THE Maidens Complain Against COFFEE. OR, THE COFFEE-HOUSE DISCOVERED, Besieged, Stormed, Taken, Untyled and la●… Open to public view, in a merry Conference between Mr. Black-burnt the Coffee-man. Mr. Suck-soul the usurer. Mr. Antidote the Mountibank. Mr. Purge the Apothecaries. Mris. troublesone the usurers wife. Snap-short the Usurers man. Toby the Brokers man. Dorothy the usurers maid. And joan the Brokers maid. BEING Very pleasant and delightsome for Old and Young, Lads and Lasses, Boyes a●… girls, Omnium gatherum, as the devout Ironmonger quotes it, in his Annotations upon Toby and his Dog. Written by Merc. Democ. at his Chamber in the World in the Moon, for the ben●… of all the mad-merry-conceited people under the Sun. LONDON, Printed for J. Jones and are to be sold at the Royal Excha●… in cornhill, 1663. THE COFFEE-HOUSE UNTYL'D. Black-burnt WHo's at door? troublesome. Is my Husband here? black. He is just come in. Pray Mris troublesone go into the Coffee-room, there's none but a Broker with him. Troubl. Truly Mr. Suck-soul you drive a fine Trade here, you'l ene make your body as black with this cursed liquour, as your Soul is with extortion; but efaith I'll beat up your quarters a little oftener then I have done; for if your haunt be here Black burnt will Soul-suck you with his Coffee more than you do the poor with extortion. Black. Indeed Mris troublesone you judge very uncharitably, for my gain is but ten pence in the shilling, and I am as well contented with that as he that gets pounds. Troubl. I mary, that you may well be, for ten pence in the shilling is just. 83 pound, 6 shillings and 8 pence per cent. and if my husband get but 30, or 40 pound in the hundred he's as safe as a thief in a mill. Come Suck-soul, let's be gone. Suck-soul. prithee love be patient, I'll follow the presently. Troubl. You shall go with me, or the house shall be to hot to hold you or any of your Companions, before Black-burnt shall keep you up in his Hell-black Ordinary, I'll make h●m fly his house, I and his Country too. Black. Pray Mris. troublesone don't make such a rattling noise here to d●sturb my house, and fright away my customers, if you do, I shall be forced to turn you out a doors. Troubl. Use better language, Sirrah, be more Civil, Or I shall fling your Coffee to the Devil. Suck. Mr. Black-burt I must needs go, or there will be such a peal of thunder by and by, as will far exceed the heat of your Coffee; for this is but one of my Wives preambles she will enlarge presently, to prevent that danger farewell. Antidote and Purge. Antid. Well overtaken Mr. Purge, Whether away so fast? purge. In soothe I'm going to the Devils Ordinary called the Coffee House. Ant. Efaith Change time is almost past. Let's away with all dexterity, agility and celerity, least we lose our opportunity; for I intend to persuade as many as I can to drink that Indian liquour, 'twill make work enough for me. purge. I and for me too I hope, if your trade go forward. Ant. And that it shall do, for what Ingredients I want, I'll have of none but yourself. purge. Come then, let's enter this Coffee-house. Ant. Mr. Black-burnt, Have you any Coffee ready? Black. Yes Sir; the best in London. Ant. Give me a dish. Oh it's rare liquour, good for several diseases, an infallible Medicine I'll promise you for the Gout, Consumption, dropsy, phthisic and all other Maladies. All the Customers. Truly Sir we have found some good in it, but if it be infallible, and so rare for all diseases, wee'l make this our headquarters. Ant. Do you see Mr. Purge how it takes with them, I shall have employment enough; for I know it is the only liquour in the universe, to fill the body with diseases, it drys up the brains, putrefies the blood, shrinks up the Sinews, Nerves, Arteries and corodes upon every part of the body, that I am sure to have patients enough infected to fill my Coffers. purge. Sil, I hope as fortune favours you with store of patients, you will be pleased to favour me with your custom, for I can fit you with Unguents, Syrups, O●ls, Pills, plasters, Powders, and other Ingredients of all sorts. Ant. I know thou'rt an able fellow, be confident of my custom, till when farewell. Enter Dorothy and joan. Dorothy. Honest Ione, how fares it with you these hard times? Ione. Worse then ever I expected; for I believe I shall never enjoy any comfort from our man Snapshort since he went, with my Master to the Coffee-house, he is so dry as a kix, that damned liquour will shorten his life and ability at least five in the fifteen. Dorothy. And truly our Toby is come to the same pass; for since he drank Coffee, he is no more like the man he was then an apple's like an Oyster. Ione. In truth Dorothr my Mistris complains as much of my Master; for now, if she look him, she finds him no where but at a Coffee-house forsooth, with a dish in his hand and a pipe at his nose, where there's a fmoak like a Brewers Stoak-hole. Dorothy. Verily Joan my M●is. does cry out as much against my Master, for formerly she was wont to find him at a tavern, where she could have a glass of Canary to refresh her languishing spirits, but now( since this black-broth came up) if she look him, he's at a Coffee house, making a chimney of his noddle, where there is such an odious scent; faugh, faugh, faugh it makes my heart ache to think what a Jaques he makes of his brains. Joan. I believe the Devil first invented this liquour, on purpose to plague our Sex. Dor. I imagine so too, but rather then I'll dote upon a man that drinks Coffee, I am resolved to leod Apes in Hell. Joan. And Devils to rather then I will think, Upon such sots as Hell-burn'd liquours drink. Dorothy. I protest Ione there's a little comfort in Chocolate, but before I'll flng myself away upon any such dry whoreson as drinks Coffee, I'll wrap my Maiden-head in my smock, and fling it into the Ocean to be bugger'd to death by young Lobsters. Joan. And for my part, I'll hang my Maiden-head on a Wind-mill to be bated to death by the four Winds, rather then be poisoned with the scent of old crusts, and shreds of Leather burned and beaten to powder, of which I believe this cursed Coffee is made; some decayed merchant has doubtless brought this in fashion to replenish his cracked estate; and without question blind Hewson was the first inventor of this liquour, who converted his old shoes to powder, and sent them over on purpose to poison the English; but I'll do the best I can to preserve myself from being infected with the scent of the Devils ordinary, and so farewell sister Dorothy. Dorothy. Adieu till to morrow, and then, if we meet, instead of Coffee, wee'l have a cup of wholesome Ale and a tost, till when let us he gone for yonder comes Snapshort and Toby. Toby. Heav'ns assist me! What's this? a vision! Sure 'tis honest Snapshort the usurers man! Efaith 'tis he in his own likeness, How fairs it with you? Snap. So strangely that I am ready to stagger with thinking, as much as the most distempered sot in the world can be with swallowing a whole brewing of English Ale. Toby. prithee Snapshort what's the cause of thy sudden distemper? Snap. Cause enough to make thee mad if there were no more men in the world but thyself; for upon Thursday last, I travelled to the Royal Exchange, to collect certain sums of money due to my Master from some decayed Marchants; and by the confused noise of several Languages, I was so confounded in my noddle that my brains ran to and fro like a foot-boy; and passing from thence into Lothbury, I went into a Coffee-house, took a dish of that Hell-burn'd liquour, thinking to settle them in their right Center, with the rattling noise of Kettles, Skimers and Ladles amongst the braziers, my brains run round so swift as a Wind-mill, and all my joints were as num as a● old Womans troubled with the dead Palsy 30 years together, till I went into Moor-fields, took a turn or two in the usurers walk, and drank a cup of good wholesome Ale, with which I was revived, enlivened and restored to my memory, so perfectly, that I had an account in my pate of every penny due to my Master since the Creation. Toby. Sfoot Snapshort, I'm not a little joyful of thy recovery to thy sences, but for that cursed Indian liquour, 'twill poison a horse, it is a drench for the Devil; for since I drank Coffee, twice I adventer'd to storm the fortress of our maid joan, with as much eagerness as ever the Great Turk did attempt to gain Constantinople; yet all my hopes were frustrated, and I did but just fling away a nights lodging or two, to as little purpose as if I had run my Head into a Kitching-stuff Tub; But I'll leave Coffee, for a cup of Bracket Will fit a young man for a Maidens I'l— Snap. I that, that, thas's the liquour I fancy; for I've as great an ambition to try our maid Dorothy as ever I had to satisfy my hungry maw with a breakfast of poach'd Eggs. Toby. Honest Snapshort, I'll help the to a cup of the best about London, for a cunning Landabe●is of mine invited me( not long ago) to a house in Petty-France, where after a bottle or two, I grew so strong, that I called for a more convenient room, went up stairs, had a fresh bottle, flung her on the bed, and gave her as good a meales meat as ever she eat since the prime of her understanding; these are the effects of Bracket, but for Coffee, that cursed liquour disables the most valiant Hectors in the universe. Nay, I dare pawn my honesty, had Coffee been made in the days of fair helen of Greece, so many heroic Champions would not have been so Ivsty, to adventur their lives and fortunes for a Nunquam satis. Rather than I will such damned liquour take, I'll drink the waters of the Stygian Lake. Snap. But to leave off this dispute, where shall we pacify the fury of our angry Stomacks with a good dinner? Toby. If you'l accept of such faire as I have provided for a friend or two of mine, you shall be as welcome as Maycrel in May; Go with me to the Labour in Vain, I have bespoke a Shoulder of Veal stuffed with Cockles, a Lobster-tart, a Goose-giblet Custard, ner'e a bone of beef, a Lack of Mutton and two Wood-cocks, if you'l make a third you'l find as good company as yourself; for there's Donpancratone the Spanish Postelion, and Mounsieut La Flamsted the Plank-weaver of Tenebrosa, as good company as ever mortal mouthed meat withal, besides a rare echo of invissible music. Snap. Never was gentleman of quality better pleased with a dinner than I am in election to be. Divine cheer! Oh how pomper'd my poor paunch is like to be by honest Toby! Veal, Cockles, Lobsters, Mutton, beef, Wood-cocks, Goose-giblets, music and pure company; the gods themselves could not have more variety of dainties for fish and flesh; But among all this cheer is there no Coffee? Toby. Not a drop comes in my mouth or any mans there. What, poyso● my guess, no honest Snapshort, there's a cup of good wholesome English Ale, 'Twill sting your Nose like Nector, and will raise Rich Rubies to your everlasting praise. Snap. Come noble Toby let's away to dine, And steep our drowsy souls in sparkling Wine. The Mountebanks Postcript to the Reader. Reader, this drink called Coffee, it is good To dry the Brains, and putrefy the Blood; It Cures the Body of its health, no doubt The sight also, if that it put not out The eye:, itis full of Gravel, and there's none That use it, but may soon obtain the ston, The palsy, dropsy, Gout, fever and Ptifick, So that in fine, they'l come to me for physic: It dries up moisture, shortens precious life, And makes a man unkind unto his Wife: It makes a Christian blacker far within, Then ever was the Negars outward skin: Its of a Berry, men, this ●iquor make, Which is transported from the Stygion Lake, Upon the Banks of it these bushes grows, The which the Stygion waters overf●ows, ( Like Nilus) and so nourished is this Weed, That n●w hath gained the name of Coffee seed: If't be not brought from Styx, no man can tell, ( It is so black) except it grow in Hell. FINIS.