NOTES CONFERRED: OR, A DIALOGUE BETWIXT THE Groaning Board, AND A Jesuit: DEMONSTRATING THE Ambiguous Humour of the one, and CURIOSITY of the other.  
LONDON, Printed for R: Suitor, in the Year 1682.   

A DIALOGUE betwixt the Groaning-Board, and a jesuite.  Gentleman. 
BY your leave Gentlemen, I understand you have that wonderful Plank to be seen here, that is so noised throughout the whole Town, for Repartee.  Master. 
O Sir, the Town does too much honour it; Repartee! Alas, see it's but a board: It has indeed with Hums and Haws, delivered some bold Truths.  Gent. 
I have a great Curiosity to propose a few Questions to it; which by your leave, and the good Companies, may be divertive and advantageous, if you permit.  Mast. 
With all my Heart Sir, there lies the Oracle; First, let me tell you, that as for matters of State, those things have been demanded, and resolved, to the satisfaction of all the Town.  Gent. 
Nay, Sir, if you prescribe me Rules, you wrong my fancy; besides, Oracles are not always in humour: and many a fair opportunity has been Couched under Ambiguous Words, and lost for want of an Expositure.  Mast. 
Ambiguous Words! You think it's a cheat I suppose? Mr. Andrew, clap on the Irons.  Board. 
Hooo—  Mast. 
There's an Ambitious Humdrum for you Sir.  Gent. 
'Tis so indeed; forbear good Mr. Andrew, whilst I make use of your Master's Liberty, to propound a few questions to it.  Andrew. 
With all my Heart, pray Gentlemen expect but little flattery; the Plank was not bred in London, nor at Barn-Elmes neither.  Gent. 
Where ever thou was bred, it was not Nature, but Miracle, that gave thee language; and that thy Inspiration be not lost, or Dully-singed away by Mercenary hands, I do Conjure thee by that power that gave thee Tongue, to tell me what's the cause of these Elaborate Groans.  Board. 
O hooo, I know thou art a friend to Rome, I smell thy Beads, I can deny thee nothing. In Henery 's Days I bore a lofty top: the Workman's envy, and the Proud Axe ground, my solid body then divided was, and seasoned, to be Carved into an Altar: but Henry then declined, and I lay by, till Mary and St. Bonner, turned me o'er: 'Twas then that Holy Man devised a Rack, and I thought worthy, for the Blessed Work; But Mary was not fit for our lewd days, so we resigned her with our tears to Heaven: the Good Old Man blessed all he had begun. But Bess being Crowned, poor Bonner was no more: the Consecrated Engine she destroyed; But Bonner, virtuous Bonner, chose at his Death, rather than leave the Earth before the Glorious Work of Rome was done, to leave in me a Transmigrated Soul.  Gent. 
No more, I durst have sworn he had been in Heaven; I'll have ten thousand Masses Sung for him.  Board. 
Ten Thousand, and Ten Thousand, are in vain.  Gent. 
What an unfortunate man was I, to make this Public? The Bishop I am sure understood Latin, he could have answered me there.  Board. 
But you were kinder to this Auditory, then at your Chapel; yet let them have fair play for their money: and so pray go on Sir, if you desire any more from me.  Gent. 
Ave Maria, Plena Gratia.  Board. 
Ah, ah, ah, forbear good Sir, the Bishop never ordained you his Chaplain; If you will sing him a good Gentile Mass now, he will laugh at you when you have done.  Gent. 
This must be the Devil that answers; I'll fright him out, and torture him, for making use of the Reverend Bishop's name: there Sir, there's some Holy Water for you; how like you that?  Board. 
I, marry Sir, I grant you have reason now; half a pint of this, and two quarts of Brandy, will make a Capusheen swe●●● like a Jesuit; Pray how can you afford this a Gallon.  Gent. 
O never question the Rates, you shall not want, there's more for you.  Board. 
Now, now, a little of your Extreme Unction quickly, quickly, and kick me into Purgatory presently; what have you none? a little from the Lamp, 'tis all one, and has served a thousand times.  Gent. 
Detracting Spirit, 'twas then of the Lamp of the Lady Loretta's, which has the same operation.  Board. 
I know it, and begin to feel something like a turn of Reformation.  Gent. 
Reformation, I am abused, a Bishop of our Church and talk of Reformation; no, no, this is the Spirit of some Schismatic Lutherine or Calvinist; but I want not charity, though you do belief; there's more Water.  Board. 
O hold, good Father, I do confess I was the unfortunate Luther.  Gent. 
O Sir, are you so? what think you of marrying a professed Nun, and to deny your faith to serve your pleasure, and then defending Sezeme that has spread over the Christian World.  Board. 
A Schism Father, the Monarch said, let Faith defend itself; I looked upon the Maid with virtuous thoughts, and feared her Innocence might not secure that part I loved (her Soul) against the Serpentine and bloody jesuit, your Patron; Ignatius Lyales did not Head a Schism, but was in open Rebellion sure, when he proposed ways to his Holiness, for deposing or Murdering of Princes.  Gent. 
Prithee no more of that, 'tis all forgiven; Ignatius was to blame, and Belarmin was Rash, but they are Sainted, i'll divert this, speak without malice, where is St. Coleman now?  Board. 
Why? with St. Oliver, he says there was a Trick put upon him for his life, and Swears, There's no Truth in Man.  Gent. 
St. Whitebread, where is he?  Board. 
St. Peter and he are comparing of Notes, who most deluded the People.  Gent. 
St. Pickering, Goodman, where is he?  Board. 
St. Reveleack and he are hot in Dispute, whether he that attempts, or he that does the great Act, is most Honourable.  Gent. 
I am sorry there should be such Bickquerings amongst brave Spirits; but where is my old Friend St. Plunket?  Board. 
He stands to it yet, that he is as Innocent as the Child unborn, and though two of his Impeachers which are there, swore all was true.  Gent. 
Who are they pray?  Board. 
St. Bedloe, and St. Turbervile.  Gent. 
I, those are Saints indeed; you have St. College too, I suppose, pray what says he?  Board. 
Why faith, he speaks a great deal of Reason in his Cold fit, he Curses the Ignoramus Jury, that would not send his Lord and Patroon to him; he swears he has such a Plot, that M—th should be King, were he but here.  Gent. 
Then God preserve his Lordship, said I; Green, Berry, and Hill, how do they?  Board. 
Very merry, they laughed when they heard that T— was Pillared, but said he deserved it, for meddleing with what did not concern him; and as for Mr. P— they hearty forgave him. Now Sir, I have this request to you, that you would give my Master your Receiv against Worms and Maggets, which may preserve me as well as Joseph's Breeches: I have seen three pair of them, as fresh as those you ware; and to be friends Merry Andrew, with a hundred or two of nails of the Cross, I know there is several thousands of them: the Cross itself, you'll grant, is in a thousand pieces, though its all whole in several places too; The Virgin's Milk, nor these, are nothing to the Spanish and Mexicon Miracles; But now I desire a greater of you, (which is) to leave me without further trouble, and give Room to Company, which your Impertinence has hindered.  Gent. 
Farewell Jesuit.  Andrew. 
How! is he a Jesuit? let's secure him, we shall have Ten Pounds for Hanging of him.  Master. 
'Twere well got, but I question that mightily.  
FINIS.