THE HEU and CRY: OR, A. RELATION of the TRAVELS OF THE Devil and Towzer, Through all the Earthly Territories, and the Infernal Region, together with many of their most memorable Adventures in search after the lost HERACLITUS  
Written by N. N. M. A. and Chaplain Errand to his Excellency The Guide to the Inferior Clergy  
Per varios Cause, per tot discrimina rerum,  
Tendimus in Stygium.  
London, Printed for Roger C●…gger.   

To his Honoured PATRON, the GUIDE to the INFERIOR CLERGY.  
Honoured Sir,  
TO whom should I dedicate this Relation, but to yourself, who ●ear one of the greatest parts in it; This, besides those many Obligations I have received from you, hath emboldened me to lay this Book at your Feet. Many, 'tis like, of the Credulous World will censure me for relating a mere Fiction; But if they are so hard of belief as to mistrust the truth of your having been in Hell already, they are not certainly so damnably sottish, but that they think the Devil will have you in a short time, and then this may pass for a Prophesy. That our dear Friend HERACLITUS is gone, alas! it is too true; and you and he having lived the same lives, and acted alike, by most men you are doomed to the same destiny. You have written many tedious Observaters for the public good, and I ●●ite this Relation for the same end. Ah! how will it revive the Cockles of the Hearts of our Tory Friends to hear the Devil and you keep such Correspondence; ah! say they, now our cause must needs Flourish when our two▪ great Politicians agree so well. But I care not what the men of the World say of my Relation, let it pass for a mere Romance if they please, let it be the Continuation of Quevedo's Visions, which (you know) you Translated out of a Language you understood never a word of, and then why may not I complete it with a Relation I never heard nor saw any thing of. And to conclude, I assure you, if ever you take another Ramble it shall be Faithfully Related by  
Your most Humble Servant, and Chaplain. N. N.   

A Relation of the Travels of Towzer and Satan, (in search after the lost Heraclitus) through all the Earthly Territories, and the Infernal Region, etc.  
IT was then (when Discord newly sprang up, did Flourish in its Verdure; when Rogue and Whore were Epithets for Man and Wife, and Fool and Knave for Neighbours; when Babel's Bricklayers had Invaded England, and had made as many Dissensions in it, as they had Bricks to build their Edifice) 'twas then, (I say,) this Son of Discord called Heraclitus, Cadet to the Family of Prince Belzebub, came (by his Father's Commission) to Plague our Commonwealth. The History of his Life would be too tedious to Trouble the Reader with; And I only design to Relate his Departure. How the Devil it came about, I know not, but upon a certain day, the Wight stepped aside, and was never more heard of; various was the talk both of City and Court, Town and Country, what was become of the famous Heraclitus; some said, he lived a Fool, went out in a stink, and (if he were quite Deceased) died a Knave; others (and those were but few) had a little more Favourable Conjectures of him, and said he was only stepped aside to Barn-Elms, Epsom Wells, or some such place, and was caught in a Net they call a Petticoat; others said, he was drunk at the Prentice's Feast, and was yet asleep; this was again Contradicted by others, because (as they said,) he told the World in a Printed Pamphlet a little before he went away, he had a Design to Vanish, which made most think he was in Debt, and so gave his Creditors warning of his Rupture. This News was soon carried to his Infernal Highness, which cast him into such a Melancholy, you would wonder; he straightways puts all his retinue of Hellish-long-tails into Mourning, mounts his Fiery Chariot and ascends, and without any Ceremony drives away to Councillor Towzer, after a little Consultation it was agreed upon by these two Politicians, first, To take a Journey over the whole Surface of the Earth, and if he were not to be found there, they were resolved to seek Hell too, but they would find him. Being agreed upon by both parties, I was sent for from my Devotion (for by the way you must understand I use to say my Prayers, and tell my Beads sometimes) to attend his Excellency, My Patron, that hath so many Names in the World, some call him the Guide to the Inferior Clergy, others call him Towzer, and some call him Rogero del Bombardo, I (who am always Ambitious of Ho●o●r▪) hearing his Worship, Satan, was in the Company, went away with as much Alacrity, as if I had been Invited to a Christening to drink burnt Claret, and sup white Broth: I put my hat under my Arm, set my Gown in Pimblico, Entered the Room, and made a plaguy long Scrape with one of my hind Legs upon the Board's of the Chamber, and then told my Patron, I was come to wait on his Worship; My Patron bid me come nearer; but to say true, I did not much care for't, for the Old Gentleman called Belzeebub sat just by his Side in a great Turkey Chair; Heavens! I was in such a Fright, I thought verily, I should have defiled the case in the presence Chamber; but if I had, there was such a Stink of Assa-Foetida and Brimstone, it would have drownded such a puny Scent as this. At length my Patron opened his reverend Chaps and told me, he had designed to take a long Journey with that Gentleman, and I must go with him to perform the Office of a Chaplain. I told him I was his Humble Servant. But yet, methought, I did not Care much for Mr. Devil's Company, I liked him so ill at first Sight; for he Stared at me most damnably with a couple of Eyes as big as a pair of great Coach-wheels, and his Teeth looked just like the Spoaks. But knowing him to be one, that delighted in all kind of Wickedness, and my Patron to have a very good hand at it, and to say true, I did not much come behind my Patron neither; so Consideratis Considerandis, I thought we three might be very good Company; Then I made a very Reverend low Congee to Mr. Devil, and told him, I would wait on him and my Patron Towzer, whither soever they went. Towzer was all this while fitting himself for his Journey, getting all the necessaries for so tedious a Ramble; then he steps into his Closet and brings out a woundy great Pouch, which he told me I was to hang by my side on my Cirsingle, and then bid me withdraw, which (after the usual Ceremonies between men of such breeding as we three were) I did▪ But I had a month's mind to know what was in the Inside of this Pouch; when I came out into the Entry, I made bold to open it, and the first thing I laid my hands on, was a nasty bottom of Catsgut; then I plucked out 2 or 3 pound of Rosin, but yet there lay something in the bottom of the Pouch I was resolved t● see; opening, there ●ay the head of a Treble Violin, staring at me like the wrought end of a Constable's Staff, then putting all up again, ha'! Thinks I, we shall have a merry Journey of it, I find by my Fiddle. By this time the two Knights-Errant were ready to Sally forth, and I their Squire was as ready as they. Away we March in Pursuit of the lost Heraclitus; we had passed over many Melancholy Heaths, Desert Woods, and Unpeopled Forests, but heard no Tale nor Tidings of him; The Savage Boars rudely grunted at us, but told us no News of our dear Friend; the Ungentile wild Horses kicked and Farted at us, and turned us away without any News of Heraclitus; Then we retired to the jonesome Cottages, then to the more Populous Towns and Cities, but the Devil a bit of Heraclitus was to be found. But to see how Towzer behaved himself, Heavens! I thought verily I should have burst my Cirsingle with Laughter; Not a Post he came by but he lifted up his Leg and pissed against it, to see if it were a movable; not a Church, but he peeped in at the Keyhole, to see if Younker Crape were not reading the Burial over his Corpse; when ever he came in a way where there were many Turn and Wind, he let lose a Company of young Succub●s's (which he kept under the warm Influence of his Tail for suchlike Purposes) to range the Labyrinth to find out the Lost Ass; but all was in vain, the Wanderer was not to be found.  
Then Belzebub and Towzer resolved to descend, and search the nether Region after him; and I, forsooth, must go too with my Budget of Fiddle-strings at my Arse. We wandered for many days through Subterranean Holes and dark Caverns, as glooming as Hell its self; then we came to a broad Level; at a distance we saw a light hung out, by which we steered our Course; This Light was hung out at the Ferry, to conduct the Passengers, who were ●ound Hellward; Here we arrived, and then stalked down with Charon, and entered his Boat, where we found a great Company that were bound over; I looked about me to see if I could see any of my Profession there. (For though we Preach the Word of God to men, and perhaps send some Souls to Heaven, yet we indent with the Devil to have a part with him in Hell.) Here I found a great many of my Acquaintance, but they came without their Gowns on, and therefore I scorned to take any notice of them; our Ferry Boat skimed along the pitchy surges most bravely, and were quickly landed in the innermost Region. Belzeebuh commanded the door of Hell to be opened, which was soon done. Now you must know this door is kept by a great Mastiff Tike called Cerberus, who hath gotten three confounded great Heads, and upon every Head a Periwig of Snakes and Adders▪ This Dog some days before we arrived had angered the Queen Proserpina, and she still threatened him when her Prince came home, she would have him turned out of his Office, and a more deserving Cur put into his place; Now when he saw our Towzer, he thought this was the Whelp, that was to succeed him, and thereupon fell a growling and snarling at poor Towzer after a most Hellish manner; Towzer (who thought himself safe because he had gotten Satan and his Chaplain by his side) very fairly showed his snagling Teeth at him again, than the feud increased on both ●●des most vehemently, at length what does this Hellhound Cerberus do? But leap after a most barbarous manner upon poor Towzers back, sets his Holder's into his Fiddle (which he had tuned ready to play us a Flourish to welcome us into Hell) and broke it all to shivers, then bites him by the Back, Belly, Sides and Ears, at such a rate, that it made Towzer Roar most melodiously; nay this Damned Dog Cerberus had certainly killed him, had not Charon come just in the nick and beat him off with one of his Oars; So▪ this was the first adventure we made, and here Towzer came by the worst of it. Belzebub having been long▪ absent from his dear▪ Proserpina, could not but make her a visit before he sought any further. Towzer was m●d to go along with him▪ for he understood her to be a very beautiful Female, and at such kind of Creatures the Cur did continually lick his Chaps; to the Hellish Seraglio we march. And there having taken a view of the Queen and the splendid Ornaments of the Structure; from it (after we had taken our leaves of the Queen according to the Ceremonies of that Court) we go to search all these Territories after our Dear Friend Heraclitus; and in the first place we designed to walk along by the bank of the famous River Acheron; I was in hope when they took up the resolution first, we had been going to Travel by the side of some pleasing River environed round with verdant Meadows, Comfortable Willows and matted sedge for the Nymphs to sculk in; I promised myself a thousand sweets by the bank of this Stream, for I expected it to be no less than an Infernal Heli●on; Now, thinks I, I shall have mine Ears Charmed with the Melodious Voices of its warbling Sirens; mine Eyes feasted with the best Compositions of Natural Features; and all my senses wrapped up in the Contemplation of most beauteous Objects. But truly I was much deceived; The River was nothing else but a thick mixture of Pitch and Brimstone, and that scalding hot too; No Flowery Meads and Grass on its Banks, but Mountains of Sulphurous Ashes; No Melody, but the screetching and Howling of Damne● Souls▪ that were doomed to stay there no less then eternally; Here I saw poor Sisyph●s rolling up his Stone, while his M●●dere● Theseus sat on the top of the Hill bewailing his own Condition; here I saw Ixion tumbling on his Wheel, and Tantalus with his Stony ruff about his Neck, and his Apples bobbing at his Nose; here were different sorts of Punishments I looked about to find out the place where the Divines sa●e, for certain I was, I should not miss of finding some of their Reverend Souls in Bilbo; these I found at last in a long Melancholy place, all sitting upon stools of Repentance, and comparing the just decree of their Punishments with their own Sermon Notes; these I pitied, but alas! Pity and Repentance avail nothing to Damned Souls. But the best jest was to see how the poor Tailors were used; They were set upon their Heads in hot Caldrons, and a Company of Fiends were pricking their Bodies, and making Button holes in their Skins; these and the Lawyers were the most tormented, who were hung over the Hot Flaming Furnace by Geometry in Shreds of Parchment. But to see how Towzer looked, you would admire, he was as unconcerned as if he had been amongst his Tory Friends at Sam's, and valued no more the screetching of the poor Damned Souls, than he did the twang of his Fiddle. Now for my part (though I must confess, while I was on Earth, my Conscience was as hard as the Church Walls) now it began a little to melt. Now were we come to the end of the River A●●eron, and no News of our Dearest Friend Heraclitus; Now we are resolved to Range the Banks of the next River, the Immortal Styx. But before we could come to this River, we must past many Sandy Deserts and vast Mountains of Ashes, between which Mountains were many large spacious Vales, very well set with Trees, but these Trees are never green, and bear no Fruit, because of the noisome Vapours that arise from the L●ke▪ One of these▪ Vales was Inhabited by a company of Ladies, that had not committed so great Enormities as the others, and therefore were to be tormented with a small punishment here, till Jupiter should think fit to remove them to the Elysian-Fields; This place I verily believed to be the Purgatory the Papists tell us of. Now you must understand these Ladies have but two hours sleep allotted them in three days, and we happened to come in the time of their Repose; Towzer he opened so loud in search of Heraclitus, that on my Conscience if one had been pickled up in Opium he would have awakened one; this yelping of his, disturbed the drowsy Ladies, whose two hours' sleep was a precious Talent after so long a wake; they were mightily Enraged, and thereupon sent their Chambermaids to salute Towzers' Chaps with some Pisspots from their Chamber windows, but Pisspot take 'em all! For I am sure some of the Piss fell upon me, and scalded me most vengibly; for you must understand by the way, that they Piss nothing but Fire in Hell; But this Whelp Towzer got off all that fell on him only by shaking his Ears a little; Hence we depart and go down to the brink of the River, and inquire for Heraclitus, but no News at all; This River was a terrible flaming, stinking River, enough to strike Terror into a Saint. This was an extraordinary punishment for Extraordinary Sinners; Here were thousands of Bishops and many Pope's tumbling in their Tortures; here was Salmoneus King of Elis with many other Kings; Here lay the Danaides like stewed Owls in hot Caldrons, but yet in as bad a Condition as they were, we could scarce keep our Towzer from running through Fire and Brimstone to commit a Rape upon their Bodies. The Inhabitants of this River are very much troubled with Hurricanes, but of a far different Nature to those we have upon Earth, ours are cold, but those are most damnably hot; There happened one of these while we were by the brink of the River, which blew off Prince Belzebubs Hat into the deep, how to get it again we knew not; Belzebub commanded Towzer to swim and fetch it out, now Towzer was put to his trumps; Towzer he pleaded, he was no Water Spaniel, but a Bull-Dog, and that he commanded him to do a thing that was below him; Belzebub threatened to throw him into the River with a great Millstone about his neck if he did not fetch it presently; Towzer, he whined and was very loath to venture, sometimes he ran to the water side, than he goes again, puts one of his Forefeet into the Water, but the Water scalded his Toes, than he turns about and whines and yells most hideously. But as good luck would have it, there arose an Hurricane on the other side of the River, which blew the Hat to this, and so saved poor Towzer a Parboyling. This Styx is a terrible great River, and runs nine times about Hell; we had travelled by the bank of this River all round, and I think endured as much Torture in our walks as the Damned do in their Torments, many a weary step had we took, many a restless night had we endured, but no Tidings of Heraclitus; Now were we come just to the end of this River; But before we departed, Towzer would have Belezbub swear by the Stygian Torrent, That he would forgive him whatsoever Misdemeanour he did commit before he went out of Hell. Belzebub (because Towzer was a cordial Friend) took the Oath. Now Belzebub began to be weary, Towzer to hang an Arse, and I almost jaded off from my Legs, so 'twas agreed upon on all sides to leave seeking since we sought in vain, to cheer our drooping Spirits, and to return to the beauteous Proserpina to Court, there for a little while to lament the loss of our dear Heraclitus, and then enjoy all the pleasures of Prince Belzebubs Court: we set forward with all the speed imaginable, and at length arrived at our wished-for Harbour the Court, where we were entertained very kindly by the sweet natured Proserpina. Belzebub indeed behaved himself like a Gentleman, and treated us after an extraordinary manner with all the Dainties of the Infernal Region; Now did we every day Carouse in whole Rivers of Nectar, and eat the Manna of the Gods; but I am sure we had not eat one bit since we came into Hell before, for 'tis a damned barren Country for Provision; all the Courtiers gave us honour, and Towzer was not a little proud to have the company of so many fair Ladies, for you must know these Ladies that have suffered Purgatory in the Stygian Vales, when they are released, do (in their way to Elysian) spend some time in Belzebubs Court. Towzer he had gotten all the pieces of his F●ddle, and had patched them together, and every night went to serenade one or another of these Ladies; Every day we were at some noble Treat with them; and Towzer did wag his Tail and fawn most devilishly at them, and my foreboding Spirits did prophecy, that Towzer would make sweet work with them if ever he could get an opportunity. When ever we went to the Playhouse to see an Infernal Fir●● Acted (for know by the way this Court doth imp the Terrestrial in all their do) Towzer did gloat at the Ladies after a damned lecherous manner: now I, who did still keep company with Towzer, would be very crank upon the Ladies, would be glancing and cocking at them as I stood straddling in the ●it and they in the Boxes; I thought I might have the same Liberty in this Playhouse I used to have at that in whitefriars; But when ever I looked at them, Towzer 〈…〉 did ●●● me over the face with his ●●●gy Tail. And truly I took it in great dudgeon, but durst not speak a word; I did verily believe he had a lecherous design upon some of their Bodies, and knowing me to be a young brisk fellow, he thought his zeal and mine might jump at one and the same Quarry, for I must confess I was naturally very lewd, and I am sure I lost nothing by being acquainted with my Patron; one morning I heard Towzer very buisy in getting a Pen and ink, and in a short time he came and knocked at my Chamber door, gave me a Billet and commanded me to carry it to Proserpina's Apartment, with a great charge to deliver it to none but herself; I took the Billet, but by the way I was big with desire to know what was in the middle, and indeed, like a faithful Servant I broke it open, and took a Copy of it, which was as followeth.  
To the admirable Proserpina Queen of the Infernal Region.  
Most beauteous and thrice delicate Madam,  
I had not troubled you with this Billet could I have had any personal correspondence with you. Love that hath made Gods turn men, men became Gods, and Fiends turn Saints, hath made me your Martyr. I languish, I pine, I melt away in Love, and (dear Madam) if you make no return I die; that beauty of yours that made Pluto fetch you from Sicily hath conquered my heart, and you not only Reign the infernal Juno, but the all-charming Queen of Love. In short, Madam, without the enjoyment of your beautiful self I am undone; and s●eing I have resigned up my Soul to your Husband Belzebub, I can do no less than give my Body to the Wife Proserpina. Madam, I desire to know by the Bearer how you resent this Address; in the mean while I Remain,  
The meanest of your Votaries, Towzer.  
Having read this Billet, I was very much astonished at the Contents of it; What a devilish Dog (think I) is this Towzer? What a complaisant Cur it is? What a smooth, wheadling, insinuating Letter the Whelp hath drawn up? I was in an hundred minds in a quarter of an hour; sometimes I resolved to keep the Billet; then to give it to Belzebub and discover the villainy of Towzer, for to say truly my righteous Spirit began to rise at this nefarious design, whether it were out of a righteous Principle or no I know not, but I'll assure you my Divinity was much concerned in the case; Thinks I, what a vile Hellhound is this Towzer, to conspire the Cuckoldom even of Prince Belzebub? Oh Abhorrible Act? Not only to make the Devil a Cuckold, but make a Divine the Pimp! What an impious Scoundrel is this Patron of mine, to make me a Post to carry about such bawdy Epistles? But I thought if I gave the Billet to Belzebub the consequence of it might prove very fatal both to me and my Patron; and if I kept it, my Patron might have the impudence to have me condemned to sit upon a Stool of Repentance in the dusky Room of Styx amongst my fellows; so I took wit in my heat, and delivered the Billet to Proserpina, who took it and returned this answer immediately, which I broke up, and took a Copy of, as I did of the former.  
To the Right Worshipful TOWZER.  
I Have Received your Billet, and wonder at your Impudence in making such an Address, am not I Proserpina Queen of Hell? And you in respect of me, an Infamous Person? Do you think if I should tell my Prince of this, he would not Chain you to one of the Stakes in Barathraum to drive out your Natural heat with a greater? No, good Towzer forbear! I am meat for your Master, and take this as kind Advice from  
Kind Proserpina.  
This I brought to Towzer, who was almost mad till he knew how his Billet took with his Charming Proserpina, he goes into his Chamber and reads it; I heard no more News of his Dogship until the next Morning; for my part I was in bodily fear lest he should have hanged himself, and so I should have been forced to have gone home again by myself; but in the Morning betimes he was Scratching at my door for his Breakfeast, I arose and provided all things in order; but you never saw a poor Dog altered so in your Life, he looked as sour as a Cat at Stool, as Thinn as if he had not gnawed a Bone for a whole year together; I could not speak to him, but the Spanish Cur was ready to by't my Nose off; he walked about the Chamber, and pissed against all the Joint S●ools, and Chairs, for madness; then he would fetch a deep Sigh, Then crack a Fart, Then Howl and make a Conceited noise like Cats a Whipping. I veryly thought the Devil was in the Whelp, or that he was Bewitched; away he goes on a sudden, and in a short time brought me this Billet, which he commanded me to carry to Proserpina as I had done the former.  
To Proserpina Queen of the Infernal Territories.  
Madam,  
NOtwithstanding your Angry Return, I make bold to adventure on●e more, knowing I can but come off with a positive D●nial. Denials Increase Love, and Yours hath Increased me to such a Degree, that all the B●ll●ws of the Ocean cannot quench it, I ●●●me in love; Daggers, Poisons, Furies rid me of my Life, I cannot love H●ll n●● Heaven, while I am not Beloved of you. Therefore sw●●t Madam consent to my Request, for I Remain,  
Your eternal Admirer, Towzer.  
This I gave to Proserpina, who, when she had read it over, came to me and bid me tell my Patron, That he was a Coxcomb, and that she would acquaint her Prince with his vile Designs; to my Patron's Lodgings I went, where I found him in a great Readiness to receive an Answer, I told him Proserpina had sent him no Letter, but bid me tell him, That he was a Vile Whelp, a Mangy, Maggot-arsed Cur, and that she would tell Belzeebub he did intent to Ravish her. This made To●zer Scratch his Pole most confoundedly, and Stalk away as if he had been going to be hanged. We kept our constant course of Visiting the Ladies as we used to do, and every Morning we took a walk in Belzebubs Privy-Garden, where Towzer got a great Acquaintance with the Female Sex; so I got leave of him to go into the Suburbs of the Court, for I was very curious to see the fashions and manners of it, hoping if once I got safe out of it, never to return again; I was absent from Court about a day and an half, at my return I found the Court in a very great Hubbub, People running up and down the Streets as if the Devil had driven them; I saw they did all Resort to one great House, that was not far from the Court, thither I went, where I found a numerous Congregation, this I presently mistrusted to be a Court of Judicature, because there Sat some great ones in their Pontificallibus, seeming as if they Inteaded to give Judgement upon some Male actor or other, I was very desirous to see the proceed of this Court, and therefore crowded up as close as I could; presently I heard a great shout, make room for the Prisoner, and every body gave way; but bless mine Eyes! who should this Prisoner be but our To●zer led up in a long string, with a great brass Coller about his Neck; But to see how Doggish the Cur looked! he laid his Ears in his Pole, his Tail between his Legs, and looked as if he would have devoured the whole Society: Well; here stood Towzer a Criminal, the first clause of his Accusation was read, which was, That Towzer was Convicted both of Dishonesty and Lechery. They demanded of him if he could say any thing for himself. Towzer very Jesuitically told them, as to his being dishonest, in one Sense it was true, and in one sense it was not; as he was Servant to Belzeebub he did confess he was not honest, yet as he was a guide to the Inferior Clergy, he was, for they have some grains of Allowance for Knavery; in like manner he answered to the other, he said, Quatenus homo, i. e. quatenus Rogero deal B●mbardo, he was very Lecherous; but quatenus Towzer i. e. quatenus Dog, he was very chaste; for says he, Dogs are of a hot Constitution by Nature, and besides there is no Act against their going to Bitch-watching: none of the Hellish Sophisters could say any thing against these Distinctions; But now the fatal clause was read, viz. That Towzer had Committed a rape upon the Body of the Queen Proserpina. No musty Distinction would serve turn here, Proserpina was produced, and several other Witnesses; every one deemed, Towzer would be hanged, for who could have thought he had any thing to say against so clear Evidence. But you shall hear how the Politic Cur got off. If you remember I told you before, at our Departure from the Stygian Lake, Towzer made Belzebub swear by the Stygian Torrent, That whatsoever Misdemeanour he should commit before he went out of Hell, he would forgive him. Now you must understand when a God swears by this Torrent, the oath is so obliging, that if he break it, he loseth his Godhead, and is to drink no Nectar for a hundred year, this Oath Towzer put Belzebub in mind of, who rather than lose his Godhead and forseit his Nectar, would be a contented Cuckold of Towzers making, and so they were both very good Friends again. Now is Towzer in as much repute at Court as ever, but Proserpina had marked him for a foul Cur, and cared very little for his Company. Now I knew not how this rape was effected, nor nothing of the Circumstances of it, and therefore I was almost distracted to hear how he did it  
One Evening as I was putting his Dogship into his nightly litter, I asked him the time when, and the manner how he accomplished his design. He ●old me one day as he and I were walking in the Orchard, into which there is a door opens from Proserpina's Apartment, he was walking a little before me, and found Proserpina a sleep upon a Bank of Camomile, and then he did the . I well remember the time, for I thought he would have made a bite upon my body, he was so fierce to have me gone out of the Orchard; but looking about out of curiosity, I remember I saw him scratch with his face and hind Legs in the Grass, as Cats do when they are going to dung in the dust but I did not in the least imagine he had any such lewd project in his head. Now were we almost cloyed with Court dainties, our dear fri●nd Heraclitus was not to be found in all Hell, though we thought this climate did agree best with his Body, Towzer craved leave to return to his dear Joanna again. Belzebub was very loath to part with his b●loved Towzer: after a short pause, Wrll quoth Belzebub; Towzer thou most deserving ●f thy Sex, thou art my Darling, my Beau●● so●, and I will not l●ave thee until I have Conducted thee to th●… whence I brought thee. Having taken our Leaves of Proserpina and the Co●●t Ladies, Towzer, Belzebub and I, march Earthward again; Cerberus opened his door very willingly, and Charon soon wafted us over, but told us by the by, it was for Belzebubs sake he Rowed us back again, for of those many Millions of Souls he carried into Hell, he brought none out. Now were we to climb the steep Caverns of the desky, cold, and Watery Earth, never did poor-Mortals-suffer such a Torment; This was indeed a Punishment little inferior to the Tortures of Barathrum, nothing had we to take hold of, but the loosened grots of Earth, that gave way as fast as we laid our hands on them; nothing to set our feet upon but pieces of Earth, that moulded away from under us. Heavens! I never was in such a Condition in all my Life, sometimes I should be ascended a pretty good way, then ●y hold would slip and I should tumble down, to the bottom again: my Sides were all bruised, my Bones out of Joint, and some of them broken, Swollen Blisters did stick as fast to my Sides as Jews ears to an Elder. This sad condition brought me in Mind of the saying of the Poet: 
Est facilis D●census Averni, sed Revocare Gradum  
H●c Labour, hoc Opus est.  
With Care we Slide to H●ll; but Oh the pain!  
Those Wretches take, that do come back again.   
Nay, on my Conscience, I had never got about again had it not been ●or Towzer, he set his Claws into the Stones and Earth, and Scrabled up lustyly, and truly I was feign to hang by his Tail, and so he drew me up into my proper Element once more, now are we got into our Native Country. Away march the illustrious Belzebub and his Magnificent Towzer to a Victualling-house at the Sign of the Gun, where the goodly Joanna had provided a sumptuous Supper Roasted with Observators, and Cooked by the one eyed Bastard. And I went to see if no body had thrown my Church ●ut at Windows, but Heavens be praised! I found it just as I left it.  
FINIS.