〈◊〉 FROM EPSOM: OR, THE Revengeful Lady; Showing how a Young Lady there was Beguiled by a London-Gallant; who when he had done, boasted of the Conquest, 〈◊〉 which unworthy Fact, she Wittily revenged herself of the Tell-Tale; And made a Capon of a Cockney. A Novel. Written (tho' I say it) according to the Exactest Rules of Fancy and Judgement: In Imitation of Monsieur Scarron.  
By Poor-Robin, Kt. Vindeita.  
Nemo magis gaudet quam Femina, Juven.  
Printed in the Year, 1679.   

The Revengesul Lady: OR, The Tell-Tale, EUNUCHED.  
THere was a Gentleman in this Town of a complete Wit, and pleasant Behaviour, a Person very fortunate in the Love of Women, and in all respects very obliging towards them, save that he wanted the government of the Tongue; for no sooner could he receive a Closet-kindness from his Mistress, but he would instantly boast of his success, and that with such Circumstances as added most to the glory of the Conqueror, without any regard to the Reputation of the Vanquished; which dissolute kind of carriage, as it could not but be taken very unkindly from the Ladies, so at last it proved very unfortunate to himself.  
GOing this Summer to Epsom, whether for the delight somness of the Air, the benefit of the Waters, or the pleasure he took in the Company, I know not, nor is it material; but being there, he became acquainted with a young Lady, beautiful in her Person, and pleasant in her Conversation. This Spark of London, had scarce been twice in her company, but from the success he had always met with, he concluded her his own, and accordingly suiting his addresses to his confidence, he applied himself to her in a more familiar way than became the slenderness of his acquaintance, or the nature of his pretence; which attempt so far incensed her, that if ever he should offer the like incivility again, she protested he should never see her more. He somewhat surprised with the unusual, (and therefore unexpected) coyness, had a month's mind at one time to have called her proud slut, and to have Antedated her thereat by leaving her immediately; But upon better consideration, finding so much beauty in her 〈◊〉, and Majesty 〈…〉 anger, he thought it more policy to dissemble his present resentment, then to frustrate his future hopes, and therefore in excuse of himself, he began to swear very liberally, That he offered that rudeness only to try her modesty, he confessed he had sometimes made use of those Town-fooleries for the Diversion of such as liked the humour; but for his part he neither hoped nor believed that a person of her Circumstances could be plea●'d with such a kind of Dalliance; assuring her withal (as far as Damme's would do it) that in compliance with those strict rules of Chastity she professed to walk by, he would never for the future speak or act any thing but what might correspond with the most unblemished Virtue. Which protestations of his somewhat cleared up her cloudy Brow: and tho' she could hardly be Friends with him that Afternoon, yet she told him upon his better behaviour for the future, that he might still hope not to be turned out of her service. Hereupon our gallant began to proceed with more Caution in his designs, and to bear a greater respect to her than formerly, behaving himself so modestly in his expressions, and so obliegingly in his actions, that he gained a more than ordinary esteem from his Dearest, and he had at last so far won upon her by the art ficial disguise of chastity, that she would many times trust herself alone with him in her chamber, at hours so unseasonable, as might have created a suspicion of any Woman's virtue but hers. This when our vigilant Youngster had perceived, he thought it in vain to daily any longer, resolving to take the Fort by Treachery, if he could not do it by Treaty, and in order thereto concluded upon the following Adventure.  
Prevailing with her one day to take a walk in the Park, and coming to a shady bank (no matter for the purling Streams, and Warbling Chori●hers,) they sat down in a place very agreeable to the innocence of her design, and but too convenient. 〈…〉 of prittle prattle they had, but that one 〈…〉 will be so inquisitive to ask how I came to hear it. But Discourse they had, that's certain; and 'tis a hundred to one but that 'twas one Love Story or other, for at last it came to this; The young Gentleman gathering a blade of Grass, and applying himself to the Lady, asked her if she could break it with her hands; There's no question to be made, but replied Yes: But without many I●…s and And's, it came to a wager (which the most judicious affirm to be a Bottle of Claret,) that he would tie her Thumbs so fast with it, that neither by the strength of her Arms nor her wit, she should be able to break or untie it: This concluded on, he palm'd a Green Ribbon upon her, made so artificially like a blade of Grass, that it could very hardly be distinguished; and with this tied her Thumbs so firmly, that to her great admiration she was forced to confess the Wager lost: but he like a fair Gamester to give her a revenge, offered another bottle, that if she would suffer him to put her arms over her head, she could not kiss her Elbow. Loser's you know play commonly without fear or wit, for she had no sooner consented, but she found not only the wager lost, but something else she valued I can't tell how much more, in a great deal of danger; for the Adventurer taking her at this advantage, began to use a forced dalliance, and to apply himself to her in a pretty familiar way that he had, which I shall leave every man to guests at, by what he would have done had he been in his place: As to the Ladies I know they'll be warranting the sad toss she was in, and at the same time both pitying and envying her Condition. Therefore to disappoint neither one nor the other, the Story says she cried out Murder, but withal, that she Died only in the phrase of modern Poets; for she quickly came to herself again, being only a little overheated, like a Colt newly backed, by endeavouring to throw her Rider; and complaining 〈…〉 desire her Gallant (unkind as he was) to Unlace her Gown, and to give her the benefit of the air, bitterly upbraiding him all the while with the baseness of the action; what have you done, quoth she, inhuman Ravisher? ingrateful wretch that you are! first to bind me, and then to rob me of my greatest Treasure. He not caring to make much ado about nothing, prithee be quiet (says he) and i'll repay thee with Interest, look you do then, replied the tenderhearted soul, and so giving him her hand, they walked very lovingly home again to perticipate of her loosings.  
Hitherto all was well, and like enough to continue so, if this babbling Coxcomb could but have held his Tongue; but he had the vanity of some other (indeed most) Gallant, whose humour is so far from concealing any successful amour, that they will boast of kindnesses they never received, rather than not gain the reputation of being debauced: so he, big with the conceit of what he had done, found an opportunity (or indeed made one) of telling the whole adventure the same evening to an old Crony of his, that had been a constant admirer of his continued success. This Gentleman it seems had been an ancient servant of the Ladies, I mean had attempted to debauch her for a long time; and therefore upon the relation of the whole matter, the person being named, and the action described at large, it is but rational to suppose him a little concerned, not only that he should be disappointed in his hopes, but outdone at his own weapon: And to manifest that he was so, though he seemingly Laughed at the pleasantness of the adventure, yet he resolved upon the first opportunity, to discover the abuse if it were a Lie, or if truth, to put in for the later-match of her affection. The day following, meeting with her either by search or accident, though she never cared for his company or address, he prevailed with her by some importunity to hear this unwelcome story, which 〈…〉 and being a little helped by the impertinence of the Relator, she gained time to recover her senses well enough to persuade him the story was false, resolving at the same time to cry quits with Mr. Tell-Tale when time should serve, but for the present not to seem to take notice of the Discovery. And for a day or two after pretending a greater fondness to her Gallant for the sake of what had past; it was now her turn to desire him to take a walk to the same place they were at the other day, to which he readily consented; and I defy the crossest Reader in Christendom to suppose otherwise. Being come to a place she chose out as most convenient for the design in hand, she desired him to sit down, and after a little amorous impertinence, thus began to insinuate with him: Love, says she, shall I tie thy hands as thee didst mine the other day, but you are so strong i'll do it with my Gatter instead of Grass, this was easily consented to: Ah you Rogue, continued she, i'll tie your Legs too, 'twill be no hindrance, Sirrah; Ha'▪ this was but a modest request: Now my Dear, says she, put your hands over you● head as I did; that done, she takes an opportunity to tie them fast to the stump of a Bush; the Fellow all this while pleased with the Conceptions he had of the amorous Stratagem, lay stock still, absolutely imagining her design to be much like his, in what resemblance the diversity of the Sex was capable of; But, silly Ass, he found himself damnably deceived, for by the austerity of her countenance, he found anger a passion more predominent in her then Love, especially when she began to threaten him in a more unpleasant dialect then perhaps became either her Sex or quality; for though in civility we may call it chiding, in plain terms 'twas not better nor worse then downright Scolding; The Names she had dissembled over but even now, she again repeated, but in such a tone as quickly gave him 〈…〉 Rogue you, I'll teach you to Kiss and tell; could not 〈…〉 content to debauch me, but you must Scandalise me to? to rob me not only of my virtue, but likewise of my good name▪ I'll make you an Example for all such Villains as you are. More she said to this purpose as near as I can guests, (for to tell you the truth I did not hear her) and to make her words good she drew out a very sharp Penknife, now, says she, what would you think Mr. Cock●…y if I should make a Capon of you? and hang me if I don't show the Londoner such a trick, he shall remember the Country all days of his life; with that she gave him such a touch of Love, in the part that your Almanac-makers call Scorpio, and your Anatomists Scrotum: that it is verily said by sober personages, that he never had a mind to Wench after: So rising up from the poor Eunuch, the Ironical Baggage did so rant at him, that some writers affirm it went to the very heart of him: alas Sir, says she, how you bleed! What are you wounded? I fear you have been fight for my sake, I have a pair of Blood-stones here, pray take 'em and hang 'em about your Neck, while I run and send you a Chirurgeon, which it seems she did in kindness to herself, not to him: The Chirurgeon making a speedy cure of his Wound, the Lady at the same time, in some measure salved up the wounds of her reputation, for she hath sealed up the mouth of the Actor so close, that 'tis generally believed he will speak no more of this matter; so that though the story be very true, in the general as I have related it, yet as to the particular persons concerned, I desire you would not urge me to the discovery of them, for I protest I know not who they are.  
FINIS.