MISCELLANEA: OR, A Choice Collection OF Wise and Ingenious Say, etc.  
OF Princes, Philosophers, Statesmen, Courtiers, and Others; Out of several Ancient and Modern Authors: For the pleasurable Entertainment of the Nobility and Gentry of both Sexes.  
By G. M.  
Dispersa Colligo.  
London, Printed for William Lindsey at the Angel near Lincolns-Inn in Chancery-Lane, 1694.   

TO The Honourable EDWARD IRBY Esq ( Son of ANTHONY, and Grandson to the Most Worthy Knight Sir ANTHONY IRBY, both Deceased) The Heir, and greatest Hopes of his Illustrious Family, This MISCELLANY Of Wise and Ingenious Say, etc. Is humbly Dedicated By the Author.   

TO THE READER.  
THE Design of this MISCELLANY is, both to Instruct and Divert. The Instructive Part, consisting of Wise and Ingenious Say, carries along with it a great deal of good History and Morality. In which Sayings the ancient Greeks, whilst Learning flourished amongst them, excelled to admiration.  
The Diverting Part (made up of witty Jests, smart Repartees, and pleasant Fancies, Intermixed with the former, and most of 'em above the strain of popular Wit) aims at nothing but Innocent Mirth; being free from obscene and profane Expressions, too frequent in other Works of this kind. Whereby the Age is corrupted in a great measure, and Youth inflamed to lose and wanton Thoughts. Whereas this Collection may serve to frame their Minds to such Flashes of Wit as may be agreeable to civil and genteel Conversation. The Epitaphs I own to be for the most part extracted out of Cambden's Remains; but so culled and sifted from the rest, that you have here the choicest only. Some of 'em of a serious, and others of a merry strain; some Latin, and others English.  
Thus you have here Honestum, Utile, & Jucundum, useful Morality, and witty Diversion. The whole reduced under proper Heads, not huddled up confusedly together, as are commonly other Works of this nature.   

The Contents.  

OF Princes, Pag. 1  
Popes, Pag. 15  
Cardinals, Pag. 18  
Bishops, Pag. 21  
Statesmen and Courtiers, Pag. 26  
Magistrates, Pag. 39  
Ladies, Pag. 43  
Love and Gallantry, Pag. 47  
Roman Priests, Jesuits, and Monks, Pag. 49  
Lawyers, Pag. 58  
Physicians, Pag. 61  
Orators and Philosophers, Pag. 63  
Authors, Pag. 69  
Poets, Pag. 74  
Painters and Pictures, Pag. 79  
Scholars, Pag. 81  
War, Officers and Soldiers, Pag. 83  
Tradesmen, and Countrymen, Pag. 87  
Masters, and Servants, Pag. 91  
Married Men and Women, Pag. 95  
Dying Men and Women, Pag. 102  
Bury, Pag. 107  
Epitaphs, Pag. 110  
POSTSCRIPT, Pag. 135    

LICENCED,  
March 12. 1693/ 4. Edward Cook.   

MISCELLANEA; OR, Wise and Ingenious Say, etc.  

Of PRINCES.  
I.  
GREAT was the Freedom the ancient Greeks took with their Princes, even to the Reproach of their Vices; and some of these were wise enough not to take it ill: Witness the Story of a Grecian Lady, and PHILIP King of Macedon. Which King newly risen from Table, his Head intoxicated with the Liquor he had drunk, wronged the Lady in a Concern she brought before him. Whereupon she appealed from his Judgement, To whom? said the King; To Philip, replied she, when Sober. This made him Recollect himself; and, upon due Consideration, finding himself in the wrong, he altered his Judgement in the Lady's behalf.  
II.  
The same King, having some Courtiers about him, who endeavoured to persuade him to punish a Man of great Worth, as having spoken ill of him, I must first examine (says he) whether I have deserved it, or not. At last he found, that the Party had never received any Favour from him, though he highly deserved it. Upon which he sent him great Presents; and 'twas not long before he heard, that the same Man spoke much to his Praise. You see, than said the King to the same Courtiers, that I know better than you do how to silence Detraction. To which he added, that Princes had it in their Power to get the Love of their Subjects when they pleased; and, if they were not beloved, 'twas their own Fault.  
III.  
PHILIP contending with an able Musician about an Air, 'Twere great pity (said the Musician to him) that you should be so Unhappy as to know this better than I do. A proper Lesson for Men in Dignity, not to affect excelling in some sorts of Knowledge.  
iv  
King Philip's Wife, Mother of Alexander the Great, hearing that her Son called himself the Son of Jupiter, and was worshipped as a God, did put a shrewd Jeer upon him, For she sent him word, and prayed him, not to bring her into Trouble with the Goddess Juno.  
V  
ALEXANDER, being at Delphos to consult the Oracle, forced Apollo's Priestess into the Temple, upon an unlawful Day. She cried out, and made what Resistance she could, but in vain. At last says she to Alexander, Thou art Invincible. This Oracle, answered he, will serve my Turn, and so let her go. Thus the Priestess' Words, extorted by his Violence, passed for an Oracle.  
VI  
Darius, King of Persia, having offered his Daughter, with half his Kingdom, to ALEXANDER, Parmenio his Favourite told him, Were I Alexander, I would accept of Darius his Offer. So would I, replied Alexander, if I were Parmenio.  
VII.  
When ALEXANDER lay dying, some of his Courtiers asked him, where he had laid up his Treasures. You will find them, says he, in my Friends Purses. Whereby he insinuated, that he had got no Treasures, but what he had freely (as fast as he had got them) disposed of amongst his Friends; and that he did not question but they would supply therewith one another, when Occasion served.  
VIII.  
King ANTIGONUS, having made a strict League with the Athenians, they offered one of his Servants the Freedom of their City. By no means, said the King, I will not suffer him to accept of that Honour, lest that being some Day or other in a Passion, I should be so unhappy as to beat an Athenian.  
IX.  
King PYRRHUS, having twice overcome the Romans, and finding his Army much weakened by such Victories, I am undone, says he, if I get a third Victory.  
X.  
Dionysius, Tyrant of Syracuse, was a Prince who freely ridiculed the Superstition and Idolatry which reigned in his Time amongst the Greeks. He was for making use of those Offerings that were made to the Idols, which they had no Occasion for. The Cloak of Gold which Hieron sent to the Statue of Jupiter Olympius he took, and gave instead of it one made of Wool, saying, That a Cloak of Gold was both too cold in Winter, and too warm in Summer. Aesculapius' his Statue had a Beard of Gold, which he clipped off, saying, That it was not decent for the Son to have a Beard, being his Father Apollo had none.  
XI.  
Dionysius had a Son, who had violated a Lady of Syracuse. Upon which he asked him, with an angry Look, whether he had ever heard that in his Youthful Days he had committed such Actions. You were not, answered he, born a King's Son, as I am. Thou shalt never be a King's Father, replied the Tyrant. And so it proved in effect. For young Dionysius, being expelled from Syracuse, became of a King a Schoolmaster in the City of Corinth.  
XII.  
Then it was that Diogenes, seeing him in that Station, began to sigh before him. Upon which young Dionysius spoke to him in these Words; Be not troubled, Diogenes, at my Misfortunes, 'tis the Fate of humane Affairs. That is not, answered the Cynic, the Thing which troubles me; for I am vexed, to see thee still happier than thou deservest.  
XIII.  
Memorable is HANNIBAL's Answer to King ANTIOCHUS. Who, having set forth unto him the Magnificence of his Army, asked him, whether he thought it would be sufficient for the Romans. No doubt of it, answered Hannibal, were the Romans never so Covetous; Meaning, that it was sufficient to make 'em rich with the Spoils, but not to overcome them.  
XIV.  
'Tis said of JULIUS CAESAR, that having took Shipping at Brundisium in Italy in Pursuit of Pompey, and a Storm arising, which frighted his Pilot from setting sal, he undauntedly cried out to the Pilot, Caesarem vehis & Fortunam ejus, Remember that thou carriest Caesar and his Fortune.  
XV.  
WILLIAM RUFUS, upon the like Occasion, shown his greatness of Courage much after the same manner. Who going to take Ship for Normandy, in order to Relieve Coutancaes then straight besieged by the French, the Wind then proving contrary and boisterous, the Mariners told him, it was not safe for him to take Sea. But the King eager for the Relief of that Town, and having no Time to lose, bade them hoist up Sail in God's Name, Was it ever heard (says he) that a King was drowned by Tempest?  
XVI.  
To this purpose was the Answer of CHARLES V Emperor, and King of Spain, at the Battle of Tunis. Who, being advised by the Marquis of Guasto to secure his Person, when the great Ordnance began to play, Marquis, said he, did you ever hear, that an Emperor was slain with a great Shot?  
XVII.  
JULIUS CAESAR, being gone to Conquer afric, happened to fall off his Horse. 'Tis a good Omen, says he, that I find afric under me; This is not a Fall, but Taking of Possession.  
XVIII.  
Much to the same purpose was that Saying of an Officer of WILLIAM the Conqueror, whose Foot (upon his Landing in England) chanced to slip, so that he fell into the Mud, and bemired all his hands over. Which Accident being looked upon by the said Officer as a lucky Presage, Now (said he to the Duke) thou hast taken Possession, and holdest of the Land in thy band, whereof thou shalt be shortly King.  
XIX.  
A young Grecian favoured very much AUGUSTUS; who, enquiring into the Cause of so great Resemblance, asked the Young Man whether his Mother had ever been at Rome. No, answered the Young Man, but my Father has several times. Thus, by an apparent Simplicity which sheltered his Boldness from the Emperor's Anger, he made him sensible by his own Argument, that the Resemblance proceeded rather from the Wantonness of the Emperor's Mother than his own Mother's.  
XX.  
The Trojans having sent Deputies to Compliment AUGUSTUS, upon account of a Palmtree that grew on an Altar they had erected unto him, told him, it was a certain Presage of the Conquests he should make. To me, answered Augustus, 'tis rather an Argument how little Fire you Kindle upon the Altar, to consume the Victims. Apparet quàm saepe accendatis.  
XXI.  
Admirable is that saying of a wise Roman, upon the Death of AUGUSTUS. 'Twere (says he) to be wished, that either Augustus had never been born, or that he had never died. By which few Words he gave a just Idea of the whole Life of that Prince. The Beginning of whose Reign was full of Violence and Cruelty, whereas the Progress and Conclusion of it was attended with all the Blessings of Justice, Clemency, and Moderation.  
XXII.  
When the Trojans sent Ambassadors to TIBERIUS, to condole the Death of his Father-in-Law Augustus, it was so long after Augustus his Death, that Tiberius thought it proper to fit them with this Return. And I am, says he, sorry, that you have lost so valiant a Knight as Hector; who was slain above a thousand Years before.  
XXIII.  
SIGISMOND the Emperor, being told by one of his Courtiers, that he wondered at his Maxim of obliging his Enemies, and putting them in a Condition to hurt him, when it was in his Power to take away their Lives. Do not I, says he, sufficiently slay 'em, when by my Benefits I make them of my Foes my Friends.  
XXIV.  
LEWIS XII, King of France, when he was Duke of Orleans, had been very much disobliged in the foregoing Reigns by two Persons then in great Favour at Court. When he came to the Crown, a Confident of his did his utmost to induce him into a Resentment. By no means, answered King Lewis, 'tis below a King of France to revenge the Wrong done to the Duke of Orleans.  
XXV.  
No less memorable is the generous Answer of JOHN TWO, Duke of Bourbon, who was an Hostage in England for King John of France. Whilst he was here, several of his Subjects taking an advantage of his Absence caballed against him, and invaded his Rights. One of his Officers took an exact Account of it in writing, which he presented to the Duke upon his Return, in order to bring the Offenders under the Lash of the Law. The Duke asked him, whether he had took an Account of the good Service they had done him formerly. That I have not, said the Officer. Then, said the Duke, it is not just I should make any Use of this; and so threw it into the Fire, without any further notice.  
XXVI.  
HENRY IV, of France, walking one Day, was followed by the Duke of Mayenne, a burly fat Man, and consequently a bad Walker; who had contended with Henry for the Crown. And now the King took pleasure in tiring of him. But, after the Walking was over, Now Cousin (said the King to him) I am satisfied, and you may assure yourself I shall take no further Revenge.  
XXVII.  
LEWIS XIII, Son and Successor of the foresaid Henry, being addressed unto by a Deputation from his Protestant Subjects, for the Continuation of their Privileges, according to the Edicts of his Predecessors Henry III, and Henry IV, the King made them this Answer. You had, says he, those Privileges granted you by Henry III, who feared you; and you had them confirmed by my Father, who loved you; but for my Part, I neither love, nor fear you.  
XXVIII.  
The late Prince of Condé, making his first Visit to LEWIS XIV, after the Battle of Seneffe, the King stood at the Top of the Stairs, whilst the Prince was getting up but slowly, having the Gout upon him. Which made him say to the King from the middle of the Staircase, Sir, I beg your Majesty's Pardon, if I make you stay. Cousin, answered the King, take your own Time; a Prince loaded with Laurels, as you are, cannot move so nimbly.  
XXIX.  
A petty PRINCE of Italy, being informed, that a Frenchman in his Court had put some Jokes upon him and his Designs, ordered him to go out of his Dominions in three Days. 'Tis too long a Time, answered the French Gentleman, three quarters of an Hour will serve to obey him. By which Answer he pleasantly reflected upon the small Extent of the Prince's Dominions.  
XXX.  
A KING of Spain, unfortunate in War, having lost several Places and Countries of Consequence, his Courtiers nevertheless gave him the Title of Great. Which one carping at, his Greatness (says he) is like that of Ditches, which the more is taken from them, grow the greater.  
XXXI.  
After the Battles of Fleury and Staffarde, a Minister of the Emperor at the Court of Portugal insinuating to the KING, that France must yield at last, being surrounded with Enemies on all Sides. Ay, but (answered the King) she has newly made two vigorous Sallies; Meaning the aforesaid Battles, in which the French had the Advantage.  
XXXII.  
WILLIAM the Conqueror, having created his Half Brother (Bishop of Bayeux) Earl of Kent, ordered him afterwards to be Imprisoned, on some just Displeasure. For which being quarrelled by the Pope, (the Clergy being then exempted from the Secular Power) he returned this Answer, That he had committed the Earl of Kent, not the Bishop of Bayeux.  
XXXIII.  
WILLIAM RUFUS, the Conquerour's Son and immediate Successor, made commonly as it were Portsale of the Spiritual Live. One Day two Monks out-bidding each other for an Abbey, he asked another of their Company, (whom he spied standing in a Corner) what he would give to be Abbot? Not one Farthing, said he, for I renounced the World and Riches, that I might the more sincerely serve my God. Which Answer did so take with the King, notwithstanding his Covetousness, that he judged him most worthy to be made Abbot, and accordingly bestowed gratis the Abbey upon him.  
XXXIV.  
Philip, the warlike Bishop of Beauvais in France, being taken Prisoner by our King RICHARD I, the Pope wrote in his behalf to the King, that he would Release him as a Churchman, and one of his beloved Sons. The King, to vindicate himself, sent to the Pope the Armour in which the Bishop was taken, with these words engraven upon it, Vide an haec sit Tunica Filii tui, that is, See whether this be thy Son's Coat, or not; being the Words which Jacob's Children spoke to him, when they presented him with the Coat of their Brother Joseph. Which the Pope viewing, swore, that it was rather the Coat of a Son of Mars, than a Son of the Church, and so left him wholly at the King's Pleasure.  
XXXV.  
The said King RICHARD, being told by one Fulke, a Priest in great esteem for his Holiness, that he kept three Daughters, which if he did not dismiss, they would procure him God's Wrath; How so? said the King, all the World knows, I never had a Child. Yea, said the Priest, you have three; and their Names are Pride, Covetousness, and Lechery. Well, said the King, you shall see me presently dispose of them. The Knight's Templars shall have Pride, the White Monks Covetousness, and the Clergy Lechery. Thus you have my three Daughters bestowed amongst you.   

POPES.  
I.  
AN Abbot leaving Rome, unsatisfied that he could not see the Pope all the while he was there, said, That the Pope was no more the Visible Head of the Church.  
II.  
'Tis said of Pope Boniface VIII, that he came in like a Fox, reigned like a Lion, and died like a Dog. He came to the Papal Chair in 1295, and held it above seven Years. During which he persecuted the Gibelline Faction, to the utmost of his Power. And they run so much in his head that, when the Archbishop of Genova came before him upon Ash-Wednesday to receive the Ashes, according to the Custom of the Roman Church, instead of saying, Memento quòd Cinis es, & in Cinerem reverteris, the Words used in that Ceremony, he mistook the Point, and told him, Memento quòd Gibellinus es, & cum Gibellinis morieris.  
III.  
A Discourse being held before a Pope concerning the Plurality of Live, For my part (said the Pope) I have but one.  
iv  
Pope Alexander VIII, was 79 Years old, when he came to the Papal See, and in three Weeks time he raised all his Nephews. He desired to know by one of his familiar Friends what the World said of him; who answered, that his Diligence in raising his Family was all the Talk of the Town. Oh! Oh! replied he, sono vinti-tre hore e mezza, 'tis half an hour past 23, meaning his Time was near expired. Now in Italy the Clocks strike 24 Hours, whereas ours go not beyond 12.  
V  
A Countryman, who looked upon the Pope as a God on Earth, prayed his Holiness, that he might have two Crops every Year. You shall have it, said the Pope, but then every Year must be of Twenty four Months.  
VI  
Favoriti, the late Pope's Secretary, reading to his Holiness some Briefs that he had drawn, and explaining them unto him in Italian, the Pope wept for Joy, saying, Cosa diranno di noi nella Posterita, quando vederanno cosi bella Latinita nostra? That is to say, What will Posterity say of us, when they see this our elegant Latin?  
VII.  
An ginger having foretold Pope Vrban VIII, that a Comet should appear about the middle of his Reign, the Pope fell sick, when the Comet appeared. But, whereas he flattered himself, by the foresaid Prediction, that his Reign was but half spent, he unexpectedly died, and so ended both his Life and Reign.  
VIII.  
Pope Alexander VIII, being wrought upon by the Spanish Ambassador in order to declare against France, the Ambassador, to induce him to it, told him, that France was in a sinking Condition, that it was impossible for her to hold out against so many Powers, and that the King was not able any longer to maintain his Armies. 'Tis true, answered the Pope, but he makes 'em subsist at the Cost and Charge of his Neighbours.   

CARDINALS.  
I.  
THE Cardinal of Retz, being recalled by the French King, went to throw himself at his Majesty's feet. Who, taking him up by the hand, told his Eminence, that he wondered to see him with a hoary Head. Sir, replied the Cardinal, Thus it is to fall under Your Majesty's Displeasure.  
This great Man, says my Author, lived like himself in great State; in order to which he was fain to borrow, but took great care to pay. Before his last Voyage to Rome, he sent for all his Creditors, cast up his Accounts with them, and told them he had but such a Sum to pay 'em in some short Time, and that his Brother then present would stand Security for it. To which his Creditors made this civil Return, that, far from being come to ask for their Money, they had some at his Service. A Lady amongst the rest stood up and offered him 5000 Crowns; which she prayed him to accept, to supply his Occasions. The Cardinal, amazed at so great Civility, expressed his Sense of it in a most decent manner. And turning about to his Hatter, It grieves me, says he, that I must leave this good Man unpaid, to whom I own a considerable Sum. 'Tis true, answered the Hatter, that I am put to great Straits; but, that your Eminence may see, I will not come short of any of your Creditors in point of Civility and Respect to your Person, here are three Hats more, which I beg your Eminence to accept of, and carry with you to Rome. This excessive Kindness from an ordinary Tradesman, as it surprised all the Company, so it drew Tears from the Cardinal, with Thanks to Providence for the good Will of all of them towards him. And, after his Death, his Brother did so punctually answer the Cardinal's just Meaning, that none of his Creditors lost any Thing by him.  
II.  
A Gentleman, who was great with the foresaid Cardinal, went every where with him, except to Church. Which gave occasion to his Eminence to tell him, he was his Friend, usque ad Aras.  
III.  
An Author having dedicated a Latin Book to Cardinal Richelieu, and sent him a Copy of it; the Cardinal answered his Civility in these three Words only, Accepi, Legi, Probavi; that is, I have perused the Book you sent me, and do Approve of it.  
iv  
Varillás speaking to one of Cardinal Baronius, Ah! poor Baronius, says he, with his Twelve great Volumes, it was God's great Mercy, that he did write no more.  
V  
Cardinal Mazarine being told, the Peace he had made was not advantageous to the People, made this Return, 'Tis a young Tree, says he, that bears no Fruit as yet, dabit Fructum suum in tempore.  
VI  
Instead of saying, that a certain Bishop was made Cardinal, the usual saying was, that he was got into the College of Cardinals, it being the first College he happened to be a Member of.  
VII.  
A Bishop at Rome came to acquaint Cardinal Pole, that he was going to his Diocese for a Month. I am glad on't, said the Cardinal, for your sake, you will suffer so much the less in Purgatory.   

BISHOPS.  
I.  
A Bishop being gone to Rome to make his Court, in order to be made a Cardinal, the Pope told him one Day, that he was informed of his being a Bastard. To which he made this Answer, V S. a fatto tanti altri Cardinali Asini che potrebbe far un Mulo; That is to say, Your Holiness has made so many Ass' Cardinals, that you may as well raise a Mule to that Dignity.  
II.  
Another being gone to Rome for the same Purpose, came home re infectâ, and brought a great Cold with him. Which one attributed to his Coming home without a Cardinal's Cap.  
III.  
A French Bishop being consecrated in the Sorbonne, in the presence of a great many Bishops, making a Semicircle in the Dome, a Lady ravished with the sight of them in such Order said, that she thought herself in Paradise. In Paradise, replied a Gentleman who stood by her, there are not so many Bishops of our Church to be seen.  
iv  
A Gascoon, bearing a Grudge against the Bishop of Bazas his Diocesan, swore a great Oath, he would never say Prayers any more in his Diocese. Crossing over a River, the Boat had a Mischance, which made it leak. The Waterman, seeing his Boat sinking, warned the Gascoon to commend his Soul to God. Ay but, said he, are we still in the Bazadois? meaning the foresaid Bishop's Diocese.  
V  
Upon one's saying, that a certain Bishop had the Gout; another that stood by alleged the Canon that says, Si quis dixerit Episcopum podagrâ laborare, Anathema sit.  
VI  
The Bishop of Grace in France, having preached a Sermon upon Grace, I have heard (said the Bishop of Bellay, one of his Hearers) a Sermon upon Grace, delivered with a good grace, by the Bishop of Grace.  
VII.  
Some Country Bishops, being with the Archbishop of Paris, told him, they were amazed at one Thing in his Conduct, that he never had any Difference with his Chapter. 'Tis my Opinion, answered the Archbishop, that none but Country-Husbands will fall a cudgelling their Wives.  
VIII.  
The same Archbishop being made Duke and Peer of France, Now (said one) it cannot be said that Paris is Peerless.  
IX.  
A Bishop being often out when he preached, and a Lady happening to see his Picture somewhere, One would think (says she) that he preaches.  
X.  
A Bishop of Grenoble in Dauphiné, who used to wear a long Beard, had something fallen upon it, as he was eating. Which a Servant of his taking notice of, told him, something did stick to his Greatnesses Beard. Why not rather, said one that sat by, Upon the Greatness of your Beard?  
XI.  
Another French Bishop, of great Worth, but a professed Enemy to Monks, had some Difference with a great Cardinal, who then governed the Kingdom of France. This Cardinal however had him in so great esteem, that he resolved to draw him into his Party, in order to which he offered him an Abbey. Which the Bishop refused, saying, that his Conscience would not allow of Plurality of Live. The Cardinal, amazed at so unusual a Nicety of Conscience amongst Clergymen, made him this Return. My Lord, says he, you are a good Man; and I would Canonize you for a Saint, if you had not writ (as you have) against the Monks. Would to God, replied the Bishop, that it were in your Power, and that I deserved it, than we should be both satisfied. Thus he ingeniously checked the Cardinal's Ambition, by telling him, that, if he Canonised him, they should be both satisfied. For then the Cardinal must be Pope, and he a Saint, which was the Thing they aimed at.  
XII.  
A Bishop, entertaining several Prelates at Dinner, made a great show of his wonderful Quantity of Gold and Silver Plate, made by the best Workmen that could be got. The Magnificence whereof being admired by the Company, This I purchased, said the Bishop, in order to assist the Poor of my Diocese. To which one of the Company answered ingeniously, My Lord, you might have spared them the Charge of the Making.  
XIII.  
A Bishop, in the Reign of Henry VIII, being appointed by the King to go to King Francis I, with the Character of Ambassador, in a dangerous Juncture, he represented to the King, that such a threatening Embassy as he charged him with to so high-spirited a Prince as Francis I, would go near to cost him his Life, and therefore begged of the King, he would be pleased to dispense him with that Commission. Fear nothing, said the King to him, if the French King were so bold as to take away your Life, I should infallibly revenge your Death, by taking off many Heads for one from the French now in my Power. I am apt to believe it, replied the Bishop, smiling, but of all those many Heads there is none so fit for my Shoulders as this Head of mine.   

STATESMEN, AND COURTIERS.  
I.  
NOLI videri sapiens coram Principe, is a Lesson of wise Solomon, which puts me in mind of a Portugueze Statesman. Whose Prince, the King of Portugal, being about to send to the Pope, commanded him to write a Letter, whilst he wrote another, in order to send that which he should like best of the two. The Lot fell to the Statesman's Letter, as the best penned. Who therefore fled into Spain, thinking himself not safe in Portugal, upon the King's Opinion, that he had outdone him.  
II.  
When the Wars in Q. Elizabeth's Time were hot between England and Spain, there were Commissioners on both Sides appointed to Treat of Peace. Dr. Dale, a Master of Requests, was one named by the Queen for that purpose, and the Place of Congress a Town of the French King's. Where the Commissioners on both Sides being met, it was first debated in what Tongue the Negotiation should be handled. One of the Spanish Commissioners thinking to give ours a shrewd Gird, proposed the French Tongue (wherein they were best skilled) as most fit. And for these Gentlemen of England, I suppose (says he) they cannot be Ignorant of the Language of their Fellow-Subjects, their Queen being Queen of France, as well as of England. Nay in faith, my Masters, (replied Dr. Dale) the French Tongue is too vulgar for a Business of this Secrecy and Importance, especially in a French Town. We will therefore rather treat in Hebrew, the Language of Jerusalem, whereof your Master is King; and I suppose you are therein as well skilled, as we in the French Tongue.  
III.  
A Person of Quality going upon an Embassy, had this particular Instruction from his Prince, that his Conduct should be directly opposite to that of his Predecessor. To which he answered, Sir, I shall so carry myself, that your Majesty shan't need to give the like Instruction to any one that shall succeed me.  
iv  
Monsieur de Louvois being ready to set out in order to a Campagne, and offering to tell what Place he was going for, Don't tell us, says Monsieur de Roquelaure, where you go, for we shall give no Credit to it.  
V  
A Lady speaking to a prime Minister of State about an Affair of Consequence, and having no Answer from him, Pray, my Lord, said she unto him, show me some Sign that you understand me.  
VI  
To a learned Man one may say, Scire tuum Nihil est, nisi te scire hoc sciat alter; thy Knowledge signifies nothing, unless it be known to the World. To a Statesman, on the contrary, one must say, Si sciat hoc alter, scire tuum nihil est, thy Knowledge avails nothing, unless it be private to thyself. For the main part of his Learning is to know, how to keep Counsel.  
VII.  
A Minister of the Emperor, residing before the War at the Court of France, walked one day with several Courtiers in the Gallery of Versailles. Viewing some Pictures there, that set forth the greatest Actions of the King, We have also (says he) wherewithal to set out a great Gallery, by the Emperor's Conquests. 'Tis true, answered a Courtier, and the Duke of Lorraine will have a great Share therein. By which Answer he meant to insinuate, that, whereas the glorious Actions of King Lewis were performed by himself, or at least in his Presence, those of the Emperor were only performed by his Proxy the Duke of Lorraine, and in the Emperor's Absence.  
VIII.  
An old French Courtier, being grievously afflicted with the Gout, received a Visit of a Prince of the Royal Blood, of whose Party he had formerly been. That which grieves me most of all (says he to the Prince) in the Condition I am in, is, that I have quitted your Service. You ought not to grieve for that, answered the Prince, now you have the Honour to belong to the King. 'Tis true, replied the Courtier, but had I not quitted your Service, I had been long since free from the Pain I now suffer. Thus he cunningly taxed the Prince with forsaking of his Friends, after he had involved them in a Rebellion, for which they had been executed.  
IX.  
A Venetian Ambassador going to the Court of Rome, passed through Florence, where he went to pay his Respects to the late Duke of Tuscany. The Duke complaining to him of the Ambassador the State of Venice had sent him, as a Man unworthy of his Character; Your Highness, says he, must not wonder at it, for we have many idle Pates at Venice. So we have, replied the Duke, in Florence, but we don't send them abroad to treat of public Affairs.  
X.  
A Prince, jeering one of his Courtiers whom he had employed in several Embassies, told him he looked like an Ox. I know not, answered he, whom I am like unto; but this I know, that I have had the honour several times to Represent your Person. A free and pleasant Repartee, which required a great Familiarity betwixt the Subject and the Prince to be free from Censure.  
IX.  
A Roman, having entertained at Dinner Maecenas, Augustus his Favourite, Maecenas fell entertaining of his Wife with amorous Caresses, whilst her Husband made as if he had been asleep, to give him the more liberty. In the mean time spying one of his Slaves, who was stealing of a golden Cup, Thou Rogue (says he) dost not thou see that I sleep only for Maecenas?  
XII.  
A French Courtier, admired for his courtly Carriage, but especially for his Art in reviving a drooping Conversation, seeing one day the Court-Ladies stand mute before the Queen, amongst which was Madam de Guimené, broke silence, and addressing himself to the Queen, Is not this, Madam, says he, an odd Thing in Nature, that Madam de Guimené and I being born on the same Day, and at no further distance of Time than a quarter of an hour, yet she should be so fair, and I so black?  
XIII.  
The Duke of Orleans, being in a hot Summer day in the Garden of Luxemburg, between two Pavilions, where the Reflection of the Sun made the Heat excessive, one of his Attendants took upon him to tell his R. H. that Princes loved no Body. That can't be applied to me, said the Duke, who love my Friends very well. If Your Highness, said another, does not love 'em boiled, you love 'em however well roasted.  
XIV.  
The Dauphin, the Prince of Conty, and the young Admiral of France the Count of Vermandois, with several other Persons of great Quality, walking one Day along the Canal of Versailles, one came to the young Admiral. And there being upon the Canal a Boat within reach, Now, my Lord Admiral, says he, take upon you the Command of this Vessel, and make a Trial of Skill. But, whilst he excused himself upon his Want of Experience, a Gentleman stepping amongst them brought off the Admiral, saying, That he was not a freshwater Admiral.  
XV.  
Henry IV of France being come to Roven, a Precedent who came to harang him, fell short of his Speech, and could not conclude it. A Courtier near the King's Person told His Majesty, Sir, 'tis no wonder, for the Normans are mighty apt to fall short of their Word.  
XVI.  
The same King going into a Lady's Chamber, one of his Courtiers hid himself under the Bed. A Collation being brought in soon after, the King threw a Box full of Sweetmeats under the Bed, saying, Every body must live.  
XVII.  
A French Marquis used to brag every where, that he had writ to the Queen. Another, who met him by chance in the Palace, cried out to him, Sir, I beg the favour of you to Remember me to the Queen, next time you writ to Her Majesty.  
XVIII.  
A great Officer in the French King's Court, showing his noble Terrace to the Prince of Guimené, told him it stood him but in 25000 Livers. The Prince, who well knew how he came by the Money, made this smart Repartee, I thought, says he, the King had paid for it.  
XIX.  
A great Bell being made use of at a Nobleman's House to ring to Dinner, a Courtier who was to dine with him said, Will the Dinner answer to the Bell?  
XX.  
An Italian being at Dinner with a Court-Officer, who had spent all his Estate, and sold a Lordship he had, minded how little he did eat, Your Lordship (says he) does not eat. No, answered the prodigal Courtier, for 'tis all eaten.  
XXI.  
Something to that purpose are these French Verses, made upon one by Monsieur de Furetiere; 
Paul vend sa Maison de S. Clou,  
A maints Creanciers engagée.  
Il dit par tout, qu'il en est soû;  
Je le croi, car il l'a mangée.   
XXII.  
A French Courtier, who made it his Business to be constantly at Court, and to appear in the King's Presence, to relate afterwards in Company what he heard the King say, telling one day an old Courtier, that he had such an Account the Night before from the King's Mouth. And I, answered the old Courtier, heard yesterday Father Bourdaloves Sermon, who preached to me the finest Things that ever I heard. By which Answer he shown him the Vanity of his Ostentation, in appropriating to himself alone what the King had said to many more that heard him.  
XXIII.  
In the late French King's Reign there was a Precedent called Goussaut, well known for his weak Parts. A Courtier playing at Picket in a public Place, and finding he had committed an Error, I am (says he) a mere Goussaut. The Precedent, who chanced to be there unknown to the Courtier, told him, that he was a Sot. You say right, replied the Courtier, that's it I meant to say.  
XXIV.  
Another, entertaining several Gentlemen at Dinner, had but one Page to wait at Table. Growing warm with the Company, and desiring them to be merry, and drink cheerfully, Then (said one of them) give us Change for your Page; Meaning, that he must change his Page into Footmen to serve 'em with Wine, as a piece of Gold is changed for several Pieces of less Value.  
XXV.  
A Foreign Lord dancing at a Ball in the Court of France, did it so ungainly, that he made himself a laughingstock. A Friend of his, to excuse the Matter, said, He fights well, though he dances ill. Then let him Fight, and not Dance, said one who laughed with the rest.  
XXVI.  
Another being rob, going over the Pontneuf, and relating the Circumstances of it, I don't care (says he) so much for the Loss of my Money, as for that of some Love-Letters I had received from my Mistress, which the Rogues took along with it. 'Tis ten to one, answered one of the Company, but they will find out whose Hand it was. Whereby he insinuated, as if he had Pickpockets for his Rivals.  
XXVII.  
A Citizen telling a Courtier, that he had just then eased himself of a great Burden by paying a Debt he owed, and that he could not apprehend how any Man could sleep that was in Debt; For my part, answered the Courtier, I should rather wonder how my Creditors can sleep, well knowing that I shall never pay 'em.  
XXVIII.  
Another Courtier, being a Confident of the Amours of Henry IV of France, obtained a Grant from the King, for the Dispatch whereof he applied himself to the Lord High Chancellor. Who finding some Obstacle in it, the Courtier still insisted upon the Grant, and would not allow of any Impediment. Que chacun se mêle de son Metier, said the Chancellor to him, that is, let every one meddle with his own Business. The Courtier thinking, that he reflected upon him for his Confidence, My Employment (said he) is such, that, if the King were but twenty Years younger, I would not change it for three of yours.  
XXIX.  
A Marquis, having got out of the Bastille, where he had been imprisoned for a slight Offence, came to Court, and did his utmost to be taken notice of by the King. Who, being conscious that he had been too severe upon him, had some check upon him for it, insomuch that His Majesty did not care to look upon him. The Marquis perceiving it, made his Address to a Duke, and prayed him to inform the King, that he freely forgave him, and begged of his Majesty that he would be pleased afterwards to look upon him. The Duke told the King, who being pleased with it, shown ever since a gracious Countenance to the Marquis.  
XXX.  
An envious Courtier being one day very melancholy, a Gentleman asked what Misfortune had befallen him? None at all, answered another, but that the King has preferred a Man of great Worth.  
XXXI.  
A rich Partisan of France, who formerly had been a Lackey, going fast in his Coach through the Streets of Paris, a Lady walking by was bespattered with Dirt by his Horses. This Man (says she, speaking of the Partisan) is of a revengeful Spirit, he dirties us, because we have dirtied him.  
XXXII.  
The same Lady went to Law with another Partisan, who had also been a Lackey; and being gone to wait upon a Magistrate, who was to be a Judge in the Case, she stayed some time with her Livery-men in his Withdrawing Room, till he came out of his Chamber. When he came out, he wondered to see a Lady of her Quality with none but her Footmen; and was very angry with his Servants, for want of their Information. A shame, says he, to leave here a Lady of your Quality with none but Lackeys about you. Pray, Sir, replied the Lady, be not concerned at it, I am very well pleased with my Lackeys, and like them best whilst they keep in that Station. Thus she cunningly reflected upon her adverse Party.  
XXXIII.  
Sir Walter Raleigh ask a Favour of Queen Elizabeth, Sir Walter, said the Queen, When d'ye mean to leave off Begging? When your Gracious Majesty, replied he, leaves off Giving.   

MAGISTRATES.  
I.  
CAius Caesar and Bibulus were Consuls of Rome together. But this Bibulus had done so little for the Commonwealth, that when this Consulship was quoted, because two Consuls must be named, the Saying was, In the Consulship of Caius and Caesar, not of Caius Caesar and Bibulus.  
II.  
So ambitious were the Romans of the Consulship, that when Maximus died on the last Day of his, Caninius petitioned, that he might fill up as Consul the remaining part of that Day. Upon which Tully made this witty Jest, O vigilantem Consulem, qui toto Consulatus sui tempore somnum Oculos non vidit! O watchful Consul, who did not shut his Eyes all the time of his Consulship!  
III.  
Cato the Censor being asked, how it came to pass, that he had no Statue erected in his Honour, who had so well deserved of the Commonwealth? I had rather (says he) have this Question asked me, than why I had one erected.  
iv  
Fabricius, a Roman Consul, upon the Offer made to him by King Pyrrhus his Physician, to get him poisoned, sent him back his Physician with these words, Learn, O thou King, to make a better Choice both of thy Friends and Foes.  
V  
Clodius being to be tried for his Life by Roman Judges, whom he had bribed with Money to get him off, they desired a Guard to secure them, so that the Trial might be free and undisturbed. But Clodius being acquitted, one Catulus made this Reflection upon them. What made you, says he, so eager for a Convoy? Were you afraid to be rob of the Money you had of Clodius?  
VI  
After the Reduction of Paris to Henry IV, a Marshal of France formerly against the King, was bribed into a Submission to him. The Provost of Merchants of that City having newly made his Submission in the Name of the City, the said Marshal told him, that we ought to render unto Caesar the Things that are Caesar's. My Lord, said the Provost, we must render it, not sell it, reflecting upon the Marshal, as a Man bought off out of Rebellion into his Allegiance.  
VII.  
No less Ingenious was the Answer of a Lord Mayor to our King James I. Who being displeased with the City, for refusing to lend him a Sum of Money he required, threatened that he would remove his Court, with all the Records of the Tower, and the Courts of Judicature, to another Place, with farther Expressions of his Indignation. Your Majesty, answered the Lord Mayor calmly, may do what you please therein, and your City of London will still prove dutiful; but she comforts herself with the Thoughts that Your Majesty will leave the Thames behind you. Whereby he gave the King to understand, that as long as the Thames should run before the City of London, it could not fail of flourishing by the Advantage of Trade, whatever Disadvantages it lay under on his Majesty's Side.  
VIII.  
Witty, but perhaps too Jocose for his Circumstances, was the Answer of Sir Thomas Moor Lord Chancellor in the Reign of Henry VIII. Who, being committed to the Tower by the King, would not suffer his Hair or Beard to be cut. And being asked the Reason of it, The King and I, says he, are at Law about my Head, and I will be at no Charge to set it off, till I know at whose Disposal it must be.  
IX.  
The Lord Bacon, before his great Preferment, received a Visit from Queen Elizabeth in a Countryhouse lately built by him. What made you, said the Queen to him, build your House so little? Madam, answered he to the Queen, I do not build it too little, but 'tis Your Majesty that made me too great for my House. An ingenious Answer, expressing in few Words both his Modesty and Gratitude.  
X.  
When the Doge of Genova came not long since in Person to the French Court, with Submissions from the Republic little suitable to a Sovereign State, being at Versailles, and viewing the Magnificence thereof, he was asked by one of the Court, What he thought in it most worthy his Admiration? To see myself here, answered the Doge very pat.   

LADIES.  
I.  
A Lady used constantly to wait upon another at the beginning of every Year, to know what Age they must go for that Year.  
II.  
A Lady of wonderful Beauty telling another, It was a wonder to see her, received this handsome Return, And when I see you, Madam, I may say I see a Miracle.  
III.  
One that had a Petticoat extravagantly daubed with Gold and Silver, was wittily asked, What Goldsmith had made her Petticoat.  
iv  
It was the way of the late Q. Christina of Sweden to appear always in a Justaucor and a Wig. When she came to Fontainebleau, a Country Palace of the French King, several Court-Ladies come to wait on Her Majesty, stepped to salute her with a Kiss. The Queen, not liking of it, dropped these words, What Passion transports these Ladies to kiss me thus? Is it because I look like a young Man?  
V  
A Grandee of Spain having a Collar on of the Order of the Golden Fleece, (which the Prince's Favour, not his own Merit, had procured) took particular Notice of a sparkling Diamond a Court-Lady wore upon one of her Fingers, and said he had rather have the Ring than the Lady. But she fitted him as well. For, having overheard it, she presently made this Return upon him, And I should rather choose the Halter than the Horse, meaning him by the Horse, and by the Halter his Collar.  
VI  
An Author holding a fair Lady with both his hands, she got it off from 'em. Upon which a Gentleman that stood by told him, Sir, 'tis the finest Piece of Work that ever came out of your hands.  
VII.  
A Gentleman leading a Lady by the hand, she told him, he held her too fast. Madam, replied he, I'll lay with your Ladyship that before we part, you will hold me as fast. She laid to the contrary. And, whilst they were stepping into a Room, the Gentleman made as if his foot slipped; which made her hold him fast by the hand, to keep him from falling. And then she owned that she lost the Wager.  
VIII.  
A Lady, in company with a Gentleman, fell discoursing about the Influences of the Month of May, when not only the Earth, but all Creatures living upon it, find themselves revived by the Sun's Heat. After a pretty long Discourse on this Subject, I dare trust my Honesty, said she to the Gentleman, all other Months of the Year, which I dare not in May.  
IX.  
The Place of a Maid of Honour, said one, is very Ticklish, and difficult to keep.  
X.  
A Courtesan of Rome took place in a Church near a virtuous Lady; Who no sooner knew her, but she removed to another place. The Courtesan observing it, Why should you, Madam, remove thus for my sake? said she to the Lady, my Infirmity never proves catching but to such as desire it.  
XI.  
A Spanish Lady reading in a French Romance a long Conversation betwixt two Lovers, What a deal of Wit (says the Lady) is here ill bestowed? They were together, and they were alone.  
XII.  
A French Lady of great Wit jeering another in a Company where a Friend of this Lady was, her Friend took her part, and made the best of her. But the first took her up, and told her, I find, Madam, that you have eaten Garlic. Now 'tis well known, that those who have eaten Garlic, are not sensible of the ill smell of others that have also eaten of the same.  
XIII.  
A Court-Lady gone to see Versailles in the King's Absence, Is not this, said one to her, an Enchanted Palace? 'Tis so, said she, but it wants the Enchanter, meaning the King.  
XIV.  
An ancient Lady going to visit a great Man at the point of Death, his Daughter refused to let her into his Chamber, saying, that her Father was not fit for women's Visits. Madam, answered the Lady, there is no Distinction of Sex at my Age.   

Of Love, and Gallantry.  
I.  
A Gallant, taking his Leave of his dear Mistress, upon a Journey he could not dispense with, they parted with much ado, and with great Reluctancy. At last she told him, Pray, make all the haste you can, and remember that a Mistress is a Benefice that requires Residence.  
II.  
'Tis the Way in Savoy, the first time one has his Vein breathed, to be presented by his Friends. A Young Man of that Country, having received a Present from his Mistress upon such an Occasion, returned her Thanks for it, with these Words, You have (says he) considered the Wound of my Arm, but you forget that of my Heart.  
III.  
A Gentlewoman who had two Gallants, one of 'em with a wooden Leg, grew big with Child, and the Question was which of them should father it. He that had the wooden Leg offered to decide it thus. If the Child, says he, comes into the World with a wooden Leg, I shall father it; if not, the Child shall be yours.  
iv  
A wanton French Gentlewoman, being ordered by the Queen Mother (than Regent) to go into a Monastery, he that brought her the Queen's Order, told her, the Queen left her the Liberty to choose what Monastery she pleased. Then, says she, I won't go to a Nunnery, but to a Monastery of Monks, which she named, and where she might have Work enough.  
V  
Another young Lady was to be sent to a Nunnery of Fills Repenties, or Converted Maidens. But a Lady opposed it; and being asked the Reason, Because (says she) she is neither Converted, nor Maiden.  
VI  
Another as wanton as the former, blaming her Brother's extravagant Passion for Gaming, When will you leave off Gaming? said she to him. When you cease to Love, than I shall cease to Play, answered he. Then, replied the Sister, you are like to be a Gamester as long as you live.  
VII.  
A Coldness having continued some time betwixt two Persons that formerly had a Love for each other, they met accidentally in a Place, where they fell to play. But, said the Gentleman, What is it we play for? For a Return of Love, said the Lady.   

Of Roman Priests, Jesuits, and Monks; with Passages upon their Preaching, and the Auricular Confession.  
I.  
A Roman Priest, being grievously troubled with the Stone, resolved to be Cut. But, when the Surgeon was ready for the Operation, Won't it (says he) disable me from the Act of Generation?  
II.  
Another being in drink, when a Child was brought him to Church to be Baptised, could not find out the Ministration of Baptism in the Ritual. At last, having turned over many a Leaf to little purpose, This Child, says he, is very hard ●o Baptise.  
III.  
A Priest, being asked what Saint was ●he Patron of his Church, His Name 〈◊〉 answered he) I know not, only I know him 〈◊〉 sight.  
iv  
At Nola, in the Kingdom of Naples, the Jesuits have a College called d'Arquo, the Bow; and another in France, at a Town of Anjou, called lafoy Fleche, or the Arrow. On which one wittily composed this following Distich; 
Arcum Nola dedit, dedit illis alma Sagittam  
Gallia, quis Funem quem meruere dabit?  In English thus.  
Nola the Bow, and France the Shaft did bring,  
But who shall help them to the hempen String?  
V  
There are Monks, said one, that have a strict Rule, and a large Conscience. The Outside of whose Monasteries is all Peace and Religion, whilst the Devil and War are within.  
VI  
'Tis strange, said another, that the Minims should eat no Flesh, and yet smell so much as they do of a Shoulder of Mutton.  
VII.  
A Bernardine Monk having invited a Benedictine to Supper, the first desired the other to say Grace, or (as they call it) the Benedicite, Benedictus, says he, benedicat. The other, in answer to it, made this Return, Bernardus Bernardet.  
VIII.  
The Thunder fell one day upon the Steeple of the Augustine's Church at Paris. Upon which one said, It was God's great Mercy, he had sacrificed only their Steeple to his Justice; for, had the Thunder fallen into the Kitchen, 'tis like they had all perished.  
IX.  
A Gentleman, seeing the Monks called Fevillans' building according to the several Orders of Architecture, asked why they did not rather build according to their Order?  
X.  
A late French Bishop had no sooner given up the Ghost, but his Room was presently plundered. A Cordelier, among the rest, having got the Bishop's Breviar, snatched also a rich Crucifix, saying, Crucifixus etiam pro nobis.  
XI.  
A Monk being sent from Angers to Paris, to be punished for his lewd Course of Life amongst Women, was brought before a Judge, who had then two Ladies with him. 'Tis for your sakes, Ladies, said the Monk, that I am now brought to this. Had not you been, replied the Judge, so lose upon Ladies, you would not have brought these Fetters on yourself.  
XII.  
In a Book printed at Bourdeaux, 'tis said, that a Carmelite knocking at Heaven's Door, St. Peter would not let him in, saying, We see none here but Carmelites, When you can make up a Dozen, you shall be let in, not before.  
XIII.  
An Abbot who had a mind to make his Abbey secular, told the French King, that he had the worst Monks in the World, and that they would not say the Exaudiat. If they be so bad, said the King, I ought not to rely upon their Prayers, and do freely dispense them with their Exaudiat.  
XIV.  
Another, who had four Abbeys, three of which he bestowed upon his Nephews, invited one Day a Friend of his to come and play with him at Picket. I don't care, answered his Friend, to play with a Man who discarded so many Abbeys.  
XV.  
Another Abbot, extremely given to Playing, lost 2000 l. at least at one sitting with a Duke. The Duke pressed him for the Payment, so that the Abbot wa● fain to sell all he had, which fell much short of the Sum. An Interposer prayed the Duke to forgive the rest, in Acknowledgement whereof the Abbot should make an Ode to his Praise, but the worst he could make. For, says he, when the World shall know, that you made so great a Present for a wretched Piece, they will conclude you would have been much more liberal for a good one.  
XVI.  
'Tis said of Father Bourdalove, that, when he preached at Roven, the Tradesmen left their Shops, the Merchants their Business, the Lawyers their Clients, and the Physicians their Patients, to hear him. But he that preached there the next Year after settled Things in so a good Posture, that none of them forsook their Employments.  
XVII.  
Such a one might be that Preacher, who so tired his Auditory with a Sermon he made upon Bliss or Happiness, that one told him after Sermon, Sir, you forgot one part of Happiness, happy are they that did not hear your Sermon.  
XVIII.  
Another having divided his Text into 22 Heads, one of his Hearers went out of Church in great haste. And being asked where he went, To fetch my Nightcap, (says he) for I find we shall lie here to Night.  
XIX.  
A Preacher, whose Sermons no body cared to hear, entreated a Friend of his to come to hear him. But he begged his Excuse, saying, that he was loath to disturb him in his Solitude.  
XX.  
Another, who had not the luck to please his Auditors, He did better last Year, said one. How can that be? said another, for he did not preach at all. In that very Thing he did better, replied the first.  
XXI.  
Another, preaching at Paris to a few Hearers, gave occasion for one to say, that be preached seed vacant. Something like unto it is the Saying of one concerning a Professor, who read his Lectures alone, that he was Vox clamantis in Deserto.  
XXII.  
One speaking of a Preacher, whom he heard at a great distance, He spoke (said he) with his Hand, and I heard him with my Eyes.  
XXIII.  
Of two Preachers, one had a Faculty of making a great Noise in the Pulpit. Who passing his Verdict upon himself and the other, He preaches (says he) very well, and I very loud.  
XXIV.  
A Learned Man of the Roman Church comparing the Way of Preaching of the Ancient Fathers of the Church with that of our Modern Preachers, said, The Ancient Fathers preached with Zeal and Learning, whereas in our Days we admire most a good Memory and a great Stock of Confidence.  
XXV.  
A Friar observing from the Pulpit a Woman babbling with another, checked her openly for it. Being nettled at it, up she starts, and cries to the Friar again, Marry, Sir, I beshrew his Heart that babbles most of us two; I did but whisper a Word with my Neighbour here, and thou hast babbled there a good large hour.  
XXVI.  
During the Tumults in Paris in 1649, the seditious Party were called Frondeurs, that is, Slingers. These in 52, put Straw upon their Hats, to distinguish themselves from the opposite Party, who wore Paper. A Canon, preaching at that time to the Bernardine Monks, had the lucky hit to apply these Words of Job to the Straw-Party, In stipulam versi sunt Lapides fundae, the Sling-stones are converted into Straw.  
XXVII.  
A Roman Catholic confessing to a Priest, that he had drunk very hard after Absolution, pulled some Money out of his Pocket, to present his Confessor with. Who refused it, saying, You had best keep your Money to drink.  
XXVIII.  
Another so strangely given to Swearing, that he could scarce speak three Words together without rapping an Oath, confessed, that nothing was more frequent with him, than to say, The Devil take me. Whereupon the Confessor told him, how wicked and dangerous such an Expression was; and did so terrify him, that he broke out into these Words, The Devil take me, if I swear any more.  
XXIX.  
A beautiful young Lady of Spain being at Confession, the Priest charmed with her Beauty, and desirous to get her Acquaintance, asked her her Name. But the Lady, unwilling to satisfy his wanton Curiosity, checked him in these few Words, Father (said she to him) my Name is not a Sin.  
XXX.  
A Monk, having quitted his Order, made his Address for Relief to Maurice, Prince of Orange. The Prince asked him, Cujus causâ hûc venisti? Religionis, said the Monk. His Highness asked him again, Religio, cujus Generis? Faeminini, replied the Monk. Ergo, added the Prince, tu hûc venisti propter Genus faemininum. Which was a hint to the Monk, how sensible Prince Maurice was, that the Conversion of most Monks is very much liable to suspicion, and that their turning Protestant's does too often proceed from a lose Principle, more than a true Sense of Religion.   

LAWYERS.  
I.  
AN eminent Counsellor at Law, being asked why he took upon him so many bad Causes, being so good a Lawyer; I have (says he) been cast in so many good Causes, and got the better in so many bad ones, that I am to seek which to choose.  
II.  
Lysias having given his Plea to his adverse Party to peruse, this read it three times, and gave his Thoughts of it in these Words. The first time (says he) I read it, I liked it well; the second time, not so well; and the third, not at all. Then, replied Lysias, it will pass, for the Court will hear it but once.  
III.  
A Counsellor blind of one Eye, pleading at the Bar with his Spectacles on, said, he would produce nothing but what was ad Rem, to the Point. Then, said the adverse Party, you must take out one Glass of your Spectacles, which indeed was Insignificant.  
iv  
Another ill favoured Counsellor, who had but half a Nose left, could not read audibly a Writing that was relating to his Plea. One of the Judges, who had a well-sized Nose, called for Spectacles to help him to read. Sir, said the Counsellor being nettled at it, I hope, if I get Spectacles, you will lend me your Nose to clap 'em on.  
V  
One, whose way was to read all his Pleas, having done Reading, another stood up against him. Who was so often interrupted by the first, that he told him at last, Sir, by your favour, I let you Read a whole hour without Interruption, pray, let me plead quietly one half Hour.  
VI  
An Advocate of Toulouse in France, called Adam, made the Precedent all his Speeches; except one he ventured to make, in Adam's absence. Which when the Precedent delivered, he was so puzzled with it, that it made one of the Assistant Judges cry out, Vbi es Adam? where art thou Adam?  
VII.  
A Pickpocket in France, being taken in the Fact at a Court of Judicature, was immediately brought before the Court, to answer the Charge; and, as the way is there, had Counsel allowed him, and appointed by the Court, for his Defence. Whereupon his Counsel took him aside, and asked him, if he had picked any Man's Pocket? 'Tis true enough, says he. Hold your tongue, replied the Counsel, and follow my Advice. Go thy ways, and make thy Escape with full speed. No sooner said, but done. And, whilst the Delinquent took his Opportunity, his Counsel came gravely to the Bar again. The Court asked him, what he had to say in his Client's Defence. Gentlemen, says he, he has freely owned to me the Matter of Fact. But he being under no Guard, and I appointed his Counsel by the Court, I thought the best Counsel I could give him was to make his escape; upon which he vanished away presently. This proved a Subject of Laughter, and nothing amiss could be fixed upon the Lawyer.  
VIII.  
A studious Man in the Law took upon him to cut a Partridge at Dinner, but could never hit the Joint. Sir, said one of the Guests, Were it not better for you to know less of the Law, and understand Anatomy better?   

PHYSICIANS.  
I.  
TWO Physicians being in Consulsultation about a Patient, they spoke Latin together, not thinking he understood it. At last one of them talked of a Remedy, which had not been yet experienced, and said unto the other, Faciamus periculum in animâ vili, let us try it upon this poor Soul. Which the Patient overhearing, he got upon his Knees, and said, Vilem Animam appellas, pro quâ Christus non dedignatus est mori?  
II.  
Seneca used to say of a multitude of Books, Onerat discentem Turba, the great Number of them is rather burdensome, than useful. But one may better say of Physicians, Onerat Aegrotum Turba, nothing is more pernicious to a sick Body, than a Crowd of Physicians. For commonly the ablest of 'em is the most contradicted, and minded the least of all.  
III.  
Mercatus, Physician to Ferdinand King of Spain, was so familiar with his Master, that acting one day the part of a Surgeon in dressing the King's Leg, which had a Bone out of Joint, he told him, he deserved a thousand Pistols for this Piece of Service. To which the King made this ingenious Return, Sume quantum vis, habes Claviculum.  
iv  
A facetious Doctor being sent for to a Gentleman, who could take no Rest for a Rheum he had in one of his Eyes, upon Examination of the Matter, Cheer up, says he to his Patient, your Case is not desperate; in few Days all will be well, if you can but See it.   

ORATORS, AND PHILOSOPHERS.  
I.  
WHEN Plato withdrew from the Court of Dionysius, who would fain have had a famous Philosopher for his Flatterer, they parted in some Unkindness, and Dionysius bade him not to speak ill of him, when he was returned into Greece. Plato told him, he had no leisure for it; meaning, that he had better Things to mind, than to take up his Thoughts with, and talk of the Faults of so bad a Man, so notoriously known to all the World.  
II.  
When Men speak ill of thee, said Plato, live so, as no body may believe them.  
III.  
Photion was very tart in the Orations he made to the Athenians; whereas Demosthenes used a quite contrary Method, and soothed them up in his Speeches. If this People, says Demosthenes to Photion, do once break lose upon thee, thou art undone, and they will sacrifice thy Life to their Fury. Thou runnest the same hazard, replied Photion to Demosthenes, if ever they come to themselves.  
iv  
Alexander the Great having sent rich Presents to Photion, he refused them; and asked his Ambassadors, to what purpose he had sent them to him? Because (said they) he looks upon you as the most worthy Man of Athens. Then, replied he, all I desire of him is to leave me such as he takes me to be.  
V  
It was a pretty Fancy of Diogenes, when he perceived a tedious Discourse drawing near to a Conclusion, to express his Joy in these Words, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, I see Land.  
VI  
The same, being brought before Philip King of Macedon, Philip called him a Spy. I am so, answered Diogenes, but it is of thy Ambition.  
VII.  
Being banished out of Sinope, his Birth-place, he ridiculed his Judges in these Lines he sent them from Athens. You have, says he, banished me from my Native Place, and I confine you to your Houses. You dwell at Sinope, I at Athens. Here I converse with the best Men of Greece, whilst you keep company with the worst of Men.  
VIII.  
The same Diogenes, seeing a Company of unskilful Archers, none of which could shoot near the Mark, went and stood just before it. Being warned to stand off, he refused it, saying, he was in the safest Place.  
IX.  
Bias, the Philosopher, being in a Ship with a Company of lewd Men that called upon the Gods in the distress of a Storm, Hold your Tongues, says he to 'em, that (if possible) the Gods may forget you are here. Thus he pleasantly reminded them of their Vices, and the Punishment they might expect from the Gods whom they called upon.  
X.  
Aristippus being asked what he learned by Philosophy, I learned (says he) to live well with all the World.  
XI.  
How comes it, said Dionysius the Tyrant to Aristippus, that Philosophers are often seen to court Princes, and no Prince minds Philosophers? Because, answered Aristippus, Philosophers know their Wants, and Princes do not know their own. By which Answer he meant, that, when Philosophers want Necessaries, they know how to apply to Princes for a Supply; but when Princes are in want of Virtue, Wisdom, or good Counsel, they are often ignorant of it, which makes 'em neglect the Means to purchase it. The Truth is, our Philosopher (I mean Aristippus) was none of those conceited Philosophers, who asserted Riches did no ways contribute to the Happiness of one's Life, and made it their Business by a show of Arguments to render Wealth contemptible. But, as he knew the Conveniencies thereof, so he could make shift without it, and frame himself to all sorts of Conditions.  
XII.  
The same Philosopher making his Address to the foresaid Tyrant, in the behalf of a Friend of his, and being denied what he asked, he threw himself at his feet to obtain it, and did then obtain it. He was blamed by several for making such a Submission, which they thought below a Philosopher. But he confuted them by this witty Saying, that Dionysius had his Ears at his Feet; Meaning, that he heard none but such as humbled themselves before him.  
XIII.  
A rich Athenian asked him what he would have to instruct his Son. Five hundred Drachms, said Aristippus. Five hundred, replied the Athenian, I could buy a Slave for that Money. Buy one, replied Aristippus, and so thou shalt have two, meaning his Son by the other. Thus he gave him to understand, that his Son would have the Vices of a Slave, if the Father did not bestow what was convenient upon him to bring him up.  
XIV.  
Socrates having saluted one who took no notice of it, his Friends were angry at the Man's Incivility. Why should you be angry, said Socrates, at the Man, because he is not as civil as I am?  
XV.  
Timon, so famous for his hatred to the whole Mankind, and therefore called Misanthropos, being invited to Dinner by one who affected to imitate him in his Hatred, This is, said the Man to Timon, a pleasant Feast. 'Twould be so, replied Timon, if thou wast not here.  
XVI.  
Cicero was very lucky in his Wipes. To a Senator, who was but a tailor's Son, he said, Rem acu tetigisti. And to a Lawyer, who was a Cook's Son, Ego quoque tibi Jure favebo.  
XVII.  
To one who reflected upon the Meanness of his Birth, he said, The Nobility of thy Family ends with thee, but the Nobility of mine gins with me.  
XVIII.  
To another, Metellus by name, who asked him what his Father was, he made this return, 'Twould be much more difficult, says he, to guests who was thy Father. Which struck home, Metellus his Mother having a wanton Character.  
XIX.  
A late Orator got his Hair cut off, in order to wear a Wig; which did so strangely alter his Countenance, that his nearest Friends could scarce know him again. Being employed to open a Conference, which he did to admiration, a Friend of his told him, after the Conference, Sir, I knew you again only by your Eloquence.   

AUTHORS.  
I.  
CICERO, to express what Advantage he reaped from reading of good Authors, has these Words, Soleo saepe in aliena Castra transire, non tanquam Profuga, sed tanquam Explorator.  
II.  
Pura Impuritas is the Character Lipsius gives of Petronius. Pura, in reference to the Style; Impuritas, meaning the obscene Discourses that are in it.  
III.  
An Author making a System of the World, and having spent many whole Days about it, Remember, says a Friend of his unto him, that, when God created the World, he rested the seventh Day.  
iv  
Isaac Vossius, entertaining one Day Monsieur de Sorbiere at Dinner, pressed him to drink, telling him, that Sorberius came à Sorbendo.  
V  
An Author's House being on fire, whilst he was poring on his Books, he called to his Wife, and bade her look to it. You know, says he, I don't concern myself with the Household.  
VI  
When Varillas his History of Heresies came out, his very Friends found many Flaws in it. Which made one of them tell him, between Jest and Earnest, that he had writ a Book full of Heresies.  
VII.  
Dr. Heylin, a noted Author amongst us, especially for his Cosmography, happened to lose his Way, going to Oxford, in the Forest of Whichwood. Being then attended by one of his Brother's Men, the Man earnestly entreated him to lead the Way, till he had brought him past the Wood to the open Fields. But the Doctor telling him, he could not tell which Way to lead him, Strange! said the Fellow, that you, who made a Book of the whole World, cannot so much as find your Way out of this Wood  
VIII.  
The French Book called Les Origines de la Langue Françoise, and written by Monsieur Menage, being mentioned to Queen Christina, Menage (says she) is a Man, who will not only know whence a Word comes, but whether it goes.  
IX.  
One having writ a Book, in order to publish it, sent it first to a competent Judge to peruse it, and have his Opinion of it. Who having perused the same, told him his Opinion was, that he should leave out one Half, and suppress the other.  
X.  
Another being come to wait on a Learned Man in the Winter Season, and sitting with him by the Fire, pulled a Copy out of his Pocket, which he intended for the Press, and begged of him to cast his Eye upon it. Who having read some Pages over, but finding little or nothing in't fit for the Public, held the Book to the Fire; saying, Sir, if you please, we may bring it to Light presently, and you will find this the best way to gratify the Public.  
XI.  
A Gentleman telling an Author, that he was reduced to live upon the Muse's Milk; That cannot be, replied the Author, being the Muses are Virgins, and therefore without Milk, unless you have prostituted them.  
XII.  
In the Year 1665, the French Academy were very busy in settling the Gender of a Comet; some being for the Masculine, and others for the Feminine Gender. At last starts up one of their Members, saying, To what purpose is all this Debate, when the Comet now to be seen may easily determine the Point? 'Tis but looking, adds he, under its Tail.  
XIII.  
An Author, having found but one Fault of the Printer's in a Book of his finished at the Press, was in a quandary, whether he should make it Errata or Erratum. But a Friend of his told him, Let me but peruse the Book, I warrant you I shall find another Fault, and that will make it Errata.  
XIV.  
A French Author, in an Epigram of his against a Maker of Anagrams, expresses thus the Pains he takes to find Words in Words, Evisceratis Verba quaerit in Verbis.  
XV.  
Daniel Heinsius loved Drinking, which discomposed him sometimes for his Lectures. After one of his drinking Bouts, some unlucky Students pasted up these Words over the Door of his Lecture-Room, Daniel Heinsius non leget hodie, propter hesternam Crapulam.  
XVI.  
To one saying, that Tertullian's Style is Dark, it was answered, that it is like Ebony, full of glorious Darkness.  
XVII.  
Monsieur Vaugelas having obtained a Pension from the late French King, by the Mediation of Cardinal Richelieu, the Cardinal told him, I hope, Sir, you will not forget the word Pension in your Dictionary. No, my Lord, answered Vaugelas, neither will I forget the Word Gratitude.  
XVIII.  
A famous Member of the French Academy, being gone to the Academy, took the Abbot Furetiere's Place, whom he had had no Kindness for. Some time after, he said, reflecting upon Furetiere, Here's a Place, Gentlemen, where I am like to come out with a thousand Impertinencies. Go on, answered Furetiere, there's one out already.   

POETS.  
I.  
PHiloxenes, a Greek Poet, having been condemned by Dionysius the Tyrant to work in the Quarries, for not approving some Verses of his making, the Tyrant released him to show him some new Verses of his. And, as he had a great Ambition to pass for a good Poet, so he did not doubt but the Releasing of Philoxenes would induce him to give his Approbation to this his Trial of Skill. But he was much surprised, when the Poet hearing his new Verses, cried out, Let me go back again to the Quarry.  
II.  
Another Poet, who had often presented Augustus with Verses to his Praise, the Emperor in a jocose humour told him one Day, that it was but just, he should make him some Return for his Verses, and at the same time presented him with an Epigram he had made. Which being read by the Poet, he presently pulled a Purse out of his Pocket, in which were some Pieces of Gold. This he presented to the Emperor, telling him, that he wished he had a better Present to make him, in Return of his fine Verses. Thus he cunningly insinuated to the Emperor, that a Poet ought not to be paid by a Prince in his own Coin; and Augustus was so pleased with the Fancy, that the Poet fared much the better for it afterwards.  
III.  
Pontanus having made an Enigm upon a Hole, in this following Verse, 
Dic mihi quid majus fiat quo pluria demas;  
Scriverius answered extempore,  
Pontano demas Carmina, major erit.   
iv  
When Mary Stuart was Wife to King Francis I, this Verse was made upon her, Jure Scotos, Gallos' Thalamo, Spe possidet Anglos.  
V  
An Italian Poet having offered a Copy of Verses of his to the Censure of an excellent Critic, he made such Corrections and Alterations in it, that it proved quite another Thing. Tutto se nê andato in limatura? Is all filled away into Dust? said the Poet, upon sight of it. Which is taken out of Pliny Junior, who says in one of his Epistles, Ferrum expoliendo non tam splendescit quàm atteritur, Iron wears out more than it grows bright, by polishing.  
VI  
A French Poet, having made an Ode to the King, applied himself to Malherbe, as a competent Judge, in order to improve it. Who, upon the perusal of it, told him, it wanted but four Words; which the Poet prayed him to write down himself. Malherbe taking his Pen writ under the Title AV ROI, To the King, these four Words, Pour torcher son Cull, To wipe his Backside. That done, he folded up the Paper, and gave it to the Poet; who, suspecting no Shame put upon him, returned him a thousand Thanks for it.  
VII.  
One Quinault, a Frenchman, having made a Play, which was going to be acted, he explained the Drift of it to a Gentleman. The Scene, says he to him, is in Cappadocia; and, to be a competent Judge of the Piece, one must travel thither, and understand the Genius of the People. You are in the right, answered the Gentleman, who had no great liking unto it, and my Opinion is, that Cappadocia would be the most proper Place for that Play to be acted in.  
VIII.  
Another Poet presenting the Prince of Condé with Moliere's Epitaph, the Prince told him, Would to God it were Moliere himself with your Epitaph. Thus that clearsighted Prince expressed in a lively manner the great Respect he had for the deceased Poet, and the slender Esteem he had for the living.  
IX.  
Bonnefons, a French Poet, who lived in the Reign of Henry III of France, is much admired to this Day for his Love-Poetry; but especially for one piece of it, which gins thus, Dic, Acus, mihi, quid meae Puellae, etc. The same he concludes, bidding the Needle to prick his Mistress' Heart, not her Finger; which he does in these three admirable Verses.  
Quantam hinc referes, Superba, Laudem!  
Hâc te cuspide vulnerâsse Pectus,  
Quod nullis potuit Cupido Telis.  
X.  
Another French Poet of good Fame, being blamed for going always on foot, made these Extempore Verses; 
Je voi d'illustres Cavaliers,  
Avec Laquais, Carosse, & Pages;  
Mais ils doivent leurs Equipages,  
Et je ne dois pas mes Souliers.   
XI.  
This following Epigram was made against Bell-Ringers, as a troublesome sort of Men in Society; 
Great Persecutors of the Land,  
Who to our Quiet are a Check,  
I wish you had about your Neck,  
The Rope that you hold in your hand.   
XII.  
An English Poet, having made an excellent Panegyric of Oliver Cromwell, undertook to make one of King Charles TWO, which fell much short of the other. Being asked the Reason of it, We Poets, said he to the King, have always better luck in Fictions, than Realities.   

PAINTERS, AND PICTURES.  
I.  
AN Italian Painter, having drawn S. Peter's Picture bespoken by the Pope, His Holiness found fault with it, that it was too high-coloured. To which the Painter made this bold Return, that he had represented S. Peter, blushing at the Lives of his Successors.  
II.  
A Gentleman, seeing a very good Picture of S. Bruno, the Founder of the Carthusian Order, and being asked his Opinion of it, Were not it, says he, for his silent Rule, it would speak.  
III.  
The Ear only (said one of a good Picture) and not the Eye, can find that it wants Speech.  
iv  
A Gentleman observing, in a carved Piece, Justice and Peace kissing each other, Do but mind (says he to a Friend of his that stood by) how they embrace and kiss each other; They are doubtless upon parting, and never will meet again.  
V  
A Picture looked upon to be the Masterpiece of the famous le Brun, representing Darius his Royal Family at the Feet of Alexander, stood between two Originals, one of Raphael Urbin, and the other of Paul Veronese. Cardinal Chigi, a Nephew of Pope Alexander VII, being asked his Opinion about le Brun's Picture, 'Tis very fine, says he, but it has two ill Neighbours. By which Answer he ingeniously gave the preeminency to the two other Pictures, and gave the French to understand that le Brun's Picture (though never so good) was not fit to be exposed near such Originals.   

SCHOLARS.  
I.  
IT was a pat Answer, which a Scholar made to Queen Elizabeth; who asked him in Latin, how often he had been whipped? His Answer was in these Words Of Virgil, Infandum, Regina, jubes renovare Dolorem.  
II.  
No less ingenious was that poor Schol-boy, whose Condition the Queen being informed of, Her Majesty bade him make some Verses upon this, Pauper ubique jacet. Which he wittily performed thus, 
In Thalamis, Regina, tuis hâc Nocte jacerem,  
Si verum hoc esset, Pauper ubique jacet.   
III.  
A Scholar riding on Horseback, and finding that whatever he said to the Horse in English could not make him go fast enough, tried at last what he could do in Latin. Non ibis, mala Bestia, says he to his Horse, etiam admotis Calcaribus? That is, Won't you go neither, you dull Animal, though I spur thee never so much?  
iv  
Another gone a hunting was forewarned to be silent, lest he should fright the Game away. He happened to see some Rabbits, which made him cry out in Latin, Ecce Cuniculi. The Rabbits hearing his Voice fled, and he wondered (said he) how they should come to understand Latin.  
V  
An University Scholar being so hot in Discourse at the Hall-Table that the Fellows could hear him, the Dean sent to him to be quiet, with these words, Vir sapit qui pauca loquitur. To which he returned this Answer, Vir loquitur qui pauca sapit.   

WAR, OFFICERS, AND SOLDIERS.  
I.  
A Great Difference (said one) betwixt Peace and War is this, that in Times of Peace the Sons bury their Fathers, whereas in Time of War the Fathers bury their Sons.  
II.  
Salustius says, the Romans warred with the gaul's pro Salute, for their Preservation; but with the other Nations pro Gloria, to advance their Glory.  
III.  
Upon the least Victory got by MARCUS ANTONIUS, there could hardly be found Beasts enough for Sacrifices. Which made his Friends tell him once, as they were going to Engage, We are undone, if you get the Victory.  
iv  
At the Battle of Newport, the Prince of Orange having the Spanish Army before him, and the Sea behind him, did thus encourage his Soldiers. If (says he) you will live, you must either eat the Spaniards before us, or drink the Sea behind us. They chose the first, and fell upon the Spaniards with such an Appetite, that they got an entire Victory over them.  
V  
When Darius, King of Persia, sent Presents to Epaminondas, that famous Greek Captain, he spoke thus to those who brought them. If Darius, says he, be desirous to keep a good Correspondence with the Thebans, he needs not purchase my Friendship; and, if he thinks otherwise, tell him (as Potent as he is) that he has not Wealth enough to corrupt me. A noble and generous Answer, showing in a lively manner both the greatness of his Soul, and the clearness of his Understanding.  
VI  
A valiant Commander, being told that the Enemy did far exceed him in Numbers, undauntedly made this return. Then (says he) there will be enough for us to kill, enough to take Prisoners, and enough to run away.  
VII.  
Le Baron des Adrets, a Ringleader of the Huguenots Party, having took a Castle from the Roman Catholics, condemned the Garrison to leap down from the Top of a Tower belonging to the Castle. One of the Soldiers stepped twice forward to the brink of the Precipice, but frighted with the sight of it stepped back every time. The Baron bade him leap without any further delay, and threatened to put him to greater Torments, if he declined it the third time. Sir, answered the Soldier, if you find the Thing so easy, do you take (if you please) four Times to do it in. Which Fancy the Baron was so taken with, that he freely forgave him for it.  
VIII.  
A French Officer ask an Englishman, when we were forced to quit France, what Time he thought we should Return thither? When (says he) your Sins are greater than ours.  
IX.  
A young Officer, speaking of the Marshal de Turenne, said, that he was a pretty Man. And you, my Son, said the Father who stood by, are a pretty Sot, to speak thus of the greatest General in the World.  
X.  
A Soldier, being in the Trenches, was called to Dinner by his Comrades. But he answered, He would eat nothing, till he were sure of a good Digestion.  
XI.  
A Braggadochio chanced, upon an Occasion, to run away with full speed. Which made one ask him, what was become of his great Courage? 'Tis run down, says he, to my Heels.  
XII.  
In a Sea-fight betwixt the Venetians and the Turks, a Venetian ran into the Hold, and kept snug there till the Fight was over. When he found the shooting over, he peeped up, and said, Siam' presis, ò aviam preso? Are We, or the Turks, beaten?   

TRADESMEN, AND COUNTRYMEN.  
I.  
SEveral Tradesmen had great Sums of Money owing them by a Gentleman, who put them off from Day to Day. One of them coming too close upon him with a pressing Language, he gave him a box on the Ear. The Tradesman went to a Magistrate, and complained of it; who advised him to leave his Bills with him, and he would take care to see them paid. Some time after, the said Magistrate brought the Bills to the Gentleman, and asked him whether the Tradesman had received any Thing in part? Yes, Sir, (says he) he had a good Box on the Ear.  
II.  
A Dier being commanded by the Court to hold up his Hand, it being all black, the Judge bade him pull off his Glove. My Lord, replied the Dier, You had more need put on your Spectacles.  
III.  
A Tradesman that would never work by Candle-light, was asked the reason why? To save Candles, says he; A Penny saved is a Penny got.  
iv  
One admiring the Happiness of Clergymen used to say, I will be a Clergyman in this World, whatever comes on't in the next.  
V  
Another seeing a Wax-taper covered with Lewis D'or, and carried for an Offering to a Saint, being in a Rapture at the sight of it, cried out, How glorious and taking are the Church Ceremonies?  
VI  
A melting Sermon being preached in a Country-Church, all fell a weeping, except a Countryman. Who being asked, why he did not weep with the rest? Because (says he) I am not of this Parish.  
VII.  
A Countryman admiring the stately Fabric of S. Paul's Cathedral, asked, Whether it was made in England, or brought from beyond Sea.  
VIII.  
Another being an Eunuch, was asked by a Gentleman, how he came to have no Beard? The Countryman, observing he had a Red one, made him this Return; Sir, says he, when God was pleased to make the Distribution of Beards, I came when there was none left but Red ones to distribute; and I chose rather to be without a Beard, than to have a Red one.  
IX.  
One, finding himself Indisposed, went to consult a Physician. Who advised him to take a Glister at Night, to be let Blood and take a Glister the next Day, and Physic the Day after. Being returned home, and considering that he was to go a Journey, he took all at once; and so set forward, without any prejudice to his Health.  
X.  
Another being at the point of Death, his Son was sent to the Priest of the Parish something late in the Night. The Priest was fast asleep; and the Countryman, loath to awake him, knocked at his Door as modestly as he could. Thus he waited three hours at the Door, before he could speak to the Priest, as he owned it to him. Who, after he had blamed him for not knocking harder, Friend, says he to him, to be sure your Father is dead by this time, 'tis too late for me to go. Don't fear, replied the Countryman, for my Neighbour Pierrot promised me, that he would keep him in Discourse, till I came back.  
XI.  
A Woman, whose Husband was gone to the Wars, received Information of her Husband's being slain in a Battle. Great was her Moan upon it, which drew her neighbouring Gossips about her. One of which told her, for her Comfort, Your Husband (says she) had so great a Love for you, that, had he lost his Life, as is reported, you would have had an Account of it from himself.   

MASTERS, AND SERVANTS.  
I.  
A Steward to the late Duke of Guise represented unto him the Necessity he lay under to lessen his Retinue, and gave him a List of several Servants that he thought fit to dismiss. The Prince having examined it, 'Tis true (says he) I might make shift without them; but did you ask them, if they could make shift without me? Thus, without disproving his Steward's Argument, he baffled it by a stronger Reason drawn from his generous Nature, and a Principle of Justice, requiring all Masters to have a due Regard for such as have been their Servants.  
II.  
A young Prince having learned all his Exercises, and made his Course of Study, one of his Servants was asked wherein he was most skilled? In Riding the great Horse, said he, for his Horses never flattered him. Whereby he slily insinuated, that those who had the Care of his Studies stood guilty of Flattery.  
III.  
A Master speaking of his Servant, I command more (says he) than any Man, for before my Servant obeys me in one thing, I must command him ten times over.  
iv  
A great Newsmonger being one day surrounded with People, to hear what News he had, he spied out amongst them a Livery-man, whom he bade go his ways. Upon which he made this Return, 'Tis my Master (says he) that sent me to keep a Place for him.  
V  
Upon Execution-Days, it was the Way of a Gentleman to send out his Footmen to see the Execution, and that he called sending them to School.  
VI  
A Man of Quality entertaining at Dinner several Persons of his Rank, one of his principal Servants did something that did not please him; for which he gave him a Check before all the Company in Words to this purpose, You little know (says he) how to carry yourself, as you ought. Sir, replied the Servant, how should I know better, that never lived from you?  
VII.  
A Gentleman being gone to wait upon another, one of his Servants told him, There was no speaking to his Master, he being in a secret Rapture with his Lady.  
VIII.  
A diligent Lackey, come all in a muck-sweat to his Master, told him, Sir, I made all the haste I could. You need say no more, replied his Master, for I smell it out very well.  
IX.  
A Gentleman in Company with others said, he knew not an honest Man, and strenuously maintained his Proposition, which some of the Company took offence at. Whilst they were hot upon this Debate, a Servant of the Gentleman, in whose House they were, came to tell his Master, there was an honest Man below who desired to speak to him. An honest Man, said his Master, how do you know that, you Rascal? (Upon which words he gave him a blow with his Cane) Do you pretend to be more knowing than that Gentleman, who says, he knows not so much as one honest Man? The Blow was given, and the Servant cried out amain. But, to quiet him, his Master gave him a Crown-piece.   

MARRIED MEN AND WOMEN.  
I.  
A Man looked upon to be Rich, but very much Indebted, courted a good Fortune, and got her. Some Days before their Marriage, he used this Stratagem, to smother the Reflections he expected upon the account of his Debts. Being in the House of his future Mother-in-Law, he walked one day wrapped up with his Cloak, in a melancholy posture. Upon sight whereof, she fearing he was out of Order, asked him several times, What was the Matter with him? To which he answered as often, Nothing. Soon after he was married, his Mother-in-Law, seeing what she little expected, a Crowd of Creditors with him, Son (saith she) you have deceived me. You may remember, Madam, if you please (replied the Son-in-Law) how often I answered Nothing, when you asked me, before I married, What was the Matter with me?  
II.  
An old rich Counsellor, had only one Daughter, courted by a young, proper, and handsome Gentleman, but sunk in his Fortune. Who, to raise himself in the World, made it his Business to compass this Lady, with her Father's Consent. But the Meanness of his Estate, and her Father's Covetousness, must needs be two great Obstacles. However he found a way, by his Industry, to bring his Design about. Having got the Lady's good Will, he goes one Day with a good Fee to her Father, in order to have his Advice. He told him how the Case stood with him, but concealed the Party. The Counsellor, pleased with the Fee, advised him to Marry the Lady privately, and offered to give him a Note under his Hand to a Parson of his acquaintance, that should Marry them with all speed and secrecy. The Business was done accordingly, and the young Couple were married. Which done, he brought his Wife to ask her Father's Blessing; Who was not a little surprised, but pleased at last with the Stratagem.  
III.  
A Lady unmarried, who had two Sisters, the elder married to a Duke, and the younger going to be married to another Duke, was not a little vexed to see herself, as she said, between two Stools the Breech on the Ground.  
iv  
A virtuous Lady being desired by another, to tell her what Method she took to preserve her Husband's Affection to her; I make it (says she) my Business to please him in every Thing, and to bear patiently whatever comes amiss from him.  
V  
Another, being asked in a scornful manner what Portion she had brought to her Husband, What you never had, answered she, and that is Chastity.  
VI  
A Man seeing his Wife often whispering in the Ear of a Gentleman, desired to know what it was. I defy you, answered she, to guests, for we speak good Things of you.  
VII.  
A Gentleman having got his Wife (a Beauty) convicted of Adultery, sent her to a Monastery, and in her place took a Concubine. Which being discoursed of in Company, one said, If the Gentleman had such a fancy to a Whore, he needed not to have parted with his Wife.  
VIII.  
Pisistratus being resolved upon a second Match, his Children asked him whether it was for any Discontent he had received from them? Far from that, replied he, for I am so well satisfied with your Carriage to me, that I am willing to have more Children of so good a Temper.  
IX.  
A Gentleman being resolved to Marry, because forsooth he wanted Company a-nights, and had no body to speak to, a Woman was brought unto him in these Words, Sir, here's one that will keep you talking.  
X.  
Another, Married in the Morning, was so little affected with it, that he forgot it before Night, and was a going to lie at his old Lodging, had not his Man remembered him of his Spouse.  
XI.  
A Lady had a Husband very kind and complaisant to her, but that he never minded the sublime Pleasures of a conjugal Life. She complained of this to her own Relations, and they to him. But they speaking of it only in general Terms, he said, he wondered at his Wife's Dissatisfaction; sure he was, that he never denied her any Thing she desired. Upon this, her Relations were fain to come to the Point, and to tell him downright the Cause of her Discontent. She is to blame, answered her Husband, for she never asked me for that she so much wants. And they replying, that those things are usually granted without ask, he made this Return, That Thing (says he) is little worth, which is not worth ask.  
XII.  
A French Countess being married to one whom she had no Love for, they were fain at last to part, and live asunder. The Countess after some time changed her Religion, and being asked the Reason of it, I changed (said she) that I may not meet my Husband in the next World.  
XIII.  
A Minister, having married a couple of his Friends, told them afterwards in Merriment, that, if they could not agree, they should come to him again, and he would unmarry them. It was not long before Dissensions arose between them, and they went both to the Minister, in order to be divorced. Who asked them, which of the two had the greatest Desire to leave the other? For (says he) I married you, till Death does you part; and, before you can be parted, I must dispatch one of you.  
XIV.  
If Adam, asked one, were still living, how could he Mary again, all Women being come from him in a straight Line?  
XV.  
A married Man, suspected of Impotency, met with another who had often jeered him about it. Sir, says he unto him, your Jest is spoiled, my Wife is newly brought to bed. Well, replied the other, your Wife was never looked upon to be Impotent.  
XVI.  
Some Ladies speaking of the great Pains they suffered in their Labours, For my part (said one) 'tis less Trouble to me, than to swallow the Yolk of an Egg. Then sure, Madam, replied one of the Company, your Throat is very narrow.   

DYING MEN AND WOMEN.  
I.  
THE ancient Romans were so superstitious, and so apt to flatter their Emperors, as to Deify them after their Decease. Which made Vespasian, one of their Emperors, being at the point of Death, express himself in these Words to his Friends about him, I find, says he, that I become a God, meaning that he was a dying. Which he said probably, in derision to the Roman Superstition and Flattery.  
II.  
A Man condemned to be hanged at Caen in Normandy, being come to the Place of Execution, protested, that he died Innocent, and summoned the Judge to appear that Day Twelvemonth before God. To which the Judge answered, I shall be guilty of Default.  
III.  
Socrates going to suffer Death, I am sorry, said his Wife to him, that you should die Innocent. And I, replied Socrates, should be very sorry to die otherwise.  
iv  
Syward, the Martial Earl of Northumberland, finding himself a dying, risen out of his Bed, and put on his Armour, saying, That it became not a valiant Man to to die lying, like a Beast, and so gave up the Ghost. As valiantly both spoken and performed, as it was by Vespasian.  
V  
N. Heinsius, Son of Daniel, being upon his Deathbed, charged a Friend of his with Compliments from him to the Duke of Montausier, Monsieur Bigot, and several others.  
VI  
A Popish Gentleman being at the point of Death, a Confessor was brought unto him. And being told what he was come for, he looked upon him, and said, I neither know you, nor you me; and so bidding him farewel, turned his Face from him.  
VII.  
A Priest having given the Extreme Unction to another dying Priest, aged 90 Years, Your Turn will come, Brother, said the dying Priest to him, Your Turn will come.  
VIII.  
A dying Gentleman advising with another about a Preamble to his Will, he told him of one he knew of. Where the usual Words, In the Name of the Father, etc. were followed by these, I shall soon have done, having but little to bequeath.  
IX.  
One, dictating his Will to some Lawyers, left a great many Legacies, more than his Estate could bear, and shown his Disposition to leave Something likewise to the said Lawyers. Who, having writ hitherto very quietly, began now it was their Concern to ask the Testator out of what these Legacies must be paid? for upon this, say they, doth depend the Validity of the Will. That I know very well, answered the Testator, and that's the Thing which puzzles me most of all.  
X.  
Another, well knowing the Steward's way to make Hay while the Sun shines, made this an Article of his Will, I leave nothing to my Steward, because he has served me Twenty Years.  
XI.  
Impious, rather than Witty or Facetious, was that Dean's Will in the Reign of Henry III; who bequeathed his Estate to the King, his Body to the Earth, and his Soul to the Devil.  
XII.  
One who had been always Jocose in his Life-time, lying upon his Deathbed, his chief Clerk came, and desired he would leave him a Legacy. Upon which he gave him a Key, and told him that, in such a Drawer he would find that which would make him drink. Dying not long after, the Young Man greedily opened the Box, and found in it but two red Herrings.  
XIII.  
A Person of Quality, deeply indebted, fell dangerously ill. His Confessor being sent for, he begged of God, in the presence of his Confessor, that he would be pleased to prolong his Life, until he had paid his Debts. The Confessor, putting the best Construction upon his Words, told him, his Principle was so just, that he hoped God would hear his Prayer. Whereupon the Person of Quality, turning to one of his Friends, whispered these Words in his Ear, Should God grant my Request, I should be sure never to die, for I would never pay my Debts.   

BURY.  
I.  
UPON one's saying, that the Heart of King Francis I, was buried at Rambovillet, another said, Then he is all there, because he was all Heart.  
II.  
John Duke of Bedford, Regent of France, was buried in the Cathedral of Roven in Normandy, in a fair plain Monument. King Charles VIII, of France, being advised by one of his Courtiers to deface it, as a disgraceful Monument to France, he would not hearken unto it, but made this generous Return; Let him rest in peace, says he, now he is dead, whom we feared, while he lived.  
III.  
A Gentleman having sent his Wife to be buried four or five hours after she was dead, one came and told him, that she was scarce cold yet. No matter, says he, do as you are bid, she is dead enough for me. He was in the right, she being of a great age, when he married her: So that it was said of him, that, to help him to live, he had contracted Society with a dead Body.  
iv  
Another being buried by his Order, without a Coffin, in a Capuchin's Habit, a Widow that had lost her Husband by his means, cried out in the funeral-Procession, Murderer, thy Disguise will signify nothing, God will find thee out for all that.  
V  
A poor Countrywoman in Poitou fell into such a Lethargy, that her Husband and all about her gave her over for dead. To bury her, they wrapped her up only in a sheet, as is usual with poor people in those Parts, and so carried her to the Place of Burial. But the Bearers passing too near a Thorn-bush, she was pricked alive again out of her Lethargy. Fourteen Years after, she died in good earnest. Her Husband, fearing another Resurrection, remembered still the Thorn-bush, in the way to the Churchyard. So that when her Corpse came near it, he carefully cried out several times, Take heed of the Thorn-bush, and come not too near the Hedge.   

EPITAPHS.  
I.  
UPON King HENRY I. Who being dead, his Heart and Brains were buried in Normandy, and his Body in England.  
HENRICI, cujus celebrat Vox publica Nomen,  
Hoc pro parte jacent Membra sepulta Loco.  
Quem neque viventem capiebat Terra, nec unus  
Defunctum potuit consepelire Locus.  
In tria partitus, sua Jura quibusque resignat  
Partibus, illustrans sic tria Regna tribus.  
Spiritui Coelum, Cordi Cerebroque dicata est  
Neustria, quod dederat Anglia Corpus habet.  
II.  
Another Poet made him this flattering Epitaph; 
Rex HENRICUS obit, Deus olim, nunc Dolour Orbis;  
Numina flent Numen deperiisse suum.  
Mercurius minor Eloquio, vi Mentis Apollo,  
Jupiter Imperio, Marsque Vigore gemunt, etc.   
III.  
MAUD the Empress was Daughter to the foresaid King, Wife to Henry IV Emperor, and Mother to King Henry II. Happy in her Poet, who in one Distich thus expressed her Princely Parentage, Match, and Issue.  
Magna Ortu, majorque Viro, sed maxima Partu,  
Hîc jacet HENRICI Filia, Sponsa, Parens,  
IU.  
Upon King HENRY TWO, who by his own Right annexed to the Crown of England the French Provinces of Anjou, Maine, and Touraine; by his Wife, Aquitain; and by Conquest, Ireland.  
Sufficit hic Tumulus, cui non suffecerat Orbis,  
Res brevis ampla mihi, cui fuit ampla brevis.  
V  
Upon King RICHARD, surnamed Coeur de Lion, renowned for his Conquest of Cyprus, and great Exploits in the Holy Land.  
Hic, RICHARD, jaces. Sed Mors si cederet Armis,  
Victa timore tui cederet ipsa tuis.  
VI  
This Epitaph was also made upon him.  
Istius in Morte perimit Formica Leonem.  
Proh dolour! in tanti Funere Mundus obit.  
VII.  
Queen JANE, who died in Childbirth of King Edward VI, and used for her Device a Phoenix, being her paternal Crest had this alluding thereunto for her Epitaph; 
Phoenix Jana jacet, nato Phaenice, dolendum  
Saecula Phaenices nulla tulisse duos.   
VIII.  
The said King EDWARD, being snatched away by Death in his Youth, had this Distich made upon him; 
Rex, Regis Natus, Regum Decus, unica Regni  
Spesque Salusque sui, conditur hoc Tumulo.   
IX.  
Upon the Removal of Queen ELIZABETH's Body from Richmond (where she died) by water to Whitehall, there were written these passionate doleful Lines.  
The Queen was brought by Water to Whitehall,  
At every stroke the Oars Tears let fall,  
More clung about the Barge; Fish under water  
Wept out their Eyes of Pearl, and swum blind after.  
I think the Bargemen might with easier Thighs  
Have rowed her thither in her People's Eyes;  
For howsoe'er, thus much my Thoughts have scanned,  
She'd come by Water, had she come by Land.  
X.  
Upon Prince HENRY, eldest Son of King James I.  
Reader, Wonder think it none,  
Tho' I speak, and am a Stone.  
Here is shrined celestial Dust,  
And I keep it but in trust.  
Should I not my Treasure tell,  
Wonder than you might as well,  
How this Stone could choose but break,  
If it had not learned to speak.  
Hence amazed, and ask not me,  
Whose these sacred Ashes be.  
Purposely it is concealed;  
For, if that should be revealed,  
All that read would by and by  
Melt themselves to tears, and die.  
XI.  
On Queen AND, the said Prince's Mother, by King James.  
March with his Wind has struck a Cedar tall,  
And weeping April mourns the Cedar's Fall,  
And May intends no Flowers her Month shall bring,  
Since she must lose the Flower of all the Spring.  
Thus Marches Wind has caused April showers,  
And yet sad May must lose her Flower of Flowers.  
XII.  
Upon the great GUSTAWS, King of Sweden, who died Victor in the Field.  
Seek not, Reader, here to find  
Entombed the Throne of such a Mind  
As did the brave GUSTAWS fill,  
Whom neither Time nor Death can kill.  
Go, and read all Caesar's Acts,  
The Rage of Scythian Cataracts,  
What Epire, Greece, and Rome has done,  
What Kingdoms Goths & Vandals won.  
Read all the World's heroic Story,  
It is but half this Hero's Glory.  
They got their Victories living,  
But our Hero got this dying.  
XIII.  
This short one also was made upon him.  
Upon this Place the great gustavus died,  
While Victory lay weeping by his side.  
XIV.  
The following Epitaph was made upon Pope LUCIUS, born at Luca; who of Bishop of Ostia, became Pope of Rome, and died at Verona.  
Luca dedit tibi lucem, LUCI, Pontificatum  
Ostia, Papatum Roma, Verona mori.  
Imò Verona dedit tibi verè vivere, Roma  
Exilium, Curas Ostias, Luca mori.  
XV.  
For Theobald of Bloys, Earl of Champagne, Nephew to our Henry I, Giraldus Cambrensis made this.  
Ille Comes, Comes ille pius Theobaldus eras, quem  
Gaudet habere Polus, Terra carere dolet.  
Non Hominem possum, non audeo dicere Numen;  
Mors probat hunc Hominem, Vita fuisse Deum.  
Trans Hominem, citraque Deum; plus hoc, minus illud,  
Nescio quis, Neuter, inter Vtrumque fuit.  
XVI.  
William Earl of Pembroke, and Marshal of England, being buried in the Temple-Church, had this Epitaph made for him.  
Sum quem Saturnum sibi sensit Hibernia,   
Anglia, Mercurium Normannia, Gallia Martem.  
XVII.  
Something like it was that for Richard de Clare, Earl of Gloucester and Hartford, who died in 1602.  
Hîc Pudor Hippoliti, Paridis Gena, Sensus Ulyssis,  
Aeneae Pietas, Hectoris Ira jacet.  
XVIII.  
The Duke of Suffolk and his Brother, Sons of Charles Brandon, who died of the Sweeting Sickness at Bugden, were buried together with this.  
una Fides vivos conjunxit, Religio una,  
Ardour & in studiis unus, & unus Amor.  
Abstulit hos simul una Dies, duo Corpora jungit  
una Vrna, ac Mentes unus Olympus habet.  
XIX.  
Upon the first Seven Archbishops of Canterbury here's a joint Epitaph, as it is taken out of Gervasius Dorobernensis.  
Septem sunt Anglis Primates & Protopatres,  
Septem Rectores, coelo septemque Triones,  
Septem Cisternae Vitae, septemque Lucernae,  
Septem sunt Stellae, quas haec tenet Area Cellae.  
XX.  
Upon Stigand Archbishop of Canterbury, this bitter Epitaph was made by some of his Enemies.  
Hîc jacet Herodes Herode ferocior, hujus  
Inquinat Infernum Spiritus, Ossa Solum.  
XXI.  
A special Favourer of Thomas Becket, Archbishop of Canterbury, (who was slain at Christmas, in Christ-Church at Canterbury) made this Epitaph upon him, expressing the Cause, Time, and Place of his Death.  
Pro Christi sponsâ, Christi sub Tempore, Christi  
In Templo, Christi verus Amator obit.  
Quinta Dies natalis erat, Flos Orbis ab Orb  
Carpitur, & Fructus incipit esse Poli.  
Quis moritur? Praesul. Cur? Pro Grege.  
Qualiter? Ense.  
Quando? Natali. Quis Locus? Ara Dei.  
XXII.  
Vitalis, Abbot of Westminster, who died in the Reign of William the Conqueror, had this Epitaph.  
Qui Nomen traxit à Vitâ, Morte vocante,  
Abbas Vitalis transiit, hîcque jacet.  
XXIII.  
One Peter, a Religious Man, had this.  
Petra capit Petri Cineres, Animam Petra Christus,  
Sic sibi divisit utraque Petra Petrum.  
XXIV.  
Upon fair Rosamond, King Henry the Second Concubine, one Mr. Daniel made this.  
Hâc jacet in Tumbâ Rosa Mundi, non Rosamunda;  
Non redolet, sed olet, quae redolere solet.  
XXV.  
The next was made upon Jacobus Triulcio, a restless Man, always in action while he lived.  
Hîc Mortuus Requiescit Semel,  
Qui-Vivus Requievit Nunquam.  
XXVI.  
Upon a Gentleman named None, buried at Wimundham, who gave nothing to the Religious there, this following Epitaph was made.  
Hîc situs est Nullus, quia Nullo Nullior iste;  
Et quia Nullus erat, de Nullo Nîl tibi, Christ.  
XXVII.  
At Geneva there's an Epitaph in these Words; 
VIXI VT VIVIS,  
MORIERIS VT SUM MORTWS.  
SIC VITA TRUDITUR.   
XXVIII.  
One without Name had this Inscription on his Grave; 
VIXI, PECC AVI, PAENITVI,  
NATURAE CESSI.   
XXIX.  
Which is as Christian as that was profane of the Roman, Amici, dum vivimus, Vivamus.  
XXX.  
Another did set down for his Epitaph this godly Admonition.  
Look Man before thee,  
how thy Death hasteth;  
Look Man behind thee,  
how thy Life wasteth;  
Look on thy right Side,  
how Death thee desireth;  
Look on thy left side,  
how Sin thee beguileth;  
Look Man above thee,  
Joys that ever shall last;  
Look Man beneath thee  
the Pains without rest.  
XXXI.  
Diego de Valles made this Inscription for his Tomb at Rome; 
Certa Dies nulli est, Mors certa, incerta sequentum  
Cura; locet Tumulum qui sapit ante sibi.   
XXXII.  
Dr. Caius a Learned Physician of Cambridg, and a Cofounder of Gonvil and Caius College, has only on his Monument there, FVI CAIUS.  
XXXIII.  
Julius Scaliger, only this; SCALIGERI QVOD RELIQWM.  
XXXIV.  
And Cardinal Pools is as short, but more savouring of Christian Antiquity. These are the Words, DEPOSITUM POLI CARDINALIS.  
XXXV.  
Mr. Burbidge, the Tragedian, had one fit for his Profession; EXIT BURBIDGE.  
XXXVI.  
And Mr. Weymark, a constant Walker in Paul's, was as well fitted with this; DEFESSUS SUM AMBULANDO.  
XXXVII.  
Upon Sir Philip Sidney, I find this; 
England had his Body, for she it fed;  
netherlands his Blood, in her Defence shed;  
The Heavens have his Soul,  
the Arts have his Fame;  
The Soldier the Grief,  
the World his good Name.   
XXXVIII.  
Upon a Young Man of great hope, a Student of Oxford made this; 
Short was thy Life,  
Yet livest thou ever;  
Death has her due,  
Yet diest thou never.   
XXXIX.  
Upon Sir Francis Vere.  
When Vere sought Death, armed with his Sword and Shield,  
Death was afraid to meet him in the Field;  
But, when his Weapons he had laid aside,  
Death, like a Coward, struck him, and he died.  
XL.  
Here is a short one, but without any stress of Wit, upon an ancient Knight, Sir ..... Jernegan, buried cross-legged at Somerly in Suffolk.  
Jesus Christ, both God and Man,  
Save thy Servant Jernegan.  
XLI.  
This following was made for a bad Liver, who was buried in the Night under the Name of Menalcas, and that without any Ceremony.  
Here lieth Menalcas, as dead as a Log;  
Who lived like a Devil, & died like a Dog.  
But I mistake, here he doth not lie,  
For from this Place he parted by and by;  
Making from hence his Descent into Hell,  
Without either Book, Candle, or Bell.  
XLII.  
Pleasant was the Epitaph made upon an ignorant French Abbot, in these words; 
Cy gît un ignorant Abbé,  
Qui ne savoit ni A, ni B.   
XLIII.  
A drunken Man, Elderton by Name, had this made upon him; 
Hîc situs est sitiens, atque ebrius Eldertonus,  
Quid dico, hîc situs est? hîc potiùs sitis est.   
XLIV.  
Upon an old Miser, Sparges by Name, this was made; 
Here lieth Father Sparges,  
That died to save Charges.   
XLV.  
Upon a capricious Man, this; 
Here lieth Willing Wills,  
With his Head full of Wind-mills.   
XLVI.  
Upon another, who was ever out of humour; 
Here lieth he,  
Who with himself could never agree.   
XLVII.  
On a litigious Man; 
Here lies he, who in his Life  
With every Man had some Strife;  
And now he's dead, and in his Grave,  
His Bones no quiet Rest can have.  
For lay your Ear unto this Stone,  
And you shall hear how every Bone  
Doth crack and beat against each other.  
Pray for his Soul's Health, gentle Brother.   
XLVIII.  
One, who had a Shrew to his Wife, writ upon her this Epitaph; 
We lived one and twenty Year,  
As Man and Wife together;  
I could not stay her longer here,  
She's gone, I know not whither.  
But did I know, I do protest,  
(I speak it not to flatter)  
Of all the Women in the World,  
I swear I'd ne'er come at her.  
Her Body is bestowed well,  
This handsome Grave did hid her:  
And sure her Soul is not in Hell,  
The Devil could ne'er abide her.  
But I suppose she's soared aloft;  
For in the late great Thunder,  
Methought I heard her roaring Voice,  
Rending the Clouds asunder.   
XLIX.  
He was more happy in a Wife, who wrote this Distich upon her, after her Decease; 
Quae pia, quae prudens, quae provida, pulchra fuisti,  
Vxor in aeternum, Chara MARIA, vale.   
L.  
Upon a notorious Liar, basely extracted, yet by reason of his Name claiming Kindred of a most noble Family, this Epitaph was made.  
Here lies M. F. the Son of a Bearward,  
Who would needs bear Arms in spite of the Herald;  
Which was a Lion as black as a Jeatstone,  
With a Sword in his Paws instead of a Whetstone.  
Five Sons had this Liar, 'tis worth the revealing;  
Two arrant Liars, and three hanged for Stealing.  
His Daughters were nine, never free from Sores;  
Three crooked Apostles, and six arrant Whores.  
LI.  
Upon a Dier; 
He that died so oft in sport,  
Died at last, no colour for't.   
LII.  
Upon a Puritan Lock-smith.  
A Zealous Lock-smith died of late,  
And did arrive at Heaven's Gate.  
He stood without, and would not knock,  
Because he meant to pick the Lock.  
LIII.  
On a Goldsmith that Tipped Stone-Jugs with Silver; 
He that did tip Stone-Jugs about the Brim,  
Met with a black Pot, and the Pot tipped him.   
LIV.  
Upon a Wrestler; 
Death to this Wrestler gave a fine Fall,  
That tripped up his Heels, and took no hold at all.   
LV.  
On a Butcher that married a Tanner's Daughter; 
A fit Match has never been,  
The Flesh is married to the Skin.   
LVI.  
Upon Cosier, the Cobbler; 
Come, gentle Reader, gentle Friend,  
Come, and behold poor Cosier's End.  
Longer in length his Life had gone,  
But that he had no Last so long.  
O mighty Death! whose Art can kill  
The Man that made Soles at his will.   
LVII.  
On a Child drowned, catching of an Apple; Disce meo malo, posse career Malo.  
LVIII.  
Upon two beautiful Children, Brother and Sister, who wanted each of them an Eye; 
Lumine Acon dextro caruit, Leonilla sinistro,  
Et potuit Formâ vincere uterque Deos.  
Parve Puer, Lumen quod habes concede Sorori;  
Sic tu caecus AMOR, sic erit illa VENUS.   
LIX.  
Upon a troublesome, talkative Woman; 
Here at last doth she lie in quiet,  
Who whilst she lived was ever unquiet.  
Her Husband prays, if by her Grave you walk,  
You'd gently tread; for, if waked, she'll talk.   
LX.  
I conclude with that Ingenious Epitaph made upon Lot's Wife by Count Emanuel Thesaurus, in these Words.  
Quam stupes muliebrem statuam,  
Tanto artificio fictam,  
Artifice caruit.  
Genita fuit, & sine Scalpello sculpta;  
Et, quod impensiùs mirere,  
Olim spirabilis, & locuta.  
Brevi, Foemina fuit.  
Dicerem, est;  
Nisi prodigium videretur,  
Foeminam esse, & tacere.  
Sola Mortalium, nec Imaginis egens, nec Sepulchri,  
Ipsa suae stupiditatis Imago,  
In semita haeret,  
Et in suâ Statuâ tumulatur.  
Licet igitur intra Metamorphoses numerare  
Foeminam ex verâ fictam;  
Imò nunc veram, quia fictam;  
Nam quid in Foeminis videas, nisi fictum?  
Itaque mentiri solita, se ipsam mentitur.  
Mortua Vivam simulat, vel Viva Mortuam.  
Magis mirêre,  
Quòd insulsa salsum migravit in Lapidem;  
In sale mortua, quo viva carebat.  
Sic solent Foeminae, sapiunt cùm pereunt.  
Ah! fuge hunc salem, si sapis, Viator.   

POSTSCRIPT.  
I.  
AMongst the Articles exhibited to King HENRY VIII. by the Irish against the Earl of Kildare, the last was, Finally, all Ireland cannot rule the Earl. Then the Earl shall rule all Ireland, said the King, and so made him his Deputy.  
II.  
A Person of Quality, travelling through Spain, went to see the Escurial, that stately Monastery of Monks of St. Jerom's Order. As he was viewing the Magnificence thereof, the Superior entertained him with the history of its Foundation; and told him how Philip II. of Spain had erected it in performance of a Vow made by him when the Battle was fought at S. Quentin in Picardy, if he should come off Victorious. To which the Traveller replied, admiring still the Vastness of the Building, Sure (says he) that King was in a great Fright, when he made so great a Vow. The Malice and Wit of which Answer consists in that it attributes a good Work to a ridiculous Fear, and that it measures the pretended Fear of King Philip by the Greatness of the Building.  
III.  
Monsieur de Bautru, being sent by the French King into Spain, went to see the famous Library of the foresaid Monastery; where he found so ignorant a Library-Keeper, that he could give no Account of most Books therein. Upon his Return to Court, the King asked him what he thought of it. 'Tis a very fine Library, answered Bautru, but your Majesty should give the Keeper of it the Keeping of your Exchequer. Why so? said the King of Spain. Because, answered the other, he never embezzled what you have Entrusted him with.  
iv  
Another having chosen an Illiterate Man for his Library-keeper, gave Occasion for an ingenious Lady to say of that Library, That it was a Seraglio, kept by an Eunuch.  
V  
The late Duke of Lorraine being with a Cardinal, his Eminence took care not to be behind hand with him, and got the Precedency. The Cardinal's Chaplain attended him, who respectfully stepped back to make way for the Duke. But the Duke took him by the Arm, and made him go before him. Go on, Sir, says he to him, loud enough for the Cardinal to hear him, I always give Churchmen the Precedency. Thus confounding the Cardinal with his Chaplain, he let the Cardinal know, that he respected all Churchmen as Ministers of Religion, and that consequently the Chaplain had as much Right as his Master to go before him, that is, no Right at all.  
VI  
An Athenian telling a Lacedaemonian, that the Athenians had often repulsed the Lacedæmonians from before Athens; 'tis more than we can say of you, answered the other, Meaning that the Athenians had never been so bold as to attempt the Taking of Lacedaemon.  
VII.  
Upon another Athenian's saying, that the Lacedæmonians grew Vicious in foreign Countries, 'tis true, answered a Lacedaemonian, but no body contracts Vices at Lacedaemon.  
VIII.  
John Scot, so famous for his Learning, sitting at Table with a young Gallant, was by way of Jest, asked by him, what Difference there was between Scot and Sot. To which he presently replied Mensa tantùm, that is, the Table's breadth; for the other sat just over against him.  
IX.  
A Papist asked a Protestant, as 'tis their usual Way, where his Religion was before Luther. In the Bible, says he, where yours never was.  
X.  
A pleasant Fancy of an Italian, by name Trivelino. Who falling asleep one Day, with his Horse's Bridle twisted in his Arm, another came who unbridled his Horse, and got away. Trivelino being awaked, and missing his Horse, began to feel himself about, saying; Either I am Trivelino, or not; If I am Trivelino, my Horse is lost; If not, I got a Bridle, but know not how.  
XI.  
No less pleasant was the Adventure of two Frenchmen in Florence. Who looking for one another in the Piazza of the old Palace, could not meet by reason of a Crowd occasioned by a Show. Till the Agnus being rung for, all the Italians fell on their Knees, and these two Frenchmen only remained in a standing Posture; by which means they found one another.  
XII.  
One being told, that he was all of a piece; Ay, says he, but 'tis a good Piece.  
XIII.  
Another speaking of one, He speaks (says he) admirably well. Well he may, said one that stood by, for he does nothing but speak.  
XIV.  
An Italian carrying something under his Cloak, a Frenchman asked him what it was. A Dagger, said the Italian. But the Frenchman, finding 'twas a Bottle of Wine, took it, and drank it all up. Then returning the Bottle, here's the Sheath however, says he to him.  
XV.  
A Man, looking upon the Stars, fell into a Ditch. Which gave Occasion to this Verse, Qui fuit Astrologus, nunc Geometra fuit.  
XVI.  
'Tis said of one who well remembered what he had lent, but forgot what he had borrowed, that he had lost one half of his Memory.  
XVII.  
A Gentleman boasting to another, that he had Killed 300 Men in a Ship, the other, to be even with him, told him, that to see a fair Lady who kept close in a Room of his next Neighbour, he had ventured one Day to slip down her Chimney. Which appearing fabulous to the Gentleman who in his Conceit had made so great a slaughter, I let you (says he to him) Kill no less than 300 Men at one bout, why should not you let me for once slip down a Chimney, to see a great Beauty?  
XVIII.  
Another, being set upon by Robbers at five a Clock in the Morning, Gentlemen, says he to 'em, you open Shop very early to day.  
XIX.  
Wise was that saying of Dr. Medcalf, You, Young Men, do think us Old Men to be Fools; but we Old Men know you to be so.  
XX.  
Audite Adolescentes Senem (says an Ancient) quem ipsi Senes audivere Adolescentem; Young Men, hear an Old Man, whom Old Men themselves vouchsafed to hear in his Youth.  
XXI.  
Apuleius, seeing a Closet all set round with precious Stones, said, Domus haec diem suum sibi ipsi facit, this Closet has its Light from itself.  
XXII.  
An old Man, in a Company speaking of the Eyesight, said these Words; Since I came to be old, I see more than when I was young, for I see double.  
XXIII.  
A Gentleman seeing a Nobleman Kneeling at Church without a Cushion, threw his Muff at his Feet. What d'ye mean, said the Nobleman, to throw a Cat between my Legs?  
XXIV.  
Another being at Mass, one in a genteel Garb came to kneel by him, and soon after stretched forth his Hand as privately as he could to him, for a Charity. Sir, said the other, finding what he aimed at, you prevented me, I was just going to do the same by you.  
XXV.  
The Creed being sung but madly in a Popish Church, one stood up, and said, 'twas all false. And turning to those about him, Don't think, said he, that I renounce to the Christian Faith. 'Tis not the Letter I speak of, but the Music.  
XXVI.  
A Friend of mine going beyond Sea, and desiring me at parting to take a place in his Album Amicorum, I writ down this Greek Verse of Homer, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉. That is, We must make much of a Friend while he is with us, and let him go when he thinks fit.  
XXVII.  
A Gentlewoman complaining, that she catched Cold, whenever she went abroad to buy Things in the Shops, because they lay open and exposed to the Air, an Acquaintance of hers advised her, Never to go thither but on Sundays and Holy Days.  
XXVIII.  
One seeking for a Lodging met with a Friend of his, and asked him whether his Landlord's House was very lightsome, or not? I have, answered his Friend, lodged there several Years; but always went out so early, and came home so very late, that I could never see Daylight in it.  
XXIX.  
Another being forced to find a Citizen's Security, and at a loss how to get it, offered instead of it a Security and a she Citizen.  
XXX.  
'Tis said of one who never eat at home, and railed at every one, that he never opened his Mouth, but at the Cost of others.  
XXXI.  
A dignified Clergyman, having invited several of his Friends to Dinner upon a Fish-day, his Purveyor told him, he had been in the Market, and that there was no Fish left but one Salmon, which was kept for a Judge. Whereupon his Master gave him a Bag of Money, bade him go back and buy the Salmon and the Judge.  
XXXII.  
Two Ge●… being together, one that 〈…〉 go without a Stick, as the other could not read without Spectacles, the first seeing the other take up his Spectacles to read, Rather (says he to him) than make use of Spectacles, I should choose to forbear Reading. And I, replied the other, rather than go with a Stick, I should forbear going.  
XXXIII.  
In Montagne's Book of Expenses, there was this Article amongst others; Item, for my lazy Temper, 1000 Livers.  
XXXIV.  
A Man, having dreamt that he was eating of a newlaid Egg, went to an Interpreter of Dreams, to know the Meaning of it. Who told him, the White of the Egg signified Silver, and the Yolk Gold, so that he must prepare himself for a good Chance. And 'twas not long before he had a Windfal, which brought him both Silver and Gold. He went to thank the Interpreter, and presented him with a piece of Silver. But the Interpreter, who loved the Yolk better than the White of an Egg, did not forget to put him in mind of it. Nil ne de Vitello?  
XXXV.  
A Person of Quality owed a Gentleman a Thousand Pounds. Meeting together in a fair Road, where both their Coaches went a good rate, the first looking out of the Coach called to the Gentleman, and begged a thousand Excuses. And I beg, said the Gentleman presently, a thousand Pounds.  
XXXVI.  
To one ask, why a lean Person is apt than a fat one to Love? this Reason was given; Because a lean Person's Heart being nearer, for want of Flesh, is more easily wrought upon.  
XXXVII.  
If you ask, why borrowed Books seldom return to their Owners? this is the Reason one gives for it; Because 'tis easier to keep 'em, than what is in them.  
XXXVIII.  
A Gentleman riding an unruly Horse, the Horse capered and kicked; and the Rider, unwilling to yield, whipped and spurred him as fast. One that stood by bad him, have more Wit. Another to whom the Fact was related, I know the Story, says he, but 'twas not to the Rider he spoke, 'twas to the Horse.  
XXXIX.  
One that had a stinking Breath fell a singing before Company. The Words are very good, said one of the Company, but the Air is naught.  
XL.  
A Minister in Languedoc made a Walk of Mulberry-Trees before his Church Door, and every Year made Money of the Leaves thereof for the use of Silkworms. After some Years he bestowed the Money upon the Reparations of the Portico, with this Inscription upon it, MORI LUCRUM.  
XLI.  
The first time Dr. Casaubon went into the Sorbonne, before it was rebuilt, he was told concerning the Hall, that it had served four hundred Years for Disputations. Ay, but (says he) was there ever any Decision made in it?  
XLII.  
Upon an Eclipse of the Sun which happened some Years since, a Gentleman went to give a Lady of great Quality a Visit; who asked him, What News abroad? The Sun (says he) Madam, plays at bopeep.  
XLIII.  
A Gentleman speaking of the Houses of Paris said, They were so very high, that they hindered the Prospect of the City.  
XLIV.  
In the Gallery of Versailles there are long Forms of massy Silver, so that many Men together can't lift one up. Upon sight whereof the Ambassadors of Siam said, it was a very good way to secure them from Thiefs.  
XLV.  
Cardinal du Perron had a Brother, who was an Hermaphrodite. When he was born, the Midwife explained the Case thus to the Mother. Your Son, says she, is a Girl, and your Daughter a Boy.  
XLVI.  
Few People know the Meaninging of these five Vowels, A, E, I, O, U, thus placed in the Arch of the Emperor's Palace of Vienna. Where they were put in (it seems) to signify, Austriacorum Est Imperare Orbi Universo.  
XLVII.  
A Lacedaemonian, being asked by one of the chief of Athens, but a wicked Man, who was the best Man at Lacedaemon, made him this severe Return, He is the best Man there, says he, that is least like unto thee.  
XLVIII.  
An Italian Priest, called i'll Piovano Arlotto, famous for witty Repartees, being come to Naples, went to pay his Respects to King Alphonso, then reigning. Who being informed, that he kept a Book of the most noted Errors of the chief Men of his Time, Sovereign Princes not excepted, asked Messer Piovano, whether or no he was in his Book. I'll see, answered Piovano; who, by the King's Order, went and fetched the Book. Being returned, he shown the King the Place of the Book he was in, with these Words, Error committed by Alphonso King of Naples, in sending a Germane belonging to his Court into Germany with 12000 Florins of Gold, to buy Horses for His Majesty. Upon sight whereof, the King asked him wherein lay the Error. In trusting the Germane with such a Sum of Money, answered Piovano. But, if he comes back with the Horses, replied the King, or brings me my Money again, what then, Messer Piovano? Then, says he, I'll put your Name out of my Book, and write the Germane instead on't. Which Answer the King was so well pleased with, that he sent home Piovano with Presents, after he had entertained him for some time at his Court.  
XLIX.  
A Monk going to Preach some Leagues off, went to Dinner at a poor Country-Priest's House, who had neither Bread nor Wine good enough for him. The Monk sent out to buy better, with some other Provisions. And, as he was ready to sit at Table, he came out with a fine Service of Silver-gilt enameled. Which so dazzled the Priest, that he asked the Monk, whether he had made his Vow of Poverty. Do you question it? said the Monk. Then, replied the Priest, You and I could make a good honest Monk, for you made the Vow of Poverty, and I observe it.  
L.  
The Duke of Ossuna, being Viceroy of Naples, went on a great Holiday to view the King of Spain's Galleys, in order to set some Slaves at Liberty, according to his Privilege. He asked several of them, what Crime had brought them to their slavish Condition. And all pretended to be Innocent but one, who freely owned all his Crimes, and confessed that he deserved a much severer Punishment. Away with this wicked Man, said the Duke, lest he should pervert all those good Men of his Gang. Thus the Galleyslave, by his ingenuous Confession, got his Liberty; whilst the rest were ridiculed, for want of Ingenuity.  
LI.  
A Grandee of Spain being desirous to have a good Scholar with him to converse with, a Friend of his presented him one. Whom he asked presently, whether he could make Verses. You shall judge of it, My Lord, said the Scholar, by what I have done; and brought him the next day a great Bundle of Spanish Verses of all sorts. Upon sight whereof, the Grandee told his Friend, that Man was not fit for him. And his Friend ask the Reason of it, I confess, answered the Grandee, that I count him Ignorant who can make no manner of Verses, but that Man sure is a great Fool for having made so many as he shown me. A pleasant satire against all professed Poets, I mean such as make it their whole Business to make Verses.  
LII.  
Two Brother's lodging together, who were very like one another, and had the same Name, a Gentleman desired to speak to one of them. Which of them, said one of the Servants, The Counsellor, said the Gentleman; They are both Counsellors, answered the Servant. He that Squints; They squint both. He that is Married; That they are both. He that has a handsome Wife; They are both handsome. 'Tis then he that is a Cuckold; By my Troth, Sir, I think they are both Cuckolds. Well then, said the Gentleman, these two Brothers are the most like that ever I heard of.  
LIII.  
A Princess of great Wit came into a Province, where the Ladies came to pay her their Respects. Finding little in their Converse that deserved her Attention, and being however willing to keep 'em in Discourse, she asked a young Lady of the Town where she was, how many Children she had. I have three, Madam, answered the young Lady. Not long after, the Princess, taken up with other Thoughts, asked her again the same Question. To which the young Lady made this smart Repartee, I have not, Madam, been brought to Bed, since you first asked me the Question, and so I have still but three. Which free and pleasant Answer, as it quickened the Princess' Attention, so she ever since had the greater esteem and love for the Lady.   
FINIS.