A PARLIAMENT OF LADIES: WITH THEIR laws NEWLY ENACTED.  
Printed in the year 1647.   

A PARLIAMENT of LADIES, with their Laws newly Enacted.  
PApirius was the name of divers noble Romans: one whereof had to surname Praetextatus: the reason was, because in his youth he had the understanding of an Elder; who being a child, and carried by his Father into the Senate, where they were to debate and determine of weighty affairs concerning the State of Rome: his Mother at his coming home, asked the Boy what was the cause of their so often meeting, and what was concluded in the Senate that day? which he apprehending, that he was not to reveal, remained silent; but his Mother further importuning him, and threatening him, with the rod, that unless he would acquaint her with all their proceedings, she would whip him soundly: both to avoid the prejudice that might happen, if he should have revealed the Secrets of the Senate, and to satisfy his Mother for the present, he told her, that they had made a Decree, and established it, that it should be lawful for every man to have two Wives. Upon which, she presently without any more ado, sent to the chief Matrons in Rome, that it would please them to vouchsafe to come to her house, and she would acquaint them with such a Project that her Husband and theirs had done in the Senate-house that day, and to their prejudice, as wanted precedent or example.  
At which Summons, many or most of them gave her a Visit, where she reveaied unto them the whole business, as it was repeated by her young son Papirius, and desired their assistance how to prevent it, and for that, to enter into present Consultation how they might abrogate that Law, and instead thereof, that every woman might have two Husbands: this was no sooner noised in the City, but it was presently bruited in the Suburbs, and before they could propose any thing to be concluded, there was a great noise of rapping at the Door; they sending to know the cause thereof, answer was returned them, that there were a great many of tradesmen's wives, who understanding the causy of that meeting, desired to have their voices in the counsel; alleging withal, that though the Matrons were Noble, and they but mechanics and poor tradesmen's wives, yet no Parliament could be held, but there must be a Lower House, as well as a Higher, and Speakers for both: and further, that nothing could be concluded in the higher, but it must first be debated in the lower: Upon which reasons they were admitted, and a great Parlour serving for a Parliament House, every one took their places according to their degrees: and which was a wonder among Women, they suffered one to speak at once, which was the Mother of Papirius, who said as followeth.  
To you, as well of the Manufacture as of the Matronship, I speak to all in general, I have known a Lord contented with one Lackey, a Master with one Man, a Tenant with one Landlord, a Bird with one Mate, a Cow with one milkmaid, and shall a man desire to have two Wives, that (alas) with all he can do, can hardly please one? nay, grant them two, in time they will grow to ten, from ten to twenty, and than what a racket there would be, who should rule the Roast? nay, I have heard of one that had once a thousand Wives and Concubines: Now out upon him for a Jew (said a second) and taking the tale out of her mouth, thus proceeded: Methinks they should have consulted, that women might have had two strings to their Bow, that if one slipped the other might hold; one for week days to drudge within doors, another for holy days to walk abroad with her, and usher her in his best clothes; keeping one for delight, the other for her drudgery, to which motion, they with an unanious voice consented. Then up starts a third, and said, our Sex is now of late grown Cowards, carpet and curtainehearted: Where be those magnanimous and Masculine spirited Matrons? those valiant Viragoes? those lusty Ladies: those daring Amazonian Damsels, Orithena, Penthisilaea, Thalestres, and the rest, who made coxcombs of Keysars, Puppets of Princes, Captives of Captains, Fools of Philosophers, and Henchmen of their husbands? but though we want weapons, and are abridged of their arms, yet they shall know, that we have the Law in our own hands, and in our own cases we will be our own Lawyers, and plead our own rights. For we have tongues to tell our own Tales, and our Tales shall be heard and handled, when some of theirs shall not: What, give these Cocks leave to crow, and we shall have the Ravens follow after.  
These words were spoke with such an Emphasis, that there was a general hum throughout all the Parliament parlour: then there was a motion made, that every one for the present should put in a particular of their own grievances: First, upstarts one Mis. Rattle, a tailor's wife, and said, I think the Proverb may be very well verified in my husband; which is, that many tailors go to the making up of one man; for he hath no more mettle in him then a mouse, he works altogether with hot needle, and burnt thread; for nothing he doth prospers with me. I think the reason is, because he uses an unlawful Yard, and wants that handful which belongs to the City measure, or else because he sits cross-legged on his shop-board, like a dead Hare on a poulterer's stall, and no good work can be done that way. If at any time he make me a new petticoat, he will threaten to sit upon my skirts, and that's all: He will sow and sow, and yet when he hath done all he can, it proves but so and so, and with that she put finger in the eye and wept.  
Nay, another Gossip seeing and pit●ying the poor puling creature, rose up, and said, I take it, your best course Mistress Rattle, is to acquaint yourself with some Courtier his Customer, and when any Masque or show is to be presented at Court, he may help you to a good standing. Then another starts up and said, my name is Frank Fall-down, a feltmakers wife, and know no more from my husband of the three parts that belong to a Noun-Substantive but the first, & that is felt, and nothing else worthy to be heard or understood. Sisly the saddler's wife sat next. Nay, you may take me too in your number, for my case is as much to be condoled as any's who have a very pea-goose and Patch-pannel to my good man: well his girths or latchets may pass for currant, but I could never see a good stir-up from him since he was my husband: I confess he is saddle-nosed and saddlebackt too, but never could set the saddle on the right horse since I knew him; to whom the Hors-coursers wife called Hairbrain, replied, my good man in his customer, who keeps the saddle to himself, but gives me the bit and the bridle; he can teach his horses to pace as he list, but for himself he hath neither good amble, trot, nor gallop.  
After them Grace the goldsmith's wife, Sarah the silkman's, Kate the Comfit-makers, Beatrice the braziers, Parnell the Apo●●●caries, Maudlin the Masons, Winifred the wire-drawers, Dorothy the Drapers, &c. every one laid down their several grievan●●●; which as they were attentively heard, so they were much to be commiserated (I am loath to insist on too many, therefore for brevity's sake let these suffice for the rest) than consolation was had how to rectify what was amiss, for the general good of their Sects, how to rest the power in men from wronging their wives, that thenceforward they might live in the more ease, pride, pomp, and liberty; for which they thought fit that good and wholesome Laws should be enacted.  
The fift was Mrs. Tattle-well that spoke, who said, that it was not only fitting but necessary, that every woman should have two husbands; for said she, was not every woman born with two legs, two hands, two eyes, two ears; and every deep Well ought to have two Buckets, while one is coming up, the other going down: have not most great houses two doors? likewise have not most taverns a fore-door and a backdoor, with two signs and two bushes, every ship a foremast and a mainmast; most Cities two or three gates, and every gate three or four watchmen; and every Beadle three or four men every night in his lantern, or else their money? hath not every stool or chair three or four legs, and every Bed stead two posts (and three or four Curtains) the better to support the other parts of them; and therefore in conscience every Woman may have two husbands; for have not we women six senses, & men but five? the major part we know includes the minor; therefore the case is clear on our sides; for we have nothing to offend and defend ourselves but our tongues, which we bring in for another sense; for the tongue tells what the ear hears, what the eye sees, what the hand handles, what the palate fasteth, what the nose smeleth; therefore the tongue ought to be the six sense▪ which we must maintain for our own safety▪ though woman was taken out of the side of man, yet let, men know, that they cannot, nor shall not always keep us under.  
I put the case to you, suppose a handsome lass marries a Seafaring man, perehance his occasions call him to go a long voyage to Sea, as to the East or West Indies, or to the straits of Magellan, the reed or red-Sea, or to the Persian gulf; he is bound to stay a year, two or three, before he can return; do you (nay prithee good sister, let me not be interrupted in my speech: pray silence, or I will say no more; for I now speak to the purpose) as I have said do you think it convenient such a pretty soul should lie alone, having been wedded so short a time, and only tasted of you know what, and having been a fellowfeeler and helper in most cases, for the Commonwealths good, that she can be content to lie alone tumbling and tossing in a good featherbed, sometimes to the wall, sometimes to the door, sometimes of one side, and sometimes of the other; sighing and groaning, as if her very twatling-strings would break; making her moan to the curtains, fumbling and biting, or tearing the sheets, and by that means ease her oppressed body and mind; nay, I should not say oppressed body, for there I was mistaken, there my tongue went too fast▪ I should have said her troubled and perplexed spirit, heart, on what you term it, ought not▪ I say, such a woman to have two Husbands? Yes, yes, said they, being always provided, and for the good of the commonwealth: So likewise the soldier and Captain when they are gone to the Wars, the Merchant, the Factor and the Mariner when they are gone to Sea, a foolish plaintiff and his Defendant that will come up Post two or three hundred miles to spend his money, and stay a whole term before he return to his beloved: ought not these (and many more which I could name, which for brevity's sake I omit) to leave one Husband at home, while the other, being at Sea; looks to the main boling, and that the foremast, and main-yard, and all other tackling be fit and complete for his occasions: The Factor while he looks to cast up his accounts abroad, she may look and cast up here at home: The plaintiff and Defendant while they be spending money at Law, she may get some at home by Love. All these cases are to be considered; for every Musket must have a Scouring-stick, and every Gun must have a Rammer, and every pen must be dipped in Ink before it will write: Has not every Constable his Beadle, every sergeant his Yeoman? hath not every Officer in a Ship his Mate? as the chirurgeon he hath his Mate, the Master his Mate, and the Gunner his Mate: It is good to have two strings to ones Bow, if one break the other may hold: that if one be dogged and surly, the other may be pleasant and jovial; that while one be off the hooks, the other may be on the hinges: Upon which motion it is fully agreed upon by us Women, who are here present, which find i● better for us women to have 2 husbands, that if one be sick, the other may be well, one abroad, another at home: and this was miss Tabitha Tireman, and all giving out it may be a great means to abolish the old custom of making cuckolds: ere she could proceed, they all cried it up for eurrant. But let me tell you one thing, which might put a rub in our way: what if our husbands object & say, that we promised to love & obey them at the time of our marriage, & that we must be tied to that promise? By our Lady that's true, said they, what must be our plea for that? I'll tell you, said miss Tatle-well, let us answer thus much in that behalf; that we had a mental reservation, when the wisest of us said so; for though our husbands expect it at our hands all our life-time, we must say, that we meant it only for that day & the first night, & no longer; & therefore by this means we may wave the business, & repeal that Law: whereupon they all agreed to it by general consent, & a great commendation bestowed on miss Tatle-well for finding out this mystery & evasion, which was set down at first by these men by way of error and mistake. Then miss Prudence Prate-al said, let it be likewise enacted, that since Maids for the most part marry in haste, and repent at leisure, that we may be hasty also in our own houses, that if our husbands be peevish, we may pout; when they are harsh we may be humorous; they cursed we crabbed; & when they think to make us melancholy, we in requital strive to make them horn-mad▪ by making our petticoats our purlieus: at which if they grudge or grumble, we may find answers by looking on our apronstrings; knowing by experience that most men are of a strange kidny, & will never be quiet full nor fasting; this also past among the rest. The next that spoke in court was a mad wench, called Bess Blue, or Blot-book a scriveners' wife, who also desired, that one thing might be rectified concerning her husband's trade, that in all Contracts, Covenants & Jointures made betwixt bachelors & maids, widows & widowers the often word Notwithstanding, may be razed out, & instead thereof, always provided as often put in: the want of which reformation, said she, I have endured to my prejudice: to this they generally consented & desired it might be pricked down with an Imprimimis. In then comes gihen Elinor Ever-cross with her five eggs, & said, she desired to have another added, which should not be addled: my husbamnd, said she, in anger said, he would thump me; to wh●●● answered, thump me? where wilt thou thump me? thump me but where th●●● shouldst thump me, or i'll make it the dearest thumping that ever thou d●●● thump in thy life: & I think I hink I hit him home, which was more th●● ever he did to me, & then I had him on the hip: & you should have kept him so when you had him there (replied Mary malapert) if you had been wise: But concerning your great thumpers, concerning him who said that a Law might be made, that no woman should suffer herself to be thumped but as she ought to be; to whom the whole Court willingly condescended.  
Thus said Mistress Dorothy Do-little, I hold it requisite also, that every woman of sense should take delight to please her eye with the most curious objects, either of such pictures as we like, or such men as we love: Her ear rather with curious and choice music, or have some Courtship that may content her, or somewhat published in her praise: Her smell rather with sweet and redolent flowers at home, or precious odours and perfumes fetched from abroad: Her touch either with the Pluch and taffetas of her own gay garments, or by the griping of his smooth and soft hand whom she most dearly affected: Her taste with all dainty and dear fare, with either Fowl or Fish, with sweet Wines and sweet Meats, Banqueting and Junkets, and every variety that can taste the appetite, or please the palate. And for our more ease, let us lie a bed till ten of the clock, and then have a Caudle brought to our bed side, for our breakfast; and be ready by dinnertime, & then walk abroad to take the air till suppertime; and so spend the week about and if they ask the reason thereof, tell them it must be so, because it must be so; and let them understand, that Monday is Sundays brother, and that Tuesday is such another; Wednesday they must go to Church & pray and Thursday is half holiday; Friday it is too late to begin to spin, and Saturday all the world knows is half holiday again.  
You speak well in that, said Mistress Bridget Bold face: for why should we toil and turmoil for our horn-headed and hard headed husbands, & not taste of the sweet as well as of the sour, of the gain as the pain, the pleasure as the pucelle. If the Husbands be ours, then be their goods ours, their Lands ours, their Cash and coin ours, and all their moveables, (howsoever seldom in motion ours too) and at our command; then why should we be niggards, and not spend freely of our own? or why, when they be prodigal abroad, should we be penurious at home? nay, let us eat good fare, keep good fires, want nothing that Women should have, good cat●s after good company: we can then bid any God▪ speed without good gossips. It is fit we should be merry, so it fall within compass of means: and for my own part, I make use of the old proverb;  

Every good huswife, as soon as she's up▪  
Hath her hand in the Cup▪ board▪ her nose in the Cup.   
Which also was agreed upon with such an unanimous consent, that this Law above the rest should be writ in great Letters, to distinguish them from the rest, as best corresponding with most of their conditions. Further let it be enacted, said Anne ever-cross, that whosoever shall hereafter take a Wife, shall do it with the intent to please her, serve her, and obey her: and the first day of their Bridals, as a sign and token of duty to her, and all the rest, place her at the upper end of the Table; or if she like not that place, put her in the middle, and with his hat in his hand wait on her till she hath half, or at the most three quarters dined; and then (if he have leave) to sit down, which must be done by her licence▪ that he place himself at the lower end of the Table, and make a short meal till they be ready to take away; and that at Supper he do the like: and after that she go to Bed first▪ and rise last; and not attempt any thing, but that stands with her good liberty and liking: and this past amongst the rest for currant.  
Then rose up one Mistress▪ Rachel Rattlebooby, and said, I entreat that I may have a finger in the pie too as well as the rest; a fool's bolt (like my husbands) is soon shot, and so is mine: When I was as well in health as any here, I complained to my good man of my Heart and Head, my Liver and my Lungs; and ●indeed) I know not of what: who coming home, said, Wife how do you do? I answered, Sick, good man, very sick: then the fond Coxcomb bid me speak for any thing I had a mind unto; for, saith he, no question▪ but thou dost breed: I, I, said I, I do breed, but you never get me any thing: no▪ saith he, who gets it then? I told him again, that it was no matter to him who gets it; for sure, said I, I may long & long, but shall be sure to come short of what I long for: why, what dost thou long for, said my husband? For that (quoth I) which is beyond your reach, iwis: Silk gown and satin Petticoat of the fashion, an Italian cutwork Handkerchief, & a black Bag, with all the appurtenances thereto belonging. I but, said he, sweet Wife, these are above my Calling: Why then, said I, mine own Calling shall serve, for the next gallant Player I will call in, who, what he cannot add to the happiness of your memory, shall strive to augment in your honourable state of matrimony: And this she desired to be registered amongst the rest; at which, some were unwilling that it should pass, yet the major part were so fully bent, that it was set down by the she-Scrivener in Paper, and after in Parchment, to be endorsed.  
Mistress Tabitha tear▪ sheet then stood up, and began to puff & snuff, and said, she wondered why men should take so much upon them, when one woman is able, upon her own knowledge, to bring ten of them, and take them one after another, upon their knees: therefore, said she, add this to the other; let women from henceforward, if they be sh●eerish or shy, try it out with them at sharp; or if beetle-headed and blockish, with blunter weapons.  
But Mistress Dorcas Do-little was out at that, saying, she loved her ease and quiet, and said, that the safest way (as she thought) was to sleep in a whole skin; yet, saith she, my husband is a Gamester, and as he games abroad, so I play at home: if he be at bowls, & kiss the Mistress, I can for recreation play at Rubbers with his man: when he hath been all the day at Passage, & Hazard, at night he comes home and plays with me at Doublets, Barrames-ace, and Back-gammon: but I am sometimes even with him; for when he with his sweethearts ventures his state at the hole, with his servant can pass away the time at In and In.  
After spoke Mistress Rachel Rattle-a-pace, and said, as I hold Mistress Dorcas, that lawful which you do, so I hope, that I bringing my sack to the Mill, it may be ground among the rest; that is, when our Husbands trouble us, we may likewise torment them: if they fret, we frown; they grudge, we grumble; they prate, we glout; they cross, we cursed; if they bend their brows, we may bend our fists; and be they never so outrageous, we to carry no coals in any case.  
But let it then be added (saith she that sat next) that no reconcilement without some reward, & no pardon may be granted without a new gown and petticoat, which if demurred upon, at the first or second demand, it shall be in her choice to ask him the third: and if he cog & ofter to kiss you, and tell you that he will kiss you, bid him take you about the middle and kiss the heaviest end: or if he fail, she may read him a Juniper Lecture, as far as the scope of her invention, or the scarcity of breath will give her leave. Or if he, notwithstanding all this, be peevish and perverse▪ she may also continue proud & peremptory, till she raise him into reconcilement▪ and make him provide a Feast to entertain her Gossips, and make his peace that way.  
And then said another, taking the tale out of her mouth; if she have a mind to take the air, or walk to Green▪ goose fair, or to any merry meeting, or Market; if she desire his company, that he new black his shoes, and put on his best Hat & cloak to wait on her thither, ushering her before, or take her gently by the arm, and lovingly to lead her: or if (for some reasons best known to herself) she would have his absence, that be patiently put money in her purse, and stay at home without grumbling.  
All this while good Orders and Decrees with a general silence was observed, which after grew to a mere confusion: for the rest having much matter to utter, some got up to the tongues end▪ & had not the patience to stay the time, and take their turns: but all of these who had not yet spoke, tumultuously breaking out into clamour, every one desiring to be heard first, and the more they were heard, the less they were understood: one cried out, let not Maids stay from Marriage till they are troubled with the greensickness: another said, that if their Husbands reveled in the Hall, they might rule in the kitchen; and if they offered to domineer, they might spoil their meat in dressing; a third, that if their husbands came home drunk, they might lock them out of doors, and whilst she took her rest in her cabin, leave him to take up his lodging in the kennel: a fourth, that if they prated to be heard, they might pour a pisspot on their heads▪ and if after complaint were made, they might answer, they meant neither murder nor manslaughter, but what they did, was see▪ defendendo: with many others, to as▪ little or no purpose▪ by reason of which acclamation and noise, the Session was for that time to be dissolved; but after an O yes, silence being made, it was concluded amongst them, that with those Articles agreed upon, they should presently pass from thence to the statehouse, and deliver up their grievances to them.  
But one thing we have forgot, said they, which is a main matter, that is, to seek out cure for any old or young Cuckolds: then spoke Mistress Dorothy Do-little, and said: my good man came home drunk the other day, and because I should not see him in that manner, he hid himself in the house of special Office, and there he began to ease his stomach, and lay about him like a Hog, when he hath eaten so much that he is ready to burst: and because I should not hear him; he thrusts his head into the hole, and whether it was his large ass's ears, or his bull neck, I cannot tell, but he looked as if he had been on the Pillery. Upon which relation they all fell into a great laughter, and withal concluded that it was his horns.  
For Actaeon, said they, put his head out of the window well enough, but could not get it back again, which was long of his horns: this, said they, is your husband's case. I pray you Mistress Tattle-well, said she, tell me, and the rest of our sisters the cure and remedy for it. Thus you must do (said she) my dear and loving sisters, because the effect lies at the heart, and the cause in the head, you must first remove the cause, and the effect will follow. First, you must carry down the grief by his Posteriors, which must be done by a medicine that will both purge and comfort him at one and the same time; for desperate diseases must have desperate cures: get I say, (I speak to you all, as well as to you Mistress Do-little) a gallon of the best Pump-water, such as will bear the Patentees Crown-soap, that will scour well, then set it on the fire in a brass Skellet, and put therein a good large bedpost, and let it boil till it be dissolved to a jelly, then take it off the fire, and put three or four sorts of spices in, as Cloves, Mace, nutmegs: then take two or three ounces of sugar-candy, two ounces of the syrup of hearts-ease and dainty Content, with an ounce of Candid forgetfulness, and Better Conceit, all this is cordial: then when it is cool, put in a little Rubard, a little Coloquintida, a little Stibium, and some gross and Long white Pepper, then let it boil softly, and when so done, the next morning let the patient man drink it next his heart, and keep him warm: but you must be careful that it be given him when the moon is near the full; not when she is forked or horned, lest you lose your labour and cost: for the moon loves horned people, which are sometimes like herself: but when she is near the full, she is then indifferent, whether horned or not horned, all is one to her, and therefore may then best be performed.  
Now the inward remedy being applied, he must then observe the outward means: he must conceit himself a bachelor or widower again, as he was at the first state when he came a wooing to her: then must he make himself a mourning suit and cloak, and walk as demurely and as sad, as if his wife were dead indeed: he must likewise be so well conceited of himself, as if no such thing had ever been or thought of▪ then he must refrain her company; and the house where she is, eight or ten days together, then begin to inquire of her, as if she were a stranger to him, afterwards visit her, and then send her presents, and make much of her, then make good cheer, and when you are in a merry vein, ask her if she can love you? then will she say presently, yes, if you can affect her: then get a licence, and forthwith marry her: that being done, see then if any dare so much as point at you with their fingers, or call you Cuckold as formerly they did, if they do, then have you the civil Law on your side to punish them there, and an action at the Common Law for defamation, and their punish their purses and body too; and this is the only cure for old and new Cuckolds: and withal take notice, that this must be done when the Moon is increasing, and in the second quarter, for it will help their business forward, and cause them better to conclude their intended purposes: and this being done, it was approved for a certain and approved remedy; and so they both joining their hands and their hearts, as no doubt they had done before, he promising that she should (seeing so great a cure had been wrought upon him, with the regaining of his crdit and honesty) once again be received into his love and favour; and she on the other side promising him to be obedient to all his demands, and never again to pollute the Marriage-bed: striving to vilify the old Proverb, Once a whore, and ever a whore.  
And now (with no common pace) trudge these Parliamenters towards the Senate-house to have their grievances there known; who rapping at the door where the Conscript Fathers were then in council: the mother of Papyrius was presently admitted, to deliver unto them the minds of the rest, which were fairly written; which when they had read and understood, they were greatly amazed; but after more narrowly sifting how all this business came about, some laughed, some lowered, some it served for pleasure, to others for perplexity; but in conclusion, they greatly condemned their wife's levity and inconstancy, but indulgently commended the Lads silence and taciturnity.   

The chief Heads of the Lady's laws.  
FIrst, that instead of allowing men two wives, women, especially the stronger and greater vessel, should have two or three husbands.  
That women might vex, perplex, and any way torment their husbands.  
That women may twang it as well as their husbands.  
That women may feast, banquet and gossip, when & where they please.  
Likewise it is thought fit and convenient by us▪ that all rich and stale bachelors do forthwith marry poor widows that have no means to live on, and so become Fathers the first day.  

Item, That it is thought 〈◊〉, that rich widows shall marry gentlemen's youngest sons that have no means to maintain themselves.  
Item, It is concluded and fully agreed upon, that all women shall have their husband's Tenants at wil●; and that▪ they shall do them Knights service, and have their homage paid before every sunrising, or at every week's end, or at utmost between the quarters, not a day longer to be defered, unless it be in the dog's days.  
Item, Let our husbands remember, though it be a trick of them to forsake our beds in the dog's days, yet let them take notice their is no dogs nights, and that it was at the first but a trick of their own invention to save their labour and money too: which act we disallow of for ever.  
Item, That no Yeoman or Husbandmen shall keep, or suffer to be kept in their house, barn, or Stable, any cock or cocks▪ that will not tread his Hens: especially, when the Hens thrust their heads under the cock's neck, &c.  
Item, That that man which promises a pretty Maid a good turn▪ and doth not perform it in 3. months, shall lose his what do you call them.  
Item, That if any Jesuite return into our Land again, being once banished, that he shall be gelt or libbed, to avoid jealousies of our husbands.   
FINIS.