THE Loyal Observator: OR, Historical MEMOIRS of the Life and Actions of Roger the Fiddler; Alias, The Observator.  Ralph. 
HEre's a clutter with Observators three or four times a week! And an everlasting Din about whigs and Trimmers, and the Devil and all of Business! Prithee, Nobbs, let thee and I set up an Observator; 'Tis a pretty Trade, and next to that of an Informer, one of the most Thriving in these dull times. There's an Old Fellow in Holborn gets (they say) Forty Shillings a Paper certain Pension, besides By Jobs of two or three Hundred Guineas at a lump: And yet frets, and foams, and raves, because he's no better Rewarded.  Nobbs. 
When all the swarming Intelligencers were silenced, and Thompson muzzled, and Care run away, and Curtis and Janeway (Poor Snails!) had pulled in their Horns, and were crept into their Original Shells, I was in hopes the Nation should no more have been pestered with this Make-bate-Trumpery; But since the Incorigible Squire scribbles on as eagerly as ever, I see no reason why we may not put in for a Snack; For a Pamphlet's a Pamphlet, whether it be writ by Roger the Fiddler, or Ralph the Corn-Cutter.  Ralph. 
But I bar all discourse of Religion or Government, and Reflections on particular Persons.  Nobbs. 
Prithee hast thou got a new Invention to make Butter without Cream? Or the Apothecary's Trick, to give us Oxycrocium, and not a dram of Saffron in't? Alas man! 'tis the very Essence of an Observator to be full of Mysteries of State, and its Privilege to fall foul on any Body. How many hundreds have been Libelled that way? Nay, Persons of highest Honour and Office have scarce escaped him of late. Suppose I have a mind to a good warm Place of Credit and Profit, (and for such Dainties Old Men may Long, as well as Young Women) what have I to do, but Print an Observator, upbraid the Government with my Services and Disappointments, acquaint the World what Preferments I would be at, and put my Superiors roundly in mind on't; As much as to say, Sirs! You are ungrateful, and neither understand your own Interest, nor my Merits. Then suppose I receive a Rub from some Persons of Quality that don't think me worthy; Strait I at 'em with another Observator, and Expose 'em as Trimmers and Betrayers of the Government; and so Revenge myself, that no body for the future shall dare Oppose my Pretensions.  Ralph. 
A clever Course! But methinks somewhat saucy; and he that practices it deserves no other Advancement but to the Pillory or Whipping-Post. However, since there's an Old Proverb— That One may better steal a Steed, than Another peep over the Hedge; I know not whether every Observator may be allowed the like Prerogative: Therefore still I say I'll not meddle with Edg-Tools.  Nobbs. 
What then shall we talk of nothing at all?  Ralph. 
No, but of something next to Nothing, that is, the Ouservator Himself: I go sometimes to SAM's, where People cry him up as the Atlas of the Church, the Argus of the State, the very Buckle-and-Thong of Loyalty: And you see how he vapours of his Forty Years Service to the Crown: Therefore I would gladly be informed what Mighty Exploits he performed during the Old Rebellion, what Commands he had, how many. Thousand Pounds he expended, what Scars of Honour he received.  Nobbs. 
You must note, The Gentleman was a Younger Brother, (the Scandal of a worthy Family, who have long been ashamed of him) and so far from being able to Contribute to the Royal Cause, that during his Youth, Phill. Porter's Blow was his best Maintenance; and 'tis observed, That he lived more splendidly under the Usurper, than ever before or since: Whence some have thought, that the same Wind which hurried Old Noll to Old Nick, might also puff away this Gallant's Coach and Horses: For though he kept such an Equipage before, they were never afterwards visible.  Ralph. 
This is nothing to his Personal Gallantry; Perhaps he Rescued the Standard at Edg-hill, stormed Towns (as Mountebanks draw Teeth) with a Touch, or Routed whole Armies of the Rebels, like Almanzor.  Nobbs. 
No, no; Valour is none of his Talent: He has more Wit then to hazard his Precious Person with any Gun but Joan's; wisely considering, that if a man happen to be Spitted through the Lungs, or have his Brains dulled with a Lump of Lead, 'twould go near to spoil his writing of Observators for ever, and then what would become of the Government? He marches, indeed, equipped with a Sword, but 'tis only for Ornament: for he has not so much Courage as a Guinney-Pig; a Boy of Fourteen may at any time dis-arm him with a Bean-Stalk. Did you never hear how Captain C. of Richmond Observatored him? Or how the Life-Guard-Man wrought a Miracle, and (for a moment) made him honest.  Ralph. 
Of the first I have had some inkling; he had Libelled some of the Captain's Relations, who thereupon gave him the Discipline of the Battoon, and made him Dance without his Fiddle; which he received as became a Philosopher: And 'tis the best Argument he has to prove him a Christian, because Preces & Lachrymae were all his Defence.— But for the Adventure of the Liseguardman, I am in the dark.  Nobbs. 
The Business was thus,— About the year 1677. One Cole having a Sheet against Popery, called, A Rod for Rome, (or some such like Title) bearing hard upon the Jesuits, sent it up for a Passport, Mr. Observer refused it, (as he generally did things of that Nature) yet could give no reason; (For he was not so Ungenteel as to boast the Kindnesses he did the Romans.) Thus it lay by, till after the Discovery of the Plot, when the Old man sent it again by Mrs. Purslow a Printer: who having made 40 Jaunts in vain, at last sent: her Maid for his Positive Answer, but she not being so much in his Favour as the Lass (once) in Duck-lane, (to whom he never denied any thing,) he returned it, swearing most Bloodily that he would not Allow it; As the Wench came forth, who should she meet with but a Gentleman of the Guard, her Acquaintance; who understanding what she had been about, read the Copy, goes back with her, and as soon as he came into the room, displaying the Paper by one corner, as an Ensign of War, gins— D— me, do you deny such an Honest Thing against the Papists, ha'? The Observator was just ready to Atkinize his Breeches, and with a thousand French Cringes and Grimaces, Cries— Good Sir! Noble Sir! As I'm a Gentleman, I never refused it, only the Maid importuned me when I was busy,— and presently B●scrawl'd the Paper with his Licentious Fist; The Wench was fumbling for the Half-Crown, but her friend plucked her away abruptly, and our Observator was glad he was so well rid of him, though with the loss of his Fee.  Ralph. 
But still where are the Instances of his Achievements for Charles the Martyr? He boasts in twenty of his Pamphlets, how near he was to the Honour of the Gallows; What was he to be Hanged like Mum-Chance, for doing nothing?  Nobbs. 
No, but for doing nothing to the purpose. Did you never see a little Hocus by slight of hand popping a piece several times, first out of one Pocket, and then another, persuade Folks he was damnable full of money, when one poor Sice was all his Stock: Just so the Iliads of our Observators Loyalty, when Examined, dwindle into one single, sorry, ill-managed Intrigue at Lynn. Which was nakedly thus.  
About Novemb. 44. The Town of Lynn being in the Rebels hands, the Gentleman you wots on, pretending abundance of Interest there, when indeed he had none at all, procured a Commission from His Majesty to Reduce it, graciously promising him the government of the Town, if he could effect it, and payment of all Rewards he should promise, not exceeding 5000 l. etc. The Hare-brained Undertaker could think of no other way to Reduce it, but by sending for one Captain Leamon of Lynn, (one that had taken the Covenant, and a known Zealot for the Rebels Cause) to a Papists House two or three miles off, and very discreetly blunders out the Business; shows him his Commission, promises him 1000 l. and other preferments if he would betray the Town, adding, That the King did value the surprising that Town as half his Crown. [A very likely Tale!] Leamon perceiving what a weak Tool he had to deal with, seems to comply, but the same night acquaints the Governor, Colonel Walton, and (according to promise) meets our Skulking Town-taker next day, but carried with him a Corporal in Seaman's Habit; To whom he also very frankly shown his Commission. In the mean time, Lieutenant Stubbing, and five Soldiers habited like Seamen, came from Lynn to the house, and then the disguised Corporal seizes our Gallant Undertaker, who tamely surrenders both his Person and Commission; and so being brought to London, it being proved at a Court Martial at Guild-Hall, and by himself Confessed, That he came into the Parliaments Quarters not in an hostile manner as a Soldier, but without Drum, Trumpet, or Pass, as a Spy, and had tampered with their Officers to betray the Garrison, he was for the same Sentenced to be Hanged, Decemb. 28.44, and passing from the Court through the Crowd, uttered these Heroic words— I desire all people would take warning by me, that there may be no more Blood shed in this kind. However by Appealing to the Lords he shuffled off present Exeeution, and having lain some time in Newgate, obtained his Liberty; but upon what valluable Considerations, must remain a Riddle, unless his after Familiarity with Cromwell, and the unaccountable Port that he afterwards lived in, during those times, help to explain it.  Ralph. 
The Total of the Account than stands thus,— 1. That the Gentleman abused the good King with a false Story; It seems he thought it as easy a matter to Surprise a Town, as to overrun the Printers Wife; but was shamefully defeated in both. 2. He managed the Affair like a rash Coxcomb, and was out-witted by a dull heavy Round-head. 3. Had it succeeded, though acknowledged Justisiable, (such practices being often used in Wars, much more in the Case of Rebels, where the seeming Treachery is but Duty) yet there is little of Glory to be derived from such a pitiful Tampering Employ, only it seems he was not judged Capable of any more Brave and Honourable, and therefore must make his most of this. 4. When he was in Danger of the Noose, he Repent even of this his Loyal undertaking, and Sneaked most pitifully, and at last got off Suspiciously.— So much for his Old Services. Now let's hear of his Exploits since the Restauration.  Nobbs. 
— No sooner was that Blissful Change, but our Observator first endeavoured to set the old Cavaliers at Variance, and wrote against that faithful Servant to the Crown, the Learned and Loyal Mr. James Howel, and as far as he durst snarled at the Court and Chief Ministers for not preferring himself (forsooth) as well as others. And to be taken notice of, In Defiance to the Act of Indemnity, and of his Majesty's most excellent Declaration touching Ecclesiastic Affairs, (A Sovereign Balm that was like to heal all our Wounds, and Mortify for ever the Designs of Rome) he began to rip up old Sores, and blow the Coals of Division amongst Protestants under pretence of Exposing the Presbyterians; yet still the Devil of Self-Interest Jogged his Elbow: for the man is known, who being newly come from Lambeth, and having received only Thanks and Benedictions instead of money, swore— Dam! Let the B— s, henceforwards write for themselves. After this, dispairiug of higher place, he aims at the supervisal of the Press (for which his scribbling humour had somewhat adapted him) then gives the Government perpetual (false) Alarms on that side; but having once gained the Point, soon learned the faculty to wink as oft as his Spectacles were Enchanted with the dust of Peru. How that Affair was managed, Let the Booksellers Guinies near Mercers-Chappel, The Books seized, afterwards privately sold from Cambray-house, to be Published, etc. be Instances; but especially the known Story of the Printers Wife (before mentioned) in Bartholomew-Close, to whom he prostituted the Interest of Church and State, offering to connive at her Husband's Printing Treason, Sedition, Heresy, Schism, any thing, if she would but gratify his brutish Lust.  Ralph. 
But still he was tied to the Church of England.  Nobs. 
Of his Zeal therein, there are these undeniable Testimonies.  
1. His having been forty times at Mass by his own Confession in Print.  
2. His not Receiving the Sacrament, or so much as coming to his Parish-Church 12 long years and upwards.  
3. His approving Books destructive to all Christianity, As one Entitled, Anima mundi, burnt afterwards (with his hand to it) by order (if I mistake not) of the Reverend Bishop of London: Another called— A Treatise of Humane Reason, that deserved the same Fate, as making every man's private Fancy Judge of Religion, the grand Scandal which Papists have these 100 years falsely cast on Protestantism.  
4 By Connivance at Popish Pamphlets all the time of his Dictatorship; Not one having been during those many years honestly Prosecuted by him, though 'tis computed above 100 thousand of them were in that space dispersed, to poison His Majesty's Protestant Subjects; Nay on the contrary, as often as that Active Loyal Gentleman, Mr. M. of the Company of Stationers, or any other of the Masters or Wardens, or Mr. Stephens, Messenger of the Press, had discovered any of the Papists Pamphlet-Magazines, this Observator either by secret Intelligence prevented the Seizure, or afterwards shuffled off both Book, and Prosecution, pretending the same appertained to his immediate care, and so no more was heard on't.  Ralph. 
But all the Loyal-world commends his Observators as witty and highly serviccable to the Government.  Nobbs. 
As to the Wit, (no great praise in a Blade of threescore and twelve) 'tis the Observation of Judicious Raleigh, Nihil est Sapientiae Odiosus Acumine Nimio, Nothing is more an Enemy to Wisdom than Drollery and Over-sharpness of Conceit;  Youths, Unthinking shallow People, are easily taken, (as Larks are by Low-Bells) with a Jingle of words; and perhaps some She-Politicians may admire him; But the Graver and more Considerate Loyalists judge no Papers have really been more Prejudicial to his Majesty's Interest; His design therein is Evident, The Act that formerly gave him Bread, being Expired, something must be done for a Livelihood; His Acquaintance, his Interest, lay on the Red-lettered Side: who quickly Engage him to Ridicule that Plot which his Majesty and four several Parliaments, (after strictest Inquisition) had declared Horrid and Damnable; Hence started up the Brass Screws, the Salamanca Certificate, and twenty other Crotchets, which neither Secretary Castlemain, nor Sing, nor any of their St. Omers Pupils had the luck to think of, and yet altogether as empty, Incoherent, and Nonsensical as their Oaths and Allegations; But his feeders still not thinking this enough, have of late put him up●n another Jobb; To expose not only Fanaticks ●nd whigs, but all Sober Churchmen and Moderate Loyal Protestant Subjects under the foolish, but odious Name of Trimmers.  Ralph. 
— But still he avows he writes for the Government.  Nobbs. 
Nothing more false; he writes only for his Belly; 'Tis the Crust not the Cause he leaps at; As long as he Scribbles with such Provocations, 'tis impossible to stop the other Pamphleteers; Nay he has done The Faction the greatest Service of any man living; being the General Publisher of their Clandestine Pamphlets, and sets People agog to inquire after, and buy them; That Lewd Impudent and Traitorous Libel, The Second part of the Growth of Popery and Arbitrary Government, scarce saw the Light, before he proclaimed and repealed it; And if Hunts saucy Book have Sold 10000, He is beholden at least for putting off 8000 of them, to the Observator. Some affirm, that for this (Secret) Service he has a Pension from the whigs, equal to his Presents from the Tories; but 'tis certain when any body Prints an obnoxious Pamphlet, they first send it to him by the Penny-Post, to save 10 s. Charge of putting it in the Gazet.  Ralph. 
— I could not before guests at the Reason why he has of late expressed so much Malice against the honest Messenger of the Press, that according to his Duty faithfully and Impartially discharged his Office towards suppressing all Pamphlets, both Fanatical and Popish; But if this Gentleman gets Friends by the one, and money by the other; t●… wonder, if he have a spite at every body t●● would Dam up both his Mills at once— But it grows late, and I am to meet a Friend at Sam's, so Farewell till I see you next.   

LONDON: Printed for W. Hammond. 1683.