THE Cornish Comedy, As it is ACTED AT THE THEATRE-ROYAL IN Dorset-Garden, BY His MAJESTY's Servants.  

Non fumum ex fulgore, sed ex fumo dare lucem.  
Cogitat,—   Hor. de Arte Poetica. 
LONDON: Printed for D. Brown at the Black Swan and Bible without Temple-Bar; and T. Bennet at the Half Moon in St. Paul's Churchyard; and K. Gately at the upper end of Ship yard without Temple-Bar MDCXCVI.   

TO CHRISTOPHER RICH Esq One of the Pattentees of His Majesty's Theatres.  
SIR,  
THIS Play, the Conception of a few loose hours, being committed by the Author to my Hand to Dispose in the World, I cannot Discharge the Adoption I have taken of it better, than by making a Present of it here. And truly, SIR, for a Worthy Patron, You stand my Noblest Choice. Even the proudest Greatness and Nobility are but Poorer Shrines to Offer at: For that Great Lord, and this Noble Lady, may Patronise a Play, and Cherish an Author: But You, SIR, in Your Higher Province, are the Support of Playing itself. And if the Diversion of the Stage makes so considerable a part of the Entertainment of the Age; without Flattery, I may tell You, That Yourself is one of the Greatest Founders of that Feast. For no Man has pushed Fairer, or ventured Franklier, to carry on the Muse's Cause, even in their Mourning Days, and most Declining Circumstances; and with that Unmurmuring Cheerfulness, that You never Repined at Your Profusest Favours in their Protection.  
As You stand thus Extraordinary Qualified for this Humble Address; so I avow to the World, That I intent, in this Offering, a Piece of Devotion above that of a Common Dedication. For I do not so much Dedicate the Play to You, as I do myself. You are so much the Gentleman (a Name that includes all Titles) in Your Candour and Goodness, and the Conduct of Your whole Administration amongst us, that nothing but the highest ingratitude can play the Infidel with You.  
'Tis true, You have Unhappily met with too many Barbarous Returns from Murmurers and Mutineers, whilst the Popular Outcry of Oppression, the too Common, though never so False, Pretence for Rebellion, has not been wanting, to too many Renegadoes to fall from You: But as the fairest Standard and the Best Cause will sometimes have Deserters; their Revolt is their Shame, not Yours. For Your True Worth, when throughly known, will be found to stand above the Reach of their false Calumny and Detraction.  
And against all such poor Apostasy, I here enter my public Protestation and Abhorrence; and here, like an Honest Subscription to a Loyal Association, declare myself,  
SIR, Your Ever Unshaken, and most truly Faithful Servant, GEORGE POWELL   

THE PREFACE.  
I Am not ignorant, that Critics (like London juries) are ap●… i●… give quite different Verdicts upon the same Faults aggravated 〈◊〉 the same Circumstances; and the same Thing shall be Condemned as an Inexcusable Fault in one, and Applauded as a Beauty in another. This Reflection made me at first unwilling to expose this Play to the public View; but when I considered how many Young Criminals have found Favour, for no other Reason, (that I could find) but that it was their first Fault, I resolved to let it stand its Trial, where I shall leave it to take its Fate according to its Deserts.  
This Play was written for my own private Diversion in the Country where the Scene is laid, and brought on the Stage for the Diversion of others: If it has had the good Fortune to please, I have my end; If not, yet I hope my good Natured Intention will be so far from being Imputed to me as a Fault, that it will Atone (at least) for someof the Errors I have committed.  
There is one Objection, made by Persons of that strange Antipathy to any thing that is Obscene, that the least tincture of it strangely Disorders them, that is laid to its Charge, which, after the Plays I have seen crowded and admired, did not a little surprise me; for I was so far from being Conscious to myself, of having entrenched on Decency more than ordinary, that my greatest fear was, that it would prove too Modest for this Age: But I hope this is only a piece of Female Hypocrisy, and that which is condemned in public will become Matter of private Diversion. But, Reader, I will stay thee no longer at the Door, go in, and see what the Nice Humour of this Age takes Offence at, and with me Congratulate the happy Change.   

PROLOGUE.  By Mr. Haines, in a Barrister's Gown. 

May it please this Honourable House,  
MY Cornish Client, whose Muse is to be tried,  
Begs, what I humbly conceive, can't be denied,  
That you'll admit me Counsel of his side.  
We Claim it by the Act; Pray hear our Reason,  
Nonsense is always in this Court held Treason.  
Therefore,  
I Move, That Silence in this Court be kept,  
Whilst we against the jury do except.  
First then,  
We Challenge Critics; They don't Act like Christians,  
They're Hittites, Gergashites, they're mere Physicians  
To us I'm sure, and still will so remain,  
Till Samson like our Locks are grown again:  
And next, All those who make a Trade of Writing,  
As Fencing-Masters are forbidden Fighting.  
We Challenge,  
All Quality-Fops, that Whisper Orange-Wenches:  
Why are such Locusts suffered on our Benches?  
They put off rotten Oranges to a Novice;  
Hussy's,  
If you'd Thrive, Set up an Insurance Office,  
In Cupid's Mansions, Lovers will desire,  
That all his Tenants be secured from Fire.  
We Challenge with Submission,  
All your News Whisperers, who with wise Grimaces,  
Carry the Fate of Kingdoms in their Faces;  
In Theory of Warfare so well known,  
That ere the Siege was laid, they'd ta'en the Town:  
Be all such Coffee judges banished hence,  
Let 'em to Garraway's, there beat the French.  
We Challenge Peremptorily,  
All Toping Rakes that Booz till break a day,  
Then Stagger to the Chocolate House, thence to the Play,  
To Break a poor Fellow's Head would have 'em pay;  
Thirsting for Fame, but Thirsting more for Drink,  
How can they judge that can't pretend to Think:  
My Client likes none of those for jurymen,  
No Soldier, nor no Courtier. With Submission, Who then?  
Since he scorns Wits, and all Poetic Rules,  
We move for a Jury of such the Wits call Fools.  
Rich Country-Puts, and Grave Substantial Cits,  
Who live on their own Estates, and not like Wits;  
Well-meaning Dunces by Predestination,  
That Laugh at all your frothy Wit o'th' Nation.  
Who when you Wits Swear Dam! 'Tis all Stuff;  
Will cry, No Faith, methinks 'tis well enough.  
These are the Men that we expect to Night,  
Should do both Vizor Mask and Poet right;  
Like Hudibras, profound in Analiticks,  
Such 〈◊〉 would save the Play, and Damn the Critic;  
W●… 〈◊〉 such a jury, our Poet will look as blank,  
As he were to receive his Third day from the Bank.    


The First Part of the Dialogue.  Sung by Mr. Bowen and Mrs. Cross, between the Second and Third Acts. The Words by Mr. Haynes, and Set by Mr. Clarke. Damon. 
IF Cloris please,  
Let Cloris Smile on any Swain,  
For I have got my Heart again,  
And am at Ease.  
My dear fair Cheat  
Can Love one hour,  
And Hate next minute;  
Love's no power,  
There's nothing in it  
But deceit.  
Yet how you've sworn,  
Your chaste desire,  
Like Vestal fire,  
Should ever burn:  
But now I find,  
She I Loved best,  
Is like the rest,  
Of fickle Womankind.  
This hour  
You've lost your power:  
Now your Smiles no Magic have,  
Now you may Frown,  
And I ne'er Swoon;  
Alas! Your Charms I brave.  
I've been betrayed,  
By a very pretty Maid,  
But am no more her Slave.  Cloris. 
Whilst Damon was to Cloris true,  
ere my false one Thirsis knew;  
Were we not then a happy Pair?  Da. 
We were.  Clo. 
We were.  Da. 
We were.  Clo. 
We were.  Chorus. 
We were then a happy Pair.  Clo. 
Peace of mind,  
So refined,  
Sure on earth was never known;  
ne'er desiring,  
Or admiring,  
Any Heaven but our own.  
Each moment I died with the thought of the Bliss,  
And you breathed a new Soul with each life-giving Kiss.  Da. 
When panting and fainting to Cloris I kneeled,  
How dear were her smiles, and how sweetly they killed?  
Then you blessed me.  
As you kissed me.  
But even then deceived me too.  Clo. 
As you used me, so I use you.  Da. 
Is't true?  Clo. 
'Tis true.  Da. 
Is't true?  Clo. 
'Tis true, 'tis too too true.  Da. 
Then Cloris adieu.  Clo. 
Then farewell you.  Da. 
Farewell.  Clo. 
Farewell, etc.  Clo. 
Adieu; farewell you; Adieu.  Exeunt severally.  

The Second Part of the Dialogue between the Third and Fourth Acts.  Enter Damon and Cloris meeting one the other. Damon. 
WELL, Cloris, How find you yourself sin●… you're free?  Cloris. 
My Heart leaps for joy.  Do. 
It's just so with me.  Clo. 
Since then from the cares of Love we are free;  Da. 
And the doubts and the torments of cursed jealousy.  Clo. 
How happy are we!  Da. 
How happy are we!  Chorus. 
Sure nothing can be, no nothing can be, no, no, no, nothing can be  
So pleasant, so pleasant, as our Liberty.  Both going off, Damon returns. Damon. 
But hold! e'er we part, What think you of this,  
The Love's we began, mayn't we end with one Kiss?  
What says angry Cloris?  Cloris. 
Why, Cloris says— Cloris says— Yes.  Salutes her during the Ritarnello. Da. (Kneeling). 
‛ Can I no way deserve to have one Salute more?  Clo. 
‛ No, Damon, no more, I cannot, I may not,  
‛ I dare not, bestow any more.  
(Aside.) ' For should I give one, I should never give o'er.  Da. 
‛ Oh, let me one Kiss, one soft Kiss more steal.  Clo. 
‛ No, not while you to my proud Rival kneel.  Da. 
‛ But say, if I my wandering heart,  
‛ For Love of you call home again,  
‛ Could you from your new Choice depart,  
‛ And turn to your repenting Swain.  Clo. 
‛ Were Cerydon brighter than the day,  
‛ Fairer than the Milky way,  
‛ Damon, the Coursest of the Swains, but True,  
‛ I'd quit him and all the World, for you,  
‛ I would Live with my Damon in a Desert alone,  
‛ And envy no Monarch the empty delights of his  
‛ Throne.  Chorus. 
Then let's haste,  
Love sweets to taste,  
Whilst God's above,  
Envying our Love,  
Desire to know,  
The more than Heavenly joys we taste below.  Clo. 
Let Love's Lambent fire,  
Inflame our desire.  Da. 
Then let Cupid's dart,  
Now wound your soft heart.  Clo. 
I do't e'er we part.  Da. 
Will you do it e'er we part?  Clo. 
Indeed now I will.  Da. 
Indeed!  Clo. 
Ay, indeed, now indeed, I'll do't e'er we part.  Chorus. 
We'll do't e'er we part, we'll do't e'er we part.    

Dramatis Personae.  
Men  By Gripe. A Merchant, Old, Testy, Lascivious and Miserable. Mr. Iohns●…. Peregrine. His Son, in Love with Eugenia. Mr. Mills. Trusty. A good natured old Gentleman Plotting for the good of his Nephew, to whom he was a Guardian and a tender Uncle. Mr. Simpson. Manley. His Nephew, Contracted to Clarinda. Mr. Harland. Swash. A true Country Squire that makes Recreations his business. Mr. Lee. Sharper. A broken Shopkeeper, his Follower, Treacherous and Hypocritical. Mr. powel. Busy. An ignorant Rhodomontade Captain of the Militia. Mr. Haynes. Freeman. A Gentleman of a loose Temper. Mr. Williams. Nic Froth. A Cheating Spunging Innkeeper. Mr. Penkethman. Shuffle, And Cunningham. Attorneys, Cheating and Mercenary. Mr. Bullock.  
A Parson, Four Bailiffs, Fowler, and other Attendants.  
womans  By Clarinda. The Daughter of Gripe, a Virtuous Lady. Mrs. Temple. Eugenia. A Virtuous Lady, Manley's Sister. Mrs. Andrews. Sue. Froth's Wife, Cunning, Imperious, and Impudent. Mrs. Lucas. Margaret. A Wench kept by Freeman. Mrs. Mills. Maid.  Mrs. Unwin.  
SCENE, CORNWALL.   

THE Cornish Comedy.  
ACT I. SCENE I.  Enter Gripe, Peregrine, and Clarinda. Cla. 
MArried, Sir, and to morrow say you?  Gri. 
And pray, Why not to morrow, as well as to morrow twelvemonth? What have young Maids to do but to obey their Father's commands? I will defer the matter no longer.  Per. 
Will you force Consent, Sir, and Inclination?  Gri. 
Consent, Sir, Cannot her Father tell what is fittest for her to consent to?— But Sons think it their greatest glory if they can contradict or teach their Fathers. The one is no wit unless the other be upbraided, and called Fool or Knave, at least by inference.  Per. 
Sir, I have done.  Gri. 
As I expected, the Father no sooner speaks, but the Son thinks his breath too good to be spent in such company.  Per. 
Would you permit me, Sir, I would declare my mind at large.  Gri. 
Under Articles,— since it must be so, proceed with your Predicables and Predicaments, and other Items in abundance.  Per. 
By Nature's dictate, each may choose his Mate,  
Man, Beast, and Bird,— and all that Generate;  
Each Male his Female, liberty is Bliss,  
And full contents a perfect Paradise.  Gri. 
Rhimes, never stir!— Rhimes! out of the School of Virtue, or some such precious Author; let the young Girls lose to temptation, they'll soon conceive the dictates of Nature. I tell you, Friend, I will maintain no Bastards.  Per. 
My Sister, Sir, I trust is Chaste and Virtuous.  Gri. 
So are all young Women until they are tempted— a Woman's Chastity is not from her virtuous will or inclination, but because she hath not the power or opportunity to be otherwise; give her her wing, fancy will work a pace, and the first Gay Modish Spark, with long Beau Peruke and gaudy Snuff-box, may manage her at pleasure.  Per. 
By Nature all things covet liberty, but you compare your Childrento the Beasts, and because some of each Sex are brutal, condemn the whole, as if there were none but a compelled Chastity: You make the Jewel Virtue, a privation; who e'er she grant a Wedlock, first causes a liking, than the noble passion Love, which once engrafted in the Soul, the Marriage proves for ever comfortable.  Gri. 
If it be once engrafted in the Soul, 'twill not be long ere it get into the Body; Under what circumstances is your Virtue then Boy? Let the most transported Lover have but one quarter of an hour with the charming Fair, the Passion is over, and the cracked Venice-Glass returns to its first owner; once more, I tell you, I will maintain no Bastards.  Per. 
Remark abroad, what you may dread at home; tell me of one forced Marriage that was not exemplarily miserable: The Persons are the Figures; the Portion, Jointure, and the Settlement, are Ciphers; if the first be good, the latter amplify, or of themselves are nothing. Oh! do not rashly tie the knot which you'll too late repent! When Bodies join without Affection, despair commences, and she will hate the Riches for the Owners sake; besides, you know her Promise made to Manley.  Gri. 
Promises,— never stir! hast thou lived to this age, and yet ignorant that Promises are no longer obliging than they serve the interest of him that made them? Were it an Oath, the dispensing power is in me, and she should break her Oath for Conscience sake.  Per. 
My Father takes Oaths like Apothecaries Pills, the less regarded, the better they settle in a squeazy stomach. [Aside.  Cla. 
For my dear Mother's sake grant me some respite. [Kneels and weeps.  Gri. 
Wouldst thou delay thy happiness?— thou must and shalt obey.  Enter Trusty. Tr. 
How now Miser? Still showing new unkindness to thy Children?  Gri. 
Now my daily Ague comes to shake me.  Tr. 
No thy ill Conscience flying in thy face, that never will let thee rest, thy rusty Soul hath infected thy Body with the Jaundice; thou sordid slave to Mammon without Wages!  Gri. 
Wouldst thou I spend by thy example, and be poor.  Tr. 
I'm much more rich than thou with all thy Gold, I have supplies which I and mine do use with full content and satisfaction; I give, I lend, I buy, pay every man his due without regret; I and my Family freely and proportionably share the blessings given us, live peaceably and hospitably, give liberablly to the poor; for which thou callest me Prodigal.  Gri. 
Better thou madest provision for thy Family, not frolic all away.  Tr. 
Thinkest thou I'll live my days in misery like thee, to die rich, unthanked, and unlamented: I would not for thy wealth share thy disquiets, 'tis he is poor, so anxious is, and careful, that hath not Soul to enjoy what himself possesseth. Clarinda weeps still, Miser! What is the meaning?  Gr. 
For joy to morrow that she shall be Married.  Cla. 
For Joy, wretched Clarinda.  Tr. 
To the discreet and most accomplished Squire Swash.  Gr. 
The same, Sir, I have lived so long in the world to know that a rich Fool is to be preferred before a wise Beggar; the Wit may give you starving mirth, but the rich man fills the Belly; mind that Mrs. Minx, better doctrine than your Brother preaches.  Tr. 
I met this famous Squire even now at yonder Alehouse-door drinking Brandy, and such an Equipage I feared at first, from whence they came a broken Shopkeeper, his sycophant and flatterer, the hired Engineer of his Masters more speedy destruction; a Huntsman with some twenty couple of Hounds; Six men with Cocks in bags; one with a Hawk on his fist, leading a pair of Spaniel Dogs in strings; a Fisher with Fishing-tackle; Fowler with Fowling-piece; the Squire winds the Horn, the Men Halloo, the Dog's Echo such a prodigious noise as they call Harmony.  Gr. 
He brings his whole Family with him to save charges at home. [Aside.  Cla. 
What an extravagant Character is here!  Gr. 
Sports incident to Youth,— he shall be Married, Madam, and then no danger of his taking up,— he comes. [Horn winds.  Enter Swash, in one hand an horn, in t'other a Pole; Sharper with an Hare and Pole in the other hand; Six men with Cocks in Bags; Fisher with fishing rods; Fowler with Fowiling Piece; Fawknor with Hawk on his fist, leading a pair of Spaniel Dogs in strings, all the Men with Poles in their hands, and all other things proper to their respective Games. Swa. 
Leave the Dogs without,— Venus is proud, tie her up till to morrow, jupiter and Tarquin must be secured, or they'll rove after the Coneys; Little Cupid too must be narrowly eyed, he'll be shifting in every corner, if the Kitchenwench spill any of her hot liquour upon him he may be spoiled for ever,— Sharper let it be your care to morrow when I am in Bed with my Mistress, that all living Creatures that belong to me be let loose together.  Gri. 
Squire, you are welcome, you continue your innocent diversions.  Swa. 
Ay, Sir, What's a Gentleman without his Recreations? With these we endeavour to pass away that time which otherwise would lie upon our hands, Hawks, Hounds, Setting Dogs, and Cocks with their appurtenances, are the true marks of a well-bred Country Gentleman; and because 'tis ridiculous to be without some, I have 'em all, and put 'em up with me wherever I go.  Gr. 
You do well, Sir.  Swa. 
I must desire good quarters for my Hounds, they have run hard to day.  Gr. 
You shall, I promise you.  Shar. 
Sir, you forget your Lady.  Swa. 
My Plough wrought hard, 'tis prudence to see my Beasts provided for before I regard myself.  Per. 
He cares more for his Hounds than thee, Clarinda. Aside to each other.  Cla. 
Would he would take no farther care of me.  Shar. 
Your Huntsmen hath taken care of them.  Swa. 
If so, then for the other Game. Is this to be my Spouse?  [Salutes. She turns. Cla. 
I know not what my Fates decree— phoh! how he stinks of Brandy and Tobacco! [Aside and Spits.  Swa. 
The Fates, Madam, are a parcel of old withered Witches, for us they shall spin Cables; thou shalt be my Diana, I thy Pan; thou shalt dance to my Pipe.— Sharper, the Hare, Madam, I present the fruits of this days labour to you. [Gives the Hare.  Gr. 
Genteel and Frugal,— some Prodigals would have bestowed a hundred Guineas in a Jewel. [Aside.  Swa. 
With my own hands I took her up before the Hounds, a while she beat her foil, and once we were at a shrewd fault; I backed it, I put forth, I rounded, I fresh found her, Halloo! (quoth I) thou art mine own Bird now, and thus I fairly killed my Hare.  Gr. 
Pray, Sir, What are these?  Swa. 
True Cocks of the Game,— Let me see the old Cutthroat.  [Cook Crows. Swa. Halloo. Shar. 
Sir, you neglect your Lady. [takes out a Cock.  Swa. 
I have kissed her, and now I'll show her my best Cock,— What can I do more before all this Company? Pray handle him, Madam, Is he not a sprightly Cock?  Cla. 
It may be so, I have no judgement.  Swa. 
In good time, Madam.  Gr. 
'tis a Chargeable Recreation.  Swa. 
That's your mistake, Sir, I make all my Recreations turn to advantage, I hunt my Hounds for a Treat, no matter whether I win or lose, it answers the end of drawing of Company; as soon as we are warm with liquour, I make a match of Cockfighting, and then a Hundred or Two hundred Pounds are soon won, for I never fight a Battle under; this Cock first and last hath won me a Thousand pound, pierced often through the Brain, thrice his Neck was broke, and once his Head quite cut off, and yet he got the Battle.  Gr. 
You are not always certain of success.  Swa. 
A secret I give my Cock when I throw him into the Pit, he does his work, while you say what's this; or if we come to put to, I never fear, for we carry a close heel.  Gr. 
Never stir, I admire when pleasures turn to account, 'tis very commendable; and for your better instruction in the affairs of the world, mind this infallible receipt, do no good, take no wrong, keep what you have, catch what you can, and pay no body.  Swa. 
But where is my Reputation.  Gr. 
A gloss, a varnish, a blind to amuse the unthinking world, a trap for Woodcocks, necessary sometimes to a declining state, or one turning Bankrupt, credit for a short time perhaps diverts that storm otherwise inevitably happening, and helps at last to buoy him on another's ruin.  Swa. 
As some Marry to stop a gap, (as we say).  Gr. 
True— but if men gallop up the hill; Fame is the rich man's shadow, and follows at your heels whether you will or no.  Swa. 
Indeed.  Gr. 
For instance, people discoursing of me, That miserable old Dog is worth thousands (say they).  Swa. 
So scurrilous!  Gr. 
I know it, and am proud of it, for under that creditable Character, my word will pass for more Money than the most accomplished Coxcomb, or man of Sense, that comes from Court or City, or from either of the Universities or Inns of Court,— but I judge you may be weary, and and Supper is almost ready, I'll lead the way.  Swa. 
I thank you, Sir,— Madam your hand; along Boys, Sesse, Sesse. [Exeunt.  Tr. 
Where is the Courtship all this while, Peregrine?  Per. 
Within after Supper, his Love always moults on an empty Stomach. [Exit.  [As Sharper is going, Trusty takes him by the Sleeve, Sharper starts. Shar. 
At whose Suit, pray?— He is no Creditor, I never saw his face before,— nor Bailiff by his clothes, though he hath a suspicious face. [Aside.  Tr. 
Mr. Sharper (for so I am told you are called) I am desirous of an intimate acquaintance with you; I admire Virtue and Honesty in every man.  Shar. 
Is the Man Drunk or Mad, I never had a dram of either, they lie not in our way. [Aside.  Tr. 
Pity it is such worth should lie buried in obscurity, we should improve our Talents to the utmost to relieve our needy Brethren in distress.  Shar. 
A Religious preface,— commonly mischief intended in the Treatise. [Aside.  Tr. 
My Bowels yearn to see such men in want,— pray, Sir, accept this Token of my Friendship. [Gives a Purse.  Shar. 
Ha! Gold, and Twenty pieces!— How may I deserve this! but 'tis mere folly for men in adversity to dispute these matters,— what ere be the event, I take the press money,— if Shipwrecked I have but this Hull to lose, and that is not very staunch,— Fortune can never make me much less than nothing. [Aside]. Sir, I thank you,— I suppose these golden rays have their attendance; What work must I do to merit all this?  Tr. 
The earnest of Two hundred more forth coming, if thou wilt be my Friend.  Shar. 
Two hundred more!— 'tis enough to retrieve my Shop and Credit, I find I was mistaken in the Gentleman, on second thoughts, methinks he hath a very honest promising Countenance. [Aside]. Your Commands, Sir, I thirst to be in action.  Tr. 
Wilt thou be secret?  Shar. 
As your own thoughts,— by this sacred purse I swear, we that take Bribes, take examples by our Betters, be true to our Customers for the sake of Trade, whatever it be, I'll do it as readily as ever Prisoner Perjured himself on the Ten pound Act; as greedily, and with as much zeal as ever Clergyman Ruined his Parishioner for a Tithe Pig or Goose.  Tr. 
Wilt thou Betray thy Master to me?  Shar. 
Is this Body mine? My whole shall be your security; come come, the method, le's about it.  Tr. 
Of that anon,— in, in, you'll lose your Supper.  Shar. 
This dear restorative will cure all hunger,— Oh, Gold! dear precious Gold! thou Liberty and Property, Religion and the Laws; thou every thing to a despairing Tradesman, welcome: Now by this precious Villainy, and its wages, I'll suddenly compound with my Creditors, go snips with 'em, and set up for Honest Tom. Sharper the Shopkeeper again, this may make me Mayor of a Corporation in a short time, and then I'll pay off the arrearages of my Debts (if any) out of the public stock.  Tr. 
He is overjoyed. [Aside.  Shar. 
If want of Money be the Quagmire of the Court, it is certainly the Jakes of the Country, which makes the poor Creatures so nauseous that they are spewed out of all Company; when I broke— my Neighbours could not endure me, and no name was bad enough; when I set up again, they'll flock about me with all the kind pretensions imaginable. Thy Golden days are coming, Tom,— blessed reformation! [Aside.  Tr. 
Mr. Sharper you forget your Supper.  Shar. 
I had almost forgot myself,— shall I attend you here, or where, Sir?  Tr. 
In the Garden, our discourse may be over-herad here.  Shar. 
Prudent forecast,— no wonder Men say, Wealth is the wisdom of a Nation, Gold plentifully got works by sympathy over all the body, and all the words are Oracles. In the Garden an hour hence, I will wait your commands, and if I do not prove as honest a Traitor as ever took cause in hand, let me be hanged, drawn, and quartered. [Exit.  Tr. 
How suddenly the needy wretch was caught! He swallowed the bait as soon as offered: Now by the strength of mighty expectation the ungrateful Creature sells the hand that feeds him; my Nephew Manley, to whom in his Minority I was a Guardian, lies under as 〈◊〉 a Contract with the fair Clarinda as (without the solemnity of Marriage) can be obliging, she may be a great Fortune, he hath a fair Estate, though not so great as that Fops within, that crammed Son of a— miserable Usurer, a working Tinner; with like success Gripe's Son Courts Manley's Sister▪ on one thread all depends, the part seems difficult, but I must wade through by seeming and clandestine means.  Enter Clarinda. 
Here poor Clarinda comes in Tears.— I'll try her Constancy— Clarinda, why disconsolate so near your Wedding day?  Cla. 
Name not that miserable Day, I much more willingly would court my Death; now help my Tutelar Angel; now, or never help! [Kneels, weeps.  Tr. 
Arise Clarinda, what wouldst have me do?  Cla. 
Beggar's must kneel, pity my Misery.— Must I be ravished from my dear, dear Manley's Arms. You, Sir, that know the Secrets of our Hearts, the Vows, the sacred Promises we made each other before your Face, and with your Approbation, can you be ignorant what I would have you do?  Tr. 
I pity Manley's fate. You have a richer Husband brought you, Madam. Manley, poor Creature, grieves at his own unworthiness; which takes you from him, wishing you all happiness, insists not on the Pre-engagement; concludes you act merely by compliance to your Father.  Cla. 
Nay, than he loves me not; true Affection cannot be limited by Interest or blind Obedience— False Manley! treacherous Manley! No, it cannot be, Manley— continueth just, but thinks me false; thinks all my kindness was a bare Pretence or Civility.— A time will come to prove my Constancy.— I'll to my Father instantly,— tell him I'll never marry Swash. Manley! for me thou languishest with patience; and shall Clarinda basely and unworthily neglect her plighted Promise to thee?— No, Manley, it never shall be said, Clarinda's false. [Exitura.  Tr. 
Clarinda stay,— one remedy is left; by your assistance I can break the Cloud hangs o'er our heads. [Return.  Cla. 
Speak on, dear Oracle! I will do any thing to serve my Love.  Tr. 
Give this your Father before he Sleeps. [Shows Paper of Powder.  Cla. 
Ha! will you poison him? and by mine Hand?— Give it me, if it need blood to bring it to perfection.— I offer a Virgin Sacrifice, but ne'er consent to my dear Father's Murder.  Tr. 
Clarinda, this was but a trial,— that Fop shall never wed thee. Fear not, I'll stand 'twixt thee and harm, my dear Clarinda.  Cla. 
Will you kill my Father, Sir?  Tr. 
No, I abhor such hellish Crimes.— I have the Plot so firmly here projected; within few days thou shalt be Manley's Bride, and with thy Father Gripe's consent.  Cla. 
This, though improbable, I would believe. May you succeed, my Courage now revives.  Tr. 
What remarks within?  Cla. 
With fears and troubles I was so perplexed, I scarce remember what was said or done.  Tr. 
How got you from the Squire?  Cla. 
Supper brought in, he quitted his hole, falls to ere any Grace was said, quarter's a Capon, throws it his Dogs; which he called Trey and Cater, crie●…, A wise Man first feeds his Beasts, which he repeats for a witty Saying. Having my liberty, I hastened to find you, which happily I did, this is what I can say.  Tr. 
And it is time, Clarinda, to adjourn, Sharper expects me in the Garden, be you as gay and easy as you can; prevent all cause of Jealousy; of what occurs give full intelligence with all conveniency.  Cla. 
I shall, with my utmost care and application.  Tr. 
And for the rest,  
Leave it to me, I'll play the Pilots part,  
And reach the Port, or perish in the Art. [Exeunt.   

ACT II. SCENE I.  

A SONG sung to Manley musing in his Chair. Sung by Mr. Leveredge. Set by Mr. Clark.  

I.  
WHEN Maids live to Thirty, yet never repented;  
When all Europe's at Peace, and all England contented;  
When no Gamester will swear, and no Bribery thrives,  
Young Wives love old Husbands, young Husbands old Wives;  
When Landlords love Taxes, and Soldiers love Peace,  
And Lawyers forget a rich Client to fleece.  
When an old Face shall please as well as a new;  
Wives, Husbands, and Lovers, will ever be true.   

II.  
When Bullies leave buffing, and Cowards their trembling,  
And Courtiers, and Women, and Priests their dissembling.  
When these shall do nothing against what they teach,  
Pluralities hate, and we mind what they preach;  
When V●…tners leave brewing to draw the Wine pure,  
And Quicks by their Medicines kill less than they cure.  
When an old Face shall please as well as a new,  
Wife's, Husbands, and Lovers will ever be true.    
Manley riseth, Enough,— This is no cure for my Malady,— What a miserable Wretch is Man!— Condemned to Passions, captivated by 'em— We are the Monarchs o'er all other Creatures, yet Anarchy predominates in us. The Senses in Confederacy raise Rebellion against reason; there now is a Civil War over all this Compound Tabernacle. Pride and Desire disturb the Harmony of Government, endeavouring to undermine the tottering Fabric, and to hurl all into Chaos and Confusion.— Such is my case, the Love of a Woman; mine she is by contract, and I am satisfied she bears me a reciprocal Affection. Shall I suffer her to be torn from me by that tawdry Bubble? I am in a Labyrinth— ha! Freeman come to tease me!  Enter Freeman. Free. 
Ned Manley! and alone! throw off this self entertaining humour, let's take a Bottle, and wash away Clarinda.  Man. 
Prithee be gone, I'm serious.  Enter Trusty. Free. 
Sir, I am glad you are come,— here is a rich pile of building shaken by a storm, and like to fall to ruin, wants a Supporter.  Tr. 
Clarinda has her cue, and by this time Sharper is at work,— now for my other Patient,— [Aside]— Nephew, How d'ye?  Man. 
As well as the Image of a man, a mere Statue, deprived of Sense and Reason, can be; like a Bird ensnared, the more I strive for liberty, the more I am entangled.  Tr. 
What means this passion? Are there no more Women?  Man. 
Would there were none at all!  Free. 
Nay, Manley, there I am utterly against you, though to have and to, hold till death us do part, etc. goes against the hair, yet for an hour or two they are very convenient things, and very good Company.  Tr. 
You like not Maraiage, Mr. Freeman.  Free. 
'Tis a Mortgage for Life, without Equity of Redemption.  Man. 
Thy wild discourse too much offends me now.  Free. 
Because thou hast not the Grace to harken to good edifying doctrine,— Woman's expelled by Woman; take another, you may have a great pennyworth, if these Wars hold, they'll speedily be the plentiest Commodity going, they lie every where upon their Father's hands; if any of 'em catch me in the noose of Matrimony, they shall assuredly pay for it; but I desy the Devils and all their works.  Tr. 
Yet Greece and Troy had Ten years' War about a Woman.  Free. 
That was a handsome Whore, Sir,— it seems in that Golden Age of simplicity such a dish was reserved for Kings and Princes only, now the times are altered, the world is more Civilised, and a good natured and honest fellow need not starve for want of a bit to stay his stomach.  Man. 
I can no longer listen to this Fop.  Tr. 
Nephew,— I should be glad if you could fix your thoughts upo●… some other Beauty.  Man. 
Impossible— the more I'm in danger of losing Clarinda, the more I Love her.  Tr. 
You know to morrow she must be another's, then of necessity your passion must divert.  Man. 
Despair commences, but true and virtuous Love till death I shall have for her.  Tr. 
Can any man but pity him? [Aside.  Man. 
How does Clarinda bear this sudden change?  Tr. 
Indeed but heavily, she laments sincerely.  Man. 
and I as heartily do pity her. Won't the great argument of Wealth convince her? Marriage is become a way of Purchase, or making Bargains; How many cautious Parents fondly persuade and force their Children to inconvenient and unwelcome Nuptials, that they may live miserably Rich,— Unfortunate Clarinda! I must pity thee.  Tr. 
With Tears and Sighs she mournfully cried, Must I be Ravished from my dear, dear Manley's Arms! no, I'm his till death, and ne'er will be another's.  Man. 
Did I not tell you I forgave that Promise.  Tr. 
I told her so; she told me, you Loved her not, but thought her False, then nobly Vowed she'd die to be believed.  Man. 
Uncle, you blow the Coals afresh, I'm more a fire than ever.  Tr. 
And can you Love Clarinda heartily?  Man. 
Is that become a question? You know till death I must.  Tr. 
Love on.  Man. 
How!  Tr. 
Love on, Clarinda shall be thine, maugre what Gripe, and Swash, and all can do. [Whispers.  Free. 
The old Gentleman, I know, hath too great a kindness for him to abuse him, yet to me this discourse seems as if it would make him fit for Bedlam; 'tis all a mystery.  Man. 
Sir, You tell me impossibilities.  Tr. 
It's a certain truth, I'll tell you more anon— Mr. Freeman you are Melancholy.  Free. 
Manley bear up! between an Old Man and a Young Woman, I reckon thou art in the high road of Madness.  Enter Boy. Boy. 
Captain Busy is without, desires admittance. [Exit Boy.  Man. 
Wait on him in,— he pretends Love to my Sister; prithee Tom help me to abuse him.  Tr. 
Give him free liberty, he'll do it himself sufficiently,— now for a Lecture of Discipline; provide for his coming, you'll be both Exercised.  See. 
He won't Beat us?  Tr. 
No, no, only teach you the Postures, he carries a book in his Pocket out of which he is always practising.  Free. 
Is he a good Soldier?  Tr. 
A Militia Officer, but a great Blunderer; no more, he comes.  Enter Captain Busy. Man. 
Noble Captain you are welcome.  Bus. 
Your Servant Mr. Manley— though late, I was resolved to call in my way home.  Man. 
No Compliments amongst Friends, good Captain, you are welcome here at any hour.  Bus. 
I was detained about a troublesome business, I have been sitting upon the great Rate.  Man. 
'Tis well known you were ever zealous in public matters, Commissioners ought to be so.  Bus. 
A Hangman might hope for some end of his business; some Fools make the matter as intricate, as the Learned Doctor's Scribble are about Religion, no man can tell what they would be at.  Tr. 
But you brought off all with good success.  Bus. 
Thank Patience and a good Head; one cries the Seas are blocked up and we have no Trade, therefore we must not be too severe to the Country; another, That Money is scarce, and other Counties don't come up to our proportion; I told them plainly, They that were not for giving this King Money, were for bringing in the other; at last I had my way, and the thing was Signed according to my mind.  Man. 
But Captain, here's an old Friend of mine, if you are not provided, you had best take him for your Lieutenant.  Bus. 
Is he a Soldier?  Man. 
The best in the Country.  Free. 
What dost mean? I'll discover my ignorance. [Aside.  Man. 
Peace put on an impudent face, thou wilt pass muster. Impudence is as requisite in a Soldier as in a Lawyer or a Physician, if you have good stock, you are noted and admired, but want that, want all.  Bus. 
If your Friend will accept of a Lieutenancy of the Militia, I have a blank Commission; but first I must exercise him.  Free. 
Captain, I understand no more than a Maypole.  Bus. 
No matter, I'll teach you; one Officer of understanding is enough for one Company,— but now I think on't, I have some Neighbours without that wait for me, I'll call 'em in, you shall see them Exercise.  A Posture-Dance in imitation of Soldiers Exercise. Free. 
This is excellent, a man may venture to fight with these Weapons without danger of death, or breaking of Bones.  Bus. 
To tell you the truth, I don't think the Militia is obliged to fight; they are intended, I suppose, more for show than service; when the French Burnt Tinmouth, the Posse led the Van, the Militia the Rear.  Tr. 
Because the Militia is the standing Guard of the Nation.  〈◊〉. 
Methinks, Captain, 'tis reasonable we should earn our Pay: I am for Fighting.  Bus. 
The Fellow is the fitter for my service; though Valour in two Officers be too much for one Company, yet 'tis convenient there should be one such Officer; I for Conduct, he for Courage— I defy the whole Regiment to match us. He hopes for Pay; let him; I could never see any such thing, I believe it may be converted to other Uses. [Asi●…] But where is the fair Eugenia? I must kiss her hand before I sleep.  Man. 
I had forgot to tell you Captain, that a brisk young Gentleman hath brought his Forces before the Town, and swears he'll take it by Storm or by Siege.  Bus 
Dare any person be so Impudent— Dost thou not feel me yet! not yet! (Blusters) Though Hills were set on Hills, and Seas met Seas, yet would I reach thine head, thine head, proud— Ha! [Starts.]  Enter Peregrine leading Eugenia. Fro. 
Now is your time, Captain; for if her flag of Truce be put up, there will be a speedy end of the Siege.  Bus. 
Madam, your humble Servant— Now for my great and manly looks to put him out of countenance. [Salutes, and looks big.] Hark ye, Sir,— Have you any Acquaintance with this Lady?  Per. 
Darest thou, Thing! ask me such a Question? [Turns to him.  Bus 
Thing— Dux, ducis, a Duco, a Thing! If I run him through before he turn his face, I'll venture to fight with him afterwards. [Draws and runs at Per. Eug. skre●…ks, Per. looks about, steps back and draws.  Eug. 
Look to your life, Peregrine.  Per. 
Behind my back— Cowards are ever mischievous; now I am ready for you. [Makes up to him.  Bus. 
Will no body part us; [Locks back o●…r his Shoulder.] I am slain. [Lets his Sword fall, and falls on his Back.  Per. 
'Tis with your fear then; I had not time to touch thee: However, I'll make bold with your Sword to prevent future mischief.  Tr. 
You may rise, Captain, you have no hurt; let me help you. [Tr. helps.  Bus. 
I'm sure I felt the Sword pass through the Triangle of my Heart— What, though you see no Blood, 'tis a sign of the greatest danger when the Wound bleeds inwardly.  Tr. 
You have no Wound.  Bus 
That you saw: I felt it I'm sure, or I was sore mistaken— Where is this Lieutenant of mine, that could see his Captain slain before his face, and not revenge his Blood? I think he'll prove a special Officer.  Fr. 
Man to man— 'twould have been Cowardice to have interposed.  Bus. 
I must be killed to make you sport— Here's a Dog deserves to be hanged for not following the example of his Superior Officer— It is for thee, dear Saint, the Love of thee, I suffer all these evils. [To Eugenia.  Eug. 
For me— I am not worthy of such respect from a Person of your Quality.  Bus. 
Pretty Creature, thou hast some Compassion. [Takes her by the hand.  Per. 
Tho' I could pardon your cowardly aiming to take away my life, I cannot allow such familiarity with my Mistress.  [Twinges him by the Nose, and turns him back. Bus. 
Disarmed and twinged by the Nose— Nature was too niggardly to allow me none but Passive Valour— Poor Captain Busie Thou must bear thy Crosses with Patience— to the right hand about— [Acts as he speaks.] march, to the left— Halt! Now while he hath her by the hand, and may say and do what he pleases, I am allowed none but backward Kindness: I'll be tried by any Man in England if this be not Arbitrary Power in the highest degree.  Man. 
You have not raised the Siege, Captain.  Bu. 
I endeavoured to beat the Enemy out of his Trenches, but the Lieutenant did not second me with his Body: I threw at all; wiser Commanders without. Disgrace have been worsted on such terms. [Aside to each other.  Tr. 
Rally again, Captain; Fortune favours the bold, you may have better success the second Charge; you scorn to desist on the first Repulse.  Bus. 
I beg your Pardon, Sir,— [Sees 'em whispering.] A prudent General foresees Dangers, and will not Fight till he see an advantage or opportunity; I content myself with a fair Retreat— Though I die for't, I must hear what they say. [Listens.  Eug. 
My Brother's Fate and mine shall be the same.  Per. 
Then I have hopes, if he succeed I may be happy.  Eug. 
You know my Resolution.  Bus. 
'Tis so; He hath laid a Train, and is going to spring his Mine; through the Breach he enters; no relief to be had, she must surrender at Discretion: She's lost she's gone, since of herself she will not love, nothing can make her; the Devil take her. [Aside.  Per. 
Listening? [Goes towards him, Busie runs out.  Fre. 
I must follow him about some private Business of my own.  Per. 
Take his Sword with you, and bid him use it more discreetly for the future, left he meet a Wound in earnest— [Exit Fre.] Manley, I bring unwelcome News, by my Father's Commands I am to invite all here to my Sister's Wedding to morrow.  Man. 
Now, Uncle, Where's your Stratagem?  Tr. 
Fear nothing.  Eug. 
And what is become of your full-blown hopes? [Smiling.  Per. 
I rest securely in your Promises.  Eug. 
They are Conditional.  Enter Sharper. Per. 
Sharper hath private Business with Mr. Trusty— we must withdraw.  Man. 
It seems you know it. [Exeunt.  Tr. 
So shall you in time convenient— Now Sharper! How goes Matters on?  Sharp. 
With full Sails, Sir. When I left you, I went to Nich. Froths, the Ale House yonder, where luckily I found my full Club of Catchpoles sitting at the Receipt of Custom, cursing some Attorneys that Cheat them of their honest Wages.  Tr. 
Will they Espouse the matter?  Sharp. 
Will they Eat when they are Hungry? I no sooner delivered my Message, but off slew their Caps, and your Worship's Health went round; They'll stand by you with their Lives and Fortunes; One of them's a broken Lawyer—  Tr. 
Do Lawyers break?  Sharp. 
When Vermine breed too fast, they will devour each other: The Priests monopolise the Parishes, therefore they seldom break; Phyfitians here and there pick up a Livelihood, tho' small Apothecaries and Licenced Chirurgeons, and old Women discerning States, encroach on that Art and Profession: Shoopkeepers, like Foxes in their holes, walk forward and backward, but can prey no further than their Chain permits 'em; and as a broken Shoemaker makes a good Cobbler, so a broken Attorney makes the best of Bailiffs.  Tr. 
What said this Bayliff-Lawyer t' ye?  Sharp. 
First very strange, with open hand he stood, till with a Guinea I shook him by the Fist: My Darling, he cried, I'll do it effectually; Then taking an old Warrant out of his Pocket, enters his Name, what Sum, and at whose Suit: Next week, (said he) if he stand out, we'll send for the Writ; If he comply, we need not send for any; yet he must pay for that and the Declaration; This is the way small Fellows get their Bread, the great ones vast Estates: We could not live should we do all things Just; our Trade is a Mystery, and to keep Clients in profound Ignorance, our great Arcanum.  Tr. 
They'll do their work to morrow?  Sharp. 
Very early: Bailiffs and Woodcocks make their best speed by Twilight. Shall he be carried to a Tavern, Sir? or where?  Tr. 
To that very Alehouse; He'll find those Charges high enough; Taverns are places unfit for Bailiffs. Dost think he'll fight his Cocks?  Sharp. 
He certainly shall do it, and I'll so order matters, you shall get every Battle.  Tr. 
Be the whole purchase yours.  Sharp. 
Generously said, I expect no more; My little Bayliff-Lawyer hath forged this Letter to the old Gripe from his Tinn Captain. [Shows a Letter.  Tr. 
Thou hast betraved my Cause thou Villain.  Sharp. 
Nay, See if it be not exactly to your Model. Reads,  
Sir, Our Tinnwork proves very poor, 'twill not pay Wages: if it does not alter within a week. I resolv●… 〈◊〉 kick it off and discharge some of the Men, unless I have contrdry Orders from you by the Bearer. In Mr Manley' s Bounds adjoining, there's a rich load cut 6 Foot broad without Water, and perfect Pryan, each Sack of Work makes his Gallon of Block Tynn: This I thought fit by Express to warn you of, that it might come before his from his Captain; The Bearer if examined will inform you farther; I rest in haste, Your Obedient Servant,  
Stephen Spalding.  
Now the same Lawyer shall be the Messenger in a Tinner's Disguise.  Tr. 
If he be trusty, it seems feasible.  Sharp. 
I'll pawn my life for his Truth and Honesty.  Tr. 
To confirm this, we must contrive another Note for Manley.  Sharp. 
Leave it to me— But Business now grows thick, and waits dispatch, I must go my Rounds again before I sleep, and give fresh Orders. [Exit.  Enter Manley and Peregrine. Man. 
Sir, I cannot sleep before you tell me what are the intents of those so secret Meetings; I fear some ill design that doth relate to me.  Tr. 
Pray, Nephew, whence proceeds this Jealousy? I can swear, and that with safety, hitherto I have been faithful to my Trust.  Man. 
Sir!—  Tr. 
I han't as trusties now too often do, plundered your Fortune to advance my own, and with bare faced and sinister contrivance in your Minority, with your Money purchased an Estate in my own Name, to my own Use and Benefit; Such trusties (Nephew) are easily found, and such a poor Cullied Heir, when he arrives to the Age of 21, care being first taken he shall be no Scholar, Seals a General Release, which with ease is gotten, before Accounts or any thing like it are past, or perhaps called for; From which time the treacherous Panther regains the Prize, keeps his still Minor at due distance, takes upon himself the manage of his Profits, learns him the sweet and tantalising way of squeezing Wax; at all times to be his security, and pay the whole Debt himself: In this poor Creature's Ashes the Salamander thrives and grows fat.  Man. 
I own, Sir, your Actions and Accounts were ever clear and candid.  Per. 
Now declare the Design, 'tis time to let him know it.  Tr. 
I will. Observe me then: A forged Letter sent supposed from Spalding, informs old Gripe of a rich Tinnwork cut in your Bounds adjoining, and confirmed by another Letter given you as from your Captain; you may guests the influence on his wretched Thoughts; mean while the Squire lies under an Arrest, and in that hurry you privately Espouse Clarinda.  Man. 
Forgery and Cheating, and I an instrument! The very shadow of one single Crime sufficeth to procure a public blame; whereas a thousand Virtues are no more than necessary to acquire a general Approbation; all Men take notice of few Faults, but few inquire, or at least take notice, if a Life be led by the Concatenation of all Moral Virtues,  Per. 
Good Moral Actions have naturally a right to Felicity, of which those often fail, who through their own default and infidelity make their first rights unuseful to themselves, which plainly shows all actions purely performed for Virtuous Ends, be they particular or general, level and go directly towards Goodness, although a man dream not of its tendency to that end.  Man. 
But if these tend to Pleasure, Profit, or Ambition, they are inordinate Passions and unlawful Objects, and are not able to imprint in moral Acts other than blind Injustice or Dishonesty; We are told, that we ought to speak what is true, and do what is honest: Where's there room then for Dissimulation?  Tr. 
Mistake me not; I don't intend to Cheat him of his Gold.  Man. 
But of his Child you do.  Tr. 
As a Physician cheats his Feverish Patient of his Blood; I'll put a Blister on shall drain out all his Covetous Humour; I'll make a Knave an honest Man. That's as much as an Act of Parliament can do.  Man. 
Sir, you surprise, stagger me, on each hand I perceive a Precipice; on one side I'm undone.  Tr. 
To undo one's self on one side, is no less than to be undone on both.  Man. 
Can you persuade Clarinda?  Tr. 
That's already done.  Man. 
Proceed!— Try if you can our Fate retrieve;  
What we desire, we easily believe.  
The End of the Second Act.   

ACT III.  

SCENE I. A Field.  Enter Shuffle like a Tinner, with four Bailiffs. Shufflle. 
COme Boys, along, along, the day begins to appear; 'tis time to be bolting out of our lurking holes.  1 Bayl. 
A rea, rea, Master, What would you have done? Don't you think we know our own time? I have served two seven years to the Trade, and am not now to learn, that to do our business in the night is the way to be taken for House-breakers.  2 Bayl. 
For you know Master, if we disturb Men in bed with their Wives, they'll swear against us out of revenge.  3 Bayl. 
Every body hates men of our Profession; therefore, good sweet loving Sose, let us take special care what we do, for as sure's I am here they will do us a mischief if it lies in their way, for the public good, as they call it, tho' they get nothing by it themselves.  4 Bayl. 
Sure and Sure, and so they will; 'tis a dangerous world, people don't care what they swear.  1 Bayl. 
The Justices of the Peace don't care to meddle with you Lawyers; you all join to help a distressed Brother out of the Mire.  2 Bayl. 
For every one reckons it possible to be his Lot next.  3 Bayl. 
But Justices and other Gentlemen are weary of prosecuting them, because they have little redress or encouragement when it comes to the Test.  4 Bayl. 
Sure enough; They'll be sure to be cheated, and all the blame lie on our backs; therefore good sweet loving Sose, let's take special care what we do.  Shuffle. 
Impudent Rascals! Who taught you to prate thus? Whom do you get your Bread by? When you ignorantly run beyond your Warrants, Who brings you off with flying Colours? How many times have you been catched thieving, plundering, beating, wounding, and sometimes murdering poor harmless People? Yet, when the worst hath happened, we have joined forces to make it out that what you did was in execution of your Office, justly in your own defence; and at last have Bribed the Petty Jury perhaps to acquit you.  1 Bayl. 
But who puts us upon it? Answer me that Question: We bear all the Backbitings, Curses, Distraces, Imprisonments, Indictments upon Indict●…. Bound over from 〈◊〉 to Sessions, from Assize to Assize, 〈◊〉, and ●…k here and there and every where; sometimes to Prison, 〈◊〉 to the common Gaol, stand Arraigned, and sometimes in danger of our lips; and because you put your helping hands to get us off, we 〈◊〉 holding to you; You run away with the Purchase and the Profit, leave us poor 〈◊〉 Creatures the blame, the pain, the hazard and the disgrace; you 〈◊〉 to be thanked and truckled to, as you had done wonders; very 〈◊〉 〈◊〉!  So▪ 
Peace, you saucy Dog, or I'll discard thee instantly.  1 〈◊〉 
Do; and 〈◊〉 tell how many Writs thou hast made in an Ale●… or i●… 〈◊〉 own Chamber; and how many thou hast caused to be 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 any ●…rit: Four honest Men for Capias, Declarations, etc. which 〈◊〉 ●…es co●… thee not one penny, Twenty Shillings a Man. If it be not 〈◊〉 the first Term, Signing. Judgement entering upon the Roll, and other 〈◊〉, th●… nothing done, Five Pounds a Man; if a Bail, Bond, and Execution— Tho' the Coroner never Signed the Warrant, Twenty Pounds a Man, if—  Shuffe. 
Hold, hold, Starter, no more ifs, Prithee.  1 Bail 
You know very well I can remember the particulars, and a great many others; you have brought such Fame upon the Law, that for the generality, as they had rather Die than use the second means from the Physician; so they'll rather run the hazard of losing their Money, than ven●…re the Charge of recovering it, for fear the Remedy prove worse than the Di●…e.  She. 
C●…e, no more, let's be Friends— I'll step and see if the Door be open.— Here, Starter, take the Warrant, but stay till. I re●…. [Exit.  2 Bayl. 
Thou wert very close with him jeoffry, I would not have said so much to ' un for a Hundred good pounds.  3 Bayl. 
Nor I neither.  1 Bayl. 
Because like a parcel of Spaniels you love to be under— but to our business.  2 Bayl. 
Ay, by all means let's mind that.  1 Bayl. 
First then this is a common Original Process.  4 Bayl. 
Good sweet now, out of which a Court comes thick a Writ? I never he●…d on before.  1 Bayl. 
You Blunderheads, 'tis only a bare Arrest.  4 Bayl. 
That's well a fine.  1 Bayl. 
〈◊〉. Hum— Hum— jeoffry Starter. Here I am in mine own proper Person; Vous avis, Mr. Starter. Alexander Squeeze.  2 Bayl. 
Here.  1 Bayl. 
V●…us ●…is; Rowland Spurge.  3. Bayl. 
Here.  1. Bayl. 
Vous avis; Timothy Thoroughstich.  1 Bayl. 
Vous avis vertute brevis Domini Regis— Hu. Hu. Mando quod capiatis Anthium Swash Ar. Hu. hu. [Hums to himself]— Ita quod habeam corpus ejus coram Iustic' dicti Domini Regis apud Westm, a die Paschae in quindecim dies— ad respondend Patricio Gredio Mil' de placito debit. super demand Mille librax— Et hoc, etc. Dat. Sub Sigillo Officii mei, etc. very well.  2 Bayl. 
That's more than we know, read loud in English that we may understand it.  1 Bayl. 
I read it as it is; 'Twill puzzle some Attorneys to read in true English.  Enter Shuffle. Shuffle. 
Away Boys, the Door's open, the old Fox is generally the first that moves, stay all in the Entry between the Doors till I give you the Sign, for you must cross the Room where we shall be discoursing.  1 Bayl. 
As soon as you have turned his Back towards the Door, give the Hint, we know our parts; away before, we follow. [Exeunt.   

SCENE II. Gripe's House.  Enter Shuffle speaking. Shuffle. 
Wait there for the Sign— Now for Impudence and a good Memory, that I be not found in a Lye.  Enter Gripe. 
He comes— Pray, Sir, are you Mr. Gripe the rich Merchant?  Gr. 
What would you Friend?— My name is Gripe.  Shuffle. 
I have a Letter for you requires haste. [Delivers a Letter.  Gr. 
'Tis Spalding's Hand.  Shufflle. 
It works, his colour comes and goes— Hist! Hist! [The Sign given, the four Bailiffs 'cross the Stage.  Gr. 
You come from Stephen Spalding.  Shuffle. 
I did so; and for better dispatch, I have traveled all this night on my bare Feet, I am all over like toasted Cheese.  Gr. 
But you needed not to have made so much haste, Bad News flies fast enough of itself.  Shuffle. 
Captain Spalding told me it required extraordinary speed, and would not suffer me to stay so long as to put on my best Clathers.  Gr. 
He always was a trusty Servant— But is the Work so poor as he Writes?  Shuffle. 
I know not what he Writes, but I'm certain he'll be forced to strike it in the Head with speed.  Gr. 
So he Writes me— What store of work have you at Hill? and what at Mill?  Shuffle. 
What can I tell— Who thought of this damned Question? [Aside.  Gr. 
He Writ me lately he had a great quantity at each place.  Shuf. 
There is so; but we are forced to put most of our men to Spalding, and to Buddles.  Gr. 
What store of Tails, Casualties, and Afterwashes have ye?  Shuf. 
Heap enough, but how 'twill yield as yet I know not; we employ all the Stamps and Buddles about the Head-Tinn, we shall have time enough to work the leavings.  Gr. 
How do you proceed at the Blowing-house?  Shuf. 
A Plague of these Questions. [Aside.] We have Tinn there, Sir, and good, as much as it is, tho' it don't yield as well as formerly.  Gr. 
Ha! your Reason for that.  Shuffle. 
I suppose when things begin to decay they are not so full of Mettle: I have no other Reason, Sir.  Gripe. 
'Tis a sad Truth, I know it by woeful experience— How far distant is this rich Mine from ours? can't you sink a Shaft on the edge of our Bounds, and drive under them? I'd venture my life to have a share in it: May not their Load incline towards us? It does not run North and South? Mine lies due West as I take it?  Shuf. 
Exactly, Sir, North and South; I went down into their Work, measured with the Compass, and the Load runs exactly with the Ely.  Gr. 
And so wondrous rich!  Shuf. 
They suffered me to break a Stone myself, of part I made a Van, and 'twas all perfect Tinn— I think I have a piece in my Pocket— [Gives a Stone. If he know it, I'm undone, Sharper stole it out of his Parlour Window. [Aside.  Gr. 
Never stir! 'tis very like mine.  Shuf. 
But richer: One of the Eastern Tryers whispered me, that all the dizzo was excellent Copper, and that he would give a 1000 l. for what is in sight.  Gr. 
Bless me! and ours worth nothing?  Shuf. 
Not one Dram of Mettle left in all your bottoms.  Gr. 
Undone, undone! inevitably ruined!— I shall want Bread.  Shuf. 
Content yourself, you have enough, and supposing the worst, you may buy up as much Black-Tinn as you please, and that commonly turns to a good Account at the Coinage.  Gr. 
Twenty per Cent. for 3 Months; A Man can't live by it.  Shuf. 
Captain Spalding sent me Express, that you might endeavour to get a Dole, or Set, before Mr. Manley's intelligence comes from Captain Buddle.  Gr. 
Which shall be done (if possible)— Who comes here— [Enter Starter pulling Sharp.] What rudeness is this in my House.  1 Bayl. 
Rudeness, I come with a Posse Comitatis in my Pocket.  Gr. 
Who do you look for?  〈◊〉 Bayl. 
One Squire Swash; I have a Privilege Warrant again him.  Gr. 
Then you are mistaken, this is one Mr. Sharper— Now will I take this opportunity to Cashier Swash, and Marry her to Manley at last; He is a very honest Gentleman, that's the truth on't, and I think it is a just Judgement for designing to cheat him of her; but I'll amend all.  Enter Squeeze, Sponge, and Thorowstitch, pulling in Swash. 3 Bail. 
Along with him, rogue him along, he shall to prison immediately,  1 Bail. 
Be more merciful to him, he will answer the Law quietly, Squire I will be your Guard.  Swa. 
'Tis a very hard Law if it give you Liberty to tear the Flesh from the Bones.  Shar. 
Pray Gentlemen let us discourse the matter fairly, At whose suit do you Arrest my Master.  3 Bai. 
Sir Patrick Greedy, 'tis an Action of Scandalum Magnatum for a Thousand Pound Debt.  4 Bai. 
And there's a Mandamus, a Capias, and Habeas Corpus in the Warrant, and Law enough to carry him to the other end of the King's Bench-Rules.  Swa. 
Indeed, Gentlemen, I don't owe that Knight one Farthing.  1 Bai. 
Then it will be the better for you, Sir,— You may try it, and the Jury may acquit you, so you have your remedy; but as the case stands, you must give us good Bail in 2000 l. as the Law requires, or go to Prison. I am heartily sorry for your condition, and wish it lay in my power to do you any service, but the Law is such we can't help it.  Shar. 
We'll give you Bail as the Law requires, this day he is to Marry Mr. Gripe's Daughter, I suppose the Father and Son will be his Bail.  1 Ba. 
We'll take 'em.  Gr. Pray, 
Mr. Sharper, mind your own business, and trouble not your head about other People, I nor my Son don't intent to be Engaged for any Man; we that take Bonds don't use to enter into them— a timely discovery, I had been finely choosed had he Married my Daughter. [Aside.  Swa. 
Pray, Gentlemen, let me go, within a little time I shall be going to Church to be Married, let me have one night's Lodging, to morrow I'll surrender myself; 'twould make a man mad to lose all between the Cup and the Lip.  Gr. 
Trouble not yourself for that, Sir,— I shall provide another Husband for my Daughter, my Money shall never go to pay Debts.  1 Bai. 
Away with him, What stand we here for? If you have any Gentleman to send for, we'll ' stay a while at Nich Froths; 'tis pity such a fine Gentleman should be in trouble, but 'tis no fault of ours.  Swa. 
Carry me where you will, I am careless how the world goes,— Sharper, Why dost weep?  Sharper. 
To see so good a Master so inhumanly used, 'twill break my heart to see you in Prison; never had good Gentleman such bad fortune. [Sharper weeps.  Swa. 
Prithee don't weep, thou makes me melancholy to see thee— poor fellow! he loves me dearly. [Aside.  Shar. 
I'll never leave you whilst I have Life or Limb. [Exit with Swash and Bailiffs.  Shuff. 
Have you any service to command me to Captain Spalding?  Gr. 
These accidents have so disordered me, I know not what to resolve on— step in and call my Daughter hither— but here she comes with her Brother. Enter Peregrine and Clarinda dressed like a Bride. Thou art early trimn●…d for Wedlock my Clarinda; how Gay! a Match is no 〈◊〉 agreed on, and the Wedding appointed, but the Woman is so taken up with the thoughts of the time to come, that she never resteth till her fancy be fulfilled.  Cla. 
My Father talking thus to himself! I doubt he is not well.  Gr. 
I vow I am very wantonly inclined this morning, and feel a tickling in my Veins like a Boy of Twenty,— hay! sound and hearty yet! oh! for a sprightly Young Girl to comfort my Old Spirits, I would give her a broad side, and launch into the deep— Ha! (never stir)! that word hath put me in mind of my Tinnwork again, now on a sudden am I become as cold and as dull as a Bridegroom after the first week,— therefore exit Love, and enter Business.— You Fellow withdraw, I would have some private Conference with my Son and Daughter. [Exit Shuff.  Per. 
Are you not well, dear Father? You seem much discomposed.  Gr. 
So wouldst thou, hadst thou a Daughter to dispose of; she must be Married— and she must not be Married— she shall be Married, and she shall not be Married— I don't know what to do with her.  Per. 
So unsettled and unresolved, you would make me think you were in a frenzy.  Gr. 
Yes, fellows of your Age always think their Father's Mad till they are Buried.  Per. 
Pray, Sir, let me know the disquiets of your mind.  Gr. 
Wilt thou assist me?  Per. 
Sir, to the hazard of my Life, I will.  Gr. 
I know not how to bestow thy Sister.  Per. 
Is she not this day to be Married to the Squire Swash? You told her so last evening.  Cla. 
My Passion, Sir, submitting to my Duty, I am all Obedience to your positive Commands.  Gr. 
Good! if a man promise these wanton Rogues a Husband, they'll be sure to call him to an account for a strict performance— [Aside]. Manley, at last, must Marry thee, Clarinda.  Cla. 
Then you abuse the Noble Squire.  Gr. 
She pleads for him— I was to blame to raise her expectation; if they have sealed the Bargain by an Ant nuptial Fornication, I have finely studied the Politics,— [Aside].— Swash is carried away to Prison by Four Bailiffs, therefore he must not Marry thee.  Cla. 
I am sorry for that, Sir.  Gr. 
What makes thee sorry, ha?  Cla. 
My Charity.  Gr. 
Charity! 'tis thy folly, by some called good nature, which brings folks to Beggary; no, thou ne'er shalt Marry that Fop as long as I live.  Cla. 
Sir, I heartily thank your Promise, and here I make a solemn Vow, I never will be his Wife.  Gr. 
Clarinda, you must now renew all your Charms, and strive by Words and Actions to reclaim Manley: Your attractive faculty hath force enough to reduce him.  Cla. 
With scorns and slights he hath been so provoked, I doubt the task will prove too difficult for my weak power.  Per. 
Love abused turns to hatred, Clarinda must walk warily.  Gr. 
Let her alone; dissimulation, especially in love-affairs, is a virtue inherent to that Sex; I know his Temper, give him a fair opportunity, and my life he takes it; therefore omit no artifice that may reclaim him; I would not for the world lose this happy Match; I am now so far from being jealous of thee, that I heartily wish you were a Bed together.  Per. 
And that may be before you are aware. [Aside.  Gr. 
Oh, my dear Clarinda! little think'st thou what pains, what fears, what doubts, what jealousies, we careful Parents labour under, to bestow our Children well,— may thy designs and undertakings prosper.  Cla. 
Pray Heaven it end so well! [Aside.  Enter Trusty, Manley, Eugenia, Freeman, as to the Wedding. Gr. 
My Friends and Neighbours, a hearty welcome to you all.  Man. 
We thank you, Sir.— Madam, a good day.  Cla. 
The same attend you, Sir.  Gr. 
Well said, Clarinda, thou art my own Flesh and Blood,— how they stare and gaze!— ay, ay, 'tis so, their hearts are renewing acquaintance.  Man. 
The Bride's prepared for Marriage, Where is the Bridegroom?  Cla. 
Not far, since you are here.  Gr. 
That's my Jewel,— that was a bold stroke, and home to the purpose, I wonder the phlegmatic Dog doth not leap at the bait; time was when I would have made better use of such an opportunity; I fear he has heard the news, and so draws off.  Enter Shuffle like a Post. Shuff. 
By your leave Gentlemen, Is one Mr. Manley here?  Man. 
My Name is Manley.  Shuff. 
I have a Letter for you. [Delivers a Letter.  Man. 
'Tis Budele's hand. [Opens and Reads.  Gr. 
It is his intelligence; this is the beginning of my ruin; I have not yet made my Bargain, and now my Daughter will be left upon my hands. [Aside.  Man. 
This for the Postage— bring confirmation, I ask no more of Fortune,— Sir, Will you see it? [Gives Money. Gives the Leteer to Trusty.  Tr. 
Beyond imagination! a rich Load cut but Two days since, and yesterday a hundred load at Grass! I never heard the like success.  Gr. 
The poor Labourers kill themselves. Oh, pity, pity I [Aside.  Per. 
Good news from your Tinnwork, Sir, I joy in the success.  Man. 
I thank you, Sir,— but your Father hath ill fortune, for which I am sorry.  Shuff. 
I'll in and uncase for fear of a discovery— [Aside.]— [Exit.  Gr. 
I can no longer hear this discourse; here is no Wedding to day, nor like to be with Squire Swash, which may prove to the advantage of some one present, if he please to understand it. Clarinda make your Friends welcome, I'll in and cool myself, and then dispatch my Letters. [Exit.  Cla. 
You see my Father begins to be reconciled. [Smiling.  Man. 
I'll after, and invite him to the wedding.  Tr. 
You then destroy your Sister's Match; 'tis dangerous meddling with a Lion till he be securely chained: You match to day, they stay but one day longer; out of a vehement desire of revenge he shall divest himself of all to Peregrine.  Per. 
and my fidelity to the fair Eugenia need not be mistrusted.  Eug. 
Young Men are ever constant till they have a fairer purchase, or a better opportunity.  Enter Parson. Tr. 
Away, you lose time, the Parson is ready to say Grace,— Mr. Freeman, I must desire your Company at Nich Froths immediately after Dinner, you may be serviceable to my Nephew.  Free. 
I shall not fail, mean while I must to my Captain Busy.  Man. 
Come, Parson, are you ready?  Par. 
The Canonical Hour is passed, you must stay till to morrow.  Man. 
I understand you. [Gives him Money; the Parson looks on and fingers his Watch.  Par. 
Hum! indeed I was mistaken,— a Quarter past Eleven; I'll do your business immediately in the next room.  Man. 
And may we constant each to other prove, As now Uniting by the power of Love.  [Exeunt.  
The End of the Third Act.   

ACT IU.  

SCENE I.  Curtain drawn, discovers Swash and Sharper at Cribbage; four Bailiffs and Nich. Froth sitting by Smoking and Drinking. News Papers on the Table. Froth. 
COme Boys; we squander the time; the Squire's Health. Ten Pound on your Worship's Game. [Drinks.  Swa. 
Two for Noddy; that's well. [Turns and puts up  1 Bail. 
That turn made your Game. Three to One of the Squire's Game.  2 Bail. 
Lawk ye! Will you so? The Squire hath three Shows for twelve Holes: Mr. Sharper must carry Fifteen this time, or he's gone.  Shar. 
As I am a living Man I am but Eight. [Puts up.  Swa. 
I am Six; play away: I have but Six more to go. [Puts up.  Shar. 
I play the Ten of Diamonds. [Plays.  Swa. 
Now must he have a Knave and a Five in his Hand: If I play my Nine, he'll take Second: I'll venture: Twenty and a Pair. [Puts up.  Shar. 
To put it out of dispute, there's a Pairroyal, and the single Game. Seven for that. I am out, Sir. [Puts up.  Swa. 
The Devil take the Cards: Who would ha' thought 'em all out! I had two Tens and a Nine; that was my Six.  Shar. 
Two Tens and a Five, and a Knave turned, made me Eight. Will you play again, Sir?  Swa. 
Fortune is against me to day.— Give me a Glass of Ale.  Fro. 
And the best in the Country. Here's a Tankard of Bottled-Ale out of the Cask.  Swa. 
Thy meaning?  Fro. 
Thus, Sir: First, I Brew mine Ale; then I Wort mine A●…e; then I tun mine Ale; when it is fine, I Bottle mine Ale, closely stopped; after a Fortnight, I take Bottle after Bottle, and pour it into a fine clean Cask, leaving the Sedement in every Bottle. This fine Drink I keep for Gentlemen of Quality, and my best Customers.  4 Bail. 
He'll make 'em believe the Moon's made of Green Cheese.  Fro. 
If ordinary Fellows will have it, they pay me Six pence the Quart, Gentlemen Four pence. Let who will be for Gain, I stand on the Credit and Reputation of my House: I have Six Hogsheads of this fine liquour in my Cellar.  Swa. 
Give me a Glass: It looks and tastes like Small Beer. [Drinks.  Fro. 
Would you have it like the sedementary Ale, thick, heavy, fulsome, phlegmatic, nasty stuff, fit only for Hedgers and Thresher's? This my Chemical Preparation is healthy and sound for the Body, the Quintessence of Rarefaction.  1 Bail. 
But, Landlord, (takes him aside) what Methods do you intend in managing the Reckoning? We will swear for thee.  Fro. 
Is he well lined?  1 Bail. 
No doubt on't.  Fro. 
Then, as my Friends, I'll trust you with my Secrets: In the beginning, when Gentlemen are cool, I always reckon 5 for 4; if catched, I and my Wife fall to scolding; with a submissive Apology I crave pardon for the Disturbance, and acknowledge the Mistake: The Gentlemen are appeased, I call for my Quart, drink their Healths, swear there was never such an Accident in my House before, and that I'll watch my Maid's Water for the future.  1 Bail. 
You still hold to the proportion of 5 for 4?  Fro. 
No; as they inflame their Noddles, I the Reckonings; 4 for 3, 3 for 2, and at last 2 for 1; but I never go beyond, unless they have been entered in my Wife's Book; and then 3 for 1 is very reasonable.  1 Bail. 
Suppose such a Trick should be discovered?  Fro. 
When all are drunk, there can be no Mistake; or if such a Discovery were possible, I was drunk; and paying my Forfeiture next Morning, it passeth current again. These Doctrines I learned when I was a Drawer up in the City: I intended to put up a Tavern here in the Country; but finding the Wine-Drinkers crowding to London; and the other's not able to go to the Cost, I set up an honest Alehouse, as you see.  1 Bail. 
I did not think there had been so much Art.  Fro. 
Our Profession is a mere Mystery; but above all we need understand Arithmetic well; for Substraction and Division are as requisite in the Measures, as Addition and Multiplication in the Reckonings; and all compacted together, teach you the Golden Rule.— So, perge Mentiri, let every one follow his own Trade. [Exit.  [All this while Swash and Sharper at Cards. Enter Trusty and Freeman at each Door. Trust. 
Having Married my lovely Pair, and divided 'em till Night with further Instructions, now for my Woodcock in his Trap.— Freeman! well met.— How now, Squire! here so late on your Wedding Day? I expected to have seen you at, I Anthony take thee Clarinda, long ere this.  Swa. 
But Poor Tony's Policy is quite out of doors; to be snatched away in the Flower of my Youth, in the height of mine Appetite, a delicate fine Dish prepared and set before me, and not suffered to take one Taste, is a damned, cursed Misfortune.  Trust. 
You have but rascally Company about you, Sir: What mean these Catchpoles?  Swa. 
Oh, Mr. Trusty, the saddest Story ever was heard! As I was going to be Married, I was Marred to all intents and purposes; the Devil, in the shape of Four of his Children, laid violent hands on me, and brought me here in a Surprise!  Shar. 
On a mere Fob-Action; 'tis a damned Cheat; he doth not owe a Penny to any Man alive: Would he were hanged that invented such a piece of Roguery against such a good Gentleman! O damned Villains! [Weeps.  Swa. 
Thou art so moody hearted, thou makest me weep for Company— I believe never was a Man more happy in a Servant.  Shar. 
To lose so Sweet! so Young! so Beautiful a Mistress!—  Swa. 
And honest Trey and Cater thy Fellow-Servants.—  Trust. 
This looks very suspicious, Gentlemen, have you good Law for what you do?  1 Bail. 
Yes, you may see if you please.  Trust. 
It grieves me to the heart to see a Gentleman abused. I'll be his Bail.  Freem. 
And I, if the Bailiff will take us.  1 Bail. 
We will; we are not scrupulous.  Freem. 
I know the Old Gentleman will indemnify me.— The Noble Squire shan't to Prison on such a Fob-Action. [Hugs him.  Shar. 
I vow, Gentlemen, this is a great Kindness you do my Master.  Swa. 
Is it? It is; in trouble and thrall, Man; I shall never never make 'em satisfaction while I live. [Exit.  Enter Shuffle. Trust. 
No more words; in, in, that we may discharge you: I'll stay but one minute.— Freeman, put the Glass merrily round; I'll bring a sudden Reprieve. [Exeunt all but Trusty and Shuffle. Now, my dear Shuffle, how go matters now?  Shuff. 
Ill enough; all the Design is frustrated: Spalding is returned, and denies the whole matter; the old Gripe rants like a Madman; hath sent an Express to Sir Patrick Greedy, to know if he will own the Action; swears 'tis all your work to cheat him of his Child.  Trust. 
Let the procrastinating Fop vex and torment himself to death; spite of his Care I'll cheat him of both his Children, his Estate and Money too.  Shuff. 
Peregrine turns tail, hath ingratiated himself, and his Father will settle all upon him; which the old Man hath granted, and hath given Orders to have the Deeds drawn: He vows Clarinda shall not have one Groat, unless she marry Swash to morrow morning.  Trust. 
This succeeds as I would wish.— Who draws the Deed?  Shuff. 
Peregrine desired me; but I would not promise, without your Consent.  Trust. 
We must trust him— (Aside.) be sure you tie him fast, and you must hasten it.  Shuff. 
I'll fetter him; not all the Power of Law shall e'er release him: I'll bribe Cunningame the Attorney to be of our side; he is his Idol; what he says goes down with him without suspicion. Have you any other Service to command me? I was told Mr. Freeman hath Business with me.  Trust. 
He's in the next Room; I'll send him out immediately. [Exit.  Shuff. 
Mr. Freeman's Business I guess is of another nature; some Wench with Child to be provided for; so that I must be Pimp-Broker: This is somewhat scandalous to the Profession; but there is Money to be got; so that's answered.  Enter Freeman. Free. 
Shuffle, I have a little Secret to impart to thee, wherein I want thy Assistance: Thou shalt be well paid, I promise thee.  Shuff. 
And that you know is the Life of all Trades: You are no Stranger, I have had much of your Money; whate'er it be I'll do it, and trust your Generosity. Come, declare; some common Flesh hath been so long blown upon, that living Creatures begin to move.  Freem. 
Even so; she at Nich. Froths, that goes under the Character of a Relation.  Shuff. 
She hath been your Hackney long enough; 'tis time to procure a Chapman, and march her off.  Freem. 
Such a one I have: Captain Busie, thou shalt appear before her as her Steward, whilst I, under the same Title of a Relation, bring him to overhear you pass your Accounts.  Shuff. 
Good: Being already trained to his hand, she'll the sooner understand his Exercise.  Freem. 
I have some Bags of Nails shall lie before you on the Table, with Money in their mouths. Disguise thyself: I'll leave the rest to thee.  Shuff. 
And no longer Shuffle, but Mr. Abraham rental, Madam Freeman's Steward, with some old Bonds and Deeds, will meet you an Hour hence at this place; I suppose she's sufficiently instructed.  Freem. 
Yes; all things shall be ready.  Shuff. 
I question not your care; and I'll perform my part, with assured success and expedition.  
To hide the Shame, and get Estate for Life,  
My pregnant Miss must be a Captains' Wife. [Exeunt.  Enter Froth, running. Froth. 
Mr. Freeman, a word with you. He is gone to the Company: I thought to have had him speak one word of Reconcilement for me to my Wife; he can work what he pleases upon her. When I first set up here in the Country, I Married a handsome Girl, who according to expectation, proved a complete, tempting, hypocritical Jilt; I the necessary Perquisite, a good-natured Landlord, otherwise called a spunging, insinuating, contented Cuckold. We are both Cheats; so far 'tis right and well. According to the Quality of my Function, my Wife takes all upon her. Any Man would think such Dealings would satisfy her; but I vow she's grown very obstreperous and ungrateful; for even now going to the Bar to see how the Reckoning stood, I met our Servant-Maid; the Spirit being willing, the Flesh and the Devil prevailing, I was very loving; the poor innocent Creature blushing, cried, Nay, pish!— Nay, fie!— Mistress is coming— I'll vow I'll cry out! yet all the while kissed as close as any Cockle: In the nick of time comes the Devil of a Wife, and disturbed us: My little Magpie squeaked, and thrust me from her, but whispered I should meet her in the Summer-House at Nine this Evening; which certainly I'll do, for all your Frumps, M Sus.— Ay, there she is coming; I must march, or woe to my Bones!  Enter Sus. with a Cudgel. 
Anon, Sir; by and by; a coming, Sir. [As he is going, she takes him by the Arm.  Sus. 
Why in such haste? there's no body calls.  Fro. 
Indeed, Wife, I thought the Gentlemen had knocked.  Sus. 
You are very nimble with your Attendance; you were not so an Hour since: The Gentlemen knocked and called, and no Landlord to be found, till uncivilly I was forced to rise from my Cushion, and leave their Company to fetch liquour.  Fro. 
What will become of me!— Indeed, Wife, I did not hear 'em; upon my Word I did not.  Sus. 
No, you were otherwise employed with your Servant-Maid; you were so.  Fro. 
I was only teaching her her Business, how to cast up the Reckoning.  Sus. 
You were teaching her to be a Strumpet— There was hugging and kissing, and other things in hand, had not I timely prevented.  Fro. 
I whispered her, that if she knew the Gentlemen to be Customers to you, she must reckon three for one.  Sus. 
Consider, Sirrah, who I am, and whence I came; my Father, a good Farmer, bred me the next Degree to a Gentlewoman, else I could ne'er ha' made so good a Landlady: 'Tis for the love of me there's such resort; 'tis I who keep the Door open, Sirrah! How oft have I been forced to watch whole Nights to give my Guests content and satisfaction, and all to make thee rich; whilst thou keepest Wenches Company, and cheatest me of that Love is only due to me.  Fro. 
Pray, Madam, if I increase in Duty by deputation an hundred-fold, you are no loser: How many times have I, with the Eye of Judgement, seen things which shall be nameless, touching my Freehold; yet putting on the Mask of charitable Unbelief, have quietly sat down in the Chair of Contentment, and said nothing?  Sus. 
Nay, since thou art grown so hardy to justify thy own Actions, and to tax my courteous and civil Deportment to my Customers, I'll make thee know what 'tis to abuse one that gives so creditable Entertainment. [Beats (him.  Fro. 
How now, Wife! where is your Cherishing and Obedience?  Sus. 
Vanished with your Bodily Worship, Sirrah. [Beats him.  Fro. 
Good, dear Wife, I'll do so no more.  Sus. 
Not till next time; once a Villain, and always so. [Beats him.  Fro. 
Here on my Knees, with lifted Hands, and unfeigned penitential Tears, I offer up my Vows to the Altar of Love and the Shrine of Matrimony. [Kneels and prays.  Sus. 
I'll sacrifice thee to my Revenge.  Fro. 
Anon, anon, Sir; by and by; coming. [Runs out.  Sus. 
H'ath quite tired me; yet I have paid him sufficiently: An impudent Beast, that can't show natural Civility to his Wife, yet should think to be modish! By threats I have made the Wench confess their Appointment; I'll meet him myself, and try what may be done.  Enter Freeman. Freem. 
What, my kind Landlady, and armed for Battle!  Sus. 
When Husbands break their Matrimonial Oaths of Allegiance and Supremacy, they deserve severe Correction.  Freem. 
Lay no such Fault on thine; he's as quiet and harmless Fellow as lives; I'll vouch for him.  Sus. 
Because you are so sweet, so civil, so good-natured, you think all others so: Were he a Person of your generous Spirit, I should be the happiest Woman living; but to be so used by that empty Thing, that mere Shadow of a Husband, (conceive me, Mr. Freeman) is unsufferable.  Freem. 
What is the matter? And why this Cudgel?  Sus. 
To chastise my Husband: I caught him about an Hour since (conceive me) debauching my Maid; but I have corrected him, and have another way to lay the Evil Spirit (conceive me, Mr. Freeman) if he be again possessed.  Freem. 
You will prepare Things for Margaret, as you promised.  Sus. 
She and the Maids are ready dressed, all Things prepared: Can I forget what my dear Mr. Freeman doth require me!  Freem. 
So, that's well.  Sus. 
Methinks I am always ravished with your Company.  Freem. 
How! ravished?  Sus. 
Charmed! bewitched!— I know not what to call it! Conceive me; but am never quiet but in your Company.  Freem. 
So; I have brought myself int●… fine Praemunire! There's another within will weep, if she han't all the fine Things. Flesh and Blood on't hold; I am merely metamorphized already; I must submit to Self-denial, because I can enjoy the Pleasures of the World no longer. [Aside.  Sus. 
I dreamed last night, that Mr. Freeman came to my Bedside, hugged me, kissed me, pressed me; so sweet! so delicate! so pleasing! (Conceive me, Mr. Freeman.)  Freem. 
A very comfortable Relation! [Aside.  Sus. 
'Tis an Age since I saw you last! I can tell you the prettiest Story,— In t'other Room 'tis warmer (conceive me, Mr. Freeman)  [Takes him by the hand, loading him out. Freem. 
Or we shall make it so.— Now for some Relief for the Forlorn Hope.  Enter Trusty and Swash, and others. Swa. 
In private with Mr. Freeman!— What think you of this Landlord?  Fro. 
I dare not tell you, Sir; I am deaf and blind; but I hope 'tis no Treason to think— Tho she be rude with me, other People can keep in with her: A time will come to revenge all these Evils.  Swa. 
Sharper, how goes the Day?  Shar. 
The Clock struck Four, about half an Hour ago.  Swa. 
We'll to the Cockpit; I'll Fight 'em presently: My Cocks Fight as well by Candle as Daylight: You know the Wager, Three Battles for 300 Pound.  Trust. 
And shake Bag-Law: We are ready to attend you.  Swa. 
What have we to pay, Landlord?  Fro. 
'Tis my Wife's Element; I keep nothing from her.  Sus. 
Two Pounds Two Shillings and Two pence halfpenny to a Farthing.  Swa. 
Here are two Guineas; I take no Change; but first a Song and Dance.  Trust. 
Mr. Freeman, You will go with us?  Freem. 
You must excuse me, Sir; I have somewhat of the like nature on my hands.  Trust. 
Success to both.  Swa. 
The Bailiffs are paid?  1 Bail. 
Yes, Noble Squire●…▪  Swa. 
There's to drink my Health.  
Sharper hath cunningly my Friends betrayed:  
We'll get their Money first, and then the Maid. [Exeunt▪   

SCENE II.  Curtain drawn, discovers Margaret sitting at a Table; two Waiting-Maids behind the Chair; Bags, Deeds, and Bonds on the Table; Shuffle at the other end with Pen, Ink, and Paper. Enter Freeman, Busie standing at the entrance of the Stage. Freem. 
A lucky Minute, her Steward is passing his Accounts; let's wait and overhear 'em.  Busy. 
Great and mighty Bags! She must be wondrous rich, if all that be Interest.  Freem. 
And Rents: She hath a great Estate, as well as Money.  Busy. 
A Portly Lady; and a great Beauty.  Shuff. 
Item, Your Barton and Manor of Coorrowda, in the County of Carmarthan, given your Ladyship by the last Will and Testament of Sir Frederick Harding Knight, Citizen and Merchant of London, your Honour's Grandfather, Rents per Annum 200 l. received 150 l. remains in Arrears 50 l.  Busy. 
By stealing of Custom, and a false Oath at the Customhouse, after the end of every Voyage, and if his Wife were right (as we say) ten to one but some Court-Blood runs in her Veins.  Freem. 
What mean you, Captain?  Busy. 
From the borrowing Lord there lies an Obligation to the Creditors Wife, she is Complemented with the Interest to buy Pins, and then she hath the opportunity to show her Civility, when his Lordship is pleased to honour her with the particular marks of his Favour.  Shuff. 
Item, Your Manor and Barton of in the County of the Gift of your Brother-in-Law, Doctor Bunting, a Civilian, Rent per Annum 80 l. Received 60 l. Rests 20 l.  Busy. 
The Common Lawyers devour the Body and Estate, the Spiritual Court the Soul: Tho' the Locusts grow fast, but few of them prosper in the Third or Fourth Generation.  Freem. 
At this rate Captain, you'll abuse the whole Nation.  Busy. 
Who can forbear to make Remarks upon such a Gallimawfxy Family?  Shuff. 
Here is a Bond of 1000 l. Principal, due to your Honour from the Executors of Arthur Hadland Esq Deceased.  Marg. 
Take care the Security be good.  Shuff. 
'Tis very good indeed Madam, and the Interest well paid.  Busy. 
I was Acquainted with that Gentleman, a Justice of Peace, but had no more Law than his Clerk infused.  Shuff. 
So much Madam for your Welsh Manors, and barton's Rents per Annum of the whole 1500 l. in these two Bags 1000 l. remains in Arrear in the Tenants hands 500 l.  Marg. 
See it be well Secured.  Shuff. 
They would have paid in the whole, if I would have received Guineas for 23. but were loath to part with 'em for less. Of your Plantations in America, I expect an account every Ship, and a Bill of the Free-income from the Correspondents.  Marg. 
The yearly value?  Shuff. 
Communibus Annis 600 l. Received for Interest of 4000 l. at 6 per Cent. 240 l. in that Bag, the Interest for 2000 l. in the Debtors hand.  Marg. 
See it suddenly paid, or call in the principal, and see the whole be well secured.  Busy. 
I can no longer forbear, prithee Lieutenant break in upon her out guards, if I can storm her Trenches, I'll raise a Battery, and force my Entrance, or Bomb her till I make her surrender Bag and Baggage.  Free. 
Fear not Captain we'll make her yield, tho' I assure you, you'll find more in her than you are aware of, but no matter, 'twill all be discovered in time to your advantage.— Niece, I have brought a Gentleman to see you.  Marg. 
Whoever comes with you is doubly welcome.  Busy. 
Nay then, Courage, fall on,— Madam your Slave— A brave plump Wench, and kisseth rarely. I'll warrant her a delicate Bedfellow in a Frosty Morning. Salutes her.  Freem. 
I doubt (Niece) we have disturbed you.  Marg. 
No, no dear Sir, my Steward being returned from keeping my Courts, I had a mind to learn what he had done; I think 'twas almost over, Rend all.  Shuff. 
To a small matter.  Marg. 
Leave it to some other opportunity.  Busy. 
To what a Mass of Wealth and Honour am I growing. (Aside  Freem. 
This Gentleman, my Worthy, Honourable Friend, is come to kiss your Hand, and if he Court you, Treat him Civilly; I am desirous he should be your Husband.  Busy. 
Well said Lieutenant, he doth not beat about the Bush, but falls immediately upon the point, and since 'tis so well begun, now for Lies and Flatteries in abundance. (Aside)— Fame, Madam, having talked so loud in your praise, I had a greedy desire to view the Original, imparting this to your Uncle, he brought me hither, and now I find, what I have heard comes short of what I see; Mine Eyes no sooner saw, but my Heart was in a Flame, it heaves, it beats, it trembles, I'm all over Pulse, and in a perfect Agony.— The Devils in't, if this be not expressed like a true Lover. Aside.  Freem. 
The Woodcock comes on apace. Aside.  Marg. 
I doubt Sir, you are more in love with what you heard, than what you fee.  Busy. 
She is in the right of it; tho' I must pretend otherwise. (Aside No, Madam, no; tho' what I heard is much beyond my poor deserts, 'tis you, 'tis only you, your Person I adore.— Know I abhor that petty, paltry Pelf, let it be gone, all vanish into Air. Let my Dear Love, my Saint, my Idol be only Armed Cap A Pe with nakedness.— Tho' I say it myself, and tho' it be a damned Lie, 'twas a lively expression, I Appeal to any Man that understands Courtship and Lying. (Asid●…▪  Marg. 
I Vow 'tis a pretty Gentleman. Seemingly aside.  Busy. 
Is he so? (Aside)— I love you Madam, beyond all the World, from these fair Eyes, these Ruby, charming Lips, I Panting wait my doom.  Marg. 
Oh! were it true he says.  Busy. 
True, Madam! Is it the Sun that Rules the Day? The Moon and Stars that Guide the Night? 'Tis easier to make the high Alps Navigable, or stop the raging motions of the Winds or Seas, than to divert or rather quench my Love.— Oh my Dear Saint, didst thou but know the secret Flames within my Breast do glow, you would not be so cruel, so hard hearted.— She trembles. He takes her by the hand.  Marg. 
Oh! I am lost. Falls into a Swoon.  Freem. 
Captain you are fortunate, the Fort is won.  Busy. 
If I had her in private I'd quickly bring her to her right Senses.  Freem. 
She revives again: How do ye Niece?  Marg. 
A Devil Gnaws and Tears my Breast.  Busy. 
'Tis a very good natured Devil, he is pleading my Cause, this is the first Service he ever did me.  Freem. 
Come, come you can no longer hide it, I see you love the Captain.  Marg. 
I know not; but I find I cannot hate him.  Freem. 
Take her; to Morrow she shall be your Bride.  Busy. 
Which Gift I joyfully receive.  Marg. 
I am all obedient to my Uncle's Pleasure, but why so sudden? I have no new clothes.  Busy. 
No matter, we put'em all off when we go to Bed.  
'Tis better far than seven years a Cooing,  
Billing and other formal acts of Wooing;  
Blest is the Match that is not long a doing.  Exeunt:  

SCENE III. A Garden.  Enter Sue Froth alone. Sue. 
I have locked up my young Rival in her Chamber; there let her wallow on her Bed in Meditation, whilst I receive my due; a ripe Age this, that a Girl not past fifteen, should pretend to years of Discretion, and with my Husband too, what will this World come to?— Well, I'll go and defeat his expectations. A Rascal debauch his own Maid. Exit.  Enter Swash in his Waistcoat and Drawers. Swa. 
All lost, all gone; my Mistress, my Money, my clothes, and Sharper has left me: No Friend to a Man in Adversity. All my Jewels Sacrificed, Cutthroat, Fencer, Warrior, Dangerfield, and the rest of their Honourable and Worthy Brethren, disfigured, and by Treachery, put one against the other, and all in Battle slain, the whole Generation, Root and Branch, cut off in the prime of their years; Trey and Cater murdered, I had as good go home and hang all the Hounds, and make a clear House.— 'Tis wondrous dark, I must endeavour to find out my way to some lodging. Exit the same way.  Enter Froth alone. Fro. 
Now for my Assignation with my little Harlot, and now Madam Susanna, I stand in defiance of your Cudgel; if variety be so good, 'tis necessary I sometimes humour my nice palate, I will therefore Solace myself in change of Love.— But hold Nicholas, look before you leap; suppose in the abundance of thy Affection, she should Conceive, and should have issue by thee? thy Wife Susanna will Confiscate thee to all Intents and Purposes.— A bad business I'll go no further.— But hold sweet Nicholas, one word more, thy little Damosel of Delight, now in the Cold expecting thee, should she grow Sick and Die, by this disappointment— The case is altered again, therefore I will proceed— What tho' there be a Child or Children, of the Body of the said Nicholas Froth, upon the Body of his said Servant Maid, begotten or to be begotten.— She shall name no Father, and some of my Wives Customers shall pay for the maintenance; or what if it pass for Nicholas Froths Child? All these things impartially considered: a decree passeth, that I stand firmly to my first resolutions; may it therefore please your Ladyship, Mrs. Wife, to excuse my personal attendance for the present. (Exit. Swash meets him, he starts back in a fright. Ha! The Devil! I see his Cloven Foot, he hath been before me, and made the first cut in the Pie— Had I disturbed him, he had certainly torn me pieces— O poor Creature thou art finely peppered.  Swa. 
Searching my way, and opening a little Door, I entered, and immediately a Woman with her Arms clapped me about the Neck, I soon found it a Banquet of Love prepared for another Man, without saying Grace I fell too, to her satisfaction as well as mine own I hope— However this is some Comfort in the midst of my troubles. (Exit.  Fro. 
Is he gone? He hath cooled my courage, yet I am in a Sweat, he talked, methoughts, very merrily, therefore I judge he hath been playing the Rogue, what a brave opportunity have I lost, cursed disappointment!  Enter Sus. Froth. Sus. 
My Nicholas is a very kind Husband upon occasion; but why he went off so soon, I cannot imagine: Certainly he could not discover me— I hear some one one tread— Who's there?  Fro. 
Ha!— Sus!— Now have I been Cuckolded by the Devil! If she hath conceived, I hope she'll ne'er bring forth: 'Twill be a sad case if I must Father a young Beelzebub in mine old Age. (Aside.  Sus. 
Who's there? Nicholas!  Fro. 
Sus! what makes you here so late?  Sus. 
To keep you honest against your will, Friend, you took me for another in the Garden-house— so brisk! so fine! so amorous! I have discovered you now in the height of your Roguery; you thought, like a filthy Fellow, to have found your Servant-Maid, but 'twas I that met you there with Chaste Embraces.  Fro. 
By her own Confession she hath been playing the Whore; yet I must bear the blame:— Haddit ever poor Cuckold such Fortune before! (Aside.  
Indeed Wife, I was not there; I suppose you had good Evidence to the contrary.  Sus. 
Is it not enough, thou Villain! that thou art false to my Bed, but thou wouldst make me belie my own Senses? Dost thou think to brave it thus? I'll make thee repent, thou Ungrateful!—  Fro. 
Now must I crave pardon for her Offences. (Aside.  
I saw a great and mighty Monster come forth from thence just now, with four Legs, and one Cloven-foot, and two Horns as long as an Elephants Snout, Eyes like Barber's Basins, grinned and spit Fire as he passed along: I feared he would have burnt me; the Brimstone is not yet out of my Nose— Indeed Wife, under Correction, and the Circumstances considered, the Devil hath been a little to familiar with you.  Sus. 
Thou wouldst persuade me 'twas the Devil, but I am well satisfied to the contrary.  Fro. 
Then I hope you are convinced of the Mistake.  Sus. 
This Impudence (my Friend) must not pass unpunished: Were it as thou sayst, 'twas thine own seeking; a just Reward, and no fault of mine.  Fro. 
No, you Women are never in fault.  Sus. 
To meet my Husband there, was my intent;  
And such Adultery was innocent. (Exeunt.    

ACT V. SCENE I.  Enter Gripe alone. Gri. 
WAs it your Project (Mr. Trusty) to cheat me of my Children?— I wonder what they have done with the Squire Smash, for I can hear nothing of him?— They will not, I suppose, keep him any longer in durance upon this Fob-Action, since Sir Patrick Greedy knows nothing of the matter.— Keep your great Tynn-work to yourself, Mr. Manley; I'll not be bubled thus out of my Daughter; I hope to bestow her better, tho' I confess I was almost betrayed.  Maid within. 
Fire! Murder! Thiefs!  Gri. 
My Bags! my Gold! my Money! [Runs about the Stage in a Fright.  Enter Maid. 
What's the matter? Is the House afire?  Maid. 
Worse, Sir, worse!  Gri. 
Am I robbed of my Gold?  Maid. 
Worse, Sir, worse!  Gri. 
What can be worse? Tell me in short.  Maid. 
Oh, Sir! my Mistress!—  Gri. 
Run away with Manley!—  Maid. 
Worse, Sir, worse!  Gri. 
She is not murdered, is she?  Maid. 
Worse, Sir, worse!  Gri. 
Do not dally with me; I'll have it out, or tear it from thee.  Maid. 
You need not be so inquisitive after bad News, that will make every Joint of you tremble.  Gri. 
I'm become thy Sport and Pastime. [Goes towards her.  Maid. 
I have done, Sir.— [Exitura.  [Gripe runs and takes her by the Throat. Maid. 
Oh, Sir! I will.  Gri. 
Tell me immediately, without the least Evasion, or I will throttle thee this very minute.  Maid. 
Last night when I came from my Mistress's Chamber, I drew the Curtains, and locked the Door; this morning I tremble to declare what I espied.  Gri. 
Again! (Loud.) [She starts.  Maid. 
Nothing— but Mr. Manley in Bed with her.  Gri. 
Ha!  Maid. 
Lovingly clasped in each others Arms asleep.  Gri. 
There may they sleep their last— Is this the fruit of all my Pain and Care, to have nurtured a confounded Harlot! [In passion.  Maid. 
Good Sir, no such hard words: I dare say Mr. Manley is a lovely Bed fellow— I heartily wished myself in my Mistress's place.  Gri. 
Would any other had been there but she.  Maid. 
I wa7ed 'em, Sir, and then made bold to tell her so: She clapped him on the Cheek, and kissed him; quoth she, I will not part with my dear Manley for all the World.  Gri. 
An excellent Relation of a lewd, lascivious Whore.— I curse the time that ever I begot her.  Maid. 
I am confident I locked the Door close; O' my Conscience he is 〈◊〉 Witch, or he could never have got in.  Gri. 
Such young Fellows always carry Picklocks about 'em.— Go, get you in, I have no more to say to thee. [Exit Maid. Oh for a Curse to plunge 'em deep enough!— May she still love him to excess! want Bread and Sustenance to feed their crying Younglings! ●…ay they abound in nothing but Misery!— This is the greatest Cross that e'er befell me.— Now to prevent my Son's ruin, I'll match him forthwith to the rich Widow Bryant, lest he grows mad again or Manley's Sister; I have given him my Writings, and hope my Friend Cunningame hath drawn the Settlement.  Enter Peregrine. Per. 
If I miss of my Eugenia, I am for ever lost; nor must Manley's Marriage be yet known. (Aside.  Gri. 
Good morrow, Peregrine; where hast thou been this Morning?  Per. 
Where I have heard more of Mr. Trusty's Tricks, Sir.— He and his Confederates, with Sharper's treacherous Assistance, have rooked the Squire Swash of all his Money, and turned him to the Country without Clothes: I was searching to befriend him in his Adversity.  Gri. 
Step softly into thy Sister's Chamber, and steal away Manley's Clothes; he is this time debauching her,  Per. 
How, Sir!— They certainly have both more Virtue in 'em.  Gri. 
They have been all this night in bed together; what precious Acts of Virtue have been done, you may easily judge.  Per. 
I'll in immediately and cut his Throat. [Offers to draw, and run out, Gripe holds him.  Gri. 
Nay, good Son be patient; that's the way to be without thee too.— One a Whore, and the other be hanged, is a great Scandal to a Family.  Per. 
Pray Sir, let me go: Shall any Man dare to abuse our Family, and Peregrine not revenge it? Such a Disgrace I cannot, will not bear.  Gri. 
But, Son, as I told you before, 'tis a greater Disgrace to be hanged for killing of a Rogue: When you come upon the Gallows, to be able to cry, Good People, here I am come to take my last Swing in the World, for cutting the Throat of one who dishonoured our Family. So being tied up, the Valorous Mr. Peregrine Gripe and his fine Speech end together.  Per. 
He hath given her Philters sure, or she would not so basely have yielded to him.  Gri. 
Give him his due, as far as I can understand she is very well pleased with him.  Per. 
Ten thousand Curses on the Prostitute! Will he not Marry her?— I'll make him.—  Gri. 
Rather let him pine in hungry Repentance, till Starving bring 'em to their Senses. Go instantly fetch the Writings hither; I'll forthwith Seal 'em; then thou may'st make me happy, at least in one Child.  Per. 
And tamely thus without Revenge?  Gri. 
The best Revenge can be taken; therefore on my Blessing I enjoin thee to go without the least Delay, Regret, or Hesitation.  Per. 
My Duty binds me; I obey. [Exit.  Gri. 
I begin to have some hopes of this Boy; he is dutiful and respectful to me.— But I must secure him for fear of a Relapse.— Oh my Clarinda! my Clarinda!  Enter Manley in his Nightgown. 
Manley! thou Villain, what hast thou done?  Man. 
Keep the Villain to thyself, Old Midas; I was more kindly entertained within by thy Daughter; she gave a Night's Pleasure and Content; and Luck hath failed, if there be not a Grandchild in store.  Gri. 
Very joyful News indeed!— Now you come, I suppose, thinking to hector me into a Compliance.— Give a good Fortune, say you, and I'll Marry her.  Man. 
You are mistaken, Sir; I expect none of your Money; you had better keep it to maintain her Offspring; while you are upon your Good-behaviour, I may be now and then somewhat towards it: So a good morning to you. [Exiturus.  Gri. 
As you have taken possession of the Tenement, take it with all its Encumbrances.  Man. 
I have had a quiet and peaccable Possession as long as I desired: I found the Soil barren and unfruitful; I have manured and tilled it up, and at Harvest you may reasonably expect a good Crop: What could any Man do more. (Exiturus.  Gri. 
You had as good take your Bedfellow with you; I'll maintain neither her nor her Bastard.  Man. 
Then the Parish must, if she can't work: I'll care for the Child, if she lays it to me, and leave her to the Law.  Gri. 
Why sure he will not be such an inhuman Monster! A Gentleman, and leave his Lady of Pleasure to the Law! my Daughter too! 'Tis monstrous! [Aside.  Man. 
As you and she behave yourselves: I tell you what Provision I'll make for her; I took her for présent Pleasure and Variety; sometimes, because 'tis a pretty, loving, good-natured Thing, and for my Recreation, I may give her the Honour of a Visit; but never think I'll marry her.  Gri. 
If thou dost, thou shalt not have one Groat with her.  Man. 
Keep it, Miser, keep it: Dost think I'll ever be confined within the Bonds of Matrimony, as long as I can have a young, beautiful, good-humoured and ingenious Mistress at my Command? Ha, ha, ha! what Years Child d'ye take me for of, Dad? or where was I bred? Once more good-morrow; remember me to your Son. [Exit.  Gri. 
I wish he may not see thee too soon.— How the Rogue boasts of his Plunder!— What shall I say to Squire Swash! Shall I marry him to Manley's Leavings? No; he smokes the matter, and comes no nearer; and Manley scorns what he hath himself debauched.— She and her Brat will be left on my hands.  Enter Clarinda. 
Here she comes, now for a complete Excuse; That she was Ravished, and with the Fear fell into a Swooning, which held her all night, that she could not cry out. [Aside.  Cla. 
Did you not see Mr. Manley pass this way just now, Sir?  Gri. 
This is what I little expected.— No Tear!— No Blush!— No Concern!— Oh Tempora! Oh Mores!—  Cla. 
I hope, Sir, in time to work him to your Mind; he is much more loving than ever.  Gri. 
Yes, yes, Sweet work! Beyond the strength of Imagination! You that yesterday were so brim full of Virtue! Where is it now? A mere shame. As the most zealous pretender to honesty, only waits an opportunity cunningly to Act the greatest Villainy, so the most seeming Coy Lady, privately proves the most rampant Harlot.  Cla. 
What you talk is Mystery to me. Pray, Sir, what is it troubles you?  Gri. 
'Tis the Devil of a Daughter. Infamous Clarinda! What hast thou done?  Cla. 
Nothing but what I ought in obedience to your positive commands,— did you not charge me on your Blessing, to use all arts and means, that might reclaim him.  Gri. 
Thou willingly mistakest me, did I Commission thee to be a Whore? (Cla. weeps.  Enter Trusty. 
Here comes the cursed Author of my ruin.  Tru. 
Still at thine old Play! Lecturing thy Daughter? As how? What new offence? I prithee tell me.  Gri. 
The natural effect of thy cursed contrivance: thy Nephew Manley hath dishonoured my Daughter.  Tru. 
Ha, ha, ha, Have the young People been reciprocally kind? your Family is like to increase without paying any Portion or Tax for Matrimony.  Gri. 
Though you think you have hit the Mark, I must tell you, you have missed your Aim, the breach is too wide ever to be reconciled, you have indeed robbed me of my Child— Here, take her, lead her to her Gallant, let 'em have cost and care mixed with their Pleasure; the sour sauce, may quicken the Appetite; or what think you of sending her to London? she may be very serviceable to the young Mathematicians, or where you will, she is no longer mine, while I lay up for one hath better deserved.  Enter Perigrine, Cuningame and Shuffle with Writing, Pen and Ink. Per. 
I have pursued your positive Commands with some reluctancy, Pray, Sir, have yet some pity on my Sister; forget and forgive; she might be trapaned.  Gri. 
When People have been Whoring after their own Inventions, for a pretence they'll say they were trepanned, give me the Deeds, who drew 'em?  Shuff. 
I drew 'em, Mr. Cuningame perused them.  Cun. 
I carefully weighed each Grant and Covenant exactly to your Model, as sure as proportion itself, but for your better satisfaction, you had best read it over.  Shuff. 
If he make use of the Compliment we are all undone. (Aside.  Cun. 
Being offered, nothing is suspected.  Enter Manley and Eugenia. (Per. Grint. Gri. 
Perigrine looks strangely upon Manley, his Finger's itch to be at him. (Aside) Fetch me a Candle and Wax.  Shuff. 
There's a Candle in the next Room. I don't use to go without my Tools. (Exit and Enters again with a Candle.  Gri. 
Here— (Delivers to Peregrine) I deliver this as mine Act and Deed to your use— I make it my request, that Mr. Trusty and Mr. Manley be two of the Witnesses. (Both Sign it.  Cun. 
It lies very hard upon your Daughter Mr. Gripe.  Gri. 
If something else had not been, this might have been prevented. (Aside to each other.  Tru. 
We have done Sir.  Cun. 
No further occasion for me Sir?  Shuff. 
Nor me?  Gri. 
For neither.  Shuff. 
Let's be gone before it be discovered, the worst he can say of us we have been true to our Clients. (Aside.  Cun. 
And good reason, for we are well paid. (Exeunt.  Gri. 
Ha, ha, ha, Mr. Manley will you have a Portion to Marry my Daughter, or a Settlement? Draw it yourself you are a great Scholar, and a Star-Gazer; see if you can find it in the Milky way, give you joy of your great Bargain. Perigrine, Now when you please you may Espouse your Widow.  Per. 
Sir, This my intended Wife, joins with me craving your Blessing. (Takes Eug. by the hand, both kneel.  Gri. 
What dost mean Man,— 'Tis settled in consideration of a Marriage intended with the Widow Bryant.  Per. 
By the name of Eugenia, Daughter of Humphrey Manley Esq Deceased.  Gri. 
Ha!— Cheated again! I have but two Children in the World, a Rogue and a Whore: A hopeful pair! (never stir) but where is friend Cuningame now, where is he?  Tru. 
He and Shuffle, like Physicians to a Languishing Patient, are both slipped away, before the Death-fit comes.  Gri. 
Friend Cuningame a Knave? Then I think all the World are so.  Enter Parson, which Manley seeing, taketh Clarinda by the hand, both kneel. 
What more tricks still— (never stir!) you won't Marry her, will you Mr. Manley?  Man. 
That I did yesterday, this honest Parson joined our hands, our Hearts long since united.  Gri. 
(Never stir!) If it were in Lawful Matrimony 'tis so much the better— Are you really a Priest Sir?  Par. 
At present only a Journeyman of the Church, a Curate of the next Parish, I hope in time to obtain a Benefice, and then I shall be finisher of the Work.  Gri. 
And grow as Fat and Lazy as the rest of thy Brethren. (Aside. Did you Marry this pair?  Par. 
I joined their Hands, and tied 'em by the Tongue, and gave 'em a Spiritual Commission to act other things if they pleased.  Gri. 
A bold venture Mr. Manley; what will become of her Portion now?  Man. 
I'll make Provision for your Daughter out of my own Estate, as your Son must for his now Eugenia.  Tru. 
And since thou beginnest to be somewhat reconciled to these Matches, and to make Manley the more deserving thy Clarinda; I'll immediately settle my Estate one half to my Nephew in Possession, in Fee simple, and the remainder after my death.  Man. 
You were always a Father to me.  Gri. 
I vow I think thou wilt prove an honest fellow at last— Heavens bless you all, I am heartily reconciled to ye, I am heartily glad that my Children prove to be Cheats, convincing Arguments to me, that what ever betides after my death, they'll be able to shift in the World. (Aside— And to say Truth, the Father was the fittest to begin with, 'tis reckoned no Sin, at least a very small one, to cheat Parents, and Conscience is not pricked till fully feared.— Moreover Clarinda proves to be honest, I am now as mad for Joy, as I was some minutes since for Sorrow.  Trust. 
And is not this better than Wedding her to that Weathercock; one that would have allowed her no other Company than her Servants? He is such a Slave to his Recreations, he hath hardly time to sleep; and all the Satisfaction she should have, would be to lie by a belching, strong Beer or Brandy-Cask, who no sooner wakes, but exit, and you hear no more of him, till after midnight again.  Gri. 
I understand you, Sir: I have not paid you my thanks for helping to cheat me; I am your obliged Friend and humble Servant, Sir.— Parson, I must have this other Pair matched too, therefore beware we don't miss the Canonical Hour.  Par. 
The Canonical Hour shall be at your Service till midnight.  Enter Busy leading Margaret; Freeman, Sharper, Froth and his Wife. 
Here come some that have been with me for a Cast of my Office before.  Freem. 
The Captain's married to this Lady.  Busy. 
Yes, Gentlemen; and, Ladies, I am married.  Trust. 
I heartily wish you Joy; she is a great Fortune, and the fittest Wife for you that I know: She must needs understand her Exercise; she hath been bred under a good Officer any time these seven years.  Busy. 
What's the meaning of this, Freeman?  Freem. 
Nothing but a Banter; he only envies your Fortune.  Enter Swash. Swa. 
I have had but a scurvy Night on't; every one that met me, shunned me for a Ghost; at last by great difficulty I got into a Hayloft; poor and cold Lodging for a Person of my Quality.  Gri. 
How now, Squire! stripped as if you intended for a Race.— I wish you may make more speed about your next Mistress; this is married before you come.  Swa. 
I did suppose some such thing by the Arrest.  Gri. 
Every particular, both as to the Arrest and Marriage, were without my Consent or Knowledge.  Swa. 
Your Daughter married without your Consent?  Gri. 
And bedded too: Between 'em they have cheated me of all.  Swa. 
A blessed deliverance! If she consent to cheat her Father, she will make no scruple to abuse her Husband; and Marriage at the best is but a bitter Sweet.  Sharper. 
thou Villain, art thou there?  Shar. 
Pray, Sir, be not angry; every Age and Country produces Precedents innumerable for what I have done; it hath been the practice of many ingenious Servants of all Qualities, to build their Fortunes on the Ruins of their Masters.  Swa. 
I'll home and study the two great Businesses of Mankind, Interest and Dissimulation: I find 'tis to no purpose to persuade a Woman against her own Inclinations.— Madam, I wish you joy.  Cla. 
I heartily thank you, Noble Squire.  Swa. 
In the midst of all my Misfortunes, one very pleasant Accident befell me: rambling last Evehing in the dark, I crept into a little Door, where I found a Woman waiting with a Stock of Love for another Man: I quickly reaped the Crop, rushed from her, satisfied with such a pleasant Plunder—  Per. 
Do you know the Woman?  Swa. 
No indeed.  Sus. 
I am glad of that however. (Aside.  Froth. 
Pray Mrs. Wife, with humble submission be it spoken, do you understand the meaning of this, Did Nicholas Froth Cuckold himself or no?  Sus. 
Peace; what was done, was thine own seeking, and can't now be prevented; therefore no more words of that matter.  Fro. 
I will declare thy Infamy in the face of the whole Word.— O yes!—  Sus. 
I must speak him fair, or he will out with it in earnest. [Aside.  
Sweet Nicholas, be silent.  Fro. 
Do you begin to alter your Tone? If I grant Peace, it shall be on very honourable Conditions.— Imprimis, will you Cuckold me no more?  Sus. 
No, Nicholas, no.  Fro. 
Nor keep a Conventicle of Whoremasters Sundays Afternoon, about Business, to the Dishonour of my Person and Profession?  Sus. 
No, Nicholas, no.  Fro. 
Wilt thou henceforth be dutiful and obedient to the just and lawful Commands of thy Supreme and Sovereign Lord thy Husband?  Sus. 
Yes, Nicholas, yes.  Fro. 
As long as you faithfully keep your Promises, I will be silent; but no longer.  Swa. 
Who is that with the Captain?  Per. 
His Lady; they were Married this morning.  Swa. 
'Tis our old Dairy-maid Peg; we have been very familiar seven years ago.  Busy. 
Ha! this is very suspicious.  Freem. 
Now all will out; Children and Fools speak Truth. (Aside.  Swa. 
Freeman hath kept her these two Years to my knowledge.  Busy. 
Is this true, Mr. Freeman?  Freem. 
I cannot deny the matter of Fact; undermining and counterming belonging to the Art Military I thought fit to practise upon you, that you might instruct me if I acted amiss.  Trust. 
This Discourse makes you melancholy, Captain.  Busy. 
So it would any Man in my Condition— This comes of Pride and Covetousness, the singular Virtues of Mankind: Where are now my Welsh Manors and barton's, Plantations, etc. Poor Captain Busie! thou were't never beaten at this Weapon before.  Freem. 
Give me Two hundred pound in hand to maintain the Child, and 40 l. per Annum to the Wench for Life, for separate maintenance, I'll take 'em off your hands.  Busy. 
Two hundred pound Fine, and 40 l. Rend to be Cuckold for Life!— If Whoremasters be Christians, have a little more Conscience in your ways.  Freem. 
I am very indifferent whether you accept the Offer or not; therefore expect no abatement; hitherto I have born the expense of my Pleasure, I intent now to share the Profit, and you shall pay for nibbling.  Busy. 
These be your floating Islands and Plantations: I might have considered foreign Wealth shrinks in Carriage.— My hand is in the Lion's mouth; I must agree with him.  Enter Music. A Drum beat without. Mus. 
Understanding of a Wedding, we come to present you with a Sett of Music.  Gri. 
With all my heart; we'll have a Song and a Dance, and then to Church and say our Prayers very devoutly.  A Song and a Dance. Freem. 
You have had time to consider, Captain, what's your Resolution.  Busy. 
I do comply.— Come, 'tis a Bargain.  Freem. 
While they go Church, we will go to Nich. Froths, and confirm it.  
We are all Friends; and since the Bargain's made,  
From this time forth I will forswear the Trade.   

EPILOGUE. Spoken by Miss CHALK, Seven Years Old.  Written by Mr. HAYNES. 

I Have a Secret, I would fain disclose  
To the Pretty, Witty Gentlemen called Beaus:  
'Tis this;  
If you will spare our Poet's Play to night,  
(Although at present I can't do ye right)  
You shall have my First Fruits when I'm a Woman;  
As I hope to be saved I never yet knew no Man:  
No, truly now, I'm so ignorant of Sin, or Schism,  
I hardly yet can say my Catechism.  
I'm mightily given to play, and that's a Fault;  
I'll mend apace thou; I won't be always naught:  
I live, you know, where I can't but be well Taught.  
I've learned so much already behind the Scenes,  
I know what a Billette Doux and Ogling means:  
I know what Man keeps Somebody; nay, I know more,  
I know she that will Kiss for Money, is a Whore.  
Let the Men-Players leave off when they will,  
Our Maiden Gentlewomen will scarce lie still.  
Nay— you may laugh at a young Innocent Creature;  
But I know more than you think tho', of the matter.  
I know the World's a Stage, and do not wrong ye;  
You're better Actors there, than we're among ye;  
Because to act you's not so hard a Task,  
As 'tis for you to act a Vizard Mask.  
If we give Place to you, 'twill make no strife;  
We only Copy, you Draw to the Life.  
What is't I don't know, unless it be the THING,  
For which the Beggar's equal to the King.  
But if that want of Knowledge be a Transgression,  
I'll know that too at Years of Discretion.  
Mean time if you'll excuse the Errors of this Play,  
When I'm Fourteen, it shall be more in your way.  
I can't please now, as well as Eight Years hence.  
But if you Men of Love are Men of Sense,  
As an Old Nurse instructs a Smickering Maid,  
When she sits stroking little MARK of Lad,  
My Penny'll show ye how a Shilling's made.   
FINIS.