A modest Vindication of the Earl of S y: In a Letter to a Friend concerning his being Elected King of Poland.  
AT a time when the eyes of all Europe are directed towards the event of our present Affairs; At such a time as this when the Balance of our public safety seems so equally poised, that it is hard to guests in which Scale lies our Happiness, or Ruin: I think it my duty, as an honest man, a true Subject to the Government I live under, and a Friend to Truth; to give you (since you so earnestly have requested it) my just and impartial Sentiments of our present condition, as it particularly relates to the Lord of S S —y now under Confinement in the Tower.  
This Great Man, (I cannot but call him so) this immediate first mover (as some would have it) of all the dreadful Revolutions that perhaps of late years have seemed to threaten us, will nevertheless appear to you by the following Relation which I am to give you of him, a Man as very Extraordinary in his Abilities, so no less wonderful for his Virtue. Not to mention his unshaken Obedience to every Government he has been concerned in, or lived under; his steady adherence to every Religion that had but hopes to be established; his unwearied endeavours for the Restauration of the public Peace in the time of our late unhappy Troubles; his admirable Counsils all along for the Improvement of the common Good of the Kingdom; the Honour and Safety of the Monarchy, the Success of our Arms, and the Overthrow of our Enemies.  
His Obedience to the Government is sufficiently evident, insomuch, that That never changed, but He did: His endeavours for public Peace are eminently notorious; For in the late Civil War (in spite of all Obligations of Honour and Loyalty to the contrary,) he forsook the King, and carried over his Regiment to the Parliament on purpose (as much as in him lay) to weaken the Royal Cause, and by the ruin of that, to bring that War to an end, that no more Rebel Blood might be shed, though the great Martyrs Veins were drained afterwards without Mercy.  
So much he then acted for public Peace, but what he has advised for public Good would fill a Volumn up: who can enough commemorate the shutting up of the Exchequer to put the King out of Debt? The breaking of the Triple League to prevent the growth of France, the dividing of the Fleet that we might be sure to beat the Dutch, though in the end it cost us a Victory; yet certainly his meaning and foresight in it, was to preserve the Shipping, and the tender Lives of the Subject.  
Then for the Honour and Safety of the Monarchy; none so sincere, so steady and so faithful as he has been: for the Honour of the King, witness his late Speech in Parliament, afterwards printed, and burnt by the Common-Hangman for the safety of the King; witness the cause of his present Imprisonment; But for the public safety, what Honours he has despised, what promotions neglected, will appear in the following relation, which certainly the World will never question the truth of, since the main of it has been taken from his own mouth, that perfect Index of his Heart, and Oracle of Truth.  
In a late Paper, printed for the Vindication of this matchless Patriot, the Reader will find many and extraordinary Instances of Preferments and Honours, which this Noble Peer has waved and refused rather than suffer himself to be bribed from the Interest of the common Good: But what he has merely lost in tender pity and compassion this poor Kingdom of England, and it's true Protestant Religion, aught to be remembered, as long as there is a Sceptre swayed in Poland, or the Turk unconverted.  
I suppose there are very few in this Kingdom that do not very sensibly ●●member the late Inter-regnum in Poland: How many Illustrious Candidates stood fair for the Election: Sobietski indeed had done great things for that People, he had kept their Potent Enemy the Turk from entering any farther upon their Frontiers; was great and popular in the esteem and love of the best Army that perhaps they ever had, but that was by much too little to Entitle him to the Succession on the Throne; it appearing absolutely the Interest of that Nation that the Great Turk was not only to be beaten, he must in short too be converted, and who so fit for such an Enterprise, as he that next should be promoted to the Regal Authority? One that from the high place he was to possess, might not only Administer Justice to them, but Salvation to the greatest part of Asia.  
To find out such a Spirit, one fit for so great and extraordinary an undertaking, you may imagine the wise Diet omitted no diligence: the Constitutions of all the Governments in Europe were looked into, as they stood Qualified both in Church and State; and whence was it so proper to expect a Lawgiver, such an Oracle as they then wanted, but from the best modelled Government, and best Disciplined Church in the World? Therefore upon strict enquiry, France appearing too Despotic, Spain too uncertain and irregular, Holland absolutely Antimonarchical, and few or no Cheese-mongers in it fit to make a Monarch of, Germany too near 'em; and that if once they ventured upon a King from thence, The Emperor upon every like occasion might be imposing one threadbare Prince or other upon them to ease his own People: For you must note, that in Germany Princes are Quartered upon Provinces, as Regiments were in England upon Corporations in the time of Rebellion, and are indeed the great Grievance of the Country.  
Upon these Considerations, you may imagine, Quickly the eyes of the whole Diet were cast upon little England, and there, upon whom so soon as the little Lord of S— y? Polish Deputies were immediately sent Post incognito, with the Imperial Crown and Sceptre in a Cloak-bag to him. Old Blood smelled it from Bishops-gate-street where they alighted to his Lodging; and had it not been for an old Acquaintance and ancient Friendship between King Anthony the Elect (for now I must call him so) and himself, I am credibly informed he had laid an Ambush for it at the Cock Alehouse by Temple-Bar, where some thirty indigent Bullies were eating stuffed Beef Helter Skelter at his charge, on purpose to stand by, and assist him in carrying off the Booty.  
But Heaven (which I hope has ordained that no Crown shall ever suffer damage for King Anthony's sake) took care to preserve this; For the sinister Designs of the old Irish Crown-monger being yet to be doubted, this prudent Prince (as I am told) having tried and fitted it to his Head, carefully sent it back again by a trusty Messenger, concealed in the hulk or shell of a Holland Cheese, taken asunder merely for that purpose, and cemented together again by an Art, fit for no man to know but a King Presumptive of Poland.  
All things thus prepared; his Election being carried in the Diet so unanimously and so nemine contradicente, that no man to this hour ever heard of it but himself; It is not to be imagined how this little Grigg was transported with the thoughts of growing into a Leviathan he fancied himself the Picture before Pobb's Commonwealth already, nay he stopped up his Tap (as I am told) on purpose that his Dropsy might swell him big enough for His Majesty, and of a sudden grew so utter an Enemy to all Republics and Antimonarchical Constitutions, that from that hour he premeditated, and laid the foundation of a worse Speech than that Famous one which he uttered once in our English Senate, Entitled Delenda est Carthago.  
But now upon deliberate and weighty consideration of the great Charge he was to undertake, many difficulties and of an extraordinary nature seemed to arise. A Protestant King being Elected to a Popish Kingdom, great were the Debates within himself which way he was to steer his Course in the Administration of his Government, so as to discharge his Conscience, as well in respect of the Case incumbent upon him of the Souls of his People, as of the protection of their Properties and Persons.  
The Great Turk, you have heard before, was to be converted: Now to bring so Mighty a Potentate over to the Church of Rome, seemed utterly destructive of the Protestant Interest, which he has always been so violent a Champion for: Therefore it is resolved, (Protestant, and True Protestant) the Ottomon Emperor must be, or nothing. But how (when that was done) to establish the same Church in his own Dominions? there was the great Question. Whereupon, after due Consideration, he resolved at his taking Possession of that Throne, which stood gaping for him, to carry over from hence such Ministers, both of Church and State, as might be proper to advise, assist and support him, in a Design so pious, though so difficult.  
Immediately therefore he proceeds to the drawing a Scheme of the whole Ministry of his Government; and in a large Scroll, whereon was endorsed in Text Letters this Magnificent Title; Arcana Imperii Poloniensis sub Regno Augustissimi Principis Anthonileski Ashleiski primi Dei Gratia istius Populi Regis, etc. was contained a List of all the great Officers of the Crown, and of his Household, which (according to the best light I could get into the matter) was as follows:  
Seignioro Roberto Howardensko 
Our Chancellor.  — Eskriekski, 
Our Treasurer.  Slabberigund Kentelaus, Tarsallan Huntingtonierkew, Jalouxion Grayoski, Whiggund Arronowitz, 
Privy-Councellors, and Lords of our Bedchamber.  Loyallin Mordantaiko, 
Admiral of Our Fleet, at present under an Embargo.  Braggardo Maclesseildowski, and his two Sons, 
Generals of Our Army.  Thomazo Armstrongeyland, 
Captain of a Troop of tolerated Bandits to raise Arbitrary Contributions.  Seigniori Newportoski, 
controller of Our Household, and Master of Our Ceremonies, to show his Civility on one hand, and his Justice on the other.  Fidelio Porterewski, 
First Groom of our Bedchamber, though we suspect him for little better than a Spy to the Pope.  Richaiski Coolaiski 
and his Friend Willisko Herbertensko, Secretaries of State.  Tom Merrayo, 
Clerk of the Council.  Suffolkin Feltona●ko, Grissinceper, surnamed the Clown, 
Masters of the Horse and Dog-whippers by turns.  Boobyan Bridgesmund, Slowchero Posleno●itz, 
Concealed Politicians and Counselors under the Character and Livery of Our Chair-men.  Don Stephano Volponiester, 
Another under the disguise of a Footman, but designed Paymaster of Our Army.  Prince Prettyman Perkinoski, 
Our Adopted Heir, because a little wiser than Our own Son, and designed to be offered to the Diet for Our Successor; His present Employment (together with the assistance of the Princess his Sister) is, to cure the Plica, or King's Evil of this Country, in case Our own Majesty should fail of that Virtue.  Slingibeski Betheliski, 
Chief Headsman of Warsaw.  Francisco Turnspitanski, 
Esquire of Our Body, in case he will promise not to sell his place.  The Valiant Russillaus, 
Captain of Our Guards, and Knight of the Halter, a new Order to be instituted at Our Coronation.  Cappellanoff le Grandi, 
Intended Viceroy of the first Kingdom our General shall Conquer.  Madonna la bella Croftesia, Poultneyinda la Pruda, 
Lady Abbesses for two Protestant Nunneries, to be established for the use of Us and Our Ministers.  Everardo Fitz-henerisko, 
To write Libels against Us by Our own Consent, to bring Us into favour with Our People.  Jean Drydenurtzitz, 
Our Poet Laureate for writing Panegyrics upon Oliver Cromwell, and Libels against his present Master King Charles II. of England.  Tom. Shadworiski, 
His Deputy.  Sodomito Fanshawiski, 
Designed Our Ambassador to the Grand Seigneur with a Present of Protestant handsome Boys in order to his Conversion.   
This was the best account I could possibly get of the matter: There were indeed a great many more nominated to Offices and Preferments; but not being able to gain a perfect Catalogue of them, I have contented my myself with barely a recital of such things as upon my own knowledge I dare recommend to the world for Truth; and that, to the best of my remembrance, I have exactly observed in the foregoing Relation.  
But in the very height of all this expectation, one night as his Majesty Elect lay musing in his Bed, restless with the thoughts and expectation of the approaching Empire, there appeared to him by the light of a Lamp that was burning in his Chamber, a dreadful and most monstrous Vision; the Shape and Figure of it was very Confused and Irregular; sometimes it looked like the Whore of Babylon, naked, and of immense nudities; Presently, in the twinkling of an eye, the Form was changed, and it appeared like a Justice of Peace strangled by a Crew of Ruffians, who afterwards ran him thorough the Body with his own Sword, that it might be thought he hanged himself; Of a sudden it was altered again, and seemed a Troop of Pilgrims, armed with Black-Bills, that came from the Lord knows whence, landed the Lord knows where, and are gone the Lord knows whither. His Majesty seeing it vary so often, and so terribly, (calling up all the Faith he had to his assistance) boldly demanded, In the Name of etc. what art Thou? Instantly, after a terrible Clap of Thunder, attended with several Flashes of Lightning, it contracted itself into the shape of a Doctor of Salamancha, and in an hideous tone cried, I am a PIOT; Woe to England; Farewell till 78. and vanished. No sooner was it gone, but a stupid amazement seized upon the Majesty of Poland, and cast him into a deep sleep, where he lay till morning; when awakening, he found himself stripped of all the high and aspiring thoughts that before had filled his mind; Pity and Compassion towards his Native-Countrey cooled utterly his Ambition; and from that moment he laid by all thoughts of Converting the Turk, and resolved to stay at home for the Confounding the Pope.  
Thus has this good Man (for now he is no more his Majesty again) refused the greatest Promotion that perhaps any Subject of England was ever raised to, merely to stand in a Gap here, and stay the Plague that was coming upon us.  
Sir, what Justification of him may be gathered from the Truth of this, and his present condition, I leave to your better Judgement, and subscribe myself.  
Your humble Servant, etc.   

London, Printed for 〈◊〉 Smith Bookseller in Chief to His Majesty Elect of Poland, 1681.