MIRTH IN ABUNDANCE. Set forth and made manifest in many Jests, upon several occasions, full of Wit and Truth. Contrived to relieve the Melancholy, and rejoice the Merry, to expel sorrow, and advance Jollity. All of them New and Noble, free from Railing Bawdry, Blasphemy, or Incivility. Collected and set together by a lover of lawful Mirth, and true hearted Society. LONDON, Printed for Francis Grove, near the Saracens Head on Snow-hill, 1659. Mirth in Abundance. 1. THere were two good fellows of ancient society, (who had not seen one another in a great space of time) that one morning very luckily met each other in budge ●ow, and after some signs of gladness to meet so happily, they agreed upon a morning's draught, which lasted almost till noon, in which time they were both sufficiently liquored. But their bellies being fuller than their brains, they did resolve to bring up the rear of that morning's action, with a Cup of Canary, away they went, to the Swan-Tavern at Dowgate, where for three hours longer they sat pecking at one another, like two Game Cocks at the end of a battle until both their Eyes were in a very glimmering condition. In the mean time, whilst they were thus toaping, there fell an exceeding violent and continuing glut of Rain, so that it flowed up to the threshold of the Tavern door, and no passenger could get over: By this time my good fellows having called, and paid the reckoning they both came reeling to the door, and seeing so broad a water tumbled down Dowgate, one of them swore, that it was the Thames, and began to call a Sculler, the other being unwilling to engage further, said, he would take his leave, which he did with so low a bending Compliment, that his b●●tch touching a little too hard against the stump of a post which was behind him, that 〈◊〉 make him rebound into the middle of the 〈◊〉 with his head forward. The unfortunate fellow was no sooner in, but he began to stretch forth his Arms and Legs to swim, the other which stood upon the shore, cried out lamentably for the danger of his friend, and deploring the loss of so good a fellow, and what loss his wife and Children would suffer in his death. But in conclusion (as the last word of Comfort) he calls out to him in these words, Dost thou hear Friend! friend! if thou canst but Gain Temple Stairs thou wilt be safe I warrant thee, unto which the swimming man made reply, A pox of Gain, I do not think of Gain, if I can but save myself I care not. 2. There fell a great dispute betwixt Jockey a Scotchman, and Jenkin a Welshman, and the subject of it was abo●t the fruitfulness of their Countries, and thus Jockey began, There was not a braver fruitfuller Country in the world than Leith in Scotland: The Welshman answered him again, Picot, that was false for there was no place so full of all sorts of fruits, as was in Wales. Jockey replied again, that he knew a piece of ground in Scotland where the grass grew up so suddenly that if you throw a Staff in it overnight, in that time, the pasture would so overgrow it, that you would not see it again the next morning. But Jenkin hearing this, with a great Scorn made him this answer, Py Saint Taffe that the throwing so small a thing as a Staff was nothing, for (quoth Shinkin) we have tivers pieces of Crowned in our Country, that if you turn your Horse into them, you shall not see him next morning. 3. Two ingenious Citizens, Mr. Chambers, and Mr. Garrot, one morning took a little recreation to walk to Paddington, where by the way, they cast their eyes upon that fatal trivet which stands in the road, vulgarly known by the name of Tyburn. Quoth Mr. Chambers (looking upon it) Yonder is a very pretty Tenement if it had but a Garrot, I (quoth) Mr. Garret) so it is, but it must have Chambers before it have a Garret. 4. Two gentlemen met upon the Road, betwixt Ware and London, the one was a wild young Gallant who had more means than Manners, the other a very grave discreet and temperate Citizen of London; who considering his own years, conceived that the younger man would give him the way, and by continuing his speed resolved to try the young Gallants manners, until their Horse's heads met. But the young fellow crossed expectation, and uncivilly demanded the way of his elder: who replied, Sir since you will dispute it, I must tell you according to the rules of Civility, the Elder in our Country have always the way of their Younger: But the bold Upstart answered him again, that his Horse would not give way to a Foole. To which the old man replied, But my Horse will, and so resigned the way to my gallant. 5. A mad young Gallant, such another as the last we talked of, having rid as he feared, out of his way, over-took a blunt Country fellow, and asked him, which was the way to Salesbury? The Country man intending not only to set him right: but withal to know whether or no he had committed any error in his way thither, asked him as the manner is from whence he came, to which the surly Gallant answered, Why what is that to you from whence I came. You say true master, quoth the Bumkin, It is nothing to me from whence you come, nor whether you go. So he walked away with his hands coupled behind him, and left the gentle fool to study out his way to Salesbury. 6. Another Gentleman as mad as the two former, riding over a hill and being doubtful that the descent was boggish, called rudely to a fellow (as cross as himself) who was making of a hedge, You sirrah, rogue. I Master quoth the Hedger. Do you live here? quoth the Gallant: Yes and please your worship quoth the Ditcher: Quoth the Gentleman, is it hard at the bottom? I sir, replied the Country fellow, very hard at the bottom. The Gentleman being thus assured sets Spurs to his Horse, and rid down the hill pellmell, but before he had rid out of call from the Country fellow, his Horse was up to the belly in a slough, where he stuck fast and durst not alight: but in great fury called to the Ditcher, You base lying Rogue you, did not you tell me that it was hard at the bottom? True Master (replied the Countryman) so it is, but you are not at the bottom yet. 7. An old Gentleman and his man, having rid an hard day's journey and coming into their Inn at night, the Gentleman caused supper to be made ready, and commanded his man to take care of his Horses, his man john went to the Stable, and saw the Horses watered, rubbed down and ●●tered, and fresh hay in the rack up to the top, but the Ostler having these Principles of dishonesty in him which belongeth to the whole Tribe, so soon as John's back was turned, took away the hay out of the rack again, which john discovered through a hole, and was going to question it: but that he was interrupted by his Master, who having newly supped, called him to supper likewise, come john take away and go to supper, I thank God I have supped: but have my Horses supped john, Yes surely Sir, said john, I think they have, for I saw the Ostler take away. 8. There was a Cross set up in the middle of a little Market-Town, in those days when Crosses had more esteem than they have now, for men would very frequently when nature provoked them to advance their members, and piss against it, which was so ill-resented by some superstitious Papists who lived near it, that he put up these two lines in writing. He is a very foolish Ass, That dares to piss against this Cross. But an unhappy wag who had usually in such a case of necessity repaired thither, viewing the verses laughed; and having taken them down, under writ two lines more, and stuck them up again: the lines were these. Why what a foolish Ass was this, To set up a Cross, where a man should piss. 9 I came into an Inn, once where some melancholy person had in a very fair hand, with a piece of Cole, written these following lines upon a wall. God and the Soldier, states alike adore; Just at the brink of Danger, not before. When danger's gone both are alike requited. God is forgotten, and the Soldier slighted. 10. There was a pretty little high-spirited Gentleman whose name was Wood, who had received some affront from one Mr. Story, a very large, hig-boned comely Coward, and resolved to take revenge upon him for the injury wheresoever they met; which happened: For Mr. Wood with another friend of his coming through Fleetstreet, they met this aforesaid Mr. Story. The little man draws his Sword, and begun to make a push at Story, which Story put by with his hand, retreated a little, and drew: but Mr. Wood's friend would not let him right, and dissuaded him with many reasons: first, that he would be esteemed a common Quarrel to fight so publicly, but chief he would not have him engage against such a man that had every way so much the advantage of him in limbs: For quoth the Gentleman, you must consider that Story is tall. To which little Wood made this reply, I'd pluck him down were he three stories high. 11. A little crooked Gentleman had lately taken a very fair house to dwell in, and having nobly furnished it, he invites a friend of his who was a very merry man to see it, and to judge of his bargain: so having showed him all the Rooms, the Gentleman asked him what rend he paid? The Crooked man answered him, that he gave an hundred pounds for a fine, and fifty pounds a year. Quoth his friend, I do not like your bargain. No quoth the Crooked man, I am told that it is a very good penny worth. I am not of their mind▪ replied his friend, for would any man be so mad to give fifty pounds a year for a house, that he cannot stand upright in. So they both laughed and went to dinner. 12. One being asked the Question, why a Dog goes about before he lies down, was answered by another, because he goes about to lie down. 13. There was a certain dishonest person, a Scrivener whose name was Smith, who having been found guilty of counterfeiting hands to a false deed, was threatened to be sued and indicted for forgery, to which he made reply, do your worst, I shall come off well enough I warrant you: my name is Smith, and if a Smith may not have the liberty of forgeing how shall he perform his function? 14. An old merry Parson that lived in the old merry days, being a little purblind by being a very good fellow that would always pay his Club, having sat up too late on the saturday night was a little unfit in his eyes to read right the next morning turning to a Chapter in Exodus, the beginning of the Chapter began thus, And God told Moses, etc. but his eyes failing him like a true Clubber he read thus, And God told Noses, etc. 15. A Company of good Companions made a match to go to Green-goose fair, where most commonly there are very saucy Reckon, and so they found it: but one thirsty person amongst the rest grumbled at it, and said he near paid so dear for a Goose in his life, but another answered him (who had been a notable wencher) that it was very cheap, for He had a Goose once at Winchester that cost him ten pounds. 16. There was a Gentleman whose only study and practice was Manhood, as ●ootball-playing, Wrestling, Pitching the ha●● throwing of Weights, Riding, and Fo●●ing, in which active practices he was so perfect, that he overmatched all men that came ●eer him, insomuch, that he was the Glory of the West of England, and he was Conquers of all men that came to him, and grew 〈…〉 that he could not find any man fit to 〈◊〉 him, but it happened, that one day after hunting at a drinking Match in an Alehouse, by chance he met a North Countryman, 〈◊〉 was highly extolling a great Gamester like himself in the North, who performed all exercises that were manly, and a person that was an overcommer of all that durst engage him. The Western Gentleman desired his name and habitation, which was soon told him, bu● when he heard he was impatient of further 〈◊〉, and therefore in order for a journey to him he provided himself of all 〈◊〉, and rid into the North, where with little enquiry he found the Gentleman's house, and knocking at the Gate, he was informed by a Servant that his Master was in his Park a mile off. The Traveller returned thanks, and with his Horse in his hand (guided by the Servants direction) he went to him, where he found him mending of a pale. Now take notice that this North Country Gentleman was a very stout man▪ but of very few words: and the Western Gentleman of as many, who thus began to accost him: Sir, I have intelligence that you are the stoutest man in all the North, and I am as highly reputed in the West, which hath provoked me to find you, out that we may try both our strength, and our skill, so far that fortune 〈…〉 may Crown one of us, the only glorious man in England. The North Countryman was still at his work: but heard distinctly all that he said: but returned no answer, only when the other had ended speaking, and expected a reply, the North Country man comes fairly to him, puts his hand under his twist, and pitcheth him over the Park pales, the West Country man see him do that so easily, began to think there was no contending with him, and therefore very civilly with his Hat in his hand, gave him a return in these words, I thank you Sir hearty. Pray throw my Horse over too. 17. A Soldier, who amongst many others being found guilty of mutiny, was condemned with his Companions by a Council of War to throw the Dice for his life, for such a certain number was to die, and they of them were only to live, according to the favour of the Dice. So they all threw but one man, who was very obstinate and would not throw, they told him he must, but he answered them that he had made a Solemn oath never to throw a die whilst he lived, and he would not be forsworn, but that would not serve his turn, for at the last they put them in his hand, and he threw them away from him. But they that took them up again found their chance to be two six and it went for a Cast, and saved him. 18. There was a Gentleman who had been very smartly drinking at the Feathers Tavern in Cheapside, where there is a very long entry from the street door to the Bar, and a drinking room by the way, where were many civil persons with their wives at supper, but their door was only shut to and not latched; and this Gentleman staggering thorough reeled against this door, and fell headlong into the Room, to the sudden astonishment of the Company, who rise up and demanded the reason of that rudeness, the poor Gentleman with very much ado got up, and staggering with his hat in his hand he made hard shift to cry them all mercy in these words: Gentlemen and Ladies, I pray excuse my boldness, and consider, I am not the first that have fallen into ill Company. 19 A Wenching fellow having been out all night, was asked where he had been? Who was answered, a hunting. A hunting quoth the other: where I prithee? marry in Bloomsbury Park replied the fellow, how quoth his friend in Bloomsbury Park? that was too little purpose for I am sure there is ne'er a Hare in it. 20. A Gentleman having been late out was at midnight going home to his Lodging, but by the way the Watch in Cheapside called him, which he took no notice of but jogged home as fast as he could stride, they called him again and again, but still he answered not; until at the last the Constable commanded four of them to fetch him in, they followed him, overtook him, and told him he must go before the Constable: so with some unwillingness they brought him back to the Constable, whom he charged of uncivility for stopping him in his way home. I cry you mercy quoth the Constable, I pray how am I uncivil? Yes marry are you quoth the Gentleman, for sending your bills to me after I have paid the reckoning. 21. A Gentleman who had constantly been a good fellow, meeting with some of his friends at a morning's draught, told his Companions that God forgive him, he went to bed like a beast last night, why quoth they? were you so drunk? No quoth he I was so sober. 22. There were two notable boon Companions which when they met were always so endeared to each others Company, that very seldom an earlier hour than midnight could part them, but when they were drunk they had two troublesome infirmities, Jack could not go nor Will could not speak, therefore one night before they fell to drinking, they made Articles of agreement that when they were drunk Will should carry Jack; and Jack should speak for Will, and after this agreement to drinking they went pellmell, until the one was drunk, and the other lame, so after they had paid the Reckoning, Will takes up Jack a pick-pack and carries him to Ludgate, and being very weary sets him down in the dark on a bench close by the prison. The Constable and Watch who were within the Gate, hearing a bustle; called out, saying, Who goes there▪ come before the Constable, Will could go well enough, but could not speak, so he went over to the Constable, who examined him whence he came, and why he was out so late, and where he lived, to which Will could answer nothing: but make mouths: but Jack having his tongue at liberty as he was sitting in the blind hole cries to the Constable: Sir, he cannot speak. Upon that the Constable asked who was that which spoke, and commanded him to come before him; to which, Jack made answer Sir I can't go, at which the Constable and Watch laughed, Will took up his load again, and away they marched. FINIS.