it has run Justinian: for these men aim to have all Laws be given from the Pulpit.  
It is best that all beware of these Sodalitates in time, for there have been too many fatal accidents by them to teach all men the danger of security, and it is manifest that they have proved as destructive to Common-wealths as the Bacchanals of Rome and Athens. And if the followers of these Conventicle-leaders would but open their eyes they might discern that the good preaching they hear is used to ends, that many of them will be ashamed to own.  
But they are still blinded either by their own self-wills, or by the mist of piety, which their leaders cast before their eyes, by which means they can no better judge between good and evil intentions, than Children looking through a green or read prospective, can discern the true colour of the object they behold.  
These men counterfeit Divines so well, that 'tis hard to know them from such, but an Ape's an Ape, though it be like a man, and who with Agesilaus would not refuse to hear one counterfeit a nightingale when they can hear the nightingale her self.  
Thus much I have made bold to say of Conventicle-leaders, because some of them were the Instigators, and all the Approvers of what the wicked cobbler said or did to the scandal of the Church and Church-men, and were not I afraid of bringing a swarm of Wasps about my ears. I could give a more particular account what they are, what they design, why they swarm so, like Padua Doctors, about London, in so much that there's above twenty of them in one Parish, pestering the City worse than ever Venice was with jesuits. Much I could say, and not wrong truth, as they by the mouth of the cobbler did, for they used him but like as the Devil did his Images in former times, but I am afraid I have said more than I shall be thanked for by the factious Conventiclers and Conventicle-leaders: yet if any of that progeny of Momus, blame me for sharpness of humour against them, I tell them that praefervida et ignea eorum ingenia, quae nihil evomunt in ecclesiam praeter atroces minas et inexpiabiles iras, hanc justam mihi moverunt bilem. And that my tender Conscience would not permit me to Court their baseness with respect, and I hope they will not deny me liberty of Conscience. I have said nothing of them but what I either know or believe in my Conscience, wherefore I desire, that they, who are so strongly bent for toleration, would grant me my free opinion amongst them.  
If they blame me for taking their dead lion the cobbler by the beard, and speaking so ill of him now he's gone. I answer, it was because I never either heard or knew any better of him while he was alive: neither would I have fouled any paper with him, or troubled myself to ransack his life thus to the infamy of Non-conformists( against whom I have not an irreconcilable enmity) but that I could not endure a President of so high a nature should pass unregister'd, or not taken notice of. Procopius in his Book de bello Persico tells us how Theophilus finding the Image of an Ape which the Persians worshipped for a God, set it up in a public place, least it should be denied in Ages to come, that the Gentiles once had such a God; and so I lighting upon Ralph walls, whom the Conventiclers and Conventicle-leaders adored for a Saint, have thus set him out to posterity, least hereafter it should be denied that those Nonconformists had once such a Saint as the cobbler of gloucester.  
FINIS.