THE Excellent Comedy, called THE OLD LAW: OR A new way to please you. By Phil. Massinger. Tho. Middleton. William Rowley.  
Acted before the King and Queen at Salisbury House, and at several other places, with great Applause. Together with an exact and perfect Catalogue of all the Plays, with the author's Names, and what are Comedies, Tragedies, Histories, Pastorals, Masks, Interludes, more exactly Printed then ever before.  
LONDON, Printed for Edward Archer, at the sign of the Adam and Eve, in Little Britain. 1656.   

Persons of the Play.  

DUke of Epire.  
Creon, Father to Simonides and Cleanthes.  
2. Courtiers 

Simonides  
Cleanthes.    
Lisander Husband to Eugenia and Uncle to Cleanthes.  
Leonides an old man.  
Antigona, Mother to Simonides and Cleanthes.  
Hippolita, Wife to Cleanthes.  
Eugenia, Wife to Lisander and Mother to Parthenia.  
Parthenia, Daughter to Eugenia.  
Courtiers.  
Lawyers.  
clown.  
Executioner.  
Butler.  
Bailiff.  
Taylor.  
Cook.  
Drawer.  
Clerk.  
Coachmen.  
Footmen.  
Guard.  
Clowns Wife.  
Wench.   The Scene EPIRE.  

THE OLD LAW.  
Act. I. Scen. I.  Enter Simonides, and two Lawyers. Sim. 
IS the Law firm Sir?  1. Law. 
The Law, what more firm Sir,  
More powerful, forcible, or more permanent?  Sim. 
By my troth Sir,  
I partly do believe it; conceive Sir  
You have indirectly answered my question.  
I did not doubt the fundamental grounds  
Of Law in general, for the most solid,  
But this particular Law that me concerns  
Now at the present, if that be firm and strong,  
And powerful, and forcible, and permanent.  
I am a young man that has an old father.  2 Law. 
Nothing more strong Sir,  
It is Secundum statutum Principis  
Confirmatum cum voce senatum,  
Et voce republicae, nay consummatum  
Et exemplificatum, is it not in force  
When divers have already tasted it  
And paid their lives for penalty?  Sim. 
'tis true.  
My father must be next, this day completes  
Full fourscore years upon him.  2. Law. 
he's here then  
Sub poena statuti, hence I can tell him.  
Truer then all the Physicians in the world,  
He cannot live out tomorrow; this is  
The most certain Climacterical year,  
'tis past all danger, for there's no scaping it:  
What age is your mother Sir?  Sim. 
Faith near her days to,  
Wants some two of threescore.  1. Lawyer 
So, she'll drop away  
One of these days to; he's a good age now  
For those that have old parents, and rich inheritance.  Sim. 
And Sir 'tis profitable for others too:  
Are there not fellows that lie bedrid in their offices  
That younger men would walk lustily in:  
Churchmen, that even the second infancy  
Hath silenced, yet hath spun out their lives so long  
That many pregnant and ingenious spirits  
Have languished in their hoped reversions,  
And died upon the thought, and by your leave Sir,  
Have you not places filled up in the Law  
By some grave Senators, that you imagine  
Have held them long enough, and such spirits as you.  
Were they removed, would leap into their dignities?  1. Law. 
Dic quibus in terris & reis mihi magnus Apollo.  Sim. 
But tell me faith you fair opinion:  
Is't not a sound and necessary Law  
This (by the Duke) enacted?  1. Law. 
Never did Greece  
(Our ancient seat of brave Philosophers)  
'mongst all her Nomotheta and Lawgivers,  
Not when she flourished in her seven fold sages,  
(Whose living memory can never die)  
Produce a Law more grave and necessary.  Sim. 
I'm of that mind to.  2. Lawyer 
I will maintain Sir,  
Draco's Oligarchy that the government  
Of Community reduced into few  
Framed a fair state; Solon's Crecopedi  
That cut off poor men's debts to their rich creditors  
Was good and charitable (but not full allowed.)  
His Sisaithie did reform that error,  
His honourable Senate of Areopagitae,  
Lycurgus was more loose, and gave too free  
And licentious reins unto his discipline,  
As that a young woman in her husband's weakness  
Might choose her able friend to propagate;  
That so the Commonwealth might be supplied,  
With hope of lusty spirits, Plato did err,  
And so did Aristotle, allowing  
Lewd and luxurious limits to their Laws;  
But now our Epire, our Epire's Evander,  
Our noble and wise Prince has hit the Law  
That all our predecessive students  
Have missed unto their shame. Enter Cleanthes,  Sim. 
Forbear the praise Sir.  
'tis in itself most pleasing, Cleanthes  
Oh lad here's a spring for young plants to flourish,  
The old trees must down kept the sun from us,  
We shall rise now boy.  Clean. 
Whether Sir I pray?  
To the bleak air of storms, among those trees,  
Which we had shelter from.  Sim. 
Yes from our growth,  
Our sap and livelihood and from our fruit,  
What 'tis not Jubilee with thee yet, I think,  
Thou look'st so sad o't, how old's thy father?  Clean. 
Jubilee, no indeed, 'tis a bad year with me.  Sim. 
Prithee how old's thy father, than I can tell thee?  Clean. 
I know not how to answer you Simonides,  
he's is too old being now exposed  
Unto the rigor of a cruel Edict,  
And yet not old enough by many years,  
'cause I'd not see him go an hour before me.  Sim. 
These very passions I speak to my father,  
Come, come, here's none but friends here, we may speak  
Our insides freely, these are Lawyers man,  
And shallbe Counsellors shortly.  Cle. 
They shallbe now Sir,  
And shall have large fees if they'll undertake  
To help a good cause (for it wants assistance)  
bade ones (I know) they can insist upon.  1. Law. 
Oh Sir. we must undertake of both parts,  
But the good we have most good in.  Cle. 
Pray you say,  
How do you allow of this strange Edict?  1. Law. 
Secundum justitiam, by my faith Sir,  
The happiest Edict that ever was in Epire.  Cle. 
What, to kill innocents Sir, it cannot be,  
It is no rule in justice there to punish.  1. Law. 
Oh Sir,  
You understand a conscience, but not law.  Cle. 
Why sir, is there so main a difference?  1. Law. 
You'll never be good Laywer if you understand not that.  Cle. 
I think then 'tis the best to be a bad one.  1. Law. 
Why sir, the very letter and the sense both  
Do both o'erthrow you in this statute,  
Which that speaks, that every man living to  
Fourscore years, and women to threescore, shall then  
Be cut off as fruitless to the Republic,  
And Law shall finish what nature lingered at.  Cle. 
And this suit shall soon be dispatched in Law.  1. Law. 
It is so plain it can have no Demur,  
The church-book overthrows it.  Cle. 
And so it does  
The Church Book overthrows it if you read it well.  1. Law. 
Still you run from the Law into error:  
You say it takes the lives of Innocents,  
I say no, and so says common reason:  
What man lives to fourscore and women to three  
That can die innocent?  Cle. 
A fine lawful evasion:  
Good sir rehearse the full statute to me,  Sim. 
Fie that's too tedious, you have already  
The full sum in the brief relation.  Cle. 
Sir, 'mongst many words may be found contradictions,  
And these men dare sue and wrangle with a Statute,  
If they can pick a quarrel with some error:  2. Law. 
Listen sir, I'll gather it as brief as I can for you, Anno Primo Evandri, be it (for the care and good of the Common wealth for divers necessary reasons that we shall urge) thus peremptorily enacted  Cle. 
A fair pretence if the reasons foul it not.  2. Law. 
That all men living in our Dominions of Epire in their decayed nature, to the age of four score, or women to the age of three score, shall on the same day be instantly put to death, by those means and instruments that a former Proclamation had (to this purpose) through our said territories dispersed.  Cle. 
There was no women in this Senate certain.  1. Law. 
That these men being passed their bearing Arms, to aid and defend their Country, past their manhood and livelihood, to propagate any further issue to their posterity, and as well past their counsels (which overgrown gravity is now run into dotage) to assist their Country, to whom in common reason, nothing should be so wearisome as their own lives, as it may be supposed is tedious to their successive heirs, whose times are spent in the good of their Country, yet wanting the means to maintain it; and are like to grow old before their inheritance (borne to them) come to their necessary use, for the which are the women, for that they never were defence to their Country, never by Counsel admitted to the assist of government of their Country, only necessary to the propagation of posterity, and now at the age of threescore to be passed that good, and all their goodness: it is thought fit then a quarter abated from the more worthy member to be put to death as is before recited: provided that for the just and impartial execution of this our Statute the example shall first begin in and about our Court, which ourself will see carefully performed, and not for a full Month following extend any further into our Dominions: Dated the sixth of the second month at our Palace Royal in Epire.  Cle. 
A fine edict, and very fairly guilded  
And is there no scruple in all these words,  
To demur the Law upon occasion?  Sim. 
Pox 'tis an unnecessary inquisition,  
Prithee set him not about it.  2. Law. 
Troth none sir,  
It is so evident and plain a case  
There is no succour for the Defendant.  Cle. 
Possible, can nothing help in a good case?  1. Law. 
Faith sir I do think there may be a hole  
Which would protract delay if not remedy.  Cle. 
Why there's some comfort in that good sir? speak it,  1. Law. 
Nay you must pardon me for that sir.  Sim. 
Prithee do not,  
It may ope a wound to many Sons and Heirs  
That may die after it.  Cle. 
Come sir, I know how to make you speak, will this do t?  1. Law. 
I will afford you my opinion sir.  Cle. 
Pray you repeat the literal words expressly  
The time of Death.  Sim. 
'tis an unnecessary question, prithee let it alone.  2. Law. 
Hear his opinion, 'twill be fruitless sir.  
That man at the age of four score, and women at threescore  
Shall the same day be put to death.  1. Law. 
Thus I help the man to twenty one years more,  Cle. 
That were a fair addition.  1. Lawyer 
Mark it, sir we say man is not at age  
Till he be one and twenty before his infancy  
And adolescence, nor by that addition,  
Fourscore he cannot be till a hundred and one.  Sim. 
Oh poor evasion!  
he's fourscore years old sir,  1. Law. 
That helps more sir  
He begins to be old at fifty, so at fourscore,  
he's but thirty years old, so believe it sir,  
He may be twenty years in declination  
And so long may a man linger and live bit  Sim. 
The worst hope of safety that ere I heard,  
Give him his fee again, 'tis not worth two dinars.  1. Lawyer 
There's no Law for restitution of fees sir. Enter Creon & Antigona.  Cle 
No no sir, I meant it lost when 'twas given.  Sim 
No more good sir  
Here are ears unnecessary for your doctrine.  1. Law. 
I have spoked out my fee and I have done sir.  Sim 
Oh my dear father!  Creon. 
Tush meet me not in exclaims  
I understand the worst and hope no better:  
A fine Law, if this hold, white heads will be cheap  
And many watch men's places will be vacant  
Forty of 'em I know my seniors,  
That did due deeds of darkness to their Country,  
Has watched 'em a good turn for't, and ta'en 'em  
Napping now, the fewer Hospitals will serve to,  
Many may be used for stews and brothels  
And those people will never trouble 'em to fourscore.  Anti. 
Can you play and sport with sorrow sir?  Creon. 
Sorrow, for what Antigona? for my life,  
My sorrows I have kept it so long well  
With bringing it up unto so ill an end:  
I might have gently lost it in my Cradle,  
Before my Nerves and Ligaments grew strong  
To bind it faster to me.  Sim. 
For mine own sake  
I should have been sorry for that.  Creon. 
In my youth  
I was a soldier no Coward in my age,  
I never turned my back upon my foe,  
I have felt nature's winter's sicknesses,  
Yet ever kept a lively sap in me  
To greet the cheerful spring of health again:  
Dangers on Horseback, on Foot by Water,  
I have scaped to this day, and yet this day  
Without all help of casual accidents  
Is only deadly to me, 'cause it numbers  
Fourscore years to me, where's the fault now?  
I cannot blame Time, Nature, nor my Stars  
Nor ought but Tyranny, even Kings themselves  
Have some times tasted an even fate with me,  
He that has been a Soldier all his dayes  
And stood in personal opposition, 'gainst Darts and Arrows, the Extremes of heat,  
And pinching cold has treacherously at home  
In his secured quiet by a villain's hand  
Am basely lost in my stars' ignorance  
And so must I die by a tyrant's sword.  1. Law. 
Oh say not so sir, it is by the Law!  Cre. 
And what's that sir but the sword of tyranny  
When it is brandished against innocent lives?  
I'm now upon my death bed sir, and 'tis fit  
I should unbosom my free conscience  
And show the faith I die in, I do believe  
'tis tyranny that takes my life.  Sim. 
Would it were gone  
By one means or other, what a long day  
Will this be ere night?  Cre. 
Simonides.  Sim 
here sit— weeping.  Cre. 
Wherefore dost thou 〈◊〉?  Clean. 
'cause you make no more haste to your end.  Sim. 
How can you question nature so unjustly?  
I had a grandfather, and then had not you  
True filial tears for him?  Clean. 
Hypocrite,  
A disease of drought dry up all pity from him  
That can dissemble pity with wet eyes  Cre 
Be good unto your mother Simonides,  
She must be now your care.  Anti. 
To what end sir?  
The bell of this sharp edict tolls for me  
As it rings out for you, I'll be as ready  
With one hour's stay to go along with you.  Cre. 
Thou must not woman, there are years behind  
Before thou canst set forward in this voyage,  
And nature sure will now, be kind to all:  
She has a quarrel in't, a cruel Law  
Seeks to prevent her, she'll therefore fight in't  
And draw out life even to her longest thread  
Thou art scarce fifty five.  Anti. 
So many morrows,  
Those five remaining years I'll turn to days  
To hours or minutes for thy company,  
'tis fit that you and I being man and wife  
Should walk together arm in arm.  Sim. 
I hope they'll go together, I would they would i'faith,  
Then would her thirds be saved to, the day goes away sir.  Cre. 
Why wouldst thou have me gone Simonides?  Sim. 
O my heart, would you have me gone before you sir?  
You give me such a deadly wound.  Clean. 
fine rascal.  Sym. 
Blemish my duty so with such a question,  
Sir I would haste me to the Duke for mercy,  
He that's above the Law may mitigate  
The rigor of the Law, how a good meaning  
May be corrupted by misconstruction?  Cre. 
Thou corrupt'st mine, I did not think thou meanest so.  Clean. 
You were in the more error.  Sym. 
The words wounded me.  Clean. 
'twas pity thou diedst not on't.  Sym. 
I have been ransacking the helps of Law  
Conferring with these learned advocates,  
If any scruple cause or wrested sense  
Could have been found out to preserve your life,  
It had been bought though with your full estate,  
Your life's so precious to me, but there is none.  1. Law. 
Sir we have canvased it from top to toe,  
Turned it upside down, throw her on her side  
Nay opened and dissected all her entrails  
Yet can find none, there's nothing to be hoped  
But the Duke's mercy.  Sym. 
I know the hope of that,  
He did not make the Law for that purpose.  Cre. 
Then to his hopeless mercy last I go,  
I have so many precedents before me.  
I must call it hopeless Antigona,  
See me delivered up unto my death's man  
And then we'll part, five years hence I'll look for thee.  Sim. 
I hope she'll not stay so long behind you.  Cre. 
Do not bate him an hour by grief and sorrow  
Since there's a day prefixed, haste it not,  
Suppose me sick Antigona, dying now  
Any Disease thou wilt may be my end  
Or when Death's slow to come, say Tyrants send Exeunt.  Sim. 
Cleanthes if you want money, tomorrow use me,  
I'll trust you while your father's dead. Exeunt.  Clean. 
Why here's a villain,  
Able to corrupt a thousand by example,  
Does the kind root bleed out his livelihood  
In parent distribution to his branches,  
Adorning them with all his glorious fruits,  
Proud that his pride is seen when he's unseen,  
And must not gratitude discend again  
To comfort his old limbs in fruitless winter  
Improvident, at least partial nature  
Weak woman in this kind, who in thy last  
Teeming still forgets the former, ever making  
The burden of thy last throws the dearest  
Darling; oh yet in noble man reform it,  
And make us better than those vegetives,  
Whose souls die within em; nature as thou art old,  
If love and justice be not dead in thee,  
Make some the pattern of thy piety,  
Lest all do turn unnaturally against thee,  
And thou be blamed for our oblivions Enter Leonides and Hippolita.  
And brutish reluctations; It here's the ground  
Whereon my filial faculties must build  
An edifice of honour or of shame  
To all mankind.  Hip. 
You must avoid it sir:  
If there be any love within yourself,  
This is far more than fate of a lost game  
That another venture may restore again;  
It is your life which you should not subject  
To any cruelty if you can preserve it.  Clean. 
O dearest woman, thou hast now doubled  
A thousand times thy nuptial dowry to me;  
Why she whose love is but derived from me  
Is gone before me in my debted duty.  Hip. 
Are you thinking such a resolution sir?  Cle. 
Sweetest Hippolita what love taught say  
To be so forward in so good a cause?  Hip. 
Mine own pity sir, did first instruct me  
And then your love and power did both command me.  Cle. 
They were all blessed angels to direct thee,  
And take their counsel; how do you fare sir?  Leon. 
Never better Cleanthes, I have conceived  
Such a new joy within this old bosom,  
As I did never think would there have entered.  Cle. 
Joy call you it, alas 'tis sorrow sir,  
The worst of sorrows, sorrow unto death.  Leon. 
Death, what's that Cleanthes, I thought not on't?  
I was in contemplation of this woman.  
'tis all thy comfort son, thou hast in her  
A treasure unvaluable, keep her safe;  
When I die, sure twill be a gentle death;  
For I will die with wonder of her virtues,  
Nothing else shall dissolve me.  Clean. 
'Twere much better sir,  
Could you prevent their malice.  Leon. 
I'll prevent 'em,  
And die the way I told thee, in the wonder  
Of this good woman. I tell thee there few men  
Have such a child (I must thank thee for her)  
That the stronger tie of wedlock should do more  
Than nature in her nearest ligaments  
Of blood and propagation, I should ne'er  
Have begot such a daughter of my own:  
A daughter in law, law were above nature  
Were there more such children.  Cle. 
This admiration  
Helps nothing to your safety, think of that sir.  Leon. 
Had you heard her Cleanthes but labour  
In the search of means to save my forfeit life,  
And knew the wise and sound preservations  
That she found out, you would redouble all  
My wonder in your love to her.  Cle. 
The thought,  
The very thought claims all that from me,  
And she's now possessed of it, but good sir,  
If you have aught received from her advice,  
Let's follow it, or else let's better think,  
And take the surest course.  Leon. 
I'll tell thee one,  
She counsel me to fly my severe Country,  
Turn all into treasure, and there build up  
My decaying fortunes in a safer soil,  
Where Epire's law cannot claim me  Cle. 
And sir, I apprehend it as safest course  
And may be easily accomplished;  
Let us be all most expeditious  
Every Country where we breath will be our own,  
On better soil; heaven is the roof of all,  
And now as Epire's situate by this law,  
There is twixt us and heaven a dark eclipse.  Hip. 
Oh then avoid it sir, these sad events  
Follow those black predictions.  Leon. 
I prithee peace,  
I do allow thy love Hippolita,  
But must not follow it as counsel, child;  
I must not shame my Country for the law:  
This Country here hath bred me, brought me up,  
And shall I now refuse a grave in her?  
I'm in my second infancy and children  
ne'er sleep so sweetly in their nurse's cradle.  
As in their natural mothers.  Hip, 
ay but sir,  
She is unnatural, than the stepmother  
Is to be preferred before her.  Leon. 
Tush, she shall  
Allow it me despite of her entrails;  
Why do you think how far from judgement 'tis  
That I should travel forth to seek a grave  
That is already digged for me at home,  
Nay perhaps find it in my way to seek it?  
How have I then sought a repentant sorrow?  
For your dear loves how have I banished you  
From your Country ever with my base attempt  
How have I beggared you in wasting that  
Which only for your sakes I bred together,  
Buried my name in Epire which I built  
Upon this frame to live for ever in.  
What a base coward shall I be to fly  
From that enemy which every minute meets me?  
And thousand odds he had not long vanquished me  
Before this hour of battle, sly my death  
I will not be so false unto your states,  
Nor fainting to the man that's yet in me,  
I'll meet him bravely, I cannot (this knowing) fear  
That when I am gone hence I shallbe there,  
Come, I have days of preparation left.  Cle. 
Good sir, hear me:  
I have a Genius that has prompted me,  
And I have almost formed it into words,  
'tis done, pray you observe 'em, I can conceal you  
And yet not leave your Country.  Leon. 
Tush, it cannot be  
Without a certain peril on's all.  Clean. 
Danger must be hazarded rather than accept  
A sure destruction: you have a Lodge sir,  
So far remote from way of passengers,  
That seldom any mortal eye does greet with it,  
And yes so sweetly situate with thickets  
Built with such cunning Labyrinths within,  
As if the provident heavens foreseeing cruelty  
Had bid you frame it to this purpose only.  Leon. 
Fie, fie, 'tis dangerous, and treason to,  
To abuse the law,  Hip. 
'tis holy care sir,  
Of your dear life, which is your own to keep,  
But not your own to lose, either in will  
Or negligence.  Cle. 
Call you it treason sir,  
I had been then a traitor unto you,  
Had I forgot this, beseech you accept of it,  
It is secure, and a duty to yourself.  Leon. 
What a coward will you make me?  Cle. 
You mistake  
'tis noble courage, now you fight with death,  
And yield not to him till you stoop under him.  Leon. 
This must needs open to discovery,  
And then what torture follows?  Cle. 
By what means sir?  
Why there's but one body in all this counsel,  
Which cannot betray itself, we two are one,  
One soul, one body, one heart, that think all one thought,  
And yet we two are not completely one,  
But as have derived myself from you,  
Who shall betray us where there is no second?  Hip. 
You must not mistrust my faith though my sex  
Plead weak and frailty for me.  Leon. 
Oh I dare not!  
But where's the means that must make answer for me  
I cannot be lost without a full account,  
And what must pay that reckoning?  Cle. 
Oh sir, we will  
Keep solemn obits for your funeral;  
we'll seem to weep, and seem to joy withal  
That death so gently has prevented you  
The law's sharp rigor, and this no mortal ear  
Shall participate the knowledge of.  Leon. 
Ha, ha, ha,  
This willbe a sportive fine Demur  
If the Error be not found.  Cle. 
Pray doubt of none  
Your company and best provision  
Must be no further furnished then by us,  
And in the interim your solitude  
May converse with heaven, and fairly prepare  
Which was too violent and raging  
Thrown headlong on you.  Leo. 
Still there are some doubts  
Of the discovery, yet I do allow't.  Hip. 
Will you not mention now the cost and charge  
Which willbe in your keeping?  Leon. 
That willbe somewhat  
Which you might save to.  Cle. 
With his will against him;  
What foe is more to man then man himself?  
Are you resolved sir?  Leon. 
I am Cleanthes:  
If by this means I do get a reprieve  
And cozen death a while, when he shall come  
Armed in his own power to give the blow,  
I'll smile upon him then, and laughing go. Exeunt.  
Finis Actus Primi.   

Act. II. Scen. I.  Enter Duke,. Courtiers and Executioner. Duke. 
EXecutioner.  Exe. 
My Lord.  Duke. 
How did old Diocles take his death?  Exe. 
As weeping Brides receive their joys at night my Lord,  
With trembling yet with patience.  Duke. 
Why 'twas well.  1. Cour. 
Nay I knew my Father would do well my Lord.  
When ere he came to die, I'd that opinion of him.  
Which made me the more willing to part from him;  
He was not fit to live i'th' world indeed any time these  
Ten years my Lord.  
But I would not say so much.  Duke. 
No, you did not well in't,  
For he that's all spent is ripe for death at all hovers,  
And does but trifle time out,  1. Cour. 
troth my Lord,  
I would I had known your mind nine years ago,  Duke, 
Our Law is fourscore years, because we judge  
Dotage complete then, as unfruitfulness  
In Women at threescore, marry if the son  
Can within compass bring good solid proofs  
Of his own father's weakness and unfitness  
To live or sway the living though he want five  
Or ten years of his number, that's not it,  
His defect makes him fourscore, and 'tis fit  
He dies when he deserves, for every act  
Is in effect then when the cause is ripe.  2. Court. 
An admirable Prince how rarely he talks?  
Oh that we'd known this Lads, what a time did we endure  
In two penny Commons? and in boots twice vamped.  1. Cour. 
Now we have two pairs a week, & yet not thankful,  
'twill be a fine world for them sirs that come after as.  2. Cour. 
I and they knew't. 2. Cou Peace let them never know't.  3. Cour. 
A Pox there be young heirs will soon smelled out.  2. Court. 
'twill come to 'em by instinct man, may your grace  
Never be old, you stand so well for youth.  Duke. 
Why now methinks our Court looks like a Spring,  
Sweet, fresh, and fashionable, now the old weeds are gone.  1. Cour. 
'tis as a Court should be: Gloss and good Clothes,  
My Lord no matter for merit and herein your Law proves a provident act my Lord, when men pass not the palsy of their Tongues, nor color in their Cheeks.  Duke. 
But women by that Law should live long,  
For theyare near passed it.  1. Cour. 
It will have heats though when they see the painting  
Go an inch deep i'th' wrinkle, and take up  
A box more than their Gossips, but for men my Lord  
That should be the sole bravery of a Palace,  
To walk with hollow eyes and long white beards,  
(As if a Prince dwelled in a Land of Goats)  
With Clothes as if they sat upon their backs on purpose  
To arraign a fashion and condemn't to exile  
Their pockets in their sleeves, as if they laid  
Their ear to avarice, and heard the Devil whisper;  
Now ours lie downward here close to the flank,  
Right spending pockets as a son's should be  
That lives i'th' fashion, where our diseased fathers  
Would with the Sciatica and Aches  
Brought up your paind hose first, which Ladies laughed at,  
Giving no reverence to the place, (lies ruined,)  
They love a doublet that's three hours a buttoning,  
And sits so close makes a man groan again,  
And his Soul matter half a day; yet these are those  
That carry sway and worth, pricked up in Clothes,  
Why should we fear our rising?  Duke 
You but wrong  
Our kindness, and your own deserts to doubt on't,  
Has not our Law made you rich before your time?  
Our countenance then can make you honourable.  1. Court. 
we'll spare for no cost sir to appear worthy.  Duk. 
Why you're i'th' noble way then, for the most  
Are but appearers, worth itself it is lost  
And bravery stands for't. Enter Creon, Antigona & Simonides.  1. Court. 
Look, look, who comes here  
I smell Death and another Courtier,  
Simonides.  2. Cour. 
Sim.  Sim. 
Push, I'm not for you yet,  
Your companies too costly, after the old man's  
Dispatched I shall have time to talk with you,  
I shall come into the fashion ye shall see too  
After a day or two, in the mean time  
I am not for your company.  Duke 
Old Creon you have been expected long.  
Sure you're above fourscore.  Sim. 
Upon my life  
Not four and twenty hours my Lord, I searched  
The Church Book yesterday, does your Grace think  
I'd let my Father wrong the Law my Lord?  
'twere pity a'my life then, no your Act  
Shall not receive a minute's wrong by him  
While I live sir, and he's so just himself too  
I know he would no offer't, here he stands.  Creon. 
'tis just I die indeed my Lord, for I confess  
I'm troublesome to life now, and the State  
Can hope for nothing worthy from me now,  
Either in force or counsel, I've o'late  
Employed myself quite from the World, and he that once  
Begins to serve his maker faithfully  
Can never serve a worldly Prince well after,  
'tis clean another way.  Anti. 
Oh give not confidence  
To all he speaks my Lord in his own injury!  
His preparation only for the next world  
Makes him talk wildly to his wrong of this,  
He is not lost in judgement.  Sim. 
She spoils all again.  Anti. 
Deserving any way for state employment.  Sim. 
Mother.  Anti 
His very household laws prescribed at home by him  
Are able to conform 7. Christian kingdoms,  
They are so wise and virtuous.  Sim. 
Mother, I say.  Anti. 
I know your laws extend not to desert sir,  
But to unnecessary years, and my Lord  
His are not such, though they show white, they're worthy,  
judicious, able, and religious.  Sim. 
I'll help you to a Courtier of nineteen, Mother.  Anti. 
Away unnatural.  Sim. 
Then I am no fool I'm sure,  
For to be natural at such a time  
Were a fool's part indeed.  Anti. 
Your grace's pity sir,  
An 'tis but fit and just.  Creon. 
The law my Lord,  
And that's the justest way.  Sim. 
Well said father ifaith.  
Thou wert ever juster than my mother still.  Duke. 
Come hither sir.  Sim 
My Lord.  Du. 
What are those orders?  Antig. 
Worth observation sir,  
So please you hear them read.  Sim. 
The woman speaks she knows not what my Lord:  
He make a Law, poor man he bought a Table indeed,  
Only to learn to die by't; there's the business now  
Wherein there are some precepts for a son to,  
How he should learn to live, but I ne'er looked upon't:  
For when he's dead I shall live well enough,  
And keep a better Table than that I trow.  Duke 
And is that all sir?  Sim. 
All I vow my Lord,  
Save a few running admonitions  
Upon Cheese Trenchers, as Take heed of whoring, shun it;  
'tis like a cheese too strong of the Runnet,  
And such calf's maws of wit and admonition  
Good to catch mice with, but not sons and heirs,  
They're not so easily caught.  Du. 
Agent for death.  Exe. 
Your will my Lord.  Du. 
Take hence that pile of years  
Before surfeit with unprofitable age  
And with the rest from the high promontory,  
Cast him into the sea.  Creon. 
'tis noble justice.  Anti. 
'tis cursed tyranny.  Sim. 
Peace, take heed mother, you have but a short time to be cast down yourself, and let a young Courtier do't, and you be wise, in the mean time.  Anti 
Hence slave.  Sim. 
Well seven and fifty,  
gave but three years to scoed, then comes your payment,  1. Court. 
Simonides.  Sim. 
Push, I am not brave enough to hold you talk yet,  
Give a man time. I have a suit a making. Recorders.  2. Cour. 
We love thy form first, brave clothes will come man.  Sim. 
I'll make 'em come else with a mischief to em,  
As other gallants do, that have less left 'em.  Du. 
Hark whence those sounds, what's that?  1. Cou. 
Some funeral Recorders. Enter Cleanthes & Hipolita with a hears  
It seems my Lord, and young Cleanthes follows.  Du. 
Cleanthes.  2. Cour. 
'tis my Lord, and in the place  
Of a chief mourner to, but strangely habited.  Du. 
Yet suitable to his behaviour, mark it,  
He comes all the way smiling, do you observ't?  
I never saw a Corpse so joyfully followed,  
Light colours and light cheeks, who should this be?  
'tis a thing worth resolving.  Sim. 
One belike that doth participate  
In this our present joy.  Du. 
Cleanthes,  Clean. 
Oh my Lord.  Du. 
He laughed outright now,  
Was ever such a contrariety seen  
In natural courses yet, nay professed openly?  1. Cour. 
I ha' known a widow laugh closely my Lord  
Under her handkercher, when t'other part of her old face has wept  
Like rain in sunshine, but all the face to laugh apparently  
Was never seen yet.  Sim. 
Yes mine did once.  Clean. 
'tis of a heavy time the joyfull'st day  
That ever son was born to.  Du. 
How can that be?  Clean 
I joy to make it plain, my father's dead.  Du. 
Dead!  2. Cour. 
Old Leonides.  Clean. 
In his last month dead,  
He beguiled cruel Law the sweetliest  
That ever age was blessed to,  
It grieves me that a tear should fall upon't,  
Being a thing so joyful; but his memory  
Will work it out I see; when his poor heart broke  
I did not so much but leapt for joy,  
So mountingly I touched the stars methought,  
I would not hear of blacks I was so light,  
But chose a colour Orient, like my mind,  
For blacks are often such dissembling mourners,  
There is no credit given too't, it has lost  
All reputation by false sons and widows;  
Now I would have men know what I resemble,  
A truth indeed, 'tis joy clad like a joy,  
Which is more honest than a cunning grief  
That's only faced with sables for a show,  
But gaudy hearted; when I saw death come  
So ready to deceive you, sir forgive me,  
I could not choose but be entirely merry,  
And yet to see now of a sudden  
Naming but Death, I show myself a mortal,  
That's never constant to one passion long;  
I wonder whence that tear came when I smiled,  
In the production on't, sorrows a thief,  
That can when joy looks on steal forth a grief,  
But gracious leave my Lord, when I have performed  
My last poor duty to my father's bones,  
I shall return your servant.  Du. 
Well perform it,  
The Law is satisfied, they can but die,  
And by his death Cleanthes you gain well,  
A rich and fair revenue. Flourish  Sim. 
I would I had e'en another father, condition he did the like  Clean. 
I have passed it bravely, now how blessed was I  
To have the dim sight, now 'tis confirmed  
Past fear or doubts confirmed, on on I say,  
He that brought me to man I bring to clay.  Sim. 
I'm wrapped now in a contemplation,  
Even at the very sight of yonder Hearse,  
I do but think what a fine thing 'tis now  
To live and follow some seven uncles thus,  
As many cousin germane, and such people  
That will leave Legacies, a pox I'd see 'em hanged else ere I'd follow  
One of them, and they could find the way now I've enough to begin to be horrible covetous.  Enter Butler, Tailor, Baily, Cook, Coachman, and Footman. But. 
We come to know your worship's pleasure sir,  
Having long served your father, how your good will  
Stands towards our entertainment.  Sim. 
Not a jot i'faith:  
My father wore cheap garments, he might do't, I shall have all my Clothes come home tomorrow, they will eat up all you, and there were more of you sirs; to keep you six at Livery and still munching.  Tay. 
Why I'm a tailor, you've most need of me sir.  Sim. 
Thou mad'st my father's clothes that I confess,  
But what son and heir will have his father's tailor  
Unless he have a mind to be well laughed at? thouhast been so used to wide long side things, that when I come to truss I shall have the waste of my Doublet lie upon my buttocks, a sweet sight.  But. 
I a Butler.  Sim. 
There's Jest need of thee fellow, I shall ne'er drink at Home, I shall be so drunk abroad.  But. 
But a cup of small beer will do well next morning sir  Sim. 
I grant you, but what need I keep so big a knave for a Cup of small Beer?  Cook. 
Butler you have your answer, marry sir a Cook,  
I know your mastership cannot be without.  Sim. 
The more ass art thou to think so, for what should I do With a Mountebank, no drink in my house, the banishing the Butler might have been a warning for thee, unless thou meanst to Choke me.  Cook. 
Ith' mean time you have choked me, methinks.  Bay. 
These are superfluous vanities indeed,  
And so accounted of in these days sir,  
But then your Bailiff to receive your rents.  Sim. 
I prithee hold thy tongue fellow, I shall take a course to spend 'em faster than thou canst reckon 'em, 'tis not the rents must serve my turn, unless I mean to be laughed at, if a man should be seen out of slash me, let him ne'er look to be a right gallant: But sirrah with whom is your business?  Coach 
Your good mastership.  Sim. 
You have stood silent all this while, like men  
That know their strengths i'these days, none of you  
Can want employment, you can win me wagers  
Footman in running races.  Footman 
I dare boast it sir.  Sim. 
And when my bets are all come in and store  
Then Coachman you can hurry me to my whore.  Coach. 
I'll firk 'em into foam else.  Sim. 
Speaks brave matter,  
And I'll firk some to, or't shall cost hot water.  Cook 
Why here's an age to make a Cook a Ruffian, and scald the Devil indeed, do strange mad things, make mutton pasties of dog's flesh, back Snal●es for Lamprey Pies, and Cats for coneys:  But. 
Come will you be ruled by a butler's advice once? for we must make up our fortunes somewhere now as the case stands, lets e'en therefore go seek out widows of nine and fifty and we can, that's within a year of their deaths, and so we shall be sure to be quickly rid of 'em, for a years' enough of conscience to be troubled with a wife for any man living.  Cook. 
Oracle Butler, Oracle Butler, he puts down all the Doctors a'th' name. Exeunt.  Enter Eugenia, and Parthenia. Eug. 
Parthenia.  Par. 
Mother.  Eug. 
I shall be troubled  
This six months with an old Clog, would the Law  
Had been cut one year shorter.  Par. 
Did you call forsooth.  Eug. 
Yes, you must make some spoon meat for your father,  
And warm three night caps for him, out upon'nt  
The mere conceit turns a young woman's stomach,  
His slippers must be warmed in August too,  
And his gown girt to him in the very dog-days  
When every Mastiff lolls out'ts tongue for heat,  
Would not this vex a beauty of 19. now?  
Alas I shall be tumbling in cold Baths now  
Under each arm pit a fine bean flower bag  
To screw out whiteness when I list,  
And some seven of the properest men i'th' Dukedom,  
Making a Banquet ready i'th' next room for me,  
Where he that gets the first kiss is envied  
And stands upon his guard a fortnight after;  
This is a life for nineteen, but 'tis justice  
For old men, whose great acts stand in their minds  
And nothing in their bodies, do ne'er think  
A woman young enough for their desire,  
And we young wenches that have mother wits  
And love to marry muck first, and man after,  
Do never think old men are old enough  
That we may soon be rid on 'em there's our quittance;  
I have wasted for the happy hour this two year  
And if Death be so unkind still to let him live  
All that time I am lost. Enter Courtiers.  1. Cour. 
Young Lady.  2. Cour. 
O sweet precious bud of beauty!  
Troth she smells over all the house methinks.  1. Court. 
The Sweet Briers but a counterfeit to her,  
It does exceed you only in the prickle,  
But that it shall not long if you'll be ruled Lady.  Eug. 
What means this sudden visitation Gentlemen?  
So passing well performed too, whose your Milliner?  1. Cour. 
Love and thy Beauty Widow.  Eug. 
Widow sir.  1. Court. 
'tis sure and that's as good, in troth we're suitors  
We come a-wooing wench, plain dealings best.  Eug. 
A wooing, what before my husband's dead?  2. Cour. 
Let's lose no time, 6. months will have an end you know,  
I know't by all the Bonds that ere I made yet.  Eug. 
That's a sure knowledge, but it holds not here sir.  1. Cour. 
Do not you know the craft of your young Tumblers? That you wed an old man, you think upon another husband as you are marrying of him, we knowing your thoughts made bold to see you. Enter Simonides, Coachman.  Eug. 
How wondrous right he speaks 'twas my thought indeed.  Sim. 
By your leave sweet Widow, do you lack any gallants?  Eug. 
Widow again, 'tis a comfort to be called so.  1. Cour. 
whose's this Simonides.  2. Cour. 
Brave Sim i'faith.  Sim. 
Coachman.  Coach. 
Sir.  Sim. 
Have an especial care of my new mares,  
They say sweet Widow he that loves a horse well  
Must needs love a Widow well, when dies thy Husband?  
is't not july next.  Eug. 
Oh you're too hot sir!  
Pray cool yourself and take September with you.  Sim. 
September oh I was but two Bows wide.  1. Cour. 
Mr. Simonides.  Sim. 
I can entreat you gallants, I'm in fashion too. Ent. Lisander.  Lisan. 
Ha, whence this herd of folly, what are you?  Sim. 
Well willers to your wife, pray tend your book sir,  
We have nothing to say to you, you may go die,  
For here be those in place that can supply.  Lisan. 
What's thy wild business here?  Sim. 
Old man, I'll tell thee,  
I come to beg the reversion of thy Wife,  
I think these gallants be of my mind too, but thou art but a dead  
Man, therefore what should a man do talking with thee,  
Come Widow stand to your tickling.  Lisan. 
Impious blood hounds.  Sim. 
Let the Ghost talk, ne'er mind him.  Lisan. 
Shames of nature.  Sim. 
Alas poor Ghost, consider what the man is.  Lisan. 
monster's unnatural, you that have been covetous  
Of your own father's deaths, gape ye for mine now?  
Cannot a poor old man that now can reckon  
e'en all the hours he has to live, live quiet  
For such wild beasts as these, that neither hold  
A certainty of good within themselves,  
But scatter others comforts that are ripened  
For holy uses? is hot youth so hasty  
It will not give an old man leave to die?  
And leave a Widow first, but will make one  
The Husband looking on, may your destructions  
Come all in hasty figures to your Souls,  
Your wealth depart in haste, to overtake  
Your honesties, that died when you were infants.  
May your male seed be hasty spend thrifts too?  
Your daughter's hasty sinners and diseased  
Ere they be thought at years to welcome misery,  
And may you never know what leisure is  
But at repentance: I am too uncharitable  
Too foul, I must go cleanse myself with prayers;  
These are the Plagues of fondness to old men  
we're punished home with what we dote upon. Exit.  Sim 
So so, the Ghost is vanished now, your answer Lady.  Eug. 
Excuse me gentlemen, 'twere as much impudence  
In me to give you a kind answer yet.  
As madness to produce a churlish one.  
I could say now, come a month hence sweet gentlemen,  
Or two or three, or when you will indeed,  
But I say no such thing. I set no time  
Nor is it mannerly to deny any,  
I'll carry an even hand to all the world,  
Let other women make what haste they will,  
What's that to me, but I profess unfeignedly,  
I'll have my husband dead before I marry,  
ne'er look for other answer at my hands Gentlemen.  Sim. 
Would he were hanged for my part look for other.  Eug. 
I'm at a word  Sim. 
And I'm at a blow then,  
I'll lay you o'th' lips and leave you.  1. Cour. 
Well struck Sim.  Sim. 
He that dares say he'll mend it, I'll strike him.  1. Cour. 
He would betray himself to be a brother  
That goes about to mind it.  Eug. 
Gentlemen, you know my mind, I bar you not my house,  
But if you choose out hours more seasonably  
You may have entertainment.  Enter Parthenia. Sim. 
What will she do hereafter when sh' is a widow,  
Keeps open house already? Exeunt.  Eug. 
How now Girl?  Parth. 
Those feathered fools that hither took their flight,  
Have grieved my father much.  Eug. 
Speak well of youth Wench  
While thoust a day to live; 'tis youth must make thee,  
And when youth fails, wise women will make it;  
But always take age first to make thee rich:  
That was my counsel ever, and then youth  
Will make thee sport enough all thy life after.  
'tis Time's policy Wench, what is't to bide  
A little hardness for a pair of years or so,  
A man whose only strength lies in his breath,  
Weakness in all parts else, thy bedfellow  
A cough o'th' Lungs, or say a wheening matter,  
Then shake off chains, and dance all thy life after.  Parth. 
Every one to their likings, but I say  
An honest man's worth all, be he young or grey,  
Yonder's my Cousin.  Enter Hippolita. Eug 
Art I must use thee now,  
Dissembling is the best help for a virtue  
That ever woman had, it saves their credit often.  Hip. 
How now Cousin,  
What weeping?  Eug. 
Can you blame me when the time  
Of my dear Love and Husband now draws on;  
I study funeral rears against the day  
I must be a sad widow.  Hip. 
In troth Eugenia I have cause to weep to,  
But when I visit, I come comfortably,  
And look to be so quited, yet more sobbing.  Eug. 
Oh the greatest part of your affliction's past,  
The worst of mine's to come, I have one to die,  
Your husband's father is dead, and fixed  
In his eternal peace, past the sharp tyrannous blow.  Hip. 
You must use patience coz.  Eug. 
Tell me of patience.  Hip. 
You have example for't in me and many.  Eug. 
Yours was a father in law, but mine a husband  
On for a woman that could love and live  
With an old man, mine is a jewel Cousin,  
So quietly he lies by one, so still.  Hip. 
Alas! I have a secret lodged within me  
Which now will out, in pity I can't hold.  Eugen. 
One that will not disturb me in my sleep  
After a whole month together, less it be  
With those diseases age is subject to,  
As aches, coughs, and pains, and these heaven knows  
Against his will too, he's the quietest man,  
Especially in bed.  Hip. 
Be comforted.  Eug 
How can I Lady?  
None knows the terror of an husband's loss  
But they that fear to lose him.  Hip. 
Fain would I keep it in, but 'twill not be,  
She is my kinswoman, and i'm pitiful,  
I must impart a good if I know't once,  
To them that stand in need on't, I'm like one  
Loves not to banquet with a joy alone,  
My friends must partake too, prithee cease Cousin  
If your love be so boundless, which is rare  
in a young woman in these days, I tell you,  
To one so much past service as your husband,  
There is a way to beguile law, and help you,  
My husband found it out first.  Eug. 
Oh sweet cousin!  Hip. 
You may conceal him, and give out his death  
Within the time, order his funeral too;  
We had it so for ours, I praise heaven for't,  
And he's alive and safe.  Eug. 
O blessed coz,  
How thou revivest me?  Hip 
We daily see  
The good old man, and feed him twice a day,  
methinks it is the sweetest joy to cherish him,  
That ever life yet showed me.  Eug. 
So should I think  
A dainty thing to nurse an old man well.  Hip. 
And then we have his prayers and daily blessing.  
And we two live so lovingly upon't,  
His son and I, and so contentedly,  
You cannot think unless you tasted on't.  Eug. 
No I warrant you, Oh loving Cousin,  
What a great sorrow hast thou eased me of?  
A thousand thanks go with thee.  Hip. 
I have a suit to you, I must not have you weep when I am gone. Exit.  Eug. 
No, if I do near trust me: Easy fool,  
Thou hast put thyself into my power for ever:  
Take heed of angering of me; I conceal,  
I fain a Funeral, I keep my husband,  
Lass I have been thinking any time these two years  
I have kept him too long already.  
I'll go count o'er my Suitors, that's my business,  
And prick the man down, I ha' six months to do't,  
But could dispatch him in one, were I put too't. Exit.  
Finis Actus Secundi.   

Act. III. Scen. I.  Enter the Clown and clerk. Clo. 
YOu have searched o'er the Parish Chronicles sir?  Clar. 
Yes sir, I have found out the true age and date of the party you wot on.  Clo. 
Pray you be covered sir.  Clar. 
When you have showed me the way sir.  Clo. 
Oh sir remember yourself, you are a clerk.  Clar. 
A small clerk sir.  Clo. 
Likely to be the wiser man sir, for your greatest Clarks are not always so, as 'tis reported.  Clar. 
You are a great man in the Parish sir.  Clo. 
I understand myself so much the better sir, for all the best in the Parish pay duties to the clerk, and I would owe you none sir.  Clar. 
Since you'll have it so, I'll be the first to hide my head.  Clo. 
Mine is a cap-case now to our business in your hand, good luck I hope, I long to be resolved.  Clar. 
Look you sir, this is that cannot deceive you.  
This is the Dial that goes ever true;  
You may say Ipse dixit upon this witness,  
And 'tis good in Law too.  Clo. 
Pray you let's bear what it speaks.  Clar. 
Mark sir, Agatha the daughter of Pollux, this is your wife's name, and the name of her father, born.  Clo. 
Whose daughter say you.  Clar. 
The daughter of Pollux  Clo. 
I take it his name was Bollux.  Clar. 
Pollux the Orthography I assure you sir, the word is corrupted else.  Clo. 
Well on sir of Pollux, now come on Castor.  Clar. 
Born in an. 1540. and now 'tis 99. by this infallible record sir (let me see) she is now just 59. and wants but one.  Clo. 
I am sorry she wants so much.  Clar. 
Why sir? alas 'tis nothing, 'tis but so many months, so many weeks, so many—  Clo. 
Do not deduct it to days 'twill be the more tedious, and to measure it by hour glasses were intolerable.  Clar. 
Do not think on it sir, half the time goes away in sleep, 'tis half the year in nights.  Clo. 
Oh you mistake me neighbour, I am loath to leave the good old woman. if she were gone now it would not grieve me, for what is a year alas but a lingering torment? and were it not better she were out of her pain, 'tmust needs be a grief to us both.  Clar. 
I would I knew how to ease you neighbour?  Clo. 
You speak kindly truly, and if you say but Amen to it, (which is a word that I know you are perfect in) it might be done, Clarks are the most indifferent honest men, for to the marriage of your enemy, or the burial of your friend, the Curses or the Blessings to you are all one, you say Amen to all.  Clar. 
With a better will to the one then the other neighbour, but I shall be glad to say Amen to any thing might do you a pleasure.  Clo. 
There is first something above your duty, now I would have you set forward the Clock a little, in to help the old woman out of her pain.  Clar. 
I will speak to the Sexton for that, but the day will go ne'er the faster for that.  Clo. 
Oh neighbour you do not conceit me, not the Jack of the Clockhouse the hand of the Dial I mean, come, I know you being a great clerk, cannot choose but have the art to cast a figure.  Clar. 
Never indeed neighbour, I never had the judgement to cast a figure.  Clo. 
I'll show you on the back side of your book, look you, what figures this.  Clar. 
Four with a Cipher that's forty.  Clo. 
So forty, what's this now?  Clar. 
The Cipher is turned into 9. by adding the tail which makes forty nine.  Clo. 
Very well understood, what is't now?  Clar. 
The 4. is turned into 3. 'tis now thirty nine.  Clo. 
Very well understood, and can you do this again?  Clar. 
Oh easily sir.  Clo. 
A wager of that, let me see the place of my wife's age again.  Clar. 
Look you sir 'tis here 1540.  Clo. 
Forty drachmas, you do not turn that forty into thirty nine.  Clar. 
A match with you.  Clo. 
Done, and you shall keep stakes yourself there they are.  Clar. 
A firm match, but stay sir now I consider it, I shall add a year to your wife's age, let me see Scirophon the 17. and now 'tis Hecatomcaon the 11. if I alter this your wife will have but a month to live by the Law.  Clo. 
That's all one sir, either do it or pay me my wager.  Clar. 
Will you lose your wife before you lose your wager?  Clo. 
A man may get two wives before half so much money by 'em, will you do't?  Clar. 
I hope you will conceal me for 'tis flat corruption.  Clo. 
Nay sir I would have you keep counsel, for I lose my money by't and should be laughed at for my labour, if it should be known.  Clar. 
Well sir, there 'tis done, is perfect 39. as can be found in black and white but mum sir, there's danger in this figure casting.  Clo. 
ay sir, I know that better men than you have been thrown over the bar for as little, the best is, you can be but thrown out of the Belfry.  Enter the Cook, the tailor, Bailiff, and Butler. Clar. 
Lock close here comes company, Asses have ears as well as Pitchers.  Cook. 
Oh Gnothos, how is't? here's a trick of discarded Cards of us, we were ranked with Coats as long as our old master lived.  Clo. 
And is this then the end of Serving men?  Cook. 
Yes faith, this is the end of serving men, a wise man were better serve one God then all the men in the world.  Clo. 
'twas well! spoke of a Cook, and are all fallen into fasting days and ember weeks, that Cooks are out of use?  Tay. 
And all Tailors will be cut into Lists and Shreds, if this world hold, we shall grow both out of request.  But. 
And why not Butlers as well as Tailors, if they can go naked, let 'em neither eat nor drink.  Cla. 
That's strange methinks, a Lord should turn away his tailor of all men, and how dost thou Taylor?  Tay. 
I do so so, but indeed all our wants are long of this Publican my Lords Bailiff, for had he been rent gatherer still, our places had held together still, that are now seam rent, nay cracked in the whole piece.  Bal. 
Sir, if my Lord had not sold his Lands that claim his Rents, I should still have been the rent gatherer.  Cook. 
The truth is, except the Coachman, and the Footman, all serving men are out of request.  Clo. 
Nay say not so, for you were never in more request than now; for requesting is but a kind of a begging, for when you say I beseech your worship's Charity, 'tis all one if you say I request it, and in that kind of requesting, I am sure serving men were never in more request.  Cook. 
troth he says true, well let that pass, we are upon a better adventure. I see Gnothos you have been before us, we came to deal with this Merchant for some commodities.  Clar. 
With me sir any thing that I can.  But. 
Nay we have looked out our Wives already, marry to you we come to know the prices, that is to know their ages for so much reverence we bear to age, that the more aged, they shall be the more dear to us.  Tay. 
The truth is every man has laid by his Widow, so they be lame enough, blind enough, and old, 'tis good enough.  Clar. 
I keep the town stock, if you can but name 'em, I can tell their ages today.  Om. 
We can tell their fortunes to an hour then.  Clar. 
Only you must pay for turning of the leaves.  Cook. 
Oh bountifully, come mine first!  But. 
The Butler before the Cook while you live, there's few that eat before they drink in a morning.  Tay. 
Nay then the tailor puts in his needle of priority, for men do clothe themselves before they either drink or eat.  Bay. 
I will strive for no place, the longer ere I marry my wife, the older she will be, and nearer her end and my ends.  Clar. 
I will serve you all gentlemen if you will have patience.  Clo. 
I commend your modesty sir, you are a Bailiff whose place is to come behind other men, as it were in the bum of all the rest.  Bay. 
So sir, and you were about this business too, seeking out for a Widow.  Clo. 
Alack no sir, I am a married man, and have those cares upon me that you would fain run into.  Bay. 
What an old rich wife, any man in this age desires such a care.  Clo. 
troth sir I'll put a venture with you if you will, I have a lusty old queen to my wife, sound of wind and limb, yet I'll give out to take three for one, at the marriage of my second wife.  Bay. 
ay sir, but how near is she to the Law?  Clo. 
Take that at hazard sir, there must be time you know to get a new: Unsight, unseen, I take 3. to one.  Bay. 
Two to one I'll give if she have but two teeth in her head.  Clo. 
A match, there's five drachmas for ten at my next wife.  Bay. 
A match.  Cook. 
I shall be fitted bravely, fifty eight and upwards, 'tis but a year and a half, and I may chance make friends, and beg a year of the Duke.  But. 
hay boys I am made sir Butler, my wife that shall be wants but two months of her time, it shall be one ere I marry her, and then the next will be a honey moon.  Tay. 
I out strip you all, I shall have but six weeks of Lent, if I get my Widow, and then comes eating tide plump and gorgeous.  Clo. 
This tailor will be a man if ever there were any.  Bay 
Now comes my turn, I hope goodman Finis, you that are still at the end of all with a so be it, well now sirs, do you venture there as I have done? and I'll venture hereafter you, good luck I beseech thee.  Clar. 
Amen sir.  Bay. 
That deserves a fee already, there 'tis, please me and have a better.  Clar. 
Amen sir.  Cook. 
How two for one at your next wife, is the old one living?  Clo. 
You have a fair Match, I offer you no foul one, if Death make not haste to call her, she'll make none to go to him.  But. 
I know her, she's a lusty woman, I'll take the venture.  Clo. 
There's five drachmes for ten at my next wife.  But. 
A bargain.  Cook. 
Nay then we'll be all Merchants give me.  Tay. 
And me.  But. 
What has the Bailiff sped?  Bay. 
I am content, but none of you shall know my happiness.  Clar. 
As well as any of you all believe it sir.  Bay. 
Oh clerk you are to speak last always.  Clar. 
I'll remember't hereafter sir, you have done with me Gentlemen? Enter Wife.  Om. 
For this time honest Register.  Clar. 
Fare you well then, if you do, I'll cry Amen too't. Exit.  Cook. 
Look you sir is not this your Wife?  Clo. 
My first wife sir.  But. 
Nay then we have made a good match on't, if she have no froward Disease, the Woman may live this dozen years by her age.  Tay. 
I'm afraid she's broken winded, she holds silence so long.  Cook. 
we'll now leave our venture to the event, I must a-wooing.  But. 
I'll but buy me a new dagger, and overtake you.  Bay. 
So we must all, for he that goes a-wooing to a Widow without a weapon will never get her. Exeunt.  Clo. 
Oh Wife, Wife!  Wife. 
What ail you man you speak so passionately.  Clo. 
'tis for thy sake sweet wife, who would think so lusty an old woman, with reasonable good teeth, and her tongue in as perfect use as ever it was, should be so near her time, but the Fates will have it so?  Wife. 
What's the matter man, you do amaze me?  Clo. 
Thou art not sick neither I warrant thee.  Wife. 
Not that I know of sure.  Clo. 
What pity 'tis a woman should be so near her end, and yet not sick.  Wife. 
Near her end man, tush I can guess at that,  
I have years good yet of life in the remainder,  
I want two yet at least of the full number,  
Than the Law I know craves impotent and useless  
And not the able women.  Clo. 
I alas I see thou hast been repairing time as well as thou couldst, the old wrinkles are well filled up, but the Vermilion is seen too thick, too thick, and I read what's written in thy forehead, it agrees with the Church Book.  Wife. 
Have you sought my age man, and I prithee how is it?  Clo. 
I shall but discomfort thee.  Wife. 
Not at all man, when there's no remedy, I will go though unwillingly.  Clo. 
1539. Just it agrees with the Book, you have about a year to prepare yourself.  Wife. 
Out alas, I hope there's more than so, but do you not think a reprieve might be gotten for half a score, and 'twere but five year, I would not care, an able woman( methinks) were to be pitied.  Clo. 
I to be pitied, but not helped, no hope of that, for indeed women have so blemished their own reputations nowadays, that it is thought the Law will meet them at fifty very shortly.  Wife. 
Marry the Heavens forbid.  Clo. 
There's so many of you that when you are old become Witches, some profess Physic, and kill good subjects faster than a burning fever; and than Schoolemistresses of the sweet sin, which commonly we call Bawds innumerable of that sort: for these and such causes 'tis thought they shall not live above fifty.  Wife. 
I man but this hurts not the good old women.  Clo. 
i'faith you are so like one another, that a man cannot distinguish 'em now; were I an old woman I would desire to go before my time, and offer myself willingly, 2. or 3. years before; oh those are brave women and worthy to be commended of all men in the world that when their Husbands die they run to be burnt to death with 'em, there's honour and credit, give me half a dozen such wives.  Wife. 
I if her Husband were dead before, 'twere a reasonable request, if you were dead I could be content to be so.  Clo. 
Fie, that's not likely, for thou hadst two husbands before me.  Wife. 
Thou wouldst not have me die, wouldst thou husband?  Clo. 
No I do not speak to that purpose, but I say what credit it were for me and thee, if thou wouldst, than thou shouldst never be suspected for a Witch, a Physician, a Bawd, or any of those things, and then how daintily should I mourn for thee, how bravely should I see thee buried, when alas if he goes before it cannot choose but be a great grief to him to think he has not seen his wife well buried, there be such virtuous women in the world, but too few, too few who desire to die 7. years before their time with all their hearts.  Wife. 
I have not the heart to be of that mind, but indeed Husband I think you would have me gone.  Clo. 
No alas I speak but for your good and your credit, for when a woman may die quickly, why should she go to Law for her Death, alack I need not wish thee gone, for thou hast but a short time to stay with me, you do not know how near 'tis, it must out, you have but a month to live by the Law.  Wife. 
Out alas.  Clo. 
Nay scarce so much.  Wife. 
Oh, oh, oh, my heart! Swoons.  Clo. 
I so, if thou wouldst go away quietly 'twere sweetly done, and like a kind wife, lie but a little longer and the bell shall toll for thee.  Wife. 
Oh my heart, but a month to live.  Clo. 
Alas why wouldst thou come back again for a month, I'll throw her down again, oh woman 'tis not three weeks, I think a fortnight is the most.  Wife. 
Nay then I am gone already. Swoons.  Clo. 
I would make haste to the Sexton now, but I'm afraid the tolling of the Bell will wake her again; if she be so wise as to go now, she stirs again, there's two lives of the nine gone.  Wife. 
Oh wouldst not thou help to recover me husband?  Clo. 
Alas, I could not find in my heart to hold thee by thy nose, or box thy cheeks, it goes against my conscience.  Wife. 
I will not be thus frighted to my Death,  
I'll search the Church Record a fortnight  
'tis too little of conscience, I cannot be so near,  
Oh time if thou beest kind lend me but a year. Exit.  Clo. 
What a spite's this, that a man cannot persuade his wife to die in any time with her good will, I have another bespoke already, though a piece of old beef will serve to breakfast, yet a man would be glad of a Chicken to supper; the clerk I hope understands no Hebrew, and cannot write backward what he hath writ forward already, and then I am well enough: 'tis but a month at most, if that were gone My venture comes in with her two for one, 'tis use enough a conscience for a brother if he had a conscience. Exit.  Enter Eugenia as one Door, Simonides, Courtiers at the other. Eug. 
Gentlemen Courtiers.  1. Cour. 
All your servants vowed Lady.  
Oh I shall kill myself with infinite laughter!  
Will nobody take my part?  Sim. 
An't be a laughing business  
Put it to me, i'm one of the best in Europe.  
My father died last too, I have the most cause.  Eug 
You ha' picked out such a time sweet Gentlemen  
To make your spleen a banquet.  Sim. 
Oh the jest Lady!  
I have a jaw stands ready for't, I'll gape,  
Half way and meet it.  Eug. 
My old Husband  
That cannot say his prayers out for Jealousy  
And madness, at your coming first to woe me.  Sim 
Well said.  1 Cour. 
Go on.  2. Cour. 
On, on.  Eug. 
Takes Counsel with the secrets of all art  
To make himself youthful again.  Sim 
How youthful, ha, ha, ha.  Eug. 
A man of forty five he would fain seem to be  
Or scarce so much if he might have his will indeed.  Sim. 
ay but his white hairs they'll betray his hoariness.  Eug 
Why there you are wide, he's not the man you take him for,  
Nay will you know him when you see him again,  
There will be five to one laid upon that.  1. Cour. 
How?  Eug 
Nay you did well to laugh faintly there,  
I promise you I think he'll out live me now,  
And deceive Law and all.  Sim. 
Merry gout forbid.  Eug. 
You little think he was at Fencing School  
At four o'clock this Morning.  Sim. 
How at Fencing School?  Eug. 
Else give no trust to woman.  Sim. 
By this light  
I do not like him then, he's like to live  
Longer than I, for he may kill me first now.  Eug. 
His dancer now came in as I met you.  1. Cour. 
His dancer too.  Eug. 
They observe turns and hours with him,  
The great French rider will be here at ten  
With his Curvetting Horse.  2. Cour. 
These notwithstanding.  
His hair and wrinkles will betray his age.  Eug. 
I'm sure his Head and Beard as he has ordered it  
Looks not past fifty now heel bringt to forty  
Within these four days for 9 times an hour at least  
He takes a Black Lead Comb and combs it over.  
Three quarters of his Beard is under fifty,  
there's but a little tuft of fourscore left Enter Lisander.  
All of one side which will be black by Monday,  
And to approve my truth see where he comes?  
Laugh softly gentlemen, and look upon him.  Sim. 
Now by this hand he's almost black i'th' mouth indeed.  1. Cour. 
He should die shortly then.  Sim. 
Marry methinks he dies too fast already,  
For he was all white but a week ago.  1. Cour. 
Oh this same coney white takes an excellent black,  
Too soon a mischief on't.  2. Cour. 
He will beguile us all  
If that little tuft Northward turn black too.  Eug. 
Nay sir I wonder 'tis so long a turning.  Sim. 
May be some Fairy's child held forth at midnight  
Has pissed upon that side.  1. Cour. 
Is this the Beard?  Lis 
Ah sirrah my young boys I shall be for you,  
This little mangy tuft takes up more time  
Than all the Beard beside, come you a-wooing  
And I alive and lusty? you shall find  
An alteration, Jack boys I have a Spirit yet,  
And I could match my hair too't, there's the fault,  
And can do offices of youth yet lightly.  
At least I will do though it pain me a little  
Shall not a man for a little foolish age  
Enjoy his Wife to himself, must young Court tits  
Play tomboys tricks with her, and he live, ha?  
I have blood that will not bear't, yet I confess  
I should be at my prayers, but where's the Dancer there. Ent. Dan  Dan. 
Here sir.  Lis. 
Come, come, come, one trick a day,  
And I shall soon recover all again.  Eug. 
'slight and you laugh too loud, we are all discovered Gentlemen  Sim. 
And I have a scurvy ginny laugh a mine own.  
Will spoil all i'm afraid.  Eug. 
Marry take heed sir.  Sim. 
Nay and I should be hanged I can't leave it, pup. there 'tis.  Eug 
Peace oh peace!  Lis. 
Come I am ready sir.  
I hear the Church Books lost where I was borne to,  
And that shall set me back one and twenty years  
There is no little comfort left in that,  
And my three Court coddlings that look parboiled,  
As if they came from Cupid's scalding house.  Sim 
He means me specially I hold my life.  Danc. 
What trick will your old Worship learn this morning sir?  Lis. 
Marry a trick if thou couldst teach a man  
To keep his Wife to himself, I'd fain learn that.  Danc. 
That's a hard trick for an old man specially  
The Horse trick comes the nearest.  Lis. 
Thou sayst true, i'faith  
They must be horsed indeed, else there's no keeping on 'em  
And horse play at fourscore is not so ready.  Danc. 
Look you here's your worship's horse trick sir.  Lis. 
Nay say not so,  
'tis none of mine I fall down horse and man,  
If I but offer at it.  Danc. 
My life for yours sir.  Lis. 
sayst thou me so.  Danc. 
Well offered by my Viol sir.  Lis. 
A Pox of this horse trick, t'as played the jade with me  
And given me a wrinch i'th' back.  Danc. 
Now here's your av, and your trick above ground.  Lis. 
Prithee no more, unless thou hast a mind  
to lay me underground, one of these tricks  
enough in a morning.  Danc. 
For your galliard sir  
You are Complete enough, I and may challenge  
The proudest Coxcomb of 'em all, I'll stand too't.  Lis. 
Faith and I've other weapons for the rest too,  
I have prepared for 'em, if ere I take  
My Gregory's here again.  Sim. 
Oh I shall burst, I can hold out no longer.  Eug. 
He spoils all.  Lis. 
The Devil and his grinners are you come.  
Bring forth the weapons we shall find you play,  
All feats of youth to Jack Boys, feats of youth.  
And these the weapon, drinking, fencing, dancing,  
Your own road ways you clyster-pipes, I'm old you say  
Yes parlous old Kids and you mark me well,  
This Beard cannot get Children, yond lank suckeggs,  
Unless such Weasels come from Court to help us  
We will get our own bats, you lecherous dogbolts Enter with Glasses.  
well said down with 'em now we shall see your spirits  
What dwindle you already?  2. Cour. 
I have no quality.  Sim. 
Nor I, unless drinking may be reckoned  
For one.  1. Cour. 
Why Sim it shall.  Lis. 
Come dare you choose your weapon now.  1. Cour. 
I dancing sir and you will be so hasty.  Lis. 
We're for you sir.  2 Cour. 
Fencing I.  Lis. 
we'll answer you to.  Sim. 
I'm for drinking your wet weapon there.  Lis. 
That wet one has cost many a princox life  
And I will send it through you with a powder.  Sim. 
Let come with a Pox, I care not so't be drink.  
I hope my guts will hold, and that's av all  
A Gentleman can look for of such trillibubs.  Lis. 
Play the first weapon, come strike, strike I say  
Yes, yes, you shall be first, I'll observe Court Rules A Galliard Laminiard  
Always the worst goes foremost, so 'twill prove I hope  
So sir, you've spit your poison, now come I,  
Now forty years ago backward and assist me  
Fall from me half my age but for three minutes,  
That I may feel no crick, I will put fair fort  
Although I hazard twenty sciaticas  
So I have hit you.  1. Cour. 
Y'ave done well i'faith sir,  Lis. 
If you confess it well 'tis excellent  
And I have hit you soundly, I am warm now,  
The second weapon instantly.  2. Cour. 
What so quick sir, will you not allow yourself a breathing time?  Lis. 
I've breath enough at all times, lucifer's Musk cod  
To give your perfumed worship 3. venies,  
A sound old man puts his thrust better home  
Then a spiced young man, there I.  2. Cour. 
Then have at you fourscore.  Lis. 
You lie twenty I hope, and you shall find it.  Sim. 
I'm glad I missed this weapon, I had an eye  
popped out ere this time, or my two butter teeth  
Thrust down my throat instead of a flap dragon.  Lis. 
There's two, peptwizle.  Danc. 
Excellently touched sir.  2. Cour. 
Had ever man such luck, speak your opinion gentlemen?  Sim. 
methinks your luck's good that your eyes are in still,  
Mine would have dropped out like a pig's half toasted.  Lis. 
There wants a third and there 'tis again.  2. Cour. 
The Devil has steeled him.  Eug. 
What a strong fiend is Jealousy?  Lis. 
Your dispatched bear whelp.  Sim. 
Now comes my weapon in.  Lis. 
Here toad stool, here.  
'tis with you and I must play these 3. wet venies.  Sim. 
Vennis in Venice Glasses, let 'em come  
They'll bruise no flesh I'm sure, nor break no bones.  2. Cour. 
Yet you may drink your eyes out sir.  Sim. 
ay but that's nothing then they go voluntarily, I do not  
Love to have 'em thrust out whether they will or ●●●.  Lis. 
here's your first weapon duck's meat.  Sim. 
How, a dutch what you call 'em.  
Stead of a German falchion, a shrewd weapon;  
And of all things, hard to be taken down,  
Yet down it must, I have a nose goes in too't  
I shall drink double I think.  1. Cour. 
The sooner off Sim.  Lis. 
I'll pay you speedily— with a trick.  
I learned once amongst drunkards, here's half pike.  Sim. 
Half pike comes well after Dutch what you call 'em,  
They'd never be asunder by their good will.  1. Cour. 
Well pulled of an old fellow.  Lis. 
Oh but your fellows  
Pull better at a rope.  1 Cour. 
There's a hair Sim.  
In that Glass.  Sim. 
An't be as long as a halter down it goes  
No hair shall cross me.  Lis. 
I make you stink worse than your Polecats do.  
here's long sword your last weapon.  Sim. 
No more weapons.  1. Cour. 
Why how now Sim bear up, thou sham'st us all else.  Sim. 
Light I shall shame you worse and I stay longer.  
I ha' got the Scotony in my head already,  
The whimsy, you all turn round, do not you dance gallants.  2. Cour. 
Pish what's all this? why Sim look the last Venny  Sim. 
No more venies goes down here, for these 2. are coming up again.  2. Cour. 
Out The disgrace of drinkers.  Sim. 
Yes 'twill out,  
Do you smell nothing yet?  1. Cour. 
Smell.  Sim. 
Farewell quickly then it will do if I stay. Exit.  1. Cour. 
A Foil go with thee.  Lise. 
What shall we put down youth at her own virtues?  
Beat folly in her own ground wondrous much  
Why may not we be held as full sufficient  
To love our own wives, then get our own children  
And live in free peace till we be dissolved?  
For such spring Butterflies that are gawdy winged,  
But no more substance than these Shamble flies  
Which Butchers boys snap between sleep and waking,  
Come but to crush you once you are all but maggots,  
For all your beamy out sides. Enter Cleanthes  Eug. 
here's Cleanthes,  
He comes to chide let him alone a little,  
Our cause will be revenged, look, look his face  
Is set for stormy weather, do but mark  
How the Clouds gather in't, 'twill pour down straight.  Clean. 
methinks I partly know you, that's my grief  
Could you not all be lost that had been handsome,  
But to be known at all 'tis more than shameful,  
Why was not your name wont to be Lisander?  Lis. 
'tis so still coz.  Clean. 
Judgement defer thy coming, else this man's miserable.  Eug. 
I told you there would be a shower anon.  2. Cour. 
we'll in and hide our noddles. Exeunt Courtiers & Eugenia.  Clean. 
What Devil brought this colour to your mind.  
Which since your childhood I ne'er saw you wear,  
You were ever of an innocent gloss  
Since I was ripe for knowledge, and would you lose it  
And change the Livery of Saints and Angels  
For this mixed monstrousness, to force a ground  
That has been so long hallowed like a Temple,  
To bring forth fruits of earth now, and turn black  
To the wild cries of lust, and the complexion  
Of Sin in act, lost and long since repented;  
Would you begin a work ne'er yet attempted;  
To pull time backward?  
See what your wife will do, are your wits perfect?  Lis. 
My wits.  Clean. 
I like it ten times worse for t'had been safer  
Now to be mad, and more excusable.  
I hear you dance again and do strange follies.  Lis. 
I must confess I have been put to some cause.  Clean. 
And yet you are not mad, pray say not so  
Give me that comfort of you that you are mad  
That I may think you are at worst, for if  
You are not mad, I then must guess you have  
The first of some Disease was never heard of,  
Which may be worse than madness, and more fearful,  
You'd weep to see yourself else, and your care  
To pray would quickly turn you white again.  
I had a father had he lived his month out  
But to ha' seen this most prodigious folly,  
There needed not the Law to have cut him off:  
The sight of this had proved his executioner, and broke his heart,  
He would have held it equal  
Done to a Sanctuary, for what is age  
But the holy place of life, Chapel of ease  
For all men's wearied miseries, and to rob  
That of her Ornament, it is accursed,  
As from a Priest to steal a holy Vestment,  
I and convert it to a sinful covering. Exit Lisander.  
I see t'has's done him good, blessing go with it, Enter Eugenia.  
Such as may make him pure again.  Eug. 
'twas bravely touched i'faith sir.  Clean. 
Oh you're welcome.  Eug. 
Exceedingly well handled.  Clean. 
'tis to you I come, he fell but i'my way.  Eug. 
You marked his beard x.  Clean. 
Mark me.  Eug. 
Did you ever see a hair so changed?  Clean. 
I must be forced to wake her loudly to,  
The Devil has rocked her so fast asleep, Strumpet.  Eug. 
Do you call sir?  Clean. 
Whore.  Eug. 
How do you sir?  Clean. 
Be I ne'er so well  
I must be sick of thee, thouart a Disease  
That stickest t'th' heart, as all such women are.  Eug. 
What ails our kindred?  Clean. 
Bless me she sleeps still, what a dead modesty is in'is woman?  
Will never blush again, look on thy work,  
But with a Christian eye, 'twould turn thy heart  
Into a shower of blood to be the cause  
Of that old man's destruction, think upon't  
Ruin eternally, for through thy loose folly's  
Heaven has found him a faint servant lately,  
His goodness has gone backward, and engendered  
With his old sins again, has lost his prayers  
And all the tears that were companions with 'em  
And like a blind fold man, giddy and blinded  
Thinking he goes right on still, swerves but one foot  
And turns to the same place where he set out,  
So he that took his farewell of the world  
And cast the joys behind him out of sight,  
Summed up his hours, made even with time and men  
Is now in heart arrived at youth again;  
All by thy wildness thy too hasty lust  
Has driven him to this strong apostasy,  
Immodesty like thine was never equalled  
i've heard of women, (shall I call 'em so)  
Have welcomed suitors ere the Corpses were cold,  
But thou thy Husband living, thou art too bold.  Eug. 
Well have you done now sir?  Clean. 
Look, look she smiles yet.  Eug. 
All this is nothing to a mind resolved,  
Ask any woman that, she'll tell you so much  
You have only shown a pretty saucy wit,  
Which I shall not forget nor to requite it,  
You shall hear from me shortly:  Clean. 
Shameless woman,  
I take my counsel from thee 'tis too honest  
And leave thee wholly to thy stronger master,  
Bless the sex of thee from thee, that's my Prayer  
Were all like thee so impudently common,  
No man would be found to wed a woman. Exit.  Eug. 
I'll fit you gloriously he that attempts to take away my pleasure,  
I'll take away his joy, and I can sure  
His conceald father pays for't, I'll e'en tell.  
Him that I mean to make my husband next Enter Simonides  
And he shall tell the Duke,— Mass here he comes.  Sim. 
Has had about with me too.  Eug. 
What no? since sir.  Sim. 
A flirt, a little flirt, he called me strange names  
But I near minded him.  Eug. 
You shall quit him sir when he as little minds you.  Sim. 
I like that well.  
I love to be revenged when no one thinks of me.  
There's little danger that way,  Eug. 
This is it then  
He you shall strike your stroke shall be profound.  
And yet your foe not guest who gave the wound.  Sim. 
A my troth I love to give such wounds. Exeunt.  
Finis Actus Tertii.   

Act. IV. Scen. I.  Enter Clown, Burler, Bailiff, tailor, Cook, Drawer, Wench. Draw. 
welcome Gentlemen, will you not draw near, will you drink at door Gentlemen?  But. 
Oh the Summer Airs best!  Draw. 
What Wine will please you drink Gentlemen?  But. 
Declare sirrah.  Clown 
What you're all sped already bullies?  Cook. 
My widow's a'th' spit and half ready lad, a turn or too more and I have done with her.  Clo. 
Then Cook I hope you have basted her before this time.  Cook. 
And stuck her with Rosemary too, to sweeten her, she was tainted ere she came to my hands what an old piece of flesh of fifty nine eleven moths and upwards, she must needs be flyblown.  Clo. 
Put her off put her off, though you lose by her, the weathers hot.  Cook. 
Why Drawer? Enter Drawer.  Draw. 
By and by, here gentlemen, here's the quintessence of Greece, the Sages never drunk better Grape.  Cook. 
Sir the mad Greeks of this age can taste their Palermo as well as the sage Greeks did before 'em, fill lick spigot.  Draw. 
Ad imum sir.  Clo. 
My friends I must doubly invite you all the fifth of the next month, to the funeral of my first wife, and to the marriage of my second. my two to one this is she.  Cook. 
I hope some of us will be ready for the funeral of our Wives by that time, to go with thee, but shall they be both of a day?  Clo. 
Oh best of all sir, where sorrow and joy meet together, one will help away with another the better, besides there will be charges saved too, the same Rosemary that serves for the Funeral, will serve for the Wedding.  But. 
How long do you make account to be a Widower sir?  Clo. 
Some half an hour, long enough a conscience.  
Come, come, let's have some agility, is there no Music in the house?  Draw. 
Yes sir, here are sweet wire drawers in the house.  Cook. 
Oh that makes them and you seldom part, you are wine drawers, and they wire drawers.  Tay. 
And both govern by the pegs too.  Clo. 
And you have pipes in your consort too.  Draw. 
And Sackbuts too sir.  But. 
But the Heads of your Instruments differ, yours are Hogsheads their Cittern and Gittern Heads.  Bay. 
All wooden heads there they meet again.  Cook. 
Bid 'em strike up, we'll have a Dance, Gnothoes come thou shalt fool it too.  Clo. 
No dancing with me, we have Siren here.  Cook. 
Siren, 'twas Hiren the fair Greek man.  Clo. 
Five Drachmas of that, I say Siren the fair Greek, and so are all fair Greeks.  Cook. 
A match, five Drachmas her name was Hiren.  Clo. 
Sirens name was Siren for 5. Drachmas.  Cook. 
'tis done.  Tay. 
Take heed what you do Gnothoes.  Clo. 
Do not I know our own Country women Siren and Nell of Greece, two of the fairest greeks that ever were.  Cook. 
That Nell was Helen of Greece too.  Clo. 
As long as she tarried with her Husband she was Ellen, but after she came to Troy she was Nell of Troy, or Bonny Nell Whether you will or no.  Tay. 
Why did she grow shorer when she came to Troy?  Clo. 
She grow longer if you mark the story, when she grew to be an ell she was deeper then any yard of Troy could reach by a quarter: there was Cressid was Troy weighed, and Nell was avoirdupois, she held more by four ounces then Cressida.  Bay. 
They say she caused many wounds to be given in Troy.  Clown 
True, she was wounded there herself, and cured again by Plaster of Paris, and ever since that has been used to stop holes with. Enter Drawer.  Drawer 
Gentlemen if you be disposed to be merry, the Music is ready to strike up, and here's a consort of mad Greeks, I know not whether they be men or women, or between both, they have what you call 'em visards on their faces.  Cook. 
Visard's goodman lickspiggot.  But. 
If they be wise women they may be wizards too.  Draw. 
They desire to enter amongst any merry company of Gentlemen good fellows for a strain or too. Old women.  Cook. 
we'll strain ourselves with 'em say, let 'em come Gnothoes: now for the honour of Epire. Dance.  She dancing with me, we have Siren here. The Dance of old women masked, then offer to take the men, they agree all but Gnothoes: he fits with his Wench after they whisper. Cook. 
I so kind then every one his Wench to his several room: Gnothoes we are all provided now as you are Exeunt each with his wife manet Gnothoes wife unmasked.  Clo. 
I shall have two it seems away I have Siren here already  Wife. 
What a Mermaid?  Clo. 
No but a maid horse face, oh old woman is it you?  Wife. 
Yes 'tis I, all the rest have gulled themselves, and taken their own wives, and shall know that they have done more than they can well answer, but I pray you, Husband what are you doing?  Clo. 
Faith thus should I do if thou wert dead, old Ag. and thou hast not long to live I'm sure, we have Siren 'here.  Wife. 
Art thou so shameless whilst I am living to keep one under my nose.  Clo. 
Noah Ag I do prize her far above thy nose, if thou wouldst lay me both thine eyes in my hand to boot, I'll not leave her, art not ashamed to be seen in a Tavern, and hast scarce a fortnight to live, oh old woman what art thou, must thou find no time to think of thy end?  Wife. 
Oh unkind villain.  Clo. 
And then sweet heart thou shalt have two new gowns, and the best of this old old woman's shall make thee raiments for the working dayes.  Wife. 
Oh rascal dost thou quarter my clothes already too.  Clo. 
Her ruffs will serve thee for nothing but to wash dishes, for thou shalt have nine of the new fashion.  Wife. 
Impudent villain, shameless harlot.  Clo. 
You may hear she never wore any but rails all her life time  Wife. 
Let me come I'll tear the strumpet from him.  Clo. 
dar'st thou call my wife strumpet, thou preterpluperfect tense of a woman, I'll make thee do penance in the sheet thou shalt be buried in, abuse my choice, my two to one.  Wife. 
No unkind villain I'll deceive thee yet,  
I have a reprieve for five years of life,  
I am with child.  Wench. 
Cud so Gnothoes● I'll not tarry so long, five years, I may bury two husbands by that time.  Clo. 
Alas give the poor woman leave to talk, she with child, I with a puppy, as long as I have thee by me, she shall not be with child I warrant thee.  Wife. 
The Law and thou and all shall find I am with child.  Clo. 
I'll take my corporal oath I begat it not, and than thou diest for adultery.  Wife. 
No matter that will ask some time in the proof.  Clo. 
Oh you'd be stoned to death would you, all old women would die a that fashion with all their hearts, but the Law shall overthrow you, the t'other way first.  Wench. 
Indeed if it be so, I will not linger so long Gnothoes.  Clo. 
Away, away, some botcher has got it, 'tis but a cushion I warrant thee, the old woman is loath to depart, she never sung other tune in her life.  Wench. 
we will not have our noses board with a cushion if it be so.  Clo. 
Go, go thy ways thou old Almanac, at the 28. day of December e'en almost out of date, down on thy knees, and make thee ready 〈…〉 some of thy clothes to buy thee a Death's head, and put upon thy middle finger, your least considering Bawds do so much; be not thou worse though thou art an old woman as she is, I am cloyed with oily stock fish, here's a young perch is sweeter meat by half, prithee die before thy day if thou canst, that thou mayst not be counted a witch.  Wife. 
No, thou art a witch and I'll prove it, I said I was with child, thou knewst no other but by sorcery, thou saidst it was a cushion and so it is, thou art a witch for't, I'll be sworn too't.  Clo. 
Ha, ha, ha, I told thee 'twas a cushion, go get thy sheet ready, we'll see thee buried as we go to Church to be married. Ex.  Wife. 
Nay I'll follow thee, and show myself a wife, I'll plague thee as long as I live with thee, and I'll bury some money before I die that my ghost may haunt thee afterward. Exit.  Enter Cleanthes. Clean. 
What's that? oh nothing but the whispering wind,  
Breathes through you churlish hawthorn that grew rude  
As if it chid the gentle breath that kissed it,  
I cannot be too circumspect, too careful  
For in these woods lies hid all my lives treasure,  
Which is too much ever to fear to lose.  Hip. 
Though it be never lost, and if our watchfulness  
Ought to be wise and serious against a thief  
That comes to steal our goods, things all without us,  
That proves vexation often more than comfort,  
How mighty ought our providence to be  
To prevent those? if any such there were  
That come to rob our bosom of our joys,  
That only makes poor man delight to live:  
Psha, i'm too fearful fie, fie, who can hurt me?  
But 'tis a general cowardice that shakes,  
the nerves of confidence, he that hides treasure  
imagines every one thinks of that place  
when 'tis a thing least minded, nay let him change  
the place continually where ere it keeps,  
There will the fear keep still, yonder's the store house Enter Hippolita.  
Of all my comfort now, and see it sends forth  
A dear one, to me, precious chief of women,  
How does the good old soul, has he fed well?  Hip. 
Beshrew me sir he made the heartiest meal today  
Much good mayt do his health.  Clean 
A blessing on them,  
Both for thy news and wish.  Eip. 
His stomach sir  
Is bettered wondrously since his concealment.  Clean. 
Heaven has a blessed work in't, come we're safe here  
I prithee call him forth, the airs much wholesomer.  Hip. 
Father,  
How sweetly sounds the voice of a good woman? Ent. Leonides.  
It is so seldom heard that when it speaks  
It ravishes all fences.  Clean. 
Lifts of honour,  
i've a joy weeps to see you, 'tis so full  
So fairly fruitful,  
I hope to see you often and return,  
Loaden with blessings, still to pour on some.  
I find 'em all in my contented peace,  
And lose not one in thousands, theyare dispersed  
So gloriously I know not which are brightest  
I find 'em as Angels are found by legions;  
First in the love and honesty of a wife,  
Which is the first and chiefest of all temporal blessings,  
Next in yourself, which is the hope and joy  
Of all any actions, my affairs, my wishes,  
And lastly which crown all, I find my soul  
Crowned with the peace of 'em, th'eternal riches  
man's only portion, for his heavenly marriage.  Leo. 
Rise thou art all obedience, love and goodness,  
I dare say that which thousand fathers cannot.  
And that's my precious comfort, never son  
Was in the way more of celestial rising,  
Thou art so made of such ascending virtue  
That all the powers of hell cannot sink thee. A Horne.  Clean. 
Ha.  Leo. 
What was't disturbed my joy?  
Clean Did you not hear,  
As afar off?  Leo. 
What my excellent consort. Clean. Nor you.  Hip. 
I heard a— A Horn.  Clean. 
Hark again.  Leo. 
Bless my joy,  
What ails it on a sudden?  Clean. 
Now since lately.  Leo. 
'tis nothing but a symptom of thy care man.  Clean. 
Alas you do not hear well.  Leo. 
What was't daughter?  Hip. 
I heard a sound twice. A Horn.  Clean. 
Hark, louder and nearer:  
In for the precious good of virtue, quick sir.  
Lowder and nearer yet, at hand at hand;  
A hunting here 'tis strange, I never  
Knew game followed in these woods before.  Enter Duke, Simonides, Courtiers, and Executioner. Hip. 
Now let 'em come and spare not.  Clean. 
Ha, 'tis, is't not the Duke, look sparingly?  Hip. 
'tis her but what of that, alas take heed sir,  
Your care will overthrow us.  Clean. 
Come. it shall not,  
Let's set a pleasant face upon our fears,  
Though our hearts shake with horror, ha, ha, ha.  Duke. 
Hark.  Clean. 
Prithee proceed,  
I'm taken with these light things infinitely,  
Since the old man's decease; ha so they parted, ha, ha. ha.  Duk. 
Why how should I believe this, look, he's merry  
As if he had no such charge? one with that care  
Could never be so still, he holds his temper,  
And 'tis the same still with no difference  
He brought his father's Corpse toth' grave with,  
He laughed thus then you know.  1. Cour. 
ay, he may laugh my Lord;  
That shows but how he glories in his cunning,  
And perhaps done more to advance his wit,  
Than to express affection to his father,  
That only he his over reached the Law.  Sim. 
He tells you right, my Lord, his own x germane  
Revealed it first to me, a free tongued woman,  
And very excellent at telling secrets.  Duk. 
If a contempt can be so neatly carried,  
It gives me cause of wonder.  Sim. 
troth my Lord,  
'twill prove a delicate cozening, I believe:  
I'd have no Scrivener offer to come near it.  Duk. 
Cleanthes.  Clean. 
My loved Lord.  Duk. 
Not moved a whit,  
Constant to lightning still, 'tis strange to meet you  
Upon a ground so unfrequented sir:  
This does not fit your passion, your for mirth  
Or I mistake you much.  Clean. 
But finding it  
Grow to a noted imperfection in me,  
For any thing too much is vicious;  
I come to these disconsolate walks, of purpose  
Only to dull and take away the edge on't.  
I ever had a greater zeal to sadness,  
A natural proportion, I confess my Lord  
Before that cheerful accident fell out,  
If I may call a father's funeral cheerful  
Without wrong done to duty or my love.  Du. 
It seems then you take pleasure i'these walks sir.  Clean. 
Contemplative content I do my Lord  
They bring into my mind oft meditations  
so sweetly precious, that in the parting  
I find shower of grace upon my cheeks,  
They take their leave so feelingly.  Duk. 
So sir.  Clean. 
Which is a kind of grave delight my Lord.  Duk. 
And i've small cause Cleanthes t'afford you the lest delight that has a name.  Clean. 
My Lord.  Sim. 
Now it begins to fadge.  1. Cour. 
Peace thou art so greedy Sim.  Duk. 
In your excess of joy you have expressed  
your rancour and contempt against my Law:  
your smiles deserve fining, you've professed  
Derision openly e'en to my face,  
Which might be death a little more incensed  
You do not come for any freedom here  
But for a project of your own,  
But all that known to be contentful to thee,  
Shall in the use prove deadly, your lives mine  
If ever thy presumption do but lead thee  
Into these walks again, for that woman  
I'll have 'em watched a purpose.  1. Cour. 
Now now, his colour ebbs and flows.  Sim. 
Mark hers too.  Hip. 
Oh who shall bring food to the poor old man now,  
Speak somewhat good sir or we're lost for ever?  Clean. 
Oh you did wondrous ill to call me again,  
There are not words to help us if I entreat  
'tis found, that will betray us worse than silence  
Prithee let Heaven alone, and let's say nothing.  1. Cour. 
Y'ave struck 'em dumb my Lord.  Sim. 
Look how guilt looks.  
I would not have that fear upon my flesh  
To save ten fathers.  Clean. 
He is safe still, is he not?  Hip. 
Oh you do ill to doubt it.  Clean. 
thouart all goodness.  Sim. 
Now does your grace believe?  Duke. 
'tis too apparent  
Search, make a speedy search, for the imposture  
Cannot be far off by the fear it sends.  Clean. 
Ha.  Sim. 
Has the Lapwings cunning, i'm afraid my Lord  
That cries most when she's farthest from the nest.  Clean. 
Oh we're betrayed.  Hip. 
Betrayed sir.  Sim. 
See my Lord,  
It comes out more and more still. Exeunt Courtiers & Sim.  Clean. 
Bloody thief,  
Come from that place, 'tis sacred-homicide,  
'tis not for thy adulterate hands to touch it.  Hip. 
Oh miserable virtue, what distress art thou in at this minute?  Clean. 
Help me thunder  
For my powers lost, Angels shoot plagues and help me:  
Why are these men in health and I so heart sick?  
Or why should nature have that power in me  
To levy up a thousand bleeding sorrows  
And not one comfort, only makes me lie  
Like the poor mockery of an Earthquake here?  
Panting with horror, and have not so much force in all my vengeance.  
To shake a villain off a me.  Enter Courtiers Simonides, Leonides. Hip. 
Use him gently and Heaven will love you for't.  Clean. 
Father, oh Father now I see thee full  
In thy affection, thou'rt a man of sorrow  
But reverently becomest it, that's my comfort.  
Extremity was never better graced  
Then with that look of thine, oh let me look still  
For I shall lose it, all my joy and strength  
Is e'en Eclipsed together, I transgressed  
Your Law my Lord, let me receive the sting on't  
Be once just sir, and let the offender die  
he's innocent in all, and I am guilty.  Leo. 
Your grace knows when affection only speaks  
Truth is not always there, his love would draw  
An undeserved misery on his youth,  
And wrong a peace resolved, on both parts sinful;  
'tis, I am guilty of my own concealment  
And like a worldly coward injured heaven  
With fear to go too't, now I see my fault,  
And am prepared with joy to suffer for't.  Duke. 
Go give him quick dispatch, let him see death  
And your presumption sir shall come to judgement. Exeunt with Leonides.  Hip. 
he's going, oh he's gone sir.  Clean. 
Let me rise.  Hip. 
Why do you not then, and follow?  Clean. 
I strive for't  
Is their no hand of pity that will ease me  
And take this villain from my heart a while?  Hip. 
Alas he's gone.  Clean. 
A worse supplies his place then,  
A weight more ponderous, I cannot follow.  Hip. 
Oh misery of affliction.  Clean. 
They will stay  
Till I can come, they must be so good ever  
Though they be ne'er so cruel,  
My last leave must be take think a that,  
And this last blessing given, I will not lose  
That for a thousand consorts.  Hip. 
That hopes wretched.  Clean. 
The inutterable stings of fortune,  
All griefs are to be borne, save this alone;  
This like a headlong torrent over turns the frame of nature,  
For he that gives us life first, as a father,  
Locks all his natural sufferings in our blood, to  
The sorrows that he feels, are our heads,  
They are incorporate to us.  Hip. 
Noble sir.  Clean. 
Let me behold him well.  Hip. 
Sir.  Clean. 
Thou shouldst be good,  
Or thou'rt a dangerous substance to be lodged  
So near the heart of man.  Hip. 
What means this, dear sir?  Clean. 
To thy trust only was this blessed secret  
Kindly committed, 'tis destroyed, thou seest  
What follows to be thought on't.  Hip. 
Miserable;  
Why here's th'unhappiness of woman still,  
That having forfeited in old times their trust Enter Eugenia.  
Now makes their faiths suspected that are just.  Clean. 
What shall I say to all my sorrows then,  
That look for satisfaction?  Eug. 
Ha, ha, ha, Cousin  Clean. 
How ill dost thou become this time?  Eug. 
Ha. ha, ha.  
Why that's but your opinion, a young wench  
Becomes the time at all times.  Eug. 
Now coz we're even, and you be remembered  
You left a Strumpet and a whore at home with me,  
And such fine field bed words, which could not cost you  
Less than a father.  Clean. 
Is it come that way?  Eug. 
Had you an Uncle  
He should go the same way too.  Clean. 
Oh eternity  
What monster is this fiend in labour with?  Eug. 
An ass colt with two heads, that's she and you:  
I will not lose so glorious a revenge.  
Not to be understood in't: I betray him,  
And now we're even, you'd best keep you so.  Clean. 
Is there not poison yet enough to kill me?  Hip. 
Oh sir, forgive me, it was I betrayed him.  Clean. 
How?  Hip. 
I.  Clean. 
The fellow of my heart 'twill speed me then.  Hip. 
Her tears that never wept, and mine own pity  
e'en cozened me together; and stole from me  
This secret, which fierce death should not have purchased.  Clean. 
Nay then we're at an end, all we are false ones,  
And aught to suffer, I was false to wisdom  
In trusting woman, thou wert false to faith  
In uttering of the secret, and thou false  
To goodness in deceiving such a pity:  
We are all tainted some way but thou worst,  
And for thy infectious spots ought to die first.  Eug. 
Pray turn your weapon sir upon your Mistress,  
I come not so ill friended; rescue servants.  Enter Simonides, and Courtiers. Clean. 
Are you so whorishly provided?  Sim. 
Yes sir she has more weapons at command then one.  Eug. 
Put forward man, thou art most sure to have me.  Sim. 
I shall be surer if I keep behind though.  Eug. 
Now servants show your loves.  Sim. 
I'll show my love too a far off.  Eug. 
I love to be so courted, woe me there.  Sim. 
I love to keep good weapons though ne'er fought  
I'm sharper set within then I am without.  Hip. 
Oh Gentlemen Cleanthes.  Eug. 
Fight, upon him.  Hip. 
Thy thirst of blood proclaims thee now a Strumpet.  Eug. 
'tis dainty, next to procreation fitting,  
I'd either be destroying men or getting. Enter Officers  1. Officer. 
Forbear on your allegiance gentlemen  
he's the Duke's Prisoner, and we seize upon him  
To answer this contempt against the Law.  Clean. 
I obey Fate in all things.  Hip. 
Happy rescue.  Sim. 
I would you'd seized upon him a minute sooner, 't'ad saved me a cut finger, I wonder how I came by't, for I never put my hand forth i'm sure, I think my own sword did cut it if truth were known; may be the wire in the handle, I have lived these five and twenty years and never knew what colour my blood was before I never durst eat Oysters, nor cut peck loaves.  Eug. 
You have shown your spirits gentlemen, but you  
Have cut your finger.  Sim. 
I the wedding finger too, a pox on't.  1. Cour. 
You'll prove a bawdy bachelor Sim, to have a cut upon your finger, before you are married.  Sim. 
I'll never draw sword again to have such  
A jest put upon me. Exeunt  
Finis Actus Quarti.   

Act. V. Scen. I.  Sword and Mace carried before them. Enter Simonides, and the Courtiers. Sim. 
BE ready with your Prisoner, we'll sit instantly and rise before leaven, or when we please: Shall we not follow judges?  Cour. 
'tis committed  
All to our power, censure and pleasure, now  
The Duke hath made us chief Lords of this Sessions,  
And we may speak by fits, or sleep by turns.  Sim. 
Leave that to us, but whatsoe'er we do  
The Prisoner shall be sure to be condemned,  
Sleeping or waking we are resolved on that  
Before we set upon him. Eugenia.  2. Cour. 
Make you question  
If not Cleanthes and one enemy  
Nay a concealer of his father too.  
A vild example in these days of youth.  Sim. 
If they were given to follow such examples  
But sure I think they are not, howsoe'er  
'Twas wickedly attempted, that's my judgement,  
And it shall pass whilst I am in power to sit,  
Never by Prince were such young judges made,  
But now the cause requires it, if you mark it  
He must make young or none, for all the old ones  
Her father he hath sent a fishing, and my father's one,  
I humbly thank his Highness. Enter Eugenia  1. Cour. 
Widows?  Eug. 
You almost hit my name, no Gentlemen  
You come so wondrous near it I admire you  
For your Judgement.  Sim. 
My wife that must be she.  Eug. 
My husband goes upon his last hour now.  1. Cour. 
On his last legs I am sure.  Eug. 
September the seventeenth  
I will not bate an hour on't, and tomorrow  
His latest hours expired.  2. Cour. 
Bring him to judgement,  
The juries paneled and the verdict given  
Ever he appears we have ta'en course for that.  Sim. 
And Officers to attach the grey young man,  
The youth of fourscore be of comfort Lady:  
We shall no longer bosom January:  
For that I will take order, and provide  
For you a lusty April. Lisander and Guardian.  Eug. 
The month that ought indeed  
To go before May.  1. Cour. 
Do as we have said,  
Take a strong guard and bring him into Court,  
Lady Eugenia see this charge performed  
That having his life forfeited by the Law  
He may relieve his soul.  Eug. 
Willingly  
From shaven chins never came better Justice  
Than these new touched by reason.  Sim. 
What you do  
Do suddenly we charge you, for we purpose to make but a short  
Sessions, a new business Enter Hippolita.  1. Cour. 
The fair Hippolita, now what's your suits?  Hip. 
Alas I know not how to style you yet,  
To call you judges doth not suit your years  
Nor heads and brains show more antiquity,  
Yet sway yourselves with equity and truth  
And I'll proclaim you reverent, and repeat  
Once in my life time I have seen grave heads  
Placed upon young men's shoulders.  2. Cour. 
Hark she flouts us,  
And thinks to make us monstrous.  Hip 
Prove not so,  
For yet methinks you bear the shapes of men.  
Though nothing more than merely beautifeaus  
To make you appear Angels, but if Crimson  
Your name and power with blood and cruelty,  
Suppress fair virtue and enlarge of old vice,  
Both against Heaven and Nature, draw your sword  
Make either will or humour turn the soul  
Of your created greatness, and in that  
Oppose all goodness. I must tell you there  
You're more than monstrous, in the very act,  
You change yourself to Devils.  1. Cour. 
she's a witch  
hark she begins to conjure.  Sim. 
Time you see  
Is short much business now on foot, shall I  
Give her her answer?  2. Cour. 
None upon the Bench  
More learnedly can do it.  Sim. 
He, he, hem, then list  
I wonder at thine impudence young housewife  
That thou dar'st plead for such a base offender,  
Conceal a father past his time to die:  
What son and heir would have done this but he?  1. Cour. 
I vow not I.  Hip. 
Because ye are parricides  
And how can comfort be derived from such  
That pity not their fathers?  2. Cour. 
You are fresh and fair, practise young women's ends when husbands are distressed provide them friends.  Sim. 
I'll set him forward fee thee  
Some wives would pay for such a courtesy. without fee.  Hip. 
Times of amazement what duty goodness dwell,  
I sought for charity but knock at Hell. Exit.  Enter Eugenia, with Lisander Prisoner, a Guard. Simonides. 
Eugenia come.  
Command a second guard  
To bring Cleanthes in we'll not sit long.  
My stomach strives to dinner.  Eug. 
Now servants may a Lady be so bold  
To call your power so low?  Sim. 
A Mistress may,  
She can make all things low, then in that language  
There can be no offence.  Eug. 
The times now come  
Of manumissions take him into bonds,  
And I am then at freedom.  2. Cour. 
This the man,  
He hath left of late to feed on snakes,  
His beards turned white again  1. Court. 
Is't possible these gouty legs danced lately,  
And shattered in a galliard?  Eug. 
Jealousy,  
And fear of death can work strange prodigies.  2. Cour. 
The nimble Fencer this that made me tear  
And traverse 'bout the Chamber.  Sim. 
I and gave me  
Those elbow Healths the hangman take him for't:  
They had almost fetched my heart out, the Dutch Veny  
I swallowed pretty well, but the half pike  
Had almost prepared me but had I took  
Being swollen I had cast my Lungs out. flourish.  Duk. 
A flemish Enter the Duke.  2. Cour. 
Peace the Duke.  
Nay bathe your seats, whose's that?  Duk. 
May't please your Highness  Sim. 
'tis old Lisander.  Duk. 
And brought in by his wife a worthy precedent  
Of one that no way would offend the Law.  
And should not pass away without remark,  
You have been looked for long.  Lis. 
But never fit  
To die till now my Lord, my sins and I  
Have been but newly parted, much ado  
I had to get them leave me, or be taught  
That difficult lesson how to learn to die.  
I never thought there had been such an act  
And 'tis the only discipline we are borne for  
All studies as are, are but as circular lines  
And death the centre where they must all meet.  
I now can look upon thee erring woman  
And not be vexed with jealousy, on young men,  
And no way envy their delicious health,  
pleasure and strength, all which were once mine own  
And mine must be theirs one day.  Duk. 
You have tamed him  Sim. 
And know how to dispose him that my Liege  
Hath been before determined, you confess  
yourself of full age.  Lis. 
Yes and prepared to inherit  Hip. 
Your place above— Duke— away to death with him  Sim. 
Of which the hangman's strength Cleanthes Guard.  
Shall put him in possession, 'tis still guard  
To take me willing and in mind to die.  
And such are when the earth grows weary of them  
Most fit for heaven, the Court shall make his Mittimus  
And send him thither presently i'th' mean time.  Enter a Guard with Cleanthes, Hippollita weeping after him. 
So see another person brought to the Barr.  1. Cour. 
The arch Malefactor.  2. Cour. 
The grand offenders the most refractory  
To call good orders, 'tis Cleanthes,  
He.  Sim. 
That would have sons grave fathers ere their fathers  
Be sent unto their graves.  Duk. 
There will be expectation  
In your severe pooceedings against him;  
His act being so Capital.  Sim. 
Fearful and bloody,  
Therefore we charge these women leave the Court  
Lest they should stand to hear it.  Eug. 
I in expectation  
Of a most happy freedom. Exit.  Hip. 
I with the apprehension  
Of a most sad and desolate widow hood. Exit.  1. Cour. 
We bring him to the Bar.  2. Cour. 
Hold up your hand sir.  Clean. 
More reverence to the place then to the persons  
To the one I offer up a palm  
Of duty and obedience showed us to heaven,  
Imploring justice which was never wanting  
Upon that Bench whilst their own fathers sat:  
But unto you, my hands contracted thus,  
As threatening vengeance against murderers,  
For they that kill in thought shed innocent blood  
With pardon to your highness too much passion  
Made me forget your presence and the place,  
I now am called too.  Duk. 
All one Majesty  
And Power we have to pardon or condemn  
Is now conferred on them.  Sim. 
And these we'll use  
Little to thine advantage.  Clean. 
I expect it  
And as to these I look no mercy from  
And much less shown to entreat it, I thus now  
Submit me the Emblems of your power I mean  
The Sword and Bench but my most reverend judges  
Ere you proceed to sentence, for I know  
You have given me lost, will you resolve me one thing?  1. Cour. 
So it be briefly questioned.  2. Cour. 
Show your honour,  
Day spends itself apace.  Clean. 
My Lords it shall  
Resolve me then where are your filial tears  
Your mourning habits and sad hearts become.  
That should attend your father's funeral  
Though the strict Law which I will not accuse  
Because a subject snatched away their lives  
It doth not bar them to lament their deaths  
Or if you cannot spare one sad suspire  
It doth not bid you laugh them to their graves  
Lay subtle trains to antedate their years,  
To be the sooner ceased of their estates.  
Oh time of age where's that Aeneas now  
Who letting all his Jewels to the flames.  
Forgetting country kindred treasure friends  
Fortunes and all things save the name of son  
Which you so much forget, go like Aeneas  
Who took his bedrid father on his back  
And with that sacred load (to him no burden)  
Hewed out his way through blood, through fire, through  
Even all the armed streets of bright burning Troy,  
Only to save a father.  Sim. 
We have no leisure now  
To hear lessons read from Virgil, we are past school,  
And all this time thy judges.  2. Cour. 
'tis fit,  
That we proceed to sentence.  1. Cour. 
You are the mouth  
And now 'tis fit to open.  Sim. 
Justice indeed  
Should ever be close eared, and open mouthed  
That is to hear him little, and speak much  
Low then Cleanthes there is none can be  
A good son and a bad subject, for if Princes  
Be called the people's fathers than the subjects  
Are all his sons, and he that flouts the Prince  
Doth disobey his father, there year gone.  1. Cour. 
And not to be recovered.  Sim. 
And again.  2. Cour. 
If he be gone once call him not again.  Sim. 
I say again this act of thine expresses  
A double disobedience, as our Princes  
Are fathers, so they are our sovereigns too,  
And he that doth rebel against sovereignty  
Doth commit treason in the height of degree  
And now thou art quite gone.  1. Cour. 
Our brother in commission  
Hath spoke his mind both learnedly and neatly,  
And I can add but little, howsoever  
It shall send him packing.  
He that begins a fault that wants example  
Ought to be made example for the fault.  Clean. 
A fault no longer can I hold myself  
To hear vice upheld and virtue thrown down,  
A fault judge then, I desire where it lieth  
In those that are my judges or in me  
Heaven stand on my side pity love and duty.  Sim. 
Where are they sir who sees them but yourself.  Clean. 
Not you, and I am sure,  
You never had the gracious eyes to see them,  
You think you arraign me, but I hope  
To sentence you at the Bar.  2. Cour. 
That would show brave.  Clean. 
This were the judgement seat, we now  
The heaviest crimes that ever made up  
Unnaturalness in humanity,  
You are found foul and guilty by a Jury  
Made of your father's curses, which have brought  
Vengeance impending on you, and I now  
Am forced to pronounce judgement on my judges.  
The common Laws of reason and of nature  
Condemn you ipso facto, you are parricides,  
And if you marry will beget the liar  
Who when you're grown to full maturity  
Will hurry you their fathers to their graves;  
Like Traitors you take counsel from the living  
Of upright judgement, you would rob the Bench:  
Experience and discretion snatched away  
From the earth's face, turn all into disorder,  
Imprison virtue, and enfranchise vice,  
And put the Sword of justice into the hands of  
Boys and mad men.  Sim. 
Well, well have you done sir?  Clean. 
I have spoke my thoughts.  Sim. 
Then I'll begin and end.  Duk. 
'tis time I now begin,  
Where your commission ends,  
Cleanthes you come from the Bar  
Because I know you're severally disposed;  
I here invite you to an object will no doubt Recorders. Old men.  
Work in you contrary effects.  
Music.  Music, Sons and the old men appear. Clean. 
Pray Heaven I dream not, sure he moves, talks comfortably, as joy can wish a man, if he be changed  
Far above from me, he is not ill intreated  
His face doth promise fullness of content  
And glory hath a part in't.  Leo. 
Oh my son.  Duk. 
You that can claim acquaintance with these lads  
Talk freely.  Sim. 
I can see none there that's worth one hand to you from me.  Duk. 
These are thy judges and by their grave Law  
I find thee clear, but these Delinquents guilty:  
You must change places for 'tis so decreed  
Such just pre-eminence hath thy goodness gained  
Thou art the judge now, they the men arraigned.  1. Cour. 
here's fine dancing Gentlemen.  2. Cour. 
Is thy father amongst them?  Clean. 
Oh a Pox I saw him the first thing I looked on  
Alive again, slight I believe now a father  
Hath as many lives as a mother.  Sim. 
'tis full as blessed as 'tis wonderful  
Oh bring me back to the same law again  
I am fouler than all these, cease on me Officers  
And bring me to new sentence.  Clean. 
What's all this?  
A fault not to be pardoned  
unnaturalness is but sun's shadow to it.  Sim. 
I am glad of that, I hope the case may alter  
And I turn judge again.  Duk. 
Name your offence.  Clean. 
That I should be so vild  
As once to think you cruel.  Duke 
Is that all?  
'Twas pardoned ere confessed, you that have sons  
If they be worthy hear my challenge then.  Cle. 
I should have one amongst them had he had grace  
To have retained that name.  Sim 
I pray you Father. Kneels.  Cle. 
That name I know  
Hath been long since forgot.  Sim. 
I find but small comfort in remembering it now.  Duk. 
Cleanthes take your places with these grave father  
And read what in that table is inscribed  
Now set these at the Bar.  
And read Cleanthes to the dread and terror  
Of disobedience and unnatural blood.  Clean. 
It is decreed by the grave and learned  
Counsel of Epire, that no son and heir  
Shall be held capable of his inheritance  
At the age of one and twenty, unless he be at that time  
As nature in obedience, manners and goodness.  Sim. 
Sure I shall never be at full age then,  
though I live to an hundred years, and that's nearer by twenty,  
then the last Statute allowed.  1. Cour. 
A terrible act.  
Moreover is enacted that all sons aforesaid, whom either this Law for their live grace, whom it shall reduce into the true method of duty, virtues and affection; and relate their trial and approbation from Cleanthes the Son of Leonides— from me my Lord.  Duk. 
From none but you as fullest, proceed sir.  Clean. 
Whom for his manifest virtues, we make such judge and censure of youth and the absolute reference of life and manners.  Sim. 
This is a brave world, when a man should be  
Selling Land he must be learning manners,  
Is't not my Masters? Eugenia.  Enter Eugenia. Eug. 
What's here to do, my suitors at the Bar  
The old bawd shines again, oh miserable! She sounds.  Duk. 
Read the Law over to her 'twill awake her  
'tis one deserves small pity.  Clean. 
last it is ordained that all such wives now whatsoever that shall design the husband's death to be soon rid of them and entertain suitors in their husband's life time.  Sim. 
You had best read that a little louder.  
For if any thing that will bring her to herself again, and find her tongue.  Clean. 
Shall not presume on the penalty of our heavy displeasure to marry within ten years after.  Eug. 
That laws too long by nine years and a half.  
I'll take my death upon't, so shall most women.  Clean. 
And those incontinent women so offending  
To be judge and censured by Hippolita,  
Wife to Cleanthes. Hippolita.  Eug. 
Of all the rest I'll not be judge by her. Enter Hip.  Clean. 
Ah here she comes, let me prevent thy joys, prevent them but in part and hide the rest, thou hast not strength enough to bear them else.  Hip. 
Leonides. she faints.  Clean. 
I feared it all this while.  
I knew it was past thy power Hippolita,  
What contrariety is in women's blood?  
One faints for spleen and anger, she for grace.  Duk. 
Of Sons and Wives we see the worst and best,  
My future ages yield Hippolitas  
Many, but few like thee Eugenia.  
Let no Simonides henceforth have a fame  
But all blessed sons live in Cleanthes' name Music.  
Ha what strange kind of melody was that?  
Yet give it entrance whatsoever it be. Music  
This day is all devout to liberty.  Clo. etc. Enter Music one carrying a Bride cake, the Clown, the rest with them old Women. Enter Clown, and Wench, the rest with the old women, the Clowns wife, Music, and a Bride Cake to the wedding. Clo. 
fiddlers crowd on, crowd on, let no man lay a block in your way, crowd on I say.  Duk. 
Stay the crowd a while, let's know the reason  
Of this jollity.  Clean. 
Sirrah do you know where you are?  Clo. 
Yes sir, I am here, now here, and now here again sir.  Ais. 
Your hats too high crowned the Duke in presence.  Clo. 
The Duke (as he is my Sovereign) I do give him two Crowns for it, and that's equal change all the would over, as I am Lord of the day (being my marriage day the second) I do advance-bonnet crowd on a fore.  Leon. 
Good sir a few words if you'll vouchsafe 'em  
Or will you be forced?  Clo. 
Forced, I would the Duke himself would say so.  Duk. 
I think he dares sir, and does, if you stay not  
You shall be forced.  Clo. 
I think so my Lord, and good reason too, shall not I stay when your grace says I shall, I were unworthy to be a Bridegroom in any part of your highness' Dominions then, will it please you to taste of the wedlock courtesy?  Duke. 
Oh by no means sir, you shall not deface  
So fair an ornament for me.  Clo. 
If your grace please to be cacated say so.  Clo. 
And which might be your fair Bride sir?  Clo. 
This is my two for one that must be uxor uxoris,  
The remedy doloris, and the very syceum Amoris.  Duk. 
And hast thou any else?  Clo. 
I have an older my Lord for other uses.  Cle. 
My Lord I do observe a strange decorum here  
These that do lead this day of jollity  
Do march with Music and most mirthful cheeks  
Those that do follow sad, and woefully  
Nearer the haviour of a funeral  
Than a wedding.  Duk. 
'tis true, pray expound that sir.  Clown 
As the destiny of the day falls out my Lord, one goes out to weddings, another goes to hanging; and your Grace, in the due consideration shall find 'em much alike, the one hath the ring upon her finger, the other a halter about her neck.  
I take thee Beatrice says the Bridegroom, I take thee Agatha says the hangman, and both say together to have and to hold till death do part us.  Duk. 
this is not yet plain enough to my understanding.  Clo. 
If further your Grace examine it, you shall find I show myself a dutiful subject and obedient to the Law, myself (with these my good friends, and your good subjects) our old wives whose days are ripe, and their lives forfeit to the Law only myself more forward than the rest, am already provided of my second choice.  Duk. 
Oh take heed sir, you'll run yourself into danger,  
If the Law finds you with two wives at once  
There's a shrewd premunire.  Clo. 
I have taken leave of the old my Lord. I have nothing to say to her, she's going to Sea, your Grace knows whether better than I do, she has a strong wind with her, it stands full in her poop when you please let her disembogue.  Cook. 
And the rest of her neighbours with her whom we present to the satisfaction of your highness' Law.  Clo. 
And so we take our leaves and leave them to your Highness, crowd on.  Duk. 
Stay. stay, you are too forward, will you marry?  
And your wife yer living.  Clo. 
Alas she'll be dead before we can get to Church, if your Grace would set her in the way, I would dispatch her, I have a venture on't, which would return me, if your Highness would make a little more haste two for one.  Duk. 
Come my Lords we must sit again, here's a Case  
Craves a most serious censure.  Cook. 
Now they shall be dispatched out of the way.  Clo. 
I would they were gone once, the time goes away.  Duk. 
Which is the wife unto the forward Bridegroom?  Wife. 
I am and it please your grace.  Duk. 
Trust me a lusty woman, able bodied  
And well blooded cheeks.  Clo. 
Oh she paints my Lord, she was a Chamber Maid once, and learned it of her Lady.  Duk. 
Sure I think she cannot be so old.  Wife. 
Truly I think so too, and please your grace.  Clo. 
Two to one with your grace of that, she's threescore by the Book.  Leo. 
Peace sirrah you're too loud.  Cook. 
Take heed Gnothoes if you move the Duke's patience, 'tis an edge tool but a word and a blow, he cuts off your head.  Clo. 
Cut off my head, away ignorant, he knows it cost more in the hair, he does not use to cut off many such heads as mine, I will talk to him to, it he cut off my head, I'll give him my ears, I say my wife is at full age for the Law, the clerk shall take his oath and the Church Book shall be sworn too.  Duk. 
My Lords, I leave this sensure to you  Leo. 
Then first this fellow does deserve punishment  
For offering up a lusty able woman  
Which may do service to the commonwealth,  
Where the Law craves one impotent and useless.  Creon, 
Therefore to be severely punished  
For thus attempting a second marriage  
His wife yet living.  Lis. 
Nay to have it trebled  
That even the day and instant when he should mourn  
As a kind husband to her funeral,  
He leads a triumph to the scorn of it  
Which unseasonable joy ought to be punished  
With all severity.  But. 
The fiddles will be in a foul case too by and by.  Leo. 
Nay further it seems he has a venture  
Of two for one at his second marriage  
Which cannot be but a conspiracy  
Against the former.  Clo. 
A mess of wise old men.  Lis. 
Sirrah what can you answer to all these?  Clo. 
You're good old men and talk as age will give you leave; I would speak with the youthful Duke himself, he and I may speak of things that shall be 30 or 40 years after you are dead and rotten, alas you are here today and gone to Sea tomorrow.  Duk. 
Intruth sir then I must be plain with you  
The Law that should take away your old wife from you  
The which I do perceive was your desire,  
Is void and frustrated so for the rest,  
There has been since another parliament  
Has cut it off.  Clo. 
I see your grace is disposed to be pleasant.  Duk. 
Yes you might perceive that, I had not else  
Thus dallied with your follies.  Clo. 
I'll talk further with your grace when I come  
Back from Church, in the mean time you know what to do  
With the old woman.  Duk. 
Stay sir unless in the mean time you mean  
I cause a Jibber to be set up in your way  
and hand you at your return.  Wise. 
Oh gracious Prince.  Duke 
Your old wives cannot die today by any  
Law of mine, for aught I can say too 'em  
They may by a new edict bury you,  
and then perhaps you pay a new fine too.  Clo. 
This is fine indeed.  Wife. 
Oh Gracious Prince may he live a hundred years more.  Cook 
Your venture is not like to come in today Gnothoes.  Clo. 
Give me the principal back.  Cook, 
Nay by my troath we'll venture still, and i'm sure we have as ill a venture of it as you, for we have taken old wives of purpose, where that we had thought to have put away at this market, and now we cannot utter a pennyworth.  Duke. 
Well sirrah you were best to discharge  
Your new charge and take your old one to you.  Clo. 
Oh Music, no music, but prove most doleful Trumpets,  
Oh Bride no Bride, but thou must prove a Strumpet,  
Oh venture, no venture, I have for one now none,  
Oh wife, thy life is saved when I hope t'had been gone,  
Case up your fruitless strings. no penny no wedding,  
Case up thy Maiden head, no Priest no bedding,  
Avant my venture it can ne'er be restored,  
Till Agg my old wife be thrown over board,  
Then come again old Agg since it must be so,  
Let Bride, and venture with woeful Music go.  Cook. 
What for the Bride cake Gnothoes?  Clo. 
Let it be mouldy now 'tis out of season,  
Let it grow out of date currant and reason,  
Let it be chipped and chopped and given to chickens  
No more is got by that, than William Dickins  
Got by his wooden dishes.  
Put up your plums as fiddlers put up pipes,  
The Wedding dashed the Bridegroom  
Weeps and wipes.  
fiddler's farewell and now without perhaps,  
Put up your Fiddles as you put up scraps.  Lis. 
This passion has given some satisfaction yet,  
My Lord I think you'll pardon him now,  
Withal the rest so they live honestly  
With the wives they have.  Duke. 
Oh most freely, free pardon to all.  Cook. 
I we have deserved our pardons if we can live honestly with such reverent wives that have no motion in 'em but their tongues.  Wife. 
Heaven bless your Grace, you're a just Prince.  Clo. 
All hopes dashed, the Clarks duties lost, Venture gone, my second wife divorced, and which is worst the old one come back again.  
Such Voyages are made now adays, I will weep too salt  
Of our nose, besides these two fountains of fresh water,  
Your grace had been more kind to your young subjects.  
Heaven bless, and mend your Lawes, that they do  
Not gull your poor Country men: fashion, but I am not  
The first by forty that his been undone by the Law,  
'tis but a folly to stand upon Terms,  
I take my leave of your Grace, as well as mine eyes will give me leave, I would they had been asleep in their beds when they opened 'em to see this day: come Agg, come Agg.  Creon 
Were not you all my servants?  Cook. 
During your life as we thought sir, but our young Master turned us away.  Creon. 
How headlong villain wert thou in thy ruin?  Sim. 
I followed the fashion sir as other young men did,  
If you have as we thought you had been  
We should ne'er have come for this I warrant you,  
We did not feed after the old fashion on Beef  
And Mutton and such like.  Creon. 
Well what damage or charge you have run  
yourselves into by marriage, I cannot help  
Nor deliver you from your wives, them you must keep  
yourselves shall again retain to me.  Om. 
We thank your Lordship for your love, and must thank ourselves for our bad bargains.  Duk. 
Cleanthes You delay the power of Law,  
To be inflicted on these misgoverned men,  
That filial duty have so far transgressed.  Clean 
My Lord I see a satisfaction  
Meeting the sentence, even preventing it  
Beating my words back in their utterance  
See sir there's salt sorrow bringing forth fresh  
And new duties (as the sea propagate)  
The Elephants have found their joints too, why  
Here's humility able to bind up  
The punishing hands of the severest masters  
Much more the gentle fathers.  Sim. 
I had ne'er thought to have been brought so low as my knees again, but since there's no remedy, fathers, reverent fathers, as you ever hope to have good sons and heirs, a handful of pity we confess we have deserved more than we are willing to receive at your hands, though sons can never deserve too much of their fathers as shall appear afterwards.  Creon 
And what way can you decline your feeding now?  
You cannot retire to Beeves and Muttons sure.  Sim. 
Alas sir you see a good pattern for that, now we have laid by our high and lusty meats, and are down to our many bones already.  Creon. 
Well sir rise to vertues we'll bound you now,  
You that were too weak yourselves to govern,  
By others shall be governed.  Lis. 
Cleanthes,  
I meet your Justice with reconcilement  
If there be tears of faith in woman's breast  
I have received a myriad which confirms me  
To find a happy renovation.  Clean. 
here's virtue's Throne  
Which I'll embellish with my dearest Jewels  
Of Love and Faith, Peace and Affection,  
This is the Altar of my Sacrifice,  
Where daily my devoted knees shall bend  
Age honoured shrine, time still so love you,  
That I so long may have you in mine eye  
Until my memory lose your beginning.  
For you great Prince, long may your fame survive,  
Your justice and your wisdom never die,  
Crown of your Crown, the blessing of your Land  
Which you reach to her from your regent's hand.  Leon. 
Oh Cleanthes had you with us tasted  
The entertainment of our retirement  
Feared and exclaimed on in your ignorance,  
You might have sooner died upon the wonder  
Then any rage or passion for our loss.  
A place at hand we were all strangers in  
So sphered about with Music, such delights  
Viands and attendance, and once a day  
So cheered with a royal visitant  
That oft times (waking) our unsteady fantasies  
Would question whether we yet lived or no  
Or had possession of that Paradise  
Where Angels be the guard.  Duk. 
Enough Leonides  
You go beyond the praise, we have our end  
And all is ended well, we have now seen  
The flowers and weeds that grew about our Court.  Sim. 
If these be weeds i'm afraid I shall wear none so good again as long as my father lives.  Duke. 
Only this Gentleman we did abuse  
With our own bosom we seemed a Tyrant  
And he our instrument look 'tis Cratilus. Discover the Executioner.  
The man that you supposed had now been travelled,  
Which we gave leave to learn to speak  
And bring us foreign languages to Greece  
All's joyed I see, let Music be the crown,  
And set it high, the good needs fear no Law,  
It is his safety, and the bad man's awe.  
FINIS.   

An Exact and perfect CATALOGUE of all the plays that were ever printed; together, with all the Authors names; and what are Comedies, Histories, Interludes, Masks, pastorals, Tragedies: And all these Plays you may either have at the Sign of the Adam and Eve, in Little Britain; or, at the Ben Johnson's Head in Thredneedle-street, over against the Exchange.  

A  
ALarum for London T  Alchemist C Ben. johnson All Fools C Geo. Chapman Alphonsus King of T  Arragon T  Angry woman of Abingdon T Henry Porter Appius and Virginia T John Webster Atheist T Cyril Turner Albumazar C  Alexandriae— Campasnae T John Lily Alexandrian— T Sir William Alexander All for money C Tho. Lupton Amends for Ladies C Nath. Field Antonia and Melida T John Marston Arraignment of Paris T Wil. Shakespeare Arden of Feversham I Rich. Bernard Andrea in Terence C Rich. Bernard Aristippus' T Tho. Randalph All's lost by Lust C Will. Rowly As you like it C Will. Shakespeare All's well that ends well I Will. Shakespeare Abraham's sacrifice T Theod. Beza Agamemnon C  Apollo's shroving C  Adrasta C John Jones Arviragus & Philesia's 1.2. part T Lodowick Carlisle Agrippina T Thomas May Arcadia C james Shirley Antipodes C Rich. Brome Argalus and Parthenia C Hen. Glapthorn Albovine King of Lombard's T Will. Davenant Albertus Wallenstein T  Amorous War T Jasper Main Antonio and Cleopatra T Will. Shakespeare Antigone T Tho. May Aglaura C John Suckling Amintas, or the impossible dowry C Tho. Randolph Antiquary C Shakerly Mermion Alaham T Lord Brook Actaeon and Diana C  Ale, Beer, Tobacco C  Aminta T Tarquato Tasso Antonia's Revenge T John Marston Alphonsus Emp. of Germany T George Chapman Adelphes in Terence I Rich. Bernard Andrian woman C Tho. Newman Albion I    

B  
Brazen Age C Tho. Heywood Bondman T Phil. Massinger Byron's Conspiracy T George Chapman — Tragedy T George Chapman Broken heart C John Foard Bird in a Cage C James Shirley Bartholmew-fair C Ben. Johnson — Faring C  Ball C George Chapman Beggars bush. T John Fletcher Bonduca T John Fletcher Brothers C James Shirley Blind Beggar of Alexandria T George Chapman. Blurt Mr. Constable T  Bussey D Am boys T George Chapman. — Revenge T George Chapman. Battle of Alcazar T  Bloody banquet T Thomas Barker. — Brother T john Fletcher. Bride C Thomas Nabbs. Band ruff and cuff C  Battle of Affliction T  Brennerault T john Suckling. Bastard T Cosmo Manuche. Bashful lovers C Philip Massinger. Baggs Seneca T    

C  
Cambises King of Persia T Thomas Preston. Case is altered C Ben. johnson. Catiline's conspiracy T Ben. Johnson Caesar's revenge T  Caesar and Pompey T George Chapman. Chaste maid of Cheapside C Thomas Middleton. Christian turned Turk C Robert Daborne. Cynthius Revels T Ben johnson. Conflict of conscience I Same Wood. Croesus T William Alexander. Cruel brother T  Cupid's revenge T  Cleopatra T Samuel Daniel Comedy of errors C William Shakespeare Cymbelona T  Coriolanus T William Shakespeare. Courageous Turk T Thomas Goffe. Challenge for beauty C Thomas Heywood. Cid 1. 2, parts C joseph Rutter Changes, or love in a maze C james Shirley Contention for honour and riches M James Shirley Chabut Admiral T james Shirley Covent Garden C Thomas Nabbs Coronation C james Shirley Captain T john Fletcher Country Captain T Will. E. of Newcastle Chances C Will Shakespeare Coxcomb C john Fletcher Custom of the country C  Cardinal C James Shierly Court secret C  City match C jasper Main Court beggar C Richard Broome Cavalier Dick boys C  Caesar T William Alexander Cynthia's revenge T  Champions of Christendom T Thomas Kelligren Coroniae Minervae M  Coolay's fury T  Country Girl C Thomas Brewer Claracilla T Thomas Killigrew Conspiracy T Henry kellingrew Costly whore C  Changeling C  Cupid's whirligig C  Cruel debtor T  Cromwell's history H William Shakespeare Common conditions C  Cornelius T Thomas Loyd Cobblers prophecies C Robert Wilson Choice a good wife from a bad C  committee cured C  Cyrus' K. of Persia T  City wit C Riches Benne Constant maid C James Shirley Combat of love C Robt. Meade Cunning lovers C  Chlaridiae T  Coelum Britannicum M  Characters M  Careless shepherd C  Cupid and Death M James Shirley. Cleopatra T Tho. May Cleopatra C Samuel Daniel Caesar and Pompey T  Combat of Caps M John Mason   

D  
David and Beersheba T George Peel Daraia T William Alexander Disobedient child C  divel's law-case C john Webster Dutch courtesan C John Marston Duchess of Malfi T john Webster — of Suffolk T Tho. Heywood Duke of Milan T Phil. Massinger Devil is an ass C Ben. Johnson Duke's mistress M james Shirley Discontented Colonel C John Suckling Double marriage C john Fletcher Distracted state T John Tatham Damoiselle C Richard Broome Dido Queen of Carthage T Christ. Marlowe devil's charter C Barnaby Barnes Damon and Pithias T  darus' story H  Doctor dodipoll C  Dumb Knight C Lewis Machen Dick Scorner C  Duke of Florence T  Doubtful heir C James Shirley Destruction of Jerusalem M Thomas Leg Doctor Faustus H    

E  
Eastward ho C George Chapman. Endymion, or the man in the moon C John Lily Every man in his humour C Ben johnson. — out of his humour C Ben. johnson. English traveller C Thomas Heywood. Emperor of the East C Philip Massinger. Elder brother C John Fletcher Example C james Shirley Edward first, Longshanks T  — Second T  — Third T  — Fourth, 2 parts T  Every woman in her humour C Ben. Johnson Interlude of youth I  Eunuchus in Terence C Rich. Bernard Enough as good as a feast C  English Arcadia C  Electra Sophocles T  Elisabeth 1. 2. part T  Extravagant shepherd C Thomas Goffe. Eunuch in Terence C Tho. Newman   

F  
Fancies C  Floating Island C  Ferex and Porex C  Fortunate Isles C  — Isles M  Fortune by land and sea C  Fair quarrel C Thomas Middleton Fair maid of the West C Thomas Haywood — of the Inn C John Fletcher Faithful Shepherd C Richard Fanshawe — Shepherdess C John Dymmocke Fan C John Marston Fleire C Edward Sharpham Fox C Ben. Johnson friar bacon H  four London prentices T Thomas Haywood Fine Companion C Shakerly Mermyon Fatal Dowry C Philip Massinger — Contract C  False one C John Fletcher four plays in one C John Fletcher Favourite C Lodowick Carlisle Family of love C Thomas Middleton Fair maid of Bristol C  — Exchange C  Fortunatus C Thomas Barker Free will C Henry Cheek Fidele and Fortunata C  Four pees C  Fulgius and Lucrell C  Fatal union C  Fair Em. C    

G  
Galatea C John Lily Golden age C Thomas Haywood Grateful servant C James Shirley Greene's tu quoque C john Cook goblin C john Suckling Gamester C james Shirley Guise C john Webster Guardian C Abraham Cowly Ghost C  Gentleman Usher C Georg Chapman Gorbodne C  Gammer Gurton's needle C  Gentle-craft C  Glass of government I Georg Gascoigne Gyles Goosecap C  Game at chess C Thomas Middleton Guardian C Phil. Massinger Gentleman of Venice H james Shirley George a Green C  Gentleman of Verona C William Shakespeare   

H  
Histriomastix C  Hoffman T William Shakespeare Hymeniae M  Hey for Honesty C Tho. Randolph Hector of Germany C  Hector's C  Horatius T Wil. Lower Hog hath lost his pearl C Robt. Taylor Humorous day's mirth C Gorge Chapman — Courtier C James Shirley Hamlet prince of den T Will. Shakespeare Henry Fourth, both parts H Will. Shakespeare — Fifth H Will. Shakespeare — Sixth 3 parts H Will. Shakespeare — Eight H Will. Shakespeare Heir C Tho. May Honest, both parts C Tho. Decker Hannibal and Scipio C Tho. Nabbs Holland's Leaguer H Shakerly Marmion Hollander C Henry Glapthorn Hide Park C James Shirley Humorous Lieutenant C John Fletcher Honest man's fortune C  Herod Antipater C George Markham Henry the Fifth, with the battle C  — of Agincourt   Honest Lawyer C  Humour out of breath C John Doy Hymen's Triumph M Samuel Daniel Hercules furious I  — Orteus I  Hippolytus Seneca T Edmund Prestwich Hieronimo, both parts H Will. Shakespeare Hanns bear pot C    

I  
Just Italian C Will. Davenant Jew of Malta H Christ. Marlowe Insatiate Countess C John Marston John K. of England H  Julius Caesar T Will. Shakespeare Iron age, both parts C Tho. Decker jealous lovers C Tho. Randolph Island princess C John Fletcher Just general T Cosmo Manuche. jovial crew C Rich. Brome Imposter C james Shirley jack drums entertainment   joseph T Hugo Grotlus jack Straws life and death H  If this be not a good play the devils in't C Tho. Decker jacob and Esau I  jack juggler C  Isle of gall H Pow. Day jorasta H  K. john and Matilda T  john K. of England, both parts  Will. Shakespeare Joseph's afflictions I  john Evangelist I  Impatient Grissell C  — Poverty C  Imperial T  Ignoramus C    

K  
King and no King C John Fletcher Knight of pestle C John Fletcher — of malta H John Fletcher Knack to know an honest man C  — a knave C  Knight golden shield C  Knave in Grain C  King and Queen Intert M    

L  
London prodigal C Will Shakespeare Loves labour lost C Will. Shakespeare — Melancholy C John Foard — Sacrifice C John Ford Mistress M Thomas Haywood Loves cruelty C F. B. Jo. F. — progress C F. B. Jo. F. — Cruelty or the marshal's maid C F. B. Jo. F. Lady of pleasure C Henry Glapthorn ladies' privilege C james Shirley Little French-lawyer C F. B. Jo. F. Loyal subject C F. B. Jo. F. Laws of Candy C F. B. john Fletcher. Lancaster witches C  Love and honour C Will. Davenant Lady errant C William Cartwright Loyal lovers C Cosmo Manuche Love in its ecstasy C  lady's trial C John Ford Lost lady C F. B. Jo. Fl. Lusty juventus C  Loves riddle P Abraham Cowly Love and fortune C  Ladies of London C  Lords of London C  Locrinus C  Loves metamorphosis C John Lily. Liberality and prodigality C  Lingua C  Law-tricks C  looking-glass for London C  Laws of nature C  Like for like C  Look about you C  Loves dominion P  Langartha C  Leveller levelled C  Loves loadstone C  — triumph M  Love-sick King C Thomas Bernard Lancaster and York H  Loves labour lost C Will. Sampson Lovers, a mask M  Loves pilgrim C E. B. Jo. F.   

M  
Muses looking-glass C Tho. Randalph Male content C john Marston Midas T John Lily Massacre of Paris T Christopher Marlowe Martyr T Will Lower Mother Rumming C  Martyred soldier C Henry Shirley monsieur Thomas T John Fletcher Maids revenge T james Shirley Massalina T Nath. Richards monsieur de Oliva T  Michaelma, term C Thomas Middleton Mask at at Gray's-Inn M  Magnetic Lady C  Mad couple C Richard Broome Mad world my masters C Thomas Middleton Marius and Sulla T Tho. Lodge Mariam T Lady Eliz. Carew Manhood and wisdom C  Mary Magdalen's. Repentance I  Maids of Moreclack C Robert Armion Maids metamorphosis C john Lily Menechrims T  Merry devil of Edmond. C William Shakespeare Merry milkmaids C  Miller's daughter of Manchester C  Mucidorus C Will. Shakespeare Masquard D ciel M  Mercya T Robert baron Massanello T  Metamorphosed Gypsy M  Mortimers fall H  May day, C Gorge Chapman Merchant of Venice C William Shakespeare Marriage of Arts C  Match me in London C Thomas Barker Maids Tragedy T F. B. Jo. Fl. Merry wives of windsor C William Shakespeare. Midsummer night's dream C William Shakespeare Maid in the mil C Will. Rouly Misery of marriage C Georg Wilkins Mother Bomby C John Lily. Much ado about nothing C Will. Shakespeare Muliasses the Turk T John Mason Mustaphus T  Measure for measure, C Will. Shakespeare Macbeth T Will Shakespeer Maidenhead well lost C Thomas Haywood Mad lover C john Fletcher. Medea, Seneca T  Microcosmus M Tho. Nabbs Maid of honour C Phil. Massinger Match at midnight C Will. Rouly   

N  
New way to pay old debts C Phil. Massinger New Inn C F. B. Jo. F. Northern lass C Rich. Brome Night walker C F. B. Jo. F. Noble gentleman C F. B. Jo. F. Nice valour C F. B. john Fletcher. Novella C Richard Broome Nero's life and death H  Noble Soldier T Sam. Rowly 2— Kinsman C  — Stranger C Lewis Machen ne'er new written C  New trick to cheat the devil C  Neptune's triumph M  Niniveh's repentance I  Northward ho C  Nice wanton C  nobody, and somebody C  New custom C    

O  
Old Law C Philip Massinger. Ordinary C  Orlando furioso T  Old wives tale H  Ortenus C  Ortenas T  AEdipus T  Orestes T Thomas Goffe. Othello T Will. Shakespeare Oberon M  Oldcastle's life H  Opportunity C james Shirley Octavia T Tho. Newman Octavia's T Thomas Brandon Owl C    

P  
Parliament of Bees C John Day Pharmia in Terence T Rich. Bernard Patient Grissel, old C  — Grissel, new C  Pastor fido P Richard Fanshaw Pinner of Wakefield C  Prisoners T Thomas Killigrew Play of the weather C  Promise of God manifested I  Promus and Cassandra both parts P  Philotas T Samuel Daniel Phoenix C  pedlar's prophecies C  Palsgrave T  Puritan widow C Will. Shakespeare Player whipped C  Pallanthus and Eudora T Henry Killigrew Pilgrim C John Fletcher Prophetess P john Fletcher Platonic lovers T Wil. Davenant Pity she is a whore C John Foard Perkin Warbeck T John Foard Philotas Scotch C  Picture C Phil. Massinger Poetaster T Ben johnson. Phylaster T John Fletcher Phoenix in her flames T Wil. Lower Pyrocles prince of Tyre C Will. Shakespeare Poor man's comfort M Robert Dauborne Pleasure reconciled P  Paria   Peleus and Thetis M  Politician C james Shirley Patrick for Ireland C james Shirley Passionate lovers, both parts C Lodowick Loyd   

Q  
Queen of Arragon T Samuel Daniel Queen's Arcadia T john Fletcher. Queen T  — of Corinth T  — of her sex T    

R  
Ram-Ally C Philip Massinger Roman Actor  William Shakespeare Romeo and Juliet T William Shakespeare Royal King T Thomas Haywood Royal slave T William Cartwright Rebellion T Thomas Rawlins Royal master C James Shirley Rollo Duke of normandy T John Fletcher Rape of Lucrecia C Tho. Heywood Renegado T Philip Massinger. Richard 2d. T Will. Shakespeare — Third T Will. Shakespeare Robin Hood, both parts C  Robin Conscience C  Rival friends C Peter Hanstead Raging Turk T Thomas Goffe. Rhodon and Iris P Ralph Knevet Revenger T Tournour Roaring Girl C Thomas Middleton Return from Parnassus C  Robert E. of Huntington's downfall H  — death H  Robin Hood P  Rule a wife and have a wife C john Fletcher   

S  
Spanish Tragedy T Tho. Kite — Curate C F. B. Jo. Fl. — Bawd C  Stukely's life and death H  Sad shepherd C  Scots politic Presbyter I  Scipio and Phillis P  Sisters C  Sicily and Naples T  Sophister T  Silver-age C Thomas Haywood Sophao and Phao T John Lily Scornful lady C John Fletcher Sejanus fall C Ben. johnson Silent woman C Ben. Johnson Sophonisba H John Marston School of complements C James Shirley Sophy T Thomas Denham Staple of news C Ben. Johnson Springs glory M Tho. Nabbs Strange discovery C  Shepherds holiday C Jopeph Rutter Sea-voyage C F. B. Jo. Fl. Sparagus Garden C Rbt. Broom. Swaggering Damsel C Robert Chamberlyne Scots fegaries C John Tatham Siege, or loves convert C William Cartwrîght Solyman and Persida T  Summer's last will C  Solynus T Thomus Goffe. Scotch history H  See me, or see me not C  Supposes I George Gascoynd Susanna's tears I  Swetman the woman-hater arraigned C  Secillides T  Shoemaker a gentleman C  — holiday C    

T  
Troilus and Cressida T  Temple of love M  Twins C Wil. Rider. Tarquato Tasso P  Tullius Cicero T  Tamburlaine both parts H  Tancred and Gismond T  Two Tragedies in one T Roger Yernton Two wisemen C  Three English heroes C  Trial of chivalry C  — of treasure C  Tide tarrieth for no man C  twelfth night C William Shakespeare The boys, Seneca C  Thirsts, an Interlude   True Trojans T  Thertes T jasper Heywood Troas T  Tottenham Court C Thomas Nabbs Tom tiler C  Tempest C Will. Shakespeare The longer thou livest, the more fool thou art C  Triumph of beauty M  Tale of a tub C Ben johnson. Traitor T james Shirley Timon of Athens I  Two noble kinsmen C Will Shakespeare Triumph of peace M james Shirley Titus Andronicus T Will. Shakespeare Taming of a shrew C Will. Shakespeare Trick to catch the old one C Will. Shakespeare Thiery and Theodoret T E. B. Jo. Fl.   

V  
Untrussing the humorous poet C Tho. Decker Unnatural combat C Philip Massinger Vow breaker C Will. Sampson Unfortunate mother C Thomas Nabs — lovers C Will. Davenant Valentinian C john Fletcher Virgin widow C Francis Quarls — martyr C Philip Massinger Valiant Welshman C  Valiant Scot C  Varieties C  Very woman C Will. E. of Newcast Virtuous Octavia T Philip Massinger Vision of delight M  virgil's eclogues T    

W  
Widows tears C George Chapman Woman-hater C F, B. Jo. Fl. Woman killed with kindness C Thomas Haywood Woman is a weathercock C james Shirley Wedding C Nath. Field What you will C John Mirston When you see me, you will know me C Sam. Rowly White devil C John Webster Whore of Babylon C Tho. Darker Winter's tale C Wil. Shakespeare Witty fair one C james Shirley Woman never vexed C Wil. Rouly Wits C Wil. Dovenant Wonder of a kingdom C Tho. Decker Wise woman of Hogsdon C Thomas Haywood Wit without money a F. B. Jo, Fl. Wit in a Constable C Hen. Glapthorn Woman's prize C F. B. Jo. Fletcher Woman pleased C F. B. Jo. Fletcher Wit at several weapons C F. B. Jo. Fletcher Widow C Thomas Middleton. wild-goose chase C F. B. Jo Flet. Wine, Beer, Ale, Tobacco C  World tossed at tennis C Thomas Middleton Woman have her will C  Wit in a woman C  Wily beguiled C  Wiat's history H Tho. Decker Westward ho C John Webster Weakest goeth to the wall C  Wealth and health C  Warning for fair women C  Woman in the moon C John Lily Wife for a month C F. B. Jo. Fletcher   

Y  
Young Admiral C James Shirley Yorkshire Tragedy T Will. Shakespeare Your fine gallants. C Thomas Midleton   
FINIS.