News from the West; Or, A Pleasant Relation of what lately happened in that part of the World.  
To a New Tune, Or, The Delights of the Bottle, Or, Would you know how we Drink, etc.  
 

COme listen all you who to mirth are inclined,  
And I'll tell you a Story shall tickle your mind;  
'Tis full of Variety, Pleasant and New,  
And many affirm the most part of it true;  
For before I would tell you a word of a Lie,  
I'd kiss an old Woman, though Phillis stood by.   

In a Countrey-Village a Yeoman did dwell,  
Who was greedy, yet rich, as his Neighbours do tell,  
This Man had a Daughter whose beauty and fame  
Through all the whole Country had gained her a name,  
For before I would tell you, etc.   

The Knight of the Field that had heard of this fair,  
Like Bees to a Hive, to her Mansion repair:  
To view the young Maiden, and likewise to try,  
Whose Fate it should be with this Domosel to lie,  
For before, etc.   

They told their affections as well as they could,  
But that the bright Maid might be thoroughly wooed,  
●●eh Plow-shire a spokesman for sooth with him brought  
because they themselves could not court as they ought,  
For before, etc.   

While the Youths did contend for the beautiful prize,  
And each thought he found favour i'th' fair ones Eyes  
The Panders their business to th' Farmer applied  
Told each man's estate, and his Cattle beside:  
For before, etc.   

But Fortune to none so much treasure had lent,  
As could bri●e the old Yeoman to yield his consent,  
And therefore his mind to the Sparks he declared,  
And at once a whole Legion of Lovers cashiered:  
For before, etc.   

For the cunning old Rustic right well did conceive,  
What effects too much wooing on's daughter might have  
And since for a Husband not one did appear  
That was fit, a worse thing to prevent he took care  
For before, etc.   

But yet notwithstanding the caution he used,  
The Nymph she had tasted, or else was abused,  
But whether she had or had not I don't know,  
Yet strait you shall hear how the story doth go:  
for before, etc.   

As Rumour doth tell, a young fellow let fall  
Some hard censures o'th' Maid one a flagon of ale,  
And said though the business was privately carr'd,  
She brought forth two Bastards at once, he had heard,  
for before, etc.   

The tale of this Maiden's misfortune once known  
It flew like ill news through each Country town,  
And people admired this accident more,  
Then they did at the beauty o'th' Damsel before,  
For before, etc.   

This news to the Farmer was presently brought,  
And search being made, the poor fellow was caught,  
All means were in vain the old man to appease,  
Till the matter was heard 'fore a Justice o'th' peace,  
for before, etc.   

The Fellow i'th' stocks was condemned to fit,  
For the fault that his tongue, or her tail did commit,  
But what pomp and solemnity waited him there,  
All the Volumes i'th' World no such Records do bear.  
for before, etc.   

For his friends were resolved, if he Pennance must do,  
He in state like a Hero in Triumph should go;  
No means were neglected that mirth could inspire,  
That Youth could devise, or that heart could desire.  
for before, etc.   

When the time of this Pageant-Procession drew near,  
Which was in the height of the Market or Fair;  
In Holiday-Cloaths all the Youth of the Town,  
Walked gravely before him to usher him on.  
for before, etc.   

Two Squires the Constable's Office supplied,  
Who the Criminal led in their hands like a Bride:  
He himself with a Chaplet of Laurel was crowned,  
And abundance of Flowers were strowed on the ground.  
for before, etc.   

Next followed a Man like a Woman arrayed,  
With two Children on's back representing the Maid;  
Bewailing her crime, and accusing her fate,  
That had shown her a sense of her folly too late.  
for before, etc.   

Then came the old Farmer i'th' rear of the throng,  
With Rods of correction to drive her along,  
But his obstinate heart, with compassion was struck,  
When he on the Innocent Bantlings did look:  
for before, etc.   

Paternal affection his anger subdued,  
And pity prevailed when his passion was rude,  
Thus bandied about, betwixt pity and rage,  
The Yeoman appeared like a fool on the stage,  
for before, etc.   

Thus in Pageantry through the whole town they did pass,  
Until they arrived at the commical place,  
Where a Chair of Velvet in order did stand,  
Submissively waiting the Fellows command;  
for before, etc.   

The Stocks too with Velvet was thoroughly lined,  
Where an hour the Fellow was closely confined,  
But the Market with loud acclamations did Ring,  
And each man a present to th' Bumpkin did bring;  
for before, etc.   

For many repudiated lovers came there,  
With Bottles in hand their delight to declare;  
Where Bumpers went round, as 'tis credibly said;  
For a Health to the Man, that had tickled the Maid.  
For before, etc.   

While the Father and Daughter lamenting stood by;  
The Brats, with the shouts of the People did cry,  
Which more did augment to the pastime and show,  
Then all the proceeding Procession did to.  
For before, etc.   

Thus did the whole Market with Echoes refound,  
While the Fellow like Ba●chus with Glasses was Crowned:  
The people still roaring forth Volleys of Joy,  
Which quickly did fright this short hour away.  
For before, etc.   

When the time was expired, he mounted in's Chair,  
Was borne upon shoulders, like Knight of the Shire;  
And to the High Cross of the Town than they went,  
Where some hours in Music and Dancing were spent.  
For before, etc.   

A Consort of Fiddles this pastime did grace,  
And in jollity all the way home he did pass,  
Attended in state, with a numerous Train,  
Who waited him back to his Mansion again.  
For before, etc.   

And thus did this pleasant Solemnity cease,  
Which did the whole Country so mightily please,  
They swore by their Pan, that once every year,  
That day should be kept as a Festival there.  
For before I would tell you, etc.    

This may be Printed R. P.  
Printed for P. Brooksby at the Golden Ball in Pie-corner.