The Last Words and Sayings OF THE TRUE-PROTESTANT ELM-BOARD, Which Lately suffered Martyrdom in Smithfield, and now in Southwark: TOGETHER WITH A TRUE RELATION OF A Conference between Dr. B—, and the said Board.  
Christian Reader,  
THis Board was Born in the Parish of Barn-Elms, of a very ancient Stock, and growing up in Years, was preferred to the Service of Sh. B— l in the nature of a Dresser-Board, in whose Kitchen he past his days in ease and quietness, free from the burden and Oppression of many Dishes, and such like Popish and Antichristian Ceremonies; but this happiness was too great to continue, for the Cheapness of Victuals soon invited his Master into the York-shire Climate, so that he was forthwith exposed to the Malice of a Popishly-Affected Cook-Maid, who boiling some Holy-Water for a Crop-sick catholic, most inhumanly placed the red-hot Skillet upon him, which Barbarous Action could not but extort from him most hideous Groans and Howlings, all which notwithstanding, he firmly adhered to his first principles, and choose rather to be martyred in Smithfield, than to dwell in a Popish Gluttonous Kitchen, tho' exposed to the Rage and Fury of Merry-Andrews, Jack-Puddings, red-hot Irons, and Toreys.  
The Reverend Scot, Dr. B—, so Remarkable for disturbing the Sick, no sooner heard of the Torments and bitter Agonies of his Beloved Board in the Lord, but he made hast to give him some crumbs of Christian Consolation, before he departed this Life, by which he might be the better Enabled to undergo with Patience so Fiery a trial, the Salamanca Doctor was designed to be sent for, because he had sworn through many Boards, and therefore was the fitter to Pray by one, but Dr. B— 's voluntary Visit prevented it, who upon his first Entrance saluted the Board with an Holy Kiss, and said, Be of good Comfort my Brother, suffer Patiently, your Reward is great, thou shalt be the Royal Oak in Paradise, and when thou shalt have put off this Touch-wood Tabernacle, thou shalt be as one of the Cedars of Lebanon, where there will be no Merry-Andrews, no Jack-Puddings, no Cook-Maids, no red-hot Irons.  
The Board return'd the Dr. many Thanks for his Ghostly Advice, and desired him to sit down upon him. The Dr. being a professed Enemy to all manner of Ceremony, complied, and sat him down, and reflecting with himself, That those who draw near their latter End, have commonly a foresight of future Events, proposed several Questions to him, concerning the deplorable condition of this Nation: First,  Dr. 
Shall the D. of M. be King?  Board. 
Ummmmm- No.  Dr. 
Shall Scotch Kirk-Government ever prevail in England, to which he groaned No, as God shall judge me: quoth the Dr. I am exceedingly sorry for it.  Dr. 
Shall we ever have a Parliament? for I long to be thanked for my Regalia.  Board. 
Ah, Dr. had the last Westminster Parliament continued, you had not only had their Thanks, but had been chairman of an Assembly, by this time.  Dr. 
What think you of Mr. Papillion and Mr. Dubois, ( my very good Friends) being Sheriffs?  Board. 
Beware, if they are not you will all come to an Untimely End.  Dr. 
Shall the Polish Tapski, die in his Bed?  Board. 
Let him stick close to Papillion and Dubois.  Dr. 
Shall I ever be Rector of the Kirk called Mary Hill?  Board. 
Ummmmm- No, No.  Dr. 
You are a Papist in your heart, and so farewell, for I will not Absolve you.  Board. 
Pray then Dr. do not shame the World with a Narrative of my Life.   

LONDON: Printed for F. Shepherd. 1682.