THE Last Will and Testament OF THE Earl of Pembroke.  
I PHILIP, late Earl of Pembroke and Montgomery, now Knight for the County of Berks, being (as I am told) very weak in Body, but of perfect Memory; for I remember this time Five years I gave the casting Voice to dispatch Old Canterbury; and this time Two years I Voted no Address to be made to my Master; and this time Twelve month saw him brought to the Block: Yet because Death doth threaten and stare upon me, (who still have obeyed all those that threatened me) I now make my last Will and Testament.  
Imprimis, For my Soul, I confess I have heard very much of Souls, but what they are, or whom they are for, God knows, I know not; they tell me now of another World, where I never was, nor do I know one foot of the way thither. While the King stood I was of his Religion, made my Son wear a Cassock, and thought to make him a Bishop; then came the Scots and made me a Presbyterian; and since Cromwell entered I have been an Independent. These (I believe) are the Kingdom's Three Estates, and if any of these can save a Soul, I may claim one; therefore if my Executors do find I have a Soul, I give it him that gave it me.  
Item, I give my Body, for I cannot keep it; you see the Chirurgeon is tearing off my Flesh; therefore bury me, (I have Church Lands enough) but do not lay me in the Church Porch, for I was a Lord, and would not be buried where Colonel Pride was born.  
Item, My Will is, that I have no Monument, for than I must have Epitaphs and Verses, but all my Life-long I have had too much of them.  
Item, I give my Dogs (the best Curs that ever Man laid Leg o'er) to be divided among the Council of State. Many a fair day have I followed my Dogs, and followed the State both night and day; went whither they sent me, sit where they bid me, sometimes with Lords, sometimes with Commons, and now can neither go nor sit: Yet whatever becomes of me, let my poor Dogs not want their Allowance, nor come within the Ordinance of one Meal a Week.  
Item, I give two of my best Saddle Horses to the Earl of Denbigh, for I fear e'er long his own Legs will fail him; but the tallest and strongest in all my Stables I give to the Academy, for a Vaulting Horse for all Lovers of Virtue. All my other Horses I give to the Lord Fairfax, that when Cromwell and the States take away his Commission, his Lordship may have some Horse to command.  
Item, I give my Hawks to the Earl of Carnarvan; his Father was Master of the Hawks to the King, and he has Wit so like his Father, that I begged his Wardship, lest he in time should do so by me.  
Item, I give all my Deer to the Earl of Salisbury, who I know will preserve them, because he denied the King a Buck out of one of his own Parks.  
Item, I give my Chaplains to the Earl of Stamford, in regard he never used to have any but his Son the Lord Grey, who being thus both Spiritual and Carnal, may beget more Monsters.  
Item, I give Nothing to the Lord Say, which Legacy I give him because I know he will bestow it on the Poor.  
Item, To the Countesses (my Sister and my Wife) I now give leave to enjoy their Estates; but my own Estate I give to my Eldest Son, charging him on my Blessing to follow the Advice of Michael Oldsworth; for though I have had 30000 l. per annum, yet I die not in Debt above 80000 l.  
Item, Because I threatened Sir Henry Mildmay, but did not beat him, I give Fifty Pounds to the Footman that Cudgeled him.  
Item, My Will is, that the said Sir Harry shall not meddle with my Jewels; I knew him when he served the Duke of Buckingham, and since how he handled the Crown Jewels; for both which Reasons I do now name him, The Knave of Diamonds.  
Item, To Tom May (whose Pate I broke heretofore at a Masque) I give Five Shillings. I intended him more, but all that have seen his History of the Parliament think Five Shillings too much.  
Item, To the Author of the Libel against Ladies, (called News from the New Exchange) I give 3 d. for inventing a more obscene way of Scribbling than the World yet knew; but since he throws what's rotten and false on divers Names of Unblemished Honour, I leave his Payment to the Footman that paid Sir Harry Mildmay's Arrears, to teach him the difference 'twixt Wit and Dirt, and to know Ladies that are Noble and  from downright Roundheads.  
Item, I give back to the Assembly of Divines their Classical, Provincial, Congregational, National, which words I have kept at my own charge above Seven Years, but plainly find they'll never come to good.  
Item, As I restore other men's Words, so I give Lieutenant General Cromwell one Word of mine, because hitherto he never kept his own.  
Item, To all rich Citizens of London, to all Presbyterians as well as Cavaliers, I give advice to look to their Throats, for by order of the States the Garrison at Whitehall have all got Poniards, and for New Lights bought Dark Lanterns.  
Item, I give all my Printed Speeches to these Persons following, viz. That Speech which I made in my own defence when the Seven Lords were accused of High Treason, I give to Sergeant Wild, that hereafter he may know what is Treason, and what is not. And the Speech I made ex tempore to the Oxford Scholars, I give to the Earl of Manchester, Speaker pro tempore to the House of Peers, before its Reformation, and Chancellor pro tempore of Cambridge University, since its Reformation. But my Speech at my Election, (which is my Speech without an Oath) I give to those that take the Engagement, because no Oath hath been able to hold them. All my other Speeches (of what colour soever) I give to the Academy, to help Sir Balthazar's Art of Well Speaking.  
Item, I give up the Ghost.  
Concordat cum Originali. NATHANIEL BRENT.   

CODICILL.  
BEfore His Lordship gave his last Legacy, he mentioned other Particulars; but his Sense and Words grew so Independent, that they could not make forth into perfect Legacies: Tet we thought fit to write what he spoke, which was In haec verba.  
Item, I give— 's Death I am very Sick, and my Memory fails me; Sink me if I can remember what I have else to give. I have troubled my Mind with things of this World; but who the Devil thought Death had been so near? Ha! what's that? now 'tis at my Bed's Feet all Bloody. Murder! Murder! call up my Men: Oldsworth, where a plague are ye all? I am well holp up to have such Comforters. What, was it but a Cat? a Pox mew ye, do you take a Lord for a Mouse?— So ho, so ho; there, there; O brave Jowler; plague on that Cur, couple him to Roister.— Come to Bed, Sweet Heart; come, Duck, come— Pox rot ye all, where's my Coach? My Lord Mayor hath stayed at Guild Hall this two hours— That Cock's worth a King's Ransom; he runs, he runs; a Thousand Pound to a Bottle of Hay— Rub, rub, rub; a pox rub; a hundred thousand rubs: 's Death my Bowl's bewitched, it has no more Bias than a Pudding— I'll to the House, and remove the Obstructions for Sale of the King's Goods— Damn me, there 'tis again; Ha', a Man without a Head! speak, what art thou? 's Death, castned speak without a Head?— Ha! and there with Lawn Sleeves, comes just upon me, beckons me— Ha! another yet! all in Purple! my own Master! I beseech Your Majesty let me kiss your Hand— No, Blood! Blood! Oh, I am undone; help! help! Why, Oldsworth! Oh! where are ye all? is this a time to stop your Noses? Call up my Chaplains: where's Caldicut? Pray, good Caldicut, pray, pray; Plague consume you why do you not pray—  
Concordat cum Originali. NATHANIEL BRENT.  
FINIS.