HUGH peter's: THE Tales and Jests Of Mr. HUGH peter's, Collected into one Volume. Published by one that hath formerly been conversant with the Author in his life time. And dedicated to Mr. JOHN GOODWIN, and Mr. Philip NYE. Together with his Sentence, and the manner of his Execution. LONDON. Printed for S. D. and are to be sold by most of the booksellers in London. 1660. To The Reverend, his Dearly beloved Brethren, Mr. John Good●in. Mr. Philip Nye. Brethren, I Should do you and the Author an unexampled injury, should I detain this Dedication from you, since necessity on the one side, and equity on the other compels me to it: Necessity, in regard no other persons will patronize him; and equity, because you have been copartners with him in all his misdemeanours; so that you are by most well-Principled men termed, A Trinity of traitors; but our author minding the public good, hath thus enrolled his name in the Catalogue of Wits, and desires to wipe off all the obloquy people have cast upon him, by leaving these Remains to after-ages, that those which make him the subject of their discourses, may by remembering his jests forget his Crimes; he hath long enough been covered with the Knaves-Coat, and therefore now puts on the Fools; for that as Mr. Nedham saith, Is the only way to preferment, and a Lady's Chamber: and without controversy, the Levite may laugh, or cause laughter, as well as the Layman. Semel in anno ridet Apollo. The God of wisdom may frolic it sometimes, why then may not he unbend himself with moderate mirth? Non seria semper: he that with Heraclitus whines away his time, I judge more culpable, than he that with Democritus shakes it away with laughter. I have long time known this second Scoggin, and have been an often hearer of him, and I finding his Discourses so much of Wit and Mirth, could not but rake these embers together. There are amongst them several Pulpit-flashes, for indeed they are collected out of many of his Sermons, by the pen of a ready writer; they are the Cream of his Applicatory part: and since his Homilies would be too voluminous, and probably impertinent. I have made this Publication, that his Memory may survive his ashes, and you likewise to whom it is Dedicated have a share in his Immortality. And believe me, let the World say what it will, Archee was a fool to him, as appears by his fulfilling the Proverb, Fortune favours Fools: for he got a good Estate; & so did our Author too, You'll say: but Fortune plays the Strumpet, He got it like a Fool, and must lose it like a Fool: Icannot forget that Lesson he said the Heathen taught him, and indeed it concerns you all: — Non Lex est justior ulla, Quam veris Artifices arte perire sua. But you must know, A fool's Bolt is soon shot, and it is no matter what they say, that matter not what they say, I am sure no Heathen could exceed him, for a Heathen in teaching him taught a man, but he would preach to Horses, Even till they broke their Halters; and tell me which is the hardest task, for a Heathen to make him cry, or he to make a Dog laugh. I remember he was once in Company with some Ladies, and was extreme bashful; whereupon a Gentleman reproved him in this wise, Fool, at 'em; and ever since sprung up that Proverbial word, Fool a-tum. This being all, Dear Brethren, I remain, Yours in the Lord (would I could say) Protector. S.D. THE Contents of the Tales and Jests of Mr. Hugh peter's. 1 How Mr. Peter's being belated on a journey, lodged at a miller's house, and what passed between him and the miller. 2 How a notable Parson put a jest upon Mr. Peter's and Mr. T. when he was examined by them. 3 How Mr. peter's broke a jest upon a Lady. 4 How Mr. Peter's reproved Oliver Cromwell for sleeping in the Church whilst he was preaching. 5 How Mr. Peter's divided his Text at St. Albans. 6 How Mr. Peter's and his Neighbour discoursed on the wind. 7 How M. peter's inveighed against the pride of the English Nation. 8 How Mr. Peter's jested on his Horse. 9 How M. Peter's examined a Country lad, and the jests that happened at that time. 10 How Mr. Peter's and several Justices of the Peace sat two days about the brewing of small Beer. 11 How Mr. peter's adviseth a Traveller to be accomplished. 12 How Mr. peter's served the Parson of a hot constitution. 13 How M. peter's gave his opinion concerning Christendom. 14 How Mr. Peter's road through the Strand. 15 How Mr. peter's wrote a Letter from Tredagh in Ireland. 16 How Mr. Peter's described a Whore. 17 How Mr. peter's lighted the blind Harper. 18 How Mr. peter's told a Tale of a man, a fish, and a bird. 19 How Mr. Peter's cheapened a close-stool. 20 How Mr. Peter's jeered a Justice. 21 How Mr. Peter's clothed Christ in a buffcoat. 22 How Mr. Peter's opened heavens gate to a Committee-man. 23 How Mr. peter's told a tale of his Friend. 24 How Mr. Peter's described a Citizen. 25 How M. peter's showed one the way to Tame. 26 How M. Pet. discoursed with a Tradesman. 27 How M. Pet. reproved a young scholar. 28 How M. Pet made an ass of a Gentleman. 29 How Mr. Peter's saved his licence. 30 how Mr. peter's gave his judgement of a choleric Gentleman. 31 How M. P. extolled the Army under Oliv. 32 How M. P. visited the Earl of Pembroke. 33 How M. Pet. wished his auditory to beware of 3 W's. 34 How M. Peter's called his hearers fools. 35 How M. P. took an affront on the Exchange. 36 How M. Pet. said where his Majesty was. 37 How M. peter's inveighed against citizen's wives. 38 How Mr. Pet. jeered a rich man and his fat Wife. 39 How M. Pet. said he had been in heaven. 40 How M. Pet. answered Oliver Cromwell. 41 How Mr. Peter's jested at his friends hurt. 42 How M. Pet. defaced a shoulder of mutton. 43 How Mr. peter's mistook in reaching to the top of the Pulpit. 44 How Mr. P. advanced the cause of Oliver. 45 How M. peter's went to heaven and hell. 46 How M. Peter's shared with the State. 47 How m. peter's was served by the butcher's Wife. 48 How M.P. prayed against the Kings Arms. 49 How Mr. Pet. discoursed against Organs. 50 How Mr. P. preached 3 hours on a fast day. 51 How mr. P. said, the word of God had a free passage. 52 How mr. Peter's bought cloth by the measure of his sword. 53 How m. P. asked Grapes of Ald. Tichburn. 54 How mr. Peter's jeered the Poet Withers. 55 How mr. P. gave his opinion of the 3 LLL. 56 How m. P. made himself Hewsons' father. 57 How mr. Pet. compared his late Majesty to Barrabas. 58 How mr. Pet. quoted 3 fools in the Gospel. 59 how two Gentlemen put up a bill to mr. Peter's. THE Tales and Jests of Mr. Hugh peter's, Collected into one Volume. JEST I How Mr. Peter's being belated on a journey, lodged at a miller's house, and what passed between him and the Miller. MR. Peter's being on a journey inquired of a Miller whom he saw standing on his mill, where he might have a lodging for himself, and conveniency for his Horse; the Miller answered, he knew no place thereabout: whereupon peter's traveled on his way, till he came to a little house, which as you shall hear anon, appeared to be the Millers; there he knocks, the good Woman coming to the door, Mr. Peter's desires her if she can to lodge him there; she tells him, she had but one bed in the house, and therein lay her husband and herself, but if he would be content with clean straw in the Barn, he might have that, and his Horse might stay there too; for she knew no other way to help him. Mr. Peter's accepted the proffer, and betakes himself to the Barn, where he had not long lain, but through a small cranny, he spies a man with a bottle of wine and a Capon, which was no sooner brought, but immediately a good fire was made, and down thereto it went; anon knocks the Miller, all the while the Dame was sore affrighted, and presently conveys away the Capon on the spit, puts out the fire, hides her friend in a kneading trough hard by, and having thus with abundance of celerity made a clear coast, she opens the door for her husband. The good man being weary, is presently desirous to be at rest, and she as willing he should; but Mr. Peter's seeing him betake himself to his bed, bethought how he might be Master of that Capon; which he effected in manner following. Leaving his Barn, he comes to the door of the House, knocks, and straight there appears the Miller: Honest friend, Quoth Mr. Peter's, I inquired of you for a lodging, but you knew of none, therefore I am content with this barn; but being exceeding hungry I desire you by any means to refresh me with what you have, I shall content you to your own desire: Indeed, quoth the Miller, I have nothing but what I know you can scarce eat, being a piece of brown bread, and Suffolk-cheese; so opens the door, and lets him in: Mr. Peter's being in, said, Now my friend, what if I should try a conclusion for some Victuals, thou'dst not be angry, wouldst thou? I angry? no in truth, Sir, not I, quoth the Miller. With that, quoth Hugh, When I was a youth I could conjure, and I think I have not forgot: so uttering some barbarous words, and making strange figures which his fingers, saith he, Look in such a place, and see what there is. Oh Sir, quoth the Miller, I pray Sir, don't Conjure, I would not by any means you should, nor dare I do as you command me; prithee, saith Mr. Peter's, do so as I say, and fear not, we shall have good cheer anon; by these persuasions the Miller was wrought upon, he looks, and finds a goodly Capon piping hot, which he brings forth: to this they both fall to, and were very well satisfied; but Mr. Peter's complaining of the smallness of the miller's drink, would needs conjure again: so doing as before, he bid the Miller look in such a place, the Miller looked and there finds a bottle of wine, this they drank, the Miller all this while admiring, and verily believed his guest had been a conjurer: having now eat and drank sufficiently; Now, saith Mr. Peter's, but what if I should show you the devil that brought these good things? Oh, quoth the Miller, for God's sake, Sir, forbear, I never saw the Devil yet, and I would not see him now: Nay, saith Mr. Peter's, do you do as I shall instruct you, and you need not fear; stand in the next room, and when I stamp, then come forth: with much persuasions, he went in; being gone, Mr. Peter's steps to the trough, wherein the kind Devil had hid himself, and uncovering it, saith he, go your ways and be glad you scape so: out goes the man, and Mr. Peter's then stamps with his foot, whereupon presently appears the Miller, Look, saith Mr. Peter's, see you where the devil goes? Good God, replied the Miller, if you had not said it was the devil, I durst have sworn it had been the Parson of our Parish. As indeed it was. JEST 2. How a notable Parson put a merry jest upon Mr. Peter's and Mr. T. when he was examined by them. A Country Parson being examined in order to his settlement in a Benefice, in which Committee sat Mr. T. and Mr. Peter's, the latter being chairman, he began to check the Parson for his former mormities, telling him how he had misspent his time in rioting, and drunkenness, not regarding the good of Souls; to which the Parson humbly replied, It was true he had been too negligent of his duty, but had repented, & was become a new man, and no man but had his failings, as we may read in the Example of the wisest men, Solomon, David, &c. they were polluted with the flesh, and as the Apostle saith, Such were some of you. Mr. Peter's thinking this to be an affront cast upon himself, Quoth he, Here's a fellow abuses us to our teeth, and would by no means be persuaded to abide there any longer, but in anger went to an adjoining room. Mr. T. being there, went to him, and advised him not to take exceptions at what was said, for saith he, The man said nothing but what was Truth and Scripture, and you need not apply it to yourself, more than another man; at last Mr. Peter's came again into the room, but willed Mr. T. to examine the Parson, for he would not: whereupon Mr. T. asked him, How he came to be converted. The Parson answered, He supposed, it was by reading; for of late he had given himself much to reading, hearing, and praying. Why, saith Mr. T. What Authors have you read? The Parson replied, He had read divers, as Nazianzen, Isidore, and many others. Which, saith Mr. T. wrought upon you, in reference to your conversion? In truth, Sir, said the Parson, that is very difficult to determine. But which do you think? saith Mr. T. Why indeed, saith the Parson, I have read many, but I suppose the chiefest piece that wrought upon my heart, was Mr. B. against T. Mr. T. hearing him say so, was in as great a rage as his Predecessor: and taking Mr. Peter's aside, told him, He was now of his opinion. Nay, saith Mr. Peter's, The man speaks truth, I believe, nor have you any reason to be angry with him; for in reading B. against T. he reads T. himself, and you know not, but it might be your part of the Book that converted him. But the Parson having set them together by the ears, went out, and never came before them any more. How Mr. peter's broke a jest upon a Lady. M. Peter's by chance meeting a Lady of his acquaintance, asked her how she did, and how her good husband fared; at which words weeping, she answered, her husband had been in Heaven long since, In Heaven quoth he, it is the first time that I have heard of it, and I am sorry for it with all my heart. How Mr. Peter's reproved Oliver Cromwell for sleeping in the Church while he was Preaching. It being his turn to preach before the some time Protector at the chapel in White hall, much about the time that his present Majesty was marching towards Worcester, he espied that the Devil had shut the casements of his highness his eyes, and lulled him a sleep, whereupon varying from his discourse in hand, quoth he, we have now an enemy in this our land, a Potent one, and it is not unknown I suppose to any here that he daily approaches nearer us, but 'tis no matter, I preach but in vain while my Auditory sleeps, I hope he will come and take you napping. How Mr. Peter's divided his Text at St. Albon. Mr. Peter's being another time to preach at Saint Albon, to that end ascends the Pulpit, where after he had prayed, he takes his Text out of Saint marks Gospel, chapter 5. verse 23. wherein are these words, The unclean spirits entered into the swine, and the herd ran violently down a steep place into the sea, and were choked. From which words he gathered these 3. Observavations, taken from so many English Proverbs. 1. That the Devil will rather play at small game, then fit out. 2. That they must needs go, whom the devil drives. 3. That at last he brought his hogs to a fair market. How Mr. Peter's and his Neighbour discoursed of the wind. Being at his own House in the Country, when a great Tempest of wind rose, he takes an occasion to visit a Neighbour by him, and being somewhat merrily disposed, Quoth he, Oh Neighbour, did you not see what a wind there was the other day? No, said his Neighbour, How should I see it? Why quoth M. Peter's with thy eyes as I did. Pray tell me then said his Neighbour, if you saw it, what was it like? Like, quoth he, it was like to have blown my house down. How Mr. peter's enveighed against the pride of the English Nation. The same man enveighing violently against the pride of this Nation, broke passionately into this Expression, Pride is the worm that consumes the best Fruit in this our terrestrial paradise; For behold the merchant's wife in her satins, the Citizens in her silks, and the Chamber maid, many come up, she must glister in her silver Lace, on the upper coat half a Dozen at least, on the next coat few less; Noy their very Smocks must be laced forsooth; Take up that, and there sits Puss in her majesty. How Mr. Peter's jested on his horse. Mr. Peter's being in a chamber with a Friend, and looking out at the window, saw one riding on a horse in the street, Do you said he, see yonder horse? Yea, quoth the other; then Replies he, you may swear you have seen the best horse in England: How know you that said his Friend? I know it well, said he, for it is my horse, and I am sure he is the best, and yet I dare swear I have one in my stable worth ten of him. How Mr. Peter's examined a country Lad, and the jests that happened at that time. An unhappy boy that kept his father's sheep in the country, did use to carry a pair of Cards in his pocket, and with the same (meeting with companions) played at one and thirty, (a Game so called) at which sport he would some days lose a sheep or two, for which his Father corrected him; in revenge whereof, the boy would drive the sheep home at night over a narrow bridge, where some of them falling into the water, were drowned. The old man wearied with his sons ungracious trick, had him before Mr. Peter's (he being a man busy, and having some authority in those parts where he lived) Mr. Peter's begins to reprove the boy in these words; Sirrah, you are a notable Villain, you play at Cards, and lose your father's sheep at one and thirty. The boy (using small reverence and less manners,) replied it was a lie; A lie quoth Mr. peter's you saucy Knave, do you give me the lie? No quoth the boy, but you told a lie; for I never lost sheep at one and thirty, for when my game was one and thirty I always won; indeed said Mr. Peter's thou sayest true; But I have another accusation against thee, which is, that you drive your father's sheep over a narrow bridge, where some of them are often times drowned. That's a lie too quoth the boy, for those that go over the bridge are well enuogh, it is only such as fall besides that are drowned, which Mr. Peter's acknowledged for a truth, and being well pleased with these clownish answers, gave him a short advice, and then dismissed him. How Mr. Peter's and several Justices of the peace, sat two days about brewing small Beer. Certain Justices of the Peace (with whom M. peter's) was then accompanied) being informed of the frequent sin of drunkenness within their Jurisdictions, met at a Market Town, and sat two days to reform it, where eupon they commanded that from thenceforth smaller drink should be brewed, at which Order a mad tosspot grieved, and having made himself half drunk, without fear or wit came to the Justices, and asked them if they had sat two days about brewing of small Beer; One of them answered yes, why then quoth he, I pray sit three more, to know who shall drink it, for I will none of it. How Mr. peter's adviseth a Traveller to be accomplished. A Friend of Mr. Peter's being in discourse with him, took an occasion to ask him this question, when was the fittest time to journey? Quoth he when you have a good horse, money in the purse, and good company. How Mr. peter's served the Parson of a hot Constitution. Mr. Peter's having desired a country Parson and Friend of his to give him a Sermon, the Parson consented, but Mr. Peter's being in a merry vain resolved to make a jest, though he spoiled a Text. For hearing that the Parson was of so hot a constitution, that he would oftentimes preach in the Pulpit with his breeches down, he caused a Turf of an aunt's hill to be laid on the Pulpit bench, The Parson seeing the Turf, was well pleased, supposing it was laid there only as strowings to adorn his seat. So his breeches being down, he sits a while, and when the psalm was concluded he rises to his Prayer, all which time the Ants were very civil, till he had proceeded a good way, but then a War began, insomuch that by their biting and his scratching, some drops of blood was spilled upon the place, which caused him to break forth into these words, The Word of God— and making a full stop, quoth he, good people, the word of God is in my mouth, but I think the Devil is in my tail. How Mr. peter's gave his opinion concerning hristendome. It was an usual saying of Mr. Peter's, That in Christendom there were neither Scholars enough, Gentlemen enough, nor Jews enough, and when answer was made that of all these 3. there was rather too great a plenty, than a scarcity, he replied that if there were scholars enough, so many would not be double or treble beneficed, if Gentlemen enough, so many Peasants would not be reckoned among the Gentry; and if Jews enough, so many Christians would not profess Usury. How Mr. Peter's road through the Strand. Mr. Peter's riding very fast through the Strand, a Gentleman coming by, was minded to make him stop, and to that end called after him, and coming to his speech, saith he, Sir, pray what Proclamation was that that was just now out? Mr. Peter's (being angry to be stayed upon so frivolous a question) answered, he might see that on every post. I cry you mercy, said the Gentleman, I took you for a Post, you rode so fast. How Mr. P. wrote a Letter from Tredagh in Ireland. Mr. Peter's being in Ireland at the taking of Tredagh sends up a Letter to the Parliament, whose substance was no more but— The truth is, Tredagh is taken. Yours Hugh peter's. How Mr. Peter's described a Whore. Mr. Peter's discoursing with a Friend of his, about what Effigies were the best to adorn a Room, his Friend told him, that among the rest he intended to buy, he would have a courtesan exactly painted. You may very well save that labour, said Mr. Peter's, for if she be a right Whore she will paint herself. How Mr. peter's lighted the Blind Harper. Mr. Peter's being in company with a Parliament-man one evening, it so happened, that a blind Harper coming by, and hearing their discourse, began to play; upon which they willed him to come into the house▪ And having done, Mr. Peter's called to his friends▪ Servant to light the Blind Harper out. To whom the servant said, Sir, the Harper is Blind. Why then (quoth Mr. Peter's) he hath the more need of Light. How Mr. peter's told a Tale of a Man, a Fish, and a Bird. Mr. Peter's being in the pulpit at Christ-Church, came to the end of his Sermon, as the people did suppose: But he perceiving them to make towards the door, wished them to lend their Attentions for a word or two more, and he would conclude. The people being then big with expectations, for the most tarried, he began as followeth: Beloved, in former time there were three creatures agreed to go on Pilgrimage together, by name, a Man, an eel, and a Swallow: They accompanied one another a great way, till the two later were almost tired; wherefore, coming to a Wood, the Bird watches an opportunity, and flies away▪ Now there remained only the Man and Fish, and they kept together still, until they came to pass over a small brook; but the Fish seeing the waters, gives a slip from the Man, and was never seen after▪ Now the Man was left alone; but on he goes, and having passed the brook, espies on the other side several long rods, these he lays unto bundles: Now beloved, what think you these rods were for; I'll tell you, they were to whip such men as will make haste from a Sermon, and return to hear a tale. So much for this time. Mr. Peter's cheapened a close Stool. Mr. Peter's once cheapened a close stool, but the Shop keeper asked (as he thought) too much for it, but still commended his commodity, willing him to Note the goodness of the Lock and Key, at which he replied, I have small use for either Lock or Key, for I purpose to put nothing in it, but what I care not who steals. How Mr. peter's jeered a Justice. Mr. Peter's riding on the way with a Justice of the peace, to drive tediousness out of time, the Justice said to him, suppose Sir that all the world were dead, but you and I, and that one of us should be turned into a Horse, and the other into an ass, which of the two would you choose to be; Mr. Peter's answered, I shall give your worship the choice, why then quoth the Justice I would be a Horse, nay sad Mr Peter's let me entreat your Worship to been ass, for I would choose that above any thing, why said the Justice, marry quoth Hugh, because I have known many asses to become Justices, but I never knew a horse come to the like preferment. How Mr. Peter's clothed Christ in a buff Coat. Another time he told his Auditory, he had brought them Christ in a buff coat; saying here, take him while you may have him, for if you refuse him this time, i'll carry him with me to New-England. How Mr. Peter's opened Heavens Gate to a Committee man. Preaching once in Ireland, and discoursing on the times, it came into his head, with his Knuckle to hit against the Pulpit, intimating to his Auditory, he had been in heaven, and answering the sound, quoth he, who is there, a Cavalier, Oh a Cavalier! you must not come here, you must to hell, for you fight against the Parliament. Then he knocks again, and cries who is there, a Roundhead, oh a Roundhead! you must come hither neither, you are factious and disorderly in opinions: so he knocks the third time, and cries who is there, a Committee man, oh a Committee man! he must come, and shall, laying his hands on the Pulpit door, as if he would let him in. How Mr. peter's told a tale of his friend. Mr. Peter's being merry with some friends of his, entertains them a while with this following story, quoth he, I knew a lusty Miller much given to the flesh, that never suffered any female to bring any Grist, but he would endeavour to blow up their Chastities, and with whom soever he was familiar, he would bargain that at the day of his marriage, each of them should send him a Cake; In process of time the Miller was married, and according to promise, they sent in their Cakes, to the number of Ninety and nine; His wife the bride wondered what was the meaning of so many Cakes, the Miller told her the truth of all without any dissembling; to whom his wife answered, if I had been so wise in Bargaining, as you have been, the young man of my acquaintance, would have sent me a hundred Cheeses to have eaten with your Cakes. How Mr. Peter's described a Citizen. He was wont to say, a Citizen was a man all in earnest, and in no point like a jest, because the Citizen was never bad, nor the jest never good, till they were both broke. How Mr. peter's showed one the way to Tame. Mr. Peter's journeying from Oxford towards London, met on the way with a Gallant that rode excessive hard, who inquired of him if that were the way to Tame, meaning a place so called: But Mr. Peter's willing to mistake him, replied, Yes, your horse I'll warrant you, if he were as wild as the devil. How Mr. Peter's discoursed with a Tradesman. Mr. Peter's coming into a Tradesman shop in London, observed the Master to be very bountiful of his compliments and congees; whereupon, quoth he, well said honest friend, it is a good sign that thou will never break, thou dost bend so much. How Mr. peter's reproved a young scholar. Mr. Peter's hearing of some boisterous exercises used on the Sabbath day, and that a young Scholar whom he knew was frequently at cudgel-playing with the rest, he sends for this scholar, and told him how it suited not with his profession to use such an exercise, especially on such a day, and if he did not leave it, he would cause him to be ordered. Good Sir, replied the Scholar do not mistake me, for I do it on purpose to edify the ruder sort of the people: How so▪ said Mr. Peter's. Marry Sir, said the Scholar, what in the morning and evening they have learned, I soundly beat into their heads at cudgels for their better remembrance. How Mr. peter's made an ass of a Gentleman. Talking with a Gentleman that was rich and merry, the Gentleman said he had read a book called Lucius Apuleius, or the golden ass, and that he found there, that Apuleius after he had been many years an ass, by eating of roses did recover his human shape again. Mr. Peter's thereupon replies, Sir, if I were worthy to advise you, I would give you counsel to eat a salad of roses once a week at least yourself. How Mr. Peter's saved his Licence. Mr. Peter's talking with some honest Country men, about the affairs of his parish, and happening to have his Licence in his hand, one of his Company seeing it, desires to look well on it; but perceiving it was in Latin, saith he, O I understand not Latin, but perhaps I may pick out a word or two. No by no means cried Mr. Peter's, I would not have my Licence picked, lest it should be spoiled. How Mr. peter's gave judgement of a choleric Gentleman. There was a Gentleman of a very hasty disposition, so that he would fret and quarrel perpetually, and withal was a great Tobacco-Taker. This Gentleman in his anger beat and kicked his man extremely, insomuch that the fellow ran away, and Mr. Peter's being an acquaintance of his Masters, he repairs to him, willing him to advise his Master to be more patient. Mr. peter's said he would, but, saith he, so must you, for you know his conditions, for my part I think he is transformed into brawn, for he is all choler, and he supposed the reason of his Kicking was only because he took Colts-foot in Tobacco. How Mr. Peter's extolled the Army under Oliver. It being ordered that Friday December the 22.1648. should be set a part for fasting, it was likewise ordered that Mr. peter's should preach on that day, as accordingly he did, without any more Audience, then 4. Lords and 20. Commons. The subject of his Sermon was, That of Moses his leading the Israelites out of Egypt, which he applied to the than Leaders of the Army; but how quoth Hugh shall the people in our days be led from their captivity, That said he you shall know anon; then clapping his hands before his eyes he leaned on his cushion for a while, and suddenly starting up, saith he; I'll tell you no more than hath been revealed to me (There is no way out of Egypt but by rooting up of Monarchy. And this Army must do it; This Army is the stone spoken of, cut out of the Mountain, which must dash the powers of the earth in pieces. But some object, that the way we walk is without precedent, alas we must act without and beyond precedents, are not many things in scripture without precedent. What think you of the Virgin Mary, was there ever any precedent that a Virgin should conceive? I tell you no. And this our Army hath done, and shall do such glorious things, as former ages never expected, the present doth admire, and the future will not believe. How Mr. peter's visited the Earl of Pembroke. M. Peter's taking an occasion to visit the E. of Pembroke, he salutes his Honour in this manner; My Lord, I am come to see you, and intend to dine with you, and because you should not want company; I have brought one of the 7 deadly sins along with me, viz. Col. ●ride, and have brought the Devil too, Col. Dragon; at which jest they all laughed and were well pleased. How Mr. peter's wished his Auditory to beware of 3 W s. Mr. Peter's preaching in a country Village, exhorted his Congregation in this manner, Beware beloved of three mischievous W s. Wine, Women, and Tobacco, but you will object Tobacco is no W. to which I answer, Tobacco must be understood under the notion of a Weed, and then it holds right. How Mr. Peter's called his hearers fools. Mr. Peter's preaching in a strange place, and having some information that the people suited not with his judgement. Took this portion of Scripture for his Text, O ye fools, when will ye be wise? which Text saith he admits of no divisions, for divide O from Ye, I cannot; or ye from Fools, O ye Fools! that I am sure of, for you are such; when will ye be wise? that the Lord above knows, for I am sure I do not, nor ever shall. How Mr. peter's took an affront on the Exchange. Mr. Peter's walking at full Change time, on the Royal Exchange, a certain person comes to him, and whispering him in the ear, says to him, Mr. Peter's, you are a Knave, or else you had never gained so much wealth as you have. Say you so, said he, marry if you were not a fool, you would be a Knave too. How Mr. peter's said, he knew where his majesty was. Mr. peter's was once heard to say, that he knew where his Majesty was, and being desired to tell, said, in Bedlam sure enough, for unless he be mad he will not be in England. How Mr. peter's enveighed against citizens' wives. Preaching in London, he exclaimed greatly against the citizen's wives, your City Mistresses, saith he, must have their lap-dogs to play with all day long, for want of children; and if by chance he lets fly an uncivil blast, than out ye foisting cur, O how he stinks! immediately after he leaps into their lap again, and to bed perhaps they both march together, and the happy cur is laid to snug, where many an honest man would be with all his heart. How M. Peter's jeered a rich man and his fat wife. Mr. Peter's being invited to dinner to a friend's house, Knowing him to be very wealthy, and his wife as fat as he was rich, broke this jest at Table before them, Truly Sir, said he, you have the world and the flesh, but pray God you get not the Devil in the end. How Mr. peter's said he had been in Heaven. Another time he told his Auditory he had been in Heaven, and there were store of Roundheads, but going into Hell he found that so full of Cavaliers, that if a Round-head should chance to stumble thither, there would be no room for him. How Mr. peter's answered Oliver Cromwell. Being desired by Oliver Cromwell to repair to an appointed place, there to preach, it suddenly fell a raining, whereupon Cromwell offered him his Coat: To which he replied, i'll not have it for my part, I would not be in your Coat for a thousand pounds. How Mr. Peter's jested at his friends hurt. Mr. Peter's coming by one time, where he espied a friend of his, deeply cut in the head, who engaged too far in a foolish fray, he began to check him for his indiscretion; But, saith he, 'tis too late now to give you Counsel, come along with me to a chirurgeon, a friend of mine, where I'll have you, see you dressed, and then bid you farewell. Where being come, the chirurgeon begins to wash away the blood, and search for his brains, to see if they were hurt. At which M. Peter's cries out, what a mad man are you to seek for any such thing, if he had had any brains, he would never have ventured so rashly into so unlucky a Skirmish. How Mr. Peter's defaced a shoulder of Mutton. Being invited to dinner, his Stomach invited him into the kitchen to take a slice before dinner, where espying a Shoulder of Mutton, began to cut a piece of that, and to deface it: at which saith the Maid. O Sir, cut not of that, because it is old. Say you so, quoth he, than I will have a piece of it to choose, for age you know is honourable. How Mr. peter's mistook in reaching to the top of his Pulpit. Mr. Peter's preaching immediately after the death of Oliver Cromwell, in his Sermon brought in this Expression, that he knew Ol. Cromwell was in Heaven as sure as he could then touch the head of his Pulpit, and reaching up his hand came short thereof by half a yard. How Mr. peter's advanced the Cause of Oliver. Master peter's for the maintenance of the Army under his Master Oliver, used often times to exhort the people to be liberal in their Contributions, and having used his utmost endeavours in London, he endeavoured to stir up the wellaffected in several Counties, always intermixing somewhat of money in his Discourse, but one time above the rest having provided himself with a pair of breeches without pockets, only holes cut in the places where the pockets should be, and his Auditory being most Women, he affrighted them exceedingly with the terrible Characters he gave the Cavaliers, and at length out comes a whole bunch of Rings, which he had hung on his codpiece button; And my beloved, quoth Hugh, these Rings the Women of such a Town gave me, and shaking them a while in one hand, pretended to put them up, but standing upright in the Pulpit, he took them through his breeches in the other, and see here saith he, beloved Sisters, these the pious minded Women of another Town gave me, to subdue the wicked Cavaliers; by this piece of Sophistry he would preach his ignorant hearers out of large sums of money, which it may be supposed he treasured in his own coffers. XLV. How Mr peter's went to Heaven and Hell. Mr Peter's in the midst of one of his Sermons, dives down, and rising up again, faith, My Beloved, Where think you I have been now? I'll tell you, I have been in Heaven, and there's my Lord Bradshaw, and many other worthy persons of Note; then diving again, Now saith he, I have been in Hell, and there were a Number of factious Parliament men; and that they might believe it to be true as that Gospel, showing a Paper-Book with Notes, bound up like a Testament. XLVI. How Mr Peter's shared with the State. He was wont after his Collections to carry all his treasure into one room, where there was two Chests, then would he take one Bag and flinging it into one of the Chests, this saith he, for the State, and flinging another Bag into the other Chest, quoth he, this for myself; This would he so frequently do, that an ingenious fellow his servant noted it, & to imitate his Master would commonly before he gave his Master his accounts, do the same, having provided himself with two Chests or Trunks, would cry, This for my Master, and this for myself, insomuch that in short time he had heaped up a great treasure, and taking himself to be somebody more than formerly, attempted to make love to a Gentlewoman, related nearly to Mr Peter's; whereupon Mr Peter's checks him for the presumption, saying, She had a great fortune, and was a pitch above him; Sir, quoth the servant, I am not so despicable as you may think, nor shall her fortune exceed mine, say you so, saith Mr Peter's, make that appear, and you shall have her; Why Sir, quoth the servant, I have done as you taught me; you used to say, this for the State, and this for myself; so I would cast into your treasury one Bag, and two into mine own; sayest thou so, replied his Master, Believe me I commend thee, and clapping him on the Back, saith he, say no more, thou dost deserve her; But whether they were married or not, my Intelligencer cannot inform me. XLVII. How Mr peter's was served by the butcher's wife. Mr Peter's ingratiating himself with a butcher's wife, who was somewhat handsome, did with much entreaty gain her consent to be her visitor at midnight, and she ordered him to come at such a time, and put his hand under the door, where he should find the Key which should open a passage to her chamber; he comes at the appointed time, but this crafty woman, instead of the Key, had there laid a Trap, and Mr Peter's looking for the Key, did unluckily thrust his hand into the Trap, and could not get it out, till by his calling for help, he was heard, and disgracefully released. XLVIII. How Mr peter's prayed against the King's arms. Praying in a Country village, he espied in the Church the King's arms, whereupon he brings in these words, Good Lord keep us from the yoke of Tyranny; and spreading his hands towards the King's arms, saith he, Preserve thy servants from the paw of the lion, and the horn of the unicorn. XLIX. How Mr Peter's discoursed against Organs. Mr Peter's discoursing of Church Ceremonies, broke into this expression, ye must have music too; but indeed when as ye say, Lord have mercy upon us miserable sinners, ye may well vary the words a little, and let your Petition be, Lord have mercy upon us miserable Singers. L. How Mr peter's preached three hours on a fastday. Mr Peter's having on a Fast day preached two long hours, and espying his glass to be out after the second turning up; takes it in his hand, and having again turned it, saith, Come my Beloved, we will have the other glass, and so we'll part. LI. How Mr peter's said the word of God had a free Passage. Discoursing of the advantage Christians have above Heathens, and showing that they were guided only by a natural Instinct, but we have the word preached to us, and indeed, saith he, the Gospel hath a very free passage amongst us, for I am considenr, it no sooner enters in at one ear, but it is out at the other. LII. How Mr Peter's bought cloth by the measure of his sword. Mr Peter's being at a linen draper's buying cloth, would not be contented with their yards or elves, but drawing out his sword, told the Draper he would measure his cloth thereby, or he would not buy, which the Draper after he had viewed the sword consented to, and so they presently agreed. LIII. How Mr peter's asked Grapes of Alderman Titchbourne. Alderman Titchbourn so formerly called wrote a book, and entitled it, A Cluster of Canaan's Grapes, and Mr Peter's meeting of him asked him if his worship would be pleased to bestow a cluster of his Grapes on him; at which the Alderman answered, if he would come to his Vine (meaning his house) he should have his choice of all his store. LIV. How Mr peter's jeered the Poet Withers. George Withers having wrote a Poem, in which he predicted the continuance of a free State, called it the perpetual Parliament; a little after the Parliament was dissolved, and Mr Peter's meeting the said Mr Withers, told him he was a pitiful Prophet, and a pitiful Poet, otherwise he had not wrote such Predictions for a pitiful Parliament. LV. How Mr. peter's gave his opinion of the three L L Ls. Being once conversing with several of his familiar friends, he was heard to say, that England would never be right till one hundred and fifty were cut off, every one wondering where he would pick so many, at last one asked him, who those were, he answered they were three L L Ls and each L standing for fifty the number might easily be completed out of Lords, Levites, and Lawyers. LVI. How Mr. Peter's made himself Hewson's father. Mr. Peter's meeting colonel Hewson, merrily said to the colonel, how now Son, where's your blessing? But Hewson not well conceiving what he said, asked what he meant, why quoth Hugh, I mean to teach you your duty, know you not who I am; I am Hugh, and as I take it you are Hughs-son. LVII. How Mr. Peter's compared his late Majesty to Barabbas. He once preached a Sermon at St. Margaret's Westminster immediately after the Members were secluded, there being a Fast appointed in that place, where he chose for the words of his Text, Not this man, but Barabbas; To whom he compared his late Majesty, inciting his Auditory to Kill the King, withal adding that those soldiers who assisted in that great work of Reformation had EMANVEL, that is, God with us, written on their Bridles. LVIII. How Mr. peter's quoted the three fools in the gospel. Mr. Peter's Preaching on the neglect Christians too often had in duties, broke forth into this expression, My Beloved, Observe, there are three Fools in the Gospel; for being bid to the Wedding Supper, every one had his excuse. For the First, He had hired a farm and must go see it; had not he been a fool he would have seen it first, but he would be excused. The Second, he had bought a yoke of Oxen, and he must go try them, therefore he likewise desired to be excused; he also was a fool because he did not try them before he bought them. The Third he had married a Wife, and without any compliment said plainly he could not come; he was a fool too, for by this he showed that one woman drew him away, more than a whole yoke of Oxen did the former. LIX. How two Gentlemen put up a Bill to Mr. Peter's. On Sunday Jan. 21. 1648. being the time of that grand trial and bloody murder of our sovereign Lord King Charles the first of Blessed Memory, Mr. Peter's preach▪ that Whitehall upon Psal. 149. vers. 8. Of Binding the Kings in chains, and the Nobles with fetters of Iron; applying his Text and Sermon to the late King, and saying he had seen one joyful day, and he hoped to see another to morrow as good as the former; There being at that time in the Church two Gentlemen, who as many more usually did went rather to hear his Jests then his Doctrine; they hearing how bitterly he inveighed against his late Majesty, and how he applauded the proceedings of the Army, being provided with Pen Ink and Paper on purpose to bear away some of his Pulpit Jests, immediately betake themselves to send him a line or two, which accidentally falling into my hands, I have here inserted. Sir, We return you thanks for this your pains, And hope you'll live yourself to wear the Chains; For if our Genius don't at this time falter, Your merits well may claim both chain & halter. This being wrapped close up, and he drawing to the conclusion of his Sermon, they deliver it to be handed to him, as though it were the Petition of some dying soul; but he having read it, put it up, and as occasion served, made it now and then pass for a malignant Jest, notwithstanding at last it proved an earnest truth. For now at last I shall conclude with the author's death; He was Indicted October 9 1660. at Hicks-hall, and the Bill found by the Grand Jury of Knights and Gentlemen of Quality of the County of Middlesex; such a Bench and such a Jury hath rarely been seen in that Court, where that most learned Lord chief Baron, Sir Orlando Bridgeman gave him his charge, and being asked guilty or not guilty, lift up his hands and his eyes (according to his custom,) and said, Guilty! no, not for ten thousand worlds. However after his Indictment was read and the Jury sworn, he saw a whole congregation of witnesses against him; many things were by them asserted, relating to his guilt of being accessary to the spilling of his late majesty's royal Blood, and his moving and stirring up seditious rebellions in his majesty's Dominions. To which Mr Peter's making no answer, the Jury gave their Verdict that Mr Hugh peter's was guilty; whereupon the sentence of the Court was, that he should be drawn upon a Sledge to the place of execution, and there be hanged by the neck till he be half dead, his Bowels burnt, and his quarters to be disposed of according to order; which on Tuesday the 16th of October was accordingly done at the place where formerly Charing cross stood. Thus did he that called his sacred Majesty a Barrabas, a murderer, and seditious, die for murder and sedition himself, so that the snare which he laid for another, hath catched hold of himself; in this may we see, that according to that of St Augustine, Justice hath leaden feet, but Iron hands; And though vengeance treads slowly, it comes surely, as hath appeared by this man, (sometime my acquaintance) who was every thing, and indeed nothing; sometime fool, and sometime knave; but what most commonly might induce to his benefit and advantage. FINIS.