the ten Pleasures. of MARRIAGE.   
Printed at London 1682.   

THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE, Relating All the delights and contentments that are masked under the bands of Matrimony. Written by A. MARSH, Typogr.  
LONDON, Printed in the Year, 1682.   

To the Reader.  
COurteous Reader,  
This small Treatise which I here present unto thee is the fruit of somés spare hours, that my cogitations, after they had been for a small time, between while, hover to and fro in the Air, came fluttring down again, still pitching upon the subject of the Ten Pleasures of Marriage, in each of which I hope thou wilt find something worthy of thy acceptance, because I am sureed is matter of such nature as hath never before been extant, and especially in such a method; neither canst thou well expect it to be dressed up in any thing of nice and neat words, as other subjects may be, but only to be clad in plain habit most fit for the humour of the Fancy. If I perceive that it please thee, and is not roughly or unkindly dealt withal; nor brained in the Nativity, to spoil its generation of a further product, it will encourage me to proceed upon a second part, some say of the some Tune, but I mean to the same Purpose, and apparelled very near the same dress: In the mean time, with hopes that thou wilt be kind to this, and give it a gentle reception, from him who is thine: Farewell.   
The Ten PLEASURES Of MARRIAGE.  

THe Nuptial estate trailing along with it so many cares, troubles & calamities, it is one of the greatest admirations, that people should be so earnest and desirous to enter themselves into it. In the jounger sort who by their sulphurous instinct, are subject to the tickling desires of nature, and look upon that thing called Love through a multiplying-glass, it is somewhat pardonable: But that those who are once come to the years of knowledge and true understanding should be drawn into it, methinks is most vilely foolish, and morris fools caps were much fitter for them, than wreaths of Laurel. Yet stranger it is, that those who have been for the first time in that horrible estate, do, by a decease, cast themselves in again to a second and third time. Truly, if for once any one be through contrary imaginations misled, he may expect some hopes of compassion, and allege some reasons to excuse himself: but what comfort, or compassion can they look for, that have thrown themselves in a second and third time? they were happy, if they could keep their lips from speaking, and tie their tongues from complaining, that their miseries might not be more and more burdened with scoffings which they truly merit.  
And though not only the real truth of this, but ten times more, is as well known to every one, as the Sun shine at noon day; nevertheless we see them run into it with such an earnestness; that they are not to be counselled, or kept back from it, with the strength of Hercules; despising their golden liberty, for chains of horrid slavery.  
But we see the bravest sparks, in the very blossoming of their youth, how they decay? First, Gentlemanlike, they take pleasure in all manner of noble exercises, as in keeping time all dancing, singing of music, playing upon instruments, speaking of several languages, studying at the best Universities, and conversing with the learnedst Doctors, etc. or else we see them, before they are half perfect in any exercise, like carl cats in March run mewing and yawling at the doors of young Gentlewomen; and if any of those have but a small matter of more than ordinary beauty, (which perhaps is gotten by the help of a damned bewitched pot of paint) she is immediately adored like a Saint upon an Altar. And in an instant there is as much beauty and perfection to be seen in her, as ever Juno, Venus and Pallas possessed all together.  
And herewith those Gentile Pleasures, that have cost their Parents so much money, and them so much labour and time are kicked away, and totally abandoned that they may keep company with a painted Jezebel. They are then hardly arrived at this entitled happiness, but they must begin to chaw upon the bitter shell of that nut, the kernel whereof, without sighing, they cannot taste; having no sooner obtained access to the Lady, but are as suddenly possessed with thousands of thoughts what they shall do to please the Sweet object. Being therewith so tosticated, that all their other business is dispersed, and totally laid aside. This is observable not only in youth of the first degree, but also in persons that have received promotion.  
For if he be a Theologue, his books drop out of his hands, and by straggling about his study, even as his senses do, one among another. And if you hear him preach, his whole Sermon is nothing but of Love, which he then turns & winds to Divinity as far as possible it can be fitted.  
If it be a Doctor of Physic, oh! he has so much work with his own sickness, that he absolutely forgets all his Patients, though some of them were lying at death's door; and lets the Chirurgeon, whom he had appointed certainly to meet there, tarry to no purpose, taking no more notice of his Patient's misery, and the peril of his wounds, then if it did not concern him. But if at last he doth come, it is when the wound's festered, the Ague in the blood, or that the body is incurable. So far was he concerned in looking after that Love-apple, or Night-shadow, for the cure of his own burning distemper.  
If he be a Counsellor, his whole brain is so much puzzled how to begin and pursue the Process for the obtaining his Mistress in Marriage; that all other suits though they be to the great detriment of poor Widows and Orphans are laid aside, and wholly rejected. Then being desired by his Clients to meet them at any place, and to give his advice concerning the cause, he hath had such earnest business with his Mistress, that he comes an hour or two later than was appointed. But coming at last, one half of the time that can be spent, is little enough to make Mr. Counsellor understand in what state the cause stood ta the last meeting. And then having heard what the plaintiff and Defendant do say, he only tells them, I must have clearer evidences, the accounts better adjusted, and your demand in writing, before I can make any decision of this cause to both your satisfactions.  
There they stand then, and look one upon another, not daring to say otherwise, but 'tis very well Sir, we will make them all ready against the next meeting; and are, with grief at heart, forced to see as much and sometimes more expenses made at the meeting, as the whole concern of their debate amounted to. Then it is, come let's now discourse of matters of state, and drink a glass about to the health of the King and the prosperity of our Country and all the inhabitants; which is done only to the purpose, that coming to his Mistress, he may boastingly say, my dear, just now at a meeting we remembered you in a glass, & I'll swear the least drop of it was so delicious to me, as ever Nectar and Ambroso could be, that the Poets so highly commend.  
If Counsellors, and other learned men, that are in love, do thus; what can the unlearned Notary's do less? Even nothing else, but when they are writing, scribble up a multiplicity of several words un necessary clauses, and make long periods; not so much as touching or mentioning the principal business; and if he does, writes it clear contrary to the intent of the party concerned: By that means making both Wills and other Deeds in such a manner, that the end agrees not with the beginning, nor the middle with either. Which occasions between friends, near relations, and neighbours, great differences, and an implacable hatred; forcing thereby the moneys of innocent and self-necessitated people, into the Pockets of Counsellors and Attorneys.  
And alas the diligent Merchant, when he has gotten the least smatch of this frenzy, his head runs so much upon wheels, that he daily neglects his Change-time; forgets his Bills of exchange; and is always a Post or two behind hand with his Letters: So that he knows not what Merchandises rise or fall, or what commodities are arrived or expected. And by this means buys in Wares, at such rates, that in few days he loses 20. yea sometimes 30 per cent. by them. Nay, this distemper is so hot in his head, that thereby he Ships his goods in a Vessel, where the Master and his Mate are for the most part drunk, and who hardly thrice in ten times make a good voyage.  
And who knows not how miserable that City and Country is, when a military person happens to lie sick in this Hospital. If he be in Garrison, he doth nothing but trick up himself, walk along the streets, flatter his Mistress, and vaunt of his knowledge and Warlike deeds; though he scarce understands the exercising of his Arms, I will not mention encamping in a Field, Fortification, the forming of Batalions, and a great deal more that belongs to him.  
And coming into Campagne; alas this wicked Love-ague continues with him; and runs so through his blood, that both the open air, and wide fields are too narrow for him. Yea and though he formerly had (especially by his Mistress) the name of behaving himself like a second Mars; yet now he'll play the sick-hearted, (I dare not say the faint-hearted) to the end he may, having put on his fine knotted Scarf, and powdered Periwig, only go to show himself to that adorable Babe, his Lady Venus, Leaving oftentimes a desperate siege, and important State affairs, to accompany a lame, squint-eyed, and crook-backed Jeronimo.  
And if, by favour or recommandation, he happen to be entrusted with any strong City or Fort that is besieged, he's presently in fear of his own Bom, and practices all sorts of ways and means how he shall best make a capitulation, that so leaving the place, he may go again to his fair one.  
And alas, what doth not the Master of a Ship, and his Mate hazard, when they are sick of this malady? What terrible colds, and roaring seas doth he not undergo, through an intemperate desire that he hath to be with his nittebritched Peggy? How often doth he hazard his Owners Ship, the Merchant's Goods, and his own life, for an inconstant draggle-tail; that perhaps before he has been three days at Sea, hath drawn her affection from him, and given promise to another? Yet nevertheless, though the raging Waves run upon the Ship, and fly over his head, he withstands it all. Nor is the main Ocean, or blustering Boreas, powerful enough, to cool his raging fire, and drive those damps out of his brain. The tempestuousness of the weather, having driven him far out of his course; his only wishes and prayer is, oh, that he might be so happy, but for a moment to see his Beacon, those twinkling eyes of his dearly beloved Margery Mussel! Then all things would be well enough! Tho he and all that are with him, were immediately Shipwrackt, and made a prey for the Fishes. And if, unexpectedly, fortune so favour him, that he happens to see the Coast, oh, he cannot tarry for the Pilot! but though it be misty weather, and he hoodwinked by Venus, still he sails forward, running all in danger, that before was so far preserved.  
And if the Shopkeeper once sets foot into this destructive Wilderness, he doth nothing less than look to his shop, and wait upon his Customers. Spending most part of his time in finical dressing himself, to accompany his Mistress, and with a Coach or Pair of Oars to do her all manner of caresses. Then his whole discourse is, with what good custom he is blest above others; but seldom says, that with waiting upon his Lady, and by endeavouring to please her above all things, how miserably he neglects it, by which means, shop's not only found without a Master, but the servants without government. And at New-year, the day-book is not written fair over; and if any body desires their reckoning, the squire is so full of business, that he can't spare half an hour to write it out: For where he goes, where he stands, what he thinks, what he does, all his cogitations are employed to think how delicious it is to press those soft lips of his beloved, and then out of an unfeigned heart to be loved again, sometimes receiving a kiss. Thus he idles away all his time, and all his business with his senses runs a wool-gatheving.  
To be short, let it be what sort of person it will, they no sooner touch the shell of this Marriage-nut, but before they can come to taste the kernel they look for; they feel nothing else then thorns and briers of sorrow and misery. If there be any one that thinks he is gotten a footstep further than another, in the favour of his Mistress, and that in time he questions not th'obtaining his desired happiness; immediately, that imagined joy, is crushed with an ensuing despair; being presently molested with a fear, that Father, Mother, Uncle, or Tutor will not like his person, or that he has not means enough; or else either they, or the Gentlewoman, will make choice of another in his place. Or, if he sees another have access to the Lady as well as himself, at the same moment he's possessed with jealousy, and falls a pondering how he shall make this Rival odious in the eyes of her. And if the other get any advantage of him; then he challenges him to fight; hazarding in that manner his precious life, for the getting of her, who when he had her, would perhaps, occasion him a thousand torments of death and misery. Pray observe what pleasures this introduction imparts unto us; alas, what may we then expect from the marriage itself?  
Really, those that will take this into due consideration, who would not but curse the Gentlewoman that draws him into such a raging madness? yet Lovers go forward, and please yourselves with this imagined happiness; but know, that if according to your hope, you obtain her for a Bride, that at the least you must expect a sense and feeling of the Ten ensuing Pleasures.   

THE FIRST PLEASURE.  
The Consent is given, the Match concluded, and the Wedding kept.  
But, o triumphant Lover, let not however your joyful mind run too much upon these glistering things: be a little moderate in your desired pleasures, if it might happen that there come some cross-grained obstructions; for I have oftentimes seen, that all those suspected roses, come forth with many pricking thorns; insomuch that the mouth which at first was saluted with so many thousand kisses, and appeared as if it had been covered with the dew of heaven; was compared to be the jaws of Cerberus. And those breasts, which before were the curdled Nacter-hills, and called the Banquet of the Gods, I have seen despised to be like stinking Cows-Udders, I, and called worse names to boot. Be therefore, (I say) somewhat moderate and prudent, for fear it might happen that the prices of this market might fall very suddenly, though perhaps not so horribly.  
Nevertheless you have great reason to be merry, for this week, 'tis hoped there'l be a meeting to close up the match; and it is requisite, that you should go unto all the friends, that must be present at the meeting, to hear when their occasions will permit them, and what day and hour they will appoint to set upon the business, herewith you have work to traverse the City, and who knows whether you'll find half of them at home. And then those that you do find, one is ready to day, another to morrow, a third next day, or in the next week. So that by this first Pleasure, you have also a little feeling of the first trouble. Which, if you rightly consider, is to your advantage, because you may the better use yourself to the following. And of how greater State and Quality the person is whom you have chosen, so accordingly this trouble generally happens to be more.  
But the mirth increases abundantly; when, after your endeavours, troubles and turmoils, you finally see all the friends met together, and you doubt not but the match will be closed and agreed upon. But be here also a little moderate in your mirth, because oftentimes the friends handle this matter like a bargaining; and will lay the money bags of each side in a balance, as you may see by the Plate.  
In the mean while you may be kissing and slabbering of your Mistress in the next room; or contriving what's to be done about the marriage, and keeping of the Wedding; but perhaps. through the discord of the friends, it will not be long before you are disturbed; the differences oft rising so high, that the sound thereof, clatters through the Walls, into the ears of the Lovers. For many times the Portion of one is too great, and what's given with the other is too little; or that the Parents of the Bridegroom, promise too little with their Son; and the Bride's Parents will give too little with their Daughter. Or else that by some subtle Contract of Matrimony, they endeavour to make the goods of each side disinheritable, etc. So that it appears among the friends, as if there could be nothing done in the matter.  
And in plain truth, the Parents and friends, who know very well that it is not all honey in the married estate; see oftentimes that it were better for these two to remain unmarried, then to bring each other into misery; and can find no grounds or reasons, but rather to dissuade then persuade the young folks to a marriage.  
But tho, on each side, they use never such powerful arguments, to the young people, 'tis to no purpose; for there's fire in the flax, and go how it will, it must be quenched. For the maid thinks, if this match should be broke, who knows but that all the freedom that we have had with one another, might come to be spread abroad, and then I am ruined for ever. And the young man, seeing that his Mistress is so constant to him, not harkening to the advice of her friends, is so struck to the heart with such fiery flames of love, that he's resolved never to leave her, though he might feed upon bread and water, or go a begging with her: So, that he says, Bargain by the Contract of Matrimony for what you will, nay though you would write Hell and Damnation, I am contented, and resolve to sign it: but thinking by himself, with a Will all this may be broken, and new made again: hardly believing, that this fair weather, should be darkened with black clouds; or that this splendent Serenissimo, would be obstructed by Eclipses.  
But finally, there comes an appearance of the desired pleasure; for the knot is tied, and the Public Notary doth at large and very circumstantially write the Contract of Matrimony, which is signed by both parties. Oh Heavens! this is a burden from my heart, and a Millstone removed out of the way. Here's now right matter for more than ordinary mirth; all the friends wish the young couple much joy; about goes a health, the good success of the marriage, and every one wishing them tubs full of blessings, and houses full of prosperity,  
If every one that wish, did half but give,  
How richly this young couple, than might live.  
Yet it e'en helps as much as it will; if they get nothing, they lose nothing by it. And thinking by themselves, you'll in time see what it produces. Then if there be but one among them who is talkative, and that by drinking merrily the good success of the approaching marriage, his tongue begins to run; he relates what happened to him at the closing of his marriage, keeping of his wedding, and in his married estate; and commonly the conclusion of his discourse is, that he thought at first he had the World at will; but then there came this, and then that, and a thousand other vexatious things, which continually, or for the most part of the time with great grief and trouble had kept him so much backward, that it was long before he could get forward in the World.  
Well, Mr. Bridegroom, you may freely tickle your fancy to the top, and rejoice superabundantly, that the Match is concluded; & you have now gotten your legs into the stocks, and your arms into such desired for Fetters, that nothing, but death itself can unloosen them.  
And you, Mrs. Bride, who look so prettily, with such a smirking countenance; be you merry, you are the Bride; yea the Bride that occasions all this tripping and dancing; now you shall have a husband too, a Protector, who will hug and embrace you, and sometimes tumble and rumble you, and oftimes approach to you with a morning salutation, that will comfort the very cockles of your heart. He will (if all falls out well) be your comforter, your company-keeper, your care taker, your Gentleman-Usher; nay all what your heart wish for, or the Heavens grant unto you. He'll be your Doctor to cure your palefac'dness, your pains in the reins of your back, and at your heart, and all other distempers whatsoever. He will also wipe of all your tears with kisses; and you shall not dream of that thing in the night, but he'll let it be made for you by day. And may not then your Bridemaids ask, why should not you be merry?  
But alas you harmless Dove, that think you are going into Paradise; pray tell me, when you were going to sign the Contract of marriage, what was the reason that you altered so mightily, & that your hand shook so? Verily, though I am no Astronomer, or caster of Figures; yet nevertheless me-thought it was none of the best signs; and that one might already begin to make a strange Prognostication from it; the events whereof would be more certain than any thing that Lily or any other Almanac-maker ever writ. But we'll let that alone, for in a short time it will discover itself.  
Therefore, Mistress Bride, make you merry, and since you have gotten your desire to be the Bride before any of your Bridemaids; it would be unreasonable that you should be troubled now with any other business. And indeed here's work enough for the ordering of things that you must trouble your head with; for the Bride's Apparel must be made, and the Stufs, laces, lining, cuffs, and many other things are yet to be bought. Well, who can see an end of all your business! There's one piece of stuf is to light, and another to dark; the third looks dull and hath no gloss. And see here's three or four days gone, and little or nothing bought yet.  
And the worst of all is, that whilst you are thus busy in contriving, ordering and looking upon things, you are every moment hindered, & taken off from it, with a continual knocking at the door to solicit one to deliver all sorts of Confits, another to deliver the ornaments for the Bride's Garland, Flowers, etc. a third to be Cook, & Pastryman, & so many more, which come one after another thundering so at the door, that it is one bodies work to let them in, and carry their messaget to the Bride.  
Oh, call the Bride, time will deceive us! The Sempstress, Gorgetmaker, and Starcher, must be sent for, and the linen must be bought & ordered for the Bridegroom's shirts, the Bride's smocks, Cuffs, Bands, and handkerchifs; & do but see, the day is at an end again: my brains are almost addle, and nothing goes forward: For Mrs. Smug said she would bring linen, and Mrs. Smooth-laces, but neither of them both are yet come. Run now men and maids as if the Devil were in you; and comfort yourselves, that the Bride will reward you liberally for your pains.  
Well, Mrs. Bride, how's your head so out of order! might not you now do (as once a Schoolmaster did) hang out the sign of a troubled pate with a Crown upon it? How glad you'll be when this confusion is once over? could you ever have thought that there was so much work to be found in it? But comfort yourself therewith, that for these few troublesome days, you'll have many pleasant nights. And it is not your case alone, to be in all this trouble, for the Bridegroom is running up and down like a dog, in taking care that the Bains of Matrimony may be proclaimed. And now he's a running too and again through the City, to see if he can get Bridemen to his mind, that are capacitated to entertain the Bridemaids and Gentlewomen with pretty discourses, waiting upon them, & to make mirth & pleasure for them and the rest of the Company. Besides that he's taking care for the getting of some good Canary, Rhenish & French Wines, that those friends which come to wish the Bride and Bridegroom much joy, may be presented with a delicate glass of Wine. And principally, that those who are busy about the Bride's adornments, may taste the Bride's tears.  
But really friends, if you come to taste the Bride's tears now, 'tis a great while too soon: But if you'll have of the right and unfeigned ones, you must come some months hence.  
O Bridegroom, who can but pity you, that you must thus toil, moil, and run up and down, and the Jeweller and you have just now missed one another; he is doubtless chatting with the Bride, and showing of her some costly Jewels, which perhaps dislike her ne'er a whit the worse; and what she has then a mind to, you'll find work enough to dissuade her from, let them cast what they will; for she'll let you take care for that. And it is time enough to be considered on, when the weddings over. For now you have as much work as you can turn yourself to, in getting all your things in a readiness from the Tailor, Sempstress, and Haberdasher. And herewith, alas, you'll find that oftentimes two or three weeks are consumed in this sort of business, with the greatest slavery imaginable.  
Yet, Mr. Bridegroom, for all these troubles, you may expect this reward, to have the pleasure of the best place in the Chancel, with a golden Tapestry laid before you, and for your honour the Organs playing. The going with a Coach to marry at a Country Town, has not half so much grace, and will not at all please the Bride: it is therefore requisite to consult with the friends on both sides, who shall be invited to the wedding, and who not. For it seldom happens, but there is one broil or another about it; and that's no sooner done, but there arises a new quarrel, to consider, how richly or frugally the Guests shall be treated; for they would come off with credit and little charge. To this is required the advice of a steward, because it is their daily work. And he for favour of the Cook, Pasterer, and Poulterer (reaping oftentimes his own benefit by it) order all things so liberally as he can make the people believe that is requisite. And the Bride thinks, the nobler it is, the better I like it, for I am but once the Bride. But this matter being dispatched, there's another consideration to be taken in hand, to know how the Bride & Bridegrooms friends shall be placed at the Table, the ordering whereof, many times causes such great disputes, that if they had known it before, they would rather have kept no Wedding. In somuch that the Bridegroom and the Bride, with sighing, say to one another, alas, what a thick shell this marriage-nut hath, before one can come to the kernel of it. But Bridegroom to drive these damps out of your brain, there's no better remedy then to go along with your Bridemen to taste the Wedding wine; for there must be sure care taken that it may be of a delicate taste and relish; Because that which was laid in before, was not so delicious as is required for such a noble Wedding, where there will be so many curious tasters. Ha! riva! Look to 't Bride and Bridemaids, you may now expect a jolly Bridegroom and Bridemen, for the Wine-Merchant is such a noble blade, that none of them all shall escape him, before they have drunk as many Glasses, as there are hoops upon the Wine-cask that they tasted of.  
A dieu all care! the Wedding is at hand, who thinks now of any thing but super fluity of mirth? Away with all these whining, pining Carpers, who are constantly talking & prating that the married estate brings nothing but care and sorrow with it; here, to the contrary, they may see how all minds & intentions are knit together, to consume and pass away these days with the most superabounding pleasures. Away with sorrow. 'Tis not invited to be among the Wedding guests. Now there is nothing else to be thought on, but to help these Lovers that they may enjoy the kernel of the first pleasure of their marriage.  
But really, there's poor maly the maid, is almost dead with longing, and thinks her very heart in pieces, scarcely knowing when the first Wedding-night will be ended, that she might carry up some water to the young couple, and have a feeling of those liberal gifts that she shall receive from the Bridegroom and the Bride, for all her attendance, running and turmoiling. And her thoughts are, that no body has deserved it better, for by night and by day she waited upon them, and was very diligent and faithful in conveyance of their Love-Letters; but all upon fair promises, having carried herself in the time of their wooing almost like a Bawd to the Bride; for which she never had in all the time but three gratuities from the Bridegroom,  
And now the Bride is in the bed,  
The former promises are dead.  
Make yourself merry amongst the rest of the Wedding guests, so far as is becoming you: who knows, but that some brave Gentleman's man, Coachman, or neighbour's servant, may fall in love with you; for many times out of one Wedding comes another, and then you might come to be a woman of good fashion. Udsbud maly! then you would know, as well as your Mistress, what delights are to be had in the first Wedding night. Then you would also know how to discourse of the first Pleasure of marriage, and with the Bride expect the second.   

THE SECOND PLEASURE.  
The Woman goes to buy householdstuff. The unthankfulness of some of the Wedding-guests, and thankfulness of others.  
WEll, young married people, how glad you must needs be, now the Wedding's over, and all that noise is at an end? You may nowly and sleep till the day be far spent! And not only rest yourselves quietly; but, to your desires, in the Art of Love, show one another the exercise and handling of Venus' Weapons.  
O how merry they were all of'em! And how deliciously were all the dishes drested and garnished! What a credit this will be for the Cook and Steward! Indeed there was nothing upon the Table but it was Noble, and the Wine was commended by every one. They have all earen gallantly, & drunk deliciously. Well, this is now a pleasant remembrance.  
And you, O young Woman, you are now both Wife and Mistress yourself; you are now wrested out of the command of your grinning and snarling narrow-souled Tutors (those hellish Curmugions) now you may freely, without control, do all what you have a mind to; and receive therewith the friendly embrace, and kind salutes of your best beloved. Verily this must needs be a surpassing mirth.  
And you, O new made husband, how tumble you now in wantonness! how willingly doth liberal Venus herself, open her fairest Orchard for you! Oh you have a pleasure, that those which never tried, can in the least comprehend.  
Well, make good use of your time, and take the full scope of your desires, in the pleasant clasping and caressing of those tender limbs; for after some few days, it may be hungry care will come and open the Curtains of your bed; and at a distance show you what reckonings you are to expect from the Jeweller, Goldsmith, Silkman, Linen-draper, Vinter, Cook and others.  
But on the t'other side again, you shall have the pleasure to hear your young Wife every moment sweetly discoursing that she must go with her Sister and her Aunt to buy housholdstuf, Down beds, dainty Plush and quilted Coverlets, with costly Hangings must be bought: And then she will read to you, her now made Husband, such a stately Register, that both your joy of heart, and jingling purse shall have a fellouw-feeling of it▪  
For your Sweetest speaks of large Venetian Looking-glasses, China-ware, Plush Chairs, Turkish Tapestry, Golden Leather, rich Pictures, a Service of Plate, a Sakerdan Press, an Ebbony Table, a curious Cabinet and childbed Linen cupboard, several Webs for Napkins and Tabel-cloaths, fine and course linen, Flanders laces, and a thousand other things must be bought, too long to be hore related: For other things also that concern the furnishing of the house, they increase every day fresh in the brains of these loving and prudent Wives.  
And when the Wife walks out, she must either have the Maid, or at least the Sempstress, along with her; then neighbour John, that good careful labourer, must follow them softly with his wheel-barrow, that the things, which are bought, may be carefully and immediately brought home.  
And at all this, good Man, you must make no wry faces, but be pleasant and merry; for they are needful in house-keeping, you cannot be without them; and that money must always be certainly ready, get it where you will. Then, says the Wife, all this, at least, there must needs be, if we will have any people of fashion-come into our house.  
You know your Beloved hath also some Eggs to fry, and did bring you a good Portion, though it consist in immovable Goods, as in Houses, Orchards, and Lands that be oftentimes in another Shire. Thither you may go then, with your Honey, twice a year, for the refreshing of your spirits, and taking your pleasure to receive the House-rents, fruits of the Orchards, and revenues of the Lands. Here every one salutes you with the name of Landlord; and, according to their Country fashion, endeavour to receive you with all civilities and kind entertainment. If, with their Hay-cart, you have a mind to go and look upon the Land, and to be a participator of those sort of pleasures; or to eat some new Curds, Cream, Gammon of Bacon, and ripe Fruits, all these things; in place of money, shall be willingly and neatly disht up to you.  
For here you'll meet with complaints, that by the War the Houses are burnt, the Orchards destroyed, and the growth of the Fields spoiled! therefore it is not fit that you should trouble the poor people, but think, this is the use, custom, and fruits of War. If the Impositions and Taxes run high, the Country Farmer can't help that; you know that the War costs money, and it must be given, or else we should lose all.  
At such a time as this, your only mirth must be; that, through this gallant marriage, you are now Lord of so many acres of Land, so many Orchards, and of so many dainty Houses and Land. If your money bags done't much increase by it at present, but rather lessen, that must no ways cloud your mirth. Would you trouble yourself at such trivial things, you'd have work enough daily. We cannot have all things so to our minds in this World. For if you had your Wife's Portion down in ready money, you'd have been at a stand again, where, without danger, you should have put it out at interest; fearing that they might play Bankrupt with it. Houses and Lands are always fast, and they will pay well, when the War is done.  
Therefore you must drive these vapours out of your head, and make yourself merry, with the hearing that your friends commend the entertainment they have had to the highest; and that two or three days hence; the merry Bridemen and Bridemaids, with some of the nearest acquaintance, will come a la grandissimo to give you thanks for all the respect & civilities that you have so liberally bestowed upon them; which will be done then with such a friendly and affectionate heart, that it will be impossible for you, but you must invite them again to come and sup with you in the evening, and so make an addition to the former Pleasure; by which means pleasantness, mirth, and friendship, is planted and advanced among all the friends and acquaintance.  
'Tis true, you'll be sure to hear that there were some at the Wedding who were displeased, for not being entertained according to their expectations; and because their Uncle, a new married Niece; and some other friends were not seated in their right places; that Mrs. Leonora had a jolepate to wait upon her; and Mr. Philip an old Beldame; Mr. Timothy was forced to wait upon a young snotty-nose; and that Squire Neefer could not sit easily, and Mrs. Betty's Gorget was rumbled; and that Malipiero, and Peg Stones, and Dol Dirty-buttocks, were almost thronged in pieces; and could hardly yet any of the Sweetmeats; but you must not at all be troubled with this, for 'tis is a hard matter to please every body. 'Tis enough that you have been at such a vast charge, and presented them with your Feast.  
Truly, they ought to have been contented & thankful to the highest degree; and what they are unsatisfied with needed not to have cost you so much money; for if you had left them all at home, you could have had no worse reward, but a great deal less charge. Comfort yourself with this, that when it happens again, you will not buy ingratitude at so high a rate. 'Tis much better to invite them at two or three several times before hand, and entertain them with a merry glass of Wine, up and away; and then invite a small company which are better to govern and satisfied.  
'Tis a great deal more pleasure for you, to see your Wives friends animate one another, to come, a fortnight after the Wedding, and surprise you; with showing their thankfulness and satisfaction for the respect they have received from you; and that they are always desirous to cultivate the friendship, by now and then coming to give you a visit.  
This is here again a new joy! and as long as you keep open Table and Cellar for them, that reception will keep all discontent from growing among them. Yes, and it will please your Wife too, extraordinary well.  
And by thus doing, you will not be subject to (as many other men are) your Wives maundering that you entertained her friends so hungrily and unhandsomely; but, for this, you shall be both by her, and her friends, beloved and commended in the highest degree: Yea it will be an encouragement that they in the same manner, will entertain your friends like an Angel, and be always seeking to keep a fair correspondence among them. So that in the Summer time, for an afternoons collation you'll see a Fruit-dish of Grapes, Nuts, and Peaches prepared for you; which cold Fruits must then be warmed with a good glass of Wine. And in the Winter, to please your appetite, a dish of Pancakes, Fritters, or a barrel of Oysters; but none of these neither will be agreeable without a delicate glass of Wine. Oh quintessence of all mirth! Who could not but wish to get such Aunts, such Cousins, such Bridemen and Bridemaids in their marriage?  
Therefore, if you meet with one or tother of your Cousins, press him to go home with you, to refresh himself with a glass of Wine; O it will be extremely pleasing to your Wife, and a double respect paid to him; because you bring him to a collation among other Cousins, and pretty Gentlewomen, where the knot of friendship and familiarity is renewed and faster twisted. And who knows, if you bring in a Bachelor, but there may perhaps arise a new marriage, which would be extraordinarily pleasing to your Wife; for there is nothing more agreeable to the female sex, then that they may be instrumental in helping their Bridemaids to husbands. And thus you will see a double increase of your Minions, and your Wife get more friends to accompany her, and drive fancies out of her head.  
If your Wife should fail in her choice of householdstuff, and other sort of those appurtenances; doubt not but these will be prudent School-Mistresses for her, if she be unexperienced, to counsel and advise her to buy of the richest and newest mode, and what will be neatest, and where to be bought. Oh these are so skilful in the art of ordering things, that you need not difpute with your Wife about the hanging of a Picture above the Chinmey-mantel! for they'll presently say, there's nothing better in that place then large China dishes; and that Bedstead must be taken down, and another set up in the place with curious Curtains and Vallians, and Daslles: And thus, they will deliver themselves, like a Court full of wise Counsellors, for the pleasure and instruction of your Beloved. Well, what could you wish for more? D'ye talk of money? Pish, that's stamped with hammers: give it liberally; the good Woman knows how and where to lay it out. If there be but little money by the hand; be silent of that, it might happen to disturb your Dear, and who knows wherein it may do her harm. It is not the fashion that Women, especially young married ones, should take care for that. 'Tis care enough for her, if she contrive and consider what must be bought, and what things will be most suitable together. For this care is so great, that she never wakens in the night, but she thinks on't; yea it costs her many an hours rest; therefore ought not to be so lightly esteemed.  
And now, O young husband, since you are come to the first step of the School to exercise your patience; it is not fit that you should already begin to grumble and talk how needful it is to be sparing and thrifty; that Merchandising and trading is mighty dead; that moneys is not to be got in; and that here and there reckonings and bills must be paid: O no! you must be silent, though you should burst with discontent. For herewith, perhaps, the whole house would be out of order; and you might get for an answer, How! have I married then a pitiful poor Bridegroom? This would be sad to hear.  
Go therefore to School by Pythagoras to learn silence; and to look upon all things in the beginning with patience; to let your Wife do her own pleasure; and to mix honey with your words. Then you shall possess the quintessence of this Pleasure fully, and with joyfull-steps enter upon the following.   

THE THIRD PLEASURE.  
The young couple walk daily abroad, being entertained and treated by all their friends and acquaintance; and then travel into the Country for their pleasure.  
Do but see what a mighty and surpassing mirth! for they hardly can go ten or twelve furlongs but they constantly meet and are saluted by some of their acquaintance, wishing them all health, happiness and prosperity; or by others invited to come in, and are treated according as occasion presents, wishing them also much joy in their married estate; Yea the great Bowl is rinsed, and about goes a brimmer to the good prosperity of the young couple. Well, thinks the young woman, what a vast difference there is between being a married woman & a maid! How every one receives & treats you! What respect and honour every one shows you! How you go daily in all your gallantry taking pleasure! And how every where you are fawned upon, embraced and kissed, receiving all manner of friendship! It is no wonder that all womankind are so desirous of marriage, and no sooner lose their first husbands, but they think immediately how to get a second? Oh, saith she, what a fullness of joy there is in the married estate, by Virginity! I resolve therefore to think also upon my Bridemaids, and to recommend them where ever there is occasion.  
And this is the least yet, do but see! what for greater pleasure! for every foot you are invited out here & there to a new treat, that is ofttimes as noble and as gallant as! the Wedding was, and are placed always at the upper end of the Table. If next day you be but a little drowsy, or that the head aches; the husband knows a present remedy to settle the brain; and the first thing he saith, is, Come le's go to see Master or Mistress such a one, and walk out of Town to refresh ourselves, or else go and take the air upon the Thames with a Pair of Oars. Here is such a fresh mirth again that all Lambeth, the Bankside, and Southwark shakes with it. Oh that Apollo would but drive his horses slowly, that the day might be three hours longer; for it is too soon to depart, and that for fear of a pocky setting of the Watch. So that its every day Fair-time. Well, who is so blind that he cannot see the abundant pleasures of marriage?  
To this again, no sooner has the young couple been some few days at rest, and begin to see that the invitements decline; but the young woman talks of going out of Town together, and to take their pleasures in other Towns and Cities, first in the next adjacent places, and then to others that lie remoter; for, because she never was there, and having heard them commended to be such curious and neat places, she hath a great mind to see Oxford and Cambridge.  
Yea, and then she saith, my dear, we must go also to see York, Gloucester and Bristol, and take our pleasures those ways; for I have heard my Father's Book-keeper often say, that it is very pleasant travelling thither, and all things very cheap. And when he began to relate any thing of Kent, and its multiplicity of fruit, my very heart leapt up for joy; thinking to myself, as soon as I am married, I will immediately be pressing my husband that we may go thither; because it seemed to me almost incredible. And then again he would sometimes relate of Herefordshire what delicious Cider and Perry is made there, which I am a great lover of; truly Honey, we must needs go that way once, that I may say I have satiated myself with it, at the Fountainhead. Ah, my dearest, let us go thither next week.  
It is most certain that the Goodman hath no mind at all to be thus much longer out of his house, & from his vocation; by reason he is already so much behind hand with his loss of time in Wooing, Wedding, Feasting and taking pleasure; but alas, let him say what he will, he cannot dissuade her from it.  
You may as soon retort the wind,  
As make a woman change her mind.  
In the night she dreams on't, and by day she talks on't, and always concludes this to be her certain rule. The first year won't come again. If we don't take some pleasure now, when shall we do it! Oh, my Dear, a year hence we may have a child, than its impossible for me to go any where, but I shall be tied like a Dog to a chain: And truly, why should not we do it as well as they & they did; for they were out a month or two, and took their pleasures to the purpose? my Mother, or my Cousin will look to our house; come let us go also out of Town! For the first year will not come again.  
Well, what shall the good man do? if he will have quietness with his wife, he must let her have her will, or else she will be daily tormenting of him. And to give her harsh language, he can't do that, for he loves her too well. His father also taught him this saying, for a marriage lesson, Have a care of making the first difference. If he speak unkindly to her, his Love might be angry, and then that would occasion the first difference, which he by no means willingly would be guilty of; for then these Pleasures would not have their full swing.  
Well, away they go now out of Town: But, uds lid, what a weighty trunk they send the Porter with to the Carriers! For they take all their best apparel with them, that their friends in the Country, may see all their bravery. And besides all this, there must be a riding Gown, and some other new accoutrements made for the journey, or else it would have no grace.  
Now then, away they go, every one wishing them all health and prosperity upon their journey, & so do I  
But see! they are hardly ridden ten mile out of Town, before the young woman begins to be so ill with the horses jolting, that she thinks the World turns topsy-turvy with her. Oh she's so ill, that she fears she shall vomit her very heart up: Then down lights her husband, to take her of, and hold her head, and is in such a peck of troubles, that he knows not which way to turn or wind himself. Wishing that he might give all that he's worth in the World to be at a good Inn, And she poor creature falling into a swoon, makes him look as if he had bepissed himself, & though he sighs and laments excessively she hears him not; which occasions him such an extremity of grief that he's ready to tear the hair off of his head. But the quamishness of her stomach beginning to decline, she recovers; and rising, they walk for a little space softly forwards; the good man thinking with himself how he shall do to get his dearly beloved to an Inn, that she may there rest her distempered body. And then getting her up again, they ride very softly forwards, to get to the end of their journey.  
Truly, I must confess, that amongst the rest of the Pleasures of marriage, this is but a very sorry one. But stay a little, yonder me thinks I see the Steeple, we shall be there presently; the little trouble and grief you have had, will make the salutations you receive, and the situation of the place seem so much the pleasanter. And these dainty green Meadows will be a delicate refreshment. You'll find your stomach not only sharpened, but also curiously cleansed of all sorts of filthy and slimy humours. And you light not sooner from your horse then your appetite is ready to entertain what ever comes before you: The good Man in the mean while is contriving at whose house he shall first what his knife, and where he thinks his poor wearied wife will receive the best entertainment and caresses, to drive out of her imaginations the troubles and wearisomeness of her journey; which will the easier be dispensed with, when she walks out to see the rarities of the place, and to visit your Cousins and relations. And so much the more, because every one will be wishing the new married couple much joy, receiving them kindly, and doing them all manner of pleasures and civilities: which I assure you is no small matter of mirth.  
But every thing must have an end. It is therefore now very meet to speak of removing to some other City. But let the husband say what he will of travelling by horseback, she is struck on that ear with an incurable deafness.  
They must have a Coach to themselves, and the great Trunk must go along with them, or else the whole journey would have no grace. Neither would it be respect enough for them in the presence of so many good friends and acquaintance, unless the Coach come to take them up at the door. And it must be done to. Here now one is returning thanks for th'entertainment, and the other for their kind visit, and withal wish the young couple that all content, pleasure, and delight may further attend them upon their journey, etc. Then it is Drive on Coachman, and away fly the poor jades through the streets, striking fire out of the liveless stones, as if Pluto just at the same time were upon the flight with his Proserpina through the City.  
But, O new married couple, what price do you little think this mirth will stand you at? What man is there in the World, that hath ever an eye in his head, but must needs see, that if he tarry out long, this must be the ready way to Brokers-Hall. Yet nevertheless I confess you must do it, if you intent to have any peace or quietness with your new wife.  
These are the first fruits and pleasures of marriage, therefore you must not so much as consider, nay hardly think, of being so long from home, though in the mean while all things there is going also the ready way to destruction; for it is the fashion, at such times, that maid, man, and all that are in your service, to act their own parts; and so merry they are that they possess their own freedom, and keep open Table, that the whole neighbourhood hears their laughter. Ask the neighbours when you come home, and you will quickly hear, that by them was no thought of care or sorrow; but that they have played, ranted and domineered so that the whole neighbourhood rung with it; and how they have played their parts either with some dried Baker, pricklouse Tailor, or smoky Smith, they themselves know best.  
Down goes the spit to the fire; the pudding pan prepared; and if there be either Wine, Beer or any thing else wanting; though the Cellar be locked; yet, by one means or another, they find out such pretty devices to juggle the Wine out of the Cask, nay and Sugar to boot too; that their inventions surpass all the stratagems that are quoted by the Author of the English Rogue; of which I could insert a vast number, but fear that it would occasion an ill example to the unlearned in that study. Howsoever they that have kept house long, and had both men & maidservants, have undoubtedly found both the truth and experience hereof sufficiently. And how many maids, in this manner, have been eased of that heavy burther of their maidenheads, is well known to the whole World.  
These are also some of the first fruits and delights of marriage; but if they were of the greatest sort, they might be esteemed and approved of to be curable, or a remedy found for prevention. Yet let them be of what state and condition they will, every one feels the damage and inconvenience thereof, ten times more than it is outwardly visible unto him, or can comprehend. For if you saw it you would by one or other means shun or prevent it. But now, let it be who it will, whether Counsellor, Doctor, Merchant; or Shopkeeper, the one neglects his Client's Suit, the other his Patients, the third his Negotiation & Trade, and the fourth his Customers; none of them all ofttimes knowing from whence it arises that their first years gain is so inconsiderable. For above the continual running on of house-rent, the neglect and unnecessary expensive charge of servants; you consume yourself also much money in travelling and pleasure; besides the peril and uneasiness that you suffer to please and complaite your new married Mistress. O miserable pleasure!  
But you will be sure to find the greatest calamity of this delight, as soon as you return home again; if you only observe the motions of your wife, for whose pleasure and felicity you have been so long from home. Alas she is so wearied and tired with tumbling and travelling up & down, that she complains as if her back were broke, and it is impossible for her to rise before it is about dinner time; nay and then neither hardly unless she hear that there is something prepared suitable to her appetite. If any thing either at noon or night is to be prepared and made ready, the husband must take care and give order for the doing of it; the good woman being yet so weary, that she cannot settle herself to it; yea it is too much for her to walk about her chamber, her very joints being as it were dislocated with the troublesomeness of the journey.  
In the mean while the servants they lie simpering, giggling, and laughing at one another, doing just what they list, and wishing that their Mistress might be always in that temper, than they were sure to have the more freedom to themselves: the which, though done by stealth, they make as bad as may be: and yet hardly any man, though he had the eyes of Argolus can atrrap them; for if by chance you should perceive any thing, they will find one excuse or another to delude you, and look as demure as a dog in a halter, whereby the good man is easily pacified and satisfied for that time.  
And these things are more predominant, when there is a cunning slut of a Maid, that knows but how to serve and flatter her Mistress well, getting her by that means upon her side: in such cases you'll generally see two malds where one might serve, or else a Chair-woman; the one to do all the course work, the other to run of errands and lend a helping hand (if she hath a mind to it) that all things may the sooner be set in order; & she then with her Mistress may go a gadding.  
And because Peggy & her Mistress, do in this manner, as it were, like a Jack in a box, jump into each others humour, the good woman may take her rest the better; for she hath caretakers enough about the house. And if the husband, coming from the Change or other important affair, seems to be any ways discontented, that all things lies straggling about the house, & are not set in order, presently crafty Peggy finds a fit expedient for it with complaining that her Mistress hath had such an insufferable pain in her head and in her belly, that it was beyond imagination; & also she could get no ease for her, unless she had prepared her some buttered Ale, and a little mulled Sack; and this is the reason why all things were not so ready as they ought to have been.  
Herewith the good man's mouth is stopped. If he begins afterwards to speak with his wife concerning th'unnecessary Chair-women; his answer is, prithee Sweetheart, don't you trouble yourself with those things, leave that to me, J'l manage that to the best advantage; men have no understanding about house-keeping, & it is most proper for a woman to have the governance of her Maids. And also Sweetheart, if there be now and then occasion for a sempstress or a Chairwoman, they are things of so small importance, that they are not worth the speaking of.  
Now, if he will have peace and quietness at home, this reply must give him full satisfaction; and though he be never so patient, viewing all things at a distance; yet the maids behind his back, that their Mistress may more than overhear it, dare call him, a Tom Peep in the pot, or Goodman busybody. And before dinner is fully done, he must hear Peg ask her Mistress; Mistress, want you please forsooth, to go by and by and give Mistress Moody a visit, or discourse a little with Madam Elinor? As long as you have nothing to do, what need you tie yourself to any thing? Pray tell her that story that the North Country Gentleman related, which you laughed at yesterday so heartily. Madam Elinor will admire at it. And I'm sure she hath something that she will relate unto you. Herewith the good Mistress begins to get a drift, and away she goes with Peg out of doors. Let it go then as it will with the house keeping.  
This is also no small pleasure, when the Mistress and the Maid always agree so lovingly together! then the husband need not go any more out of Town to please his wife's fancy; for she can now find pleasure enough by her old acquaintance sweet Mistress Moody, and courteous Madam Elinor.  
Do but see now, O Lovers, what multiplicity of roses, and thistles there are in the very Porch of the Wilderness of Marriage; you may think then what the middle and end must be.   

THE FOURTH PLEASURE.  
The Wife goes a prattling by her Neighbours; complaining of her barrenness, and takes Physic sor it.  
VErily it is a great pleasure for the new married couple, that they have been up and down taking their pleasure, and have been feasted by all their acquaintance.  
Verily, this is that happy hour of pleasure that the new married man hath been long seeking for; to the end he might once be freed from all such idle expenses, and be again carefully looking after his affairs and vocation. Now he begins to hope that all things will come into a handsome posture; also not doubting, but that his wife will, having had her full swing and hearts content of treats and all other sorts of pleasures, begin like a Housewife, to order herself to take some care for the concerns of the Family, which indeed ofttimes falls out so, to the great joy, profit, and tranquillity of the good man.  
But can it be possible that this sweet pleasure should be so disht up, without some bitter sauce of discontent? O kind Husband, if you will believe that, than you may well think the whole state and term of your marriage to be a Paradise upon earth; and that you have already got footing in the highway to all fullness of pleasures and contentments: Yet tarry a few days, and then experience will give you a better understanding of further pleasures.  
For the new Wife is no sooner come to be at quiet; but she begins to complain, that she can hardly addict herself to this new way of life; that it appears very strange and oddly to her to converse with a new Maid, by reason she must be telling her this thing, and commanding her the tother; and have a regard of all what she does, which are things that she before never used to trouble herself with; and that it is such a trouble to her to be out of her Parent's house, in a strange dwelling place: Nay, this ofttimes surges so high, that the good man hath his hands full of work to comfort her, and to talk these foolish fancies out of her noddle; and verily, unless he can bridle her frivolous humour with some pleasant discourses, and dry up her tears with no small number of kisses; oh then he'll be sadly put to't. And if this all falls out well, before six weeks are at an end, there'l appear another dark cloud again, to eclipse this splendent Sunshine.  
For behold, within a very small time the good woman begins to scrape acquaintance, and get some familiarity with her neighbours, which increaseth from day to day more and more; nay oftentimes it comes to that height, she's better to be found among her neighbours, then at home in her own family. Here she sees Mistress Wanton playing with her child that is a very pretty Babe. There she sees Mistress Breedwell making ready her Childbed linens and getting of her Clouts together. Yonder Mistress Maudlin complains that she doth not prove with child; & then Mistress Young-at-it brags how nearly she could reckon from the very bedside. Oh than she thinks I have been married this three months, and know nothing at all of these things; it is with me still as if I were yet a maid: What certainly should be the reason thereof?  
This is the first occasion that begets a great disturbance in the brainpan and imagination; and woe be to the good man, if he doth not understand his Py-work well! Then to the end she may hear. The better how things goes; she inquires very earnestly amongst her acquaintance what caresses they receive from their husbands; and most shamlesly relates what hath passed between her and her husband, 'twixt the curtains, or under the Rose; which she doth to that purpose, that she may hear whether her husband understands his work well, and whether he doth it well, and oft enough; and also whether he be fully fit for the employ, etc. for the verification whereof the Council of woe men bring so many complete relations, that it is a shame to think, much more to speak of them.  
Whosoever she speaks with every one pities her, and gives her their advice: And the best sort will at the least say to her, I would oftentimes treat my husband with such sort of spicesas were good for myself, viz. Oysters, Eggs, Coxcombs, sweet breads, Lamstones, Caveer, etc. and counsel him every morning to go to the Coffe-house and drink some Chocolate; & above all things advise him to desist from Tobacco and drying things, or any other things that are too cooling for the kidneys. than I would many times myself by dallying with him, and some other pretty Wanton postures, try to provoke him to it; whereby he should surely know that it was neither your coolness, nor want of desire that might be blamed in it; but rather always confess, that you had sufficiently done your endeavour.  
Who will doubt but that she puts this advice, in operation? O happy man, who art now every foot treated with some new sorts of kickshaws at your Table; and have free leave to frequent the Coffy-house, which other women grumble and mumble at. And besides all this, you find that your dearest embraceth you as if you were an Angel, and shows you a thousand other friendly entertainments that are beyond imagination to express: it is always in the evening, my Dear come to bed: and in the morning, pray Love lie a little longer. These are most certainly very great pleasures.  
But if the Woman marks that this helps not, and that all things remain in the old posture, than she begins to mump and maunder at her husband; vaunting much of her own fitness, and not a little suspecting her husbands; oftentimes calling him a Fumbler, a dry-boots, and a good man Dolittle, etc.  
This makes him look as if he had beshit himself. And though he never so much endeavours to vindicate himself; and also to persuade her from the reasons and examples given by several learned Doctors; Culpepper; the Queen's Midwife; and some others of his friends and acquaintance that he demonstrates unto her; it is all but wind. She still complains, I must have a Child, or else I shall run distracted.  
And this manner of frantickness hath so vehemently struck into her brains, that the very house seems to burn over her head: Insomuch that she's no sooner risen from her bed or from the Table, but immedialy she goeth a gadding amongst the neighbours; and takes other people's children in her arms, kissing and slabbring of them so unmeasurably, as if she would almost devour them with love; nay she useth-more simple and childish actions with them, than ever own mothers have done. By which means the children have many times as great an affection for their neighbour, as they have for their own Father and Mother.  
This gadding out of doors doth undoubtedly a little trouble her husband: Bat when he begins to consider, that his wife by this means knows how to handle, and make much of children; and then again, that she thus beforehand learns it for nothing; it must of necessity be no less than a great pleasure for him. And so much the more, whilst she is prattling with her neighbour, and playing with her child; he is freed from the nurse of hearing her sighs and complaints to have a child. For she's no sooner within the doors, but she talks of her neighbour's child, and wishes with the loss of all that she's world in the World that she had such a one too; which continues always so long, that finally she bursts out into the like former frenzy against her husband: see there I must have a child also, or else I shall run distracted.  
But what remedy? which way he turns or winds himself, he finds no means or way how to pacify his wife. And therefore thinks it best himself to take th'advice of Doctor, and most especially with that French Doctor, who is so renowned for his skill of making many men and women that before were barren and unfruitful to conceive children: Insomuch that they do now every year precisely bear a young son, or a daughter, yea sometimes two at a time: It is thereby also very necessary that the good woman herself consult with some experienced Midwives, and old Doctresses; to the end, that those distempers which are the occasion of barrenness, might be the better removed and taken away.  
To this end there are almost as many Boxes and Galley-pots brought together, as would near upon furnish an Apothecary's shop: Then to work they go with smearing, anointing, chafing, infusing, wherewith (as they term it) the good woman is to be made fresh and fit; but they make the bed and whole house so full of stink and vapours, that it may be said they rather stop the good and wholesome pores and other parts of the body; then to open those that were stopped and caused Distempers.  
But in the conclusion we find it to be both fruitless and miserable, where the good woman goes to seek it by th' Apothecary; even as her husband doth out of the Oyster and Eg-shels.  
And if this will not do now; where shall the poor man hide his head next? What shall he do more to please and pacify her? He thinks upon all the ways and means possible to entertain her to content. If she will have costly things, he will buy them for her; and and dissimulately saith that all what she practiseth for her content, is his only pleasure and delight: yea, although her pride and ambition many times in several things flies too high, and ofttimes also doth not happen to be very suitable with the constitution of the cash; he dares in no wise contradict her, for he fears that she will presently be at variance with him again: And thinks in the interim, whilst her mind hangs upon these things, she forgets her maunding and mumbling for a child. Still hoping that there will come one happy night, that may crown his earnest desires with fructivity; this it is that makes him that he dares not anger her or give her a sour countenance; fearing that if she might have conceived, that would be the means of turning the tide.  
To be short, it is his only and greatest delight to see that his wife is well satisfied and receiveth her content and pleasure; which is very hard to be practised, so long as she is not with child.  
But o what a joy there will be if he may be but once so happy as to hit that mark! How will the first day of her reckoning to lie in stand in his Almanac, as if it were printed with a red Letter! Well young people, be contented; Long looked for comes at last to the satisfaction of the Master.   

THE FIFTH PLEASURE.  
The young Woman proves with Child, and longs.  
THe old Proverb tells us, that after the sour comes the sweet; and I find, jolly couple, that it is so with you also; for I hear finally that your wife is big with child: Well what a Pleasure is that! Certainly, now you see that all your Doctoring and medicining hath been to some purpose, and now you feel also that all herbs were made for some good effects.  
How happy a thing it is that you have made use of a learned Doctor, and an experienced Midwife. Now is the only time to be very careful, for fear the least accident might turn the side with the young woman, and so she get a mischance, or some other sad mishap; and a mischance is worse for her then a true Childbearing; for that weakens nature abundantly, and oftentimes brings with it several sad consequences, & Thus the women talk.  
But you, o noble Champion, who have behaved yourself so gallantly; continue now to reap the further conquests of your honour. Look not at any small matters; and most especially if you hope or desire to gain the principal prize of your pleasure. For be assured, that you must suffer much, and see through a perspective glass all things at a distance; because you never before saw your wife in so gallant a state and condition as she now is in; and therefore you must cherish and preserve her much more than formerly you have done. If you hear her often grunt and groan, mumble and chide, either with the men or maidservants; nay, though it were with your own self, you must pass it by, not concerming yourself at it; and imagine that you do it for the respect you bear your wife, but not by constraint; for it is common with bigbellied women to do so.  
But most especially rejoice in yourself, if this grunting and groaning happen only by day time; because than you may sometimes avoid it, or divertise yourself with other company. Yet by night generally shall the good woman be worst of all? therefore be sure to provide yourself well with pure Aniseed, Clove, Cniamon-waters, and good sack, that you may therewith be ready to strengthen and assist her. For it will often happen that when you are in your best and first Sleep, that your dearest will waken you and complain of pain at her heart, of dizziness and great faintness; then all what is in the house must be stirring, and you yourself also, though it be never so cold, out to the bed you must with all the speed possible. Comfort yourself herewith, that this was one of the pleasures which you got with your wife, though it was not set down in the Contract of marriage.  
Now for this again you always receive the honour, that when you are invited with her to any place at a treat, the best that is upon the Table shall be presented to the bigbellied woman: Yea if she long or have a desire to any thing; immediately every one that observes it; are ready to serve her with it; nay, though there were never so little in the Dish, her longing must be fully satisfied, if no body else should so much as taste of it. And by this means oftentimes the good woman is so ill and disturbed, that she is forced to rise from the Table, and falls from one faintness into another; which for civilities sake, is then baptised, that she hath sat too high or been thronged, or that the room being so full, the breath of the people offended her.  
And though she perceives that this every foot makes her so ill; yet for the most part she will be so choice and so dainty, that she seldom knows herself what she will eat or hath a mind to; but generally it tends to some thing or other that is delicate: Upon this manner again, according to the former custom, she tumbles it in till she is sick with it; and if any one looks but very wishly at her; immediately another says to them; she must eat for two, nay perhaps for three.  
And not only that in this manner she grows so delicate and gluttonous; but is thereby so easy and lazy, that she can hardly longer endure her sowing cushion upon her lap. Also sitting is not good for her, for fear the child thereby might receive some hindrance and an heartfufullness. Therefore she must often walk abroad; and to that end an occasion is found to go every day a partling and gossipping then to this and then to another place; in the mean while leaving her husband without a wife, and the family without a mistress.  
Then in conclusion this falls also burdensome to her, (as it is generally with all things that are too frequently used) than she will be for spurring you up to walk abroad with her, that she may get all sorts of fruits and other fopperies that the season of the year affords; and at the first baiting-place she's for some Cream with sugar, stewed prunes, and a bottle of sideror perry; and thus abroad to spend much, and at home neglect more.  
If she have then gone something far, she is so excessive weary with it, that if her life must lie at stake, she cannot set one foot further. Herewith is the poor man absolutely put to a stand: ride she may not, or all the fat would be in the fire; and they are so deep in the Country that there is sometimes neither Coach nor boat to be had.  
And if you should happen to be where a River is, there's never a boat to be had; but if there should be one, than you must be subject to humour the churlish Ferry man, who seeing the necessity of the occasion, and that you are able to pay for it, will have what price he pleases. And sometimes again you are timorous yourself to hazard it, because many women are very fearful upon the water.  
But indeed, if by this an happy occasion, a good expedient may be found to please your dearly beloved, it is no small joy. Well then make yourself jocund herewith, to the end that other troubles may not so much molest and disturb you.  
You may also be very well assured, that your wife no sooner comes to be a little bigbellied, but she receives the privilege to have all what she hath a mind to & that is called Longing: And what husband can be so stern or barbarous that he will deny his wife at such a time what she longs for? especially if it be a true love of a woman, you must never hinder her of her longing; for then certainly the child would have some hindrance by it.  
For as much then as is necessary that you always seek to avoid and prevent this, you must observe, that all women when they are with child, do fall commonly from one longing to another: And then the providing and buying of that for them, must be as great a pleasure to you as it is to them in the receiving and use of it; and that not alone for theirs, but your child's sake also. And truly he that will or cannot suit himself to this humour, will be very unhappy, because he shall not then receive the full scope and freedom of this pleasure.  
It is also most certain that these longing desires doth transport their imaginations from one finical thing to another: If it be in the summer, than they long for China Oranges, Sivil Lemons, the largest Asparagus, Strawberries with wine and sugar, Cherries of all sorts, and in like manner of Plums, and these they must have their fill of: And then when they have gotten through the continuance their full satisfaction thereof; then be assured they begin to long for some great Peaches and Apricocks; and though they be never so scarce and dear, yet the woman must not lose her longing, for the child might get a blemish by it.  
If then Apples and Pears begin to grow ripe, you have the same tune to sing again; for she is possessed with a new longing desire as bad, as if it were a Quotidian Ague in all the joints of her body; and whatsoever comes new to her sight, creates in her a fresh longing. If she gets one hour curious Catherine Pears, Pippins, or Russetings, the next she hath a mind to filberts; and then an hour or two later Walnuts and Grapes fall into her thoughts; do what you will there's no help for it, her longing must be satisfied, let it go as it will, or cost what it will.  
And this her longing leads her from one thing to another, of all what the richness of the summer, or liberality of the harvest, out of their superstuities pour down upon us. Insomach that the good man wishes a thousand times over that he might once be rid of these terrible charges and greatexpence.  
But alas what helps it? there's no season of the year but gives us some or other new fruits that the women have always a new longing desire to. And if it be in the Winter, than they long for juicy Pomegranates, new Wine upon the must, with Chestnuts; then for Colchester Oysters; then again for Pancakes and Fritters; and indeed for a thousand several sorts of such toys and fancies as do but appear before their longing imaginations. And oftentimes it is no real longing, for that were then pardonable, but a liquorish delicate desire that they are sick of; as may be seen by those who simply imagine themselves to be with child, are always talking of this and t' other dainty that they long after. And that which is worst of all, is that both they and those that are really with child, long commonly for that which is scarcest and hardest to be gotten: Yea in the very middle of winter they oftentimes long to have a Green-goose or young Chickens; which in some places are very hard to be got, and not without paying ex excessive dear forthem.  
This longing being so satisfied; immediately arises another, and nothing will serve Meats, and several sorts of Comfits. Yea how often happens it, though it rain, snow, and is very slippery, that both the husband and the maid, if never so dark and late in the night, must troth out and fetch candied Ginger, dried Pears, Gnigerbread, or some such sort of liquorish thing. And what is to be imagined, that can be cried about in the streets by day time, but her longing before hath an appetite prepared for it?  
Yea through an excessive eating of raw fruits, and feeding upon multiplicities of sweetmeats; to fulfil their longing; it turns to a griping of the guts and overflowing of the Gall, which again occasion Colic, & manytimes other lamentable pains. Here is is then another new work. There the Doctor must be presently fetched, and according to what he pleases to order, either a Glister must be set, or some other Physic taken for it.  
But by reason these things are not so pleasant to the good woman as the foregoing liquorish delicacies; she thinks it best that the Midwife be sent for, because she hath a great deal better knowledge touching the infirmities of women than the Doctors: Then she is fetched, and having done the first part of her office, she gives her good comfort; and orders her to take only some of the best white Wine, simpered up with a little Orange-peel, well sweetened with sugar, and so warm drunk up; and then anoint yourself here, and you know where, with this salve; and for medicines [that are most to be found in Confectionres or Pasterers shops] you must be sure to make use of those, than your pain will quickly lessen. You must not neglect also ofttimes to eat a piece of bread and butter with either Caroway or Aniseed Comfits; use also Cinnamon; the first expels wind, and the second strengthens the heart; and they are both good for the woman and the child. Be sure also to drink every morning and every evening a glass of the best sack, for that strengthens the fruit of the womb, and occasions you a good quickness, etc.  
Who will doubt, but that she obeys the orders of the Midwife, much better than that of the Doctors. And verily there is also a great deal of difference in the suffering, of such or uneasy fumbling at the back part; or the receiving of such pleasant and acceptable ingredients. And so much the more, when she begins to remember that Doctor Drink-fast used to tell her, that Medicines never make so good an operation, when they are at any time taken against the appetite, or with an antipathy, by the Patient.  
Thus you may see, approaching Father, how you are now climbed up to a higher step of glory: Your manly deeds, make your name renowned; and your joy is so much augmented that your wife looks always merrily and pleasantly upon you, for giving her content; and she now also salutes you with the most sweetest and kindest names imaginable; you must also now be her guest upon all sorts of Summer and Winter fruits, & a thousand other kinds of liquorish and most acceptable dainties. Insomuch that although you did not come into the streets in six months, you may by the humour and actions of your wife know perfectly when Strawberries, Cherries, Apples, Pears, Nuts & Grapes, are in season. And there is no geater pleasure for your best beloved, then that she sees you eat as heartily of them as she herself doth.  
Confess then unfeignedly, from the very bottom of your heart; are not these great Pleasures of marriage? And be joyful; for this is only a beginning, the best comes at last. Know likewise, that this is but as a forerunner of the sixth Pleasure, and will both touch you at heart, and tickle your purse much better: Yea, insomuch that the experience thereof will show you that there is a whole mountain of pleasures to be found in the bands of Wedlock. Whereby I fear, that you will, perhaps, make a lamentable complaint, of your no sooner arriving at this hrppiness.  
But comfort your self herewith; that the medicaments of the Doctor and Midwife, perhaps have done such a wished for operation, that you thereby may obtain many Sons and Daughters, which you may then timely admonish and instruct to that duty, so long by yourself neglected, and in a manner too late to repent of.  
Doubt not, but assuredly believe, that now you are once gotten into the right road, you may easily every year see a renovation of this unspeakable pleasure; and beholding your wife oftentimes in this state; in like manner you perceive that not only your name and fame is spread abroad, but your generation also grow formidable. And this all to the glory of your relations, and joy of your dearly Beloved.   

THE six PLEASURE.  
Care is tàking for the Child and Childbed linen; and to provide a Midwise and Nurse.  
And the greatest joy is, that you have now so hoist your topsail, that your wife cannot any more call you a Dry-boots, or a John Cannot; which were for you such disrespectful names, and yet for quietness sake you vere forced to smother them in your breast, because you could have no witness for your vindication.  
You are now so far exalted, that you will very speedily be saluted with the name of; Dad & Pappa which is as pleasing and acceptable for you now, as the name of Bridegroom was before.  
O how happy you are! & what pleasures doth the married estate provide for you! how glad must your wife be now! how strictly she reckons the months, nay the very weeks and days! O what an unexpressible love hath she for you now! and with what embraces and kisses she entertains you, because you have furnished her shop so well? Now you may perceive that the procreating of children, makes the band of wedlock much stronger, and increaseth the affections.  
Now were it well time, that by death either of the good woman or the Child, that you did, by a will, seek the mortification of the disadvantageous Contract of marriage; and by that means get all there is to yourself, in place of going back to her friends and relations; But, alas, she hath so much in her head at present, that there is no speaking to her about it, without b'ing a great trouble to her: besides her senses cannot now bear it therefore you must let it alone till another time.  
Do you yourself but observe, & you'll quickly see that a lying-in requireth so much trimming, that she hath really care enough upon her! the Childbed linen alone, is a thing that would make one's head full of dizziness, it consists of so many sorts of knick-knacks; I will not so much as name all the other jinkombobs that are dependences to it. Therefore, ought you to be so compassionate with her, as not to speak to her about any other thing; for all her mind and senses are so employed upon that subject, that she can think upon nothing else but her downlying. Hear but deliberately to all her lying-in, and of what belongs to it. 'tis no wonder neither for there is not one of her acquaintance comes to her, either woman or maid, but they presently ask her, Well, Mistress, when do you reckon? And that is a Text then, so full of matter that there is oftentimes three or four hours preached upon it, before any of the Auditors be weary, O that all Ministers were so happy, as to have always such earnest and serious hearers. In the mean while there is no body happier than the maids, for they are then free from being the Town-talk; for at other times, the first word is, How do you like your maid? which is another Text that the women generally preach out of, and make longest sermons in.  
But methinks, I should happen to fall here from the Mistress upon the Maid.  
To go forward then. See how serious your dearest is, with Jane the Sempstress, contriving how much linen she must buy to make all her Childbed linen as it ought to be! how diligently she measures the Beds, Bellibands, Navel clouts, shirts, and all other trincom, trancoms! and she keeps as exact an account of the els, half els, quarters, and lesser measures, as if she had gone seven years to school to learn casting of an account.  
Let this measuring and reckoning be pleasant to you, because the charge thereof will fall costly enough for you. Tomorrow she goes to market, to buy two or three pieces of linen, one whereof must be very fine, and the other a little courser. And you need not take any notice what quantity of fine small Laces she hath occasion for, by reason it might perhaps overcloud this sixth pleasure of marriage, which you now possess.  
Why should you not be merry? you have now above all things a Wife to your mind; who whatsoever she imagines, desires or doth, it is always accompanied with wishes. O, says she, how glad shall I be, when all things is bought that there ought to be for the making of my Childbed linen. And no sooner is it bought, but then she wishes that it were ma●e.  
But this requires some time: and than you'll have reason to rejoice; for it is commonly the usual custom of the semstresses to let you go and run after them, and fop you off with lies and stories, till the time be so nigh at hand, that it will admit no longer delay.  
Yet before you see that your wife hath accomplished this desire, you'll find her very much troubled at two several causes, which will make you glad when she hath once obtained them. For these are things of importance, to wit, the making choice of a Midwife and a Nurse, because upon one depends the health and preservation of the life of the Woman; and on the other that of the Child.  
Let it no ways molest or trouble you, but rather be pleasing and acceptable, if she be continually chattering at you, and desiring your advice and council, who she shall make choice of or not; hereby you may observe, that you have a very careful wife; and if you listen a little more narrowly, you will hear what a special care she hath for all things; then she will every day be relating to you that amongst the number of Midwives which have been recommendad to her, there is not one that pleases her; for one is too young and unexperienced, another is too old and doting; a third is too big handed; a fourth hath too much talk; and the fifth drinks too much wine. To be short there is so many deficiencies in everly one of them, that the good woman hath need of a learned Counsellors advice to help her to choose the best.  
And the like trouble hath she also concerning the taking of a Nurse having already spent a above months' time in examining among her kindred and relations, and other good acquaintance, how such and such nurses have behaved themselves; & she is informed that there are few to be found but have certainly some faults or other, and sometimes very great ones, for one is too sluttish, another saunters too a third too lazy; another too dainty: and then again, one eats too much, and another drinks to much; one keeps company to much with the maid, and another in like manner with the good man: And such a one or such a one are the best, but they were not very handy about the hearth, to make ready some liquorish dainty things for the good woman, which is a matter of no small weight.  
Behold! hath she not very great cause to be troubled: and thereout you may very well also observe how happy you are, seeing you have gotten a wife that night and day is busy and taking care of all these concerns and other affairs. Yes verily, although her big-belly be very cumbersome to her, yet she must be abroad, every day from morning till evening, to take care and provide all these important things, that nothing may be wanting. Well what a careful wife you have! how mightily she is concerned for this above all other things whatsoever!  
And scarcely hath the good woman gotten these two main instruments; but she finds herself still involved in so much other business, that she hardly can tell how to do or turn herself in it; for now there wants a Groaning stool, a Screen, and a Cradlewith what belongs to it; and heaven knows what more, which have been so long neglected with the care that was taking to get a Midwife and a Nurse. Then again there wants new Hangings, a Downe-bed a Christeningcloath, silver candle sticks, a Caudlecap, etc. that of necessity must be bought & used at the lying-in, & Gossip's feast; so that the good man need not fear that his money will grow mouldy for want of being turned too & again.  
Oh were your dear wife so happy that she had once made an end of all these ponderous affairs, than all would be well: For than she could begin to give order for the making clean the house from top to bottom; and for the pressing of some curtains, Vallians and Hangings; the rubbing of Stools, Chairs and Cupboard; the scouring of the Warming-pan and Chamber-pot: And 'tis no wonder, for when the good woman lies in, then come so many busy bodies that with their glouring eyes are peeping into every hole and corner.  
These things do so excessively trouble her brain; that she can hardly the whole day think upon any thing else, yea goes so near her that it ostentimes totally bereaves her of her night's rest insomuch that she is fain to lie very long a bed in the morning. And if by night she happen but only to think oft Boobincjo, she hath immediately such an alteration in her very entrails, that she feels here or there some or other deficiency; which comes so vehement upon her that the poor husband, though it be never so cold, must out of bed to fetch some Cinnamon and Annis-seed water, or good sack; or else some other such sort of those liquorish ingredients and then these are the principal keys of Music that the whole night through are sung and played upon. O how happy is the good man, that he hath, from time to time, in her childbearing, learned all these things with so much patience, which makes him now that he can the better bear with all these finical humours;  
But for this again, o compassionate Ninnihammer, you shall have not only great commendations for your patience; but the pleasure also that some of your nearest relations will come and kiss your hands, and withal tell you how happy you are that y'are almost arrived at that noble degree of being entitled Father. And then, with great respect & reverence, they desire to receive the honour some of being your firstborn child's fathers, and others to be Godmothers: Neither will they then be behind hand in presenting the Child with several liberal gifts, as an acknowledgement of the honour they receive, above others, in being favoured with your Gossipship.  
Well who would not, for so much honour and respect, but now and then suffer the trouble of his wives quamish stomach with some charges to't? And more than that, you have now the best opportunity in the World, to go with your new chosen Gossips, (as you did before with your Birdemen) & choose & taste out some of the most delicious Wine, for you must be sure to store your Cellar well, because then both the Bridemen and Bridemaids will certainly come to eat some of the long-looked for Caudle; besides the great number of friends that will come then also to give you a visit, and with all respect wish you much joy: I will not so much as think any thing of those that will come also to the Christening and Gossip's Feast.  
Be joyful with this, till such time as the t'other Pleasure begins to appear,   

THE SEVENTH PLEASURE.  
The Woman falls in Labour.  
BEhold, young couple, hitherto a considerable deal of time is spent and passed over, with the aforesaid Mirth and Pleasures; do not you now perceive what a vast difference is between the married or unmarried estate? You have, by provision, made yourself Master of these six Pleasures; nay oftentimes before you have gotten the longd-for joy of the fourth Pleasure, appears that of the seventh very unexpectedly; for the good woman begins to look so sour, grumble, grunt and groan, that it seems as if she would go into the Garden and fetch a Babe out of the Parsley-bed.  
But Uds-lid this is a great-surprizal; for a little while ago she said that she was but seventh months gone of her reckoning. How then? should she have jested upon it? or has the good woman lost her book, and so made a false account? Yet this being the first time of her reckoning, ought the more favourably to be passed by as long as the Trade goes forwards.  
There's now no small alarm in the Watch. Who is there that is but near or by the hand that is not set a work! Oh, was Dorothy the Sempstress, and Jane the fuandress now here, what a helping hand we might have of them! Where are now the two Chair-women also, they were commonly every day about the house, and now we stand in such terrible need of them, they are not to be found? Herewith must the poor Drone, very unexpectedly, get out of bed, almost stark naked, having hardly time to put on his shoes and stockings; for the labour comes so pressing upon her, that it is nothing but, haste, hast, hast, fetch the Midwife with all possible speed, and alas, there is so many several occasions for help, that she cannot miss her maid the twinkling of an eye; neither dare she trust it to the Maids fetching, for fear she should not find the Midwife's house; and she hath not showed it her, because she made her reckoning that she had yet two months more to go.  
Therefore without denial away the good man himself must to fetch the Midwife; for who knows whether or no she would come so quick if the maid went; nay it is a question also, being so late in the night, whether she would come along with the maid alone, because she dwells in a very solitary corner clearly at the t'other end of the City: (for after a ripe deliberation of the good woman, the lot fell so that she made choice of this grave and experienced Midwife.)  
Away runs the poor man without stop or stay, as if he were running for a wager of some great concern. And though it be never so cold, the sweat trickles down by the hair of his head, for fear he should not find the Midwife at home; or that perhaps she might be fetched out to some other place, from whence she could not come. And if it should happen so, we are all undone, for the good woman must have this Midwife, or else she dies; neither can or dare she condescend to take any of the other, for the reasons afore mentioned.  
But what remedy? if there must come another, than she will so alter, vex, and fret herself at it, that all the provocations of pains in labour, turns against her stomach, and there is no hopes further for that time.  
But whilst you are running, and consider in this manner hope the best; rather think with yourself, what great joy is approaching unto you, if your wife, thus soon, come to be safely delivered of a hopeful Son or Daughter: In the first place, you will be freed from all that trouble of rising in the night, and from the heaving of the grumbling and mumbling of your wife; two months sooner than you yourself did expect you should have been.  
Be not discomforted although she doth thus unexpectedly force you out of bed, before you have hardly slept an hour, for you see there's great occasion for't; and now is the time to show that you truly love your wife. This first time will make it more accustomary, the first is also commonly the worst. And if you be so fortunate that at the very first you happen to meet with this prudent and grave Matron Midwife, & do bring her to your longingfor dearly beloved Wife; yet nevertheless you may assure yourself, that before you can arrive to have the full scope and height of this Pleasure, you'll find something more to do: For the Midwife is not able alone to govern and take care of all things that must be fetched, brought and carried to and again; therefore of necessity the friends must be fetched with all the speed imaginable, viz. Sisters, wives, Aunts, Cousins, and several familiar good acquaintances must have notice of it, and be defrayed to come to her quickly, quickly, without any delay; and if you do not invite them very ceremonially every one according to their degrees and qualities, it is taken to be no small affront.  
It hath happened more than a hundred times that the Sister afterwards would not come to the Christening Feast; because, by chance, she heard, that the Brother's wife had notice given her of the Childbearing before herself; little considering how few people the young people had in the night to assist them; or that the confusion and unexperiencedness was the occasion that they did not think of such a method or order. Nay oftentimes is this sort of jealousy arisen between the Aunt and Cousin; whereby may most certainly observed the intelligibility of the most prudent female sex.  
'Tis true this running seems both troublesome and tiresome but little doth the good man know that he is now first come into that noble School & herein his patience shall be effectually exercised or that this is but the first year of trying the same! O how happy are they that are well instructed in it.  
Do but see how impatient the good expecting Father is. What is there not yet wanting, before he hath his lesson perfect! Behold the poor Drone, how he moves too & fro! see what a loss and tostication he is in! he tramples his hat under his feet, pulls the hair off head, not knowing what he would do, or which way to help his dear Wife; and the Friends that were sent for do not come so quick as he expected, because the most part of them must first trick and prick themselves up before that they dare come; the one fearing the piercing view of another, though they be all near relations and friends.  
Here he stands trembling, not knowing which way to turn himself. women's assistance is at this present most requisite, and a good Stierman at Stern, or the ship may rum upon a sand. She runs first backwards then forwards; seeks here then there. And although he hath the keys of all the Chests, and Trunks, his head runs so much a Wool gathering, that, let him do what he will, he can find no sort of those things he most stands in need of.  
Alas all things is thus out of order, by reason the good woman did not think to come so soon in Childbed, Oh what manner of Jinkinbobs are not here wanting that are most useful at this occasion; and the Midwife cries and bawls for them that she's hoarse again! here's both the groaning stool and the screen yet to be made: And Mistress Perfect hath them both, but they are lent out.  
Yonder Peg the maid runs her ankle out of joint, and herself out of breath, to desire to borrow them of Mistress Buy-all. And she's hardly gotten out of doors, before they perceive that the warming pan is yet to be bought; and that that's worst of all, is, that all the Childbed linen is not yet starched or ironed; oftentimes it happens that it is yet upon the the Bankside at bleach. What a miserable condition is this!  
Here the good man is at no small quandary, with all the women, oh were this the greatest disappointment for him! but presently he sees all the women's countenances looking very dole-fully and mournfully at each other, one beginning to pray; another to cry in; there comes a great aleration in the pang and pains of her Labour; nay they are sodesperate, that the fear is, either the mother or the child, or perhaps both must go to pot. For all whatsoever the Doctor hath prescribed, or that hath been fetched from the Apothecaries; nay the very girdle of Saint Francis can work here no miracle.  
ud's bud, this is but a sad spectacle. Oh, says Peg the maid, doth this come by marrying? I'll never venture it as long as I live. I do believe that it is very pleasurable to lie with a Gentleman, but the Childbearing hath no delight at all in it. Oh I am afraid, if there come not a sudden change, that my good Mistress will not be able to undergo it. Oh sweet pretty blossom as she is.  
'Tis most true, that here wants crumbs of comfort both for the husband and the wife; yea for the Midwife and all the rest of the Women beside; for they all cry that the tears run streaming down their cheeks; and neither their Cinamon-water, nor burnt wine, can any ways refresh or strengthen her. ud's lid: if there come no other tiding the sweetness of this pleasure will prove but bitter to them.  
But hark a little! there comes something of a tiding, that brings us five pounds worth of courage with it. Two or thee more such, would make every one of our hearts a hundred pound lighter, and the great Caudle Skellet would begin to quake and tremble.  
Pray have a little patience, tarry, and in the twinkling of an eye you shall be presented with a Child, and saluted with the title of Father.   

THE EIGHTH PLEASURE.  
The Woman's brought to bed.  
HA boys! after all the toiling, he happy hour is at last arrived, that the good Woman, finally is delivered & brought to bed: well this is a mirth and pleasure that far surpassesh all the other; for the good man is, by a whole estate, richer than he was before.  
Who can imagine or comprehend the jollity of this new Father? O he is so overjoyed that it is inexpressible: Doll and Peg must out immediately to give notice of it to all the friends and acquaintance; thing to himself that every body else will be as jocund and merry at it as he is. Do but see how busy he is! behold with what earnestness he runs up and down the house to give order that the great Caudle Skillet may be in a readiness!  
What a pleasure is it for him that he sees Mistress Do-all attending the Midwife, and giving her all manner of warmed beds and other Clouts, the number and names where of are without end; and that Mistress Swifthand & Mistress Fair arse are tumblingall things to psie-turvy for soothe to seek and prepare in a readiness all those things that are most necessary for the Child; but little doth he think that they do it more to be peeping into every hole and corner, and to have a full view of all the Childbed linen, than out of needful assistance? And woe be to the Child bed woman, if they do but find any where a Clout, Napkin or Towel, that by chance hath either a hole or a rent in it: for one or another of them will with grinning and laughnig thrust her finger through it, and then show it to the rest. taking also the first opportunity she can lay hold of, when they are a little at liberty, to make a whole tittle tattle about it, and very much admireth the carelessness and negligence of the Childbed woman; as if she were a greater wast-all, and worse housewife than any of them else when to the contrary, if you should by accident come into any of their Garrets, when the linen is just come home from washing you would oftentimes find it in such a condition, that you might very well imagine yourself to be in Westminster Hall where the Colours that are Trophics of honour are hung up, one full of holes, another tattered & torn, and a third full of mildew.  
Yet notwithstanding all this peeping and snuffling in to every nook and corner, they finally get the Child swathled: And then to the great joy of the Father, it must be presented him in state by the Midwife, with this golden expression, a Proverb not above two hundred years old, Father, see there is your Child, God give you much joy with it, or take it speedily into his bliss.  
ud's bud how doth this tickle him! what a new mirth and pleasure is this again! see him now stand there and look like a Monkey with a Cat in his arms. O delicate what a pretty condition he's now in!  
Well Midwife look to't, for this joy hath taken such a tyrannical possession of his heart, that doubt not but immediately there will be a good present for you, when he gives it you back again. 'Tis no wonder, for if it be a Son, he is at least a thousand pound richer than he was before: though hem ay look long enough before he'll find a Bankers Bond in his Chest for the ●um.  
Now whilst the Child is swaddled and dressed up, all the other trinkum trankums' are laid aside; and the Table is spread neatly to entertain the friends, who not alone for novelties sake, but also out of a sweet toothed liquorish appetite, long to see what is prepared for them. And I believe that although the King's Cook had dressed it, get there will be one or another of them that will be discommending something, and brag that she could have made it much delicater, if there be then any one that seems not fully to believe her, immediately she citys two or three Ladies for her witnesses, who have given her the greatest praise and commendations for her dressing of such dishes above all others. And who can have better judgement than they? This is then a discourse for at least three hours, for they are all of them so well versed in the Kitchen affairs, that its hard for one to get a turn to speak before the other.  
But this is an extraordinary Pleasure for this new Father to hear out of all their prittle prattlings how sweetly they will commend the Quill that hath received all the Colchester Oysters, Coxcombs, Sweetbreads, Lamstones, and many other such like things, for they have found by experience that such sort of ingredients occasion very much the kindness of men to their wives. Yes, yes, says Mrs. Luxury it is very good for my husband, and not amiss for any palate neither, and I'm sure the better I feed my Pig, the better it is for me in the sousing out. And this discourse than is held up with such an earnestness, and continues so long, that the Childbed woman almost, gets an Ague with it, or at the least falls from one swooning into another, whilst there is not so much as any one that thinks upon her.  
Happy is the good man, if he can but act the part of a Ninny, and hath busied himself for the most part in the Kitchen; then he may be now and then admitted to cast in his verdict; otherwise, let them talk as long as they will, he is forced in great misery to afford them audience. But it is much better for him, if, according as the occasion gives opportunity, there be now and then spoken something concerning the Childbed woman, or about the shaking of the sheets, which is seldom forgotten; because he is now already so far advanced in the Cony-craft of that School, that he is gotten up to the Water Bucket.  
In the mean while Peg runs too and again, almost like one out of her senses, to hunt for the Nurse, who dwells in a little street upon a back-Chamber, or in an Ally, or some other by-place; and she is just now no where else to be found but at t'other end of the City, there keeping another Gentle woman in Childbed.  
Here is now again other fish to fry, for one will not be without her, and t'other must needs have her, each pretending to have an equal right to her. And the Nurse, finding that each of them so much desires her, thinks no small matter of herself, but that she is as wise as many a Lady's woman or Salomon's Cat, and that her fellow is hardly to be found. But before some few days are past, there's a great trial to be made of the Nurse's experience and understanding; for, let them do what they will or can, the Child will not suck; yea, and what's worse, it hath gotten a lamentable Thrush. Alas a day what bad work is here again, the Nurse is so quamish stomockt that she cannot suck her Mistress, therefore care must be taken to find out some body or other that will come and suck the young woman's breasts for twelve pence a time; or else her breasts will grow hard with lumps and fester for want of being drawn. Or else also with the sucking she gets in the tipples.  
Now is the right time to fetch the Apothecary to make ready plasters, and bring Fennel-water to raise the milk, that the lumps may be driven away; and most espelially that the cloves in the tipples may be cured. Help now or never good M. Doctor, for if this continue much longer, the young woman perhaps gets an Ague that may then cost her her life.  
Verily, in this state and condition of the woman is also some pleasure to be found, for you may keep your wife now very cheap; she is not now so liquorish and sweet-toothed, as when she was with Child; which in deed is very good at all times, but most especially in thy pitiful time for there's now nothing fitter for her to eat then a little good broth, stewed Prunes, Caudle, Water-gruel, roasted Apples, or new laid Egs.  
But, now Father, your Pleasure will immediately be augmented, for it will not be long before you will have some or other Gentlewomen come to give you a visit, who will then also out of their Closets of understanding be very much assistant to you with their advice and counsel for there are very few of them that are not deeply experienced in Sir Thomas Brown's Midwivery, and if any thing do happen more than ordinary, they never want for remedies.  
Now there is Doctor needham's wife, who by her ownexperimenting, hath knowledge of several other things: But upon such an occasion as this, there is nothing better than that the child must be glisterens; and for the lumps you must endeavour through a continual chafing to get them out of the young woman's breasts. But Mistress Rattle-pate relates, how miserably, she was troubled with an humour in her breast, when she lay in; but that she had always cured herself of it, by only taking a Sandwich Carret, and scraping it hollow in the inside, and then put like a hat upon the tipple, this drew out all ill humour, without any pain, or the least fear of danger.  
Yes truly, saith Mrs Talk-enough, I do indeed forsooth believe that that is very good, but here are very sore nipples, and they begin to be chopped; and there must be a special care taken for that; therefore it will not be amiss to strengthen the nipples with a little Aqua vitae, and then wash them with some Rose-water that hath kernels of Lemons steeped in it, There ' nothing like it, or better, I have lain in of thirteen children, but never tried any thing that did me so much good, or gave me half the ease. Pray, dear Mistress, be sure to make ufe of that, you will never repent it.  
But Mistress Know-all saith, that she hath made use of this also, and found some ease by it; and that she hath tried above an hundred other things, that were approved to be good; yet of all things never found nothing under the Sun that was more noble than Salvator Winter's Salve, for that cures immediately: And you can have nothing better.  
Yet Mistress Stand to't, begins to relate wonderful operations done with oil of Myrrh; and of the plasters that are made by the Gentlewoman in Py-yard.  
Now comes the sage Matron Experience, saying that she hath learned secret from a prudent Doctor that's worth its weight in Gold, nor can the virtue thereof be too much commended. And she hath already communicated it unto several persons; but there are none that tried it who do not praise it to be incomparable: therefore she hath been very vigilant to note it down in S. John Pain, and Nic-Culpeppers Works; to the end that her posterity may not only make use of it, but participate it to others: This is, Lapis Calaminaris prepared, mingled with a small quantity of May-butter, and then temper them to gether with the point of a knife upon an earthen plate, just as the Picture Drawers do their Colours upon their Pallet, which will bring it to be a delicate salve; and is also very soft and supple for the chaps of the tipples; nay, though the child should suck it in, yet it doth it no harm; and it doth not alone cure them, but prevents the coming of any more.  
Yes, saith Mistress Consent to all. and my advice is then to take a little horn, with a sheep's udder, & lay that upon the Tipples, for that defends them, and occasions their curing much better and sooner.  
O what a pleasure it is to hear all the pretty considerations of so many prudent Doctresses! If Clement Marot might but revive, I am sure he would find here as many Doctresses, as ever there were Doctors at Paris. But o how happy will this fortunate new Father be, when he may but once see the backsides of all these grave and nice Doctresses! By my truth, this may very well be registered for one of the most accomplished Pleasures.  
But yet all this doth not help the young woman. Perhaps all these remedies may be good, saith the Grandmother but they are not for our turns; for alas a day, the very smell of salve makes her fall into a swoon; neither can she suffer the least motion of sucking, for the very pain bereaves her of her senses. What shall we do then? to keep a Wet-Nurse is both very damageable, and cruel chargeable; for Wet-Nurses are generally very lazy and liquorish, and they are ever chatting and chawing something or other with the Maids; and in their manner they baptise it, with saying it is very necessary & wholesome for the Child. And then again, to put the Child out to Nurse, hath also several considerations; first it estrangeth much from you, and who knows how ill they may keep it. Therefore it is best to keep it at home, and endeavour the bringing of it up with the Spoon, feeding it often with some pure and cordial diets fit for the appetite, and now and then giving it the sucking bottle.  
But what remedy now? this is all to no purpose: For though the Grandmother, Nurse, and An't do what they can, yet all their labour's lost. And the Child is so froward and peevish, that the Nurse is ready to run away from it; nay, though she dandle and play with it always till past midnight, it is but washing the Black amore; in so much that a Wet-Nurse must be sought for, or away goes the Child to Limbo. For this again is required good advice, and the choosing of a good one hath its consideration: But the tender heartedness and kind love that the Mother hath for her Child can no way suffer this, she will rather suck it herself though the pain be never so great. Yet having tried it again a second time, the pain is so vehement that it is impossible to withstand it; therefore the new Father cannot be at quiet till there be a Wet-Nurse found and brought to them. For it goes to the very heart of both Father and Mother to put the Child out to Nurse.  
And do but see after much seeking and diligent enquiring, the new made Grandmother, hath at last found one, who is a very neat cleanly and mighty modest woman, her husband went a little while ago to the East-Indies, & her child died lately.  
This no small joy but an extraordinary Pleasure, both for the new Father, and Childbed woman. Oh now their hearts are at rest. And now all things will go well; for as the Wet-Nurse takes care of the Child; the dry Nurse doth of the Mother, & all this pleases the good Father very well.  
Now Child-bed-woman your time is come to make much of yourself, that you may recover strength. Now you want be troubled with the pains of sucking, or disturbed of your natural rest: now you must let the Wet-Nurse take care for every thing, and look after or meddle with nothing yourself. Now you must sleep quietly, eat heartily, and groan lustily. And though you be very well and hearty, yet you must seem to be weak and quamish stomached; for first or last the month of lying-in must be kept full out. Do but think now by yourself what you have a mind either to eat, or drink; the first and worst days are with the tossing and turmoiling passed by; neither can you recover any strength with eating of Water-gruel, sugar sops, roasted Apples, and new laid Eggs; you are not only weary of them, but it is too weak a diet for you. The nine days are almost past, and now you must have a more strengthunig diet; to wit, a dish of fine white Perch, a roasted Pullet, half a dozen of young Pigeons, some Wigeons or Teal, some Lams-stones, Sweetbreads, a piece of roast Veal, and a delicate young Turkey, etc. And whilst you are eating, you must be sure to drink two or three glasses of the best Rhenish wine, very well sweetened with the finest loaf sugar, you must also be very careful of drinking any French wine, for that will too much inflame you.  
O new Father, what a Pleasure must all these things be for you; and especially, because now you begin at the Bed side to eat and drink again with your Childbed wife; and you begin also to perceive that if all things advance as they hitherto have done, you may then again in few days make fresh assaults of hugging and embracing her.  
This is that jolly month or six weeks that all woman talk so pleasantly of; because it learns them always such a curious remembrance. And really it is almost impossible that the husband at these rates can grow lean with it; because he as well as his wife sits to be crammed up too: And he can now with his dearest daily contrive and practise what the Nurse shall make ready, that his Child bed wife may eat with a better appetite, and recover new strength again. I would therefore advise the careful Nurse as a friend, that she should be sure to provide herself with the Complete Cook, that she might be the more ready to help the Childbed woman to think upon what she hath a mind to have made ready, for her brains are but very weak yet; so that she cannot so quickly and easily remember at first what is pleasantest and wholesomest to be eaten.  
O thrice happy new Father that have gotten such a prudent diligent and careful Nurse for your Childbed wife! what great Pleasure is this! And behold, by this delicate eating and drinking, your Dearest begins from day to day to grow stronger and stronger; insomuch that she begins to throw the Pillow at you, to spur you up to be desirous of coming to bed to her: Yea, she promiseth you, that before she is out of Childbed, she will make you possessor of another principal and main Pleasure.   

THE NINTH PLEASURE.  
Of the Gossip's Feast.  
NOw, o new Father, you have had the possession of eight pleasures, which undoubtedly have tickled you to some purpose.  
But now there is a new one approaching, that will be as full of so many joyful delights and wish of prosperity, as ever the first and most famous hath been; for it seems as if your Childbed wife begins to be a weary of this lazy liquorish life, and to leave off her grunting and groaning; because she now longs to be gadding up and down the street, or standig at the door with her Babe in her arms.  
But before this can be done, you know that there ought to be a Gossips Feast kept, To this end the Nurse must be sent abroad; and a serious Counsel held, as if the Parliament of women were assembled, to consult who shall be invited, and who not. 's Wounds, what a list of relations and strange acquaintance are here summed up in a company together, to be invited to the Gossipping Feast. 'Tis impossible, the Nurse can ever do this all in one day; because she would not willingly miss any of them, out of the earnest hopes she hath of the Presents she expects. And then also she must give an account to every one of them that are invited of the state and condition of the Childbed woman and her Child. I wonder that there is no body that solicits to have the Office of an Inviter to all such sort of Gossip, but the women understand these affairs and the ordering of such sort of invitations much better than any one else, therefore 'tis not necessary.  
O, new Father, what a sweet Delight and Pleasure you must needs have in reviewing this great List of your Gossips! What multiplicities of wishes of joy and prosperity have you to expect! But if I were to be your Counsellor, I assure you I would order the Nurse to desire Doctor Toss-bowl, my Lord Drink first and then the other Gentlemen, to wit, Master Cleardrinker, Dryliver, Spillnot, Sup-up, Seldom-sober, and Shift-gut, to fetch home their Wives in good time from the gossiping; because you have other men's Wives, who are your near relations, that you must entertain longer; and they otherwise will never think of rising or going home though it were midnight: And by this means you will have a fit opportunity, with a full Bowl and a Pipe, to wash away that rammish sent of a Childbed out of your brains; and also after many hopes, once arrive to the height of receiving your full delight and pleasure. And then you may even clap it all together upon the account of a Lying-in.  
Now Nurse, here you have work by whole handfuls: for you shall no sooner have made an end of your other errands, but immediately there's so much tricking and pricking of all things up in neat order against the coming of the sharp-sighted guests; that it's a terror to think on't. Their eyes will fly into every nook and corner; nay the very house of Office must be extraordinary neat and clean; for Mistress Foul-arse, Gossip Orderall, and Goody Dirty-buttocks, will be peeping into every crevise and cranny: And because they will do it forsooth, according to their fashion, they make a show as if they must go to the necessary Chamber, with a Letter to Gravesend, only to take an inspection whether it be as cleanly there as it is upon the Gossipping Chamber where all the Guests are. And 'tis a wonder if they do not look into the Seat, to see whether there be no Spiders webs spun in it; or whether the Goldfinders Merchandise be of a good colour, equal-size and thickness.  
But come let's pass all this by: for in the middle of these encumbrances, the time will not only fly away; but we shall, at the hour appointed, be surprised by our Guests. ud's life, how busy the Wet and Dry-Nurses are with dressing the Babe neatly Now Father, look once upon your Child! O pretty thing! O sweet-faced dainty darling! 'tis Father's own picture! Well what would not one undergo to be the Mother of so fine an Angel! And who can or dare doubt any thing of it, for the Mother loves it, and the Father believes it, nay and all the friends that come tumbling in one upon another to day, do confirm it: For behold, every one looks earnestly at the Babe; and doth not a little commend his prettiness. One saith it is as like the Father (alias Daddy) as one drop of Water is like another. Another, that the upper part of the face, forehead, eyes and nose incline very much to be like the mother; but downwards it is every bit the Father. And who forsooth should not believe it, if it be a son. Every one is in an admiration. O me, what a pretty sweet Infant! Nurse, you have dressed it up most curiously! And truly there's, no cost spared for the having very rich laces.  
Thus they lie and tamper upon this first string, till the Childbed woman begins to enter upon the relating what great pain in travel she had to fetch this Child out of the Parsley-bed, what a difference there was between her, and others of her acquaintance, etc. Thereout every one hath so much matter, as would make a longwinded sermon; and the conclusion generally is the relating how and when the good man crept to bed to her again; and how such a one had been a fortnight with Child, before she went to receive her churching. Where upon another comes with a full-mouthed confession, that her husband was not half so hot in the codpiece.  
And a third again relates how her husband tarried above a fortnight from home, after that she was out of Childbed; but coming then home, he did so claw her off and tickle her fancy for her that very precisely upon the nine months' end, she was brought to bed of two children.  
Do but tarry a little yet, till the Gossipping-bowl hath gone once or twice more about with old Hock; then you'll hear these Parrots tell you other sorts of tales.  
In the mean while, do but see the poor Nicholas None-eys how he rejoices, that his wife is so reasonable strong again; and that she is so neatly tricked up sitting in state in the best furnished room, by the bedside! O what a pleasure this is! O how he treats all the women with delicate Margot Ale, and Sack and Sugar! [unless he begin to bethink himself, and for respects sake or frugality, sets some bottles aside; because he perceives it to be nothing else but a vast expense and women's Apish tricks] How busy he is in carving for them of his Roast-beef, Capons, Turkey-py, Neats-tongue, or some other savoury bit to make their mouths relish their liquor the better; and then stand fast Bowls and glasses for they resolve not to flinch from it? And indeed why should he not? for he is now a whole estate richer than he was before; and what need he care for it then.  
Well behold here! Now the women's mouths are a beginning to be first a little warm; and none of them all can be silent, though they should speak of their own Commodities.  
O how happy would you be, O Goodman Cully, if you had but as many ears as Argus had eyes, that you might hear every where, whilst you are carving and serving of them, what pretty sweet stories and discourses, these sorts of Parrots will be talking of? For Mistress Sharpset relates, what a pleasure she oft times received in it, to keep School-time with her husband at noons, as soon as they had feasted their carcases well: but that cunning of her lesson had caused her several times to make a journey to the Parsley-bed.  
Mistress Touch and Take relateth, how that being once at her Nieces at a gossiping, where she and her husband were stayed and treated something more than ordinary; as they were going home they were suddenly surprised with an amorous storm; so that coming home, they would not tarry to undress themselves but tumbling down upon the flore, they very furiously fell to 't, hand over head; where she received such a benediction, that that very day nine months, she lay-in Childbed of a young Betty; that was so like the child of the aforenamed Mistress Touch and take, as ever any one thing in the world can be like another. And she was more prosperous and healthy at this lying-in, than ever she had been before, etc.  
Where upon Mistress Currant begins to relate for a most true story, how that a certain Maid who selleth Wine and Beer-glasses at this very time, had her Viol so filled by a little pretty mean fellow of her acquaintance; that about nine months afterwards, when it begun to be gripping upon her, she went in person herself to the Town Midwife; where she immediately without further delay was delivered; and about an hour afterwards went home with the Child in her lap; where she both swathed, and also washed out all the foul Linen herself; nay, and the next day morning went herself with her child to have it Christened, and then she went and sat the whole day again, as formerly, at her Stall to sell glasses.  
At this Mistress Sincere wonders extremely; saying how strangely these things happen to one woman more than another. In our Parish there is a married woman brought to bed, but she was so miserably handled by the Midwife, that no tongue can express it. Insomuch that Master Peepin the Man Midwife, was fain to be fetched, to assist with his Instrument; it was a very great wonder that the woman ever escaped it; which is most lamentable indeed to be related; and too sad indeed to be placed by me among the Pleasures of Marriage.  
Oh, saith Mistress What d'ye call'er, it is a very lamentable and sad condition, when things run so contrary that we must go a whole journey about to clear ones self of Py-corner; and resolve without much consideration, that a Chirurgeon must be sent for: And nevertheless, although it be very shameless, yet the necessity occasions and forces the doing of it: But when there is talked of such things, it makes me think a thousand times over of a certain passage that happened to one of my nearest friends and relations: When the good woman, being at the very end of her reckoning, begun to be grieved and pained very cruelly with the pangs and twangs of Childbearing, and it continued very long. What remedy soever they used, it helped not, nor would go as they would have it: nay it continued three whole days and nights; and then the woman begun to cry out, Oh I cannot be delivered, unless I see that cut off before my eyes, by which I did get it. Well I pray Mistress, (said Madam Scripture) what a horrible strange desire is this? Never did any Wife ask this of a Husband! Would you in such a manner destroy that which was created for good? there's no Law nor rule for that, neither can it be admitted. He hath done his duty, and it was your duty to be helpful to him therein; but not that you should request such mad and senseless things as those are.  
But it was even as much as if Madam Scripture, had knocked at a deafmen door, for she bawled a hundred times, Oh I neither can nor shall be delivered, unless I see that cut off with which I have gotten it.  
Here was great need of good counsel: for what ever they said or did, she was like the Cuckoo, sung her old constant song; & her pains rather decreased then increased as to the effect of a safe delivery; in somuch that there was a fear both Mother & Child would be lost. But to be short the business was very earnestly related to the husband, who was not very well pleased to hear a song sung of that tune; and indeed it was esteemed to be by the Doctor, Chirurgeon, Midwife, & all the friends rather a fit of frenzy & pure madness than any thing else. Notwithstanding, the love of the husband, and necessity of the wife, made them cogitate upon some subtle cheat in the case; that the husband using some mournful actions, by wring of his hands kissing and embracing her; should say to her; be of good comfort, my dearest; for since it is thy desire, behold, I will hazard my life to save thine. Presently three Doctors & four Chyrurgians were sent for; who did, in the presence & sight of his wife, bind him fast to a great arm-stoel; & he feigned to cry lamentably; and that most especially when he saw the Chyrurgians terrible instruments pulled out & laid in order about him: whilst they on the other side comforted him with many persuasive reasons, & saying that he doubted not, but through their diligence & care to make a good cure of it, but still acting & busy to do the operation, at which the woman looked cruel sharp-sighted; and as they were fumbling about him, some blood was spilt; just at which moment this man gave a horrible shriek; & as it seemed then the operation was very dexterously finished. But one of the Chyrurgians having gotten a Cow's Teat, & made it bloody, did it with such an agility & quickness, the woman could no otherwise perceive but that her husband had lost his farthing candle. For the poor man lamented bitterly, & fell in a swoon; but the wound being curiously dressed, they laid him in bed, & commanded all things to be very quiet, etc.  
The man was hardly warm in his bed, before the woman begun to be in a bitcondition; and all things advanced so well every moment that in a very short time after she was sasely delivered of a brave boy.  
But the man kept his bed; and rejoiced heartily at his seeming gain; yet feigning himself very bad as before; for fear that if the cheat were in the least manner perceived, it might be a hindrance to the health of his wife.  
But when it had continued some few days, the Doctors advised him, that he should get up; and walk about a little which he did, and coming into his wife's Chamber, feigns himself very weak, etc. yet begun from day to day to grow better and stronger as well as his wife.  
The woman having lain-in some time, and the husband being cured; he begain to creep to bed to her. And after the month was very little more than past, she having a huge mind to be doing, begins to put her hand to wards her husband's farthing candle to play with it. Where-upon the man bushes her hand away, and saith, Well how sweetheart, am I not miserable enough to be brought by you already into such a deplorable condition, but you must needs grieve me yet more with your dallying.  
And for that time she was fain to be contented therewith. But before many nights were passed the Jill would be groping again; and because she was denied so before, begins to ask in this manner, well, sweetheart, prithee is it so totally taken away? Is there not so much as a stump left? Oh my dearest saith he, you know very well what I have suffered for your sake.  
But at last nature overpowering him, it was impossible for him to tarry any longer out of Venus' Orchard: which pleased her so well, that embracing him in her arms, she whispers him quietly in the ear; saying, Oh sweet heart, the stump I vow is as good as the whole was.  
Thus ended Mistress Whatd'ye callser ' discourse: And the Nurse perceiving that through the length of the Story her mouth was grown dry in the telling, proffers her a bouncing glass of Sack and Sugar.  
In the mean time, at the t'other end of the Chamber, Mistress Fairtail relates a pretty story how their Maid was very curiously stitched up by their Tailor; and how she was every foot running thither, then to have a hole finely drawn that she had torn in her Petticoat, another while to have her Bodice made a little wider, and then again to have her stockings sole. Which continued so long till at last she was brought to bed of a pair of young Bodice with a lace & tag to it.  
It is no wonder, (saith, Mistress Paleface) that this should happen to a poor innocent servant Maid; there was my husband's first wives niece M rs. Young rose that modest Virgin, she kept such a close conversation & daily communication with Master Scuré, that at last there appeared a little Cupid with little ears, and short hair.  
Nay then (saith Mistress Look about) those two Sisters need not twit one another in the teeth with it; for the tother kept such a sweet compliance and converse with the Spanish Fruiterer, yonder at the corner-house, where she did eat so many China Oranges, and other waterish fruits, that they caused her to get an extraordinary swelling under her stomach; which Doctor Stultus judged to proceed from some obstructions, wind, and other waterish humours; but it did not continue so long before her Mother, beginning better to apprehend the nature of her distemper, sent her away to her Countryhouse at Hackney, where she was cured of her obstructions and waterish humours, by the arrival of a little Wag-about; at last returning home again very pale-faced for a tried Maid.  
Mistress Lookabout was going to begin again; but they heard such rapping and knocking at the door, that one of them said I believe there are our husbands; and indeed she guest very well. This augmented their mirth mightily. And especially of the Nurse; for now she was sure that, if the good Cully her Master treated his Gossips nobly and liberally, her presents would be doubled. But Nurse do not cheat yourself, for fear it might happen otherwise; I know once a merry boon Companion, who being at a Gossipping Feast, called the Nurse alone to him; and says to her, Nurse, I'll swear you are very vigilant and take a great deal of pains, in serving both us and our wives with all things, and also filling of us full glasses and bowls: hark hither, my wife is a little covetous, and ofttimes so narrow-souled that she doth not keep her credit where she ought to do, so that I believe her gift will not be very great, and truly because you are such a good body, see there, that's for you, put it some where privately away; & therewith thrusts her an indifferent great brass Counter, wrapped up in a paper, into her hand. The Nurse certainly believing this to be at the least a Crown-piece, thanks him very demurely, and puts it in her Pocket; never opening it till they were every one of them gone, but then she saw that she was basely cheated. But Nurse you are warned now by this, another time you may look better to't. Yet methinks I'd fill about lustily, it is the good man of the house his wine; and when the Wine begins to surge crown-high; the men are much more generous than before.  
And verily methinks I have a mind to take my portion of it also; but yet not so as the Nurse did at my Nieces; who had tossed up her bowls so bravely upon the good health of the Childbed woman her Mistress, that when she was going to swath and feed the Child, instead of putting the spoon into the mouth, she thrust it under the chin, & sometimes against the breast; and then when she was about swathing of it; as it is commonly the custom to lay a woollen blanket and linen bed together, she wrapped the poor Infant with its little naked body only in the blanket alone.  
O thrice happy young Father, who have hitherto so nobly treated and encertained all your She-Gossips, and had the audience of all their curious relations! Now you will have the honour also of entertaining their husbands your He-Gossips, who will not be backward in doing of you reason out of the greatest bowl you will set before them, and talk as freely of a Py-corner merchandise.  
Who is there now that doth not praise, and commend your manful deeds to the highest? Ha, ha, saith Master Laugh-wel, that's a Child! who ever saw a braver! there's not the fellow on't! O my dearest, I have such a delight in this Child, that if we were but a little alone together, I'd cast you such another as if it were of the same mould. Stay a little, stay a little, saith Master Fillip, it may be you would not run so strong a course. Yet I saw once two Soldiers who were Bachelors, that were sitting in an evening drinking in an Alehouse, and talking lustily of the Bobbinjo trade; whereupon one of them said; Cocksbobs Jack if I had but a Wife, as well as another, I'd presently get her with Child of a brave boy. Ho, ho, saith the tother, it is an easy thing to get a Wife if one seek it. If I would, I dare lay a wager on't, I would be the Bridegroom within the space of two hours. The other not believing him, they laid a wager between them for a pottle of Wine. Hereupon one of them went out of doors just upon the striking of the clock; & hardly was gone a streets length, before he met with a bonny bouncing girl, who was going of an errand for her Mistress, and he presently lays her on board. But she seemed to be very much offended, that an honest Maid going about her business in the evening, should be in this manner so encountered by a strange fellow, with a sword by his side. Verily, Sweetheart, said he, you have a great deal of reason in all what you say; but you may certainly believe that it is an honest person who speaks to you, and only seeks an occasion to be acquainted with a virtuous good conditioned Maid. My wearing of a sword, is because I am a Soldier, and am very well known by many honest people. And truly, if you please to admit me this favour, you shall see and find me to be an honest man, and none of those that go about to lie and deceive; any body; and indeed my intention & desire is to marry, to that end seeking nothing but an honest Maid, and I doubt not but that I have at this time found one to my mind. And went forward with his chat in these sort of terms. But the Maid denied him, saying, that she had no mind at-all to a Soldier, because it was one of the poorest and miserablest sort of levelihoods; their pay being but very little, and they were seldom advanced, etc. He on the other side commending & approving a Soldier's life to be the merriest, resolutest, & absolute easiest of any that was under the Sun; because that neither hungry care, nor finical pride did any ways take place by them, but that they, on the contrary were always merry, never admitting sorrow into their thoughts. 'Tis true, said he, our pay is but small; but then again, all what the Country people have, is our own; for what we want ourselves, we get from them: we never take care for to morrow, having always something fresh, & every day new mirth. Riches, Sweetheart, doth not consist in multiplicity of Goods, but in content; & there's no one better satisfied then a Soldier, therefore you shall always see an honest Soldier look plump and fat, just as I do: but Drunkards and Whoremasters fall away miserably, &c,  
In short, the Maid begun a little to listen to him (and so much the more, because that very morning she had a falling out with her Mistress) and told him, she would take it into consideration, He answered her again, what a fiddle stick, why should we spend time in thinking? we are equally matched: a Soldier never thinks long upon any thing, but takes hold of all present opportunities, and it generally falls out well with him. But she drawing back a little, he saith, ah my dearest, you must take a quick resolution. Behold there, yonder comes a Cloud driving towards the Moon: I'll give you so much time, till that be passed by; therefore be pleased to resolve quick, for otherwise I must go & seek my fortune by another. For a Soldier neither woos nor threatens long.  
Upon this she considered a little, but before the Cloud was passed by the Moon, she gave him her consent; and he gave her his Tobacco-box for a pledgé of marriage; and desired some thing of her in like manner for a pledge; but she said she had nothing: howsoever he persisted so strongly, that in conclusion she gave him her Garter for a pledge of marriage. He was contented with it, and taking his leave, went unto his Comrades; and told them what had happened to him, showing them the Garter. Whereupon he that had laid the wager with him, asked, who it was, what her name was, and where she dwelled, etc. And being told by another, that it was a handsome, neat, and very well complexioned Maid. By my troth, said he, I with I were to give four Cans of Wine that I could light upon such another. Well, see there, saith the first, if you will give four Cans of Wine, I will both give you the Garter & the Maid too into the bargain: It was done but by Moonlight; so that she'll hardly know whether it be me or another.  
Hereupon the agreement was concluded, the two first Cans of Wine were spent, and the Garter was delivered to him, and every one charged to keep it secret.  
This second Soldier goes to the Maid next day in the evening, at the hour and place where they had appointed to meet. And there relating to her several passages that were passed between them the day before, and showing her the Garter, made her believe that he was the person that had contracted with her the day before. To be short, the Maid leaves her service and marries him. And that which is most to be observed, is, that that which the first Soldier vaunted to have done, the second performed; for just nine months after they were married, she was brought to bed of a gallant young boy, and they lived very peaceably and quietly together.  
Well, I'll vow, saith Master Cross-grain, that's a very notable relation; it is better a great deal that the business happen so, then like another, which is just contrary, that I shall make mention of to you.  
Barebeard and maly, who by a sudden accident, without much wooing, were gotten together, and their first Bane of matrimony was published; but falling out, they called one another all the names that they could reap together; nay it run so high, that they would discharge each other of their promises, and resolved to go to the Bishop & crave that they might have liberty to forbid the Banes themselves, which happened so.  
Barebeard coming then with Mall before his Grace, complained that he did already perceive his intended marriage would never come to a good event, because he found perfectly that this Maid was a lumpish Jade, a nasty Slut, a Scolding, bawling Carrion, & a restless piece of mortality. Therefore it might go as it would, he did not care for the Maid, neither would he marry her, and for those reasons, he desired his Grace to grant that the Banes might be forbidden; as thinking it much better for him to quit her betimes, before it was too late. She on the t'other side said, that he was one that run gadding along the streets at all hours of the night, a private drunken beast, a Spendthrift, etc. so that she did not care for him neither. Whereupon his Grace smiling told them, well you fellow and wench; do you think that we do here so give and take away the consent of marriage? perhaps when you are married, it may be much better, for the marriage bed doth for the most part change the ten senses into five. But she answered, may it please your Grace, he is no such man to do that, for all that he can do is only to follow his own round-head-like stifneckedness, and even nothing else. Whereupon he again answered, may it please your Grace, I have no mind ever to try it with such a creature as she is; I should be then fast enough bound to her; neither would I willingly go alive headlong to the Devil, to take my habitation in Hell.  
The Bishop thus perceiving that no good thread could be spun of such sort of Flax, caused the Banes to be forbidden. Then said Barebeard, may it please your Grace, am I not a freeman, & may I not marry with whom I please, or have a mind to? to which his Grace answered, yes. Presently Barebeard thrufting his head out at the door, calls out aloud, Peg do you come hither now; and begged that his Grace would be pleased to give him leave to marry with this person. Which Mall seeing she cries out, you Rogue, you have been too coming for me in this; if I had the least thoughts on't, I would have had my Hall to have tarried for me at this door, in stead of tarrying for me at another place. Whereupon his Grace, being in great ire, chid them most shrewdly, giving them such strong reproofs, that at first it might very well be imagined that he would never have admitted of a second consent; yet afterwards upon considerations it was granted. But Barebeard being now married with Peg, they got no children: And Mall being married to Hal, they had both a Son and a Daughter at one birth. By which its easy to be observed what acquaintance Mall had made with Barebeard before hand, & why she would rather marry with Hall then with him.  
To this again Mistress Sweetmouth relates, that she had been several times invited to Mistress Braves labour; and that she had been twice brought to bed very happily of two delicate twins. And in the last encounter, for a recompense of the affection of her Beloved, she presented him with two lustily and gallant boys; but because she would equally balance his great bounty; the Midwife takes the same walk again for another, and finding in what condition things stood, she calls for a basin of warm water, bringing out at last a most delicate pretty daughter, that was yet poor thing wrapped up in the Cawl. Which she immediately laid into the warm water, and showed unto them all the wonderful works of nature; for there they could see it move and stir, as if it had been in its Mother's glass Bottle; but the skin being just cut open with a small hole, it begun presently to make a little noise like a weak childish voice, which indeed was very rare & pleasant to be seen. In truth, such a Father, who can cast every time such high doubblets, may very well be called by the names of Brave.  
But this Story was hardly told before Mistress Tittle-tattle pursued it with another out of the same Textsaying, A little more than two years ago I was at a gossiping by Mistress Gay, who was then brought to bed both of a Son and a Daughter, also at one birth; but indeed the Labour carne so violently upon her, that as she was standing upon the stairs, not being able to set one foot further; and having neither Midwife, nor any other women of her neighbours and friends, only the assistance of her husband and the Maid; she was immediately delivered of two gallant Children; but they did not live long.  
Upon my word, said Mistress Bounce-about, it is an excellent help when men understand their travelling upon such sort of roads. It happened to me once that some Gentlewomen were merry with me somewhat late in the evening; and because I had had several Symptoms of Labour, said this Mistress Bounce-about, if you would now take a walk to the Parsley bed, we would help you very bravely; but neither wind nor weather was serviceable at that time. But they had hardly been gone an hour, and being in bed with my husband, and he very fast asleep; before there begun such an alteration of the weather; that my husband must up with all speed, who wakened the Maid, and sent her for the Midwife laying on fire himself in all haste; yet do all what they could, within less than a quarter of an hour, and that without any bodies help but my husbands, my journey was performed; but things were done with such a confusion; that he received the child in the Christening cloth instead of the Blanket.  
And a thousand more such stories as these are ripped up; that would burden the strongest memory to bear them: and so much the more, because it is impossible to distinguish one from the tother, when the men and the women that gabble so one among another. And ofttimes they spin such course threads of bawdry in their talk, that are enough to spoil a whole web of linen. And who can tell but that their tattling would last a whole night, for there's hardly one of them who hath not at the least a hundred in their Budgets; but because it is high time that either the Dry or Wet-Nurse must go to swath the child, they begin to break off and shorten their prittle-prattle.  
Now young Father, do but observe what fine airy compliments will be presented to you at their parting. Every one thanks you for your kind and cordial entertainment, and not one of them forgets to wish that you may the next year either have a Daughter to your Son, or a Son to your Daughter; imagining then that all things is well, when you receive such a full crop: But I am most apt to believe that all their wishes aim at the But of coming next year again to the Gossip's Feast, to toss up the Gossipsbowl, and in telling of a bobbinjo story they peep into all nooks and corners.  
Well, O new Father, this Pleasure begins to come to a conclusion; but prithee tell me, would not a body wish for the getting of such another, that his Wife might make a journey to the Parsley-bed twice a year?  
Now Nurse have at you; you shall now reap the fruit of all your running and going early & late to invite them. Oh thinks she by herself, would but every shilling change itself into a crown-peece. But Nurse you'll hardly be troubled with a fit of that yellow Jaundice sickness, for there's no drug at the Apothecaries, nor any light among the Beggars that can cure you of it. And I dare say Nurse, that you'll go nigh to perceive that its a very hard time, and money mighty scarce: because formerly the women used to put their hands more liberally in their purses, and one gave a crown, another half a crown; but the times are now so strangely altered, that they keep little mild-shillings only for that use, nay some of them rub it off with a couple of their Grandams grey groats. But howsoever I hope for your sake, it will not be here according as often happens, fair promises but no performances; for if it should, I protest ye ought to have made your bargain to have had a piece more at the least for your Nurse keeping; or otherwise you must have had the full liberty to toss up the remains of all that was left in the Gossipping Bowls, or else to have carried the key of the Wine Cellar always in your pocket, and then after the feeding and swathing the child, you might in the twinkling of an eye, swinge up a lustily glass upon the good health of the Father, Childbed mother and the Child; for the Wine was laid in to be made use of to that end and purpose; and it is commonly known that the Nurses are not so mealy mouthed; for although they don't do it that every one should see it, they'll be sure with the Maid to get their shares in one corner or other. But you must for this again think, that the freer you let them take their swing herein, the more care they will take for the Child.  
Now Nurse, don't spare to make good use of your time, for it belongs amongst other things to this Pleasure; and the new Father will nevertheless be turning about to another mirth, and then you may be sure to expect to have a God be w'ye. Therefore make much of yourself, and toss up your glasses stoutly at the Wine-Cask; who knows whether you may have the opportunity this twelve month again to meet with such a good Nurse-keeping; a liquorish sweet-toothed Childbed woman, & a plentiful house-keeping, is not every where. And you may certainly believe, that the month will be no sooner ended, then that you'll begin to stink here; for the Mistress will begin to consider with herself, that she can make a shift with the Maid and Wet-Nurse; so that then you must expect to get your undesired Pass.  
Then you must return back again to your own lodging, that dark, moist and mournful Cell, and satisfy yourself, if you can get it, with a mess of nilk and brown George, or some such sort of lean fare: So that you'll have time enough to waste away that fulsomness and fogginess of body, that you have gotten in your Nurse-keeping. For there's no body that will give you any thing, or thinks in the least upon your attendance, unless they want you again.  
O new Father, pray for it to come again within a twelve month, that you may have a renewing of this pleasure once more; for it is with the Nurse-taking its leave, and will conduct you to a following.   

THE TENTH PLEASURE,  
A great Childbed Feast is kept, and the Child put in clothes.  
Be therefore cheerfully merry, O sweet Couple, because you are in so short a time arisen to the height of being possessors of all these Pleasures: And so much the more, the ninth being hardly past, before the tenth follows, as it were treading upon the heels of the tother.  
I hay have scarce wiped their mouths or digested the Childbed Wine in their stomaches, before there starts up a new day of mirth & jollity; for now there must be a Childbed feast kept & the child must be put in clothes. O what two yast Pleasures are these for the young Father! 'tis indeed too much joy for one person alone to be possessor of.  
At first you had the Pleasure for to treat the Women, those pretty pleasing Creatures, and to hear all their sweet and amiable discourses. But now you shall be honoured with treating the Matron like Midwife, and those Men and Women that are your kindest friends and nearest relations; Yea and the Godfathers' and Godmothers' also who will all of them accompany you with courteous discourses and pleasant countenances: They will begin a lusty Bowl or thumping glass, super naculum drink it out, upon the health & prosperity of you, your Bedfellow and young Son; and very heartily wish that you may increase and multiply, at least every year with one new Babe; because that they then might the better come to the Child bed Feast.  
Here you'll see now how smartly they'll both lick your dishes, and toss your Cups and Glasses off. Begin you only some good healths, as; pray God bless his Majesty and all the Royal Family: the Prosperity of our Native Country; all the Wellwishers of the City's welfare, etc. And when you have done, they'll begin; and about it goes to invest you with the honour and name, in a full bowl to the Father of the Family; Well is not that a noble title; such a Pleasure alone is worth a thousand pounds at least.  
And whilst the Men are busy this way; the good woman with the other Women are contriving on the other side how the Child ought to be put in clothes upon the best and modishest manner: For she is resolved to morrow morning to be Churched, & in the afternoon she'll go to market.  
She accomplishes the first well enough, but is at a damnable doubt in the second part of her resolution; for by the way, in the Church, and in the streets, she hath continually observed several children, and the most part of them dressed up in several sorts of fashions: Some of them she hath a great fancy for, but then she doubts whether that be the newest mode or not. One seems too plain and common, which makes her imagine in her thoughts; that's too Clownish. But others stand very neat and handsome. 'Tis rue, the Stuf and the Lining is costly and very dear; but then again it is very comely and handsome. And then again she thinks with herself, as long as I am at Market, I'd as good go through stitch with it; and make but one paying for all; it is for our first, and but for a little child, not for a great person; therefore it is better to take that which is curious and neat, the price for making is all one; besides it will be a great Pleasure for my husband when he sees how delicately the child is dressed up, and his money so extraordinarily well husbanded.  
Now, my dearest, pray be you merry: if the stuf hath cost something much, you have need but of little; and it is for your first. When it grows bigger, or that you get more, you must part with much more money. Don't grudge at this for once, because than you would spoil all your mirth and Pleasure with it. Rejoice that you have a Wife, who is not only good to fetch children out of the Parsley Bed; but is also very careful to see them well nourished, and neat and cleanly clothed. You yourself have the praise and commendation of it. Let her alone a while, for women must have their wills; say but little to her, for her brains are too much busied already; and it may be that in three hours' time, you would hardly get three words of answer from her; and suppose you should relate something or other to her, this shall be your answer from her at last, that she did not well understand you, because all her thoughts, nay her very senses do as it were glide to & again, one among another continually, to order the dressing up of her child.  
I am very well assured, O new invested Husband, that your wits at present run a Woolgathering, because that both Merchandise and Trade are neither of them so quick as you would fain see them; and by reason of this tedious and destructive War, moneys is horrible scarle, nothing near so plentiful as you could wish it to be: But comfort yourself herewith, that it hath happened ofttimes to others, & will yet also happen oftener to you. Yet this is one of the least things; but stay a little, to morrow or next day the Nurse goes away. This seems to be a merriment indeed; for than you'll have an Eater, a Stroy-good, a Stufgut, a Spoil-all, and Prittle-pratlen, less than you had before.  
You are yet so happy that you have a Wet-Nurse, that carefully looks after the Child; by which means both you and your Wife are freed from tossing and tumbling with it in the night: whilst others, on the contrary, that have no Wet Nurses in their houses; begin first to taste, when the Dry-Nurse goes away, what a Pleasure it is that the Child must be set by the Bedside, and the charge thereof left unto both Father & Mother, when it oftentimes happens that the good woman is yet so weak, she can neither lay the Child in, nor take it out of the Cradle; insomuch that the Father here must put a helping hand to't, because he is of a stronger constitution, and hath the greatest share in it.  
By my faith such as those are they who have the first and true taste of the Kernel of the Tenth Pleasure; because the husband ought as then, out of a tender affection for his wife to rock continually, that she might take her rest; otherwise she would not get any suck in her breasts for the Child: And happy they are sometimes, if they come oft with but rocking the most part of the night; for many times it happens, that the Child is so restless and unquiet, that Father, Mother, & Maid; nay and all whatsoever is in the house must out of their beds to quiet it; and though they use a thousand tricks and stratagems, yet all's to no purpose.  
And yet this is but a small matter for them neither; for before a few months are past, the child begins to get teeth; and bawls and cries so night & day, that they can tell the clock all the night long; wishing a thousand thousand times over that they might see daybreak; and so by the comfortable assistance of daylight receive a little solace for all their toiling and tumbling too and again.  
Yet I would advise such as these, that they must in no manner be discomforted at this; if they intent to demonstrate that they have learned something in the School of Marriage, to exercise their patiences: But, on the contrary, to show themselves contented with all things; being assured, that hereafter when all this trouble is past, they shall receive the happiness, that the child will return them thanks with its pretty smiles; and in time also will salute them with a slabbering cocurring. And I believe now that they clearly find that all things do not go so even in this World, as they well imagined: And that the fairest Sunshine of Marriage, may be sometimes darkened with a Cloudy Storm.  
You married people, that have the help of a Wet-Nurse, receive a much greater advantage in participating of the Pleasures of Marriage, neither need you to be troubled with tossing & dandling of the child in the night. But on the contrary, you may challenge one another to encounter with all sorts of weapons for venial pleasures; whereby you may most certainly be assured (by reason the child doth not suck its own Mother, that she's therefore touch and take the sooner) that you will very speedily and unexpectedly receive the tiding, that your beloved is proved with child, and begins to reckon again.  
O, young House-Father, this is a most incomparable Pleasure for you! For now you may most certainly see the approach of a Daughter to your Son; and by that means reap the possession again of all those former Pleasures; & by every one be saluted with the Title that you are an excellent good Artist at it.  
If it be so, be careful that you do not gad up and down with your wife too much on horseback, or in Coaches; for fear it might make her miscarry. But you have learned all these things well enough at the first, and without doubt have kept them well in remembrance.  
Do but behold, in the mean time, what an unexpressible Pleasure your dearly Beloved hath in the tricking up of her sweet Baby in the most neatest dresses. What a World of pains she takes & spends her spirits, to make the Tailor understand, according to what fashion she will have it made; & to hasten him that all things may be ready and totally finished against Sunday next.  
O new Father, now open your eyes! Behold what a pretty Son you have! How happy you are in so loving and understanding a Wife that knows how to triek it so curiously up in this manner! She was never better pleased! Undoubtedly the Summer nights are too long, and the days too short for her to gad up and down traversing the streets of the City, that she may fulfil her desire of showing it to every body: never was any thing more neatly dressed. But the Nurse and the Maid wish the Child in the mean while at Jericho; for their very backs and sides seem to be absolutely broken with carrying it up & down from day to day. And most especially when the Child is weaned, and the Wet-Nurse turned away, the Maid cannot let it penetrate into her brain; that she now not only the whole week must rock, sing, dandle, dress, and walk abroad with it; but that she is upon Sundays also bound to the Child, like a Dog to a halter; and never can stir out; as she formerly did, to walk abroad with Giles the Baker, or John True the Tailor; nor so much as go once to give a visit to her Country-folks or kindred; which occasions no smail difference between the Maid and the Mistress.  
But good House Father, never trouble yourself at it, for this belongs also to the Pleasures of Marriage; nor do not seem discontented because your Dearest walks abroad thus every day; but rather think with yourself, she takes her spinning Wheel and reel along with her. And if in her absence, you have not that due attendance, nor find that in the house and Kitchen, things are not so well taken care for why then, you must imagine to be satisfied with th'assistance of the Sempstress, or some such sort of person, as well as you were when you enjoyed the Eighth Pleasure: You must also observe, that if the Child should sit much, it might get crooked legs, and then the sweet Babe were ruined for ever. It is also too weak yet to be any ways roughly handled; but it begins from day to day to grow stronger and stronger: Also with your Dearests carrying it abroad continually to visit all your friends and acquaintance, it learns by degrees to eat all things, and drinks not only Beer, but some Wine too. And I assure you it is no small Pleasure for the Father and Mother to see that this little young Gosling can so perfectly distinguish the taste of the Wine, from the taste of the Beer: though when it is come to some elder years, perhaps they would give a hundred pound, if they could but wean it from it. But that's too far to be looked into. And care too soon taken makes people quickly gray-headed.  
Before you reach this length, yea perhaps before some few weeks are at an end; you will see this sweet Babe afflicted with either the Measles or small Pox; and than you'll wish for a good sum of money that he might not be disfigured with them, in having many pock-holes. And it is no wonder, for who knows whether he may be past small-pocking and measeling when he is five & twenty years of age? But on the contrary there may then perchance appear so many glimpse of marriage Pleasures from him, that such small things will not be once look at.  
For if your Wife be now upon a new reckoning, and you come then, as I have told you before, to get a Daughter; you will in time see what a pretty sweet Gentlewoman she'll grow to be; how modestly & orderly she goes to learn to write and read; but most especially to prick samples; which perhaps she'll be wholly perfect in, before she hath half learned to sow: nay it's probable that she'll be an Artist at the making of Bonelace, though she was never taught it.  
Otherwise both you & her Mother will reap an extraordinary Pleasure in seeing your Daughter grow up in all manner of comely and civil deportments; and that she begins to study in the book of French manners and behaviours; and knows also how to dress up herself so finically with all manner of trinkum trankums', that all the neighbouring young Gentlewomen, and your rich Nieces esteem themselves very much honoured with the injoiment of her company; where they, following the examples of their Predecessors, do, by degrees, instruct one another in the newest fashions, finest Flanders Laces, the difference and richness of Stuffs, the neatest cut Gorgets, and many more such lincombobs as these. Nay, and what's more, they begin also to invite and treat each other like grave persons, according as the opportunity will allow them, first with some Cherries and Plums; then with some Filbuds and Small Nuts; or walnuts & Figs; and afterwards with some Chestnuts and new Wine; or to a game at Cards with a dish of Tee, or else to eat some Pancakes and Fritters or a tansy; nay, if the Coast be clear to their minds to a good joint of meat & a Salad. Till at last it comes so far, that through these delicious conversations, they happen to get a Sweetheart, and in good time a bedfellow to keep them from slumbering and sleeping. And it is very pleasing to see that they do so observe the making good of the old Proverb,  
As old Birds did, the young ones sing,  
Which is a very pleasant thing.  
Happy are you, o you new Householders, who have already possessed yourselves of so many Pleasures in your marriage; and are now come just to the very entrance to repossess yourselves of them over again; and perchance they'll never depart from you as long as you see the one day follow the other. Be not backward or negligent in relating your happiness to others; but if there be any distaste or disaster that can happen in the married estate, lock it up in the very Closet of your heart, and abhor everlastingly the thoughts of relating it; than you will have many that will pursue your footsteps, and be Listed into your Company, & then also will your estate and condition be famous through the whole World.   

Conclusion.  
THus long you have seen, Courteous Reader, how that those married people, who are but indifferently gifted with temporal means, endeavour to puff up each other with vain and airy hopes and imaginations, persuading themselves that all the troubles, vexations, and bondages of the married estate; are nothing else but Mirths, Delights and Pleasures; perhaps to no other end but to mitigate their own miserable condition, or else to draw others into the same unhappy snare; as indeed oftentimes happeneth. But it is most sad and lamentable, that the meaner sort of people, when they have thrown themselves into it, make their condition a thoutimes worse than it was before: For they, who at first could but very soberly and sparingly help themselves, do find when they are married, that they must go through not only ten, but at least a thousand cares and vexations. And all what hath hitherto been said of the ten Pleasures, is only spoken of the good and most agreeable matches; and not of any of those, which many times are so different and contrary of humour, as the light is from darkness; where there is a continual Hell of dissension, cursing, mumbling and maundering; nay biting & scratching into the bargain, which for the most part is occasioned by the quarrelsome, crabbed, lavish, proud, opinionated, domineering, and unbridled nature of the female sex. Besides there are a great number (which I will be silent of) who do all they can to please others, and Cuckold their own husbands. And others there are that disguise themselves so excessively with strong Waters, that a whole day long they can hardly close their Floodgates. So that you need not wonder much, if you see the greatest part of women (though they trick themselves never so finely up) can hardly get husbands; and their Parents are fain at last to give a good sum of money with them, that they may disburden themselves of them. Insomuch that it is easy to be seen that they are in effect of less value then old Iron, Boots and Shoes, etc. for we find both Merchants and money ready always to buy those commodities.  
Therefore o you that are yet so happy as to have kept yourselves out of this dreadful estate of marriage, have a horror for it. eat a woman much more than a Fish doth the hook, Remember that Solomon amongst all womankind could not find one good. Observe by what hath befallen those that went before you, what is approaching to yourself, if you follow their footsteps. And be most certainly assured that the acutest pens are not able to expound the light & feasiblest troubles and disasters of marriage, set then aside the most difficile and ponderous. Do but read with a special observation the ensuing Letter of a Friends advice touching marriage; imprintit as with a Seal upon yoar heart; and lay fast hold upon that golden expression of the glorious Apostle, It is good for man not to touch a woman.  
The End of the Ten Pleasures of Marriage.   

A LETTER From one Friend to another, Desiring to know whether it be advisable to marry.  
SIR,  
I Must acknowledge that the Letter which you have writ me hath given me some encumbrance, and made me more than three times to ruminate upon the question you propounded to me concerning Marriage; for it is a matter of great importance, that aught to be well pondered and considered of, before one should adventure to solemnize & celebrate it. Several of my familiar friends have troubled me touching the very same subject, and I gave them every one my advice according as they were affected; but methinks I ought not to deal so loose and unboundedly with you, by reason I dare speak unto you with more freedom and truth. First, there are two things which bind me strictly to you, Nature and the Affection; and moreover the great knowledge I have of this so necessary an evil. I will tell you my opinion, than you may use your own discretion, whether you will approve of my meaning for advice or not. For my part, I believe that of all the disasters we are subject to in our life time, that of Marriage takes preference from all the rest: But for as much as it is necessary for the multiplying the World, it is sit it should be used by such as are not sensible of it, and can hardly judge of the consequences thereof. Neither do I esteem any man unhappy, let whatsoever disasters there will happen to him, if he doth not fall beyond his sense so far as to take a Wife. Those troubles that may befall us otherwise, are always of so small a strength I that he who hath but the least magnanimity may easily overpower them. But the Tortures of Marriage are such a burden, that I never saw no man, let him be as courageous as he would, which it hath not brought under the yoke of her Tyranny. Marry then, you shall have a thousand vexations, a thousand torments, a thousand dissatisfactions, a thousand plagues; and in a word, a thousand sort of repentings, which will accompany you to your Grave. You may take or choose what sort of a Wife you will, she'll make you every day repent your taking of her. What cares will come then to awake and disturb you in the middle of your rest! and the fear of some mischance or other will feed your very spirit with a continual trouble. For a morning-alarm you shall have the children to a waken you out of sleep. Their lives shall hasten your death. You shall never be at quiet till you are in your Grave. You will be pining at many insufferable troubles, and a thousand several cogitations will be vexing your spirits at the chargeable maintenance of your Family. Insomuch that your very Soul will be tormented with incessant crosses, which always accompany this evil, in the very happiest marriages. So that a Man ought in reality to confess, that he who can pass away his days without a Wife is the most happiest. Verily a Wife is a heavy burden; but especially a married one; for a Maid that is. Marriageable, will do all that ever she can to hide her infirmities, till she be tied in Wedlock to either one or other miserable wretch. She overpowers her very nature and affections; changes her behaviour, & covers all her evil and wicked intentions. She dissembleth her hypocrisy, and hides her cunning subtleties. She puts away all her bad actions, and masks all her deeds. She mollifies both her speech and face; and to say all in one word, she puts on the face of an Angel, till she hath found one or other whom she thinks fit to deceive with her base tricks and actions. But having caught him under the Slavery of this false apparition; she than turns the t'other side of the Meddal; and draws back the curtain of her Vizards, to show the naked truth, which she so long had palliate, and her modesty only forbade her to reveal: By degrees then vomiting up the venom that she so long had harboured under her sweet hypocrisy. And then is repenting, or the greatest understanding of no worth to you: Perhaps you may tell me, that you have a Mistress, who is fair, rich, young, wise, airy, and hath the very majestical countenance of a Queen upon her forehead; and that these are all reasons which oblige you to love her. But I pray, consider with yourself, that a fair Woman is oftentimes tempted; a young, perilous; a rich, proud and haughty; a wise, hypocritical; an airy, full of folly; and if she be eloquent, she is subject to speak evilly: If she be jocund and light-hearted, she'll leave you to go to her companions, and thinks that the care of her mind, is with you in your solitariness; and by reason she can flatter you so well, it never grieves you. If she be open-hearted, her freedom of spirit will appear hypocritical to you: her airiness you will judge to be tricks that will be very troublesome to you. If she love playing, she'll ruin you. If she be liquorish and sweet-toothed, she leads your children the ready road to an Hospital. If she be a bad Housekeeper, she lets all things run to destruction, that hath cost you so much care and trouble to get together. If she be a finical one, that will go rich in her apparel, she'll fill the Shopkeepers Counters with your money. And in this manner her lavishness, shall destroy all your estate. To be short, let her be as she will, she shall never bring you much profit. In good troth, I esteem very little those sort of things, which you imagine to have a great delight in. 'Tis true, if you take a Wife, which is ugly, poor, innocent, without either air or spirit; that's a continual burden to you all your life time. The old are commonly despised; the ugly abhorred; the poor slighted; and the innocent laughed at. They are called beasts that have no ingenuity: and women without airiness, have generally but small sense of love. In these last some body might say to you, that one ought to take of them that are indifferently or reasonably well qualified. But I will surge a little higher, and tell you plainly, that that will be just like one who fearing to drown himself at the brinks of a River, goeth into the middle, to be the higher above water. You see now, why I cannot advise you to marry. Yet I would not have you to believe, though I so much discommend it, that it is no ways usefully profitable. I esteem it to be a holy institution ordained by God Almighty. That which makes it bad is the woman, in whom there is no good. If you will marry, you must then conclude never to be any thing for yourself again; but to subject yourself to the toilsome will and desires of a Wife, most difficult to be born with; to pass by all her deficiences; to assist her infirmities; to satisfy her insatiable desires; to approve of all her pleasures, & what soever she also will you must condescend to. Now you have heard and understood all my reasons and arguments, you may then tell me, that you have a fine estate, and that you would willingly see an heir of your own that might possess it; and that it would be one of your greatest delights, to see your own honour and virtues survive in your children. But as to that I'll answer you, and say, that your reward shall be greater in relieving the poor and needy; then to leave rich remembrances to Heirs; and procure you an everlasting blessing, that you might otherwise leave for a prey to your children; who it may be are so bastardized in their birth, that they are both Spendthrifts and Vagabonds; for it happens oft that good trees do not always bring forth good fruit. If, when you have seriously perused this my Letter, you are not affrighted at your intention; marry: but if you take it indifferently; marry not. And believe me, that a man who is free from the troubles & vexations of marriage, is much happier and hath more content to himself in one day, than another in the whole scope of his Wedlock. And what's more, a single man may freely and resolutely undertake all things, to Travel, go to battle, be solitary, & live according to his own delight; without fearing that at his death he shall leave a Widow and Fatherless children, who must be delivered over to the Fates, for their friends will never look after them. Hitherto I have kept you up, concerning your intention; and further I give you no other advice, than what by yourself you may take to yourself. If you marry, you do well: but not marrying, you do better. And if you will incline to me, rather than to marry, you shall always find me to be  
SIR Your very humble servant A. B.