A PLEASANT CONFERENCE UPON THE OBSERVATOR, AND Heraclitus: TOGETHER With a brief RELATION OF THE PRESENT POSTURE OF THE French Affairs. LONDON: Printed for H. jones. MDCLXXXII. A Pleasant Conference UPON THE OBSERVATOR and HERACLITUS. ABout the time that the third Head of Cerberus had set the Watch for the other two that were fallen asleep, in came a Spirit Booted and Spurred, and commanded the Gates of the Infernal Palace to be opened: which was immediately done, without a word of Pray Sir remember the Porter. Who should this be, but one of Lucifer's Emissaries, that he had sent into this world to Eavesdrop for Intelligence, to keep Company, to counterfeit sometimes Tory, and sometimes Whigg, and make what Discoveries he could. Lucifer had been Gaming most part of the night, and was very drowsy, when they brought him word that such a one was attending below: but understanding his business, he ordered him present admittance. May it please your most Illustrious Highness, said Belfagor, for that was the Name of the Plutonian Emissary, You sent me into the other world to make Discoveries; and it was upon this ground, for that you believed your two Brorhers, jupiter and Neptune, had been injurious to you, in giving you the worst share of the Universe, and therefore you were resolved upon new pretensions, to make an Exchange or an Invasion, and not be confined any longer to Shades or Tenebrosity. And to this purpose you sent me to discover the Genius of your intended Subjects. Sir, take my advice, and stay where you are. For as for your Brother jupiter, I have made some inquiry after him, but find him to be althogether worn out of date; so far from being Adored and Worshipped, that you shall hardly hear him named, unless it be now and then in a Thunder-thumping Tragedy. And for your Brother Neptune, 'tis said that the French King has bought him out of all his Dominions, and intends to be Lord of the whole Ocean that flows between both the Poles himself. And for the Earth, I mean that part of the Universe where those Creatures called Mortals live, the forementioned French King, no more dreaming of Mortality, than you of dying, is resolved to make himself the Universal Monarch of it. To which purpose, he daily goes on, vexing, tormenting, and encroaching upon his Neighbours, that no body can live in quiet for him. No Leagues will hold him, no Faith will bind him up; so that altough your most Serene Sootiness wel● know how much you are bound up, if you only Swear by Styx, yet is he so regardless of those things, that i● you mind him of his Treatie-Attestations, he presently shrugs up his shoulders and laughs at ye,— as much as to say,— he knows better things.— He buys Towns by wholesale, and I wish you yourself may be safe from his Treasure. Pluto. Let him be never so rich, and never so great a Ruffler, I think I am able to match him both in number and wealth. Belfagor. I grant it, Sir, you excel him in number, but then, alas, Sir, what signify your Millions of Skeletons, shadows only of Men, that live merely upon the Air, to encounter with so many thousands of well-disciplined Sa, Sa's, whose bones are covered with hard flesh, and outwardly ●ortified with ●loaths and Armour, within with Beef, Pudding, Strong-beer, and Canary, which they will have if it be upon earth.— Then for your wealth, Sir,— 'Tis true, you may make these Mortals, especially the most active, they'll do even what you please for your Money; but then again, they are so Quarrel-some, so Mutinous, so Seditious, so Turbulent, so restless, that you who have reigned always in peace, and in perfect Unity with your own Natural Subjects, and with so much awe and Arbitrary Dominion over Foreigners, will never endure to be pestered, harrassed, worryed, hampered, and perplexed, by these humane Terrestrials, as you must expect to be. Pluto. But how if I can get in by Conquest? Belfagor. Ah, Sir, I would not have you attempt it, for they'll be too hard for you in two things; the one side will outpray ye, and the other will out-swear ye; and then pray tell me, what will become of all your Millions? all the vast Army, and all the numerous Captains that Miltons' Paradise lost musters up for ye, they'll all do you not a pins worth of good. Pluto. This seems somewhat strange, I thought I could have dealt well enough with Mankind; I am sure I find the proudest of 'em all tame enough here. Belfagor. That's nothing, Sir, when they are incarnate they are quite another thing; and therefore if your Sootiness will not believe me, you had best go incognito, and try yourself. Nay, Sir, to tell you more, there is in one little spot of the Terrestrial Globe, a place called Plotter● Island, which you may easily cover with one of your Princely Black Thumbs, where they are in the strangest confusion imaginable; and all about a business that I am sure you would never trouble your head with; much less would endure to have your rest disturbed, your repose disordered, and your pleasures interrupted for it. Pluto. Prithee what's that? Belfagor. Religion, Sir, or, at least, that's the grand pretence. Pluto. I believe that which you call Plotters Island, is Sicily; for that Island is monstrous hot, as they say, as having a continual burning Mountain in it, fancied to be the vent of my Kitchen Chimney, and therefore it may be rationally thought to have some more than ordinary influence upon the heads of the people. Belfagor. No, no, Sir, 'tis called Plotters Island, where all the Inhabitants are under Disguises, Jealousies, Fears, and Misconstructions; one man calls his Neighbour Whigg, and his Neighbour calls him Tory; another man calls his Neighbour Fanatic, and his Neighbour calls him Tantivie-man. Pluto. By the Mass, I never heard of such feat Names be●ore. Belfagor. No, Sir, I believe you did not; but 'tis come to that pass now, that all the Goosequillers are got into the field, skirmishing continually, without any thoughts of Winter-quarters. Pluto. The Goosequillers, prithee what are those? who commands them? Belfagor. Why, may it please your most Serene Sootiness, they are for the most conversed with in the shapes of Men, but I rather look on them with a party per pale prospect, half Devil, half Man. The great Generals of the Parties are, General Observator, General Heraclitus, General Advice from Rome, with several Brigadeer of lesser fame, as Col. Fetterlanio, etc. Pluto. What sort of Weapons do they use? Belfagor. Pamphlets▪ Sir: You may go into a Coffee-house, and see a Table of an Acre long covered with nothing but Tobacco-pipes▪ and Pamphlets, and all the se●ts full of Mort●●● leaning upon their Elbows, licking in Tobacco, Lies, and Laced Coffee, and studying for Arguments to revile one another. Pluto. How comes all this to pass? Belfagor. By virtue of a certain Devilish Engine, Sir, of your own inventing, called a Printing-press. Pluto. Ay, but all this while these are only Tools; who are the Artists that manage and handle these Tools? Belfagor. Sir, the Inhabitants of the Island told me, those Artists were great friends of yours; that is to say, the Pope, and certain Viperous Animals of his fostering, called Priests and Jesuits. Pluto. O hang 'em, they'd embroil my Kingdoms too, if they could; but thou knowest what massy Bolts and Locks I have been forced to keep 'em under, ever since I smelled 'em out, and what extraordinary corrections I give to keep them low and quiet. Well, but what pranks had these fellows been playing in Plotters Island? Belfagor. Why, Sir, they have been playing the Devil with two sticks. They had set up a most cruel and dangerous Plot to destroy the Prince of the Island, and the greatest part of his best Subjects, which they call Heretics; but it being in time discovered, the design seemed so execrable, so detestable, so abominable, so pernicious and destructive to the very Being and Welfare of Mankind, that the Pope, his Priests and Jesuits, have been labouring all the ways imaginable to throw off the shame and ignominy of the thing from themselves▪ and fix it upon the Heretics. To this purpose they laid down this for a Maxim, That if the Prince of the Island were once set against that part of his Subjects which they most dreaded, and by them lately called whigs, and they provoked against the Government, he would not only be alienated from them, but be in a manner compelled, for his own security, to join with them against his new displayed Enemies. The design being thus laid, to embitter the Prince against the Subject, & the Subject against the Prince, the Pope and the Jesuits embodied themselves with the Tories, among whom credulity and heat of the brains reign very powerfully, and made them believe strange stories and Romances of the whigs, as if they were Machinating against Regal Government, setting up Republics, building Castles in the Air for Garrisons, and lastly, that they intended to have seized upon the Person of the King; Tales all as false as improbable, and such as have ridiculously, it seems, suffered since by the unsuccessful choice of the Witnesses and Proofs. Then the Observator and Heraclitus were left loose to bawl out Forty One, Forty One, Oh, Forty One, have a care of Forty One, beware of Forty One, Bow, wow, wow, wow, Forty One. Don't you remember, Sir, what a dreadful noise our Dog Cerberus made one night, when Theseus came Hectoring down hither, and broke your Highness' Palace-Windows? Pluto. Very well, for which Theseus gave the Cur such a confounded pelt, after his manner, that his Triple pate was forced to be anointed with butter and beer for six Months after. Belfagor. Well, Sir, even such a wicked noise do these two wide-mouthed Melampus' make. And all this while the Tantivie-men spit i' their Mouths, collect silver sops for 'em among the rest of the Tribe; and when they have reduced them into Aurum Potabile, present it ●or their farther encouragement. Having by these ways endeavoured to render the Subject suspected to the Prince, their next game was to render the Prince odious to the Subject, by advising him to recall his gracious Dispensation of severe Laws, and to cause penalties to be put in execution for the enforcement of their Conscience, of which the whigs are said to be extremely nice and tender. A thing which the whigs lament very much, as knowing how little they vary in points of Controversy from the Tories. And the better to colour this design, they seized and imprisoned several of the whigs, and were so fortunate to hang a poor intruder; by which means they thought to have struck at the whole Party; but the ruin being circumscribed to his only Microcosm, the Intrigue was buried with his Quarters. Pluto. So, than you say the Jesuits are they, that set the Tories and whigs together by the ears. Belfagor. You have it right, Sir, and they still continue the feud. Pluto. All this while, good Belfagor what is a Tory? what is a Whig? what are these Tantivie-men, these Observators, and these Heraclitus? Belfagor. May it please your most Serene Tenebrositie, When I first came to hear of these uncooth Names, I was as much a gast as your Highness seems now to be; I ne'er was so afraid i'my life, but that they had been some new inventions of the men of Schemes, to send us trotting about the world upon their Fools Errands; but long it was not ere they began to make Characters one of another, or some body for them; and that puts us out of those fears, all which I presently bought up, as well to inform my own ignorance, as your Highness' curiosity. The first I met with was that of a Tory. Pluto. And where is it? Belfagor. 'Tis here in my paw, I intent if your Sootiness will give me leave, to read it. Pluto. Do so. Belfagor. A Tory is a Monster with an English Face, a French Heart, and an Irish Conscience. A Creature of a large Forehead, prodigious Mouth, supple Hams, and no Brains▪ The Countryman's Description of him, was both Rhyme and Reason▪ Roary, Whorey, Sworey, Scorey, That's a Tory; for Noise and Debauchery, Oaths and Beggary, are the Four Elements that compose him: His Arms are those of Istacher, an Ass Couchant; and his Mark is a Red Ribbon in his Cap, to show, That he belongs to the Scarlet Whore, by her Bloody Lvery; or else, you may take it for a Wedding Favour, That whenever Popery and Tyranny shall make a Match, he would fain be a Bride man. He seems descended from Esau, since he is so ready to Truck away an Invalluable Birthright for a French Kick shaw, and a Nauseous Mess of Italian Pottage. Or if you will run his Pedigree higher, you may call him a Noddite, one of the Race of Cain the Murderer, that would fain be Persecuting his Brother, merely because he is more Righteous than himself. Take our Tories in the State, and they are Caterpilers that Devour every green thing in a flourishing Kingdom, and would Stab Liberty and Property to the Heart, that they themselves like Beasts of Prey, might live wholly upon Sport and Rapine, ●it only to be Subjects to Neb●chadnezzar, when bereaved of Humane sense, he herded with the Wild Asses of the Desert. Though they boast themselves Englishmen, yet they act in all things as Antipodes to their Native Country, and seem rather Bogg-trotters Transplanted, the Spawn of some Redshanks, or the By-blows of the old lazy Lord-Danes, that once Domineered over our Ancestors. They are a sort of Wild Boars, that would root out the Constitution, and break the Balance of our happy Government; and render that Despotic, which hitherto has been both Established and bounded by Law. Fauxes in Masquerade, that with Darklanthorn Policies, would at once blow up the two Bulwarks of our Freedom, Parliaments and juries; making the first only a Parliament of Paris: and the latter, but mere Tools, to Echo back the pleasure of a Judge. They are so certain, that Monarchy is jure Divino, that they look upon all people living under Aristocracies, or Democracies, to be in a state of Damnation; and fancy, That the Grand Signior, the Czar of Moscovy, and the French King, dropped down from Heaven with Crowns on their Heads, and that all their Subjects were born with Saddles on their backs. Your true Tory is as fond of Slavery▪ as others are of Liberty, and will be at as much pains and charge to obtain it; for he envies the happiness of Canvas Breeches a●d Wooden Shoes; and extremely admires the Mercy of the Inquisition. He rails at Magna Charta, as the Seedplot of Sedition; swears, that it was first obtained by Rebellion, and that all our Forefathers were Rogues ●nd Fools, and did not understand Prerogative. He wonders why people should squander away their time at the Inns of Court, or what need there is either of the Common-Law or the Statute-book, since the King might at any time, with quicker dispatch declare his pleasure in any Point or Controversy, and each Loyal Subject were bound to acquiesce, on pain of Damnation. Yet after all, his boasted Loyalty extends no further than a Drunken Health; he Roars and Swaggers, but does not Serve the King; he promises Mountains, and by Lies and Misrepresentations, gives false Measures, but performs nothing; nor is it the Cause, but the Crust that he Barks for. Then in relation to the Church; Tory is either a Crab-Protestant, that crawls backwards as fast as he can to Rome; or at best, but the Cat's foot wherewith the Romish Monkeys Claw the Protestant Religion till the Blood comes; one that does their Drudgery, though he has not always the Wit to see it, and all the Wages he must expect, is Polyphemus' Courtesy, to be Devoured last. He is a Flambeau kindled by the Jesuits, and flung in to make a Combustion amongst us. Whilst we were Hunting down their Plot with a full Cry, they slipped in their Deep mouth'd-Hound, who spending on a false Seent, diverted the Chase, and so the Popish Puss squats safe in her Form; and now quitting the pursuit of the Foxes, he begins to worry the Sheep. He pretends high for the Church of England; but as he understands not her Doctrine, so he dishonours her by his lewd Conversation. What a pretty pious Confession of Faith is it, to hear a Bully Cry, God-Dam-Mee, I am of the Church of England, and all the Presbyterians are Sons of Whores.) Indeed, the only proof both of his Religion and Courage, is, that he swears most frequently by that Tremendous Name, at which, lesser Devils Tremble, and his Christianity consists in Cursing all those that he is pleased to call fanatics; and fanatics he calls all those, that are not content to be either Papists or Atheists. His Tongue is always tipped with Dammee, and Forty One; and so hot, (being set on Fire of Hell) that he is fain to drink Healths, (sometimes to the Pope, and sometimes to the Devil,) Sixty times an hour to quench it; and then belches out Huzza's as fast, as Mount Strombulo does Fire and Brimstone. Whilst he clamours at Dissenters for not coming to Church, he thinks 'tis Canonical enough to sleep over the Lordsday, to digest the Fumes of Saturdays Debauch, or take a walk in Guild-hall-yard, peep in at the Preacher, and presently retire to the Tavern for a whet to Dinner, or else to meet the Club of Witty good-mockers by Fleet-ditch side, and Droll away the day in Blasphemy, Ridiculing Religious Duties, or inventing jack pudding Lies of some pretended Nonconformists Preaching. If he be somewhat of a more serious Temper, he is as very a superstitious Bigot, as any in the Papacy, he would rather have no Preaching, than that the Surplice should be left off, and thinks his Child not Christened, fit be not done with the sign of the Cross; he counts Opus operatum sufficient, and if he have but been at Common-prayer, and made his Responses loud enough to drown the Clerk, and had the Parson's Blessing, his Task is done and all is safe. Flesh on a Friday is more abomination to him, than his Neighbour's Bed, and he abhors more not to bow at the Syllables of the word jesus, than to swear by the Name of God. He has got a New English Dictionary, framed by the Indefatigable skill of Heraclitus, and the Observator, whereby the Traversties the most Loyal honest sense into Blasphemy and Treason. Talk soberly of Religion, and he flappes you over the face with Heresy, Schism, Fanaticism, and Faction, or roundly calls you confounded Whigg, and so you are confuted. Urge never so modestly, Legal Fundamental Rights, and mention Irregularities, though in a place appointed to remedy them, he cries out Rebellion! Treason! you Depose the King! you Arraign the Government, etc. Mention the Commons of England, and the general sense of the Nation, and he exclaims, Damn the Mobile and your Appeals to the Rabble; and yet at the same time Courts and Applauds Tagrag and Long-tail, the Cooks and Chandler's of New-Sarum, and such other Worshipful Patriots, for declaring their three halfpenny Judgements of the highest Affairs of State, in their Addresses. And as for the two last Parliaments, every petty Chapman or Apprentice-boy, takes upon him to Censure the grave Proceedings of those Venerable Senates, as malapertly as if they had been but a Company of Fiddlers. Yet still he fears not God so much as a Parliament, but the reason why he Blasphemes the one, and Rails at the other, is, because as he really believes not a Future Judgement in the other world, so he puts far off the other (to him) evil day in this, and hopes to escape the Justice of both by the Mediation of Saint Noli prosequi. Pluto. Well, what's the next? for I like this so well, I must hear all the rest. Belfagor. Why, Sir, the next is the Character of a Whig, but a thing so scurralously and weakly penned, that it cannot afford your Highness' matter enough for one smile; and therefore if you please, we'll hang that by on the Jesuits file. Pluto. Do so, but what's the next? Belfagor. Why the Character of a Tantivie-man. Pluto. Come read that then. Belfagor. He is a jolly brisk young huff in Crape, Reperteeing, Railing, Diolling, and Drinking; his Library besides Comedies and Novels, are Grotius on the Canticles, his Votum propapacia, Ovid de act a Mandi, Cassander, Piece Maimbourg, Shame History of Lutherism, and Bennets Spinoza, which you must know he reads for Confutation and direction only. As for his Religion, it is an Aristocracy, he can burlesque our little Discenting slaves at whom, while like a true Spiritual Venetian, he opposes the Privileges of his Enthusiastic Parliament, to the Royalties of Holy Daddy; and this under the specious pretence of their Liberties and Immunities, of the Gallicane and other jure Divino Grandees, though he cannot for all that easily brook the Infallible Cheat; yet should at this time of day go by the Elsabeth name of Antichrist. He is a Man-Midwife, and hath been for some years an Apprentice to Mother Celliers, yet affects a singularity in the Mystery; he would deliver the Monster with the heels foremost, all Systems in Theology he dislikes, as savouring of Wittenberg and the Lake Lemaune, excepting this one concise and pithy one of his own compiling, which as being a lover of the art of climbing, he hath made in a Climax or Ladder, fashion thus; No Christen, no Salvation, no Salvation, no Grace, no Grace, no Bishops, no Bishop, no Salvation; whence as clear as day light, Damnation to all Geneva men. His Church is much to large for a British-head; for of late it reaches from the Isles of Orcades, to the Grand Signors Seraglio, and better fits the term of Fifth Monarchy Monsieur, then of a Protestant English Prince. He hath taken an Oath that his most Sacred Majesty, (whom God for ever preserve from him and all false Traitors) is in all causes and over all persons, in these his Dominions, supreme Head and Governor; and yet would perfidiously advance into his place, a Juncto of Foreign Mitre-men, wherein the very Pope if he'll but for once disclaim Arbitrary power, and give his word to be Civil, may preside in pontificalibus. In a word, he is a servile Parasite, a proud Hector, the Cat's foot to the Jesuit, an underminer of Civil power, a Monopoliser of base Spirits, a Disbeliever of Popish Plots, turns Faith into Policy, Religion into Intrigue, and Devotion into hypocrisy, Banters Heaven, abuses the World, and betrays his Country. Pluto. Belfagor, thou art a Rogue, I never laughed so heartily before; specious pretences, and Bantring of Heaven, with a Rope to 'em. Well, the next. Belfagor. Why, Sir, the next, for the sake of dearly beloved Brotherhood, have so wrapped themselves up in one another, that I cannot read them distinctly. Pluto. Why then let's have them as they are. Belfagor. The Character of the Observator and Heraeclitus Ridens. The one is a mere Fiddler in Dialogues, the other plays the Treble to his Base. They skin and skarifie the Act of Oblivion, and tease about Forty One, till they lose it, to get Twenty shillings a week. After all their deep Contemplations, and delving in the Rubbish of the late times, the Observator keeps a great bustle in the world, to prove there is as much pleasure in borrowing discourse, as in stealing the affections of a young Lady against the consent of her Parents. He is one that tugs at the Labour Oar of Mischief, to turn the head of Conscience with his Tide. He and Heraclitus are the men, for whose sake College may be in some measure pitied, for lying under the lash and sweet revenge of their Nonsensical and inhuman Triumphs. The Observator is one that Strange le thirsts and panteth after Adoration in Coffeehouses, and is the very Adonis of Sam's in Ludgate-street; where because he takes no Tobacco, he talks nothing but smoke. He and Heraclitus have reason to shake hands, in regard their Tails are so close tied together, like Samsons Foxes, to fire the Nation. Neither Truth, Honesty, Reason, nor right Maxim of State do they consider, nor how to temper the various mixtures in the variety of Opinions; suffering themselves to be carried away with the stream of present Transactions, and forgetting the rules of that profession, to which they both aspire, that there is Harmony in Discord; which since it cannot be avoided, is to be well and artificially bound and sweetened, not exasperated. It may be questioned whether the Observator and Heraclitus may not more truly be said to be the jack-puddings of the Nation, that play the Fool during the Fair-time, for the private advantage of them that set 'em at work; or the Ignes Fatui, that endeavour to lead the people astray with their false lights, appearances of Reason only, and the evening-flashes and dazlings of unpondred truth. They are the common Receptacles of Contribution Drollery. Were every Man's Name to his Conceit, their Pamphlets would look like the Roll of Benefactors in Paul's, the true experiment of the Proverb, Tot homines, quot sententiae. It may be thought, that like Castor and Pollux, they were hatched out of a Leda's Egg, while they make such havoc of Goosequils, and act the parts of officious Ganders over the rest of the vulgar flock: though it is not to be imagined, that the Capitol of the Commonweal should ever be saved by their clamorous impertinences, yet they may be said to be like Mongrels, that bark at Sowgelder's. They are afraid of something by a sympathetick Compunction, yet know not what to call it. Tory and Whigg are the groundwork upon which they lay the Pearl and Embroidery of their fictitious contrivances. With these implements, and other sheepmarks of distinction, they endeavour to raise a Civil War in every private Family, to break and dissolve the harmless bonds of honest Society and Conversation, and Guelph and Ghibelline the Nation into confusion. Sometimes they are so confident as to name particular persons, and barbarously let lose the detested custom of the Vetus Comoedia, so long ago exploded by the Civil Greeks, to worry the Reputation of those that will not feed their humours. The Jesuit is now got a t'other side, and frisks it in his wanton conceits, like a fat Heifer in a rich pasture; and chuckles again to see those that confounded his Real presence, and other shams of his profane Idolatry, now reviling and tongue-persecuting those that hope for the joys of Eternity by a better Sacrament. 'Tis true, they are very merry, but still they play like Melancholy Gamesters, the right hand against the left; so that 'tis no wonder they should win all they throw at. Only sometimes they get a Rub from Ludgate-hill, and then they cry, Hoop, here's work for another week. But as one passionate word in scolding draws on another, and the feud will never abate, while the heat and Fury of the animosities is continued; therefore it were to be wished, that care might be taken for the suppression of all those Goose-quill Pickerers. They are base and inconsiderate, more swayed by Pence, G●inies, and Irish Consciences, than by true Loyalty or Reason. They make no distinction between Dissenters out of Faction, and Dissenters out of pure and Immaculate Consciences; but run tempestuously upon a most undoubted Body of the Protestant Religion without exception. Masqueraded Champions, and it seems well paid for their Tilting. They consider not, that though Reflections upon Sovereign Princes are abominable, yet the sober and temperate discourse of Liberty was always allowed. Besides, they can never be said to write well, who are not able to justify themselves to all the Inquisitions of the Government wherein they live; therefore neither the Observator nor Hera●litus can be said to write well, because the very noise of a Parliament terrifies them, more than the rattling of Thunder did Caligula; it drives the one again to his Batavian Sanctuary, and without blast founder's the Sailing Vessel with all its Cargo. Pluto. Why these are fine fellows indeed! Well, but how Belfagor did you find these Characters to agree with the persons? Belfagor. All the observation I could make was this, that they agreed well enough with some, but very ill with others. They hit the humours of the vain and loser sort of the one, and the more designing and turbulent of the other party, but never touched the rest, who are of all the far greater number. So that all this paperscuffling seemed to me, to be only to amuse the Vulgar and the Ignorant, and to raise a general combustion in the Nation, to the end the State-Salamanders might secure themselves in the flames. And for the Scribblers themselves, those great Generals of so many Battalions of Wast-paper, I leave to your Highness' judgement, for I am sure it will one day come to that, whether or no they would not write for your Sootiness upon occasion, being such as only for the present farm out their extravagant fancies, and lowly surrender themselves to be the Tools of Mischief and Disorder for a little immediate gain; wherein they are yet so unsuccessful, as not to gain the least conquest upon men of Reason or Discretion. Sir, did you ever hear of Forty One? Pluto. Yes, and was myself a great actor too at that time. Belfagor. And what does your Highness think of an old, cunning, weatherbeaten Statesman, that should go about to recover an Intrigue in which he had once lost himself, by the same measures, by the same beaten road, and by the same trite and common artifices, still so fresh in memory, that every ordinary Politician in power would easily know how to obviate. Pluto. I should think him a fool, a mere fisher for Frogs, that thinks to catch the Multitude again with a bait, which they had swallowed already, so much to their prejudice. Belfagor. Wherefore then so much noise with Forty One? the stale, overworn, threadbare pretences of which, are now known to every Apprentice; which makes me think, that the whigs, men of deep profound consideration, and that have much to lose upon 〈◊〉, must have newe● studied and resined intrigues, if any at all, than those of Forty One, or else it is impossible that they should be guilty of those practices which are laid to their charge; from whence it is as impossible they should ever dream for the least success, while there is but two pennyworth of vigilancy over 'em. Besides, Sir, one thing more I observed in my Travels, that before the Grand Plot, the whigs were accounted good Subjects, had all the Gracious Compliance, Loyal hearts, and open Purses, that could be wished for; so▪ that all things past seemed to be buried in the grave of oblivion. But no sooner was the Grand Plot of your Highness' Nephew the Pope discovered, but up starts Forty One in a Winding-sheet, and made such a noise i'the streets, that nothing could stand in competition with it. Then it was that the Popish-landers, countenanced by some of the greatest personages in Plotters-Island, like the Hare, that never makes more doublings and turnings, than when she hears the full cry of fields ring the peal of Death in her ears, finding the whigs in chase of their Plot, and still tracing it upon the hot scent of fresh discovery, were resolved, if they could, to spoil their noses, by strewing good store of pepper all along upon the trail. To this purpose they set up one of their Minions to thwart the first Discoverer, to contradict him, tease him, vex him, discountenance, discourage and render him fallacious, an Impostor, and consequently ridiculous to the people. Nay, he was so venturous, though he durst not absolutely deny the Plot, in the Infancy of its Discovery, as to fix it so for a time by his Libelling Charms, that it seemed to hang in an airy doubt between Truth and Untruth; like your Highness' Brother Mahomet's Tomb between Heaven and Earth. But his Magic spells being broken by the Grand Senate of ●lotters Island, it rested again upon the Terra firma of the so much upbraided discovery, and then the Maggot was forced to creep into a Holland-Cheese, for fear of being brought to condign punishment. For the Grand Senate of the Island, notwithstanding all his little potions of Intoxication, found, and adjudged it to be a Plot, caressed the Discoverers, and prosecuted the Criminals with that Noble Zeal, that your Highness well knows the Harvest you have reaped thereby. Pluto. Ah Belfagor, Belfagor, a poor Wheatsheaf to what I should have had, could the design have been complicated, and I have had but my due! Belfagor. I confess it, most Fuscous Lu●ifer; I have always had that experience of your Justice, that you love not to be named with the Innocent. Pluto. I cannot say so Belfagor, for the Nocent and Innocent are all one to me. But I must needs say, when the Innocent come in shoals, I have a far worse opinion of them that send, than of those that are sent, as verily believing there must be most devilish foul play i'the case. Belfagor. Thus far, Sir, as I have hinted before, all the Treason, all the Ignominy, all the Shame, all the Villainy of the design, all the blame that your Highness could have had, had you been guilty of it yourself, lay upon the necks and shoulders of the Popish-landers. All which rendered them so abnoxious all over the world, and made the burden so heavy, which otherwise they would have made no more of, than of a Lark's feather, that they resolved to rid themselves of it▪ if it were possible to be done by the art of Jesuits; and I was informed, that they had sent a most splendid Embassy of Thirty, thousand Masses and Ora pro Nobis', and that your Nephew the Pope had offered you the Restitution of Purgatory, to give your assistance. Pluto. 'Tis very true, Belfagor, what you say, and thereupon we advised with our Chief justice Rhadamanthus about it, who told us, they were a company of Villains and Poltrons, and had so much craft and cunning already, that if we lent them any more, we might chance to rue the fatal effects of our kindness; and desired us to beware the sad example of our Father Saturn. Thereupon we excused ourselves, by telling 'em, that neither we nor our Royal Consort had ever been bred to Church-music, and therefore had no kindness for it; and that for their Exorcisms, we had now learned more wit than to fear 'em. Belfagor. Then I believe that it was upon the return of their Embassy, that they set up to work for themselves, for presently they raised a hugeous high Mountain which they called Forty One, out of the Mines of an old Garrison long ago dismantled; from the top of which they daily discharged whole Volleys of Invectives, Libels, Tales, Stories, sham's, Surmises, Calumnies, and several other such kind of paper-Squibs against the whigs, to make a breach in the Reputation of the whole Party. This was diligenrly carried on by their two principal Generals of the Artillery, Don Observatore, and Don Heraclitus, who have laboured at the Battery day and night for some time. Truly, Sir, it behooved the Papists so to do, for their necessities pressed hard upon 'em at first, for the principal Provinces of Plotters Island, that is to say, Toryland, Whigg-land, and Tantivie-shire, were against 'em, and the chief Governor of justicia was a Whigg-lander, by whose admirable Courage and Conduct the Plotters were every where overthrown, defeated, and cut off; which the Popish-landers seeing, resolved, if possible, to gain him to their side; and at length so far prevailed, that for a good round sum he being very poor and in debt, surrendered up the Garrison of justicia, into the hands of the Popish-landers, by which means the Seer W. the Princess of Mealtubia, and several other most Notorious Plotters made their escapes, to the incredible joy and advantage of the whole party; who animated with this success, with a very numerous army of specious pretences, large promises, sly insinuations, cunning persuasions, false Oaths, crafty protestations, and Masqueraded counterfeits, soon reduced a great part of Toryland under their subjection, and are now endeavouring the utter ruin and devastation of Whigg-land, not doubting but to undermine the whole Plot, and so blow it upon Whigg-land; to which purpose these Toryland Pamphleteers, like Moles, lie delving and digging unwarily in the dark and obscure Mines of Jesuitism, little dreaming that the Mines will at length fall upon 'emselves; nor considering that whatever Interests or Prerogatives of Princes the Popish-landers may pretend, Perae il mondo, e ruina il cielo, is their Motto; they care not though all the Interests and Prerogatives of all the Princes in the world were utterly ranverst, so they may uphold their own. And all this proceeds from the enormous pride of the Clergy, who not enduring any Equals, much less Superiors, would have all the world under their girdles. And thus having given your most Illustrious Sootiness the best account I can, of the hazards and encumbrances you will meet with in attempting upon the Globe of the Earth, I again advise you to keep your old station, where you live at ease, with full Command and Dominion. Pluto. Well, but is there no appearance of Reconciliation? Belfagor. Truly, Sir, by what I observe, my opinion is, there's little probability for't, so long as these Swarms of Pamphleteers are suffered. For though Impeachments and Accusations upon just ground are always to be allowed of, yet Calumnies are never to be endured among a Free people; they only irritate, never chastise, but are often made use of to justify the effects of provocation. Pluto. Well then, if it be so, I'll keep where I am. But are they all so sullen and morose? is there no mirth among 'em? Belfagor. Why, truly Sir, I'll tell ye, not long since, I met with two merry Relations, the one among the Tory-landers, the other among the Whigg-landers; the first concerned a Whigg-lander, who had been poisoned with the blast of an Irish Conscience, flown from the breath of a randan Tantivie-man; that among the Whigg-landers concerned a certain stripling in the Law, son, as they said, to the late Governor of the Fortress of Iustici●, who so publicly was degraded for his Misdemeanours, and commonly called the Catholic Lawyer; I was showed him once in the street in a Coach, hung about with loose rattling Irons, which made a noise like little Bells, which made me look to see what Coaches followed him; because I had observed, that the foremost of your Carrier's Horses always travail with a Choler of Bells about their necks; whether it were his pride or his ambition, I can't tell; however, he got a name by it, and is like to keep it, for they call him Gingling Will; he pretends, they say, to be a second Mercury for swiftness of heels, and swears he would have undertaken to have kept pace with the Eagle that carried Ganymed to your Brother jupiter. Insomuch, that he had like to have got on of the best places in the Penny-post-Office, had he not spoiled his preferment by the loss of a Match which he made to run with a Tinker, both naked, for Three Guineas, all the length of the Pall Mall in St. James' Park. Pluto. And you say Gingling Will, as you call him, did run this Match. Belfagor. Yes, ant like your Highness, and the Tinker won it too for the Tinker put the shame upon him, by disguising another more nimble of foot to run it for him. Pluto. By Styx, when he comes into my clutches, I'll make him run't over again, rather than I'll have a Catholic Councillor so baffled by a Tinker. Belfagor. The same Relation informed me likewise, that as he was a great Racer himself, so he thought it also convenient to keep a running Nag. To which purpose when the Carter brought the Money to pay his Father for the surrender of the Garrison of justicia, the young Squire knocks off the hoops of one of the Firkins, crammed his pockets, and presently tripped it away to the chief City of Plotters ●●land; thither being come, his Money burning in his breeches, he repaired for a Cooler to a Reverend old Matron, whom your Highness well knows, as having been long famous for sin and iniquity, called Betty Buly. Oh, Sir, I cannot pass her by without an Encomium; she has sent many a restless piece of young Kid, and Barren do to your Royal Consorts Table; and for Sauce, many a small Barrel of gentlemen's Palates, and Tips of Noses, instead of champignions', pickled in Decoctions of Guiacum and Sarsaperi●●a. To this good Lady the virtuous Squire, full of his Father's temptatation, Gold, goes and proffers her five Guinies to procure him a Virgin Intact. Pluto. Five Guineas, Belfagor? why, are Maidenheads so flush in'at place, that the price is fallen so low? I ha' known the time when a Mortal could hardly get one for love or money. Belfagor. Oh, Sir, the case is altered now, for old Mother Shipton's prophecy has almost ●rought itself about, with five or six Women to one man. But she presently took the measure of his narrow Soul, and fitted him accordingly; for instead of a Virgin, she brought him an old, cunnings, Gilting Whore, that infused such a Pabylonish Contagion into him, that what between the Tinker and the Harlot, he is unrecovered to this day, and finds enough to do to keep himself upon his l●gs. And which was worse, the story● breaking forth with the Dis●●●per, it was carried to his Clients the Imprisoned Lords, in the chief Castle upon Pl●tters Island, which gave occasion to the Ladies in company, not only to laugh heartily, but also to make Reflections upon his doleful condition. While one of them could not refrain from discovering the intended gratitude of the whole part to the fools that serve them, saving, Though 〈…〉 So that i● is much to be 〈◊〉, your Highness will lose your old acquaintance, 〈…〉; it being the vogue of all Plotters Island, that she des●rv●s a Canoni●ation▪ for b●ing thus instrumental in the Mortification of this little 〈◊〉. Pluto. I should have disowned the old I●de for my Scholar, as thou well know'st she was, had she done otherwise. Al●s five pound and a Crown! Belfagor. After this, Sir, and the swallowing of many a bitter Potion, and many a long Quicksilver spit, the young Squire being a little recruited, would needs go a swan-hopping after a young Gentlewoman in the Country, whom under the pretence of Matrimony he had formerly made love to, and obtained her promise. But that not being his design, he inveigled her up to the Chief City of the Island, where at a penurious Treat, he took occasion to drench her with such an Opiate Dose, that the young Damsel fell into a sound sleep, in which condition she was put to bed. Plut●. By Styx; a most excellent way to take a Maidenhead napping. But now I think on't, my Cousin Hecate played her beloved Endymion just such another trick, and enjoyed him in a dream. But I'll tell thee Belfagor, there must be great care taken of this Spark when he comes here; for he that will lie with a Maid in a dead sleep, will not spare to lie with the dead themselves. And if my Subjects should once get the trick on't, what a new generation of Devils should we have? I tell thee the consequences of th●se things are evil. Belfagor. Now, Sir, when the virtue of the Potion was spent, the unvirgined Gentlewoman awaked; but when she ●ound how the Gingling Squire had used her, grief and Despair threw her into those desperate fits, that brought a most violent Fever upon her; and such a distraction seized her for the loss of her Honour, that she could scarcely recover her former temper in Nine Months; at the end of which she made a worse Discoverry, and there was no concealing the business, for she was with Child. And now your Sootiness, according to your wont justice, expects to hear that Gingling Will should have made her amends by Marrying her. But he took the more gentle and modish way; he only kept her for a year or two; then that she might partake with him as well in his adversity, as prosperity, for he gave her a bountiful proportion of those marks of affection which he had received at Betty Buly's, and so dismissed her. And these, Sir, are your Tory ways of courting and consummating their Amours. Then, Sir, for their valour, they are very quarrelsome, especially upon the refusal of a Health. Pluto. Oh Belfagor, I have always observed, that Love and Honour go together. Belfagor. No, not too much of Honour neither, for, may it please your Highness, there are various tempers of men. Some valiant men cannot endure to see a Cat; others will never stand ye with a Custard at the Swords point. And thus it fares with our man o● Honour; for he cannot endure an Oaken plant in a Countryman's hand, called Dorathey, but if he sees it, sneaks into an Alley, and if pursued, surrenders up his silver-hilted Sword to be pawned at discretion, and redeem it if he think it worth his labour. But upon the refusal of a Health he takes another course; for than he proceeds gradually, first he star●s ye i'the face, and cries Zounds, what not drink the D's Health? then he throws a glass of Wine i'you● face; and if this be not taken well, he takes up a glass Bottle, beats a point of War upon your face, and presently breaks out two or three of your Teeth. And, Sir, let me tell you, there is nothing so frequent as these squabbles in Plotters Island; but they are very advantageous to your Highness' Quarter-ma●●er-generals my L. Sata●, and my L. Belzebub. As for example, if any person denies to drink the D. de P. Health, presently another cries Damn, w●at not drink the health? Dam▪ he shall drink it. So by the refusal of one Health▪ they g●● ten or twenty swinging assurances of Body and Soul to ●ll up the● Chinks of Hell. And all this proceeds from the A●imo●ties which are daily blown up and cherished by the Pamphleteers, those Tools of the jesuits, the Observator and Heraclitus. Pluto. Well, here's enough concerning the Son; but what's now become of the Father? Belfagor. Your Highness means the Governor of the fortress of justice.. Pluto. Yes, I do so. Belfagor. Then I'm right: Why, Sir, no sooner had he surrendered up that Fortress, (which he did for such a sum of money as would have tempted your Highness yourself,) but he was reentrusted to look after the utter demolishing of that Fort; wherein he showed himself so active, as if he had had a Spleen against that lovely Palace. Against the detectors of the Plot, no man more malicious and inveterate; nay, a person could not appear to give Evidence against a Popish-la●der, but 'twas presently, Whipstaff, Tip●●aff, take that Rog●e, and cast him into the Dungeon of Banco prisoni●; which was no sooner said but done. But to the ●opish-landers, no man more condescending, more soft, patient, and more indulgent: to the Princes of Mealetubia, like Pyramus to Thisbe; to the Baron of Astonaria, like Pylades to Orestes: And so a great part of the Walls of the Fortress fell down: And doubtless it had been totally ruined, had not the great Senate of Plotters Island opposed his p●oceedings. So that he was at length sent into the Country with a thing called a Quietus e●t, to enjoy what he has so basely got, with the Curses of the Islanders. Pluto. I hope he does not now lie quiet, and study Repentance; 'sfoot he's a fat gobbet, I would not miss him for any thing. Belfagor. Yes, and deserves to be severely handled for certain Treasonable words, which I am informed he spoke against your Highness, not long since. Pluto. What words? Belfagor. Why, Sir, he said, Damn me.— Pluto. Well, what hurt in that? Belfagor. None, Sir; but he said further, I demolished the 〈◊〉 Colemannia in spite of the Court; I delivered up the Fort of Wak●mannia in spite of the City, and I will be Governor of the Fortr●s● 〈◊〉 justicia still, in spite of the Devil. Pluto. Bid our Attorney-General take particular notice of this. Belfagor. The sooner the better, Sir, for he begins to droop. Pluto. How know you that? Belfagor. By his own confession, Sir, for quoth he at the same time, Though I am an Old fellow, and cannot drink, swear, fight and wh●re so well as formerly I could, yet I have a Son that is Castor and pollux, two in one skin, that can and shall do all together, to s●rve the 〈◊〉- lander. And then straining the point a little farther, he th●s proceeded: I have two Daughters also that shall perform their parts at all th●se accomplishments of Modish Gallantry. Pluto. A my word Belfagor, this Governor understands trap; thou know'st 'tis our way to have our Temptations ready for a brisk opportunity. But if he don't being himself into play, both his Sons and his Daughters too will be soon forgot. For the Sons of such p●rsons, ●ou know, like the Sons of Parsons, seldom come to good, and their Daughters are as little, regarded after their Fathers are laid aside, and are consequently dead either in their authority, or deceased to us. Belfagor. Oh, Sir, he has been endeavouring to glister in the world again. And to that purpose, believing a Privy-Councellors place might have been bought, offered some of his Popish-landers Gold for the Employment; but the impudent and impolitic offer rendered him so despicable and unfit for so high a dignity among Mortals, that they say ●he bit off both his Thumb-nails for madness that he had committed such an Error. Pluto. And well he might: he a Privy-councillor▪ by Styx, that Prince would be well served that makes use of him; he a Privy-councillor! he a Wine-Porter. Belfagor. Oh, Sir, but this is not all; I was informed by my Brother Ramballat, who was either your Agent that conducted the person that carried the Cordial Mass, or else Tempter-General to the Governor in your behalf, who was present at a discourse that happened between a certain M●●sieur, Mons●●ur Fran●●is, who was Agent in Plotters Island for the Sovereign of Francia, and the Popish-landers. It was in the Summertime, when the decl●●ing Sun had spread the ●erth with the long shades of several tall Elms, that were guarded from the brousing Cattle with s●ndry sweet-smelling brakes. Then I say it was, when Monsi●ur Fr●n●●is, and the Governor of the Fortress of Iu●ticia, wearied with Travail, or else to rec●●ate their tired cogitations, had lain themselves down undiscovered from each other; when on a sudden, Monsieur François disburthening, his mind to himself, uttered these words: By my Arbitrary power I●●e make him Absolute ere I return. Arbitrary? Absolute, quoth the Governor, why that's the thing I have been driving at; and presently, spying Monsieur Fran●●is, made up to him, and with his broad-brimmed Hat, and bended brows, accosted him. Who art thou, quoth Monsieur Fran●ois? Why, I am that late famous Knight, the Governor of the Fortress of justicia. To which Monsieur Francois replied, O, ho, Bon jour, bon jour, Monsieur le Governur. Pray speak English, Sir, quoth the Governor, for I have burnt my Tongue already with learning to speak French. Thereupon my Brother Ramballat was chosen to be Interpreter between them, so they began and went on as follows. Monsieur Francois. Why, man, what's the matter, are all things turned topsie turvie? Governor. So it seems, Monsieur: But did not you talk of Arbitrary, and Absolute, just now? Monsieur. Yes I did, and what then? Governor. Why because I was an Aslertor of the disquieted Title to Plotters Island, which the Whigglanders called Crime, and an Endeavouring to set up Arbitrary and Absolute Power. Monsieur. En bien, was that all your crime? that may be mine too for aught I know; for such is my business, and I am not to stir, until it be effectually done: But I have the Cash, the Cash, man, and that alone will do the work at long run. Governor. Cash, what Money? Monsieur. Yes Money, the very Life and Nerves of Intrigue and Design, the very weapon by which my Master hath made all those great Conquests which he now enjoys; and by which, if he lives but a few years longer, he'll subdue the whole World. Governor. How unhappy have I been, that could not be sooner acquainted with you; perhaps I might have been serviceable, and I'm sure his Coin would have been acceptable enough to me. Monsieur. No matter, 'tis not too late yet; though you are out of Power, yet your advice may be serviceable, and i● you'll come in for your share at that, I'll take care to procure you a Pension. Governor. Agreed, Monsieur Francois, with all my heart, and bring my Son in too; for of Idleness comes nothing, 'tis the moving hand gets the pence. Monsieur. Your Son, I know him, he's a thick-s●ul'd, hotheaded, sottish Clown, that can do us little good, unless it be to go now and then to Coffeehouses, and Huff, Swear, Ram and Dam against the Whigglanders, and that will scarce do neither, for they are grave, sober, serious, wary Sophisters, that must be handled gently, by men of Parts, learned, affable, and obliging, not by the heats and feuds of Ninnies and Fools. Governor▪ However, you see my goodwill to your Cause. But what sort of employment must mine be, and what my Pension? Monsieur. Your employment must be at all, and your Pension according as you deserve. Governor. By my troth this is very hard, though 'twas once in my power to have made my own terms, but now it seems I must, be forced to come in upon yours. Monsieur. Ay, and a good shift too. But in short I'll tell you the design, provided you will be sworn to secrecy, and then you will be able to guests whether or no you can do us any service. Governor. 'Tis agreed, I am sworn, now go on. M●nsieur. Why, I suppose you have heard of my Master's pretensions to the Dukedom of Burgundy, Luxemburg, etc. All which is as good as his own already; you cannot but have heard likewise, that he hath broke the Nimmeghen League by the taking of Strasburgh, why now he resolves to fall upon Flanders, which he hath reason to think himself pretty secure of: For though we have been seemingly asleep, under a Notion of Peace, yet our powerful Coin hath been moving in all parts of the World, but particularly in Flanders, where we have made so many of the Spanish Officers our own, that whenever my Master pleases to draw his Sword.— Governor. Draw his Sword, why must there be fight again? M●nsieur. Yes, a little for the colour of the thing. Governor. Your Master is the devil of a man, he Conquers more in the times of Peace, than all the European Princes besides can do, by the greatest face of War they are able to make. Monsieur. And therefore he is so much the more to be commended. Governor. No, pardon me for that, Sir, pray where are the brave and Heroe-like Feats of War? I find nothing but what's done by ●●eachery, and Princes guled out of their Countries under the Notion of Peace; which sort of Actions among Princes and Kings, are of all others most base and mean. Monsieur. But if you prate at this rate, Monsieur le Governor, ●are well, for I cannot endure.— Governor. Nay, hold Sir, if you will not hear what I can say against, as well as for, the Interest of your Master, how can you think that I shall understand my business, or ever be able to serve him? Monsieur. That's true. Governor. Then pray go on, but you must give me leave to interrupt you sometimes. Monsieur. Why, when we are once in possession of Flanders, you know what Inroads and other great advantages we have upon the United Provinces, so that they shall be constrained for their own safety, either to put themselves under my Master's protection, or else be liable to have their whole Country Marched over when frozen, and burnt, or set under water and ruined in a short time. Governor. What then? what have I to do with all this? you know that I am an old ●ellow, and can't go abroad. ●onsieur. I thought you a more judicious man, that's not required of you, you must hear this and a great deal more, or else you'll never understand any thing. This is the Scheme of my Master's Affairs all over the world, and will you not hear it? Governor. Yes, yes, pray go on, Sir. Monsieur. Why, when we are secured from the danger of Holland, have taken in Savona, Geneva, and some other as considerable Garrisons in those parts, which my Master hath now entitled himself to, by taking in Casal, when he hath procured his Son to be Crowned King of the Romans, the thing he hath so long desired, and either secured his Alliances with the Dane, Swede, Brandenburg, and some other of the Palatinate Princes, or put them into a state of Neutrality: When he shall have brought the Malcontents of Hungaria under the protection of the Turk, and secured him by an Offensive and Defensive League, by that time my Master hopes his Interest here may be so considerably increased, that it may be worth while to bring a considerable Fleet of men of War into the narrow Seas, to block up the Mouth of the River of Thames, and turn the whole Trade into Holland, the East Country, or elsewhere, and so having sufficiently weakened you, at once to pour into the bowels of your Country an Army of Eighty or a hundred thousand men. Governor. But if your Master do all this, what occasion is there for such an interest to be made here, as you seem to desire? Monsieur. Oh, very material, for my Master never strikes till he be secured every way, and therefore a 〈◊〉 well-insinuated interest here, would be of great moment at such a juncto, when my Master should Invade you; and in order thereunto, I am sent over to promote a right understanding amongst all our Friends, and to see that such as can be serviceable may have Pensions settled upon 'em. But as for those that only pretend, and do us no service, as there are many such, they must even pack off; for my Master hath spent vast sums of Money about this Affair already, and resolves to be bubbled out of no more. Governor. Why now you're come to the point: But how are those Pensions to be paid? have you a Fund here? Monsieur. Yes, and have had one for several years past. Governor. Well then, pray tell me wherein I can contribute to the advancing your Master's Interest here, how the posture of your Affairs stands, and who are your principal Friends. Unless I know this, I can do you but little service. I find you are no stranger to my Affairs; and therefore you well knowing how much I have been exposed already, I hope you will allow me instruments to work at a distance with. Monsieur. We expect from you nothing so much as Advice in points of Law, and in which we must be concerned sometimes. As for our Interest here, 'tis totally wrapped up in the-so-much-disputed Succession; and what that does, gives life and being to our designs. The immediate posture of our Affairs, seems to be very secure, nothing having more largely contributed thereto, than the late Transactions in Scotland; which to our best view hath brought all things to a Crisis: so that all depends now upon a Senate here, that may be as fit for our purpose as that in Scotland hath been. Governor. And how to procure that, is the great thing of all. Monsieur. You're i'the right on't, Monsieur le Governor, and that I believe will be your Task; which if you can but obtain, will not only give you the whiphand of all your Whigland Antagonists, but make your name great and famous to Posterity: for the time is coming, according to the common Proverb in France, Vn Dieu, un Roy, un Religion, over all the World; and if you can conttribue any thing to this, happy will be the hour you were born in. Governor. I'll do what I can. But I did desire to know your Masters principal Friends that are concerned in this great Affair. Monsieur. All that will follow of course by and by. Governor. Well then, what is it you would expect from a Senate here, if it were possible to get one for your Master's purpose? Monsieur. Oh, I'll tell you. We should be modest enough: for all our desire at present is, only to procure a Bill for fixing the Succession on D. de P. another for Liberty of Conscience, or Toleration as some term it; a third, an Act of Oblivion or Indemnity; to make room for which, we are endeavouring to render the Whig-landers as criminal to the Senate, as the 〈◊〉 have been● and fourth, to prohibit all our Country-Commodities. Governor. As for the three first, I understand 'em well enough; but what can you get by the last? Monsieur. Why if a general Prohibition should pass upon all ou● Country-goods, and my Master have at the same time the command of the Sea●, it would be an excellent colour to block up your River, as I told you before, and turn your Trade another way; nay, it might be a Shooing-horn to draw on a War between the two Crowns. Governor. But how do you think we shall be able to bring this matter to pass, so as to have a Senate for our purpose? Monsieur. Oh, for that I'll tell you, Monsieur le Governor, you have many Drinking Corporations; and some of 'em being well ●ly'd with good Beef, Bag-pudding, Wine, Beer, Brandy, and Tobacco, cannot fail for some of our Friends, more especially if we take but the least care to make the more mercenary part of 'em ours. We are no niggards of our Money in those cases. This being done according to our usual way of doing business, warily, will so enhance the Expenses of the Competitors, that i● a Senate be called but once in every year, according to our expectation, we shall so win upon the Multitude by our Generosity, that it will be impossible to fail of carrying all before us. Governor. And then what fine sport will it be to find the Electors swindged off by Laws of their own making and consent Monsieur. Nay, that's not all; for we have this advantage besides; There are many Gentlemen who serve for such Drinking Corporations, whose Estates are not worth above five of six hundred pounds per Annum, and out of that they have great Families to maintain; so that the spending of a years Rent (as some of 'em must do, if we take any care) once a year about their Elections, for four or five years together, will so tyre 'em, that they shall be glad to lay down the Cudgels. Governor. In that, I believe you're right, Sir: but perhaps all of 'em may not quit the point so. Monsieur. No matter: As for those that will not, they must be accosted with great Offers and Advantages, and some considerable Pensions for the time present; and these Offers with Necessities, are great Temptations. Governor. I know it full well. Monsieur. And that person who has but five hundred pounds per Annum, and has been forced to spend it all about his Election, perhaps may be glad to snap at a Crust of 1000 l. per Annum, either to decline the thing, or else to stand bound by promise to serve our turn, and have all his Election-charges born besides. Governor. Ay sure, a man would think so; but how long shall such a Pension be made to continue payable? Monsieur. Till the Senate have done our business. Governor. No longer? Monsieur. No longer, no: Why do you think, Monsie●r le Governor, that my Master intends to keep 'em in pay as long as they live? Governor. Yes, and reason good too, I think, where a man must hazard his All to serve him. Monsieur. Perhaps some few may be so paid, as yourself, and, etc. but my life for yours, my Master knows better, than to continue his Bribes to all of 'em: He loves the Treason, but hates the Traitor after he hath served him; as his usage to the Governor of Messina doth demonstrate. Governor. What a fine condition had our last Pensionary- Senate then been in, according to this account! But, Sir, do you think that any Gentleman will be prevailed with to betray his King and Country, his Life and Fortune, his Religion, his Liberty and Property, for a Song? Monsieur. Yes, believe it, yes: for you yourself have made an observation on the late Pensionary- Senate, and that's true enough: for those Pensioners would have done all that, and a great deal more, and yet they were very honest Gentlemen. Governor. Gentlemen, do you call 'em! what and so qualified! Pray where's their Honour? Monsieur. Pish; that you of all men living should ask such a question! Why Honour's laid aside then: for such a man must have no Fortune, no Religion, no Honesty, no value for his own Life; and such Qualifications as these, goes far in our business. Governor. You may expect from 'em long enough, I doubt, before you'll find your business done by such men in these parts: Perhaps more Northernly such a thing might take; but here— Monsieur. Why now I find you are totally against me. Governor. No, no, Sir; 'tis only my unhappiness, that I cannot be rightly, understood; I only make Objections for my own satisfaction: I am yours fast ●nough; but you must allow me to scruple Niceties sometimes▪ Monsieur. Any reasonable thing, for your better information, is allowable. Governor. Why then suppose the Pretensions of your Maste● (which you told me of just now) to Luxemburg, Burgundy etc. should prove a Fallacy, his interest in Flanders thrown out of doors▪ and by that means be put by those Inroads and great Advantages which he expects to have into the United, Provinces: Suppose they should have no regard to, but rather slight his Protection: Suppose he should, instead of taking in Savona, Genoa, and those other considerable places in them parts, which he now seems to have such a vigilant eye upon, and pretends such great right to, meet the Lati● Princes united, and in a considerable posture of defence, ready to oppose him: And suppose the Dane, Swede, Brandenburg, etc. should Ally with the Emperor, the King of Spain, the State's General, etc. And suppose you find the Malcontents of Hungaria reconciled to, and under the protection of the Emperor. What would his invading of England be worth then? Monsieur. O fie, Monsieur le Governor, you talk at ● strange rate now, and of such impossibilities,— Governor. Why suppose the Hollanders, should send out a Fleet of Men of War, some to examine your Master's power concerning the Mountain which he is raising in the Sea before Dunkirk; others to batter down the Castle wh●ch he is building in the Air at Marselles, and to burn the Ships both there and at Tholose? Monsieur. These are more improbable, and but your own wand'ring surmises, without the least ground. ●ut allowing all those Alliances, and much more, yet if they have not England in with 'em, we remain still secure. Governor. How so? Monsieur. By our League; which I am of opinion they will not adventure to break. Then as for the Emperor, though he should in heat strike up an Agreement with the Malcontents, still we can call the Turk into his Territories, as we use to do. Governor. Why, hath your Master such an interest in the Turk? Monsieur. Yes, yes, an entire League: Did you never hear of that? Governor. Surely the Devil is in him. Well, go on, pray, Sir. Monsieur. Why the Turk will be able enough to divert the Emperor, having our Country to friend for all manner of Provisions for War; and as for those his Allies▪ my Master will undertake himself. As for the Latin Princes, have we not the Assistance of our Holy Father the Pope, when my Master pleases to require it? and●s not Casal our own? and are not the Latins most grievously vexed with the Plague? and is it not known to all the World, how various and different their interests are, like the Prince's Palatine? Therefore I say, all these things well considered, any reasonable Politician would think that an Army of 20000 Horse and Foot that are experienced, and well disciplined men, some for burning, others for pillage and plundering, being in the very bowels of an Enemy's Country, should in a short time make such havoc, and bring such an awe upon the spirits of the people, that they should be glad to take a Protection, or a Peace upon any terms. Governor. Why, but still there's the Spaniard, and— Monsieur. The Spaniard, all the world knows his poverty, and how unfit he is to defend either by Sea or Land; and then his late Match with Madam, and some other as prevailing Checks, which his Necessities make him liable to, will divert him another way. But notwithstanding all that, let him strike up his Alliance with the Hollander, Dane, Swede, etc. which before they can bring to perfection, my Master will have fetched in Flanders in spite of their teeth. Governor. Nevertheless, I doubt your Master has licked a Burr into the Throat of his Policks, by having to do with so much Potency at once, whose whole Countries are at stake. And again, have they not at least two Millions of Friends (the Hugonots) in the very heart of your Master's Country; besides vast stores of Men, Money, Shipping, and all other Necessaries for War? Pray, Sir, do you but state this to any reasonable Politician, and I'll undertake he shall tell you, Your Master's Affairs stand but in a bad posture; and nothing less than, his total Ruin can follow, if England be prevailed with to alley. Monsieur. Pish, why that can never be done. Governor. No truly, I fear it very much: for I'm sure if they do but consult Policy and their common Safe●y, it must bring 'em in, more especially at such a time as this is, when the greatness of your Master threatens all the World with nothing but Vassalage and Destruction. Monsieur. Policy! Why pray when do you find Englishmen consulting of Politics, till it be upon the matter too late, or some great trouble or misfortune threaten them? But besides, if they should enter upon such Consults, perhaps it's now too late: for D. de P. hath so much gained the ascenda●r, that if he please, there's but few things can miss his party. Governor. That's in the North only: but take my word for't, the Whiglanders are too numerous and stubborn, to be swayed by his interest, which runs so counter to their being. Monsieur. However, his interest in the North joined to that which is here, and the Irish joined to both those, will do the Trick still, if well managed. Governor. Why I hope you don't intent all this during the King's Life? Monsieur. Yes but I do though, if my Master should have occasion to invade England, as he had to take in Strasburg: But if not, D. de P. does the thing himself of course, if he survive. And as for your Observation just now, that my Master hath two Millions of Hugonots in the heart of his Country, I object against that as not true: for above the half of'em are run away into other Countries to shun the Persecution, as they term it. And as for those which remain behind, my Master is taking care they shall do him no hurt. But when I have said all this, and much more, how do you know but D. de P. has as great a number of Darklanthorn Roman Catholics here in the hearts of these Kingdoms? Governor. Truly all I can say, if it be so, is bad enough; for according to that account, whenever your Master pleases to invade us, the Whiglanders, and Torylanders too, may have their Throats very decently cut by their own Countrymen. But you were saying, more than half the Hugonots were ran away; and as for the rest, your Master intends to take care they shall do him no hurt: pray what does he intent to do with 'em? Monsieur. Burn 'em, cut their Throats by way of Massacre, as they call it; it's all for the good of the Catholic cause, man. Governor. Oh, Sir, 'tis a bad cause which must be served by inundations of Blood; and your Master must be a Devil incarnate, that can endure to wallow in the Blood of so many innocent Subjects. For my part, ● cannot understand any reasonable excuse that can be made for him; or why so many hundred thousands of Souls should be made a Sacrifice to his insatiate Tyranny. Monsieur. You'll never leave, Monsieur le Governor, till you spoil all; you are very much mistaken: 'tis sore against the will and Conscience of my Master, that such cruel Edicts should be published against the Hugonots, but— Governor. How? sore against his Conscience? that's still worse, why does he know it to be so, and yet persist? pray who p●ts him upon it then? Mons●eur. Why the Jesuits, to be revenged for the persecution which hath been here against the Roman Catholics. Governor. Say ye so? Blood! Revenge! by the Jesuits! and does their Religion teach 'em that? Monsieur. Now you come with your Quirks and Queries again; why you know it does, as well as I do; and that the thing which they call Religion, is a constitution Politic only of their own, which desires and delights in having the ascendant over, and influencing all the Kings and Princes in the world. Governor. Why our Saviour Christ taught no such Doctrine, and yet they pretend to be his Followers, and assume the Name of jesus; but do they influence your Master? Monsieur. Yes, and he moves now, and hath done so ever since the death of Mazarine, that is, only by the wheel of their Politics. They are, and have been a considerable time, persuading of my Master to quarrel with the Pope. Governor. What will they get by that? Monsieur. Why they have had a great itching at the Chair▪ ever▪ Ignatius Loyola's time; and because they cannot come to it regularly, they hope to prevail with my Master to set up a Patriarchate in his own Country, and to choose the Patriarch out of their Society; but he sees into the bottom of this design, and will take better measures than to give them the upper hand of him, as they will be sure to have, should he comply with 'em in that Affair. Governor. How? why is this the design? this clearly altars the Pope's Ecclesiastical Government, and sets up a new Model. These men's Politics will not only destroy both your Master and themselves, but all that have to do with 'em. For according to their Morals, no Prince in the world can ever be safe that corresponds with 'em. Monsieur. No, no, now you're as much out again the t'other ways▪ pray let us hold to our business. Governor. Then pray satisfy me in this point; if England should break the Leagne with your Master, and Ally with Holland, etc. Monsieur. I'll tell ye, we have a reserve for that; for if we find England that way inclined, we have those which will undertake upon forfeiture of their Heads, to throw a bone between them, and soon set them together by the ears. Governor. How, what that way too? that would be fine work indeed, and i'●● Conscience feasible enough! Monsieur. 'Tis very certain, 'twill be done if we find our League with England strained; and I'll engage they shall be continued so too, till my Master's work's done. Governor. How, will you engage for the continuance of a War? how can that be? Monsieur. Why there's a certain Bannocklander, who is said to have engaged himself in the most sacred ties imaginable to serve my Master; and we are well assured of his care about Officers, and State-Ministers, so that in a short time,— Governor. In a short time, the Turk and your Master will subdue the whole world, and divide it between 'emselves. Monsieur. No, no, that's your mistake again. Governor. How then? Monsieur. Why my Master will have all or none: for though he may be constrained to use the Turk, yet you may be sure he'll give him Polyphemus' Law, devour him last, for he hates Competitors. Governor. But allowing a War between England and Holland, a●d all your Master's designs to take effect upon that, so as to give him the Conquest upon both, pray what must D. de P. be? Monsieur. My Master's Viceroy. Governor. Where? Monsieur. Here in these Kingdoms.— Governor. And is that all he makes this bustle for? for my part I cannot understand his politics, for methinks it should be much better to be King, though of a limited Monarchy, then to be Viceroy to a King Absolute & Arbitrary. Monsieur. That's true, but D. de P. has so overacted his part, that he cannot arrive at neither, without my Master's help. Governor. So that now it seems he must be contented with what your Master will give him. Monsieur. Give him! no no, 'tis supposed to be his own choice, as having declared, He would rather become a Viceroy to a Foreign power, though the greatest Tyrant on Earth, than truckle to such who ought to be his Slaves and Vassals. Governor. My thinks, 'tis impossible he should speak such words. Monsieur. 'Tis so reported, by those that pretend to know much. Governor. Then I have been doing fine things indeed, who have ●ct●d as for my own life to advance his Interest, which as you say, now proves to be your Masters. Monsieur. Ay, but 'tis now too late to be sorry for that. Governor. Is it so? well then over boots over shoes; I'll rather choose to die honourably, than live basely. Monsieur. Why that's well resolved; 'tis Meritorious, and you die in the Service of the Church. Governor. Then 'tis a bargain, but you told me I should have an account of your Masters principal friend. Monsieur. You shall know those in due time; I have better considered of that, and therefore desire to be excused till our next Meeting. Adieu Monsieur le Governor, Adieu. FINIS.