A Witty Combat: OR, THE FEMALE VICTOR. A Tragicomedy. As it was Acted by Persons of Quality in Whitsunweek with great applause. Written by T. P. Gent. LONDON, Printed for Tho. Roberts, and are to be sold at the Royal-Exchange, Fleetstreet, and Westminster-Hall, 1663. ACTORS NAMES. Old Mr. Carleton. Mr. G. Carleton his Eldest Son. Mr. J. Carleton his youngest Son in love with the German Princess. Mr. King. his Son in Law. A Parson. Two or three Gentlemen. Two or three Young Clerks. Two Watermen. Drawers. A Cellarman. Fiddlers. Mrs. King. Madam Moders. Old Mrs. Carleton. Cook Maid. Constable, and Officers. A WITTY COMBAT: OR, The Female Victor. Actus primus, Scaena prima. Enter two Watermen, as in an Alehouse at Billingsgate, and a Boy with a full Pot of Ale. 1 Waterm. THou shouldst have brought half a dozen Boy, this will not wet, one Pot of Ale is no more in our Bellies, than a man in Paul's. 2 Waterm. That's right: I prithee fetch a couple more, for what we do, we must do quickly, and not make a day's work on't. Boy. I swear I can hardly spare another Pot, the House swarms with several Companies, that we have scarce Pots enough to serve their turns; but drink as fast as you will, I'll fill as fast, I'll warrant you. 1 Waterm. Away, away, a man may bawl his heart out before thou wilt hear him: bring us another Pot, and by that time this will be ready for thee to fill. Boy. Well I'll try my Skill. Exit Boy. 1 Waterm. Come, here's half this to thee, fear it not, 'twill warm us within man. 2 Waterm. I know it, and will pledge thee and it were a whole one. 1 Waterm. Passing good Ale, it goes down merrily. 2 Waterm. I believe there's no Bones in't: I have heard of Cock-Ale, Lambeth-Ale, China-Ale, Rosemary-Ale, Mint-Ale, Wormewood-Ale, Orange-Ale, Lemon-Ale. And I know not how many sorts more that are the gentlemen's drink as they call 'em; All is but Ale still, made of Water that runs by Billingsgate. And for my part, when all is done give me the plain wholesome Ale of England without welt or guard as they say, or a deal of mixtures; but of all drinks I hate that of Coffee, it dries men's Brains and makes 'em write Hudibrasses a plaguy hard Word, and jangles like the breech of a Drum. Enter Boy. Boy. Here Gentlemen I am provided for you. 1 Waterm. Gentlemen! you Knave! we may be drunk as Lords if we fit by't, but soft and fair, two words to a bargain, the Fiddler played no such matter. 2 Waterm. No, no, we are for a touch and begone, here fill us this to, and make haste; Presto. within why Boy. Boy. With a high pass and a repass I am gone, can I be here and there to, I'm coming. Exit. Boy running. 1 Waterm. Have at thee again. drinks. 2 Waterm. Do thy worst Boy, come, to thee again, the Parish is but short Man. drinks. 1 Waterm. 'Twill be welcome when it comes, off with it and it were a mile to the bottom. 2 Waterm. See, I am a clean Drinker; Super naculum: boy, I hate to spill good liquour, and throw away the bottom, a man may want it before he dies. 1 Waterm. ay, so the Parson told us this morning in the Boat, we had a jolly Company of Passengers, but what she should be that is gone with the Parson my Noddle cannot imagine. 2 Waterm. A notable perilous witty Wench I warrant her, let her alone for leading her men. 1 Waterm. She'll lead the Parson besides his Text I'm afraid; how she handled him? 2 Waterm. Nay, marry he would have handled Her, by your leave friend. 1 Waterm. You say very right, but she was too cunning for him, She was Courted by better Men in the Boat, but she was too hard for them all, I wonder the Parson should carry Her away. 2 Waterm. Who would think that such a Yea and Nay man should carry so much wickedness in his Hide. 1 Waterm. Oh hang 'em, there's no Whoremaster, like the sly Whoremaster: the zealous old Scot Doctrined Whoremaster of the Tribe of Henderson. 2 Waterm. What was he? what was he? 1 Waterm. What, what was he? why he was the Pope of Scotland. 2 Waterm. Of Rome thou mean'st Man? 1 Waterm. I say of Scotland, I know what I say well enough, and Marshal and Calamy were two of his Cardinals. 2 waterm. Lord who would think it, Enter Boy with more Ale. but thou wilt talk any thing in thy Ale. 1 Waterm. Under the Rose I may, Oh art thou there Boy, thou art he that does the liquour bring, though not the Bottle. Boy. I promise you I made what haste I could, but our house is so pestered. I'm coming— did you ever within why Boy. hear the like? but d'ye hear me? 2 Waterm. Who told you we did not? Boy. Well, will you hear me then, there is a Gentleman inquires for you without. 1 Waterm. What is he for a Man? Boy. I tell you he seems a Gentleman. 1 Waterm. Though he be not what he seems, 'tis all one to us; if he has any Money he shall be welcome, and so let him in. Boy. Well, I shall tell him what you say. within Boy, boy. I come, and I come again Sir. Exit. 1 Water. Now should I laugh if it were some good fellow come to pay our reckoning. 2 Waterm. No, no, They are Fish too hard to catch; how ere drink about man. 1 Waterm. That's quickly done, here's towards thee. 2 Waterm. Tother Pot, and away.— Enter Gentleman and Boy. Gent. Where are the Watermen. Boy. They are there Sir. Gent. How now honest Lads, closeat it, you seldom sleep I think. 1 Waterm. Yes troth Master we were just thinking upon it, I think an't please you, you came up with this Tide in our Boat. Gent. I did so. 1 Waterm. We had a Company of merry Passengers, not to lie; truly, and worthy Ones, or else I am very much mistaken Gent. You had so, but one especially. 2 Waterm. If I do not know where he be now ne'er trust me. Gent. Why I am here. 2 Waterm. I know that too, but I know where you would be. Gent. That's a hard matter my friend. 2 Waterm. Do you not mean a Gentlewoman. Gent. There were many. 2 Waterm. But I do mean the Gentlewoman, she that sat next the Parson. Gent. Now you hit me. 2 Waterm. And would not you be with her now, with all your heart and a piece of your Liver? Gent. I cannot tell, but I must give thee half a dozen of Beer for thy conceits sake. 1 Waterm. Ale is the life of a Waterman Sir. Gent. Why then Ale let it be. Boy. You shall have it with all selerity Sir. Exit. 2 Waterm. Will your Worship or Honour, or I don't know what, be pleased to sit down and take part of our Cup. Gent. I came to that purpose. 2 Waterm. Blessing on your heart, I do not love a proud Gentleman, methinks a right Gentleman should not be proud by your favour Sir, here's even to you, and to all our Company how ever dispersed now on Shore. Gent. I'll pledge you, but my honest friends cannot you tell me what is become of that pretty thing. 1 Waterm. Pretty thing quoth a, she was worth ten pretty things; she was a thing to thank God for. Gent. You say well. Enter Boy with Ale. Boy. Here's your quickening Ale Gentlemen. Gent. Set it down, and begone. Boy. I come, I come presently. Exit Boy. Gent. My friends here's to you both. 1 Waterm. One at once Sir, and we are for you. Gent. Is there no way to find her out? 2 Waterm. Way quoth a, it is a shame for you all, so many Gentlemen aboard her, and let a dry boned Parson carry her away! Gent. Pox on't, I lost her in a mist; I know not how she whipped away. 2 Waterm. You know not whether? Gent. Very true, but I hope thou dost? 2 Waterm. We know nothing Sir, the Streets are wide and many. Gent. Let this for once corrupt thy knowledge, she cannot be far off? Gives him money. 2 Waterm. If I thought so.— Gent. She must be some where? 2 Waterm. That's certain if she be any where Sir, as doubtless she is, and now I think on't. Gent. I prithee then think on't. 1 Waterm. London is a wide place Brother, have a care what you do. Gent. I prithee hold thy prating, I'll content thee too. 1 Waterm. I say no more, but Brother have a care. 2 Waterm. And now I think on't. Gent. ay, go on. 2 Waterm. London is a wide place indeed, and a Man may as soon find a Needle in a Bottle of Hay, as a woman-stranger in this City, yet I would advise you. Gent. To what? 2 Waterm. To have her Cried in every Parish. Gent. Pish, I see thou art but a baffling fellow; give me my money again. 2 Waterm. Yes, when can you tell? did you ever know a Waterman guilty of that fault, to part with money when he had got it in his clutches. I am sorry I cannot serve you, and there's all, the time was you might have served yourself. Gent. Thou sayst right, how cursedly was I mistaken! much good may do you with your money. 1 Waterm. 'Twill serve to pay the reckoning, Sir I wish you may find her. Gent. Since you cannot inform me, my hopes, and search is ended, fare you well. Exit. Watermen. We'll drink a health to your good fortunes Sir. Watermen. So, 'tis an ill wind blows no body good, Boy take your reckoning, and now we'll Enter Boy. take a good smart Nap, and then to the work again. Boy. All's paid in the Rose, and you are Welshmen Gentlemen. 1 Waterm. Thou art a wag Sirrah. Exeunt. Actus primus, Scaena Secunda. Enter Parson, and Madam Moders. Pars. In verity it is a cold bleak morning, a little of the Creature would do well: a Glass of Malligo is very comfortable, yea, even unto the Spirits, with a Toast; it does regenerate, and quicken much, and in a way does elevate, and stir the blood to action; it does assuredly. Mod. I apprehend not that, (Sir) but I fear you give yourself too great a trouble, thus to follow me, I cannot reach your meaning. Pars. Verily 'tis sincerity of love I bear to strangers, as we are exhorted even so to do by the most learned Authors; Yea, we are all but strangers here, and therefore assuredly we should love one another, yea, so the Word is, even as one another. And see, Oh see, indeed law, look ye yonder, there is a door open to Comers surely, which we have not till now found in our way; I hope my courtesy, your Gentleness, will not refuse, yea truly I hope not. Mod. I must house some where: fain I would be rid of this impertinent Coxcomb, yet methinks I'm chained unto him as some fate hung o'er me, he may prove fortinate.— Pars. How say you beauteous Creature? Mod. In truth I say Sir you do so abound in Courtesy, I shall fall short in my endeavours to requite it. Pars. 'Tis an easy, yea, even a very easy matter surely will do't if you so please,— where is the Man o'th' house here? Enter Mr. King King. What is your will? Pars. Nay, is it your will, that we may have a special Glass of Malligo. Mr. King. The best in all the Town I warrant you. Where are you there? Enter Drawer. Pars. We are but newly come off the Water in verity: and something that's warm is not a miss truly; how say you Sir? with this fair Creatures good leave, I think it is not assuredly. Mr. King, Show a Room presently d'ye hear, and draw a Pint of the best Malligo, that's next— d'ye hear, do you see, do you understand me. Exit Mr. King. Draw: I shall Sir— will you please to walk into a Room. Pars. Yea verily, how say you forsooth? Mod. I am at your disposal Sir. Pars. In verity I wish you were else, for ah— He rubs his Elbow. ah— pray give me leave to take you by the hand forsooth ah— ah— 'tis as soft as Velvet. Exeunt. And enter again at the other end of the Stage, where there is a Table and Stools set forth. Pars. A very pretty close convenient Room this is assuredly; how say you beauteous Creature. Mod. Why truly Sir the closeness of it does not at all concern me; if it were ten times wider I should like it a great deal better. Enter Drawer with Wine. Pars. Assuredly I think not so; yea, I can give you many reasons for it, Divine, and Moral, Hyperbolical, or Tropological,— but here's the creature come, that's the wine, now this should have a fellow, that is a Toast, where is the other Creature? Draw. Even at the fire Sir, To receive its Trial. Mod. The fellow jeers him. Pars. You answered well young man, yea verily; but let it not be burnt. Draw. It shall not be a Martyr; he will turn first assuredly Exit. Mod. Why this is excellent. Pars. A good ingenious young man verily, I warrant him well notioned, that's to say in truth one that has something in him, yea certainly, but as I was about to say; to draw my reasons to a head, that is to tell you what they are, assuredly; and first.— Enter Drawer. with the Toast. Mod. The Toast is ready Sir. Pars. You assure me right. Draw. Yea, and it has got a new Coat by turning. Exit. Mod. Ha, ha, ha, Pars. Assuredly your mirth is comfort to me, what might occasion it, I pray if that— Mod. A Toy came in my head. Pars. Your Sex have many: but in so sweet a thing as you, they do appear (methinks) commendable, yea verily. Mod. In that opinion you deceive yourself, me you cannot Sir. Pars. Not for Worlds on worlds! and yet the Wether may allow us to come nearer one another, verily, without offence, or misconstruction; for it is raw and cold, yea very cold. offers to remove. Mod. The Room is warm, good Sir keep your seat. Pars. Strangers I love, and strangers should love me, in verity they should lafoy; else we do deny the sense, bids us love one another; yea, verily we do, I'll try how warm draws his Chair near Her. you are, and truly by a sweet conjunction we may warm one another, yea assuredly. Mod. Sir I understand you not. Pars. I hope you will, an understanding Woman is a Jewel, yea, yea, a precious Jewel in the Ears, and hearts of Princes and wise men assuredly, in sundry places we do find it so, yea verily; ah, ah, ah, ah, this hand yea this same hand of yours. Mod. And what of it Sir? Pars. It melts like Butter 'gainst the Sun believe me, I would come nearer verily, that is unto your Lip, Enter Drawer. in verity it would afford me sweetness in abundance, truly assuredly it would, I pray, I pray.— Mod. I am a stranger to your sense and Person: keep farther off Sir, or indeed I shall,— Pars. Yea, yea, Draw. Nay, nay, are you so rampant; ' Parson, I thought I knew your meaning Aside. by your Gaping; are you so hot? I'll send a cooler to you. Exit. Pars. Ha— ha— ha— ha— ha.— Mod. What's your meaning Sir? Pars. The Spirit boil within me, ye Enter Mr. King. assuredly, and if it be not looked to, certainly the liquour will run over, yea in truth, la. Mod. You are th'uncivil'st man that e'er I met with, and undeserving of the Coat and Title you do assume; hands off.— Mr. King. A civil Gentlewoman I warrant her. Mod. You rude fellow you. Pars. Yea, as the Wise man said, a Woman's Tongue is Wormwood, yea verily Gaul and bitterness. Mr. King. A man of your Coat d'ye see to do these things d'ye see, it is a shame d'ye see, d'ye mark me, that. Pars. Assuredly I will pay for the Malligo and the Toast, yea ay will. Mod. I scorn your courtesy Sir. Pars In verity I will. Mr. King. Let him Mistress d'ye see, he has sworn d'ye see. Pars. Assuredly I will, what is it pray? Mr. King. But twelvepence do you see. Pars. twelvepence is just a Shilling verily, and there it is assuredly; fair one, I greet you well; but will conclude with the wise Man, he that takes a Woman for his friend takes a wrong Sow by the Ear; yea verily. Exit Parson. Mr. King. I do perceive d'ye see you are a stranger. Mod. A very stranger to this Town indeed Sir. Mr. King. And 'tis very likely d'ye see you have a charge about ye. Mod. I have so Sir. Mr. King. If you please d'ye see to make use of part of my House, d'ye see you need go no farther, here you may be safe d'ye see, I see you are a civil Gentlewoman, and 'tis pity d'ye see you should happen into a place that would abuse you, there are some such in Town; d'ye see that will prey upon strangers d'ye see, but you shall find no such thing here believe me. Mod. I do Sir, and kindly do embrace your proffer. Mr. King. You shall want nothing in my house d'ye see, if you please to see your Chamber? Mod. Sir you oblige me much for this civility. Exeunt. Actus Secundus, Scaena Prima. Enter Mr. King and his Wife. Mr. King. SWeet Heart, I have a secret to impart to thee, and a very precious one, d'ye see, it may be worth us pounds wench, nay, if I said hundreds I should not lie, d'ye hear me? provided we order our matters well, and carry 'em in the right way, d'ye see. And therefore I must conjure thee by all loves and nuptial kindnesses that has or may pass between us at Bed or at Board, d'ye see.— Wife, What is all this for? Mr. King, For it is no petty ordinary common thing d'ye see, but a thing of profit d'ye see, and credit d'ye see, and honour may come on't d'ye see. Wife, What is it? what is it? Mr. King, If a man cannot reveal a thing to his own Flesh and blood, d'ye see, who shall he do it to then d'ye see? Wife, I pray Sweetheart let me know your meaning? Mr. King, womens' hearts are like Cullenders, d'ye see, or Loopholes, d'ye see, but if a man cannot trust his own wife, his second self! d'ye see, I know not what to say d'ye see. Wife, Good Sweetheart let me understand you, do you doubt me Sweetheart? Mr. King, I doubt no body d'ye see, but a secret is a secret, d'ye see, and aught to be kept safe, tender as the Apple of ones eye, d'ye see, or the heart in ones bosom, d'ye see. Wife, Lord, lord, how I long to know it. Mr. King, Yes you may long d'ye see, and shorten again, d'ye see, but who pays for't d'ye see. Wife, Nay, I prithee Sweetheart. Mr. King, This it is d'ye see, to have a careful Husband d'ye see, that riseth early and sits up late, d'ye see, while you she things, you lazy drones, you heavy eyed wives d'ye see, run to your roost ere it chymes ten, d'ye see me, there snug and snore till ten next morning, d'ye see; out upon such huswives I cry. Wife, ay, but Sweetheart, what needs all this? good, now let me know this secret, this secret you talk of. Mr. King, He that goes to bed with a Cap of cares on his head is an early riser, d'ye see, he takes time by the 'fore lock, d'ye see, and must thrive d'ye see, as it is seen in Cynder women, and Small-coal men d'ye see, who have a penny in Purse to spend when the sluggish man does want it d'ye see. Wife, You weary me, good Sweetheart to the purpose. Mr. King, It is a secret d'ye see, that you must keep as close d'ye see, as you do your sins, d'ye see, and reveal it to no body d'ye see, without my privity d'ye see. wife, You have charmed me chuck, pray let me know it. Mr. King, Why then, d'ye see?— wife, You know I do, dear heart you know I do, if you love me do not trifle thus, Mr. King, Why then I must tell you and exhort you, d'ye see, not to lie so long a bed, you may get Fleas d'ye see, but no wealth there; a stirring Wife is the only woman d'ye see, when all is done, d'ye think my Brother Bloodworth would ever have come to be an Alderman or a Knight if his wife d'ye see had not had a care of the Kitchen, and been stirring? wife, Well, well, I'll begone Sweetheart, I see you have a mind to mock me; prepare me for a secret to no purpose. Mr. King, Yes, it shall be to a purpose d'ye see, and a good purpose too d'ye see, this very morning ere the Crow had pissed d'ye see, I got into my Bar d'ye hear, and as good fortune would have it d'ye see, in comes a Parson and as sweet a thing d'ye see, as modest and as comely as ever strod o'er Threshold d'ye see, with him d'ye see, they drank a pint of Wine, and I found the Parson was ill inclined d'ye see; and his Coat lined with lechery d'ye see. wife, I pray Chuck by the way, where does that Parson preach? Mr. King, That's not to my matter d'ye see, I found her to be a virtuous Gentlewoman d'ye see, a stranger, and a Person that had a charge about her d'ye see, yea Jewels and Treasure d'ye see. wife, And what then Chuck? Mr. King, Why, then I discharged the Parson d'ye see, after he had discharged the Reckoning d'ye see, as it was fit, but not before d'ye see. wife, So then, and what became of the Gentlewoman? Mr. King, Why she had a charge about her d'ye see, and you may think I would take care of her d'ye see, she is forth coming. wife, Where, good Husband where? Mr. King, In no worser place than our own house d'ye see. wife, Now blessing on thee Chuck I shall have a Companion. Mr. King, Hold there child, d'ye see, we must go wisely to work d'ye see, and find out what she is d'ye see, for certainly she is a Gentlewoman of some quality, and therefore you must use her with all respect becoming her Person d'ye see; and when we find how matters stand let us alone to make our Markets d'ye see, if we don't hang me d'ye see. wife, Sweetheart, believe me if there be any confidence to be put in Woman, your secret is locked here in this Cabinet of which none keeps a key but yourself; and if you think I retain any thing of a mother's wit in me let me alone to sift her out; were she as subtle as the great Grandmother of us all. Mr. King, Be wise d'ye see, keep things close d'ye see, and then I warrant ye d'ye see. Exeunt. Actus Secundus, Scaena Secunda. Enter Madam Moders, and the Maid of the House. Maid, My Mistress will wait upon you immediately forsooth, and I am sent in the mean time to know what you want. Mod. I return my equal thanks to your Master and Mistress, and tell them if they can spare me a Glass She opens a little Cabinet & spread some Jewels and money upon the Table. bigger than this I travail with, to dress me by, they will do me a kindness, and d'ye hear sweart a little Paper too, prithee, and I will pay for it. Maid, And Pen, and Ink forsooth? Mod. No, I never am without one 'tis so necessary. Maid, Do you want nothing else, forsooth. Mod. Not at present, Maid, I'll return withal speed forsooth. Mod. Do so. Exit Maid. Madam Moders alone. Mod. These People are highly officious, I have not met the like civility in any place, what ere the reason is; if it continue thus, it will be wonderful: I am a Stranger, and I must be so in my Deportment, as the sight of these draws on respect, pointing to her Jewels. so a becoming distance in me is necessary; to be too familiar renders a woman light, though she be honest, and to be sour and surly is as bad, and argues want of breeding, to avoid the censure of either, I'll walk between both, and as I find my Company, appear neither too Jocand, nor yet too severe. Enter Maid. Maid, I have brought the Glass, and the Paper forsooth. Mod. You have done very well, set 'em down, I thank you. Maid, My Mistress is just upon coming; forsooth. Mod. She gives herself too great a trouble then, but she shall be most welcome. Maid, I'll tell her so forsooth, God bless you forsooth. Mod. I thank thee Wench, giveth her money. thy prayer deserves something, and thou shalt have it.— Madam, Oh lack-a-day forsooth, no, no forsooth, but if it must be so forsooth I humbly thank you. Mod. Farewell, this must be done; A grain Exit Wench. or two cast on a fruitful Soil may multiply. The Wench looks not like one would be ungrateful, and I have gained experience by my Travail, that 'tis a thrift thus to be prodigal. Enter Mrs. King. This should be the Gentlewoman of the house, I should meet her now— but stay a little.— Mrs. King, I fear I intrude forsooth; you are busy. Mod. I cry you mercy Mistress, some Letters I am fitting for the Post, but no great business; to let my friends know where I do reside, that I may hear from them, that's all. Mistress, And that's enough for me. a side Mod. Will you please to seat yourself? Mrs. King, I came indeed to invite you down to Dinner, goodness how these hangings look for want of brushing, what an idle Wench is this, the Curtains and Vallance too, and the Chairs and Stools too, what Windows are here, I dare say they have not been well rubbed this week; the very Flore forsooth if you will believe me have shined so, you might have seen your face in't, goodness my Husband is such a man to put a Gentlewoman into a Room,— Oh fie upon't, I fear forsooth you are but ill pleased as you are ill fitted, but indeed I promise it shall be amended. Mod. It needs not Mistress, methinks 'tis very well, and so long as I am contented, you need not trouble yourself. Mrs. King, That is your goodness forsooth, but will you be pleased to walk down to Dinner, or will you have a Dish of Meat brought up? Mod. No, Mistress I dare not take that State upon me as to dine by myself, if I dine at all 'twill be with you, but truly I do not know how— Mrs. King, If your Letters be all the hindrance, you have time enough to dispatch them forsooth. Mod. But I am all unready. Mrs. King, You need not fear Strangers, my Husband and myself are all. Mod. Say you so Landlady, than I dare venture. Mrs. King, Will you please to lead the way forsooth. Mod. No, I hope you will leave me in Possession of my Chamber. Mrs. King. Oh because of shutting of the door, 'tis very right, Lord how forgetful I am, pray pardon me forsooth. Exeunt. Actus Secundus, Scaena Tertia. Enter Young Carleton and the Cellerman. Y. Carlet. Where's my Sister? Cellerm. Who do you mean, my Mistress. Yo. Carlet. Prithee fool whom else? Cellerm. Why then my Mistress your Sister is.— Yo. Carlet. What art thou drunk, where is she? Cellerm. Drunk, what is that word drunk? did you ever know me drunk? let Cobblers and Tinkers be drunk, did you ever know a Cellerman drunk? Yo. Carlet. Leave this fooling, where's my Sister? Cellerm. drunk! drunk! how can he tell any thing that is drunk? yes I know where your Sister is. Yo. Carlet. Come where is she. Cellerm. You may go look, drunk! if I did know I would not tell you; drunk! Yo. Carlet. Go you are a Sot.— Cellerm. A Sot! you Scrivener's Boy, you Pen and Ink-horn, a Sot you Shittafritter. Yo. Carlet. Sirrah I shall box ye if you be thus saucy. Cellerm. Box me, you cocaloach, you Tinderbox of a Clerk, you Rump of a Lawyer, you box me, come, boy come, come an thou dar'st Enter Drawer. here I stand. Yo. Carlet. Very hardly, art not thou a base Rascal to abuse me thus I could kick thee about like a Football thou dirty fellew thou. Cellerm. Who he offers to kick and falls down. me, kick me! Boy, boy, I'll kick thee boy, thou spindle thou. Draw. Why how now, what's the matter? what down man? up again and take another. helps him up. Cellerm. Drunk, and sot, and a Football to be kicked very fare, come kick for kick, I'll so toss thee. Yo. Carlet. welfare a good friend, you had given yourself the other toss else. Draw. Come prithee get thee in. Cellerm. He says I am drunk. Draw. Why so thou art insufferably, cursedly drunk. Cellar. Thou liest in sober sadness, cursedly, to say so, though thou wert my brother ten times over. Draw. No more of this; go, go thy ways to sleep. Cellerm. Sleep, Pox of sleep, I care not for sleep, I did not sleep ten winks all last night, I never sleep, am up early and late for my Master's profit, yes Carleton, I am Carleton, what say you to that now Carleton, hah! Draw. Prithee go thy ways up Stares, or into some by Room I prithee brother do. Cellerm. Yes, I shall but d'ye hear Carleton, if ever I meet you Carleton.— Draw. Thou'lt give him a Glass of Wine. Cellerm. What then? it may be so I will, and the best Wine in the Cellar too; Carleton without being drunk Carleton, what say you to that Carleton, or a Sot, Carleton, or a Football Carleton, how think you of that Carleton? D. Very well, prithee begone. Cellar. I will not tell I've ta'en him by the hand. Draw. Why that's well done. Cellerm. Why you must think I cannot but love the man for the Woman's sake, I do so Mr. Carleton, she is my Mistress Mr. Carleton, weeps. and you are her Brother Mr. Carleton, Flesh and Blood Mr. Carleton, is very near Mr. Carleton. Draw. Now his kindness overflows: will thou go in? Cellerm. I will have a pint of Canary first to drink to Mr. Carleton, I pray fetch it Brother I'll pay for it, honest Mr. Carleton, my mistress's Brother, but I am not drunk Mr. Carleton, nor a Sot Mr. Carleton, nor a Football Mr. Carleton, I may be a fool Mr. Carleton, but I love you Mr. Carleton. Yo. Carlet. Thou art an honest fellow. Cellerm. Yes, and ever was Mr. Carleton, yet I will creep on all four to do you good Mr. Carleton, and yet I am not drunk Mr. Carleton. Draw. Thou art not, thou art not. Cellerm. It may be I am so, so, as they say in a fair way, but drunk I hate to be drunk. Draw. Wilt thou go into a Room. Cellerm. I will not stir a foot, nor a leg, nor a finger, nor a thumb, unless Mr. Carleton commands me, and says honest Rogue I love thee. Yo. Carlet. Why honest Rogue I love thee. Cellerm. Why so now; is not this better than to say you are drunk, a sot, and I'll kick you like a Football:— why now you are a Gentleman; and if you will go down into the Cellar I will not waste your Brother's Goods but what you drink there I'll pay for, a man can say no more. Draw. Another time Brother, another time. Cellerm. Why what's that to thee, thou wilt be meddling with other men's matters. Draw. No more quarrelling good brother: prithee go in. Cellerm. Do you say I shall go in Mr. Carleton, if you say the Word I am gone. Yo. Carlet. ay, honest Rogue prithee begone. Cellerm. Why then I fly. Stumbles. Draw. Hold there man. Cellerm. A pox of these Tobacco Pipes, they lie in a man's way basely: d'ye hear brother, if company come in you know where to find me. Exit Cellerman. Draw. Fast a sleep in the Cellar. Yo. Carlet. 'Tis a very honest fellow, did not this drink abuse him. Draw. 'Tis wondered where he gets it; in Company he shuns it, unless the sent of the Cellar makes him drunk, no man can guests it, or drinks with his own shadow. Yo. Carlet. Alas poor fellow; but where is my Sister? Draw. At dinner Sir, or near upon't, with a most dainty Creature, a sweet modest thing. Draw. What is she? Draw. A mere stranger happened in here by chance; she is worth your seeing Sir. Yo. Carlet. sayst thou so; I confess I'm something bashful, but I'll venture. Draw. I would I durst. Exeunt. Actus Tertius. Scaena Prima. Enter Young Carleton and Mistress King. Mrs. King. Good lack John that you should be so simple to come so late, you know we dine betims, especially when we have little Company; but if thou'lt take a snip such as it is, thou knowest thou art welcome John. Yo. Carlet. Pough, I care not for a dinner; I am vexed I missed the sight o'th' Lady. Mrs. King. What Lady? John? Yo. Carlet. You think that I know nothing; what Lady was it that came in this morning early, very early. Mrs. King. Why John as I am a Woman.— Yo. Carlet. You know there was a Gentlewoman or Lady, stranger, came hither this morning as I said before; fie Sister why do you make it so strange to me your natural brother.— Mrs. King. Lord, how dost thou know this. Yo. Carlet. What do I not know? Mrs. King. Well now it is out; I ever took thee for a Conjurer by the scrawles thou used to make at home; nay in my conscience I think verily if thou wouldst confess John, thou mak'st Almanacs John, and fortune Books John; Oh thou were't always a wag John. Yo. Carlet. Away fool; But may not I see this stranger? Mrs. King. Well thou art a very Witch John, if I was not sworn to secrecy, yea by my own Husband let me be hanged now, and thou by thy craft, thy wicked craft, (for so it is) hast found out all; but John thou canst not see her now for all thy cunning. Yo. Carlet. Why so, Sister? Mrs. King. In troth she's despatching Letters to be sent by the Post John, but to morrow John. Yo. Carlet. What then Sister? Mrs. King. We shall feast our friends John, and cannot in civility do less than invite her John, being a sojourner in our house John, and then thou shalt have thy belly full of seeing of her john, but no words john; if thou lov'st me; she is a well bred Woman, I perceive that John, already John; but no words as you love me. Yo. Carlet. Not a word I. Mrs. King. Be sure you come betimes, and be very neat John, 'twill be for your credit, and you may find the benefit of it in time John. Yo. Carlet. Well, well, you know Sister I can be as spruce and finical as another when I please. Mrs. King. I know it John. Yo. Carlet. And so adieu Sister. Mrs. King. fare you well brother John. Exeunt severally. Actus Tertius, Scaena Secunda Enter madam Moders and the Maid of the House. Mod. Sweet heart shall I trouble thee. Maid. No trouble forsooth to serve you. Mod. Only to get a trusty messenger to deliver these Letters for me at the Post office, they are of concernment, and their miscarriage will much prejudice me; and therefore good sweet heart get one you know, and are assured of. Maid. I'll carry them myself forsooth with my mistress's leave. Mod. That would do well indeed, but I fear thy mistress cannot spare thee. Maid. Yes I warrant you forsooth. Mod. shall I not be too troublesome. Maid. Oh no forsooth. Mod. I would not give her occasion of distaste. Maid. You need not fear it forsooth, she is of a better disposition than so. Mod. Well sweet heart I'll trust to your care then, there's money for 'em. Maid. They shall be safe delivered forsooth. Exit. Mod. I find these people's over kindness mixed; With greyness of subtlety; their plausibility Gives only Credit to their busy purpose: My Landlady like to one Grandam Eve, Covets to know more than she ever shall; Yet I'll afford her to taste of the Apple, And since she'll needs trouble herself 'bout matters That unconcernes her, I have fitted her, My Letters which I know she'll intercept, And pry into, to satisfy her longing, (Though it be most inhospitable and base,) I've framed accordingly there let her nibble, Upon the bats I've laid and please herself, With thinking she knows all, when she knows nothing: Whilst I've seem still a stranger to her meaning, The more respects she shows me, I will be The more reserved which will draw greater on, With some continuance, poor shallow thing To hope to sift me out in my affairs, My Education has not been so slender, Nor my Wit left naked of Rudiments, To be a Price for thee and thy designs; All bold inquisitors ought thus to be Deluded with some show of certainty. Enter Maid of the House. Maid. The Letters are delivered forsooth. Mod. Art sure on't? Maid. Sure on't forsooth, I delivered 'em with my own hands I'm sure. Mod. sayst thou so, thou hast made haste then I'll promise thee. Maid. Have you any more service to command me forsooth? Mod. Not to night wench. Maid. Shall I not help to undress you forsooth? Mod. I was not dressed to day, and having nothing on but what I can cast off without thy help wench, I acquit thy diligence. Maid. Good rest to your Ladyship. Exit. Mod. Ladyship! so, now it begins to work, Will it rest there! no, their conceits fly higher; A foreign Princess, that for love of some Brave Englishman, has left her Native Soil, And privately is here Arrived, or so; But that's too lame, I'd rather have it thus; A Noble Person that to view the World With an experienced eye, throws off her State, And like to the late active Sweedish Queen, Retires into a Hut without her Retinue. This meets my fancy and comes nearest to Their Wit (if they have any) here's a Field For us to play in; as I see 'em move, I'll poise their admiration, and their love. Exit. Actus Tertius, Scaena Tertia. Enter Mr. King and his Wife. Mr. King. Good sweet heart d'ye see, I would not have you so busy d'ye see, sweet heart a body does not know what may come on't d'ye see sweet heart. Wife. Prithee chuck hold thy tongue she's a brave Woman, nay, she must be a gallant Woman, I know what I intent well enough, take you no care, the business is mine chuck. Mr. King. Nay, d'ye see, I will not cross you sweet heart d'ye see, I wish all may go well, but you know she is but a stranger d'ye see, and a body may be deceived d'ye see, of what you hope for d'ye see. Wife. Let the fault lie on me then chuck, look here's my brother John. Enter Yo. Carleton. Mr. King. Brother you are very heartily welcome d'ye see, indeed you are d'ye see, I can't dissemble d'ye see, in truth I cannot. Yo. Carlet. I know it, what needs all this brother? Wife. You are very early John, and very smug John. Yo. Carlet. I came just from the Barbers, but where's the Lady? Mr. King. What Lady? I know no Lady I protest d'ye see, but my own Wife your Sister d'ye see, who is the only Lady and Mistress of the house d'ye see. Wife. Oh fie chuck, fie, you know, you know. Mr. King. True, there is a strange Gentlewoman sojourns here d'ye see for some time, but I know no more on't d'ye see. Yo. Carlet. Why then a Gentlewoman let her be, so I can but see her. Mrs. King. I think thou longest fort John, harken and thou may'st hear her John, 'tis her sings above. voice I promise thee. You Carlet. 'Tis a sweet one,— hold good Sister hold, I love a good voice as I love my life. SONG. A way, away, flatter no more My easy Faith, for now I see What thou in me seemed to adore Thou mak'st thy pleasure's property; No more, no more will I believe The man that can so soon deceive; Yo. Carlet. Excellent, excellent,— Oh good She goes on. Sister listen a little. SONG. Nor was it flattery that did, Betray my heart, but that I loved, For which my Reason hath been chid, And I the said effects have proved; Then go, and I no more will see The man that has abused me. Yo. Carlet. Incomparable! the Voice of Nightengales are hoarse to hers: shall I see her Sister? Wife. Yes brother John you shall see her, but I must prepare her first, you will not know her else, she'll not be seen till Dinner time. Yo. Carlet. Would it were ready, I shall be starved till then. Mr. King. Rather than so d'ye see, we have a buy Bit for ye. Yo. Carlet. You do not understand me brother. Wife. No, no, John, heaken to me, she that I shall call Cousin when we are at Dinner is the Party; and by that word John you may know her, but let none else take notice of it. Yo. Carlet. If her person be answerable to her voice, she will be taken notice of, whether I will or no. Mr. King. He says right Wife d'ye see, the truth is I would not have my brother d'ye see, take any notice of her more than as a stranger. Wife. That is my meaning chuck. Mr. King. for she may be a person of Quality d'ye see, and she may not d'ye see, all is not Gold that glisters. Yo. Carlet. Good brother do not forstall the Market, when I know not how to carry myself you shall instruct me. Mr. King. Nay, brother I do not speak for your carriage d'ye see, but for your good d'ye see, I would not have you ensnared d'ye see. Wife. Ensnared Love! dost thou think that I, who am his natural born Sister, flesh, blood, and bone, would bring him into a snare love! Mr. King. No chuck, but thou may'st be mistaken in the thing itself d'ye see chuck. Yo. Carlet. I perceive my Brother is not minded I should see the Gentlewoman, fare you well Sister, I'll not be troublesome. Mr King. Good lord d'ye see, my own heart is not welcomer to my Bosom than you are to it d'ye see, but I speak by way of caution d'ye see, because I love you, Yo. Carlet. Certainly I'm neither fool nor madman, I have my Wits about me. Wife. I John that thou hast John to my knowledge, more wit than twenty of 'em, and I am no fool neither John, thou knowest it, and I know more John then I will speak; be ruled by me John, let me alone I'll order the business if thou hast a mind to her. Yo. Carlet. When I have seen her I will tell you more. Wife. And that thou shalt John for all his pettishness. Mr. King. Nay, I have done d'ye see, I'll meddle no more in't. Exeunt. Enter two Gentlemen, with a Drawer. 1 Gent. Are the Guess all come. Draw. Now you are come Gentlemen. 2 Gent. Are we the last Couple in Hell then. 1 Gent. I believe not; is Jack Carleton come? Draw· Yes Sir. 1 Gent. Nay then I fear we are tardy in point of time, for he used to be always the last man born. Draw. Today he came sooner then was expected indeed, but you are not too late, in very good time Gentlemen; will you please to walk up. 2 Gent. What else. Exeunt. The Scene of a Cellar is discovered, wherein sits the Cellerman, by him a little Table, with a lighted Candle on it, and several sorts of Pots about it. Cellerm. Here am I placed to attend the noise above Stairs; I fill and fill, all manner of Vessels from the Gallon to the Gill Pot, and they bawl and call, and take 'em away as fast, but the devil of drop they give me; none has the heart to say honest Wat here's to thee, and God-a mercy 'tis good Wine, hang their money, I respect their love, but thou art not beloved Wat, therefore love thyself Wat, the Poets say thou art Prince of the Spigot and art in thy Kingdom when thou art in the Cellar, if so then all these are my Subjects, the French, the Dutch, and the Spanish, nay I dare say if need be I can command the Welsh, the Irish, the scottish, and the English; then Wat do like a Prince make use of thy Subjects as they make use of thee, for they would be musty else.— within Wat, Wat, make haste. dost thou hear What thou art called upon, thou must make hast they say hum,— so be it, by, and by, this must be filled with Sherry, this with Canary brisk, this with old Malligo, but d'ye hear me Sherry, Canary points to the Pots. brisk, and old Malligo, there's none of you shall go till I have ta'en excise— here Wat, since no body else will, I'll drink to thee myself, 'tis a cup of pure Sherry, Wat, why gra-mercy— this is something now, here is good fellowship, and no body sees! they say thou hast a good palate Wat, fills his Vessel and cup. I'll try it in faith, here's to thee in a Cup of brisk Canary, off with it man, and so I will Wat, and now what sayst thou to a Cup of old Malligo Wat? it cannot but be good, the best in Town Wat I approve it, off with it man; doubtest thou me Wat? now are we Company for Poets Wat, but hold— wilt thou let thy French and Dutch Subjects go free Wat? No thou wilt be an unjust Prince then, as for the English, Welsh, Irish, and scottish, they are poor, acquit 'em, acquit 'em, then here's to thee in a Cup of Rhenish 'tis cleansing drink Wat; off with it, art thou now for a Cup of spruce Claret, or White Wat? both; thou shalt have 'em entire boy, entire boy; rich Wine Wat, huge rich Wine Wat, damnable searching Wat; yea falls into his Chair & sleeps it is so, it is so, it is so. Enter two Drawers. 1 Draw. Here he is with all his Artillery about him, dormant as a Mouse. 2 Draw. Does he not sleep Dogs sleep. 1 Draw. No you may hear him to Hogesden. 2 Draw. I'll waken him. 1 Draw. By no means, he sat up late last night, come help up They carry the Pots off and so The Scene is drawn. with these Pots. Enter Mrs. King, and Young Carrleton. Mrs. King. Now Dinner's done, while they are merry John let you and I consider of the matter; how do you like the Person, John? Yo. Carlet. Exceeding well; good at discourse, and of a modest countenance. Mrs. King. Why law ye now, did not I tell you this John? and you would not believe me, my Husband like a fool was of the same faith too. Yo. Carlet. Pough I did believe you Sister, but has she that estate you talk of too? Mrs. King. What do you doubt me there too john? yes she has an Estate and a glorious Estate john, but what it is I do not know john, yet I can shrewdly guests john and if need be.— Yo. Carlet. Is it in her own hands. Mrs. King. Why now I see thou art not so wise as I thought thee to be john, in whose hands should it be else john. Yo. Carlet. Where lies it. Mrs. King. Between Heaven and Earth john, does not all people's Estates lie there you fool. Yo. Carlet. I would not be made one of good Sister. Mrs. King. Nay, if you be there abouts john I have done. Yo. Carlet. I must confess I never saw a person I ever fancied better; Pray Heaven my flames consume me not, they take so soon, and are so fierce. Mrs. King. Fear not john, I am her bosom john, and if she were not for your turn, you should not have her john, but you must be ruled john. Yo. Carlet. In any thing dear Sister thou wilt have me. Mrs. King. Then put yourself john into an Equipage beyond yourself john, appear as I would have you like a Lord john, with your Coach and Footboys, the sooner john the better; were't to morrow, and treat her nobly john, were I a man, john I could do it to the life john, I know you want not friends to furnish you, let it be so john, for she is a Lady, & none but him is recommended for a Lord will carry her john. Yo. Carlet. It shall be done dear Sister; I know where to be provided both with money and clothes. Mrs. King. And then let me alone to manage things for thy advancement john. Yo. Carlet. ay, dear Sister prithee use thy Interest. Mrs. King. If we should not do well for one another john, how would the World look on us john? I love thee heartily john. Yo. Carlet. I know thou dost, and there is no love lost on either side. Mrs. King. I'll lordifie thee john, I'll be thy HERALD: thou shalt no more be plain john, nor poor john, nor honest jack as thy friends call thee; but my Lord john, I will have it in my thought, and will dream upon't, for man, I must not call you brother, nor you me Sister, observe that john, yet I would not have you to forget john, that I am your Sister. Yo. Carlet. Dost think I will? but come, our friends do stay. Mrs. King. Then my Lord john I pray lead on the way. Exeunt. Actus Quartus, Scaena prima. Enter Cellerman, Drawer, and Cookmaid. Cellerm. Yesterday was a hot day, a wicked hot day. Draw. No, 'twas a very cool day; how canst thou call it a hot day when thou wert in the Cellar all the while? Cellerm. Why goodman puppy the Cellar is the hottest place in the house. Draw. To thee sometimes it may be so. Cookm. I know not what it was to him or you, but to me I'm sure it was a very sultry hot day. Draw. ay, thou art a Wench that deals in fire, but he is for the other Element. Cellerm. You, lie you Loggerhead I hate Water. Draw: But thou art quarrelsome in thy Ale. Cellerm. I hate that too. Draw. Small Beer can never stir thee. Cellerm. I do not much affect that neither, it rots my Guts. Draw. Some secret liquour, some Nepenthe as the Poets call it, inspires thee now and then abominably: but I am taught to tell you Brother mine, and Sister Eke, that if you chance to see this day a Lord in shape as like Mr. john Carleton as Puss to Cat, you must not think it him. Cellerm. What him, what him? Draw. Even him, I spoke off Mr. john Carlet, yea though you know the Nose upon his face you must not think it him, but.— Cellerm. But what? Draw. A Lord. Cookm. A Lord, ha, ha, ha,. Cellerm. I shall laugh too, prithee what Lord. Draw. The Lord knows what, but hear me it is no laughing matter mums the word. Maid. May not one wink and laugh? Draw. yea wink you may but laugh ye may not. Cellerm. Where didst thou get this Tone thou wicked elder. Draw. Even of a Parson truly, yea verily it was, that brought the Lady to this place assuredly. Maid. Hold there is a Coach at door, no feasting I hope this day. Enter Yo. Carleton with two Footboys. Cellerm. 'Tis he. Draw. 'Tis not he. Maid. But I say 'tis he. Cellerm. And I am sure 'tis he. Yo. Carlet. What he? Omnes. My Lord. Yo. Carlet. You do well. there,— Gives them money. Maid. ne'er go now if he ben't Exits. a handsome Gentleman. Draw. And generous. Cellerm. 'Tis pity he is not a Lord indeed, now my trouble comes on. Maid. Or mine rather. Draw. No I dare assure you the day will not be so hot to either of you as yesterday was. Cellerm. Then I shall be plagued with night work. Draw. Why all times and seasons are alike to thee so thou dost drink and sleep. Cellerm. Hang ye Rascal I never was a drinker, a thorough drinker in my life. Draw. Not to speak of. Maid. Nay truly, Wat is as sober a man when he is not drunk, as any of us all. Draw. Ha, ha, ha, come, come, let's about our business. Exeunt. Enter Young Carleton, Mrs. King, Madam Moders, and two Footboys. Yo. Carlet. Boys. Boys. Nigh Lord? Yo. Carlet. Get you down Stairs, take a Room there. Boys. Yes my Lord. Yo. Carlet. And when I call be ready. Boys. We shall my Lord. Mrs. Keng. And one of you bid one of my men bring up some Wine, shall it be so my Lord? yo. Carlet. I come not to be idle, 'twas well thought on. Mrs. King. These boys are as bad as young Coach-horses, they Exeunt Boys. take up so much time in teaching it wearies one. Mrs. King. You may remedy it as they say my Lord, and have those that are prepared to your hand my Lord. Yo. Carlet. I may so indeed, but many of them have practised sawcyness and become surly. Enter Drawer with Wine. Oh art thou come; where are my Footboys? Draw. Below, my Lord. Mod. Do I dream? a Lord aside. since yesterday! Yo. Carlet. Fellow fill some Wine. Draw. Yes my Lord. Mod. Can this be real? aside. Yo. Carlet. Madam my hearty service to you. Mod. You do too much eclipse you title in't Sir. Yo. Carlet. Not a whit Madam, Honour's bound to serve a person of your virtue and your Presence: will you be pleased to take the air to day, my Coach is ready. Mod. Were I disposed, I could cammand one Sir. Yo. Carlet. So you may mine Madam. Mod. Not I Sir. Mrs. King. Why will not your Ladyship accept his proffer? Mod. You put strange Titles upon people Mistress. The Lord and Lady went over the Green. Yo. Carlet. A smart wit; would you would honour me so much Madam. Mod. As how Sir? Yo. Carlet. As to walk with me over the green. Mod. No my Lord, I should be wet shod then, April's dew is deep. Yo. Carlet. And therefore sweet. Mod. Your Lordship makes that up a vulgar Error. Yo. Carlet. Well Sister.— Mrs. King. Art mad or aside. foolish. Yo. Carlet. Both; I am not right. Mod. I do believe so. Mrs. King. His Lordship is not well. Mod. Alack good Gentleman. Yo. Carlet. I beg your pardon; I am forced to leave you. Mod. No force Sir, in good time. Yo. Carlet. She would be rid of me. Mrs. King. How do you my Lord. Mod. His Lordship would to Coach. Yo. Carlet. Again. Mrs. King. Will your Lordship have any Comfortable thing? Yo. Carlet. No I'll to Coach, the Lady has directed me. Mod. In the right way I hope Sir. Yo. Carlet. Again? I will not stay, call my Boy's fellow. Draw. Why Children,— I forgot myself,— Boys,— I'll send 'em up an't please your Lordship. Yo. Carlet. No, tell 'em I'm a going, and 'tis enough. Draw. I shall my lord Exit. Yo. Carlet. Madam give me leave to kiss your hand,— your servant, your servant Mistress. Exit. Mod. His Lordship will be hard put to't, to serve us both. Mrs. King. Me he cannot, you he may Madam. Mod. Good Cousin, or Landlady, the last is the truest, be not so prodigal of your favours in confering Titles of Honour at this rate. Mrs. King. Why d'ye think I do not know you to be a Lady Madam. Mod. I should be so were I a Madam really; but you are free in the bestowing it as I suppose upon any person, because the word is common, and therefore Landlady I do abhor it. Mrs. King. Indeed you missed my meaning Madam, I ne'er apply Titles to any person but such as I know deserves 'em, as on yourself, my Lord, or so. Mod. But is he, that was here, a Lord really descended. Mrs. King. A very Lord I do assure you Madam. Mod. Since yesterday translated! for than he dined with us or my memory deceives me. Mrs. King. He did so, but then he was disguised. Mod. Not with drink I'm sure. Mrs. King. No, but in his freikes as they call 'em, and he has many, some times he will go in the Street as he went for a wager, with his color all unbuttoned, swetting like a Bull, his Cloak hanging behind him, in one hand his Gloves, the other full of Papers, that one would take him for all the World to be some young Clerk, or one that had Relation to the Law. At another time when he has a mind to be privately merry he throws his Cloak over his Nose, and in he steals, and is as good Company!— Mod. For a mad Lord. Mrs. King. Nay he is not mad, in truth he has some whymseys but they are huge becoming I'll assure you Madam, if you were acquainted with 'em; then he has been bravely bred Madam. Mod. So a Lord should be. Mrs. King. He's a good Latiness they say, and writes a very good Hand. Mod. Those are very good commendations for a Clerk indeed. Mrs. King. Or for a Lord or a Gentleman or any body else believe me Madam; and then he's as sober, as virtuous, and as handsome a young Lord though I say't as any is within a hundred miles of his head, and of as sweet a disposition. Mod. Methinks you dwell too long upon his praises. Mrs. King. If you were but well acquainted with him Madam.— Mod. I must to my Chamber. Mrs. King. And I'll wait on you Madam. Exeunt. Enter Drawer, and a Footboy with a Box of sweet Meats. Draw. How now, did these come from your Lord. Boy. Yes to the Lady. Draw. Where did thy Lord pick thee up? Boy. What's that to you Jackanapes I'll tell your Mistress Sirrah. Draw. Why how now little impudence will you be lugged by the Ears Sirrah, does your Lord teach you no better manners you Arss-worme? Boy. I cannot tell— I must speak with your Mistress. Enter Mrs. King. Mrs. King. Who's there? Boy. My Lord presents his love to you forsooth, and desires you would present his service with this Box of sweet Meats to the Lady! Mrs. King. Thou shalt see it delivered thyself, Boy come in with me. Boy. Your man is so unlucky he will not let me alone. Mrs. King. fie, fie, meddle with a Child. Exeunt. Draw. There's a young Pimp now, he'll be a stewed Rogue in time if his Lord's Trade continues. Exit. Enter Madam Moders, Mrs. King, and the Footboy. Boy. He bid me tell your Ladyship he'll wait upon you in the afternoon, and have you abroad. Mod. Will he, but 'tis a question whether I shall give myself that leisure or not. Mrs. King. By all means good madam. Mod. How ever boy prithee present my service and thanks to him, giveth him money. there's something for thy pains. Boy. Your humble servant madam. Exit. Mod. D'you observe Landlady, the word madam is so out of fashion 'tis a Footboys Compliment. Mrs. King. What shall I call you then? Princess. Mod. Away, away, I abandon flattery as I do Titles that are misapplyed. Mrs. King. Why directly your Presence and excellent parts cannot speak you less,— but saving my tale forsooth, odds so I cry your Ladyship's mercy. Mod. Nay let it go on so. Mrs. King. Why then an't please you how d'ye like my Lord? is he not as I told you a sweet conditioned Gentleman? Mod. He begins well. Mrs. King. And so He'll continue to the end I warrant ye. Mod. That's more than you know Landlady. Mrs. King. My life on't. Mod. 'Tis a hard venture in my opinion Landlady. Exeunt. Enter Young Carleton, and Footboys. Yo. Carlet. Let the Coach wait, and stay you there. Boys. We shall my lord Exit Young Carleton. 1 Boy. Jack let thee and I crack a Pint together. 2 Boy. I have no money. 1 Boy. Hang't, I have, the Lady was generous to me this morning. 2 Boy. Would she had been so to me. 1 Boy. 'Tis all one between thee and I, let's call the Coachman in and see if he will join. 2 Boy. The more the merrier. Exeunt. Enter young Carleton, Madam Moders, and Mistress King. Young Carleton. Dear Madam. Moders. Good my Lord do not deceive yourself. Mistress King. My Lord an't please your honour, the word Madam grates her ears she says, because it is so common. Young Carleton. Why then my Princess, for so you are asserted in my thoughts, I will assure you most accomplished Lady. Mistress King. ay, this sounds well, how can you find in your heart to deny his Lordship? most accomplished Lady. Moders. My Lord, though young, I do perceive has been trained up in Compliments, they are indeed the Courtier's prayers. Young Carleton. Then they should prevail. Moders. With Fools, but not with such have understanding. Mistress King. Most accomplished Lady, even for my sake. Moders. How will my Credit stand that am a stranger, to be Coached out by one, and so soon too, upon so slender an account. Young Carleton. My heart shall stand betwixt you and all calumny; it shall return the filth into their face that spits at yours. Moders. You speak Nobly, my Lord. Young Carleton. My Actions shall second my words most singular Lady. Mistress King. Most accomplished, most singular aside Lady— well John thou deserv'st her. Moders. You do so powerfully importune me, my Lord, I have no fence left for myself, especially your honour being obliged to all Civilities. Young Carleton. Count me a Tartar, most horrid Villain if I infringe, or trespass in the least upon your virtue. Mistress King. Is it granted? most accomplished, most singular Lady. Moders. For your sake Landlady, you see I can deny nothing that's virtuous and civil, as you say my Lord is. Mistress King. As the innocent Babe, most accomplished, and most singular Lady. Young Carleton. Will you vouchsafe your hand most gracious Lady. Mistress King. Most gracious Lady, that's Yo. Carleton takes Moders by the hand. another. Young Carleton. To me this honour is received above rules of comparison unexpressible. Exeunt. Enter Old Mr. Carleton, and his Wife, and Mr. George Carleton their Eldest Son. Old Mr. Carlet. George you are privy to your brother's secrets, how does he find the Lady's pulse to beat? has he hopes of her. Mr George Carlet. Doubtless Sir he has. Old Mr. Carlet. He bussels strangely dost think her worth his charge and toil? Mr. George Carlet. If he were not assured of that (as I believe he is) he would not certainly pursue with so much eagerness his suit, that's my belief Sir. Mrs. Carlet. So it is mine, George thy brother is no fool. Mr. George Carlet. That the Town knows, and if he should miscarry 'twould be strange, I know not what the power of love may do. Old Mr. Carlet. Dost think she is the person that he speaks her? Mr. George Carlet. Seriously Sir her breeding and her habit does denote her a person of no small repute and quality, they say she speaks the Languages. Old Mr. Carlet. Believe me that's rare in a Woman. Mr. George Carlet. I'm in a manner a stranger to her person, (for she is very shy, and takes state on her) but so I've heard Sir. Old Mr. Carlet. Perhaps by some that do not understand her. Mr. George Carlet. I know not that Sir. Old Mr. Carlet. Gibberish you know startles the ignorant Old Mrs Carlet. Let her be what she will I'll see her. Old Mr. Carlet. I prithee do, and what then? Old mrs. Carlet. Marry I'll know what she is and from whence she came. Old mr. Carlet. Do so, 'twill appear well in thee, I'll not be seen in't. Old mrs. Carlet. And know what she has too I'll warrant you before my Son shall Bed her. m. George. My Sister King and my Brother (as I am informed) can saaisfie you in that point forsooth. Old mrs. Carlet. And so they shall, I'll thither presently. Exeunt. Enter Madam Moders, mr. King and mrs. King. Mod. Good now, be not so importunate, I'll not see 'em. Mr. King. Why how comes this d'ye see, I thought that all had been right and sure d'ye see. mrs. King. What has he done that has displeased you most accomplished, most singular and most gracious Lady? Mod. I'll not be blown upon by every person he brings with him, become the Town talk, have my Credit stale, and buzzed i'th' ears of every idle fellow. m, King. Indeed lafoy if you will believe me, most accomplished, most singular and most gracious Lady as his Lordship calls you; there is no body with him but his Lady mother and a Banquet of Sweetmeats. Mod. My Lord (though in himself a nobler person) had never been admitted to my present but for your mighty importunities; I love to be retired, not to be shown like to a piece of Dutch-work, newly brought over to all sorts of people; pray let my Lord know where his error lies. m. King. And reason good d'ye see. mrs. King. If we durst be so bold chuck, but his Lady mother waits most accomplished, most singular and most gracious Lady. Mod. I cry you mercy and excuse me to her. m. King and his Wife go off and bring Young Carleton and his mother in, the sense of his gross error did transport me. Yo. Carlet. This is my mother and your servant Lady. Mod. Your Lordship has obliged my service to her, your faithful servant Lady. Salute. Yo. Carlet. Will you vouchsafe to grace this A Banquet is set out. homely present with your acceptance Lady? Mod. My Lord you know I am no Chaplain, nor needs there a preludiam to a Banquet. Yo. Carlet. My meaning is most precicious Lady you'd add a sweetness to the meats by tasting them. Mod. Coming from you my Lord composed of sweetness they need no more addition. mrs. Carlet. Words are but wind, you seem to be a Gentlewoman, pray what are you? Mod. More than I seem. Mrs. Carlet. Where were you born? Mod. At Billingsgate. Yo. Carlet. Oh, dear Lady. Mod. Why, should I tell her I was born at Rome what's she the nearer. mrs. Carlet. Have you an estate, Mod. I hope I have. mrs. Carlet. Where lies it pray. Mod. Where you shall never find it Lady,— why thus inquisitive. Mrs. Carlet. Have you the Languages, as they say you have? Mod. Let your Son try me. Yo. Carlet. Oh most precious Lady I am a stranger to the most of them. Mod. So am I to your Mother's scrutiny, I could give't a worse Title, but hereafter if you intent to stock up precious time, pray spare your Visits, for they will be fruitless. Yo. Carlet. Oh mother your too indulgence has undone Exit. me, I'm lost for ever, all my hopes are shipwrecked. Mrs. Carlet. Why so Child? Yo. Carlet. She has prohibited me the sight of her, which is as precious to me as my Being. Mrs. Carleton. 'Tis very strange, let her be ne'er so high in Birth and breeding, methinks she should not blame the Parents care, for that will be, and must be. Yo. Carlet. That's the point I must insist upon; and that no more obstruction may happen to my happiness, my Sister will inform my Father & yourself the state of her affairs, which may be mine. Mrs. Carlet. Do so and you shall find me Instrumental for thy advancement. Yo. Carlet. And dear Sister prithee use all thy wit and interest with her. Mrs. King. Do ye doubt it brother John, no Lord but when she's present. Exeunt. Enter two Drawers, and Cellerman to take away the Voiders. 1 Drawer. They have not carried away all I see. Cellerman. No, they have left the Voiders, and something more. 2 Drawer. What do you do here, get you to your Garrison the Cellar. Cellerman. Prithee prate not, this is my Garrison or any other place where I am safe, They scramble for— nay if you fall to scrambling I am for you. 2 Drawer. These will spoil thy drinking. Cellerman. My drinking Jack Sprat, I could box thee sirrah. 1 Drawer. No, I dare say you wrong him, he's no drinker. Cellerm. Who I? never in my life thou know'st it. 1 Drawer. The very stem o'th' Cellar now and then besots thee, Brother does it not? Cellerm. That may be, for the Wine fumes and flies into a man's head most plaguely— but now stand off— let me speak the sense of the Poet to the Auditory. I'm not the Person that I seemed to be, Although a Cellerman, I am not he. Exeunt. Actus Quintus, Scaena Prima. Enter Madam Moders alone. Moders. GLory depends on Conquest, I have brought (After so many Trials of my Wit,) My amorous Lord, and his averse Allies Upon their knees to supplicate my love; This very minute I expect his Lordship To hurry me into the Arms of Hymen. For that's their drift I know, let their pretence Be what it will; and I'll embrace it. Enter young Carleton. Young Carleton. My dearest Lady are you ready. Moders. You see I am, but for what end my Lord. Young Carleton. To hear the Music. Moders. I have reason to love it my Lord. Young Carleton. You are the Empress of it. Exeunt. Enter Mr. King and his Wife. Mr. King. Well they are gone d' ye see, and blessings follow both of 'em d' ye see. Mrs. King. ay, now you say so Chuck, but the time has been. Mr. King. What has the time been honey? you know d' ye see, 'twas my care at first d' ye see to preserve her here d'ye see. Mrs. King. I but you never meant her for my Brother John, and that my Father takes unkindly Chuck. Mr. King. Who not I sweet heart? I never meant any man else d'ye see, as I am here d'ye see, why you know I love my Brother John d'ye see, with all my heart d'ye see, I only did express my care of him, being but a young man d'ye see, and I knew not how things stood d'ye see, which it seems you knew better d'ye see. Mrs. King. Well chuck, what an honour will it be to my Father in his age to have a Prince, or Princess to his Grandchild. Mr. King. How's that sweet heart? Mrs. King. Nay, I say no more Windows have ears. Exeunt. Enter Young Carleton, his Brother George, Madam Moders, and several others attended upon by Drawers. 1 Gent. A Wedding and no Music. Draw. They are i'th' house Sir. Yo. Carlet. Prithee let's have'em; and now most gracious Lady as you have given spirit to my Clay, and made my soul to caper in its Cottage by this blessed Conjunction; know I'm still your servant. Mod. My Lord I think all Compliments ridiculous after this Ceremony. Enter Music. George Carlet. Come here's a good divertion, what Songs have you? Fidler. A hundred and fifty, two hundred if need be, I furnish all the Fairs and markets with 'em; I keep a Poet in pay on purpose Gentlemen, which is no shall charge to me you must think, 'tis true the Poet is a pretty wit, but what's wit or good lines, nothing, unless well Humoured and well Sung, I sing 'em all myself, though the lines be never so bade I make 'em twang, which sets off a Poet mainly you know. George Carleton. Pox take you for a puppy, leave praising yourself and let us hear a Song. Fidler. What Song will you have Gentlemen? Omnes. Any, any. Fidler. What say you to that of the love between a Kitchen Wench and a Chimney Swifter. Yo. Carlet. Sirrah d'ye know where you are. Fidler. I cry you mercy Sir, I'll fit you with a rare one. Sings. 2 Gent. Hold your howling and behanged, what a mouth he makes, how he grates the words and tears the sense? 1 Gent. He's good for nothing; canst thou tumble? Fidler. Tumble? I don't understand ye Sir. Yo. Carlet. Come, come, a Dance or two, and so good Night Mr. Fidler. George Carlet. 'Tis pity to They play, the company dance. keep thee too long from thy happiness. Yo. Carlet. There, are you pleased? Fidler. Very nobly, we thank your Honour. Exeunt Music. Yo. Carlet. Now Gentlemen I must crave your pardon, Lady your hand. Exeunt. Omnes. A good Night to you Both. Exeunt. Enter two or three Clerks. 1 Clerk. News, news, news, Boys. 2 Clerk. What News, what news? 1 Clerk. Wonderful, strange and true news, newly Printed and newly come forth. 3 Clerk. Of the downfall of Grantham Steeple; the miraculous discovery of old Braziel by a Ship-Carpenter at Namptwich, or the horrid murder of Tom Thumb, some such paltry stuff. 1 Clerk. You are wide of the matter: Mr. John Carleton is married. 2 Clerk. Prithee to whom? 1 Clerk. To no less than a Princess, a German Princess believe me. 3 Clerk. Why then it must be no more Mr. John Carleton, but my Lord John Carleton. 2 Clerk. Pough, I don't believe it. 1 Clerk. Thou art an incredulous Coxcomb, I tell thee they keep their Court and State at Durham House i'th' Strand, there you may see his Lordship if you have a mind to't. 2 Clerk. If I thought he would not take too much State upon him, I'd put my Holiday Habit on, and take a day to visit him. 3 Clerk. Set thy time and we'll go with thee. 2 Clerk. Two days hence. 1 Clerk. Agreed, agreed. Exeunt. Enter Mr. King, and his Wife. Wife. What happy Instruments have we been Chuck in this business, they talk of giving hundreds of pounds to others, and I'm sure we deserve thousands. Mr. King. That's very rightly said d'ye see, but for my part d'ye see, I look not for a penny d'ye see. Wife. Introth Chuck if thou dost not, I do, there's the short and the long on't, my Father's gone to see if she will settle her Estate upon my Brother John. m. King. And a great deal of reason there is in't, d'ye see Sweetheart, for he has been at a vast charge d'ye see. Wife. Her Estate will make amends for all, and though he is a false Lord now, her Estate will make him currant; money will buy Honour at any time Chuck. m. King. I if, it hit right, but there are so many cheats abroad d'ye see. Wife. Why I hope thou wavering faithed man thou dost not think the Princess my Sister one? m. King. If she be such a person, and have such an Estate d'ye see, my Brother may bless the time he ever see us d'ye see, but if she be not the person and has no Estate, why then 'tis a mere cheat d'ye see, and we shall suffer in our credit cruelly d'ye see. Wife. Lord help thy simple head; I warrant thee man. Exeunt. Enter Old Carleton, and mr. John Carleton. Old Carlet. Unfortunate boy, thou art undone for ever. Yo. Carlet. Bless me, Sir, you do amaze me wonderfully. Old Carlet. After thy loss of time, thy vast expenses in riotous Banquet, perpetual Visits, what hast thou purchased? Yo. Carlet. A reward above my merit Sir; a virtuous Princess of high Endowments, and of ample fortunes, rich in herself, her parts speak her a Dowry, sufficient for a person of my quality had she no other Riches to adorn her. Old Carlet. A very Puss-cat, a subtle Carrion, and a cursed cheat. Yo. Carlet. With pardon, Sir, I partly do imagine the cause of this your sudden discomposure, you pressed her in my absence (like a Father) to settle her Estate on me, which she unwilling to consent to, hath raised this storm within your quiet Bosom. Old Carlet. An Estate, where lies it? at the Brick-hills, foolish boy; she is not worth a groat, but what thou hast out of thy prodigal affection given her, her Jewels are but counterfeit, and she a base imposture. Yo. Carlet. Good Father let not your passion so deceive your reason, she cannot be so Sir. Old Carlet. Boy, she's a Strumpet, a vagrant, a wandering Baggage that has two Husbands beside thyself; a paltry Shoemaker is one of them, this I'll make out. Yo. Carlet. You have thrown Daggers to my heart Sir. Old Carlet. Be not troubled Boy, I'll hamper her, I warrant thee, come along with me. Exeunt. Enter madam Moders alone. Mod. I do expect a storm, and suddenly, by my bad dreams; which tell me I must wade through mud and Water; signifying troubles dangerous ones: yet I shall pass them all, clear as a sheet that has been whitened by the whitsters hand. Enter Old Carleton, Young Carleton, Constable and others. Old Carlet. That's the Strumpet. Mod. Who do you handle, you unreverened Rascals? why Father, Husband, what do you mean? Old Carlet. To hang you Whore for having of two Husband's Mod. Is that all? Ha, ha, ha. Yo. Carlet. Sure she is innocent, her courage speaks her so. Old Carlet. Away with her Mr. Constable. Exeunt. Enter Mr. King and his Wife. Mrs. King. Oh Chuck, Chuck thou hast defiled our Nest, and thrown a speck upon our Family; the Princess is a Whore, a double Whore, she has two Husbands: has your early rising come to this? Mr. King Why honey 'tis true, I took her for a civil Gentlewoman, and so I entertained her d'ye see; now you took her for a Princess d'ye see, and there is the mistake d'ye see: alas I would not have done such a thing d'ye see for a thousand pound d'ye see; nay and more too as poor a man as I am d'ye see. mrs. King. I wish it from my heart thou hadst been sick a Bed chuck when thou didst what thou didst; but 'tis no matter, I hope to see her hanged. m. King. Why that will make amends for all d'ye see. Exeunt. Enter two Gentlemen as from the Sessions-house 1 Gent. I wished I had had your place Sir, you sat near the Bench. 2 Gent. Introth I was weary on't, I did not like the Scene. 1 Gent. How does the Princess carry herself I pray Sir? 2 Gent. I understand you not Sir, unless you mean a Princess that derives her Title from the powdering Tub. 1 Gent. Your pardon Sir, I mean the person now is at her Trial. 2 Gent. You may assure yourself she wanted not Confidence, I might say impudence. 1 Gent. They say her Husband is a hopeful Gentleman. 2 Gent. A sweet lad, my heart earns for him; a man well bred of a good Family, and in a handsome way, thus to be catched argues a weakness some where; a gross oversight; a piteous shallow conception. 1 Gent. How do you think 'twill go with him Sir. 2 Gent. Not with him Sir, 'twill rather go against him, the Evidence is A noise within. defective:— 1 Gent. Hark,— I dare say she's quit. 2 Gent. A hard fate has followed thee friend Carleton. 1 Gent. I pity the Gentleman though a stranger to me: this business was not managed well I fear, but there's away to bring't about again if she be the same person. 2 Gent. I believe Enter madam Moders & several others after her. so Sir,— bless my eye sight, here's the beast will none spit at her, how she stares & gloates like old Grimalkin, or mother Gurton's Cat i'th' Colehole. 1 Gent. Is that she Sir? 2 Gent. Yes 'tis she Sir, for want of a better. 1 Gent. Your servant Sir. 2 Gent. I'm yours Sir. Exeunt severally. Enter Moders alone, applying herself to the Auditory. Mod. I've passed one Trial; but it is my fear I shall receive a rigid sentence here; You think me a bold Cheat, put case 'twere so, Which of you are not? now you'd swear I know; But do not lest that you deserve to be Censured worse than you yet can censure me. The World's a Cheat, and we that move in it In our degrees do exercise our Wit: And better 'tis to get a glorious Name However got; then live by common Fame. FINIS.