THE Wounded-Heart; OR, The Jury— Man's OFFENCES DECLARED, And Ingeniously Acknowledged, For the Satisfaction of those who were thereby troubled.  
By THOMAS LEADER.  Prov. 28.13. 
He that covereth his sins, shall not prosper; but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them, shall have mercy.  
London, Printed in the Year, 1665.   

The Wounded-Heart, etc.  
WHereas I understand that many have been troubled at what hath of late passed at the Old Bailie, concerning some persons called Quakers, in which Action I was an Instrument; I do therefore, for the honour of God, and for the satisfaction of those which are troubled, and unto my own shame, writ these things following, which I do from my whole heart desire that you would look upon as no feigned thing, but that which doth flow from the abundance of a bleeding-soul.  
You have heard that I was one of the Jury upon January last past, when there were some persons, called Quakers, to be tried for the breach of an Act of Parliament, entitled, An Act to prevent and suppress Seditious Conventicles, and upon their Trials, brought in guilty. Now as to the breach of which Act, you may judge that they were not guilty according to the literal meaning of it; and your trouble, as I understand, doth arise from this, That I should have a hand in such a thing, which may be to the ruining of many poor souls, that are (as I judge) altogether innocent; Now for your satisfaction in this case, I judge it no less than my duty to declare to you, and the whole world, the whole state of the Case, which is as followeth: I being summoned to appear at Justice-Hall in the Old Bailie upon the Jury on the 13th of January, I did not use that means to get off as otherwise I might, and the reason of it was this; that much about this time twelvemonth I was summoned in the like nature, but not impanelled, and so I thought I should not now at this time; but herein my expectations failed me, and being mistaken upon that account, I was impanelled, and did attend upon the business of the time for two days; but before I was on the Jury, I did inquire whether there were any such persons to be tried as were called Quakers? and I was then informed that there were none, and then I was the more indifferent in the business: but upon the last day of the week I did hear there were some such persons, as is , to be tried; at the hearing of which I was much troubled, and did not know what to do; and having many reasonings in myself, I came to this conclusion, That it was not safe for me to use means to get off; and that, first, because I was called thereunto; also supposing I might be an Instrument of good; withal thinking that they were not breakers of that Act, and therefore nothing could be made of it. But for me to relate all those things that passed there, is not the business that is necessary in this work, but only this; that when they were called to the Bar, and the Indictment being read, which was for being at an unlawful Meeting or Conventicle, contrary to the liturgy of the Church of England; and being asked, Whether they were guilty, or not guilty? the answer that many of them made was this; Not guilty of breaking of any righteous Law of God; others, that they were innocent, and the like answers were given by them. The Witnesses being called, they were asked, Whether such and such (naming of their names) were at the Bull and Mouth? the Witnesses finding of their names in a Paper which they had in their hands, replied, Yes, my Lord, they were there. Such Evidence as this I thought would be strange and very slender, to bring persons in guilty of the breach of that late Act of Parliament; for the most that any of them did say, as to what they did there, one of the Witnesses said, That they were there a prating. When the Witnesses had done, and the Prisoners had leave to speak for themselves, the Judge asked them, Whether they were at the Bull and Mouth? some of them answered, They were there: and being asked what they did there? some answered, They were there to worship God. Then said the Judge, It's enough: And others said, that they were there, and met in the Fear of God; he also replied, That's enough. But God forbidden that any Rulers or Governors in the whole world should look upon it as a crime to worship God, and to meet in the fear of God. When they had answered the Judge in this manner, he told us the business was so clear that we need not go from the place, but that we might give in our Verdict presently; and moreover, that whereas every one of them was convicted twice before, before two Justices of the Peace, we had no more to do, but to find whether they were there or no. But some not being willing to make so light of a thing of such great concernment, we did (I mean the Jury) all withdraw. When we were altogether, the Foreman of the Jury did begin to declare his opinion in these words, That the business was so clear we need not spend time about it, but go and carry them in guilty. This was the opinion of many. At the hearing of which I told them, that it was not my judgement so to do; and although the Eleven were against me, I was and must be against such a Verdict, and my Reasons for my so saying, were these that follow.  
1. First, Because there was no witness to prove what they did there: It's true, one of the Witnesses said, that they were there a pating. That Law, as I do understand, doth not condemn men for being at the Bull and Mouth, neither doth it condemn men for prating there; and although they were there, and as they said, met there in the Fear of the Lord God, yet I did not judge that it taketh hold on such that shall so do; because I judged that it was the duty of all men, and in all places, to meet in the Fear of God.  
2. A second Reason I did then urge was this, That the Act and Indictment saith, contrary to the liturgy of the Church of England; I told them, that for my part I was very ignorant of the Lyturgy of the Church of England, and being ignorant of it, could not make them guilty of the breach of a thing I knew not, for in such a case no man is fit for a Juryman but what is well-learned in the Lyturgy.  
3. Thirdly, Because as I told them, that the Indictment ran, for being at a Conventicle; which I told them, That by a Conventicle, as I did understand, (for what man can judge more than he knoweth) was a meeting together of some persons for to act against the King and Government, but we could not find that any thing was acted there tending unto any such thing.  
4. Fourthly, Because (as I did understand) that that Act of Parliament (as the Judge did inform us) was to prevent Insurrections, by meeting together under a Pretence of Religious Exercise; but as unto these People they could not be made guilty of the breach of that Act, because there was not any Witness to prove that they were there upon pretence, but, as they confess, really to worship God; or upon the account of any Insurrection; and, as far as ever I could hear, were not the people that ever had hand in any such thing.  
5. Fifthly, I minded this unto them, That the hand of God hath been seen in an extraordinary manner, by them that had of late been transported, Therefore did advise that they would not be rash, but consider what it was that they were a going about to do.  
These Reasons I did use, as that which did satisfy me, and I thought might have satisfied the rest of the Jury, that the Prisoners were not guilty of the crimes charged in the Indictment: But all would not signify any thing.  
Now in the consideration of these things, the Officer came and said, My Lord hath sent to know whether you are all agreed: word was sent, No. Many of the Jury said, That they had confessed so much, therefore they could do no less than carry them in guilty. I told them often, that I could never agree unto it. The Officer comes again, yet we were not agreed; and goes, and comes again, and said, My Lord hath sent me for to lock you up. At this many of the Jury were troubled, and how to help we could not tell: but at last we did begin to consider, how far we could agree together, and about four of us came to this conclusion, that we could carry them in thus, That they were at the Bull and Mouth, and upon a Religious account, and no further; and no more had we, either from the Witnesses or themselves: But here all parties were not agreed; and about this time the Officer comes again, and said, My Lord hath sent me to know the Names of those that are not agreed. I than told him my Name, and told him that I could not agree to the bringing of them in guilty of the Indictment. And in this condition we were in for about two hours, about which time those that were for not bringing of them in guilty of the Indictment, did begin to be of another mind, and not only so, but did also use Arguments for to persuade me; so that with what the Judge told us, That we had nothing to do but to find whether they were there or no; and also with the Officers often coming unto us, and about eight or nine of us that were never upon such a Jury before, and as to my own part I underderstood but little in such things, and so being in a great strait, and reasoning with myself and others, I was over-persuaded, and deeply surprised, so far, as to hold my peace at the Bar, notwithstanding when that we were a coming out of the room where we were together, I told them that I was not agreed any further than is , and to this some of them are my witnesses; and the Lord of Heaven that knows all hearts, is also Witness to the truth of this.  
Now this I have to say, and do before the Lord, his People, and the whole World, declare, That herein I was surprised, and became an Instrument of great dishonour unto the Name of God, and a trouble unto his People; and the more I consider of it, the more I do see the wickedness of it, and the lowness and baseness of my own spirit, that I should be silent at such a time, and in such a case of so great concernment, that was directly against my own understanding, which giveth me great cause of grief and sorrow of heart, and doth even cause my soul to bleed; and the Lord knows it doth disturb me of my peace by day, and of my rest by night, That God should give me a Tongue, and yet I should not have a Heart to make use of it, in such a case, and at such a time! And it hath been often in my thoughts, that if God should deal with me as I have dealt in this case, he might deprive me of that member; for whereas I have been a dishonour unto God, a grief unto the Righteous, a trouble unto my own Soul, and a means of sorrow and affliction unto many innocent Souls, for want of bearing a Public Testimony when the Lord had put it into my hands; the consideration of which makes my soul to cry out, O Lord God, what may be done in this case! Sos being under this trouble and sorrow of heart, for which I may (a I have just cause) to mourn all the days of my life, it came into my heart to write these things following, to the end that it might be a Warning unto all men in the like case, that when they are called unto such a work as this was, that they may have a care how they are either persuaded against their own understandings, (which as I conceive no mortal man will require) and also to know when to speak, how to speak, and when to be silent.  
Again, That all men may know I never consented unto any other Verdict to be brought in against those people called Quakers, no otherwise than by my silence at the Bar, which for the want of a good understanding in the work I was then upon, with the Arguments used by others, and by often sending to, and threatening withal, I was surprised and led into a snare; but yet I thank God that it was not done with premeditation, as Judas betrayed his Master: yet I dare not excuse myself, but say, I have sinned: and as Eve was surprised by the subtlety of the Serpent, yet it was sinful in her, and the sin lay heavy upon her. Peter was brought into a snare, to deny his Master, yet was not to be excused from sin in that case. David was tempted to number the People of Israel, yet he was not excused from sin, notwithstanding he was provoked and tempted unto it: and indeed this instance of David hath lafoy in heavy upon me, that as David did number the People of Israel, 2 Sam. 24.1, 10. it's said, that David's heart smote him; and his heart smiting him, was a plain discovery that he had not done well. Our hearts do not smite us when we do those things that are good and right in the sight of God. And at that very time in which these things were done, I was not without a smitten heart, and great jealousies I had that I had not done well, and yet deprived of that reason and courage as I ought to have had, to say those things which was really my Judgement before. I shall not make it my business to say any thing of the faults of others, having too much to say of my own; and because I would not be tedious nor burdensome, I shall for the instruction of the Christian Reader, comprise what I have to say into these following particulars.  
First, as unto the frame of my own heart, before I was on the Jury, and that was thus; I was too too confident in myself, and of my own strength and thoughts, judging the Prisoners were not guilty of the breach of that Act; and from that consideration concluding that I should not be an Instrument to bring them in guilty of it; and here let me tell thee, too much of my own strength did appear, and herein I was too much like unto Peter, when he said, that though all men forsook Christ, yet he would not; but when he came unto the trial, he became another man. From hence learn, That a man's own strength is his exceeding weakness, and a man's own confidence is great foolishness. Be therefore put in mind always to stay upon God; and observe this as a certain Rule, That a man being given over to follow his own understanding, and to leave the Counsel that proceedeth from above, is ready to work his own ruin, and is like unto a Lamb fed in a large place, subject to every devouring Wolf, to be led into every temptation and snare of Satan; but the man that doth make the Lord his strength, who giveth himself up to be led and guided by him, is a safe man: for if floods of temptations arise against him, yet he hath a Rock under him. And from hence David's confidence did proceed, Psal. 46. That as his confidence was in God, and not in his own strength, he would not fear though the Earth was removed. Now the end for which I writ these things is, that no man might be as I have been, too too confident in my own strength: but in all things of concernment, little or much, every man may have his expectations from Heaven, that he may walk surely therein. Now, from the consideration of such an estate and condition in which I was in (as by woeful experience I speak it to my shame) in being so confident in my own strength, doth put me upon an enquiry into the cause and reason of these things, that I should fall into such a snare, which doth indeed make me jealous of my own heart, that it hath not been so right to God as it ought, and I desire to deal plainly in this thing; time was, that it was the rejoicing of my heart to follow the Lord whithersoever he went, but of late it hath not been so; time was that I had greater discoveries of God's Love unto my soul, but of late I have seen to arise Mists and Clouds, and have been as one that hath lost his first Love; and indeed the sinfulness of this wickedness is so great, that it may give great jealousies to think I am one that i● spewed out of the mouth of God: but as to myself I am not altogether left without hope, because I did it ignorantly. And Christ is held forth in the Gospel not only to be a Saviour from small offences and sins, but great sins also; not only to give Grace to restrain from them, but if any are overtaken by them, he is an Advocate to plead their cause, and to save from the guilt and punishment of sin, if they truly repent. These things I writ, not to encourage any in sin, but to avoid all the appearances of sin; and not to give way unto a spiritual decay, for it will end in misery. Peter's confidence was a forerunner of greater miseries; he denied his Lord, and what followed? Peter went out and wept bitterly. And so I would it might be a Caution to others, from my experience, to take heed what they do in matters of so great concernment.  
Secondly, When I was on the Jury, and the Verdict brought in, I was exceedingly troubled in myself, yet at that time not thereby sensible wherein I had done amiss, and that because the Judge told is, that we had no more to do, but to find whether they were at the Bull and Mouth; and they confessing of it, was the great thing that stopped my mouth; but as to the Indictment itself, never otherwise persuaded but that they were not guilty: but being ignorant of my duty in such a work, I held my peace; yet however, my ignorance will not excuse me; my own peace hath been, and is disturbed by it, and how I may recover myself, and do good unto those that I have offended (by my so acting) I know not: the Lord hath convinced me that I have been an Instrument of Unrighteousness in this thing, my heart hath been as an Anvil for Satan to work on, not only to imprison, but also to banish, as who knoweth what may happen unto them, their wives and children, they may cry for vengeance from Heaven; and herein I may say, as David, It's I that have sinned: and O that God had blessed me with that happiness to have prevented me! but now it is too late to recall the thing past, but I must bear the Indignation of the Lord, because I have sinned against him. Which leadeth me to the next particular thing, To desire others that they would sympathise with me; I do not mean in the sin, but in the sorrow; desiring those that have an interest in God, would improve it upon my account, that the Gild might be taken off from me, and that God would satisfy me with his Love, whatsoever he should do to me upon any other account. When Job was in trouble he called unto his Friends to assist him, Job 19.21. Have pity upon me, have pity upon me, O ye my Friends, for the Hand of the Lord hath touched me. But on the other hand, it was matter of grief unto him, and the adding of sorrow unto sorrow, when that they had forsaken him; Job 19.14, 19 All my inward friends abhorred me, and they whom I loved are turned against me. Therefore I desire that you would assist in the bearing of the burden with me, and that, if it be the will of God, the Judgement which I may look for, may be prevented, but in a special manner the Sin forgiven.  
Now that which I have mor to say is, That all men might have a care, that whensoever they may be called unto any work of Concernment, especially when the Honour of God lieth at the stake, that you would look well to your hearts; and although you may think you stand, yet to taken heed lest you fall, as I have done, into snares and temptations, and so come to lose your peace, which is as a precious Jewel of great price: therefore keep your hearts with all diligence; for the neglect thereof leadeth into snares: Thorns and snares are in the way of the froward, but he that keepeth his soul shall be far from them. The heart of a man is very deceitful, therefore it is time for a man to look about him, and to have a care of his heart when he thinketh himslf most confident; And God is more honoured by a man that hath a low esteem of himself, than of the other. If he be going about any thing of Concernment, he is very fearful of dishonouring of God; he is often with God to ask counnsel, often with Friends to take advice, and all is, because he knoweth but a little; He is afraid of dishonouring God, and therefore he is very jealous over his own heart. It pleased the Lord when he heard Solomon say, that he was but a Child, and therefore he gave him the things he requested.  
This I speak to that end that you may be advised to lean upon the Lord for advice and counsel, which is the way to keep your eyes from tears, and your feet from falling: but because I took not this counsel myself, I shall rather desire to conclude; only say this, That I look upon what I have here written to be my duty; first, to condemn myself for my silence, and that I should be surprised in such a manner as I was; secondly, that as I have herein committed a public Offence, so I judge it my duty to make a public Acknowledgement of the same; and although (as it is possible) these lines may come into the hands of men of several Opinions and Persuasions, yet that they would judge charitably of me, that I do it not to please any man's humour, neither thereby intent to offend any; but as I have offended through my weakness, and my soul burdened by reason thereof, I hope they will all bear with me, considering what the Scripture saith, Prov. 18.14. The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity, but a wounded spirit who can bear?  
THE END.