Hugh Peter's fegaries OR, His merry Tales, and witty Jests, both in City, Town & countries. In a pleasant and Historical Discourse; showing,  
1. His merry Pranks and Conjunctions, betwixt the Miller and his Wife, and the Parson of the Town in a Kneading Trough; with their several Speeches.  
2. How Mr. peter's was 〈◊〉 by the butcher's Wife; And how he lighted the Blind Harper. With 〈◊〉 rare Conceits upon the citizen's Wives.  
3. How he pretended to clothe Christ in a buffcoat; His opening of Heaven Gates to a Committee-man; And how he looked for that Monster Oliver Cromwell, but could not find him. With many other delightful Stories.  
Licenced according to Order.  
Printed for George Horton, living in Fig 〈…〉 1660   

Hugh Peter's fegaries, &c.  

How Mr. Peter's being belated on a Journey, lodged at a miller's house, and what passed between him and the Miller.  
MR. Peter's being on a Journey inquired of a Miller whom he saw standing on his Mill, where he might have a lodging for himself, and conveniency for his Horse; the Miller answered, He knew no place thereabout: Whereupon peter's traveled on his way, till he came to a little house, which appeared to be the Millers; there he knocks, the good woman coming to the door, Mr. Peter's desired lodging; she told him she had but one bed in the house, and therein lay her Husband and herself, but if he would be content with clean straw in the Barn, he might. Mr. Peter's accepted the proffer, and betakes himself to the Barn, where he had not lain long, but through a small cranny, he spies a man with a bottle of Wine and a Capon; which was no sooner brought, but immediately a good fire was made, and down thereto it went; anon knocks the Miller, all the while the Dame was sore affrighted, and presently conveys away the Capon on the spit, puts out the fire, hides her friend in a kneading Trough, and then opened the door for her husband. The good man being weary, betakes himself to rest; which Mr. Peter's seeing, bethought how he might be master of that Capon; and to effect it, leaving the Barn, he comes to the house door, knocks, and straight there appears the Miller: Honest Friend, quoth Mr. Peter's, I inquired of you for a lodging, but you knew of none, therefore I am content with this Barn; but being exceeding hungry, I desire you to refresh me with what you have, I shall content you to your own desire. Indeed, quoth the Miller, I have nothing but a brown Loaf, and a piece of Suffolk Cheese, you are welcome to that, and so opens the door. Mr. Peter's being in, said, Now my friend, what if I should try a conclusion for some victuals, thou'dst not be angry, wouldst thou? I angry, no in truth, Sir, not I, quoth the Miller. With that, quoth Hugh, When I was a Youth I could conjure, and I think I have not forgot: So uttering some barbarous words, and making strange figures with his fingers, saith he, Look in such a place, and see what there is. Oh Sir, quoth the Miller, I pray do not conjure, I dare not do as you command me: prithee, saith Mr. Peter's, do so as I say, and fear not, we shall have good cheer anon. By these persuasions the Miller was wrought upon, He looks, and finds a goodly Capon piping hot, which he brings forth: To this they both fall to; but Hugh complaining of the smallness of the miller's drink, would needs conjure again: so doing as before, He bid the Miller look in such a place, which he did, and there found a bottle of Wine: This they drank, the Miller admiring, and believing wicked Hugh to be a Conjurer; who said, What if I should show thee the Devil that brought these good things? Oh (quoth the Miller) for God's sake, Sir, forbear, I never saw the Devil yet, and I would not see him now. Nay, saith Mr. Peter's, Do you do, as I I shall instruct you, and you need not fear; stand in the next Room, and when I stamp, then come forth. With much persuasions he went in; being gone, Peter's steps to the Trough, wherein the kind Devil had hid himself; and uncovering it, saith he, Go your ways, and be glad you scape so. Out goes the man, and Mr. Peter's then stamps with his foot: whereupon presently appears the Miller. Look, saith Mr. Peter's, see you where the Devil goes? Good God, replied the Miller, if you had not said it was the Devil, I durst have sworn it had been the Parson of our Parish. As indeed it was.   

How Mr. peter's lighted the blind Harper.  
Mr. Peter's being in company with a Parliament-man one evening, it so happened, that a blind Harper coming by, and hearing their Discourse, began to play; upon which they willed him to come into the house; And having done, Mr. Peter's called to his friend's servant to light the blind Harper out. To whom the servant said, Sir, The Harper is blind. Why then (quoth Mr. Peter's) he hath the more need of Light.   

How Mr. Peter's cheapened a close Stool.  
Mr. Peter's once cheapened a close Stool; but the shopkeeper asked (as he thought) too much for it, but still commended his commodity, willing him to note the goodness of the Lock and Key: At which he replied, I have small use for either Lock or Key, for I purpose to put nothing in it, but what I care not who steals.   

How Mr. Peter's clothed Christ in a buffcoat.  
Mr. Peter's preaching in the country, told his Auditory he had brought them Christ in a buffcoat; saying, Here, take him while you may have him, for if you refuse him this time, I'll carry him with me to New-England.   

How Mr. peter's went to Heaven and Hell.  
Mr. Peter's in the midst of one of his Sermons, dives down, and rising up again, Faith, My Beloved, Where think you I have been now? I'll tell you, I have been in Heaven, and there's my Lord Bradshaw; but to say the truth, I did not see Cromwell; the Lord knows whither the Great Wind blew him. Then diving again, Now, saith he, I have been in Hell, and there were a number of factious Parliament men, Old Usurers, and young Sequestrators, and that they might believe it to be true as that Gospel, showing a Paper-book with Notes, bound up like a Testament.   

How Mr. peter's was served by the butcher's Wife.  
Mr. Peter's ingratiating himself with a butcher's Wife, who was somewhat handsome, did with much entreaty gain her consent to be her visitor at midnight, and she ordered him to come at such a time, and put his hand under the door, where he should find the Key which should open a passage to her Chamber: He comes at the appointed time, but this crafty Woman, in stead of the Key, had there laid a Trap, and Mr. Peter's looking for the Key, did unluckily thrust his hand into the Trap, and could not get it out, till by his calling for help, he was heard, and disgracefully used.   

How Mr. Peter's discoursed against Organs.  
Mr. Peter's discoursing of Church Ceremonies, broke into this expression, Ye must have music too; but indeed when as ye say, Lord have mercy upon us miserable Sinners, ye may well vary the words a little, and let your Petition be, Lord have mercy upon us miserable Singers.   

How Mr. peter's asked Grapes of Alderman Titchbourn.  
Alderman Titchbourn, so formerly called, wrote a Book, and entitled it, A Cluster of Canaan's Grapes, and Mr. Peter's meeting him, asked him if his Worship would be pleased to bestow a Cluster of his Grapes on him; at which the Alderman answered, If he would come to his Vine (meaning his house) he should have his choice of all his store.   

How Mr. Peter's opened Heaven Gates to a Committee-man.  
Preaching once in Ireland, and discoursing on the Times, it came into his head, with his Knuckle to hit against the Pulpit, imitating to his Auditory, he had been in Heaven, and answering the sound, quoth he, who is there, a Cavalier, Oh a Calier! you must not come here, you must to Hell, for you fight against the Parliament. Then he knocks again, and cries, Who is there, a Round-head; Oh a Round-head! you must not come hither, you are factions and disorderly in Opinions; so he knocks the third time, and cries, Who is there, a Committee-man; Oh a Committee-man, he must come, and shall, laying his hands on the Pulpit door, as if he would let him in.   

How Mr. peter's wisked his Auditory to beware of three Ws.  
Mr. Peter's preaching in a Country Village, exhorted his Congregation in this manner; Beware, Beloved, of three mischievous Ws, Wine, Women, and Tobacco; but you will object, Tobacco is no W, to which I answer, Tobacco must be understood under the notion of a Weed, and then it holds right.   

How Mr. peter's said he knew where His Majesty was.  
Mr. peter's was once heard to say, That he where knew his Majesty was, and being desired to tell, said, in Bedlam sure enough, for unless he be mad he will not be in England.   

How Mr. peter's enveighed against citizens' Wives.  
Preaching in London, he exclaimed greatly against the citizen's Wives; Your City Mistresses (saith he) must have their Lap-dogs to play with all day long, for want of Children; and if by chance he lets fly an uncivil blast; then, Out ye Foisting Cur, O how he stinks. Immediately after he leaps into their Lap again, and to Bed perhaps they both march together, and the happy Cur is laid so snug, where many an Honest man would be with all his Heart.   

How Mr. Peter's jeered a Rich Man and his Fat Wife.  
Mr. Peter's being invited to Dinner to a friend's house, knowing him to be very wealthy, and his Wife as Fat as he was Rich, broke this Jest at Table before them; Truly Sir, said he, you have the World and the Flesh, but pray God that you get not the Devil in the end.   

How Mr. peter's said he had been in Heaven.  
Another time he told his Auditory he had been in Heaven, and there were store of roundheads, but going into Hell, he found that so full of Cavaliers, that if a Round-head should chance to stumble thither, there would be no room for him.   

How Mr. peter's took an affront on the Exchange.  
Mr. Peter's walking at full Change time on the Royal Exchange, a certain person comes to him, whispering him in the ear, says to him, Mr. peter's you are a Knave, or else you had never gained so much Wealth as you have. Say you so (said he) Marry if you were not a Fool, you would be a Knave too.   

How Mr. peter's answered Oliver Cromwell.  
Being desired by Oliver Cromwell to repair to an appointed place, there to preach, it suddenly fell a Raining, whereupon Cromwell offered him his Coat; to whom he replied, I will not have it for my part, I would not be in your Coat for a thousand pounds.   

How Mr. Peter's defaced a shoulder of Mutton.  
Being in●ited to Dinner, his stomach invited him into the kitchen to take a slice before Dinner, where espying a Shoulder of Mutton, began to cut a piece of that, and to deface it; at which, saith the Maid, O Sir, cut not of that, because it is old. Say you so, quoth he, than I will have a piece of it to choose, for Age you know is honourable.   

How Mr. peter's broke a Jest upon a Lady.  
Mr. Peter's by chance meeting a Lady of his acquaintance, asked her how she did, and how her good Husband fared; at which words weeping, she answered, Her Husband had been in Heaven long since. In Heaven, quoth he, it is the first time that I have heard of it, and I am sorry for it with all my heart.   

How Mr. peter's reproved the Monster Oliver Cromwell for sleeping in the Church while he was Preaching.  
It being his turn to preach before the said Tyrant at the chapel in Whitehall, much about the time that his present Majesty was marching towards Worcester, He espied that the Devil had shut the Casements of his highness' Eyes, and lulled him asleep; whereupon varying from his discourse in hand, quoth he, We have now an enemy in this our Land, a potent one, and it is not unknown I suppose to any here that he daily approaches nearer us; but 'tis no matter, I preach but in vain while my Auditory sleeps, I hope he will come and take you napping.   

How Mr. peter's mistook in reaching to the top of his Pulpit.  
Mr. Peter's preaching immediately after the death of Oliver Cromwell, in his Sermon brought in this expression, That he knew Oliver-cromwell was in Heaven as sure as he could then touch the head of his Pulpit, and reaching up his Hand to have done the same, came short thereof by half a yard.   

How Mr. Peter's examined a country Lad, and the Jests that happened at that 〈◊〉.  
All 〈…〉 appy Boy that kept his father's sheep in the Country, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to ●…y a pair of Cards in his Pocket, and at the same meeting with Companions, played at the Game called One and Thirty, at which sport he would some days lose a Sheep or two, for which his Father corrected him; in Revenge whereof, the Boy would drive the Sheep home at Night over a narrow Bridge, where some of them falling into the Water, were drowned.  
The old man wearied with his Sons 〈…〉 tricks, had him before Mr. Peter's. (He being a man busy, and having some Authority in those parts where he lived) Mr. Peter's begins to reprove the Boy in these words: Sirrah, you are a notable Villain, you play at Cards and lose your father's sheep at One and Thirty. The Boy using 〈…〉 rinse, and less manners, replied it was a lie. A lie (q 〈…〉 Peter's) you saucy knave, do you give me the lie? No, quoth the Boy, but you told a lie; for I never lost Sheep at One and Thirty, for when my Game was One and Thirty I always won: Indeed said Mr. Peter's thou sayest true. But I have another accusation against thee; which is, That you drive your father's Sheep over a narrow Bridge, where some of them are oftentimes drowned. That's a lie too, quoth the Boy, for those that go over the Bridge are well enough, it is only such that fall beside which are drowned; which Mr. Peter's acknowledged for a truth, and being well pleased with his Clownish answers, gave him a short advice, and then dismissed him.   

How Mr. Peter's and several Justices of the Peace, sat two days about 〈…〉 ing small Beer.  
〈…〉 Justices of the Peace (with whom Mr. peter's was then accompan 〈…〉 being informed with the frequent sin of Drunkenness within their Jurisdictions, met at a Market Town, and sat 2 days to refo●… it, whereupon they commanded, that from thenceforth ●…aller drink should be Brewed, at which order a mad tosspot 〈…〉 made himself half drunk, without fear or wit, 〈…〉 and asked them, if they had sat two days a 〈…〉 ll Beer: One of them answered, yes, why then, 〈…〉 ay sit three more, to know who shall drink it, for I 〈…〉 none of it.