KNAVES ARE No honest Men. OR, More Knaves yet, A Couple well met.  
Being A brief Discourse concerning the (Offices and) Humours of Quarterman and Warerton, being both Jacks out of Office.  
Which if they were nameless,  
yet I make no doubt,  
A man that hath senses,  
may soon smell them out.  
Composed by I. L. a lover of honest Men, and hater of Knaves; and Printed in the year of the discovery of a Couple.   

More Knaves yet: Or, A Couple well met.  Quarterman. 
WHat, Brother Warerton! Now as I am a Gentleman, and by this martial hand of mine, I rejoice to see thee: and though the splendent Sun of our Glory he now Eclipsed for a while, yet let us not quite cast down our drooping spirits; but let us rather strive to comfort one another, and seek to thaw the Frozen Zone of our careful hearts with a Cup of Old Canary.  Warerton. 
Brother Quarterman, I most humbly thank you for your kindness; and am most willing to attend your portly person to the Tavern, but I beseech ye Sir, nor too much of that Canary: for indeed the truth is, we are counted Canarie-Birds by too many already; and therefore it is sufficient that we content ourselves with a Quart (or a Pottle) of  Claret, and so to clarify our injuried souls from the scandalous report of our reproachful enemies.  Quart. 
How! Who dare be so presumptuous, as to take notice of our proceed? It is not so long that we have been out of our Offices, for all the world to take notice; Let us make ourselves busy still: Hast thou never an old Staff of Office to take in thy hand; were it but the thick end of a Broome-stick should appear in mine, in the likeness of a Truncheon, it were enough to strike terror into the hearts of a hundred people: But what News dost thou hear abroad, I prithee, concerning the Times?  Wat. 
Verily, brother Quarterman, it is suspected amongst our Brethren, that the King will come to the City, which cannot be without great prejudice to all our Society, and to us two especially: for as I hope to live, or to be honoured with the Name of High-Constable of Wapping again, I had rather see Paul's Steeple fall to the very ground, than the King should come with honour to London again.  Quart. 
I'll fallen thee, Brother Warerton, if so be that I had persevered still in the seveare Office of my merciless Marshallzie, I would have had Paves by this time been ready to run into little St. Gregory's, for her sanctuary, which now by reason I am jack out of office, (and the Kings coming to town,) may be prevented, other ways it could not have stood: for when I was first made Marshal, I had no sooner entered into my Office but Cheape-side-Crosse fell presently into an Agony, and I had no sooner said, down with it, but down it went: Heavens grant that I never may see the resurrection of the body thereof, lest I should be called into question for my presumption at the pulling of it down.  Wat. 
Indeed Brother Quarterman, it was an admirable piece of service for the pulling down of that superstition and idolatry, and therefore there is none but such as are inclined to Popery that can accuse you for doing of that great work of piety.  Quart. 
Verily Brother Warerton, a man would have thought so, and yet for all that I was never the better beloved in the City, for my great care and painstaking in those pious works of Reformation.  Wat. 
Hang love, (Brother Quarterman,) since we can not have it, for indeed it belongs not to men of our quality to be beloved, but rather to be feared, yet the truth, is both you and I have been too favourable in our Offices, and as the old saying is, too much pity spoils a City.  
For this should be our common use,  
Never to take, but give abuse:  
To hang upon the rich men's purses,  
And gain a thousand beggars curses.  Quart. 
Nay, by the mass Brother Warerton, I never wanted for beggar's curses, and the rich sometimes to boot, I would they had cause to curse me still, for I was like to the Kite, the more they cursed me the better I thrive, and they shall have good cause for't as long as I live.  Wat. 
I, but a lass Sir the staves are now delivered out of our own hands, and we both being both disarmed of our Authority, are subject unto injury as well as other men, (and by pie and pudding,) now that I am turned out of my Office I am afraid that I shall be called to give an account, for some things that have been done in the time of my Constableship brother (Quarterman) this was a very strange and unexpected alteration; that I who lately durst punish or imprison right or wrong, am now of a sudden come to that pass that I can secure my person no more than he that never bore Office before in all his life time.  Quart. 
Truly Brother Warerton, the case is not only yours, but also mine, for I do verily believe that we are both sick of one disease, and the one as uncureable as the other, for which the only Physic is as followeth, an ounce of honour, mixed with a pottle of preferment, put into a gallon Boule of security, and made into a posset, under the great miltch Cow of the Commonwealth.  Wat. 
And is that good for an Ague I pray you brother Quarterman, for I feel a kind of shaking and shivering in my bones, that I am afraid things are not as they should be with me.  Quart. 
Well, truly and I do believe that the most of our Blood is troubled with the same disease, are they not think you ● pray ye tell me how all does about you in Wapping, and Stepney Parish, how fares it with my two Brothers Andrew and Benjamin, my Sister Prudence and Priscilla. with the rest of our dear beloved Friends and Tub-Preachers, are not they troubled with a shaking too? if they be not already, I am afraid it will come upon them very shortly, if they use not some speedy means to prevent it.  Wat. 
I but do you think there is no other cure for us, but that only which you told me of before.  Quart. 
Yes, the best way else is to take a wooden Horse, and so h●yst away for New-England, for the change of the Country may be the means to alter the constitution of the body.  Wat. 
But stay, I'll see a little further first, a man had almost as good venture a hanging here, as to leave his friends and means behind him, to hazard a drowning, to go to New-England or Virginia.  Quart. 
O Sir, but you look very ill on't already, and your disease gins to appear very desperate, and desperate diseases requires desperate cures, as the Proverb saith; 
And therefore Brother as you will,  
Either go, or tarry still.   Wat. 
In truth Brother Quarterman, you and the Doctor are both in one opinion of me, and most men tells me that I droop mightily of a sudden and indeed I find a great alteration in myself, not to be the like man I have been formerly, neither at home nor abroad: but if it be so that rich men are mortal and must die, I'll now take my chance in Old-England, and if I die well, so; if ill, then let all (High-Constables) learn to be good in their Offices, and take heed how they lean too much upon a Rotten-Staffe, though ne'er so rich●y painted.  Quart. 
Well, would I had considered as much before as I do now, for I perceive that he who meddles the least, is counted for the honestest man, and if you and I had taken that course, I think it had been the wisest way for us both.  Wat. 
Why, if I had known of it. I would have sent you word by one of my servants, to have given you noitce of some of your Adversaries, by a trusty friend, one Monk a Cobiet, and one of the bravest fellows to carry a message in the world; were it betwixt the Turk and the Devil, he would have let no flies stick upon his heels I warrant you, but would have helped you to have scoured your enemy, from the very nose to the touchhole behind.  Quart. 
But now Brother Warerton, I think it would be a wise course both for you and me, as the times go, to seek our peace, and be in charity with all men.  Wat. 
O Sir, but it is a question whether they will be in Charity with us or no, for indeed the time hath been that they would, when we would not, ye know that we have had good days▪ when they have felt sorrow, for before that I was thrown out of my Office then who but M. Warerton High Constable of Wapping, how then but good your worship standing with their hats in their hands, with bending knees, & now alas there is a qualm come over my stomach, good Brother Quarterman fill me the t'other cup of Claret quickly.  Quart. 
What, ill again man? your fits comes very thick upon y●u.  Wat. 
Yes Brother Quarterman, but I wonder they come no faster upon thee, you told me that to take a wooden Horse and so for new England was the second best medicine, but what do you think by the wooden Horse, the Gallows I pray ye, they say that that's good for an Ague too, and you being so well acquainted with the Hangman, I make no doubt but he will give you leave to choose your corner.  Quart. 
I but Brother Warerton, I hope you are not come to jeer me for my good counsel?  Water. 
No Brother Quarterman, and yet I have heard that as honest a man as either you or I has died in the winter.  Qua. 
Brother Warerton, to tell you the very truth, I thought that I had an Ague upon me, which now I find other ways, and rather that it is a strong surfeit which I took above a dozen years ago.  Water. 
Why, was it with eating hot grains with a Sow for a wager, at that time you played the Brewer's servant.  Quart. 
Well Brother Warerton, but I am sure that you took not a surfeit when you strove with the woman at Wapping for your Christmas Days Dinner, as they call it, when you took the piece of lean beef from her, and she saved you a labour in fetching your Pie, and Pudding, from the Bakehouse.  Wat 
Well, but for all that I verily believe mine is a surfeit too, and as I imagine a cold surfeit, which as near as I can, I'll tell you how I came by it, upon a cold winter's night a Seaman and his wife came at an unseasonable hour from drinking which I perceiving, and being loath to disturb the Neighbours, or trouble the Watch, went in courtesy to help them to a lodging myself, which indeed was the Cage, and coming to the door when I opened the Lock, the knavish Seaman being too strong for me, thrust me in, and withal lo●kt the door again, and then threw away the Key into a Ditch, and when he had done, he went away laughing at the knavish trick which he hah served me.  Quarter. 
Oh what an impudent Rascal was that, to offer to be so presumptuous, a● to put you into the Cage, knowing you to b● the High-Constable of Wapping, and on● that had borne Office so long in the Parish as you have done: but was none of you● Neighbour's near at that time, to stop th● Knave before he were gone too fare?  Wat. 
No indeed, and they were, it seeme● they bore me not so much goodwill as to do it, for as I beard since, they rejoiced at it, and laugh at the business as much as the knave tha● did it.  Quart. 
It seems by the Story there wa● good neighbourhood among them, and yet m● thinks that if they would not do it for love● fear should have compelled them to have d●n● it, but how long did you stay there?  Water. 
Marry till such time as the Roun● came by to release me, and then I had like to have had my b●a●nes knocked out.  Qu●rt. 
Your brains knocked out man, (marry Heavens forbidden,) by what means I pray you Sir?  Wat. 
By one of the watchmen, who had got a cup in his head more than the rest of his fellows, coming to the Cage and ask what I was, to whom I answered, saying, M. Warerton, High-Constable of Wapping▪  Quart. 
Well, but I hope he did not offer to strike or abuse you for telling him the truth?  Wat. 
No, but he put me into a damnable fear that he would have done it, being mistaken in the dark he told me I lied, and said if I would not hold my prating, but abuse the High-Constable of Wapp●ng's name in that manner, he would knock my Coxcomb for me, as it was never knocked since the first time that my Dam bound my head.  Quart. 
Alas good honest Gentleman, than it seems that you were almost in as bad a case as poor transformed Actaeon was, who appearing in a strange shape, was torn to death by his own Dogs: and you being heard to speak so in an unexpected place, peradventure might have had your brains beat out: by your own Friend the Watchman, and so here's to you the other cup of Claret.  Wat. 
Verily Brother Quarterman; I must unbutten a button or two before, for my Doublet grows too strait in the waste already, and yet for all that my Sure is made so little, I am afraid that the Tailor's Bill will be made as much too large, when he and I shall come to a reckoning together.;  Quarter. 
Well, but I would wish the knave to take them again, were it my ●ase although I were at some loss, to be rid o● the troublesome Scab, for the law is chargeable you know.  Wat. 
Yes Sir, but who would have thought that the times would have changed so suddenly with me, for at that present I had the law in mine own hands, and the proudest Tailor amongst them all durst not have resisted, not questioned the matter in those days, but now I could wish with all my heart, that two or three of my loving Neighbours would take up the business betwixt us, and it should be a warning to me how I meddle with strange Tailors any more, but I'm afraid very few will take my part, but rather rejoice to see the Tailor take vengeance on my purse, because formerly I took so little pity on theirs.  Quart. 
I Sir, but not of all your Neighbours, I hope you put a difference betwixt the good and the bad? and though forty or fifty fared the worse, I make no doubt but others came off the better?  Wat. 
No indeed Brother Quarterman, it was not only forty nor fifty, but hundreds, nay even the whole parish, and some as far as Bow, and Brumley, which I could wish they were all as fare as Rome.  Quarter. 
I, but Brother Warerton, I hear there's a worse thing than all this, which is like to come upon us very shortly.  Wat. 
Why, what is that I pray you?  Quart. 
Marry they say that the running Stationers of London, I mean such as use to sing Ballads, and those that cries Malignant Pamphlets in the Streets, have all laid their heads together, and are framing a bill of indictment against us, because divers times to show the power of our Authority, we have taken perforce or torn their ridiculous Papers.  Wat. 
By the mass I thought that some thing was the matter that made the knave so scawcie on Tower-Hill the other day, for I did but bid him to be gone, and not to stand bawling of his Ballads in that manner, and he told me that he would sing there when I was hanged, nay, perhaps (quoth he,) one that shall be of thy own Execution.  Quarter. 
But what was the subject of the matter that he sung at that time I pray you?  Wat. 
For that I do not well know, because he had almost done before I came to him, but I'm sure the knave prayed both for the King, and the Queen too, in the conclusion.  Quart. 
And would not the people check him for his impudency, and take your part?  Wat. 
Marry they were more readier to uphold him in his knavery, and break my pate.  Quart. 
Well, than it seems that you are in a manner as well beloved in the Suburbs as I was in the City formerly; which indeed is, as the Devil loves holy-water, if their hearts were according to their hands, in a late Petition of theirs, against me.  Wat. 
I, brother Quarterman, and if they knew but as much knavery by you, as I do by myself, I would be hanged if they would not, have had a Book, or a Ballad, out of us both by this time: I thank them hearty, 've remembered me already in their last Christmas Caroll, because that Mast. Diu with his Dagger, and myself, suffered no Plums to come to Ratcliffe-Crosse, to make their profane Pottage on that morning.  
Thus got I hate of many, love of none.  
(Boy, take the Reckoning) now I must be gone.  Qu. 
Well, brother Warerton, with all my heart; I'll take my leave too, friends you know must part.  And so farewell. 
FINIS.