The Lively CHARACTER of a CONTENTED AND Discontented cuckolded. Ala-mode de Anglitere, By what Names or Titles soever distinguished. With an Apology for, and a DEFENCE of the Fair and Tender Sex. Suited for the Meridian of London.  
I Shall make no Preface to the following Epistle, but as the present State, or Change of the Moon offered this Subject indulgently to my Pen; for the satisfaction of the public, I shall first give you the Character of a Contented and Discontented cuckolded, by first examining and setting forth what a cuckolded is, and then shall proceed to the different sorts, which I shall divide into Three Heads, or Branches: So first what a cuckolded is; 'tis my present opinion, and I believe, Sir, yours too, if you are not a cuckolded.  
That a cuckolded is an He-Moon, a Civil Monster, and a Rational Beast, an Artificial Monster, patched up between Action and Forbearance, which by his Impotence, and his Wife's Incontinence, is soon brought to perfection: If he is Jealous, then he's always in search of that which he fears to find: If he is not, his Horns are generally visible to every Body but himself: he usually lays the Egg of his own Misfortune, and his Wife hatches it, his Fondness makes her slighting, and his ill usage makes her Revengeful: His Imprudence makes her cunning, and his taking her to Plays and Balls, makes her improve it: His Negligence makes her mistrustful, and his Insufficiency makes her unsatiable. In short, he's either a good natured Fool, or an ill natured Knave; for extremes in Fondness and severe usage are the principal Causes of Cuckoldom in general.— Now I find there are Three sorts of these Monstrous Animals, and all three of different tempers, which may properly go under these Names or Titles, 1. The Stagg-Cuckold. 2. The Goat-Cuckold. 3dly, The Ass-Cuckold. And now to examine what the Stagg-Cuckold is? He is the only cuckolded with huge Horns that like a stag, going to the Brook to drink in a Sun-shiney-Day, sees in the Water the shadow of his Horns, being proud of them, he stalks, because he thinks himself better guarded than the rest of the Beasts; and this cuckolded having a very handsome Wife, who maintains him in his Pride with the Sweat of her A— and when his Wants begin to oppress him, he invites all Company home with him, and draws them to his Wife with the eternal praise of her Wit, good Humour, and Beauty; and when he has got them together, he then is glad to find an opportunity of leaving them, in hopes of finding something at his return( for his patience) under the Candlestick to maintain his Pride, and keep his Head strong to bear his Ponderous Horns; so that he for Money takes Pride to have his Horns tiped. 2dly, the Goat-Cuckold, why is he compared to and called a Goat? For this Reason, and Likeness. The Goat cometh to the Brook to drink in manner as aforesaid, and looking into the Water for his Horns, he sees none, because they grow backward: So he walks away, and thinks himself no Beast, nor indeed this sort of cuckolded thinks himself no cuckolded, he can't see his Horns, or at least his Wife is cunning, and Cuckolds him behind his Back. He loves her, she flatters him▪ one kind Word from her confutes all Reason. When he comes home, and having heard abroad the Character of his Wife, he begins to rail in an humble manner, she deceitfully flatters, hatches a Sorrow for his jealousy, and shows it in a thousand sobs, Sighs, and pretended Grief. In fine, she persuades him she is Honest, blames him for his suspicion, and on pretence she remains to him Virtuous; and thus he a poor Contented cuckolded, grafts his Horns behind him, for if he carries not his Wife to every public Entertainment, he thinks he breaks an Article of Matrimony; he's commonly in love with the Cuckold-maker, which being a Man of note among both Sexe●, is talked on more in the Parish where he lives, than the person; for if either the stag, or Goat-Cuckolds be Traders, and their Wives pretty, then they are sure to have good Trade, having one Commodity to help off with the rest; Which reminds me of an old Story of such a Contented cuckolded, where in France, a Noble man falling in Love with a Citizens Wife, leaving no means unattempted till he had made her comply; that Lord being one day at Court, and seeing hi● Female Friend's Husband come to the Palace-Royal, and by enquiry, finding that he had Business to do, which required some time to be dispatched, He slunk away from Court to the Citizens House; but being suspected by the Lady's Brother, who detested the Debauchery of his Sister, forthwith dispatched a Messenger to Court, to acquaint his Brother-in-Law what unhappily he had discovered: The Citizen taking Alarm, takes Coach, and comes Jehu-like to hinder what was already past prevention: The Wife hearing a Coach come in that furious manner, thought her self betrayed, and so advices her Gallant in Bed to rise, and abscond himself in a place she had provided; but hearing one coming hastily Upstairs, for hast left his clothes on the Bed, which she seeing, in as great hast and confusion, threw them into a Chest, but so unadvised, that the embroidered Sleeve of the Coat hung out, of which she took no notice, but fell a dressing her self as not concerned: So her Husband entering the Chamber, said, Madam, I understand my Lord such a one came to vi●t you this Morning, and so I thought he might have Business of Importance to whisper in my Ears and this ma●e me return sooner than expected. The Lady confidently replied, That he was misinformed, for no Body had been with her that Day: So he looking about, espies the embroidered Sleeve hang out o● the Chest, asking whose it was? and how it came there? To which she in subtlety replied, Sir, I b●g Pardon for my forgetfulness, for this Morning a Gentlewoman wanting Money, brought it to show you, desiring to have but 40 Crowns lent upon it. Which he viewing without discovering any Passion, put it on, with Breeches, Hat and Cravat which he found in the Chest; and being thus Lordly attired Cap a pee, like the stag, admires and adores himself, asking his Wife if he looked not like a Lord? Yet pitying the poor Gentleman that owed them, saying, That in all probability he had been at Play all Night, and losing all, was forced to Pawn and deposit his Garments, and so must be then in a could for his Heat of Fancy. So in hast to Court he returns thus accoutred, where being discovered, was brought before the King, and an Answer expected, which was readily performed, saying, That his intent of coming th●ther in that Garb, was to restore them to the right Owner again, being as he supposed, ●ome Courtiers, and perhaps stolen from thence; therefore as he judged the best for the Owner to come by his Goods, was, by Sight more than Description of them. So the King knowing the Owner, immediately sends to the Mercers House for him, and being met with, disguised in an old Black Gown, was brought before the King, which asked him, If he had been a Conjuring? seeing he looked like a Conjurer. To which he replied, That this Morning he had raised the Devil, and laid his Dam, but at last had conjured him into Hell-Hole, and so Laid him. To which the King replied, in Rallery as a Check; If for no other Cause than making such a Metamorphesis, for now a Mercer is chanted into a Lord, and a Lord into a Conjurer. So dismissing them, allotted the Mercer the svit in part of Satisfaction, and the other only shane as a just Reward. So 3dly, The Ass-Cuckold is Jealous without Cause, suspicious without Grounds, and believes all that looks upon his Wife, Cuckolds him, tho' she is honest: He is compared to an Ass, by reason an Ass coming on a Sun-shining-Day to drink( as the stag and Goat aforesaid) looks into the Water, and sees no Horns, but a great pair of Ears, which he takes for Horns, and believes they are so. So a Man had as good be cuckolded as think himself so; he believing like the Ass, he has Horns, goes sloathfully away, lives discontented, plagues his Wife for her Honesty, which is enough to make him a cuckolded. So it is mani●est that the stag and Goat-Tuckolds are the Contented ones; and likewise it appears plain that the Ass is the Disconted one; and all Discontented Cuckolds frets, fumes, swears, swaggers and makes all People privy to their Disgrace and loss of Reputation, complaining of the burden of their Horns, prescribing camphor to their Wifes, a a Remedy for Incontinency, and indeed lashes themselves with their own Disgrace; the last Remedy they have is to try the Law, and there they find ease by Lopping their Horns; and for a great deal of Money, and Disgrace, purchase the salue of separation, to anoint their Forehead, to drive away the headache.  
But now we should examine what is it makes so many Cuckolds in this our fruitful Nation, and who ought most to be Cu●kolds? First, I think the mighty Money'd-Men who mary for Money, knowing their own Insufficiency( after Matrimony is mumbled over) their only care is to find out a handsome Whore, to whom they liberally give part of their Wive's Portion to bear with their Insufficiency▪ and put their Wives to lye alone, which is enough to make the Modestest Woman in nature extravagant with her jointure, and her Husband's copyhold to a young brisk Gallant; and indeed they have a good Argument on their sides, besides Nature, and I think very prevailing: For what were they made for? or at least what were they Married for? They doubtless would not bring a Portion to an Husband without the expectation of something to be returned or performed to make their— merry; and truly I think it is the Mens fault they are such Cuckolds; For if they are not able, why do they mary? If they are, why don't they give due to their Wives? Therefore I see no blame upon the Womens side, for following the Rudiments of Nature, and I think it is but a modest Folly. But as for the Cuckolds I will put them all together, and conclude with this Character, that they are Horned, Cornuted, Scorned, Jealous, Le●…ving, simplo, Patient, Conniving, Contented, Poo●… Good Humoured Animals, which dare not for a●… Empire go an Hunting, left their Dogs take them f●… actaeon, and worry them; They are indeed som●… times resolved to proclaim their shane, but the fear that by that means they shall increase th●… Number of their Wives Acquaintances.  
Since as its observable, itis ordinary with some to exc●aim against Inconstancy, and to decry those which they cause to desert them; whereas at the same tim●… they are glad to have an Example of Change: For it happens but too often that the best established Friendships, tho' they have the most strict Obligations and Confidences, yet often insensibly slacken; and then we seek a Quarrel, and seem to be Angry, to the end of finding some Pretence to set ourselves at Liberty, and since Crimes in the stronger not only pass for Innocent, but also get Honour and Renown by being committed with more Pomp, and a greater number, when Weakness and Innocency is no protection against the Arbitrary Cruelty of a Tyrannical Power; for where Malice and Force is joined in the Prosecution, then Accusing is Proving. And since this wants a President in Heathenish Nations, it will make any considering Person cease to wonder that so little of true Charity is to be found in the Christian▪ Cuckoldom, that Bugbear( in former days as terrible to a Courtier as his Princes Frowns, and more dreadful to an old Citizen than Popery and Slavery) is now advanced to such a Dignity, that it s crept into Great Families, and become the Serious Consideration of the Grand Council; and so far from being thought Scandalous now, that it s grown the most Useful Liberty imaginable in a Married State, and upon occasion serves to dissolve that Gordion Knot which the Priest so craftily ties to the Misfortune of many Thousands, who have unwarily fallen under the fatal Conjugation. So that Milton's advice in the case of Divorce, would be very seasonable; and since it is reckoned amongst the Glories of our Nation, that it s a Paradise for the Fair and Tender Sex, tho' some in my weak judgement can, and must consist in nothing more than the Faithfulness and Activity of the Stonger Sex, which to its shane and great grief of the Weaker, itis observable that there is a very sensible decay, both of the first Faith, and the true Old English Valour. The occasion of all which insufferable Disaster, after a serious Enquiry and Discussion of the point among the Learned, we can attribute to nothing more than the Husband's keeping Misses under their Dames Noses, and of excessively using them; and that new-fangled and abominable Heathenish liquour called Coffee, both which rifling Nature of h r choicest Treasures, and drying up the Radical moisture, has so Eunucht the Husbands, that they are become as Impotent as Age, and as unfruitful as a common Town Jilt, and those deserts from whence that unhappy Berry is said to be brought. So were it not in a Wom●n's power to recompense the Slavery of her servile Station, and revenge the Affronts and cool Neglects she is under a Conjugal necessity of enduring from her Husband, which tho' he be a Creature born to the best advantage of things without him, having the start at the beginning, but loitering it away before the end, looking like his Land, as heavily and dirtily, as stubbornly; the Chief burden of his Brain being altogether the Carriage of his Body, himself being less real than his Title; his Virtue is, that he was his Father's Son, and all the expectation of him is to beget an other, which cannot possibly be, seeing the Wife has but the relics, and Refuse of the Misses. So as was said before, were it not in the power of the weak Sex to recompense and retaliate, having the same Liberty and Property as the Stronger. Would any Charming Innocence is their Senses, think ye, for the sake of empty Honour, and Coach and Six, a plentiful Estate and Table, suffer an old Withered Hand, and Battered Body, to crop the Flower of her Virginity, and waste her Youth and Beauty in Fruitless Embraces, under the p●evish Checks and Snubs of Old Age, and Rottenness, jealousy and Imp●tence, for such counts a chast Man, and Maid; the first an Eunuch; the other a Miracle of the Age; this mistrust in all probability creates jealousy; and what can such a Compound of Infirmities being made, even an Eunuch in the middle Age, by the Debaucheries of his Youth. What, I say, can such expect f om a W●fe possessed of all the Charms and Perfections that can be lodged by Nature in Blooming Juvenility? Can any rationally think that such a Charming Creature endowed with Sense and Spirit, will, or can l●ng endure with patience a Mistress kept under her Nose, which depriving her of he● due, and approaching the Nuptial Bed, expects from her chosen Husband that which the Apostle calls Benevolence, but being deprived of it, m●ets only with a Bed or Bag full of Bones, as sapless as Kixes, and drier than Pumice-stones; this verily would image a she-Bear. So that contrary to the Oath of forsaking all others, and keeping only unto her so long as they both shall live; and also the Laws of both God and Man, and Liberties and Properties of the weaker S●x. I beg leave to make this supposi ion, since as some of the Sex do complain that their ancient Rights and Privileges have not been inviolably preserved, and restored, what if that Sex, supposing and fin●ing their Rights infringed, and themselves imposed upon, which in the beg nning was not so: What, I say, if they finding themselves uneasy, & for a redress should imitate their wise Grandmothers, when the Lurdains were overcome, or turn Amazons, and so like d scontented atoms, to have the privilege of Kent, betake themselves to Cuckolds-Point, which King John dubded, and endowed with Privileges; what I say ●f such atoms should fall there into a Convention, and thence naturally grow into a Parliament of Women, and l●ke the Amazons, choose a Queen to give Sanction to their Laws, do you not think that they would redress all the Grievances of their Sex, by enacting? First, That no Man by what Names or Titles soever distinguished, should violate his Marriage-Oath, by keeping of Mistresses, or brea●ing into other Mens Ground, or drinking too mu●h of the Stygian liquour Coffee, which as woeful Exper●ence teacheth infeebles Nature, that it s no Prodig●… now that the Off-spring of such dwindle into Ap●s, and Pignies, or infernal Consumptive Brats: therefore the Edictwill put every Husband under the Pena●ty of being Cuckolded; if they do not give some other and better Testimonies of their being Men, beside, their Beards and wearing of empty Pantalcons.  
Secondly, That all Parents in the disposal of their Children i● Marriage, make not Smithfield bargains, but match them as ● the beginning, with as much care and prudence as they do the● Dogs and Horses: which would as in them, if not altogethe● mutually preserve the state of Matrimony from any Adultero●●● Invasion, &c. For what understanding usually or Sports-man wil● endure or suffer that an old surfeited Srallion, which is bo●●●oundred, Wind-galled and Spavined, to Leap his Hunting or Running mere which he keeps for Breed; or suffer his Fine Sh●ped Grey-Hound to Bastardise her Breed with an old Mangy-Mung●il: Yet for all that, his Handsome Darling Daughter must be thrown away upon some Old Rich Miserly Curmudgion, which only Marries to palliate his Gouty Pains, and cherish 〈◇〉 ●eeble carcase in the Winter of his Age, by her Warm 〈◇〉 doing Touches, and 〈◇〉 ●●braces: Or else to a Man of honour and Estate, whose chiefest Studies are his Sports, and Vices having spent his best Blood and Spirits in his Mistresses Service: So to his New Bride grows Drowsy, Lazy, Moro●e, and Insufficient; so that the Lady is to be pitied, who either for want of Discretion in her Parents, or her self, has unhappily cast her Pearl before Swine, who knowing not how to use it, gives just occasion to dispose of the precious Jewel to him which can ●●●ver● it to its Natural employment. It's therefore an Unnatural Imposition on the Fair Sex to be thus disposed on; for tho' the Worldly Interest, Obedience to Parents, or Importunities of Relations, may prevail upon them to put Nature in Masquerade, as to be seemingly satisfied.  
Thirdly, If it be further Enacted, That if any Man, whether a stag, Goat, or Ass-Cuckold, that has thought and reported his Wi●e to be virtuous, for which he first loved and afterward Married her, yet by his Unfaithfulness, allienates her Affections, and underhand committeth a base svit to cause disdain, shall not give this Blow which his own 'vice hath caused and given him, or out of Interest and Policy rail s●ddenly at her, for fear he be no●●d for a F●ol and an Ass: but to his, and her Friends, and Relations in private i● may say, that his judgement was blinded by her cunning Disgui●●, ●●d ●nding her without provocation wav●ring in Go●dness, may its confessed in time, openly profess to ●a●● at her▪ b●t with a modestly ●orsooth, as if he was loth to bring his judgement into question; nor would he do it but as a ●hristian, preferring Truth even out of his own reach; and ●… ranting that Bishop Cozen's Argument is true▪ and valid, viz. ●… hat those Canons which governs the Spiritual Court in the ●atter of Divorce, are but the relics and Remains of Popery. ●… nd so not obligatory to us of the Reformed Religion: But with ●… ll humble Submission to my Superiors, I beg leave to say, that ●… o Divorce for what Cause soever, unless the Person be Innocent, ●… nd not Guilty of the same Sin, can be accounted Lawful, that the Person Divorcing may mary again; and this I gather from our Saviour's own Words, which are mentioned by St. John 7. from the 4th Verse to the 12th. The Pharisees bring a Woman to him taken in Adultery in the very Act, which was not only Divorcing, but Death by the Jewish Law. Now the Accuser going beyond all suspicion, Surmise and jealousy, in taking her in the Act; one of which I will beg leave to suppose to be her Husband, with Witness sufficient, and our Saviour being one of the Sanadrim or Seventy Judges, before whom they brought her to be tried, they telling him that Moses commanded that such an one should be Stoned to Death; But what sayest thou? &c. This they temptingly said, that they might have to accuse him, v. 5. But lifting up himself, thus replied, That he that was without Sin, let him first cast a ston at her. Which is as much as if he had said, You Pharisees, or thou Husband, and ye Wi●nesses that know and find that according to Law her Crime being thus plainly proved by sufficient Witnesses, and her own Confession deserves Death: So if either You or her Husband, whose Hands by the Law must be upon her first, or any of you Witnesses be without Sin, or Innocent, cast according to the Law, Stones at her till she die. So both her Husband, and others, being Convicted in their own Consciences of guilt, went out, and left her alone; Which when Jesus seeing, asked her,( vers. 10.) If no Man had condemned her? To which she Answers, No man Lord. To which he replies,( vers. 11.) Neither do I condemn thee, go and Sin no more. And since for his Releasing and not Condemning her according to Law, they had or could have no advantage to accuse him; And also his not Divorcing of her, by causing the Husband to give her a Bill, which Moses, as he confesses, commanded, Matth. 20.7, 8. where he tells them, That Moses caused and suffered such things, because of the hardness of their Hearts, but in the beginning( before Moses was) it was not so.  
So to conclude, you see, that Confessed and Proclaimed Cuckoldom is nor was not only Christian, but Jewish also.  
FINIS.   

licenced according to Order.  
Sold by the Booksellers of London and Westminster, 1700.