MERRY NEWS FROM Epsom-Wells: Being a witty and notable Relation, of a Lawyers lying with a London Goldsmith's Wife, at Epsom, whilst the kind Cuckold went for Water: And the manner of the beating up of their Quarters one morning early, by the Lawyer's Wife, as they lay embracing each other in Bed together.  
With the Goldsmith's loving speech in Vindication of his Wife, to hundreds of People, there present; who conducted them out of the Town with great Shouts and Echoes; and worthy of observation by the noble Citizens.  
London, Printed for G. Kendal, and are to be sold near the Old-Bayley, 1663.   

MERRY NEWS FROM Epsom-wells.  
CATO the Censor said in his time, That if the World were without Women, the Conversation of men would not be exempt from the company of Gods.  
And a Doctor of the Jews yielding a reason why the Eternal Word has so long time deferred its Incarnation, said nothing else, but that the World was then replenished with bad Women, and that four thousand years were not able to furnish out one good one, to serve as an Instrument suitable to the greatness of this Mystery.  
Another having lived free from the Bands of Marriage, caused to be set on his Tomb; Vixit sine impedimento: He lived without hindrance: Which was a phrase very obscure, to express what he would say: Notwithstanding it was found this hindrance, whereof he spoke, was a Woman. This may well happen through the vice and misery wherein the state of this present life hath confined us: But to speak generally, we must affirm, had it been the best way to frame the World without a Woman, God had done it, never expecting the Advice of these brave Cato's; and whosoever endeavoureth to condemn Marriage, though sometimes it proves contrary to expectation, showeth, that he is either out of his Wits, or a public enemy to Mankind; for true it is, that the laudable conversation of Women, renders itself so necessary for Christianity, that it proves a singular means to Man's felicity and happiness: Whereas, on the contrary, something may arise, to eclipse that mutual love, for a time; which cannot be imputed to Marriage, but a depraved Nature: Therefore, whosoever shall read these following Verses, let him take them cautionary, for it is a catching Disease; but happy is he, who feels not the operation.  

THe kissing Play will ne'er decay,  
though Ladies look so stately:  
I'll tell you a witty wanton Toy,  
that happened very lately.  
It is a Jest, worth all the rest,  
which ever shall come after:  
'Tis new and true, and fit for you,  
that do drink Epsom water.   

A Citizen and his gallant Wife,  
that was both gay and pretty;  
And could do all things to the life,  
she was so rare and pretty:  
When she was kind, he could be blind,  
and mind another matter:  
Whilst she was kissed, he could be whist,  
and run for Epsom water.   

A Lawyer that, knew what was what,  
did lodge next Chamber to her;  
Who by her Face, did find her Case,  
and turned an amorous Wooer:  
He found out what, she would be at  
so gentle was her Nature:  
The Husband's Wit, was very fit  
to wait, and fetch them water.   

They kiss and play, the time away,  
with tossing and with tumbling:  
But now they intent, to come to th'end,  
and stand no longer sumbling.  
The poor Cits brains, ran all on gains,  
who to promote the matter,  
One morning early, fresh and fairly  
did run out for Water.   

But out alas, the Citizen was  
rewarded for his labour:  
The Lawyer went, by free consent  
to visit his next Neighbour.  
He stood not long on Compliment,  
but aimed his Arrow at her:  
Thus many a Cuckold hath been made  
by drinking Epsom water.   

There they did lie, and multiply  
their Kisses without number  
The pleasure that, they had been at  
put both into a slumber.  
A Lady which from London came,  
attended by her Daughter,  
Went to this house (that I'll not name)  
to drink of Epsom water.   

The Doors were open, and below  
there were no persons moving;  
She comes up to these Lovers, who  
were fast asleep with loving:  
She peeps and stairs, and stamps and swears,  
and is as mad as may be;  
The Lawyer wakes, tremblus and quakes  
to see his own sweetlady.   

The Lawyer's Wife, with furious hands  
the Chamber door doth make fast,  
It grieved her sore, to see a Whore  
had got away her Breakfast  
She opes the Casement, and she calls  
all People to this slaughter,  
How most unluckily it falls  
his Wife should watch his Water.   

She opes the door, to show the whore  
and through the Town runs mading,  
She told them all, both great and small,  
of her Husbands dancing Fadding.  
Thus was the Lawyer outlawed by  
his wary Wife and Daughter,  
The Wittol whilst this tumult's high  
comes sneaking in with water.   

Five hundred people here were met  
(though early in the morning)  
There could have been no louder fret  
had all the Town been burning.  
The Cuckold makes a speech between  
(with laughing most pedantic)  
And said the Lawyer's Wife had been  
some four or five years frantic.   

My Wife, quoth he, I long have had  
and found her always honest,  
Though some there are think Women bad  
whose carriage is the bonniest,  
But all the rout, did laugh and shout  
his language could not fit all:  
Though still he cried, yet they replied,  
a Cuckold, and a Wittol.   

To save his life, he takes his Wife,  
and out of Town he trudges:  
The Lawyer's fact, is censured by  
almost a thousand Judges.  
They flout and fleer, they jest and ieas,  
the Town is full of laughter,  
But many of them that were there,  
had padled in such water.   

The Lawyer's Wife did rant and tear,  
enough to make the Sky burn:  
It was no time to tarry there  
he had better been at Tyburn.  
Away he goes, filled full of woes,  
to think what will come after,  
He that loves his life, let him keep his wife  
from drinking Epsom Water,   
FINIS.