the transforming windmill and its female victims THE MERRY Dutch Miller: AND New Invented Windmill. Wherewith the undertaketh to grind all Sorts of Women, as the Old, Decrepit, Wrinkled, Blear-eyed, Long-Nosed, Blind, Lame, Scolds, Jealous, Angry, Poor, Drunkards Whores, Sluts; or all others whatsoever. They shall come out of his Mill Young, Active, Pleasant, Handsome, Wise, Loving, Virtuous and Rich; Without any Deformity, and just suitable to their Husband's Humours. The Rich for Money, and the Poor for nothing. Composed Dialogue wise, for the Recreation of all those that are Inclined to be merry, and may serve to pass away an hour in a cold winter night (without any great offence) by a good fire side. The Miller and the Mill you see, How thronged with Customers they be: Then bring your Wives unto the Mill, And Young for Old you shall have still. London, Printed by E. Crouch, for F. Coles, T. Ver●, and I. Wright. 1672▪ THE MERRY Dutch Miller: AND New Invented Windmill. The Miller's Prologue, YOu Gentlemen and good People all, of this Famous English Nation, know that I am no Mountebank, but a down right Miller, newly come from beyond the Seas, whereto my lasting praise I have proved myself to be an Artist beyond compare: for with this my new Invented Windmill I have done rare Feats, in Grinding all sorts of Women, whether old, or young, in City or Country, from the Lady to the Beggar, if they be Deformed, Wrinkled, Bleareyed, long Nosed, Blind, Lame, jealous, Angry, or whatsoever, nay though she were as old as Charing-Cross, or as crooked as Mother Shipton, or the arrantest Scold that ever came from Billingsgate, I will Engage to make them Young, Active, Pleasant, Handsome, Modest loving kind and Rich, & just Suitable to their Husband's humours. As I have often experienced in other Countries where I have made practice of my Art. Therefore if there be any persons whatsoever, whose Wives are troubled with any of these infermities, or any other, let them bring them to my Mill & they shall have Young for Old, Rich for Poor, Sound for Lame, etc. And have present remedy, in less than an hours space. But let this suffice that I have already said, for now the wind blows fresh, & I perceive my Customers flocks in a pace therefore I must make use of time, while time serves, & the first that I shall encounter with, is Will the Weaver, who bringns his Wife upon his Back, then pray let us hear what he will say. Miller. Good morrow honest Will: I prithee what wind hath blown thee hither this morning, that thou comes laden with such a heavy burden upon thy Back. Will. Truly Master Miller, if you knew all you would say she were a heavy burden indeed, and yet it is a burden that I have been troubled with many years to my sorrow, But now I hope I shall be eased of it, for I hear by some of our neighbours that you have excellent Skill in curing women's infirmities and that is the reason I brought her. Mill. I must confess that my Mill will cure her of all Distempers; but I prithee tell what are the chiefest troubles, that I may be satisfied therein? Will. To spaak the truth she is so old, that she cannot hear herself Fart; nay more than that, she hath never a good condition, nor never had; and to speak all in a word, she is stark-naught; therefore I am resolved to carry her up stairs and put her into the Hopper whilst it is empty, for fear any other should be before me. Miller. I prithee do so honest Will: for now the wind blows merrily, and whiles the wise is a Grinding I will have a little talk with Jack Doo-Little, who comes here, whéeling his Wife in a Wheel-Barrow, Welcome Jack Doo-little, welcome to my Mill, methinks you take a great deal of pains this morning. Jack: O help a little, good Gaffer Miller help me, for I am so over tired with crowding of an old piece of Mortality hither, that I had better a thrown her to the Dogs then ever been troubled with her, but now I have got her thus far▪ hope the worst is past. Mil. Why: who is it thou hast got in thy Barrow that thou dost so exclaim upon her. Jack. Who is it, it is my old Wife, a Murrain take her, would I had never seen the eyes of her, for she never did me a good deed in her life, and yet she hath cost me many a pound to keep her old rotten Carcase from sinking into the Grave, but now I am resolved to have her Ground as small as ever was any gun Powder. Miller. Take no care for the shall be Ground according to thy hearts desire, and I do promise the thou, shalt have a young Bedfellow instead of thy old morterpeice, But stay who comes next; what a whole Boat full at a time, I hope my trade will prove a great deal better than many think for, welcome honest Waterman I see you bring them in by wholesale, what would you have done to these Girls, they seem to be young and serviceable. Wat. Introth you are very much mistaken for they are neither young nor serviceable, do but wash of their Paint and you will see that they are both old and ill thriven, and have as many diseases as an old Horse, for by their light heeled trade all their life time, and being so underlayed they have made their Bodies mere Hospitals of Diseases, therefore if you be not very careful in throwing them into your Hopper, you will have them drop in pieces about your ears, they are so rotten. Miller. Say you so, than I am something afraid they should clog my Mill and spoil it; but I prithee tell me where have these Ladies led their lives before you brought them hither. Wat. Why, they have been about their occasions sometimes in Whetstone's Park and Le●te●●●●s-lane, and sometimes a● perboyling in the Lock in Southwark; from whence I just now brought them in my Boat accounting them to be a very light freight. Miller. But what wouldst thou have done to them, you know it is an old saying, that once a Whore and always a Whore, yet for all that, if the wind prove good I do not fear but to make them as honest, and as healthful as they were, when they were but ten years of Age. Wat. I thought you could Grind one of th●m quickly till she w●re both ha●some & wholesome, I would stay a little perhaps she might let me have a cast of her office for a cast of mine. Mil. How can that be, did not I tell thee I would Grind them till they were honest. Wat. What if you do Grind them till they are honest, may they not turn Whores again as soon as they please. Mill. I cannot spare time now to contend with thee betwixt wind and water, but I tell thee i'll Grind them as they should be Ground and then no question but they will be right again, Believe it if the Wind blow fair. I'll make thy freight, prove Market Ware. But who is that comes hauling his Wise, by the middle? who, Kit, the Cooper, O brave Kit I see thou brings thy Wife to my Mill as round as a Hoop, what's the matter. Cooper. What's the matter: nay you'll say it's an ill Wind that blows no body profit, I have such a matter in hand, as would make a man mad to understand it, here is my old Wife, Joan, that hath been a vexation to me this twenty years, and one of the least of her faults is, that she cannot hold har Water, and for my part I have used the best skill that belongs to my Trade, for I have hooped her, till all the Neighbours have come in and called me Knave, and yet all that ever I can do will not stop her old Leak. Mill. Pish man that's the least fault of a thousand to be cured. Cooper. Marry so it had need, for I think she hath a thousand worse than that, but now I have her here I will have her cured of them all or else it shall cost me a fall. Mil. Take no care, for I will Grind her as never old horse was ground, I will make her old bones rattle in her skin like a Barrel of egg shells, but here comes Martin Marrall I must either speak to him or else all the Fat will be in the fire. how now Martin; have a care you do not mar all, by dragging your Wife so by one foot. Mar. It is not a Pin matter how I drag her, for she hath dragged me by the hair of my head, many a time and often, and I'll warrant you for all this, let her but take breath, and she shall start up and call me as many Rogues as can stand betwixt this, and Amsterdam, for she is a Rotter-damnable Scold, nay her very voice is enough to Sour all the Ale in the Town, worse than either a clap of thunder, or the Sound of the great Bell at Lincoln. Mil. O good Martin let me not hear her open, for hear is Wind enough already, and a little more might chance to over set my Mill, for to tell you the truth no Woman is to make use of her tongue in this place, for as soon as the Magpie gins to chatter I turn her over into the Hopper, and away she goes. Mar. But I think I had best have her Ground after the new fashion, that is, to come out again without a tongue, for I have been so tormented with it, that I shall be afraid ever to venture on a Woman with a Tongue so long as I have ears to hear. Miller. As you please for that, I'll warrant you she shall be ground just as you would have her, and that's as much as the honestest Miller in the Land can say▪ But what railing noise is this that I hear? what a whole Coachful of Ladies? I perceive my fame rings through Court, City, and Country, I would scarce leave this Trade to turn Usurer, welcome honest Coachman, what have you brought me here, I here this will be a lucky , for by their fine Feathers they should have well lined purses. Coach What have I brought you; Marry I have brought you them that were not able to bring themselves, s●ch a parcel of old decayed Maddams, or what you please to call them as I think old Nick would not be troubled with, for they have been so over ridden wi●h all sorts of Gallants, that they are not now fit for a Broom man, And now so sooth they have a mind to be young again, for their hearts are good though their heels will not up as formerly they have done. Mil. I can do no less than give them a little respect for what they have been, and I will promise to Grind them like Persons of Quality for they shall be sure of a clean Hopper and other things which I am sure they love well. I do not question but you are well paid for bringing them. Coach. I, you may swear it, for because they were old I held them to hard meat, or else perhaps a little ' th' tone with t'other might have served my turn, but I pray you do your work well, and it may be I may help you to more Customers, for I know a great many more that stands in need of Grinding. Miller. Never fear but I will do my work well, for so soon as ever my things are in order they shall be the first that I will go about; and I do not doubt but to give them content. For he that doth, Old Ladies Grind, Had need to have, a very merry Wind. But who comes next? Peter the Piper: I hope he will make us all merry. Welcome Peter, you are a man that deals in Wind a● well as myself, therefore be sure if you hav● any thing to do, I will befrind you. Piper. O good Brother Wind-baggs, stand t● your Pan-pudding, and help me up stairs with th● most untoward, cross piece of carrion, that ev●● poor Piper was troubled withal, for as I was crowding her along, she let such a Fart, that I believe it would have blown your Mill-sails about; and if it had not come out at that end, and then no doubt but she had raised a Tempest, that would not a been laid again in haste; but of all the faults she hath, none torments me so much as her jealousy, for you know I must Play at Feasts and Weddings, and if I do but chance to kiss a Maid, she is horn-mad. Miller. Never trouble yourself, if that be all, I'll make her patiented enough, nay more than that, after I have done with her, she shall be so pleasant and merry, that she shall never hear you play, but shall dance, and I'm sure that will please you, and make fine sport. Piper. I must confess that will please me, for if she be in such a dancing humour, I will make her dance about the house with my Pipe, as often as ever she made me dance about with a Broom-staff, and that hath been (as I may say) too often. Miller. Well, she shall serve you so no more I'll promise you, therefore Tune up your Pipes, and play The worst is past, and in the mean time I will Grind her as small as small Coals, whilst I sing this Song. MY Mill it goes merrily round; My Mill it goes merrily round, The Pipers Wife I'll venture my life, She shall be very well Ground, Ground, O she shall be very well Ground. But who comes here! Oh, my old Friend honest Ned, with his Wife Bet (the Parson's Daughter in a Dung-cart, I will do him all all the courtesy I can. Ned. Oh! help, help good Miller, or I am utterly undone, I have here in my Dungcart the most abominablest load of Foul-stuff that ever man laid Leg over, she is fit for nothing, except it were to make a Christmas-Log off, and then she would make such a damnable stink (in the burning) that she will spoil all the Plumb-pottage and Roast-beef in Town: If you do not Grind her, I must e'en take a Halter and hang myself? for I have endured a worst Bondage with her (for this twelve years) than ever the Children of Israel did in Eygipt. Miller. Prithee Ned tell me her faults, and I'll Grind her to what perfection you will have her. Ned. Her Faults? She hath so many that it is impossible to rickon them all up in the longest Summers day: Oh that Parsons had never been suffered to marry, than we had never been so tormented with their wicked Daughters. Mill. You had best take my Rope and fasten it about her midddle, and we will Crane her up into the Hopper, for she is so Fat and Foggey, that we shall never get her up else. From all Parson's Daughters, that so filthy be I beseech the good Lord to deliver me. But now by this time I think I have done a good days work, therefore I desire that all my loving Customers, would come and tell me if I have given you content, and then I shall be well satisfied and draw to a conclusion for this day. Customers. O we are all very well pleased to our hearts content, for our Wives are now suitable to our humour, therefore we wish you good fortune wherever you go▪ Mil. I told you I would give you content, & I am glad I have performed my promise, I must confess I have had good Trading here in England and I intend wh●n I remove to go amongst the Frenchcified Ladies; for they may be a means to bring good Grists to my Mill: And so for the present I bid you farewell. If there be any have a mind, To bring more Women, for to Grind, I pray be quick, make no delay, But to my Mill, come all away And if I have a merry wind, I'll please you all, as you shall find. FINIS.