THE Counterfeit Bridegroom: OR THE Defeated Widow. A COMEDY, As it is Acted at His Royal Highness THE Duke's Theatre.  

Licenced  
Octob. 4 th'. 1677. ROGER L'ESTRANGE.   
LONDON, Printed for Langley Curtiss in Goat-Court upon Ludgate-Hill, 1677.   

PROLOGUE  Spoke by Mrs. Currar. 
WHo have we here, fine Sparks, faith Sirs I fear  
You'll not be pleased with our Vacation Cheer;  
Why, what a Devil make you now in Town  
I'th' Mall, the Park, and Playhouse clothes were shown,  
Down, down to th' Country, there show the Gay Baboon;  
Cloris, and Celia do expect ye there,  
To th' honest Tradesmen leave this time o'th' year,  
Who, (while their Wives (good men) are gone to meet  
Some of you Sirs t'th ' Country here can sit  
Wondrously pleased with our Vacation Treat.  
But since against the Rules of Gallantry  
Ye keep in Town, faith take your Chance for me;  
Huff, Damn and Swear, if you think good— but then  
Expect a brush fro'th' Trading Gentlemen,  
For 'tis their time t' approve or to Condemn:  
You'll say, 'tis hard, you cannot be allowed  
To Judge, and censure with the Common Crowd;  
Nay to be barred from damning, swearing too,  
When, here, you've hardly little else to do,  
Since visards are grown scarce:— might I advise,  
If you will come, let 't be in some disguise,  
With Coat, Short wig, and Colbertein Crevat,  
With greasy Gloves, and the broad flapping hat,  
Then freely ye may give the Play its Fate;  
But if you boldly will Usurp their Right,  
And huffing damn the Play out of mere spite,  
'Cause it affords not you deboacht delight,  
You justly may expect that They will swear  
Vacation Pocket 'tis, that keeps you here;  
And Play at Half a Crown does now prove Dear.   

The Persons Names.  

Sir Oliver Santloe— Mr. By A. Leigh.  
Peter Santloe— His Son— Mr. Bowman.  
Mr. Sanders— Mr. Gilloe.  
Mr. Noble— Brother to Mrs. Hadland. Mr. Crosby.  
Mr. Hadland— Mr. Williams.  
Sir Gregory Lovemuch— Mr. Persivall.  
Mr. Gazer— An Astrological old Fool— Mr. Norris.  
Mr. Noddy— A Country Squire— Mr. John Lee.  
Sam— Sir O. Santloes Man— Mr. Richards.  
A Dutch Boy.   

WOMEN.  
Lady Santloe— Mrs. Norris.  
Clarina— Mrs. Gibbs.  
Widow Landwell— Mrs. Osborne.  
Eugenia— Mrs. Legrand.  
Mrs. Hadland— Mrs. Currar.  
Musicians, Singers, Dancers— etc.   
The SCENE, LONDON.   
THE Counterfeit Bridegroom: OR THE Defeated Widow.  


Act the First. Scene the First.  Scene the Street. Enter Peter Santlow, and Sam. P. S. 
I Am at my Wits ends, Sam.  Sam. 
Faith Sir, like a kind Friend, I'm following you as fast as I can.  P. S. 
My Wife will be forced from me, my pleasure, my delight.  Sam. 
How shall we help it, Sir, dull, dull dog as I am, my invention was never so graveled since I first set out upon't.  P. S. 
But this is not all my misery— for I am branded with the breach of Friendship: for Sanders does suspect that I make Love to his Mistress the Widow's Niece Eugenia; when Heaven knows, 'tis my Father that works against the peace of both our spirits, and courts her for me.  Sam. 
Let him go on, Sir, She'll hardly yield to an Old Man's Courtships, especially when she finds you appear not in it— but Sir, here's Mr. Sanders with looks as melancholy and angry as a Looseing Bulley of Marribone.  Enter Sanders. Sand. 
My treacherous Rival there! draw Sir—  P. S. 
What means my Friend?—  Sand. 
Not a word, but defend thy life.  P. S. 
I'll die before I'll draw against the man that I love; what reason?—  Sand. 
Thy Perjuries have blotted out the name of Friend, and out of Cowardice you endeavour to excuse an act, not Heaven itself can pardon, much less I,— but thus I will repay thy falsehood.  [Runs at him— Sam. steps between. Sam. 
Hold, hold, Sir,— here's like to be fine work— Pray hear him first before you kill him, Sir,— upon my life, your anger is in an Error all this while; for 'tis my young Master's Injury and not yours, you would kill him for— Come Sir, I must have ye friends, a pox on weapons— Mr. Sanders your hand, Sir,— Now yours, Sir,— So, so— Now all's right again: This is a new way of reconciling Friends, which I learned the other day among the Town Blades—  Sam. takes Sanders by one hand, and P. S. by tother, and shakes 'em. Sand. 
thouart a mad Slave.  P. S. 
Now Sam, tell him the Secret, which none knows but yourself and I, and he will confess he has wronged the patience of his Friend.  Sam. 
Be patient then and attend— You must know, Sir, That about Seven Years since my Lady, his Mother, went over to Flanders, to coop the Young Chick his Sister in a Nunnery, she then being about Nine Years old; but on the Road to Antwerp, they met Thiefs, were robbed, stripped, and parted; for the Kites conveyed the Young One-away, and left the Old one to cackle over her loss.  Sand. 
Strange accident!  Sam. 
From which time they were not heard off, till about Three Months since, News came of all had passed, in a Letter from the Mother, who was then but in an ill condition at Colone; for thither she had wandered to find out her Daughter, but despairing of that, she sent over for Money to bring her home with— My Old Master no sooner heard of the Sum, but told it out, gave it him, and sent us over; but we unfortunately calling at Antwerp by the way, a little Gipsy at an Inn, had so looked herself into his heart, that the Mother was forgot, and he doted so, that he brought her over, and this day married her; but pretends it is his Sister; for which she now passes with the Old Man.  Sand. 
But how came you off concerning her Mother?  Sam. 
With a Tale of my own devising, That about 3 Years since she died at a little Village within Two Leagues of Antwerp.  Sand. 
Let me admire thee— and withal confess my groundless Jealousy.  P. S. 
Which thus I pardon— and renew our former friendship—  [They Embrace. Sam. 
But here's the Devil on't, my Old Master concluding her his Daughter, has found out a Match for her, an Old Rank Fox, one Gazer.  Sand. 
What he that woes by the Almanac? observes the Full and Change o'th' Moon, and makes it his business to conform all his actions and designs to the Influence of the Planets?  P. S. 
The very same, he will not shave his Beard, clip his Nails, nor cut a Corn before he has consulted Erra Pater, whether it be a lucky day or no.  Sam. 
Even he, because the Fool demands no portion— but if my skill fail not, I shall give him the Go-by.  Sand. 
As how, good Sam?  P. S. 
Honest Rogue say how.  Sam. 
Thus— when the Fool's cashiered, as that he shall be, I'll tell my Old Master, that you admire his Daughter, and your Love's so great, that provided you might have her, you'd take her without a farthing— it's no sooner heard, but the bait is swallowed, you are admitted, and the Match concluded.  P. S. 
But how will you shift off the Marriage?  Sam. 
I have a Trick for that too— and each shall have his own— and both being lodged in one house, as 'tis his pride to have his children's Children got successively, on his forefather's Beds— in the Day time to please the Old Man, ye may dally and print a kiss on the wrong Lip, and no harm in't; for Brothers and Sisters may do't: But for the Night, let each know his own business, and there I'll leave you.  Sand. 
Honest Rogue, how I applaud thy Witt.  P. S. 
See, my Father's coming— let us retire—  Sam. 
About it straight, my Master's time is precious— and let me alone with my Old Master—  Sand. P. S. Exeunt. Manet Sam. To him Sir Oliver Santlow. Sir O. 
How now Sirrah, does the Love-business go well between the Young Ones?  Sam. 
Between your Son, and Mrs. Eugenia the Line is Even, Sir—  Sir O. 
And shall I be a Grandsire then?  Sam. 
Oh questionless, Sir— but Sir methinks there's no proportion between that Equinoctial and my Young Mistress Clarina.  Sir O. 
You mean Gazer: why the better Man; the better.  Sam. 
How Sir, are you glad there's no proportion in't?  Sir O. 
Yes marry am I Sir; for I would have you to know, I hate all words that end in portion— for I'll give her nothing.  Sam. 
Say you should not, Sir, as I'll ne'er urge your Worship against your Nature— is there no Gentleman (think you) of Worth and Credit, that will not open his Bed to warm a plump, handsome, charming naked Lady? believe me, Sir, there are Thousands in this Town would be glad of such Service; nay, and would give Money rather than not be so employed.  Sir O. 
Say you so? then they shall give me money for my Girl, or they shall go without her.  Sam. 
Yes, they do give, keep, and treat, but not marry Sir, which I suppose you are for.  Sir O. 
For quoth I? my Daughter shan't be a Whore, no not to get money, which is the best plea the Jades of the Town have for their lewdness, and in troth I love wealth so, that in my conscience had I been a Maid, I had turned Strumpet merely for money sake.  Sam. 
A Smiting one ' i'faith— but Sir methinks there's a great inequality in years— Mr. Gazer is too old in conscience for my young Mistress.  Sir O. 
You lie Sirrah— he is but fifty five years of discretion, and will make a Stayed Husband.  Sam. 
As tame as a Drone that has lost his sting— but Sir, under correction, I fear he is past getting of Children, which young Women love extremely, and I should be loath my young Mistress should lie fallow before she has yielded fruit.  Sir O. 
Sirrah do not provoke me to wrath— not he get Children, when 'tis well known that a tough old Fox of Threescore and Nine got a Girl of ten with Child— but however should he prove impotent, it would be the better I say still.  Sam. 
Would you not be a Grandfather by your Daughter, Sir?  Sir O. 
No Sir— my Son will make me that, and should my Daughter too, 'twould undo me, double charges Sam. double charges.  Sam. 
Then I know a young Gentleman, between you and I Sir, as impotent as an Eunuch, that has all the passions of Love, but incapable of Action; besides he has a great Estate.  Sir O. 
How say you? a rich Eunuch? what a blessings that! and is he in Love with my Girl! blessing on blessing— name him, honest Varlet, who is it?  Sam. 
Mr. Sanders, Sir.  Sir O. 
How, Mr. Sanders?— why Sirrah, had not he last Session a Bastard laid to his Charge, for which he was fined twenty Pounds.  Sam. 
True Sir, but 'twas his Footman's Bastard, which he only Fathered, for his credit; the case of many Blades now a days to keep up reputation.  Sir. O. 
But he ' l have a portion too.  Sam 
To my knowledge not, Sir; alas he has a vast Estate already, which he intends to settle on your Daughter, and then Sir when he dies 'twill all come to your Family.  Sir O. 
Art sure of that?  Sam. 
He told me so himself Sir, and said likewise, he would leave all to your Discretion.  Sir O. 
Nay then it's my own, and the Devil a penny he gets of me.  Sam. 
Sir shall I fetch him, ere it be too late; for he's so raving Mad, that shortly he'll either be in Bedlam, or break his neck off some Steeple.  Sir O. 
Now bless the young man's gristles, I should be loath to lose such an Estate, and see a begging Courtier go away with what might have been mine— therefore prithee find him out that I may pronounce words of consolation to him— before he be passed all recovery; for I would not lose the blessing of an Eunuch Husband for my Daughter, for the World—  Sam. 
But Sir you'll send the Gull, the weathercock going First?  Sir O. 
Presently, instantly, my Daughter shall not be his Ephemeris, since I can Prognosticate a happier Fortune for my Girl; prithee Sam, about it man, and bring Mr. Sanders to me—  Sam. 
But Sir, take no notice for the World, that he is an Eunuch.  Sir O. 
Not a word, begone, begone man—  [Sam. Exit. Enter Gazer. Gaz. 
Let me see, let me see, what comfort gives my Almanac to day—  
Luck I beseech thee, good days evil days, June, July, August, speak a word for me now, the Girl's my own; let me see the Eighth day between Hawk and Buzzard, (I remember I was drunk then) the Ninth day on a slippery pin, the Tenth day the Markets marred, the Eleventh day against the hare— against the hare! a pox on the hare, would it had been left out, had it been against any thing but the hare, I had not valued it— however I'll try the fortune of a good face, though my Almanac leaves me in the suds.  Sir O. 
Mr. Sanders and an Eunuch too!— well, 'tis a prodigious Match! nay I thought I should have good luck to day, because I rise with my butt end foremost this morning as they say.  Gaz. 
Oh here's my Father-in-Law that must be, Sir Oliver your most dutiful Son-in-law and Servant.  Sir O. 
An Eunuch! by Gogmagog he's happier than all the Whoring Gallants of the Town.  Gaz. 
How? an Eunuch! I scorn your words, Sir, 'tis well known I have three chopping Bastards at Nurse— but, Sir Oliver— Sir Oliver Santloe—  Sir O. 
Oh, Mr. Mooncalf, are you there? prithee depart, for I am very busy at present—  Gaz. 
When shall I wait on you then, Sir?—  Sir O. 
Why, let me see, about a quarter of a year hence—  Gaz. 
A quarter of a year hence? what shall I come in September or October?  Sir O. 
No Sir, nor in November neither, good my Friend—  Gaz. 
You are not mad, Knight? you will not let your Daughter hang past August, will you? if Sir you do, she'll soon drop under the Tree, for she's no winter fruit I'll assure you—  Sir O. 
By Gog and Magog 'tis no matter for that, my daughter is not fruit for your tooth— therefore be not impertinent, but march off—  Gaz. 
Your Promise is passed—  Sir O. 
A fart for Promises— I tell you you're troublesome— what think you I'll marry my daughter to a Planter of the Skies, pray what Settlement will you make, of the 12 Planets, and once a year they march out of your Lordship; I'll not bestow my daughter on one who can make no Jointure, but of Castles in the Air—  Gaz. 
But I have an Estate—  Sir O. 
For aught I know 'tis one by Conjuration, and the Charm may be out if you die, and when my Girl thinks she's on substantial Land, may find herself in the midst of an Irish Bogg— in short, Sir— you shall have none of my daughter—  Gaz. 
Then may the Devil choke ye with Money, and may a Fiddler run away with your daughter, not have your daughter? a Pox on your daughter. Adieu, Sir; now for my Widow, I'll never leave an open hearted Widow for a narrow eyed Maid again: go out of the Roadway like an Ass to leap over Hedge and Ditch— I'll fall into the beaten Road again, and invite the Widow home to a Banquet and make amends for my neglect of not waiting on her yesterday—  

My Almanac told me true, how I should fare:  
Let no man think to speed against the Hair.   [Exit. Sir O. 
So, he's gone, may all the Stars by whatsoever Titles they are dignified and distinguished look a skew upon all his Enterprises—  
Oh luckey Rogue, ha'ye brought Mr. Sanders— he looks so sad, he grieves my very Soul, poor Fool—  Enter Sanders and Sam. Sam. 
Sir, there's the old Gudgeon, now catch him neatly and your business is done.  Sir O. 
Oh, Mr. Sanders, what you are in love it seems; One might guests by your hanging look you are possessed with that troublesome spirit—  Sand. 
I am so, Sir—  Sir O. 
For my daughter—  Sand. 
True, Sir—  Sir O. 
And you'd kill yourself for her—  Sand. 
My Life will be a burden if I have her not—  Sir O. 
In good time, Sir— but than you expect no Portion?  Sand. 
Something by which you do acknowledge her your daughter, Sir—  Sir O. 
Acknowledge her your daughter! what a wheedling Phrase was that to get Money— but 'twon't do— in a word, Sir, if you like, love, and will marry my Girl without a Portion so, if not— Lord have mercy upon you, and so go hang yourself.  Sam. 
How dexterously he wheedles himself into the noose.  [Aside. Sand. 
But, Sir, if you'll bestow no Portion, you'll give her clothes and Wedding-dinner—  Sir O. 
Yes that I will, Sir, and more; you shall board in my House gratis for three Years, if that will do: look out no further, for I'll reprieve you from your grinning destiny—  Sand. 
Then thus I joyfully return my acknowledgements for your kind compliance, and admire your judgement and discretion, for a Woman's Virtue is the richest Dower she can possess—  Sir O. 
Now I love thee for thy wisdom, rise, rise, and a Blessing on you both—  Enter Young Santlow. 
How now Son, whither so fast—  P. S. 
To visit my Mistress, Mr. Sunset's daughter, Sir—  Sir O. 
A good Boy— ply it hard both of ye; these young Sluts are as skittish as unbackt Colts— Do ye hear, agreeed so soon as possible, and one day, one dinner shall serve for both.  [P. S. and Sand. Exeunt. 
How soon my Joys for my Girls good Fortune have drowned the Sorrow for my Wife's Loss— well 'twas a good Soul— but why should I grieve, since I enjoy her Picture in my daughter—  Enter Boy. 
How now, the News with you, Sirrah—  Boy. 
A Dutch Merchant, Sir, desires to speak with you—  Sir O. 
With me? what should his business be trow— I have a Cousin in Holland, perhaps some News from him, the old business, some Firkins of Butter with Counterfeit Farthings, but though the gain may be great, yet by Gog Magog I'll be no Trayter I, so I'll roundly tell him—  [Sir O. Boy, Exeunt.  

SCENE II.  Enter Mrs. Hadland with a Letter. Sir Gregory Lovemuch disguised like a Porter. Mrs. Hadl. 
Well I must be revenged on this impertinent Lecher, he will not be repulsed, yet in spite of poverty and all its cursed attendance of Calamities, I'll keep my Virtue still, and my precious Sir, the Goat, will appear under the Ass' skin—  [aside. Sir G. L. 
Thus far I am prosperous, Love, if it be thy will make her comply: Poverty! thou blessed Bawd of Love, confute her sullen Virtue, make her yield, and then I'm happy—  [aside. 
Now, Madam, what answer shall I give to the Worshipful Knight that sent me?  Mrs. H. 
I'll comply seemingly till I have an opportunity to be revenged for his unlawful Solicitations.  [aside. 
Friend, you may tell Sir Gregory, That the small Favour which in his Letter he requests was no sooner read but granted—  Sir G. L. 
Oh divine Beauty! let me embrace my Treasure—  [Discovers himself. Mrs. H. 
Sir Gregory Lovemuch in the Habit of a Porter, it amazes me.  Sir G. L. 
Oh Madam, Love, Love has a thousand ways to discover itself and its Deity— and this was mine— speak, Madam, and with the harmonious sound make me all rapture, new create me Young, say, shall I enjoy that mighty Blessing I have so long toiled and laboured for?  Mrs. H. 
I will consider further of it, Sir—  Sir G. L. 
Oh dally not with time, my fair, let us now improve this blessed time of your Husband's absence— I met him at the Temple, I suppose— gone to his Lawyer's Chamber—  Mrs. H. 
Very right Sir—  Sir G. L. 
Shall we, shall we withdraw then to your Chamber?— fair one?  Mrs. H. 
And wrong my Husband, and the Widow whom you are about to Marry? 'twould be unkindly done of me—  Sir G. L. 
I marry her Wealth, not Person— when I've the Blessing of her Estate, it shall be at your Command, I marry her only to supply my Purse.  Mrs. H. 
I must confess 'twill be a home revenge upon her, for she now enjoys my Estate, which her Husband by Knavish practices, cozened my Father of just before he died—  Sir G. L. 
That's my design to force her make a restitution of your Estate; for all, all she has you shall be sole Commandress of—  Mrs. H. 
Your Promises are great—  Sir G. L. 
The performance too shall be so, her golden showers shall fall into your lap, and one kiss shall ransom inestimable Jewels from their imprisonment of her Cabinet; come, come, my sweet, let me partake of the boundless bliss of Love.  Mrs. H. 
Let me a while consider Sir—  Sir G. L. 
Time enough to consider when we have tasted of Love's pleasing banquet, and this minute lost may be ominous for the future.—  Mrs. H. 
I ask but one days time, Sir Gregory then, let the rest be yours.  Sir G. L. 
Happy, happy I, 'tis granted Madam; one kiss, my Dear, and then I'm gone—  [kiss her. 
Oh how divinely does she kiss!  [Aside. 
So great a gift must be thus rewarded—  [Gives her a Ring. Mr. H. 
Within Wife, Sweet heart, where are you?  Mrs. H. 
Oh heavens', Sir Gregory, my Husband! should he find you here?—  Sir G. L. 
Fear nothing, Madam, the Devil can't know me in this disguise.  Mrs. H. 
He's come as I could wish— Sir Gregory, let me prevail with you to step into my Closet; for should he come and see you here, I am so young a Sinner, my guilt would quickly betray me.  Sir G. 
Do with me what you please— I wish I were well off.—  [She locks Sir G. into a Closet. Enter Mr. Hadland. Mrs. H. 
Now, my Dear, what comfort does the Law afford, shall werecover our lost Estate, or are we doomed to eternal Poverty?  Mr. H. 
'Tis past retrieve, Sweet heart,— the Fox was too subtle for us; but I am resolved to attempt something shall either end my life, or redeem our Estate—  Mrs. H. 
'Tis not thereabout yet, Husband, despair not, for I have thought upon a way which I am resolved to prosecute, and if it take effect, say once a Woman's undertaking may prosper— and we may be said to share in wit, as well as in your sorrows; but till that opportunity happens, I have a rare old Fool in Limbo, a precious vigorous Lover, of Threescore and odd, who thinks our low fortunes may make me stoop to his unlawful desires— 'tis Sir Gregory Lovemuch— see here what a precious bate his Traps are furnished with to catch distressed Virtue.—  Mr. H. 
'Tis a rich Ring— but where have you bestowed that lump of Lechery and Impotence?—  Mrs. H. 
In my Closet,— he's disguised like a Porter, do what you please with him—  [Sir G. makes a noise within, crying out, scat, scat whore— within. Sir G. L. 
Hell and the Devil, out Cats, out.  Mr. H. 
What's the matter with him—  Mrs. H. 
See if you please—  [Gives him the Key, he opens the Door— slipped aside, Sir. G. runs out— a Cat is seen. Sir G. L. 
Gad take me, Madam,— Is your Husband gone?— a confounded Spawn of the Devil has almost frighted me out of my wits; I wonder what makes people fond of Cats, when their young they are absolute Succubusses, and Witches when old— your Tabby Satan, a Pox on her, has made me impotent with her looks, and I am at present perfectly bewitched— but I shall return to morrow, sweet, with new joys and vigour, when these Charms are ended.  Mrs. H. 
Provided my Cat be not in the way—  Sir G. L. 
True, Madam,— therefore pray let me prevail that Puss and Husband may be decently removed, for the sight of either will make my Ague fit return.—  Enter Hadland, meets Sir Gregory going out. Sir G. L. 
Ha! her Husband, than world farewell, for now I shall be killed.  Mr. H. 
How no Sir, what are you?  Sir G. L. 
A poor fellow, an't please you.—  Mr. H. 
Stay friend, I must speak with you before you go.— Sweet heart— Ha, a Letter, from whence came this?—  [Snatches the Letter: Sir G. L. 
Now welcome Death— he'll discover all—  Mrs. H. 
Nay, prithee Husband restore my Letter again, 'tis from our Cousin in the City— would have me—  Mr. H. 
How in a man's hand?—  Sir G. L. 
A Plague on it, that I could not counterfeit a Woman's hand—  Mrs. H. 
One of her Apprentices writ it for her—  Mr. H. 
Do not tell me Stories— I partly know the hand; therefore will read it.—  Mrs. H. 
But there are some secrets in it which she conjures me not to let any one see—  Mr. H. 
Yet her Apprentice might write 'em— Now I am resolved to read it.—  Sir G. L. 
Now I am passed all hopes, I shall be killed for being my own Pimp— Pox on him, he's poor, consequently desperate, and undoubtedly he'll cut my Throat, that he may be hanged, and be out of his misery.  Mrs. H. 
You see, Sir Gregory, what a misfortune your stay has brought upon us.—  Sir G. L. 
Ay too late, I see Madam— were I well off of this business, the Devil should have Married Wives for me; the very thoughts of their Husbands coming up, does in the midst of Enjoyment palls the appetite so, that half the pleasure's lost.  Mr. H. 
A secret indeed, which you of all the world should have kept from me— Is this the fruits of your pretended sanctity? are all your admonitions of Patience come to this? must I be made the monster to maintain your lust, ungrateful, false Woman?— this now confirms what I too much have heard abroad, concerng you and Sir Gregory that Goat, but I shall spoil the Amore.—  [Sir G. L. endeavours to steal off. 
How now Rogue, whether so slyly— this too's the Bawd to that Sir Fisty— but I'll reward you e'er you go.—  Mrs. H. 
Upon my knees, I beg—  Mr. H. 
Rise, not a word, out of my sight, go— for fear my passion make me rashly act what I may too late repent of— prepare for the Country to go to your Relations again— for here, I Vow never to live longer with you,— out of my sight— go—  [Exit Mrs. Hadl. Sir G. L. 
Then she's my own, I'll meet her at the Coach when she is to go, take new Lodgings, and give her a false name, and the dear delights of the Town will easily prevail with her to stay and embrace my offer; besides, 'tis the Common practice of divorced Wives to have Gallants under their Husband's Noses— ha she's gone, I like not his staying.—  Mr. H. 
Now Sir, for your reward, thus I make [Beats him. acknowledgement, for I can ne'er expect to be out of your debt.  Sir G. L. 
Hold, Sir hold, oh hold, what means your Worship—  Mr. H. 
To pay you for your pains.—  Sir G. L. 
I was paid before I came Sir; there's Porter paid, writ on the Letter, Sir—  Mr. H. 
Now, Sirrah, take this and deliver it to that Dog of a Knight, or I'll cut your Throat—  Sir G. L. 
Lord Sir, do you question it Sir? I am an honourer of your Worships—  Mr. H. 
Tell him if he meets me not, he must expect to be posted for a Coward—  Sir G. L. 
Gad for give me a Challenge? very fine, what have I got, to day a dry basting, and to morrow must be run through the Lungs—  [Aside. Mr. H. 
Rogue do you grumble— take that to remember you to save your Windpipe—  Sir G. L. 
Nouns, I'll do't, I'll do't Sir.  [Exit. Enter Mrs. Hadland laughing. Mrs. H. 
Is he gone?  Mr. H. 
Yes, with a good basting, and a Challenge, which I'll undertake will keep him waking beyond the Cure of Opium for this Night—  Enter Noble. No. 
Oh Sister, cursed Luck— the Dice and Devil prove my Enemies, my last, last dear stake of ten Guinnies are flown— and now I begin to reflect on our last discourse about the Widow, is your design perfect—  Mrs. H. 
It is— take no care, for I am resolved to set all right,— and Brother, what I can spare, take and try once more, what kindness Fortune will show—  No. 
Thanks kind Girl— but still my mind runs on this damned Widow, no revenge, prithee consider Girl,—  Mrs. H. 
Leave that to my Care— for you are not like to know any thing, till I see I shall succeed—  No. 
Well, honest Soul, I leave it to thy management; but let each other exchange Prayers for our designs.  [Exit. Mrs. H. 
Now for my design, you'll be assisting.  Mr. H. 
I will—  Mrs. H. 
We'll about it then straight—  

Wit now perform, what Justice could not do;  
All ways are just, when we our Rights pursue.     


ACT II. SCENE I.  A Table. House. Mr. Gazer, Widow, Mr. Noddy. Gazer. 
Welcome, welcome Widow, to a Batchelor's house here, a single man I, but for two or three Maids that I keep.  Wid. 
Are you double with them sometimes then, Sir,—  Gaz. 
An exceeding good mourning Wit, by Capricorn—  Mr. Nod. 
I protest Widow you're a most intolerable profound witty Lady— and so I kiss your paws—  [Scrapes and Cringes. Gaz. 
Well said, Mr. Noddy.  Wid. 
I am obliged to you for your Compliment, Sir,—  Enter Sir Gregory Lovemuch. Sir G. L. 
A curse on Hadland, I shall not forget him in haste, [Shrugs. however I'm for the Widow, and will strike up the Match the sooner, that I may send into the Country for one of her Tenants Daughters— for I must have a bit of young flesh.  Gaz. 
Sir Gregory! You honour me— see our Mistress, keep her Company, whilst I step aside and look after affairs—  [Exit. Sir G. L. 
Your Servant Brother Rival— You see Widow, what power your beauty has to make Rivals Friends and embrace— as thus— Mr. Noddy, your Servant.  Noddy. 
Your Slave's slave, to the third and fourth Generation, Sir Gregory.  Wid. 
Sir Gregory you were remiss in your duty to day—  Sir G. L. 
Your pardon, your pardon Widow— but when, when will the blessed day arrive that I shall take possession of my treasure in thee, Widow?  Wid. 
In a day or two I shall make my Choice Sir Gregory, and then?—  Sir G. L. 
And then to bed Widow, ha Lady bright!— this Noddy's a very Ass, Gazer a Gull.—  Wid. 
A couple of Fops— but Sir Gregory!  Sir G. L. 
I understand you, a kiss for the Conceit sake, Widow.  Nod. 
A murrion on him, how my mouth waters— what a cursed thing is modesty.  Enter Gazer— with his Tenants. Gaz. 
If conceit will strike the stroke, have at the Widow's Plumb-tree, I'll put 'em all down for a Banquet, Widow, and Gentlemen, my Friends and Servants, I make you wait long here for a Batchelor's pitance—  Wid. 
Oh Sir, you are pleased to be modest—  Gaz. 
No by my troth Widow, you shall find me otherwise.  Music plays softly— Enter Tenants with a Banquet, Twelve Dishes with six Men, being the Twelve Signs. Wid. 
How's this? the Twelve Months for our Plates, and the Twelve Signs for our Treat,  Gaz. 
These are the signs of my Love Widow—  Wid. 
I am sorry you should be at such Charges, Sir, to feast us a whole Month together—  Gaz. 
Widow thouart welcome a month, a year, for ever to me—  Wid. 
What are those brought in the Banquet?  Gaz. 
My Tenants they stand for Fasting days.  Sir G. L. 
Or the weeks in Lent.  Gaz. 
You're in the right, Sir Gregory, sweet Widow take your place here at Aries, that's the head sign; a Widow is the head till she is married—  Wid. 
But married, what is she then?—  Gaz. 
The middle, the middle Widow— Sir Gregory Lovemuch, pray sit here at Taurus, they say y' are a good Town-Bull.  Sir G. L. 
Spare your Friends, Sir—  Gaz. 
Mr. Noddy don't fall back so— here's Gemini for you Sir; for you had two chopping Boys by your last Wife—  Noddy. 
No harm in that, Sir, the Widow may like me the better—  Wid. 
But, Sir, methinks your Signs are not perfect, your Tenants would do well to help fill the Table—  Gaz. 
By th' Mass it's true, Widow— Tenants for once sit down with your Hearts on; but spare the Meat I charge you, as you hope for new Leases, I must make my Signs draw out a month yet, with a bit every morning at breakfast, and at Full Moon with a whole one; that's restorative, sit round, sit round, and do not speak good Tenants, You may be bold enough, so you eat but little: How like you this, Widow?—  Wid. 
It shows well, Sir—  Gaz. 
By my troth, Widow, I'm sick that day my Table's empty; I wish some Guest or other to fill that gap there—  Wid. 
Indeed the Feet for want of covering may catch cold, and then the head will quickly feel it—  Gaz. 
Why then you may draw up your Legs and lie rounder together.  Sir G. L. 
In troth, Madam, my Neighbour's a Notable Wagg—  Wid. 
His Wit increases with his eating.  Enter Mrs. Hadland in Man's clothes, comes in singing. Mrs. Hadland disguised like her Servingman. Mrs. H. 
Gentlemen, your Servants.  Gaz. 
Another Suitor? then Pisces will be covered.  Mrs. H. 
Madam, you'll pardon my Intrusion; I heard your mirth, and thought a sober Gentleman might be admitted to partake—  Wid. 
There needs no excuse, Sir, and with that Gentleman's leave I entreat you to sit and do as we do.  Gaz. 
Young Gentleman pray sit, You're heartily welcome by Ceres.  Wid. 
Pray make room for the Gentleman—  Gaz. 
Sit still Tenants, I'll call in all your Old Leases, and wrack you else.  Mrs. H. 
Sirrah, Take my Hat and Sword—  Wid. 
Then Sir, you mean he shall sit as he comes?  Gaz. 
ay, and he were a Lord he shall not sit above my Tenants, I'll not have two Lords to 'em; so I may look for my Rent in another man's breeches.  Mrs. H. 
Gentlemen sit still, I'll disturb no body, but here take my fortune—  [Sits down at the lower end o'th' Table: Gaz. 
If you love Fish, pray fall too, Sir; had you come sooner, you might happened among some of the Flesh signs, but now they are all taken up; Virgo had been a good Dish for you, had not one of my Tenants been somewhat too busy with her.  Mrs. H. 
I'm extremely pleased with my Fortune here, Sir, 'tis the conceited'st Banquet I ever met with—  Sir G. L. 
What say you to a bit of Taurus?  Mrs. H. 
The Bull's too rank for me—  Sir G. L. 
How Sir?  Mrs. H. 
Too rank, Sir? does it offend you?  Sir G. L. 
Forbear, or I shall strike you as dumb as your watery Kindred—  Mrs. H. 
With your heels or horns?  Sir G. L. 
Perhaps with both—  Mrs. H. 
It must be when I am asleep then.  Mr. H. 
It's a brave Girl, and nobly managed.  [Aside. Gaz. 
Hold Gentlemen, for the sake of Mankind let not the Planets fall out; for if they destroy one another, what a world of abortive births, we shall have— Sirrah, run and fetch my Sun Cupp, his Beams shall disperse these clouds of Contention.  Wid. 
Sir, I make it my request to you, to sit—  Mrs. H. 
Madam, you are obeyed—  Wid. 
Each look I take increases my desires, such charms I never saw before; and should he not be a Servant, my hopes will be all defeated.  [Aside. Gaz. 
How is't Widow? Gentlemen cheer up, fair weather in all Quarters; the Sun will rise anon, I've sent for him— Oh here he comes— Sing sirrah, sing the Song I gave you.  Enter a Servant with a great Cup like the Sun. 

Man sings.  

1.  
COme fill to the brim, for the Sun does go round,  
And visits the World in a day;  
Our glass is our Sun,  
Through our World he does run,  
And each little drop is a Ray.   

2.  
As the Sun with his Rays does ripen the Earth,  
And guild all the World with his Light;  
So powerful Wine  
Our Wits does refine,  
And ripens our Joys to delight.    Gaz. 
Now fill it to the Widow—  Wid. 
What's here a Sun?  Gaz. 
It does betoken, Madam, a cheerful day to some body.  Wid. 
Gentlemen, my Service to ye all; for ye know the Sun must go through the Twelve Signs—  [She drinks. Gaz. 
Most witty Widow, you jump with my Conceit; there's not a hair between us.  Wid. 
Give it Sir Gregory.  Sir G. L. 
I am the next through whom the Golden flame must shine, the poor Feet there must wait and cool a while.  Mrs. H. 
My time will come, Sir—  Gaz. 
So round it goes— Fill it him again, Sirrah—  Nodd. 
Filled me? why I drank last, Sir.  Gaz. 
I know you did, but Gemini must drink twice, unless you mean that one of 'em should be choked.  [Noddy drinks again. Nod. 
Well Mr. Gazer, you're a merry Man—  Wid. 
Fly from my heart all variable thoughts; she that's enticed by every pleasing object, shall find small Pleasure, and as little Rest— [Aside. Sir Gregory Lovemuch—  Mrs. H. 
With your pardon, Madam, is this Sir Gregory, Lovemuch?  Sir G. L. 
I am, Sir, I dare own my name—  Mrs. H. 
There's a rank Villain bears that name; are you of that Family, Sir?  Sir G. L. 
How, Sir?  Mrs. H. 
Nay Sir, by Heaven stit still— leave roaring, I intent anon to bait you—  Gaz. 
Yet again? if you love me Gentlemen, let's have no roaring here— If I had thought of this, I'd have sent my Bull to the Bear-Garden.  Mrs. H. 
Sirrah, commend my Love and Service to the Widow, desire her Ladyship to taste that Morsel—  Lays Sir G. L. Letter on a Trencher, and Mrs. H. carries it to the Widow. Mr. H. 
This is the Bit I watched for all this while.  [Aside. Sir G. 
And wherein has this name of mine offended, that you are so liberal of your infamous Titles? I am a stranger to thee, but it must be known Sir, ere we two part—  Mrs. H. 
And good reason Sir— I don't intend to end so calmly with you; for my precious Sir, I design to cut your Throat.  Wid. 
Oh strike me dead! what's here— this should be your hand, Sir Gregory.  Sir G. L. 
Undoubtedly, 'tis one of the Letters I sent to you, Widow.  Wid. 
Much good may do ye Gentlemen—  [Rises. Nod. 
Niggers, noggers, what ails the Widow—  Gaz. 
The Widow paints White, some Aqua Coelestis there, quickly—  Wid. 
Oh Treachery unmatched, unheard of Villainy!  Sir G. 
How do you, Madam?—  Wid. 
O impudence! does my Disease ask how I do? can it torment my heart, and look with a fresh colour in my face?  Sir G. 
What means the Widow?  Gaz. 
What qualm is this, Madam? I hope my Ram does not stick in your stomach.  Wid. 
No, but an Old Lecherous Goat, a false Villain does— He that would know a Villain when he meets him, let him look here; Here is a Glass will reflect his perfect Character— Oh thou preserver of my state, pray tell me, Sir, [To Mrs. Low.. that I may pay you all my Thanks together, what blessed accident brought that Letter to your hand, which has been long kept secret from me in my Enemy's power?  Mrs. H. 
Please you to retire, Madam, I shall unfold this Riddle—  Wid. 
Thou Basilisk to Virtue out of my sight, and ne'er come near me more— Gentlemen pray come in and partake of a Story which may prove beneficial to you—  Mrs. H. Wid. Exeunt. Gaz. and Nod. 
We follow, Madam—  Nod. 
Niggars, Sir, why don't you budge?— s'heart thrust him out.  Gaz. 
Out of my doors thou treacherous Fox—  Sir G. 
All Curses scatter you—  [Exit. Gaz. 
Do you thunder? if you had stayed I'd have made bold to have ripped out some of my Bull out of your belly again—  Noddy. 
Now for the Widow, since the Knights removed, I am resolved to get drunk, infuse confidence, be very rude, and then they say a Widow will yield.  Gaz. 
Come, Brother Rival, let us to the Widow, and learn of her what Treachery this is—  [Exeunt. Mr. H. 
Thus far my Wife's designs are successful; now to my Charge, I must find out her Brother, and bring him hither to my Wife; what she intends I know not.  [Exit.  

SCENE the Second.  Sam. Sam. 
My designs work rarely! well, if I go on and prosper, my Statute, when I die, shall be set up in Brass with an Inscription, Here lies the Machiavelli of Love Intrigues— The two Young Blades are close at it on a wrong scent, whilst the Old Men are ready to dissolve with joy.  Enter Sir Oliver with a Dutch Boy. Sir O. 
Oh come, come, are you there, Sir?—  Sam. 
Life! what's the matter now?  [Aside. Sir O. 
There's a new Reckoning come in since I saw you last.  Sam. 
Pox on't, I thought all had been paid, I hate after-reckoning.  [Aside. Sir O. 
Pray come near Sir, let's be acquainted with you—  Sam. 
You honour me too much, Sir.—  Sir O. 
Sirrah, You're impudence is great, nay you have been bold enough too with my purse abroad, if I am rightly informed; by Gogmagog if it be true, I'll have thee hanged, drawn and quartered.  Sam. 
Who, I bold with your purse, Sir?  Sir O. 
Yes you Sirrah— did not you bring me word about Ten Weeks since, my Wife was dead?  Sam. 
Yes, true Sir, very true Sir.  Sir O. 
Pray stay, Saucebox, and hear me out; and did not you likewise say, That with the Money I sent to defray my Wife's Charges, she being, as you did aver, dead, you brought home my Daughter, whom by accident you met with at Antwerp?  Sam. 
Right as can be, Sir, I never found your Worship in a false Tale yet.  Sir O. 
I thank you for your good word, Sir; but I'm like to find your Worship in two at once.  Sam. 
I should be sorry to hear that, Sir.—  Sir O. 
I believe you Sir— within this month my Wife was alive (which a Dutch Merchant, Father to this Boy who was just now with me, will justify), so there's six Weeks of your Ten abated.  Sam. 
Strange! how men are grown to lying; that it is false, I'll justify it with my life, Sir: I'm sure, poor Lady, I dropped a Tear over her Grave; so did my Young Master too— if this Merchant were here, I'd tell him to his face that he wears a double Tongue; that is, Dutch and English— will the Boy say it, Sir?—  Sir O. 
Yes that he would, could you understand him; for he speaks nothing but Dutch.  Sam. 
All the better, I'll gabble something to him— [Aside Hoiste kaloiste kalooskin se vou, Dar Zun alla gaskin?  [To the Boy. D. Boy. 
Ick wet neat watt bey zackt, Ick unverston ewe neat.  Sam. 
I thought as much—  Sir O. 
What says the Boy?  Sam. 
He says his Father is troubled with an imperfection at one time of the Moon—  Sir O. 
Does the Boy say so?  Sam. 
I knew there was something in't— your Wife alive! will you believe all Tales, Sir?  Sir O. 
But Sir he told me he saw this Wench you brought home, at Antwerp in an Inn: he tells me I am plainly cozened, and that she's not my Daughter.  Sam. 
All's discovered— how Sir, not your Daughter? I must to't again.  
Quisquivikin Sadlamara alla pisskickin sows clows, hoff tofte le cumbershaw, bouns buss boxseeno.  D. Boy. 
Ick an sawth no in't hein clappon de heeke, I dinke ute zein zennon.  Sam. 
Oh ho! zein zennon! I thought I should find it out at haste; The Boy says they never came near Antwerp, but a quite contrary way, round about by— Parnia.  Sir O. 
What means he by Zein Zennon, Sam?  Sam. 
That is, he saw no such Wench in an Inn; 'tis well I came so opportunely to get it out of the Boy before his Father comes: pray be wary Sir, the World is subtle, come and pretend a charitable business, merely to work out a piece of money on you.  Sir O. 
Mass art advised of that?  Sam. 
The Age is cunning, Sir; besides, a Dutchman will live upon any ground, and work Butter out of a Thistle.  Sir O. 
Troth thou says true in that; they're the best thrivers in Turnips, Cabidges, and Artichokes, our English are not like 'em.  Sam. 
Oh fie Sir, when the Treat that a Statesman of Holland gives, would either choke or starve an English man, dried Stockfish, pickled Herring, or the like, Sir.—  Sir O. 
Sam. ask him from whence they came when they came hither.  Sam. 
That I will, Sir— Culluaron lagooso, lageen, lagan, rufft, punkatee.  D. Boy. 
Nime aweigh de cack.  Sam. 
What, what? I cannot blame him then.  Sir O. 
What says he to thee?  Sam. 
The poor Boy blushes for him, he tells me his Father came from making merry with certain of his Countrymen, and he's a little steeped in English Beer; there's no heed to be taken of his Tongue now.  Sir O. 
Why this is strange, how camest thou by all this? the Devil take me if I heard him speak above three words to you.  Sam. 
Oh Sir, the Dutch is a very wide Language, you shall have Ten English words go to the Explaining of one Dutch— As for example, Gulldergoose— there's a word for you, Master.  Sir O. 
Why what is that same— Gull— Gull— Gulldergoose, ha?  Sam. 
The English is— How do you and all your Generation?  Sir O. 
Why 'tis impossible, 'tis impossible, man—  Sam. 
Thus I prove it by the Explanation, Sir,— Gull— how do you? der, and; Goose,— your Generation.  Sir O. 
Methinks the Language is a little saucy— Goose, my generation— quoth a? but sirrah, how came you to understand Dutch so well?  Sam. 
By going to fetch home my Young Mistress, Sir, we had in our Company a Young Frokin, who taught us it in a trice, Sir.—  Sir O. 
What in a month's time?  Sam. 
I'll undertake, Sir, in a Fortnight's time you shall speak as good Dutch as any Native of Holland, if you would learn, Sir— I shall be tripped anon— pox on't would I were fairly off—  [Aside. 
I'll go seek out your Son, Sir; You shall hear what Thunder he'll bring with him—  Sir. O. 
Do so, for I le have ye all face to face—  Sam. 
Cuds me what Else, Sir,— If you take me so near the Net again, I le give you leave to wring my Neck off— I am come off fairly: We are undone in Dutch, all our Three months' Rognery is come over in a Butter-Firkin.  [Exit. Sir O. 
By Gogmagog an intricate business this; I am so lost between two Tales, I know not which to trust,— The Boy is the likeliest to tell truth; for he is not yet old enough to understand iniquity— but then why should the Father tell me a lie, he gets nothing, certainly expects nothing; but by my troth if he does expect, he gets nothing of me, and so much good may it do him— but however, I'll in and examine the business further—  [Beckons the Dutch Boy. [Exeunt.   


ACT III. SCENE I.  Mrs. Hadland and her Man— Husband. Mrs. H. 
I Have sent in to the Widow—  Mr. H. 
Thou pliest thy business close— the Coast is clear yet— that was a good surprise you put upon Sir Gregory—  Mrs. H. 
I found him the sensiblest Fool of the three to whom the Widow was inclined; therefore aught to be removed— be sure, Husband, to stand Sentinel, and let me have warning when they come, and I'll rout 'em all—  Mr. H. 
I'm gone my Witty Sweet—  [Exit. Enter Servant. Servant. 
My Lady, Sir, begs your pardon for making you wait, and she will be with you so soon as she has dispatched some of her Tenants come from Kent.  Mrs. H. 
Thank you Sir, 'tis fit I should attend her leisure.  [Servant Exit. 
Those were my Tenants once, but what relief now; yet ere we part, Widow, I shall have full revenge— Your heart is mine already, and when the whole Cargoes in my power, I'll hoist my sails, and with my streams playing in the Air, make to the blessed Harbour of repose—  Enter Mr. Hadland. Mr. H. 
Wife, the pair of Fools are come just now lighted out of the Coach,—  Mrs. H. 
Now to your duty— for I shall deal a little roughly with you, but you must not take it ill; for my obedience is in my Pettycoat Pocket, and not about me at present.  Mr. H. 
Use me as you please—  Mrs. H. 
I hear 'em coming— help me a little— Now step back and be very ceremonious— Where be those Fellows, who looks out there? Is there ne'er a Rascal She pulls off Hat, Crevat, Garters, and makes as if dressing herself. in the way to conduct the Gentlemen in— I find I am like to be finely served among ye, but I shall set a new face on the house ere it be long— how sneakingly do you stand there: but I shall make you fly to receive and execute Commands, before I have done.  [Beats Mr. H. Enter Noddy. Nod. 
This is most insupportable! what beating your Man! hold Sir, what mean you?—  Noddy goes to keep Mrs. H. from beating, and she beats him. Mrs. H. 
I beg your pardon— Gentlemen your Servant— Sirrah call your Mistress, tell her I wonder she stays so long? Gentlemen you must pardon womens' frailties, their decking and trimming themselves, make 'em often commit such rudeness.  Nodd. 
How's this? nay then we are choosed— and I have spent both time and money to a fair end—  Star. 
What a new Lord in the Widow's house?— would I were fairly off; for I'll lay my life he has struck the Widow in a fair Planet— let me see, let me see— Venus in Cauda? then 'tis too true, for that's a damned Lecherous Planet.  Noddy. 
Sir, Your Servant—  [Offers to go. Mrs. H. 
By my faith you shall not stir till you have seen Isabel, make haste and desire your Mistress to come down—  Mrs. H. 
She desires to be excused, Sir, the Milliner has brought Gloves to show her—  Star. 
How plain Isabel? Then I know how the world goes, ay, ay, too true, he has Isbell d her— a Pox on these Widows, there's no trust in 'em—  Mrs. H. 
They are galled— the Rogues begin to sneak—  Noddy. 
Come, let us steal off, and take no notice of him, for he'll jeer us to death should we stay— Love is not by desert, but such fluttering half-witted Hectoring Blades are the only taking men with you buxom Widows— come away.  Mrs. H. 
What, Gentlemen are you for the Wine-Cellar?— Sirrah conduct 'em down, by that time you have drank your Morning's draught Isabel will be ready—  Noddy. 
Spare your Wine Sir, I beseech you— for since the Widow is disposed of— we have no business here.  Gaz. 
I'll see the Wine in a Drunkard's shoe first, and drink't after he has brewed it— Hang her, let her go, she's fitted i'faith; a proud domineering young Coxcomb— he'll quickly rattle her bones, and go to Dice with her Money, or at least pick up some common Orange-wench, set up her Coach, gay clothes, teach her to confront his Wife, and laugh Modesty out of Countenance, or I have no skill in Astrology; if he is so saucy now to call her plain Isabel, she'll be Bitch and Whore before a Month comes about—  [Noddy and Star Exeunt. Mr. H. 
They have given you the slip—  Mrs. H. 
Hang 'em— there are three rubs past— and now for the Widow. Thus like a younger Brother I'll begin my fortune, put on impudence, talk wantonly,— and ruffle her lustily.  Mr. H. 
But if she should yield, what then—  Mrs. H. 
Well considered, to prevent that, you must step in most officiously, and interrupt us— but she's coming—  Mr. H. 
Adieu witty Wife, and I le be sure to stand sentinel.  [Exit. Enter Widow. Mrs. H. 
My life, my Dear!  [Runs to her and Embraces her. Widd. 
I fear I have tired your patience with my long stay Sir—  Mrs. H. 
Who would not be devout, and out-wait patience, when such a Heaven is the reward— but Widow, you're indebted to me—  Widd. 
As how, I pray—  Mrs. H. 
I love you Widow; nay, laugh not, for I expect return, or look to yourself, for I'm resolved to sue thee in Cupid's Court, and there I know what decree will pass—  Widd. 
But if I would compound, pray Sir, what will satisfy?  Mrs. H. 
The endless enjoying thy sweet self, Widow, nothing less—  Widd, 
So by compounding a small Debt I may run into a greater—  Mrs. H. 
Your credit will be the better, there's many a young Blade would give you half the purchase to trust you,— nay, and pay use for it.  Widd. 
Some of those roaring Bawdy talking young fellows would be idle, were it for such interest.  Mrs. H. 
Then 'tis a match— Come Widow, short service, a kiss and to bed, for I am desperately hungry i'faith—  Widd. 
You're in great haste, Sir—  Mrs. H. 
Troth Widow, I have an excellent stomach— and to provoke thine; know, that my kisses are Virgins, embraces perfect, strength solid, love constant, but to come to the point, all ecstasy, rapture!  Wid. 
Since you value yourself on your honesty, I'll put you to't Sir,— Will you swear you never knew Woman—  Mrs. H. 
By all that's good, and by thy sweet self I swear, that never as Man I ever yet knew Woman— but if we do not agree, faith Madam, I expect you keep it secret, for it may spoil my future being; for a sober man is more ridiculous in this Age, than he was prized in the last—  Wid. 
How his mein and wit surprise me— Well, I find I shall love him; for I am very apt to believe what he says—  Mrs. H. 
Are you considering whether you may believe me or not, Madam— then take altogether— for I add further, that you are the first Widow, Maid, or Wife I ever made love to—  Wid. 
There's ne'er a Jury of young Women in Town that were to view you, but would be inclined to find you guilty— therefore, Sir, I am apt to believe there is some secret reason, and not Devotion keeps you from it—  Mrs. H. 
None by Heaven— I kept it in reserve for thee—  Wid. 
For Me, Sir?—  Mrs. H. 
Where can I bestow it better—  [Sings and rumples the Widow. Wid. 
What means this insolence and rudeness, Sir?  Mrs. H. 
Fie, Widow, fie, 'tis pleasing violence, that begets delight.  Wid. 
I'll call my Servants, Sir,—  Mrs. H. 
Do, and I le use thee ten times worse even before witness, and then thou art my own Widow— Come, come, dear, sweet, inticeing Widow, we must withdraw— we must i'faith, now, now, or never Widow.  Enter Mr. Hadland. Mr. H. 
Does your Worship call?  Mrs. H. 
Pox on you Dog, are you peeping?  [Throws her Hat at him. 
Thanks good Tom, thou camest in the critical Minute  [Aside. Wid. 
But Sir, let us breathe a while, what Encouragement have I given you to make you thus confident and forward, Sir?—  Mrs. H. 
Love, powerful resistless Love— you see what Madmen you Women make us— Come, Madam, few words, kind consent and no Ceremonies are most pleasing—  Wid. 
Well, I cannot withstand, for I begin to grow as impatient as he is, within there who waits?—  [Enter Mr. Hadl. 
If Mr. Gazer and Noddy are below, bring 'em up.—  Mrs. H. 
I've lost my Widow, I fear, there are but two ways that I know, which leads to a Widow's bed; they are, Wealth and Impudence— Now if I have took the wrong, how I shall curse myself; here they are, now love if it be thy will.  [Aside. Enter Gazer and Noddy. Wid. 
Gentlemen, you're welcome, I am now fully resolved to choose one of ye here, let me see— but first, Mr. Gazer, you are a judicious Astrological Person, do the Stars smile to day? if not, I will defer my choice.  Gaz. 
Let me see— Oh the best time in the world, Madam; for just now Mars being Lord of the Ascendant, is entering into the house of Venus— about three Minutes three quarters after Eleven this morning—  Wid. 
That's well— and Mr. Noddy, your judgement of that person walking there, what think you of him.  Nodd. 
What I think?— Why I think he's well made, has a airy mein, I believe he has a pretty Judgement, for his Trimings and clothes are not very contemptible— but I believe he's a Whoremaster, for he has notable waggish Eyes.  Wid. 
Then bear all witness, this is the Man whom I have chose to be my Husband— and ye will infinitely oblige me if you come to my Wedding, and so your Servants.  [Exit.] [Mrs. H. struts and Sings. Nod. Gaz. 
The Devil go with you—  Gaz. 
I ne'er suspected my Almanac till now.  Mrs. H. 
Now Gentlemen, I can give you a true invitation and welcome, before 'twas but a flourish; but you see Fortune will be the bold Adventurers friend—  Gaz. 
That I should overlook this damned Eclipse of the Moon, which was this morning, though not visible to us; but I wish it may have power here, and by a forked Influence, make him beat her, she Cuckold him, he turn her out of Doors, and with her Estate maintain a Whore—  [To Noddy. Nod. 
Amen say I,— Sir, your Servant, your Servant.  [Gaz. Nod. Exeunt. Mrs. H. 
A fair riddance of a brace of Fools.  Mr. H. 
But see your Brother's come—  Mrs. H. 
I intent to set his wit to work.  Enter Noble. Mr. H. 
Sir, this is my Master.—  Nob. 
You see, Sir, I have obeyed your Summons sent me by your man, and now I would know your pleasure?  Mrs. H. 
Thus receive your welcome, Sir,— and now I have a request to you.  Nob. 
Name it, Sir, if it consists with honour, and within my power you may conclude it granted Sir—  
'Tis for your Sister's sake I make it.  Nob. 
You have named the dearest friend I have, and I can deny nothing is desired in her Name.  Mrs. H. 
'Tis this, that you would honour my Wedding, which is to be to Morrow, with some small entertainments of your wit— and you are void of all Excuses; for I have been an ear witness of your Sisters frequent commendations of your parts.  Nob. 
You oblige me with the Injunction; Is it with the Lady of this house you Marry, Sir?—  Mrs. H. 
The same—  Nob. 
Then I must recall my promise Sir—  Mrs. H. 
Your reason,—  Nob. 
Her last Husband was an extorting Villain, and has undone our Family, and now enjoys what is mine and my Sisters due.  Mrs. H. 
But Sir, for her sake, comply for once— She shall not know who you are, but shall be obliging to you— and your Sister too to my knowledge will give you thanks.  Nob. 
You have prevailed, Sir—  Mrs. H. 
Pray Sir, be pleased to walk in, that, I may recommend you to my Wife that must be—  Nob. 
I wait on you, Sir,— Now if I should in my Sister's absence strike up the Widow— Gad I'll try— and this will be a good opportunity to attempt it.  [Exeunt. Enter Sanders, Clarina. Sand. 
Madam, I pity your misfortune, and if there be any thing wherein I can serve you, you may command it.  Cla. 
You are all obliging, Sir,— My Husband is now below, trying what he can do with his Mother, who is unexpectedly arrived, after being reported to have been dead two years—  Sand. 
That was a contrivance of my Friend Santloes, occasioned by your Beauty, which had such an Influence over him, that he ventured a Father's Anger to oblige his Passion—  Enter P. Santlow, Sam. P. S. 
Oh friend, Fortune begins once more to smile upon my Actions, and has favoured me in this last Enterprise beyond my wish—  Sand. 
As how— Prithee inform us, that we may partake your joys—  P. S. 
Honest Sam—  Sam. 
Who helps a lame Dog o'er the Style as well as the best.  P. S. 
Put me upon persuading my Mother to make my Father believe, that my dear Wife here is my Sister; but the reason she knows not—  Sam. 
And my Mistress, like a kind overjoyed Mother to see her white Boy, most readily consented,— so that, Madam, if you at last should not be well gifted by Nature, as the rest of Females are, with Dissimulation, all our designs are spoiled, and you must trudg to Antwerp again; for as sure as death, my old Master will turn ye both out of Doors.—  Cla. 
'Tis an hard task for me, however I'll endeavour, what is't I would not undergo, or suffer, for my dear Husband's sake—  P. S. 
They are coming— Now Sweet heart carry thyself— bravely now— and let fortune do her worst— for we are for ever happy.  Sam. 
I'll withdraw—  [Exit. Enter Sir O. Santlow, Lady Santlow. Sir O. 
And have I thee in my Arms again? Look see, I weep for Joy— had I my Daughter too; but the Dutch Merchant told me the thing I have of their bringing over was a Servant in Antwerp, and not my Child—  La. S. 
They cannot deceive me, Sir, let me see her, and I shall soon discover their cheat, if it be one— Now heart hold, and let my tongue for once belie thee—  [Aside. P. S. 
Take courage Love—  Cla. 
Lass how I tremble!—  Sir O. 
See there, Sweet heart, what a piece of flesh they have brought me, that is the creature would be my supposed Daughter; but by Gogmagog, if she is a Cheat, I'll have her stripped and whipped through every Parish, and cross the Seas till she arrives to her old Kitchen at Antwerp again.  La. S. 
Bless her Eternal Powers! my life, my comfort, and my nine years' grief; but now my joys, thrice welcome to thy Mother's arms, 'tis she, my Daughter— receive your Child, and thank Heaven for her wonderful restoration—  Sir O. 
What, what's this?  P. S. 
Kind Mother— I shall love Dissimulation for thy sake, who would not, that heard thee swear, conclude this not Counterfeit.—  [Aside. Sir O. 
My Daughter! it cannot be— no, no, I shall ne'er believe it—  Sam. 
Down on your knees—  [Aside to Cla. La. S. 
Rise into my bosom, and receive a Mother's blessing.  Sir O. 
Soft Wife, soft, have a care how you place your blessing; for the Dutch Merchant who came over with you, affirmed, he saw her a Servant at an Inn in Antwerp—  La. S. 
She was so, Sir,— I often saw her there; but seeing she had acquired to an honest way of living, I would not disturb her rest by discovering her misfortunes— forgive me truth, if I abuse thee with a false story, since 'tis to preserve mutual love betwixt an injured Father, and beloved Son.  Sir O. 
Daughter Clarina! Let me kiss thee wench— This unexpected joy has forced tears, and my heart's so full with this surprise, I know not what to say— My joys are now complete, and this days happiness has countervailed all my past years of sorrow for my long lost dearest Wife, and Daughter—  
Mr. Sanders here, by Gogmagog, the Girl is yours.  Sand. 
I'm proud of this mighty present, Sir, and thus I hug it as Misers do their Gold.  P. S. 
I hope, Sir, I may be once more credited.  Sir O. 
Honest, honest Son, I have wronged thy faith; but thou wilt pardon me, I hope; old men are apt to suspect Youth for Wags, that was the reason.  Sam. 
Now I may securely venture my head out of my Covert.  [Aside. Sir O. 
Where's Sam: that honest merry fellow? I must have his pardon too.  Sam. 
Look you Sir, I am very merciful, good natured, and prone to forgive; and to show that I have no malice in my heart, if you have another Wife or Daughter to find, and Money to spend, I shall be very ready to serve you, Sir—  Sir O. 
Come hither, Sirrah, let me hug thee, and take my Curse from your Knave's Shoulders.  Sam. 
For heavens' sake do, Sir, I feel it on my blade here, your Curse is at least ten Stone weight, and a pound over, Sir.  Sir O. 
I'll do thee right Boy, I ne'er knew thee but speak honest English, marry in Dutch, I found thee a knave lately.  Sam. 
That was only to hold you in play, Sir, till further proofs came over.  Sir O. 
By Gogmagog, I love a harmless wit with my life— Well, 'tis my Girl, methinks her Eyes, Nose and Mouth strangely resemble her Mothers there— ay, ay, 'tis she, and there's an end; however I'll try further— Wife, Wife, prithee now kiss me, do I say—  [La. S. Kisses him. 
Clarina, be obedient, and come and buss your Father— [Kisses her. Very good, 'tis so, now I'll swear 'tis she; for they have both the same way of kissing too; now Wife, since I find that my Daughter is my Daughter, I'll prosecute my first intention, and this Gentleman shall have her for his Wife.  Sand. 
I am proud of the honour, Sir,—  Sir O. 
Observe Wife, observe, he is one that handles his Tongue as well as most men, a very Genteil Person, and as pretty a Spark as e'er made love, or kept Miss, I le say that for him— I'll be sworn by his looks no one would take him for an Eunuch—  [Aside. Sam. 
My design succeeds as I could wish—  [Aside. Sir O. 
Nay, I have not forgot my Son too, for I have found a Wife for him, it is the Widow Landwels Niece, the Daughter of old Morley lately dead, her own fortune, it's true, is none of the greatest; but her Aunt questionless will give her a swinging Blessing when she dies; it is the same Maid Eugenia, that was Nursed with our Clarina; well, it is a pretty creature by Gogmagog, she's a Nosegay of Beauty and sweet Conditions, how say you to't— Boy— ha?—  P. S. 
The Blessing will be greater than I could ever have expected, Sir,—  La. S. 
What fortune was this! that I should come so opportunely to see my happiness completed in the Marriage of my two Children.  Sir O. 
Well thought on Wife, I had almost forgot, we are invited to the Widow's Wedding, with a bold brisk young Spark that has clapped her on board i'faith— Do you and your Daughter put on your Hoods and Scarfs, and we'll expect you below in the Parlour; come, Mr. Sanders, come along with me—  [Exeunt. Manent Peter Santloe, Clarina, La. Santloe, Sam. P. S. 
Oh Mother, I am so transported with those new Joys, you kindly have created, I know not which way to begin to pay my Duty.  La. S. 
But Son, the more I look on her, the more thy Sister runs in my mind.  P. S. 
Perhaps she's like her, that will carry on the Cheat the better, Madam.  La. S. 
I must examine her— of what Country and Parentage are you?  Cla. 
Of England, Madam,— and many are the afflictions I have undergone— so that my Parentage I have forgot—  La. S. 
If it will not renew your sorrows, give us a small relation of what has past.  Cla. 
So much as my memory will give me leave— for I was not above seven years old when my Mother carried me beyond Sea, which was about ten years since, with a design to put me into a Nunnery; but by the way to Antwerp, we met with Robbers, who stripped us, conveyed me from my Mother into a Wood; but they having committed several Outrages, were pursued by Soldiers, so they left me, and I wandering about, came at last to Antwerp, and was received by the Mistress of an Inn, where I continued a Servant till this Gentleman persuaded me to come to England.  La. S. 
Oh my blessed fortune! my dearest Child, thrice welcome to my Arms—  Sam. 
'Slife if this should prove his Sister now—  [Aside. P. S. 
Look you Mother, my Father's gone— now you may be plain—  La. S. 
I am sorry he is— but I'll haste to him to confirm what before I only for your sake averred, but did not then know the truth.  P. S. 
But I hope you are not in earnest Mother, that it is my Sister.  La. S. 
Witness Heaven it is your Sister—  P. S. 
Hold, hold, good Mother— Kill not your Son— Why I am in love with her Mother, and have made her my Wife.  La. S. 
But now your love must end as to Marriage, and with a Brother's Eyes you must look upon her— Come Daughter, let us go down to your Father, who shall redouble his joys when he shall know the Truth—  Cla. 
heavens'! I love him so, I could wish myself any thing but his Sister— farewell for ever Love, since thus I am deceived in my first desires.  [Exeunt. P. S. 
My Sister, that Northern blast has nipped my blooming joys— must all my Courtship, Expense and Constancy, ay, Constancy, Sam. be jilted by the resurrection of a long lost Sister.  Sam. 
A Pox on her, say I, she was ever a cross Brat when she was young, and now she has lived in spite to cross your love.  P. S. 
It cannot be my Sister— for I find no alteration in me, I am in good temper, and my mind's not shook at that dreadful name of Sister— therefore I am certain there is some damned riddle in't, which we cannot at present expound.  Sam. 
To make us wise enough, Sir, let us to the Widow's Wedding, drink briskly, and then with nodding gravity unsold this mystery if it be one.  P. S. 
Agreed—  

Tho Love was cruel, Fortune has been kind,  
Since I, a Sister in a Mistress, find.     


ACT IV, SCENE I.  Enter Sir Gregory Lovemuch, Gazer, Noddy, Noble. Nob. 
COme Gentlemen, since you are pleased to honour me with acting my little Essay of fancy, please you to retire and dress, for they are ready to enter.  Sir G. 
Worthy Sir, we follow you—  Nob. 
I shall attend you within.  [Exit. Gaz. 
By Mercury, a neat contrivance, Sir Gregory I applaud your wit.  Noddy. 
'tis a profound device, an extravagant fancy, and an insupportable design; and Sir Gregory, I am in an intolerable Consternation of your Penicranium—  Sir G. 
This will be a brave opportunity to affront her for deceiving us— are all perfect in their parts, Rail and spare not, for that is all that we are like to have for our Expenses on the Jilting Widow.  Gaz. 
I am ready in mine—  Nod. 
And mine is in Capite.  Sir G. 
Let us in to dress then— Widow, look too't, we'll all your scorns repay.  Gaz. 
Your Sun of Joys shall be Eclipsed to day.  Nod. 
Your Market shall be marred too, as they say—  [Exeunt. Enter Sanders, P. Santloe, Clarina, Eugenia. P. S. 
But prithee tell me, art thou in earnest, my Sister?  Cla. 
So our ill fate will have it, but so much I love, that I could wish I were not.  P. S. 
Pox on Kindred— like noble Savage, I would range and choose my Mistress where I pleased— now must sacred Love be curbed, and pleasures lost, and all long of dull fantastic Law.  Cla. 
We must submit, for Reason tells us it would be a Sin, should we pursue our Love—  Sand. 
Friend, I can but pity thy misfortunes in losing of a Mistress, but must congratulate your Joys in finding of a Sister. Now, fair Eugenia, shall I at last receive the fair reward for all my Constancy? speak kindly, and return my love with yours— and then I'm happy—  P. S. 
Faith Madam, yield— do not cast away a handsome proper man, for so small a toy; my Sister here has been more kind to me, than hitherto you have proved to him—  Euge. 
My Aunts to rule my fate, and I must choose a Husband with her liking, I'll make it known to her, and if she approves of it, Heaven knows, I can enjoy no greater happiness— for without blushing, I confess, I love—  Sand. 
Oh my kind Saint!  P. S. 
Sanders, to your Post, see where they come— But dost hear, prithee do not make love to her, for by Heaven, though she's my Sister, I shall grow wondrous Jealous, and consequently quarrelsome.  [Sand. goes to Cla. P. S. to Eug.— Enter the Widow as Married to Mrs. Hadland, Sir O. Santloe, Lady Santloe, Mr. Hadland as a Servingman, and Attendants. Wid. 
Come my long wished for Lady, your happy return is a second feast to me.  Mrs. H. 
You're all most freely welcome—  Sir O. 
We thank you, Sir—  Mrs. H. 
But is my Brother, do you say, so much in love with my Widow?  [Too Mr. H. Mr. H. 
I overheard him but now complaining on his destiny that should make him so desperately in love with your Enemy, that I thought he would have rebelled against himself, there's such a mighty feud between the two old Enemies in his Breast, Love and Honour.  Mrs. H. 
Lass poor man— I wish he had my place to day, he is abler than I to perform the duty that belongs to a young Widow.  [Music Sounds. Mrs. H. 
Come Gentlemen, pray sit— that worthy friend of yours, Madam, is pleased to entertain us for a while, and now I suppose they are ready to enter—  [They seat themselves. Enter Noble. Nob. 
Madam, here you may beforehand read the Argument of what I do design— Now Love, prove but so kind to inspire her with an equal slame, make her a true Widow, and my young Spark I shall soon graced on your Stock—  [Aside. Wid. 
Ha, what's here? a Letter enclosed, this must be concealed till a fitter time to be read— [Aside. We are obliged to you, for this Night's diversion, and shall study a requital— If my young Blade here proves a fashionable keeping Husband, this Gentleman, if his Letter speaks of love, shall not long languish, nor despair— for I like him strangely— [Aside. See here, Sir, the Argument is pretty—  Nob. 
Good, she has conveyed the Letter as I could wish, now half my toil is over— Madam, they are Entering—  [Soft Music. Then a thing like a Globe Ascends, Sir Gregory Lovemuch sitting on it, in an habit representing fire— On each side the Stage, ascends Noddy, representing Water, and One representing Earth— Gazer Descends, who represents Air— Noble goes behind Sir Gregory Lovemuch— to promp him. Nob. 
The flame of Zeal—  Sir G. L. 
— The wicked fire of Lust  
Does now spread heat through Water, Air, and Dust.  Nob. 
Ha! He's out at the beginning— The wheel of Time  [Behind Gazet Gaz. 
The Devil set fire on the Distaff—  Nob. 
What a Devil means all this?—  [Aside. Sir G. 
ay, that was wont in elder time to pass  
For a bright Angel, now am made an Ass,  
And so corrupted with the upstart fires  
Of hated Avarice and hot desires,  
Which in unlawful sheets were kindled first  
By forward Girls, false Wives, and Widow's lust.  
That I, even Fire, who purest Gold did try,  
From these base heats, myself can't purify;  
I once was reverenced, Charity did thaw,  
And did keep up the Hospitable Law,  
But stead of me, a Bastard heat now burns,  
And to supply my Landlord's lust, it turns.  
Now Matron Widow's Lechery so great  
They ne'er consult their years, but lustful heat  
And wed young Fops that may perform the feat.  Nob. 
Heart! Who should this be?— Some Rogue— but I'll let'em take their swing— and afterwards will be fully Revenged.  Wid. 
Upon my word, Monsieur Fire is a notable hot Satirical Blade—  Mrs. H. 
What should my Brother mean to rail so—  [Aside. Gaz. 
After this hear, you Ladies fat and fair,  
Open your Casements wide, and take in Air;  
But not that Air, false Women make up Oaths with,  
No, nor that Air Gallants perfume their clothes with;  
I am that Air that keeps about the Clouds,  
None of my Kindred were smelled out in Crowds;  
Yet some there are that are my Chief Polluters,  
Widows that falsify their faiths to Suitors,  
And will give fair words, when the Sign's in Cancer,  
But at the next remove a scurvy Answer;  
Come to the poor men's Houses, Eat their Banquet  
With smock-faced Boy, at Night be tossed in Blanket.  
He that believes a Widow's word shall fail,  
When Venus' Gown-skirt sweeps the Dragon's Tail;  
Fair weather the first day she makes to any,  
The second Cloudy, and the third day Rainy;  
The fourth day a great Storm, Lightning and Thunder,  
A Bolt strikes the Suitor, a Boy keeps her under.  Nob. 
'Tis so, some Rascal's crept in on purpose to disgrace me; but I'm resolved they shall share in my disgrace—  [Exit. Sir O. S. 
By Gog Magog, a notable sharp Air this, Madam—  Wid. 
He has perfumed the Room well—  Sam. 
A man may smell her meaning two Rooms off, though his Nose wanted reparations—  Mr. H. 
Prithee step out, and know what his meaning is, is this the Entertainment I promised to myself?—  Mr. H. 
His love sure has made him mad— but I'll go know the Cause—  [Exit. Noddy. 
Now Gentiles all, since fire has made ye hot,  
Come bath in me, for I'm a Waterpot:  
Water's my Name, I come your Pipes to fill  
Without the Charge of Water-house, or Mill—  
But first, I will a Widow's Cheeks besprinkle,  
Which glow with heat, her lecherous Eyes do twinkle.  
And I'll endeavour too, to lay the dust  
Of Widows hot desires, and boundless lust,  
Then will display her shame— From such as she  
I first took weakness and inconstancy;  
I sometimes swell above my banks, and speed,  
Widows are oft with Child before they Wed.  
Where I'm least seen, there my most danger lies;  
So in those Parts hid most from humane Eyes:  
He heart, her love, or what may be more close.  
I know no Mercy, she thinks that no loss  
In her poor Gallants, Pirates thrive in me,  
I help to Cast away, and so does she—  Mrs. H. 
Curse on his Wit— I am all confusion—  [Aside. A Man. 
Earth stands for a full point, me ye should hire  
To stop the gaps of Water, Air, and Fire  
Your Husband loved me, he locked me in his Chest,  
I was the only Idol of his Breast.  
Now he is dead—  
He shall have Gold, enough to glut his Soul,  
And as for Earth, I'll stop his Crane's throat full.  
With ease a Miser's appetite we please,  
But Lust in Widows, is a damned Disease.  
And proves the most insatiate avarice.  Sir O. 
And now to vex you, Widow, to your face,  
See, once four warning Elements, embrace.  Thunder and Lightning.— Enter five or six like Devils; Water and Earth are let down to the middle with two Devils— Fire and Air, are carried up half way into the Air, with two Devils— Sir G. Gaz. Noddy. 
Help, help, help; Murder— Murder—  Sir G. 
Widow, for heavens' sake, intercede for us to the Devils—  Noddy. 
Oh law, what will my Mother and Sister say, when they hear I am carried away by the Devil—  Nob. 
Who are ye, discover yourselves then?  Gaz. 
By Charles's Wain, don't you know me?  Noddy. 
Why look you, d'ye see, it is I, it is I—  Wid. 
My old Suitors, we are all obliged to you, my Masters, you have taken great pains to make yourselves Ridiculous— — ha,— ha,— Pray Sir release 'em for my sake—  Nob. 
You may Command, Madam, let 'em down there—  [They are Released. All Suit. 
Thanks good Widow.  Sir G. L. 
When faith since we were to lose you, Madam, we thought losers might have leave to speak, and therefore by offering our Service to this Gentleman, we got this opportunity to speak a little of our minds to you—  Gaz. 
And I think we have pretty freely, and at our own Costs too; for I owe Money for some of the Painting— but the Planets are sufficient to pay the Painter—  Noddy. 
If ever I court Widow again for your sake, may I be made a Pissing-post of; well, I find Widows are confounded insupportable witty Devils.  Wid. 
We are all obliged to you, Sir, for this discovery.  Nob. 
My shame, Madam, urged me to contrive some way to discover the Authors of my disgrace— But, Madam, to divert you I have brought a Servant of mine to entertain you with a Dance—  Mrs. H. 
I am indebted to you for this favour, Sir— Please Gentlemen to walk in and partake of a small Collation, and then, my Dear, we will retire to surfeit on Love's sweets—  All. 
We follow you, Sir—  [Exeunt. Manet Noble. Nob. 
Curse on ill luck! What a Devil should be become of this Sister of mine, had she not promised to get the Widow for me, I had not slipped the opportunity which now is irrecoverably lost, she's Married! now the Pox or Impotence be his Curse, for I cannot with patience see myself thus choosed— ha— here comes my brisk Bridegroom— good, I have thought on an excellent way, if possible, to retrieve her— I'll wheadle him to drink, make him damnably drunk, so consequently impotent, and a Widow disappointed, turns Devil, will sue a divorce, and then she's mine.—  Enter Mrs. Hadland. Mrs. H. 
Oh Sir, most opportunely met— are you alone?—  Nob. 
Yes, Sir,— Your Pleasure—  Mrs. H. 
I am come to— cut your Throat.  Nob. 
How Sir!— cut my Throat, you'll give me a reason, Sir, for it, I hope—  Mrs. H. 
I saw what amorous glances passed between my Wife and you at Dinner, and since too I have discovered that which has raised such a Storm within me, that nothing but thy death can restore my former calmness—  Nob. 
Jealous by this light— I hope he has not met with my Letter I conveyed to the Widow— [Aside. heavens' Sir, what jealous on the first night!  Mrs. H. 
I am all rage with jealousy, your Letter, Sir— see there the reason, Villain, and then judge if I can pardon such an injury— Therefore prepare to yield up either Life, or Love—  Nob. 
Nay, Sir, since you have discovered my passion, then know I do, must, and will love your Widow, nay, dote upon the sight of her, and yet no harm to you, since you possess the wealth, you cannot bar a longing slander by, to wish and sigh, since you know 'tis in vain; therefore I will persist— ah 'tis a charming Creature!  Mrs. H. 
Hell and Furies! shall I stand tamely still, and hear a fellow boldly to my face proclaim my Infamy!  Nob. 
A fellow, Sir▪ Provoke me not, I say provoke me not; if you do, by Heaven, if possible, I'll cuckold thee before thy face—  Mrs. H. 
This is beyond all patience, base Villain draw—  Nob. 
Pish Sir, your little Bodkin frights not me, see I have one can match it— Yet I believe thee Valiant, or such a little whipper-ginnie durst not have been so desperate to have ventured on a longing Widow—  Mrs. H. 
How, Sir, have at thy heart!—  Nob. 
Good Child, thou art too forward,— reserve thy vigour for another place, it will be little enough, I'll engage— for young, Sir, there can be no comparison between you and I, in love affairs—  Mrs. H. 
How mean you Sir?  Nob. 
You may perhaps be well enough for the Theory, to cringe, and whine, and wheadle yourself into a Virgin's heart; but a Widows wise discerning Eye must of necessity read here the only man that's fittest for the Practic part—  Mrs. H. 
heavens'! Do but hereafter look upon her with one pleasing glance, and I'll damn thy Soul.  Nob. 
A Bully in Swadling-clouts by this light, 'tis the youngest Hector ay ever met with in my life— a gad, little Squire, were she the great Turk's favourite, I'd look and gaze although I knew my death should follow, and let me tell thee, had somebody been true to their promise, your fortune had been mine— therefore, little one, you may thank my cross Stars for your good success. A Pox on an absent Sister—  [Aside. Mrs. H. 
How Sir, obliged to you? Oh insupportable! thou base detractor of my honour, who not only would supplant my love, but blast my reputation, and make me undeserving of a Lady's favour.  Nob. 
If you come to that point, Sir, what can you boast of, should be so attractive? I must confess thou appearest a hopeful Stripling, and I question not you have the pretty impertinents of one of your Age, as Dancing, Singing, affected Gestures, be peirtly witty, making bold with every new Play comes out, and extravagantly tawdrey in every new fashion.  Mrs. H. 
Death and the Devil!  Nob. 
These accomplishments, I must confess, may be very surprising to a poor young thing of a Boarding-School, who never had love made to her but by her Dancing-Master, or some such follow.  Mrs. H. 
This is beyond all sufferance—  [Strives to run at him, he Parryes. Nob. 
This won't do— and now, little one, I le discharge my Conscience, between you and I, I do verily believe, the Widow that was, and your Wife that is, Married you only for a Drudge or Steward of her Estate, while she spends it on pleasures, with such vigorous Blades as myself, and who knows it may be my turn; which if it be, faith I'll be very reasonable, and Cuckold thee as seldom as possibly I can—  Mrs. H. 
I'll hear no more; but thus will make a passage to thy Soul, for I swear thy Ruin, Death, Damnation—  Nob. 
Say you so, then 'tis time to look about— and since you provide me, little one, know this, that if I kill thee, I swear to marry the Widow the next day—  Mrs. H. 
Thus I prevent thy boasting— dull, dull, Brother, not know your own flesh and blood. Nob. makes up to her with his Sword, Mrs. H. discovers herself.  Nob. 
My Sister▪ I'm all amazement▪  Mrs. H. 
Now Sir, what think you of my design?  Nob. 
Design quotha! 'twas well you discovered yourself, or I had spoiled all;— but I'm a Dog if I understand what you mean?— you are Married—  Mrs. H. 
I am to the Widow, I knew not how to cheat the Parson; but I question not, but to deceive the Widow ere I sleep—  Nob. 
As how, as how?— I long to hear—  Mrs. H. 
See, my Husband comes with some intelligence—.  Nob. 
Is that my Brother Hadland?—  Enter Mr. Hadland. Mr. H. 
Sir, My Lady is retired to her Chamber—  Mrs. H. 
Leave off your distance now, sweet heart; for I have told my Brother all.  Nob. 
Kind-Brother I obliging Sister!—  Mrs. H. 
But Brother, do you like my Widow in earnest?  Nob. 
Like her! Heavn's! I love her infinitely! were she not Mistress of a farthing, agad, I believe I should have Married her, there's such an airy sweetness in her face—  Mrs. H. 
Say you so, then along with me, I have one design more, and if that take, we are once more happy—  Nob. 
Lead on whilst I follow, and admire thy wit.  [Exeunt.   


ACT V. SCENE I.  The Ante-Chamber to the Widows, etc. Mrs. Hadland sola. Mrs. H. 
T Thus far I am prosperous, Widow, I have not done with you yet; I have wheadled all her Keys out of her Custody, and in her Closet I found the Writing of my Estate, thou dear, dear Parchment, how I am overjoyed to hug thee in my Arms once more— the Widow comes—  Enter Widow, undressed in a Nightgown. 
My life, my Soul, my only joys on Earth, haste, haste to Bed, that I may be completely blessed with an Heaven of Pleasures and delight.  Wid. 
Oh let me embrace the mighty Treasure I have this day gained!—  Mrs. H. 
Delay not the Consummation of our bliss, to bed, to bed, my dear, and there we'll surfeit with delights unspeakable.  Wid. 
I go, but prithee stay not long behind—  Mrs. H. 
I'll but to my apartment, and undress, then fly to rifle all thy Charms— now, Widow, thou art safe—  [Wid. Exit. [Goes to the Door. Hist, Brother, are you ready? Enter Noble. Nob. 
Kind Rogue, I am— I cannot avoid laughing to think how surprised the Widow will be, well Girl, I'll endeavour to behave myself so, that she shall have no reason to complain, nor you to repent the trick you have put upon her.  Mrs. H. 
Do that, and I am well pleased, I believe I am the first Bridegroom that ever procured for his Bride the first Night.  Nob. 
The obliging'st in the world, and the kindest Sister too.  Mrs. H. 
Away then— be brisk, and disgrace me not.  Nob. 
Dear, honest, kind, obliging, witty Rogue, adieu— now for the Widow.  [Exit. Mrs. H. 
Widow, you're caught at last—  
Thy Husband's subtleties shall be repaid,  
Thus Women are by Women best betrayed.  [Exit.  

SCENE the Second. The Hall.  Sir O. Santloe, Sanders, Gazer, Noddy— Sam. Drinking at a Table. Sir O. 
Well done, my friends, put it briskly about— now the Bride and Bridegroom are preparing for bed, let us Drink their healths— Sam. give me a Glass— Son Sanders, top and bottom to you—  [Drinks. Sand. 
I'll do you reason, Sir— Mr. Santloe, the Bride and Bridegrooms healths.  P. S. 
Mr. Gazer—  Gaz. 
I'll Pledge you, Sir, though by Aries the Sign is in the Head with me already, Mr. Noddy have at you—  [Drinks. Noddy. 
Ay, ay, let it come, hang Sorrow, it must be drowned, I find—  [Drinks half. Sir O. 
Nay, nay, Sir, I'll not bate you an ace of top and bottom, off with it, off with it for shame, I say again, top and bottom is my word—  Noddy. 
Lay aside Indignation, Sir, I'll do't, though I die for't, but yfeck I have so topped and bottomed it already, I can hardly breath—  [Drinks it up. Sir O. 
Hie, that's he, that's he— What, Son Peter, no frolic, no frolic, Sirrah Boy, be merry, or I'll disinherit thee— Ah, when I was of your Age, and at the Temple, I was the Cock of all the Jovial Blades in Town— I was always the Captain of a Temple-Rebellion, broke Benchers heads with the Temple pots most dexterously, lie with my Laundress, got her with Bastard, and made her lay it at a Benchen's door, by Gogmagog—  P. S. 
So, so, all will out— now shall I have pious instructions to follow the Example of a sober Father—  [Aside. Sir O. 
I have beat Watches, have had my head broke, and been in the Compter so often, that it cost your Grandfather above a Hundred pounds one year to cure my broken head, and to ransom me from Limbo— and yet you see, Sirrah, I am a sober discreet man now—  P. S. 
Wondrous discreet thus to display your weakness—  [Aside. Sir O. 
Son Sanders, what ne'er a Song in Budget— by Gogmagog, this whoring Age has spoiled all good harmless mirth and Company— All the young fellows now a days single out their Does, and retire as if it were nothing but rutting time with 'em— but in my Days we should not have sat half so long without a Catch or two, and top and bottom going briskly about i'faith—  Sand. 
Prithee let's have the Song, you made the last drinking bout, and one glass more will lay your Father to rest—  P. S. 
I have a Song, Sir, which if you please well sing— but all must join in the Chorus.—  Sir O. 
Yes marry shall they, Sir— and so will I— but first let every one take top and bottom in his hand—  

SONG.  

1.  
COme troul it away,  
We'll drink up the day,  
Let none from his standing retire,  
We'll Laugh, Drink, and Sing,  
And Bacchus' Spring  
We'll drain, and our prowess admire.  
Cho. We'll Laugh, etc.   

2.  
Old Age we despise  
Whilst Wine we can prize,  
And briskly can take off our Glasses;  
Wine, life does repair,  
And banishes Care,  
But Temperance would make us all Asses.  
Cho. Wine, life, etc.   

3.  
Let the Politic fool  
Live dully by Rule,  
While our Wits we refine in our liquour,  
My Soul's in that Wine  
Which puts the Divine  
To a Nonplus, and turns up the Vicar.  
Cho. My Soul's, etc.    Sir O. 
Well done i'faith my Lads— and now off with top and bottom— [All Drink. ho, ho, ho Boys, Peter I'll give thee an Hundred pounds a year more for this Boy—  P. S. 
Say, and hold Sir, that you have often done in your Glasses; but has forbid the banes when sober—  Sir O. 
Oh the sweet days of Youth— I have roared it in my time i'faith— and so topped and bottomed it, that by Gogmagog we have all been top heavy before we have parted— Now Son Peter, ne'er a Jig or Hornpipe about you? how has my Money been spent at Dancing-School, I pray?—  P. S. 
He would make me as ridiculous as himself— [Aside. Those Dances are quite out of fashion, Sir, and Genteiler are now in Mode, Sarabands, Minuets Entries, and the like—  Sir O. 
Pox on your hard named Dances and Wine too, they never prove good, nor wholesome— but Sirrah, to convince you, nothing can be finer than a Lancashire Hornpipe— Fiddlers strike up—  [He Dances a Hornpipe. Noddy. 
I Vow, Sir, 'tis in supportably admirable—  Sir O. 
Before I left the Temple, I was the only Reveller as old as I was; I could have footed the Measures, and Danced Horn-pipes with e'er a young fellow of 'em all. Sam, Give me top and bottom— Mr. Noddy, my Service to you—  [Drinks. Noddy. 
Yfeck I'll pledge you—  [Drinks half. 

SONG.  

1.  
Is not John Sanders dead? [Sir O. Sings.  
And is not his Wife a Whore?  
For she will go drunk to bed,  
And yet she'll have one Pot more?   

2.  
Our Cat is to be hanged,  
And all to be tumbled i'th' mire,  
For scratching my Wife's Huquissin,  
As she sat by the Fire.—    
Ah, when I was young, I had a thousand such frolics as these, off with your liquour man, off with it, I say.  Noddy. 
Top and bottom, as you say, Sir Oliver, yfecks—  [Drinks off all and falls. Sir O. 
So ho, my Boys, who says I am old, see there my conquest over Youth— this Whoring weakens 'em so, they are not able to take of a chirping Cup or two now adays—  P. S. 
Now Sam, thy frolic?  Sam. 
What grinding of Knife's Sir? have at it then— Knives to Grind, Knives to Grind—  Takes off his Periwig, and runs a Chair before him, like a Wheel-barrow. Sir O. 
How now Sam, what art thou frolicking too—  Sam. 
A Well-willer to mirth Sir, and now you shall see me grind Knives as dexterously with a Chair, as the Fellows in the Street with a Grindstone—  [He mimics Grinding. Sir O. 
Well done my Lad— Here's something to encourage thee—  Sam. 
What's here, a Newgate Groat, by this Light he's short lived, he is so confounded liberal— ah Sir, this is nothing; I can tumble with any Bartholomew Fellow, Run up a Wall like a Cat; but I can act a Breast of Mutton so naturally, that our Cookmaid the other night had like to have spitted me for one, I did it so to the life—  Enter Sir Gregory Lovemuch, beaten in by a Maid with a Spit— Sir G. 
Hold, hold, hold, Murder, Murder—  Maid. 
Out you old Lecher, invade my Honour?  All. 
Laugh.  Gaz. 
Wat's the matter, Sir Gregory?  Sir G. 
I only desired a kindness or so, being set agog with the Widow's Marriage, and the Baggage had not only the incivility to deny me; but has most unmercifully chastised me too.  Sir O. 
By Gogmagog well enough served, for leaving top and bottom— and old Lechery will be catteryauling, though they are sure to come by the worst.  Enter Mr. Hadland— Mr. H. 
For heavens' sake, Gentlemen, come to the Bride-Chamber, some accident or other has happened; for the Bride cries out, and seems by her Speech to be in some strange confusion.  Sir O. 
It's nothing but her being coy, and i'faith the young Bridegroom seems a man of Mettle, and will put her to't, I'll warrant.  All. 
What should this mean?  [Bride Shrieks. Sir O. 
Let us go see, I fear my young Blade's too brisk for her— gently, gently good Youngster, be not so boisterous— [Shrieks again. Again, what a stubborn Baggage 'tis— on my lise he is ravishing her— let us in and see Gentlemen—  [Exeunt.  

SCENE the Last.  
The Widow discovered sitting on a Bed in a Nightgown, Noble in Bed, holding her by the Gown.  Wid. 
Heaven protect me! Villain unhand me—  Nob. 
I say, Widow come to Bed, or I shall grow very angry; for I'm impatient, and will not be delayed any longer.  Wid. 
Guard me, ye Powers above! Protect my honour, or I'm lost for ever should my Husband come—  Nob. 
Whose fault will that be; therefore be speedy, let me antedate my young Squire, and I'll be gone— Nay, no struggling, but yield quietly— I need not a resistance, for I am all on flame already— not yet? agad persist in stubbornness, and I'll publish it in all places that I have lain with thee, no matter whether it be truth or no— and then Lady bright, that trifling title Honour, must be surrendered; but be kind, and I shall be all silence and obedience—  Wid. 
I'll rather die, than yield—  Nob. 
Say you so? Then I find I must try strength.  They strive, she gets from him— is going out of the Door. Enter Mrs. Hadland meets her. Wid. 
Ha! my Husband!—  [Stands amazed, and seems disordered. Mrs. H. 
What coming for me Widow? This was kindly done— let us to Bed, for now I am ready to perform the Rites of Love.  Wid. 
What shall I do? undone, for ever wretched—  [Aside. Mrs. H. 
What means this strange Confusion!  Wid. 
Alas, Sir, I'm not well— I was just going to call up my Maid, for some Cordial— 'tis but too true, for my Spirits fail me.  [Aside. Mrs. H. 
Such vain excuses belong to Virgin Modesty, but Widows should know better— then, lay aside this veil, and meet my love with equal flames, that both may be transported into Ecstasies—  Wid. 
For ever I am ruined—  [Aside. Mrs. H. 
Sure you're the first Widow ever feared th' embraces of a second Husband— Come, come tremble not— but to Bed.  [Leads her to the Bed, opens the Curtain, discovers Noble standing in a Nightgown upon the Bed— 
Ha! Noble here— Hell and the Devil!  [They stand Gazing on one another. 
Base perfidious Woman, now I see the cause of your disorders, was your Lust so hot you could not stay till the first Night was passed?  Wid. 
Good Sir, hear me—  Mrs. H. 
May'st thou be for ever dumb, or I deaf, rather than lend an Ear to thy bewitching tongue— Now Sir, how durst you attempt the dishonouring of my Bed? Do you laugh? I shall spoil your mirth—  Nob. 
Who can forbear at such an Idle question— rather Sir, how durst you Marry, and fondly think to preserve such a tempting Creature entirely for yourself,— Sir, where I love, I dare do any thing to enjoy; and a Pox on your officious haste and jealousy, had you but stayed two minutes longer, your business had been done, and you ne'er the wiser—  Mrs. H. 
Confusion! This to my face?  Nob. 
Yes, faith Sir, 'twas most uncivilly done, and very unlike a Husband to intrude; but I pardon you for once, for I hope in time you will understand better—  Mrs. H. 
Base Villain! Did I for this cast a friends Arms about thee? gave thee the welcome of a man of Honour? and is this your return of gratitude? Hence, begone, and take that Volume of corrupted Beauty; for henceforth shesh I be to me like the Book of Fate, for ever clasped.  Wid. 
Wretched Woman, was this the promised blessing of an indulgent Husband! Speak Sir, and clear my Honour, how you got here; for Heaven be my Witness, I was as great a stranger to his being here, as you.  Mrs. H. 
In vain are idle words, out of my doors, for ever I discard you from my house—  Wid. 
I find too late your drift, my Wealth (Curse on it) was the Original of your design, take it to save my Honour; and what is't I would not give to be rid of so base a fellow.  Mrs. H. 
I thank you for my own, sweet Lady— but I scorn to be out done in courtesy— therefore in return, make you this present— provided you'll confirm you Estate on me—  [Gives her a Cabinet. Wid. 
I will— what laugh you at my misery—  [Mrs. H. laughs. Mrs. H. 
Faith Widow, you are caught; for know, I am already Married to another—  Wid. 
How Married to another! I am all astonishment: Villain, how durst you attempt so desperate an act; an act by which your life is forfeited? and question not, but I'll have full revenge for this affront you've offered me.  Mrs. H. 
Rail on, 'tis Music in my Ears, but faith you are not like to stir till we are friends—  Wid. 
What's your design? who are you—  Mrs. H. 
Come, come, no more questions, my design was only to provide a Husband for thee— how say you to my Friend here, methinks he would make an able Husband for a Widow.  Within. Sir O. 
So ho, Mr. Bridegroom open the Door, and let Sack-posset enter—  Mrs. H. 
How say you, Widow, is it a match— or they all enter, and I'll forswear all I have said, and make you infamous to the world—  Nob. 
And faith so will I, Widow— if you consent not.  Wid. 
Hold, hold Gentlemen— What shall I do? my Honour this way will be lost— Leave me to my own choice, you know not what then I may do—  Mrs. H. 
All one for that, Widow, so it must be—  Nob. 
Or Egad they come— see I am ready to unlock, is it a Bargain?  Wid. 
Take half my Estate, my House, Goods, any thing, rather than force me to so rash an Act—  Nob. 
How rash! to Marry an able fellow! this is an affront, I cannot put up; therefore thus I revenge myself—  [Offers to unlock. Wid. 
Hold, hold Sir, let me consider but one Minute—  Nob. 
I'll give thee a looking and a thinking time, that is but fair; for I am certain the more you view me and consider, the more you'll like me—  Within. Sir O. 
On my Conscience they are reconciled, done their business, and fairly turned to sleep.—  Mrs. H. 
Now, Madam, what is it you resolve?  Wid. 
Not to consent—  Nob. 
Egad they come then—  [Offers to open the Door. Wid. 
Hold, what are you?—  Nob. 
No questions, for Conscience sake—  Wid. 
I yield, I yield—  Nob. 
Swear then—  Wid. 
By all that's good, I will be yours—  Nob. 
Seal it—  [He Kisses her. Mr. H. 
Gentlemen, pray enter—  Enter Sir O. Santloe, P. Santloe, Mr. Sanders, Lady Santloe, Clarina, Eugenia, Sir G. Lovemuch, Gazer, Noddy, Attendants. Mr. Hadland without Disguise— Sir O. 
What's here, two Bridegrooms? I'll warrant her crying out, was, for want of the Second—  Mrs. H. 
Gentlemen, bear witness, I here discharge the Widow, from her Marriage with me.—  Sir O. 
How, parting before ye have bedded? what's the meaning of this?  Mr. H. 
Some private Reasons, Sir Oliver, which more at leisure you shall know—  Wid. 
Before these Gentlemen, I take him for my Husband.  Sir G. L. Gaz. Noddy. 
The Devil give you Joy then—  Mrs. H. 
See here the transformation— and Widow in a young huffing Bully, see your Friend and Servant Eliz. Hadland—  Mrs. H. and her Husband discover themselves. Mr. H. 
And Thomas Hadland, her Servingman and Husband.  Wid. 
Am I outwitted by my Enemy then!  Sir O. 
What a notable frolicking Woman is this! Is she the Bridegroom, and my worshipful Servingman, are you there?  Mr. H. 
A poor wronged Gentleman, Sir, willing to serve for his own—  Sir G. L. 
Pox on her, was it she disgraced me at the Treat, I'll steal off before they take notice of me—  [Exit. Gaz. 
By Capricorn, and so will I—  [Exit. Noddy. 
Look you, Madam, d'ye see, I have spent at least Forty Pounds in clothes, Coaches, Journeys and so forth, in Courting of you, and since you have choosed me of yourself, I expect satisfaction— which I will have if there be Law—  Wid. 
Take your course, Sir—  Noddy. 
So I will, by Jehosaphat—  [Exit. Mrs. H. 
Now Madam, no more your Enemy, but Sister; for I must call this Gentleman Brother.  Wid. 
Then my fortune's better than I could have expected, since I am assured he is a Gentleman in all respects— and thus all animosities shall cease.—  Sir O. 
Why, now the Bells they go trim, they go trim— Wife, with this Lady's leave, we'll make no more hours on't; for this is as fine a contracting time, we could have wished for, and the Parson to morrow shall finish this Night's work, come to the Book, to the Book young men—  P. S. 
'Slid Sam, what's to be done now.  Sam. 
Your Friend and Servant knows no more than the post, Sir—  Sir O. 
How say you, Madam, is it a match between your Niece and my Son? do't, and I am resolved Mr. Sanders shall be my Son in Law—  Wid. 
I freely consent, Sir—  Sir O. 
Mrs. Eugenia, your hand—  Eug. 
But not my heart, for that is Mr. Sanders'—  [Aside. Wid. 
But with your leave, Sir Oliver, I'll join 'em—  Sir O. 
With all my heart, Madam.  Wid. 
Mr. Sanders, take this Lady.  [Gives Eug. to Sanders. Sand. 
Oh, Madam, blessed be your goodness for this inestimable treasure.  Sir O. 
Cuds boddykins, what means she?  Wid. 
Here Mr. Santloe, in a Sister find a wise—  [Gives Cla. to Santloe. P. S. 
Sure the Widow has dealt with the Devil, or else hath heard of our mutual love, and thus soothes our passions—  [Aside. Sir O. 
By Gogmagog, the Widow's mad— my Son Marry his own Sister! what Riddle is this?  Wid. 
One of Seventeen years standing, Sir— You remember my Sister Morly Nursed your Daughter, who at that time had a Daughter too—  Sir O. 
What of all this—  Wid. 
My Sister's fortunes decaying, she gave you her Eugenia, and kept your Clarina with herself— afterwards fortune smiling on her Husband's industry, she on her Deathbed did reveal this secret, and wished me when occasion served to make it known—  Sam. 
Hyeday the Town's our own again—  P. S. 
Oh, Madam, this is beyond all precedent, not to be equaled— and now Sir, I may with confidence own I was this day Married to my supposed Sister.  Sir O. 
By Gogmagog, you were a desperate Boy; how could you tell but that it was your Sister in earnest?  P. S. 
Nature was not so dull to let me languish for a Sister; for notwithstanding what my Mother said, yet love retained its native heat, and bade me still love on— Oh my blessed Soul—  [Too Cla. Sir O. 
Daughter come into thy Father's arms, see, excess of Joy will make affection melt.  La. S. 
What tears have I bestowed on a lost Daughter, yet left her behind me.  Nob. 
This is beyond all thought surprising— and now, Girl, since your wit has been the kind director of my Fortunes, with my Widows leave here, freely command whatever's in my power—  Wid. 
I shall comply with you in everything.  Mrs. H. 
I thank you for your obliging offer, and I shall desire nothing more, but the confirmation of that Portion which your rigorous Husband had deceived my Father of, before he died—  Wid. 
Your generosity is so great I can deny you nothing— consult with your Lawyer, and I shall willingly subscribe to any thing you shall desire—  Mrs. H. Mr. H. 
We are obliged to you—  Sir O. 
Cudsboddy kins, this was a notable waggish trick, and by Gogmagog, much like a second Wedding, and I give you joy with all my heart.  Nob. 
Madam, fear nothing; though I have appeared a wild Debauchee; yet you shall find an Indulgent Husband— and now, Gentlemen, let us in and congratulate each others good success and fortunes.  

Thus in the Storms of Fortune you may find,  
Where Justice is deficient, Wit proves kind.   
FINIS.    

Epilogue.  Spoke by Mr. Crosby. 
KNowing too well, Gallants, your natural spite,  
We bar your censuring privilege to Night;  
For your Diversion, this was ne'er designed,  
How can our Author then, expect you kind?  
Your malice is so great to One unknown  
That like the Play, or not, you cry him down,  
Who is not one o'th' huffing Wits o'th' Town:  
Nay, your ill natures bore so great a sway,  
Often ye Damn, before you've seen the Play;  
Such Bully-Wits, like Butchers should not sit,  
Nor be empaneled at the Bar of Wit;  
There's such a Native Cruelty in them,  
Without a Consultation they condemn.  
Then to Vacation-Customers we sue,  
We have our ends to Night, if we've pleased you;  
Kind Sirs, let not the Critics of the Town  
Awe ye— But let your Judgements be your Own,  
Consider well—  
Here is no Satire on a Married life,  
Nor damn'd Lampoon upon the City-Wife;  
No Cheats discovered of the Man of Trade,  
Nor who Gallants your Wives are here displayed,  
Nor your own secret Pleasures too betrayed:  
Then Judge the Play, unbiased may ye be,  
And from the snarling Critics set us free.