image of devils grabbing a woman 
THE POLITIC WHORE The second and last part.    

THE LONDON JILT: OR, THE POLITIC WHORE.  
The Second and Last Part.  
SHOWING, All the Artifices and Stratagems which the Ladies of Pleasure make use of for the Intreaguing and Decoying of Men; Interwoven with several Pleasant Stories of the Misses Ingenious Performances.  
LONDON, Printed for Hen. Rhodes, next door to the Bear-Tavern near Bride-lane in Fleetstreet. 1683.   

THE LONDON JILT: OR, THE POLITIC WHORE.  
The Second and Last Part.  
AFTER that I had thus deceived the Hop Merchant, and had removed with my Virtuous Mother into an other Lodging, a certain Spark who for his Money enjoyed my Favours, brought an other with him, when that we had dewlt there about seven or eight Months, who was a Widower, and drove a great Trade in Tobacco. This Man was about 23 or 24 Years old, but in a little time I observed by his Discourse, that he was a Man of great experience in things that had any Conformity with my way of living, as also in all the Circumstances, that are proper for the gaining a Woman's heart, and more Capacity could not have been expected in a Man of three times his Age; he being still so young, I was amazed that he used his Wife at that rate, as to dispatch her so soon, and I began to rally him upon the business, but he had his Answer so ready, that I might say, I had found the Man I wanted. Amongst several other Discourses that he held me, Without doubt (said he to me with a smiling Countenance) after having been married only five or six Months, Death would not have deprived me of an ungly Wife, when I only Married for the sake of her Riches, than to furnish me with the Convenience of choosing another adorned with so many Graces and Charms as yourself. I took little notice of these Words, because I thought they proceeded more from mere Civility, than from a Heart truly sincere. However I could well enough bear with 'em coming from his Mouth, and listen to 'em, both for that he was a handsome Man and very advantageously rich, as I was assured by him that brought him to me, so that there was a Pleasure in hearing one's Praises from such a Person: and for my part I was very well satisfied with him, which made me show him a much more Familiar and Amiable Countenance, than I was used to do to any other in a first Visit; for certainly though Women may show themselves something Disdainful and Coy, when Men exalt their Beauties in their Presence, and though they make a show of giving no ear thereto, yet I protest there is nothing they believe more easily. Wherefore the Spanish Proverb says very patt, and to the Purpose, Tell a Woman but once she's handsome, and the Devil will tell it her a thousand times afterwards: And this is very true, for those Words run so much in their Heads, that it often breaks their Rest, and even there is not one how ugly and misshaped soever she may be, but taxes the Republic of Venice, of having used falsification in regard of her Glass, rather than believe that she is wholly so as Nature, and the Course of Years have made her, such a strong fancy have these poor Creatures that Beauty is an inseparable Propriety of the Female Sex.  
In a few days after, this Tobacco Merchant came to visit me again, and besides, that being so well made of his Person, he could not but be agreeable, he had such Pleasant Discourses, and he knew in a short time so well to insinuate himself into my favour, that one Night I graced him with half of my Bed, with a firm Confidence that he knew how to move the rest of his Body as dextrously as his Tongue; and truly I was not at all deceived herein, for he was so great a Master in that Profession, that Aurora sooner approached than I could have wished it, and found us lying and panting in one another's Arms.  
This caused a great Amazement in my Mother, for I had not yet received from that Lover any Benefit of any great Importance; whereas otherwise I never permitted any one should obtain the least Courtesy from me, till after having frequented me a long time, and that I had drawn from them as much Money, as I could imagine to have an Obligation to them; but one of the three Torments, which torment the Minds of Mortals, now by the Flesh had so unmercifully disquieted me since the first time I saw him, that in the Night I could hardly hold my Legs still, when the Thoughts I had had in the Daytime came to renew themselves in my head, so great is the Power of a Man in the Heart of a Woman, when his Tongue is well hung and he is handsome of Person, and when they begin to maintain together a particular Converstion, and that one finds that these Parties ought not to yield to one another. I certify to you according to the experience I have had thereof, and all Women who have so open and frank a Heart as mine, will confess as well as I do, that there is nothing under the Sun that has such powerful Attractions, and that the Loadstone cannot have more Virtue to draw Iron and Steel towards it, than those Parts have to attract one another Reciprocally.  
We had for about six Months spent our time in this incomparable Divertisement, without however my being in any manner obliged to abandon my other Lovers, who tickled my Toby, and paid me for it sufficiently (for my Tobacco Man who had not the Civility to honour me of his own Motion, with any thing of value, and whom I never solicited to give me any thing, because I bore him too great a Love, and was afraid of losing him) knew very well that I could not maintain myself in my Condition with wind, and he did not seem to be very much disquieted upon this account, provided he might have perferably before any other, his Elbow-room with me. We had spent, I say, about so much time in this manner, when that one Morning as we were in Bed in Love and Delight, he began to relate to me how he got acquainted with his first Wife, who had been old, ugly, and rich, and with whom he had made a considerable Fortune, after having given himself to all manner of Debauches during his Youth.  
This Relation having already lasted near half an hour without my comprehending what all these things tended to, he asked me after a serious manner, if I would abandon this Libertine and disorderly way of Living, and if I could live contented with one Man who loved me from the very bottom of his Heart? I made him answer in the Affirmative, and that there was nothing I aspired to with more disquiet, unless that it would please Heaven to address a good Man to me, which though I lived in that manner, was not all the same thing to me, but, that with such a Man as he, I knew how to comport myself so honourably and so virtuously, as the discreetest Woman in all the City of London could do.  
And thereupon taking him about the Neck to kiss him, I gave him a hundred Kisses, letting at the same time many Tears trickle down my Cheeks, as if it had been for a sign of my Repentance, for the Life I had thitherto led; I knew besides, so well how to play my part, by assuring him that the first cause that had constrained me thereto, was Poverty, that his Heart began to be moved so far, as that I fancied I saw some Signs of Tears in his Eyes. I easily perceive (said he) that I run a risk to ruin myself by loving you, and that infallibly I shall fall again into my first Condition, if I do not endeavour to make speedy Provision against it, by some means which may help me, for it is absolutely impossible for me to live much longer without you. Since than I must of necessity make choice of one of the two Evils, methinks that it is much better to Marry together betimes, than wait till Old Age, and perhaps Poverty comes. But (added he) be careful that I never find the least Infidelity on your part, and be assured that I have padded this way long enough to know all the Turn and Wind of it; thereupon he was going to make a considerable number of Threaten, but I stopped his design by as many Vows, which I thought were necessary for the imprinting in him good Sentiments of my Person.  
Reader, do not overmuch wonder at the Folly of him who in a short time after was my Husband, for there are so many Men who take Wives who have had to do with other Men for several Years before, that the City of London is able to furnish above Fifty Thousand of that sort of Sparks: And pray you, why should not those poor Devils find Men as well as others, since it is most certain, that by a long experience they have rendered themselves more capable of the business; and that besides they spare those poor Cullies the pains of employing so terrible a strength to break the Fin of an affected Maidenhead? Certainly if you are not yet Married, you will think with yourself, that you would do your business better. And in case there be here and there a Woman who has not given herself up long to this Commerce, and who has not kept Company with many Persons, yet you are not assured that she who shall fall into your Arms, has never had to do with an other. For this is so common in the Age we live, that a certain Clerk of a Church declared to me, that in the time of six Years, during which he had exercised that Charge, there had not been one Bride that had sprinkled the Chancery with her Tears, which has in all times been an infallible sign of a Maidenhead; and if you have not yet lost that yourself, I would yet less advise you to seek out one of that sort, for two Persons who are Novices and unexperienced in Copulation, the Children they get are commonly Fools, which is a thing People ought to be more careful of than any other.  
Some days after that we had held such Discourses together, we went to the Parson to have him Ask us in the Church the Sunday following; but it would be tedious to relate all the Particulars of those Ceremonies, some Children as well as Men in Years are acquainted with all the Circumstances of that matter. Thus I will only tell you, that after the Publication of our Banes, we went to Barnet and were Married there, because if my Dear Husband had kept his Wedding in the City, he would have seen too many Sons-in-Law.  
Thus as soon as we were engaged to one another conformably to the Ceremonies, and that I had removed my goods into a new Habitation; my Husband required of me that I would take a Room for my Mother, because he would in no wise consent she should dwell with us, alleging for Pretext, that that was often an occasion of Quarrels and Trouble amongst young Married People, by reason that commonly young Women depend a little too much on their Parents, which hinders them from acknowledging the Sovereignty of their Husband, and from rendering themselves subject to the Laws of Obedience.  
As I was very much used to my Mother's Company, I imagined at first he did me a great injury, but afterwards having taken all things into serious Consideration, I was overjoyed to find him so resolved; for tho' I had not yet any design of committing towards him any Act of Infidelity, by reason, that to speak the truth, I loved him from the bottom of my Heart, yet I knew very well that there might be such Occasions offered as might make us change our Sentiments, and that in such a case it is better to trust to Parents than to Strangers; which is beyond all Dispute.  
Thus I took two Rooms for the poor Woman; but I charged her to speak but of one to my Husband, on the one side, that he might not complain of so much Money for Rent, and on the other for Reasons which you may learn in the Sequel of this Relation.  
We had not been Married for above a Fortnight, when I took occasion to quarrel with the two Maids, who served my Husband during the time of his being a Widower; for those Maids not being used to a Mistress, and having infallibly heard (as I could easily conjecture by their Discourse) what a Person I had been, they would in no wise submit themselves, nor suffer that an other should have ruled over them.  
In the mean while, I for my part bestirred my Jaws to such purpose, that I kept 'em under, and if my Husband was willing to be at Rest, he was no longer to defer turning away those two Wenches. Which nevertheless he was very loath to do, that by what I afterwards learned from the Neighbours, he had lived a little more familiarly with them than Decency did allow of; but I was obliged to follow the Mode of Women who come to Marry with Men, that is to say, I was to turn away the Maids, that I might have no Contradictions, for that rascality finds so much to blame touching the want of experience in New Wives, that without having the greatest patience in the World they are not to be born with.  
When that all things were thus settled, and in good Order, my Husband began diligently to attend his business at the Change, and to look after his Servants; while that for my part I took care of the Shop, wherein I became in a short time as skilful and as ready, as if I had been brought up to it all my Life, which certainly is no very great Subject of Admiration; for there is no great Art in weighing Tobacco and filling of Pipes.  
In the mean while, all sorts of Merchants and Tradesmen came to our House, tho' with no other Design than to see and discourse with me, while they set a smoking their Tobacco, which cannot be prohibited in such Shops; for I was dressed like a Goddess, and you would have said that I was Queen of all the Tobacco-Sellers Wives. The truth is, that my Husband desired me several times that I would lay aside those Trappings which glittered and made too great a show, but all his Representations were in vain, that Devil of Pride had taken such deep root in my mind, that all his endeavours to destroy it were in vain. Besides I am not the only one who by such means has buttered and nourished her Husband's Brow-Antlets. All Women are commonly proud, and tho' commonly they fall into a dirty sluttishness when they are Married, nevertheless they must have all manner of fine things, that they may not appear less than their Companions or Neighbours, without considering whether their Husband's Incomes can counterpoise that of others. They must have at home all manner of precious Movables and Furniture, and if these poor Cullies will not consent to buy them all they have a mind to, they will never have a good Look nor a kind Word from their Spouses. Besides these difficulties there are several others which are from time to time, for if it happens to those Creatures to have their Bellies full of Pettitoes they must prepare an Equipage for the little Children so rich and so pompous, that they may be an Object of Admiration to all People, and tho' they allege for their Justification, that it shall be but one time for all, however I assure you that as soon as they find themselves again in the same Circumstances, they must again make a Number of Preparations, for during that Interval all those Laces have changed the Fashion, and if the Wife does not follow the New Mode, she can never happily be delivered of the Child she goes with.  
After this manner did I live with my Husband, and though I did not put him to a Hundred pounds' Charge for Clouts, by reason I imagined I should not lie in the first Year, I obliged him however to lay out so much Money for Movables, , Linen, Laces, and several other such like things, that he often scratched his Head, neither more nor less, than if he had had a great many Lice, which put him to that terrible itching. To make short, I took such a course, that in a Year or two our Affairs began to go backwards like a Crab, which my Husband perceiving, and seeing clearly that I should be the cause of his Ruin, if he did not timely prevent it, kept his Purse shut and gave me nothing more than what was necessary for the Maintenance of a House; but because I still received the Money for Tobacco, it was impossible for him to hinder me from stealing from him, so much as in a little time amounted to a considerable Sum, which I gave my Mother to keep for to make use of in case I fell into a Calamitous time, and she also understood how to cheat her very dexterously. However he took notice that his Tobacco lessened and fell short, and that no Money arose from it, whereupon he rattled me the first time very sharply, but seeing that was to little purpose, he undertook to employ an other more powerful means, for one Morning when all the People were gone to Church, having called me into a Back-Room, he represented to me my Duty with such very pertinent Reasons, that I was very sensible of them for above a Week afterwards.  
I could not easily digest this Affront, and tho' after his Anger was appeased, he besought me several times, that I would think no more thereof, protesting that he would never treat me after that manner, provided I would have comported myself as I ought to do, nevertheless, I would not suffer him to touch me for above a Fortnight, and I not only plagued him in that respect, but I also took an irrevocable Resolution of planting two Horns upon his Front, that in no wise should yield to those of Actaeon, and exercise my Body in Labour as strongly as ever did Lais, or Messalina the Wife of the Emperor Claudius.  
I wanted not an occasion to effect all this, for though above two years' time, I had not done the Feat with any Body, nor had I given any one hopes of doing it, my Old Inamorato's failed not still of coming in Crowds to the Door, and even those too who had had all their Lives long an Aversion for Tobacco, had tortured themselves with smoking since that they might have a familiar Conversation, and an honourable access to my House: True it is that they were to be careful how they employed then their time, because that my Husband, who knew very well that I was none of the Chastest, by little and little became very jealous, and for that reason did not look upon any of those with a good Eye in his House, who had in any wise approached me before. This Resolution having been thus taken, I showed myself oftener in the Street, than I had thitherto done, and decked myself so spruce and so fine, that I drew the Eyes of all upon me. Moreover I dispatched my Mother to two or three of my old Gallants, alleging for pretext that she had something to tell them. These went to her Chamber without delay, where she stayed them so long with Impertinent tattlings of one thing or other, until I had notice thereof by a Wench that lived in that House in Quality of a Maid. I went thither finely adorned to see again my ancient Servants, but as if it had been by chance that I met with any one of them there, that I might set the better value upon my Commodity, I showed myself too Coy and Disdainful to amuse myself in things of that Nature, insomuch, that one would have thought it had never been touched with a Finger, and because Desires augment by Denial, I rendered them so hot that they would have given half their Estates, to have enjoyed my Favours, which they were so much the more passionate upon, as that they saw me engaged in Marriage; for that Cursed Folly seems to be naturally imprinted in the Minds of Men, that they love much rather to Commit Adulteries, than to Divert themselves with Whores, which proceeds undoubtedly from that they imagine, that Married Women grant them the Enjoyment of their Bodies out of pure Inclination, though it be however most certain that there are several amongst them who prostitute themselves much more than those innocent Creatures who out of necessity are obliged to gain their Livelihood in Bawdy Houses. And you may be assured you simple Young or Old Lovers, that when a Woman Exposes herself thus by abandoning herself to Strangers, she either does it to get Money or to satisfy her Lascivious Temper; if it be for the first Reason, why should she not endeavour to receive it from an other Person as well as you? And if it be to content her Lust and Lasciviousness, you may firmly believe, that not one Man nor six, are sufficient to extinguish her Flame, and by Consequence you cannot be the only Person that possesses her Favour. In short, after we had thus agreed upon the Bargain for this New Maidenhead, which was not done, until a good quantity of Silver had first of all softened the Humour (for it was particularly for my interest that I played at Hugh Gaffer-Cookes, tho' I was also something provoked to it by the tickling of my own Nature) we retired then into the Back-Room) for I had taken two Chambers for my Mother as I told you before, though my Husband had knowledge but of one, and we there did our Work as Gently and as Pleasantly as we used to do in former times.  
Nevertheless this Life could not last very long, tho' there had never been any dabbling in our Water-Pots, without my Husband's knowing it, he who had padded the same way often in his Youth, yet he took no notice of it, but I easily observed by the coldness of his Carriage to me afterwards, and by all his Behaviour, that he had an Inkling of it; and if he did not tell his mind upon the business, it was for no other reason which obliged him to act in that manner, than to catch me in the Fact, if it was possible for him; but I knew how to manage my Affairs with so much Circumspection, that for a long time it was impossible for him to bring his design about, though the Occasion did often happen, and if he had known my Mother's Lodgings consisted in two Rooms, there would certainly have been a great deal of Bustle amongst us, for I have heard him several times in the Fore-Room, when he came to seek me, while I was taking my Heats in the same moment in the Back-Room, with one Gallant or other, and he had also once demanded of the Tailor who dwelled underneath, who it was that had that Chamber, but I had already provided against that inconveniency, and I had so well won upon that Fellow by two Silver Salts which I gave him, that he made him answer, that he kept it himself for his own use, insomuch, that my poor Innocent Gulley could not discover where it was I took my Pleasure.  
In the mean while, this occasioned our leading a very Pleasant Life at our Home, for though he let nothing appear of such a Conduct, yet he took occasion to quarrel at all things, and often swinged me off, after so rude a manner, as if he had been to have beaten Stockfish to have rendered it supple, which made me conceive such an Aversion against him, that I could hardly any longer bear the sight of him.  
But after that this sorry course had lasted about seven or eight Months, my Mother who was my only Comfort and only Refuge, fell sick and was reduced to that extremity, that she died at the Weeks end, which my Husband was as joyful for as I was sad, because he hoped that when this Block was removed, I should become much the better Wife. He immediately caused all the Movables to be brought to our House that were in the Fore-Room, tho' they were but of very small Importance; for as for the other that I had pinched from him from time to time, and which my Servants had given me for the use of my Body, I locked them up in the other Chamber, which I kept still for some time after the Death of my Mother, without my Husband's knowing the least of the matter. He caused also the Corpse of the Deceased to be brought into our House, and for his own Honour, made a very great Funeral, for without that consideration, he would have rather chosen to have fling it to the Dogs.  
In the mean while, as I daily inquired after some place to exercise my Calling in in Repose and Liberty (for I durst not venture it in the Chamber I kept; because that other Persons very reserved had taken Possession of the Fore-Room, and whom I feared might go and inform my Patron if they perceived that Men came Crowding to me there, to which, my Husband had me often dogged by others, knowing that I had nothing more to do there) I was carried one Evening into Drury-lane to a Widows House, by one of my Gallants, whom I met with by chance. The Widow kept a Maid, of eighteen or nineteen years of Age, to whom she gave leave to get Money by the sweat of her Body, that she might appear in an honourable Posture, and for that purpose she imparted her Talon to some Gentlemen advanced in Years, and of a calm Humour, of whom every one had his particular day assigned him alone, that the others might not be taken notice of. Besides this Maid, there came also sometimes when occasion required it, some married Woman or other whose Husband and she could not agree together as they ought to do, and who for that reason transported herself into that place, that she might live with another in Peace and Diversion, so that this Old Woman kept a Bawdy-House of Citizen's Wives; but after that I began to frequent it, the others had not much Practice there, for so rich and stately Apparel as I usually wore, tho' it had not been accompanied with a Beautiful Face, might easily attract the Admiration of a Troop of men, and especially they all have something of the Nature of Germans, who had rather have to do with an ugly nasty Quean in fine , than a Beautiful Maid in a Plain Dress.  
This House of my Landladys pleased me extremely, and I could willingly have continued longer than my Frequentation (for Money came rolling in apace) if an unhappy Accident had not brought the business almost all to nothing. My Husband told me one Morning that he was to go settle some accounts, and for that purpose within a Week or eight days, he was to take a Journey to Northampton and some other places thereabouts, as indeed, after having made great Preparations for his Journey, he took his leave of me at the time he spoke of, with Testimonies of Affection, much greater than ordinary. You may very well think, that I was not very sad at his Departure, for I promised myself that during that time, I should have Elbow-room, and might heap up a Sum of Money; which I had so much the more reason to do, as that I was to make my escape, when I had provided myself with the Profits that I had honourably gained by the Labour of my Body, as also all that I could scrape up in the management of our Trade and Housekeeping, that then I would withdraw for a long time, and Exchange London for some other Town, which proceeded from the Aversion I had conceived to my Husband, since the first time he had chastised me so severely. This Aversion was increased to that degree, that I had all the Pains imaginable to bear the sight of him, wherein I resembled most Women who are commonly blind in all their Passions, and are so violently passionate in their hatred or their Love, even most commonly without any Cause, that they exceed all Bounds.  
Three or four days after that my Husband was gone, I went to my Widow's House, and gave her to understand, that I should have henceforward the occasion to be employed in the Service of an honest Man without running any Risque; and certainly I was not long without putting in Practice so laudable an Exercise, and there presently after a Man came in who approached me, and who having an ugly Wife, diverted himself sometimes with those of other men's, though perhaps he would have done no less, if he had had a fair one; for even the most dainty Meats cause at length Disgust, if you eat them continually. It seems as if Nature for the Mortification of Honest Women, has so deeply imprinted this abominable desire in the Hearts of Men, that they cannot get rid of it. And methinks they would be in this Case in less manner excusable, if they sought after Women, tho' none of the greatest Beauties, yet who ought not to yield that advantage to the others, that belong to them; but O! the Prodigiousness of disorderly Love: We see Husbands who have Wives as beautiful as Angels, who nevertheless run after Wenches, who are more deformed and ugly than if they were Devils; but if those Women did as I was used to do, I am sure that those Gallants would find themselves much more assiduous at their own Homes, for fear that during their absence, their Wives should dishonour them in making them bear the Arms and Crown of the Cornutors: And why should our Freedom be less than that of the Men, in what concerns the violation of the Conjugal Oath? Perhaps I shall be answered as to that point, that this is the cause that Families are bastardized; but where can one find a Medium in this Affair, and if all those who fall into such extravagancies, govern themselves after the same manner that I did, let 'em take my word it would be a great Prodigy if ever they come to Bastardise a Family for the Field produces abundance of Herbs, but the Highway has not this advantage; from whence comes then this disorder, unless it be that Men have established Laws; and when once the Women shall have in their hands the Helm of the Government, things will have another Bias? But not to Moralise too long upon this Point, and not to suffer myself to be transported in this manner by the fervency of my Zeal, I may once more return into the way I ought to keep, and pass over such things as are the least necessary to my Subject; for will it not be better in imitation of the Shoemaker, I hold exactly to the form of the Last, since besides, my Wit is not strong enough to make such like Sallies, and that tho' they should be done pat and to the purpose, I shall only lose my time in employing my Leisure therein?  
Wherefore to return to my Subject, I will tell the Reader, that three days after that my Husband was departed, that  Widow came to my House, and besought me, since too I had no Body to be afraid of, that I would come and spend one Night in her House, protesting to me, that I should have to do with a Man, that she would be Surety that I should be well paid by. I asked her what sort of Man it was, and if I had never had his Company before. Thereupon she answered me in the Negative, and that he was of an Humour not to be known by any Body. I remained a long time wavering if I should conclude or no this Bargain: For to pass a whole Night out of my House, methought too difficult a matter to effect, without my Servants having some knowledge thereof or some ill suspicion; and as for worldly benefits I would not have hazarded myself so far; for these Creatures are often filled with Malice, and when they have once discovered that you have committed any such fault, you are always afterwards under their Protection, without its being possible for you to shake off this Yoke in any manner, and there is danger that their blabbing and long Tongues may make you lose your honour, or at least your good reputation. Now as for your honour it is to be supposed absolutely lost, when those Queans of Maids have once began to observe your Actions and Criticise your Conduct.  
Nevertheless, as the Power of Money has ever had an absolute Dominion over my Mind, and as I was in hopes to behave myself so well in my Affairs, that no Body should know any thing thereof, I promised to come to her accordingly, upon Condition that it should be after eleven of the Clock, and that I should stay no longer than five of the Clock in the Morning; for it was in Autumn, which is a Season dark enough to come back to one's House without being taken notice of by the Neighbours. I protest to you, Dearest Madam (said the Widow, as soon as I had given her my Word) that I shall be obliged to you all the rest of my Life: For that Gentleman told me this morning, that he has been so transported with Love for you these two or three days last passed that he has seen you, that he promised me three Guinneys, in case that by my means he could bring about his Design: From whence you may conjecture, added she, how great the Recompense will be that you are to expect. These Reasons were the Cause that I made myself very fine, and I intended to make him pay dear enough for my Commodity. But Affairs have not always that Success that People do imagine to themselves; and we often find ourselves very villainously mistaken when that we have not any Suspicion of Deceit and Treachery.  
As soon as it was Ten a Clock our Shop was shut up, as was customary, and our Maids were gone to Bed before Eleven, at which time I was to be at the Rendezvouz appointed; so that I had no reason to fear, because they lay in a Room so far towards the Backside of our House, that tho' they had been awake, it would have been impossible they should have heard me open and shut the Door, tho' I had done it less gently. Whereupon I set out, after having decked myself to some purpose; and having taken a Coach at some distance from our House, I came to the Widows about half an hour after Eleven: I asked her immediately if the Gentleman was yet come? She made me Answer, that he had waited for me above an hour and an half; but that he would not that any one should see him, and that he had given her in Charge, that she should only put me to Bed, and that he would come to me in the dark. I was not over-well pleased with this new Freak of his; and from the Beginning I seemed to have some Repugnance thereto: But forasmuch as that I did not much care so I got but Money, whether it was with handsome or ugly Men: And besides, as I knew, that there are several who have this Maggot in their Heads of not being willing to be seen, imagining they shall not be known again, I was prevailed with at length, and was put to Bed in a Chamber where I had done that Feat several other times, according as Occasions were offered; and there I waited for my Spark whom I intended to fleece to some purpose.  
Presently after, the same Widow conducted this Cavalier to my Bed side, by favour of the Darkness; and he having immediately embraced and kissed me several times, put off his,  and lay softly down by my Side, without uttering one word, but by way of Whispers, and through his Teeth, insomuch that I could never judge by that kind of murmur of his voice if I had had any Acquaintance with him before. Thus after we had passed our time in wantoning and toying, till half an hour after Twelve, he pretended that he would go Sleep; but I could easily hear that he cast out some Sighs by Intervals, which proceeded from the Bottom of his Heart. I was so much amazed at this, that I took the Resolution of going to seek for Light, as soon as I could perceive he was fast asleep, to see if I knew this languishing Lover. A little after I thought that Heaven or Hell (it was certainly one of the two) would favour my Undertaking; whereof there was no other cause, as I imagine, than his Weariness which proceeded from his voluptuous Combat: For we had been very brisk, and heated ourselves to some purpose in our amorous Conflict. Whereupon I got up softly from him, and having put on my Petticoat, I went below, where I found the Woman of the House fast asleep, with the Maid, who was one of Venus' Nuns. Having taken the Lamp which hung still lighted in the Chimney, I went up above again bare footed, with out making any Noise: For I thought it not convenient to awake them: But who can express the Fright and Consternation I was in, when I found that he with whom I had had so great an Assault was my own Husband, who without doubt came thither to convict me of my whoring, after having for a long while had Suspicion thereof. I swear to you, that I was so terrified, that the Lamp had like to have fallen out of my Hand. Nevertheless, as I have always been endowed with a wonderful presence of Wit, I somewhat recollected my Senses, and considering the greatness of the Danger I should be in if he saw me there, I took all my  under my Arms, and went immediately down Stairs, and fling myself strait into the Widow's Bed, who I had all the reason imaginable to suspect had played me this Prank. The Truth is, that I told her, as soon as I had awaked her, that I could not have believed that she would have committed so cursed an Infidelity towards me as to— How, said the poor Woman, interrupting my Discourse, have I done any thing to you that is contrary to the Duty of Civility, Honesty and Friendship. As we had not time to use many words, I asked her immediately who had brought that Gentleman to her House? And having conjectured by her Answer, that she was innocent in this Encounter, as this might easily be true: For before that time she had never seen my Husband, nor set Foot in our House, but only when she brought me this Message. I related to her how all went, begging her Advice at the same time, what was the best Course for me to take in this Occasion. The poor Woman was so troubled and concerned that she could hardly utter one word. I lay apart the Counsel she would have given me. In the mean while, there came a thing into my Fancy, which I thought the most suitable in the world to free me out of that Disquiet. I gave this woman the three Guinneys my Husband had promised her, and engaged to give her as many more in case she would be faithful to me, and declare she had never any Acquaintance with me; then I gave the Damosel who dwelled in the House a Guinney, upon condition she would go lie in my place; and that when my Husband should come to wake, she should by one means or other give him to understand, that during all the Night long he had lain with no other Person than herself. This Damosel, who perhaps had not got so much money in a Fortnight, was easily prevailed upon by such Pathetic Arguments, and the Landlady led her to the Bed in the Dark. This was done with so much Cunning that my Husband had not the least Inkling thereof. When I had disposed all things in due manner, I went out of the House about Three of the Clock in the Night, told the Watch I met with, that I had been at a Woman's Labour, without making known to the Widow, that I had a Design to return thither once again, as I thought I was obliged to do for the better securing my Honour. I only told her, that she should dissemble her ever having seen me, not only to my Husband, but also to all others who had been in my Company.  
But when I had passed through two Streets by the Watch in this manner in the Dark, I asked one of the Watch if he would guard me home to my House; which I did for a reason I am going to inform my Reader of immediately. This Fellow took immediately his Lantern, and without making any further Enquiry while we were going along, and were both talking of several Adventures, I asked him if he would do me a piece of Service, assuring him, that I would honestly reward him. I added, that he would have nothing more to do, than to come about Five a Clock to the House I would show him, and tell the person who should open him the Door, that he must of necessity speak to me in private. He promised me he would not fail upon Condition I would pay him well for his Pains.  
Then I opened the Door as gently as was possible for me to do; where after having in great haste put all things into good Order, I went to Bed with neither more nor less Concern than if I had lain there all the Night long. No sooner had it struck Five, than that the aforesaid Watchman came knocking to some purpose at our Door, without the poor man's knowing of any other Message he had to do there; for I made no other Declaration to him of the Business; but that he was to speak to me in private, and that he was to do it without any Body's being by. I had a Bell hanging by my Bed side, which I rang so long, until that one of the Maids got up, and asked me what I wanted? I told her, that I heard a strange knocking at the Door, and that she was to go, and see who it was that made such a Noise. Betty, so was the Maid called, came back preently to my Chamber, and told me, that there was one of the Watch at the Door, who said, that he had something of Moment to acquaint me with; but that as it was still very dark she durst not open the Door. What a Fool you are, said I to her, what hurt is there to fear from Persons who are set on purpose to hinder others from committing any mischief. Open the Door, added I, you frightful Fool you, and let us hear what this man has to say. Whereupon the Watchman was let into the House, and then into my Room, where, according to the Order he had, he would not utter a word until I had put the Maid out. When I thought he had been there long enough to have told a Message of some Business of Importance, I gave him some Money to drink; and all undressed as I was in my Nightgown, I led him out of the Door. Ah Heavens! cried I, as soon as ever he was gone, wring my hands, and letting abundance of Tears trickle down my Cheeks, Is it possible, is it possible, said I again, that such Actions should remain unpunished! It is a Prodigy, added I, that the Earth does not open to swallow up all alive those who commit such Abominations: And thereupon pouring forth again a Torrent of Tears, I made my Looks seem such that it might have been painted for the Face of Sadness itself. In the mean while Betty considered me as a distracted Person, not knowing what to think of so sudden an Affliction. The Noise I made obliged the other Maid to come running to me, and seeing her Mistress in so lamentable a pickle she began at first to ask what the matter was; what it was that rendered me so sad and so void of Comfort: But I let her ask the same thing ten times over, before I made her any Answer: Howling in the mean while after such a Rate, as if I had been in the greatest Affliction imaginable. My dear Girls, said I to them at length, do not wonder to see me grieve at this rate: I have word just now brought me, that my Husband, whom we thought gone to Northampton, is in Bed with a Strumpet; and in the mean while he daily blames and scolds at me, that we gain nothing by our Trade. Ah! Madam, said Betty, you must not lay all things thus to heart: Perhaps that some of your Enemies have set on foot this Rumour only to grieve and vex you: I would not believe it, continued she, unless I had seen it with mine own Eyes: There is probability enough of its being so, replied I, for I am told the very place, insomuch that we cannot be mistaken: Let us but go thither immediately; for it is impossible for me to live any longer in the Uncertainty of this Business: Thereupon I bid Betty dress her, as I did myself, and thus at Break of Day we went together to Drury Lane.  
As soon as the Landlady had opened the Door, I gave her a wink, which served for a Signal, that she should not contradict herself; and at the same time turning towards my Maid, I asked her if we had hit the right place, and if there was any need of enquiring any farther? The Landlady looked fixedly upon me, just like a Ninnihammer, not knowing what to think of my Proceed. In the mean time up Stairs we went, where my brave Spark was asleep with a Damosel lying by his Side. What do you think, Betty, said I to my Maid, and am I now in the wrong? And could you ever have believed that this Rogue should so violate the Oath of Fidelity; and dost thou not see that by his disorderly Life I shall at length be reduced to Poverty and Begging? Ah, pursued I, how wretched are women when they have such Husbands! Ah, how great is their Folly, and their Error, when they believe the Protestations of these deceitful men, who exalt above the Clouds that pretended Affection wherewith they flatter the poor Sex! These words were still accompanied with many other Lamentations, and made such a noise that they awaked my Husband; who with his Eyes half open, and seeing me as one dressed, and by his Bed Side with my Maid; and seeing also another Woman lying by him, was in such a Maze, that he could hardly utter a word. He looked upon her incessantly, and lifted up his Eyes towards Heaven, as it were to have Compassion of his miserable Condition. Well Spark, well Gallant, said I to him, seizing him by the Sleeve, there needed not much time to finish your Journey, since the places are no farther distant than our House. But, added I, we shall take care henceforward, with the good Pleasure of God, I shall prevent this Damosels possessing my place, though, pursued I, the best course would be that I troubled myself no farther, but absent myself from you. By that means I shall avoid the Danger there is of being infected with some filthy contagious Disease, which such a Life as you lead must infallibly plunge you into sooner or later. In the mean while my Husband leaped out of Bed, and called the Maid aside, whom he asked where I had lain that Night, while I pretended to scold with the Wench and Landlady, who were no less frighted than if the Sky had fallen upon their heads.  
That poor silly Maid, who was not over well acquainted with my Tricks, protested to him upon her Conscience, that I had been all the Night long in Bed at our House, and began to relate to him after what manner we had had Notice of this Affair. He was a long while without uttering so much as a word, holding his Eyes fixed upon the Floor; but at length he lifted them up to look upon me after a terrible manner. I am, said he then, I am deceived on the one side or other; however, I do really fancy, that I heard your Voice more than once this Night; but, added he at length, I ought to have considered on your Bitchery before I married you; But you may well fear the Effects of my just Anger, if ever I catch you in a Fault; and for your parts, said he, turning towards the landlady and the Whore, who had lain with him, you shall know in a short time, that I have practised the world too well not to be jilted and laughed at with Impunity. Thereupon he put on his Sword, and went out of the Bawdy-house, without giving Ear to a word more, which I was not very sorry for, because I was still in the greatest Disquiet imaginable, fearing the Widow or Whore would come to contradict themselves; and for my part, that I might no longer be exposed, I thought convenient to follow my Husband's Example, insomuch that I left those two women in so great an Amazement, that I do not believe, that they ever were in such a Condition.  
Being returned home, I found my Husband in the Shop, leaning upon one of his Arms, and full of so many Thoughts, that he took Notice neither of me nor the Maid; but a Volley of injurious Language and Curses which I fling in his Teeth, quickly awaked him out of his Dumps; yet as he had reason enough to take another Course (for as I have already told you, he had heard me rail against him more than once) he held his Peace, and went behind the Counter: But his Looks made me sufficiently observe, that he had not an over firm Belief, that I had passed that Night in our House. I afterwards took incredible Pains to learn who it was that had carried my Husband into that Place; But I could not discover it till a long time after, when that by chance I found a Letter that cleared the Business, and which the Reader shall be acquainted with in the Sequel of this History. After this Adventure we were about three weeks without setting our Horses together: But to confess the Truth, it was not that I was afraid of any Venereal Infection, My only Disquiet, was, that one Night or other he would play me some Prank, which I should keep the Remembrance of all the rest of my Life. However we terminated at length our Quarrel, and the two Parties were again reconciled to one another: But the first Night of our Reunion was not so well solemnised as my Husband had done when we lay together at another Lodging in Drury Lane, tho' I infallibly believe there was no other Cause that obliged him to make then so great an Effort, than to hinder me from having any Suspicion, and to reward me afterwards to some Purpose for those willing and vigorous Repartees.  
Perhaps that some innocent Creature will imagine, that the Constitution of his Thing, and his way of Performing should have made me sensible with whom I had to do: most of those  Maidens may be pleased to know, that there are so many of those Instrumets which resemble one another in Length and Bigness, that there is no great Reliance to be had thereupon; and that you may not be obliged to believe me alone, inquire of all those brave Women, who abandon themselves sometimes to others than their Husbands, they will undoubtedly affirm the same thing, unless they are desirous to disown what they are and what they do. Since that dear Night with which far from gaining me a considerable Sum of Money, as I had been made to hope for, had made me disburse sufficient to have purchased those two above mentioned Women, I durst not set my Foot again into that house; and I had very seldom the opportunity to go into other Places, by reason my Husband seldom let me go out without having some body to keep me Company. This way of Living, was very tedious and troublesome to my humour; and yet I was constrained to submit to it if I intended to make my Husband believe that I played him no foul play. In the mean while my Lovers were continually poaching about our house, which was the greatest Punishment to me in the World: For besides my knowing how to make my Markets with them, there were some of 'em whose Embraces pleased me much more than those of my own Husband, who daily became more and more insupportable to me: Yet at length I had an Opportunity to have an amorous Ticket delivered to two of them, frm whom in a little time I had gained by my Service a passable Sum of money. Whereupon I wrote to him, that the day following between eleven and twelve, I would meet him at a certain Tavern in Covent Garden, which had the Reputation of a Civil House, and was so indeed to Ladies, and a great Nursery of Gallantry.  
I had several times been in this Tavern with that Gentleman, to whom I was well assured they would not refuse him any Conveniencies, by reason they could not in any wise tax him of being stingy and avaricious. Besides, the appointment of this Rendezvouz, I set down to him the manner after which he was to comport himself in this Juncture of Affairs, adding to him, that I expected no Answer from him, that so we might not be hindered in the Prosecution of the Design I had.  
The day after I pretended going to the Market, and my Husband having sent one of the Maids with me, according to his Custom; we walked very modestly along, till we came just before the Tavern, where I was sure my honest Spark had taken all the necessary Orders; as we also found in the twinkling of an Eye: For a Drawer and one of the Maids were before the Door, where they made a Show of tickling one another; but another Drawer in the Balcony, pretending as if he did it to spoil their Sport, poured upon us a Chamber-Pot full of Water, insomuch that it ran from our Heads to our Toes. I turned myself immediately, and tho' I had given order for this in my Letter, yet I made so horrible a Clamour, that in a Moment there were above Fifty persons before the Door.  
In the mean while the Landlady came out to me, and desired me with the most Civil words imaginable, that I would do her the Honour to go into her House, saying, that she was extremely sorry that the Drawer, by a piece of insolence, which nevertheless he should pay dear for, had brought that Mischance upon my Head. At first I seemed wholly averse to make use of her offer; but at length my  were so wet, that I made a Show of finding myself forced to accept of it. I went into the House, and so into a little Room, where Faggots were immediately lighted. Presently after I sent my Maid home, tho' she was little drier than myself, that she might go fetch me other Apparel; which she could not do, nor put on fresh  herself in less than an hours time. The poor Creature trembled with Cold, and would willingly have stayed by the Fire a little longer; but I thought not convenient to defer any longer such precious moments.  
As soon as this Creature was gone, I was lead into another Chamber, where my Gallant who had almost split his Sides with laughing (considering the good Success of this Enterprise) waited for me with extreme Patience, and without amuzing ourselves, and losing of time, in making a great number of impertinent Compliments, and ridiculous Chattering: For not only Hours, but Minutes were precious to us at that time: We got upon our Bed, and did our Business at so swinging a Rate, that that day I was no less sprinkled within than without—  
After we had spent above half an hour in taking our Pleasures, I took my leave for to withdraw into my little Room; where having found the Woman of the house, who had all the while stood Sentinel, I sat down with her by the Fire, until that my Maid brought me other .  
Tho' my Husband in his Youth had much frequented the voluptuous Sinks, yet he knew not at this time, that this Affair had been contrived in this manner, by reason that he had never known this Tavern otherwise than a house where the People would not have in any manner suffered such things to be committed: And he was not the only Person herein deceived, but all those too who ever haunted that House. For all was done then with so much Tranquillity, that the least thing could never have been perceived; and before they let you know of that Conveniency, they must have found you persons liberal, and such as might be trusted and confided in: But at present the Vintners of the principal Taverns are not so scrupulous; and tho' they know with what Design a Man and Woman comes to their House, yet they will not refuse them a Room: So that we may with Justice say that most of the Taverns in London are at present Bawdy-houses; and that there is no difference between them and Bawdy honses, than that there they ask you no Money for the use of the Bed.  
A little after this Adventure, as I was going one morning up into our Garret, I found a Letter upon the Stairs, just by my Husband's Study, which without doubt he had by chance let fall out of his Pocket. Curiosity made me open it without thinking however that I should find therein something of Importance; but I was much surprised, and strangely amazed when I saw that it contained what follows in very good and expressive Characters.  
Sir,  
I Was very much grieved when I saw you married to that Woman who is at present your Wife; but I was much more concerned, when I heard she Jilted you all manner of Ways. If you are willing to be perfectly informed as to this Affair, get by one means or other to a certain Widow's House, called Mrs. G— in Drury-Lane, and be assured, that by the help of Money you will come to the Knowledge of more than you desire. I do not tell you how you are to comport yourself in such Encounters, since you have had sufficient Experience of 'em, not to want Cunning in those Occasions. Neither did I think it convenient to discourse you by word of mouth, fearing it might put you out of Countenance. Believe only, that as I am your Friend, so I love to keep things secret: Provide against this Disorder the soon you can possibly.  
I remained very much troubled when I had read this Letter, and then was out of the Doubt and Suspense I had so long been in: For I had applied my Thoughts to a thousand things for the endeavouring to discover what it was that could have brought my Husband to the forementioned place: But at the same time I took also the Resolution of being so revenged at one time or other, that this Tale-bearer should remember it for a long time: For it was not necessary to see the Name, since I had received several from the same hand, as well before, as since the day of my Marriage, tho' there had been a falling out between us for some time, because he would have enjoyed my Body without being at any Charges, which is a thing I could very rarely be brought to; and undoubtedly Spite and Vexation had inspired him with this Genteel Prank.  
As soon as I was got down again I fling this Letter into the Fire, not being willing to put it up; and besides, I was afraid if I had kept it, it might have been found about me, which would have been taken for a Sign that I was not at all concerned at it. In the mean while I lost no occasion of playing my part sometimes, tho' all the manner of Stratagems which I put in Practice had not over often a happy Success: Wherefore I wrote a Letter to that Spark who had so swingly besprinkled me, and for whom I had without Dissimulation a great deal more Affection than for my own Husband; and I gave him to understand, that he should make use of all manner of means to insinuate himself into the Esteem and Friendship of my Husband; For I was in hopes that by so doing, he would furnish me at least with the Satisfaction of seeing him oftener than I had then the Opportunity: To which I was inclined with so much the more Passion, in that I promised myself to find his Visits infallibly followed by some Presents, which he would be obliged to make me for to purchase the more of my Heart and Affection: For it is a certain thing, that Money is the most Powerful means to make a Conquest over a Woman's Heart. This Friendship was not very difficult matter to contract, seeing I had acquired this Lover at the time of our Wedding; and by consequence my Husband could not be prepossessed with any ill Opinion of him. And indeed I quickly saw him seated at our Table, and afterwards he frequented our house with so much Familiarity as one of the nearest Relations, to which the Wife he had contributed very much, because that she was not ugly; and that he for his, part knew how to comport himself with so moderate a Reservedness, as if he had been of the Number of those who keep the Great Turk's Concubines. This Friendship augmented to such a Pitch, that he frequently brought his Wife to our House, that he might make my Husband so much the less suspect that he came with any Design upon me.  
This Acquaintance of ours had lasted about four Months, and during all that space of time he had hardly had so many Opportunites to testify to me his Love as there had been Months passed. One certain Afternoon, as we were sitting talking in the Parlour after Dinner, some Merchants having a mind to see some Rolls of Tobacco, sent for my Husband out. Immediately my Lover flew and took me about the Neck, and kissed me with so much Fervency and Eagerness, that his whole Body was seized with a Shivering; and not expecting that my Patron would return so soon, we began a Game which had like to have cost us our Lives: For we had hardly half done the Feat, when my Husband, who was not entirely cured of his Jealousy, came in softly behind us, and found us in the Posture of one upon the other. Cursed Whore, said he, as soon as he was got into the Room, I have now at length caught thee at what I so long watched for; But, added he, you two shall not go glory with your having made this Bargain; and then, thrusting his hand into his Pocket, he would infallibly have effected his Word, if my Servant had not taken me off his Knee, and leaped upon him. Certainly when I think still of that Combat, tho' at that time I was under the saddest Affliction imaginable, I cannot forbear laughing; for that my Lover not having time sufficient to put himself in Order, his Shirt hung out of his Breeches, and what with that, and other thing of greater Consequence that was to be seen, it was the pleasantest Sight that ever my Eyes saw.  
The two combating Parties fell at length so violently to work, and struggled so hard, that at last they fell over one another, which gave me room enough to escape out of the Parlour, wherein I had till then expected every moment to have had my Throat Cut. I ran in all haste to the Room where we lay, where I took in all haste a little Trunk, in which was my Jewels: For not being willing to forget them in such a Necessity, I seized on them with all speed, and decamped from the House, and withdrew to the Room which I had always kept, and sent for the Chirurgeon, that he might let me Blood: For I had been in that Emotion, that I did not doubt but to fall into some great Fit of Sickness by reason thereof: But no sooner were some ounces of Blood taken from me, than that I found myself very much at ease, and within a day or two after I was as brisk as I had been before.  
There were several reasons which made me think it convenient after three or four days to abandon that Room, and to take a House where I might be something farther distant from the Eyes of my Husband: For when I thought but of him I trembled for Fear: Whereupon I took a House in York Buildings, which tho' it were near the Court, and therefore as the World goes, now one should think not overcharged with; yet as Persons of Quality and Estate flock about that end of the Town; yet as I had the Art of Jilting to Perfection, I was in hopes my Gains would be pretty considerable in those Quarters.  
But the Truth is, when I make Reflection upon the Disquiet which attends those who lead a disorderly Life, I cannot sufficiently admire that there are Persons who commit such Sins, without being obliged thereto by Necessity: For to see a Woman abandon herself to Pleasure, for the maintaining herself in a handsome Estate and Condition; and who has not nevertheless the Conveniencies, is methinks in some manner worthy of being excused, because that Poverty is a very terrible thing; and besides it is very troublesome, nay, almost insupportable for Persons who have been well bred and born, when they are constrained to subject themselves to go to Service; but as for those Women who give themselves to those villainous Abominations, when Misery does not force them so to do, Methinks there is nothing in the World that merits more Blame and Chastisement; and tho' I have lived myself after the same manner that I now give the Relation of, yet I can declare to you, that I would not counsel others to follow my Example, if they are willing to have their Minds at Peace and Quiet: For when you are once engaged in Marriage, if you violate the Faith you have promised, I assure you that you lose all the Pleasure, through Disquiet, in doing a thing which ought to be done without any Fear. Quite on the contrary we all find real Pleasures in the practice of Virtue, it maintains the Mind in an agreeable Tranquillity: It fills the Soul with an Interior Joy. It— But hold! I shall presently fall into a Province that I am not very well acquainted with: For not to lie, it is not long since I have made Profession of being virtuous; and perhaps I should not yet say a word of the Care and trouble, if I had still that Beauty which I was endued with formerly: But I think it convenient to pause a while upon this Point, not to give the Reader an Occasion to have too good, or too ill an Opinion of my Life.  
But as soon as I was got into Possession of my new Quarters, I bethought myself of going to learn what had been the Issue of the Battle between my Lover and my Husband: Whereupon I went one Morning betimes to a Tavern near my Lover's Habitation, and sent him a Letter by the Drawer, that if he could not come conveniently to me there, he should nevertheless not fail of coming to my Lodging that same day, telling him in the Letter where it was.  
The Drawer acquitted himself dexterously of his Message; but some Affairs hindering my Spark at that time, he sent me word, that my Commands should be performed in the other place. Whereupon I returned home, not in the least doubting but that my Enterprise would be attended with the effect I expected.  
Towards the Evening this honest Gentleman came to my Lodging, and after some amorous Embraces, I asked him how he had disengaged himself from the forementioned Disorder? He made me Answer, that he had got the Victory over his Antagonist. But, pursued he, when your Husband knew that you had made your Escape, and that he had not Strength enough to overcome me, he cried out so long for help, that at length I heard some of his Workmen coming down Stairs, which put me into such a Fright, that away got I out of the House, without so much as thinking of taking my Cloak along with me: For the Servants were already almost at the Bottom: the Maid who was in the Shop, thinking she could stop me; but taking her by the Arm, and flinging her into a Corner, I got into the Street, and taking a Coach, I went to the Half Moon Tavern in the Strand, whither I sent for some of my Friends, and so past away my time till it was late, when coming home to my House, I found that your Husband had been already there; so that my Wife made me the finest Speech that was ever read in any History. I would willingly have disowned the Matter; but having been forced to leave my Cloak in the Hurry, and that your Husband had brought it to our house with weeping Eyes, my Wife would not have given the least Credit to my Discourse; but this Storm is almost already wholly appeased: Nevertheless, have a Care on both Sides, continued he, for my Wife has vowed your Ruin, as well as your Husband.  
But as I was so far out of their Reach, these Menaces produced so little Effect in my heart, that I was not in the least paler or redder; and far from having any Fear, I desired my Gallant to continue to me his Visits with all manner of Boldness, for which we had, methoughts both of us sufficient Reasons, since we had both been in the same Peril; and indeed he was not negligentin the Execution of this order: For he came to see me almost every day, and paid me so liberally for the Favours he had obtained from me, that during all the time he frequented me, I had not any reason to complain of his Generosity.  
As I had already dwelled some time in that place, I began to think on him who had sent that cursed Letter to my Husband. I was considering how I could reward him for his Pains, and I fancied I had at length found the Opportunity, he being married, as were most of my Lovers: I was not long contriving the means to effect this, before that I had managed my Design with so much Cunning, that he came at length to my House: For tho' he had played me that Prank, it was not for want of Love; but only by reason I would not comply with his covetous Humour.  
I quickly began to make him believe by all the means imaginable, that I was so far transported with Love for him, that I could hardly live in his Absence; and because it is not handsome to exact money from Men for whom one has so strange an Inclination, I never spoke to him thereof, which was so pleasing to him, that I had him at least three times a Week at my House, insomuch, that he made his Wife several times believe that he was obliged to go out of Town, that so he might come and spend those Nights in my Company: To which I consented as willingly, as if I had had for him the most violent Passion in the World.  
This familiar Frequentation had hardly lasted three months, when I perceived by all his Ways and Carriage that he began to be weary of me; which I might easily have prevented, if I had but some times denied him, and shown some Repugnance to the Business: For it is certain, when we grant all things to men, without making any Resistance, their Inclination will never be of long Continuance. On the contrary, a Refusal done with Cunning and Artifice re-inflames their amorous Passions, and makes 'em lavish all, so as they may but compass their Designs: For a Victory which is obtained without any Fatique, is not the most pleasant and agreeable; and tho' they often do well enough see, especially if they be sharpers and Cunning Gallants, that these Denials are only counterfeited, yet they will be a thousand times more desirous of the Embraces of those Women, who knew how to behave themselves with Art in that respect, than they are towards those who like Hackneys, are always ready to let men mount upon them; but my Intention was not always to keep this Spark; and therefore I lived with him after a quite different manner, than I did with those whom I only loved for Profit's sake.  
At first I complained very much of his Indifferency towards me; and reproached him, that he must of all necessity have to do with some other to whom he paid his Vows and Incense; and tho' the Oaths he made gave me sufficiently to understand, that what I said was not true, I could sufficiently comprehend, that he would not be over scrupulous at making his Addresses to another. As soon as I had made this Remark, I thought it was time to put my Design in Execution: For that Purpose I kept at my house for two days together a very pretty Nymph, upon Condition she would be faithful to me in all things: Whereupon I promised her a handsome Reward besides what she could obtain from him: When then that Alderman B— (so was the Name and Title of him for whom all these Preparations were made) came again to my house: He asked me, strangely smitten, who that pretty Creature was; and if that Damosel was to dwell with me? I told him yes, and that it was one of my Nieces, whom I had taken to keep me Company. To make short, I pretended to have some Business to do abroad; and so packed out of the Room, that he might have an opportunity to discourse her, and he was so inflamed in that Conversation, that when I came back above three hours after, I found him still in her Company. At Night she told me that he had courted her for you know what, but that according to my Order, she had showed herself somewhat disdainful, yet without making him lose all hopes.  
The Alderman was much more passionate for this Wench than for me, insomuch that within the space of a Week, he came six times to my Lodging; and during that time he had contracted such a Familiarity with this Daughter of Venus, according to the opportunities that I had given them, that methought the time was come to accomplish what I had projected to do whereupon I one day told him, that three days afterwards I was to be at Windsor, and that I should stay there a day or two. But that there might be the more probability in the Design of this Journey, I told him a Story which would really have required my Presence of an absolute Necessity. In the mean while I pretended to have some other Affairs in the Chamber where I lay, insomuch that the two Parties had the Leisure to conclude their Bargain, as I had ordered the matter, for the passing those two Nights together that I was to be absent. He protested, that she should meet with such an Acknowledgement as should be much more considerable than she imagined; and that his words might find the better Credit, he had already let a Guiney slip down her Breast, because the poor Innocent did really believe she was a Virgin, or at least that she had been but very little used, tho' she had maintained herself for four years only by the labour of that Calling; and if we may believe the Testimonies of some brave Persons, she understood herself better in those Affairs than can be expected from a Maiden as was but newly come out of her Parents Kitchin.  
When that the day appointed was come, I told my pretended Niece, that she should neither lock nor bolt the Door: For that I hoped to return home at twelve a Clock at Night, and that then I would teach her a way how to appropriate to ourselves the Alderman's golden Purse. Thereupon I departed; but not for Windsor: But went directly to an Officer in the Spiritual Court, and told him, that if he would give me a fourth part, as I was informed the Custom was, I would deliver to him that Night a married Man, and a considerable Citizen, from whom there would be a swinging Sum of Money to be got. This Officer was presently ready, and having given me his hand, he promised me that I should have the half exactly. After which I told him who the Person was upon whom we were to execute our Designs, as also his whole Estate, the Trade he drove, and all that was necessary, that so when he came to make the Agreement, he might not be too hasty to conclude the Bargain. Moreover, I told him, that about Midnight I would return to his house, to go afterwards both together to mine, and surprise the Bird there in his Nest.  
It had hardly struck twelve when I got again to his House which this Officer, who was a great Lover of Money, was no sooner informed of than that we began to set forwards on our way, and came at about half an hour past Twelve at my House; where in we went so gently, that it was impossible for us to be heard: Then I lighted a Candle, and went up Stairs with the Officer, while that one of his Sergeants stayed in the Kitchen, and the other at the Door. We found our Lovers lying folded in one another's Arms, and reposing so peaceably, that it seemed almost Pity to interrupt their Sleep. But as I have never been subject to a silly Compassion for men, I advanced towards the Bedside; and having pulled him by the Arm so long as that he awaked. Mr. Alderman, said I to him, if I had known you would have kept my house so well, I should not have returned so soon. The Alderman rubbed his Eyes to dissipate the Sleep, and seemed very much amazed to hear my Voice; but he was much more surprised when the Officer told him, that he should be his Prisoner for that time, if he pleased, since that having a Wife in Marriage, he proceeded to have to do with another Woman. Jane, who in the mean while awaked upon this Noise, trembled for Amazement when she saw this Officer before her: For she knew not that I had done this Business with a set Design; and I had not declared it to her, for that I was not well enough assured, that she would be contented to go through with it; and besides that, tho' she had consented to it, she might have suffered herself to be corrupted, and have discovered all to her Lover for a reasonable Sum of Money: For there is no great Stress to be laid upon the Words and Oaths of Wenches or Wives, who get their Living by their Bums. The Alderman not being ignorant that such Affairs may be terminated by a Sum of Money, leaped out of Bed as soon as he was somewhat recollected from his first Amazement, and desired the Officer that he would allow him to speak a word in private with him: Whereupon I went below Stairs with Jane, and within a quarter of an hour, after there had been some Contest between them, I was called above with a Pen and Ink; and I saw the poor Devil, who signed a Bond of an hundred Pound, which he was to pay in a Fornights' time. Thereupon the Officer was thinking of being gone, when that the Alderman, whose Fury sparkled in his Eyes, would infallibly have broke my Neck; wherefore I desired this honest Gentleman to take the Alderman along with him; and this last was forced to go along, tho' he would willingly have done somewhat else. When they were out of the Door, I put a Letter into this unhappy Lover's Hands, wherein I related to him amply with the most bitter words imaginable, for what reason I had served him this Trick. I would couch that Letter here; but that I am afraid by reason of its Length, it would not give overmuch Satisfaction to those should read it. I shall desist there from, and fill the Sheets I have still left with some matter of more importance.  
Tho' poor Jenny had practised this Trade, as long as is before mentioned, she was so concerned at the Officers unforeseen Presence, and so much the more, as the she had been found in Bed with a man, which is commonly rewarded with a Bridewell the Purgatory of Whores, that the day following she was taken with a violent Fever, which moved me so to Compassion, by reason I could not deny but that I was the Cause thereof, that fifteen days after, having received my Part or Portion of the Booty, I gave her the half thereof, which was so powerful a Cordial and Remedy to that fair Damosel in her Sickness, that in a short time she recovered her former Health and Beauty.  
Tho' this Action of Revenge had been very much to my Advantage, yet afterwards I would have given more than I got by it, that I had managed the Affairs in such a manner, as that he might have been seized on in another House: For this Officer, who could gladly have wished, that I would from time to time have put a Gallant of this kind into his hand began to be very troublesome to me, insomuch that he threatened me, that in case I did not do him other Services, he would make the Town too little for me. Wherefore for this Reason, and two others more, for I had heard my Husband was informed of the place of my Abode; and that he only sought for an Occasion to have me catched by one or other, In the third place I was very much afraid the Alderman would set one or other to spy me by Night: Whereupon I found myself obliged to decamp from the City, and to seek for my Abode out of its Jurisdiction: And in a few Days after I took a House near Fulham, hard by the High Way that goes to Windsor; and went to dwell there with a Maid, making Jane believe that I was going for Norfolk: For as she was young and beautiful, her Presence would have caused too much Prejudice to my Commerce; and moreover I had also taken notice, that there were two more of my Gallants whom she had supplanted me of. The Desire of Revenge must without doubt have darkened my Eyes at that time: For I believe there is nothing more miserable to see, than an Officer of Justice before our Eyes, upon whose Account we are obliged to trouble and disturb honest People, when at the same time we would willingly keep our Friends; and indeed I ought to have had then the same thoughts; but as no body is always wise and pudent, I imagined that the Business would be done, but found quite the contrary: For those Gentlemen resemble Horseleeches, and never leave sucking their Prey, as long as they find the least Humidity.  
But when I was entered with my Maid into my new Quarters, and had set all things in due Order, which kept me several days employed: For as I was a Damosel of such a Quality, I became something coy and haughty. I completed my Affairs so well, that I got to speak with three or four of my best Gallants, to whom I made known in what place I had set up my Standing: these did not in the least fail to be there upon occasion, which they might do without any Apprehension: For indeed they had no reason to fear the Neighbours should spy them: For I was in somewhat a solitary place, and for many days together I saw no body but my Maid and my Dog, which did not ill resemble that Cerberus the Poets so much talk of; the only difference was, that my Dog had not three Heads like him.  
Amongst these Blades there was one who, after I had dwelled there for some time, brought with him a certain Spark of about thirty seven, or thirty eight years old, that he might be made Partaker of my Favours. At the first I pretended to be somewhat shy and scrupulous, neither more nor less than if I was not over desirous that others should come to see me; whereas, on the contrary, I could very well allow of all those who made no difficulty to spend their Money: I grumbled at him who had brought this Stranger to my House; but as this pettish Humour was only a Fiction, it did not last long; and within a few days this new comer was as welcome to me as the rest: For the kindness he obtained from me was pretty dearly paid for: But after some weeks were passed over, I perceived I had made a wrong Judgement, when I imagined, that in regard of Liberality, he was a man that did not yield in the least to his Companions: For when he fancied, by reason I caressed him so extremely, that I was as much smitten with him as he was with me: He began to flatter himself that he was no longer bound to give me Money, and would willingly have obliged me to have discarded all the rest, that he alone might have had the Enjoyment of my Person. I was extremely displeased at this Carriage of his, yet let him not know it by the least word; but I took a firm Resolution, that upon the first opportunity I would play him a Prank, which should be sufficient to furnish my Maintenance for the space of a Month.  
Do but, I beseech you, take notice of the ingratitude that all these Men are guilty of: This fine Gallant had obtained of another the Favour of being brought to my House; and as soon as his Crotchets had made him fancy, that he was pretty deeply rooted in my Heart, he would willingly have recompensed him to whom he had this Obligation, by having him banished from a house that he had frequented for so long a time. When I consider well on all these things, I find myself wholly amazed at the Disorder wherein Men have been for so many Ages, when they have described the Vices under the Figure of Women, seeing the Men are therewith every where infected, I will say no more; but at least as much as we, poor innocent Creatures as we are: For who would not be of my Opinion, that we ought to represent Pride as a young wanton Youth, since we see a number of those Sparks swarm at present about London, whose Bodies are straight laced, that they may acquire a long and handsome Shape. And they not only amuse themselves in such villainous Trifles; but I know some also, who, like women, make use of Spanish Paper to give a red Colour to their Cheeks: And thus beribboned, painted and curled, do these 'Squires strut it about the Streets.  
I had a Design for at least three Months together to make a Cully of Florian (for so was the name of this Gallant; or at least so shall he here be called, before that I could ever find the Opportunity for so doing; and perhaps I might still have waited a pretty while if he had not given it me himself; and behold after what manner: Coming one morning to my House very early, he related to me, that he had some Affairs which obliged him to be at Kingston for a day or two, having some Merchandise to dispose of there. He desired me at the same time I would keep him Company in Quality of his Wife, without one moments Delay. I chucked him under the Chin, and embraced this poor man after a very amorous manner. You know very well my dear Angel, said I to him, that I can refuse you nothing, so strong is the Love I bear you: These words were followed with some Kisses, which insinuated me so far into his good Opinion, that he did not in any wise doubt but that I was mortally smitten with Love for him.  
When we had attained to the day appointed for our Journey, Florian came with a Hackney Coach to my Door, from whence we departed for Putney, and so to Kingston. where we took up our Inn near the Market Place: After we had refreshed ourselves with a Bit and a Glass, the Landlady asked if she should make ready one or two Beds for us? We are very well contented with one when we are at London, Landlady, answered my Servant; and by consequence there needs no more here. Thus the poor Woman, thinking we were married together, garnished but one Bed, which wemade so hard that night with our petulant Members, that it less resembled a Featherbed than a Seaman's Quilt. The Day after Florian went out to dispatch his Business, and received about fifty or threescore Pounds. While we were upon the way, he had informed me of all his Affairs as amply as was requisite for the bringing about my Enterprise. Thus he came about Noon to our Inn, and having given his money to the Landlord to keep, we went to Dinner, and spent the rest of the day in seeing the Town; But my good or malicious Reader, for I know not which I have to do with, not to importune you any longer with a great number of Circumstances, know that after my Lover was gone out the next morning, I sent for a Silk-Mercer that was there in Town, and having bought of his goods, as much as came to ten pounds, I desired the Landlord to give me my Husband's bag of money; he imagining that it was the same thing whether he gave it to me or to Florion, made not the least difficulty in the business. Whereupon I made use of the money to pay that Mercer, and delivered the rest to the Landlord to lock up again, for my Intention was not to deprive him of all the sum, tho' I might have done it very easily if I had not been afraid of some ill consequence; but I only designed to be paid for the use of my Body, and as he had not had the Civility to do it, I thought I should have been a very great fool if I had not made use of the power I had in hand. Poor Florion was no sooner returned to the Inn than that he asked me with a mien full of astonishment to whom that Silk belonged, or I was so busy with it that he could easily perceive I had some concern therein. It belongs to us, my dear heart, answered I him in the presence of the Innkeeper and his Wife; you know you promised me a new Gown a long while ago: Florion became as pale as Death, and having asked me with what I had paid for it, I told him the truth, insomuch that he could hardly forbear unravelling the whole Mystery, so vexed was he at this loss which he had not in the least expected. He called me aside, told me that it was not handsomely done to make use of his money as if it had been my own without first knowing if it was his will and pleasure so to have it, and I ought first to have inquired if he should not have stood in need of it himself at Kingston. How, Sir, said I to him, as soon as he had done speaking you shall notneed to be much concerned for your money, since as soon as we are got back to London, I will repay it you every farthing. And that you may not think that these are only vain words I will give you a Bond immediately for the performance of what I say. I should never as long as I live have any good luck in a Gown, said I still, that was given me so unwillingly.  
Thereupon I called for a Pen and Ink. But Florion in his turn would needs act the Generous Man, because he fancied that I had taken his procedure in very ill part, and was by consequence afraid he should be put out of my favour. Whereupon he seized me by the Arm, saying, that for the money that was no great matter, but that he had thought to have had made use of it himself, and that it had fallen out very unluckily, that I had taken so great a quantity of it, but nevertheless he knew how to provide against that Inconveniency; thus perceiving that this piece of cunning had succeeded well with me, I put myself into a much more haughty posture, and would needs by all means give him a Bond, tho' I had not the least thought of restoring to him one farthing of his money, but it became me to carry high as if it was to show that I had an honourable Education, and that I stood in no need of money, insomuch that Florion seeing me, so out of humour, made use of all manner of flatteries to regain my Affection; imagining without doubt that for this money he should take his pleasures with me for a pretty while; but the poor man did not think that I made quite an other account; for it came into my Head that we were then but two at play, and that if he meant to receive new favours, it was easy for him to judge that it was necessary for him to show new money, which presently after I gave him so well to understand by new tricks and Artifices, that at length my Amorous Caresses seemed too dear to him; Insomuch that he began to wean himself from me by little and little, for than he could easily see that it was not his Person but his money that I loved, and that I had only let him be free-cost sometimes that I might make him pay the dearer for my Merchandise.  
Without lying I cannot forbear laughing when I think on those poor innocent Cullies, who seeing themselves flattered and caressed by such a Nymph as I was at that time, imagine, when we do not speak to them of money every Bout, that they are the only Men who enjoy our Favour and Affection: Whereas on the contrary it is certain they may haunt Misses at a much cheaper Rate, when they know how they must pay every time, than those who have the Fancy, that they are the wellbeloved, by reason they never hear 'em speak of reward or recompense: For these Misses always stand in need of something; and if one would have the enjoyment of their Bodies, you cannot be so uncivil, unless you have a mind to lose that counterfeited kindness, to refuse them the Favours they demand; so much the more, as that these demands are accompanied with so many Kisses and Caresses, that it is hardly possible to refuse them; and those things are commonly so dearly sold, that the same Price would often buy Diamonds and Jewels; Here perhaps might an Objection be started, that these Misses are as sensible to love as others; and that by Consequence I do not establish my Opinion strong enough, and perhaps some examples might be alleged to the Contrary; but these Sparks who are of this sentiment, may be pleased to know, that we seldom see those things done with sincerity, besides as that it is impossible to sound the Heart of a Woman so as to lay any Foundation thereupon, and that there are those of that nature that when they seem to bear you the greatest love in the World, they hate you more than the Pleague at the bottom of their Hearts, and they only give you Testimonies of their good will to fleece you of your Wool, which you have no sooner lost, than that you will find, that you will be treated after the same rate as a Prodigal Child. However I can easily persuade myself that a Miss who gets her livelihood with her back Cheeks may grow enamoured, but yet I cannot believe that she will place her Inclination upon one man who is of an Honourable breeding, and of a reasonable Conversation, and especially at this time, when those who seek their maintenance in this commerce are Daughters of Orange Women and the Billingsgate-crew, and by consequence of a vile and base Education; these having bought a Gown or a Manteau which they find here and there in the Shops pass for Misses, and are employed in that quality by one or other; but as their sorry Education had used them to all manner of ill carriage and behaviour, and as by getting on a Gown and by sprucing themselves up fine they do not shake off those effects which are rooted in their Hearts, you must never expect that they will come to cast their Eyes upon a man of extraction, but upon some Clown or Bumpking whose Inside manners suit better with theirs; for it is a truth beyond all contest that the conformity of passions and courses of living do engender the greatest love, whereas I could here urge several examples if I had a mind to't, but since that those Brutal passions do not deserve the Name of love, I shall advance into other matters, and leave every one the freedom to have the opinion and belief he thinks best.  
By this way of dealing, I mean by scraping up money from Sparks by all imaginable means, I now and then lost one of those whose Means were not sufficient nor rich enough to resist the insatiable avidity of my love towards money. Perhaps you will here think, my Reader, that I could not lose many Gallants, since I had already said that their number did but consist in three or four; but be pleased to know that this number did so wonderfully increase in a year or two, that I could well spare some without remaining so destitute of Servants as Misses often do at present. What contributed very much to my happiness was, that then I did not show myself so coy, so nice and scrupulous, for as I perceived that my Beauty and Youth began to perish by little and little, and that by consequence I foresaw that in the sequel of time I should not be so passionately nor so frequently sought after, I made use of all manner of diligence to provide for myself against Old Age that I might not be obliged to beg Alms.  
Amongst those whom my Charms captivated under my Laws, there was an Italian of about thirty years of Age, and in whose Person I had had a very good Gallant; for I never asked of him any thing but what he immediately gave me. But if I had known the Italians could have practised so great a dissimulation as they are used to do, I should have been much more cautious of him, tho' however I ought not to take the thing so very ill; for as it was my custom to deceive others, and as I should not have taken delight in seeing that men had been wanting to treat me with all manner of respect and civility, methinks it is but just, likewise, that I forget what has been done to me, to which I find myself obliged with so much the more reason, as that I cannot say, that he stole from me more than I had got from him before. Yet it might well be that I should not speak so much of forgetting that prank, if I had only the opportunity to pay him in the same Coin, but by reason he returned to his own Country, he deprived me of the means of satisfying my desire of Revenge, otherwise it should have been a wonderful Prodigy if I had been of so sedate a temper to be served such a trick; or I must at least have lost the whole nature of the Female Sex; for this passion, namely the desire of revenge, takes its Birth jointly with the Females, and remain with them until that they have given up the last Gasp. But not to amaze ourselves too long, I am going to tell you the whole matter.  
He had frequented me for about half a year when that we took a journey together to Gravesend whither he said he was to go by reason a Ship was arrived there from Holland wherein he expected some ; on the morrow morning after we had lain together and enjoyed to our full the delights of love, he took my Pendants into his hand, for which my Husband had given forty pounds, and having considered them with great speculation, they are something too plain said he to me with a smiling Countenance, for a fair Creature to whom I bear so much affection, and thereupon calling the Landlord up into our Room, he asked him if he had not any acquaintance with some Jeweller who could fit up a pair of fine Pendants, the man made answer he had, and added that there was a Jeweller who frequented his House from whom he might buy what he desired for as reasonable a price as of any other Merchant about London,  
Jukomo (so was the Italians name) desired him, immediately that he might be sent for, which was accordingly instantly performed; in the mean while I was so overjoyed that my joy was apparent in my Eyes; for I expected no less than the value of sixty or seventy pounds, and I had still more hopes when I heard this deceitful Italian tell the Jeweller, that none of the Pendants he had brought along with him pleased him, tho' there were some perhaps worth fourscore pounds. Sir, answered the other, I have of all prizes, and if you please to take the pains to go along with me to my House, I do not doubt but that we shall agree upon the matter. I would willingly have gone along with them, but Jakomo would not consent to that, which made me fancy that he designed to make me a better Present than I expected. I had had this in my imagination for about half an hour, when that the Jeweller came back to our Inn to ask me for the Pendants which the Italian had undoubtedly left me only so long that I might so much the less perceive the design he had. I asked him what he intended to do with them, and if they should have concluded the Bargain. It is only Madam, to see the bigness of them, who took me without doubt for a Woman of great Quality, and as for what concerns the Bargain, pursued he, your Husband has offered me money for a pair, but he must still raise the Sum he offers. Yes, said I, but I hope you'll use him kindly. And thereupon I took off my Pendants, and wrapped them in a piece of Paper, and delivered them to him without any ill suspicion, since he came himself in Person to receive them, for to have confided them to any other, I should have made some scruple.  
In the mean while, I expected some joyful Tidings, but my Husband came not back to our Lodging. Yet I durst not at first seem to be uneasy, though my heart misgave me strangely; but when it was passed twelve, and that I saw no Body yet come back, I desired my Landlord that he would lead me to the Jeweller's House; where I was no sooner come, than that he told me they could not agree upon the matter, for that my Husband, said the Jeweller to me, had only offered for a pair of Pendants, sixty pounds, which had cost him above Eighty.  
I presently asked him what were become of mine; and having had for answer, that my Husband had taken them along with him, my Heart was as much troubled as if I had been seized with a violent Fever: Yet I durst not let any Sign thereof appear, both for that the Innkeeper was with me, and that we had lain together in his House, as if we had been Man and Wife: So that it would have been very improper to, have made a hurry for my Jewels, since that they had been put into my Husband's hands, or at least in his who was taken to be so; and on the other side, I had no reason since I had not forbid the Jeweller to give them to any other than myself. Thus we returned to the Inn, and though I ought to have been well assured, that I should never see the Pendants or the Italian again, yet I continued to flatter myself a long time with such hopes, that he was perhaps, gone to some other Jeweller's House: But at length seeing he came not home again at Night, I lost all Courage, my Tears gushed out in Torrents accompanied with Sobs, while that my Landlady kept me Company, which she would undoubtedly have spared herself the trouble of, if she had known for what reason I afflicted myself in that manner; but the Poor Woman imagined, that if I so abandoned myself to Sadness, it was for no other reason than for the absence of my Husband, to whom she fancied some Mischance had happened. I stayed some days still at Gravesend, as a Person void of Comfort, as you may well think, and I ran through all parts of the Town enquiring after my Husband, in all the Inns and Taverns, where I thought that he might be gone, but the Bird was already flown, so that I was at length constrained to return to my own Home. Being in the Boat, I imagined that I might easily come to the knowledge of the place of his Abode, by the means of the Person who brought him first of all to our House, and so get again what I had lost. I did not delay in the least to make use of this Way; but afterwards I wished hearty that this Thought had never come into my head; for as soon as I had found out his Lodging, and had conceived some good hopes, I saw myself forced to renew my affliction, because his Landlord told me, that he had taken his leave of him four or five days before, to go to Gravesend and so into Holland, where he said, he had some business, and that from thence he intended to return into Italy. I plainly conjectured from this Answer, that I was to entertain no more hopes of ever recovering my Pendants again; wherefore from that very Moment I used all my Endeavours to banish them from my Memory, tho' that it was not without a great deal of trouble; but time which makes all things forgotten, brought some Moderation to my Sadness; and perhaps, I should have almost lost all remembrance thereof, if it did not spite me to this very day, that I accompanied him so far.  
How great soever my grief and trouble was, I durst not complain to any Body of the loss I had had, fearing I should be laughed at, and the remembrance thereof was still very fresh, when I drew into my Snares an Old Signior, of whom I got in a little time as much as was necessary to repair the damage I had received, for it is an incontestable truth, that those who have passed the Age of Fifty Years, are much more easy to disburse Money than those who are between twenty and forty, for these imagine, because they rarely want Strength and Vigour, that they are not obliged to give money, or at least that they ought not to give much, whereas on the contrary, the others willingly recompense for their Impotence with Cash, and are ordinarily so careful of their Reputation, that there is no fear of their Vifits causing Scandalous Reports; but because Accidents equally rare, do not happen to all manner of Persons, though I could easily fill this Piece with Adventures and Rencounters, altogether wonderful, if I would in the least pass the bounds of truth, I shall only say this of that good Man, that I prospered very well by his frequenting my Company; and that I hardly ever demanded any thing of him but what he gave me immediately; insomuch, that during ten or eleven Months, that he haunted me, I heaped up as much Money as was necessary to defend me against the Injuries of a sharp and severe Winter.  
About two or three Months after the Death of this Honest Gentleman, I was one day sitting upon a little Seat before my Garden, and from thence I heard a most sad and doleful Cry at some distance. I turned immediately my eyes towards the place from whence that voice came, and I saw a Middle-Aged Woman dressed like a Citizen's Wife, who came running towards me with all her Strength, being pursued by two Furious Men, who had each of them a naked Sword in his hand. I got up, and entered into the Garden, that I might not receive any offence from those Furioso's; but I had hardly set my foot over the Treshold when the Woman, who it seems was lighter of foot than those who pursued her, came flying to me, and shutting the Door with a trembling hand, for the Love of God, Madam, said she, save my Life, for those two Men.— She would still have said more, but her weariness and weakness would not allow of it.  
In the mean while, those two Men must either have been gone back, or must have hid themselves somewhere: For as soon as the Woman was got into the Garden I heard no more Noise. I called my Maid, and having made her fetch a Bottle of Wine, I gave this damnable Creature to drink, considering her as a good and honest Woman, and so I comforted her heart. Then we went into our House, where I asked her for what cause those two Rogues had pursued her with so much Fury? Madam, if I was assured, said she to me, that we could talk here, without any Body hearing us, I should undertake to relate to you a Story which you will be extremely surprised at; and tho' I have been in such Danger as you know, I would never open my Mouth of it; but by reason of the seasonable help which I have received from you, I will undertake to relate to you a Story which will extremely surprise you; and tho' I have been in the danger you saw, will never open my Mouth thereof; but upon the account of the seasonable help which I have received from you, the duty of Acknowledgement obliges me not to refuse you any thing: For those Men whose Bloody Hands pursued me, and from whom your Goodness has delivered me, are so nearly related to me, that I cannot make any Complaints against 'em, without drawing upon myself the hatred of all my Race. I told her thereupon, by reason that this Introduction did very much augment my Curiosity, that she might speak with all manner of Safety, that there were but we three in the House; and that my Maid was too wise and secret to go cackle abroad what she ought to keep in Silence. As soon as I had uttered these Words, she fell to telling a Story, which seemed as if it would never have been at an end, insomuch that I began to conceive some Suspicion, that this was only the Pretext to some concealed Design. I had so much the more reason to be jealous, that tho' this Story was told after a pertinent manner enough, yet there was such prodigious, and such Romantic Circumstances, that it could not be taken to be made up altogether of pure Truths; and particularly amongst persons who have somewhat more Understanding than what's common in the World. Whereupon I told her, that her entertaining Story had lasted for above three quarters of an hour, and that it was time to make an end, by reason, that it being near Eight a Clock, it would be late before she could get to Town. But, Madam, said she, I hope you will not be so pitiless as to refuse me a Lodging this night; for I am sure, pursued this Bitch, that my Enemies will wait for me hereabouts. You must not take it ill tho' I do, Good Woman, replied I, my Husband is not at home, and for that reason I cannot allow any other person to lie at my House. I added several other reasons more of the like Nature (for I began to dread some ill Event of this Enterprise) so that at length she told me, since that you make so much difficulty in this Matter, I will abridge my Discourse, and show you a Letter, wherein you may learn all things you stand in need of for the Abridgement of my Business. Thereupon feeling in her Pocket, she took out a Letter which I quickly knew again, and which set me a trembling and shivering after so terrible a manner, as if I had fallen into a Convulsion Fit: For it was the same I had put into the Rope-Dancer's Hands when I sent him to Thistleworth in such an Equipage as was described in the First Part of this Book.  
While I was reading this Letter, and that I seemed to dwell upon it with the highest Attention, I considered so well this counterfeited Woman, that at length, tho' it was a long time since, and that his  were very different from those he was used to wear, I knew again the Countenance of that abominable Thief, who had caused his Face to be shaved very smooth. Hereupon some one might tell me that there needed no more than to hear his Voice to perceive that it was a Cheat; but that of this Rogue was none of the deepest, insomuch that lisping and affecting a little of the Tone of the Female Sex, he might pass for a Woman of a middle Age. After that I had held this Letter for a pretty while, with trembling hands I delivered it to him without having almost the Power to utter 〈◊〉 word but in Stuttering. Well, my dear Angel, said the Rogue, with a smiling Countenance, have not I spoke the Truth, and can you not easily perceive by this Letter, all that my Business requires to have the perfect Understanding thereof? I made him Answer with a stuttering Tongue, that I knew not what he meant by that Letter, by reason that it was not at all conformable to the Story he had related; and that by Consequence he must have taken one Letter for another. However I am very well assured, replied he after a hasty manner, that you know well enough the Person to whom that Letter was written; and not to trouble our Heads with impertinent discourses, added he, know that I am the Man whom you sent in a Boat to Thistleworth; and that there was no other reason that made me keep this Letter so long than to convict you of that cursed Prank by your own hand writing. Do not believe, pursued he, that I have forgot your Face: For Spite and Vexation have so deeply imprinted it in my Heart, that it would be eternally ineffaceable. My Maid, to whom I had related this Story, looked upon me fixedly, with Eyes full of Sadness: For she certainly foresaw that this would not pass thus without some hurry and mischief: nevertheless I still pretended to be ignorant of the matter; and told him, that I knew not what he meant by all his Discourse, and that I could not imagine what he pretended to do, in shaping himself sometimes in the Posture of a Woman, and sometimes in that of a Man. I will then make use of other means, and taking at the same time out of his Pocket a Knife prodigiously long, Come, you Whore, said he to me, produce me immediately that Money thou tookest from me at that time, and my  also, with the Interest of so many years that have passed since; or immediately prepare thyself for Death. I started up as soon as ever I saw the naked Knife, and thought to have got out at the Garden Door, to have Recourse to crying and bawling out for Help; but seizing on me, he put the Knife to my Throat, swearing he would run it in, if I made the least Noise. Thus knew not I what to do in this Extremity: For tho' I did my best to persuade him that he was mistaken, my words found no Credit; and having no Design to rid myself of so much Money, I imagined that there was no better means to rid myself of this Misfortune, than to confess the thing, and endeavour to make him believe, that all I had done had only been through my Mother's Counsels, and afterwards to Caress him to such a degree, that his Choler might be at length appeased; but these means were all to no purpose, insomuch that I should then have been obliged to have given him as much and perhaps more Money, if I intended to preserve my life, which however would not have been the less in danger, when that of a sudden I heard a noise that was made by beating upon a Brass Kettle from the Top of our Garret, and such a terrible crying out of Murder, that all the House rung again. This Rural Alarm was given by my-Maid, who, while the Rope-Dancer was holding his Knife at my Throat, had stole up Stairs. God damn you, you execrable Whore you, said this Bloody Villain, as soon as he had heard this Sound and this Voice, thou shalt not come off however so cheaply; and thereupon shutting the Door, that I might not make my Escape, he ran up above; but the Maid had had the Prudence to pull up the Ladder after her, so that he could not do her any Mischief.  
In the mean while, having opened one of our Windows, and being got out there I set our Dog at Liberty, flattering my self, that I was then sufficiently secured against all Misfortune: For that Animal was prodigiously big, and would easily have torn to pieces two or three men; and by Consequence this Devil of a Murderer, if he had not been too cunning for him: for he no sooner perceived that the Dog came in all haste towards him, than that he stretched forth his left Arm, and the Dog planted his Teeth therein immediately. Now as my Cerberus stood upright, and had his Fore-feets against his Arm, he cut open all his Belly at one Slash with the Knife he had in the other, insomuch that the poor Creature fell upon the Ground, having still Life enough to see his own Entrails drop out; and tho' several People came to my help from the Houses thereabouts, as we could sufficiently perceive by the Noise they made, yet he pursued me so fast, and came so near me, that striking at me, he cut me over the Head, by which I could pass no other Judgement than that he intended to cut my Throat: And to make him believe that he had done my Business already, and to prevent any farther Mischief from him (for I had already perceived that my running away was all to no purpose, I fell topsy turvy upon the Ground, without uttering one word. As soon as he had committed this abominable Action, he let fall his Robes, under which was his Nun's ; and having got in a Moment to the Pails, which he mounted over, and so scudded away like a Hare, with such Swiftness, that he made a shift to escape before People could come in. By these means he made me lose the Pleasure I should have had in seeing him upon a Gallows. As soon as People saw the Condition I was in, they carried me to Fulham, where I had my Wound bound up for the first time.  
The day following a Justice of the Peace came to inquire into the business, I gave him a very pertinent account, except that I did not declare to him the cause for which that fatal accident had happened to me. But not to trouble the Reader with circumstances of small importance, I will only say that this fact was taken for a piece of robbery, and by consequence all manner of diligence was used to find out the Authors thereof, but all in vain.  
For my part, tho' I was so bravely marked yet I thought myself happy in my misfortune, for if I had kept him a night at my House, he would infallibly have rob me of all that I had in the night, and perhaps he would have marked me ten times as much, if he had not broke my Neck. It is not to be doubted but that the Devil himself inspired him with this design, and had made him find out the place of my abode, for I cannot imagine how he could have discovered it, for I was very rarely to be seen abroad, by reason I was very much afraid of my Husband and the Alderman, tho' it seemed as if by the length of time those Sparks had forgotten the mischief I had done them; for as for my Husband I had nothing to fear from him, by reason that I would not in any wise own that I had been his Wife; and touching the Alderman, that unlucky adventure had rendered him so Virtuous, that he no longer thought of me nor such like Persons; from whence I draw a sure consequence that he was obliged to me, and that therefore he would have done very ill, had he done me any mischief, because he might look upon me as the occasion of his Virtuous Life. Here it might be objected, that we must never do any mischief that good may come thereof, but my Maxims were wholly different from this, and I was very little concerned whether they were conformable or not with the Profane or holy Philosophy.  
But being half cured of this wound which I should not perhaps have received, if after having let lose the Dog in the Garden, I had immediately made use of my Heels; but I was willing to have the pleasure of seeing that Battle, wherein I did not doubt but that my Cerberus would remain the Conqueror, I went to take my Habitation again in the Town, by reason I was in sear that such like misfortunes might again happen to me; but tho' there Surgeons had me in cure, it was not however so well cured but that my Forehead remained scarified and spoiled, because the scars continued so visible, that they might have been perceived a Muskets-shot distance, Insomuch that since that time, I have been always obliged to wear Cornets, and my Forehead-wear of very thick Laces, that this imperfection might not be seen through the holes. At first by reason I had a very fine Forehead, I have shed many a tear upon that account, but afterwards custom became nature, with so much the more reason that I came to consider that there are many others, who for that they have an ill shaped Forehead, are obliged to dress themselves in this manner, for certainly it is not always to follow the Mode that Women wear Cornets; but it is most commonly to hid the imperfections of the Forehead; neverthless I should yet have been happy if I had been quit for that; but I had not dwelled full a year in the City, then that my Face, my Hands and all my Body became so yellow, by having been too often at the sport, that one would have said I had dwelled five or six years under the Equinoctial Line, so that I was constrained to make use not only of Spanish Paper, but also of Paint, unless I intended to lose my Commerce I would make here the description, after what manner it is used, as I have done in the former part touching the Red Colour that is given to the Cheeks; but because there are so many several sorts of paint, and that this artifice is become very common in our time, perhaps the pains I should take would be very little to the purpose; besides, I have an other reason for which I am not willing to engage in this matter, which is, that I should stand in need of ten times as much Paper as is fitting for the bulk of this Book to be, if I would relate here all the practices which the Female Sex makes use of to help nature, and tho' I should say nothing but what is conformable to truth, yet perhaps I should not always be allowed of as an infallible Author; for they practise so many strange things in this matter, that they seem at first absolutely incredible. By example. Who would believe if experience did not banish all Contradiction, that there are young Women who fasten Ropes to the top of their Beds, or some other thing, where lying on their Backs, they thrust their Hands therein? And this is done only that the Blood may retire, and they seem the whiter: And for that purpose they must endure the Penance of continuing lying in that manner for a whole night together without being able to turn on the one side or other: But I shall add here to something more surprising, which is, that as there have been some who having Warts, Freckles, or some such other like Deformities in their Faces, have taken off the Skin with biting Waters and such other like means, for the recovering a new Skin which might not be subject to be disfigured like the former. I am willing to believe that there are many Maidens to whom this will seem incredible, and particularly to those who have yet but very little experience, and who have always been kept under the lash of their Parents, yet it is as true as that we may with our Eyes discern the light and darkness: But this point has been sufficiently talked of, and methinks I hear some of those proud Creatures saying, that I ought to be burnt alive, because I so clearly reveal their secrets; but I am so little concerned at all their murmur, that if I was resolved to spoil more Paper, I would tell a thousand things more which I now pass under silence. There is no other reason which witholds me from so doing, but that I find myself weary of writing of Books. Yet people must not however imagine, that I am too great an Enemy of the Female Sex, on the contrary I know very well that my duty engages me to bear it affection: But at present I hate all manner of dissimulation, and am in love with nothing so much as plain dealing.  
Thus when I had dwelled about a year and half in the City, I had the adventure of making acquaintance with a certain Spark who was newly come from the East-Indies in the quality of a Merchant, and who, as is the custom of those Gentlemen, had brought along with him so much riches, that he might well enough spend the rest of his Life without putting himself to the Peril of going such an other Voyage.  
As soon as I was informed hereof by him who had had the goodness to bring him to my House, I put all manner of tricks and stratagems in practice to get part of his riches. The truth is, I succeeded reasonably well in this design; but I was forced to do and suffer more for him, than I had ever done for any other; for he had the Imperfection common to all those who come from that Country, which is, that he was of a very Brutish humour, and very subject to jealousy, that I could hardly pass an hour in peace with him, tho' for his money I showed him ten times more kindness than I should have done in my tender Youth.  
But it was now quite another thing; for since my age was increased, and that my Beauty was diminished, I had lost from time to time some or other of my Gallants, Insomuch that I found myself constrained, if I meant to satisfy my insatiable desire of heaping up money, to endure much more than I was used to do before. And indeed I became at length so audacious that he often threatened me to make me feel the heavyness of his Cane, and if I would have played the Beast, his threaten would undoubtedly have been followed with Execution, as I found afterwards by experience that he was no Man that lied of his word: Tho' I then gained great profit by my commerce with him, yet I took this in terrible Dudgeon, and moreover took a firm Resolution to hinder his ever coming to those extremities, or at least to do on my side all that was possible for me, to which purpose, in a little time a very fair opportunity was offered.  
One evening he came to my House where he found a Gentleman sitting by me, with whom I had had Frequentation a long while before his coming. He told me after a surly manner that he did not intent I should render myself so familiar with others, and that he had connived at it for a considerable time; but that henceforward he would prevent it, since he furnished me with sufficient to live upon. Very well, Cavalier, said I to him, perhaps you fancy you are still in the Indies, and that you have one of your slavish Wives. How long is it since you bought me, added I, since you arrogate so much Authority over me? Since I kissed you the first time, reparteed Maximus (so was his name) with a dreadful look, and since I have given you your livelihood. Well you scoundrel, said I to him (for I could no longer dissemble seeing he affronted me so villainously in the presence of an other, I never let myself be kissed yet by such Asses as you are, and I hope I shall never have the thought of having acquaintance with such a Beast.  
I had hardly uttered these words than that he applied to me two very fine Boxes of the Ear, which were followed with three or four swinging Strappadoes of the Cane, with a Garnish of about a dozen injurious words. I ran immediately to the Bed, where there was a Chamber-Pot, wherein I had cacked seven or eight times, for I had taken Pills that morning to purge my Body a little; and having run in both my Hands, I cast it upon Maximus' Breast with all the Strength and Fury of an enraged Woman, insomuch that the Pieces which were none of the thickest, flew so abundantly about his Ears, that his Eyes were quite blinded; and not being satisfied with this Revenge, I flew at his Hair and Face as if I had been some infernal Fury, while he was endeavouring to clear his Eyes that were all besmeared with T— d, and I imprinted my Nails so deeply in him, that Don Quixot was never more hideous to see when he had that famous Battle with the Cats in the Duke's House. I was also transported with such a Rage (for, as they say, a woman in Anger is worse than the Devil) that I should have rendered him incapable of ever having the use of his Sight, if the honest Gentleman, who, without opening his Mouth, unless it were to laugh, had all this while been Spectator of this Bustle, had not pulled me from him.  
Maximus had no sooner got lose from me, than that he was thinking to get Satisfaction for this Affront: But his Eyes not being well enough open, he ran so blindly against a Chair that stood near the Chimney, that he fell headlong into the Fire, wherein he burned the Curls I had left him; and if the honest Gentleman, who had already freed him once out of the Peril, had not come again to his Relief, he had had his Face in the most miserable Condition imaginable. Ha', Heavens! said he, as soon as he was got on Foot again, shall it then be said that I must endure so many Mischiefs for a Cursed Whore? And then flouncing again upon me, he intended to have renewed the Battery, but he was repulsed by the other, who, after having twice freed him out of the Danger, that not only he would not give him more Relief, but that he would himself become his Adversary.  
Maximus thus perceiving there was no Revenge to be had at that time, went out of the House, his  all covered with a Sirreverence, and his Head without Hair; but it was not without giving himself a thousand times to the Devil, that he would make me pay dearly for the Prank I had played him.  
In the mean while the Devil had an absolute Protection over him: For before ten days were at an end, he sent to beseech me, like a perfect Fool and mad man, that he might have the happiness of Drinking with me for the terminating our Quarrel. It seems he could not live without my Presence; and that Love and Jealousy were the Cause that he was always quarrelling with me.  
I told the Person who had received the Commission to come and make me this Compliment, that it was a Proposition that I could not at all comply with, unless I might have absolute Assurance of his good Will: For I had a Fancy that all this was done only to seek an Occasion to do me a Mischief. To make short, we became afterwards good Friends, by the Mediation of this Ambassador, and our Intrigue lasted for a Year, during which, Maximus was very careful to frequent me: But at the end of that time marrying with a Widow our Familiarity was lost by little and little. I say by little and little: For tho' he was married, he could not so well forget my Caresses, but that he still came to visit me from time to time; but because his Hands did not scatter Money with the same Liberality they did before; and that there were no more Indian Rarities for me to expect (for his Wife looked after them too narrowly) my counterfeit Inclination did cool so much with time, that at length he stayed at home without returning any more to my House.  
Now must I laugh at the foolishness of some men, whose unbounded Petulancy carries them sometimes so far, that they will forget the most horrible Affronts, only that they may not be banished from the Favour of a Woman, whose Caresses they must purchase, while that another may as well as them enjoy her Affections for his Money. Without lying, those men show that their Bodies have an Empire over their Minds, and that they are only Men, because they have the Figure of them: For is it not the greatest Sillyness, and the highest Madness that can be committed, that to satisfy the desire of a little Bit of Flesh, they proceed to the losing their Estates, their Reputations, and all they have dearest in the World, and undergo, and forget all manner of Affronts; neither more nor less than if you were obliged to endure them. Nevertheless, it would be in some manner excusable: For the Wisest that have ever been upon Earth, suffer themselves to be seduced by Women; if these Sparks were assured of the Inclination of those who cost them so much Money, and who make them suffer so much without their growing impatient.  
But to act in that manner with those Nymphs, who, like Hackney Horses are ready to serve every one, methinks, that since men have received so much Prudence, that it is a Shame for them to be led away to such Extravagancies. True it is, that Maximus had no great reason to treat me in that manner: But however I fancy, that he was still more to blame to court my Amity after I had used him so scurvily in the presence of another. Methinks that Shame alone ought to have forbidden him to have ever any Thoughts of me, unless he had a desire to show that he had a Resentment for those Affronts. But there are those who are yet more silly: For I have seen those, who without having given any Occasion, suffered themselves to be ashamed and affronted a thousand times a day, without however thinking of drawing the Foot out of the Snare, wherein their lascivious Passion has made them fall. But I will engage no farther in this matter, that I may not deviate any farther from my Subject.  
For two years' time after that I had rid myself of my Indian Merchant, I had so few Adventures of any Importance, that they do not deserve I should take the trouble to describe them; and to speak the Truth, I had, during that time, so little Commerce in Gallantry, that I did not gain so much as I had done before: for by reason that I still became more and more ugly, I received no Benefit from any body, unless it were from those whom I knew how to please by my Wit; but considering that's not great harm in Gallantry, especially to the Citizens, where they expressly desire Corporal Beauty; and on the contrary side what was worst, my Tricks began to become something too well known, that I lost one day one, and the next day another, which made me begin to think of the means of getting my Livelihood after another manner, namely by some Merchandise, for which I had Opportunity enough, being provided with a good Sum of Money. And I had also the less reason to be uneasy, in that I had Annuities to live on, as I have said in the first part; and that by Consequence I might live conveniently without troubling my Head with any Trade. True it is, that I must have taken Delight in a solitary sort of Life, and must have retrenched my Expenses which I had no great Inclination to do: On the contrary, I was so accustomed to a Libertine way of Living, and Pride had took such deep Root in my Heart, that it was a hard matter for me resolve to go after the Rate of a Shopkeeper's Wife.  
While I was thus contriving what would be most convenient and most useful to undertake, I began to imagine, that I should not do ill in setting up a Lace-shop, because that it is a Trade that requires no great trouble, and which brings a great deal of Profit; and particularly if you have the convenience of buying your Lace at the best hand. This design having been firmly concluded on, I left my House to the keeping of a Married Woman, and having taken with me a good Sum of Money, I went into Flanders and so to Brussels, to furnish myself with all things necessary for the garnishing a handsome Shop.  
Amongst other Passengers there was a Germane Lord, attended with two Footmen in rich Liveries. He had no sooner cast his eyes upon me, than that he imagined, perhaps, that my Face was as Beautiful, as Paint and Spanish Paper made it seem; and presently began to show his inclination, and upon the first occasion, he came and sat on the side of me, and as he had made good Provision for eating and drinking, he would not suffer in the least that I should meddle with my own Victuals; for really though the Germans do not for the most part contain a huge deal of Wit in their great Noddles, yet we must however give them this Commendation, that they show themselves much more Civil and Courteous towards Women, than many other Nations. His Civility made me immediately imagine, that some advantage might accrue to me from him; wherefore I used the Spark as amorously as was possible.  
To make short, before that we came to Newport, we agreed to spend a Night or two together at Antwerp, and to bring this to pass, he had gently slipped into my Breast three or four Broad-pieces of Gold.  
As soon as we were come to Antwerp we went to one of the most Considerable Ordinaries, where we Dined, and then we asked if we might lie there for two or three Nights, and that we had occasion for three Chambers at the least; namely, one for us, another for the German's Footmen, and a third for my Maid. The Landlord expecting to gain a considerable Sum of Money upon this Occasion, quickly caused all to be prepared we stood in need of, after which the Count and I took a turn to see the fine City of Antwerp, towards Evening we returned to our Inn, where my German who was a Brave Drinker, as are most of his Countrymen, fell to drinking Bumpers so hard with some Sparks who were also lodged there, that he became as drunk as a Beast, and in that condition came he to Bed to me. Certainly if I had then been something more given to Carnal Pleasures, I should have been something vexed and disappointed, for with Drunken Men there may be a great deal of Wind, but it seldom Rains; but as the principal Question was that of Money, I made no great Ceremony upon the point; yet since I make Profession of having a sincere heart in all things, I am willing to confess, that the Amorous Sport was not so unpleasant to me, yet you must also know that I was not over-well pleased with all those I had to do with, and that by Consequence I could not find my Divertisement with all manner of Gallants, for assure yourself when Misses endeavour to make Sparks believe, by their Counterfeit Motion, that they receive an unspeakable Pleasure; this is not out of a good intention, but to oblige the Cavalier to do his Work the sooner; and indeed, without being of a Nature insatiable in Lasciviousness, a Woman cannot find satisfaction in the Embraces of a Man she had never seen before.  
After we had been a pretty while in undressing him, wherein I was also assisted by his Men, we went to Bed, and I expected to have enjoyed a very peaceable Repose. But things do not always go according as we promise ourselves. Which you may see by my Germane, for though he was so beastly drunk, yet he had not forgotten for what reason he had desired to have me his Bedfellow, and tho' I used all imaginable means to make him defer that business until the Morning, for I was never willing to have to do with drunken Men, he would not be prevailed with, insomuch, that I was forced to prepare myself for it, unless that I had a mind to lose all I promised myself to gain by the Bargain.  
Whereupon I put myself into such a Posture as I thought most suitable to undergo the management a long time, for I foresaw he would be a long while doing his Work. But while we were thus busily taken up in our Affair, for I did also my best to be so much the sooner disengaged from him; the jogling did so raise the Wine, the Meat, and all the Germane had eaten that Evening, that in a moment he Vomited upon my Face a pot full of Filth, and this Evacuation being followed by three or four more of the same nature, I began to fear that Night would have been the last of my Life; for being so weary that I could hardly draw my Breath, which perhaps made me open my Mouth something too wide, there entered into my Throat such a great quantity of that villainous stuff, that I thought I had been stifled, and if I had not forced my Knight to quit the Saddle, I should have been but in a miserable Condition. Besides, that villainous stuff stunk so horribly, that having been put altogether in a Granado, they would have obliged a Man of War to have yielded, though it had been mounted with four and twenty pieces of Canon.  
An other Inconvenience followed upon the Heels of this, for as I was busy in cleaning my Mouth, my Stomach received the Air of this insupportable stink, so that I vomited all I had therein, with such a Violence, that I began to bleed at the Nose.  
In the mean while as I could not cry out I made such a noise with my Hands against the Bed's taster, that at length one of the Maids came up with a light, and seeing us in that posture, she set the Candle upon the Table and ran to tell her Mistress that we had spoiled one of her best Beds; for which reason she did not fail to make a terrible Noise; but this storm was appeased in a moment because the German who was very much ashamed at this accident, and who was then become something more sober, paid according to the Tax she set upon that he had spoilt.  
In the mean time while they were preparing another Bed, and I put on one of my Landladyes Smocks, and my Spark of a German who was something better furnished with fine Linen than myself, had clean Linen took out of his Portmantle, for those we had on could not be more Dirty nor more wet, tho' it had reigned T— rds and Surreverences upon them with full Palefuls, and we had marched naked in our shifts quite through it all.  
In the mean while the honest Gentleman drank a good quantity of Pump-water, and by this means the Fumes of the Wine which were already half evaporated by the vomiting, dissipated themselves so well by his vomiting, that it could hardly any longer be observed that he had been drunk, to which also his shame did much contribute he had of so Beastly an action. As for my part I remained peaceably sitting, and was studying of the means to make him pay for this disorder, for tho' he asked me a thousand pardons which I willingly granted him in appearance, I was loath to let him come off at so cheap a rate as to let him go .  
A thousand sort of thoughts rolled in my Head; but amongst all, there was not one wherein I did not find either impossibility or a too visible affectation, wherefore none of those means seemed to me more proper than the first which came into my fancy, whereof I will give you an immediate account.  
When that our second Bed was made ready, and that the Count imagined that the peace was entirely concluded, we went to sleep; which I could do with so much the more tranquillity for that I saw there would be nothing to do until the depth of the night. However I, as I never knew what profoundly sleeping was, I heard the Germane several times make water, for tho' he had so swinginly skinned the Fox there was still in his Body humidity enough remaining, to fill the Chamber pot. It was about break of day when he was again awaked out of his sleep, and he almost filled the Pot quite full, as I could easily perceive by the noise he made.  
Methoughts it was then time to put my design in execution: Wherefore I pretended to start out as a Dream; ah my dear little Angel, said I to him, I desire you would give me the Pot a little, my dear heart, said he to me, it is so full I know not if you can make use of it. Yes well enough, replied I, my Bladder is not so great, and besides I know not if I can make water. Then the poor Ninnyhammer took the Pot in both his Hands and gave it me, and stood till I had done, for by reason the Pot stood upon a Chair by the Bedside, and that he lay on the same, expecting to set it in its place again, and indeed I was for above a quarter of an hour without letting fall a drop, tho' I still made Faces as if I strained hard; but when I perceived he was fallen again asleep, I got me up and fell plump upon his Body, neither more nor less than if I had been entangled in the Bed-Cloaths, I overturned the Pot and so let all the Urine fall upon his Face. 'Sblood and Death, said the Germane, as soon as he felt the weight of my Body and that innundation of unexpected rain, I believe that the Devil reigns in this House, otherwise how should one receive so many misfortunes in one night alone? Thereupon leaping with his naked Breech out of the Bed, he blasphemed and made such a noise as if the Man had been possessed with a Devil. He called out for light. At the same time I jumped also out of Bed, for in a moment he was so wet, that you could hardly find a dry place the bigness of a Pin's-head, and tho' I had the greatest pain imaginable to contain myself from laughing, I beseeched him in terms of Lamemation, that he would not attribute to me the fault thereof; that it was a mischance; and that I was ready to do all that he pleased to give him Contentment. Done upon that Condition, said the Germane, and moreover I cannot take it in ill part, tho' it had been done on purpose, but yet I am willing to have a better Opinion of you.  
In the mean while the Landlady came up with a light grunting all the way, because she was not suffered to sleep at rest, and seeing this second Bed was as well spoiled as the other. By my soul, said she, I cannot but believe that you are resolved to make me mad to night: Ah my dear Landlady, I conjure you to be silent, said the Germane, who could hardly open his Eyes by reason of the sharp humour of the Piss, reckon only what is due for this damage, and give us another Bed; I am resolved to see if the Devil will come and play his part too there.  
All this while I bitten my Lips so hard that the blood was ready to gush out, for as I saw the Piss still trickling from his Hair into this poor Wretches Eyes, I was taken with so great a desire to laugh, for I would willingly have given a Guinney or two to have eased and given that satisfaction to my Breast. Thus were we led again into another Chamber by the Woman, grumbling and scolding, after which the Germane put on another clean Shirt; thus did he shift himself three times that Night, which undoubtedly he never did before since he was Born.  
After this disastrous Night, we sojourned two days longer in this Inn; but it was with more good luck, for afterwards there happened no Mischances to us.  
After which, my Honest Germane departed for Nechelen, where he said he had some Affairs, and would very willingly have took me along to have accompanied him thither; but because I was willing to think on my Concern, I gave him many thanks for his offer, and went my way to Bruxelles with my Maid, though perhaps, I had not done ill, if I had gone along with him, for he was a Debonnaire Spark, and as Amiable and Courteous, as a Woman could desire.  
We stayed about a Week at Bruxelles, as well to see the Town and Court, as to buy the things for which we came thither; I do not question but that I might have made some Gains there, for New Flesh is commonly desired, and sought after; but the fear I was in that the poor Spanish Courtiers would not pay me according to my Merit, I thought I should do better in sparing my Glances, and bestow them upon others who had wherewith to recompense me well, in case that Fortune was still so favourable to me, that she would address some more of those Sparks to me again. But whereas during my Youth, she had been as a Mother in such Encounters, she began to become a Mother-in-Law towards me; for since this Voyage into Brabant, I have had so few Occupations, that one would have believed by seeing the closing of my Tuzzy-Muzzy, that I had recovered a new Maidenhead in my old days. Nevertheless, I might have found some few to whom I should not have been so unacceptable, if I would have suffered them to have made use of me for nothing; but that I could never be brought to, because by that means I might have come to be despised; with so much the more reason as that I stood not in so much need of Money as to run the danger of losing my health for a Crown or an Angel.  
As soon as I was returned from Flanders, with a sufficient quantity of Laces, I caused the entrance of my House to be prepared for the making a shop thereof, and not to live on that trade alone (for I knew not if I should gain by it, and I was used to keep a good Table, I took a Miss to lodge with me, who according to appearances, should serve me in the Quality of a Shop Maid, though this was only to exercise with her the same Trade I had done before with my own Flesh; and for that cause, for the drawing the more profit from thence, I instructed her with all those things which a Lady of Pleasure ought to know, for the heaping up a Sum of Money wherewith she may maintain herself during her Old Age. I acquainted her after what manner she was to show Affection to Men in Years; how she was to comport herself with the younger; what she was to observe in the first Visits; by what marks she might judge if a Man was liberal or stingy.  
In short, I imparted to her all those Instructions that experience had taught me, and if my Lessons were set down in Writing, I am sure, that those Women who could make due use of 'em would receive no small profit by 'em; but because I have no design to spur on others to do ill, I will rather bury them in an Eternal Silence, that I may not be accused of having led into a wrong way the Children of Persons of Honour.  
My design succeeded as well as I could have desired, for my Shop served for a pretext to gentlemen's coming into my House, and all was so peaceably governed there, that my nearest Neighbours hardly knew that I committed the least thing that was not honest, becoming and Civil.  
This Commerce had lasted about four years without my receiving the least Cross or Traverse, when I was taken with a fit of Sickness, which in a few days brought me to the brink of Death. As then in such rencounters people become something wiser than they used to be, and as the thoughts of Death makes us often make promises to him, whom one does not think of in ones Health, I also made Vows that if ever I recovered again, I would lead a better Life, and that I would abandon all the Means which I had thitherto made use of. I know not if my Prayers were heard, or if my Sickness was come to its term, yet by degrees I returned to my former Condition; the truth is, I put the Miss out of the House as I had made a Vow to do, and that after this time I have never had any other of the same Condition; but yet I must confess by reason I will not have the reputation of having ever been a Dissembler, that the Flesh has been some times stronger than the Spirit; nevertheless I have at last gained the Victory over that Enemy, or if you will have it so, Years have rendered me so ugly, that no Body now comes to torment me any more for such like things. However I do not speak after this manner, but that infallibly I shall not be believed if I would pass for a Virtuous Person, which might be contradicted by a certain place of this second part, as also by my way of writing which is something bold and libertine; but I content myself with the testimony that my Conscience gives me, and it is the something to me whether I am thought discreet, virtuous or debauched; because that I have Experience enough in the World to know that it often blames Wise and Sober Persons, and often praises and extols such as are lewd and vicious. Nevertheless I am not of the rank of those who after having led a vicious Life during their Youth, and then becoming Converts, pretend to by gottism, and walk holding their right-Hand upon their Heart as the truly Devout do, or, if you please, seem as modest and as plain as poor Susanna is commonly painted between those two old Ruffions. On the contrary I am like to those old Coachmen who can willingly hear the sound of the Whip, with so much the more reason, as that it seems rather a folly than a probity to forbid Men Joy and Mirth, by sad and Melancholy Grimaces. It is a privilege that we have preferably to all other Creatures, and for that reason I have done it as often as things required, and I do not believe that I can desist from it tho' a number of curious Fools should tax me with being a Person of ill Conduct, until that Death has closed up my Mouth.  
FINIS.   

Books Printed for H. Rhodes next the Bear Tavern near Bride-lane in Fleetstreet.  
1. THe Strange and Prodigious Religions, Customs, and Manners of sundry Nations. Containing, First, The ridiculous Rites and Ceremonies of the Heathens in the Worship of their several Deities. Secondly, The various changes of the Jewish Religion, and the state it is now in; with a full Relation of the Apparitions that foretold the fall of Jerusalem; as also of the dreadful Famine, wherein a Woman roasted and eat her own Child, with all the Cicumstances of the final Destruction of that Famous City under Titus. Thirdly, The Rise and Growth of Mahometanism, giving an account of the Doctrine of the Turkish Alcoran; viz. their Commandments, and their strange Pilgrimage to Mecca, etc. with the Life of that Crand Impostor Mahomet. As also, Remarks on the Life of Scanderbag, with the many Victories he gained over the Turks. Fourthly, the Schisms and Heresies in the Christian Church; being an account of the Blasphemies of those grand Heretics the Adamites, Muggletonians, etc. and all intermingled with pleasant Relations of the Fantastical Rites both of the Ancients and Moderns in the Celebration of their Marriages and Solemnisation of their Funerals, etc. Faithfully collected from Ancient and Modern Authors; and adorned with divers Pictures of several remarkable Passages therein. By R. D. Price bound one shilling.  
2. The History of the Glorious Life, Reign, and Death of the Illustrious Queen Elizabeth. Containing an Account by what Methods the Reformation of the Church of England and Scotland were promoted and established; and what Obstructions it met with. The many Propositions of several great Princes to marry her, and her Answers to them: with a perfect Relation of the several horrible Attempts of the Papists against the Sacred Life of her Majesty, by Conspiracies, Rebellions, Assassinates, and poisoning. The whole Affair of the Queen of Scots, the several Commotions of England, Scotland, Ireland, France, and the Low Countries, during her Reign. Sir Francis Drake's Voyage round the world, with his several Expeditions into America. Her aiding and assisting the Protestants of France and the Low Countries. Her Alliances with several Protestant Princes, The Defeat of the, so called, Invincible Armado, in Eighty Eight; The taking and burning of Cadiz, by the English; with all the other remarkable Occurrences of that Time, By S. Clark. The second Edition Corrected, to which is now added, an Account of the many Troubles she suffered before she came to the Crown. Illustrated with Pictures of some considederable matters; curiously engraven on Copper Plates. Price 1 s.