PLAIN DEALING: Or, A Dialogue between HUMPHREY and ROGER, About Choosing the Next Parliament.  Humph. 
WEll met, Neighbour Hodge: How dost do? We have strange News, man; Dost hear it? What dost think, but the Parliament's Dissolved again?  Roger. 
Ay! Is it so! By my Brown Cow then, Numps, I think our Statesmen nowadays take Parliaments for Nine-Pins, which they Set up, like the Boys, only to Knock down again for sport.  Humph. 
Hold you there, Neighbour: for whether the Boys learn of our Statesmen, or our Statesmen of the Boys, is too hard a Question for us to Resolve. This I'm sure of, they could never endure the breath of a Parliament, since they discovered the Popish Plot; which makes me think those Statesmen had a finger in't, and are mad to see such a hopeful Project in danger of miscarrying. But prithee tell me, which be these Statesmen? Are they those of the K's Private Council?  Roger. 
No, you Fool; they are called the Private Council, because every thing of moment is kept private from them. You may see by the Proclamation for this Dissolution, that they did not know of it, till it was Resolved. But the Statesmen are called by a Name which I have almost forgot, somewhat like Cupboard-Councilmen, and in truth are a sort of Whisperers, that Advise such things in Private, that they dare not own, and cannot justify with reason, in Public.  Humph. 
But what kind of men are these? For I never saw any of them.  Roger. 
Troth nor I, since they were so; but whilst they were honest Country Lords or Gentlemen, as all Statesmen must be, before they can be made free of that Trade, I have seen some; but they say they alter after, like a Country Gentleman's Daughter, that sets up for a Town-Miss, who presently grows much Finer, much Falser, and less Sound. Yet to know something more of them, I read all the matter of fact that is published, never minding the interpretation they give it, which generally is a cheat, but by their Actions it seems to me that they are a sort of English Frenchmen, and Protestant Papists, for all they Pretend is for the Protestant Religion, and the lessening of France, and all they Do is for the growth of Popery, and the French power.  Humph. 
Oh plague, now I see the reason why they advised the dissolving of this Parliament who resolved to discover their tricks to the whole Nation.  Roger. 
I'd have these Fellows go like the Sergeants men, dressed party-per-pale, the right side after the French Mode, the left after the English; with a Book in their hands, the one leaf of the Mass, the other of the Common-Prayer: and then my Lord Chief Justice should order Catch to hang up the right sides of them, as high as Haman; and let their left sides get down as well as they could, and this is my sentence of an English Monsieur.  Humph. 
Since they preserve the Protestant Religion, by bringing in Popery, maintain our Liberties by making us Slaves; Secure England by Betraying it to France; to be even with them in their own Coin, I would use them as the Spiritual-Courts do those that offend them, deliver them to the Devil for the Salvation of their Souls.  Roger. 
Peace, peace, man, they fear no Devil but an Executioner, nor no day of Judgement but the meeting of a Parliament.  Humph. 
Why there is to be a new Parliament to sit presently at Oxford, but who shall we Choose now Neighbour? You for the City, and I for the Country.  Roger. 
Why, who should we Choose man, but such as have in these last Parliaments, approved themselves to be strongly and heartily against those cursed twins, which our statesmen's Brains are in labour to bring forth, Popery and Arbitrary Power? and those we will Choose whether they themselves will or no; for we choose them more for our own good, then to Compliment them: and since they are not born for themselves but their Country, they must be content to take the necessary trouble; & we must be careful to put them to none that is unnecessary; that is, let us Choose them without the expense of a penny, or the trouble of a Journey, and if they will not then be at the pains and charge of Attending in Parliament, let Topham take them, as they, the Abhorrers and all other Betrayers of our Liberties will justly deserve?  Humph. 
But shall we Choose them before they come to desire it.  Roger, 
Desire it, you Simpleton! Prithee tell me, If a pack of Rogues and Papists had seized on thee, brought thee to the Gallows, tied the Rope, and were just ready to turn thee off the Ladder, and some honest Gentleman coming in sight should fright the Rogues a little off: If thou shouldst then in a Sheepish tone tell those Gentlemen, If they would desire you to slip your neck out of the Noose, and come down you would do it, dost not think they would have reason to Answer, They were for the Liberty of the Subject, and would press nothing of that nature, but leave it to thy own pleasure, either to go along with them, or to stay and let the Rogues make an end of their work when they were gone?  Humph. 
By the Mass Hodge thou sayest well, I have a woundy mind to do as thou sayest▪ but,  Roger. 
But what, Tony? Is this a time to be at Ifs, and Ands, and Butts?  Humph. 
But Mr. H. you know is a pretty civil Gentleman, a fine bred man, ask our Country Ladies else, treats us nobly both at Table and Tavern, has a good estate, and needs no Pension, and may vote on our side, unless now and then he give the Courtiers a vote in a Civil way out of gratitude for the new fashions and good breeding they teach him; or help to save a Statesman's Neck, that hugs him and feasts him all the Parliament time: though he does not know him as soon as 'tis up. And he swears damn him he is as much against Popery as our Bishops themselves, and would have all men hanged that are not as high for increasing the power of the Clergy as Bishop Laud was. Now this Courteous Gentleman has desired me of all Loves to vote for him but this once, and says its unreasonable to make the former Members bear the burden or enjoy the honour of it still, and I vow methinks I can hardly find in my heart to deny him.  Roger. 
Find in your heart! Can you find in your heart to be made worse than a Galley Slave, have Red-Coats come rifle your Pockets, ravish your Daughters, and burn your Houses, & then let the Priests sing your Hides like Bacon in Smithfield, for this you know you must expect if your Members will be either bribed, threatened, or complemented out of their votes: Will his good breeding help you to pay Taxes when they come as thick as in the Pensioners Parliament? Will his meat and drink stick with you as long as Chimney-mony, Excise, and those other fettering Laws that such civil Members have made us? as for his Estate experience shows that well bred-men can spend the greatest Estates, and quickly come to need a Pension; but I say if he vote as a Pensioner, though he be not so great a Knave, yet there's more danger to us from such fools; for these will give us up for fair words, which is a Coin never wanting at Court, but those will sell us as dear as they can, and prolong the time to get the more by it, as we found by the Pensioners Parliament, who whilst they were thinking to make the best of the bargain, God put it in His Majesty's heart to dissolve them, and now we are freemen again, unless such easy believers as you will be so courteous as to enslave us again. For what he swears about Popery, are men's words or actions more to be credited? he he may swear so, and those learned Gentlemen preach so long enough e'er they persuade me that they stickle for a Popish Successor for the preservation of the Protestant Religion, and strive to make the Prerogative arbitrary, for the Liberty of the People; flesh and blood, Neighbor, cannot endure such impudent lying.  Humph. 
Ay but my Landlord would ha' me do't, and he's an honest Gentleman, you know.  Roger. 
I think he is, and I am sorry to see he has more Estate and Privilege to lose, than Wit to know his own Interest. But prithee tell me, if he should invite thee to Dinner, take thee by the hand, and tell thee thou must needs do him one courtesy, that is, Surrender thy Lease gratis to him, which thou paid'st his Father 500l. for, wouldst thou not do it?  Humph. 
No by my Faith would I not.  Roger. 
Why then wilt thou give up thy Liberty, thy Religion, and all the rest of thy Estate to his dispose? Pay him his Rent well, and all Respect imaginable; send him a Present at a good time, if he use to invite thee; lend him thy Teams for his Carriages now and then, or any other common Civility; but in cases of Religion, Life, Liberty and Property, no Compliments. I beseech thee, Numps.  Humph. 
Well but our Parson says I am bound in Conscience to vote for those that are for Absolute Obedience to Prince and Prelate, citys Texts of Scripture for it, says all are Rebbels that do otherwise; and that 'tis a damnable Sin to Vote for these that were against persecuting Dissenters, or that enquired into the Grievances of the Bishop's Courts. And what canst thou say to that, Hodge?  Roger. 
Faith I shall say of him as I did even now of his Superiors, I shall trust my own Senses more than what they all say: Believe him in the Pulpit, when he preaches of Faith and a good Life, join with him in the Public Prayers, pay him his Tithes, and receive the Sacrament of him like a good Christian; But when they undertake the Politics, either in the Pulpit or out of it, to persuade me to part with my Birthright, 'cause 'tis profound Obedience; and to submit to Popery, because 'tis the Providence of God; and to suffer the Cheats and Oppressions of the Bishop's Courts, because they have God's Authority; I cannot much blame them, for all men are apt to follow their own Interest; and this is theirs: But I must desire to be excused, for as good Reasons as they press me to it: For if Arbitrary Power will Raise the Clergy, by consequence it will Depress the Laity; If Popery will add to their Benefices Absolution-Money, Indulgence-Money, Purgatory-Money, and a hundred other Perquisites, besides all the Abbey-Lands, and take nothing from them but their Wives; I am sure it must take just so much from our Pockets, and add so much more of their kind Blessings upon our Wives: And if our Spiritual Courts must be more burdensome, they may very well supply the place of a Purgatory, and torment us sufficiciently without it. I do not speak this to reflect on our Clergy, which I think as good as any other, but to show they are not so proper Judges in these Cases: If the Law were to be Regulated, would you refer it to Lawyers in general? If the Physicians Fees, would you consult the College? If the Oppressions of the Spiritual Court, would you trust the Civilians? And for the same reason, will you rely on these men as to Arbitrary Power, who have neither Dignity nor Bishopric, but from the Court? Or as to the danger of a a new Religion, by which they are to have twice as much Power and Wealth as before? And to do them right, whilst the Pope gave the Preferments they were generally for the Liberty of the People, and keeping the Prerogative in its due Limits; but all's now in the Crown, the Reason is altered, and their Practice with it.  Humph. 
I vow, Hodge, I ne'er understood till now why they Talked so Much against Popery, and Acted so Little, why they hate Fanaticism, that would lessen their Power, more than Popery, that would enlarge it; and why they weaken Protestantism, not only by Disallowing the Foreign Churches, but by Disowning the major part of those at Home, all that do not, like Fools, espouse the Power of the Clergy more than the Articles of their Creed. But what shall we do with those Old Members that voted as the Statesmen would have them?  Roger. 
Turn them off, and get others in their Places that we know to be of good Principles for the Freedom of an Englishman; but do not believe too easily: Remember one bad Choice may enslave you for ever▪ and one bad Vote turn the Scales, when the question is, Whether we shall be Freemen or Bondmen. But talk no more of it, all hands to work, and about your business, your All is at stake; inform those you find ignorant how their case stands; and I hope we may have as good a Parliament as the last, and then the Statesmen will despair of playing any more tricks, and we and our Children may be happy.  Humph. 
Well I vow thou speakest so much reason, I'll do as thou bid'st me, and about it presently. Farewell.   

LONDON, Printed for Francis Smith at the Elephant and Castle near the Royal Exchange in Cornhill. 1681.