news from the North. OR, A dialogue BETWIXT David Dammeeslash a soldier, and Walter Wheeler, a rich northern Farmer.  
Wherein is Discoursed what injuries they did to the country Farmers, and how they used to Pillage; with the extreme joy the country men take at their disbanding.  
 woodcut of man on horse  
Printed in the year, 1641.   

news from the North.  Wheeler. 
NOW Master Dammeeslash, you look very dejected, me thinks your countenance bewrays some un●xpected ch●nce or other lately happened, what is it I pray? have you been watching all night lost the enemies should break in upon you? or have you been building a Sconce, or making some munition to defend you from the thundering Ordinance planted on the Steeple? if any such unhappiness as this hath befallen you, I can easily elevate your drooping thoughts with more joyful tidings.  Dammee. 
How's that Mr. Wheeler, can you give me any comfort? What is it? for heavens sake tell me, is pay day come? but why should I ask such an unseasonable question, when twenty daies,( pay daies I mean) are past since I received one cross of my captain; has my captain received any money lately? or does he intend to ransack the inscrutable bags of gouty Mr. Gripe, the forty i'th hundred man? or what other news is it good Master Wheeler?  Wheel. 
All your mind my son of Mars is on sack and pillage, but now you may leave off that trade if you please, for there's a Commission sent down from London for your enlargement, you may now walk where you please without interruption, unless Master Constable, the stocks, or Whipping-post stand in your way.  Dammee. 
And you are glad of these tidings, are you? you believe now that your hens may walk safely and none bee borrowed, none shall hereafter come limping home, who have miraculously escaped our clutches, which happened seldom, unless we were overloaden; your goose may graze securely, and not be continually confined to their pens, your Ducks, Turkies, and all other Poultry may increase and multiply like the Sisters of St. Antholines.  Wheel. 
For my part I have not any to increase at all,( thankes to your ragged Regiment) but since I heard of this good news, I intend to revive my stock, my harmless sheep I hope now may rest securely in their folds and not be afraid of the night wolves, nor I in the morning be constrained to use the Art of Subtraction, 25. being taken out of 80. to know I have fifty five onely remaining: believe me Master Dammeeslash your disease was more infectious to them then the rot, my hogs may now( with your leave) walk abroad all day, and retire at night to their lodgings, whereas before your company was so merciless that( although they were sent on Canterburies embassy) they would not spare the Parsons tithe pig, but it must go into the number, my Calves were no sooner ten dayes old, but one of your noble order longed for it, mary my Kine themselves you have made bold with too; but I beseech you Sir without offence to your feather, may I ask you a question, had you any Butchers among you to dress your meat?  Dammee. 
Butchers? yes, enough, of every Artificers Trade we had some, but especially of shoemakers and Taylors, whom you might easily distinguish from the rest. The shoemakers were they that contrary to their Charter, were drunk two dayes a week, besides Sunday and monday, and the Taylors were they that eat so much hot Bread and Butter, they were no great drunkards, and the reason why so many Knights of the Needle turned souldiers, was because there was not room enough in Blackefryers for the French men of that trade; but me thinks you should rather bee sorry then rejoice at the loss of so good company, we were ever sociable, wee could not en-endure that you should want company on a Sunday at dinner.  Wheel. 
That's true indeed Sir, you came both Sunday and monday many times, but it was before you were sent for, I did not take any great delight in your pleasant society, good I am sure you never did me any, unless by keeping my meat from stinking, or by ridding me of the loud clamours my wife would whisper into my ears, for I could never have her company so long as you or your ru●e and ravenous Copartners had any occasion to use her, I durst not gainsay it, unless I had a mind to have my throat cut, or my house pulled about my ears, my maids and daughters were more serviceable to you then to their Father and Master; therfore I pray what reason have I to be sorry for your departure?  Dam. 
Why, had your wife ever such service done her from your weak back as she had from us, your daughters too, puling fools, how did they look before we took them in hand? how they were troubled with the green sickness, and loved no diet, but lime, chalk, and oatmeal, before they were our patients, wee prescribed them wholesome pills that took off that feminine disease, they I warrant them grieve that wee must leave them.  Wheel. 
Yes and good cause they have, for you have left testimonies of your love to them; our Country will scarce be able to preserve your bastards, sure never was Country so pestered with a rout of rogues; I pray thee tell me, what good did you ever doom or any country man?  Dam. 
Why thou forgetful fellow, how may shillings have we saved thee that thou wouldest have spent in reaping thy oats, and mowing thy grass? have not wee sent thee a whole troope of horses into fields to save thee that labour? have not we eased thy maids that were loaden with the reapers victuals, and rather then the poor maid should bee troubled to carry it any further, eat it ourselves?  Wheel. 
You have indeed, you have been very liberal of such kind of courtesies as you speak of: Truly Sir you have saved me both the labour and charge of reaping either oats or any corn else; your light horses would with much dexterity vault over my hedges, & would not spoil so much of my long grass in eating as in treading it; I and the rest of my neighbours have received so many of these favours that we are utterly undone; wee shall s●ve you a l●bour in helping us the next year, for we have no corn to sow, thinks to your courteous usage: besides, this is one other of your charitable deeds( if I be not mistaken) you would not think much to borrow a pair of clean sheets off the hedge, and forget to bring them home again; or to exchange a sh●rt, which though if were far richer then mine both in colour and quality, yet I assure you, there was little faire dealing in it; many of you were good huswiv●s too, you could 〈◇〉 my kin● forsooth, and a million ●ore of such favours have you done me, and I am sure my neighbours have fair'd no better then myself.  
But now Gentleman with faire leaves you must depart from hence to the place you came from, and except you can mend your manners from thence to tyburn, the commissiion for your disbanding is coming, therefore your trading here is spoiled, it is your best course to think of your old trade at London.  Dam. 
Nay, but do you speak seriously? what then will become of me? I see I must fall to the old course of life again.  Wheel. 
I pray good Mr. Dammislash, what course was it you took before we had your company here? surely you were well employed.  Dam. 
Truly I had many ways to live, but never affencted any so well as this course of life: sometimes I was in service, I lived with that notorious whore Mistris Clayton that lies in the middle of Fetterlane, there I was her chief gentleman usher, and many times upon occasion her hackster; when I was gentleman at large and out of service, I hunted bowling allies, and lived much upon the rook there, and m●ny times at nine pins in Lincolns Innefields, & for variety sake, at Pigeon holes on the back side of Westminster, and in the term time, all forenoon I walked Westminster Hall, and in a great crowd when I had occasion to feel for money, should mistake a Countriemans wide pocket for my own; I have had a hundred of these ways to live by, which I must too again.  Wheel. 
But what if these trades all fail; what course will you take then?  Dam. 
simplo fellow, I have so many trades it is unpossible they all should fail, but if it happen they do, I can at the worst turn ballad singer, which I am informed is at this present a very thriving trade.  Wheel. 
Well, seeing 'tis certain you must leave us, in hope I shall never be troubled with thee nor any of thy profession again, Ile give thee a dinner.  
FINIS.