St. Stephen's- Green OR THE Generous LOVERS. A COMEDY, As it is Acted at The Theatre-Royal, IN DUBLIN.  
Written by WILL. PHILIPS, Esq  
DUBLIN, Printed by John Brocas in School-House-Lane And are to be Sold by the Booksellers, 1700   

TO THE Right Honourable THE Earl of INCHIQUIN.  
My Lord,  
THis Play has a double Reason for seeking Shelter under Your Lordship; I Writ it, and for our Irish Stage, and You are the chief Friend which either has: But I should be Cautious in Declaring what 'tis probable the World may Condemn in you; since in the Humour the present Age is, for a Man to own that he thinks Plays even lawful, 'tis almost enough to bring his Principles of Morality and Religion into Question. But, My Lord, the Firmness of yours is so well known, that I shall have no Reason to for bear saying, you have an Esteem for Plays; and I may, with Safety to your Reputation, Applaud you for it, since I am Confident the greatest Zealot would slacken his Fury against the Stage, and join with you in Supporting it, did he know how earnestly you Wish it Reformed from the Corruption of Manners, to the Encouraging Virtue, and Exposing Vice; and with what Decency, Modesty, and Good Breeding, you would have it Regulated. You may remember you Cautioned me to observe these Things, when I first acquainted you that I had a Design to Write this Comedy, and I have attempted to Obey you. I wish Your Lordship had given me farther Instructions; then, this would have appeared more Perfect and Correct to the World, and an Offering more Worthy you. As it is, I present it to you with Courage, because I know, the Errors your Judgement discerns, your Goodness will Excuse, and what you cannot Excuse you will at least Forgive. I only Wish there may be something in it which may prevent your Blushing while you Protect it, and shall very readily own the Faults the Critics find in it; I have not yet heard them, but without doubt there are many, and therefore I think myself the more obliged to those who have been so particularly kind to this Play. They have sufficiently evidenced how Inclinable they are to Encourage Wit and Poetry, by being so Favourable and so Generous to my weak Attempts on both, who have so little of the one, and so unskilled in the other. I should be extremely pleased, if my Success would move any other who has a happier Genius, to divert this Town with some Performance of this kind. But it is my Satisfaction and Pride, that tho' he should Write better, he cannot meet with more Encouragement than I have done. And since I own my Weakness, and yet boast of Success, you may be assured, that as I think myself Answerable for the former, so I know the latter is owing to your Lordship; another Proof of your accustomed Goodness, and a fresh Obligation to me. But this is a Subject I must not pursue, for tho' the acknowledgement of Obligations is but a small Return, yet I know you the 〈…〉; and therefore tho' Silence is a Pain to the Grateful, yet I choose to be uneasy to myself, rather than offensive to your Modesty, which I know will not Pardon my Publishing, what you will not allow me even to mention when we are together. Give me leave only, My Lord, to assure you that I have a just Sense of your Favours, and that tho' I had ne'er received one, yet I should ever have been  
My Lord, Your Lordship's Most Faithful and most Humble Servant. Will. Philips.   

PROLOGUE.  

HOw hard's the Fate which Poetry attends,  
When every Man to be its Judge Pretends.  
Not so in other Arts, Painters best tell  
Which Colour, Shade, or Posture does excel.  
Doctor's a Right to Kill or Save obtain;  
And Lawyers only do the Law Explain.  
But every Fool fancies induigent Heaven  
And equal Share of Wit to him has given.  
And talks of Time, Place, Action, and the Plot,  
Words, like a Parrot, he by rote has got.  
Hither such come to Censure, not to Hear,  
And whisper dull Remarks in's Neighbour's Ear.  
Chat the whole Play, then, Judgement give at Guess,  
And damn the Poet for the Actor's dress.  
Strut in the Pit, Survey the Gallery,  
In hopes to be lured up by some kind She.  
Humours still opposite to ours they have,  
Laugh when we weep; and when we laugh look grave.  
Our Author hopes none such are here to Day,  
For they'll ne'er relish this Dull, Sober Play.  
Where there's not one Immodest Word to move  
In the Box Blushes, or a Laugh above.  
But for their Comfort, though the Scene be here,  
The Characters of Vice he takes elsewhere.  
If any to themselves Reflections take,  
They are to Blame who Applications make.    

EPILOGUE.  Spoke by Lady Volant. 

WHo to a Monarch humbly sues for Grace,  
Should not Consult the Merits of his Case,  
So much, as those who offer his Address,  
'Tis by their Interest he must hope success,  
Our Author thus, who can no Merit Plead,  
But the harsh Censures he deserve does dread,  
Orders that I for Mercy Intercede.  
He Judges right, but in his Choice he's out,  
As he his Merit, I my Interest doubt.  
And well I may, since 'tis by different Arts,  
I must please Men, and gain the Lady's Hearts.  
The Beaus I would Oblige, but that you know,  
Is more than one poor Woman has Power to do.  
Besides they're all so Mercenary grown,  
They'll grant no Favour, unless I grant one.  
Their Answer is, when we a Boon demand,  
Meet me at Chappellizard, or the Strand.  
And that's a Bribe I think too dear to give,  
To let this Play their dreadful Rage survive.  
And from the Fair, what Mercy can be had!  
I fear they'll hate me for but seeming Bad.  
In hopes to please, now we have done the Play,  
I'll throw the Nausceous Mask of Vice away.  
And strive those Paths of Virtue to pursue,  
So strictly kept, so eminent in you.    

Dramatis Personae.  



Freelove, A Gentleman of England  
Bellmine, A Gentleman of Ireland   Friends.  
Sir Francis Feiguyouth, Old and Amorous.  
Wormwood, Snarling and Ill-natured.  
Vainly, A Pert Conceited Fop.  
Trickwell, Servant to Freelove.  
Timothy Tellpenny, Steward to Lady Volant.   

Aemilia, Niece to Sir Francis Feignyouth.  
Marina, His Daughter.  
Lady Volant, Affected and Mercenary.    

St. Stephen's- Green OR, The Generous Lovers.  
ACT I. SCENE St. Stephen's-Green.  Enter Aemilia and Marina. Mar. 
WELL, well, Aemilia, You may pretend what you please; But I am sure, You go to Church thus constantly, only to Pray for an Easterly Wind.  Aemi. 
Truly Marina, if my Love has made me Devout, yours has made you very Lazy; for ever since you saw Bellmine, you are grown as fond of your Bed, as a young Poet is of his first Works.  Mar. 
And is not that a properer place to think of one's Lover, than the Church? I am as much teazed with your Devotion, as a Rake is with Dunns, or as a Mask in the Playhouse is, with that Rake.  Aemi. 
Love that sweetens all Tempers, has soured thine.  Mar. 
Pray let me hear no more of it then.  Aemi. 
And yet if I should Talk of any thing else, you would no more mind me, than our Gallery does the Parson. What! Last Packet brought you no Letters? Why, he's Coming  Mar 
So is Freelove; That makes you so Gay. But Dear Aemilia, now I have mentioned him, inform me better of his Character, and tell me how you came acquainted with him, for he must be an Extraordinary Person that could please you.  Aemi. 
While I waited for a Wind at Chester, he chanced to come thither. He saw me, and it seems I displeased him not. He quickly found an opportunity to be acquainted, since I did not shun it; for I own at first view I liked him.  Mar. 
How, at first View! What! You that such Numbers have sighed for, and have been insensible to all; Like at sight!  Aemi. 
'Twere a Wrong to Friendship, and Beneath me, to dissemble with you. His Person pleased me; but when he talked, his Discourse appeared so Soft, so Natural; his Wit so Lively and so Unconstrained; That, tho' I ever Dreaded the Inconveniencies of Love, I struggled harder to conceal my Flame, than to restrain my Heart; for having Seen and Heard, 'twas mine no more.  Mar. 
Mere Rapture! But what Reputation has he in the World? For I regard that more than his Person or Wit..  Aemi. 
As I, so he, was to most a Stranger. All agreed he had no Estate, but a Fine Gentleman.  Mar. 
How's that! No Estate, and a Fine Gentleman! Advise him to keep where he is, if he would preserve that Character. I assure you, 'tis as Difficult to be thought so here, without an Estate; as it is to be thought Honest and Get one.  Aemi. 
All are not of that Opinion, for if Bellmine had no Fortune, I suppose you would think him a Fine Gentleman.  Mar. 
I thank Heaven he has a very good one, and really Cousin, I find it much for his Interest in my Heart, that I never Considered him without One.  Aemi. 
You are Mercenary.  Mar. 
Not wholly so; perhaps I should not esteem an acquaintance the worse; But I think a Good Estate is one of the prettiest Qualifications a Husband can have; my Love may decay, but an Estate is a certain Good. Oh, 'tis such a Comfort! When my Husband is in a Dogged Humour, to call for my Glass Chariot, take the Air on the Strand, and make half a score pleasant Visits, and as many Conquests.  Aemi. 
Conquests! I hope you would not receive Addresses if you were Married?  Mar. 
Not Barefaced Love, not Plain so; but certainly nothing pleases us more, than to be Admired; pleases us! pleases every Thing; What thing is not pleased to be Liked? Then 'tis a certain Cure for the Spleen. Can any thing be more Diverting than to have a Man who has ten times more Wit than I have, fall at my Feet, and Adore mine.  Aemi. 
Can you think so, and not conclude it Flattery?  Mar. 
Flattery! What then? Is not my Power still the Greater, to force him to say, what he does not think? Then I make my Husband Jealous by it.  Aemi. 
Is that an Advantage?  Mar. 
Oh a Great One! I have known it sharpen many a Stomach that was Cloyed before. At Least, if Jealousy will not make him Kind, 'twill make him Civil, out of fear of what I may do; Nay, I think it should make him Proud too.  Aemi. 
There is indeed a secret pleasure in having our Choice approved of; and I never knew a Man fond of his Wife, when she was slighted by others. He will no more boast of his Choice then, than she with Reason will boast of her Virtue. And it seems then, you do not doubt being Admired.  Mar. 
Truly Aemilia, I fancy this Face, Bad as it is, with the advantage of Gay clothes, Coach and Equipage, will draw Admirers, when there are so many Stait Fellows in Red out of Employment.  Aemi. 
Fie, fie, You begin to talk madly; come, let's haste to Church, and drive away these Thoughts; I believe they have almost done.  Mar. 
Well, Thou art the strangest Creature; You are always interrupting my Mirth with Church, and at Church I am sure you are thinking of something else.— Come prithee, Let us take t'other Turn— What you will go— Well I follow. [Exeunt.  Enter Freelove, Bellmine and Trickwell, as newly Arrived. Free. 
We have had a pleasant Quick Passage. Would there were no more Shelves, nor Quicksands, no more Difficulties in my Voyage of Love, and that it might be as soon finished.  Bell. 
I am sure I have been aboard long enough to smell like one of the cabin Boys; I fancy I totter still; the Ground seems to rise in Waves before me, and when I walk, I lift my Feet and Paw like a Horse who has just lost his sight.  Free. 
(Looking about) A pleasant place this! The Name of it?  Bell. 
St. Stephen's-Green.  Free. 
I like the Air.— I am glad your House has the benefit of it. Here Sirrah— what, you are Surveying where you shall get Drunk to Night; this Rogue looks out for a Brandy Shop with more Earnestness and Joy, than a Privateer for a Merchant Man. I wonder Bellmine you dare trust this Drunken Rogue with so many weighty Affairs.  Trick. 
Alas Sir, Your Worship knows, I am the soberest Man alive: But if ever I do drink, 'tis always after I have dispatched my Business, I divide my time well.  Free. 
Oh yes! Exceeding well! Between Drinking for your Diversion, and Pimping for his. But while you are Sober, and before he has any New Honourable Employment for you, go see that our Things are brought from Shipboard. We shall walk here till you return. [Exit Trick.  Bell. 
If all my Old Friends have not forgot me, I hope to employ him.  Free. 
I thought this last Amour would have made a Convert of thee, and Cured thee of all Extravagancies.  Bell. 
This last Amour has Quite spoiled thee; thou were't once one of the prettiest Fellows about the Town; thy Advice assisted me in Love, thy Wit promoted Drinking, thy Example Encouraged both; But now thou art Grown a Downright Damned, Sober, Dull, Virtuous Fellow.  Free. 
Well, You are upon the Brink of Matrimony; if it does not Cure thee, 'twill at least tame thee.  Bell. 
Oh for Heaven's sake Name it not! I dread it as much as our Farmers do the Wool-Bill.  Free. 
If you have such terrible apprehensions of it; How came you to think on't?  Bell. 
Think on't! Why I don't think on't; norever will think on't. If I Repent, which 'tis a thousand to one but I shall, I am Resolved to have that Excuse, that I Married inconsiderately.  Free. 
'Tis as extravagant and unaccountable for a Man of your Sentiments, and loose Life, to Marry, as for a Coward with a good Estate to turn Soldier; Yet I have seen both; and as in an Engagement, they Wink and die, so you'll Wink and Marry.  Bell. 
I beseech you, no more of it. I hate the word, Marriage, as much as a Mariner does whistling at Sea; and for the same Reason, I fancy it will raise Stormy weather. 'Tis a hard Case that we must submit to the thing we Hate, before we can have the Woman we Love.  Free. 
The Ladies have a much harder Case with Men of your Extravagant Principles: You are always Teazing 'em with Love; if they Return it, you Insult; if they Refuse it, you Rail; if they Marry you, you grow weary of them; if they Comply without it, you Contemn them.  Bell. 
Aemilia has made you a Rare Advocate for the Sex; I have known the time, when you would no more allow Virtue in Womankind, than Honesty in a Jesuit, or Sincerity in a Courtier.  Free. 
Whenever you hear any Man talk so, take it for Granted, that he has lately met with some Disappointment; or that he is more Conversant with the Bottle than with them; and 'tis then we chiefly deny them to be Virtuous, when we find they are so: For some of you prudent Sparks, never Commend a Woman, but to Conceal an Intrigue with her; and the readiest way to ruin their Reputation, is for such to give her a good Character.  Bell. 
I confess I have more Charity for them since I knew Marqia, than formerly; and you are giving a sufficient Proof of your good Opinion of the Sex, and of the Violence of your Love, that have come from London hither, to Marry a Lady without a Fortune.  Free. 
And would think my Travel round the Earth Rewarded with a Look.  Bell. 
I know I please you, by daily asking her Character.  Free. 
My Heart is never Easy, while my Tongue is employed about any other Subject. She has Goodness without Folly or Easiness; Wit and Virtue without ill Nature or Vanity; Beauty without Art or Affectation: She is so Excellent, that even her own Sex Admires her, for those very Charms which Create their Envy.  Bell. 
Young, I don't doubt.  Free. 
She is so Young, she would not take it Ill, to be called Old.  Bell. 
But has she such an entire Possession of your Heart, that you can make Love to no other?  Free. 
I could not even Affect it.  Bell 
I can, as you shall see immediately; for I perceive some Ladies coming this way Masked.  Free. 
Well, I'll give you an Opportunity and Leave you.  Bell. 
No, to give me an Opportunity, you must stay; Engage one, while I talk to the other.  Free. 
You must Excuse me.  Bell. 
Away; Thou art Grown as Surly, as if thou wert already Married; Come, no Denial, walk on a little, well take a short Turn and Meet them. [Exeunt.  Enter Aemilia and Marina. Mar. 
Now as I live Cousin our Prayers are heard; Yonder is certainly my Spark Bellmine.  Aemi. 
And with him Freelove! How my Heart beats and labours in my Breast! And now my Blood has taken the Alarm, flies to its Spring to be Assistant there, forsakes its Channels, and leaves each distant part Pale and Faint.  Mar. 
Pale and Faint! That is pleasant! Now am I ten times more Lively than I was; my Heart is a little Unruly too; But that is only, because it is weary of this Old Dull Prison, and has a mind to exchange Quarters with that Gentleman's. Prithee don't stand Trembling here, but let us walk towards 'em.  Aemi. 
Marina, Hold! I must be recovered a little before I own myself: But what say you, if we should keep on our Masks, and see if they will Attack us; we shall try their Constancy by it.  Mar. 
Nay, as for Constancy, I am not so Unreasonableas to expect that yet. 'Twill be very well, if my Spark leaves Rambling to a half Crown Ordinary abroad, when he has a plentiful Feast provided for him at home. However, I like the Proposal, I shall try his Wit, and Rally him by it: And Nothing pleases me more than making an Ass of a Man of Wit; and a Mask is a Rare Opportunity, it Conceals who we are, and Encourages us to be Bold, while our Sex Protects us.  Re-enter Freelove and Bellmine. Bell. 
Ladies your Servant! We think ourselves very Fortunate, That the first we see have so fine a Mien and Shape, and I am confident your Faces are answerable: Will not you have the good Nature as to Unmask, and prove me in the Right?  Mar. 
A good reasonable Request truly in your first Speech: Are the Ladies of your Acquaintance so very Coming? But you are as much Strangers to us in Expecting it, as you are to the place by Demanding it.  Bell. 
You like us the worse it may be for being so?  Mar. 
That supposition shows you are Strangers, or you would know, that to be so, is a recommendation here.  Bel. 
Does that humour reign here? I hope it does in you too; then I may succeed; for I assure you I am but this moment arrived; and to make me still the more acceptable to thee, my Pretty Dear Creature; know, that I have brought over some New Fashions, New Tunes, and New Plays; I can tell you which House has the best Audience, which Player is most Applauded; who the Celebrated Beauty of the Town, who keeps the best Equipage; I can tell you who Loves who, and who does worse; what Duels have been lately Fought; who Killed, who Hanged, who Jilted, who Married, who—  Mar. 
And so Convince me, you go abroad for the same wise Intent, most of our young Sparks do. But you may as soon Borrow Money of a grave Citizen, by this Character of yourself, as expect any Favour from me by it.  Bel. 
Will not this please you? why than I can give you an account of the Court; I can tell you which Lord has the greatest Levy; I can tell you of great Favourites, who scarce could Breathe for Crowds of servile Sycophants, and in a days time as lonely as if it had been Writ over their Doors, This House is Infected with the Plague I can tell you of the Advancement of Fools and Knaves, and the Disgrace of Men of Sense Worth, I can—  Mar. 
Hold, hold, you will only persuade me you have met with some Disappointment there, for few rail at the Court for any other Reason.  Bel. 
Let me but have one stroke at Rogues in Power—;  Mar. 
Not a Syllable, or I shall believe you are vexed, because you cannot be one in your turn.  Bel. 
Will not this do? why then have at the Parliament—  Mar. 
Worse and worse.  Bel. 
Nay then, I find no subject will please you but Love, and the tender soft Things I have to say on that, must be whispered.  Free. 
A pretty New Way your Ladyship has of Rallying truly. You think Flattery too great a Good to be enjoyed by Men only, and I'll lay my Life if once you aim at it, you will be too hard for us, 'tis said we cannot keep pace with you in Virtue, I am sure you outstrip us in Vice, when once you set yourselves to it.  Aem. 
'Twere very unhappy a Man of your Wit and Judgement should have a mean Opinion of us.  Free. 
My Wit and Judgement! very pretty. Take my Advice, never Admire a Man for those Qualifications, which I assure you are the greatest Enemies imaginable to your Sex. Wit and Judgement! why a Man must prove he has neither, before you'll allow him to be in Love.  Aem. 
You harbour severe Thoughts of us, and Love.  Free. 
I seldom speak my Thoughts to a Mask; But for once, to Convince you I have Charitable Thoughts of both; I'll venture to tell you I am in Love.  Aem. 
I fancy then your Mistress treats you with severity, or requires unreasonable things of you.  Free. 
There is nothing she requires I can think so.  Aem. 
If she be unkind, try another; I am confident so fine a Gentleman must succeed.  Free. 
You are so very lavish in your Praises, that I know you expect I should proffer you a Bottle of Wine and a cold Chicken.  Aem. 
My Praises at least deserve a civiller Reply.  Free. 
Nay if you knew with what indifference I proffer it; you would have more reason to affect an angry Tone; for if you should comply, I assure you my usage should be much Civiller than possibly you expect.  Aem. 
Come, this ill Nature is mere affectation in you; you have so good an Appearance, I am resolved to esteem you, spite of your indifference.  Free. 
I am sorry, Madam, my indifference has not the same effect on you, that your forwardness has on me. Here Belmine, prithee relieve me; I am the dullest Fellow at this Common-place Chat.  Mar. 
You have done very Charitably, Sir, to call to your Friend; Poor Gentleman! he has run himself clear out of Breath by Protesting his Passion for me.  Bel. 
Who I, Madam? alas, I have said nothing yet; why Madam, if I do not admire your Wit, your Shape, your Mien, the colour of your Hair, your Fancy in your Dress, more than—  Mar. 
Have a Care what you say, Sir; pray let your Simile be short, for I fancy you are so very Fickle, that before you have made an end of it, your mind may change.  Aem. 
Well, we will give the Gentleman leisure to reflect till Evening, and perhaps by that time his Friend may be in a better Humour.  Bel. 
Dear, Kind, Obliging Creature, we will certainly attend ye. (Exeunt Women.)  
Why, what a damned unlucky Rogue was I now? that I did not attack her: she seems to be half won already, and I'll engage you did not say one kind passionate thing to her.  Free. 
Not a Syllable truly.  Bel. 
And she was very Compliant?  Free. 
So she seemed.  Bel. 
Why there's it now. Oh Fortune, Fortune! how dost thou shower Wealth upon the Rich?  Free. 
You have great reason to complain of Fortune indeed, because you have not succeeded with such as these.  Bel. 
Such as these! why, who do you take 'em for, pray?  Free. 
For Women of the Town.  Bel. 
Women of the Town! why, thou dost not know where thou art. Women of the Town! why, there are no such things in this Town.  Free. 
No! then I have found the Reason you spend so little time in your own, Country.  Bel. 
Freelove, not a word more of my Extravagancies as you tender my Pleasures; I am not so much Reformed yet, but I have a Mind to enjoy them a little farther, and I cannot do that here, but under the Disguise of a Sober, Discreet Person.  Free. 
And so you would be thought Virtuous, that you may be the more Conveniently Wicked.  Bel. 
Even so Faith.  Free. 
A very pious Design truly! yet I have known you affect a quite contrary Reputation, and were industrious to be thought a very Lewd Fellow; Nay, and I have known such a Character do a Man effectual Service with Women.  Bel. 
Ay, where Opportunities were easily met with; womens' Inclinations are alike in all places, but all Places are not alike. In London, 'tis difficult to be known; here, impossible to be concealed. Such a Character may do one Service with the Woman, but not with her Relations. There, you may make a thousand Cuckolds, yet they never hear of your, Name: Here, you cannot make one without being Intimate with him; and I'll undertake you shall not be three days in Town, but every Body in Town will know you; nay, and know, whence you came, how long you stay, what's your Business, and if you have none, they will feign enough for you; for I could name you such a Sett, so Inquisitive, such Detractors— But hold, yonder comes one will spare my pains.  Free. 
Who, that Old Fellow?  Bel. 
He's their Precedent: One who never spoke Commendably of any Mortal. There are no Degrees of Good with him, only some are less Bad than others; and indeed he has reason to talk, for he has been a Bubble to Man and Woman from his Infancy.  Free. 
Methinks his ill Nature should prevent him from that.  Bel. 
His ill Nature prevents him from designing to oblige any one, but he has so good an Opinion of his own Wisdom, that any one may make an Ass of him. Scurrility with him, is giving an Impartial Character, and that you may think he speaks Truth, he rails most at those of his own temper.  Free. 
Enough of him; Pray let me avoid being known to him.  Bel. 
Impossible; I'll undertake, tho' we have not been Landed these two hours, he has had an account of it already; and comes to Congratulate our Arrival, for he will be tolerably civil to the present Company, either out of fear, or design to gather something he may rail at.  Enter Wormwood. Worm. 
Mr. Bellmine, Your humble Servant.  Bel. 
Your Servant, Mr. Wormwood.  Worm. 
I am glad to see you in your own Country again; I heard you were come.  Bel. 
Freelove, d'ye hear?  Worm. 
I was told too there is an English Gentleman, your Friend, accompanied you hither: I suppose that may be he. Prithee what may be his Business? they say he is come to—  Bel. 
What, know his Business already! Come, I'll present you to him, and you may know it from himself Mr. Freelove be pleased to know this Gentleman, he is a plain Impartial Historian of the Times, and a very proper Acquaintance for a Stranger; for he knows the whole Town, and gives every one their just Character.  Worm. 
Why truly, Sir, as this Gentleman says, I do speak my Mind; I think no Body can tax me with Flattery.  Free. 
You should bid him have a care of Detraction too.  Bel. 
You'll spoil all, if he hears you (Apart) you'll terrify him into good Nature. No, he hates Detraction too; for 'tis not Detraction to speak ill of those who deserve it.  Worm. 
You are in the right, Sir, and that I would do, though it were of a Judge, and I had a Suit depending. I would sooner lose my Cause, than my honest way of Speaking.  Free. 
I believe you will be more Entertaining to this Gentleman, if you will tell him who are the Beauties of the Town.  Worm. 
If you will rely on the Lady's Characters of one another, there are none: For they are so Envious here (for which you must know I hate 'em) that each thinks the Commendation of another is a wrong done to herself, and that you deprive her of that Beauty you approve of in another.  Free. 
I have heard there were many fine Women in this Town.  Worm. 
It may be so; But you who are a young Gentleman, and I suppose would be acceptable to them, must have a care of saying so.  Free. 
Why so?  Worm. 
Because you must make your Court to the present, by railing at the absent.  Free. 
That is a New Way indeed.  Worm. 
An infallible Way to succeed. 'Tis what they practice to one another. I can name you some Women who visit and are visited by half the Town, are civilly treated, and have no Merit but Impudence and Scurrility. As for Example—  Bel. 
Have a care of Names.  Worm. 
I'll venture at hers. My Lady Volant.—  Bel. 
How, my Lady Volant! I never saw her, but have heard abundance of her. And is she in Being still: why what a bottomless sink of Malice is her Breast, that is not yet exhausted?  Worm. 
'Tis a Corrupted one, and taints every thing comes within it. She hates every Body, yet is the civilest Person in the whole World, when she would dive into your Affairs.  Bel. 
Or would borrow a Guinea. However she is a good Manager; for her Lodging and Diet cost her Nothing; she Bilks one, and Sponges for t'other.  Worm. 
I see you can Rail too.  Bel. 
Oh she's a public Pest. She has done more harm to deserving young ladies' Reputations, than the Small Pox has to their Faces.  Free. 
No more of her, I beseech you. But is there no Body Merits a Good Character?  Worm. 
You that are a Stranger may think there is. But those who deserve to be Laughed at next, are that young, Pert, Conceited Fool Vainly, who construes every Abuse a Compliment, and that old Lewd, Fat, Doting Feignyouth, who are both bewitched by her Ladyship.  Bel. 
How, Sir Francis Feignyouth.  Worm. 
The same. He fancies her Virtuous and Rich, tho' she has so very little of either, she would renounce her Virtue to borrow a Crown. And because she is reserved to him, he concludes she is is so every Body else.  Bel. 
This is Incredible. Is it possible he can be ignorant of her Character? he has Friends enough to inform him.  Worm. 
If you went about to inform him, you would find it a hard Matter to convince him of your Friendship; For he believes whoever speaks against her, has some design on her himself. As for Vainly, I think no Body values him enough to advise him.  Bel. 
What if I should advise Sir Francis; he cannot believe I have a design on her.  Worm. 
But he knows you have one on his Daughter Marina, and he'll imagine you advise out of Interest.  Bel. 
Well, Sir, I thank you for your Information, it may be of use to me. Will you please to Dine with us at the Globe: and let us know more of the Affairs of the Town. Come Freelove, I see your Man yonder, I suppose he has taken care of our Things; we'll Dine and change our clothes, and then take another Turn here.  Free. 
I suppose your Design is to meet your Masks again;  
But have a care, this unknown Face may prove  
Of Force, to overcome your former Love.  
You wear a brittle and an easy Chain,  
Who can to other Objects Passion Feign.  Bel. 
No, I can Feign, and yet my Heart defend.  Free. 
You're lost if on your own Strength you depend.  
The Straragems and Force of Woman's Eyes  
Subdue the Strong, Ensnare, and Fool the Wise.  [Exeunt.  

ACT II. Scene Continues.  Enter Wormwood. Worm. 
POx on this troublesome Coxcomb, he follows me again, there is no getting from him. If I abuse him, he thinks 'tis either Raillery, or like a Friend to tell him of his Faults.  Enter Vainly. Vain. 
I ask your Pardon, Sir, for staying behind you, but I could not help it. You saw the Occasion.  Worm. 
Not I, Sir, I did not mind it.  Vain. 
No! why some Ladies stopped their Coach, and desired to speak with me.  Worm. 
It may be so.  Vain. 
Well, certainly there is not so true a Friend, nor one so fit for a Confident as you are. You'll never seem to know any thing of your Friend's secrets. I do not believe if you saw me in bed with one of those Ladies, you would take any Notice of it; at least, I am sure you would not speak of it.  Worm. 
I am sure if I did, I should not be believed.  Vain. 
What!— You think I soar higher. No Faith, a Man in this Town must sometimes stoop below Title.  Worm. 
I'll say that for thee Vainly, thou hast Assurance and Pride enough to aim at an Empress.  Vain. 
I vow your Compliments make me blush, 'tis true, tho' I have just Pride enough to keep the Best Company, and Assurance to make use of an Opportunity.  Worm. 
Mistake me not, you have however Humility to dispense with a Kitchen Wench.  Vain. 
Thou art the most agreeable Man upon Earth; you say as obliging things to me, as I could to my Mistress. But dear Wormwood, dost thou really think that I can Suit myself so handsomely to my Company? am I so very obliging, so wondrous Civil?  Worm. 
The Civilest Person alive, for you never contradicted any Man, tho' he abused thee, nor ever made any Return to it but Thanks.  Vain. 
Why could any thing but so good a Friend, put the Construction of Civility upon such things, if I were Guilty of them.  Worm. 
There is no freeing myself from him, but by beating him. (Aside) Look ye, Sir, I shall not be so wondrous Civil as you are, therefore in short, neither trouble me with your Company, nor with your professions of Friendship.  Vain. 
Why, as you say, a professing Friend is to be suspected; we that are so Intimate, need not tell each other that we are so.  Worm. 
We Intimate! Leave abusing me. Dost think I would be Intimate with thee? for what? for that abundance of Powder in thy Perrewig? or for neatly Twisting that great Slabbering Bib? or for the nice Rowl of your Stockings? or for your Muff-String and the Buckle?  Vain. 
Better and better. Why then you do think I dress well; I confess all the Ladies in Town are of that Opinion.  Worm. 
Abominable Rogue! (Apart) I tell thee thou dost nothing well; thou art as dull in thy Conversation, as thou art pert in thy Behaviour. You set up for Dressing, as if you were newly returned from Paris, but do it as awkwardly as one of our Attorneys Clerks, or a young Collegian, who has just thrown off his Gown. Thou wouldst be thought Brave by that Long Sword, but wouldst fly the sight of a Bodkin. In short, thou art in nothing what thou wouldst be thought, but art in every thing what thou seem'st.  Vain. 
Well, such a Friend is an inestimable Jewel. I now pronounce myself a happy Man in having so sincere a Friend, so plain dealing an Acquaintance.  Worm. 
Again Friend; abuse me so again, and I'll spit thee with thy own Sword.  Vain. 
Why thou hast as much Modesty as good Nature.  Worm. 
Death, I have neither.  Vain. 
Who can deal thus honestly by me; and cannot hear yourself commended with the Title of my Friend.  Worm. 
The Title of thy Friend a Commendation: why this is past all Sufferance. Look ye, Sir, since I cannot persuade you to understand me by Words, I'll try to make you understand me by my Sword. Come, Draw Sir. (Drawing)  Vain. 
Draw Sir!  Worm. 
Ay, draw Sir, so I say, no Repetition.  Vain. 
What a Plague will you Fight a Man, because he calls you his Friend?  Worm. 
Friend again! that word has winged thy Destiny, as the Poets have it. I see the Rogue dare not Fight, I may push this matter home.  Vain. 
But Good Mr. Wormwood.—  Worm. 
Death, Sir, Draw I say, I shall make you Dance to a New Tune.  Vain. 
Oh Lard, Sir, is that all! how dull was I that I did not understand you! I protest, dear Sir, you had reason to take it ill, that I should be so tedious in Gratifying you. I learned a New Minuet yesterday; and tho' the place be not so proper, yet to show how earnest I am to oblige you. La, La, La, La. (Sings and Dances.)  Worm. 
Nay, than I think I may venture to put up my Sword, and beat Time with my Feet on your Buttocks thus and thus—  Enter Freelove and Bellmine. Free. 
What, Quarrelling Gentlemen! hold, hold.  Vain. 
Oh no, Sir, by no means; you do not know Mr. Wormwood, he's a facetious Person, and had a Mind we should practise a New Dance.  Bel. 
An Antic, I suppose.  Vain. 
Right, Sir, 'tis even so: if we can but get a Sett, you shall see what Sport we'll make at the next Ball.  Free. 
That, I hope, will be difficult.  Worm. 
Gentlemen, a word— I would not have you seen in that little thing's Company; you see he has no Sense nor Courage, and it may make the Wise and Brave reflect on you.  Free. 
We thank you for your Caution, Sir.  Vain. 
Mr. Bellmine, you know I always had a value for you; your Friend too seems a fine Gentleman, and I suppose is of your temper; would be acceptable to the Ladies; but nothing can be so destructive to that, as being seen with that old snarling ill bred Fellow; hang him, despise him, leave him.  Bell. 
Indeed to leave him to himself, is the surest way to Plague him, for ill Nature is its own Greatest Torment.  Vain. 
You are most Ingenious. Dear Mr. Bellmine, you and I will be wondrous great. Call your Friend away, and come with me. By your absence for some time, you may be out of Acquaintance. Come, I'll show you every Body. I'll make you acquainted with the whole Town this Afternoon. I have access every where. You know the Ladies were always Fond of me.  Bell. 
I desire not to intermeddle between such Ladies and you; therefore pray Excuse me.  Vain. 
Extremely obliging, kind to the last Degree; to deny yourself so great a Pleasure, for fear of Rivaling me. But I will not suffer that so much Goodness should prejudice you. Come, we are hard by Sir Francis Feignyouths, I'll carry you thither.  Bell. 
Are you acquainted there?  Vain. 
Goodness that you should not know that! most intimately, Sir. Truth is, they would be much fonder of me, but I'm often troubled with the Spleen, exceedingly troubled with the Spleen, Mr. Bellmine, and they poor Creatures do so Sympathize with me, that I never go there but I give it to them.  Bell. 
Faith thou art enough to give any one the Spleen.  Vain. 
Oh Good Sir, be not concerned; I would not for the world infect you; 'tis too much to be so nearly concerned for me: Besides there is no Danger of having it in your Ingenious Company; and that is the reason I go there so often to divert it, for Sir Francis's Daughter Mrs. Marina has a world of Wit, and her Cousin Aemilia is nothing short of her, they have both vast Sense, vast Sense they have indeed; and you know you may depend on my Judgement. Then they Write so Charmingly.  Bell. 
Have you any of their Letters?  Vain. 
Oh Goodness, Sir, what a Question is there?  Bell. 
A Question! why dost thou dare to say it?  Vain. 
Not a word you say, but gives me a proof how infinitely you value me. No 'tis base to boast of a Lady's Favour, that is the truth on't. I take your Caution extreme kindly Mr. Bellmine.  Bell. 
Death and Hell dare not to think it, not to hope it, nay, not to wish it.  Vain. 
Oh Enough, enough, a Word to the Wise; I will be more discreet for the future.  Bell. 
Discreet! Insolent Wretch— Death, thou deservest to be beaten.  Free. 
Bellmine so loud! Dost thou not know that next to the Disgrace of being Beaten, is that, of Beating those we know will bear it.  Bell. 
For thee even to name the Woman I admire, is almost enough to lessen my Good Opinion of her, did I not know you both.  Free. 
Away, mind him not.  Vain. 
Od's my Life, is one of them his Mistress? I thought there was something extraordinary it makes him so Choleric; he is Jealous and takes me for his Rival; nothing less could make him angry with me; But we that are admired by the Women, must expect to be envied by the Men. Pox take 'em, I could bear their Envy, but I don't relish this Quarrelling and Striking, and Hurting and Fighting, and Wounding and Dying, and the Devil and all. Where is the sense of it? I am sure every Body is so fond of me, that if they did but know how little I care for such things, there is not one would offer it to me, not one, I'm confident: Lest these Strangers should mistake my humour, I'll march off; and there is a rare Opportunity, a Hackney Coach coming this way with two Masks; I'll pretend they called me. Heigh! you Rascal! Coachman, don't you hear the Ladies cry hold? Dear Gentlemen, you see the Reason of my leaving you, there are some Ladies in the Coach call me; therefore I hope you will pardon the abrupt Departure of your most obedient faithful Servant. [Exit.  Worm. 
There's a Dog now, there's a Rogue. Why, would you prevent my Drubbing him? I would have kicked him into Jelly.  Free. 
If you had persevered, you had quickly made his feeling as dull as his understanding.  Worm. 
I attacked his most sensible part.  Free. 
And yet I have known some as Contemptible as he, boast of their success in Intrigues; nay, and boast with truth too, tho' one should imagine that Vice alone should destroy their future Success; since it is as imprudent in Women to put it in such men's power to boast, as it is in the Men base to be Guilty of it.  Bell. 
There is none so Despicable, but have some Quality to recommend them to some Body. Nay, it oft happens that a Man is admired by some, for that very Quality, for which others despise him: And Vainly has one Qualification will make many Men, and most Women value him.  Free. 
What is that?  Bell. 
A Good Estate.  Free. 
Those who want one, and imagine it to be a much greater Blessing than it is found to be by you, or any who possess it.  Worm. 
For my Part, I cannot help fretting that such dull Rogues as that, should have one. 'Tis a Gift of Fortune, as much missapplyed, as to confer swiftness on the Blind; for he can make no use of it; and that is all my Comfort. He Squanders it all away in Sword, Knots, Perrewigs, Essence, Powder, and such material Things.  Free. 
Oh Sir, Let every Man dispose of his Money as he pleases, so he is inoffensive to others. We have all different Appetites; his satisfaction lies in Gay clothes, your pleasure lies in not being pleased. One Man loves Drinking, another Intreagueing, Bellmine both; being a Man of an universal Genius.  Bell. 
Your Servant, Good Sir, you needed not have traveled so far for an Example. But yonder, I think, comes my old Dad that must be, who will exceed both you and I in those.  Worm. 
Yes, yes, 'tis all about the Town already that you are to marry his Daughter. But let me advise you one thing; Break off the Match between Sir Francis and my Lady Volant, or you will have but a slender Fortune with your Spouse.  Bell. 
But can it be possible that thou shouldst give this Advice, purely out of good Nature?  Worm. 
No, I do not; mind it not; 'twill Gratify my ill Nature, that thou shouldst not follow good Counsel. Forward the Match, and then Marry the Daughter for pure Love. But if I were you, I would choose to Marry his Niece Aemilia, that I might be sure not to have a Groat with her.  Free. 
And is not she a Fortune without Money?  Worm. 
Ha! ha! ha! the Man's mad. Why, what the Devil is Fortune but Money, or what is Woman or Honour or any thing else without it?  Free. 
Has she not Virtue, Sense, and Beauty?  Worm. 
The Woman is not ugly, that's the Truth on't. But where hast thou been Educated? where hast thou spent thy time? what hast thou conversed with? Nothing but old Fables and Romances, with your Lucretia's and Sempronia's, with your Cassandra's and Clelia's, and such stuff. In this Age talk of Virtue and Sense! why I tell thee—  Bell. 
Wormwood have a care, he's the Sex's Knight Errand.  Worm. 
Is he? why then let him suffer as much as any of those fancied ones to get his Mistress, (and she prove to be a Whore) (Aside) but if you will not give me leave to vent plain truths, I'll go think 'em. [Exit.  Free. 
I am much mistaken if this Fellow would not stand Kick and Cuff as heroically as t'other.  Bell. 
Altogether as rank a Poltroon; they only differ in the manner, not in the thing. But here is one will please us better,  Enter Sir Francis Feignyouth. Sir Fr. 
Mr. Bellmine, how I rejoice to see you again in Ireland! Well, and what price bear Wine and Women now in London? hah! does the Mall swarm with Masks, and is French Wine admitted yet?  Bell. 
Before we talk of such weighty Affairs, let me desire you would know my Friend here. (Salute.)  Sir Fr. 
Mr. Bellmine, Sir, has given you a Character will introduce you into the good opinion of all this Town.  Free. 
If it can purchase me yours, 'twill be the greatest Service it can ever do me.  Sir Fr. 
Oh Sir, your own Merit will always give you an absolute sway over, Sir, your most faithful humble Servant.  Free. 
My Merit, Sir, will make but a slender Figure in the presence of so accomplished a Person as Sir Francis Feignyouth.  Sir Fr. 
I protest, Sir, you make me blush— Nay no more I beseech you, my modesty will not suffer you to proceed. (an exceeding well-bred ingenious Person!) (Apart)  Bell. 
So, he has won his heart already. (Apart)  Sir Fr. 
Mr. Bellmine, no one has a better taste of Man than you. You have done your Country Service by bringing so fine a Gentleman to it. May I crave your Name, Sir?  Free. 
Freelove, at your Service, Sir.  Sir Fr. 
I have known several of that Name in England, fine Gentlemen all. Well, Sir, for your comfort, you will find Women here that are not Despicable; I know 'tis the greatest Commendation of any place to you young Gentlemen; But than Opportunities are scarce, there's no getting at 'em.  Bell. 
I hope that is no Fault to you who have a Family, Sir Francis?  Sir Fr. 
No, no, I speak in reference to you Gentlemen; I am passed such things myself.  Free. 
Past it, Sir! a Man of your Make, your Health and Sanguine Constitution, past it! no Sir, you are as Vigorous as ever.  Sir Fr. 
Think you so, Mr. Freelove? Do I seem very Strong, very Sanguine, very Vigorous? hah!  Free. 
As Five and Twenty, Sir.  Sir Fr. 
You Flatter me; I should find it hard to persuade the Women to that Belief.  Free. 
No Woman that has Eyes in her Head will doubt it; if she does, you can convince her another way.  Sir Fr. 
Odds me, I'll go see my Mistress incontinently: I am not so decayed as I thought. Well, Mr. Freelove, I am much obliged to you for your Compliments; if you will meet me at the Coffeehouse this Evening, I'll carry you to see my Mistress, to receive your Sentiments of her. I have a great Reliance on your Judgement; so much, that since you think me fit for it, I am resolved to be Married to Morrow.  Bell. 
How Sir! to be Married.  Sir Fr. 
Ay, to be Married, Sir, what have you to say against that Holy State? you will not declaim against Marriage before me, I hope?  Bell 
By no means, Sir, since I admire your Daughter, you may be sure it is that I covet.  Sir Fr. 
Do you so, then why do you not Marry, if you like one another?  Bell. 
I can promise for myself, and I hope there is no Aversion on her side. But there is something else to be Considered.  Sir Fr. 
What than Love! Do you pretend to Love, and Consider any thing else but Love? Consider! pish, that word agrees as ill with Love, as with one of thy age. Why, when I was a young Fellow, I never considered any thing but how to get a Mistress, and then how to get rid of her.  Bell. 
But you know, Sir Francis, in Matrimonial Cases, we are to consider how to maintain Children, and Housekeeping, and a Wife will expect a Coach, and a fine Equipage, and Gay clothes, and—  Sir Fr. 
And the Devil and all, I know it Sir, I know it.  Bell. 
Now Sir, tho' I have a tolerable Estate, yet the better to support your Daughter's Grandeur—  Sir Fr. 
You would have me starve myself.  Bell. 
No, no, I shall be very Moderate.  Sir Fr. 
Phoo, trust to my Fatherly Love Boy, trust to that. If not, yonder she goes, look upon her, and Consider if you can.  Bell. 
Is that she Sir? Freelove, the very Two we have been talking with this Morning! what a couple of Dull Rogues were we? (Aside.)  Sir Fr. 
Is that she? you a Lover, and can't distinguish your Mistress in a Mask! Yes, 'tis she, and my fine Niece Aemilia. Talk of Portions! Look on 'em I say; there's a Motion, there's an Air, there's an Air: See, see, how firm they tread, hah? and than see their Hips, how they jut, how they roll. Go, get ye gone, ye lazy Fellows, get ye gone. Odds me, don't stand staring after them, but follow them, and try how our Ladies can talk. Go, get ye gone. [Exit Bell.  Free. 
Well Sir, I'll meet you at the Coffeehouse. [Exit. Free.  Sir Fr. 
Very well, away, away.  
These young Fellows now adays are perfectly of the Woman's temper, must be forced to do what they Languish for, or they keep themselves so low, they must take time to be missed; I believe I am brisker than any of them— How the Jades have fired me. Woven I could meet with any thing that were not my own Flesh and Blood now— Any thing tho' she were in a Stuff Riding-hood.  
We that have Vigour, and our Stomachs keen,  
Can eat of any Dish, that's sound and clean. [Exit.  Enter Marina followed by Bellmine. Bell. 
Now am I resolved, for once, to give her a small proof of my unshaken Fidelity.  Mar. 
Now cannot I find in my heart to discover myself, tho' I long he should know me. I see, to Deceive is a greater Pleasure to our Sex, than to Love.  Bell. 
I perceive you are a Woman of Honour, by being so punctual to your assignation; but I am sorry so much Kindness as well as Justice, is thrown away on a Man, who is not inclinable to make use of either.  Mar. 
So indifferent, Sir! you talked in another strain this Morning.  Bell. 
Then I had some Reasons.  Mar. 
Why do you not still?  Bell. 
The Cause is removed.  Mar. 
What was that?  Bell. 
To give my Friend an Opportunity to talk to yours.  Mar. 
Why do you follow me now?  Bell. 
To contradict what I then said.  Mar. 
Truly, Sir, 'tis a very needless Trouble you give yourself, for be assured, I as little valued, as I credited what you said.  Bell. 
You see however, I am a Man of Conscience, and could not rest satisfied, till I endeavoured to convince you—  Mar. 
How little you value me.  Bell. 
That I value you— as much as a prudent Man ought to do a Mask. But that the Fates have otherwise disposed of my Heart.  Mar. 
Oh Ridiculous: is the Creature in Love!  Bell. 
Ridiculous:  Mar. 
Do not you know that every particular Woman despises a Man for Loving any thing but her dear Self? and will you be contemned by the whole Sex, to be esteemed by one?  Bell. 
I very well know, Madam, Love is a Passion despised by all over whom it has not a present Sway; not only by those who never yet Loved, but even by those who have Loved. But I never make other mens' sentiments a standard for my Pleasures.  Mar. 
And will you be laughed at by your own Sex, and despised by ours? and all perhaps for one who Loves some body else; Nay, 'tis very likely for one of so little Wit, that you will be laughed at more for your choice than passion.  Bell. 
Nothing can justify the Excess of my Passion, but the Excellence of the Object.  Mar. 
I have known some dote even on Deformity, and say the same thing; have fancied Beauties where there was nothing but Faults. But for my part, I should think it a scurvy Compliment to have my Lover say, his Passion and my Beauties, were owing to his Fancy.  Bell. 
And yet the most perfect owe their Conquests to that, or we should all Love the same Person.  Mar. 
I doubt not but your Fancy is unrivalled. Some Nauceous thing.  Bell. 
I tell thee perverse Woman, she is the most excellent of her kind; she is beyond my description; not only beyond your belief, but imagination.  Mar. 
Fulsom.  Bell. 
Thou dost almost provoke me to treat thee roughly; but that I perceive something in thy Air and Shape, not much different from hers, and for which I honour you.  Mar. 
Alas poor Dissembler! I thought I should Discover whence this uncommon Fidelity of yours proceeded. You very well knew to whom you professed it, and to whom you addressed these Commendations. I do not doubt but the old Gentleman I saw you talk to, discovered to you, who your humble Servant was. (Unmasks.)  Bell. 
Bless me, Madam, is it you!  
How could you have the Conscience to tempt Humane Frailty thus? and would you have blamed me, if I had been false to you, when tempted by you?  Mar. 
As if you did not know me!  Bel. 
Know your impossible. Come, indeed I should chide you, as well for trying my Faith, as for concealing yourself so long, when you know the Business of my coming here was to see you, and the Business of my Life to serve you. When I am sensible of no pleasure without you, and have no wish beyond you.  Mar. 
Hold, hold, or I shall believe you imagine I have my Mask on still; when nothing will pass for good Sense that is not strained beyond it; nor for a Compliment under Profaneness; nor for Love that is not ridiculously affected.  Bell. 
You must allow a little heat at first sight, after so tedious an Absence.  Mar. 
That shall not excuse you, if I find you knew me, for I cannot endure to be undermined.  Bell. 
What will convince you that I did not? shall I have recourse to Swearing? and—  Mar. 
And Dissembling. No, those are too oft practised to gain Credit with me. But come, I'll refer it to your Friend that is walking before us; I hear he's a Man of Sincerity: And if you have fooled me, by talking thus, when you all the time knew me, expect nothing but Frowns from me these three Days. [Exeunt.  Enter Aemilia followed by Freelove. Free. 
I will still pretend I know her not, that I may see how she will resent my Passion for another. (Speaks entering Aside)  
Believe me, Madam, when I protest it was an affected, and own it was a brutal Entertainment you received from me this Morning. But I come now full of Repentance, and full of Hopes you entertain the same favourable Thoughts of me, you then seemed to have.  Aem. 
There has no alteration happened in my Mind since, but there seems to be in yours.  Free. 
A Reflection on your Goodness, Wit, Shape, and Air, was able to soften a heart more hard than mine; But a second View and farther Proofs, have confirmed it to you.  Aem. 
Should he say this and not know me? I'm lost. (Aside) A bad Face (as perhaps mine is) will soon lose my Conquest.  Free. 
It must be bad indeed, if so many other Charms cannot atone for it. Be what it will, I admire it.  Aem. 
You prove your Generosity in giving your heart to a Stranger; but that makes me doubt your Constancy; a Virtue in a Lover, which every Woman has the Vanity to expect, tho' so few deserve it.  Free. 
You want no assurances of my future Constancy, if you believe I now Love you; for no one ever Loved, who did not conclude he should always Love the same.  Aem. 
I must conclude you very Rash and Imprudent, to profess such Love to you know not whom.  Free. 
The more I show my Imprudence, the fiercer I prove my flame; trust me, it is a Dull and Languid Passion, which can be checked by any Consideration. Shall I, to be thought prudent by a World, where some will hate me for being so, and the rest do me no good, debar myself of real Pleasures? No, no, Prudence must submit to pleasure, with me.  Aem. 
What! have you no regard to Reputation?  Free. 
As much as any Man. But whatever we pretend 'tis pleasure rules us. We do not this, nor forbear that, for the real good of the thing, but that it pleases us. The Woman that is chaste, is not so for the sake of that Virtue, but the Fame of being so, delights her more, than the Joys she receives by being otherwise. When any Woman refuses what I request, and Love prompts; I conclude, 'tis because she values something more than Love and me; and she who suffers any thing to come in Competition with her Love, Loves not.  Aem. 
You have given me great Advantage over you; for since I have not professed a Passion for you, I am not obliged to any of these Extravagancies, but you are.  Free. 
I own it. There is nothing I will refuse, that Love and you require.  Aem. 
And you profess this mighty Passion to me only?  Free. 
Witness it Heaven and Earth, to you only.  Aem. 
Ungrateful Fickle Mah! Look here, behold this Face, and be as much confounded to behold who 'tis, as grieved 'tis not a Stranger to your Baseness.— Oh that Submission well becomes thee now, but dost thou think I am that tame forgiving Fool, a Bow can Reconcile me to thee, make me forget thy inconsiderate Rash Temper? when e'er I do, I shall forget thee too; remembering one, I shall remember both, and both despise.  Free. 
'Tis as I wished.  Aem. 
What's as you wished? that I have found thee false; art thou come here only to publish it? 'tis well thou canst not publish too, that I ever made thee a Return to thy feigned Passion; that would indeed increase thy Pride.  Free. 
You never have till now.  Aem. 
Till now! unheard of Impudence! what! when I tell how I disdain a Vice, must you misconstrue it for Love?  Free. 
Yet, am I pleased, o'erjoyed at all this Wrath, which shows your Jealousy; the greatest sign I e'er could yet receive, that I am not indifferent to you; to have this proof it was, that I disguised my knowledge who you were.  Aem. 
Oh Hypocrite! Artful Dissembler! how quick to catch at an Excuse! this shows thy Cunning, not thy Innocence, while I supposed thee Honest, 'twas easy to delude me, and gain a Credit in every thing. Now thou art known, I doubt each word, Even known Truths uttered by thee, would be suspected.  Free. 
Do not Persist in this; why will you dash my rising Joy, my first and only hour of Bliss? I sought to know if you valued me enough to be Jealous, and would be happy in the search, could I now remove your Doubts— for I Love—  Aem. 
No doubt, you Love; Love every thing you meet; and therefore 'tis I'll none of it. Therefore I'll leave you to gratify your Roving Humour. Run, Fawn, Caress each Common Thing you meet; give them thy heart, a present only fit for such; try which can affect a Passion most, and which can first Deceive. While such as I, look with disdain on thee, and pity upon them. [Exit.  Free. 
Oh Confusion! what have I done? searching to discover her Love, my only Happiness, I have forfeited it. Curse on my impertinent Curiosity. (Enter Bellmine.)  
Curse on my dull Designs! my Concern too hindered my telling her, her Uncle could witness I knew her. Before she's undeceived, she may take some resolution for ever Fatal to my Love and Quiet. Nay, I have given her a Moment's disquiet; were I an Age upon a Rack, 'twere but a poor Atonement. Oh, I could tear this prating Tongue out by the Roots, beat out these stupid Brains; and only spare my heart, because 'tis hers.  Bell. 
What's the meaning of all this? here's some Mischief towards. I met your Mistress frowning, and find you ranting. What Quarrel already! this Matrimony runs so in, your head, it has quite spoiled your Humour; stay till the Comfortable indissolvable Knot is tied, and then I shan't wonder. You Jar like Man and Wife already.  Free. 
Oh Bellmine! I have done the most imprudent thing— You need not wonder at my Rage, since you beheld her frowns. I am the Ridiculous Cause of Both. I must be making Experiments.  Bell. 
Why, I have been about some such matter too, which had like to have happened ill. But thanks to a little decent Assurance, and some few necessary Oaths, all's well again. My fair Lady having no great reason to think me the most constant of Lovers, I was resolved to let her see, I was not to be tempted, and pretended not to know her.  Free. 
Did you leave her in that Opinion?  Bell. 
Or I would ne'er have left her. I were a hopeful Fellow indeed; and had improved my Time well in the world, if I could not persuade and swear my Mistress to any Opinion.  Free. 
You swore it too, you did not know her?  Bell. 
Swore it! ay lustily: what dost think I would scruple an Oath to put a Lady in a good Humour?  Free. 
What unlucky Stars were they which brought us together, and what an unnatural Conjunction; that ever I should enter into strict Friedship with one who is my perfect Reverse!  Bell. 
What art thou mad?  Free. 
I Dreaded I had ruined myself, and you have Conscientiously by your Genteel Qualities of Lying and Swearing confirmed it. I am undone, if Aemilia believes I did not know her, and Marina will confirm her in that belief, thanks to your Industry and Conscience.  Bell. 
Pish is that all? why, I'll forswear it again, Man, to do you Service.  Free. 
If you could but prevail with yourself to speak truth, there would be no occasion for this Complaisance.  Bell. 
Speak truth to a Woman! why you see what comes of it. I tell thee the Sex bear such a Detestation to it, that no man ever succeeded with them that practised it. But come, Sir Francis Feignyouth expects us by this time to carry us a visiting; I have a mind to see whither her Ladyship be improved in Scandal; what new Reputations she has sacrificed to her Malice.  Free. 
I am in no humour to be delighted with such things.  Bell. 
I never knew any Man so easily dejected in Love Affairs. I have already advised you always to dissemble in Relation to Women. I will give you one Caution more, in relation to all matters as well as to that.  
ne'er let your mind be with Despair overcast;  
But always hope, you will Succeed at last.  
'Tis better far to hope, although those hopes deceive,  
Than to despair of Bliss, and yet the Bliss receive.  [Exeunt.  

ACT III. Scene Lady Volant's.  Enter Timothy and Lady Volant. Tim. 
DOn't you think, Madam, that I'll bear this Life any longer, I will not endure to be used thus; nor must you think to talk to me at this Rate.  Lady Vol. 
Not suffer me to talk! you saucy Fellow; do you know who I am?  Tim. 
A very needless Question to be put to me by my Lady Volant, considering the Familiarities that have passed between us; your Pride, your Malice, your Inquisitiveness, your Detraction, are known to all the Town; and your Ladyship's Chastity and Wealth in a more particular manner to your pretended Steward, Timothy Tellpenny.  Lady Vol. 
And do you upbraid me for having these Qualities so agreeable to yourself; and for the want of those you have ruined? Did I take you up half Starved, and in Rags, Fed you like an Epicure, and Clothed you like a Gentleman, till you are as overgrown in Bulk, as with Pride? maintained you so well, made you live in so much Plenty and Ease, that there is as great an alteration in your Person as Circumstances; so great, that you neither are known by others nor by you self: And is this the Reward I have?  Tim. 
No, you have been rewarded to the full, my Good Lady. That you nourished my Person, was for your own sake; if I had not been of more than Herculean strength, you had reduced me to a Shadow ere this, to ashes. And has not the Credit of my being your Steward gained you so much? Have not I managed and spared prudently, and borrowed for you profusely? Have not I by my Art imposed you on the Town for a great Fortune, when you know you were never able to give me a Guinea, that I did not first borrow for you?  Lady Vol. 
But who must pay those Debts?  Tim. 
Who? my Wit must; your Jointure never will. Have not I wrought Sir Francis Feignyouth to Love you? Have not I persuaded him to a Belief, that your ill Nature is Wit, and that your Pride is Virtue; that the decay of your Person proceeds from a neglect of yourself, and not from Age; tho' you know you are equally industrious to be thought handsome yourself, as that no body else may be thought so. And have not I made your Poverty pass upon him for good Management? and least we should be disappointed of him, have I not used the same Arts to Vainly?  Lady Vol. 
You have taken Pains to get me a Husband, that I must own.  Tim. 
As much as ever a young sanguine Wife did, to get an Heir to a Rich feeble Husband; gone to as many places, and tried as many Men.  Lady Vol. 
But to what purpose have you succeeded yet?  Tim. 
Ay, to be sure 'tis the Man is always blameable. I had succeeded long since, if you would be pleased to govern that unruly Member, your Tongue; which is ever employed in Flattering the present, and Railing at the absent; so disoblige both, for so you do but rail, you no more consider to whom, than of whom you speak.  Lady Vol. 
Nay, Good Tim, I relent, thy words pierce my heart.  Tim. 
You will exclaim against a standing Army before a broken Officer, and praise one before a politic Senator; you are never of the same Religion with those you are in Company with, but change it with every Visitor: A Fanatic before Papists, and with fanatics for Jure divino; you commend Ireland when out of it, and abominate it now you are here; you condemn Plays before Poets, and adore Sermons before Atheists; you rail at Ladies before their Lovers; and at Husbands before their Wives; but that I think is not much minded, you have not got many Enemies by that.  Lady Vol. 
I beseech you, do not treat me thus.  Tim. 
Is there one Person in Town you have not vilified? and to make the Scandal bring more certain Ruin with it, have you not aspersed other people with your own actions? Do I not know all your Faults, and have not I carefully concealed all for above these three years, that I have known you?  Lady Vol. 
Thou hast, I own it, I was to blame to deny thee.  Tim. 
And after all I have done, and all I expect to do, refuse me a Guinea, and when I carried the Plate to pawn too.  Lady Vol. 
There, there's a couple for you, tho' you know dear Tim, how very few more I have left.  Tim. 
Pretty Rogues! Comfortable Rogues! how they mollify me! how they smile on me! you know Madam, is to entry on your Projects, alas, what occasion should I have for Money, but to do you Service! what have I almost forgot! Mr. Bellmine, who they say is to Marry Sir Francis's Daughter, is Landed this Morning; now you must use all your Art to delay this Marriage, till your own be perfected, and till you have got the Knight's Money in your own hands; for Mr. Bellmine, having a good Estate, will require a great Portion, which will disable Sir Francis from paying your Debts, and spoil our Projects on him, for his Estate being Entailed, he cannot raise much, and the moment he is Married, I will arrest him for Four or Five thousand Pounds you must pretend to owe me.  Lady Vol. 
Four or Five thousand! Ten or Twelve.  Tim. 
Ever insariable. No, no, such a Debt and the Bondage of Matrimony together, will break his heart.  Lady Vol. 
Well, I leave all to your Management.  Tim. 
Is not that a Coach stopped? 'tis some visitor, I will usher them up. (Exit.)  Lady Vol. 
How insolent the Rogue is grown! Thus we are ever used by such Fellows, when we put ourselves in their Power; and we never treat them better than they deserve, but they treat us as we deserve; I am glad however he knows not my Grand Secret; that would make him Ten times more saucy. I have concealed it above these five years, not only from him, but from the whole Town, and with much ado, heaven knows, considering how much depends on it, the place, and my Female Frailties, for I have observed that Secrets of the greatest Consequence, are preserved with the greatest pain. That we could but keep a Secret with as much ease, as we can dissemble! but the Reason's plain, the one gives us trouble, the other pleasure, as for Example. (Enter Vainly.)  
Mr. Vainly, your most humble Servant.  Vain. 
Your most Obedient Vassal, Dear Madam.  Lady Vol. 
Your Company, Mr. Vainly, is so coveted by every one, that it is impossible you should make any particular person happy with it, often or long. You are grown a Stranger here.  Vain. 
I protest Madam, ever since I was here last night, I have been so tormented with the Spleen.  Lady Vol. 
Alas Sir, that is a cruel Distemper truly. But it is a Fine you must pay for Wit. You Wits are all subject to that.  Vain. 
We are so indeed, Madam; and really I believe I have it to a more violent degree than anyone. I swear Madam, it has such an effect on me sometimes, that I do not put above half a pound of Powder in my Periwig for a whole day, and Discomposes my Face so violently, that I cannot bear even the sight of a Looking-Glass, and I hurry abroad without the Garniture of a Patch, or a Sword-knot.  Lady Vol. 
Is't possible! nay, if it makes you neglect yourself, your Friends must expect to be served so too.  Vain. 
Every thing is disagreeable to me then, but your Ladyship. That I think was Nice. (Aside.)  Lady Vol. 
Oh Lard, Sir!  Vain. 
Nay, I swear 'tis truth. Alas Madam, 'tis scarce a Compliment in this dull Town.  Lady Vol. 
Do you think it so too, Mr. Vaînly?  Vain. 
Oh Madam, I cannot bear it.  Lady Vol. 
Nay solemnly, Sir, it was a great while before I could; it agreed as ill with my Constitution, as it doth with my Inclinations; but, thank my Stars, I have done tolerably well, since my being Naturalised. How fortunate am I to have my Opinion strengthened by one of your Judgement! 'tis a horrid place, and I vow. (as you say Mr. Vainly) I do not see a pretty Woman in it.  Vain. 
Not one but your Ladyship; nor is there an agreeable Man here.  Lady Vol. 
Only Mr. Vainly. The Women are so affected.  Vain. 
And the Men so Proud.  Lady Vol. 
So Censorious—  Vain. 
And so selfish— and when a parcel of 'em are met together, so talkative.  Lady Vol. 
They make as much Noise as a Crowd of Apprentices at a Bonfire.  Vain. 
But now we talk of such People; Mr. Bellmine is Landed this Morning, who is to Marry Mrs. Marina; and with him there is come a Gentleman who has the same design on Aemilia.  Lady Vol. 
No doubt they'll succeed; since one is as little admired for her Wit and Beauty, as the other is for her Fortune.  Vain. 
Ha, ha, ha, Your Ladyship has the neatest Way of Raillery, I have had some Encouragements there; and I do nor doubt but Mr. Freelove (for that's his Name) will desist as I did, when she hears he is a Beggar, and when he has seen your Ladyship.  Lady Vol. 
You are so obliging— But pray what sort of a Man is he? he must needs be an extraordinary Person who has so particular a Fancy.  Vain. 
He was very fond of me, till he began to suspect me for his Rival, so was Bellmine too. The best I know of him is, he is just come from dear England, and has been lately in much dearer France The worst I know of him, or indeed can know is, that though he wears fine clothes, he has no more Money than his Mistress.  Lady Vol. 
Oh hideous!  Vain. 
The best Jest is (for all the Town know it already) tho' they are acquainted with each other's Condition, they are in Love with each other, and are resolved to Marry.  Lady Vol. 
And Starve. Oh Matrimony and Poverty joined, are Comfortable Things! Sure his Head is as empty as his Pocket.  Vain. 
That I suppose, you will soon be convinced of; for I saw him with Sir Francis Feiguyouth, who I do not Question will bring him here this Evening.  Lady Vol. 
Alas, Mr. Vainly, you know I cannot be so rude to refuse a Visit, or I would never suffer that Ridiculous Fellow to come within my Doors; but Civility often constrains us to do what we hate.— I think I hear some Body coming— You'll pardon me if I retire, it would not bear the appearance of Decency to be found Entertaining you alone; I assure you my Woman would not behave herself thus, were any other here but you. You'll Excuse me Sir—  Vain. 
Oh Dear Madam, this Confidence in me, is the greatest Honour that can be conferred on, Madam, your most Obedient Servant. [Exit Lady Volant.  
She is fond of me to a violent Degree, that's plain; the next time I come, I will propose Marriage to her; I fear no Rival, especially that Old Fop.  Enter Sir Fra. Feignyouth, Freelove and Bellmine. Sir Fr. 
Come Gentlemen, come, you shall see now, if I han't made a Good Choice, you shall.— Ha! how! what! Vainly here! Pray Sir, if I may be so bold, what is your Business here?  Vain. 
My Business, Sir!  Sir Fr. 
Ay Sir, your Business, Sir; I think I speak very plain, Sir?  Vain. 
Oh Dear Sir Francis! Plain Dealing is a Jewel, you cannot oblige me more, than to deal plainly and freely by me. I take it for a signal proof of your Kindness.  Sir Fr. 
Here's a shifting young Rogue; who would have thought it had so much Cunning. But answer me to the purpose, or I shall try how you can evade a Pass of this. What is your Business here?  Vain. 
The Business of all the World, Sir; to wait on my Lady Volant.  Sir Fr. 
Is it so? And have you seen her?  Vain. 
Have I seen her! Oh Goodness, what a Question there is? Pray Sir, do my Visits use to be refused, Sir?  Sir Fr. 
There are indeed some Ladies, who treat all Men alike, the Impertinent with the same Regard they do the Man of Sense, the Little, Fiddling, Prating Fop like the Man of Honour and Discretion; But my Lady Volant is no such, she can distinguish, she can Sir—  Vain. 
Ay, I know it Sir, I know it; and you will find so in a little time.  Sir Fr. 
Why ye Little, Young Pert, Prating, Fiddling Boaster, do you hope to Succeed, where I have Pretensions? Don't you know that I can Fight? ha—  Free. 
Not with this Gentleman I hope, Sir Francis. Methinks you mistake the right use of him; he is properer for your Diversion than your Anger.  Vain. 
Ay Sir, 'tis very true. I have fought, Sir, several times, but in my Opinion, Laughing and Talking is better Sport by the half.  Bell. 
Especially to one whom it becomes so well as you.  Vain. 
Your most humble Servant, Sir: I am glad we have Gentlemen come to us now that understand Breeding and Conversation; 'Tis not to be had here. I protest, Sir, I am forced to go to England once a year, to refine my understanding.  Bell. 
What need you put yourself to that Trouble? Cannot you keep a Correspondence with your Tailor?  Vain. 
With my Tailor, Sir!  Bell. 
Yes; For all you Learn by your Journey, is a New Fashion; and all you understand is, whither your clothes be well made.  Vain. 
You are so obliging, Sir. Truly I think this Coat is very well Cut, sits with a Good Air. I had it sent me by an Express from London; for I cannot bear any thing but what comes from thence. Oh 'tis a happy Place! and in a blessed Country, where there are all things necessary, where there are such pleasures, and such Conveniencies to enjoy them!  Free. 
I have been told you have all those here.  Vain. 
Oh not one, Sir, not one.  Free. 
You have good Wine?  Vain. 
Yes, yes, that's true, I had forgot that.  Free. 
Plenty of all sorts of Fish and Flesh.  Vain. 
Phoo, they are perfect Drugs. Plenty of Meat and Drink; but nothing else.  Free. 
The People are Civil and Obliging.  Vain. 
Especially to Strangers.  Free. 
And Hospitable.  Vain. 
To a Fault, Sir.  Free. 
The Air is Good, a temperate Climate.  Vain. 
Much the same as in England.  Free. 
The Soil is Rich.  Vain. 
Oh 'tis too Rank.  Free. 
What necessaries then, or what pleasures do you want? You have fine Women.  Vain. 
They are kind I am sure.  Free. 
To you chiefly I suppose.  Vain. 
Shall I make a Confession then among my Friends? I do not believe ever any Man has been so successful. I do not know that ever I asked in vain.  Sir Fr. 
I can hold no longer. Why thou little worthless Contemptible Wretch! Do you entertain Strangers with your aversion for your Country, without being able to give one Reason for it; and can you give but one Reason for liking it, which if it were true, would make all others abhor it. The Women fond of thee! Why the Common Hackneys who live by thee, Contemn thee. But such as he think if he is not affronted, he is beloved.  Vain. 
You must know, Sir, (to Freelove) he is Jealous of me, that makes him so peevish, he used to be very fond of me. Therefore I'll tell you more of this some other time, and in the mean time study all Opportunities of showing how much I am, Sir, Your most Obedient humble Servant.  [Exit Vainly. Free. 
Your Servant Sir. This Spark takes leave, I perceive, always alike, I suppose too of every Body alike, and in the same Style as he concludes his dull Insipid Billetdoux.  Sir Fr. 
Ay, hang him, hang him, he is always dully Brisk and Impertinent. But here she comes who is all perfection.  Enter Lady Volant. 
Madam, Your Ladyship's Slave. Be pleased to know these Two Gentlemen; this is Mr. Freelove, and this is Mr. Bellmine. You see, Madam, how Communicative I am to you of every thing that is Good; you shall share all my Goods.  Lady Vol. 
This is a signal Proof indeed.  Sir Fr. 
This Gentleman is in Love with my Niece, and this with my Daughter. What say you, Madam, shall we be Married all together? keep time, odd, I believe I could— make it a day of Revelling, and a night of Loving, Feast all day and Kiss all night.  Lady Vol. 
Sir Francis, I have all the Respect and Friendship for you, that a Man of your Excellent Parts can require with Modesty, but I must desire you not to talk so loosely before me. Marriage is a sacred thing, Sir Francis, a very sacred thing; yet it is a thing, Sir Francis, that may be abused, and may be perverted to raise indecent and unruly Cogitations.  Sir Fr. 
I told you how reserved she was. (To Free. and Bel.)  Lady Vol. 
I presume you found Mr. Vainly here. I assure you, Sir Francis, I left the Room because he tacitly employed the thing Marriage, tho' on his knees, and with all the Chastity and Modesty imaginable.  Bell. 
There she has given the Reason. (To Freelove)  Free. 
Can he mistake this for Virtue? I would as soon take a Bully's Rant for true Courage, or a Cringing Designing Courtiers low bow for true Humility. This Ridiculous Cant, this affected Squeamishness is as nauseous to me, as open Lewdness, and I am sure as certain a sign, and a greater Crime, for she adds Hypocrisy.  Bell. 
I am so far of your Opinion, that if you will take him aside, I am resolved to make Love to her.  Free. 
What at first! and to what end?  Bell. 
I have just now a Project conceived in my head, but I have not time now to impart it.  Sir Fr. 
Son Bellmine, you must try to prevail with my Lady here, and as you succeed with her for me, so you must expect to succeed with me for my Daughter.  Lady Vol. 
Oh for some Art to Charm him from Marina; or at least delay the Match; for I must dally no longer with my old Gentleman. (Aside)  Bell. 
This is a severe Task, Madam, that Sir Francis has imposed upon me: To require me to make Love to you, and not for myself.  Lady Vol. 
He is very sensible, Sir, that his Daughter has Charms to secure you from one much more engaging.  Bell. 
Father's are as Blind as Lovers. And give me leave to think he is a much more indulgent Father, than passionate Lover, or he would dread your greater Power would make me false both to my Love and Friendship: And should Marina make the same Trial of my Constancy, she would convince me she exceeds you as much in Vanity, as she is inferior to you in every Charm.  Lady Vol. 
Truly, Sir, if Sir Francis had such a Talon of Elocution, I believe he might have succeeded long since. And for his Daughter, I conjecture I am not much inferior to her in the superlative Charm, Fortune.  Bell. 
That never was a Charm to me; tho' I could wish it were one to you, since I can at least equal Sir Francis's.  Lady Vol. 
Sure, Sir, you can have no other design in this, but to try with what temper I can support such Compliments.  Bell. 
That is not my design, I assure you.  Lady Vol. 
Is it not indeed, Sir? on your Veracity.  Bell. 
No, on my Honour, Madam; nor can you suppose it is. Methinks a Lady of your piercing Wit, should in a Moment read ones thoughts, as in a Moment so much Beauty Conquers.  Lady Vol. 
'Tis as dangerous to believe one of you young Gentlemen, as it is difficult to deny so fine a Person.  Bell. 
Convince me, you think me the latter, by allowing me a Moment's Free Conversation.  Lady Vol. 
Alas Sir, even to talk thus is a Liberty I never permitted to any before; and I am sure you cannot in reason ask more.  Bell. 
Lovers are always thought Extravagant in their Demands, by the indifferent. Therefore I fear to ask what I would give the World for, that you would let me see you this Evening in St. Stephen's- Green.  Lady Vol. 
Oh me Sir, what would the World say! or what I value more, what would you think?  Bell. 
The World shall never know it, and for me—  Sir Fr. 
What say you Sir, have you no Estate?  Free. 
Not an Acre, Sir.  Sir Fr. 
Nor Money?  Free. 
Not a Penny.  Sir Fr. 
A strange dull Fellow this! (Aside) And have you really now the Conscience to make Love to my Niece. Can you imagine that she will throw herself away upon you in the Bloom of her Youth; one of her Wit and Beauty. But perhaps you think she has an Equal Stock of Money, and so hope to make your Fortune by her: But I can assure you, she is in the same Circumstances as you are, not worth a Penny.  Free. 
I knew it when first I saw her, yet my Love received not the least Check by that; I hope she will prove as Generous.  Sir Fr. 
Generous do you call it? Death! you make me mad. What a Pox is there no way to be thought Generous, but by becoming Mad and Begging. And pray Sir, if I may ask you a Civil Question, if she were Generous enough, as you call it, and mad enough, as I call it, to Marry you, how would you Maintain her, Sir?  Free. 
Oh, trust to our Stars for that.  Sir Fr. 
I hope she will have more Grace. Trust to your Stars for that! I would as soon trust you for ten Thousand Pounds. I have not heard a Fellow talk so Sillily in all my life. (Aside)  Free. 
And I assure you Sir, were our Circumstances changed, you should command that Sum from me. I have so great an Honour for you, and so high an Opinion of your Worth and Integrity.  Sir Fr. 
Strangely Impertinent! (Aside) I beseech you good Romantic Sir, put not yourself to the trouble of making these professions to me, for to be free with you, I no more regard your Compliments than I want your assistance. A perfect Fool! Methinks too a very ugly, ungentile Man, as ever I saw! (Aside.)  Free. 
I hope, Sir, I shall not find you my Enemy in this matter however.  Sir Fr. 
No, no Sir, you need no other Enemy than yourself, and those Stars you were talking of. Your Servant Sir, I must mind my own Affairs now. What a confounded Friend has Bellmine chosen out? no doubt a Sharper, and lives upon him. But I'll quickly part 'em, when he is Married to my Daughter. (Aside.)  Free. 
'Tis well my Breach with Aemilia is repaired; by his owning he told me who she was, or he would never do me that Justice now; for I perceive by this Declaration of mine, I have forfeited his good Opinion. He cannot relish even Flattery from the mouth of a Man he thinks is in want. (Aside)  Sir Fr. 
And she has listened to your Arguments, you say, and seems Compliant?  Bell. 
Yes Sir, she has promised to comply with what I desired. (Enter Servant.)  
Madam, here are some Ladies come to wait on you.  Lady Vol. 
Oh me! I would not for a Kingdom be found alone Entertaining Men. This is a Censorious Town, and I would not give them an Advantage over my Bright Reputation.  Sir Fr. 
I believe it may be my Niece and Daughter, I ordered them to attend your Ladyship this Evening. Ay, 'tis so, 'tis so. Observe now, Sir, if she has not too much Wit, to be so Generous as to Marry you for Love only, and to trust to your Stars.  Enter Aemilia and Marina. Free. 
I am sure if she Marrys for any other Reason, it shall not be me.  Lady Vol. 
I protest Ladies, were it any but you, who surprised me in this indecent Criminal Converse, I should never have the assurance to obtrude myself upon Company again.  Aemi. 
I assure your Ladyship, we have not perceived any thing Criminal; and if you please to keep your own Council, we are not at all Curious.  Lady Vol. 
Ay, but Madam, to be entertaining men alone, that's the thing grieves me.  Mar. 
No, 'tis because that you have not a Man alone, that's the thing Grieves you. (Aside.)  Lady Vol. 
For they are so Censorious here, that really I do not in all the Sphere of my Memory recollect one Woman whose Reputation is not Contaminated.  Mar. 
I am sorry to hear that.  Lady Vol. 
Your Ladyships excepted. Truth on't is, they make themselves obnoxious to such Calumnies by their Imprudent Behaviour. For was not my Lady Courtly seen twice in one week at the Play? and was not my Lady Blameless in a Mask in the Gallery? and was not Mrs. Wellbred heard most Impiously and Obscenely to wish it were the Custom in this Town, for Women to sit in the Pit? and is not Mrs. Winlove seen to walk often in St. Stephen's- Green.  Mar. 
I beseech you, Madam, do not Censure Ladies for this, for I have been Guilty of all these things several times.  Lady Vol. 
What! and do you own it?  Aem. 
Certainly own it; for if there be a Fault in it, it is only when it is made a secret.  Lady Vol. 
Sir Francis, I protest you must pardon me, if I Conjecture these Ladies have strange Crude Notions of Honour.  
Well Ladies, you may do what you please, but I would no more be Guilty of these things, than I would sit at a Play in the second Row, which I think very improper for one of my Quality.  Bell. 
And Beauty, Madam.  Lady Vol. 
Oh Sir! why really I think it a Disgrace to both. But I hope you do not approve the Behaviour of some, who are remarked for daily admitting the visits of Men.  Aem. 
I must Confess, Madam, I seldom refuse their visits whose Conversation I like.  Lady Vol. 
Oh hideous! what can you regard in men's Conversation, that is Divertive? they are all Insidious, you may believe me. They are always pestering a Woman with their Love, than they beg Liberty to repeat their Visits, and implore a reciprocal Passion; and not contented with that, they desire to wait on her abroad, nay, to meet 'em abroad alone, and Masked, and when they have procured our Consent so far, than they imprudently proceed to—  Mar. 
Good Madam, do not you proceed farther at this time.  Lady Vol. 
I was only going to Caution you of the Danger, and warn you to keep them at a distance, a vast distance, for some of 'em are so forward, that if we permit 'em to squeeze our Hand, they will incontinently Write to us, and the first Opportunity that offers, will force a Kiss, and they have no sooner ravished that, but—  Aem. 
Indeed, Madam, we want no Caution to avoid all this, nor should I think any Man Impudent, who attempted all these things, if I granted him any one of them.  Lady Vol. 
'Tis my great Concern for you, that's all; for I would have every one's Reputation as unsullied as my own.  Free. 
What a damned Malicious Jade it is? (Apart)  Sir Fr. 
No Niece, you want no Caution in this matter; but you do in another as Material as your Reputation; your Fortune, I mean. For indeed who can preserve a Reputation without Money, or if one should, who regards it?  Free. 
So, now for a Lash at me.  Sir Fr. 
Look here, Niece, here is a Gentleman has given himself the trouble to come hither to make Love to you, without having Money enough to pay for a Licence, or the Wedding Dinner.  Free. 
Madam, I own.—  Sir Fr. 
Ay, ay, he owns it, what would you have more; a very honest undesigning Gentleman as ever I saw.  Free. 
I have no hopes you should ever have a favourable thought for me, if it is to be purchased with Wealth. But if the sincerest Passion, the humblest Adoration, a Heart immoved by any thing but you, can atone for the want of Wealth—  Sir Fr. 
Satisfy yourself, Sir, they will not. Nor your fine Person, nor your Wit, nor your Courage, nor your Stars, nor a thousand things more. To convince you how small I think their Power, I will leave you in my Mistress's Lodgings. Come Girls, come away. Madam, as soon as I have disposed of my Daughter, I will beg to be made happy.  Aem. and Mari. 
Your Ladyship's Servant.  Lady Vol. 
Your most humble Servant. Nay, I will wait on you down. Do you think I would be left alone with Men?  [Exeunt omnes praeter Free. & Bell. Bell. 
So you have very industriously ruined yourself with the old Gentleman. But let us be gone before her Ladyship returns.  Free. 
Yes, he will avoid me as carefully as we would an old cast Mistress.  Bell. 
But where is the necessity of persuading him you have no Estate?  Free. 
That Aemilia may be the more convinced it is so.  Bell. 
Would you have her Love a Man because he is poor?  Free. 
No, but I would not have her for bear it for that Reason.  Bell. 
He will make use of all his Power to oppose you.  Free. 
The better still; I shall make the stronger trial of her Love.  
When Love's sincere, no Enterprise is hard;  
And Wealth and Titles than bear no Regard.  [Exeunt.  

ACT IV. Scene St. Stephen's-Green.  Trickwell and Timothy Meet. Trick. 
SUre I should know that Face. My old Acquaintance Timothy in Being!  Tim. 
What, my dear Rakehell alive still!  Trick. 
Nor Time nor thy Disguise can hide thee from me.  Tim. 
I think indeed it is five years since we have seen each other; but what Disguife prithee?  Trick. 
Why that bloated Belly, and those bladder Cheeks, that Crimson Hue, and those huge Pillars which support thee. Thou were't as Wan and Thin when last I saw thee, as if you were just escaped from the Galleys.  Tim. 
Ease and Plenty have made this Alteration, Eating well, and Lying soft. Thank my Stars, I thrive very well in this Coutry.  Trick. 
Then I suppose you Despise it.  Tim. 
That's but an odd Reason.  Trick. 
A very common one, for I have observed that none Despise Ireland so much as those who thrive best in it. And none are so severe in their Reflections upon it, as those who owe their Birth and Fortune to it; I have known many of 'em, when they come first to London, think there is no way so ready to purchase the Title of a Wit, as to Ridicule their own Country.  
But tell me, hast thou thrust thyself into any Business? Hast thou got any Employment?  Tim. 
Yes, a very pleasant one, I am in keeping.  Trick. 
In keeping!  Tim. 
Ay, I am kept.  Trick. 
Kept!  Tim. 
Kept! ay kept; so I say, don't you hear.  Trick. 
But not understand. Kept! for what in the name of Venus? to roll on some Body's Bowling Green?  Tim. 
Well, Sir, you may be as merry as you please with my Shape, but I have other secret Charms, Sir, I have. For know that I have been in keeping these three years, and by a fine Lady; A Witty Lady.  Trick. 
And a Rich one?  Tim. 
Not altogether so Rich, as when I knew her first, but she has somewhat left still.  Trick. 
Then I suppose as her Fortune declines, so does your Passion. And so you are now about quitting her.  Tim. 
But like a Man of Honour, not till I have first provided for her; I am about Marrying her to a considerable Man.  Trick. 
O Rare Tim! now her Name?  Tim. 
I know thou art a Trusty Dog, or I had not told you so much; but in a little time you shall know all. And now pray give me an account of your Affairs, for I think you seem to be much in the same Circumstances as formerly.  Trick. 
I do but seem to be so. You must know I'm Married.  Tim. 
See the difference of our Cases, how I thrive upon one, more than you on the other. But pray let me know farther.  Trick. 
You remember about five years ago, I waited on Colonel Worthy; I attended him to Flanders, where he was killed, but before he died, for some secret services, he gave me all his clothes and Linen and Fifty Guineas.  Tim. 
Lucky Rogue! sure you fancied yourself a Colonel then?  Trick. 
No, I had the humility to dispense with the Title of Captain, which I assumed immediately after my Arrival in London; 'tis true I pretended to an Estate too, and so went a Fortune hunting.  Tim, 
Very prudently done.  Trick. 
In short, I met with a Lady who was on the same scent; and we Believed, Cheated, and Married each other.  Tim. 
The common Fate of Fortune-hunters. But what is become of your Spouse?  Trick. 
I can no more give you a particular account of her, than how I spent my fifty Guineas. She first apprehended the Cheat, and taking the opportunity of my being Drunk one Night, marched off, and I never heard of her since. In a little time after having lost my Wife, pawned my clothes, and spent all my Money; I returned to my old way of Living, and have got into a good Service again.  Tim. 
So 'tis but the Right about as you were.  Trick. 
I wish I could find her out tho, not out of the least Passion for her Person, but for her Fortune, for she has some. Here comes the Gentleman I now serve, an Admirable Man.  Tim. 
I saw him to day. But they say he is poor.  Enter Freelove and Bellmine. Trick. 
You must know that—  Bell. 
Come hither, Good Sir.  Trick. 
we'll talk another time.  Tim. 
Well, well, Adieu. [Exit Timothy.  Bell. 
With your Master's Leave, I have an Affair, which I can only trust a Man of your Diligence and Art with.  Trick. 
Your most humble Servant, Sir, I will discharge it accordingly.  Bell. 
You see that Gentleman that comes this way.  Trick. 
Him with the Two Ladies?  Bell. 
The same. That is Sir Francis Feignyouth; go to him directly, he does not know you, and with all the Cunning you have persuade him there is a Lady desperately in Love with him.  Trick. 
With an old Man, Sir!  Bell. 
Have a little patience. First fire him with a description of her, and when you find him eager; seem to have taken him for me all the while, that will vex him. Then advise him to come disguised, and pass for me, and assure him she shall meet him here this Evening, and let him know he may be very free with her.  Trick. 
It shall be done, Sir.  Bell. 
Well, walk on a little, that you may not be seen talking to us. [Exit Trickwell  Free. 
And so you design he shall meet my Lady Volant in your place. What will be the effect of that?  Bell. 
He will discover that she had an Appointment with me, and if he is not stark mad, it will Convince him what a Creature she is.  Free. 
But is this very Honourable in you to deceive a poor Lady thus?  Bell. 
It would be much less Honourable to suffer him to Marry her; for he will not be persuaded but she is very Rich.  Free. 
He mistakes her for a Woman of Wit too; But I fancy except Virtue, that is the greatest want she has.  Bell. 
She has some Wit when she talks to Inferior People; but when in Conversation with those of Fashion and of Sense, she endeavours to elevate her Thoughts, (as she calls it) and refine her Language, and makes both unintelligible, so is affectedly Ridiculous, To be Witty she spoils her Language, and her Language confounds even what is Wit..  Free. 
'Tis strange he should be blind to so many Faults, but you are in the right to prevent his Ruin, since you hope to Marry his Daughter. Do you start at the Word.  Bell. 
The nearer the Precipice, the more it dazzles my sight and understanding. Why you used to dislike the thing as much as I, till you saw this Aemilia; and remember if e'er I am weary of the Bondage, 'twas by your Example I submitted to it. Tho' I expect to be thought the more prudent Person, who have my fancy for the Lady backed with a good Fortune.  Free. 
You deserved to be ill used for your suspicions; and may be no greater a Gainer than I am; for (as the World goes) whatever Fortune the Lover gains by his Mistress, 'tis ten to one but the Husband will repay with Interest, to get rid of his Wife. I hope we shall succeed, and shall have no reason to Repent. I am impatient to know my Fate; Let us lose no time; your Emissary's Discourse with Sir Francis may give us an Opportunity to speak to the Ladies; I see them coming, let us walk on. [Exeunt.  Enter Sir Francis Feignyouth, Aemilia and Marina, followed by Trickwell. Trick. 
Sir, will you be pleased to favour me with a Minute's Audience?  Sir Fr. 
what's thy Business?  Trick. 
I would wish you were alone, Sir. I have something to deliver to you from a fair Lady.  Sir Fr. 
Em— walk on, I'll overtake you, this is my Lawyer's Servant about an Extraordinary Affair. And what Commands prey has this same fair Lady for me?  Trick. 
Commands! alack, alack, poor Soul she has no Commands, no Sir, her Empire's at an end, and conferred on you. Don Cupid has taken stand on your shoulders, and with all his might has shot her through and through.  Sir Fr. 
Hark ye Friend, if you would have me believe you are in earnest, speak sense, speak sense d'ye see, and done't prate to me of Empires, and Don Cupid's, and Darts, and such stuff, but tell me plainly, and in short, what it is you would be at.  Trick. 
Well then, Sir, since you will have it without any Decoration or Preamble, you shall; and truly Sir, I do not wonder you are impatient to know, that the prettiest Woman, the sweetest Woman, the wittiest Woman, and till she saw you, the modestest Woman even in her heart, should slight all the Men in Town, and fall desperately in Love with you, only upon seeing you.  Sir Fr. 
Do not you banter now my Friend? hah! do not you banter.  Trick. 
To Convince you I do not, Sir, I will tell you where you shall see her, and I will not take one Penny for my pains.  Sir Fr. 
Two of the best Proofs a Man would desire. But to raise my Spirits a little, pray tell me what sort of a Woman is she?  Trick. 
Why Sir, in the first place then, she is of a considerable Family.  Sir Fr. 
Phoo, Pox of her Family.  Trick. 
And of a most accomplished Education—  Sir Fr. 
A Pox of her Education too; that may render all her other Beauties useless.  Trick. 
I mean, Sir, she Sings, Dances, Plays on several Instruments, speaks French, and the like, Sir.  Sir Fr. 
Ay, now thou sayst something. But her Person, let me hear somewhat of that. She is not little?  Trick. 
Of middle Stature.  Sir Fr. 
That's well; I hate a Dwarf and a Maypole. A little Frisking, Jumping, tumbling Ball; and a Long, Thin, Scraggy, ungainly Lath. Her Complexion next.  Trick. 
Like her Stature, between Extremes; Neither White nor Brown; Sanguine, but no fixed Red, except upon her Lips, a faint Blush seems always rising in her Face, but clearest on her Cheeks.  Sir Fr. 
Admirable, admirable! not Lean you say.  Trick. 
No Grape that's kindly Ripe, can be  
So Round, so Plump, so Soft as she.  
You know the Song.  Sir Fr. 
I am all on Fire. Deiicate Creature! I have done with my Lady Volant, that's certain. I do not want Money, why then should I be a Slave for it? Now her Eyes, her Eyes, if they prove right!  Trick. 
Of a sprightly Blue.  Sir Fr. 
That's not so well. I could wish 'em Languishing, and of a Glossy Black.  Trick. 
See them, see them, Sir, and dislike 'em if you can. But her Temper is so Gentle, so Meek—  Sir Fr. 
Oh I abhor a Termagant; I hate a Mistress that a Man must go to Cuffs with. I would have her just such a Woman as you Describe her, Soft, and Compliant; only her Eyes, I could wish her Eyes were Black.  Trick. 
ne'er mind the Colour, Sir, 'tis not the Colour makes the Eye beautiful, 'tis the shape of it, the Lustre.  Sir Fr. 
Well, well, go on with her Description.  Trick. 
Her Teeth are small, even, white and clean; smooth, and look as if just polished.  Sir Fr. 
If she answers this Description, I will make thy Fortune, thou hast made me already fancy myself Happy, I am in Raptures. But go on, go on, be never silent in her praise. I am sorry her Eyes a'ned. Black tho'.  Trick. 
'Twere endless, to recount all her Perfections; but to conclude, Sir, to prove how large a share she has of Wit and Judgement, this delicate Creature, with thousand other Charms, all in their Bloom, offers her Heart to you.  Sir Fr. 
Patience, Patience! I am Five and twenty again, Eighteen, and shall I have the riffling of all these Charms sayst thou?  Trick. 
For my part, I believe she will deny you nothing No one that Loves so much can. In sleep she dreams of you, and all her waking hours are spent in sighs and wishes for her admired Charming Bellmine.  Sir Fr. 
The Devil! for whom?  Trick. 
For her dear Lovely Bellmine.  Sir Fr. 
For the Devil.  Trick. 
What mean you, Sir?  Sir Fr. 
For Bellmine! ah Plague is all this meant to him!  Trick. 
Meant to him! why are not you Mr. Bellmine? did she not point you to me this very day as you walked here with three or four more?  Sir Fr. 
No Sir, I am not Mr. Bellmine, nor have I been like him these Twenty years. A Curse on your mistake! that has kindled all this Fuel within me for nothing. I am struck cold already. I fancy myself Fourscore. But Sirrah, I'll be revenged on you for giving me these hopes to no purpose. I would not have been balked thus for a Thousand Pound.  Trick. 
I am sure Sir, if it be not you, that she Loves, I could wish it were you. I have a greater Inclination for your Service than for his.  Sir Fr. 
What good, will your Inclinations or Wishes do me?  Trick. 
Why, a great deal Sir; since I have committed this mistake, I will persevere in it.  Sir Fr. 
How, how!  Trick. 
I have already betrayed the poor Lady's Secrets, and to make you amends for this Disturbance, I will order matters so, that you shall be the happy Man.  Sir Fr. 
I burn again. Let me Embrace thee. But the Way, the Way, the Method, my dear Rogue!  Trick. 
You shall meet her, and act like him.  Sir Fr. 
That will be somewhat difficult, I fear me, for an old Man.  Trick. 
For once, Sir, you may do well enough. I will persuade her to meet you here this Evening as soon as it is growing dark; she shall come in a Mask, and do you come muffled in a Cloak; she is so excessively Fond of Mr. Bellmine, that I am sure, she will comply with my Proposal, and with his Desires; therefore you may be very Free with her, hurry her immediately into a Coach; and Fear will make her yield to you, as Love would to him.  Sir Fr. 
Excellent, Excellent! I shall not contain myself till the happy hour. But will not you play the Rogue, and deceive me?  Trick. 
Upon my Honour, Sir, it shall be as I say.  Sir Fr. 
Enough. The Honour of a Pimp is sacred. The next thing dear to him is Gold; here are five Guineas for you before hand, that thy Honour may be more sacred; (and pray consider how Guineas are raised) and if I find every thing answerable to what you have said, I will Love her, and Reward thee immoderately. I will go and prepare myself, and be sure you be punctual. [Exit.  Trick. 
How sweet the Profit, how deserved the Gain,  
Which we as a Reward t'our Wit obtain.  
Now to give an account of my Negotiation.  Enter Free. and Aemilia; Bellm. and Marina. Bell. 
At least Madam, you must acknowledge I am industrious for the good of your Family.  Mar. 
And I suppose, I must be Claimed as a Reward for your good Service to my Father.  Aem. 
For my part, I doubt the success of your Design; for I have so good an Opinion of my Uncle, that I do not think he will be persuaded to meet a Mask. I am sure he rails against such People more than any Man.  Free. 
Railing is no more a sign of Virtue, than of Wit. In this age People are seldom what they seem; there are some go to Church without Devotion. We have Critics without Wit or Judgement; and some Fight without Courage; and there are Women very precise without Virtue. And I equally suspect the Woman who Boasts her Virtue, and the Man who Boasts his Valour; and it generally has the same effect, we are picked at it, and provoked to destroy their Reputation.  Bell. 
To Convince you, Madam, we make a right Judgement of Sir Francis; Come hither Trickwell, and give an Account how you have succeeded.  Trick. 
I have succeeded as much to your Desires, Sir, as for my own Profit. Witness this Gold, Sir. Thus has he Rewarded me for Obeying you.  Bell. 
What do you think now, Madam? You behaved yourself very Cunningly to get Money from him. Yet I have often known Men Starve their Family, and Feast their Mistress.  Trick. 
I remember, Sir, I heard you give a Description of one of your Mistresses, and I entertained him with that, which agreed almost perfectly with what he Admires. He is gone in Raptures, to prepare himself for the wished for hour.  Mar. 
And you depend on my Lady Volant's coming.  Bell. 
I have Enticed her by the hopes both of Love and Profit; which will make her as punctual to me, as a Sharper would be to a young Rich Cully he had Set. She will no more fail meeting me, than Mrs. Flippant, with her new Equipage, would miss the Strand on a Sunday.  Aem. 
If she be such a Woman, 'twill be Charity to prevent the Match. But I fancy, Mr. Bellmine, you have some self Interest in this Matter: You expect my Cousin's Fortune should be increased by this, to make you digest Matrimony the better, for I hear you have dreadful apprehensions of it, and are resolved to have a great Fortune.  Bell. 
Both Reports of me have been truth, I must confess, Madam; but the more I see this Lady, the more my Aversion for the one, and my Regard for the other, are lessened.  Aem. 
If you Marry for Money, you must expect to be severely Censured by one who has none.  Free. 
But Madam, you will not have favourable Thoughts for one who knows that, and yet dies for you. Who would sacrifice his Life to be in that state which he there dreads.  Aem. 
But have you Considered all the Inconveniencies of Marrying a Woman without a Fortune?  Free. 
All, all Madam; and would undergo a thousand more for you.  Aem. 
And how you will be laughed at by the World.  Free. 
I'll pity their Ignorance. I have Considered all Madam, all the Hazards, all the Inconveniencies; how difficult to have a Man's Behaviour approved by all, that it is impossible to be thought a Kind Husband by the Women, and a prudent one by the Men. But you shall ever Rule your Conduct and my Heart. I give my Heart without Reserve, had I the World, I would bestow it so. I will be still your Slave, still gaze upon those Eyes, and every look shall make me more your Slave. Oh I want words to tell how truly I adore you! or had I words that were Expressive, my Passion is too fierce to utter them.  Aem. 
If you declare your real Thoughts, your Passion cannot be greater than your Generosity; and may be easier Feigned. You see I listen to your Love, because I believe it disinterested; if I thought it were not, not all your Art should gain a Moment's Audience. I hear you talk of Love, tho' I were silent, to hear, giveth hopes.  Free. 
Let me for ever talk, and only talk of Love. To Love be all the Business of my Life; it were abuse of Life to Live to any other End, be every Moment so employed; I talk, but it is Faint and Mean; my Heart now swells, and seems to heave and rage, that I no better can describe its Passion. It bids me say, amongst a thousand things that crowd upon my Tongue, I cannot Love you more, I ne'er will Love you less.  Bell. 
It would be a damned unconscionable thing now in her, to remember all this after Marriage; for 'tis as unreasonable for Women to expect Love after enjoyment, as for a Man who had spent his Fortune, to expect as much Credit as when he had it in possession. (Aside.)  Mar. 
What is that you mutter of unconscionable?  Bell. 
Why, I say it is an unconscionable thing of you both, to keep us in pain thus, when you may so easily remove it. And to seem to doubt our Passion, when we offer so fair to prove it.  Mar. 
And what is that, Good Sir?  Bell. 
What I could never bear the sound of, till those bewitching Eyes of yours sweetened it; Marriage.  Mar. 
Why do you expect that I should disobey my Father?  Bell. 
Why do you suppose that I expect you will be obedient to him?  Aem. 
Nay Cousin, you need not fear he will oppose you; but I owe some Obedience to an Uncle too, and I am very sure, I never shall have his Consent. But we'll talk no farther of this Matter, till we see what becomes of his Intrigue.  Mar. 
I think the Hour of the Lovers Meeting is almost come. I suppose you will hover hereabout, to see what will be the Issue of it.  Bell. 
It may be some diversion to you Ladies to be Witness to it.  Aem. 
No, that will not be so proper; we shall be satisfied to receive an account of it from you. Till when your Servant.  Free. 
Tho' grieved to part, I ought not to Complain, since you have bid me hope. [Exeunt Free. and Bell.  Mar. 
Prithee Aemilia, why would you put this Constraint upon your Inclinations? I am sure you had rather he had stayed, I read it in your looks; I found your Eyes had almost betrayed your Heart.  Aem. 
I found so too. That made me more desirous he should be gone. I have Confessed enough for this time.  Mar. 
Yes truly, so you have, since you design to Marry him. For mens' Importunity and our Shyness have the same end.  
Their subtle Sex is violent to Gain,  
And we Deny, more surely to Obtain.  [Exeunt.  

ACT V. Scene Continues.  Enter Sir Francis Feignyouth in a Cloak. Sir Fr. 
YOnder she comes; now if I can Disguise myself till I get her to a Coach, she's my own. Would it were a little darker however.  Enter Lady Volant Masked. Lady Vol. 
Who is there? Mr. Bellmine.  Sir Fr. 
The same.  Lady Vol. 
You see, Dear Sir, what an excessive Sovereignty you have over me, to compel me to meet you. But you have an irresistible way with you; and all the World extols you for a Man of Honour, and I hope you will behave yourself like one to me.  Sir Fr. 
Methinks I should know that Voice. (Apart.)  
ay, I, my Dear, I will; I'll make your Fortune.  Lady Vol. 
Your obedient Servant, Dear Sir; indeed it is as uncommon to meet with a Generous Lover in this profligate Age, as with a Secret or a Constant one. But I Conjecture you to have all these Virtues, or I had not consented to meet you at first Request.  Sir Fr. 
First Request! What a Pox does she mean? I'm certain I know her voice. (Apart.)  Lady Vol. 
Pray Heaven, I be not mistaken in my Man. (Aside) But now I have met you, sure you can desire no more.  Sir Fr. 
By all that's Virtuous, my Lady Volant! Is she the amorous Lady! This was a lucky Discovery; I'll try her farther. (Aside.)  
Come my dear, I am impatient till we are more private, I have a Coach waiting at the end of the Green.  Lady Vol. 
I'll wait on you immediately. Oh Heavens! how near was I to be ruined! This is Sir Francis! what can this mean? ha! I have it now. A Trick of that Villain Bellmine's to prevent our Marriage; but I'll be even with him. (Aside.)  Sir Fr. 
Come, are you ready?  Lady Vol. 
Ungrateful Worthless Fellow! (Unmasking)  
Not only base thyself, but would have me too, share thy Guilt: how canst thou be that Mercenary Wretch, to Abuse thy Noble Friend Sir Francis Feignyouth, to deceive his Virtuous Beautiful Daughter, forsake and leave her when the Match is concluded on, and Marry me, because I am Wealthier? But tho' thou wouldst be so Base, think you I am so? Do you imagine I would be unjust to him, a Man of that Worth, that Honour, so fine a Gentleman, because you proffered me a larger Settlement? No, couldst thou give me this Island, I would refuse it, and rather starve with him.  Sir Fr. 
Now, let me never drink Claret more, if I can tell what it is you mean by all this.  Lady Vol. 
Who do I see? Sir Francis! It seems than you came with a Design to meet some Lewd Woman; oh me unfortunate! is there nothing but Treachery and Inconstancy in the Sex? Have I refused so many great Matches, and at last Consented to be yours, and is this my Reward?  Sir Fr. 
Why, as I take it, my Good Lady, you came with a Design to meet some Body too.  Lady Vol. 
If my Trouble would give me leave to speak! That Traitor Bellmine, whom you entrusted to plead for you, offered to forsake your Daughter, and Marry me himself—  Sir Fr. 
And so you met him to that purpose.  Lady Vol. 
Han't I already told you how I resented his Baseness, when I thought you were he. 'Tis true I consented to meet him, in hopes to persuade him to a more Virtuous and Just Proceeding. I would have concealed his Crime from you, being always inclined to do Good!  Sir Fr. 
Oh the damned young Rogue, I'll be so Revenged on him—  Lady Vol. 
And thus while I endeavoured to do your Family Service, even at the hazard of my Reputation; you suspect me. This is a plain Conspiracy between you both to ruin me; is this like a Man of Honour? this the Behaviour I hoped for from the worthy Sir Francis! I am ruined, undone, betrayed; what will become of me?  Sir Fr. 
Nay hear me, Good Lady, do but hear me.  Lady Vol. 
No, I will never harken to Man more. I will retire from the World, and leave my Wealth to erect Hospitals to maintain Mad men and Fools; rather than enrich the injust  Sir Fr. 
Hear me but speak.  Lady Vol. 
That Sir Francis Feignyouth should suspect me! the only Person in the World I ever gave the least Encouragement to; I easily could revenge myself, by marrying Bellmine, and deprive you both of my Fortune, and of your Son-in-Law; had I not still a zeal for your interests, and an Abhorrence for his Treachery.  Sir Fr. 
Come, I'll tell you how we shall be both revenged on this Insinuating, Wheedling, Deceitful young Dog. I'll Marry you instantly, and will not give him the value of a Rapparce Farthing with my Daughter.  Lady Vol. 
Why verily Sir Francis, you speak like a Man of Honour; indeed to Marry an injured Woman, is the only way to do her Right. But I can hardly Reinstate you in my good Opinion, sufficiently to Consent to that yet.  Sir Fr. 
Nay, I will not delay it a moment; I have a Chaplain ready at my House, and we will spend the Night in Embraces, and Laughing at this Impudent Cozening Knave.— See where he comes, if I were not about taking a surer and sweeter Revenge, I would cut his Throat directly.  Lady Vol. 
For Virtue's sake, let us be gone, I have that Detestation for a Cheat, that I cannot brook his appearance.  Enter Bellmine and Freelove. Bell. 
We may venture to approach them now; we shall confound her more, tho' I suppose he is already sufficiently convinced what a Virtuous Lady she is. (To Freevill Entering.)  Sir Fr. 
Your Servant, your Servant, Sir, my Honest, Faithful, Plotting, Undermining, Dear, Half witted Rival and Son-in-Law! This was a rare Design of yours, an admirable Design.  Bell. 
Sir!  Sir Fr. 
A curious Design, a deep Design! Oh these young Fellows are subtle Dogs at a Plot!  Bell. 
What would you be at, Sir?  Sir Fr. 
What would you be at, Sir, this Lady, Sir. But I shall prevent you, Sir, for I am going to be Married to her instantly, Sir.  Bell. 
You are not serious sure? why Sir, I'll convince you that—  Lady Vol. 
Oh I cannot bear that Traitor's sight, let us be gone, I shall faint, if I stay a moment longer. He will have the impudence to deny he made Love to me, and desired a Meeting.  Bell. 
I own I did, Sir, but—  Sir Fr. 
Oh! Did you so? truth will out.  Bell. 
And I designed—  Sir Fr. 
To Marry her yourself— Not a word more, Sir, nor a step farther— In half an hours time, I'll admit you to wish me Joy. And so your Servant.  Lady Vol. 
Your Servant Good Mr. Littleplot. Ha, ha.  [Exeunt Sir Fra. and Lady Vol. Bell. 
What is the meaning of all this? I cannot understand it.  Free. 
To me the matter is very plain. She has outwitted you; and made him believe you would have Married her; this you see has enraged him against you; and being Mad enough to think her Rich, and to be Revenged on you, he is gone to Marry her.  Bell. 
He will be Ruined, Undone, Beggared.  Free. 
And Marina the less Fortune. That Consideration is of no small moment to you.  Bell. 
Your Example is of so much greater weight with me, that it has not only reconciled me to Marriage, but I think in my Conscience, I could Marry Marina without a Fortune. But it mads me that she should have such a Mother in Law.  Free. 
She will not be much improved by her Example.  Bell. 
As much as a Man may improve himself in Conversation, by Drinking with the silent Club here.  Free. 
'Tis such an improvement as Expert Musicians receive by hearing Bunglers, she may learn what to avoid.  Bell. 
But is there no way to prevent it.  Free. 
None, that I know of, unless you had some fresh Matter to urge against her. And here comes the likeliest Man to assist you, to furnish you with Scandal.  Bell. 
This will be Joyful News to him. Oh he is so facetious when any one has been Guilty of an indiscretion, and has so many smart Jokes upon the Unfortunate?  Enter Wormwood. Worm. 
Your Servant Gentlemen. My Spleen has been so tickled just now, at the most diverting sight. Ha, ha.  Bell. 
What, has any one broke his Neck? or has some young Lady run away with her Brother's Footman? or is the hopeful Son expelled the College? or has there been a Fire lately in Town? or any Merchants broke?  Worm. 
Almost as Comical as any of these. I just now met Sir Francis Feignyouth handing my Lady Volant into his House, he told me he was that Moment going to be Married, and bid me come to you to be Confirmed of the Truth. Ha, ha.  Bell. 
And is this so great a Jest?  Worm. 
Ay, is it not? to have an old Fellow, who is so fond of Whoring and Freedom and Money, make himself a Slave to Marry a Beggar; that she is one I am now convinced Come, will you along with me, I have a Cordial for him that will spoil the effects of Sack-Posset. I suppose the Business is finished by this time, he shall not know it before. 'Tis such a Jest!  Bell. 
No, no, I am Melancholy enough already, and thy Jests always give me the Spleen.  Worm. 
Well, I'll go alone then, for I long to plague him.  [Exit Wormwood. Free. 
That a Fellows whole Delight should be the Torment of others. Enter Trickwell.  Trick. 
Sir, Sir, I have rare News for you. I have found out that will break off Sir Francis's Match.  Bell. 
Be quick in telling it.  Trick. 
Hearing you in great concern to day for his Design to Marry my Lady Volant, I went immediately to her pretended Steward, who you must know, Sir, is my old Acquaintance.  Bell. 
The properest Person to detect her.  Trick. 
And wheedled him into a Confession that she has kept him two or three years.  Bell. 
Kept him! To what End?  Trick. 
Why, faith Sir, I believe to much the same End, that you kept the Fine Lady that Lodged in Convent-Garden.  Bell. 
This indeed may do, if the Intelligence comes not too late; but can you produce him that we may Confront her with him.  Trick. 
He is waiting for me at the end of the Walk.  Bell. 
Hast to him then, and pretend his Lady wants him; send him to us at Sir Francis Feignyouths, and wait you below till I call.  Trick. 
It shall be done, Sir.  Bell. 
Excellent Fellow! For thy Reward, if thy hopeful Spouse be in this Country, I'll find her out for you; But away. [Exit Trickwell.  
Come Freelove, you will go with me, you may have an opportunity to see your Aemilia.  Free. 
That Consideration will carry me any where.  [Exit Free. and Bell. 

The Scene Changes to Sir Francis Feignyouth's House.  Enter Sir Francis Feignyouth and Lady Volant. Sir Fr. 
COme, Lady, now you are mine in spite of all my Rivals. I'll have them all to Supper, to Triumph over them. We will have nothing but Revelling, Feasting and Kissing, for our first Month at least. But we'll go to Bed soon, because the Drums and Trumpets will Disturb us early.  Lady Vol. 
You will find some Duns in the Morning will disturb your Rest much more than they. (Aside.)  Sir Fr. 
What says Your Ladyship?  Lady Vol. 
Only contemplating on my Good Fortune.  Sir Fr. 
I'll give you no leisure to contemplate; you shall be busied with Action. I have sent to invite my Rivals from Bellmine down to Vainly; I'd not give a Farthing for a Jewel I must always keep locked up in my Cabinet. I Love to publish my Happiness. But where are these Girls run?— This Marriage has set them a Madding now to be at it too— Here Niece, Daughter, where are you?  Enter Aemilia and Marina. 
I am sorry, Niece, your Admirer has no Estate, that you might not lie alone to Night.  Aem. 
If I like his other Qualifications well enough to Marry him, that shall be no Objection.  Sir Fr. 
She is stark Mad; I must Marry my Daughter as soon as I can, or she may Debauch her to the same Design. (Aside)  
But I am resolved nothing shall Discompose me to Night. I have sent for some Music to Entertain you; Desire them to walk in, and show their Art.  

A Dialogue.  Set by Mr. LEVERIDGE. He, 
YOU Bellamira we Admire,  
Which pleases you, tho' ill you use us;  
You would taste Joys, which we desire,  
And Punish both, when you refuse us.  She, 
Those Joys I'd keep as well as taste,  
But both by yielding are destroyed;  
For Men are ever in such haste,  
ere we have tasted, they are cloyed.  He, 
All Humane Things their Crisis have,  
To which arrived, they fade away;  
So long for Love you make us crave,  
ere you Consent, our flames decay.  She, 
On what strange Diet Lovers Live;  
On hopes the Fair may be enjoyed;  
Love even can Despair survive,  
But is by nourishment destroyed.  He, 
Insatiate! I'd my Love repeat,  
Only to breathing time agree;  
Because I cannot always Eat,  
Will you both Starve yourself and me.  She, 
I grieve Philander to deny,  
And yet I lose you if I grant;  
Not I alone can Satisfy,  
Without Variety you want.  He, 
Each Part Variety affords,  
Your Hand, your Eyes, your Lips, your Breast;  
Believe this Kiss, if not my Words,  
For Love by Action's best expressed.  Chorus. He, 
Believe this Kiss, if not my Words,  
For Love by Action's best expressed.  She, 
That I'll believe, tho' not your Words,  
For Love by Action's best expressed.   Enter Vainly and Wormwood. Vain. 
Why, it is impossible, Mr. Wormwood, that she could be false to me; I will not believe she is Married.  Worm. 
No, if thou wert Married to her, you would not believe yourself a Cuckold, tho' you saw her a Bed with another Man.  Sir Fr. 
You are welcome, Gentlemen. Mr. Vainly, our Quarrels are at an end now.  Worm. 
Then you are Married. Ha, ha, ha—  Sir Fr. 
Why, that is kind to rejoice at your Friends good Fortune.  Vain. 
But, Madam, is it your way to receive Presents from one Man, and Marry another?  Sir Fr. 
How Presents!  La. Vol. 
If one should give attention to what every Fop says—  Worm. 
Nay, Sir Francis, be not angry at that. 'Twere happy for you, if she had received Presents enough to pay her Debts.  Sir Fr. 
Oh are you there! That's well. Hark ye Slave have you not often swore to me, that my Lady Volant here was worth—  Tim. 
Not one shilling, Sir, that I know of.  Sir Fr. 
Andam I Cheated, Choosed, Fooled, Abused, Ruined, Confounded, hah?  Tim. 
Somewhat like it, truly Sir.  Sir Fr. 
I'll have her burnt for a Witch, and I'll have you flayed you Dog. I'll do't myself.  Vain. 
Ay, 'tis plain her tenderness of me, would not let her Ruin me.  Bell. 
Hold, hold Sir, you have not yet heard the worst.  Sir Fr. 
Can any thing be worse? what! Can any thing be worse than Poverty?  Bell. 
You shall hear. Come Sirrah, make me a full Confession of all the Familiarities that have passed between you two.  Tim. 
Alas Sir, would you have me so ungenerous to Betray a Lady's Secrets?  Worm. 
Why this is Admirable, this is better sport than I expected.  Bell. 
No delay, or I'll saw you Windpipe this moment; Be quick, and let me not waste Breath on thee.  Sir Fr. 
And before mine is gone.  Tim. 
Why then, Sir, if I must tell— But really 'tis not like a Man of Honour in Me.  Lady Vol. 
'Tis no matter, Timothy; your Confession comes too late now to save him: 'Twill signify no more than a Pardon after Execution. The more he knows the more he will give to be freed from me, and then I'll leave this hideous Country for ever. (Aside.)  Bell. 
What, are you already Married? Have you made such haste to be undone.  Sir Fr. 
Ay, ay, the Knot is tied; But come, go on, go on with your Confession.  Tim. 
Then Sir, since I may speak, I have for about these three years lived with my Honoured Lady there, as her Steward in Public, and as her Husband in Private.  Sir Fr. 
Oh I faint! I die, I die! I'm a dead Man, I'm stone dead! (Sit down.)  Tim. 
I think I had best sneak off before he comes to himself, lest I should be made to verify the Proverb, Confess and be Hanged. [Exit.  Mar. 
Good Sir, be pacified.  Sir Fr. 
Be pacified! Be damned; I'm in a fairer way for that. But I'll do one Meritorious Act first, I'll pluck her Heart out— Let me at her.  Lady Vol. 
At your Peril touch me; here are Witnesses enough, should you offer me any Violence.  Vain. 
Yes, yes Madam, I am bound in Conscience to be a Witness for you, because you Loved me too well to Marry me.  Worm. 
Fear him not, Madam; we will stand by you: Faith I Love thee better than ever, for the mischief thou hast done.  Sir Fr. 
Dost thou so, Tormentor? I'll have you two swinged before I die, that you may be Laughed at too. Here, where are my Servants?  Worm. 
Come Vainly, we'll spare him the Trouble; let us to the Coffeehouse, I burst till I publish this.  Vain. 
Ay, pray let us go. Give ye Joy, Sir, Give ye Joy.  [Exeunt Vain. and Worm. Sir Fr. 
What had I to do with a Wife, what had I to do with a Wife! Had I not Ease enough, had I not Freedom enough, had I not Wealth enough! I had every thing but Wit enough.— Oh! I am a Jest to the World, a Scandal to my Name, a Curse to my Family, and a Hell to myself.  Bell. 
You afflict yourself too much.  Sir Fr. 
Impossible! Had she Virtue, that were some atonement for her Poverty. Or had she been a Miss to some Favourite, and begged an Estate of Forfeited Lands, that had been some Comfort. But to be a Strumpet, and a poor Strumpet!—  Bell. 
'Tis but giving her separate Maintenance at worst.  Sir Fr. 
No, no, I am resolved on it, I'll separate myself from the World. I am just going, just expiring, Mr. Bellmine, I am wondrous faint on the sudden; all in a cold sweat. But before I die, let me dispose of my Family; here Mr. Bellmine, take my Daughter, and all I have; you deserve it for the Good you designed me. But be sure to Plague that Viper with Law, before she gets any thing.  Lady Vol. 
I despise your Malice, I'll have a share of your Fortune spite of you all.  Bell. 
I hope, Madam, you will not oppose Sir Francis's. Design to make me the happiest of Men.  Mar. 
Since my Father has disposed of me, I own it is according to my Inclinations.  Enter Trickwell hastily to Bellmine. Trick. 
Sir, Sir, have you no more to do with Timothy, I saw him steal away.  Bell. 
Nothing more. He has Confessed all he told you concerning that Lady.  Trick. 
Ha! What do I see?  La Vol. 
Trickwell there! Oh I am lost for ever. (seems to faint)  Sir Fr. 
A Judgement, a Judgement from Heaven! she dies and I live. (Starting up.)  Trick. 
Let her alone, I'll bring her to herself again.  Sir Fr. 
What, are you another of her Lovers?  Trick. 
No, no, Sir, I am none of her Lovers, for I am her Husband.  
Omnes, How her Husband!  Lady Vol. 
Unlucky Wretch! What Devil sent thee here to my Undoing.  Sir Fr. 
I think thou wert the Spark that bantered me this Evening so smartly. But no more fooling; I am in no Jesting humour.  Trick. 
Really Sir, I am so well acquainted with her Ladyship, that it is an Honour I should not assume to myself, if it were not Truth.  Lady Vol. 
Fool, Thoughtless Sot! It were for thy Interest, as well as mine, to conceal this now; till I had got a Sum of Money to quit him. For know prating Brute, I have just Married him.  Trick. 
Oh. wonderful!  Sir Fr. 
Oh wonderful Deliverance! Oh Blessing unthought of▪ I find my strength return; I shall live for ever. I am light as Air. I am in as much danger now of running Mad for Joy, as before for Grief. But take her to thee, go take her, and much good may she do ye.  Trick. 
Oh by no means Ssr, after you is good manners, Sir, she is at your Service with all my heart and soul. Indeed Sir, she is.  Lady Vol. 
Be dumb for ever. Or talk his equal now, thou canst do me no farther Mischief, nor can I longer bear thy sight. Farewell, and may each of you find his Wife, what you have taken such pains to prove me. [Exit.  Trick. 
Truly, I needed not have taken such pains to have known Timothy's secrets.  Free. 
We need not wonder at her Rage. But Trickwell, is this the very Lady you Married in London for a Fortune.  Trick. 
The very Numerical she, Sir; only she has changed her Name.  Sir Fr. 
Thou hast made such a happy Change in my Fortune, that I will make thine; I will reward thee most profusely for this.  Free. 
Shall I be the only Man, who shall complain of Fortune. (To Aemilia.)  
Shall Love so pure as mine meet no Reward?  Aem. 
Disinterested, Faithful Love, deserves a higher Reward than I can give.  Free. 
You are Reward above Man's Merit. Heaven can give no greater upon Earth.  Aem. 
And will you Marry a Woman that has nothing.  Free. 
Do not torture me with such Questions. I would, I would, 'tis all I ask of Heaven.  Aem. 
Remember I have told you all the Inconveniencies.  Free) 
None, none, there can be none. 'Twere Luxury to starve with you. Pleasure and Freedom in a Goal.  Aem. 
Then take this earnest of a Heart, (Giving her Hand) as full of Generosity, as full of Love as yours.  Free. 
You give me endless, endless Joys.  Sir Fr. 
How, how, Niece, will you throw yourself away thus? Marry a Man without a Fortune!  Aem. 
Even so, Sir. Nor shall I think myself thrown away on him. Remember how lately you had been almost Ruined by Marrying for one.  Sir Fr. 
Well, do what you please. I shall never be angry again. A pretty Present this, Sir, she has made you. A fine Woman, and to my knowledge Twenty thousand Pounds ready Money.  Free. 
Had you the Indies, I could not Love you more, but this is very surprising.  Aem. 
It was an Uncle's Gift I had in England; and I have industriously thus long concealed it, that I might not be pestered by Forutne-hunters, and might be assured that he who Married me, had no other Motive but Love. And I am happy that he proved so Generous, I Liked so well.  Bell. 
Nay then, Madam, I think I may Discover his secret now. Fate designed you for each other. He too has had the same Design, you are not more alike in Tempers than in Fortune. For I can assure you this Gentleman, who has given himself the Repute of being worth Nothing, has an Estate in England of Three thousand Pounds a Year.  Sir Fr. 
Admirable! Excellent! Nay; I always thought he deserved one. A most complete Gentleman.  Free. 
Let Misers be Enslaved, and Drudge for Gain,  
Their Joys are False, tho' they their Wish Obtain.  
While no base Interest, Generous Souls regard,  
And Love and Peaceful Minds be their Reward.  [Exeunt Omnes. 
FINIS.