NEWS from COVENT-GARDEN; OR, THE Town-Gallants VINDICATION.  
BEING The Debates and Result of a famous Club of Wits, and Men of Humours and Intrigues, assembled for the Damning of the late Character.  
LONDON, Printed for J. T. 1675.   

NEWS from Covent-Garden: &c.  
SEveral pretended Gallantissimo's of the Town, being met( according to an Assignation for that purpose) on Thursday last, to take into their All-disposing consideration the Grand Affairs of Wit and good Breeding; After they had Raly'd each other, inquired the Health of their Respective Mistresses, and briskly top'd off half a dozen Rummers of Frontinìac: An Ingenioso of the first Magnitude began an Invective against the late Character of a Town-Gallant. The very naming of which abominable Pamphlet, put the whole Company into a Confusion of Rage and Clamour: Mor-bleau! quoth one, That's the most Saucy, Idle, Impertinent; flat, empty, damned, Dull, Nonsensical Scribble in Nature: I thank my Stars I had more wit than to red it, But Jack Wild  told me, he run it over at the Coffee-house, and found nothing of flamme or Spirit in it; No flights of daring Fancy, or Elevation of Conceit, above the Dialect of a Constable; nothing brisk or poignant or Charming, But an Oglio of Impudent Railings, against all that's polite and Noble, mere Blasphemy against us, that are the Hero's of the civilized World, the great Resiners of our Age The sole Dictators of Reason, and over-rulers of Common Sense.  
By Joves Guts cries another, I know that pitiful Rascal that Wrote it, An inconsiderable Animal, of a grovelling Spirit, and debased Understanding. Upon my Honour Gentlemen, he is a cobbler in Grace-Church street, and was formerly apprentice to him of gloucester. His Father was a Leveller, and his Mother shrewdly suspected to Burn down the Theatre Royal, two or three Years ago by Witchcraft. His Malice against good Breeding is Hereditary, which makes him continually Quarrel at all that's Jaintee, and Brave, striving to expose mysterious Arts of heroic Grandeur, to the Scorn of brutish Vulgar, and Traversty our most Excellent and wonderful Accomplishments into Ridicule, Pox on him, says a Third, I knew by the Title, he had not a drop of blood in his Veins, nothing in him of a Gentleman, nor indeed of Sense: Would any Fellow in his Wits, offer to abuse and Laugh at the most Glorious Imbelishments in Nature, Attainments which alone instile us to a place in the Boxes, or Pit; which make Women and Children admire, and the Ladies charmed with our good Parts, fall down before us. Are these things to be contemned or undervalued: Shall he or any body else( no not Mr. person himself) presume to tell us what is fit and becoming; 'tis an Insolence, deserves our Indignation and Correction; and the best way is for three or four of us to set upon him in the Dark, and Kick him into Atoms. But this a fourth Man( that had scarce Courage enough to Cock his Hat) opposed, as an enterprise too dangerous, alleging, That he was assured by some Correspondents in the City, That the Author was a plaguy Sullen Fellow, and never walked abroad without a good Batoon in's hand, and a lifeguard of Tinkers to attend him.  
Whereupon another rose up, a shrewd Gentleman indeed, one for a Testimony to the World of his vast Abilities; had made two or three Lampoons, and has been these four Years a Writing a Play( the only Dialect course now adays to make a Mans self Famous and Immortal) This A-la-mode Hero, making half a dozen untoward Grimaces, like an Ape going to the House of Correction, was pleased to deliver a Rare Harague on this important occasion; To which they all listened as devoutly as the Brutes at St. Andrews Wall do to the Charming Melody of a Smith field Orpheus.  
It is, Gentlemen! said he, the common fate of us extraordinary persons, to Contract the slanders of the Ignorant, and the Envy of the unthinking crowed; 'Tis all the Interest we pay to Fortune, for those Transcendent Endowments which she has conferred upon us above Common Mortals: But this should not discourage us from pursuing the Liberty of our own exalted Genius; and the lofty Designs and Adventures, wherewith we daily amaze the World: Tis only for great Head-pieces, Men of Birth and Education, of Prudence, and a mighty Reach that can pretend to Reputation: Tis such a Task to be considerable, and of Moment in the Town, that it would Crack the Brains of those little People, but to hear repeated all the Accomplishments that are required to build up a Man of worth, To be acquainted with the true Means, and exactest Garbs, the most Fashionable Expressions, the winning Addresses, and all the Finenesses of Language double perfumed: The compliments, Passes, and Re-passes; Parties, and Re-parties; with the vast Skill of Serenading, and the mystery of tendering a Visit, with approved and Modish Accuracy.  
Tis only from Exact and Curious Imitation of our Deportment, that young Gentlemen can learn these Perfections, and to our inestimable Principles they owe the Grounds and Elements of what must render them Great and Admirable in the World; To know with what Raptures you are to take a Lady by the Hand, and how then to melt her presently with some of our irresistible Vows, Such as— As I am a sinner before God and your Ladyship: As I hope to find Mercy in Heaven and your Ladyships Breast, &c. To know how to discar'd the Goloshooes in due season in their proper place: To tie the Knot of ones Muff Ribbon, to the best advantage; To walk with such a pleasing Gate that your Swinging Arm may keep true time with your Feet, which must Dance to the music of the Points. rattling on your Pantaloons, and especially to provide that the Foot-Boy be observant in his distances, that he never stand just behind, but bearing a respectful Point East or West from his Master. You know full well Gentlemen! tis no such easy business, to discern how much of the Hand-kerchief ought to hang out of the Right Pocket, and how to Poise it Mathematically, with the Tortoiseshell Comb on the Left: To apprehended what a boon Grace there is in some notable words keenly pronounced, with a neat shrug, and a becoming Lisp; to avoid the horrible absurdity of setting both Feet flat on the Ground, when one should always stand tottering on the Too, as waiting in readiness for a Congee. These are notes above the Ela of a course mechanic, or the Comprehension of ordinary Spirits. They cannot imagine how much practical rhetoric is requisite to make a Coach-man steadfastly believe he shall have half a Crown for hurrying from the Temple, to Leutners Lane, waiting there and coming back; and at the same time carry on the most ingenious Intrigue of slipping down the Boot, just at Temple-Bar; and then with a steady mind to walk to the next Coffee-house Incognito.  
All these and many more incomparable discoveries we have made to the World; which otherwise had long before this time been over-run with the Goth and Vandalisme of Pedants and other dull Fops, who are always poreing on troublesone ethics, or the more burdensome practise of Piety.  
Let us then learn to know and value our own Merits, proceed in the beaten Road of Gallantry, without Clogging our Progress to Renown, with consideration of virtue or Religion, or vain thoughts of those chimerical Bugbears, Decent and Honest: Let's look down with Contempt on this trifling Character-Monger, as Hannibal did on Phormi●, when he went about to Tutor him in the Art Military: Let us admire one another, hug one another in our achievements, and Laugh at all those that Envy us, the sweets, pleasant, and most delicious Extravagancy.  
To this they agreed, Nemine Contradicente, and so fell to Drinking of Brimmers; dispatched away two Drawers, the one to fetch Wenches, and the other to call fiddlers, and are resolved to be jolly; Defying not only the Lashes of a satire, but even the Cure of a Pestle and Mortar.  
FINIS.