THE MARRIED MENS FEAST.  
OR, The Banquet at BAR-NET.  
Being An Invitation to all those married persons who are Master over their Wives to a great dinner provided at Barnet on Michaelmas-day next.  
Together With the Articles to be inquired on of all those that are to be admitted to the Feast, with the several dishes and dainties provided for them.  
Come all away do not this Feast neglect  
Unless it be such men as are Hen-peckt,  
For these there is no Room as you shall see  
The others Welcome, Welcome; Welcome be.  
LONDON, Printed by Peter Lillicrap for John clerk at the Harp and Bible in West-Smith-Field. 1671.   

The Married Mens Feast.  
COme all away to this jovial Feast, unless you intend to go in the Hen peckt-Friggot, what let a woman domineer over you, call you Rogue, Rascal, perhaps cuckolded, nay and not belie you neither, for shane suffer it not, teach her manners with a Crab-tree Cudgel, she will never love variance after it, and so by consequence be the less saucy. Loose not the prerogative that is due to your Sex; to see a domineering Wife and a submissive Husband, is as prep●●●●ns a sight, as to see a knave in an honest Mans Doublet, or a Horse-courser professing honesty.  Aquavitae for a mere, hang her Jade, hang her. 
But my invitation is not to such Milk-sops that are Crow-trodden, or rather Hagg-ridden,( as all are that are Hen-peckt,) but to those Sons of Mars, Bellona's fellows, who knowing the Saddle belongs to their place refuse to hold the stir up.  
Brave Martialists who sco n to led such lives,  
As be ore-topt by domineering wive,  
Who though their tongues like peals of Gun-shot Thunder  
Maintain their right and keep such damned Shrows under.  
To all such, and none but such does my invitation belong, and therefore if you are thus qualified, come boldly forth and harken to the words of the crier.  
O Yes, O Yes, O Yes.  
All manner of Married persons, high or low, rich or poor, wise or simplo, Gentlemen or Beggars, that can truly and honestly answer in the affirmative to all these questions hereafter mentioned; you are hereby invited Gratis to a special Feast provided for you at Barnet, in the County of Hartford upon Michaelmas day next between the hours of eleven and twelve, where you shall be accommodated with all things necessary for the dignity of such a Feast, and persons of so deserving merits.  
The Q●●stions.  
1. Does your Wife in the Win●er time warm your bed for you against you are ready to go in●o it, or if she have n● coals ready, does she go into your place her self, and warm the same with her buttocks against your coming thereto?  
2. Is she ready ●o run when you command her to fetch a pot of ●eer, Al● or the like, and does she ma●e you a low courtesy when she delivers the po●.  
3. Do●s she a●k you leave at any time when she goes abroad, and does she not stay above the prefixed time that you allow her.  
4. Does she rise before you in the Morning, and make you a fire against your rising, wa●●●ng you ●r slippers or shoes against your putting them on?  
5. Does she if dinner or supper be ready w●en you are at the Ale-house or Tavern, subm●ssively slay for your coming home, and not cut one bit thereof until you are come.  
6. If thou chance to be int●x●cated with the juice of Bacchus, by drinking supernacculum, or stealing a loaf out of the Brewers basket, does thy wife the next morning make thee a Posset or a Caudle, saying pray Husband drink this it is good to settle your head, and if thou refuse to do it, or seem to be angry with her for troubling thee, does she put finger in the eye and weep.  
7. Does she keep silence when you bid her hold her peace and not talk in her sleep; In sum, does she go at your command, come at your call, and be obedient to you in every thing she is appointed to do.  
If these things she performs( though you don't baste her)  
Yet ore your Wife we will conclude you Master.  
But alas where shall men find Wives thus qualified, truly I am afraid they must bespeak them, for there are no such ready made, but on the contrary most Women have tongues as long as a Bell-Rope, and as loud as the Clapper; like to a River always running and making as big ● noise as the Cataracts of Nilus, that deaf all the Inhabitants thereabouts.  
The premises considered, it is to be thought there will not be such a great appearance of these married Master, but that the Town of Barnet will be able to contain and maintain them all without the help of adjacent Parishes. For you must understand, that though here and there such a Rose may be found amongst so many Nettles, I mean such a wife may by chance be had as may comply with her husbands desires in one of those seven Interrogatories before mentioned, yet she is a phoenix indeed( I doubt she is now dead) who never offended her Husband, but in all those seven Articles before recited, performeth them all, and every thing else she is by her Husband commanded to do.  
And therefore I believe the Butchers may have no great trading for this Feast, since some suppose the leg of a Lark may satisfy all those that can swear truly their Wives are obedient to them in every thing they are bidden to do, and never offended their husbands in word or dee●. Truly for my own part I would give all the Money in my little pocket for such a wife, but as for such women as scold, brawl, s●ratch and bite, calling their Husbands fool, ass, lobcock and wittall, a wife of gingerbread is better then they.  
Yet do not doubt but England breeds some such men as without any exceptions may lay claim to dine at this Feast, to which people for their better encouragement, shall acquaint them with the dainties provided for their entertainment.  
Imprimis, for an Clia Podrida the hearts of four Game-Cocks, fi●st par-boyl'd in the tears of a woman that cries because she cannot have the will of her Husband; then added to them the brains of eight Cocksparrows, mixed with the pith or marrow of two town bulls, and so served up with Crab-t●ee sauce.  
2. The roasted wings of four, mounting Larks to be divided into two messes, the one for the upper end, the other the lower end of the table.  
3. A Phoenix py● because rare men deserve rare meat, which is to be made Cast●e-wise, with a sprig of palm or laurel on the top of it betokeni●g victory.  
4. A dish or several sorts of Tongue●, to signify that being masters of their wives tongues, they may freely eat upon any kind of meat without exceptions.  
5. A Friccass made of several Rumps carbonado'd, v●z. Capons, Sheep, Oxen, &c. all which being well fried are to be strewed over with the yolks of ●urkeys Eggs, and so served up to the Table.  
6. A dish of Fish consisting of Carp and Pout, which is to be all eaten up, to signify that all discontents in their wives is devoured.  
7. If the Company should increase bigger then is expected as to be a dozen persons or so, then there is seventhly to be a Gammon of Bacon pie, to make them relish their liquour the better, to sing Old Rose and to drink a health to all those who will not so much unman themselves as to be brought into subjection by a domineering woman.  
Thus you see that as the Articles they are to be enquired of are seven, so the dishes of meat they are to be fed withall are likewise seven, there is also to be provided for them to drink seven several sorts of english liquours, viz. 1. cider, whose Annigram is desire. 2. Perry. 3. Mead. 4. Bracket. 5. Pomperkin. 6. Ale. 7. Beer. Then after they have dined they are also to be accommodated with seven several sorts of wine, viz. 1. claret. 2. White-Wine. 3. Rhenish-Wine. 4. Muscadine. 5 Ippocras. 6. Maligo. And 7. Canary the King of all wines, far surpassing all those liquours the ancient Poets do writ of, as Helicon, Tempe, Aganippe, the Pegascan Fountain, the Thespian Spring, the Muses well, and abundance of such other unknown, rich invissible Regalies.  
Sack does surpass them all to my own knowledge,  
As wisdoms School surpasses Gotam college.  
Were I in Smith-field Rounds for 
* Honest Mr. B.  Ceorges sake  
One Glass to whet my Muse thereof i'd take.  
But when I once get into the praise of Sack, see how loathe I am to get out of it, for the Anagram of Sack being Cask; when like Diogenes I am within the Cask, I could live and die there. But let us proceed to tell you.  

The manner how this Feast is to be Ushered on to the Table.  
Before the dishes, first march six Trumpeters playing on Bag-pipes the tune of Chevy Chase, a very marshal tune.  
In the second place go four Musimaners alias fiddlers playing on Jews-harps, vulgarly called by the boys of our town Jews-trumps.  
Then just before the dishes two lusty men, such as was Ascapart page. to Bevis of Southampton, to make way, and to keep the people off ●rom thronging upon the Servitors.  
Then marches a Gentleman Usher in a read Scarlet Cloak, with white Silver Lace upon it.  
After that comes the servitors bare-headed, with the dishes in their hands being all of them Hen-peckt fellows, and therefore wearing ropes about their shoulders instead of towels, to signify what they deserve for suffering their wive● to become their Masters.  
Thus have I given you a brief description of those dishes of dainties provided for the Feast, a dinner so rare that Lucullus nor Heliogaba●us those two famous Romans so eminent for the Gusto had never the like. And now methinks I hear the men of the Country discoursing of this Feast, one of them asking the other, what neighbour do you intend to go to Barnet on Michaelmas day to this great dinner, to which the other( sighing) makes this reply; Oh neighbour I would I could lawfully do it, but my wife must be taken down thirteen pegs lower before I can be capable of so great a blessing, for the other day going to the Ale-house with a Customer of mine, though I stayed not above a quarter of an hour, and spent but onely one single two pence, yet when I came home, her clack did so go, and her tongue rurg such a thundering peal, that two Mill-Clappers, three hand guns, and four pieces of Ordnance could not make a greater noise, so that I was forced to beg her pardon and desire her to be quiet, to the ever uncapacitating me of being capiable for eating of Phoenix-pye at Barnet on a Michaelmas day.  
But women are not only domineering over their husbands, but now a days they are grown to such a height that every Wring-spicket will be domineering both in words and blows over other men.  
First scold and rail their patience to perplex  
And then with Law-suits seek them for to vex.  
And therefore let every one have a care how they mary, Metellus being asked by Pyso why he married his Son being so young and before he was wise( said he) if my Son grow to be wise he will never mary.  
Then let all serving-men that would not go to Sea in the Hen-peckt Friggot, at their first mitation into the state of Matrimony, be sure to keep the bridle in their own hands, they be not jade-ridden by a scolding wife, for win the day at first and you may with ease keep it afterwards, but if( fie on such a but) you yield the day at first, your case is very pitiful, yea so pitiful that next to a man riding up Halborn-hill Westward for Flounders, I know none worse.  
forewarned, forearmed for this you may protest,  
Those that are Hen-peckt come not to this Fenst.   
FINIS.